RESOLVING CONFLICT REQUIRES SKILL

In our last session we talked about avoiding, or minimising, conflict by building goodwill in the relationship.  But let’s say you have an explosive conflict.  What do you do then?

Learning the skills to successfully negotiate conflict is a lifelong, growing process, but it is well worth the investment.

Determine what, how and when something should be said.

THE WHAT AND THE HOW

1. Pray – Ask God to go before you to help resolve the conflict.
2. Make ‘I’ statements vs ‘you’ statements. – ‘I’ statements lower the temperature of a conflict by stating the behaviour without blaming the person.  It states how you feel about the behaviour and how it affects you.  “I feel very anxious because we may not have enough money at the end of the month to make our car payment.  Can we sit together and discuss our budget?” versus, “You always overspend and now we won’t have enough money to make our car payment.”  When ‘I’ statements are used, it identifies the issue as the issue without making the other person defensive so together you can work to solve the problem (behaviour) without the emotions of blame and guilt.
3. Ask clarifying questions before making assumptions. This is huge!  “What I hear you saying is ________.  Is that correct?”   Asking clarifying questions helps us be sure we have the correct information and not just interpreting what the other has said or done through our own worldview.  It saves us reacting to something that wasn’t really said or meant.

THE WHEN

1. H.A.L.T. Avoid times when either party is Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
2. Check that you are approaching the conflict with a heart to reconcile.
3. Look for a creative alternative – that win/win solution.
4. Be proactive. Use non-conflict time to discuss how you will handle conflict when it happens.

Learning the skills to successfully negotiate conflict is a lifelong, growing process, but it is well worth the investment.