A very wise colleague, who came to government service after a number of years in the private sector, once told me that in her experience, two-career marriages often feel the strain of one partner being up and one partner being down at work. She laughed that it never felt as though these highs and lows lined up and so that it was always hard emotionally because one person feels like a downer while the other is trying not to rub it in. The roles will switch, but it just puts a damper on things.

Relationships are living, breathing, evolving organisms. The one thing that is never true? They are never static. There is always change, always movement. You can try to stay the same, but that big world all around you isn’t going to be so accommodating. 

This is a gentle way of saying—if you really think things are good, then great, just don’t get lazy and complacent!

Of course, we’re having this conversation because life is hard, and especially so as working parents who are constantly tired and stressed and under a truly absurd number of expectations pending others’ judgments. I sincerely doubt that most people are 100 percent thrilled with all aspect of their lives and relationships.

Two keys here. Can’t stress them enough.

As in, people get divorced over this stuff.

All the time.

Number one – You and your partner need to be aware of the state of your relationship. Preferable if you agree on said state but enough if you’re just tracking on what each person’s perception is.

Number two – You and your partner need to be genuinely good with where you see your relationship. Possible that you can perceive yourselves to be in different places and each be good with that, but tricky. 

If either you or your partner isn’t good with where you two are, you need to find a way to get good, together. How is an entirely individual couple thing. 

To be truly happy and productive and healthy as a couple and as a family, you need a shared vision. That might have felt like serendipitous coincidence when you first met and started dating, but over time, especially when you’re not actively confronting a major life choice like whether to have kids or not or where to buy a house, it is easy to drift or drift apart.

Day-to-day, what does it look like to protect the unit?  It looks like whatever you and your partner need it to, each and every day.

Make an intention to say or do one loving thing each day. Involve one or more of the kids in such a thing once a week.

Plan something you want to do together at least once a week. Emphasis on “want to do.” Could be coffee or lunch in the middle of a work day. Could be a bath with candles after the kids are in bed.

At least once a month, get a blessed babysitter, go out, and have fun. Alternate who does the planning, and see how long you can go before doing the same thing twice.

Agree that one vacation a year can be just the two of you.

Dream up a one year goal and a five year goal. Think major vacation, kitchen or basement remodel, dream house, taking up a new hobby together like horseback riding or skydiving. Whatever it is, it needs to be something you are both excited about.

How do you know you’re on the right track?

The vast majority of the time, are you looking forward to seeing and speaking with your partner? Do you miss them when they are gone for a couple of days?

Do you regularly have things you are looking forward to doing together?

Do you talk about the future with excitement?

If you looked at your relationship through the eyes of your kids, what would you see, and is that what you want them to aspire to?

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