0:00

Welcome to Guys, We Fucked Guys,

0:03

We Guys book. I'm

0:05

Christina, I'm correct, We're sorry about

0:08

last night anti slut shaming

0:10

podcast. I never stopped.

0:16

Hello, and welcome to another episode of

0:18

Guys, We Fuck, Guys, We Fuck the

0:20

Anti slot chiming Podcast. I'm Corren,

0:22

I'm Christina. Hey we're

0:25

here. The air hurts our face, y'all. Yeah,

0:27

they're seriously like, stuff is like freezing in

0:29

my nose. Yeah, my snots freezing. I

0:32

know you probably tell I have a cold. I snots snot

0:34

stickles. Yeah that's a thing. Yeah,

0:37

it's horrible. It's not good. Having sex

0:39

in the cold weather is more fun than having sex in

0:41

the hot weather. I will say absolutely. I agree.

0:43

I don't like having sex in the summer. Weird.

0:47

I mean, I well, I get really horny

0:49

during the summer. Yeah, but like like

0:51

like violently horny. I would say, I get violently

0:53

angry and like don't touch me. Yeah,

0:56

I don't like the summer. Um. But I

0:59

was thinking today, I was like, winter is the only

1:01

time when I wish that I was like four years

1:03

into a relationship, the only time

1:05

huddle central that I feel because you just want

1:08

to be lazy and like disgusting

1:10

with another human being completely

1:13

understands you eat, fuck, sleep,

1:15

watch fix exactly. And you can't really do

1:17

that with someone that you just started dating, because like that's kind

1:20

of like pathetic in a way. It

1:22

just feels bad. It's a bad start

1:24

to set. Yeah,

1:26

so but that is a four years and I was like,

1:28

man, I wish I had a boyfriend for four years, but

1:30

only for today. You

1:33

can rent him at rentom man dot com. Do

1:35

you need a man rentum? Yeah, like kind of meet

1:37

someone and it feels like we knew each other for four years.

1:39

Like it kind of means I probably would hate the person.

1:41

Yeah, but only on occasion. Only on

1:43

occasion. Dude, marry an inmate.

1:46

Oh, I don't

1:49

think it's a good I would absolutely do

1:51

that. Oh, A lot

1:53

of ships happened. So this is an action

1:55

packed week. We do want to start

1:57

out by obviously giving

2:00

our condolences to the victims of the

2:03

Charlie Hebdo massacre, because

2:05

I'm not any other word to use. Um.

2:07

I think it's really interesting. I know Christine and I were talking.

2:10

I've said it before, but as it really hit

2:12

home, especially with us doing this, you know, quote unquote

2:14

controversial podcast that we do. Basically

2:18

in many other countries, we would have been stoned

2:20

about eighteen times already for doing this. I've

2:22

thought about that since before

2:24

we started. Yeah, I was

2:26

like, if we were doing this show called

2:29

guns we fucked and

2:31

talking the way we talk, we would

2:34

be murdered. Yeah, we would.

2:36

I just because there's so many extremist

2:39

groups that are like women should

2:41

where should be covered and shut the funk up?

2:43

Oh, I mean not a lot, but there are some. I'm still

2:45

not convinced I won't be murdered because of this

2:47

podcast. You know what, We're

2:49

not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not I'm

2:52

not encouraging it. Oh hell no, oh yeah

2:54

that's true guild. And

2:56

then I well, I mean, I I just don't

2:59

murder us, but always thought I would lead a life

3:01

that would, at one time or another

3:04

kind of make someone want to

3:07

kill me. Yeah. So I feel are doing

3:09

a great job. And um, but

3:11

if you, I mean, I hope you all are up

3:14

to date on this issue. If you're not, go to

3:16

Google dot com and type Charlie up.

3:18

Though. Um, it's a satirical newspaper

3:20

kind of like the Onion is in the States or Mad magazine.

3:22

I've actually hurts. I've also heard some conflicting views

3:24

that it's a little bit well, it's

3:27

satires a lot of religious leaders

3:29

and political. Yeah.

3:31

Some people are like, well, it's not as smart as the Onion,

3:33

and it's a little bit more hate fueled.

3:36

I've read. I've seen some of their cartoons and

3:39

I love them. That just there's been more they're

3:41

class here Onion. I think I think I

3:44

love the Onion, but I also love the

3:46

more just more political. Yeah,

3:48

I think it's um. I don't read French,

3:50

even though I should, because I suppose should

3:53

see but

3:55

just fatigue. That means I'm very

3:57

tired. Just lejun v I mean French.

4:00

They're speaking and know these children aren't French,

4:02

They're American. Sorry, remember that commercial.

4:05

I posted a cartoon

4:08

that the Onion. I brought the Onion because I posted a cartoon

4:10

that they posted. It says no one got

4:12

murdered for this picture, and it says it's

4:14

um about five or six um

4:16

religious leaders, UM just going

4:19

to all they're fucking each other.

4:21

They're all sucking each other. They have big dick

4:23

some of them have giant penises. And vaginas

4:26

Buddhas getting fisted by the

4:28

purple elephant. And

4:31

I really I

4:33

just thought that was great. I thought that was amazing.

4:36

I thought that that was I don't know, I

4:38

really liked that. I enjoyed it. I put it on my Instagram, and a and

4:40

a fucker commented and said

4:42

it was distasteful and pointless, and

4:44

and then you're like, yeah, us, yeah, or

4:47

it's your first time. No, yeah,

4:50

I know. I thought that was really funny. I'm like, do you not this

4:53

is I know that? Well,

4:55

I mean it's funny because even people who are progressive

4:57

about some things like tend to like to be

5:00

selectively progressive. Yeah, so

5:02

like some ship racism, Um,

5:04

some ship, well we'll

5:07

get people going. And then some things are like you

5:09

can funk whoever you want, eighteen people

5:11

in a horse. Uh, but don't

5:13

you dare say a black person likes watermelon,

5:19

you should be killing Oh

5:21

yeah, that select that's select

5:24

selectis Um. I'm gonna yeah, sure, I'm

5:26

a coin. It is bullshit and

5:29

everyone's guilty. I'm guilty of it too, of

5:32

course, but just sweet Charlie,

5:35

that's what I gotta say. Um. We went

5:37

to the Girls premiere HBO

5:40

fourth season premiere of Girls. I

5:42

don't know some of you guys know, I hit web

5:45

series Girls and Girls, where we critique the show

5:47

Girls. It's my favorite.

5:49

We are obsessed with that show and we were so excited

5:52

to have been at the premiere. We got to

5:54

be behind everybody as they

5:56

walked down the red carpets. We met

5:58

Adam Driver, we met Kathy Griffin,

6:01

Lena Dune him. He saw Alison

6:03

Williams, Zosia mam it Alison

6:06

Williams, that perfect fucking beauty.

6:08

I saw Alex Karpovski. He

6:11

just walked by me. Now, yeah, he was like, oh, Karena,

6:14

And I was like, ray, Kirstie

6:17

Alley, who looks really good? No,

6:19

but this is the thing. She came out and the first

6:21

thing everyone said was she looks

6:24

so good. That poor woman

6:26

is just going to get comments on her fucking wait, her

6:28

whole life. It was, it was, it

6:31

was front and center in her life. Funny.

6:34

She was known on Cheers as like this babe.

6:37

Then she spent a lot of that sheers money

6:40

at McDonald's and

6:43

she came back and you know, so

6:45

she she's publicly struggled with her way for a while, but I

6:48

don't know. I just Lena turned around when

6:50

Christie came out, and everyone's like, well Christie Alley

6:52

and Lena like like pauses

6:55

an interview she's doing with the News or something, and

6:57

she goes, Kirstie, you look great. I

6:59

just I just thought that was really funny. Yeah. Rita

7:02

Wilson was there. Yeah, Rita fucking

7:04

Wilson. What a badass bitch. Yeah,

7:06

there was a lot of bad Gillian Jacobs, Alana

7:10

and Abbey. It

7:13

was really good, was the star studded event, and we

7:15

were happy to be there. It's fascinating

7:17

to see really famous people like Lena

7:19

Dunham in their element. She

7:21

handles herself very well in those situations.

7:24

Only the one that we've seen. I liked her really

7:26

nice. I liked her. It made me like her. She's

7:28

so cool. That's that I didn't like her before. I was conflicted

7:31

about her, Like you love her, I get conflicted

7:33

about her. She was so nice, Yeah she was,

7:36

and you know it wasn't a fake nice, like some

7:38

contrived nice. It was her

7:41

genuinely being nice. And I feel like she really

7:43

does like the fans, and for me that's super important.

7:45

Yeah, and she's very respectful to

7:47

everybody. Like she's one of those people. I feel like it's

7:49

like the crew. She just like gives the crew off.

7:52

She's as smart. She she takes time to

7:54

know everybody's name. She's that kind of a person. I think that's

7:56

really important. Um So, guys,

7:58

stay tuned because this Sunday I will be the

8:00

debut of our first episode of

8:02

Girls on Girls for the season. You can

8:05

catch it on our YouTube page. We'll put

8:07

the links up, watch it, share

8:09

it. If you don't watch the show girls, you're probably not

8:11

gonna enjoy it that much. But we're so

8:13

charming and funny that you just might. Okay,

8:16

Christie again and publicists

8:19

and full of ourselves, but only for us. All

8:23

right, guys,

8:26

this was that We're coming off a weekend

8:29

for me that will go in the

8:31

books. Okay, it's one for the books now.

8:34

Um this weekend, I would like to tell everyone

8:36

that I did shrooms for the first time

8:41

and normally doing shrooms

8:43

and guys, this is the first time I've ever done a drug that

8:45

people are like, oh, you've done marijuana. No no, no, no, I've

8:47

done That's how we know you've never smoked. I've

8:49

not done Marian, I went straight

8:52

to shrooms. Okay, I don't funk around. The

8:54

first time I left the country, I went to Romania.

8:56

The first time I did drugs, I did shrooms. Okay,

8:58

no England, no fucking smoke, give pop

9:00

for me. I'm going for it. Anyway.

9:02

We would think that this should be the most

9:06

interesting story from my weekend. It

9:08

is not. Okay, the first time you do shrooms,

9:10

that should be the story for the week. It was

9:12

a good time, it was. It was a great time. It

9:14

took forever to get into my system.

9:17

I did them with my good friend who left for l A. And did

9:19

you do stated a piece of chocolate?

9:21

No? I just ate them, literally ate a much taste like

9:23

garbage the mushrooms

9:25

but tasted like garbage, and um.

9:28

It didn't hit me until hours later. And then

9:30

I was in my room more a week

9:32

than I have ever been until sevens

9:34

fucking more. I didn't know that shrooms did that?

9:36

Wait? Can I take shrooms to be productive? Um?

9:39

Probably not. The thing is I

9:42

I was not productive at all? Okay. I stayed

9:44

in my room for like ten hours, but

9:47

I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't

9:50

listen to music. I didn't watch a TV

9:52

show. I literally walked around

9:54

my room. Did you clean them? Like? Nope?

9:57

Tapped things, looked in the

9:59

mirror, made sounds eight

10:02

twizzlers. That's all

10:04

I did. What I thought I was talking to.

10:06

I was texting with my one friend. That's all I was doing.

10:09

And you were enjoying your friend. I mean, guy, fu

10:11

Okay, I just wanted to be very

10:13

different thing to be really honest about that friend

10:16

took You

10:18

had fun, had a great time. That

10:20

sounds great. I was. I actually

10:22

am concerned because I had so much fun alone. I was

10:25

like, I never want to see anything with anybody

10:27

again. This was the best time I've ever had. And

10:29

why do I ever leave the house? Because you were in shrews

10:31

That's why it had so much fun alone. Yeah, it was amazing.

10:33

I mean I love spending time alone normally, but like I

10:35

had like this was like just the perfect

10:37

night until I couldn't fall asleep

10:39

and then oh and the next day I felt like I had flown to Japan

10:42

because I had intense jet

10:45

lag. That's the only way. Because you didn't

10:47

sleep, or because the shrooms did a number of my brain,

10:49

I like shook it a little like you know, I

10:51

slept a really long time. I slept like five o'clock

10:54

that night the following night, and I still woke up and

10:56

was exhausted, just

10:58

felt malnourished. I'm I had been sleeping

11:00

for twelve hours. It was I have never

11:03

been so tired in my life. Wow, that's

11:05

a lot coming from you because you don't get much sleep anyway.

11:07

Yeah, I know it was. It was weird. I

11:09

still want to do it. I didn't have a headache anything. I just

11:11

felt I'm so tired and hungry. I feel like

11:13

I should be in nature when I do him. Is that not? Am

11:16

I just making that up? That's

11:20

right? I know. Yeah. That discussion

11:22

was the first time people were like no,

11:24

but everyone else is like, go to the beach, go to the woods.

11:26

No, I think that's pretty people dangerous because you don't

11:29

in a house like a house in the wood water.

11:31

I think that's a horrible idea. Yeah, shrooms,

11:35

Yeah, I would go to an enclosed space, nothing

11:38

dangerous around you, and only with a few

11:40

people happy. Has to be

11:42

enclosed because I'm that girl would be like no, I can fly,

11:44

shut up? Yea and first floor I'm on trooms. First

11:47

floor. Hunter sign. Oh yeah, so maybe this apartment.

11:49

I don't want to be in here. When I knew shrooms, you want to

11:51

be somewhere beautiful but enclosed

11:53

as well, maybe like a glass maybe the eye

11:55

in London glass container.

11:58

Like I don't know what that is. It's called giant Ferris

12:00

wheel. I'm not cultured. Um um,

12:03

so wait what was so what was the most eventful

12:05

thing? If it was the most eventful thing,

12:07

um, And this is gonna this isn't gonna

12:09

be good for some people who might be with um.

12:12

Just like the worst problem,

12:18

that's your problem experience

12:20

of my life, the worst sexual experience

12:23

of your life. I've had a lot unfortunately.

12:25

Um. I used to have only good sex. And then my

12:27

friend, my friend and Blair and I were talking about this

12:29

day and then recently we had a lot of bad sex. Hope that's

12:31

okay, Blair, Hey, Um, so

12:36

okay. So I was I had sex with this

12:39

guy on New Year's Eve and it wasn't good, but I was like, we

12:41

were drunk, and so I'm going to give

12:43

I gave him a pass. I usually only give people

12:45

one shot, but I gave him a pass because I've I

12:47

have had it happen that I have sex. The first time it's

12:50

not good, and in the second time it's amazing. Like the second

12:52

where sex needs are had with someone who the first

12:54

time it wasn't that great. Okay, we'll

12:56

try again. We won't be drunk. It's

12:58

fine, there'll be no whiskey day. Okay, So

13:03

it's not. First

13:06

he went down on me, and that was like,

13:09

I mean it was better, Like I came. How

13:11

do you go down on someone and it's bad that's

13:14

happened? I mean, yes,

13:17

because I don't let a lot of people go down to me when I'm

13:19

just hooking up, because to me, that's like, no, that's

13:22

neither did I until recently and just

13:24

weird because like totally come and you know, put

13:26

your paenis in my vagina, but don't lick it. God, well,

13:29

I feel like it's more intimate intimate.

13:31

Yeah, I don't like, but he liked. Some

13:34

people are just so into it that I let them do

13:36

it. Um, So this was

13:38

it was It was fine. It wasn't like he was very

13:40

committed and excited about the

13:43

oral sex, so I'm like, yeah, go for it. So he did

13:45

that. That That was fine. I came, even though I hate

13:47

when people make me come before I have sex because then

13:49

I'm not interested in having sex. But I fucking

13:51

I war only come once for multiple times. I warned

13:53

him. I can come multiple times, but if I came

13:55

harder the first time for from oral

13:58

sex, which is a more intense orgasm, that yeah,

14:00

then in the insertion, then that's the

14:02

peak. I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, I see

14:04

what you're saying. So I warned or whatever so number one

14:06

that that was fine. That was not great, but also

14:09

he kind of went with it with it,

14:11

like like he was too ungry hungry hippos,

14:14

Like I don't want there's no

14:16

small packet, you know,

14:18

like or not. He's

14:20

like digging. Yeah, Like I just like,

14:23

like in my head, I just like saw him pounding that black

14:25

handle on the fucking hungry Hungry Happo's board

14:27

game and I was like, um,

14:30

so that happened. Then then he

14:32

does this thing that he did the second time for

14:34

the second time where he hands me a

14:37

semi erect penis

14:40

and goes, put this

14:42

in me, baby. Okay, I

14:44

can't put it in gentlemen,

14:47

this is a fucking important p s A from

14:49

the girls at guys, we fucked. We cannot

14:51

insert your penis into our vaginas

14:54

if it's not fully erect. Got

14:56

it, capec and

14:59

you hear that, so make it fully. I'm not going to get

15:01

mad at you if you can't get fully hard. I am gonna

15:04

get mad at you if you hand me your fucking semi

15:07

flaccid dick and then make you do a

15:09

problem. Okay, I have enough problems. I

15:11

have a fucking my My insides

15:13

are fucking carved out, and I have like a pot

15:15

where your dick goes. I don't fucking need

15:18

your need to get your dick hard.

15:20

To get your dick hard, if you want me to put

15:22

my mouth on it, I will. I'm happy put my mouth on your

15:24

dad. It's like trying to put a well

15:26

this is exaggeration, but trying to put like a rubber

15:29

glove in a buttonhole. It just does

15:31

not how that? Yeah, well you trying to thread

15:33

and thread an ear earhole? Oh

15:35

yeah, yeah yeah yeah. For me, it's like it was like

15:37

trying to trying to push putting

15:40

all through a keyhole altogether,

15:42

or like yeah, it's like a it's

15:44

like a slinky and it's just it

15:46

bunches up. If it's not fully hard, you know what it's

15:48

like. It's like trying to stick a not

15:51

fully erect penis in a vagina. But

15:54

you know you have to do in my head

15:58

and I did. Okay, so I did. We

16:00

get it going, We get it and we get get

16:02

in too. Thrusts,

16:04

two thrusts and then explosion.

16:10

All that fucking work, all that fucking

16:12

set up for stuffed it in. You

16:14

know what, I still wasn't mad. I still

16:17

wasn't mad. I I will say I'm a huge

16:19

content real life. In the bedroom, I could not be

16:21

fucking nicer. Perhaps two nice,

16:23

because you're in a vault, being naked with somebody

16:26

else is vulnerable. It can be your sense.

16:28

It's just the sensitivities could be are

16:30

running high. Right, So I gave it a

16:32

second chance at sex. Uh

16:35

it backfired all

16:37

up my face nut or should

16:39

I say, all over his stomach, because that's

16:42

what happened. So wait, so the penis,

16:45

the half erect penis,

16:47

came out of you and then explosions.

16:49

Well, because I he started having a panic attack

16:52

what I can only describe as a panic attack underneath

16:54

me. I thought he was having a heart attack because

16:56

he's had your ages.

17:01

Motherfucker. I'm not even joking.

17:03

I thought he was having a heart attack. Frankie

17:06

Munoz had a stroke, and it was like dirty right,

17:08

I kind have a heart atack. I

17:11

I thought he was having a heart attack. I got

17:13

so scared. I was like, oh my god, are you okay? Okay?

17:15

And then I just like and then I was, oh, ship, I just

17:18

better get off you, because even if you're having a heart attack,

17:20

I don't want you to have a heart attack inside me, Like I need to catch

17:22

you some CPR. He

17:25

gets, use some juice water

17:28

ice pack. What do you get? Not

17:30

a steak? Not act? What's

17:32

the other? Bear? Bear

17:34

bred Get asked, breind guys, if you having a heart attack?

17:36

Taking his friend podcast has been brought to you

17:38

by Bear. So I didn't know. And then there

17:41

was a guy of heart attack. You

17:44

Bear, it's Andy, trust me. So

17:47

then there's this explosion and

17:49

I there's just wetness, and I and I and

17:51

and I don't know if you've ever been on top of a guy

17:54

and and have not been able to find

17:56

out whether the wetness is coming

17:58

from tears or semen. But

18:00

that's what was happening underneath me. Okay,

18:03

this was a grown man was embarrassed.

18:06

Stop it was wasn't he embarrassed?

18:08

It was fine until he started having a py

18:11

No, he wasn't crying. But just have you

18:13

ever seen a panic attack? Is extremely

18:15

dramatic, but it leads me to believe that

18:17

there has been trauma. Well, there should

18:20

be. And also, you shouldn't text girls that you're gonna

18:22

suck the ship out of them. If this is what you're bringing to the table,

18:24

lows everybody low stakes,

18:27

low expectation. My god, I cannot Okay,

18:29

So so I don't have you ever you've

18:31

seen the movie Liar Liar right, one of my favorites,

18:34

the scene where he where Jim Carrey

18:36

goes to the bathroom in his horn

18:39

and beats the ship out of himself and he

18:41

slams his head with a toilet seat. That

18:43

is what was happening underneath my vagina.

18:46

Okay, this is how he reacted.

18:48

It's like he was started like borderline hitting

18:50

himself. Okay, I was fine,

18:52

if you come too early. Honestly,

18:55

I take it as a compliment to myself, like I do

18:57

most things. Okay, compliments, compliments

19:00

to the I'm like, oh, I'm so pretty

19:02

okay, you probably think

19:04

it's orgasm is about you? Yes, it was. Yeah,

19:06

so I so I thought this was great

19:08

then, but but what scared me

19:10

and what upset me was this. This

19:13

this reaction did not was

19:15

not the word reaction for

19:17

what happened. It was not. It's not

19:19

that big of a deal. Guys, if you come too early, just

19:23

you know, it happens, it happens, save you. That's

19:25

why you have to save the oral sex for after two, because

19:27

then you can always eat somebody out. Because

19:29

if you come too early, say that's the savior.

19:31

Just you like eating girls out. You're

19:33

eating a girl out, just you know, like that, so

19:36

you know this on the menu for you biit just so

19:38

you know, you just ordered cuming leg it's

19:40

well it's for dinner. Um.

19:43

So yeah, and I then you like left the room,

19:45

and I was so fucking I honestly

19:47

thought he was going to get a knife to murder me. I

19:50

was so scared. I have never fought on uncomfortable and this is

19:52

not something because that's such a that reaction was so surprising.

19:55

Yeah, I just didn't know, and I'm like, this is not

19:57

this story is not to make fun of people. This

19:59

story is I was fucking I laid

20:01

in bed for four hours, honestly thinking,

20:04

um saying Michael byes um, thinking if I

20:07

should exit through a window. He left

20:09

you alone for four hours, he like went in the other room

20:11

until finally I must up the courage to go out

20:14

there. Oh. He was like, I think I could

20:16

take him physically because he's a petite man,

20:18

very good looking, but petite. Um And

20:21

so yeah, I went out and I was like, are

20:23

you okay? Like he didn't. He looked non violent when I paid

20:25

the room. Yeah, and this is not like a good

20:28

friend, but this is someone who I know and certainly

20:30

comfortable. Like honestly,

20:33

I was like, oh, this could be possibly

20:35

like boyfriend material. I was this an

20:37

interesting person to me, interesting

20:40

non comic but like in the in the industry,

20:42

like very talented. I

20:45

just I have fucking never been so scared

20:48

in and the self awareness

20:50

because then like two days later I got a text like, yo,

20:52

I want to fuck you right now? What you what you

20:55

haven't for you there when you

20:57

try to put your sock dick in me. Let's

20:59

just be real. Let's be real.

21:01

And then he and then and bastually just had

21:04

to be like, you know what, I just don't. I can't have casual

21:06

sex anymore. And like, I

21:08

mean, look, that's an extreme situation.

21:11

Yeah, I know, that's a very unique

21:14

I didn't know what I didn't know what

21:16

happened, and it was not And this

21:19

is something. This is the same person who I fucking like. I

21:21

said, I masturbated to the conversation

21:24

to someone who I love talking

21:26

to, love talking to, but I cannot

21:29

and this isn't This is an instance of where

21:31

if we do not sexually connect, it's just

21:33

over over sexual compatibility.

21:36

To do I gave you two chances, it's done. Yeah, I

21:38

cannot salvage this. And the thing is,

21:40

though, it's fine, don't text

21:43

me saying you want to fuck my brain zone or

21:45

whatever. He said after what happened,

21:47

Like, why would you be oblivious

21:50

to what happened? Yeah, I was really like

21:52

totally fine with the Did he offer any explanation

21:54

of why he reacted like that? No, the

21:56

reaction was not discussed. Why

21:58

he came too early? Was it's us? He was like, Oh, I just haven't had

22:00

sex in a long time. Cool, I have had sex

22:03

in a while either, that's fine, no big deal,

22:05

that's okay. Yeah, guys get really upset

22:07

when they come too early in my experiences,

22:10

with my sexual career of experiences,

22:13

but it's never upset me. Yeah, it's never upset

22:15

me either. It's not a big deal. Okay, it's

22:18

okay. You got a tongue. I

22:20

think got fingers. Yeah that's what I thought. Yeah, I think.

22:23

Yeah, nine out of ten girls I think take it as a compliment

22:25

anyway. I know it's really no should

22:27

we I don't know, but it doesn't matter if we do.

22:29

And that's good. Pretty yeah, good, it's good for all.

22:33

Just shut the funk up and let us think it's because we're pretty.

22:35

Okay, it's my top banana word.

22:37

Let me have this, let me let

22:39

me go to the treasure this. Um

22:43

So, I was horror. I am horrified

22:46

by this experience. Yeah, that's that.

22:49

I don't know what to say. Whoops, uh, don't

22:51

do that again. I don't know. Umm.

22:55

I would love to know why he reacted that way. I'd be cure

22:57

it was scary that reaction. It

22:59

scared you. I mean it scared you because it scared you,

23:01

that reaction right there. Just so

23:04

I would I would can never see that person again because

23:06

of that reaction. Yeah, that reaction

23:08

is so telling of real

23:11

deep issue. Yeah, and you that's the second

23:14

time not want to handle. Yeah. Yeah,

23:16

Nor should you have to have one kind of surprises

23:19

that with an old X Maggie. I found out

23:21

like three like you know, you know, in

23:24

a year and a half into it, and I was like, well, I guess

23:26

I signed up for this, so I guess we're dealing

23:28

with this now. But in another

23:31

it's good that he showed you the

23:33

sad colors. Yeah, now,

23:36

yeah, I need to let me see the weird right up front,

23:38

because I'm not I know it's there, and that's why, you know, if I can

23:40

hand There needs to be a dating site

23:42

where you put your worst foot forward

23:44

and put all your dumb bullshit and things

23:47

on the table, and we we people

23:49

can say, Okay, do I want to put up with this or do I

23:51

not want to put up with this? Because everyone has bullshit

23:54

that I have fucking panic attacks and throw ship

23:56

and I'm all fucking be awful if

23:58

you put that ship up front and if

24:00

it's something that yeah, I could do with that can handle

24:02

that. Yeah, there are some great like for me like

24:05

if you can handle, um,

24:07

really opening up to someone and telling them like

24:09

something really like deep, um

24:11

and horrible that happens to you you in your childhood and me

24:13

being like, Okay, get over at faggot, like real monotone,

24:16

I'm your girl. Yeah, absolutely, I'm your girl.

24:18

Okay being such a pussy. Yeah,

24:21

just I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. How how many years ago

24:23

was that? Okay, get over it? And then we move on, and

24:25

then we make sweet sweet love and then see that's

24:27

what I'm saying worst foot forward dot com,

24:29

look forward to that bar to my story about last

24:32

night. I think it's really good. Um,

24:34

okay, alright, we're good.

24:36

You're not. I mean that's good, and

24:39

then all and then I and then I started the week off by watching

24:41

this fucking documentary called Sexy Baby

24:44

Um, which is really amazing. It's

24:47

follows three women going through different things. One

24:50

is a former adult

24:53

film star um who is just kind

24:55

of trying to get rid of her old

24:57

porn kind of lifestyle. Her

25:00

name is Nikita Cash, I believe. And

25:02

then the second person is a twelve year

25:04

old girl who's just like kind of growing up in the city

25:06

and coming into her own and dealing

25:09

with a lot of like social media sex presence.

25:11

And the third is a young woman who is getting

25:13

laby a plasty. And that was the most

25:16

interesting one to me because guys,

25:18

I have the same type of vagina that she

25:20

has, you know, the OUTI vagina. I discussed it

25:22

a lot. I cannot I

25:26

until three months ago, I didn't

25:28

know that this was something that apparently I

25:30

should feel quote ashamed about. Fucking

25:33

Dane Cook and his new special calls

25:35

it a throw like a look says uh

25:37

an out vagina looks like a vagina threw up.

25:39

There was so much shaming to the

25:41

vagina. I'm like, they are people like Jim Norton,

25:43

who's like, yeah, give me that made a pussy. Well, no,

25:45

I knew that my vagina was different from reactions

25:48

I got, but I always got positive reactions, so I thought

25:50

it was like dope. I still think it's dope. It

25:52

is dope. And the thing about the thing that pisces

25:54

me off about that whole thing is someone came along

25:56

and made up that any vaginas are better. They

25:59

made it up, and then every everyone else was like, oh they

26:01

are okay, yeah, yeah, we all want to talk about

26:03

it, like how it's from porn, but I think it's something where,

26:05

you know, just like a certain type of face looks better on camera,

26:08

and any of vagina probably just looks better on camera.

26:10

It's a cleaner shot. Some types

26:12

of some things just don't shoot, like like like some people

26:14

have a nose in person that looks okay, I camera

26:16

looks like a big fun all mess. And even told

26:19

me that his x um has

26:21

I think more of ananti vagina, and uh,

26:23

they changed it in a photo and

26:25

she got really fucking piste. Yeah, and like

26:28

that happens a lot, so that happens imporn too. Well.

26:30

It's something I was addressed across the board this week because

26:32

also there was a was a Daily Dart article

26:34

about the six biggest lies You've been told about

26:37

vaginas. Um. I

26:40

think one of them is you know, so

26:42

we'll just read over this real quick because I think it's really interesting,

26:44

but you can read the whole article for yourself. Um.

26:46

The first is having lots of sex, which will

26:49

make you less tight down there and will decrease

26:51

your partner's pleasure. Obviously that's fucking

26:53

false. The second one year vagina smells

26:55

but bad. Sarah Silverman addresses is Noah

26:57

doesn't and if it does, you need to see a doctor. Number

27:00

three, you have a cherry that pops after the first time

27:02

you have sex. Um, that's your hymen. It doesn't

27:04

pop um. And it's I love

27:06

how they express it in the article because they're like, no

27:09

one's really bleeds after sex

27:11

anymore, because women are allowed to do things like play

27:13

sports like back in the day, me and

27:15

you let me play tennis, Dad? Oh

27:17

wow, thanks? Uh.

27:20

Number four was fighting your G spot is the key

27:22

to having multiple mind blowing orgasms. There's

27:24

this whole debate about whether the G spot really

27:26

exists. Oh, and then men prefer shaped

27:28

vaginas. That that

27:31

that's making a coming back. And then the last one. Number six,

27:33

all labia um are created

27:36

equal um and basically

27:38

like saying, how there's a lot of different types

27:40

of labia, including this auti labia,

27:42

and if you fucking cut it off, you can have

27:45

decreased um orgasms.

27:47

Like yeah, because that

27:49

has all the nerve endings. Yeah, it's a it's

27:51

a really firm that's how you come toally.

27:54

Yeah, and it's a really sensitive part. And I always

27:56

like make jokes like, hey, if you ever have sex with me, like

27:58

pull on my mini dick because

28:00

it's it's that's what feels good. I

28:03

have a tinier lady, and it's really hard for

28:05

me to have an orgasm like it

28:07

takes for it takes a while. Um yeah,

28:09

it's it's well, it takes a while, but it's

28:11

just like I know, you have to hidden a very

28:13

specific spot. Yeah yeah, yeah,

28:16

that's why. Like whenever I sleep with somebody new, they

28:18

never can figure it out and it's fine, and I'm like, whatever,

28:20

it's fine, you can't. We can't, like

28:23

Steven knows because we've been together for so long. I didn't.

28:25

It's people I would if I didn't.

28:28

Never did. I just never did. I should

28:30

have, Yeah, I should have just gave him direction

28:33

instead of either faking it, which I've done and that's

28:35

I'm not proud of that, but I did. I did it a lot um

28:38

and I just didn't say anything like

28:41

I'm good, it's fine. But honestly, mostly I would just fake

28:43

it because it would take forever. So I like whatever,

28:46

Sometimes it's just my pleasure is just not important.

28:48

It's all about you. Whatever.

28:51

Let's bring on our guest. I wish you could s yeah

28:53

and also come to Nacho Bitches in your Comedy Club on Januar.

28:57

Sorry say I listed up, Thank

29:00

you, thank you. This week's

29:02

gass oh oh, the handsome,

29:07

hilarious Oh he's has

29:09

a far meeting right now as he listens to this on

29:11

full blast in his own car. Lives with his parents

29:13

when he's in New York, lives by himself when he's in Los

29:15

Angeles. He called, this

29:17

is one of my favorite interviews. This is this guy.

29:20

I love him. He's really wanted to be on the podcast,

29:22

and I really didn't want to just we

29:25

just invited him. But the

29:27

sexual chemistry bay

29:29

cut with a tiny night.

29:32

Christina is convinced that uh gas

29:35

are in love and you're going to be in love and have babies

29:37

and lived together forever. Ladies and gentlemen.

29:40

Mr John Camperale, he

29:43

love bad bit just got my problem.

29:45

Yeah, I like the problem. Wrong,

29:48

love bad bit just got my problem.

29:50

Yeah like the fut problem. Wrong,

29:53

love bad bit just got my prodro and

29:55

yeah I like the funk. I gotta prodrom

29:57

and find somebody really fucking bring

30:00

your girls. Please

30:06

speak to something. Hey

30:10

John, we're here with John John Campanelli,

30:13

the one, the only God help us if

30:15

there was more than one. If there was

30:17

more than one, I would be okay with that.

30:20

I wouldn't she would. She despises,

30:22

you should calm, and she's like third

30:26

grade I don't despise. We'll

30:29

see. John has got this idea and has head recently

30:31

where he thinks that I have a crush on it. I

30:34

like you, and I only started liking you

30:36

recently. But well,

30:39

here's the thing. You're very handsome and you're very funny.

30:41

You can I say, can I bet something? That's really

30:43

mean? And I'm embarrassed to a minute. I

30:46

thought you were a huge dick when I first met Yeah,

30:49

you know you were. We had a fight out how the comedy cellar.

30:51

That was the first time we met. You were with her. Yes,

30:55

you were liars, Chris,

30:57

No, no, no, I don't remember any Christina is not long. She just has

30:59

a horrible memory. For what awful

31:02

memory. I'm always like, Christine is like, who's that? I'm

31:04

like, Christina, you've met that person three times? So

31:06

no, we were from the comedy seller. I was

31:08

wearing Jesus earrings for some funny

31:11

reason, like it was like a day. It was a Jesus

31:13

day. Or something so Christmas.

31:16

No, it was like some other holiday. And I decided

31:18

to wear Jesus earrings. And then we

31:21

were talking to you outside the cellar and you were just me

31:23

were great taking to John M connelly.

31:25

Yeah, oh you were being a dick? Was he? Okay?

31:28

Because I thought you were a dick? Because when

31:30

we sorry, I don't think you're a dick. I think

31:32

you're great. You can stay at my house anytime you want.

31:35

I mean that you're not allowed at my house. No,

31:37

you can't because you can keep your hands off because okay,

31:40

you know what weren't true? Probably one second,

31:42

let me just interject. I was thinking

31:44

of this, Okay, if I invite someone

31:46

on the podcast who I haven't fucked,

31:49

that is the current Fisher seal that

31:51

I do not want to fund. I

31:53

wanted to fund because

31:56

we need more. Can be honest when

31:59

you like to him, thank you. You're

32:01

saying that there's no chance that if we

32:03

were drunk, we went drunk, we would

32:05

definitely have sex. That's I would never get drunk with. I

32:07

was going to suggest we all go out later. Yeah alright,

32:09

fine, okay, no, no, no, that's fine. I'll

32:12

take that. I'm not saying, because that's what you want

32:14

to do, and it

32:16

will loosen you up with some shots. I mean, I would

32:18

have sex with pretty much anyone who's good looking

32:20

at amusing if I was drunk. I mean,

32:22

that's not what happens when you

32:24

met. Oh no, it was at the Hoboken Comedy Festival,

32:27

and I remember like, oh, I met that guy. I met him before,

32:30

Yeah, and we're on the same show. And I was like, I'm

32:32

pretty sure about that guy. And you were talking to Dan

32:34

forgot or something and I and I kind

32:37

of you looked at me, and I was kind of like and

32:39

then you just turned away, and I was like, all right,

32:41

how do you do, dick face? I tell

32:43

you why? Why? And I'm not joking.

32:46

During that, UM, I had

32:48

just had a very and I was telling her I had

32:50

a very on and off fucked up relationship the

32:52

last seven months. And we were

32:55

back together and she

32:57

was in l A and I didn't

33:00

choked up. Those of you couldn't see me. I had a burp. I didn't

33:02

like get like UM, and

33:04

she was she was texting

33:06

me and then not texting me, and she was

33:08

doing this thing where she would like text me million things

33:11

and then I would respond and she wouldn't reply, and

33:14

I think I was like preoccupied with that. And then also

33:17

I love Dan for having me on two years in a row. It's

33:19

great. But he also told me I was going up earlier,

33:22

and then my time was later. These

33:24

are the kind of things that John Camping lifes. You're

33:27

just always you got stuff on your I'm

33:31

brooding probably, yeah, I'm probably

33:33

brooding. Yeah, you're very You're very

33:35

much a brooding fellow. Yeah. So it's it's

33:38

nothing personal. It's of course not.

33:40

And my own first impressions of people are always wrong,

33:42

always always wrong. That's why

33:44

I take away. Well,

33:48

actually, actually

33:50

you know, your first impression are usually right of

33:52

the person. But the first impression, like the first like

33:54

ten ten to thirty seconds you meet the person,

33:57

not like after the first Yeah, felt

33:59

remember, meaning at the comments we were

34:01

talking, Wait what do we find? They'll always remember me. That

34:04

was when she saw true love. We got we got,

34:07

we got it like we got like I got a fight

34:09

John the first night I met he not for real though,

34:12

Wait, well I mean you and I was there. I was

34:14

actually irritated, irritated

34:16

because you're wearing weird earrings. But I think I actually

34:19

just make a pun about irritated

34:21

and earrings. That was you should be banned

34:23

from every comedy club. It

34:25

was four you just got banned from the last factory.

34:28

Sorry because this is an MP three

34:30

to the laugh actor and you are now bad. And they listened

34:32

to it. They're like, oh, yeah, you're right, we gotta go. You's got bad.

34:34

Dane Cook texted me said he hates you. Really.

34:37

I really think that I put your earrings on

34:39

Instagram? You did? You took a photo of

34:41

me? Yeah? To wait, were you captivated

34:43

by Corine? You're absolutely right? Um,

34:46

we you know there's there's a there's

34:48

a there's a chemistry there. Exactly say captivated.

34:51

There is a chemistry there. Sorry,

34:53

guys, sorry, this is weird, but there is.

34:56

When Karen said she talked to you for twenty five minutes

34:59

from the phone, I was like, I've never talked to you for

35:01

twenty five minutes on the phone. Get your

35:03

hand, okay, one, you

35:05

love it, you love it. Don't slide off that

35:08

stool. Baby was okay,

35:11

are you trying to look up the picture that you took up? Current?

35:13

You guys can keep talking. I'm talking to you. That's

35:15

the problem. Our

35:18

guest has gone on Instagram. He's

35:20

gone a wall. Okay, he's on social

35:23

media, you guys, John, only one um

35:26

here it is. That's your Instagram handle. Tough

35:29

into I call this intense earrings.

35:32

Yeah, I think Jesus remember

35:34

that before I had followers, I got two

35:36

likes on this. Now average like

35:39

forty to same

35:42

level on support of you. You don't need to This

35:46

is the most like average. It tends

35:48

to go up on the weekend. Looking

35:50

at Instagram on the weekends. By the pool. This is

35:52

a great um kind of slide

35:55

into what I wanted to talk about, slide like how

35:58

is dick would slide into here? Vain it? Sorry? Sorry,

36:00

sorry, Oh my god. M

36:03

So I feel like it would be really good in and afterwards

36:05

you both want to be like, oh god, we can't do that again,

36:07

and then we would start doing it again and we'd be so mad,

36:09

and then we get married and be like, how this happened? I hate

36:12

you? Why we're here. John has mentioned us getting

36:14

married in the past week like at least three times.

36:17

I don't want to get married to anyone, Lisa.

36:19

She really doesn't, I mean, not least of all the whole

36:21

world, but I was gonna say, like Tom Ricardo,

36:26

I love Tom Ricardo, love

36:29

you Tom. So anyway, um, I

36:32

wanted to talk about social media, like the how

36:34

social media has affected the breakup, because

36:36

I feel like John was talking to me earlier

36:39

about your your most recent breakup.

36:41

I know we don't not talk about this too much, the

36:43

one that you were experiencing when I saw you, well,

36:46

because you said that she was saying things that were

36:48

obviously directed towards you on Twitter

36:51

that uh, but you know

36:53

it's on Twitter, so everyone sees it. And now I have a

36:55

lot of experience with this. It's called the sub tweet,

36:57

folks. I am I'm coined

37:00

she coined it subtweet and also reading

37:03

subtweets. I'm reading the sub in the tweet.

37:05

Christina has been with me on

37:08

her couch as we are fucking going

37:11

through Frank's Twitter

37:13

and being like, oh, that's about you. It's definitely about

37:15

you, definitely about your picture was there

37:18

for you? About you. I'm

37:21

just as petty if I get dumped, I

37:23

would I will send subliminal messages

37:25

that really aren't that subloman. We're all our late

37:28

early thirties, and that's that's fucking pathetic.

37:30

I'm going to be the first athetic. But but

37:34

it works in the moment, it's fucking

37:36

rewarding because I want to get back

37:38

at you little twice. But

37:41

then you're sitting there going I just do too much. Well,

37:46

she noticed I de leaded it. I don't know is this gonna work?

37:48

Wasn't every girl she can funk

37:50

whoever she wants. This was dumb? But don't you

37:52

feel like it also? Is? It makes There's

37:55

something about social media where you can read

37:57

into something too much if you're

37:59

if you feel too self important, because

38:01

sometimes people put things on social media

38:03

and like I'm like, oh, that's definitely about me, and like it's a percent

38:06

not about me. But you know, how ever, you hear

38:08

that saying all the time, like it's not about you. People

38:10

aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. Well,

38:13

like sometimes they are, might not sometimes I

38:15

agree with that. You get married,

38:18

however, all right, or

38:20

maybe the three of us just try it out and see what happens. Always

38:23

go Now, I've immediately lost

38:25

interest anyone who wants to suck

38:27

the both of us. It just means you want to suck everybody

38:30

that's not Yes, we are the world. That's

38:33

our motto. Make me feel special,

38:36

John, I gotta be honest with you. He took

38:38

Instagram your Jesus earring. Yeah, that's

38:40

pretty special on the first time I met you one

38:43

of my first Instagram posts. That's

38:45

gonna bring that up at the wedding. I'm

38:47

going to bring it up in my speech. I'm not gonna

38:49

tell you anymore. I want I'll have a surprise anyway. Go ahead

38:51

that point, I'll have like seventy million

38:53

followers. Oh my god, are they

38:55

invited to the wedding. I hope he's

38:58

got for all?

39:01

Right, go ahead, I

39:06

was talking about three go ahead, No,

39:08

no, I wanted you to talk about social media. You

39:11

know. Then Also, I think sometimes

39:13

like you know, it might just be used

39:16

because you draw off anything. You'll be a good tweet like

39:18

it might not like I'm not saying like like

39:20

my stuff. I didn't do stuff to her that

39:23

like my tweets and social media might have been drawn

39:25

from it. But it wasn't to get at her. It was just like, oh, this

39:27

is funny. But that's because you're a comedian

39:29

though, So that's the comedian you're coming out. I

39:32

mean when I was doing it. I just forgot

39:34

that I was a comedian and turned into a maniac. Oh

39:36

no, no, no, A lot of Mariana's Morris Set

39:39

lyrics, you know, things that I get

39:41

every time my subliminal tweet, I

39:43

get called out on that ship and they're like, was

39:46

that about me? And I'm like, no, oh

39:48

my god, not everything's about you, and

39:50

then I delete it. This has this happened ra

39:52

oh yeah, not recently, but any time, Like

39:55

with David it was a guy I data that dubbed

39:57

me oh man who tweets

40:00

on Facebook post up the ass. But the thing

40:03

is, if you delete it, then it's kind of

40:05

like saying, yes, that was I

40:07

didn't And I actually don't find stuff

40:09

for real like that, because I also come

40:12

with a disclaimer, like if I start talking to you,

40:14

you can't get mad at anything I post on social

40:16

media because it might not be true

40:19

or be be current like it might.

40:21

I might. I might bring up something it's actually it's

40:23

actually that happened to me three years ago that

40:25

I think is funny and I want to post now. But if

40:27

I post, I don't want to get a text like are you kidding

40:30

me? It's like but

40:33

that's a different problem, that problem of dending a comedian

40:35

while you're dating. Though I'm

40:37

talking about break up stuff right right, and

40:40

but with break yeah, I mean it's just not easy.

40:42

That's just you do things like take pictures with

40:44

hot girls and post them on your Instagram. I do that

40:47

because I like doing

40:49

that. I don't do that to get why do you get out of

40:51

it? I'll tell you what I get out of it. Um,

40:53

I don't post picts of just me with

40:56

with like hot girls. It's not like, look who I'm

40:58

with. It's more like I don't know.

41:02

Um. But there's this like when I

41:04

I was telling you about the male models who decorated my

41:06

living room hot in handy guys. I end up having a

41:08

threesome with two of them. It was

41:10

great, but I wanted to take with

41:13

two guys. Yeah I liked it. Yeah,

41:16

it was good. It was all overwhelmed, no double

41:20

penetration because I was like, I don't want you up

41:22

my butt. But I tell you something, Yeah, what, God,

41:25

what what? What have

41:28

you had a threesome? No? Surprisingly

41:30

not what I

41:32

noticed about you. You're a lot

41:34

of talk. No, not a lot of talk. I

41:36

just don't I don't you're a much sweeter,

41:39

nicer, more wholesome girl than you try to appear.

41:41

No. See, that's annoying that I don't even people say him a lot of talk

41:44

because that makes it seem like I say things that

41:46

I do through

41:48

that I'm self

41:50

admitted, I'm self admittedly

41:53

a lot more conservative, um now

41:55

than when we started the podcast. This

41:58

podcast has made me like almost like

42:00

crawl into a show. Stop, what

42:02

are you doing? You're right, I'm sorry. UM,

42:07

So you assume that she's had like a thousand three CS.

42:11

It's weird. I don't know most people would be

42:13

surprised to find that I have not had a threesome.

42:15

I don't really I don't like sharing.

42:19

I like things to be about me. Oh okay,

42:21

I think really weird A really weird experience

42:24

with a couple of girls that

42:27

was like a very weird, like for

42:30

someome experience. So you and three

42:32

girls, right, But it wasn't like it

42:35

was like they were three friends and it wasn't

42:37

like they were like, let's hook up

42:39

with each other. They were three friends that were

42:42

just straight friends that you

42:44

could tell weren't into one another that we're like

42:46

doing it for the story. It was after the show. So

42:49

it was weird because they were all in my bed.

42:51

It's actually funny story. I was

42:54

hilarious. Funny.

42:56

You should ask can I go into it? Yeah?

42:59

Absolutely, I want to hear every permission.

43:02

That's the only when you and I are alone on Oh

43:08

I hate the way you set the water when you do that. Oh my

43:10

god, you're already married couple like

43:12

my parents. Story was

43:14

after a show. It was it was, it was,

43:17

it was. It was end of January

43:19

last year. It was after a show a comedy store.

43:21

I'm gonna be honestly, I didn't even think I had a very good set um

43:25

only got so

43:29

so afterwards, these three girls are talking to me. They're messing

43:31

around. They're kind of making like sexual references

43:34

and like what it was anything

43:36

specifics? Well, it wasn't anything like too

43:39

slutty, because I could tell it. They were kind of all talk like they

43:41

weren't bad girls. They were just like three They

43:43

were playing around with their words. Yeah to me

43:45

thinking that it was like yeah, but they think they were like getting

43:48

one over on me. And I was just sitting there like in my phone.

43:50

Like one of the girls was like into me more

43:53

and she was like what's so, what are you gonna do? And

43:55

I was just like, and I just I have it down

43:57

to a science now because I don't. I don't like humoring

43:59

it to a show because they're always like

44:02

it's fun for them. They think it's like fun and funny.

44:04

Are they being coy? And then it turns out nothing

44:06

else that happens a lot that's frustrating,

44:11

or their words

44:13

like nothing ends up happening after you know what I mean, Like

44:15

they'll act like someone's going to happen. That's an example of ill

44:18

talk. Well that what you gotta do, so you gotta you gotta

44:20

get them. You gotta strike quick while the iron is hot, so

44:22

we have to do is good business, right right? What

44:24

white writers are beginning to do it as I can

44:26

tell, they're kind of in a moment. I just looked up at them and

44:28

I go, look, I'm not sucking around three if you just

44:30

want to come back to my apartment. And they looked

44:33

at each other like they like they had no idea

44:35

what it just happened because they weren't expected. I

44:37

didn't do it like you guys want to. I just

44:39

looked up from my phone. I go, you just want

44:41

to come back to my apartment. Looked at them, all three confident

44:44

as fuck, and they were like, I'll

44:47

tell you what, sometimes I'm not that confident, and in this

44:49

moment, we knew what I had to do. And

44:52

then I see two of them look at each other and They're like, oh my god,

44:54

are we going to do this? And they

44:56

were like oh, and then they were like, well,

44:59

I mean like I don't. And I was like, look, I'll get the

45:01

car. Just calm, I'll go get a couple of drinks whatever.

45:03

And they were like, oh my god, okay, yeah, so

45:05

I get my car. They hop in my Did you say

45:07

what did you what went through your head when they said that?

45:10

Were you like? Were you ready to handle three women?

45:12

Were you like you can? Did

45:15

you look in the mirror and you go John was

45:17

going I was going, this is what I was going to a

45:20

mirror I've had I've also had

45:22

girls come back after and then not do

45:24

anything. So I was like, is I'm gonna do I

45:26

got I gotta do this. I gotta make it quick. So

45:29

does that piss you off? The one when a girl comes

45:31

back to your apartment and doesn't I feel like, this is just

45:33

follow me on Twitter and come to another show, don't come back

45:36

to my apartment, and then like we're friends. Now, fuck

45:38

you? You know what I mean. I mean, I've never gone to someone's

45:40

apartment just to hang happens.

45:42

I've gone to someone's apartment indecisive.

45:45

Yeah, and I'm like, no, I want to I don't

45:47

want to know this. And a couple of times I've been like, yeah,

45:49

I'm in a bail because I always know that, like

45:51

if I know I need to, I need to do that,

45:53

have the sex, because other ways I feel like it gives

45:55

a bad rap because I don't I don't like going

45:58

back anymore. Fine, you

46:00

don't want Oh, this is why, because I just had something

46:02

happened. He wasn't like cooking up after show prior prior

46:05

to this experience, I'm still gonna get to right

46:07

before that in New York, I was at New York

46:10

Comedy Club and I had an experience.

46:12

And this is one of the one of the many ways I learned

46:14

how to shout out great shows every night of

46:16

it all. So yeah, not Joe, bitch, And

46:20

so I was I was I was doing I was doing

46:22

crab work on this table of girls and it was working

46:24

and uh, you're so funny. So

46:28

after the show, I gave him my card and then I get

46:30

two emails, and it was one

46:32

of the girls saying, like to

46:36

because I didn't, I don't put my my phone number on the boards.

46:38

I put my my social media and my email.

46:41

Actually my email off now because I was getting too many

46:43

weird emails. So it's just social media is

46:45

email and Bason, so sorry.

46:50

So they so they were one of emailed me,

46:53

Hey, I was at your show tonight. I'm like, I'm

46:55

a really nice girl, and I'm like

46:57

like this and that. The other one was like, hey,

46:59

I was that How was that your show tonight. I'm

47:02

not I'm not a very nice girl, but I'm really hot and

47:04

like this and that. And then I'm like, These two girls emailed me,

47:07

and then I'm I'm looking and I see them down

47:10

the street a little bit, giggling to each other. I

47:12

go, these bitches are both

47:14

emailing their friends. These ladies.

47:17

These females don't

47:20

do that beautiful vaginas. So

47:22

then I emailed them back, first

47:25

hilarious before,

47:27

but the first I'm emailing them back

47:29

individually until I caught onto what was happening because they

47:31

worded it so much so that I thought just two girls that emailed

47:34

me, And then I was so, then

47:36

I was like, and then I was like, and then I and

47:38

then I and then I started and then I started

47:40

responding to both of them, going like, hey, I'll

47:42

tell you what. I have two sides to me. You know, I

47:45

like, I like nice,

47:47

like the nice girl, I like, I like I'm like I

47:50

like sweet and spicy. Then

47:53

so then I go and also, your girls are worse than batman

47:56

villains, which I thought was a great line. Yeah

47:58

for a nerd. That No. Also that makes me

48:00

think of like a five year So

48:03

they go, okay, fine, you have to choose

48:05

which one of us do you want to have your number? And

48:07

I go, all right, I go, look, I'm not going to play

48:09

this game. What a great way to end a friendship. No,

48:12

I know, I feel like, yo, girl, this one to

48:14

make take either, and they go, no, you have to

48:16

choose, and then I just go, I mean

48:18

I'll take you. I thinink that I'll take I feel like if

48:21

we could just like for men, that's that, that's

48:23

the whole thing. I'll yeah,

48:27

that's men enough. So

48:29

I uh so I just I

48:31

started texting with the hot one, and she sent me pictures

48:33

of her. Was one ugly and one was hot. One

48:35

wasn't. That one was marked hot one.

48:38

The one that was not as good looking

48:40

is still Facebook friends with me and still follows me on Twitter. The

48:42

other one not so much anymore. So wait,

48:44

was it was the hotter one, the nice one

48:47

or the naughty one? Naughty one? She turned out to be a

48:49

crazy person and was telling me that you want to hang out with me? And

48:51

then all night was saying that she's gonna come meet

48:53

up and then just didn't know. Was she like really

48:55

hot? I feel I want to

48:57

see a picture of her. I feel like girls who are really

48:59

hot. A lot of them are insane.

49:02

I think because they can be because

49:04

they're mad with power, because they get they

49:06

get there, they get away with

49:08

anything. Oh it was one seven fourteen.

49:12

It was a year ago. I love you. You are so ce

49:15

me. Yeah. I don't want

49:17

you guys to get married anymore. Your your house

49:20

would be very strange. We would be what I

49:22

would be able to power a couple. But but but

49:24

just the power would come from craziness,

49:27

any kind of power. She

49:29

ain't that hot, Okay, she's

49:31

fine. I thought, like, you know those girls and you

49:33

probably see them in l A that are just like fucking

49:36

stunning. Happened thirteen.

49:39

We texted again, well, happy anniversary.

49:42

You guys are like, oh my god,

49:44

you know days we'll go back to

49:46

their I love going back to tex

49:49

Yes you do. I want to. I want

49:51

to get to the foursome. I want to get anyway. I learned from this

49:53

girl and then from other I literally

49:55

got. I got texted at Flappers once I got emailed

49:57

Flappers as a comedy club in Burbank. In Burbank

50:00

a couple of months before that. Good. I thought it was in these

50:03

two girls that that emailed me, and they go, hey, we're

50:05

the two blondes. Were the two blondes on the show

50:07

tonight. What do you think of both of us?

50:10

So I started christ I started

50:12

messaging with them. No, but she

50:14

wanted one but pick Man, which

50:16

Sophie's choice. But

50:18

she wanted me to. But she wanted me to and

50:21

they wanted me. So then I'm I'm

50:23

going, okay, you guys want to come over. And then they

50:25

were like, oh that was used to test your gross

50:27

and I was like, oh my god. So

50:30

I learned I gotta,

50:32

I gotta, I gotta get this. Like I'm not going to email

50:34

with you for or text you for a little bit. It's like direct, you're

50:36

coming over. No cool, bye, that's it. These

50:39

girls as to my apartment, well the same

50:41

way guys are kind of like scumbags. Is

50:43

the same way. Well world wide, girls are bitches

50:45

when or they're coy. It's

50:47

more coy and more like I don't

50:49

know, like I want this, but then oh you want it now? I

50:51

don't know if I want but I think that comes from weird

50:54

fear of girls not wanting

50:56

guys to think they're so listen to the movie, get

50:58

to my apartment. This is what I do. This is the most sloot. I

51:00

get to my apartment and um,

51:03

I was like, ship, you know what. I don't want them

51:05

to feel weird. I have one one one of my

51:07

buddies from he was staying in the from Michigan. He was only

51:09

there for like a week and he happened to be there. So I text

51:11

him, I go, hey, do and come back with three girls, pick up

51:13

condoms and pick up some mixers

51:15

and some booze. You say yes to that

51:17

text mess? He picks him up he comes over,

51:20

He's like he's trying to work one of them. But I was

51:22

like, I knew all three. I knew I could get with all

51:24

three. I really had this feeling. So I go like this time,

51:26

I go before he gets there, I go, hey, guys,

51:28

I'm gonna change you guys want to you want to change of clothes? And like,

51:30

why do we have a change of clothes because we're all sleeping here

51:33

and it's just more comfortable. And they were like, well,

51:35

we don't know if we're sleeping here. And I was like, well, then I don't really want

51:37

to fool around, like and just I don't want to bullshit for a

51:39

while. It's getting late. If if you guys

51:41

are here, then we're staying here. And they were like, I'm getting

51:43

in trouble right now. And they were like, okay, they

51:45

are over, and

51:47

they were like okay, They're like, oh my god, okay.

51:49

Like I would they love because you girls love a certainness.

51:52

You love when guys are a certain love assertiveness

51:55

of the year. If I grabbed you, I just gave

51:58

you up kiss, you would go yeah.

52:01

But then it's but here's the thing. Pers

52:04

of our brains would go oh and U

52:07

like, don't tell me what to do, bitch. Yeah, But then

52:11

I would go good though, because I hate

52:13

when people are like, can I kiss you? S y. My

52:16

least favorite question of all time is can

52:18

I kiss you? Either fucking kiss me or

52:20

don't kiss me? Do not ask me about

52:23

it. That's so annoying. And I put

52:26

I put one in a Tony Romo jersey because I'm

52:28

ut Cowboys fan one and and

52:30

the Ninja Turtles T shirt. No sorry, your

52:32

favorite one was a Batman T shirt, Romo

52:35

jersey, Batman T shirt and Ghostbusters

52:37

T shirt. Oh, I would like the Ghostbusters

52:40

one. Then I go and I go, no pants, I go.

52:42

Comics were the same, okay, go on. So

52:45

my buddy comes and then I'm like, look, guys, I

52:47

got two in my room. I go, let's go, let's go in

52:49

my room. And then they knew that

52:51

the guy was coming. Your friend he was there now, and that was like

52:53

hey, I was like, they had a couple of shots.

52:56

I had a drink. It was kind of getting like we were

52:58

watching videos, was kind of getting late. Were you trying to give

53:00

them drunker than you know? I don't do that. If

53:02

they want to drink, they want to drink. I don't need to drink to have a

53:04

good time, so I don't. It doesn't bother me. If you want

53:06

to, that's fine. But I'm just crazy, just

53:10

like a rapist. Yeah, it's like I don't need to. Oh,

53:13

I don't need a drink, but you do. Sometimes

53:17

in that situation, I would want it. So then I waited a little

53:20

and let them. I let them feel a little comfortable in my space,

53:22

and I go, hey, look, it's getting late. I'm

53:24

going to go into my bed. And they were like, um,

53:27

you can follow me or you cannot. Thank

53:30

god, this isn't like you can't lose your video

53:32

because I must look every

53:35

I mean, don't stop, please please

53:38

stop. Then they come

53:40

in, so I'd

53:43

leave. I'd leave so, um, they

53:45

come into my bed. Best best

53:48

moment ever for me. Hilarious bro moment

53:50

at this point, hilarious bro moment. My

53:52

buddy. They all go in my bed and my buddy

53:55

tries to come in the room after them, and I go, dude,

53:59

you poop all your friend. Let him stay

54:01

there. But he came. He wanted my

54:03

cous and boost. He thought he was going to get fucked.

54:05

Man, that was a low blow. That I was going to get his dick

54:09

into my bed, see, but my

54:11

work you into.

54:13

So I shut the door and he just looks

54:15

on your couch. I'll never I'll never forget to

54:18

look on his face, and they just I wish you had video

54:20

for he went. His face dropped and he was like, are

54:22

you serious, dude? I

54:26

go, come on, man, and he was like, what

54:29

give him one? So

54:33

then I shut the door. I'm with with

54:35

all three in my bed, and now they

54:38

don't want to go at it with each other, which is weird. So there

54:40

is a lot more impressive than two though, Christie and I'm gonna

54:42

word, but like friend, it

54:45

was, it was sucked up. So then jerks

54:47

off in the corn. I feel bad for that guy.

54:50

So I'm want to suck that blow. Let's

54:52

puck that guy. Can you give me

54:54

that guy's number after the podcast because I want to follow

54:57

alright? Well, so then so

55:02

okay, door closes. He's like, whoo,

55:05

I don't think it's weird, Like I didn't want to look up with each other. That's

55:07

a lot. That's a big part of the reason I haven't more had.

55:10

I'm telling you that they want him. I'm telling you that and

55:12

that was fine, and that's that's fine. That's

55:14

fine if they don't they had him there, Why

55:17

were they hamburger when they had in

55:20

your four way game? They

55:23

weren't into it. I could be like, okay, you

55:25

know what I mean, you could take one and it seems like a lot of work.

55:27

I'm tired just planning this. And then

55:31

that was like I was hooking up at them individually, but they were on the

55:33

bed. It was so weird. Were they like masturbating

55:35

while they were waiting like like I

55:37

would have I would Were they playing candys

55:40

having sex with one making out with the other? Yeah?

55:43

Or eating someone? Or yeah, I guess and

55:45

then and then I guess. The best

55:47

moment was when they were they were they were taking

55:50

turns giving me a blow job. That was cool. Now,

55:52

how what was this setup? Can you kind of it was weird?

55:55

Were they all laying down?

55:59

No, okay, I'll be honest. Maybe I didn't

56:01

have of course, didn't have sex with all of them. No,

56:04

it's a foesome. Did you have? How many

56:06

did you have sex? Were they all naked at the same time,

56:08

two of them and then the other two? What did

56:10

you were their oral exchange? Yeah? Did

56:12

you eat any of them out? No? I

56:15

didn't. You are so rude. It

56:17

was it was a really weird because they weren't going It

56:19

was like I was talking up with them individually and it

56:21

was a little it's like a line. Wasn't that Yeah,

56:24

that's what it was like, And it wasn't. It wasn't They were like,

56:26

I can't believe he're doing this. It wasn't interactive.

56:28

I mean, I've seen porn where it's it was like this is gonna

56:30

be a cool story, but like this, this is

56:33

just not It wasn't like, like I

56:35

said, the highlight of it was when because I was wearing

56:37

condom obviously, was when I take the condom off and they

56:39

were all giving me. They were all kind of going, like what would

56:41

be making out with me? The other one would be giving me a blow job, but we're

56:43

just kind of watching Happy Birthday to you. But

56:46

I had a moment like I had kind of a situation

56:48

like did you college one? So yeah, yeah, yeah

56:51

on one of them, or like how

56:53

do you like they were to

56:55

tell they were kind of competing competing.

56:59

It was really cool. That's that's like a lot

57:01

of porn. I'd like to smack of money said porn.

57:04

I like the porn I like to

57:06

watch is similar to that situation. I

57:08

don't know why I like it when a guy

57:11

is just like like in down the

57:13

Line. I don't know why I like that. I really don't.

57:16

I like the idea of like giving giving

57:18

someone a blow job with my

57:21

friend, like with another girl with

57:23

one other like that. I like that idea. I

57:25

like that idea of you guys doing that also. Okay, I'm sure

57:28

you do, please don't. I'm sure he's on such harass

57:30

us on our own podcast. Thank you. Thanks, Okay,

57:34

so go ahead. No, I'm

57:36

just saying I was. I don't think you're like sex anymore.

57:38

I'm not even joking. Oh yeah, I don't

57:40

think I like it anymore. First off, I can't use

57:42

I don't, I don't. I don't like using condoms,

57:44

but I do, and

57:47

that's probably being single. I'll do it, but

57:50

it's like I almost don't even want to have sex if

57:52

I have. It's almost like I don't want to have actually because it's

57:54

it doesn't doesn't like it's

57:57

kind of like the condom now gets close to my dick,

57:59

and my dick is even kind of like why at

58:01

this point, why why? Because that really frustrates

58:04

because guys like, look, you can't feel

58:06

it that much, dude, I didn't committed

58:09

a relationship. And then you don't have to

58:11

use a condom anymore, don't. Yeah,

58:13

I mean oral sex you can still get STDs, but

58:17

yes you can. You can get std is

58:19

the herp but nobody uses You

58:21

can't get herpes from a blow John different

58:24

simplexes. And if you you know, if you blow

58:26

a guy with herpes, the guy

58:28

currently the guy her Yeah, the guy

58:30

is think guy can give it to Yeah, but if

58:32

a girl has herpies and you go, I mean that

58:35

you see it. But no one is using condoms

58:37

with oral sex. It's just not her opening. It's

58:40

just not people have one

58:42

of the one of our past guests has

58:44

before she she talked about it, right, you

58:46

know, I know here, and that was weird. I was weird. It's

58:49

just not because I remember coming

58:51

home from sex said class and like telling

58:53

my mother that you

58:56

had to use condoms

58:58

when when performing oral sex, and she's she goes,

59:01

she was like, nobody does. Even

59:05

if my mom's saying it's no princess,

59:09

I'm like, okay, so you're

59:12

You're dick gets limp when a condom just

59:14

is near. It's getting it to the point now where where

59:17

it's where I almost thought maybe it was something was wrong,

59:19

but then it's like I just think my dick is just like look,

59:21

dude, I mean I've been doing it for you for years

59:24

and like I don't like this and you don't

59:26

like this either. And when we were younger,

59:29

we would do it because it was like, yeah, another notch

59:31

under the belt because I was a pig guy. But

59:33

now it's like I'm not really I'm not like

59:36

if I'm if I'm sleeping with a new girl, with

59:38

a new girl, it's just like I mean, have stuff with the

59:40

girls. It's like it's there's nothing, there's a condom,

59:42

I don't really know where. It's just like who are you at this point?

59:45

You know what I mean. I'm like looking at her like what's your

59:47

story? I'm over

59:49

I'm over the one night stand. I really am I understanding

59:52

for me. It's like it's like there's

59:54

a certain sex obviously, like it's

59:56

for pleasure, but there's like a certain like closeness

59:59

usually if I'm having sex with something. This is why I always

1:00:01

have sex with friends, because it's like, means I want to get closer

1:00:03

to you a relationships.

1:00:05

They don't have a healthy relationship if you have to have sex

1:00:07

love your friends. What she doesn't have sex with all of her

1:00:09

friends, but friends. She prefers to have

1:00:11

sex with her friends versus r Oh

1:00:14

Jesus judging Judgerson over

1:00:16

here. No, so I like Judgers. So

1:00:19

I so, um, you know, I like to feel

1:00:21

like close. He just roof you

1:00:24

just put fuzz in my drink? What did you just

1:00:26

is that a roof of? Anyway?

1:00:29

So? No, this is getting real, guys, I'd

1:00:31

like to feel like very close to someone. Um,

1:00:33

and it's just like this level of intimacy. And if

1:00:35

I'm like literally like putting a trash mag oversized

1:00:38

dick, I'm like, maybe I don't like to

1:00:40

get close to you. It's it's a thin layer

1:00:43

of latex. No, no, no, I know it's it's it's

1:00:45

a it's a it's a mental thing. It's not for

1:00:47

me. It doesn't feel as good. And from what I'm hearing, the

1:00:49

bigger you the worst

1:00:51

it feels with a condom. Steven

1:00:54

has a big dick and he we wear condoms a lot.

1:00:56

Really, yeah, because

1:00:58

he's so petrified. He has this fear,

1:01:01

like how people are afraid of heights, are afraid of planes.

1:01:04

He is afraid of getting me pregnant.

1:01:06

Well, it feels better them because he's not worrying

1:01:10

exactly. That's why, exactly exactly.

1:01:12

I'm sure, of course it feels better without a condom, but

1:01:15

because where you can't stress isn't

1:01:17

worth yet. You can't stress during sex, yeah,

1:01:19

or else. I do sometimes I feel like girls

1:01:21

do all that. I mean, you stress a lot on my mind

1:01:23

wanders, and sometimes I'll just be like, I don't

1:01:25

really want to be doing this anymore, me to I hate

1:01:28

that. That's the worst. That means that's not good

1:01:30

sex. Even sometimes even if it

1:01:32

is, it's nothing good six it's just about

1:01:34

a lack of connection with that person, I think, more

1:01:36

so than the actual like not being

1:01:39

physically right. Yeah, gotta

1:01:41

be in the moment. I just looked a person. I

1:01:44

just looked up with an old flame recently, and it was really good

1:01:46

sex. You have that old laden

1:01:48

next old seventy Oh my god, yeah

1:01:51

it was and it was good and I know her, so

1:01:53

it felt it was just like, yeah, it was comforting,

1:01:55

and I'm such a hypochondriact that like first

1:01:58

first promiscuous as I am and for as

1:02:01

big as like, and I'm such a big hypochontract

1:02:03

that two don't mesh. Well, a

1:02:05

lot of people I know

1:02:08

ballpark number. No, I'm not going to give it, but I

1:02:11

know the number, and it's it's a it's

1:02:13

a lot, thank you, But not like

1:02:16

the number. I feel like people are very

1:02:18

hesitant to give out the number because,

1:02:21

uh number, that a number is a fact.

1:02:23

It's scary. It's right there, you can see

1:02:25

it. It's that scary though. People are

1:02:27

scared by it. Though, tell I'll tell a girl, I

1:02:30

mean, if she really really really wants to know. But like

1:02:33

most of the time when people ask that question, though

1:02:35

they don't want to know, do you have a

1:02:37

list of all those people? Honestly,

1:02:40

this is gonna sound so bad. I

1:02:42

don't even like even just this year,

1:02:45

I'd have to think I can't telling

1:02:49

people these book messages, and I would have to like, really,

1:02:52

I know exactly how many for me, but I it's and

1:02:54

I know every whoeveryone is and who everyone's

1:02:56

accounted for. I used to do that. I

1:02:58

used to have I used to have a and

1:03:01

I think I stopped with the list back

1:03:03

in two thousands, ten, I

1:03:05

think is when I when I was like, okay, well,

1:03:07

I feel like four years ago I stopped the list. But

1:03:09

sex, your relationship towards

1:03:11

sex evolves as you get older. Sometimes like

1:03:14

I don't want to keep going through my Facebook and I try

1:03:16

to and I try to, like go on my Facebook friends and see you had

1:03:18

a group girls I've fucked. Maybe I should

1:03:20

do that? You should? It's private, I think to you, I think you

1:03:22

can do that. Imagine if it wasn't,

1:03:25

I make sure make sure on that John

1:03:27

Vannelli has asked you, girls I've

1:03:29

fun I should do that. I

1:03:32

should just do that. It's

1:03:35

first, it's for a new show. It's for a new like hidden

1:03:37

camera show, could you guys do it? Or like something weird show

1:03:40

that wait wait, why is it a hit? That's

1:03:44

revenge porn? John question,

1:03:47

after that sweet little four way you had,

1:03:49

where did you just on one of the girl's faces? I think, did

1:03:51

you answer that question? Where one

1:03:54

of our mouths they was they were they were fighting

1:03:56

for it? Where was the where did the jis end up? I think

1:03:58

mouth one of the girls that this

1:04:01

sounds like not like I don't understand that this

1:04:03

fighting over. I mean, give me hands

1:04:05

come, this is John, this is

1:04:07

not your habits like you can have it.

1:04:10

I don't want it. It's okay, never

1:04:12

mind what you can't do that that

1:04:15

to us John. He smirked at me because he was gonna

1:04:17

say something. He's gonna say some kar and said,

1:04:19

never mind, no fucking touch, He's

1:04:22

not Brad Pitten. I was gonna stick up for myself and then realized I shouldn't

1:04:25

stick up for myself in the situation and just let what we're

1:04:27

going to say, you're better than Brad.

1:04:29

No, I was not going to say. This is what. I don't want to go into the

1:04:31

situation with you guys where you

1:04:34

were What were you going to say? You

1:04:36

know what you're gonna say? Yeah you do. It's so

1:04:38

crazy. I must have amnesia.

1:04:43

Oh no, shut the funk up, No, shut you shut.

1:04:45

That wasn't even come on your funny in that. What were gonna

1:04:48

say, um, just something on the lines of like, you

1:04:50

know, maybe they saw potential or I don't know, are

1:04:54

the talent scouts. Yeah, She's

1:04:59

like, I don't make your stop and

1:05:01

then she gozzled. All of my comment was crazy like

1:05:04

you're hired. It was crazy anyway, So

1:05:06

if you so, if one of those girls from the fourth sum

1:05:08

wanted to date you, seriously, would you ever date him

1:05:12

out with one? Well? He was she I

1:05:15

don't. This is why I hate like

1:05:18

girls fighting for your deck. Oh it's the worst

1:05:22

one of them. Like once or twice after and she

1:05:25

was starting to get like she was a little you

1:05:27

know, out there, and she was getting a little weird, and and

1:05:29

then I texted her friend once what do you mean by

1:05:32

out there? Trying to make hurt her and her friendly? And

1:05:35

I didn't want I didn't want the other

1:05:37

friend, but like the two

1:05:39

of them wanted to happen again. And then they got mad

1:05:41

at me for asking, and I was like, why would you get

1:05:43

mad at me for like, yeah, it happened once, the potential

1:05:45

of it happening again is probable. And I didn't

1:05:47

like the other one, and she was getting annoying, and then

1:05:49

she called me drunk and like I started

1:05:52

telling me that she was going to suck this comedian and I didn't

1:05:54

care, and also like now you're done to me

1:05:58

that guy a like,

1:06:00

so then she she ended up she ended up actually sleeping with this

1:06:02

other comedian who I don't I'm friends with now, but

1:06:04

I didn't really like at the time, and she knew that.

1:06:07

So she went to a comedy store found

1:06:09

him because he came up to me and he was like, I

1:06:11

think I because I think I sucked another girl

1:06:13

that you fucked, and I'm like, cool, man, bro,

1:06:17

I just want to tell you this isn't So

1:06:22

then I was like cool and I was like and

1:06:24

then he told me and I was like, no way,

1:06:26

that's hilarious, and I was like, how did that happen?

1:06:29

He goes she she's a comedy store

1:06:31

and she came up to me and she's like, what's your name? And I told her and

1:06:33

then she was like you're cute. And then I was like all right, cool

1:06:35

to hang out. And I was like, yeah, she did that to get at

1:06:37

me. It didn't get him because I like him. He

1:06:40

know that she sucked you. Then he asked

1:06:42

and then she told him. I

1:06:44

actually just had a girl from

1:06:48

It was right after me

1:06:50

and my ex broke up. It was actually got back together

1:06:53

one more time. She's going to hear this

1:06:55

anyway, girl, It's okay,

1:06:58

yeah, we're not saying in

1:07:00

between. So that we got together one

1:07:02

more time. But but um, so we broke

1:07:04

up and I did hook up with this girl

1:07:07

and she was I guess

1:07:09

she was from I don't know. I

1:07:11

don't remember how Twitter. Maybe she hit me up

1:07:13

on Twitter or something so or maybe on

1:07:16

Instagram or something. So

1:07:19

I was like, you know, she's a cute

1:07:21

twenty one year old. I was like, oh, great, So

1:07:24

we hook up one night and

1:07:26

then um, I got back with my ex

1:07:29

and I guess, um, then me

1:07:31

and my ex break up again, and now it's like this was

1:07:33

funnily that was the last time. So I was like, all right, So

1:07:36

then she uh, she

1:07:39

ends up coming to a show, which was fine, and then

1:07:41

she wanted to hang out with me after the show. But she was hanging around

1:07:43

me like we were together, and even the staff was like oh. And I

1:07:45

was like, so

1:07:49

I push, there's a couple of girls want to hang out with because

1:07:51

I was trying to get back in it back in the game, end

1:07:53

up ended up ended up with her hang

1:07:56

out. Were you just trying to funk? Were you trying

1:07:58

to get up? Honestly, this is one of

1:08:00

those relationshs like I added that I want to talk up with as many people

1:08:02

as possible because I felt like she was and I

1:08:05

ye know I felt that way, but I felt that way. I

1:08:07

felt like you wanted to feel equal to

1:08:09

home crying. Well she's

1:08:12

getting Yes, that's that's the worst. It

1:08:14

was a really bad feeling. And I really I'm

1:08:17

against doing that for the most part because usually

1:08:19

the girls like help, aren't that bad,

1:08:21

you know, but like this girl this was, aren't

1:08:23

that bad, You aren't that promiscuous, just

1:08:26

like, don't have to worry

1:08:28

about that. So it's like, Okay, they're not gonna play games.

1:08:30

It's like it's over, like we're gonna like

1:08:33

her. I feel like she was going to be like, oh,

1:08:35

you don't want me she so

1:08:37

you broke up with her and you think she literally was just going to be

1:08:39

like I'm gonna show John. Yeah, I wasn't sure

1:08:41

who she was. She threatened me to fun. My friends

1:08:44

knew. Well, there is such a thing as

1:08:46

fucking the pain away. Yeah,

1:08:48

there's a song about it. Yeah, because I

1:08:51

have certainly done that after a relationship,

1:08:53

and I never did you do it to get

1:08:56

back at the post. I've never gone out and fucked

1:08:58

somebody to get back at some Yeah,

1:09:00

I've I've the times that I've done that. It's just so

1:09:03

I can rid my memory

1:09:05

of that person. And exactly, I

1:09:07

didn't want them to be the last person. I

1:09:10

didn't want him to be the like, I just really wanted

1:09:12

this person. I wanted their energy

1:09:14

off of me. I wanted everything. I wanted to rid

1:09:16

myself with them, and I was really upset

1:09:19

so this girl. So then she goes back to my place again

1:09:21

and I was like talking to her and I

1:09:23

was like, all right, maybe I guess I'll just hook up with her again,

1:09:25

like whatever. She's very cute and she was actually

1:09:27

sweet, but it was just like it wasn't really into it. All

1:09:30

right, maybe I will. And then she starts to bring up this other

1:09:32

comic. He's very he's big comic. I

1:09:34

love him, a great guy. I'm not gonna say his name. Um,

1:09:37

I'm not gonna say his name because I'm not gonna put his dirty

1:09:39

laundry out there. But then she was like, um,

1:09:42

she could bring him up, and I go and he looks up and

1:09:45

I was like hmm. I was like did you I

1:09:47

was like, did you ever hung out with him? And she's like, what

1:09:50

do you mean? I go, Okay,

1:09:53

have you ever hung out with him, like it's

1:09:55

fine, but like, have you ever hung out with him? That's

1:09:58

what you meant. She was like, well yeah, and

1:10:00

I was like, when did you hang out with him? She goes like

1:10:02

today? And I go, did you? Did

1:10:04

you have sex with him today? And she was like

1:10:07

what? And I was like, looking

1:10:10

Atlantic City, I go, I'm gonna I'm gonna hit him

1:10:12

up now and ask him. He's gonna tell me did

1:10:14

you have sex with him today? And she was like, well, I didn't

1:10:16

know if I was going to see you again. And I go, yo,

1:10:19

dude, you girls are crazy. But

1:10:22

I don't what what what? What?

1:10:25

Don't funk? Two people that are friends in the same

1:10:27

day like just happens. But

1:10:29

but it does happen. But

1:10:34

wait, wait you want

1:10:37

it's not maniacal. I think she did that because

1:10:40

she's gonna make you feel like shit. No, no, I

1:10:42

just it's just like, revisit me in even

1:10:44

a week from now. That's even a little better. But

1:10:47

don't the same just you shouldn't have well

1:10:49

you know how you feel like when somebody wants

1:10:51

to both of us that it's

1:10:53

like, no, it's not. Because I'm telling

1:10:55

you straight up to your faces right

1:10:58

here, right now I'm not having sex

1:11:00

with one of you at one not the other

1:11:02

one doesn't know. And then later on I'm like, hey, do

1:11:04

you want to sneak? It's just yeah, it's gross

1:11:07

and it's not and I'm letting you know. Hey,

1:11:09

is this your cup of tea? Me? The two of you. You're

1:11:11

not letting me know. Hey, my friends, your friends.

1:11:14

Dick was in my mouth? Are you cool with that? No? I'm

1:11:16

not. Actually it's gross. But

1:11:18

meanwhile, you can have three friends in bed together

1:11:20

at the same But they wanted to do it, they were

1:11:23

they did it well they had

1:11:25

to. Yes, they didn't want to do it. Let now

1:11:27

you're reaching, Yeah, what do you what

1:11:30

you're used? If they really wanted to do that, I

1:11:32

think they obviously

1:11:34

they didn't want to want to. You want to call check

1:11:36

call one and see if they wanted to know? I mean

1:11:38

you can, that would be interesting. I haven't spoken to them and

1:11:40

so long. You got to put one of them on speaker. Yeah,

1:11:42

I'll try try. I mean, this is it. But as

1:11:45

we sucked first and while you're getting up her number,

1:11:47

I have a question. Um, was

1:11:49

the girl who looked up with your friend who was a big

1:11:51

comic and you was she a comedian or did

1:11:53

you want to be a comedian? So she just likes fucking

1:11:56

famous comedian? Wait? Wait, wait, so this is this? Do you want a

1:11:58

famous comedian? I'm sorry I left

1:12:00

my mouth. This

1:12:03

is the twenty one okay, because you kept going

1:12:05

back and forth because the other thing, too, is

1:12:07

like when you're twenty one or twenty

1:12:10

Oh god, what's her name? Taylor? Of

1:12:13

course Swift? Your Taylor

1:12:15

Swift. Bro, it's not Taylor. Pose

1:12:17

to the Taylor Swift. Put

1:12:19

it close to the mic. That's an accident. Hey,

1:12:22

I know I haven't spoken even so long. I

1:12:25

have a really weird question. What's

1:12:29

up? Remember that night that I hooked up with you

1:12:31

and your friends? Now, really,

1:12:39

what do you want? What did

1:12:41

you guys want to do it? Orre you not happy

1:12:43

that you did it? Just?

1:12:48

No one, just half a million

1:12:50

people? And I'm just kidding. Um,

1:12:55

like you you guys did it because you you were in the moment.

1:12:57

You want to have fun? Right, Well,

1:13:00

you guys did it because you're in the moment you wanted to have fun,

1:13:02

right sure? Okay,

1:13:07

because I'm with I'm with two girls and they think

1:13:09

that they're like, oh, you like manipulated them

1:13:11

into doing it, and I was like, no, I didn't they wanted to. Um

1:13:18

wait, what I really

1:13:20

remember? All right, that's convenient

1:13:22

to say Merry

1:13:26

Christmas? Yes,

1:13:28

okay, well Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,

1:13:31

and uh yeah, I saw

1:13:33

that you liked the status that I of someone that

1:13:35

I yeah, I

1:13:37

did like that. That was a good one. Thanks.

1:13:40

All right, well I'll talk to you later. Well maybe

1:13:43

good bye bye. I'm

1:13:48

kind of amazing. The first thing I want to hear

1:13:50

when I call someone is is this an excellent

1:13:54

I mean I think they picked it up? Do you think you picked it up?

1:13:56

Oh? No, we got it. I heard it my headphones.

1:13:58

I feel very conflicted about that because I feel

1:14:01

like, as a woman, we kind of that was kind

1:14:03

of sneaky and well she's not we're not going to name

1:14:05

you know, I know, I know Taylor, but Swift.

1:14:09

No, I mean, she didn't sound like Taylor Swift. She

1:14:11

sounded like j Wow. Un, let's tell hers ate

1:14:14

a pack of cigarettes. We jow. J was

1:14:16

a friend of the podcast. She's been almost a friend of the

1:14:18

podcast. Now. That's why I'm like, she's sounding like hello,

1:14:21

very cool, Oh my god.

1:14:23

Wow. Okay, So I'll

1:14:25

tell you there's nothing morphed down, not rape

1:14:28

than calling somebody I don't I'm

1:14:30

actually not aggressive with girls. I'm actually not aggresive,

1:14:32

and I think it's part of the charm. Well

1:14:36

well, Christina said, La said before the podcast,

1:14:38

She's like, why, I want to ask John why he's

1:14:40

so nervous around girls. And I was like, no, no, no, no, he's

1:14:42

nervous around people. By

1:14:45

people, You're just nervous. But I feel like you're nervous,

1:14:47

like in your bedroom. The last time we talked to that girl.

1:14:50

Oh god, I can't believe she picked

1:14:52

up which she that

1:14:55

was the one that you liked the most or no, she

1:14:58

was the one that I got a I actually

1:15:01

saw the eye with the most. Wow. Didn't

1:15:03

sound like it. Yeah, she sounded

1:15:06

like she hated you. But I remember

1:15:10

whenever I get you shut up? Does tell me that

1:15:12

she that that she's

1:15:14

still a little bit intrigued by

1:15:16

it? Absolutely? No, really

1:15:20

crazy, really really really

1:15:23

really crazy that your your end. It started

1:15:25

insane, it started crazy, and

1:15:27

it's just been who else can we call? Yeah?

1:15:30

I want you? Got anybody, Tiffany,

1:15:32

can I go? I almost had another foursome

1:15:36

after man because recently.

1:15:38

It was Remember that you heard me tell the story

1:15:41

on stage. Yeah, about about when

1:15:43

when I first started dating my ax. She pulled something

1:15:45

crazy and I was like, this is just your

1:15:47

this is over. What was it what she pulled? Can? I asked?

1:15:50

She just wait? Is this like this? Okay?

1:15:53

I want to I wanted you to tell the Bushes story. I love

1:15:56

the Bushes story. Bushes, this

1:15:58

is about hiding it a book. I was going

1:16:00

to New York. I was going quickly. I was going

1:16:02

to New York for a while. And uh, and it was the last

1:16:04

night and she went, we want to dinner, and then she was gonna

1:16:07

she was down the street and I show it laugh Factory

1:16:09

and uh, it is so dry, my

1:16:12

allergies. We're so beautiful

1:16:14

that you can't breathe. Well, that's what it is, so

1:16:17

I can be fine. But so the

1:16:19

girls are beautiful and now thank you. So

1:16:22

no, you're not you're not you know how I feel.

1:16:26

You're not gross. I know I'm not gross. I feel

1:16:28

gross because you you pietronize me

1:16:30

with your words, and now my vagina feels I'm

1:16:32

pretty sure I'll make it feel better. Set

1:16:35

yourself up anyway,

1:16:38

Bushes, So I'll say that. So so

1:16:41

we're so I had to show a laugh

1:16:43

factory, and I was like, hey, I'll come come

1:16:45

out of eleven forty five. I'm on the midnight show. I'll come walking

1:16:47

with me to be a male comic. So we

1:16:50

know, just walk any puss christ

1:16:52

So we're so no. But so it's like, so she said she was

1:16:54

leaving at like eleven forty and she was right down the block

1:16:57

and then it was like eleven

1:16:59

forty five and I was like, hey, you close. And

1:17:01

then I realized that the texting and get delivered,

1:17:04

and I had already kind of a weird feeling about her. It's

1:17:06

like called and it went straight to voicemail, and I was

1:17:08

like, wow, her phone is maybe went dead.

1:17:10

Give it a little bit of a window. That's fine. Two,

1:17:15

I called back phone still dead. Now

1:17:17

I'm actually a little concern at this point

1:17:19

because it doesn't rain in l A. And it

1:17:21

was actually drizzling and the roads, dude

1:17:23

gets slick. She drives, you know,

1:17:25

a smart car because she's a dumb bitch, and so

1:17:28

would I John Hating

1:17:30

the Environment podcast. So

1:17:32

I was looking down the road like,

1:17:35

oh no, Like I was looking on the road for like sirens.

1:17:37

I was like, oh no, maybe something happened, Like you

1:17:39

know, I'm looking at dorpened

1:17:44

that happened. I was concerned. I was looking to the world. But

1:17:47

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what's funny about Do

1:17:50

you know what's really funny? I went to is

1:17:52

her ghost? Is that this is the ghost? But

1:17:56

that's what happened. I went from being being like I

1:17:58

went from being like a little concerned, like I

1:18:00

hope she's hope she's okay too quickly

1:18:02

being like, well she better be dead, you

1:18:04

know what I mean, where

1:18:08

I'm like a bitch, better

1:18:11

be dead. It goes like this, you get it goes, it

1:18:13

goes okay, it's the time hits when you're supposed to

1:18:15

meet. Then you get annoyed that the person is late. You get

1:18:17

even more annoyed. Then you get concerned,

1:18:20

and then you wished us, and then you imagine them.

1:18:23

The only

1:18:26

time now it's gonna be acceptable when they

1:18:28

call you is if when they when you answer, you go hello, and

1:18:30

they go, hey, I'm calling you from hell like I'm dead.

1:18:32

You know, it's pretty bad. I

1:18:35

belong here and you're like, yeah you do, Okay, we

1:18:37

have and This

1:18:39

is why lies are important, because after a certain

1:18:42

time, if you're so and

1:18:47

I'm doing what I think anyone would do in this situation, and

1:18:49

I'm calling her back every like three

1:18:51

to five second, you know that's really intense

1:18:53

control mode, right, John, Well, because I have to go

1:18:55

inside to do my show and I don't know where she is,

1:18:57

and it's just sucking up and I'm just like it was fun up

1:19:00

his flow because he's like, is my

1:19:02

dick gone? Because I was

1:19:04

leaving for New York the next day and I'm like, what is she in

1:19:06

the Morning's

1:19:09

supposed to drive me? So now you're like, I'm

1:19:11

not, I don't have a ride. I

1:19:15

mean, I love thirty. Her

1:19:17

phone turns on. Guys, he has the cell

1:19:19

phone in his hand. He's waving as

1:19:22

well. He's fucking status

1:19:24

laws back to the for for

1:19:27

a proximately for

1:19:29

approximately minutes, her phone's

1:19:31

been off. Let me tell you about a cell phone going

1:19:33

dead in two thousand and fourteen. Please tell

1:19:36

us your cell phone goes dead and

1:19:38

you have a car, and you have a car charger. This

1:19:40

is your deal. You have five minutes to get to your car.

1:19:43

You have five minutes for your the

1:19:46

phone as you have later

1:19:49

that I'll give you all the thirteen minute window

1:19:51

and then I'll even tag on seven minutes

1:19:54

just for good luck. Wow, how generous, so sweet,

1:19:58

and your phone was scared. Do you get

1:20:00

twenty minutes before you get hit? Where

1:20:02

you are? But if you're if you're walking to

1:20:04

your car, that comes. If you're down the block

1:20:07

walking to your car to come see me in your car,

1:20:09

chargers in your car, one of these you're

1:20:16

you're giving us on a silver platter

1:20:19

job twenty minutes, twenty

1:20:22

minutes. Anytime after twenty minutes,

1:20:24

you're sucking someone? You know, what's

1:20:26

your insane to belong

1:20:30

together? One

1:20:32

time Car went on a date and told the guy what he wore

1:20:34

for Halloween three years ago? Really, can

1:20:37

I look at that? Facebook? So then

1:20:40

then she she called me costume

1:20:43

from seven years How

1:20:45

did you know what he wore? She looked

1:20:47

that shut up? Wait, what's first?

1:20:50

So she just ends up. She just ends up, no excuse

1:20:53

for why her phone was off. Forty five minutes she comes, she calls

1:20:55

me, She's like I'm here, and I was like, okay.

1:20:57

She goes, can I park and she was gonna park in green? Asked

1:20:59

her she's behind pretty

1:21:02

much better

1:21:05

be on letterhead, you bitch. Hey, if

1:21:07

you're better,

1:21:09

have a doctor's note. That's rules.

1:21:14

Can I make a book to sell it Urban outfitters? It's

1:21:16

just called Rules for Dating John Camping? So

1:21:18

can I finished? Yes, yes, all

1:21:21

right, make a long story short please like

1:21:25

it's happening here we

1:21:28

do, Okay. Anyway, She's like, you're

1:21:30

being crazy and I was like all right whatever. She's

1:21:33

like, what do you think I was doing? Fucking a dude? I was like, yeah, now,

1:21:35

especially why would you say that? Yeah, that's what I

1:21:37

think. And she looked a little like

1:21:40

I was like, what were you just? So she's like okay,

1:21:42

well I'm going to leave, and I go, okay, bye,

1:21:45

and she's like don't call me. I go not gonna,

1:21:47

this is like, and

1:21:52

then don't text me either, and I go, yeah, I'm not I'm

1:21:54

not gonna. I'm not going to do that. Can you

1:21:56

give me a right to the airport? Boy? And

1:21:58

then John was like sucking

1:22:00

another guy. I don't think I don't

1:22:02

know this, God damnit. So then I go

1:22:04

on stage and I tell the story and there's and

1:22:06

then she knows about the force

1:22:08

in my head and she would always bring it up. She made her uncomfortable,

1:22:11

even though it was before HERD made her uncomfortable. So I

1:22:13

don't know why they want Well, it makes you uncomfortable

1:22:15

thinking of a girl you like with a cock in their mouth. So

1:22:18

so that's the pot calling

1:22:21

the kettle black. So then there's three that

1:22:23

happens to be three girls, three hot rolls in the front.

1:22:25

And I'm like, are you guys, are you guys

1:22:27

like understand? Are you guys like on board me with the

1:22:29

story? And like I was telling the story that had

1:22:32

just happened. How she didn't because I was like going

1:22:34

into it more. I was like, yeah, then you know

1:22:37

I was going through the story a lot more and being more articulate about

1:22:39

because it just happened, and I don't know why. It was hitting

1:22:41

so hard that there has even a laugh. Factory sat

1:22:43

down when she was laughing. The manager she was like, but

1:22:46

anytime something just happens to you needs hout on

1:22:48

stage that rage inside you.

1:22:50

It always goes hilarious, very vulnerable.

1:22:52

Right now, do you understand where I'm coming? Are you on board with me? And

1:22:55

one goes you're hot, let's have a foursome.

1:22:57

I look up to the sky, and I say, thank

1:23:00

you God, Yeah, thank you God. Karma is

1:23:02

a bitch, you know what I mean? Are you a religious

1:23:04

man? John? For this moment? I was in

1:23:07

that moment. So

1:23:10

then they all then I go,

1:23:13

hey, girls, take a picture with me. I'm gonna post

1:23:15

on social media in

1:23:17

my face. They did. She sees

1:23:19

it, she likes it. The girl. This

1:23:23

girl, the girl. I was just talking to it when

1:23:25

she wasn't anything yet. Oh God, you got so mad

1:23:27

at her. And because

1:23:30

there's way more to her than you're not picking

1:23:33

up. It was just it was it was just

1:23:35

like, what are you doing, dude? You're supposed to be here,

1:23:37

You're down the road. Like it's just like,

1:23:41

just like what do you It's just like it. And

1:23:43

I was already kind of in my head like, so

1:23:46

I have the three girls come to my apartment

1:23:48

and I'm going in one year,

1:23:50

I'm not even famous, Like That's

1:23:52

what I was thinking to myself. Can we edit

1:23:55

that out? Can we edit that out? Alright?

1:23:57

So we don't edit anything. That's how I felt.

1:23:59

That's I felt. I was like, this is crazy, Like this doesn't

1:24:02

happen. So they come back to my apartment

1:24:05

and they're looking

1:24:07

up for some positions because they don't know how to do it. And

1:24:09

I was like, oh wow, when you got to google it

1:24:12

there from Philadelphia, they were yeah,

1:24:15

Philly girl. So

1:24:18

then we're starting to get into it a little bit

1:24:20

like started. I started to like start to get into like, Okay, let's

1:24:23

you know, make this move. And then she calls

1:24:25

and I'm like, I'm not picking up this phone call. And

1:24:28

then um, and then all of a sudden,

1:24:31

I had this weird feeling and I go, oh no.

1:24:33

I was like, all right, let's get to let's

1:24:35

get to work quick. That's that's what I'm thinking in my

1:24:37

head. All of a sudden,

1:24:40

I hear my front gate buzz. Oh.

1:24:43

Then I just hear on my

1:24:45

door, and I don't know what to do, so I just go to the girls and

1:24:50

then I shoot after it was already

1:24:52

on, and they're like what like loud

1:24:55

like what I was like, And then I

1:24:57

hear it, go, I can hear you, John,

1:25:00

I'm a human opened the door, and I'm

1:25:02

like, first off, I'm not I'm not your human

1:25:04

yet. Yeah, oh god, I'm not convinced

1:25:06

you're an alien. And then basically

1:25:09

she like leaves because I don't answer, and

1:25:12

then and then they're like, this is

1:25:14

weird, and I'm like, well, let's get to this quick. And then

1:25:16

she comes back, and then you

1:25:18

come on the girls, and then then they're like, then

1:25:20

the girls go. Then the girls go, that's

1:25:23

farces the

1:25:27

I don't want this is weird. And then the girls left,

1:25:29

so I got cocked blocked, and then she came back. No

1:25:32

coming, nothing happened, No

1:25:36

naked were at

1:25:40

all. Did they think it was your wife

1:25:42

or something. No, they were like, y'all are in love or

1:25:44

something like some Philly accent and I was like, not

1:25:46

Philadelphia, Yeah you got and

1:25:50

they were like this is too weird for us, and they left in a new because

1:25:52

of the girl's sense that you're obviously just doing

1:25:54

it over another girl. Why I was

1:25:56

doing it in my head, but the picture

1:25:58

was to funk over that girl. Well to having

1:26:02

the three girls there. It's like, I don't believe you're ever

1:26:04

really over anything, because you're you.

1:26:07

You're one of the most neurotic ever met.

1:26:11

You guys would be trouble together, do

1:26:14

not support Yes, you're

1:26:16

both neurotic about stuff. I

1:26:19

mean you're both neurotic. You're a little more

1:26:21

yeah, I mean you're you actually I think you need to see

1:26:23

somebody. Do

1:26:26

you think you need to see somebody? Have you ever seen

1:26:28

some a therapist? You?

1:26:31

I think everybody in entertainment should. I

1:26:34

think everybody. Well, I mean that's

1:26:36

what stand up is for. Though. Our

1:26:39

guys horny all the time? You

1:26:42

answer that very quickly because we're not really

1:26:44

well, I think, especially as you get older, not that John is

1:26:47

very old, but as you I think young

1:26:49

early twenties guys are always horny. It's quicker

1:26:51

to fuck more, like more because

1:26:54

it's like they can't. But but here's the thing,

1:26:56

like like I feel like it's more like they're

1:26:59

not. They don't want a waste good pussy that's there,

1:27:02

you know. Like over the holiday break, I couldn't.

1:27:04

I there was just not time to have sex, and

1:27:06

I wanted to have sex so bad, and I was so

1:27:09

horny, and I was like, is this what a guy feels

1:27:11

like all the time? Because if so, I totally

1:27:14

get why they're trying. They're slam puss every night?

1:27:16

Right, Well, I mean that was that all

1:27:19

the two will

1:27:21

say this, we do have to release. If

1:27:24

we don't, it gets weird. Yeah,

1:27:26

I mean we have to. Actually, I mean girls,

1:27:28

girls get pent up two and Ani, it's

1:27:31

not the same. You don't actually have to release, like, no,

1:27:33

cage animals need to be let go. Yeah, we have cage

1:27:35

animals. Thank you. You're right, And we have to we

1:27:38

have to masturbate, like we have to. Like

1:27:40

I'm not saying I'm warning all the time, but it's like I

1:27:42

can't go that long. It's like I I go, like, Okay,

1:27:45

they have to come out. You know, they're they're

1:27:47

going to let me out of here. So your sperm,

1:27:49

Yeah, your sperm want to get out of that prison. That

1:27:51

is your balls. Yeah, they really do

1:27:54

it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is masturbation. I mean,

1:27:56

if I was stuck in John Camp, do you masturbate a lot?

1:27:58

At me out? How often you massa? Do

1:28:00

you watch porn? No? I don't. Have

1:28:03

you ever had any uh sex with

1:28:05

multiple people and there was a guy there? Would

1:28:08

you ever know there's a dick in the room? Why?

1:28:11

Why is that so weird? I

1:28:13

mean I've hooked up with like girls and my friends

1:28:15

and my friend hooking up with a girl and like we're maybe in the same

1:28:17

room or something. Yeah, never, like

1:28:20

you know, I don't know. Crossing swords yeah,

1:28:23

No, never anything like that. If

1:28:25

I was a straight guy, specially

1:28:27

I was a gay guy, I just like whip my dick against

1:28:29

an other guys I mean fun, I

1:28:33

would touch the too, the whole. I would put

1:28:35

my dick every piece of furniture in

1:28:37

the house. I've had some. I've had some. I definitely had some weird

1:28:39

I've had some crazy sexual escapades some more I think

1:28:41

about it. What's why? What's the razier

1:28:44

than No? I don't. I don't know what you just thought

1:28:46

of something. No, I'm just thinking about, whe's

1:28:48

the weird place you've had sex? I don't

1:28:50

know. I don't know where in your

1:28:52

name a weird place that you've had sex?

1:28:55

Is it weird to say that I've done so much that

1:28:57

I don't know well as

1:29:00

your kind of sexual history

1:29:02

blockage going on now? Not blockage.

1:29:04

I just can't think, like, what do you mean? Like, John, you've

1:29:07

been begging me to get like, have

1:29:09

you had sex in a grocery store at

1:29:12

noon? When Will Ferrell's

1:29:14

trying to buy cereal? Right now? I haven't done

1:29:16

stuff like that because I don't. I

1:29:19

can't, like, I don't know. It's like I feel like I'm

1:29:22

already so in my head that if I do, like

1:29:24

at a grocery store, I'm not gonna be able

1:29:26

to, like, you know, have fun right

1:29:28

to Yeah, you're you're too much in your head to have

1:29:31

an orgasm. I know I've enjoying John Yavinelli.

1:29:33

I love having sex in beds, and I know

1:29:35

I've done that's my favorite place. I know

1:29:37

I've done stuff and love some places. I just don't

1:29:39

know why I'm drawing a blank. Huh. What's

1:29:42

the Bushes story? Is

1:29:44

it too long? No? Go ahead, that's

1:29:47

our That'll be our last story because we do have to wrap.

1:29:49

Okay, I've been talking for overall story.

1:29:52

Okay, do you have a better story, like a sexual

1:29:54

story. We're gonna have to have another podcast

1:29:57

that's just the bushes story because not really

1:29:59

now it's b the

1:30:01

story a story. What story do you want? There's

1:30:04

a better story? Okay? Okay,

1:30:06

So I feel like it's just this. I like

1:30:08

this story because it tells um

1:30:11

it's kind of in my head a crazy girl

1:30:14

thing. But it shows that guys are crazy. Guys

1:30:17

are we are crazy. It's so reassuring to know

1:30:19

that guys are crazy too, but not for like

1:30:21

for instance, Okay, here here's a deal. I was very

1:30:24

very I don't have time to really articulate

1:30:26

or really get into this relationship I was in, but it

1:30:29

was very very You would never understand

1:30:31

how deep John's love was. So that

1:30:34

have you ever been with someone where you you really felt

1:30:37

like they were doing ship and you pretty much had

1:30:39

everything you needed, but you didn't have that one piece of evidence

1:30:41

that was like, man, I can't really prove

1:30:43

it beyond a reasonable doubt. I think

1:30:46

maybe, but like, so that's what this was. It

1:30:48

was like I was hearing things and but like I couldn't

1:30:50

really she was so good at covering your tracks. I mean

1:30:53

this girls are but but it was. But if you feel that

1:30:55

about a person, just walk away. I know. But it

1:30:57

was still too soon to give it a chance, because

1:31:00

there's always that voice in your head that's like, well maybe it's

1:31:02

maybe I'm maybe it's in my head even

1:31:05

though it is so I just ruined my furniture.

1:31:07

So I had a spot at the Ha Ha Comedy Club.

1:31:10

I like how every story Start Trek was

1:31:12

it in Burbank because I was that John Love's

1:31:14

comedy club. Because I closed down, but because

1:31:16

I I was a danger

1:31:18

fields. My favorite place comedy anyway,

1:31:23

Hey women no women before so anyway,

1:31:26

So okay, So and I was like, hey,

1:31:29

are you gonna come over after my spot? And she was like, well,

1:31:31

how long I'm gonna be? And I knew ever

1:31:33

like that, you know she did, and I knew

1:31:36

that meant I'm not gonna I don't

1:31:38

want to wait for you quote unquote, even though she wasn't doing

1:31:41

it and she could have just waited. It was just like a power thing.

1:31:43

So I was like, how long you g I think ten

1:31:45

thirties. She goes, if you're later than that, then I'm

1:31:47

gonna go. And she said wherever she was gonna go something like party

1:31:49

or something, and I was like, okay, cool, not to meet

1:31:51

up with a friends, a couple of friends. I was like, okay, cool, just

1:31:53

drink. I'm gonna go to Dave Chappelle's house have a year,

1:31:57

like a little around

1:31:59

ten thirty. I was like, hey, I'm done. I'm gonna be done in a second.

1:32:02

She was like, well, I'm gonna go. I should be. I

1:32:04

should be done, like you know, like one.

1:32:06

I was like, are you gonna come over aft there? She's like, I don't know. And I was

1:32:08

like, all right, I don't want to deal with this. Okay, fine,

1:32:12

So so now

1:32:15

I'm getting back to my place and I'm

1:32:17

like, you know what, I want to go to comedy store because I haven't

1:32:19

heard from her. I was just kind of like, I wasn't tired. I was like, I'll

1:32:21

go see what's going on there. It's kind of late. It was around Levin,

1:32:24

it was around it was midnight now, so

1:32:27

um, I have to I'm driving

1:32:29

down Santa Monica and I passed the

1:32:31

most motion driving. I passed down,

1:32:33

I passed. I

1:32:36

have to so

1:32:38

I drive a cozy coop I passed. I passed

1:32:40

down her streets energy

1:32:44

I drive. I drive down the street going to

1:32:47

UM going to comedy store. But I just

1:32:49

drive down a street. It wasn't even think anything of it. I would that they

1:32:52

had to go. You know, obviously you're

1:32:55

trying you a very honest story, So you have to understand

1:32:57

that everything I'm saying is very true

1:32:59

in this story, because I don't make myself looking at the end of

1:33:01

this. So it's like it's a very true. I'm

1:33:03

feeling I'm getting yelled at. So I'm driving

1:33:06

and I'm not I'm not thinking about looking down

1:33:08

the street. I figured she's not home. As I'm driving,

1:33:10

I see on the other side of the road this

1:33:13

fucking stupid smart

1:33:15

car. Drive normal

1:33:18

car, not a yellow car. It looks like a highlighter. I

1:33:20

would have not even noticed. Get changed car, you know

1:33:22

what I mean, Like you want me to see this? So

1:33:24

I was like, that's weird by her street,

1:33:27

her car. No, And

1:33:29

then she makes a left in front of my car and

1:33:31

goes into the steven eleven she always goes to. I go that

1:33:34

bitch is getting blunt. Yeah,

1:33:37

so I pull you turn

1:33:41

around. I go down the street the

1:33:44

other way, down the street where

1:33:46

I'm not in the seven eleven parking lot, but I can see in

1:33:48

the parking lot, and I'm like, is she kidding

1:33:50

me? At this point, we're pretty much

1:33:53

I don't remember if we were boyfriend girlfriend yet. I

1:33:55

think we pretty much were like we were like we

1:33:57

were we were on the serious side. And

1:34:00

I was like, and she was at my place every night

1:34:02

like this was it was fast, It was

1:34:04

serious, yeah, serious. Well,

1:34:06

this is a couple of months in now, because I was in New York for Lord, but there's

1:34:08

a couple of months in now, So I'm

1:34:10

like, what is going on. So I see she gets out

1:34:12

by herself, so she's just with herself and that's okay. She

1:34:15

has back in her car. She pulls down the

1:34:17

road. I go, that's interesting. So I text

1:34:19

her, Hey, how's wherever she was? How's

1:34:21

whoever she was with? And she goes and then she respond

1:34:24

and I was like, that's interesting because I know she's sucking

1:34:26

home. You know, yeah, you

1:34:29

were probably like there's a little devil on your shoulder,

1:34:31

like dancing, like doing Dougie. I pulled

1:34:33

down the street over from her. I parked

1:34:35

my car. I walked down an

1:34:38

alley. Oh my god, I'm

1:34:40

a g gonna

1:34:44

listen. I'm a grown adult man running

1:34:47

down an alley and

1:34:51

I can see there's a second there's a

1:34:53

second entrance to her apartment. I'm looking

1:34:56

over the through

1:34:58

bushes, going I

1:35:01

gotta get out of this. Because that

1:35:04

was the moment I go, yeah, this is just not regardless

1:35:07

of if she's doing nothing, this is an unhealthy

1:35:09

relationship. I think it's time

1:35:11

for me to just say I think we should see other people.

1:35:13

And I'm pretty sure you are. We are find

1:35:15

yourself in bushes, I mean bushes

1:35:17

by a dumpster. Yeah, when

1:35:22

so then then I'm like, I'm looking over.

1:35:24

I'm trying not to. I'm like, I'm trying to. I'm

1:35:26

trying to blend in. I'm trying to blend

1:35:29

in with the wall. I'm looking, I mean, like

1:35:31

the worst. So then I look

1:35:33

over. I hear her door. I go, and then I call her.

1:35:35

Doesn't pick up. I'm like, is she kidding

1:35:37

me? You have is this

1:35:39

is not a control issue? Yeah, calling

1:35:42

is a control It's like you secretly want to

1:35:44

catch her and want moment.

1:35:47

Yeah, So I go. So then

1:35:49

I hear a door slam. I fucking just drop

1:35:51

and do like a commando roll or like a Judo roller.

1:35:54

I look back up. I'm like, oh, I just take

1:35:56

off down this alley. Now I get

1:35:59

in my car. I circle around the block.

1:36:01

Her car, no listen,

1:36:03

her car is gone. She hasn't

1:36:05

responded me. I go, all right, well whatever, I'm

1:36:07

not going to know what she's doing. She's sucking obviously. This

1:36:10

is you know, this is I pretty much caught her red handed.

1:36:12

This. She could have been at a party and said I forgot.

1:36:16

So this is what happens. I'm

1:36:18

now I'm defeated. I've got Miley Cyrus

1:36:21

was on the radio I'll never forget. And I turned up

1:36:23

which one can't stop, and I turned

1:36:25

it up and I'm a little emotionally driving and I

1:36:31

was like, I you know, that's

1:36:33

it, you know, that's it. Whatever my song after like two

1:36:35

or three. Because I only live like a mile and a half from

1:36:37

her place, so I'm driving,

1:36:40

I make a wrong turn on purpose. I'm trying to like along,

1:36:42

you know, make the drive a little longer. It's a little upset. I was

1:36:44

what then am I gonna do? And all of a sudden,

1:36:46

I say she's calling me, and I was like, oh

1:36:49

god, you know, like where

1:36:51

you know? This should be good? Yeah, And

1:36:54

I pick up. I'm like hello, and then I just hear

1:36:56

her in like a bitchy voice go where

1:36:58

are you? And I was like, what

1:37:02

do you mean? Where

1:37:04

are you? And She's like, I'm at your place

1:37:06

and why aren't you here? I thought you were going to

1:37:08

be here. That's weird. And

1:37:11

I was like, this bitch is doing to me. Yeah.

1:37:16

So I get to my apartment and I felt

1:37:19

I was like, oh my god, this is I

1:37:21

went up to her. It was the most romantic thing everybody had

1:37:23

ever done to me. And I went up to her and I gave

1:37:26

her a big bug and she was like what and I

1:37:28

felt and I was like not

1:37:31

nothing. And I just looked at her and I go, but you know, I'm going

1:37:34

to be honest with you. You can't just be

1:37:36

showing up my apartment like this classic

1:37:41

capanel and scene.

1:37:45

I love that story because I feel like it helped

1:37:47

me. I felt closer to John after we've

1:37:50

had some stocking moments together. She

1:37:52

had a woman show called stock. Yeah, I love stocking

1:37:55

go. And that's actually really not I'm gonna be honest

1:37:57

with you. That's really really out of character for me, really

1:38:00

because my only

1:38:02

murdered someone once. Do

1:38:06

I really I'm very good at If I start

1:38:08

really feeling like you're shady, I just cut it off, like

1:38:10

I really don't. I really don't like dealing with

1:38:13

it. And it was just something. It was something.

1:38:15

Oh yeah, I don't usually stock people because I think they're

1:38:17

cheating. I'm just curious. I don't. I don't. I don't

1:38:19

even want to get into I don't really even want to get into it. Well,

1:38:22

you talked about double Sanrange a little bit. To remember, were talking about

1:38:24

that on the phone. We are over

1:38:27

time, but you were a joy

1:38:29

and a pleasure, and I hope that you take

1:38:31

me up on the offer. Yeah,

1:38:34

you are part of yourself and I love that about you. Um,

1:38:36

where can we find you? On Twitter? Online? Find

1:38:38

yourself? This is your moment. You're so excited. Okay,

1:38:41

have it. You can

1:38:43

find me Twitter and Instagram.

1:38:46

John Campannelli one at John

1:38:48

camp Campell was already taken. Huh. It was some

1:38:50

damn it idiot fucking Italian some

1:38:53

pizza shop j O H N C A

1:38:55

M P A N E L L I one. I

1:38:57

have. I have an album out called Nervous. Of

1:39:00

course, it's called Nervous. It's on iTunes, It's

1:39:02

on Amazon, It's on CD baby go get it,

1:39:05

download it. Bitches support Johnny should

1:39:07

support them awesome. Also,

1:39:11

if you're I know you guys have a lot of listeners that yeah,

1:39:13

do you have you want to plug? I

1:39:15

do. I'm every Wednesday at Laugh Factory ten pm.

1:39:17

It's okay. It's called Comedy

1:39:19

Trend with John Campanelli and it's a really hot

1:39:22

show every Wednesday ten pm. It's huge. Names

1:39:25

and if anyone, especially from this podcast,

1:39:27

if you guys message me on you know, Instagram

1:39:30

or Twitter, or you can even find me on Facebook. I'll get

1:39:32

you guys free tickets if you're in the area. Nice tell

1:39:36

listen to one guys, we fucked well. This has been another

1:39:38

rousing episode. Are you guys gonna

1:39:40

sunk after? I don't know what I'll be if

1:39:43

we if it happened. If someone said to me

1:39:46

like right now, hey, you guys, I have a crystal ball on you

1:39:48

guys in the future, you funk, I'd go, Okay, Yeah, you're not gonna

1:39:50

go what And

1:39:52

that's very sweet of you? Um

1:39:54

okay. Follow us on Twitter, s r y about

1:39:57

less NYT rate us on

1:39:59

iTunes and comments and rate us

1:40:01

and tell us we're the best, and uh

1:40:03

yeah, we'll see you next week. Sucker's he'll

1:40:06

repress you. Teach every

1:40:10

move you me everyone

1:40:14

you break, every step you

1:40:17

take a copy, watching every

1:40:22

single day, every

1:40:26

word you see very

1:40:31

you be very not you

1:40:33

stay, I'll be watching cat

1:40:39

you see