0:00

I did say to my gyno when she

0:02

was sewing me up after

0:05

she cut my vagina. Let's

0:09

not be a feminist about this. Oh,

0:13

hey, y'all. Bap, bap, bap. Whitney

0:15

Cummings here trying to be normal on a

0:17

Sunday doing an IG live and solo Q&A

0:20

episode for the Good For You podcast. Pat,

0:22

I feel like I'm at a weird proximity

0:25

from the microphone. What if it's like that? Is that okay?

0:27

Can you hear me okay? I can hear you. Has anyone

0:29

ever not been able to hear me? I

0:31

mean, imagine someone being like, we can't hear

0:33

Whitney. It's never happened. And yet I'm constantly

0:36

paranoid about it. I've just done

0:38

Comrade's first love

0:40

of the show. Okay,

0:43

this is what bothers me about podcasting,

0:45

you guys. I have had a speech

0:47

impediment my entire life and have a,

0:49

you know, little dollop of, I

0:52

don't know if it's OCD or what it is when you

0:54

conflate words in your head. It's

0:56

just like your brain is moving faster than your mouth

0:58

can possibly move. And

1:02

no one ever knew I had a

1:04

speech impediment because I did standup only

1:06

and scripted television where you memorize it,

1:08

you know it, and then doing podcasts,

1:11

live podcasts especially. Because normally when

1:14

I flub, we just cut it out

1:16

of the recorded one and here we are live. So now

1:18

you know all my secrets. And so from

1:20

now on, if you say anything negative about

1:22

me, you're ableist. And

1:25

you're bullying a person who can

1:27

barely speak. Okay,

1:29

so what was I saying?

1:32

This is a solo podcast and I'm

1:34

going to answer a bunch of your

1:36

questions because I'm a medical doctor. I

1:39

have certificates in psychology. I

1:42

have real legitimate certificates

1:44

in the following psychology,

1:47

numerology, astrology, biking,

1:53

exercise, athletics,

1:55

health, oncology,

1:57

god. Gynecology.

2:02

I just missed my finger. That

2:04

was real. You guys sent some

2:06

really good questions. I put my contacts into that. You guys are

2:08

in trouble. You know why you're in trouble? Because

2:11

bitch is back. I have energy

2:13

again. Right, Pat? My

2:16

brain. My

2:18

brain just started working again for the first

2:20

time in two years. Pat

2:22

and I just shot something that I had to

2:24

memorize for social media. How many takes that? Two

2:27

takes. Two takes. My brain

2:29

is back. I finally figured out how to get

2:31

my contacts in. I can see

2:33

and y'all are in trouble. If

2:36

I could just get the air conditioning to

2:38

work in here, we would be crack-a-lacking. All

2:41

right. So you guys are going. People

2:43

are saying that things are frozen, the

2:45

freezing. I honestly I

2:47

think this is your guys's internet. SPC

2:50

Global is at my house truly three

2:52

times a day. If this is

2:54

my Wi-Fi, I'm going to blow my brains out.

2:56

Well, we get to monetize from YouTube if I

2:58

say we're going to blow my brains out and

3:00

not fill Gates's. I

3:02

do. Please figure that out,

3:04

Pat. Thanks. I really appreciate it because I'm going

3:07

to threaten suicide a couple of times during this

3:09

episode. I just have a feeling. OK,

3:11

so I'm trying to get to everybody's questions. I

3:14

posted in my Instagram stories questions you guys wanted

3:16

me to answer. I wrote them down over here,

3:18

but I'm looking your I.G. responses

3:20

here. Will I become to Sacramento?

3:22

You guys. It means

3:24

so much to me when I do these I.G. lives and you guys

3:26

ask me where I'm going to be. But

3:29

you know, it's really going to blow your mind when

3:31

you just go to Whitney Cummings

3:34

dot com. It

3:36

will tell you every I

3:39

mean, look, I hear this website is great. I cannot wait

3:41

to see it. All the

3:43

information you need is right

3:45

there. I have yet to traverse Whitney

3:47

Cummings dot com. Little too

3:49

overwhelming to me to see all of my fall

3:52

dates. But yes, I'll be in Sacramento. Ball Sacramento.

3:54

Of course you'll be on my chin this

3:56

fall. OK, so if

3:58

you guys have questions. keep sending them

4:01

but I have a bunch here from my IG

4:04

stories, you know, I scrolled up and I really want

4:06

to prioritize them because a lot of them were very

4:08

thoughtful. Let's start with some

4:10

of these. Okay, so a lot of you guys had

4:12

the same question a lot. So I want to focus on

4:15

the most common ones. One

4:17

big one. Are you a Republican now? What?

4:21

Just because I'm wearing a maroon

4:24

Hawaiian shirt and

4:28

basically have a mullet and

4:30

a kid out of wedlock and

4:33

believe that airplanes leave chemtrails.

4:36

I'm a Republican all of a sudden. You

4:39

guys think I'm a Republican

4:41

just because I'm suspicious that

4:44

fluoride was put into tap

4:46

water to control our brains.

4:49

You think I'm

4:51

a Republican just

4:53

because I think the moon landing was

4:55

fake and a CIA killed today. Okay,

4:58

this episode is never going to

5:00

go on. Like the algorithm is already like

5:02

this bitch is out. This is

5:05

literally all the stuff you're not allowed to say on YouTube.

5:08

First of all, thank you for thinking I'm a

5:10

Republican. That must

5:12

mean that I'm stopped talking about the

5:14

Me Too movement for five minutes.

5:18

Here's what I'll say. I think people are

5:20

always trying to figure out my politics, myself

5:22

included. I have no idea what I am.

5:25

I don't like any of you

5:28

people. Republican,

5:30

Democrat, I don't do either of them. I don't

5:33

think we have any good choices. I

5:35

think at this point democracy is making

5:37

people choose the least worst. I

5:40

don't know Pat, would I be an independent at this

5:42

point? Or am I a citizen

5:44

of Canada? I don't know what I am.

5:47

What I will tell you is when you have a child, especially

5:54

not married and white trash

5:56

till I die, I... I

6:01

have started to get conservative thoughts. They

6:04

start creeping into your head as

6:06

you sort of look at your

6:08

baby. You

6:11

know, so for

6:13

example, I'm obviously, you know, pretty

6:16

pro-choice person, just none of my

6:18

business type of thing. But

6:21

once you have a kid, all of a sudden,

6:24

when you have a friend who's like five weeks pregnant, you're like,

6:26

you better have it. I

6:29

need a carpool, buddy. I

6:33

need someone to give this bassinet to. I spent

6:35

a bunch of money on it. You better have

6:37

that kid. You start wanting everyone to have kids with

6:39

you. Does that answer anybody's

6:42

question about anything? I'm

6:45

not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I

6:48

don't know what I am. I have no idea

6:50

what I'm gonna do. I don't

6:52

think any of us do. I think politics is

6:54

sports for dorks. We all know that. I'm doing

6:56

the best I can to just make the least

6:59

embarrassing decision for

7:01

this great country of ours, which

7:03

deserves more, quite frankly, how to

7:05

not have anxiety. Can

7:07

you guys stop with this? Stop with it. This

7:10

war on anxiety. Everyone's like, I have

7:12

anxiety. Yeah, you should. We

7:15

should all have anxiety, okay? We're all

7:17

being replaced by robots right this second.

7:20

Did you hear that Facebook had these

7:22

robots? Two of them were

7:24

put in the same room together within 30

7:26

seconds, they had their

7:29

own language. They were talking in their own language. As

7:32

far as I'm concerned, none of us, ow,

7:35

none of us have enough anxiety. If

7:37

you are crippled by anxiety on a

7:39

daily basis, I promise you do not

7:41

have enough anxiety based on what is

7:43

going on. This is an election year,

7:45

okay? You better

7:47

gear up for war. If

7:49

you don't have a bunker, a whole basement

7:51

full of canned food, and

7:54

the ability to calm

7:56

down and aim. The

8:00

way crocodile Dundee did with that water buffalo.

8:02

I really I really think we I think

8:04

we're all being pretty chill given the Circumstances

8:06

and all of this anxiety that we have

8:08

is pretty well earned. Do you know to bring

8:10

you back the woolly mammoths? Everyone

8:14

just thinks that's gonna go well You

8:17

know these Silicon

8:19

Valley tech dorks, okay, I thought that

8:22

only fans was gonna maybe fix the

8:24

tech dorks But no, they're still out

8:26

there these versions in Gray

8:29

Patagonia vests and Adderall are

8:31

like let's bring back the woolly mammoth. Oh

8:33

great So we're gonna have to watch

8:36

some 14 year old tick tock are

8:38

getting paled by a woolly mammoth in

8:40

New Jersey We're gonna have to

8:42

have that in our hippocampus for the rest of our

8:44

lives. Like I No one

8:46

gets I don't think we have enough anxiety

8:49

I think we need to take everybody off

8:51

their anxiety medication and just see if any

8:53

problems get solved actually Should we do that

8:55

doesn't get me in so much trouble? What

8:58

if we just all went off of

9:00

the medications that are sedating us? Okay,

9:03

I'm not talking about like like schizophrenia

9:06

serious like clinical depression where you can't get

9:08

out of bed You guys know that's not

9:10

what I'm talking about. I'm on 20 milligrams of

9:12

Prozac and trust me I have to be you

9:14

saw me during the pandemic Okay,

9:17

the only way for me to stay a brunette is

9:19

to be on 20 milligrams of Prozac So

9:22

because sometimes these you know You

9:25

know because I went to this one doctor and I was like,

9:27

you know I think I have a little bit of OCD and

9:29

I get kind of like obsessive thoughts and I get focused on

9:31

something and I Can't stop thinking about it. And then I'm like

9:34

kind of collect things I'm hoarding all these you know and he

9:36

said he's like are all any of these like superpowers that kind

9:38

of work for you and I Had

9:40

never even thought about that It had only occurred

9:42

to me to pathologize myself and to be like

9:45

I'm crazy like just to think

9:47

about myself What everyone on reddit? Types

9:50

about me on a daily basis. Um So

9:55

What if we all just went off of

9:57

our medication and just see if anything get

10:00

solved. Because right now we're really

10:02

sedating a lot of anxious OCD

10:05

people that might be able to get a lot of s*** just

10:07

for like a week and just

10:09

see. Because it's, I'm just, I'm

10:11

just saying a lot of people that

10:13

should be more anxious, that could

10:15

be solving these problems are on a lot of medications

10:17

that are taking their anxiety away and I don't need

10:20

the person that's going to stop the woolly mammoth from

10:22

coming back to life to be napping all day. We

10:25

need him up. This

10:29

is already off the rails.

10:31

How does someone land a milf like

10:34

yourself? It's really not that difficult. Honestly,

10:38

just come to my shows and ask me out

10:40

on the date. I mean,

10:42

that's what works

10:44

the last guy.

10:46

Don't have a man bun. Don't

10:49

wear a V next. Don't talk about ketosis.

10:52

Be on top. I'm

10:55

just not an on top type of bitch. That's

10:57

just not my thing. Don't

11:01

ask me to make a

11:03

lot of decisions because you

11:05

think I'm a girl boss.

11:07

Like be chivalrous

11:09

in a way that's like

11:11

decisive. Pick a lane. You

11:14

know what I mean? Like

11:17

this whole thing where guys are afraid to be

11:19

chivalrous because they think we're going to like meet

11:21

to you or something. Like it's not, no one's, I

11:23

mean, we can't air this.

11:25

Okay. Do you believe in ghosts?

11:28

Okay. Here's my thing about ghosts. Whoever just

11:31

asked me that. What's your name? Sorry. I

11:33

already lost you. Christie face. Did

11:37

it ghost right there? Here's

11:40

the thing about ghosts. My big problem

11:42

with ghosts is whether they exist or

11:44

not, celebrities have ruined their existence. Like,

11:47

have you noticed that the most famous celebrities, like

11:49

the richest people on the planet believe in ghosts.

11:51

And whenever they go on like talk shows or

11:53

podcasts, they talk about ghosts.

11:56

Like that's their go to story to

11:58

like that they talk to. with their

12:00

publicist to make them likable. You're about to

12:02

go promote your big Marvel movie. Talk about

12:04

the ghost in your house. Like, make

12:07

sure to be relatable. First of all, like,

12:09

house, first of all. And

12:13

when they talk about the ghost that

12:15

is haunting them, you

12:18

realize that they just

12:20

have help and

12:24

are probably on drugs. They'll be like, okay,

12:26

so I was in my house. And

12:29

then my purse, I had put it on

12:32

the table in the foyer, what

12:34

the f*** is a foyer? I

12:36

had put it on the table. And then two

12:38

hours later, my purse was in the living room.

12:42

Everyone's like, yeah, your cleaning lady moved it,

12:45

you idiot. Yeah,

12:47

your assistant probably moved your

12:49

purse, dumbass. They're

12:51

like, I was in my house and I heard footsteps

12:54

upstairs, didn't

12:56

know what it was. That's your cleaning lady. Go

12:59

introduce yourself, go say hi. And pay

13:01

her more, how about that? Like, I

13:04

was sitting in my house and

13:06

the curtains and the windows started

13:09

blowing. Again, bitch,

13:11

you live in Malibu. I don't know what to tell

13:13

you. Ghosts,

13:15

do I believe in them? I

13:18

mean, when I was

13:21

a kid, I have one experience. I

13:23

talked about this, Kesha had a ghost

13:25

hunting show on, did you see me

13:29

just trying to think of what a channel was?

13:35

As if there's any more channels, my brain was

13:37

like, did it, hulu,

13:39

voodoo, zoodoo, woo-wee, fubu, Nike.

13:42

Well, they have like, Paramount Plus,

13:44

I think. It's probably

13:46

now on some other channel that doesn't exist anymore. You

13:50

know what? I know the

13:52

ghosts of TV channels past. You

13:55

know what, you know what ghosts I believe in?

13:57

And me too, see. So

14:01

when I was a kid, I was in a

14:03

place called Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, which is where

14:05

a hotel that my dad managed was at. It's

14:08

where many, many

14:10

things, Google Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, fascinating place. If

14:12

you're a history dork, spent a lot of time

14:14

there as a kid. And that's

14:17

why West Virginia signs all over the place. No one else

14:19

can try to figure it out. I think people are just

14:21

like, is she trying to make herself relatable? But

14:23

so Harpers Ferry is super haunted. A lot

14:25

of Civil War stuff there. And

14:29

I was in the Hilltop House

14:33

in Harpers Ferry. And I

14:35

was like scared one night

14:37

of just, that was just my own thoughts,

14:39

not of zombies or, look,

14:42

ghosts, when you have my inner monologue, nothing's scary.

14:44

If I saw a ghost, I'd be like, oh,

14:47

thank God. Can

14:49

you please talk to me so I can get out of my

14:51

own haunted house of a head? And

14:54

I remember seeing like

14:57

a woman in a nightgown, like

15:01

a long nightgown with lace and

15:03

stuff. It might

15:05

have just been a woman in a nightgown. And

15:12

I look back and now that I have a

15:14

child, I feel like a lot of things that

15:16

happened to us as kids can be explained by

15:18

like, maybe my mom just gave

15:21

me some Benadryl. You

15:23

know what I mean? Like maybe

15:26

that was, like I'm

15:28

sure there's some explanation for it,

15:31

but I remember it very vividly. So

15:33

maybe I was sleepwalking. Maybe

15:36

my mom like

15:38

slit me. I mean, back

15:40

then, like they fully gave me like

15:42

Bailey's and like that to like go

15:45

to sleep. Like I had insomnia like very, very young

15:47

as a kid. So maybe I was just based

15:49

at six. He's wearing

15:51

a nightgown. That's what's

15:53

weird about it. Isn't it weird that anytime

15:55

someone wears a nightgown, you assume they're dead.

16:00

That's what's so weird about it. So I was like,

16:02

I was like, this must have not been a real lady

16:04

in a nightgown. This must be a woman who's

16:07

been dead for 300 years because she's

16:09

wearing a long nightgown because it's the

16:11

only explanation because they did sleeping in

16:13

a nightgown. It would be like a straight

16:15

jacket. But like this was West Virginia and

16:17

like the mid 80s. So

16:20

maybe some bitch was just wearing a nightgown. You

16:22

know what I mean? But like to

16:25

me, it's a more likely scenario that it

16:27

was like a spirit from

16:29

the Civil War coming to

16:31

chat with me. Hi from

16:33

Italy. Hi what I dated Ginger. Hell

16:35

yeah, I would date Ginger dude. I love angry

16:37

people. I feel like gingers

16:40

are great at sex because they're just pissed at

16:42

all times. I don't know if it's from the

16:44

sunburn. I don't know what it is. But I

16:46

date Santino. Well, he's married. So no,

16:48

I would not date Santino. How do I get into

16:50

comedy? Have a terrible

16:52

childhood. Godspeed.

16:56

Hey y'all. Whitney

16:58

here and it's 2024. And

17:00

I think we need to stop right now and

17:02

talk about something important. Should we

17:05

talk about the fact that it looks like there's

17:07

cream cheese on my glasses? No, that's not what we're

17:09

going to talk about. Should we talk about the

17:11

fact that my glasses, because of all the oil

17:13

that I put on my face, murk

17:15

them up so much that I actually

17:17

see worse wearing glasses? No. Let's

17:20

try to talk about my shiny

17:22

face and murky glasses and

17:25

incredibly well lit set. We are

17:27

going to talk about you and whether

17:30

you've been injured by another. Because if you

17:32

have, you deserve to be paid because life

17:34

can be crazy sometimes. It

17:36

can be whack a doodle. It can

17:38

be down right nutty.

17:42

And one person's negligence that can result in

17:44

another person's settlement. If you're in an accident,

17:47

not calling a lawyer means that you could

17:49

be leaving money on the table. Certainly

17:51

not this table because there's no room for anything else

17:54

on the table in my podcast studio. But

17:57

you could be doing that when you're seriously hurt. Your

17:59

injury could. be worth millions of dollars.

18:01

So if you're ever injured, make sure

18:03

to check out Morgan and Morgan. It's

18:06

in America's number one injury

18:08

law firm. You think I mess around over here

18:10

with number two and three injury law

18:13

firms? Okay, would I be wearing

18:15

a pink neon mini cowboy hat that

18:17

I bought for my baby? It just

18:19

fell on my chin. If

18:21

I mess around with other legal

18:24

people, no, not

18:27

this guy. Number one only

18:29

with over $20 billion. That's

18:31

a comical amount of money.

18:34

Like that's a great... You know how much money

18:36

that is? If you don't

18:38

use Morgan and Morgan, how about this? You're

18:41

dumb. They obviously know what they're

18:43

doing. They have 500,000 clients. Morgan

18:45

and Morgan has a proven track record

18:48

of fighting to get you full and

18:50

fair compensation, submitting an easy claim. They

18:53

make it easy over there.

18:55

It's so easy. Putting

18:57

on a mini cowboy hat during a podcast

19:00

ad read, that's hard. But

19:02

submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan,

19:04

that is easy. If you're ever injured and

19:06

you can check out Morgan and Morgan, their

19:08

fee is free unless they

19:11

win. For more Morgan

19:13

and Morgan, go to

19:16

forthepeople.com.com or dial

19:18

pound law pound. My glasses really are making

19:20

it so I can't see a goddamn thing. I'm

19:22

trying to clean them, but every time I clean them, I'm going

19:25

to clean them so that I can read this. Pound

19:27

law, pound five to nine from

19:30

your cell phone. That's for F-O-R

19:32

thepeople.com/Whitney or pound law pound five

19:34

to nine from your cell phone.

19:37

This is a paid advertisement. All

19:40

right, next up. So you guys know, you know

19:42

me, you know that I am not

19:45

exactly the paragon

19:48

of quintessential health. No fault of mine.

19:51

Just I make bad decisions

19:53

and have trash genetics. That's pretty much it.

19:55

And it seems like I am

19:57

going from doctor to doctor. It is a full. My

20:01

health care situation is kind of a full-time job.

20:03

I had a child, so I was going to the

20:05

doctor, I mean, at least a

20:07

couple times a day. If you have a child over

20:09

the age of 35, they make you

20:11

go in, you know, quite often. I

20:14

recently had a sinus. Well,

20:17

I had an ear infection that I thought was

20:19

a ear infection, but it was

20:21

actually a sinus thing, and I had to go to an ENT, and

20:23

then I had to go to an NT, and then

20:25

I had to go to a T. And

20:28

then I went to a rheumatologist for no reason

20:30

at all, and then I had dental work done,

20:32

which knocked me. The point is, life

20:35

is a nightmare, okay? And

20:37

humans, we all have a terminal illness,

20:40

okay? The second we're born, we

20:42

start dying. So enter Zock-Zock, the

20:44

place where you can find and

20:46

book doctors who will make you

20:48

feel comfortable and actually listen to you.

20:50

We're not talking about a few, we're talking about tens of thousands

20:52

of doctors, all with verified patient reviews, that

20:54

you can make sure vibe.

20:57

Like you want to make sure your doctor vibes with you, you know what I

20:59

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21:01

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21:03

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21:05

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21:08

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21:27

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21:30

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21:32

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21:36

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21:38

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22:53

Laura Espinoza had asked, has any deeply

22:55

stored trauma been coming up after having

22:57

a kid? This is a really good

22:59

question. Because, well,

23:02

first of all, you guys, you know how

23:04

much I hate talking about ancestral trauma. I

23:06

mean, it is written on my sneakers. It's

23:08

written on my sneakers today. Pat got

23:11

me the sneakers. It says ancestral

23:14

trauma. So

23:18

I had read in

23:21

Tina Fey's book, which is actually one of

23:23

y'all's questions. What are your favorite comedian memoirs?

23:27

Tina Fey's Bossy Pants is one of my

23:29

favorites. And I'll answer the rest in a

23:31

second. But she had written about how, you know,

23:33

she has that the scar on

23:35

her face. She talked about in some, I think

23:38

it was Vanity Fair about what happened to her. And I

23:40

hope I don't get this wrong. But I think

23:43

like some meth head just ran up to her

23:45

and like cut her face like something just heart

23:47

or just horrendous, horrendous, horrendous, right. So

23:50

wherever she lived at the time is

23:52

basically the same as California right now.

23:54

Just meth heads running around with swords.

23:57

And she went to

24:00

a therapist about it or her therapist

24:02

told her that when her child turned

24:04

the age that she

24:06

was when that happened to her, she

24:08

might just kind of lose her mind. You know,

24:11

because it was like, you know, we're wired whatever

24:13

to be wary of

24:15

threats, you know, I don't know,

24:17

you explain why that's someone smarter than me

24:19

about that. I keep trying to pull

24:21

my shirt up to cover the fact that this doesn't

24:23

have a button, but no one gives a shit. So

24:25

I have found

24:29

myself so when I was about a year old, this

24:31

story changes a lot. That's the other thing about like,

24:34

lore of trauma that happened to you when

24:36

you were a kid, your parents are going

24:38

to minimize it a little bit. And

24:41

after the game of telephone keeps changing. So

24:43

there was always this story in my family

24:45

that when I was a year

24:48

old, I took

24:50

a painkiller at a neighbor's

24:53

house, who had just

24:55

had a back surgery, I was

24:57

crawling around on the floor, he had spilled it.

25:00

We already know this isn't true. Because when

25:03

you've had a back surgery, and there's an

25:05

oxycontin or whatever on the you know, what

25:08

was the neighbor kid visiting what

25:10

no, I was at the neighbor's house. There's a

25:12

trust me, as I get older, I now

25:14

realize how many holes are in this story. So the

25:17

story was that I was crawling around, I ate

25:20

a painkiller that a

25:22

person with a back surgery had dropped on the floor,

25:24

but you were visiting their house for why I was

25:26

visiting their house because I was one years old and

25:28

I wanted to go hang out. Back

25:31

surgery crawling over. I didn't even think

25:33

about it. I

25:35

didn't even think about it. One

25:40

year old over here to go over, you know,

25:42

there's nothing someone on a bunch of drugs wants

25:46

more than a screaming baby. None

25:48

of it may none of it adds up.

25:51

This is a story I was always told.

25:54

And that I died I

25:56

flatlined. Okay, totally flatlined. I

25:59

believe in ghosts I am one. I died. I'm

26:01

dead. I'm a dad for 40 years. And

26:04

so, so this is the story that was

26:06

told. I go to the

26:08

hospital. I'm gone. They put

26:10

charcoal, I guess back then they put charcoal

26:12

down your throat. Now

26:14

influencers do it

26:16

with toothpaste. And then

26:19

come back to life or whatever, right? So almost

26:21

died this whole story. I

26:23

tell my therapist the story as we're getting

26:26

into trauma stuff. Because I was like,

26:28

please, okay. Because I

26:31

come from so many alcoholics, drug addiction and

26:34

stuff. I'm very like with

26:36

people and like don't take that and

26:38

that together. I'm very sort of overly

26:40

protective and don't take antibiotics. If you're

26:42

on antibiotics, you can't make

26:44

sure you don't have any mouthwash. I've

26:46

always kind of... And then when

26:48

I got a little too addicted to

26:50

weed over the pandemic, I was telling my therapist, I

26:52

was kind of like, I might need to like get

26:55

sober. Like, you know, I don't

26:57

know, kind of saying we're talking about it. And then I told her

26:59

the story that I just told that

27:01

I just shared with you guys on this Misty

27:03

Sunday in April. And

27:06

she just went, yeah, that's not what happened. And

27:10

I was like, what do you mean that's not

27:12

what happened? Like, that's what I was told by

27:15

my alcoholic parents. Okay.

27:18

I think I would know what happened

27:20

to me when I was one. And

27:22

she's like, yeah, none of that adds

27:24

up. Like, that isn't what happened like at

27:26

all. Then I was like, why don't

27:28

I just call my uncle and ask him? Let me

27:31

just like see like, she's like, you need to find

27:33

out what happened. Like, you know, this seems pretty wild.

27:35

And he went, oh, yeah. You

27:41

gotta love an uncle who has no idea.

27:43

He's the best. I call that. I was

27:45

like, Hey, so remember when I went to

27:47

the hospital when I was a year old

27:49

and like almost died? He was like, Oh,

27:51

yeah, when you took a Quaalude at the

27:53

belly dancer's house. Like, wait, what? I

28:00

said, the neighbor's house, who had the bag surgery. And

28:02

he was like, why would you go to a neighbor's

28:04

house who had a bag surgery? I was like, I

28:06

don't know. This was back when you

28:08

could lie to kids, I guess, and get away

28:11

with it. I don't know. And

28:13

I was like, what do you mean? And he was like,

28:15

oh yeah, your dad was cheating

28:17

on your mom with a belly dancer. And

28:21

there was a quaalude on the floor,

28:23

and you took it, and whatever.

28:26

Even that explanation

28:28

made me hurt. But wait, that doesn't

28:31

even. Yeah. Like, one thing

28:33

I do know about people that take a lot of

28:35

drugs is they don't just let them fall on the floor. They

28:38

usually make sure they get into their

28:40

gullet. So yeah, so

28:42

many questions, whatever. The point is, when I was

28:44

a year old, I took some kind of

28:47

bad drug that was on the floor, it was a pill that was on

28:49

the floor, and I almost died. I

28:51

am finding myself not thinking

28:53

really about corners, because

28:56

everyone's like, you need a baby, baby.

28:59

You need the speech impediment. We've only had two so far,

29:01

and it's been what, half an hour? So

29:05

I am finding myself very obsessive about

29:07

what's on the floor. I'm

29:09

finding myself being very, just kind of like,

29:11

you know? And

29:14

so maybe it's that. Does that answer your

29:16

question about my ancestral trauma coming up? Because

29:18

my baby is almost five months old, and

29:20

I'm finding myself trying

29:23

to figure out where I'm gonna put the dogs, medications.

29:27

which ones I do. Like, I

29:29

need to put them in a drawer behind a thing with

29:31

a lock, like that's the thing I'm thinking about. I'm not

29:33

really worried about corners of tables. I'm not

29:35

really like, I mean, I live in California,

29:37

so I'm a little worried about pedophiles. But

29:41

other than that, I think that's, like,

29:43

is that a normal thing, do you think, Pat? Like, did you worry

29:45

about that a lot? As soon as he starts

29:47

moving on his own, you're gonna start worrying about

29:49

corners and stuff. Really? Yeah. If my child can't

29:51

survive a corner, I mean, we

29:54

have bigger problems. They basically will

29:56

walk around or move around the

29:58

house and And almost

30:01

every movement is demonstrating what

30:03

you need to fix. Babies

30:05

are just suicidal. There's a

30:07

drop of cloth with a

30:09

glass on here. Oh, well, maybe I'm doing this all

30:12

wrong. If my baby just took an Oxycontin off the

30:14

floor, it wouldn't hurt when he slams his head on the corner of

30:16

the table. Maybe my

30:18

dad was actually just trying to out. Maybe

30:20

my dad was just trying to sedate me so that

30:22

he could cheat on my mom like an adult. Maybe

30:25

my dad was an amazing father. Maybe

30:27

he was a ghost. Yeah. Yeah,

30:30

I hate you. Favorite memoir from

30:33

a comedian. I already said Bossy Pants, Tina Fey, love

30:35

them. I mean, I can tell you which ones I

30:37

don't think. You need to buy Woody

30:39

Allen. I'm good. I

30:42

had a Woody Allen's books, but I don't know.

30:44

Like I just, I'm so, again, you know, my

30:46

take on men like are like, I'm

30:49

scared of watsers. And

30:51

I'm attracted to my family members. Like I'm

30:53

good. And Steve Martin's

30:55

like, there's a documentary on Steve Martin that just

30:58

came out, which I'm excited about. by

31:01

his memoir. Okay.

31:05

Because I'm just gonna say it, I don't give

31:07

a shit. And I know Steve Martin's watching this

31:09

because he is a huge fan and I just

31:11

broke his heart. Here's

31:14

the thing. I just, I

31:16

wrote a memoir. I

31:19

love that I got rid of it. Where do

31:21

they go? Wait, they're flying off the shelves. Literally.

31:25

Where are they? I mean, they did. Oh, ghosts.

31:28

The ghost took off my head. It just felt so

31:30

corny to have my books behind me. Like the publisher

31:32

asked though, they're like, can you put your books behind

31:34

you on your podcast? And I was like, oh, I

31:36

guess I could do that. But then I would have

31:39

to move my 92 labyrinth

31:41

sculptures in 55 horse figurines,

31:43

which I'm unwilling to do,

31:45

ma'am. So

31:47

I just

31:50

feel like in my book, I

31:53

try to be so forthcoming and

31:55

share so, I mean, the stuff

31:57

that I wrote about was so embarrassing. my

32:00

addictions, I wrote about my eating disorders,

32:02

I wrote about sexual

32:05

assaults that happened to me, I

32:07

don't mean to brag. So

32:09

I guess I just like for me, I like, I

32:12

don't know, I feel like if you're gonna ask someone

32:14

to buy your book, which is like 20 something

32:16

bucks and give you a I mean, they

32:18

can be listening to your audiobook, obviously, but

32:20

give you like, I don't know, how long

32:22

does it take to read a book, like six

32:25

months that

32:28

you should really pour your heart out. That's

32:30

just my philosophy, you know,

32:32

and also give like valuable information. So I

32:34

did a whole chapter on like, all the

32:36

therapists I had been to about different things,

32:38

trauma, you know, ancestral trauma, the 12 step programs, I

32:41

had been through like, and I wanted to be like

32:43

the Robin Hood of self help, where I was like,

32:45

I'm going to take all the stuff that I learned

32:47

and put it in this book, like,

32:49

because I spent all this money on it. And I don't want you

32:51

guys to have just been money on it. And let me just distill

32:53

this into all the wisdom that I got kind of

32:55

thing. Um, so I guess

32:58

I just expect everyone to have like embarrassed

33:00

themselves as much as I did, and to have

33:02

worked as hard on it as I did or

33:04

something like that. But that's

33:06

just me. And then the book, I don't

33:08

know if you know, my book came

33:10

out the day of the Vegas

33:12

shooting. Which

33:16

means I'm the real victim here. So that

33:20

was hard for me. What

33:22

is that for me? It

33:24

was it was such a disaster. I mean, it was like,

33:27

when I tell you, I poured my heart into my

33:29

book, like, talking about my eating disorders,

33:33

and then the and I'm sitting in here

33:35

and makeup at the today's show or whatever,

33:37

like, Google what the

33:39

today's show is. It

33:42

was a show where Katie Kirk just had the

33:44

biggest calves you've ever seen. And

33:47

she flirted with a sexual predator

33:49

named Matt Lauer. God,

33:54

why can't anyone get their together? I

33:57

like Katie Kirk, by the way, she's dope. What's

34:00

wrong with you? You know that he's also by the way on

34:03

What's it called? TikTok like dancing in

34:05

the Hamptons with his daughter. Like what

34:08

is everyone? Pull

34:10

it together Can

34:13

you just not have

34:15

a button under your desk So

34:18

you can get blown by interns. I

34:21

mean, I know a couple I

34:23

know a couple call girls They're

34:26

hot They're funny.

34:28

It needs to be even more

34:30

convenient. What I like how convenient

34:32

You need someone blowing you under

34:34

your desk while you're writing a

34:36

brief about Afghanistan What

34:38

the fuck is wrong with you? I'm

34:41

not like but also someone that button

34:43

he had to like call Okay, I've tried to

34:45

get things done in my home Some

34:47

task rabbit or whoever the fuck he was like, I

34:49

need a button to clock the door and

34:51

we're fine with it You

34:54

know how long it would take me to get a button to

34:56

put here to lock this door pat Now

34:58

how many people I'd have to call you know, how many

35:01

Ghostbusters I'd have to call So

35:03

someone like an NBC maintenance was like, yeah, listen, well,

35:05

you know, what do you do? Oh, yeah, I gotta

35:07

go install the button under Matt Lowers desk so that

35:09

he can get his balls licked by interns like, huh

35:14

I'm not even mad at the psychopaths anymore. I'm mad

35:16

at all the people around them that like help them

35:18

Why do I keep elbowing this? I need a new

35:20

throne I Need

35:22

a new throne pat Okay,

35:25

who had the button Oh P maddy four four four four

35:28

four four four four four four is asking it was not

35:30

Matt Lauer had a button under his desk, right Allegedly

35:33

Matt Matt. Oh Maddie

35:36

just Allegedly

35:42

sorry the alleged button

35:46

God okay. Sorry have

35:48

Trump on your podcast not Hollywood fags

35:52

Felt the need to read that let you guys

35:54

know that in between the questions I

35:56

get a spattering of things I would love to

35:58

have on the back I'd love

36:01

to have Trump on. I'd love to have Biden

36:03

and all his clones. I'd

36:06

love to have Kamala on. She sounds like, she

36:08

seems like a real party, dude. Kamala

36:11

makes less sense when she talks than

36:13

I did during the pandemic. I mean,

36:15

this country, greatest

36:17

country in the world. It's

36:20

a f***ing wreck. Okay, birth

36:23

story. Do you guys really want to know my birth story?

36:27

Should I tell it? It's not that big of

36:29

a story. It's just, I mean, it is kind of

36:31

fascinating because I guess everyone's just so different. Okay,

36:33

so my birth story was

36:35

like not that exciting. Like my whole thing

36:38

is just like I didn't die and

36:40

that's the story, you know? I was

36:43

down for anything. I didn't want to be one of those people

36:45

that was like planning a C-section, even though there's nothing wrong with

36:47

that. I really wanted to try to do it vaginal in

36:51

case I wanted to have another kid afterwards or

36:53

something. Went

36:55

in. I

36:58

don't know, put up Christmas lights because Jimmy Kimmel

37:00

told me I should. I

37:03

need to work on this story. And then

37:05

I induced, that's important.

37:10

And then like I got the

37:13

epidural. Yes, the anesthesiologist did

37:15

ask me for a photo while I was

37:17

f***ing faced. And

37:20

then started pushing. Baby was pretty quick. Actually,

37:22

this is, I guess, what's interesting. So baby

37:24

wouldn't come out because my post is too

37:26

tight or whatever. And

37:30

he was like, what's

37:32

this called? Waivering, like going back

37:34

and forth. For not

37:36

perseverating, that's when it's mental. But he was just

37:38

like, he would start coming out and then we'll get pulled back.

37:40

So I'm gonna, I was getting really stressed out. So

37:44

she then said, we need

37:46

to get out the vacuum, okay? And

37:48

she's like, can we vacuum? And

37:51

I was like, yeah, of course. Like vacuum his

37:53

head. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna have a conehead baby. Although

37:56

that wasn't one of my favorite movies growing up because

37:58

my dad looked exactly like dad, Akroid. different story for

38:00

another day. And so then

38:03

she's like, we need to do the vacuum. And

38:05

I'm like, cool. And like

38:08

five people walk in the room with like

38:10

paperwork for me to like sign. And I was

38:12

just like, I'm not. Add

38:16

vacuum. How many people have sued

38:18

you? It

38:21

felt like the most LA. I'm

38:23

like, what kind of asshole after you

38:25

vacuumed or did what the doctor had

38:27

to do, then later was like, I'm

38:30

suing you because my bed has had.

38:32

Well, their skin will look like it's a

38:34

beanie. Their skin will look like a beanie.

38:36

After they do the vacuum on some babies,

38:38

their skin gets like a big. Is it

38:40

alive or not? Yeah, really. Look,

38:44

some, I mean, is that what happened to Clay

38:46

Aiken? Is that why his head look, I don't

38:48

know. Hot

38:50

reference guys. You

38:53

got any Ruben Sutter jokes? I

39:00

love it because in my head I was

39:02

like, don't offend anyone like relevant. And I'm

39:04

just like, Steve Martin. I've

39:08

just come after so many people in this

39:10

live that can sue me that I'm just

39:12

like trying to like, so

39:16

I was just like, you guys, you

39:19

need a better system. You know what they

39:21

needed? A button. Can

39:23

you guys have a button installed where

39:26

I can just automatically sign it? Because

39:28

right now my body is breaking in

39:30

half. I really don't have time to

39:32

read the fine print of whatever this

39:34

contract is that I'm signing. So

39:37

she starts vacuuming, that doesn't work.

39:39

And then she's like, I'm gonna need to cut you.

39:41

I have an episiotomy. At

39:43

which point my gynecologist pulls out

39:47

the biggest scissors I've ever

39:49

seen. Like,

39:51

you know the scissors the mayor uses

39:53

to open a new store? Like

39:56

if they're opening like a new car dealership.

40:00

Lido, they might as well have to like act me on

40:02

the side. Like

40:06

they were just these like cartoon

40:08

scissors and

40:11

to make a two inch incision, I

40:14

don't know what's going on. So then baby finally

40:16

comes out and you know how like when

40:18

you see in like movies or whatever, the

40:20

baby will come up to the chest. He

40:23

only like came out to my belly button.

40:25

I guess he had an unusually short umbilical

40:27

cord. I don't

40:29

know what that even means. I

40:32

don't know what I did wrong during my

40:34

pregnancy. Have you

40:36

even heard of that? I have

40:38

not. I haven't heard of it. I'm usually

40:40

long one either. That one too. You're

40:43

really good at spinning ship, Pat. I'm

40:47

just trying to frame it. I appreciate

40:49

that. I appreciate you

40:52

doing that. I don't know, maybe whatever. I took a couple

40:54

of Advil when I was pregnant. I'm just going to say

40:56

it. Okay. I broke some of the rules. I ate some

40:58

brie cheese. I had some sushi. So

41:00

maybe it was that. But so he

41:02

was just being pulled back basically every time

41:04

he came out, whatever,

41:07

or maybe I'm an unusually long person. I

41:09

don't know what it is. And then comes

41:11

up, they stitched me up. Is

41:13

there anything else? Oh

41:15

no, this turned up. Oh, and then I don't

41:19

remember the rest. I was on literal drugs.

41:23

I went to the other room

41:27

and his first visitor was

41:29

Sia. Sia came and he was crying his head

41:32

off. And Sia came

41:34

and while

41:36

he was having something done because they do all these tests, she

41:38

was like singing to him. And

41:40

then I was like just on

41:43

drugs. I don't know. I just went cheap

41:45

thrills. I was like on whatever drug made me want

41:47

to hear cheap thrills. I

41:49

was in cheap thrills zone, Sia. And I

41:51

was like, sing cheap thrills. And she sang

41:53

it and he immediately stopped crying. And

41:57

then I could not. I

42:00

understand all the overhead lighting. I know that's shocking

42:02

given how much you guys make fun of how

42:04

lit this podcast studio was. Like

42:06

it was just driving me nuts that every time

42:08

my baby would fall asleep, someone

42:11

would come in and turn the lights. It was just driving

42:13

me nuts. So I got out of there in under 24 hours. Is

42:16

that a good, and then I feel like I'm about to get a bill. I

42:19

just feel a bill coming. It

42:21

feels too good to be true that I just got in

42:23

and out of a hospital without

42:26

like a 10,000, the

42:28

bill come at some point. A

42:30

lot of people like 18 months later, I'll get hit

42:32

with like $40,000. Can

42:36

you imagine? Look, let's all just

42:38

cut the. Okay. None of us are

42:40

eating right. We all know this. Go to

42:42

any airport. You see people like deep throating,

42:45

the MSG, just nightmare

42:48

buns, just hell burgers.

42:50

Okay. We're all eating garbage. None

42:52

of us are getting enough protein.

42:54

Okay. Everyone's hangry. Is there eating

42:57

a bunch of synthetic? I'm

43:00

not going to go down that rabbit hole. I was

43:02

just about to go down about a guy named mill

43:05

mates. Hey, didn't do it.

43:08

I believe I deserve an award. The

43:10

point is we're not getting enough protein.

43:12

Okay. Protein powers your body. It powers your

43:14

brain. And if you don't get enough of

43:17

it, you're acting, you act dumb. Okay.

43:19

And I can't deal with you people anymore. So I need

43:22

you guys to get on the bandwagon. Okay.

43:25

There is a new item.

43:30

It's so weird because I genuinely

43:32

use this product and I feel

43:34

like I'm, because we're shooting

43:36

over zoom right now, I feel like I'm having to

43:38

read, but I just don't want to get this wrong

43:40

because sometimes I say like, this is the reason I

43:42

got pregnant. And they're like, you're not allowed to like

43:45

legally say that. So I'm going to try to just

43:47

like stick to the copy somewhat because

43:49

I do think, okay, they're beef

43:51

jerky sticks. Okay. Look,

43:54

let's say you're, you want to

43:56

manage your weight. You want a better metabolism, regulate

43:58

your hormones. Who me? I

44:00

don't cry in my car twice a day. Bone

44:03

health, okay, the benefits of a high protein

44:05

diet, they're abundant. Most of us are not

44:08

getting enough protein. We all know this

44:10

because I just said it and I'm a real

44:12

live doctor. So Chomps

44:14

is like a beef jerky stick.

44:17

It has zero sugar, 12 grams

44:19

of protein, it's low carb, and

44:21

it's freaking delicious, dude. They

44:23

come in three types of meat, grass-fed

44:26

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44:28

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44:30

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44:32

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44:34

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44:38

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44:40

They come in 10 delicious, bold flavors. So there's

44:43

a healthy snack option for everyone or grab a

44:45

variety pack. You can have a little bit of

44:47

everything. There's even smaller little chumplings

44:49

for a quick snack

44:52

for the kids in your life. Oh,

44:54

my little dumpling is going to be eating

44:56

those chumplings. The thousands of

44:58

five-star reviews, snackers around the world

45:00

are satisfied because they have

45:03

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45:05

better, you can order online, have them delivered

45:07

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45:10

now, today, Chomps is

45:12

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Whitney. Go to chomps.com slash

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free shipping. The

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chomping's on me. chompschomps.com/Whitney.

45:35

Don't forget to use

45:37

our link. Get

45:40

it? So

45:42

they know we sent you. All right, let's actually

45:44

cut this. You

45:46

have to do promo code

45:48

Whitney. chompschomps.com/Whitney. Okay, and

45:50

you got to put my name on there

45:53

and credit our show because I'm sick of

45:55

Bobby Lee and Bobby Santino. Whatever their names

45:57

are, do me good at this point. ads

46:00

and getting all the money, getting all the ad reads and

46:02

all they do is show their buttholes. You want to see

46:04

my butthole? I'd love to show

46:06

it for you, but I just had a child and

46:09

right now I can't find it. chomps.com/Whitney.

46:15

Thankfully, this show is brought to you

46:18

by BetterHelp, which I'm going to need

46:20

to schedule appointments for after I just

46:22

went on a little rage bender about

46:24

male podcasters.

46:27

And here's the thing. Look, I've talked

46:29

about BetterHelp before. I know that you might

46:32

not trust that I actually use it because I'm

46:34

wearing a tiny cowboy hat on my head.

46:36

But this is called being

46:38

unapologetic. Okay, and it took

46:41

me a long time in therapy to

46:43

be unapologetic. Or if I may, to

46:45

just apologize for things when I actually did

46:47

something wrong. I used to have apology dyslexia,

46:49

like I would just move through the

46:51

world and like, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, just

46:54

apologetic for my existence. But when I actually did do

46:56

something wrong, I didn't know how to apologize because I thought

46:58

it would mean that I was weak or

47:00

admitting that I was like bad or something

47:02

so I wouldn't take responsibility for my behavior.

47:04

And recently, as in

47:09

yesterday ish, we figured out that that

47:11

was something that I need to work

47:13

on and BetterHelp and

47:15

therapy in general has helped me to

47:17

just be more self aware. And today,

47:20

for example, I had a really rough phone

47:22

call and someone had a lot of feelings.

47:24

And before therapy, I would

47:26

have said like calm down, I would

47:28

have said, I would have

47:30

gotten defensive, I wouldn't have said relax,

47:33

I might have told a woman to relax, I'm not a

47:35

psychopath. But I

47:37

would have tried to jump in and

47:39

take care of her feelings. And

47:43

her her having feelings would

47:45

have used to in the past before therapy

47:47

made me feel like I

47:49

was being accused of causing

47:52

her feelings. And today,

47:54

because of therapy, the

47:56

muscle that I've worked in

47:59

therapy to be able just go like, Oh, this

48:02

isn't my problem to solve right now.

48:04

I can just listen to her feelings

48:06

like therapy taught me that

48:10

I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility that I feel

48:12

the need to solve other people's problems before you solve

48:14

a problem. First, make sure it's your problem. And

48:16

therapy taught me that. So today I

48:18

just listened. And I let her blather

48:20

on about whatever dumb ass bullsh** she

48:22

was upset about. That

48:25

had nothing to do with me at

48:28

all. But couple

48:30

years ago, I would have thought it had something

48:32

to do with me. Because

48:34

before therapy, I thought I was that piece of sh**

48:37

in the center of the universe. And now

48:39

I just feel like I'm a

48:41

piece of sh**.

48:44

I kid, I kid, we love better help over

48:46

here. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give

48:48

better help a try. It's entirely online.

48:50

It's designed to be convenient, flexible and

48:53

suited to your schedule. Fill up a

48:55

brief questionnaire and get matched with a

48:57

licensed therapist, switch therapist at any time

48:59

for absolutely no additional charge. Learn

49:02

to make time for yourself. Save time by going

49:04

to therapy because you're not going to waste so

49:06

much time worrying about things that you can't control.

49:09

betterhelp.com slash Whitney,

49:11

go to that website and you're

49:13

going to get 10% off your

49:16

first month. That's a lot of

49:18

money off the first month. That's

49:20

betterhelp.com/ Whitney. Why

49:23

don't you ever perform in LA venues? I perform in

49:25

LA venues a lot. I'm going to be at

49:27

the comedy store this Friday. I just took a couple months

49:29

off because as I

49:31

just said, I was cut in

49:33

half at the

49:35

pussy. So I

49:38

took a little time off. But

49:40

I will be doing 40 cities across

49:42

America starting in May, WhitneyComneys.edu.

49:45

So I will

49:47

be at local LA venues. Sometimes I pop in without being

49:49

announced because I'm working on new material. Or

49:51

I don't want to have to cancel last minute and

49:53

then you guys are mad at me because

49:55

there's always something with you. Exo

49:58

Jess Shep. asks, I had

50:00

a baby, I can't shake the baby weight. What's your

50:03

secret? Can I be honest here? Can

50:06

I be honest? I'm going to

50:08

just be honest. Again,

50:10

I'm a medical doctor. I

50:13

have a degree in medicine, in

50:16

psychology, in hemoglobin, in

50:21

everything molecular

50:23

under the sun. So listen to

50:25

what I say very carefully because

50:28

it is backed up, it

50:30

is proven, I have a lab

50:32

where I test things. Okay.

50:35

I am respected. Please

50:38

take me seriously. I'm not

50:40

some silly comedian clown you

50:42

shouldn't listen to. I take

50:46

metformin and Dr. Davidson

50:48

Claire, a real

50:54

doctor says it works.

50:56

Peter Atiyah, I think has talked about

50:59

it. Who else? I think Gary Brekka

51:01

is into it. Dr.

51:03

Craig Conover. I take metformin.

51:06

I think that's

51:08

why I lost the baby. I'm going to be

51:10

super honest with you people. I take metformin. It

51:13

is a diabetes medication where the

51:15

side effect is they found less cancer

51:17

because I have high risk in my family. LOL, let

51:19

the jokes be again. I've cancer my family because I'm

51:22

a die. So I take metformin.

51:25

I think that's probably what it is because

51:28

it's not Ozempic. I don't do the

51:31

Ozempic thing. If you do

51:33

it fine, a lot of Hollywood people to me right now

51:35

are looking like wild bobbleheads.

51:37

I mean, people are looking wild out there

51:39

and getting way too skinny. I

51:41

just take metformin. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I

51:44

don't. After I eat a bunch of sugar

51:46

and carbs, I take a metformin. Maybe

51:48

that's why I also started using a

51:51

rucksack. Are you CK? Are you K?

51:53

Google it. Not my problem. Um,

51:55

where you put because I was training for something that I'm

51:57

think I'm not gonna be able to do anymore. But It's

52:00

a backpack where you put weights on your back and

52:03

they're like, um, what's,

52:05

what's this? Like they look like a

52:08

notebook. They're like the rectangles, but they're thin weights.

52:10

And I got four of the weights. They're each 10

52:12

pounds and I wear them like around the house. Like

52:15

I just like walking around, doing stuff,

52:17

picking up the baby, whatever I do.

52:19

So I feel like that I was

52:21

like exercising just while walking around because

52:24

I didn't have time to really work out. Um,

52:28

and then I work out and I also worked out

52:30

during my pregnancy. I really did. Um,

52:33

when I was single at the time, I was like out

52:35

in them streets. Okay. So there's a lot of reasons for

52:37

that, but I did work out during my pregnancy. So

52:39

I don't think I put on as much. Um,

52:42

I don't know if any of that is helpful. And

52:44

also if you think

52:49

you should take medical advice from

52:52

me, we've got to do

52:54

something about our healthcare system. If

52:56

this is where you get your medical advice, but I

52:59

am going to tell you my personal journey because everyone

53:01

loves a journey. Rucksack of the

53:03

European backpack. It's called metformin. M E T F

53:05

O R M I N. Ask your doctor about

53:07

it. Look it up. I don't know what to

53:09

say. It's supposed to be like the key to

53:11

longevity. Now, who knows? It

53:15

could be killing me as we speak.

53:18

I don't know. It told

53:21

it's supposed to be good for your skin. And

53:24

I am so deeply insecure

53:26

that I am willing to risk it.

53:29

And there was something that said the side effect was like,

53:31

it's harder to build muscle. Okay.

53:36

Then Ronda Rousey shouldn't take it.

53:38

It doesn't apply

53:40

to this guy. Okay. God,

53:44

I do take supplements. I have my supplements.

53:46

I had them here somewhere. Where's my true? I

53:48

take true nitrogen, which is an N A D. I take

53:50

this. It's an N

53:53

A D. It helps you make N A

53:55

D. I Take this. I Took this

53:57

during my pregnancy. I Still, I still take it. I think it

53:59

helps me with. Energy some able to work out

54:01

more. I also do peptides five days on two

54:03

days off to I forget a lot yes that

54:05

I not do during pregnancy. Yes, As

54:08

out a double Negatives? Absolutely. Sides.

54:10

Try to take have sides Doctor I've cried, thought

54:12

of or is where I get by society like

54:14

males them I think that helps a lot more

54:16

testosterone with helps which helps with your metabolism. That's.

54:19

It. That's. All I know. Pay

54:22

the ransom. Same for my medical

54:24

book. I'm thirty four, My girlfriend

54:26

is fifty one and has. A hard

54:28

time with the age gap. My

54:31

man. On. His.

54:34

Name. I. The.

54:38

More. Trips around the sun I make. The

54:41

more I realize. The

54:43

same age, Is so

54:45

doubt. I didn't

54:47

realize how like when I dated

54:49

someone. Who was a considerably younger are

54:51

considerably older. How most of

54:53

would annoy me about them was the fact

54:56

that we couldn't sing the same songs. Four.

54:59

Of reference, the same movies like that's

55:01

to me like ninety percent of chemistry.

55:04

And. When. I say ninety percent

55:06

of demonstrates. That. As a number. They.

55:08

Came from real science. So.

55:11

I have studied, I. Have interviewed every couple.

55:13

I have studied every single relationship

55:15

that worked and that was the

55:17

number. That. My. Lab.

55:20

Techs: Yielded.

55:23

We had a sample. We had a median

55:25

and a mode. And. The

55:28

Pope Pro tractors. Said it's about. That's what

55:30

I really like. This. It's harder to

55:32

me, I have a hard time communicating anyway because

55:34

I i over complicate things and have a hard

55:36

time. I see guilty, my emotions and. Sometimes.

55:39

Like. He just has like

55:41

remember. To leave him as

55:44

ages member who lives. Case it's them.

55:47

And then the person like, what's that movie. In your like. Horses.

55:52

Like you can't like? Just you know I'd

55:54

like. For. Zeus when you is

55:56

your like So once. Lawns and you want the

55:58

other personal to go there. We're this

56:01

girl. Him. And like if it

56:03

enters the as I so fun and so

56:05

funny to me dating someone your age like

56:07

that's such a big park and I had

56:09

never dated someone my age before for so

56:12

many reasons. So if the person you're west

56:14

is. Not in the fact that

56:16

you're younger than am it's products as you

56:18

keep asking them stupid questions like who the

56:20

he's. Outta

56:24

here. First Harper,

56:26

The receptors. Like is,

56:29

she's probably annoyed at Yale. Did

56:32

you know respect? Filigree.

56:35

Lords Hills in the Food is ah.

56:42

You. Didn't say. Oh David!

56:44

I saw the guy from the Sponge

56:47

Bob movie. What? The

56:50

Why. So yeah, I

56:52

think there's that. and there's nothing worse

56:55

than having to explain with something as.

56:57

Are the worse? is when you date someone younger. And

56:59

they're like you know so much about history and you're like

57:01

know I was is there. Who's.

57:04

As their. I'd explain a

57:06

guy who the reign of Bob it was.

57:09

And. The. Problem with

57:12

explaining the lorraine Ababa saying.

57:15

His you seven like your life. As

57:19

you're saying it is a like m

57:21

I a pathological liar. Learning.

57:24

About it was a woman. Whose.

57:26

Has been see them on her like

57:28

frantically. In. The middle and

57:30

I see cut his ass. Certain.

57:32

Fields. I

57:34

feel like there was a lot between the cutting it off

57:36

and getting into the field at that's. Where my a

57:39

blind spot as I am. The

57:41

Please find that. They.

57:44

So we're back on his body. He.

57:46

Becomes a star. Star.

57:50

Okay, Lox. If

57:53

a guy with the research on. And

57:57

the at Work as and in a Movie.

57:59

That guy. They star in my

58:01

blood pressure. And. Hand.

58:06

In. I my only flavors

58:09

and he is all these questions and I might.

58:11

I can't. I've

58:13

spent too much time thinking about. this

58:15

already have to understand is some I

58:17

lived through this. I make

58:19

capacity on how much I can think

58:21

about that. So explaining this to you

58:23

like again: Goulet. Of

58:26

your algorithm, not my hippocampus. There's hardly

58:28

a nineties new story that isn't a

58:30

documentary. There's hardly a nineties new story

58:32

that isn't a documentary. I really less

58:34

you know that I wanted to do

58:37

a podcast in maybe just a segment

58:39

called old News. That was like

58:41

I didn't have a podcast at the time

58:43

that this happened. And I need

58:45

to talk about it over the Phil Spector

58:47

trial. Dude.

58:50

Gwyneth Paltrow. In Brad Pitt

58:52

were together. For

58:54

like all while. And

58:57

like I didn't get to express my thoughts on Alley,

58:59

there are a lot of things that went down. The

59:01

I did have a podcast the Talk About. He.

59:04

Announced so maybe will do that at some

59:06

point. you know with with people sending headlines

59:08

from. Yeah, maybe send in headlines from

59:10

the nineties. And we can I. Like.

59:14

Everything sand and already dead. Because

59:18

you know I'll defend their beds.

59:20

Tilda again And. Like. There's

59:22

a lotta like. Adding.

59:24

I will get to the i did your

59:26

questions. He has been very sweet. I'm keeping

59:28

an advocate for animals of course howard of

59:30

I'm enjoy your as elegant my. Very

59:32

long, hard for. Fifty four minutes

59:34

Side: You guys have so many questions I'm not

59:36

induce. Okay, so how did to tell if you've

59:39

had an orgasm? Now.

59:42

Now. Ah

59:45

oh. Oh.

59:49

Oh. Oh I'm. Mandy.

59:56

You happens when you know.

1:00:00

I. Mean, you know, but under which is a

1:00:02

lot of people don't know about orgasms. There's

1:00:04

a couple times k. Through. The inside

1:00:06

kind and the outside the inside kind

1:00:08

that you make happen with your hands.

1:00:11

Gay. And as inside

1:00:13

times. I've heard great big.

1:00:19

Names I don't have that is different.

1:00:22

And sometimes he's. Week.

1:00:24

I'd love it. And.

1:00:27

They're all deluding themselves. that has not been, which is

1:00:29

fine. With you I did

1:00:31

a lot before. He doesn't like smell as

1:00:33

much like pay. Her. The Nine

1:00:36

and was Mp. The labs. What was

1:00:38

it? labs That malibu? Ah,

1:00:40

I love it. I didn't. you know how

1:00:42

many fingers the like for that? I was

1:00:45

listening to my doctor. This is a. Smart.

1:00:48

My banana. Ah,

1:00:51

let's see. Okay,

1:00:54

specced celebrity story gods

1:00:57

a tough one. Is

1:00:59

a tough one. I

1:01:03

feel like this is going to have me in trouble.

1:01:05

The swiss cheese if I'd tell the story and. It's

1:01:07

not about sellers list. On. South.

1:01:10

Lawn A del Rey. And.

1:01:13

I'm. Going on sex scenes like as Smart as

1:01:15

see my telling and on his podcast I

1:01:17

tell it here as I wait. Ah,

1:01:20

I'm. Many. Think.

1:01:25

You're. Oh so

1:01:27

we're going to just I do so because

1:01:29

I was sitting at for. Say

1:01:32

see if they're any good questions that anymore

1:01:34

good questions. Him.

1:01:38

When. He to do more Only fans

1:01:40

aren't out I know I'm I'm really

1:01:42

trying I okay the only fans profile

1:01:44

I'm really try you guys I sign

1:01:46

of a It's inexcusable. That's why I've

1:01:49

written so many rows shows you know

1:01:51

what it is. I'm just

1:01:53

still tired from that clay loot I took when

1:01:55

I was he for. His

1:01:57

I written so many rosales to that was gonna

1:01:59

do. You on only fans. Just instead

1:02:01

of thirty. Photos and dirty videos. Dirty jokes

1:02:04

trust me. I asked about my brother video.

1:02:06

On their they said now it

1:02:08

has there was a minor in

1:02:10

that were so am. I.

1:02:12

Am writing all these rose jokes and I'm going to

1:02:15

do all these offensive Rosso selected only John only pants

1:02:17

I just we have that a second record them because.

1:02:19

Podcasting. You guys is.

1:02:22

What It is. So much work. I mean it.

1:02:24

Is like. Like. Listening

1:02:27

to Pat. Toggle by cameras sizes are

1:02:29

won't is like a full time job.

1:02:32

Com. The answering

1:02:34

pats tech questions of how. To. Run

1:02:37

as. A

1:02:39

handful of was alone. A I.

1:02:42

Try to mentor passes. Through

1:02:47

worthy goal is a glam. Metal

1:02:49

is a hard enough for me.

1:02:51

Okay. First of all Zagat Apartment is my

1:02:53

make a whiz kid or as I buried

1:02:56

says Mr. Dame of. Fully miss

1:02:58

a day with mail us hook. I bought this

1:03:00

I guess myself as you can tell by the

1:03:02

fact that there's a paid As and Bernie Bros

1:03:04

get have not been on. ah I'm more. it's

1:03:07

weird that of Bernie Bros key I have to

1:03:09

just reschedule with her and then precipitous I don't

1:03:11

I guess there were some imaginary beef we have

1:03:13

I don't know it would not have answer to

1:03:16

her I believe woman I do. Ah,

1:03:18

I'm so. I book it myself. We.

1:03:21

Shoot at. We. Have to shoot

1:03:23

ads. Like. It's just

1:03:25

it's a it's every week. It's

1:03:28

fifty two episodes year. In.

1:03:31

Television we made. Three.

1:03:34

A month. The ceremony. Wind.

1:03:37

Was spread, You know, whatever and you. At all this

1:03:39

have like this is a crazy amount of

1:03:41

work if you know wanted to be complete

1:03:44

our baggio but then like Bobby lands in

1:03:46

Chino make Complete Bar Baggio new I love

1:03:48

it. I hate when you learn of. Install

1:03:51

some. Good.

1:03:54

Day of as there is. Nothing worse than

1:03:57

having a good slam on someone.

1:03:59

Is. Or having

1:04:01

a good. Slam overtaxed it a getting

1:04:03

auto correct. Ssssss. Pm.

1:04:08

Dot I got. And

1:04:10

this guy got by my own tongue.

1:04:13

I'm okay. So you guys this is

1:04:15

Not. An hour I think this was a

1:04:17

medium and fine. Video.

1:04:20

As illegal the range of questions was at

1:04:23

the army guys, a lot of people as

1:04:25

well. My skin care regimen wanna we get

1:04:27

to that on the next one is kind.

1:04:29

Of or whole thing. Exists

1:04:32

the sort. The sword version as

1:04:34

Dharma Roller don't over think it,

1:04:36

just get a cheap one arm

1:04:39

and dispose of it at least.

1:04:41

Every. Week and a half. Two weeks you

1:04:43

can put on Hydra bryce and on to disinfected.

1:04:45

A little bad on the i may i'll pull

1:04:48

a poll ass said as their seats. Ah

1:04:50

and I do. I like make my own

1:04:52

oil. That's him somewhere that. A

1:04:55

nasty oil that I make myself rapeseed oil

1:04:57

and tomato seeds oil and I sleep

1:04:59

as and at a sleep on a

1:05:01

magic pill. a pillow to blow the

1:05:03

damage that we do our skin as during

1:05:06

the night when we sleep like this

1:05:08

like those whatever the we get that

1:05:10

another time I'm I also drink baby

1:05:12

blood is that weird on. What?

1:05:14

Else I'm going on tour on winning always are

1:05:17

com. I'm doing clubs the start and then I'm

1:05:19

doing a bunch of fear Chicago New York Beacon

1:05:21

Theater actually to start the business cycle. yes I

1:05:23

think she's gonna pop on my New York so

1:05:25

Marina delay acumen a thing at the end. Ah,

1:05:28

I'm and you know that I don't know

1:05:30

how to end anything without it being awkward.

1:05:32

sorry to cut with sneakers or your favorite

1:05:34

to were so busy the ones that time.me

1:05:36

that say Ancestral Rama on them does Matt

1:05:38

rife? What about my race? He was on

1:05:41

the park as I'm doing so with him

1:05:43

on May seventh that the Troubadour and L

1:05:45

A actually it's on the Placenta was wasted.

1:05:47

Yes. Okay I'm

1:05:49

pat said and as but now

1:05:51

we're back. Identity

1:05:56

my placenta. Okay, I

1:05:59

did. Maybe I am. Public enough. I did

1:06:01

not eat my percent up because the

1:06:03

placenta is a bag of poison and

1:06:05

that's the whole purpose is to catch

1:06:07

poison and always con artists that are

1:06:09

trying to cash and on. Mom's being

1:06:12

terrified that their kids are going to

1:06:14

guess you know, John Desormeaux sec earnest

1:06:16

and out on us here. Placenta. The

1:06:19

doesn't their scam artist is a con artist

1:06:21

as other doing this and scare you to

1:06:23

put him and smoothies department pilsner business for

1:06:25

dog. Stewart and wolves during the wild.

1:06:30

Sales. Who eats? Feces, And.

1:06:33

Lick each other's guts, The. Do

1:06:35

that. A Trader Joe's. The.

1:06:37

Reason sit animals in the wild

1:06:40

eat their own placenta is so

1:06:42

that other predators don't smell the

1:06:44

blood. That's why.

1:06:47

I did not my placenta. It

1:06:50

did go to waste. It

1:06:52

is in a land cell

1:06:54

somewhere in California with a

1:06:56

bunch of cocaine and spent.

1:07:00

Being. Eaten by coyotes.

1:07:04

Where it belongs. To

1:07:06

as we know that placenta was

1:07:08

chock full of advil. Which is

1:07:10

why my baby's umbilical cord this of

1:07:12

this of perfect. Thank

1:07:16

you for tuning in. I

1:07:20

have so I really want to look down

1:07:22

of. I really want to see more

1:07:24

questions. Or at the black voters

1:07:26

would send ago. When. We do.

1:07:28

Same thing happen to me I had to

1:07:30

sign before the vacuum and the plunger on

1:07:32

my kid. I didn't say. What

1:07:34

is possible to give you a form? That is as

1:07:37

we might have to back him. we might have to

1:07:39

plans we might have the you know. That.

1:07:41

Excavate Madison, You know,

1:07:43

use a. Slinky

1:07:45

our own system. Kids get every iteration that

1:07:48

made me sign and a moment on well

1:07:50

because now for the doesn't hold up in

1:07:52

court as I'd like. Yeah, I was on

1:07:54

drugs. My. Sign that. I'm

1:07:57

just not being funny anymore. The citizens and points.

1:08:01

Also, I did say it's my guy

1:08:03

now when she was selling the apps.

1:08:06

After she cut. My.

1:08:08

Vagina. Let's

1:08:11

not be a feminist about this. He.

1:08:16

That extra steps. So.

1:08:18

Be a silly ghost. Okay, She.

1:08:21

Reminds you that every time I see are

1:08:23

go it's fell in mind. Somebody said who

1:08:25

is she talking to. Girls,

1:08:30

I've never known her. no one's ever

1:08:32

known. I love you guys Dorado! Then

1:08:35

the go by a I. Missing.