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local farmer. He grows local

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tomatoes, local blueberries, and local squash.

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sends them on a local truck.

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He picks them, packages them, and and

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sends them on a local truck,

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on local roads to his local-owned, local-operated

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shop right, where locals buy them, then

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return to their local homes and eat

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Visit shoprite.com to start filling

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your cart today. So

0:33

they're breath gasoid if it comes

0:35

into contact with uranium... Anything

0:38

radioactive. Anything radioactive. It'll

0:40

explode. Okay, but like so

0:43

much stuff is radioactive. All

0:46

over the world we're like, it's fine. I

0:48

really wanted bananas to be a secret weapon

0:50

at the end of this movie. Throws it

0:52

like a boomerang. We just watch... Camera

0:59

pans up, it's ray comfort. Oh,

1:01

hell yeah. Oh,

1:03

hell yeah. God

1:07

awful movies. Welcome

1:20

to God awful movies live

1:22

from Detroit, Michigan. Thank

1:29

you. Thank you so much for

1:31

coming out to my hometown. This

1:33

is the podcast, of course, where each week

1:36

we sample another selection from Christian cinema, even

1:38

when that means watching a Scientology movie directed

1:40

by a dude named Christian. Round

1:44

the connection. I'm your host, Noah Lucians, and

1:46

joining me, of course, from StageRite, please welcome

1:48

my good friend, Heath Enright! Oh

1:57

my goodness, is that a little sparkle

1:59

going on? That

2:04

is sparkle doggy the

2:06

tequila for fucking your dad yes

2:10

They actually want us to toy with that I

2:12

think over the course of the show we're gonna

2:14

get some better slogans Yeah, well if

2:16

I kill it for fucking your stepdad, maybe

2:19

oh there you go better. No that's a

2:21

little topical These

2:23

days and of course also

2:25

joining us tonight, please put your hands together for

2:27

my bad friend Eli Bosnick I'm

2:34

not even looking It's

2:48

a car cuz

2:50

Detroit And

2:53

who's who's driving the car? Yeah, it's Carl

2:55

Carl the pug bag Can

2:58

I pull back the curtain for y'all slightly? So

3:01

this place no no that's not what

3:03

he means Hey,

3:06

here's why I can't pull the curtain back

3:08

slightly. So this place serves liquor and If

3:12

you don't think there was a Donner

3:14

party-esque drawing of straws To

3:16

be the member of staff who had to come up

3:18

and be like hey, man, you have to wear underwear

3:23

Under your cuz I was not wearing underwear

3:27

And that poor man had to be like

3:29

so I went to theater school and got

3:31

a degree in technical theater And

3:34

now I'm telling the fat rabbi to

3:36

hide his penis So

3:40

if you see someone just come over

3:42

the railing suspended by the rope, okay

3:47

Sparkle donkey tequila Suicide

3:52

is painless Oh,

3:59

I think yeah Yeah, he's got clothes

4:01

back there somewhere. While

4:04

we're waiting for Eli to get dressed, I have a

4:06

Detroit fun fact. Oh, yeah. Do you have

4:08

fun facts about Detroit? I have a fun fact. Did you

4:10

know that Detroit has the

4:12

highest average household income of

4:14

any city in the United States of America? Is

4:17

that true? In 1949. Okay.

4:22

Okay. Back when 33% of

4:24

private sector employees were unionized? Ah.

4:30

Remember unions? Yeah. Man.

4:33

Remember living wages? I

4:36

don't. I don't. No. No. Too young for

4:38

that. Born during a raid. There he is. Oh,

4:44

in my Scaling Atheist T-shirt.

4:49

Tri-blend. Tri-blend so soft.

4:52

A blend so smooth he will forget five

4:54

boxes of a matter of thousand and her

4:56

worth. I

4:59

don't think that's what happened. Hope you guys like

5:01

extra large. I just think that the fact

5:03

that the ones that you forgot were all your size tells

5:05

us something. That's all I'm saying. This

5:08

is why we can't see his apartment. All the furniture

5:10

is made out of Tri-blend T-shirt. He's

5:13

banded together. I

5:16

like the feel on my face. Yeah. No, I get it. I

5:18

get it. So,

5:20

I guess we should start the actual show proper. And

5:23

we should start that with me asking you Heath to tell us. What

5:26

will we be breaking down today? We

5:30

watched Battlefield

5:32

Earth. Finally!

5:36

Okay. Hands up.

5:38

Who's seen this? Oh,

5:40

shit. Love this. Nice.

5:42

Nice. Listeners at home, I should point out that

5:45

all but seven people just raised their hands. I

5:48

should also point out that I think the manager

5:50

of the theater walked down earlier and

5:52

was like, I love this movie.

5:54

I hope you aren't going to make fun of it.

5:57

And we were like, cool. If

6:01

the lights just suddenly go out and we're

6:03

just shouting into the void, you

6:05

know why. Okay, well it's the

6:08

story that star John

6:11

Travolta proudly called the

6:14

Schindler's List of Sci-Fi.

6:17

That's real! Real quote.

6:19

What does that even mean? What does he

6:21

think he meant when he said that? I

6:24

think when we think of terrible things that

6:26

have happened throughout history, we think of

6:29

Schindler's List first, the Holocaust, right?

6:31

Well, let's make the Holocaust higher.

6:33

No, the Holocaust is here, and

6:36

then the battlefield earth is here.

6:38

Here, that's where I am. Well,

6:42

so you're getting ahead of us a bit, Eli, so

6:44

tell us officially then, how bad was

6:47

this movie? And keep in mind that listeners at home can't

6:49

see where your hand is, so you can't use the Holocaust

6:51

scale again. In

6:55

the Wheel of Holocaust. Guess what I'm doing

6:57

with my hand, listeners at home? Should've

7:01

come to the live show. Alright.

7:06

Well, if you love

7:09

the crazy of Scientology, but

7:11

the subtlety of alien volcanoes

7:13

and bad emotion alien ghosts

7:15

is too much work for

7:17

you, you will love this

7:19

movie. And I do. Yeah,

7:22

now I'm sure most of you know what we should

7:24

say up front, that this was a passion project for

7:26

John Travolta. He really wanted this to get made. This

7:28

was of all L. Ron Hubbard's books. This is the

7:30

one he most wanted to see made into a movie.

7:33

Yeah, right. Everything else was even worse than this. This

7:36

one had the most pictures. So

7:40

this movie got kicked by two different

7:43

studios. It was eventually picked up by

7:45

an investment firm that then tricked a

7:47

European distribution company into actually paying for

7:49

funding the movie. They got sued over

7:51

that and went out of fucking business.

7:53

It's like the history of Tesla. Yes.

7:56

So weird. Yeah, epic

7:58

level disaster. So is there anything you guys

8:01

want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst

8:03

at? I'm going to go with best

8:05

worst source material. We already started

8:07

talking about it. It's based on the book

8:09

by L. Ron Hubbard. To

8:11

get that book onto the New York Times

8:13

bestseller list, that whole

8:15

cult of Scientology would go around buying

8:17

up all the books and the church

8:20

would collect them back and

8:22

then send those already

8:25

purchased copies back

8:27

to retail stores again in a

8:29

recycling scam. We know this

8:33

because they're fucking idiots and people at

8:36

Barnes & Noble were like, how come

8:38

the books already have our price tag

8:40

on them? When

8:44

they come in the mail from the Scientology people.

8:48

Horrible. And I hear the book is way better

8:50

than the movie. Oh, there you go. There's that.

8:53

So I was going to go with, and this is

8:55

the most common criticism I think that you hear about

8:58

this other than the Scientology angle, I was going to

9:00

go with best worst relative viewing angle. Yeah,

9:04

wait, the whole fucking movie. Just

9:07

like that. I

9:09

watched it on my computer, I'm doing this. Stupid

9:13

fucking movie. And for those who haven't seen it, I

9:15

should say that this movie used what's called a Dutch

9:18

angle, which is like a 30 degree angle. It's meant

9:20

to be this really nauseous angle. So it's like the

9:22

last fucking thing you'd want to spend an entire movie

9:24

looking at. Yeah, Pennsylvania

9:26

Dutch angle. Dutch

9:29

angle, like the marsh rule, if you say

9:31

Dutch anything, it sounds like a sex thing,

9:33

right? Dutch angle. If I offered

9:36

you a Dutch angle, you'd be like, fuck yeah.

9:40

Sounds like I can't afford it, but I want it. In

9:43

Detroit, you can afford it. Poverty,

9:48

am I right? You

9:51

should leave. Here.

9:56

Tonight. From

9:58

this place. We'll

10:01

take you, you can go with us. Yeah,

10:04

it's a legit refugee situation. Everybody's

10:08

blinking at us. Like, please do the

10:10

thing you're talking about. We are refugees.

10:15

You know that thing bad people do

10:17

where they'll be like, We need to

10:19

help America rather than... I

10:21

never believed in that until I came to Detroit. And

10:23

now I'm like, no, those guys make

10:25

themselves... Did

10:29

you have a best worst way? Best

10:32

worst city. So here's the thing about your fucking...

10:34

Okay, alright, alright. I'm

10:40

gonna go with best worst... NOP!

10:44

So here's the thing, this movie is based

10:46

on L. Ron Hubbard's writing, and L. Ron

10:48

Hubbard writes like that cousin who just quoted

10:50

Borat from age 13 to 34. So

10:55

all he has his villains do throughout the

10:57

entire film is be like, I have not

10:59

done an evil thing. But

11:02

yes I have! The whole

11:04

film. Over and over

11:06

again. Alright, well I'll tell you

11:08

what, we've been waiting the better part of a decade to

11:10

do this one, so we're gonna keep the break brief. When

11:12

we come back, we'll dive into all the underwritten overacting that

11:15

is... Battlefield Earth.

11:24

Alright everyone, thanks for coming to this,

11:26

the third iteration of Battlefield Earth's screenwriting

11:28

team. AY! As you

11:30

know, our first two screenwriters refused to respect

11:32

L. Ron Hubbard's vision, then the third requested

11:34

his name to be taken off the project,

11:37

but he couldn't because he got paid too much. So here

11:39

we are, ready to pitch our

11:41

movie, which will eventually be rejected by

11:43

seven studios in a row, and then

11:45

illegally represented to a venture capital firm.

11:47

Any questions? Um, is

11:49

it too late to quit? Sure is. AY!

11:54

Right? This

11:57

show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hi!

12:00

I'm Eli Bosnick. And

12:02

I'm Heath Enright. You know, we spent

12:04

quite a bit of time talking about

12:06

the positive elements of this week's sponsor,

12:09

BetterHelp. Like how it's entirely online,

12:11

how you can use their messaging interface to

12:13

speak with your therapist even when you don't

12:15

have an appointment, and you can

12:17

switch therapists on BetterHelp at any time for

12:20

free. No awkward therapist breakups.

12:22

No awkward therapist breakups indeed, but

12:24

this week we'd like to remind

12:26

you that the alternative to therapy

12:29

is this movie. That's

12:31

right. Famed anti-psychiatry loon L.

12:33

Ron Hubbard didn't want you to try

12:35

BetterHelp because he wanted you to join

12:38

him on this journey of space bureaucracy,

12:40

thousand year old jet fuel, and leverage.

12:43

So, maybe note the company

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you're keeping by not doing BetterHelp.

12:47

Let therapy be your map with

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BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/awful today to get

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10% off your first month. That's

12:53

BetterHelp. And we're back! And we're

12:55

going to open up with the

12:57

words on

13:00

the screen. It

13:09

comes up and it says, man, it's

13:11

an endangered species. And I'm like, all

13:13

right, calm down, Tucker. Yeah, right. I

13:16

wrote in my notes, I wish am I right, lady?

13:20

Nature's healing. It's good. It's

13:22

good. It's good. You're getting

13:24

rid of the white men with dreadlocks. Yeah,

13:26

right. Speaking of which, which are most of

13:28

this movie? Yeah, we start off with our

13:31

hero coming down from the mountains on horseback.

13:33

They're like, he's like, I've got the medicine. And they're

13:35

like, your dad passed away in the night. It's too

13:37

late. And he's like, is this ever going to come up

13:40

in any fucking way again in the movie? And they're like, nope, never,

13:43

never again. How else would we

13:46

introduce my character except by his

13:48

tardiness? I

13:50

wanted that to be a theme for the rest of the

13:53

film. He just shows up and he's like, oh, mother fuck.

13:56

Just, just missed it. So,

13:58

yeah, but we learned here that the humans.

14:00

are now like refugees that are either enslaved

14:02

by the aliens that have taken over the Earth,

14:06

or they're living out in the

14:08

scrublands and they're barely able to

14:10

survive, although they look particularly well

14:12

fed. Yeah. There will never

14:14

be an apocalypse so bad in any Hollywood

14:16

movie that all the women aren't shaved bare.

14:18

Yeah, right. Whatever. When

14:21

the nukes go off, apparently you're all just

14:23

going to grab the razors and head for

14:25

the mountain. Well, so we

14:27

need to point this out early and often. This movie

14:29

is supposed to take place a

14:31

thousand years hence. All

14:33

right. So it's supposed to take place a thousand

14:35

years from now. Just keep that in mind

14:38

as we go and we say, I wonder

14:40

where all of those safety razors are coming

14:42

from, right? So

14:45

we get a scene where all of the refugee

14:47

barbarian humans that have fallen back into the primitive

14:49

state, don't worry, I'm allowed to say that they're

14:51

white. And

14:53

they are, they are. Yeah,

14:56

white and forest wicker, yeah. And

14:59

he's so mad. He's so mad that

15:01

he got tricked into this movie because

15:03

he's fucking friends with Travolta or something.

15:06

Let's talk about it. Did he lose an

15:08

escape room and that's why he's in there?

15:10

No, so he was a Scientologist at the

15:12

time. After this movie, he's

15:14

like, nah, fuck that, obviously. Obviously

15:17

they're lying or that movie would have been better. Well,

15:21

we see the old guys, all the barbarian humans,

15:23

they're in their cave and Johnny, our

15:25

main character. Sorry. Yes,

15:27

please, please. Sorry. The

15:29

full name. Yes, Johnny, but Johnny

15:32

Goodboy, Tyler. Johnny

15:35

Goodboy is the title

15:37

of the character. Wow. You

15:39

can smell the moment John Travolta said

15:41

that out loud. Like

15:44

he was making up an excuse to the cops

15:46

while covered in blood. Yeah. Okay,

15:48

Johnny, what do you want to call the character? Johnny.

15:52

Oh, you, your name? Same. Goodboy.

15:55

Don't play Vinnie

15:57

Barberino. Tyler

16:00

Bovino. So,

16:03

ayyyy. Well,

16:06

and that'll, honestly, one of the main themes

16:08

of this movie is

16:10

being way too in love with L. Ron

16:12

Hubbard's stupid fucking writing. I'm

16:15

just gonna power through, see, because the audience

16:17

at home, they don't know you're doing shenanigans.

16:19

If I just keep talking, I'm just gonna

16:21

assume everybody's laughing at my delivery. So. But

16:25

the key here is. Hmmm.

16:35

But the key here. Morgan.

16:38

All of this. All of this. The

16:42

key here, though, is that Johnny believes it's time for them

16:44

to go to the better hunting grounds, even

16:46

if that means upsetting the demon

16:48

aliens that everybody's hiding from.

16:52

That is our inciting incident. He sets off the

16:54

love interest, tries to stop him, and he says,

16:56

no, this is Act 1. You are not part

16:58

of the movie yet. She

17:00

gives him a necklace from the Jimmy

17:02

Buffett Margaritaville gift shop. Yes. But

17:08

he leaves. He leaves her behind. She's Chrissy.

17:10

We'll see her again later when we need someone

17:12

to be in distress. I'm impressed

17:14

she got a name already. Yeah, right? Right?

17:17

It's good. That's about all she's gonna get in

17:19

the movie. Well, she'll be

17:21

in distress. So anyway, so

17:23

he gets on his horse. He's heading through, and then

17:25

suddenly there's a sky explosion. He gets

17:27

freaked out. And there's this moment where, like,

17:30

he sees a dragon, and he jumps off

17:32

of his horse, but then it turns out

17:34

it's just like a ceramic dinosaur from a

17:36

mini-golf course. A

17:39

thousand years hence. Fucking

17:43

mini-golf Stegosaurus is in

17:45

the Parthenon, I guess.

17:48

Just equally well-constructed. Twinkies.

17:50

Also twinkies. Why

17:55

would those survive a nuclear- It's fine.

17:57

Yep. Nope. Nope. But a

17:59

couple of guys get the dream. drop on here while

18:01

he's looking at the stegosaurus and we

18:03

can tell that these guys have been

18:05

you know like reverted to their barbarian

18:07

primitive ways because they're making fucking monkey

18:09

noise yup yup i was excited

18:11

to see that the jersey accent will survive the

18:13

end of the world yeah for

18:15

a thousand years right

18:20

but they're like uh... they're gonna attack him and take

18:22

all of his stuff but then they get into an

18:24

argument about whether there's a god like

18:28

their auditioning for this fucking show like

18:32

spears at the same time as one guy being

18:34

like hold on but epistemologically speaking yes right right

18:37

cosmological argument doesn't go god is

18:39

an object outside of category well

18:42

that's bullshit listen

18:44

to yourself crag sorry

18:47

felt like an idiot sorry now

18:50

spear that guy through the eye i'll murder

18:52

him yeah but

18:54

ultimately this robbery

18:56

goes so wrong this is just like every interaction i

18:58

ever have online right it starts off as a robbery

19:00

but it ends up like i'll give you some food

19:02

if you can prove to me that god exists right

19:08

so he follows and they're like no we'll show you a

19:10

god there's one over just over here so we follow him

19:12

into this like it's supposed to be this

19:14

ruined city and back when they thought they were gonna have

19:17

a hundred million dollar budget i'm sure it was going to

19:19

be instead it's a painting so

19:22

he follows him to this fucking painting the

19:24

fucking super friends are like enough

19:27

with the fucking white face yeah

19:29

for real with these transitions meanwhile

19:31

in a slightly better budgeted movie

19:36

but apparently that the guys that just show

19:39

up they think that all the mannequins and

19:41

statues from in this ruined city used

19:44

to be people that angered the gods and

19:46

were turned into mannequins right and i want

19:48

to say it's silly that people would think

19:50

mannequins were people punished by god's but religion

19:52

is so much stommer yeah that's true mannequins

19:55

are real for instance yeah it's

19:57

right So,

20:02

you guys filled in, you can fuck a

20:04

mannequin. That, I felt you

20:06

all collectively be like, and you can

20:08

fuck him. You

20:10

okay, Detroit? And

20:15

they're not just okay, they're a mannequin fucking

20:18

okay, yeah. Oh yeah. Sparkle

20:21

doggy. It's a cure

20:23

that was fucking your mannequin. I

20:26

think that's better. We're getting better. We're

20:28

getting better. A mannequin? A

20:31

mannequin of your death.

20:35

So they camped out

20:37

at a mall at

20:39

a Dutch angle. Nice.

20:46

They eat some chicken at a Dutch angle. So

20:49

he walked around with a pack of raw chicken,

20:51

to be clear. Yes, he must have had raw

20:53

chicken on him then, before they hunted

20:55

a chicken at that moment. I don't know, it's one or the other.

20:59

So, and then, so we have Johnny and we

21:01

have the two guys that have, he's joined up

21:04

with one of them is named Carlo, the other

21:06

one is overweight and will therefore die in just

21:08

a moment, right? I get

21:10

it. We don't. So

21:15

they're arguing about, he's like, this is where Carlo

21:17

gives him the God stone, as though there's

21:19

a minimum number of times they had to

21:21

say the word God to be on our

21:23

podcast. Right, he's like, here's a God

21:25

stone. He's like, is it super sharp? He's like,

21:28

yeah, he's like, well, nobody ever think to take

21:30

it from me, no matter how goddamn imprisoned I

21:32

get. He's like, yeah, surprisingly enough. Does

21:35

this count yet for God awful movies? Yes, it does. We're

21:37

already there. So,

21:39

but just then, an alien comes through and

21:41

starts shooting at him with

21:44

a laser that has an enormous amount of kinetic force

21:46

for a laser. It does. Photons.

21:51

Side tackle a person. Low

21:53

pressure. Photons do that. One of my

21:55

favorite things about this movie is that they were like, well,

21:57

they're alien guns, so they can't be guns.

22:00

Unshaped and the prop master was like okay

22:02

But you know guns are shaped like that

22:04

because they fire things and that's sort of

22:06

the natural shape and John Dravolta was like

22:08

stop talking I Want

22:11

it to look like the Wu Tang

22:13

symbol? And

22:16

it fires from underneath

22:18

your hand where you can't see

22:20

it right obviously It's

22:22

so fucking stupid. I wrote my nose. I'm like

22:24

oh shit dreadlocks. It must be the bad guy

22:26

in any movie before 2010 So

22:30

yeah, but but they shoot Carlo Johnny and the big

22:32

guy run at various Dutch angles I'm not gonna call

22:34

them out every time like 80% of the movie is

22:37

at a Dutch angle I just I have to emphasize

22:39

it. I like the idea that they ran at a

22:41

Dutch angle though, right that this So

22:48

yeah, so Johnny calls his horse the horse gets shot

22:51

or the laser don't worry he'll be fine. He's

22:53

fine. He's fine We'll find out later. I was

22:56

worried too Now

22:59

they like horses and they fuck mannequins. I'm

23:01

just I'm trying to catch the vibe Gotta

23:05

read the room So

23:07

but Johnny he outruns the lasers for a while,

23:09

which is tough, but he manages it but not

23:11

for long Eventually, he does get

23:14

shot by a laser. It is set to stun

23:18

Which means he's been captured now, I didn't know that

23:20

you could be imprisoned silly But

23:24

This great the shot of him screaming

23:27

as they're pulling him away He's in the

23:29

cage and he's grabbing under the cage and

23:31

he's screaming is about the silliest fucking thing

23:33

I've ever seen outside of a Donald

23:35

James Parker show Everyone

23:37

in the cage was like doing the improv exercise

23:39

like I'm a squirrel. So they're doing like yeah

23:45

He definitely thought he was gonna

23:47

get a second tank and didn't

23:49

yes, right Do

23:51

a silly one Sorry,

23:58

did you want falling

24:00

down a long elevator shaft. Oh

24:04

no, we're resetting the shot for a new part

24:06

of the movie. Oh god. Oh no. Oh

24:09

dear. Also can we point out

24:11

that the predator, the white guy with threadlocks

24:13

who captures them here, they're

24:16

called cyclos, we're gonna learn. Cyclos,

24:20

in the book, the leader,

24:23

the leader people of

24:25

the cyclos are called

24:27

katrysts. Cyclo-katrysts.

24:31

Because L.

24:33

Ron Hubbard hates all

24:35

of psychiatry. Yes. He

24:37

called the bad guys,

24:39

cyclocatrysts. And

24:43

the reason, by the way, that he didn't like

24:45

psychologists, because he's like, hey guys, psychology, I figured

24:48

it out, it's engrams, they're like, you

24:50

are in the right place for the wrong reason,

24:52

bro. Explain

24:55

the engrams, are those

24:57

fucking volcano demons? Show

25:00

you who's schizophrenic, I'll

25:03

kidnap my

25:05

wife. That happened.

25:10

So, but they

25:12

take all the prisoners into this domed

25:14

city, they stop to like, gas

25:17

them, but then give them the little

25:19

nose things so they can breathe the

25:21

alien air. Which

25:24

is great, because now like, through most of

25:26

the rest of the movie, all of the

25:28

human characters will have two little tubes going

25:30

up their nose like this. It's so silly.

25:33

Like they're running, it's constantly doing

25:35

the Baywatch boob thing. You

25:37

can see it like hitting the actors in the eye

25:39

and them being mad. Like, you

25:42

know when like your corded headphones get ripped

25:44

out and you're fucking furious? Yes. And

25:47

it's so viscerally, it's so, it's like

25:49

an invasion of yourself, but you did

25:51

it. The actors are all mad throughout.

25:53

They're two hours in this movie, but

25:55

it's their nostrils, but it's right. And

25:59

they filmed this movie. movie for a year. The

26:04

aliens give them their little breather tubes, and

26:06

then they get flown somewhere else. This

26:08

is the first time we really get a good shot of the city, and

26:11

we have to point out that at the

26:13

top of several of the buildings, to make

26:15

it look less like a painting, they've CGI'd

26:17

in these lava rivers that are falling from

26:19

the... So they're

26:21

making lava at the top of

26:23

buildings, just to dump it over... This

26:25

looks like a really inefficient way of

26:28

lighting the city, maybe? It's like a

26:30

cash crop of magma? What do you

26:32

do? Oh, it's the volcano

26:34

demon! Oooooooh! Oh my god,

26:36

you're fucking right! That's the zeno... that's

26:39

the story in Scientology! You're fucking right!

26:41

Zenas the god, 75 million years ago,

26:43

everybody knows this, but I'm just gonna,

26:45

like, enlighten the few people listening who

26:47

don't. That god strapped a bunch of

26:49

people on earth to volcanoes, and then

26:52

blew it up with a hydrogen bomb.

26:56

And now, any psychological problem you have

26:58

is because of the volcano demons being...

27:00

Yeah, that's all real. I

27:04

just saved you a bunch of money. You

27:06

can't either, man! You have $100,000 to buy

27:08

that information, and you have to fuck Tom

27:11

Cruise. I

27:13

mean, that's worth something. You're making

27:15

it confusing. That's a minus. So, eventually...

27:18

I feel like the teeth of it is

27:20

no Scientology, just now. You

27:22

get to fuck Tom Cruise, you get to

27:24

kill David Miscavige's wife... Horace Whitaker will be

27:27

in your movie... Yeah. So...

27:30

But eventually they're taken to the Human Processing

27:32

Center in Denver, Colorado. Yeah,

27:36

that's where I'm going after I leave Denver. I

27:39

really wanted them to, like, take them

27:41

into the Human Processing Center, and it's

27:43

just, like, head shops and shitty vegan

27:45

restaurants. Because it's

27:47

Denver. Yeah, right. These

27:50

humans really liked mountain climbing and

27:53

hacky sex. Lauren

27:57

Bobert's there, somebody beats her on. There you

27:59

go. Most of them

28:01

were polyamorous, it appears, in Denver.

28:07

So they open up the cage, Johnny starts

28:09

fighting back, he gets one of the guns

28:11

and shoots one of the guards, and he

28:13

runs off. And just in

28:15

case I may not sound awesome, I

28:17

should point out again that he's got the little tubes swinging

28:20

back and forth sideways the whole fucking time. And

28:22

the gun is a Wu-Tang symbol, so you can't

28:24

accidentally fire it, right? He just like holds it

28:27

and then they're like, Yeah man, do

28:29

it. And he's like, I don't, do what?

28:31

So yeah. They didn't have to do

28:33

a nose cord, right? It feels like

28:35

it's a sexual thing for somebody. Yeah,

28:37

right. So like Elrond in the original

28:40

source material, or Travolta maybe, are

28:42

into like nose cord stuff. Okay.

28:44

Alright. You didn't have to do this. Fair.

28:46

There's so many ways to write, you can

28:48

write whatever you want. But speaking of John

28:51

Travolta, this is the moment where, because

28:53

he runs away from the bad guys, and he runs right

28:55

into, I have him as John Travoltoid in my

28:57

notes. So this is

29:00

the first time we get a really good look at what

29:02

they've done for the aliens here. White

29:04

guy with dreadlocks. White guy with dreadlocks. Ready?

29:07

Finish. Victorian

29:10

Rabbi. Yes. Conehead.

29:12

Aha, conehead. On. Nine

29:15

feet tall. The ass tilts, thank you. Eyebrows

29:18

for days. Lots of leather. I'm

29:20

done. Yep. That's it. Um,

29:24

so, yeah, right? He

29:27

pulls it off. I'm not saying he doesn't pull

29:29

it off. So John

29:31

Travoltoid grabs the Johnny, and he drags

29:33

him back outside, and he's like, how

29:36

did this man animal get away from

29:38

you? I don't

29:41

call him fucking horse animals. What the hell

29:43

is that? Horse horses. Horse

29:46

mammo. They're

29:51

like, sorry, sir, he got the gun, and

29:53

he shot Dave. And he's like, no, humans

29:55

can't shoot Wu-Tang, because they don't even have

29:57

fucking triggers. It doesn't even make sense. But

30:01

no, they did. He demands a demonstration. He's like, give

30:03

him the gun, see if he kills somebody else. And

30:06

he does. And he's like, in

30:09

retrospect, that was a shitty way to find out, I guess.

30:12

That was a terrible test. It

30:15

also takes fucking forever in the

30:17

scene, right? It's like the fucking

30:19

chain pick up the gun scene

30:21

without the tension. I'll

30:24

call Karen from HR to come over here and

30:26

make you pick up the gun. Old

30:29

sheep farmer. Shane

30:32

was a... It's fine. Yeah. So, Fred,

30:35

will you just go around the aisles and explain

30:37

to the young people, Fred's old,

30:39

he's here, it's fine. No, that's okay. April,

30:43

will you walk up and down the sheets also?

30:45

All right, all right. I'll

30:47

let you talk shit about Fred. So

30:52

that might... Travoltoid goes to the

30:54

space bar where they're playing fucking

30:57

space billiards. Stupid.

31:01

And they're drinking bright green alcohol

31:03

because they're aliens. Why do

31:05

they want to change everything? So they

31:07

change the cup technology. Cup technology?

31:09

Apparently we settle on butt plug. There's like

31:11

a flange, right? Yeah. You drink from like

31:14

bongs in the future. I guess that makes

31:16

sense, for safety or whatever. But

31:18

why is like everything has Midori in it?

31:20

And none of the actors figure it out

31:22

the entire movie. They constantly make these actors

31:24

drink from these bongs, and they'll always be

31:26

like, that was my plan all of... Oh.

31:32

Oh. Yeah.

31:38

Oh, ha ha! Got it. Got it. Listeners

31:42

at home, Eli is doing physical

31:44

shenanigans. Except

31:46

for Forrest Whitaker, who demanded the

31:49

biggest, silliest, oversized draw for spite

31:51

because he hated the movie on

31:54

day one. The drink

31:56

is called Kerbango. Stupid.

31:59

I bet. I bet Elrond's a tough

32:01

read. So, and

32:03

then so, Travoltoid and Bartenderoid

32:06

start having this, they start discussing the premise

32:08

right, so he's like, ah, you soon will

32:10

be transferred away from this planet to a

32:12

much cushier assignment. And John Travolta's like, yes,

32:15

I will. And he's like, it would be

32:17

a terrible thing if that should not happen

32:19

for some reason in the future. Yes, it

32:21

would. That's the kind of conversation we're having.

32:24

The Star Wars scroll is just watching

32:26

from the corner being like, boring! And,

32:29

no, show don't

32:31

tell. But

32:34

of course, this is the point too where, this

32:38

is the point too, where,

32:40

we have

32:44

a time limit. But

32:47

no, but this is the point too where

32:49

Travolta like, makes it clear that his plan

32:51

is to double cross the Bartender guy, because

32:53

he's had some information on him this whole

32:55

time that he hasn't been, but now he's

32:57

gonna tell everybody and get him in trouble,

33:00

because fuck that guy, right? Whatever

33:02

the silly, maniacally evil thing to do in the

33:04

moment would be is what he's gonna do at

33:07

every moment. And

33:09

the guy at the Bartender goes, I had to

33:11

write this line down verbatim, the Bartender says, as

33:13

a friend, couldn't you forget to file the report?

33:16

The report being, you know, the thing that he

33:18

did wrong. And John Travolta says, and I quote,

33:21

well, as a friend, I could forget.

33:23

This is how he does the entire movie, by the

33:25

way. I could forget to

33:27

file the report, but unfortunately, I'm

33:32

not your friend. Followed

33:36

by... So

33:43

much! It's

33:51

so much! The giggling always

33:53

goes on for so long.

33:55

It's pandemic-esque. It

33:58

just goes on for so long. So long.

34:02

So the next day, we're outside

34:04

in the prison when a fucking, the big

34:06

boss alien comes in for a dog and

34:08

pony show. This is where we learn that

34:10

the higher you rank among the cyclos, the

34:12

more you look like the cowardly lion. Wait,

34:18

is this skin mask? Neck guy? No,

34:21

no. This is, I had him down as

34:23

hoity toy toyed. He's John

34:25

Travolta's manager. Okay.

34:29

So, and we learned here that

34:31

this guy's here to assess John Travolta's performance.

34:33

We also learned that Forrest Whiticoid

34:35

is going to have, I'm sorry,

34:38

I'm doing an L Ron Hubbard style here. I'm not

34:40

putting a lot of effort into this. They're all nine

34:42

feet tall? Yes. With the boots?

34:44

Yes, because they got four foot boots on

34:47

it. It's fucking hilarious. But he's going to

34:49

replace John Travolta when John Travolta transfers out.

34:52

Now he introduces Forrest Whiticor

34:54

as his executive assistant Kerr.

34:57

Yes. Now that makes me

34:59

wonder if they have a secretarial system in

35:02

this society, do they also

35:04

have a cyclo version

35:06

of the movie Secretary? Because

35:11

I would watch the shit out of that. Well,

35:15

let's be clear. I would watch anything in

35:17

the Battlefield Earth universe. And

35:21

we do. We're

35:23

watching it all. So yeah, and this is where

35:25

I first wrote my notes. Why are they all

35:27

playing this part? They're parts like they're making fun

35:30

of a community theater performance of Hamlet, right? Everybody

35:33

in there is like making fun of the very concept

35:35

of acting. This is Forrest fucking

35:37

Whiticor. He's a real actor. I

35:40

just don't get it. All right. He's

35:42

going to start pranking the movie soon though. Yeah,

35:44

he does. Yeah. Yeah. The

35:47

rest of them aren't doing it on purpose. He's going

35:49

to start pranking the movie. I think you're right. Although

35:51

it is giving hoity toy toy to a quick tour

35:53

of the facilities. And

35:56

this is where we meet testicle neck, right? This is

35:58

neck guy. Thank you. I got

36:00

excited earlier and I was like, is this Net

36:02

Guy? Net... And

36:05

you know, we've all worked with this guy, right?

36:07

We don't talk about it and the new guy's

36:09

always like, Hey, what's with that guy's net? And

36:11

you're like, don't. He got... Don't.

36:15

We think it was an accident when he was a kid. Blah,

36:20

blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so... Why

36:24

did they put this in the movie?

36:26

They didn't have to make... They didn't

36:28

have to. Giant Net Guy. Literally, we

36:30

watched Testicle Neck negotiate a contract. Testicle

36:32

Neck is such an under-tell of what's

36:34

happening. And no one ever goes, It's

36:36

bubbling like a cauldron of soup for

36:38

the movie. It's so big.

36:41

And no one at any point in the

36:43

movie goes, Well, of course, you know he's

36:45

a bulgogorean, right? Right, and have big Testicle

36:48

Neck. Nobody ever acknowledges it in any way.

36:50

His makeup artist just had a heart attack

36:52

halfway through and they were like, God damn

36:54

it, no reset. I

36:57

feel like somebody got caught fucking a

36:59

giant weird skin mask in real

37:02

life and they were like, For

37:04

the movie. I just wanted... That's for the

37:06

movie. Hey, Craig, is your skin mask full

37:08

of cum? No. It's a

37:11

method. I'm putting it on. Did

37:13

you make a giant pair of

37:15

Testicles? Oh, it smells... Oh,

37:19

it smells like a Logan Berry bush in here. Okay.

37:24

Oh, it smells like canned tuna. Oh,

37:27

yeah. It's

37:29

not supposed to smell like canned tuna, Eli. Wait,

37:31

wait, wait. You

37:33

really need to see a... I feel like a Detroit

37:35

Kid back me up that sometimes it smells like canned

37:37

tuna. Sparkle

37:41

Donkey's a kid. Sometimes

37:45

it smells like canned tuna. Sometimes your

37:47

cum smells like tuna. So...

37:50

Reposado. But this is... Rested

37:54

cum. But

37:57

this is, of course, where we learn that... Walter

38:00

is not going to get promoted, he's not going to

38:02

get transferred out, he fucked some senator's daughter

38:04

and the senator's still mad about it.

38:07

So hoity-toity-toity, is there just a dangle of

38:09

promotion in front of him and yank it

38:12

back. And then they all

38:14

like cackle angrily at

38:16

his misery. So, and

38:19

then just very briefly we check in

38:21

on the ridiculously named Planet

38:23

Cyclo. You know how

38:26

we live on Planet Human? It's

38:29

like that. And they have

38:31

random explosions that sci-fi feels the need

38:33

to have? I feel like if you

38:35

figure out intergalactic travel and teleportation, you

38:37

also figure out the random roof explosions

38:40

in your major cities. Turns out, no

38:42

you do not. Apparently not, no. Yeah,

38:45

no, I wrote in my notes like why that

38:47

can't be a painting. There are animated fire plumes

38:50

in four locations, yeah. So,

38:53

but we see hoity-toity-toid teleport back in

38:55

and then we go back

38:57

to the bar where Travoltoid is very

38:59

upset, right? He's really mad that he

39:01

has to stay on Earth, especially after

39:04

he burned all his bridges. Oh yeah,

39:06

he's yelling like I went to an

39:08

Ivy League, whatever, cyclo-university and he's naming

39:10

his SAT scores and being an asshole.

39:12

Yeah. I went to fucking

39:14

NYU, how am I on a podcast right now?

39:17

I should have been on Broadway, learned

39:20

his tap dance. Fuck! It happens. You're the

39:26

same job as me. I do. Hey

39:31

Heath, I didn't even go to fucking college.

39:33

Didn't you go to something like Agony? You

39:35

got a degree in smart guy stuff or

39:37

something? So, so, he faked it.

39:40

And I'll give you

39:42

the exact

39:45

line because this is the most delicious

39:47

line in the entire fucking movie. This is what he

39:49

actually says and I quote, while you

39:52

were still learning how to spell your name,

39:54

I was being trained

39:56

to conquer galaxy. I

40:01

drive a Dodge Stradiv! So,

40:08

okay, so the next morning we go back to

40:10

the prisoners. The next morning they're feeding everybody with

40:12

the big sludge gun. Why

40:14

is that always the choice in

40:17

sci-fi universes? They're always like, liquid

40:19

food, like that's the sign. That

40:22

and weird games that children play. They've

40:25

never just figured out ball and a hoop.

40:27

They're always like, here, throw the kung nu

40:29

to the walk nuts! So,

40:35

everybody's about to go up to the sludge trough to

40:37

have their sludge. When suddenly some

40:39

random guy does like a superhero

40:41

landing right in front of Johnny

40:43

Goodboy. That's

40:46

just, that's really the name. My

40:48

job has never been easier. Johnny

40:51

Goodboy Tyler. Johnny Goodboy

40:53

Tyler. He lands and he's like, we

40:56

eat from the sludge trough first. And

40:58

Johnny's like, that seems like a weird

41:00

flex man. My

41:02

name is Al Fodog.

41:05

Bad boy. I eat first. Bad

41:08

boy, die first. And they fight. So stupid. Yeah,

41:11

Johnny ain't having any of that shit, so we get

41:13

the big prison fight. This is not one of

41:15

those multiple hits in a single take

41:17

type fight sequences. We get them

41:19

one at a time. At least

41:21

this has punching rather than fucking

41:24

glar-clar from HR reducing everyone's paid

41:26

time off. That

41:29

has been the movie up to this point. A

41:32

lot of bureaucratic fucking paperwork that goes

41:34

on in this film. Other people's

41:36

work drama, the sci-fi epic. For

41:40

real, we've already met literally the

41:42

regional manager of space

41:44

or whatever. We've met the assistant to

41:46

the regional manager. We literally met both

41:48

of those things. It says like Amazon.

41:51

I looked and it was like the

41:53

character name. There's an org

41:55

chart. Oh,

41:57

watching them go through like

41:59

those weird fucking bond. exercises,

42:01

but they all just let each other drop during

42:03

trust falls. And

42:07

then they cackle. Yeah,

42:12

so Johnny Goodboy wins the fight and he's

42:15

like, you know, now he has the power

42:17

of the sludge, but he

42:19

says, no, we shall now all

42:21

eat the sludge together. And

42:24

this is great moment. All right, because he

42:26

sees the means of sludge production and he

42:28

holds out the sludge to uncredited extra

42:30

girl number two. And she

42:32

does like a, and

42:37

Johnny Goodboy Tyler is like, we

42:40

all eat together. And she's like,

42:42

no, no. And it's

42:44

dripping down his wrist into his

42:46

sleeve and shit. Every

42:49

time I bring Noah to a

42:51

fancy restaurant, the scene. Yeah.

42:55

Yeah. It's a sludge tasting, Noah. A

42:58

slice of sludge is idiot. A

43:00

fucking rube. It's four different years of sludge.

43:02

This is just the Amoose booty sludge. Then

43:04

we're going to get to the first sludge

43:07

course. Oh, good. Yeah, no,

43:09

that ties in really good to my throat. It

43:11

pairs with sludge. Yeah. All

43:14

right. Well, I'll tell you what, I guess

43:16

I'm sure thinking about P based sludge is

43:18

making Eli's vegan mouth water. So we're going

43:20

to pause for a quick break, but

43:22

we're back in a flash with even more of

43:25

battlefield earth. Bonjour,

43:32

liseneré. Tu emmais

43:34

mon pouquetoise toi. Bon, c'est

43:37

très bon mon pouquetoise toi.

43:39

Eli? Eli. What are you

43:41

doing? Oh, I was just showing off my

43:43

French skills for our listeners. Not a lot of them know

43:45

that I am fluent. No,

43:48

because you're not fluent. Like 90% of that

43:50

was nonsense. Or was it? It

43:53

was. But if you did want to learn a

43:55

new language, there's no better way to do it than

43:58

babble. What? Babbel.

44:01

I told you it's that thing you were doing

44:03

instead of French. I meant the product. Right, Babbel.

44:07

So this summer you can start speaking a

44:09

new language with Babbel. Why Babbel? Don't

44:12

do that. It's because it works. I

44:15

said it and now I answered because it works. Instead

44:17

of paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor

44:20

or fooling yourself with language apps that are

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44:24

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44:27

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44:29

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44:32

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44:34

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44:36

and tools for learning a new language

44:39

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44:41

and delivered with conversation-based teaching. It's true.

44:43

Anna's been using Babbel to brush up

44:45

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45:20

Babbel. Language the opposite

45:22

of what Eli's doing. Disagreement.

45:26

Okay. And

45:28

then, once we have captured the

45:30

man-animal, we will make him mine

45:33

through the gold without endangering our

45:35

breath gas. All watched

45:37

by our Picto cameras. Sorry,

45:40

boss. What's up? Yeah, I

45:42

think maybe your translator is having a

45:44

problem. My speech translator?

45:46

What's the matter wrong with it?

45:49

Uh, yeah, you're kind of doubling

45:51

words. IBM? Yep. Yeah.

45:53

Okay. Let me see it. Let me see it. Yep. Yep. There

45:55

it is. Let me get it. I got it. I got it.

45:58

Oh, wow. Thanks. I must have sounded like. an

46:00

idiot. I mean more like

46:02

a sci-fi hack trying to fill a per word

46:04

deal to support a coke habit but yeah yeah.

46:07

Got it. And

46:09

we're back! I

46:13

love double dipping on the applause like that and

46:17

we're gonna we're gonna rejoin the action

46:19

with paperwork. Now metal. Yes

46:22

metal paper. This is in

46:24

the future. In

46:26

a thousand years. Paper is very

46:28

thick metal. It's metal. Yeah. I

46:31

feel like there's just this bit

46:33

of space work was a prank

46:35

on Forrest Whitaker because I feel

46:37

like fully functional in his element

46:39

well rested Forrest Whitaker isn't

46:41

doing awesome at paperwork. But

46:44

he's got two finger gloves and

46:46

a fucking hat on. He looks

46:48

like a Ferengi turned sideways and

46:51

they were just like now Forrest put the metal

46:53

in the slot. He was like I

46:59

will remember this. Leaving

47:02

your religion. I'm gonna change my

47:04

religion. Yeah. So

47:06

yeah so it's going back to being Jewish. So

47:10

he's doing his metal paperwork. Not

47:13

a feta jews here but right. So

47:17

he's doing his metal paperwork and

47:19

John Travolta had comes in and he's like

47:21

angrily glaring at him from behind. He's like

47:23

you know you've done something very bad and

47:25

he's like how do you know. He's

47:27

like because I installed cameras and he's like sometimes

47:29

you gotta really rub the lotion in. I think

47:32

when you're chafing you have to just that's always

47:34

rubbing the lotion in. Normally

47:36

amount. But no it turns

47:38

out that Forrest Whitaker

47:40

has discovered a gold

47:42

vein that he can mine and he hasn't told

47:44

John Travolta about it because he figured he was

47:46

going to get promoted out of there and then

47:48

he'd be able to take credit for all the

47:50

gold himself. Right. That's the

47:52

plot now. John Travolta oh

47:55

it's about it. I'm sorry let me make it

47:58

dumber. The

48:00

aliens can't mine it though

48:03

because there's uranium nearby and their air... Sorry,

48:08

their air? They... Do

48:11

you mean breath gas? I

48:14

do mean breath gas! Do

48:17

you mean that they're attached to a

48:19

translation device and they still say

48:22

breath gas? Yes. Even though

48:24

there's a word for that called air that we have?

48:27

So they're... It's not a good translation

48:29

device. So

48:32

their breath gasoid, if it comes

48:34

into contact with uranium... Anything

48:37

radioactive? Anything radioactive. It'll explode.

48:40

Okay. But like... So

48:42

much stuff is radioactive. All

48:44

over the world we're looking for. I really wanted

48:47

bananas to be a secret weapon at the end

48:49

of the movie. Throws

48:51

it like a boomerang and we

48:53

just watch... Thwoo! Thwoo! Thwoo! Thwoo!

48:55

Thwoo! Thwoo! Thwoo! Thwoo! Thwoo! Camera

48:58

pans up, it's ray comfort.

49:00

Oh, hell yeah! Oh,

49:02

hell yeah! Did somebody call

49:05

for a savior? Heh! God,

49:11

I just wrote such a better movie!

49:14

Yep. Yep. So,

49:18

but they can't mine the gold. What they

49:20

need is they need humans to mine the

49:22

gold for them. This is

49:24

very important. Heh, it's

49:27

not. So stupid. There's

49:30

also this great moment where he's angry at Forrest

49:32

Whitaker and he goes like he's gonna shoot him.

49:35

And he goes, you can't shoot me?

49:38

That's against regulation! There

49:41

would be so much metal paperwork to

49:43

do. You have to put cover sheets

49:45

on all the TPS. It's so dumb.

49:47

It's all office politics for the next

49:49

act. Yes. But

49:51

yeah, he decides not to murder him. He's like,

49:53

no, actually I need you to help me with

49:55

my master plan. And I'm like, wow, you know,

49:57

not trying to murder somebody beforehand is a... Much

50:00

better strategy for getting him to help you. But

50:02

he didn't figure that out, didn't think of that.

50:05

So now we get Travoltoid, he's trying

50:07

to convince the boss,

50:09

testicle neck, that's the boss of

50:11

everybody. Mitch McConnell, the volcano demon.

50:13

No. Yeah. Yeah,

50:18

Mitch McConnell. He

50:22

says. He's getting a massage, it's really

50:24

creepy. It is, yeah right, they've got like four,

50:26

and there's like three chicks massaging him and one chick

50:29

just sort of rubbing his head like this. It's

50:31

very clear that they paid for four actresses

50:33

to be hot masseuses, and then the three

50:35

paired up on all the human limbs and

50:38

the fourth one was like, fuck Dwight, and they were

50:40

like, just. You

50:45

can see that just sarcastically being an

50:47

actress, just like. I

50:52

went to NYU with Eli. I

50:55

feel like I came out better, honestly. At

51:02

least I'm not doing a fucking podcast, yeah. So,

51:05

but Travoltoid says there's gonna be a

51:07

worker revolt amongst the cyclos,

51:09

they're gonna not wanna work for him anymore,

51:11

so instead they need to train man

51:13

animals on how to mine, right?

51:17

Again, this is the plot, I have to

51:19

go through this, I apologize. But

51:23

of course all of the cyclos laugh

51:25

at the very thought of lowly man

51:27

animals being able to mine. Look,

51:30

they knew we had metal shit, right? We

51:32

had metal shit when they showed up. Yeah.

51:35

So, okay, anyway. He

51:37

says, what if I took them just out in the

51:39

middle of nowhere to do some practice mining, better

51:42

if you don't know the location. Why

51:44

would that be better? But

51:48

testicle neck isn't sold on that. Yeah,

51:51

this scene is Noah not letting me buy a billboard for I can

51:53

fuck away your Lyme disease.com. Right.

51:56

If you wanna know what that company

51:58

meeting went like. I

52:00

even had a testicle neck for it. You had no idea there was a

52:02

lady rubbing your head and everything, yeah. That

52:05

went to NYU. Hahaha

52:09

So we check in on the enslaved humans,

52:11

still just hating life, everybody shackled together. And

52:14

all of a sudden, a drunk

52:16

spaceship driver... Everything

52:19

goes wrong, all of a sudden. It's

52:21

so fucking stupid. This spaceship hits a

52:23

smokestack above them, and the

52:25

smokestack starts falling on all the humans. An episode

52:28

of Citation Needed happens. Yeah, right,

52:30

right. Eli flies past

52:32

in the Challenger somehow, and

52:34

then like... Power 7 collapses

52:37

onto Chernobyl, and then...

52:40

Like, all the people of color in the movie

52:42

die, and that actually does happen later. No. It's

52:44

really bad. Psycho driving the ship is like, I'm

52:46

just gonna keep going, I don't have a choice.

52:51

It's fine. I have so much

52:53

more shitballs on them than there was of that smokestack

52:55

dude. He just keeps falling, and you're like, come on,

52:57

where the fuck would the rest of the hell be coming from? But

53:00

of course, Johnny uses this opportunity to

53:02

escape. His legs are shackled, but don't

53:05

worry, he takes care of that

53:07

with the old hit-them-really-hard trick. Classic.

53:10

And so he runs off, but

53:12

he's not very good at escaping, so they catch

53:14

him again. And they're like,

53:16

okay, that's like the... He shot a dude and

53:18

tried to escape twice. Let's shoot him... Elsewhere.

53:23

Wait till you get home. Everybody

53:25

knows. You don't shoot him now, right? You

53:27

wait till you get home. So

53:29

they drag him back inside the dome

53:32

where the humans can't breathe, but the

53:34

cyclists have to wear the little nose

53:36

things when they're outside of the dome,

53:38

right? Because they can't breathe human breath

53:40

gas. Yep. Yep. No, get the terminology right.

53:44

So they drag him back inside the dome for

53:46

a quick game of how long does it take

53:48

this human to die without his nose tubes? So

53:50

they pull out this fucking alien stopwatch. I

53:53

love the needlessly complicated alien thing, because, like,

53:55

I don't give a fuck where you're from.

53:57

A stopwatch would still look like a goddamn

53:59

stopwatch. In

54:01

Cyclo we have start, stop,

54:04

pause for evil laughter, forest

54:06

wittaker, and it's shaped like

54:12

the Wu-Tang thing for no reason. So

54:14

yeah, so they take his nose thing, he's

54:17

suffocating, and he runs off and they're like it's

54:19

okay that he's run off because the human can't survive

54:21

more than four minutes, and I'm like yeah, but

54:23

you have a bet on how long he's going to last. You

54:25

still have to like run along beside him and see when he

54:28

dies. I like that they didn't think of that, they were like

54:30

fuck we have to follow him now to get to bed. And

54:33

they try to catch up and he cheats a

54:36

little bit. Right, because he comes across like

54:38

fucking two minutes from where they are, there's a bunch

54:40

of humans with nose tubes, he's like can I borrow a

54:43

nose tube and they're like sure man, you seem

54:45

to need one. I wanted him to go

54:47

like one tube each like headphones, right? Yeah,

54:49

they're the only way to go, but they

54:51

were running off. I'm reading Apocalypse, he's one

54:53

nostril, two different guys. Technically the bet is

54:55

still going. Yes it is. Thank

54:57

you. I'm down. I'm

55:00

winning. So

55:03

the alien shoot at him, he keeps running. Meanwhile

55:05

Travoltoid and Whitticoit are plotting,

55:08

right? Maybe

55:11

the stupidest, well not the stupidest scene in the movie, maybe

55:14

the fifth stupidest scene in the movie here. Because

55:17

this is where Forest Whitaker is like I'm going to get a

55:19

share of the gold aren't I? And

55:21

John Travoltz is like dude I double-crossed you every

55:23

single fucking scene, even when there's not a thing

55:25

to double-cross you. I'm going to

55:28

double-cross you. He's like no, no come

55:30

on, I should benefit from

55:32

the plan as well. And he's like alright, why

55:34

don't you, hold on let me set up the camera. Why

55:37

don't you tell me what the plan is as

55:39

though it's your idea. Name

55:42

the evil plan, but I don't know, like as

55:44

a fun improv exercise, do it in the first

55:46

person. Yeah, let's do a sketch. I have a

55:48

little sketch that I wrote out where you came

55:51

up with a plan and I'm trying to stop

55:53

you. I'm going to set up this circle

55:55

light, one second. So yeah, so

55:57

it heats up. tricks

56:00

Forest Whitaker into pretending that it's

56:02

his plan and he gets video of him

56:04

and he's like, haha, now I have blackmail against

56:06

you so you can't double cross me later. And

56:08

he's like, yeah, I really should have seen that

56:10

coming. Leverage. So

56:13

yes, leverage. Thank you. Yeah. We come

56:15

back to that. So elsewhere, Johnny's still

56:17

running through the sewers now. Travolta just

56:19

happens to look at the sewer cam

56:21

in that moment. He's

56:25

in the habit, apparently, of regularly

56:27

checking the sewer cam. Still

56:31

a bunch of shit. Yep. Yep. Yep.

56:35

I've seen some shit, man. He's watching the

56:37

movie. Where

56:40

are we at in the movie? We can't possibly

56:42

still be looking at me and Forest Whitaker arguing

56:44

about you've got something on your shirt. Yeah, no,

56:46

no, he's doing a runaway thing. Nice. So

56:50

the aliens that lost him earlier, they catch back up

56:52

with him. And one alien says to the

56:54

other, he's like, I bet you I can shoot off one

56:56

of his limbs without missing. And I want

56:58

to be the other guy to go like, then this is how we got in this

57:00

fucking problem in the first place. Right? We can't we

57:02

just you just your gambling addiction that got

57:05

us here. We're all the fucking way in the

57:07

sewers now. Just remember shoot him now. Wait till

57:09

you get home. We got fucked on it. Just

57:11

center mass center mass. He's a good guy. We're

57:13

the bad guys. Center mass. Nope. No.

57:15

But just then, Trevultoid sneaks up

57:17

and shoots both of those aliens

57:19

from behind because now he's figured

57:21

out that that Johnny is the right

57:24

man animal for his mining

57:26

plan. Right? Because, you know,

57:28

who better to trust than the guy who has

57:30

repeatedly tried to escape and shot someone to death?

57:34

To be fair, he has shot less

57:36

cyclos to death than John Trevolt. No,

57:38

you're right. You're right. So

57:41

we should also point out that like this

57:43

movie is prudish by the standards of God

57:45

awful movies when it comes to profanity, right?

57:47

Because like he keeps saying stuff like, how

57:50

the crap should I know? I've

57:54

got a few more of those in my notes. I just wanted to warn you. So

57:56

anyway, so they're like, okay, so what we needed to do, they were

57:59

so proud of this stupid. stupid fucking shit. They're like,

58:01

what we need to do is figure out what the

58:03

humans like to eat so that we can offer

58:05

them that as a reward. And

58:08

honestly, if this was a flash cut to a

58:10

scene where the Cyclos take the humans to a

58:13

1000 year old Buffalo Wild Wings, I would

58:15

be in. Do

58:20

you guys all want Diablo sauce? Yeah.

58:24

Sorry, this is hard to pour. These fingers

58:26

are fucking stupid. The

58:29

sauce jars come out the bottom when the Cyclos,

58:32

so you gotta. We

58:34

also changed cup technology quite a bit. This butt

58:36

plug thing isn't working out great. We're

58:39

going to make Boris Whitaker do this later.

58:43

But it's not a race thing, we swear. But

58:48

the fucking plan here, they're like, so what we're going

58:50

to do, we're going to let some of the humans

58:52

think that they've escaped and then we'll watch

58:54

them from afar for several days until they find

58:56

something to eat and then we'll know that that's

58:58

their favorite thing to eat. But they're

59:01

captive. Like you don't have to woo

59:03

your captives. It's a weird note again.

59:05

I feel like I strategize for the

59:07

bad guys, but that's weird. The fucking

59:09

brain is coming up to him going,

59:11

that's a convoluted plot, man. I don't

59:13

think that's all those steps are necessary.

59:15

So unless we see something cool, like,

59:18

you know, the prison escape, we just

59:20

cut to them having already escaped now,

59:22

right? Or fake escape. Let's watch

59:24

them fuck and see which type of butt

59:26

stuff they're into. And then we'll offer, we'll

59:28

dangle that type of fucking, you know, do

59:30

whatever you want. You have a few, you

59:32

make that suggestion an awful lot for us,

59:34

Whitaker. I didn't want to point out that

59:37

you, well, it's not the first time I've

59:39

ever pulled this time. So that's why we

59:41

got fired from the toy store. So

59:47

we ended up working.

59:50

So we see Johnny, Carlo and the

59:52

guy that he fought for the peace

59:54

sludge championship. Those three guys are climbing

59:56

up a mountain together. We have this sequence now. Again,

59:58

they were so proud of the moment, the good

1:00:00

guys find a rat, and they're starving to

1:00:02

death, so they eat the rat, and from

1:00:04

that point on, John Travoltoy thinks that humans

1:00:06

love rats. They will milk

1:00:09

that fucking shit for humor about 37 more

1:00:11

times before this movie's over. They

1:00:14

become full-blown fucking

1:00:17

Bugs Bunny villains at this point.

1:00:20

I love, too, they keep saying, like, oh, we can

1:00:22

see them through the Picto cameras. As

1:00:27

opposed to one other kind of

1:00:29

camera. Stupid

1:00:31

fucking shit. Okay. But

1:00:35

then, Johnny figures out there's a camera

1:00:37

in their buttons. How the fuck

1:00:39

would he know about cameras? Yeah, because he's

1:00:41

watching the movie. Oh, okay, yeah.

1:00:44

It never matters, by the way. Like,

1:00:46

it will never affect the movie. Nope.

1:00:48

He's just like, and now this scene

1:00:50

ends because I have literally destroyed the

1:00:53

camera filter. Right,

1:00:55

because immediately after that, we see John

1:00:57

Travoltan first wicker finding them. Right, because,

1:01:00

like, if that was how they got away and then

1:01:02

they couldn't find them later, it might make some amount

1:01:04

of fucking sense. But no, immediately after that, they take

1:01:06

a spaceship and they're like, well, I guess we've got

1:01:08

to go get them. I like

1:01:11

the idea of a spy team not knowing what to do with

1:01:13

the information they have, though. It feels

1:01:15

like some spy team is

1:01:17

watching you via your TikTok

1:01:19

and they're just like, what

1:01:22

the fuck does China do

1:01:24

with this information? It doesn't

1:01:27

help us at all. Someone's in China HQ

1:01:29

right now being like, okay, so she's holding

1:01:31

a hair iron and there's a popcorn kernel

1:01:33

in it and thank

1:01:36

you for the glizzy. And

1:01:38

I, what I'm saying is I

1:01:40

don't think they're a threat and maybe this whole thing

1:01:42

was a way to die. And

1:01:45

you're here? What is a pug of peggicord? The

1:01:49

ultimate counterintelligence right here. Yeah,

1:01:51

right? So

1:01:53

the bad, so the good guys are running because they can

1:01:55

see that Boris Whiticoid and John Travolta are right on their

1:01:58

asses with the spaceship. They come across the name. ravine.

1:02:01

The good guy Johnny is about to jump into the

1:02:03

ravine to the river below they're like oh you'll die

1:02:05

he goes to run and he goes to jump in

1:02:07

the spaceship that Forrest Whitaker said rises up of the

1:02:10

ravine that they were just looking down

1:02:12

into. Like

1:02:16

true lies with the Harrier jet.

1:02:18

Yeah exactly. And it's

1:02:20

noisiest shit I'm like I feel like it would

1:02:22

have been noisier in the ravine though

1:02:24

wouldn't it Morgan? Anyway

1:02:26

it's not a sneak up on you type vehicle

1:02:28

is what I'm saying but they all get caught.

1:02:32

Harrier jet being like spoiler

1:02:38

alert. It

1:02:40

rises up but it's dressed as a

1:02:42

bush. Yeah. No. Again.

1:02:45

Normal. Boiler. I

1:02:50

forgot how dumb the end of the movie

1:02:52

is. Exactly. As

1:02:55

bad as this is the third act is

1:02:57

so much worse. It's important not to make

1:02:59

jokes as we analyze this movie because we

1:03:01

end up writing it. We write the movie.

1:03:03

Yep. So they throw the peace sludge bad guy that

1:03:05

we never bothered to name. They throw him out of

1:03:08

the ravine to see if humans can fly if they

1:03:10

can't. And

1:03:12

then they take Johnny and Carlo back to

1:03:14

fucking blue Dutch

1:03:16

angle city or whatever.

1:03:19

And this is where it's

1:03:21

time to put Johnny in the spinny

1:03:23

teaching chair. You

1:03:26

never really appreciate the creativity

1:03:28

of the babblefish till you

1:03:30

see shit like that. He's

1:03:34

in the learning.

1:03:37

They call it the

1:03:39

fucking knowledge machine. It's so

1:03:41

fucking dumb. So they're like well in order

1:03:43

for them to mind they're gonna have to be able to

1:03:45

speak cyclo so let's put them in the learn

1:03:47

stuff machine like from the Now the

1:03:50

way that they visualize this is

1:03:53

first by showing like literal

1:03:55

charts and equations fly into

1:03:57

Johnny's eyes. Also,

1:04:01

it doesn't just teach him cyclo,

1:04:04

it teaches him all the

1:04:06

things he'll need for Act 3 of the

1:04:08

movie for some reason. Also, buggin'

1:04:10

Euclidean geometry and molecular biology

1:04:13

for some fuckin' reason. We'll get there in a

1:04:15

second. But my favorite thing about

1:04:17

the lirometer meter thing is that at one

1:04:19

point they pull him out and they're like,

1:04:22

oh, he's not done yet. So the

1:04:24

fuckin' lirometer is like an air fryer?

1:04:26

Right. You just gotta... No,

1:04:30

I don't think that's good yet. Probably

1:04:37

just stand here and watch it. Yeah, it's like 400

1:04:39

degrees right away. When

1:04:42

you smell it. Okay, smell it. Got

1:04:44

it. Okay. Now

1:04:47

he knows A squared plus B squared

1:04:49

equals C squared. Yeah. There's

1:04:51

also this moment where they show us what it's

1:04:53

like in the learning machine. There's this little

1:04:55

timid alien, this different kind of alien that

1:04:57

comes up and says, oh, I'm going to

1:04:59

teach you how to speak cyclone now. And

1:05:02

we just get a good three minutes with

1:05:04

this guy. I wanted to follow that

1:05:06

story, the race of alien power bottoms

1:05:09

that were just like, ooh, dominate

1:05:12

me cyclone. That

1:05:16

movie? That movie rules. Yeah.

1:05:20

So, but yeah, so now we

1:05:22

can understand John Travolta. Battlefield girl.

1:05:25

Good night, everybody. Thanks

1:05:30

so much for

1:05:32

coming in. Thank

1:05:34

you to the garden theater. And

1:05:43

then we also get a scene where the good guys, the

1:05:45

other good guys, they come in and they see Johnny in

1:05:47

the knowledge machine and they're like, oh, rescue him from

1:05:49

that. There's charts and words flying into his

1:05:52

eyes and shit. So

1:05:54

they pull him out and he's like, no, actually I was

1:05:57

kind of into that. If you want my throne back in,

1:05:59

there's these power bottoms. I'm a lot of aliens, it'd be

1:06:01

a lot to explain. But he goes

1:06:03

in and he learns some more. And then that

1:06:05

night, get this, it's so dumb.

1:06:09

We're back in the prison, he's drawn a giant

1:06:11

equation on the floor. Because

1:06:14

when you reach a certain amount of intelligence,

1:06:16

you start just drawing equations on random shit,

1:06:18

you know? And it's so

1:06:20

big that like, he went ahead and asked people to move

1:06:23

right, if you guys could move over to the left and

1:06:25

just try not to, because like the other part is over

1:06:27

there where you're walking. And he's known all

1:06:30

of human knowledge for three seconds. And some guy's

1:06:32

like, when are we gonna use this in real

1:06:34

life? And he's like, we are. We

1:06:37

are, we're gonna escape from

1:06:40

slavery with this. And he's like, I

1:06:42

don't know. I

1:06:45

got a calculator in my pocket. He's

1:06:49

teaching him about triangles. He goes, this is the

1:06:51

entire basis of Euclidean geometry. I'm like,

1:06:53

weird that the aliens also named their

1:06:56

geometry after Euclid. After Euclid, yeah.

1:06:58

Right. You

1:07:01

should have seen the ships they came down in.

1:07:04

All janky as fuck, never mean it. Angles

1:07:07

never quite connected. Shit,

1:07:11

land this thing. I think these guys are onto something.

1:07:18

We might be able to shoot our movies head on. Oh,

1:07:32

Jesus. So what's so

1:07:34

funny about this is that this is supposed

1:07:36

to be him doing like, he's supposed to be saying smart

1:07:38

stuff, because he's just learned all of human knowledge. But the

1:07:41

people writing it are idiots. Right, so

1:07:43

he's just going with sixth grade

1:07:45

Snapple. The best right, it was

1:07:47

like equilateral triangle stuff. All the

1:07:49

angles. He's agreed. Come on, don't

1:07:51

tell me about the Berenium or

1:07:53

something. Oh, cool. You

1:07:56

learned all the knowledge, and you're not

1:07:58

gonna explain something. Come on. So,

1:08:02

yeah, so we get the, now they're the

1:08:04

newly educated humans are

1:08:07

like poking around in John Travolta's office, he

1:08:09

apparently put him to work in his office

1:08:11

for some stupid fucking reason that the movie

1:08:13

doesn't explain to us. And they

1:08:16

figure out his secret code. And

1:08:19

it's password? Yes, yes. The

1:08:21

alien password is password 1-2-3. The

1:08:24

fucking MAGA 2020 isn't so good. It's

1:08:28

literally, they're like, well, we know his employee ID number,

1:08:30

see if it's that. And it's like, no, it's not

1:08:32

that. It's like, see if it's that backwards. It's like,

1:08:34

well, this would be really fucking boring if it wasn't.

1:08:36

Yes, fine. It's that backwards. They

1:08:39

figure out how the cameras work. Anyway,

1:08:42

so then we check in back with his

1:08:44

girlfriend. We check back in with Chrissy, right?

1:08:47

We have a quick scene where his horse made it home.

1:08:50

I told you the horse was fine. Y'all

1:08:52

didn't believe me. So

1:08:57

the horse makes it home. She looks

1:08:59

and she's like, I'm going to have to go

1:09:01

out and rescue him. And the old guy's

1:09:03

like, you're obviously going to end up in distress. Fucking

1:09:07

duh. Like that's how the movie goes. And

1:09:09

he's like, Chrissy, stop. Before

1:09:12

you go, you need to

1:09:14

fail the Beck total. Even

1:09:18

harder than you already have.

1:09:22

Let's talk about the man that matters.

1:09:25

Johnny Goodboy Tyler. His name is Johnny Goodboy. And

1:09:30

that's the end of the fucking scene. That's it. She

1:09:33

will never matter again. Well, she'll matter.

1:09:36

She'll be in distress. She will be in distress. So

1:09:40

Johnny's back on the learning computer again. Travoltoid's

1:09:42

mad that he won't eat his rat. So

1:09:44

very funny. Thank you so much mileage out

1:09:46

of that. Now what Johnny's

1:09:48

decided to do is pretend that the knowledge machine

1:09:50

isn't working. So they'll keep him on longer and

1:09:52

he'll get more knowledge. And Forrest Whitaker's

1:09:54

like, hey, what if he's just pretending the knowledge

1:09:56

machine doesn't work so that we'll leave it on him longer

1:09:59

and he'll get more knowledge. more knowledge and Tron

1:10:01

Travolta is like, that would be stupid. What

1:10:03

a stupid fucking plot, you fucking idiot. That

1:10:05

would be terrible. Why would our knowledge

1:10:07

machine teach him things that we don't want him to

1:10:09

know? And he's like, no, that doesn't make sense. I'm

1:10:13

Forrest Whitaker. Come get me, mom. I'm

1:10:16

not having a good time. They

1:10:18

make me do a bunch of

1:10:20

manual dexterity stuff and I feel

1:10:23

like it's a race thing. Jesus

1:10:25

Christ. They made

1:10:27

me play Connect Four this morning. It's a POM

1:10:34

game. So they're

1:10:36

like, all right, well, I guess this one's not, the

1:10:39

knowledge isn't taken on this one. We should shoot him

1:10:41

and try over. And then he's like, oh no, I

1:10:43

speak cyclo, right? So he starts speaking cyclo to him,

1:10:45

using their language, tell him to fuck biscuits or whatever.

1:10:47

I love

1:10:50

that the movie couldn't decide how to

1:10:52

handle the language changing

1:10:55

between English and Cyclo. So they were just like,

1:10:58

I think we cut the baby in

1:11:00

half. Isn't that what it said in

1:11:02

the box? And they just didn't have

1:11:04

a sentence. And then it was like,

1:11:07

yeah, right. Go fuck your biscuits. But

1:11:09

he's like, but now the good guys have gotten a

1:11:12

bunch of guns, right? Because he figured out where the

1:11:14

guns were hidden and he had the code. So now

1:11:16

the other good guys have gotten guns and he's like,

1:11:18

take me to the transporter machine or I'll have you

1:11:20

killed. But the guns aren't loaded. How would

1:11:24

you even load these? You have to put the Wu

1:11:26

Tang CD in through the

1:11:30

guns are designed so stupidly that in that

1:11:32

very classic trope scene where it's like, that's

1:11:34

not loaded. He just holds it because they

1:11:36

couldn't figure out how to load these guns.

1:11:38

He's like, just here is

1:11:40

a loading that is done.

1:11:42

There's a way in which this is

1:11:45

then loaded. So how are laser guns

1:11:47

better than regular guns? If you still

1:11:49

have to fucking load them, do

1:11:51

they have to go to the planetarium and grab like

1:11:53

a handful of those pointers and lead

1:11:57

them into the Wu Tang symbol? AA

1:12:01

batteries? So

1:12:03

yeah, so the guns won't fire, but Johnny explains,

1:12:06

he's like, but you still can't kill

1:12:08

me because I know your evil plan,

1:12:10

and I'll rat you out because

1:12:12

I've been listening to you monologue about your evil plan

1:12:14

for the last two days. Because I've been watching the

1:12:16

movie. Yeah. So,

1:12:19

but then, everything is

1:12:21

so dumb, it just keeps getting dumber from here. So

1:12:25

John Travoltoy is like, well, I just have

1:12:27

to prove to you, first of all, that

1:12:29

you humans can never defeat us. So let

1:12:31

me take you to a human library where

1:12:33

all the books will have really held up

1:12:35

well over the last thousand years. My

1:12:38

God, he's bringing him to a drag queen

1:12:40

story hour. The

1:12:46

ultimate brainwashing tool.

1:12:48

Hisself. The

1:12:51

evil library. Yeah, so he's like, read all of

1:12:53

the human books and you'll see that there's no

1:12:55

knowledge you could use that would be useful in

1:12:57

act three. Okay,

1:13:00

in my notes, I'm watching this movie. Occasionally,

1:13:02

I just write down what's happening in my

1:13:04

life. I wrote down John

1:13:07

Travolta in Dreadlocks, wearing

1:13:09

nose plugs like a kid learning to

1:13:11

swim, dragging a guy on

1:13:14

a neck leash into the Denver Public

1:13:16

Library. This is my life right now. Yeah.

1:13:20

I love that he's wearing four foot still boots and you

1:13:22

didn't even bother to mention that, right? I mean, I didn't

1:13:24

even. That wasn't even in your list. So

1:13:28

yeah, so Johnny starts reading all of human knowledge,

1:13:30

starting with the Declaration of Independence. Obviously.

1:13:34

First pick. Yes. First, what's

1:13:36

the greatest human book? The greatest human

1:13:39

book. I

1:13:42

got some bad news for Forrest Whitaker in this thing.

1:13:46

Yeah, they're actually very clear

1:13:48

about their policy. Terrifying.

1:13:53

It's like the worst first date of

1:13:55

all time. Somebody answers with, my favorite

1:13:57

book is the Declaration. Oh

1:14:01

no, I'm fucking that person. That

1:14:04

person crazy. Maybe. Did you

1:14:07

have Vincico? Absolutely. No,

1:14:10

alright. The white paper

1:14:12

about Bitcoin, like, Toshi

1:14:14

Nakamoto is my favorite

1:14:17

book. So

1:14:19

he's like, alright, now that you've had plenty of

1:14:21

library time and you know that the human knowledge

1:14:23

is never going to help you, I need to

1:14:25

like really drive the point home. So

1:14:27

watch me shoot cows. Well,

1:14:31

not shoot cows. Let me stand near

1:14:33

cows. Well, so he starts shooting these

1:14:35

cows and he's doing like, he's doing

1:14:37

like behind the back. Again,

1:14:41

the Yosemite fucking Sam this

1:14:43

bullshit is. And if it's supposed

1:14:45

to be serious, the cow noises

1:14:47

are ruining it, right? So he

1:14:50

shoots a bunch of cows. He's

1:14:52

shooting their legs

1:14:54

off too, by

1:15:00

the way. He's

1:15:03

not killing the guys. He's just shooting their

1:15:05

legs out from under him. It's

1:15:08

like fucking alien cow tipping, I guess. But

1:15:11

just then a bunch of humans, a bunch

1:15:14

of savage humans run in and attack

1:15:16

John Travolta. But Johnny,

1:15:19

like, who is, you

1:15:21

know, outraged in the name of animal

1:15:23

husbandry or whatever, gets John

1:15:25

Travolta's gun and he tells the

1:15:28

humans, he's like, hey, you know, this is still act

1:15:30

two. You know, he is the big

1:15:32

draw. We paid him $10 million to be in this

1:15:34

movie. So you can't kill him yet. But

1:15:37

be on my side later on, like in act

1:15:39

three, you guys can kick some ass. And they're

1:15:41

like, all right, well, it sounds like a pretty good

1:15:43

deal. I actually like that deal. Can we be featured?

1:15:45

Could we be featured under five? Yes. Some of you

1:15:47

could be featured under five. Can

1:15:50

we have crafty? No, you cannot have crafty. It's

1:15:53

mostly sludge paste. Yeah, right. Yeah. So

1:15:57

I love too that the way that they start is they're like, you know, the great

1:15:59

gods are like, you know, have decreed that you shall not

1:16:01

attack our cows. And Johnny's like, actually it

1:16:03

turns out that your religion is wrong. And

1:16:06

people don't usually take that well, Johnny.

1:16:08

I know from experience. You're not winning

1:16:10

them over to your side yet. But

1:16:14

he explains, because of course he's read the Declaration

1:16:16

of Independence, so he explains the value of freedom.

1:16:18

Which has that great steak recipe in it. I

1:16:20

don't know if you've checked it out recently. But

1:16:25

he's like, no, we can't kill him now. I

1:16:27

need to go back and learn more alien shit.

1:16:30

Right? And they're like, why? And he's like, because

1:16:32

they have these power bottom aliens? These holograms? I

1:16:34

know you don't know what that means, but trust

1:16:36

me. So where's going back where?

1:16:40

So all of the human savages leave and he's like,

1:16:42

and of course, John Travolta doesn't know what they're

1:16:44

saying because he doesn't speak English. So then he

1:16:46

says to him, in cyclo, hey, I tricked them.

1:16:48

They've all left now and they're not going to

1:16:51

attack you because I'm on your side. And

1:16:54

he's like, okay, great, great. Quick, before we

1:16:56

wrap this scene up though, we do not

1:16:58

have a damsel in distress yet in the

1:17:00

film. Wait for

1:17:02

it. Yep.

1:17:04

So Forrest Whitacoid lands and they've

1:17:06

got Chrissy. They've kidnapped her.

1:17:08

And he's like, this

1:17:11

is a great one. This is one of the better dumbs

1:17:13

of the entire movie. He's like, I don't know that chick.

1:17:15

I don't know who she even is. And they're

1:17:17

like, nice try. She had this sketch that

1:17:19

she did of you using her a

1:17:21

thousand year old pencils. That

1:17:26

of all the dumb connective tissue in

1:17:28

this movie, you know

1:17:30

her cause she had a picture of you right

1:17:33

up there. Yes. Yeah.

1:17:36

And he's like, I'm going to put an explosive

1:17:38

collar on her neck. And if you step

1:17:40

out of line, I'll use this remote control to

1:17:42

blow her up. And

1:17:46

it works from anywhere on the planet. Like

1:17:49

they felt like really needed to explain this

1:17:51

one. Yes. Before you ask everywhere on the

1:17:53

planet. Why didn't they just like duct tape

1:17:55

a big cartoon bomb to her hand or

1:17:58

I placed her above this cliff. edge and

1:18:00

she'll look down if you bother me. Everything

1:18:05

that Charles says, the whole movie is the

1:18:07

meme with the drunk guy and the beer

1:18:09

yelling into the grill. Everything

1:18:12

he says the entire time. So

1:18:14

he's like, you wouldn't kill my girlfriend?

1:18:16

He's like, oh, you doubt me? Well

1:18:19

then let me murder this unnamed

1:18:22

character that you apparently have a

1:18:24

connection with to demonstrate my point.

1:18:26

He's like, don't murder Dave. And

1:18:28

we're like, we don't know who that is. I

1:18:31

don't care about you, Johnny. Good boy,

1:18:33

Tyler. He

1:18:37

says, please don't kill him. Please.

1:18:39

And John Travolta's like, all right, fine.

1:18:41

I won't kill him. Look

1:18:43

for a swedicoid, Wilb. What?

1:18:47

Got him, idiot. Now

1:18:51

sit on this whoopee cushion. I'm an evil

1:18:54

alien. All

1:18:56

right. Well, I think this

1:18:58

movie has literally run out of bad guy cliches at

1:19:00

this point. So clearly it needs a break. But first,

1:19:02

let me give Actry the hard sell. Will

1:19:06

the dumbest thing that has ever

1:19:08

happened in a movie still happen?

1:19:14

Will my complaints about the condition of

1:19:16

the thousand year old mini golf

1:19:18

course Stegosaurus seem quaint in comparison?

1:19:23

Will this be the movie that finally breaks

1:19:25

me? Find out

1:19:28

the answers to these questions and more when

1:19:30

we return for the unapologetically stupid conclusion of

1:19:32

Battlefield Earth. Foolish

1:19:41

man animal, our far superior species

1:19:44

has conquered your earth and you

1:19:46

are but worms at our feet.

1:19:48

That's what you think, cyclo. You

1:19:51

doubt me, do you? I do all right

1:19:53

and I shall let you go. Except

1:19:56

I won't. Oh,

1:19:59

okay. You thought I

1:20:01

was going to let you go, but then I didn't.

1:20:04

I mean, not really. You

1:20:07

barely even paused. I was just

1:20:09

asking. Oh, well. Then

1:20:11

perhaps I shall give you a reward

1:20:13

for your cleverness by letting

1:20:16

you go. Are

1:20:19

you actually? No, Hark! That time you fell

1:20:21

for my roots for sure. You fell for

1:20:24

it that time. Again, no, no. I just

1:20:26

asked if you were, because you paused again,

1:20:28

like, weirdly. I see. Well, I guess you

1:20:31

win this time, man-animal. Oh,

1:20:34

but before you do, you have a

1:20:37

spot on your shirt right here,

1:20:39

man-animal. No, I don't. I assure you

1:20:42

you do. It is a real big

1:20:44

one, too. Very embarrassing. I don't,

1:20:46

though. You sure? You'd

1:20:48

look very silly if you didn't check. Okay.

1:20:51

Here we go. Yeah, got it. Oh,

1:20:53

where is it? You are

1:20:55

fools like the fool you are. I've

1:20:58

got to tell you, man, I'm feeling way better

1:21:00

about genociding your planet at this point. I get

1:21:02

that a lot. And

1:21:05

we're back for even more of this shit.

1:21:12

So, we're going to rejoin our

1:21:14

heroes being led back to prison willingly

1:21:16

this time. Johnny's starting to

1:21:18

doubt himself, because, you know, he literally just got

1:21:21

one of his friends killed with his bullshit. And,

1:21:25

of course, everybody's like, it's not your fault

1:21:27

that unnamed character died, Johnny. And I'm like, it

1:21:29

is, though. It is. It's 100% your fault. It is

1:21:32

so clearly your fault. You

1:21:34

look down at the spot on your shirt, John Gervolt, to

1:21:36

blow up your friend's head. That's how

1:21:38

it fucking happens. But all

1:21:40

the prisoners want to join Johnny's fight. There's

1:21:42

this great moment where, like, one random guy

1:21:44

says, he speaks the cyclo-language and will

1:21:47

help us fight them. And everyone in

1:21:49

the prison's like, yes! It's

1:21:52

so quickly like a middle school

1:21:54

playground. It was like, this

1:21:56

guy can speak cyclo! Oh my God, who

1:21:58

said that? Fight! Fight! Fight! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

1:22:03

Oregon sucks Canada's work! Yeah,

1:22:08

fuck Toronto, exactly. Yeah.

1:22:10

Detroit. So, you

1:22:13

think you're so much better on your

1:22:15

side of the river because your homeless

1:22:18

people aren't dead in the street? Well,

1:22:20

let me tell you something. We

1:22:23

like them that way. Saves

1:22:26

our cops bullets. Yeah.

1:22:30

Yeah, I read your newspaper. I'm

1:22:34

from New York and I'm like, come on guys, little

1:22:36

much. Anyways,

1:22:40

the movie? What happened next to your movie? Yes, thank you.

1:22:42

I am. So

1:22:45

we got back to John Travoltoy at

1:22:47

the bar. This is where we're going

1:22:49

to meet his extremely long-tongued secretary. You

1:22:54

would think. You would fucking think.

1:22:58

Right? But no. They have this chick in there.

1:23:00

She's like, oh, she's got a four-foot tongue and

1:23:02

we're all like, huh? All right. All right. But

1:23:04

then they have her like kind of licky shirt

1:23:06

all weird. And you're just like, don't. That's... There's

1:23:09

like four things you could have done with that tongue that

1:23:11

I wouldn't have been into. And that's

1:23:14

one of them. So don't show

1:23:16

it. Don't show John Travoltoy being

1:23:18

like, don't lick my shirt. Yeah.

1:23:20

If you don't have the courage

1:23:22

to show us cyclo-analingus. Right.

1:23:25

Don't tease us with cyclo-analingus. Thank

1:23:27

you. Exactly. Thank you. Sorry. I

1:23:29

have to quote one moment here.

1:23:31

Does she not say, I'm going

1:23:34

to make you as happy as

1:23:38

a baby on a straight

1:23:42

diet of kerbango,

1:23:44

which is a green liqueur from

1:23:47

the future? Yes. How

1:23:49

is that? He is a baby

1:23:51

that only drinks liquor.

1:23:54

A starving drunk baby. Very

1:23:56

starved. Yes. I'm

1:23:58

not saying it's a low number. I'm just saying,

1:24:00

how much is it? That's

1:24:03

weird to not tell us. And

1:24:05

why is it an expression? That's

1:24:08

an important one there. Is she the cyclo

1:24:10

version of an Irish mom? Like what's happening

1:24:12

here? What

1:24:16

do you mean by that? You know how when you...

1:24:18

I don't know. No, I don't think we need to

1:24:20

explain. I'll explain. Let him explain. Let him explain. We

1:24:23

only have this theater for a film. They say that

1:24:25

we have to be out by... So,

1:24:30

okay. But what we were... I wore underwear

1:24:32

for them. They always...

1:24:42

No one in this room has seen my penis. So,

1:24:44

well... Yeah...

1:24:48

Fight! Fight! You

1:24:50

couldn't see it from way out there anyways. So...

1:24:55

So... So

1:24:59

anyway, so now the secretary though is gonna find

1:25:01

out... She's gonna lick testicle

1:25:04

neck's ass. And get like

1:25:06

a hold of his shady accounting. Right? So they

1:25:08

can get some blackmail on him. So

1:25:11

we got to Travoltoid and Whiticoid confronting

1:25:13

testicle neck about this shady accounting. Right?

1:25:17

He's like, it looks like we've got leverage over you now.

1:25:20

And he's like, wow, I guess whatever I was holding

1:25:22

up is now not a problem

1:25:25

for the script. They're

1:25:27

like, we won't tell the big boss that you've

1:25:30

been hoarding money or whatever... If

1:25:32

you'll sign all these blank permission slips

1:25:35

for us... Yeah,

1:25:37

and testicle neck is like, not

1:25:40

document fraud! What is it?

1:25:45

Like, I know people make a big deal about like,

1:25:47

oh, everyone in Hollywood has red saved the cat, so

1:25:49

all the movies are the same. But

1:25:52

the alternative is not

1:25:54

document fraud! It

1:25:56

is weird though that we're all taking instructions from the guy

1:25:59

who wrote... or my mom will

1:26:01

shoot. That's true, yeah. The

1:26:04

best movie ever written. Those are great movies,

1:26:06

thank you. Barb and Hamer

1:26:08

or my mom will shoot. Yeah, right. It's

1:26:10

the ultimate trilogy. So,

1:26:13

and then we cut back to Johnny. He's

1:26:15

back in the, oh, sorry. He

1:26:17

gets it back in the knowledge machine, but then also

1:26:20

they have to teach him to fly

1:26:22

spaceships so that

1:26:24

he can mine. What? Why?

1:26:27

Why? Why would

1:26:29

any of that... Those are three great questions. Okay.

1:26:33

We are 1,000 years into the future. They're

1:26:36

flying across galaxies. They

1:26:39

must have something

1:26:41

like Tesla's autopilot. You think?

1:26:44

Well, maybe something that works. But a good... A

1:26:47

person that works. Like a... But

1:26:50

they have like a strong Teamsters Union? I guess.

1:26:52

So they're like, we have to teach this guy.

1:26:54

Oh, just some guy sitting out in front of

1:26:56

the mining operation with a giant inflatable rat. So,

1:27:03

yeah. So John Travolta is basically like, hey,

1:27:05

here's a book on how to make fucking

1:27:08

escape blueprints, but don't use it. He's like,

1:27:10

he's going through this training, this spaceship training

1:27:12

program, and he's like, video game better, or

1:27:14

I'll blow your girlfriend's head off. I wrote my

1:27:17

notes. He says that a lot. Okay.

1:27:22

It's not. I

1:27:24

don't like title. He says, right, right, right. Yeah, I was going to say...

1:27:28

I love you. He was about to say,

1:27:30

no, it isn't. Then he's like, oh, but Mario Kart.

1:27:32

Wait, you're right. No, I literally... And

1:27:38

I was like, fuck, that's accurate. Yeah.

1:27:40

So, but the key though is that

1:27:42

they're very proud of these PS2 graphics

1:27:44

or whatever. So we watched the

1:27:46

flight simulator for a fucking while. We're watching the

1:27:49

audition for the Battlefield Earth roller coaster. Yeah, right.

1:27:52

So silly. We're watching Top Gun

1:27:54

Maverick, but like, on a

1:27:56

Game Boy for like a good five

1:27:58

minutes. So

1:28:00

look, a bottom gun. So,

1:28:02

so, Trevoltoid and Whitticoid, finally they take them out

1:28:04

to the gold mine. There's this great

1:28:07

moment where they're trying to take them out there, but of course

1:28:09

remember that the aliens can't go all the way out there because

1:28:11

there's uranium in the air. So they

1:28:13

have to show... There's uranium in the air.

1:28:16

I'm sorry, in the breath gas. In the breath

1:28:18

gas. There's uranium in the breath gas. So

1:28:21

they have to show the

1:28:23

negative effects of radiation in

1:28:25

the breath gas. We get

1:28:27

these tiny little explosions. Is

1:28:30

that a vulture horror? Because

1:28:34

it makes our breath gas explode, so it

1:28:37

would probably make it explode a

1:28:39

little. We breathe neutrons out

1:28:41

like a gun of neutrons.

1:28:45

So yeah, so John Trevolt is like, so you, I can't go any further,

1:28:47

but you guys go on to the gold. I'm

1:28:50

getting to be at two weeks, and when I

1:28:52

come back I want this cage half full of

1:28:54

gold. I'm like, that's a weird instruction. Everything's

1:29:01

so dumb. Why wouldn't it be full? I

1:29:03

don't know. Just demand full. 43%

1:29:05

full of gold. So

1:29:10

they go to start themselves this space mine. Oh,

1:29:13

I forgot to mention that when Johnny was like

1:29:15

deciding to like, he was going to lead the people in

1:29:17

rebellion, he starts cutting off locks

1:29:19

of his hair to hand to people

1:29:22

in some symbolic thing or whatever. So now

1:29:24

he has cut his hair into a fucking

1:29:26

mullet. I

1:29:28

like the idea that there's a jerk who he

1:29:30

had to give hair to just because otherwise he

1:29:32

was going to look weird. Right. And

1:29:35

he was like, oh look, it's Pervy Dan. You

1:29:39

know, I'm sorry, I don't want to look like a fucking

1:29:41

flock of seagulls performance. So yeah, there you go. You're

1:29:44

going to, yeah, you're going to, you're going to

1:29:46

jerk off with my hair. I love it. I

1:29:49

love that when Eli decided he was going to go

1:29:52

with Pervy Dan, he's like, I can hand Heath the

1:29:54

hair and that'll be fine. So get it. So,

1:29:57

okay. Listeners

1:30:02

at home, Heath is being pervy with

1:30:04

Eli's imaginary hair now. A

1:30:07

little bit of real. There was a little bit of real. You

1:30:10

may never want to come from your face after a

1:30:12

mime. That's

1:30:14

what we always say. Sparkle

1:30:18

Donkey. Never

1:30:20

want to come from his face after

1:30:22

a mime. Tequila.

1:30:28

So Johnny decides that instead of mining the gold,

1:30:30

which would be a whole big thing, they're actually going

1:30:33

to go to Fort Nutter. To

1:30:36

save the team center from

1:30:39

Denver. From

1:30:42

Denver! We can see how fast the

1:30:44

ship's going like 45. Right?

1:30:47

This would be a 39 hour, as

1:30:49

the crow flies it'd take them

1:30:51

39 fucking hours to speed this

1:30:53

ship's going. Also, those

1:30:55

are gold ingots. Yes! John

1:30:59

Dravolta the Alien is expecting

1:31:01

uranium with gold. It's

1:31:03

all going to get explained. Sadly

1:31:06

enough, I wrote that down as a

1:31:08

joke, and he will be like, I made

1:31:10

them into ingots. John

1:31:13

Dravolta's like, thank you. It's

1:31:16

all tracks. But luckily,

1:31:18

their ship has infinity fuel, so they

1:31:20

go all the way to DC. Going

1:31:23

to Fort Knox wasn't far enough, so they go all the way to DC.

1:31:26

What a weird layover in Dallas. Thousand

1:31:30

year airport, somehow Hudson News is still open.

1:31:36

The light of Starbucks is still really long

1:31:38

for somebody to live. They

1:31:41

head over to the Library of Congress for some

1:31:43

maps. These maps are doing very well for being

1:31:45

a thousand years old. Then

1:31:47

they go to Fort Knox. I

1:31:52

know there's just this moment where I'm staring at

1:31:54

my camera. There's this moment where I'm staring at

1:31:56

my nose and going, was it really this fucking

1:31:58

dump? They're

1:32:01

like, alright, here's what we'll do. We'll fill

1:32:03

the cage all the way up and

1:32:05

we'll hide half the gold in the mountains

1:32:07

since he only wanted a half full cage.

1:32:09

Anyway, so they do that. Can

1:32:12

we have brought half... Shut up! Get her a fuck

1:32:14

out! So

1:32:16

then we get John Travolta checking in on

1:32:18

him two weeks later and he's like, here's

1:32:21

that half thing of gold

1:32:23

that you wanted. In ingus. In ingus!

1:32:25

He goes, why is it in bars?

1:32:28

And we're like, thank you! And the

1:32:30

camera goes like, does anybody have the

1:32:32

answer? And then Johnny

1:32:34

says, he's like, well, I didn't

1:32:37

think you'd want just ore. Because

1:32:40

you guys are so, you know, refined.

1:32:45

And that was clever wordplay with refined. Yeah, no it

1:32:47

was, it was. The movie didn't think of it. They

1:32:51

did not. Only know it did on that one.

1:32:53

Yeah, correct. So yeah, he's like, no, we smelted

1:32:55

it for you. And he's like, oh, well, if you smelt it,

1:32:57

but how? We

1:33:00

held a lighter under the ore for

1:33:02

a really long time. You'll notice there's

1:33:04

this giant spoon over here. As

1:33:09

you can see, A squared plus B squared

1:33:11

equals C squared plus smelting ingus

1:33:13

gold ingus. So

1:33:15

Travolta checks it with his gold ommeter though and

1:33:17

it is gold. That's

1:33:20

the best. And I never appreciate

1:33:22

how much fucking Star Trek makes

1:33:24

that look good until you see John Travolta

1:33:27

be like, yo,

1:33:29

that's gold. Fucking

1:33:33

gold right there. So

1:33:35

Travolta killed my son. There

1:33:41

was a whole fucking discussion. We had a

1:33:44

whole fucking discussion. I didn't do the whole

1:33:46

bit. I just said, I

1:33:49

didn't do the part. We said nothing.

1:33:51

No, originally there was a doll

1:33:54

for that. There was none of

1:33:56

the mimes. So I talk about

1:33:58

the phone. All right, all right.

1:34:02

So Eric Clapton killed his

1:34:04

kid. Okay. He

1:34:06

did. At two he's... All

1:34:09

right Morgan and I'll give you a clean

1:34:11

cut in two, three, one. So, so Travolta

1:34:16

comes in and he's like, he's like you have

1:34:18

seven days to finish all of the mining and

1:34:20

get me more gold ingots. So

1:34:23

now there is a real ticking clock going

1:34:25

on here. So

1:34:27

now the bad guys, the good guys are making their plans, right?

1:34:30

They're gonna blow up the dome so

1:34:32

that the aliens won't be able

1:34:35

to breathe. You know what we should

1:34:37

do? We should just fly to Manhattan, find that

1:34:39

project. You know, like we

1:34:41

did at Fort Knox, but with

1:34:43

a bomb. Right. And now we'll

1:34:45

have... And seriously though, that is

1:34:47

what they fucking do. Yes, yes.

1:34:50

So everybody fucking yells and dog noises in

1:34:52

agreement that that should be their plan, right?

1:34:54

You know what we should do is find

1:34:57

Ocean Gate, the company. And we should find

1:34:59

the perfect vehicle. So,

1:35:04

so they go to... To be clear, credit. To

1:35:07

be clear, what we establish here is

1:35:09

that the good guys' plan is we're

1:35:11

gonna genocide their planet first.

1:35:13

Right, right. Yeah, we're not there yet,

1:35:16

but yes. So, so

1:35:18

they go to Fort Hood, Texas to arm

1:35:20

up for their big Act III rebellion. Love

1:35:22

this. They're like, where do we get all

1:35:24

the genocide stuff? Probably Texas, right? Yeah, that's

1:35:26

right. That is correct. And we watch them

1:35:31

unveil the airplanes that they're gonna use.

1:35:33

And one of the guys goes, flying

1:35:36

spears. And I'm like, dude, you've

1:35:38

been mining for six fucking months.

1:35:41

Enough. Okay. Also,

1:35:45

spears, that's already a thing, right? They

1:35:47

already fly. The whole

1:35:49

big spears are crawling. I wanted

1:35:51

him to get an intervention. Hey,

1:35:53

Steve, everything's not a fucking spear,

1:35:56

okay? Yeah, yeah. So

1:35:59

now you... might be thinking to yourself,

1:36:01

wait, did Eli just imply

1:36:03

that they found airplanes, working airplanes?

1:36:07

Sure did. A thousand years

1:36:09

from now, unmaintained? We're

1:36:12

going to mine some oil and

1:36:15

refine it. And some

1:36:17

jet fuel? A

1:36:19

thousand year old jet fuel? And

1:36:22

you might be thinking, well, how in the world would

1:36:24

they know how to fly those carrier jets that are

1:36:26

doing just mine? Well, luckily, there's

1:36:29

a flight simulator. Yeah, that

1:36:32

is powered by electricity. With

1:36:35

electricity! Yeah, yup. Well,

1:36:37

okay, the Texas power grid. It

1:36:42

is notoriously robust. It is not. I

1:36:44

feel like it's fair to say that

1:36:47

it's improved with age like a fine

1:36:49

wine. One thousand years into

1:36:51

the future. I

1:36:54

felt so dumb because they first go into Fort

1:36:56

Hood and I'm like, the robber talks fires on

1:36:58

those APCs after a thousand years. And it was

1:37:00

like the Harrier jet still fly. Noah, calm the

1:37:02

fuck down. The fucking

1:37:04

peanuts are still good. They're

1:37:07

like, Mr. Peanut died. Do

1:37:11

you guys remember when they did that? They

1:37:13

were like, hey, what's a good way to get

1:37:16

people to eat peanuts? Let's fucking kill our man.

1:37:20

Oh, like you never wanted to kill me.

1:37:22

Like John Travolta's son. I

1:37:27

watched Noah fall for that. He was

1:37:29

like, oh, good, he's on me. Morgan.

1:37:33

No. Now,

1:37:35

of course, we should point out that the

1:37:37

cyclo home planet atmosphere will ignite

1:37:40

with a nuclear explosion. So that's

1:37:42

how they're going to, they're like, you know, oh,

1:37:44

if we kill all the cyclos with the dome,

1:37:46

they're going to just teleport in more cyclos. So

1:37:48

we need to zenicide their entire fucking planet with

1:37:50

a nuclear bomb. Luckily, they look

1:37:52

under N for nuclear bomb at Fort

1:37:54

Hood. Sure. And

1:37:57

they're like, oh, look. Nifty. I

1:38:00

love the self-sacrifice conversation they have here,

1:38:02

right? Because they've got the nuke, right? And

1:38:04

he's like, I'll teleport myself to the

1:38:06

planet and die for the cause. And

1:38:08

the other guy's like, no, let me do

1:38:10

it. And Johnny Goodboy Tyson is like,

1:38:13

OK. Yeah. That's

1:38:15

a good argument. I didn't think about it like

1:38:18

that. But you said they have the nuke. To

1:38:21

be clear, they have 1,000-year-old jets. And

1:38:26

they pull out a

1:38:29

loose handful of uranium from a

1:38:31

main rich jet. It's like a

1:38:33

pulse dispenser. They're just like, huh,

1:38:36

uranium. And then we'll send this to them. But here's

1:38:38

the other thing, too, is that we have established

1:38:41

that just uranium existing in their atmosphere is enough

1:38:43

to blow up their entire planet, right? No

1:38:45

one has to sacrifice themselves for this. They could

1:38:47

just put the uranium on the fucking teleporter and

1:38:49

be done with it. And they're still having this.

1:38:51

But I get to be the one that dies

1:38:53

heroically in Act 3, and I'm

1:38:55

like, damn it, fight! I

1:38:58

don't want to be assigned teleporter anymore. I feel like they

1:39:00

all had a meeting beforehand. And they were like, hey, I

1:39:02

bet we can get Frank to kill himself. Hear

1:39:05

me out. You know that remote-controlled nuclear bomb thing that

1:39:07

we're going to watch him use a remote with? What

1:39:10

if we just told him, Frank, you got to go,

1:39:13

buddy? Morgan,

1:39:15

you got to introduce us. Otherwise, they won't know

1:39:17

the show is starting. So

1:39:21

then we cut to both of them. He's

1:39:23

got his gold ink gets. He's packing

1:39:25

them to go. He's packing them in,

1:39:28

like, coffins, cyclo coffins. Yeah. Moving the

1:39:30

gold like the CIA sells heroin. Yeah.

1:39:32

Smart. Yeah, right? Very smart.

1:39:36

And then this is where Johnny approaches

1:39:38

Forrest Whiticoid and talks him

1:39:40

into turning on John Travoltoid,

1:39:43

right? He's, like, checking the

1:39:45

humans or whatever. And Johnny Goodboy. So

1:39:47

stupid. We're all the way through the whole entire show.

1:39:50

I still can't say it with a straight face. His

1:39:52

name is Johnny Goodboy. Goodboy shows up and he's like,

1:39:54

hey, you know, John Travolta's just going to screw you

1:39:56

over when this is all said and done.

1:39:58

And he's like, no, he would never. Oh

1:40:00

fuck. No, you're

1:40:03

right. He will. I was watching the

1:40:05

movie the whole time. He's been double-grussing

1:40:07

me constantly. Forrest, if you join our

1:40:09

side, the movie will be over. Yeah,

1:40:11

right, right. I'm in. So,

1:40:13

yeah, and he's like, I have, actually, the video

1:40:15

that John Travolta got earlier of him admitting that

1:40:17

the plan was really his. He's like, I've got

1:40:20

that video right here and I'll give it to

1:40:22

you if you join our side. And he's like,

1:40:24

you'll give it to me because I'm gonna shoot

1:40:26

you. And he's like, actually, we're gonna play a

1:40:28

complicated game of Keepaway. And he's like, fuck. Fuck,

1:40:31

there is no defense against Keepaway. I didn't

1:40:33

think of handing it to someone. Damn it.

1:40:37

Damn it. So he's like, I'll give it

1:40:40

to you but you have to let all the humans go

1:40:42

and take the next thing off of my girlfriend. And he's

1:40:44

like, well, that would defuse all the tension in the film.

1:40:46

He's like, meh. Alright.

1:40:49

Leverage, motherfucker. Right. Don't

1:40:52

worry, our dome's not even gonna be a dome. They're

1:40:54

not gonna overthink this part for us. You're

1:40:56

good. So later that evening we get Travolta,

1:40:58

and he comes in on Whitiquoid, like watching

1:41:01

the security footage, watching the video that he's

1:41:03

not supposed to have, you know, like, kind

1:41:05

of like, you know, showing off. He's got

1:41:08

his fucking Kerbango, you know. And

1:41:10

his giant straw. Giant straw, yeah.

1:41:14

It's just a drunk person with the

1:41:16

straw, like, hitting it in your eyeball.

1:41:19

He doesn't care. Chasing it with his tongue. Oh!

1:41:25

Eatin' maraschino cherries off of it. He's like,

1:41:27

I should just kill you for this, for

1:41:30

your impudence or whatever. And Forrest

1:41:32

Whitaker's like, you can't kill me, I made

1:41:34

a copy of this, and I gave

1:41:36

it to somebody that we both know, and he's

1:41:38

like, oh, the only other character that we both

1:41:40

know is the fucking bartender. And Forrest Whitaker's like, fuck.

1:41:44

And here is his head!

1:41:48

No, no. But literally that is what

1:41:50

happens. So let me tell you, let me

1:41:52

walk you through what John Travolta's day was like. Because he

1:41:54

didn't come in with a bag! It was a weird day.

1:41:57

So he went and he was like, hey bartender, come here

1:41:59

a second. Cut his

1:42:01

head off put it inside his

1:42:03

fucking duvet carry it home, right?

1:42:06

Everyone was like what's that? He was like nothing Then

1:42:11

left his apartment was like oh Hello

1:42:15

forest winner girl. You're here. Hey,

1:42:17

I'm sitting in that chair over

1:42:20

there I would prefer to

1:42:22

sit in this chair. I really need to get to the

1:42:24

duty to sit over there for something bartender head Ah What

1:42:28

if he hadn't double crossed him right? He

1:42:30

would have had to improvise him in like

1:42:32

oh, you're loyal Well as a gift it

1:42:34

smells weird here. I got you. What did

1:42:37

you get me? You had

1:42:39

it ready bartender head? Thank you

1:42:41

top of hearing opportunities So

1:42:50

John Travolta it shoots his hand off and

1:42:52

vengeance I actually I think that's just Boris

1:42:54

Whitaker said I'm not wearing this fucking glove.

1:42:56

Yeah He

1:42:59

looks mildly annoyed So then

1:43:01

the guards come in that morning they find that

1:43:03

all the humans have escaped in the night, right?

1:43:06

So they're looking for the humans Johnny and his

1:43:08

operatives are now at the landing zone trying to

1:43:10

enact the big plan We're getting into the you

1:43:12

know big act three action sequence now You

1:43:15

can tell because the only good

1:43:17

guy of color gets shot at this point and

1:43:19

killed Rough yeah,

1:43:21

like none of you should have dreadlocks.

1:43:23

I'm dead. Yeah this

1:43:26

is problem a And

1:43:29

apparently part of the plan here is for

1:43:31

the humans that have escaped to instead

1:43:33

of like leaving Run around

1:43:35

breaking windows and just causing

1:43:37

trouble in general and Tifa

1:43:40

Yeah So

1:43:44

they're breaking the windows the bad guys are

1:43:46

coming for Johnny Johnny runs towards them he

1:43:48

uses the old I'm gonna run at you

1:43:50

in slow motion. You're gonna miss because I

1:43:52

have plot armor technique. Yeah, it's so long

1:43:55

It's like a good I'm gonna say four

1:43:57

minutes of this forever. It's slow-mo shot. It

1:43:59

was just bad guys

1:44:01

miss four minutes like yeah like

1:44:03

the Bugs Bunny slow pitch yeah

1:44:06

strike out yes like 20 more

1:44:08

people yeah and the perfect game

1:44:10

flash cut to storm troopers watching

1:44:13

the movie those guys fucking suck

1:44:15

no right name your fucking gun

1:44:17

so then then we cut to

1:44:20

you can crawl then

1:44:22

we cut to I shit you not

1:44:24

to Harrier jet hiding

1:44:30

go be very very

1:44:32

quiet yeah they're floating

1:44:34

hiding inside a bombed-out

1:44:38

building waiting for the bad guys to come

1:44:40

by so they can slide in behind them

1:44:44

now you might as well be reading

1:44:46

a newspaper like so silly yeah now

1:44:48

I was worried about those jets but

1:44:50

they were whistling loudly as we came

1:44:53

by I think we're

1:44:55

okay now and I have

1:44:57

to say it is very difficult

1:44:59

to make Harrier jet versus spaceships

1:45:02

over a ruined city boring but

1:45:05

this movie is up to the

1:45:07

fuck you not underestimate so

1:45:11

they start biting a bit the Harrier jet

1:45:13

that runs out of missiles we know because

1:45:15

the button that says no I feel like

1:45:17

you have a

1:45:20

shorter term for that right so the pilot

1:45:22

doesn't have to read no

1:45:25

no you know Craig we are

1:45:27

currently out of missiles along this

1:45:29

particular jet plane continue

1:45:32

you have to write you want more jet

1:45:34

plane missiles I'm not Craig I traded all

1:45:36

right but no I get it no I

1:45:38

get it why would they

1:45:40

have there's six missiles what you

1:45:42

couldn't find for okay yeah right like

1:45:45

an on-air sir and then the guy

1:45:47

he crashes he's like oh I don't

1:45:49

have any more missiles I'll just crash

1:45:51

my plane into the space he jumps

1:45:53

out with GI Joe cartoon style though

1:45:55

oh this is the that he rams

1:45:58

he rams the bad guy with

1:46:00

his jet from behind, but he

1:46:02

does like a tuck and roll out of his jet. Yes,

1:46:04

exactly. Just in time. He's

1:46:07

somehow under a desk. He's

1:46:09

fine. So

1:46:12

meanwhile, Suicide Frank is going to

1:46:14

teleporter away. Johnny has to break in and

1:46:17

run the teleporter computers in order for this

1:46:19

to work, right? So he's almost done it,

1:46:21

but just as he's about to hit the

1:46:24

make it happen button, John Travolta comes in

1:46:26

and he shuts it down. Right?

1:46:31

Right? The tension is

1:46:33

so thick, he might as

1:46:35

well enter the scene with the movie's not

1:46:37

over yet. Yeah, right.

1:46:40

Right. I cut off that

1:46:42

guy's head. It's in a different room. It comes

1:46:44

in other room with me. I

1:46:46

thought you would triple cross me elsewhere.

1:46:50

Just sit there. So

1:46:52

then they blow the dome, right? They blow

1:46:55

the dome, they have the big explosion. The

1:46:57

dome doesn't quite explode though. It cracks, but

1:46:59

it doesn't fall. And we know this because

1:47:03

random people in the crowd yell out,

1:47:05

I shit you not, it's

1:47:07

cracking, but it's not falling.

1:47:12

You know how what was missing from Independence

1:47:14

Day was that guy being like, honey, I'm

1:47:16

home. And then being like, did

1:47:18

not quite do it. Ah,

1:47:23

nuts. I love

1:47:25

it. It was, they were kind of mad.

1:47:27

This dome is very well built. It was like the

1:47:30

guy trying to rip the antifa sign

1:47:32

and be like, it's really hard to

1:47:34

get it started to rip it. Hurts

1:47:40

my hand on the side. I cut it. Not

1:47:42

enough action movies have the stakes of

1:47:44

that needs a nudge. Yeah. Well,

1:47:47

right. And then, but it actually needs a

1:47:49

double nudge, right? Because Carlo, remember Carlo? Right.

1:47:53

Yeah. Right. And

1:47:55

the people who we care deeply about is like, I

1:47:57

will sacrifice myself and run into the dome. into

1:48:00

the dome. Still nothing happens. I wanted him to be

1:48:02

dead so bad he wasn't. But

1:48:06

it turns out that the airplane he was

1:48:08

in is filled with explosives and he just

1:48:11

noticed that. It's

1:48:13

usually the kind of thing you'd check for and so

1:48:16

he shoots, he has to shoot the explosives, but

1:48:18

this movie is so poorly blocked that they're on

1:48:20

the wrong side of him? Yeah, so

1:48:22

he has to do it like an awkward

1:48:24

crocanole shot. He's going to be like, okay,

1:48:26

lean. All right. One

1:48:28

of the things he's going to be he's and

1:48:31

get into his Ryan air seat and

1:48:34

then shoot a bazooka the other

1:48:36

back way. Fuck. I have

1:48:39

a cramp. Why

1:48:42

didn't I buy the more space? While

1:48:45

he's trying to do that, we cut down to where

1:48:47

the humans are. Chris, he is leading the human rebellion

1:48:49

because she's the only other named character and

1:48:52

we get this random guy in the back.

1:48:54

The humans are losing now, right? Because the

1:48:56

dome hasn't fallen there at the lowest point.

1:48:58

And there's this guy in the background that

1:49:00

shouts out, they're killing us. Who

1:49:07

are you talking to, bro? I wanted one

1:49:09

of the other humans to be like, we

1:49:11

know, Alan. Fuck.

1:49:16

Another one further away. Sorry, what? What were you

1:49:18

guys talking about? What did

1:49:20

he say? Alan just said they're killing

1:49:23

us. Who's killing us? The aliens. The

1:49:25

bad guys in our movie. Yeah, we're

1:49:27

losing. I know,

1:49:29

right? We're like losing

1:49:31

the movie. And

1:49:35

then another he goes, we're not gonna

1:49:37

make it. It's

1:49:41

like, well, not negative Nancy over here is not going

1:49:43

to make it. Well,

1:49:45

I want one power of positive thinking human