0:00

I don't get the black

0:03

titanium ring. You

0:07

wanna feel like a man. You know what I mean?

0:09

What is this good thing? They were my rings made

0:12

out of the steel

0:14

Chernobyl. But

0:16

you just wanna have to wear jewelry. Yeah, yeah,

0:19

I'm not gay. I'm not gay,

0:21

it's titanium. Bap, bap, bap. Rolling,

0:23

do we start? Are we just like hopping right

0:25

in? You wanna hop in, what do you wanna

0:27

do? I wanna hop in because I am just

0:29

fascinated by the self-tanner situation you pointed out earlier.

0:32

Yeah, I've got Michael Jackson syndrome. That's

0:35

unfortunate. It's okay, I've had a snows for

0:37

a while now. Is

0:40

that what people say? I have

0:42

crooked nostrils. Oh,

0:45

I have a fun party trick. Oh, tell me. Watch this.

0:48

Oh wait, hold on. Wait, wait,

0:51

wait. You do two. You

0:54

don't have to do one side. Sisters, yeah.

0:56

What is that about? Mine was drug-induced.

0:59

Voldemort. That's

1:02

pretty insane. Is this how I have

1:04

a new OnlyFans angle here? That's pretty

1:06

sick, honestly. I think people wanna see

1:08

that. You should, can most people not

1:10

do that? Can

1:12

most people not do that? I

1:15

didn't. I don't believe so. I

1:17

did get, okay, so when

1:19

I first was on TV, I was

1:21

told that I didn't get a nose job, couldn't afford to

1:23

get a nose job. Someone told you that? Also

1:26

didn't really wanna get a nose job, I just have crooked

1:29

nostrils, which again, the face

1:31

is a delicate, whack-a-mole

1:34

of asymmetry that makes it

1:36

look symmetrical. So you know

1:38

when you see someone that straightens something out, and then all of

1:40

a sudden their face looks crooked? You're like,

1:43

no, you wanna go back to the bus

1:45

with a nose that made more sense. God

1:47

knew what to do. Yeah, exactly. For

1:50

which maybe he may be real or not. Oh,

1:53

sorry, she. I sure, Ariana

1:56

said she was a woman, so I don't know.

1:58

A lot of times when women start... newly

2:00

being famous and making money, they started calling God a

2:02

she and saying, herstory. So I don't know if maybe

2:04

you're in that. No, no, I'm not. I'm not telling

2:06

my soul just yet. I'm sticking

2:08

to what I know here. And so I didn't want to

2:10

get a note job. And then I went to this doctor

2:12

and they're like, Oh, we could just put filler in the

2:15

side of your nose. Okay. And

2:17

I was like, okay, yeah, but put the concrete,

2:19

the grout or the clock or whatever was going

2:22

on in this fucking baby blood. I don't know

2:24

what goes on in Hollywood, but straighten it out.

2:27

And then it's not

2:29

good. I don't see. I

2:31

don't see. I think it looks like

2:34

a perfectly dissolved. And now it's a little bit.

2:36

Reddit would disagree, but thank you. That's

2:39

the hell on earth. Can't

2:41

you read a problem? Okay. Reddit

2:43

can be very mean, but it only hurts

2:46

the most when it's exactly right. Yeah.

2:49

I know. They know exactly what's going on. I

2:51

have to try every now and then. I'm like,

2:53

that is a good point. I'm overpaying my therapist.

2:56

Yeah. They just pointed

2:58

out and then you're like, yeah, no, you're right. And maybe I should do

3:00

something about it. But tell me, you've been going to all kinds

3:02

of events for the Netflix festival. Yeah. It

3:04

went for the tandem up, huh? Yeah. I

3:07

mean, they really threw us a lot of tickets. We were supposed

3:09

to. So we came here to interview Tom Brady. Okay.

3:12

So we're from Boston. That's a huge deal to us.

3:14

I brought my mother. She thinks he's God. That

3:17

is the real God. Yeah. And

3:19

yeah, we did. We, he walked right past us. We

3:22

told a lot of people to, so it's like

3:24

really embarrassing. Wait, wait, wait. I actually forgot.

3:26

I like, I didn't put this together.

3:30

So was there, was it scheduled and he blew you

3:32

off or you were just going to try it? It

3:34

was on the carpet. So it's like he picked and

3:36

choose who we went to. And of course you went

3:39

to the fucking kids. I'm already in YouTube jail. I'm

3:41

in TikTok jail for saying the Disney castles are shaped

3:43

like dicks, but I just, can we, really?

3:46

That's what's getting them upset. Yeah. You

3:48

can't say that. You can't say that. Is

3:50

that a Disney pause? I don't. It's

3:53

a Disney. Caught you about Scientology or

3:55

Disney. The shit's just gone and all of a sudden

3:57

my shit has like four views. She going to talk

3:59

about. I don't know. It's

4:01

about like, okay. And also it's

4:04

like, I'm not, I don't think Disney

4:06

made their castles look like dicks. I

4:08

think the animators thought it'd be funny to slide

4:10

that in because you guys weren't paying them enough. So I'm

4:12

not saying that you guys are perverts.

4:14

I'm saying that you're bad to your employees. And they couldn't

4:16

get a job at Nickelodeon. So that's what they had to

4:19

do. That's right. Because they weren't pervy

4:21

enough to work in Nickelodeon. Why

4:23

are kids anywhere near comedians? Why do we

4:26

have kids on a red carpet? I mean,

4:28

I will say it's adorable, but now I'm

4:30

seeing your point. This is fucked up. What

4:32

are we doing? Yeah. Okay.

4:35

Okay. We just went through the iCarly

4:37

documentary in 10 years. So Tom Brady roast documentary.

4:39

I'm glad I didn't go. Yeah.

4:42

No. Yeah. I'm not

4:44

a part of it. Yeah. No, you

4:47

don't want to touch that. And kids, I don't need

4:49

to see the present day Shirley Temple on a red

4:51

carpet interviewing a grown man. Yeah. No. Yeah.

4:55

This is, this is not a great look. Talk to the

4:57

adult. Talk to the adult. Yeah. I know.

5:00

Yeah. Kids shouldn't be on camera. He went

5:02

right to the kid. I will say he went right to the

5:04

kid. This is not because I'm secretly jealous and feel competitive and

5:06

don't want people younger than me on camera. Okay. I

5:08

mean, this is too young. I care about

5:10

kids. Yeah. I

5:12

really care about. Yeah. I mean, you got one

5:14

of your own. And what about us? Yeah.

5:16

What about the adults? We're actually working hard here.

5:18

What are they getting paid half? Jesus Christ. That

5:20

is, I just figured there's something spooky about it.

5:23

Yeah. Now that is kind of weird. I

5:25

think they have a squeaky clean operation. I will say the guy, the guy who

5:27

runs it's really weird. It's a nice guy. Yeah.

5:29

But that's the thing. If you were a creep, wouldn't

5:31

you be a nice guy? Oh,

5:35

I need to get bamboozled at any point

5:38

of life. We all have. Yeah. We

5:40

all have. I'm literally just with what's happened in the haunted

5:43

house of our life in the past 10 years when

5:45

you find out that like everyone you love is

5:47

a pedophile. I'm now like the more I like

5:49

someone, the cooler they seem. I'm

5:51

like, I don't know, man, what are you hiding? We just

5:53

lost Diddy. That's a big one for you. That was a big

5:55

one for me. I

5:58

mean, that was our Kelly. hurt bad enough. Okay.

6:02

Ray J is making a comeback. You see that Ray J? Oh,

6:05

is he? Yeah, he never left for me.

6:07

He never left. Never left. Did he do

6:09

anything wrong? I don't think so. Because he

6:12

just like leaked that nude that you wanted

6:14

to leak. But with Kim Kardashian? Yeah. He

6:16

helped build a feminist business. She's a billionaire.

6:18

He helped her build her platform. Do you

6:20

know what I mean? Without Ray J. No

6:22

Kim K. Wait, thank you. There it

6:24

is. Put it on a t-shirt. Handled it. You know

6:26

what I'm saying? No problem. Thank you for standing behind a great

6:29

woman. That's what you did. And that

6:31

adversity makes you stronger. And he provided that adversity.

6:33

Absolutely. Can someone please make a release of news

6:35

of me without my consent so that I can

6:37

have a spandex business? Yeah, right. I know how

6:39

to make jumpsuits. Like what the fuck? I could

6:42

make a I could make a good gene. I

6:44

have some notes on genes. I would like to

6:46

make my own line of genes. Oh, yeah. Even

6:48

good American. There's never good genes. It

6:51

always hurts. Every pair of genes hurts my feelings. Mm hmm.

6:53

I'm always like, is this wrong? Is my camel toe

6:55

too big? Is my butt too small? Is my like

6:58

my leg is too long. My legs too short. What

7:01

is bad? It's bad news. This. Okay. Sorry. I digress. No,

7:03

I got off in the wrong with the children just threw

7:05

me. Would you have a pimp your kid out? Or

7:10

not not to not the way a

7:12

lot of stage moms have been. Okay.

7:14

So what house would you know?

7:16

Like, not

7:18

in the sense of like, I'm not putting on

7:21

red carpet to flirt with athletes. Yeah.

7:24

Okay. Look, I

7:27

mean, they go right to them. We'll see

7:29

what Pampers comes back with. Okay. No, we'll

7:31

see what Johnson Johnson comes back with. Pampers

7:33

leads to Victoria's Secret. I'm just saying. It's

7:38

kind of a nice. I'm just saying, can

7:40

we do a remix? I mean, that's the it

7:42

is. I'm so glad I had

7:45

a boy because all my friends who had girls, they're

7:47

all in like bikinis and cowboy boots. I'm like, I

7:49

don't know, guys. We did the Jamba Nate Ramsey thing.

7:51

We learned nothing from this. Oh,

7:54

God. It's horrifying. So anyway, you got snubbed

7:56

for some toddlers. Yes. So for some toddlers.

7:59

So, you know, know, the whole trip out

8:01

here was kind of worthless until

8:03

now. How old are you? It's

8:06

never gonna end. It's never

8:08

gonna end. You're too old. And

8:11

25. She's too old to be

8:13

on camera with Tom Brady. They went with the

8:15

six year old. That's tough because I just thought

8:17

I was getting going. That

8:22

whole thing for a minute, we like we

8:24

were like into women getting older in this

8:27

business and hearing different stories. Now 25, you're

8:29

out to pasture. Six year olds are

8:33

the ones that are getting all the attention. I

8:35

don't blame them. Yeah, you're too old for the

8:37

business. You're gonna have to retire. That's fair. You

8:39

had a good run. It was fun. But lasted

8:41

for a quick bit. When he walked past you,

8:44

were you like, that looks like how humans behave?

8:46

No, he's an absolute robot. And

8:49

he's no longer the goat in my eyes.

8:51

Did that moment do it? Yeah,

8:54

yeah. Can I tell

8:56

you something? I

8:58

actually know that we're joking, but I know

9:00

this is hard. This is tough. You

9:02

like lost one of your heroes last night. Yeah,

9:05

I really did. Like, he

9:07

raised me. He was more around

9:09

than my father. Okay,

9:13

Brady. So do you think he

9:15

saw you knew who you guys were? No shot.

9:17

He knew who we were. He

9:20

lives in a stratosphere that does not

9:22

even touch where we come from. But

9:24

he should have. I mean, he should have if

9:26

anyone would have respect. But also, this is what

9:29

pisses me off. It's like when you see celebrities

9:31

that won't take pictures with their fans and stuff,

9:33

and you're like, how do you think you got

9:35

fame? This person is your boss. This person is

9:37

why you get to be here. This is and

9:41

anyone on that red card, you knew you were

9:43

doing the roast, Tommy. Yeah, you knew your anyone

9:45

on that conversation deserves your time. You're getting Netflix

9:47

is paying you God knows how much get there

9:50

a little bit early. Do the

9:52

whatever combo of Adderall and fentanyl and

9:54

cortisol and all this. No, it's nice.

9:56

We could clean up. I don't buy

9:58

that for one second. When

10:00

he threw that computer how fast it went through

10:02

the air? Your

10:04

mind I don't buy

10:06

that for one second. No one

10:08

is squeaky clean I know he

10:10

needs WD-40 because he's fucking robot

10:13

I know cuz I I saw him at something once and

10:15

I was just like I was like, I

10:17

don't know Snap him out of it. Yeah

10:21

You can't be to be that good, huh? But

10:24

it's tricky. It's it's I remember when I

10:26

found out that Michael Jordan had his dad

10:28

killed and Pardon Excuse

10:32

me didn't catch that one yet But

10:37

like no it's like when one when you lose

10:39

a hero No, the Michael Jordan

10:41

thing, I don't know his dad died

10:43

because he has like some gambling debt or something Pat Can

10:45

you look that up? But just make sure that's not complete

10:48

blasphemy He was murdered on the side of the road

10:50

while he was taking a nap in his car But

10:52

there was something to do with the gambling debts or

10:54

something Although I would love nothing

10:56

more than to be sued by Michael Jordan I'm

10:59

just that's what it takes for me at this point to get

11:01

a thrill. Hey, not your shadow You know

11:03

like the Tiger Woods when you're like,

11:06

it's just there's something kind of there's no heroes

11:08

anymore There really is there's no there's no more

11:10

heroes and that's fine and don't meet your heroes.

11:13

Don't don't worry you won't yet So you guys

11:16

like with our publicist trying to make

11:18

it happen Publicist

11:26

was like, yeah, no, we'll try we'll try and they

11:28

just shot it down. It is what it is We

11:30

got we got some good guys though. Got Dana white

11:33

great He's he's

11:35

our uncle at this point. I thought he

11:37

was hilarious. He he's my guy. He rocks. We

11:40

love Dana Yeah, Dana's good guy. We love Dana.

11:42

Yeah, he was funny. Yeah, he was he was

11:44

really So he kept going up to everyone on

11:46

the carpet saying I've gone a bomb. I've gone

11:48

a bomb sure and I

11:51

don't I don't think no, he was funny. Yeah, it's

11:53

not like I only have a minute or something Yeah, you guys

11:55

are too liberal for me. My name's Dana. How much more trans

11:57

can I get? Yeah Good

12:00

guy knows how to put on a good show

12:02

he knows how to have naked men and spandex grapple

12:04

with each other Yeah, I think our Barnum and Bailey.

12:07

Yeah, you know, he's a showman. Yeah, great showman. I

12:09

mean that's data for you Okay, we had with Dana

12:11

he ended up he came up to us and he's

12:13

like, I love you girls Oh shit, love love

12:15

to go to McGregor soon, please. Yeah, let's go.

12:17

Yeah And then we had

12:20

Gronk he's too. He's too dumb. He's just

12:22

far too dumb. He's actually my day

12:24

save retarded. Okay Yeah, he's like

12:26

full-blown my day full-blown these

12:28

full-blown retarded She's a

12:30

poor bastard Crazy. He

12:33

did say that we could have a threesome.

12:35

I mean a five some Oh, yeah me

12:38

Brie Gronk Ben

12:40

Affleck Matt Damon Okay,

12:42

like like like Duncan those

12:44

donuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Speaking

12:46

of Ben Affleck. He's got an agenda. There's

12:49

something wrong there. I can't

12:51

defend him So what do you

12:53

want? What now? Okay, so Ben Affleck came

12:55

out at the roast and

12:57

just started Slinging off

13:00

like, you know, you really shouldn't like

13:02

you really shouldn't give people a hard time on the internet

13:04

You know and Brady gets it all the

13:06

time and like a lot of people get it all the

13:08

time And you really shouldn't do that to people lecturing

13:10

just the camera. Yeah, you

13:13

guys out there talking shit All

13:15

right behind your fucking keyboard. That doesn't make you a

13:17

fan that makes you a bitch

13:24

Oh So I think he's speaking

13:26

on JLo's behalf maybe for that one

13:29

Well the meme of him outside

13:31

of a building smoking and inhaling

13:33

like hot has become the universal

13:36

Sign of like misery. Yeah,

13:38

he's become like The

13:41

icon for man in a miserable

13:43

marriage out goes you or in great. I'm

13:45

not fuck. Yeah Yeah, like he the guy's

13:47

hanging by a thread. Yeah, his

13:49

wife will not stop like she won't she

13:51

won't take a week off Like she won't

13:54

she just she's just a girlfriend. Well, but

13:56

she can't you ever see those people and

13:59

I'm fasted because you're getting so successful and stuff now.

14:01

You see those people and I'm just like, what's

14:03

it gonna take? Like I hope

14:05

that I, do you have a number? Like

14:07

a number of shows,

14:09

yours is the Super Bowl. You're gonna do the half time

14:11

at the Super Bowl. After you do the half time at

14:13

the Super Bowl, as a stand up, you're gonna, you know

14:16

what? I'm good. Yeah,

14:18

yeah. Everything from here is icing on the cake.

14:20

Yes. I'm gonna go to the Bahamas. Oh my

14:22

God. I'm gonna take my mom, I met your

14:24

mom. Oh yeah. She seems like a Pensacola kinda

14:26

like gal. She's frickin' rock. She's gonna take her

14:28

to Fort Lauderdale. Absolutely. You're gonna go to seeing

14:30

your frogs, you're gonna enjoy your life. And then

14:32

I see these people like Jennifer Lopez and I'm

14:34

like, can you, I

14:37

mean Ben Affleck is like, can we just go

14:39

to Bora Bora? You're shooting another documentary about how

14:41

hard it is to be

14:43

JLo? Quite literally. Yeah. And

14:45

he has to produce it and he's like, do I have to? Every morning, 4 a.m.

14:48

she's up. Just there's lights in their face.

14:50

They're shooting a documentary about how hard it

14:52

is to be them on Star Island, on

14:54

a giant mansion. Hair,

14:56

makeup, he's like, God damn it. I

14:59

can't even, I can't even. She has something weird,

15:01

she's talking absolute nonsense. She's going from tanning bed

15:03

to tanning bed. He's like, I can't even get

15:05

sex with my own wife. She's just all, like,

15:07

she's a leather girl. What's it gonna take? What's

15:10

it gonna take? I know the poor thing, she's

15:12

just too hungry. Bless her heart. Yeah, bless her

15:14

heart. I like when someone goes away for a

15:16

while. Yeah. And then they'll have a

15:18

good rebound. Makes me miss him. Yeah. So

15:21

I think he's kinda like, oh, JLo's one of the

15:23

most famous people in the world. We're gonna rekindle our

15:25

thing and we're gonna go away for a while. Cause

15:27

everyone's sick of both of us. And she was like,

15:29

nah, nah, sweetheart. No shot. No, no. Like,

15:31

like. Like. Like. Like.

15:34

And now Tom Brady is just like having a

15:36

meltdown. Oh, sorry. Ben Affleck is

15:39

just having a very public meltdown on live

15:41

TV. Screaming, screaming for help. Buddy. Yeah, the

15:43

poor Vash is. Is it's dragon tattoo on

15:45

his back real? That's an absolute, yeah. Yeah.

15:50

We knew, I feel like we knew. Yeah. When

15:53

that guy, when that

15:55

guy pulls in Amy Winehouse, we're

15:57

gonna go. Ah, yeah. I mean. It's

16:00

just disheartening for this reason alone.

16:03

He's that guy for me. He's that

16:06

and he's, you know, having a heart attack. But

16:09

like, do you? But

16:12

like, I just, what is, he's directing

16:14

movies. Yeah. How are

16:16

we gonna make sure that we're gonna live

16:19

our dreams and stay mentally

16:21

healthy? No shot. Not a shot

16:23

in health. It doesn't seem like that's something that you can do.

16:25

Well, here's the thing. Everyone's like, do you have postpartum

16:27

depression? The answer is of course I do. But

16:30

the good news is I had prepartum depression. So

16:32

it has been, I've just been like sliding

16:34

into firsts. Okay. So if

16:36

you already start out kind of unwell,

16:40

and then you get successful and famous, it kind of is

16:42

just like a better version of it. I think a lot

16:44

of these people, things were too

16:46

good. Before. I think they were

16:48

loved. I don't know what it was. Yeah.

16:51

And then they just got too much and it just got

16:53

too good. Getting rich

16:55

and famous is hard on you. Like

16:57

I just don't buy it. Everybody wants

16:59

to hear it either. I don't buy

17:01

it. It's like fuck off. Why? Like

17:04

too many people knew you at the

17:06

private airport today. Like what's your problem?

17:08

Oh my God. Grow up. You

17:10

can't handle a negative comment on social

17:12

media. That means you weren't punched in

17:14

the face when you

17:16

were in kindergarten. Yeah. But

17:19

you weren't bullied enough. No, he wasn't. And

17:21

he definitely wasn't. Him personally

17:23

because he did theater and

17:26

he was cool for it. Makes me think

17:28

he was a bully. Yeah. Makes me

17:30

think you were bullied because if you were, my last name

17:33

is Cummings. I got my fair share of

17:35

bullying. I'm sure, you know, we

17:37

got bullied. So by the time I get

17:39

to some negative comments, I'm not like hurt

17:41

by some 13 year old telling me he

17:43

doesn't want to fuck me. I'll survive. Yeah. I

17:47

mean, it's crazy. Huh? It's

17:49

crazy. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I'm

17:52

right there with you. I'm just thinking of comments

17:54

I've gotten just today even. And I'm like, yeah,

17:56

they definitely hurt. Yeah. Comments definitely

17:58

hurt. Yeah. Yeah, totally. It's just

18:00

in the back of my head. And then where, I

18:03

mean, what's the comment that hurts her? A

18:06

negative comment on her. Can I read

18:08

one I replied to today? Sure. Okay.

18:11

Oh, I love it from the edge of my seat. It's beautiful. So

18:14

I do work at Barstool and

18:16

they have these people who are diehard. They

18:18

follow everything. They're called stoolies. Okay. And

18:21

so it's like this whole other world within Barstool

18:23

of the fans from Barstool. Okay. And

18:26

one of the stoolies so gracefully said to

18:28

me today. Quick. Is

18:30

this Instagram? TikTok. Twitter. Twitter.

18:34

Okay. On Instagram, you can actually auto block comments if

18:36

they have certain words in them. Have they ever done that? Oh,

18:38

that's a good idea. And the words you put

18:40

in will tell you everything you need to know about yourself.

18:42

It just turns into a little suicide note. Yeah. Yeah.

18:46

I can only match it. So I was like, I

18:48

put it, it was like,

18:50

poor, busted, the phrase,

18:52

not funny. Like, that's all

18:54

bad shit. Yeah. Yeah.

18:58

And then I put in, I put in other

19:00

comics. So you're like a dollar

19:02

store version of Chelsea or whatever. Like I just put

19:04

in other person and then I'm kind of like, my

19:06

comments are so nice. I'm like, Oh no, I forgot that

19:08

I auto blocked. But are you happier? Is

19:14

there a noticeable difference? Yeah, I think so.

19:16

I think, well, here's the thing. I caught

19:18

myself then going, well, those are

19:20

all gone. The nasty, nasty ones. And then

19:22

if someone's like, you know, said something

19:24

that doesn't have one of those words, I'm like, that hurt. And

19:26

I'm like, you don't get to do that. You don't get to

19:28

have your feelings hurt by freaking everything. Yeah. At

19:31

least people know, you know what I mean? The fact that

19:33

anyone even knows who I am enough to go on and

19:35

say they don't like me is a win. It's

19:37

got a good head on your shoulders. I'm

19:39

sure, dude. I really do. If you,

19:42

if I told you five years ago, you're

19:44

going to be rich, you're going to be famous, you're

19:46

going to get paid to do comedy every now and

19:48

then. Some incel

19:51

is going to say something negative about you. Yeah.

19:54

Are you in or are you out? I'm in. Small

19:56

price to pay. And I'll take. more

20:00

and more comments if that's the case. And also, here's

20:03

the thing. My inner

20:05

monologue about myself is so much worse

20:07

than what any of you hobos

20:10

say about me that I'm kinda like- Hobos. You

20:14

fucking gotham. Got

20:16

your ass fucking hobos. You

20:20

fucking tell him Whitney. I love

20:22

just like a norm court insult like,

20:25

oh really, you think I'm a cop? Well, you're a bum. You're

20:28

a bum. You're

20:30

not a great time to hang out with. You

20:32

know what you are, you're a drip. Oh. Fuckin'

20:35

you man. Like just what is a drip?

20:37

Like a boring person. Good drip. You

20:40

know what you are? You're a dud. Oh

20:42

Whitney. It hurts, it hurts. That

20:44

does hurt. It does, it's

20:47

tough. It's

20:49

just kind of like, cause we've gotten so

20:51

extreme with our insults. I like to

20:53

go back to just like the super simple

20:56

ones. Yeah, no those ones might actually start

20:58

to hurt more. Yeah, I think so. Cause

21:00

I know you're not just going along with what everyone

21:02

else is saying mindlessly. Like I know you

21:04

like mean it. Yeah. You're

21:07

just foolish. Yeah, yeah. You're

21:09

like, ooh, I can't be a fool.

21:11

You have bad judgment. Oh, fool.

21:16

I think I do. Instead of a, I

21:18

know I'm not a fucker, but I definitely have bad judgment.

21:22

I love an insult like that. That's really

21:24

good. I'm gonna start doing that. Now look,

21:26

here's the thing. Have you ever wanted to

21:28

be Marie Antoinette, but it's

21:31

not the 1500s and you

21:33

weren't born into power and

21:37

that's just not possible cause it's the only thing

21:39

we can't transition to at this point is someone

21:41

from the past. Look,

21:44

I have the next best option. Cause

21:47

we want to be weighted over. I want someone to bring us

21:49

food. What are we animals? What are we gonna

21:51

go out and get our own food and cook it? Like

21:53

pigs. Okay, this is 2024. You

21:57

deserve to have your food brought to your

21:59

door without. chemicals, without

22:01

Bill Gates' Schmegma

22:04

applesauce, without rigmarole

22:06

or, you know,

22:10

Ballyhoo. Okay? You

22:12

deserve, you're too busy. Okay?

22:16

Look, there's something going on that the easier life

22:18

gets, the busier we all get. I don't

22:20

know what it is. Now that we can

22:22

have our packages delivered, we have our groceries

22:24

delivered, you order stuff online, you don't know.

22:26

But somehow, all the time that we've saved,

22:28

we somehow have less time than ever. I

22:30

don't know what it is. The

22:33

simulation, the glitch in the simulation is very

22:35

real. The point is, the

22:37

one thing you can control is eating

22:39

healthy food so you don't get hangry.

22:41

When I look on Twitter and I

22:43

see people yelling and carrying on and

22:46

trying to cancel people, I go, you know what they are? Hangry.

22:50

They're all hangry. You know what they need? They

22:52

need DoorDash in their life. Someone bringing them healthy

22:55

food, cater to their

22:57

specific needs, deliver to their

22:59

door. They need some soul food is what

23:01

they need. I can help you with this,

23:03

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23:05

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23:08

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23:12

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DoorDash today. Terms apply. So when I

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24:52

help you grow whether you're selling soap or

24:54

offering. This gets me every time. Where

24:58

will I wear my outfit? So

25:01

here's the thing. I love Shopify so much.

25:03

And in the copy here, you know, they

25:05

pitch, you know, because I'll go off the

25:07

rails if they don't write

25:09

down, just say like this general thing

25:11

and they give examples and says examples

25:13

of things you might sell, scented soap

25:15

or outdoor outfits. And

25:17

there is such a thing as indoor

25:19

outfits, you know, but I think that

25:21

just goes to show how incredible this

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platform is Shopify because like if you're

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like, no, no, I only want to

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sell indoor like

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pajamas, indoor shoes.

25:35

If you go outside, they burst into

25:37

flames. Like if that's a niche like

25:39

product that you are passionate about, you

25:41

can sell it on Shopify stores

25:44

will say, no, we're not going to carry

25:46

this. Okay. But Shopify is going to be

25:48

like, you're welcome here. You

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can sell that super niche indoor

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outfit or like purely outdoor outfit. Do

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a mogul. Go get rich. What

26:34

did the what did the stoolie give you? We

26:37

got this is what we got today. So

26:39

my boss was upset

26:41

that he didn't get invited to the

26:43

Netflix award at the... Fortnoy? Yes.

26:46

Okay. To the roast because he's a big Brady guy.

26:48

That is surprising that he didn't get invited. It was

26:50

and then three of us from the company did and

26:53

so there was like one

26:55

of my co-workers, Feidelberg and then Brianna

26:57

and then myself. It

27:00

is weird that he didn't get invited. It was

27:02

weird. I'm not sure why

27:04

but Dave said I can't believe that Brianna and Feidelberg

27:06

went to that and not me. I was like what

27:09

the fuck do you hate me? And

27:11

so one of the guys replied and said oh I

27:13

don't have service. Basically just said I

27:15

can get it for you. Okay. Sorry.

27:18

I can't know we cut all this out. I like you have

27:20

an octabuddy. Oh yeah. This octabuddy is

27:22

the whole thing now. Okay let me

27:25

get you. But do you really think he wasn't invited? He

27:27

wasn't. Doesn't make any

27:29

sense. Doesn't make any sense. I feel like

27:31

they would have wanted him there. Okay you're

27:33

almost on. We're almost on.

27:36

Okay. Thank you. Okay

27:38

so Fortnoy wasn't invited. Yeah and

27:42

so then I got this this reply which I

27:45

I ended up saying Stuley's filled my heart

27:47

with warmth and love and this is what he said.

27:51

I said that backwards. So he said

27:53

this and that's what I replied. Okay.

27:55

What's it like knowing no one likes you. If you

27:57

leave Barstool nothing would change and no one would ever

27:59

miss you. You're always just going to

28:01

be brief fat shadow following her around no

28:05

Insults like that really hurt but just

28:07

rough around the edges shabby

28:09

my Self-worth and

28:11

career you really got me. I

28:14

was like, oh it's just damn then

28:16

you wrote back Um, I wrote

28:18

back stuley's fill my heart with warmth

28:20

and love Yeah Can

28:24

we go to this person's profile? It's

28:26

just a picture of Donald Trump I So,

28:29

I know what to do really care That's

28:34

like a given right there Cuz

28:38

it sounds like a Donald Trump slam

28:40

and yeah, he'll just go real. He'll

28:42

just go like so fucking no You

28:46

get to bet shadow I can't do a

28:48

Trump Pretty good. Actually,

28:50

I why is there a no one would

28:52

care. Why does that hurt so much? Can't

28:55

cuz that's cuz that's what you think that's what

28:57

you think before you go

29:00

to kill yourself I think

29:02

maybe no one would

29:04

care if I was gone. No one would miss

29:06

me That's the it just tickles the brain totally

29:08

right there. There's but also no one cares now.

29:11

They just want there were clowns Yeah, we're just

29:13

here to make them laugh. Yeah, they

29:15

don't care now. They don't care if we live or die Mm-hmm.

29:17

You know what I mean? Yeah, but But

29:21

you know It's like, you know,

29:23

they say no one cares until you die, but I

29:25

miss OJ like really about Like

29:29

really fucking do we are we in the

29:31

going? Theory that OJ killed

29:33

her. Yeah, that's what

29:35

everyone's a nice salute. I think that's

29:37

one thing America can agree on And

29:41

I wasn't even alive for that Unifying

29:43

one thing that could bring us all together It's

29:46

a peace treaty on me to be like Devils

29:53

advocate and no it was the Clinton.

29:56

No, I Do remember though. Michael Moore. I Don't know

29:58

if this can get me. In trouble one time

30:01

told me his theory about what happens that

30:03

it was actually the sign and that Oj

30:05

was protecting the sun. Did you ever? you're

30:07

not? Okay, Well.

30:10

Now that we're just fully been off algorithm

30:12

on youtube arm but yeah that was you

30:14

weren't around said like. Don't wait for

30:16

wish Laws are awesome! I.

30:19

Was watching him live. Yeah.

30:22

Dude the I don't write as remember like

30:24

giving a shit and for me like life

30:26

is such a big deal here. You know

30:28

men to women all the time. Ilisu oh

30:31

see. Them live on, We care winnable on the

30:33

of was in. She's gorgeous right? Yeah, Fia if

30:35

there is. So was he. Is a

30:37

don't. Know. The guy that

30:39

she was cheating with candidate look exactly like her.

30:42

No one thought that was weird. I know when

30:44

someone gets murdered or not supposed to make fun

30:47

of them, but like she was wild moods it

30:49

doesn't matter. The narcissist. Yeah, that. Ago er

30:51

en that some film was the.

30:53

A So Oj son did it and he took

30:55

the blame. Would you do that? Be A. When

30:59

I kill. A. Cheating whore. For.

31:03

My son or would he do for me wait

31:05

would know. So he he he does the murder

31:07

rate in Amber. How would I come around the

31:09

blame or covering it up? Covering it up the

31:11

lot easier than taking the blame. I would cover

31:13

it up and. Go. To jail

31:15

like Oj? Dead. And. Then when

31:17

I got out. I wouldn't be a

31:20

moron who then stole sit in Vegas

31:22

and. Went back to jail. Member.

31:24

Isn't he kept The only reason he went

31:26

to jail he kept really yeah he never

31:28

be enough and all that acquitted yet didn't

31:31

have anything but I knew that watch the

31:33

anime or not a forces. Big Baby

31:35

air viewed as you got away

31:37

with murder as a free of

31:39

people say Edu a it off

31:42

See you. Actually did and many just could

31:44

now be a criminal. Yeah. I would

31:46

just be like i that that was a close

31:48

one. Yeah I'm into just go ahead and have

31:50

everyone there murder not go to jail and I'm

31:52

just going to my my own business. Yeah not

31:55

gonna like never go to Vegas again because I'm

31:57

already pushing. and then honey

31:59

done I don't even know. The

32:02

answer? Really? I

32:04

do believe so. Potentially.

32:09

I don't, but I like totally, someone sent me a

32:11

video. Have you seen this video of Ann Hage

32:13

coming back to life after she dies? Dude,

32:16

I don't, I hate not knowing what,

32:18

but I don't know who that

32:20

is. I don't, oh, trust me. You shouldn't. It'd be

32:22

weird if you did something. But there's this

32:24

weird thing of these conspiracy theories of how

32:26

people are dying. Remember when Donald Trump's first

32:29

wife, Ivana Trump, fell down the stairs? This

32:31

was like a year ago. See, the fact that you don't know

32:34

this is very weird. Ivana Trump, Donald Trump's

32:36

first wife, like a year ago, just fell

32:38

down a flight of stairs and died. And

32:41

died? I'm not laughing, you guys. I just

32:43

think it's, yes, it's wild to me. Oh,

32:45

that's, yeah, that goes right up the

32:48

conspiracy books. That's, but

32:50

like... Did Ivana

32:52

Trump fall off the stairs? Ivana Trump's friend fought her

32:54

about needing to live in hell the day before she

32:56

fell down a flight of stairs. This was in 2023.

32:59

She fell down a flight of stairs and died and died. I

33:02

just feel like if everyone knew about it and everyone was talking about

33:04

it, it wouldn't be fussy. But no

33:07

one's talking about it. Nobody talks about that. I

33:09

didn't even know that. He did he, he did

33:11

his girlfriend died too. How did she die? Recent?

33:14

Kim Porter. She died in 2007. That

33:19

was a long time ago. I

33:21

don't know. They did you in the

33:23

trafficking, right? I

33:26

don't know. I

33:28

get confused. I'm not getting the

33:30

full answer how much. Like, I

33:33

feel like we're in this

33:35

place where everyone should know everything and

33:37

no one knows anything. We all just

33:39

kind of speculate around, oh, I did,

33:41

I did actually hear something about that.

33:45

But like, no facts. Like, I can't do a

33:47

news program. I can give

33:49

you no facts. It's all

33:51

alleged shit and it's just the news. I

33:53

feel like we're just as truthful as the actual news

33:56

if we're guessing shit at this point. Like, did you

33:58

hear that? Yeah, I heard that. We're moving on. He's

34:00

doing the trafficking trafficking. I don't know what that

34:02

means. There's a difference between underage and just Russian

34:04

tours. I don't know what's going

34:06

on. I mean, yeah, I truly have

34:09

no idea. And I'm so naive because I'm

34:11

like, you're diddy. You could sleep with anyone

34:13

consensually, whatever you want. What's all this rigmarole?

34:15

I don't know. Yeah. Why? Why is trafficking

34:17

women or girls? Who know?

34:19

I don't. Some people know a lot of logistics.

34:23

Like I can barely book my tours. I

34:26

can barely get grace the flyer for our tour.

34:29

I don't even seems like a lot. Seems

34:31

like your kink is logistics. Yeah, it seems

34:33

like your kink is like, yeah,

34:35

well, it's travel. I said, you got to get them all.

34:37

You got to get them and you got to get them

34:39

booked and you got to get on the plane. I mean,

34:41

I guess you send someone to get them. I don't know

34:43

how trafficking even works. Yeah,

34:47

I'm at a loss for words on on

34:49

sex trafficking, which is crazy because I'm usually

34:51

pretty good at this. So

34:54

I'm very excited you're here. Last time you were here, I

34:56

feel like it was like you and Brie had done five

34:58

thousand podcasts. And I have such but I couldn't like, I wanted

35:00

to talk to you. Like, I'm excited. I get to talk

35:02

to you one on one. I'm pumped to be here. I

35:04

think we're long overdue. Yeah. So just like have one

35:06

on one hang. We're going to tour

35:08

together. It's happening. I am so excited for this.

35:10

Like, you have no idea. This is and

35:13

you you gave me that actual like legit

35:15

push to just get up and get after it because

35:17

that's all I needed. I've been seeing you do stand

35:19

up nonstop. Oh, yeah. I haven't stopped. Am

35:22

I going to be doing the same set? No, that's

35:24

I'm throwing that out within the next week. Starting

35:27

right back over. All right. Well, we're doing the

35:29

exact same material right now. I

35:31

thought so. Thank you again for it. So

35:34

when he brought my mom and

35:36

myself to the comedy story the other night

35:38

and went to the back door, it was

35:40

super cool. My mom was jazzed. She thought

35:42

it was the coolest. And

35:46

I realized we are pretty much doing the same

35:48

material. So it's like she has this amazing night.

35:50

I'm going to come see Whitney do comedy. How

35:52

could this night possibly take a turn? I go

35:55

on stage. She's like, we're doing the exact same

35:57

material. I'm going to go up and back to

35:59

the drawing board. I'm

36:02

sure there's a way we can both do it. I

36:04

don't know. I'm throwing it out. Is it that a

36:06

pure respect? Don't let's see. Because

36:08

okay, so basically, Grace and I both I

36:10

knew there was a reason we got along.

36:12

Yeah, we're in love. We're both

36:15

not clear. We're both not sure if

36:17

we're gay or not. It's just

36:19

been so long for me. So that's what we take you

36:21

on tour with me. We're going to just be gay and

36:23

just see how it goes. For five days

36:25

out of this whole year, we're going to be pretty

36:27

fucking gay. By the way, I'm like, neither of us

36:29

know for gay. People are looking at our tour poster

36:31

like, you guys are gay. You're

36:34

both in Denno adopted that baby. I'm

36:37

going to throw people off the track. I

36:40

just adopted a baby so that I can

36:42

pimp them out for red carpet events to

36:44

interview athletes. And that's where moment number

36:46

two comes in. Wait, tell me,

36:48

can you talk a little bit about it? Like,

36:50

no way it's that similar. It's basically just like,

36:53

uh, it's by the way,

36:55

sorry, I'm just picture your face. It's like, this

36:57

is so fun. And you're just like, yeah, it

36:59

was like awesome. And

37:03

you were crotching and I was

37:05

like, I'm rushing my heart. I'm

37:08

working on this. But

37:10

I feel like there was one time, like the last

37:12

special I did, Fortune Feimster called me and was

37:15

like, Hey, we're both doing a red

37:18

Rover, red Rover joke. And

37:21

then we both last for like two minutes.

37:23

No way. Living. This is

37:25

our job. And being like, Hey, I saw your stuff last

37:27

night. I got some bad news. Come

37:30

on over. Great minds think alike. We

37:32

both saw comedy, gold and red Rover.

37:35

And that is nice. That's hilarious. I know.

37:38

And I was like, I'll drop mine. She's like, no,

37:40

I'll try. And I was like, well, what's yours? And

37:42

I'm like, that's really funny. Mine says, let's just keep

37:44

doing them. Okay. Well, at least you talked it through.

37:47

Have you ever had a couple questions with

37:49

that? Does that happen often? Which

37:52

by the way, I just realized I am

37:54

gay. I have the same jokes as Fortune Feimster. Yeah. That's

37:57

it. Telltale side. Right there.

38:00

I think there's definitely similar

38:02

like premise areas. Yeah. You

38:05

know, or like, like references like that

38:07

don't happen a ton. Yeah, but like,

38:09

you know, it's very, it was. And

38:13

I literally picked it because I try now to like

38:15

pick references. I'm like, no one's gonna have this reference.

38:17

No one is gonna, you know. But

38:20

yeah, I guess it does happen quite a bit.

38:22

Yeah. I don't

38:24

know the answer. How often would you call someone?

38:27

Because I was gonna say I feel like at

38:29

this level, like everyone's so specific and personal. Yeah.

38:32

That it's really hard for any kind of overlap. Like a lot

38:34

of people are gonna have jokes, the trans jokes or Trump jokes.

38:36

Like that's not technically overlap. Yeah, no, because that's just

38:38

what's going on. Remember when we were growing up

38:40

playing Red Rover, how dangerous that was? Yeah.

38:43

That was like, it's like an area that I can

38:45

see a lot of comics going these days. But we

38:47

just happened to have something that was like the exact

38:49

same wording. That's so crazy. Who gives a shit? Honestly,

38:52

if someone comes and sees Fortune and then comes and

38:54

sees me and they're like, they both had a red,

38:56

like, great. They went to go see two

38:58

female comics in a year. If our

39:00

biggest problem is it, who gets a shit? Oh, that's actually

39:02

a good problem to have. Yeah, exactly. And

39:04

they were both different enough and original enough. I

39:07

think it's crazy to have to drop something you've

39:09

been working on, especially that's this personal to you

39:11

because someone else is doing something similar. Yeah. Well,

39:14

I'm totally throwing my way. I

39:16

was willing to give it away anyways. It's

39:19

basically just, it's been a long

39:21

time. I feel like a female pervert. I've

39:24

seen everything online. I

39:26

really think at this point I'm going to

39:28

just be gay. And

39:30

so one night I got really fucking drunk and

39:33

opened up Hinge and I was rapid fire

39:35

swiping like a special needs kid at Bag

39:37

Check. I

39:39

never say special needs. I always say something else and

39:41

it never hits. It never

39:43

hits, especially in Brooklyn. They

39:45

hate that. Oh, yeah. No, they

39:47

do. No, too well in

39:50

Brooklyn yet. Brooklyn

39:52

is a lot of trust fund kids

39:54

who need to be self-righteous in order

39:56

to sort of counteract the guilt they

39:58

feel from taking their Republican. can trust

40:00

fund parents money. Kind

40:03

of like the whole JLo thing, like too many good

40:05

things in their life, they have to create something. Like

40:07

100%. And

40:09

like I come from a family of

40:12

like legit criminals. Badass.

40:15

What's that? Badass. Yes, totally,

40:17

that have destroyed the economy. So

40:19

now I'm mad at you for saying retard. Yeah,

40:21

yeah. That'll fix that. Oh, I

40:23

thought you personally came from real criminals. Oh

40:26

yeah, yeah, no I do, I do, but not good ones.

40:28

Not ones that like made a lot of money to where

40:30

I can live in Brooklyn. The ones that got caught. Yeah,

40:33

yeah, yeah, yeah. They come from like trust fund

40:35

bankers. Yeah, white collar. Yeah, totally. And

40:37

then they're like, I go to NYU

40:39

and you can't say retard. Yeah, it's

40:41

like, you know what, fuck you. Yeah,

40:44

it's comedy. How retarded are you

40:46

that you came into a comedy venue and got confused

40:48

when comedy happened? Yeah, right? That's

40:50

a retard. That's what I don't understand. It's

40:53

crazy. Yeah, it makes them feel important or something.

40:55

I don't know. It's insane. It really, it's wild.

40:58

But also, but I gotta learn how to get

41:00

that crowd to work. Cause it's you. Yeah,

41:03

yeah. I mean, it'd be beneficial. It's

41:06

a lot of comedy shows in Brooklyn and New York. But I

41:08

remember like I used to do some of those too. There was

41:11

like, like back in the day, there were these shows like UCB

41:13

and Rafifi and all these shows in Brooklyn. I would always kind

41:15

of eat shit. And I was like, you know what? If I'm

41:17

eating shit here, that means the heartland's

41:19

gonna let, I'm mainstream. Okay, all right. This

41:21

is good news. Okay, all right. That's kind

41:23

of how I felt about it too. Yeah,

41:25

you guys also use typewriters. It's 2024. You

41:29

use typewriters cause you think it's ironic. And you're

41:31

just making more hard things in your good life.

41:34

Nope, can't do it. Yeah, okay. All right. I

41:36

feel a little bit better about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you make

41:38

your own almond milk, we're never gonna be friends. No, there's no

41:40

shot. I can't do this. There's no shot. What?

41:43

You can't even crack a smile. Yeah, I'm

41:46

not doing it. You wait eight minutes for

41:48

your coffee. Yeah. Like

41:50

we're not. All right. All right. That

41:53

made me feel better. I'm good. I

41:55

did. You're wearing a scarf and a tank top. You didn't even

41:57

know what the temperature is. You can't even figure out how to

41:59

dress for the weather. I'm an asshole, you're

42:01

in socks with Birkenstocks. Like, I'm not the

42:03

dick here. I'm not doing this Brooklyn

42:05

shit where you guys all want to pretend you're from the 1800s because

42:08

you have a trust fund. No, they truly, actually

42:11

at this point in time right now, they think

42:13

they're in the 70s. Every

42:15

bar is 70s themed. It's kind

42:17

of cool honestly to go there for a day,

42:19

but they are dressed in 70s. Their

42:23

bars are 70s, their pizza places are 70s. It's

42:25

actually wild. Except women are superior. Wasn't

42:29

like that in the 70s. Yeah, wasn't like that

42:31

in the 70s. It was progressive 70s. You know what

42:33

I mean? 70s,

42:35

they already got the stuff done. I don't like this thing

42:37

and all these like, we're like woke feminists and then they

42:39

go see a female do comedy and they're like, I don't

42:41

like, you don't want to say that. So we

42:44

don't believe in free speech and a woman making money

42:46

and getting successful. Like, which

42:48

pick a lane? And also, yeah, pick an actual

42:50

lane and go bowling because it was in a

42:52

bowling alley. You know? She

42:56

set me up for that one. That was good. I

43:00

hate you guys. I hate

43:02

you. You were, you were all about vintage clothes so

43:04

let's throw out some vintage charms like retards.

43:06

Yeah, please, that's really good. God

43:10

damn it. Your clothes are from the 50s. How

43:12

about some terms from the 50s? Little laughing. Stupid

43:16

broads. Yes. Like

43:19

I just don't like that. I don't like

43:21

that. I'm better than you. Judge,

43:23

jury and executioner. Too cool

43:25

for school. Shit. Yeah.

43:28

And like just fucking have a good time. Yeah. That's

43:30

what you chose to do tonight and you chose not to.

43:33

Also don't make me feel like an idiot for

43:35

being up here trying to get attention. Don't

43:38

make me feel like an idiot for saying retards.

43:40

And you're wearing feather earrings. Do

43:42

you know what I'm saying? You've done dumber things for

43:44

attention than I'm doing right now. Yeah. Yeah,

43:47

seriously. Brooklyn is specifically always, I

43:49

always feel like I'm not cool enough.

43:51

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't

43:53

think I'll ever outgrow that. So that's nice to hear. Yeah.

43:56

Like I'm not, I don't need your approval. Yeah. I'm

43:59

good. I really wanted it the first couple of times and then I was

44:01

like, maybe this just isn't all these girls that

44:03

don't like me. They will die in childbirth having

44:06

their baby in a bathtub in their you

44:09

know, brownstone. Yeah, their dad

44:11

paid for. Mm-hmm to

44:14

be that baby I

44:18

don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

44:20

Okay, so you decided to be gay though. That's

44:22

way different than what I was saying Yeah, yeah.

44:24

Well, you know, I think it's always kind of

44:26

been in the back there though You know, do

44:28

you think though but have you met a girl

44:30

and been like hmm, like I here's my thing

44:32

is I have lots of awesome Girlfriends, they're beautiful.

44:34

They're funny. They're smart never been attracted to them

44:36

Yeah, no, never my girlfriend's but like when a

44:38

when a lesbian does approach It's

44:41

nice to feel wanted and I think that's where I got it.

44:44

Right? I think that's where that came from I was like, oh,

44:46

yeah I'd

44:49

go either way. Okay, but there's a difference between

44:51

like I think I might be gay and like

44:53

eating pussy Yeah, so that's and that's where I

44:55

ended. I'm like, yeah, I just don't think I'm ready to munchbox

44:57

It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah,

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Yahoo Finance dot com. So you're

48:21

probably not gay. Yeah I don't

48:23

think so. But I'd give it a

48:25

little while I haven't tried it yet. Yeah. But you

48:27

know it's getting lonely. It's

48:29

getting 25 years. Yeah. Yeah. It's

48:31

a lot. It's a lot. Yeah.

48:33

So that's interesting. Where do you want to

48:35

come from? The

48:37

point is it is a choice. Moving on. I'm fully

48:39

off right now. I've

48:42

now decided that I'm going to use the podcast to get to

48:44

know people that I already like you notice when you ever

48:46

like become fast friends with somebody and you make like

48:48

new old friends and you're like I don't know where that

48:50

person's from. Yes. Absolutely.

48:53

We're really good friends and I know nothing about

48:55

you. Like I recently learned that a really good

48:57

friend of mine her middle name is her name

48:59

is was her middle name. Like we went to

49:01

the airport or something and she's in there like

49:03

Tara and I was like Tara and she's like

49:05

oh that's mine. I was like I

49:07

feel weird and I didn't lie. I think

49:09

that sometimes like you get these like really

49:11

fast like friends. No you're so great. You

49:13

forget to just because you're like looking at

49:15

everything on Instagram. You forget to just ask

49:17

each other basic questions. Yeah. All right. So

49:20

I'm actually 50s again. I'm actually interviewing you.

49:22

Oh yeah. Look at us. And

49:24

then my friend Kevin Christie who's a huge fan of yours

49:26

who's gonna come on tour with us a little bit has

49:28

questions for you too. First I want to ask if you

49:30

have a hot cake that no one else seems to agree

49:32

with. I love this question and it's a

49:35

fun one to ask people and I

49:37

never wanted it to

49:39

be for me. Hot cake

49:41

that nobody else. Like mine

49:44

are like I don't believe

49:46

many charities are real. Oh

49:50

I think most of them are scams. All

49:52

right. That's fair. That's

49:55

a hot cake. Like charities are fishy

49:57

to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Who's that?

50:00

And where's this money going and why is

50:03

there a gala for it? I

50:05

don't know. I don't know. It's specific

50:07

for you. Especially

50:09

when they want to rescue kids. I'm like, hmm.

50:12

Why do you want to rescue kids so bad? Did we

50:14

ever see them get rescued? Where's

50:16

the proof? I'd like to see it. Did

50:19

he did it? I don't know. There's

50:22

a lot of like, we need to help kids. Why

50:24

do you want to be around kids so bad? That

50:26

was a question I was asking on the carpet yesterday. I

50:29

was like, what's a charity you would never donate

50:31

to? I

50:34

got Hannah Burner with that one. That's really funny.

50:37

I liked that one. Yeah, it's just like

50:39

charities are a little fishy. Yeah. You

50:42

know what I mean? Most of them. Yeah. You never

50:44

hear like the follow up. I feel like. But like

50:46

we just blindly go like charity. Yeah, totally. But if I

50:48

was a criminal, I'd be like, I should probably start a

50:50

charity. Oh my God. That would make people think that I

50:53

was doing something good. It would be so easy. Yeah. And

50:56

I've seen a lot of charities be scammed. So

50:58

like maybe it's that, but they pay themselves out

51:00

of the money. It's very profitable for the people

51:02

involved. Our

51:04

local priest was stealing from the church. Yeah.

51:08

And we don't have to go down the priest rabbit

51:10

hole, but yeah. Just kind of checks out. Coolest

51:13

thing priests have done. Yeah, no, it was kind of epic

51:15

to find out that was the bad news. Best case scenario.

51:19

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. What

51:23

would be another one that I have these days? One

51:26

of mine, I guess would be, I never look

51:28

for a ring on someone. Interesting. Because

51:30

my parents didn't wear them. And

51:33

so I just like, I'll be flirting

51:35

with someone and get back to my friends. Like

51:37

he's, he's cute or she at this point. And

51:39

come back and my friends like wearing

51:42

a giant ring, like just like wearing like a thick

51:45

ring on his finger. Like you didn't see that. No,

51:47

I don't look. I didn't look. I don't

51:49

look for that. Interesting. He wasn't doing

51:51

jazz hands. Yeah. Well, I guess I didn't. I

51:53

guess everyone like goes out of their way to be like, Oh, are they

51:56

wearing a ring? Never think about that. I never

51:58

think of it. Huh,

52:01

I haven't a hot take off your hot take. I

52:03

don't get that. Can I see your wedding ring, Pat? OK,

52:07

I don't get the black

52:11

titanium ring. You

52:15

want to feel like a man. You know what I mean?

52:17

What is the thing where my ring is made out

52:20

of the steel

52:22

Chernobyl? It's

52:24

made out of a tank from Vietnam.

52:27

Like you're wearing a wedding ring. Like

52:29

what the gold was five. But you

52:31

didn't want to wear jewelry. Yeah, yeah,

52:34

I'm not gay. I'm not gay. We're

52:36

dating. You're not

52:38

gay. You're married to a woman. Oh, yeah,

52:40

straight up. You think about it. No, I'm

52:42

not gay. I'm not wearing a gold wedding

52:45

room. I ain't gay. That's

52:47

a fair point. We know you're with a

52:49

woman. That's the whole point. That's his

52:51

jewelry. No, it's

52:53

a tire. I'm just

52:56

wearing a tire. Look, look, look,

52:58

look. Spikes. It

53:00

hurts. It hurts to wear this. Because

53:02

like actually just wearing the gold one,

53:05

your wife bought like that. But

53:07

if you're like, I want the titanium,

53:09

now you're actively shopping for jewelry. Yeah.

53:11

You're actively accessorizing. This

53:14

is very fair. I've never thought

53:16

of this either. You're like, I actually

53:18

prefer the titanium one. It looks better

53:20

with my Hugo Boss lilac shirt. Like

53:24

you've thought too much about jewelry at

53:27

this point. Yeah, true. That's gay. Yeah.

53:30

You're gay for that. I ain't gay. No, I'm

53:32

not gay. This is just bringing me

53:34

down. Finger

53:37

exercise. Yeah, I don't like them. They

53:42

would never do that. Guys, this is like a weight.

53:44

They're like, I want the weighted one. So

53:46

I can do burpees with my finger. All

53:49

my boys got to 20. So

53:51

when I figure my bitch, you

53:53

know it goes down. I just like

53:55

I've been seeing it's like a new thing that wedding rings

53:57

are like big and black and thick. Yeah,

54:00

I don't know man. Keep

54:02

it patient, my guy. Who's like four?

54:05

Yeah. Who are you trying to impress your other guy friends? You're

54:07

like, oh cool. Oh, you got the good one? Sick dude. You

54:10

got the Vietnam tank? You're not a bitch wearing that gold. Like

54:12

what? Could've sworn you were one of them bitches.

54:14

But now I see the titanium. I know you're one of us. Like

54:16

what is? Fuck, that's so funny to me. That's

54:19

good. That's so funny to me. That's so funny to me.

54:21

That's so funny to me. That's so funny to me. That's

54:23

so funny to me. That's so funny to me. That's so

54:25

funny to me. That's so funny to me. Fuck,

54:28

that's so funny to me. That's good. Do

54:30

you do anything weird when you're home

54:32

alone? Like any weird, you know when

54:35

you like hang out with someone alone and you realize how

54:37

weird you are? Yeah. I

54:39

just started to live alone now. I've

54:41

noticed like the talking to yourself thing. That

54:44

was kind of crazy. But it's not that

54:46

nuts. I think. Is

54:48

it just like a under your breath

54:50

type thing or is it like I

54:52

noticed that I'll kind of verbally abuse

54:55

myself a little bit? Yeah, or run

54:57

crazy scenarios that didn't happen

55:00

and never will. I'll do that.

55:02

Okay. Like,

55:04

Oh, dude, what a bitch. But nothing happened. Uh huh.

55:07

Sure, sure, sure. Say that out loud. Oh, what

55:09

a bitch. Like, Oh, that actually didn't happen. You're

55:11

insane. Like whose voice is that? Like, I'll

55:13

like microwave something too hot and I'll eat and I'll be like,

55:16

good job with. Yeah. Like,

55:18

it's like, what is it like sarcastically just

55:20

roasting myself? Yeah. Just like around the

55:22

house. Does it come from someone in the past? A

55:25

big one for me is of course,

55:28

of course, of course, of course. Yeah. Of

55:30

course. That's what happened to me. Like

55:33

what? Of course. What?

55:35

Oh, that app like with the cigarette course. Like, I don't know why

55:37

I think who get like, it's not as

55:40

if I'm the star of some movie and everyone's pranking

55:42

me like the narcissism. But they look, of course, that's

55:44

what happened to me. Well,

55:46

yeah, of course, what happened to you because you didn't

55:48

pay attention. Like, it wasn't sound like you're cursed. The

55:50

only one doing it. You did that. Exactly. You

55:52

did that. Like, you're the victim of a

55:54

prank or something. Like, no, you just can't

55:56

cope. We know this. Mine's kind of like Ben

55:58

Affleck. Yeah. with just an

56:01

outburst of fucking shitting me.

56:03

Hilarious. You fucking shit me. Like

56:06

that. Stop. Dude

56:08

talking. Who are your heroes growing up

56:10

besides Tom Brady? Like

56:12

as an entertainer, because I'm kind of

56:15

fascinated by the people like that, like

56:17

one of my random like inspirations was

56:19

an athlete, Dennis Rodman, really, his hair,

56:21

a bunch of different. Yeah, like I'm

56:23

just with like the people that formed

56:25

someone's psyche. Um.

56:29

I kind of tried to base my life

56:32

around at first Lola

56:35

from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.

56:37

Obsessed. Yeah, she had it going on.

56:39

She was a badass. She came from New York and

56:41

thought everyone else was a loser. Love

56:43

it. Because they lived in the suburbs and all I wanted to

56:46

do was move to New York like when I was a kid

56:48

and everything. Before that, it was

56:50

Eloise. Thought she was the shit. Oh, yeah.

56:53

Yeah, she had it going on. So

56:55

funny. They're all fictional, I guess.

56:58

And then just

57:00

like Tina

57:02

Fey, I'd say. Love.

57:06

And as I get in, this

57:08

is seriously not just sucking

57:11

your dick, but as I got like

57:13

older into like high

57:16

school college, it was you. I

57:19

will say. And I'm not just

57:21

sucking your dick. We're already doing this. Yeah,

57:24

we're already doing this. Right. I

57:27

swear I didn't ask this question because I thought

57:29

this would be the answer. You're

57:32

the only one like I

57:34

hate to put the female aspect in

57:36

front of it, but for like the ones like

57:40

there, you were the one who

57:42

could hang with everybody and give everyone

57:44

shit right back and forth. And it was

57:46

like not many people can do

57:48

that when you are a lady woman. It's

57:52

the longest time. That's very nice. I don't have

57:54

a joke to say, but I'll say thank you.

57:56

Just grab pants. No, I'm going

57:58

to do that. I

58:01

feel like that's what Jada Pickett Smith would do. I'm going to

58:03

receive that. Or she would just

58:05

have her husband punch me in the face for

58:07

calling her bald. Great

58:10

segue to this. But

58:13

seriously, thank you. I'm going to cut out

58:15

my sincere thank you probably, because I

58:18

was so jazzed. Jazz is a

58:20

hilarious word to use. By the way, whoa,

58:22

you are nervous. I do make you nervous.

58:25

I actually do believe I'm your hero now,

58:27

because you just said jazz. I'm

58:31

so happy for the pleasure. Oh. All

58:35

right. Is that a

58:37

wicked gay for you? Oh, I'm just

58:39

joshing. The

58:43

gay part, I'm not sure yet. We'll

58:45

find out. Oh my

58:48

God, I'm glad you're jazzed. Yeah, I

58:50

know. Fuck that. God

58:52

damn it. Am

58:56

I bright red for jazzed? I

59:01

was at this Netflix thing the other

59:03

day. The thing I love

59:06

so much about comics, even

59:09

if you're such a fan of

59:11

somebody, we're all in the same hallway on the same

59:13

stage. You come to the comedy store. When

59:16

I first ever did stand up at the comic store, I

59:18

was in the hallway with Chris Rock, standing right next to

59:20

my hero. You know what I mean? And he's just like,

59:23

oh, you're for it. And I'm like, you're on Aftermeans. He's

59:25

like, great. My hero's standing

59:27

next to me and I'm bringing him

59:29

up. In what other job are you

59:31

instantly in the same room with one

59:33

of your heroes? That's so wild to

59:35

fuck it. And they'll call security on

59:37

you. Yeah. And so with

59:39

Sarah Silverman, I still get a little like,

59:42

I always leave with the, I

59:45

carried a watermelon. It's always that dirty dancing

59:47

moment where Jennifer Gray is like, oh, why

59:49

did I say that? With Sarah Silverman, I

59:51

always do that. Still, I just like, I

59:54

just, I don't, I kind of have like a crush on her. Like,

59:56

I don't know what it is. But I'm like, why'd you say that?

59:58

I'm so stupid. Like most of you. You're wearing too much makeup.

1:00:00

Why'd you do that? Like, you know, like just dumb

1:00:02

shit. I get that. Why did you say that? Clearly.

1:00:05

Why did you say that? Why did you try to be funny? I like,

1:00:08

I try to be funny. Yeah. Like as

1:00:10

if. Yeah.

1:00:12

And it's try to go the extra mile being funny,

1:00:14

which I may potentially be doing right this, for the

1:00:16

last hour or so. And then I like insult her.

1:00:18

Cause I'm like, I looked up to you, you know,

1:00:20

like you've been one of my heroes. And I say

1:00:22

something that's like not funny. And she's like, I

1:00:25

hope, I wish I would have inspired you a

1:00:28

little more. Like I inspired someone who's bombing in

1:00:30

front of me. Like, cool. Like, That

1:00:33

would just happen to Whitney. No. Fuck.

1:00:40

This is bad. I'm sure you could find another

1:00:42

fat ginger. So I was talking to someone. Everyone

1:00:47

that has giant boobs, it just feels like

1:00:49

that. I weigh a brick ton, but thank

1:00:51

you. But you, have you ever, I, we

1:00:53

can cut this out if you want. I

1:00:55

have a couple of friends that have boobs.

1:00:57

Like, have you ever thought about getting them?

1:01:01

Lesson? Yes, of course. Yeah.

1:01:03

And I definitely need to pick me up cause you could milk those

1:01:05

fuckers. Yeah. But

1:01:07

like you don't want to? No, I do. I

1:01:10

do. It's just a matter of like, I

1:01:12

hate going to the doctor. I hate, like I, I love

1:01:14

my wisdom teeth come in and now my teeth are crooked.

1:01:17

Cause I didn't want to go to the dentist. Yeah. That's

1:01:19

like a terrible way to be. Yeah. Yeah. You

1:01:21

don't say that in LA, you're gonna, a

1:01:24

doctor will show up. Right, right, right. Right.

1:01:28

I just don't want to take the time to do it. Okay. And,

1:01:31

well, I actually quite, at this moment in

1:01:33

time, I can't afford it yet. Okay. So,

1:01:36

okay. That's where I stand. Okay. But

1:01:38

the boobs, the boobs are gonna go down and go up. I

1:01:40

know a guy who'll give you a good deal. Right. Dr.

1:01:43

Miami. Oh yeah. You

1:01:46

might have to go to Miami. What

1:01:49

is the best part of being famous and the

1:01:51

worst part of being famous for you so far?

1:01:53

I think you have the questions mixed up with

1:01:55

somebody else. I'm not there yet. I

1:01:58

mean, it's hard to tell what. Like,

1:02:00

you will never know if you're famous or not.

1:02:02

You will go to the airport and seven people

1:02:04

in a row will recognize you and then no

1:02:07

one will recognize you for two days, but then

1:02:09

chances are they recognize you, but they just didn't say hi.

1:02:12

Some people just don't say hi. And then

1:02:14

other people are super fans. Other people will

1:02:16

be like, oh, you have a podcast? Cool.

1:02:19

How's that going? Yeah. How's it

1:02:21

going? Just like,

1:02:23

yeah. I think that's kind of,

1:02:25

there is a giant stigma with

1:02:30

people could see me as an influencer. I think

1:02:32

until I like,

1:02:34

until standup picks up and it's, it's

1:02:37

really hard to say to you. Yes. But

1:02:40

until like I'm more established in standup, I think

1:02:43

I can't call myself famous because I have that

1:02:46

influencer undertone. Yeah.

1:02:49

I can't give it to myself. Kim,

1:02:51

could I ask you how to sex tape? What are we doing? Yeah,

1:02:53

I guess so. Why are we, you know what I'm saying? I know,

1:02:55

that's fair. Yeah. Are you, oh, you're trying

1:02:57

to have integrity. No,

1:03:00

we need a fucking

1:03:02

idiot. Honey, let's maybe,

1:03:05

let's maybe, let's maybe move past that.

1:03:07

Yeah. No, so I'm fucking famous. Yes. And

1:03:09

I love it. You're

1:03:12

famous. I mean, it's like, it's

1:03:14

a gross, weird thing to say, but I liked that you're

1:03:17

like, I don't know if I am. Cause those are the

1:03:19

people that are going to psychologically survive it. Yeah. You

1:03:21

know, I think I just tried to, I

1:03:23

do PR trading in my head sometimes. And

1:03:25

I'm like, there's no point about PR trading

1:03:29

Yeah. Just before I say something, I

1:03:31

try to sit like, try to analyze what people will

1:03:33

say about what I just said, which

1:03:35

is a terrible way to think. Coming from the person who talks about having

1:03:37

a Trump party. We

1:03:40

didn't know better. We would, you know what? I

1:03:42

actually just had a meeting with an agency and they're like,

1:03:45

oh, have you ever done improv? And I was like, yeah, but

1:03:47

I got kicked out. I was

1:03:49

really good at it though. And they were like, why

1:03:52

did you get kicked out? I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. And

1:03:54

they're like, well, now you have to tell us. And I was like, oh, they

1:03:57

didn't like a picture I had. Well, what was

1:03:59

the picture? I had a trump hat on

1:04:01

okay, I had a trump hat on and I didn't know better and I got

1:04:03

kicked out of an improv troop uh-huh

1:04:09

I I knew it I

1:04:11

knew it that improv people

1:04:13

were sick sickos What is

1:04:15

it? What's funnier than being in a trump

1:04:17

hat you guys know nothing about comedy your

1:04:19

whole thing is to go yes And you

1:04:22

had a trump hat on and let's talk

1:04:24

about how it got there and they said

1:04:26

you can't come back There was no yes,

1:04:28

and they it was just goodbye in order

1:04:30

to guess a

1:04:32

scene Mm-hmm you have to vote

1:04:34

how we vote Yeah,

1:04:37

yeah, and and listen I Didn't

1:04:41

know I didn't know anything. I know still

1:04:43

don't know where I stand politically I

1:04:45

mean if anyone stands anywhere politically you're

1:04:48

an idiot. There's a to over. It's

1:04:50

all over the place Thing

1:04:52

it's done. We're all flying through space.

1:04:54

There's no good options. Everyone is a

1:04:56

psychopath We're all doing the best we

1:04:58

can with the tools that we've got

1:05:00

and when the election day comes if

1:05:03

there's still a country by Then we

1:05:05

will eenie meenie miney-mo that

1:05:07

shit Okay,

1:05:11

and let's all just look Trump's gonna win from

1:05:13

jail, so You

1:05:16

know yeah, let's just surrender to that right

1:05:18

now Yeah, that is so you're telling

1:05:20

me that a place that you paid

1:05:22

to take improv classes. No, it was in college It

1:05:25

was like a college group. I Auditioned

1:05:28

and I was in and then like

1:05:30

the next day they had like the welcome party

1:05:33

For the new groups, and then they took me Aside

1:05:36

into a different room. They said actually you need to be

1:05:39

Said why I said well one

1:05:41

of our members didn't like a picture that

1:05:44

they saw on your Instagram And

1:05:46

we all feel uncomfortable if you were to continue with

1:05:48

us. I was like oh you're a bunch of It

1:05:52

was actually better off. I would have been it would have been hard

1:05:54

to make jokes Okay

1:05:59

in the only person I'm more mad at than

1:06:01

this idiot that took you aside and said you

1:06:03

you're not allowed to hang out with us dorks

1:06:06

You know, I mean because you're funny. You're not allowed

1:06:08

to be in this comedy troupe because you're funny

1:06:11

is the imp the Agent

1:06:13

who asked if you do improv? You

1:06:19

went to an agency meeting and they asked

1:06:21

if you do improv Or

1:06:24

if I have done it did they

1:06:26

say you don't do improv do you? Wait,

1:06:32

hold on. Hold on. What fucking loser

1:06:35

was like, do you do improv? I

1:06:39

don't know. That's what we're in the market for. Right,

1:06:41

and you know it's really selling these days on these

1:06:43

improvisers. They all want to put you in my pictures.

1:06:47

What fucking trust fund

1:06:50

loser, Illuminati reject had

1:06:52

the audacity to ask you

1:06:56

Do you pay money for people to teach you

1:06:58

how to guess? Listen

1:07:06

I'm new to all this. I that was my

1:07:08

first that was actually my second time. I'm feeling

1:07:11

out agencies I don't know how many of this

1:07:13

work. Yeah, you let me I'm your agent Do

1:07:19

you do improv What

1:07:21

are you she talks for seven hours a

1:07:23

week? Okay,

1:07:25

we're good Millions

1:07:28

of people listen to her ramble

1:07:32

Ramble for seven hours a

1:07:34

week. Yeah, I don't really understand. I don't

1:07:36

understand the question looking back now I didn't

1:07:39

I didn't yeah, I need you Do

1:07:42

you juggle? Have you ever taken juggling

1:07:44

classes? I'm a clown Like

1:07:47

a real school. How are you with props? How's

1:07:49

your space work? Like

1:07:56

What a dorm yeah, so are you I

1:07:58

think we're gonna be and towards them

1:08:00

I guess. Can you do improv? Like

1:08:02

what does that even mean? That is

1:08:04

such a weird power move question that

1:08:07

they're just like, I guess we're supposed

1:08:09

to ask things. Oh wow. What else

1:08:11

do they ask? Um...

1:08:17

Yeah I guess there really wasn't much going on in that.

1:08:19

I guess like if you're an

1:08:21

agent trying to sign talent these days you have

1:08:23

to pitch yourself. We'll go this is what we'll

1:08:25

do for yeah that was kind of like a

1:08:28

lot um like legit legit legit legit. Like stumbling

1:08:30

all over ourselves

1:08:32

together. It's so cute. Oh my

1:08:34

gosh. I'm just like trying to make you laugh

1:08:36

and I'm like I

1:08:39

know this is a flap of plexig. I'm

1:08:41

like I'm when I'm speechless and I

1:08:43

try to talk at the same time I can just

1:08:45

get really trip all over myself.

1:08:47

Is there a word for that? Aphileptic?

1:08:50

Mentally ill. Oh okay.

1:08:53

I've loved it. Was that what

1:08:55

you said? No um apoplectic. It's

1:08:57

just like anger just angry. Am

1:08:59

I a f**king aphile for thinking

1:09:01

that was good? I was like

1:09:03

so emotionally dyslexic and so delusionally

1:09:06

like obsessed with like making it what

1:09:08

I did that even when people tried to

1:09:10

discourage me I would just find the one

1:09:12

thing to hold on to you know uh

1:09:14

to keep me going. I think that's what

1:09:16

I'm asking. But if someone

1:09:19

had said do you do improv I would have given

1:09:21

up. Yeah yeah I guess I don't know

1:09:23

how you're gonna get past this. Yeah that's

1:09:26

tough. I never did do

1:09:28

it. You're nationally funny, you're brilliant, you're

1:09:30

hilarious, you just stand up but you

1:09:34

do improv. Like what does it even

1:09:36

mean? You're down to make 20 books

1:09:38

in Bushwick next weekend. Why am I

1:09:41

so pissed off about this? Like I

1:09:43

can't I'm

1:09:45

so mad. Do you also hate comedy?

1:09:47

It's also just like yeah yeah yeah

1:09:49

yeah totally like I know you can

1:09:51

stand up alone on stuff that you wrote

1:09:53

and command an entire room and hypnotize thousands

1:09:56

of people but can you and a group

1:09:58

of people just be silly gooses? make

1:10:00

like 20 people out? Like

1:10:03

what? I can do

1:10:05

the hardest thing. I

1:10:07

do the hardest thing. Yeah,

1:10:10

I am. But if seven

1:10:12

other people helped you, would

1:10:14

you be able to be like kind of funny instead

1:10:18

of really funny? Oh shit.

1:10:21

You hate your guts

1:10:23

there. Yeah. You considered

1:10:26

less funny. Have

1:10:28

you considered being less

1:10:30

funny with a

1:10:32

bunch of men in their 40? Oh shit. I

1:10:39

was disrespected today and I had no idea.

1:10:41

Wow. No, I just didn't like, I can't

1:10:43

have you thought

1:10:48

about sharing your fee with

1:10:50

seven other people. Like

1:10:54

isn't your whole thing to

1:10:56

make me money? Yeah. And you

1:10:58

just tried to split my fee

1:11:00

with seven other people. That just seems like

1:11:03

you need more avenues. Yeah. All I

1:11:05

need is a microphone and

1:11:09

my personality. I fucking hate

1:11:11

LA. I've always so.

1:11:13

Fair, fair, fair. I'm

1:11:19

just gullible or something. You're not gullible. You're

1:11:21

like, here's the thing. When you're a

1:11:24

sincere real person who's not phony and

1:11:26

full of shit, it doesn't occur to you that

1:11:28

other people will be phony and full of shit. Like it just

1:11:30

doesn't add up. I

1:11:32

guess maybe in those rooms, you should just be aware. But

1:11:35

it's not like I'd rather be the naive one

1:11:37

that gets screwed. That's the one that is assuming

1:11:40

everyone is full of shit. Cause that means I'm

1:11:42

projecting in some way. Like I was always like

1:11:44

the openhearted person. It's like, they just want to

1:11:46

help my career and they want

1:11:48

to make art and they want to make the masses laugh.

1:11:50

And I'm like, Oh no, I'm just, I'm

1:11:52

a cattle and this is stock and you guys are,

1:11:55

I'm just like having a moment and you guys are

1:11:57

just like throwing stuff against the wall. And you're like

1:11:59

heat seeker. But that's good. I mean

1:12:01

that's what their job is. Yeah, this

1:12:03

is all just very new. It's blowing my mind And

1:12:07

they just like we're like we're gonna take 10% of your

1:12:09

money. No, that sounds Fantastic. Yeah,

1:12:12

they might even they could credit 30. I

1:12:14

would have been like, yeah, actually we do 40

1:12:18

final offer I'm

1:12:20

just so happy somebody wants me did I mention I might

1:12:22

be gay So we

1:12:24

need to check you buy that Have

1:12:27

you thought about being gay we need to

1:12:29

be able to stay you're part of the LGBTQIA plus

1:12:31

community Have you thought about that? That

1:12:33

would be a helpful agent, dude If

1:12:35

one of my agents would have called me four years ago

1:12:37

and been like, hey Whitney My women are just not

1:12:39

it right now. Have you thought about being

1:12:42

gay? I'd be like dude that yes Transition

1:12:47

right now Okay,

1:12:50

yeah smart Now

1:12:52

you're using your head. That's a good agent.

1:12:54

Yeah I'm

1:12:57

learning I End

1:13:00

these awkwardly You guys know Grace

1:13:02

O'Malley. She is the greatest and she's coming on tour

1:13:04

of course You know from plan Brie, which I cannot

1:13:07

say with my starter. I'm glad yeah, I'm a Planet

1:13:11

Brie stay plan Brie five times fast

1:13:13

plan Brie plan Brie plan. I can't

1:13:15

do it fast I can barely do

1:13:17

it Plan Brie Brie Brie Brie

1:13:19

Brie Brie. It's hard. We playing Brie. It's hard I

1:13:24

love you guys. All right. Oh