0:00

Hammy My Purse is a production of iHeart

0:02

Podcasts, so

0:06

on Michelle's

0:09

Internet, And if you don't know

0:11

who Michelle A is, shame

0:13

on you. I

0:16

found this and read it, and

0:18

I saved it actually to

0:21

share at the top of the

0:23

show or a show,

0:27

And it says here, shout

0:30

out to at

0:32

Michelle C. Clark on Instagram

0:35

and threads, because a

0:37

lot of the things that I read come from either

0:40

him or Young Pueblo.

0:43

I've said that before, But shout out to them because

0:46

they have a lot of great content. So go follow them

0:48

first and foremost, but shout out to them. I'm

0:50

grateful for all the wonderful things I share

0:53

with you that I get from the two of them.

0:58

So it says, and I love this.

1:00

It says, at

1:02

some point, you gotta be real

1:05

with yourself about the gap

1:08

between the life that you want to live

1:11

and the life that your daily habits

1:13

are leading you towards.

1:16

Come on now, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,

1:18

No what WHOA

1:21

that's heavy. I'm

1:24

gonna read it two more times for you because I want this

1:26

to get in your bones. At some point,

1:29

you gotta be real with yourself about

1:31

the gap between the life you want

1:34

to live and the life

1:36

that your daily habits are

1:39

leading you towards.

1:44

Listen, you

1:46

know what this is about. Accountability,

1:49

self accountability mm

1:52

hmm. And reflection, self

1:54

reflection, self accountability last

1:57

time. Okay,

2:02

At some point you

2:06

you gotta be

2:08

real with yourself about

2:11

the gap between

2:13

the life that you want

2:15

to live. Okay, the

2:18

life that you want for yourself and

2:20

the life that you're everyday living,

2:23

the life that your daily habits are

2:26

leading you towards.

2:28

Listen, O, get

2:30

with it.

2:49

I can't see the thing that happen. Okay,

2:52

what's up, y'all? Welcome to Handy My Purse

2:54

the podcast. I am Mimi Walker, and

2:56

I will be your forever host each

2:59

and every single time you tune into

3:01

this podcast. So go ahead and get comfortable.

3:04

Get yourself a glass of your favorite beverage,

3:06

whether that is some astragoless

3:09

tea with lemon and cinnamon, some

3:11

of that gallon fruit punch from the nineteen

3:13

hundreds. Remember that gallon fruit punch that would

3:16

be at everybody's cookout, picnic,

3:18

or party, and it would be on

3:20

the East Coast or in Maryland and Baltimore.

3:23

The famous brand was clover Land, but it

3:25

could be any brand, and they all

3:28

kind of tasted the same. But as somebody who

3:30

really likes fruit punch, especially ghetto

3:33

fruit punch, they did not all taste the same.

3:35

But anyway, that or an

3:37

ice cold glass of cow's milk?

3:40

Do people still drink glasses of just milk

3:44

like cow's milk? I know, there's so many milks.

3:46

I went in the store,

3:50

my local bougie

3:53

grocery store that I shop at, and

3:55

there were so many milks, cashiw milk,

3:58

pustashio milk, oat milk, coconut

4:00

milk, almond

4:02

milk, soy milk. I

4:05

said, Oh, so many milks

4:08

I deal, So I didn't know what to choose.

4:10

So I just went with unsweetened

4:15

vanilla almond milk for my new morning

4:19

drink that I have to drink. That's

4:22

a whole nother story. We'll talk about that on another

4:24

episode. But anyway, do people still

4:26

drink cow's milk? Is my question? Who

4:28

in the hell can process

4:31

cow's milk on their whole

4:34

American stomachs in twenty twenty

4:36

three, Because I can't, because

4:38

if I drink it, I would be out of the game. I'd be

4:40

out of commission for twenty four to thirty six hours

4:43

and the cramping that would occur in my stomach.

4:45

Good Lord, anyway,

4:48

I want to know do people still drink cow's milk?

4:51

Anyway? Go light yourself a candle,

4:53

like yourself, some incense, or burn some sage,

4:55

and just get ready to chill out and have a good time, because

4:57

that's what we're about to do. Okay, okay,

5:01

cool? What's

5:13

up? Friends and ken? It's Memi resident

5:15

Auntie Supreme, here at hand me my purse,

5:18

and today I am

5:20

sipping on an iced

5:22

crimbrew let latte from none

5:25

other than who else would

5:27

it be? Of

5:32

course? It's Starbucks. Guys. You

5:34

know, let me just say

5:36

this. I want to give a local I want to give a

5:38

shout out, excuse me to my local Starbucks. I've

5:43

said it on here before, but I'm going to say it again.

5:45

I love the people that

5:47

work at my local Starbucks, and in

5:50

particular, I love the

5:52

black girls that work at my local Starbucks.

5:55

I love them, I love seeing them.

5:58

They bring sunshine to my day and I don't

6:00

even think they are trying to. I

6:02

think that they are just being their authentic selves

6:05

and that alone is bringing me sunshine

6:07

When I see people just being themselves

6:10

and being authentic. It makes me excited.

6:13

But they bring sunshine to my day almost every

6:15

time I go in there, and they don't even know how

6:17

much joy they add to my life. They don't, especially

6:20

currently since I'm going through it.

6:23

So I just want to say thanks

6:25

Starbucks in my neighborhood for always

6:27

being kind. But anyway, I had an ice crimber

6:29

let latte. I've never had a cold. Today

6:32

was the first day I usually get it hot.

6:34

It was sweet, very sweet, So now I

6:36

know next time I will ask them not

6:38

to put as many pumps of the syrup

6:41

in there. But it was

6:43

delish. It was my first

6:46

Christmas or holiday beverage,

6:48

so I'm excited about that because I did have

6:51

a what is it the

6:53

one I said I had a couple of weeks ago,

6:56

which is my favorite fall

6:58

and winter beverage, the

7:01

hot caramel apple spice.

7:03

But I feel like that's more of a fall

7:05

drink. This is like a holiday drink,

7:07

so I'm excited. I was excited to have it. If

7:09

you've never had one, get one. If you

7:12

don't like really sweet stuff, tell them to

7:14

cut back on the syrup. But I

7:16

really enjoy it and I especially love it when it's

7:18

hot. So again,

7:21

shout out to those young ladies at

7:23

my Starbrucks. Wow,

7:26

here we go at my local Starbucks.

7:28

We're making my day.

7:37

Okay, So, friends and kin four the

7:42

jam. I had another song

7:44

in mine, but I am gonna put

7:46

that on hold and I'll save

7:48

it for the next episode,

7:52

episode number seventy two, because

7:55

this weekend I took a

7:57

real deep dive into

8:00

a catalog of the young man Who's

8:04

jam? Who did the jam? Oh

8:06

he didn't do the jam of Vince Staples and

8:09

Vince Staples song Magic was

8:11

the jam from the last

8:13

episode, episode seventy and I

8:16

mentioned this song in that episode. It's

8:18

his song and it's called fun

8:21

And if I'm not mistaken, this

8:23

is the first song I had ever heard

8:26

by Vince Staples and it was in an episode

8:28

of Insecure. Don't

8:30

quote me, but I'm pretty sure it was this one. And

8:33

when I heard it, like, I looked it up because I was

8:35

like, oh my god, I love this. And so I

8:38

just decided after doing this deep dive

8:40

because I had to take a long drive today and

8:47

after doing this deep dive in this catalog, I

8:49

was like, yeah, no, definitely

8:52

gonna make the jam fun because the

8:54

song is just like I love I

8:57

love it, I just love it. And

8:59

I'm pretty sure that's E forty in

9:02

the song as well, and

9:04

it gets no more West Coast than E forty.

9:08

So anyway, I want you to check it

9:10

out, and

9:12

if you like hip hop and

9:16

you are

9:19

open, I

9:21

highly suggest that you just

9:23

go on Title or Pandora

9:26

or for me as Spotify,

9:28

Premium, Apple Music

9:30

where wherever you listen to your music or

9:33

YouTube, and just listen to his

9:35

catalog. This

9:38

young man is brilliant,

9:42

brilliant, and I'm telling you his

9:45

music is a breath of fresh air when

9:48

we are smothered

9:51

by rap about sex,

9:55

drugs, and not that his songs are not about

9:57

sex, drugs and rap

9:59

and whatever, but he's

10:02

really smart. He's

10:04

really smart. So not

10:07

to get too deep in it. But one of the reasons

10:09

that I've always loved the clips and I've loved

10:12

pusha t Is because he makes

10:14

me excited about listening to him

10:16

rap about cocaine, about selling

10:18

cocaine. I know you think that's weird, but

10:21

you know, I like hip hop and I grew up

10:23

as hip hop was being born and birthed

10:26

and growing up. I grew up with it

10:28

right, And so he

10:32

is one of the very few rappers that I can listen

10:34

to talk about selling drugs, particularly

10:36

selling cocaine, and it

10:39

does not make me say shut up. Don't

10:41

nobody want to hear that? He's smart?

10:43

His wordplay is

10:45

masterful. I like listening to him. He

10:48

uses words that have more syllables

10:50

than two, you know, And so

10:52

for me, with Vince Staples, he's

10:55

smart. He not only raps about

10:57

like women and

11:00

you know, all of the things that are in rap

11:02

songs. But he's just

11:04

brilliant. And I

11:07

really, really really suggest

11:10

that if you are a fan of hip hop, you are a fan

11:12

of rap music. Uh, and

11:14

you have an open mind. And

11:16

when I say open, it needs to be open. Because he's young.

11:20

Go listen to his music, like

11:22

seriously. Start with his album. I

11:24

want to say. It's called Big Fish Theory. That's

11:27

a good one. I listened to it today.

11:29

He has good he He has a song with gorillas.

11:32

Listen to the song with the Gorillas. I can't remember

11:34

what it's called. It might be called Ascension. Listen.

11:39

The young man is dope. Anyway,

11:41

listen to fun here here, let's listen to that, just

11:46

big things. Boom bust's

11:48

a short bust.

11:49

We ain't no woomb.

11:50

We just want to have fun. We don't want to

11:52

fuck him none. We don't

11:54

want to fuck um none fun.

11:56

We don't want to fuck.

11:57

Him nothing, and we don't give fuck. I'm just

12:00

want to have fun.

12:01

We don't want to fuck them. We

12:03

don't want to fuck them.

12:04

Okay with y'all think like y'all

12:07

liked it? I mean, like, how do you not? Though?

12:09

I mean it? Also in addition to

12:13

him being brilliant, and

12:16

in addition to that, let me tell you why you should

12:18

stop everything you're doing and listen to him, because

12:20

he sings about loving black women on

12:23

a regular basis, not sings raps.

12:26

He wraps about loving black women on a regular

12:29

basis. Sign me

12:31

up for the Christians you believe. I'm with it,

12:33

I'm with the shits, I'm with Vince Staples.

12:36

I'm gonna even go as far as saying

12:39

Vince Staples is my new favorite rapper.

12:41

And that doesn't mean he's my favorite rapper of all time.

12:44

There's no way, but he's

12:46

my new favorite rapper. I'm

12:50

with it like I love him, I love

12:52

him. I want to have him on this show because I want

12:54

to talk to him.

12:56

I kind of got a crush on him, but it's

12:58

kind of weird because I'm old enough to be his mom.

13:01

Biologically I'm about fourteen years older than him,

13:03

so that's a little creepy. But anyway,

13:06

I'm a crush on I got a crush on Hi because he's

13:08

a genius. So check him out. I hope

13:10

you like the song. It's a bop, as

13:12

the kids say, check out his catalog and

13:15

let's go ahead and get this Porty

13:17

started Jamy,

13:36

So, friends, and Ken, here we are with

13:39

part two of the conversation. If you were listening to

13:42

last week, it

13:45

was last week for y'all, but it's still the same day

13:47

for us. And I'm still tipsy. Okay,

13:50

my drink's almost gone though, m

13:52

h. If you were listening

13:54

to the last part of the or the first part of the conversation,

14:00

there's a I've been

14:02

I was trying to avoid this part of the conversation,

14:05

but you know we're gonna do it because I'm a big girl. I'm

14:08

a strong lady, and we

14:10

are here for this and the reason that I

14:13

wanted to talk with Gina

14:16

about this over a cocktail,

14:18

a signature cocktail that

14:21

I will call Mimi's Hot Toati I

14:24

love it, or Mimi's

14:26

Mami is Mimi is a hot Toati. I'll

14:30

take that

14:33

Memi's Toddy is hot

14:34

and I love that it

14:37

is. Because this is something that I am

14:40

currently uh navigating

14:42

or trying to figure out, and I

14:45

figured that you

14:49

could probably help me navigate

14:51

the space because you have

14:54

been in a similar space for me. I've

14:57

mentioned before that I lost my grandmother in January,

15:00

and here it goes it's starting already. Oooh,

15:04

I lost out in January. And

15:08

you mentioned in the first part of the conversation

15:10

that you lost your mom during

15:12

COVID. Did she pass away due to complications

15:15

of COVID?

15:16

No, No, she it was cancer.

15:19

They could never I don't know how exactly what it was.

15:21

Okay, Yeah, when did they figure

15:23

out that it was cancer?

15:26

Maybe two to three weeks before she passed.

15:28

Wow, So I think I think she knew something was going

15:30

on. Yeah, and she just hadn't shared. And

15:33

so my fiance at the time we would

15:35

go and check down them and visit. At this point, I'm living out

15:37

of state and we had plans when Dy,

15:39

she said oh, I'm really not feeling well. We don't

15:41

think you should come. But she said

15:43

it so late. I was like, mommory in my way, Yeah,

15:46

I am about twenty minutes out. We're coming at

15:48

this point. It's really okay, but we don't have to because I had a plan

15:50

to keep them out to dinner or something, and we don't

15:52

have to do that.

15:52

It's all right. I just want to see you. When she ever came, oh

15:55

no, we're really sick, I'm like, it's okay.

15:57

I get there and I see the house and

15:59

like five or six bags of trash just

16:01

piled up because she was two weak to take it out, sin

16:04

full of dishes, kitchen a mess, and

16:07

didn't tell.

16:08

Me why she didn't want you to come, because she's probably

16:11

she.

16:11

Didn't want me to see it because she knew I would

16:13

know something.

16:14

And then they also didn't have a habit of asking,

16:17

well, my mom didn't have an habit of asking

16:19

for things that she actually needed until it was too late,

16:21

and so I checked them, like.

16:22

Do you have food? And all that shed fresh to a

16:24

couple.

16:25

Of things of like fruit that are very clearly old,

16:27

like real food there because she was just too weak to figure

16:29

it out.

16:29

She was two weeks to go.

16:30

To the store, and she hadn't really gotten into the whole delivery

16:32

yet. And so I looked

16:34

at my fans, say, actually met my boyfriend

16:36

at the time. I said, I need a minute, go

16:38

get yourself some coffee. And I

16:41

just dug in, cleaned everything, got

16:43

stuff organized for them, took out their trash. It's nothing

16:45

right, boarded groceries and like, here

16:47

you go.

16:48

You're off set your parents,

16:51

Yeah, because your dad is also your dad was

16:53

also not in the best of health either, right.

16:55

No, and so he had had so many strokes maybe

16:58

ten years ago.

16:58

And so when my mother retired,

17:01

she essentially went right into full time care.

17:03

Of her herself.

17:04

And that's not what her idea of retirement

17:06

was, like she thought they'd be able to travel.

17:08

And enjoy their time to make it.

17:09

Yeah, And so I immediately

17:12

took care of everything. And I remember getting

17:14

snippy because I didn't know she was sick at the

17:16

time, Like not like that. I knew because my brother

17:18

had passed maybe a year and a half before

17:20

that, year to two years before that, okay, And

17:23

I knew she had been grieving him, because who

17:25

wants to before

17:27

they right, you don't. That's horrible.

17:30

And I kept thinking, Oh, if she just eats,

17:33

if.

17:33

We just get her treatd for depression, if we get these things,

17:35

she'll be fine. And that

17:37

happened.

17:38

I remember feeling snippy because she didn't stay

17:40

ahead of time, that she she just didn't tell me she needed

17:42

stuff.

17:42

She why didn't want to be a burden?

17:44

Was like, well, Mom, it's a burden now

17:46

because you waited versus we could have planned

17:48

this better.

17:49

Ahead of time and I could have taken care of you.

17:51

Yeah. So then I

17:53

get that week.

17:54

Yeah, And so like a week or so goes by, and we had done like a little

17:56

mini memorial for my brother, and like she was

17:59

into it. We just spent some time, and then I

18:01

get a call that she's fallen and can't get

18:03

up.

18:03

On her own.

18:04

Yeah, and so I think it was my father, because you couldn't

18:06

help her either. And so at this point, I

18:08

live out a state of AMU, a couple hours away. I have friends

18:11

nearby, So I have a friend who goes to at least sit with

18:13

her and try to help her until I get there. And

18:17

because of her age and because she had fallen,

18:20

her doctor's like oh, well, we need to get her CT scans.

18:22

I know they knew something else was going on, but Hippa

18:25

and if my mom doesn't okay it, they can't tell me.

18:27

And so I'm going to the doctor with

18:29

her and say something on her belly. I'm like, that's not right. And

18:32

so she goes into

18:34

the hospital and she she says to me, I

18:37

was gonna I was gonna tell you I think it's time.

18:38

To go anyway.

18:39

I'm like, well,

18:41

now.

18:43

You tell me right, and she said, yeah, we were thinking about packing

18:45

a bag because I just fail. I'm like, wait what.

18:47

And so we go and we take her in and

18:50

I did not know that that would be one of the last few

18:52

times that I would actually get to spend time with her person.

18:54

And so it's the hospital. It's

18:57

the early part of COVID. I couldn't

18:59

go all the way with her.

19:00

She had to get tested before they beeve and put her anywhere.

19:03

I also feel like she got the rushing act and being put out,

19:06

and so she was at a hospital for about a week

19:08

or so, and then.

19:09

They were like, oh, yeah, she's eating half her food, she's

19:11

doing this, she's doing that.

19:13

How was she smaller when she comes out though when she went in and

19:15

she's actually eating her food.

19:16

She wasn't.

19:17

They were saying that she wasn't eating her food, and

19:20

then they didn't tell me she couldn't walk. And so

19:22

when she came home, I go to get

19:24

her out the car. She can't stand up on her own,

19:27

and so I'm freaking out. A friend

19:29

has to come and help me. We put her in a dining

19:31

room chair and carry her. Two

19:33

women because my husband is now quarantine because

19:35

he was exposed, and were carrying her into

19:38

their home from like the parking lot,

19:41

and I had to go buy a wheelchair and put

19:43

it together. And there's all this crazy stuff

19:46

where I'm like, lord, let it not like, let it end

19:48

in that way. But so much going on at that time

19:50

that I wasn't prepared for, didn't expect, and

19:52

so.

19:53

I tried to work.

19:54

I was working remotely, I still worked full

19:57

time, and when she came

19:59

home it was her d my father who acquired my

20:01

care at this point, and so I'm working full

20:03

time and taking care of both of them. I

20:05

think I lost twenty five pounds in about two weeks, two

20:07

three weeks, oh God, because

20:09

I didn't have time to eat I didn't feel like eating,

20:11

but literally, I'm picking her up, I'm making

20:14

sure she eats, I'm spoonfeeding her, I'm taking care

20:16

of my dad.

20:16

I'm also trying to be in meetings. So

20:19

it was a lot.

20:20

And then one black nurse came

20:22

out, and I appreciate her for this because I had physical favorites

20:24

coming out and telling me, Oh, all you have to

20:26

do is this. Do not tell

20:28

someone who does not do this as their profession,

20:31

it does not take care of other people that all you have

20:33

to do is pick them up this way or all

20:35

you can just move the sheets.

20:37

Once they left, I couldn't figure it out.

20:38

Yeah, and I remember dropping my mom,

20:41

not all the way on the ground, but in a way that I just broke down and

20:43

started crying. And she's like, why are you crying. She's

20:45

like, you're doing the best you can. I'm okay. But

20:48

I wasn't ready for this, and I know. And

20:50

so that happened.

20:52

And I had one black nurse who said her blood

20:54

flush is a little low because.

20:55

They had prescribed medicine for her. They'd done all that stuff

20:57

for her, that's what they do, and they

21:00

didn't take an account like her weight had changed.

21:02

I remember giving her stuff and like her

21:05

eyes rolling back and I'm like freaking out, like this

21:07

is not good. I can't keep giving her this stuff they

21:09

say to give and so she her

21:11

essentially a pressure got to po was like, if

21:13

this happens, she needs to go back.

21:15

I don't know why they let her out. She needs to go back.

21:17

And I appreciated her, and she advocated for me, and

21:19

I got people on the phone and they took her back into the hospital.

21:23

I did not know she would not be coming out, and

21:25

so I remember her the first time we went to

21:27

the hospital, she gave me her bangles and

21:30

she said, here, hold these for me.

21:34

A girl, like.

21:38

You know what that

21:45

that is what they do. Well,

21:47

my grandmother it was here

21:51

would she say, take my rings? And

21:55

I was like, I want your ring

21:57

ring here? Just take them.

22:00

You don't have to such such. You just take them

22:02

and you keep them. Yeah what

22:05

I don't want these? What are you talking about here?

22:07

Just take my watch?

22:09

Yeah?

22:09

From the whole I don't want.

22:11

I don't trust people at the hospital.

22:12

But also they know no she

22:15

was saying.

22:16

My grandmother was like, when

22:18

you when the next time you go to the house. I got

22:20

such and such in this place, go

22:23

get it and you just take it to your house and you

22:25

keep it. And I'm like, what are you talking about, Grandma

22:27

and the thing? Yeah, black

22:30

women are something else.

22:31

Poor.

22:31

Yeah. I remember the weight when she put

22:34

it on my gave me on my wrist too.

22:35

Because I've worn bangals, you know, for a while,

22:38

but I only wore two and she gave me six more.

22:40

And it was something about like the weight of them in that

22:42

moment you all hold.

22:43

Them for you now, yeah, And she's like, no, no, no, those

22:45

viewers.

22:46

Yeah, and I just remember this feeling.

22:48

Yeah, it's like a good punch.

22:51

Yeah.

22:51

Yeah, it's a weight. And now

22:54

though like I don't feel the weight anymore at all. I don't

22:56

know.

22:56

It's the difference. Yeah,

22:58

it's a it's a welcome reminder. I

23:00

remember being in stores and she could be

23:03

on the complete other side. If I lost her, I could

23:05

hear like a faint and jingle and which bangles

23:07

for hers, like, oh there she is.

23:09

Your mom is from where Jamaica

23:11

or Grenada.

23:12

Her side of the family is from Jamaica. My dad's side is

23:14

Antiguan.

23:15

Antiguan? Why do I always say Grenada?

23:17

All are they near each other.

23:19

I can't remember.

23:20

I don't I don't mean that

23:22

Antiga. That's hard, that's hard. Okay.

23:26

So back to what I was saying, No, you finished,

23:29

so go ahead.

23:30

So she had to go back into the hospital. She

23:32

should not have been released. And then

23:34

it came to the point of she couldn't

23:36

even undergo a BIATSI because

23:39

she was so weak, and they were so.

23:40

Worried about her not coming out of it.

23:41

But they were like, we can't even do this to

23:44

her, and they hit us with them we've come. But

23:46

because also COVID, we couldn't

23:48

see her in the hospital, and so they

23:50

gave us a call saying, we.

23:52

Don't know how much longer she has.

23:53

You can come bet with her now, oh okay.

23:55

And I remember coming into the hospital and sitting with

23:57

her while she At one point she was still very

24:00

lucas she was awake. She wasn't eating,

24:02

but she was still like very and she would talk about things

24:04

and get me so like, oh yah, I'm gonna eat fried chicken.

24:06

My mama's vegetarian.

24:07

I'm gonna eat fried chicken. I'm gonna do this, and like

24:09

I was like, whatever it.

24:10

Is, as long as you eat any right, right

24:13

right.

24:14

She pulls out her phone and she starts to go through

24:17

all of her contacts and

24:20

she calls everybody in her phone

24:22

book to go through and say goodbye.

24:25

Wow, And she's like they're telling me

24:27

that there is anything else they could do. I don't know how much

24:29

longer I.

24:29

Have that's powerful in my life.

24:32

Yeah, oh yeah.

24:33

And like I remember

24:35

trying to find like one of her former best

24:38

essay former because they hadn't talked recently, but one of her

24:40

best friends, and I could not find like I found her on

24:42

Facebook, but she would not respond and like

24:44

older, so.

24:44

The people I don't even know where like the messages are. I'm like, I'm

24:47

trying to get her so like I want her to doctor mom before

24:49

she's gone.

24:50

And she's going through and like talking to everybody.

24:52

I'm like, oh what about this person? Oh I want and even

24:54

my friends, like my girlfriend, She's like I want

24:56

to talk to this person and that person and thank them, like they're

24:58

so sweet.

24:59

They always think about me. They called me.

25:01

And I remember

25:03

sitting at her at one point and she laying

25:06

there with her eyes closed and.

25:08

Like I looked like like I startled. I

25:10

looked at her she's like, I'm still here.

25:12

Oh, I'm still.

25:13

Here, Like

25:16

I'm just checking.

25:17

I'm just making sure. M

25:19

hm, no, I'm saying she was. You were

25:21

saying like, I'm just making sure.

25:23

I'm just like right, I'm just looking.

25:26

And so they she had

25:28

the top to my dad and they had to make the tough decision around the

25:30

hospice.

25:31

Because I was trying to figure out.

25:32

I was giving them the opportunity like I can

25:35

make room for you my home, you can come back to

25:37

Delaware.

25:37

And one was like, oh, I'd love that.

25:40

But they hit us a spot where she's like, we can't

25:42

do this to you, and so she's like, I'm

25:44

going to do hospite. I

25:46

said, okay, if I

25:48

support you. Because I also got to the point where I

25:51

would tell her that if

25:54

you want to fight, I was ready to shave

25:56

my head with her, like

25:59

if you have chemo, like you go, okay,

26:01

let's shave our heads together. It was like, but also I

26:03

looked at it when I said, I know this is a

26:05

lot for you. If you

26:07

don't want to fight, that's okay. I

26:11

support whatever it is you want. If you want to fight, I'm

26:13

with you. Tendo's down going through everything, like

26:15

I got you, but also I don't want

26:17

to be selfish. If you don't want to fight, that's

26:20

okay. And she would tell

26:22

me because she knew that's what I wanted to hear. Oh no, no, I

26:24

want to fight.

26:24

I'm like, it's okay.

26:28

So I remember dropping

26:30

her off at hospice and they

26:33

weren't supposed to let me in, but they let me in, and so I got

26:35

to spend time with her. But

26:37

I also had like my father and like they're the only one person

26:39

at the time. They had it in the car. So I plan out with her for as

26:41

long as I could, and then I had to go,

26:44

and I

26:46

would check in on her and like call her on the

26:48

phone, like FaceTime her. And then

26:50

at one point I

26:52

don't remember, they're supposed to tell you when they think they're

26:54

close to passings that you can come because they weren't

26:56

letting people back in because of COVID. Like

26:59

before COVID, you just as much time as you wanted Africa.

27:01

Once you dropped off and left, you couldn't come back until with their

27:03

time. And they're like, in the middle of

27:05

night they called me. Well, I think they

27:07

just called her and like saying happy birthday. It was like a few hours before

27:10

her birthday. But I want to take a chance. I didn't like,

27:12

oh yeah, I think we think that she's going to pass in like

27:15

the next day or so, okay,

27:17

two hours, three hours maybe max. Later,

27:19

I get a call say I'm sorry, she's already passed.

27:22

And so like the last time I saw

27:24

her was on FaceTime and she couldn't

27:26

communicate.

27:27

Yeah, so.

27:29

That's a lot. Sorry, I've everything, but.

27:31

Like, no, no, no, it's

27:35

a lot. It's a lot. Not

27:37

to cut you off, but it's a lot. But in

27:40

the spirit of this

27:43

show, this show is about

27:45

having conversations that people don't like to

27:47

have, or that people that make you uncomfortable,

27:50

or that we don't have in our communities. People

27:52

don't really talk about like

27:55

what it's like.

27:57

They don't ma don't act like like I wasn't prepared

27:59

for this. I'm sure my parents

28:01

went through it with their parents.

28:03

Like all of my grandparents were gone

28:05

by the time I.

28:05

Was in my early twenties, right, and so I and

28:07

I remember like my grandfather being

28:10

taken care of and like you know, essentially

28:12

like being on dialysis, be able to take him and

28:14

like we're looking abot to lift up and moving places in

28:16

my grandmother and I remember these things, but

28:19

no one ever really talked about what it

28:21

feels like.

28:22

How to prepare.

28:23

No, even things as far as affairs,

28:25

to have an order.

28:27

Yeah, like, because that's the thing, that

28:30

whole affairs thing.

28:31

And let me listen, you can't make decisions

28:33

for people unless they have like, they won't even tell

28:35

you stuff, especially if your parents are fine and healthy.

28:37

If they don't, they will not they won't.

28:40

You have to have a power fraternity in.

28:42

Some of the stuff. My grandmother was just like, no,

28:45

she said. I remember her saying, if I don't

28:47

tell them yes, then y'all can't make me do it.

28:50

And I would be like, yes, I can, I will make

28:52

you, but knowing that, like I can't

28:54

make her do jack because

28:56

the truth of the matter is there's a surgery

28:59

that they asked her in

29:02

February of what's

29:04

this twenty three February of twenty twenty two.

29:06

I remember leaving work and going

29:08

to meet her and my aunt at the doctor's office,

29:11

and the doctor basically said

29:13

to her, if you

29:15

get the surgery, like it will

29:17

help to clear up the

29:19

issues. Funny, the same issue

29:22

that my grandmother had I have now

29:24

it's called diverticulatus. I always

29:26

tell people think that being an impath is

29:28

cool because it's trendy to say, oh, I'm

29:30

empathic. The shit ain't fucking cool when

29:32

you get in your grandmother's It ain't

29:34

cool when you get in your grandmother's fucking physical

29:37

ailments. The same.

29:39

She had issues with her lower spine. Now

29:42

I have an issue with my lower spine. She

29:44

had diverticulitis. Guess who has diverticulosis

29:47

and diverticulitis. The shit ain't cool. She

29:49

had an issue with her knee arthritis. My

29:51

knee is messed up. It ain't cool,

29:54

people, You know it's not. And

29:56

I hate when I oh, because I'm an

29:58

impath. Shut y'all as up before

30:01

I smacked the ship out of you.

30:03

No, you're not.

30:04

You forgot somebody's health conditions,

30:07

right because of the empathy that

30:09

you have for them. No, be

30:12

quiet. And so I remember

30:14

us going to the doctor and my

30:16

aunt, God bless her soul. She You know, I'm

30:20

the grandkid, right, the kids,

30:22

and I've watched this in my family. The kids of

30:25

the the people

30:28

or the seniors are like, whatever you want,

30:30

Mom, whatever you want, dad, whatever

30:32

you say the grandkids or

30:35

this one anyway, is like, no, I

30:37

ain't trying to hear what they saying. I don't understand why

30:39

they get so much. Say so we're supposed to be looking

30:42

out for them, but in hindsight,

30:44

like I get the kid's standpoint,

30:46

like because they have to make the choice,

30:48

you can't make them do

30:50

anything.

30:55

Like I would love to have told to fight, but

30:57

I'm not the one physically feeling what she knows.

31:00

She were to go through Kimo, and she's lived a long life and she's

31:02

like, look, I'm tired. Yep, I don't want to be here

31:04

anymore, Yep, I want the last few days.

31:06

Okay.

31:06

All I can do is respect that absolutely.

31:09

And so the doctor told my grandmother, if you have this

31:11

surgery, like

31:13

it'll clear all this stuff up. My grandmother

31:16

was eighty three, eighty

31:18

four, eighty five, twenty

31:22

two. She was eighty five. She

31:25

was like, y'ell, ain't cutting on me. And

31:27

guess what who am I to tell

31:29

her that she has to be cut? Yeah,

31:33

And so we were at the doctor and

31:35

I'm breaking it down everything he's saying. I'm

31:37

saying it to her in MEMI

31:40

clarity so that everybody in the room understands

31:42

what the doctor is saying. The doctor is saying, have

31:45

this surgery, your

31:47

situation will improve. It's good.

31:50

Don't have this surgery, and your quality

31:52

of life is going to be what it has been,

31:54

which is basically fucked

31:57

up because you have these flare ups,

32:00

you're in pain, you don't know what

32:02

to eat or what brings it on. But you

32:04

know, and my grandmother was like most

32:06

Black women that are boomers

32:09

or what are they called the lost generation, the

32:11

silent the silent generation is I think

32:14

what they're called the pre boomers, the

32:16

ones before the boomers. They're

32:18

so proud, like they are not going

32:21

to say so. She would wait

32:23

until the last until she was like in

32:25

serious pain to tell us when

32:28

this is not the kind of condition

32:30

where you can wait till the last minute, because I haven't.

32:32

So when I know I'm having a flare up, like

32:34

I know what it feels like when it's coming, I have

32:37

to immediately go into treatment mode. Last

32:39

week, it was happening in the last week, so

32:41

I had to go in to eat in soft foods, drink

32:43

a lot of liquids. You can't eat

32:45

red meat like you have to. You can't eat cruciferous

32:48

vegetables because you're intestines,

32:51

you know, like it's working. Yeah, they're inflamed,

32:53

there's possible infection. You don't want them working over

32:55

time. So she

32:58

said, no, I don't want you cutting on me. She

33:00

said, I want to get a second opinion. I said

33:03

when I left there, because I left work and

33:05

then I went back to work. To be clear, this

33:07

man is saying, have

33:10

the surgery, it gets better. Don't

33:13

have the surgery. It does

33:15

not get better, and it possibly gets worse. She

33:18

said, no, I want to have a second opinion. So,

33:21

you know, my aunt, that's her mama,

33:23

you know, like I get it. She ain't gonna be pushing my and my

33:25

grandmother is a sass. She was sassy and

33:27

she could be a little mean sometimes. Yeah

33:30

grandma, of course, Oh

33:32

my god, I asked so much like her sometimes, but she

33:35

was and she could be kind

33:38

of mean sometimes. Like, I'm

33:40

not gonna keep saying this to you, I said, like you

33:42

know that.

33:45

At that point, he patients a slim.

33:47

Yeah, she's in pain. She's

33:51

mad about the fact that she can't do Because she was extremely

33:53

independent. She hated asking people to

33:55

do things for her, as most of the women my

33:58

family is or are, And

34:00

so she was like I said what I said,

34:02

and I was like, all right, then fine, and

34:06

I mean the doctor was right. And so when it was time

34:08

for her to have the surgery, and she was like, yes

34:10

because she didn't have any other choice. She

34:12

couldn't have it because her body was not strong enough.

34:15

So we're talking six

34:18

months later, six seven months later.

34:20

Wow.

34:21

Yeah, So like

34:25

people don't want to talk about like how

34:28

like it's hard like watching

34:30

it, and it was for my

34:32

grandmother was very stretched out. It

34:35

was a long process.

34:38

For my grandfather, it was not It was a matter of three

34:40

months because he was up going to give steakfish,

34:43

driving people around, going to play cards at

34:45

senior centers and then boom,

34:47

like he went into the hospital

34:50

three months later. Gone. So people don't want

34:52

to talk about, you

34:54

know, like what you feel. Black people

34:57

don't really like talking about their feelings anyway.

35:00

We don't well because especially as a woman, you're supposed

35:02

to be strong.

35:03

Yeah, I'm tired of that though.

35:05

I am tired.

35:07

I'm so tired of being strong.

35:09

Don't tell me that's the That's

35:11

one of the worst things to say to me, especially like after my

35:13

mom passed, like somebody people saying.

35:14

Oh my god, but you're so strong. No, I don't

35:16

want to.

35:17

Be I want to break. I want to cry

35:19

right now that whatever happens happens. I don't want to take

35:21

care of anybody else. I don't want to be responsible.

35:24

I am in pain, struggling. It

35:26

is not okay.

35:28

And I think that there needs to be space for

35:31

us to say that, and we need

35:33

to make space for people

35:35

to say that. And I would always talk

35:38

to my aunt about that, like it's okay,

35:41

it's okay if you don't want to do it today.

35:44

That doesn't make you a bad daughter. That

35:46

doesn't make you a bad caregiver. That makes you a human

35:48

being who is stressed the fuck

35:50

out.

35:51

Yeah. I remember feeling guilty.

35:53

Of course, when I was relieved,

35:56

Not that I was relieved that she had to go back to the hospital,

35:58

but I was relieved that somebody else whose

36:00

job it was to be aware and awake twenty

36:03

four to seven would have her care yep,

36:05

because it was so hard and I

36:07

felt like if I messed anything up, I could kill

36:09

her, I could hurt her. And that is a lot of weight to carry.

36:12

Yeah, for someone who is not ready for it. And

36:16

yeah, I was exhausted. I was at the

36:18

ad burnout and I needed someone who knew

36:20

what they were doing to be able to take care of her.

36:22

And you know, people don't want to. It's interesting

36:25

you brought that up our

36:28

community or you know, I can't speak for all communities

36:30

because I don't know what it's like to be anything

36:33

except for black, right, But in our community,

36:35

like, black people will

36:37

guilt the fuck out of you, Okay,

36:40

Black people will make you feel guilty

36:43

about things that make you

36:45

feel shameful about things that

36:47

are.

36:47

Will not step up to help you, right,

36:50

don't tell me all these things, but

36:52

you're not offering that's whole. Or

36:54

don't tell me like don't send your father here

36:56

or don't do this to your mother, but you're not offering

36:58

right.

36:59

Right. But

37:13

we will. We will guilt people

37:15

or say people are bad such

37:17

and such for certain things.

37:19

But the truth of the matter is that you never know

37:22

what it is to be that person, you

37:25

know what I mean? Some people don't

37:27

sign up for that whole. I'm a strong

37:30

I'm strong shit because

37:32

I don't want to do it no more. I'm tired

37:34

of it. I want to be what the girl

37:36

we say on the internet. I love saying the word rearlies.

37:39

By the way, soft life. I want a soft

37:41

life. I don't want to be a part of this soft

37:43

life movement, but I want not

37:45

a soft life. I want a life of ease. My

37:48

life has been hard enough for the first forty

37:51

years of it. Actually, let's just say forty

37:53

three. I would like for it to be full

37:56

of ease now the

37:58

next forty three to fifty. Let

38:00

this motherfucker just slide. I just wanted

38:02

to slide.

38:04

Yeah, lessons

38:06

right that I pulled away and like what

38:08

I internalized watching my mom and

38:11

just how much she sacrificed, suffered

38:13

and did everything else in other people's names. I'm like, oh,

38:16

I'm not doing that, or ooh, I'm starting

38:18

feeling that I need to take a break for ooh.

38:20

Let me take advantage of these opportunities that I have now

38:22

to enjoy things, because what I don't want to do is

38:24

wait for some magical day in the future when everything

38:27

works.

38:27

Out and I am healthy and retired and

38:29

all of this, because it might not come.

38:33

My brother passed. He was younger

38:35

than I was.

38:36

My past now, yeah, and

38:38

he passed suddenly. He was forty three, and then

38:40

my mom was seventy one.

38:43

Yeah, that's not realistically, that's not

38:45

all.

38:46

It's not it's not And I don't.

38:47

I don't want to work really really hard and do

38:50

all these things and be stressed out and not enjoy

38:52

it, or work really really long and hard

38:54

and gets them from where I'm no longer healthy though.

38:56

Yep, Nope, you don't. And

38:59

then I think that we

39:04

do a lot of preparing for

39:06

and not that you shouldn't make good choices

39:08

and prepare and be prepared

39:11

down the law, you know, down the road. And I think

39:13

this is a cultural thing for us.

39:16

You know, Oh, because I want to make sure that when

39:18

I'm retired, and I want to make sure that I have this

39:20

much money, and I want to leave this wealth

39:22

for this one and I want to leave you better

39:25

enjoy your fucking life.

39:26

There's a balance. But that's the thing I don't. I

39:28

don't think. I don't see us allowing

39:30

ourselves to enjoy things as much.

39:32

That's one of things I do differently where I'm like, I'm

39:34

not saving all this for some magical day in the future.

39:36

I'm going to take care of myself now.

39:38

Right now, now, now,

39:41

I am devoting you've been traveling. Since

39:43

you've been traveling, every time I

39:45

try to have a friend date with you, you be in South

39:48

Africa or Chicago or

39:51

Morocco. Well, I said, okay,

39:53

motherfucker, when you going to be in New

39:55

Jersey and drive down to Baltimore?

39:59

So are you moving to South Africa?

40:03

A boom like, what are

40:05

you doing? Bona, sister?

40:07

What you're doing? And you know I knew how to

40:09

say that. I don't even know what is that?

40:11

Zulu?

40:13

We don't know? Okay, sorry, never mind who

40:18

knows? But either way, I

40:21

am committed to

40:23

enjoying my life like

40:25

it is a commitment of mine. I

40:28

don't have children, I am not married

40:30

in this moment. I'm actually single in this moment.

40:33

I'm going to enjoy that.

40:35

Enjoy it,

40:36

yes.

40:38

Please girl, but

40:43

listen, you know that's how I live my life. Shout

40:45

out to my therapist, and

40:49

I'm so glad. Like a lot

40:51

of people, friends and ken, you didn't know this, but I

40:53

have been on a bit

40:56

of a therapy sabbatical, not

40:58

by choice, but because

41:00

my therapist has some things going on that I'll

41:03

talk about later, or she'll talk about later when she

41:05

gets ready. And so I'm

41:07

finally after like a

41:10

year and after about thirteen

41:12

months of not having any therapy,

41:15

like not having any structured therapy, like

41:18

we are about to resume our therapy sessions.

41:21

I was out here just I would. I would tell

41:23

people, please, don't fuck with me because I'm out here

41:25

Wallin. I'm out here living like a savage.

41:27

You want to be careful because I'm not under anybody.

41:30

I don't have any I'm out of here. I'm out here's

41:32

wilin. And I told her that when I saw

41:34

her. I saw her last week and we just went

41:36

to dinner. I saw her last week and she was like, do not

41:39

say that you were not out here like a savage

41:41

you And I'm like, lady, I was out here

41:44

taking whatever you gave me for the past three

41:46

years and saying plus one plus

41:48

one is seventy five a French seventy

41:50

five. At that, I'm gonna make this work. Listen,

41:54

I'm still here and I'm here to tell the story. But

41:56

I back to what we were saying about a

41:58

soft life. You know, I believe in doing

42:00

what you want to do and not doing what you don't want to do. Like

42:03

that lady has ingrained

42:05

that into my brain, and one when it clicked,

42:08

it was like, what other way is there

42:10

to live? Why would

42:12

I do something that I don't want to do

42:14

that I fundamentally don't want to do.

42:17

And I think we are in a different space

42:19

than our mothers and our grandmother's were absolute

42:21

thing that I remember and I forget

42:24

where I saw posting nineteen seventy three

42:26

women still couldn't have their own apartments without

42:28

their husband or their father's name on it or

42:30

like you know, and I think about how

42:33

that impacted their decisions, and I'm like, I'm

42:36

out of here, like I'm just going to run free and

42:38

wild and do what I want to do and nobody owns me and you can't

42:40

tell me what to do. But there were multitude

42:43

of women that went through different things, so.

42:45

I could be able to do that.

42:46

Absolutely.

42:46

I can have whatever property that I think twice

42:48

about it's like, and go travel countries

42:50

by myself and meet people there figure it out

42:53

later and not think about it.

42:54

Absolutely, but listen, I

42:57

can do what I want to do because somebody

42:59

couldn't.

43:00

Yep.

43:00

Yeah, but we.

43:01

Need to take advantage of that. That's the thing like my

43:04

mother always told me that.

43:05

I remember her saying like, oh, you can do whatever you want to do whatever

43:08

you want and when you're young.

43:09

But I actually believed it, and she looks at me,

43:11

or did look at me.

43:12

Now, I was like, Wow, I'm

43:14

impressed by the way you take these chances, these

43:16

things that you do.

43:17

That I could never do.

43:18

That's aweso.

43:19

Right, but you told me I could do it.

43:20

Yeah, you you set this up sis.

43:23

Thanks. But maybe she set it up intentionally.

43:26

Oh yeah, she never told me when she was scarious of right or

43:28

what she couldn't do. She was acting like, oh no, no, it's fine,

43:30

you got that, you could do it.

43:31

I believe in you.

43:32

Meanwhile, she was like, I'll do this thing for myself

43:34

maybe later on in life if I ever come to it.

43:37

And that's maybe, but maybe not.

43:40

Yep.

43:41

Yeah, So I think that down

43:44

the line, I'm going to have a conversation

43:47

on here, like a professional conversation

43:49

about grief, like with a therapist.

43:53

But I definitely wanted to talk to somebody

43:55

who understood it. Do you have any tips

43:57

for me? Because one thing I will

44:00

say is that in this season, and

44:02

I've said this on the show before, this is a

44:04

time of year when I

44:09

get I have a lot

44:11

of emotions this time of

44:13

year, and

44:16

it starts in September and

44:18

sometimes it's not over until mid January.

44:21

Well, now my grandmother has

44:23

passed away, and she passed away in January two days

44:26

before, no,

44:28

two days after my grandfather

44:31

passed away. Two years

44:34

no, three years

44:37

and two days after my grandfather passed

44:39

away, And so you know, it

44:41

might be a little rough until around that time,

44:43

right. But

44:47

what I've been piecing together over

44:49

the past two weeks is that, or yeah,

44:51

over the past two weeks, is that during

44:53

this time when I get up

44:56

like this, I'm used to going to

44:58

her subconscious and

45:00

just sitting like we would just sit and watch

45:03

westerns or well, she'd be

45:05

washing them and I just I'd be watching them too. I would

45:07

I didn't detain any of the information, but

45:09

I'd be like, Grandma, that'sked us, Huh,

45:11

who is that? What is this about? Or we

45:13

would watch Law and Order

45:16

SVU and

45:18

we wouldn't even have to talk. Or I would

45:20

go and she would boss me around

45:22

and tell me to fold her clothes or do something.

45:25

But I would just need to be around her because my grandmother

45:28

was the closest,

45:34

that was the closest

45:38

thing to having

45:41

a mother that I had,

45:43

right, And so now like

45:46

I'm literally out here just now,

45:49

I'm literally out here just winging it, Like what

45:51

the fuck am I supposed to do now?

45:53

Because I'm used

45:55

to just going and being around being around her, and being

45:57

around her was enough, just

46:00

go and we you know, we didn't have no heavy

46:02

conversations sometimes, like around

46:05

this time, it wasn't nothing heavy

46:08

like I would we would just be together, or I

46:10

would go, you know, if

46:12

somebody's getting all my nerves at work,

46:15

or if a kid did something at school,

46:18

I would go and be like, guess what happened? Like

46:20

I don't have that. Do I have people in my life that

46:22

I can talk to? Absolutely? None

46:25

of those people could ever

46:29

like none of them could ever, right,

46:33

And I know, you get that girl.

46:36

What my mother's voice alone, like

46:39

if I was having a rough dage, just hearing the sound

46:41

of her voice, it was so smooth

46:43

and soothing. I don't and something

46:46

like the slightly deeper. It's just something about I'm

46:48

like I just needed to hear your voice. Yeah,

46:50

I would wake up and like then my mom

46:52

just called my name and I would call like hey you

46:55

okays, just like yeah, but I was just thinking

46:57

about you, Like we had that kind of connection where I

47:00

physically hear her calling.

47:01

Me and she was just thinking.

47:02

About that's beautiful and

47:04

it's so but it makes it so hard.

47:06

Yeah, so hard it is and so.

47:10

Sorry, go ahead, and you were still talking no.

47:12

No, no, no, that You're fine. No it

47:14

is. And I'm just I think over the past

47:16

two weeks, I'm just because

47:18

this is the first time that I've ever experienced

47:20

this. During this time, I'm

47:22

like because I've been like really sad

47:24

some days, and I'm like, what the fuck

47:27

is wrong with you? You know how you have those pep talks

47:29

with yourself, like.

47:31

End that's the real Like what is it going to

47:33

end? Like when do I stop feeling like this?

47:36

I'm on, I'm like, bitch, kitchen shit

47:38

together, like wrap it up, like, Okay, you sad

47:40

today, you

47:42

ain't no sad tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes,

47:45

I'm not sad. But then two days later, oh

47:47

man, I'm sad again. Wrap this up.

47:49

But I mean, I have to extend some grace to myself

47:51

because the truth of the matter is that I have never been here

47:54

before.

47:56

I don't know to feel whatever it is you need to

47:58

feel like you don't know. No,

48:00

you haven't navigated this before, you don't know, no

48:02

feelings.

48:03

And gonna go ahead. I'm sorry,

48:05

I'm.

48:05

Saying like they're still gonna like it's still new no

48:08

matter what, Like you don't ever want to be in a specialtic.

48:09

Oh yeah, I know how to deal with this person passing away.

48:11

That is a horrible place to feel like you're going to be.

48:14

And it's bullshit versus different,

48:16

right, Like each person means something different to.

48:18

You, absolutely, And I was really close

48:20

to both of my grandparents and so I've

48:23

always also been sitting with when my grandfather

48:25

passed away. It wasn't

48:27

it didn't it wasn't like this. But

48:31

my grandfather passed away in January of

48:33

twenty twenty, and I started

48:35

therapy in January

48:38

of twenty twenty, like I started the process.

48:41

I started the process when he got really

48:44

sick, and

48:46

so my therapy session started like immediately

48:50

after he passed away. But it wasn't set up

48:52

that way because we didn't know he was going to pass away, right,

48:55

So I had like

48:57

help, like I had help during

49:00

that whole grieving process. I haven't

49:02

really had a lot of professional

49:05

mental health assistance during

49:07

this entire period, so I literally

49:09

have been out here like just singing it. So

49:12

I'm so grateful that when I talked to her,

49:14

she said that

49:16

we could uh start sessions

49:19

again because I, like, I need it. And I'm

49:21

not above saying, you know that

49:23

I need help because I need help because

49:26

I because I haven't ever been this in this space.

49:29

Yeah.

49:29

And my grand my grandfather, I was. I was

49:32

very close with my grandparents. They were like

49:35

they was my dogs and so, but

49:38

me and my grandmother were we were different, like

49:41

that was my rida right relationship.

49:44

Yeah, and we were like home girls like

49:46

that was my friend. Like she

49:48

would call me like girl, did you know

49:51

girls?

49:52

Yes?

49:53

Yeah, like it was. It was so funny. I

49:55

was telling somebody, I remember when I'm

49:58

not even gonna put these people business. About

50:00

these people she used to go to church with, and

50:03

they were related to my college

50:05

boyfriend, Listen,

50:08

and somebody in his family told him that he shouldn't

50:10

date me because or a girl.

50:12

Yeah, don't get me started on that. I'm

50:16

not even gonna put anybody's I'm

50:18

gonna just think this. Let me just stop. Let

50:20

me just stop. I'm

50:22

gonna be quiet because that that could get murky because

50:24

you know, I don't know who's out here listening. I

50:26

don't know who is a friend or ken Ken

50:29

of this show. Yeah, but she

50:31

she would always say they got a lot

50:33

of nerves, saying some about my damn granddaughter

50:35

and such a such a Yeah, like

50:38

we were, we was tight. So this

50:40

is this is a different space for me to

50:42

navigate. And I'm

50:45

just glad that I'm gonna get go back

50:47

to getting some weekly assistance because

50:49

this needs some help.

50:51

I'm glad for you too.

51:05

When I moved out of state, my therapist

51:07

couldn't service me anymore because she wasn't in the state.

51:10

And she's like, well, you know now that COVID

51:12

is lifting, the rules are different. But when you travel

51:14

and so you know, I mean another country, like, hey, you have a session,

51:16

yeah.

51:18

Because you're in another country, so there's no jurisdiction

51:21

internationally, but domestically

51:24

there is.

51:24

Yeah, we're driving to the side of the road

51:26

and Maryland, but like I cross the state lines, can you have our session?

51:28

Now?

51:29

That's smart. I mean that's smart.

51:30

I knew I needed that.

51:31

Yeah, right, that's smart.

51:32

And I didn't want to set her up like I'm not going to put you

51:34

in license that risk. Nope, I got you because

51:36

black therapist as a black woman as well.

51:38

Yeah, well you know not to like

51:41

go left, and no shade

51:43

to therapists that are not black,

51:46

and no shade to black people who

51:48

have non black therapists, because everybody

51:51

has to do for them. There

51:53

is no way that I could have My first therapist

51:55

was a little thin white woman. She was probably

51:57

in her thirties. I was twenty five.

52:00

I didn't know what was going on, but I just knew

52:02

that I needed help immediately.

52:04

So whoever I talked to, I could have talked to a

52:07

blind man from a

52:09

fouquette and it would have been fine, right,

52:13

But for me as a as a

52:16

in my big age dealing

52:19

with the things that I'm dealing with now, it has

52:21

to be a black woman.

52:22

I'm like that with most of my practitioners, right Like I

52:25

feel I've been a collegist.

52:28

Everyone who wasn't and I've had different experiences.

52:30

I'm like, no, I need someone right on to

52:32

explain what it means to go through

52:34

this, and I can say this happened, and you can

52:36

both get a deep breath and even feel it.

52:38

Like I had a black acupuncturist

52:40

and she looked.

52:41

At me one time and she cause she touched my stomach and she was like,

52:44

I know you're a black woman. I know it could be

52:46

hard because we don't want to be seen this way, but do you have any

52:48

way.

52:48

To release this anger? I was like, what,

52:51

ma'am, And

52:54

you can't get that.

52:55

I have a friend

52:57

or a homegirl who is a black acupuncturist.

53:00

My acupuncturist actually is Lebanese

53:02

and Muslim.

53:04

She is, and she's amazing. Yeah,

53:07

she does energy work and it's

53:10

very interesting.

53:10

You know.

53:11

I don't get like I never thought

53:13

about how

53:16

people would identify. But she does

53:18

not identify as white, and globally,

53:20

I think that she would be considered white,

53:23

but she identifies as Middle Eastern. Yeah,

53:27

yeah, but she does

53:30

not identify as

53:33

a white person at all

53:35

at all. She does not, she

53:37

doesn't. But I just think that I

53:41

think for me, I'm actually in the market for a new doctor

53:43

because my doctor left

53:46

her practice but to go do research.

53:48

A lot of doctors are doing that now. I

53:51

don't know if they get a stipends or something

53:53

for research that

53:56

think about the time is different too, right, Yeah,

53:59

well, I'm looking for a black female PCP.

54:01

If you know anybody, If you have any

54:03

recommendations, I am too,

54:06

okay.

54:07

But also we're in different states, so I have a recommendation

54:09

for you.

54:09

Okay, that would be great. But

54:12

I'm glad we talked about. So give me some tips.

54:14

What did you do?

54:16

I remember what was hard and

54:18

so hard was I did not put her picture up right

54:21

away, okay, because I could, I wasn't

54:23

ready to look at and see her. But I did

54:25

listen to her voice. I have like voicemails

54:27

that I will not delete and that I've emailed

54:30

myself so that when I do want to hear her voice and I'm okay

54:32

and I can handle it, I can listen to her voice.

54:35

At some point, when I got more comfortable after

54:37

therapy, I started finding

54:39

a way to do things that I

54:41

liked that we did together, that

54:44

she talked about and wanted to do for herself but couldn't,

54:46

or that she did for me growing up. And so that looked very

54:49

different depending on what it was. But I remember I

54:52

ordered some of my favorite bedtime stories that she used

54:54

to read to me as a little girl. And I remember sitting down

54:56

reading those with like furbon drunken

54:59

bedtime stories. I'm like, I'm remembering her reading

55:01

these to me and like doing all the voices and the sound effects,

55:04

and that's how I connect. I

55:06

remember, like food is huge for

55:08

me because thick, but

55:12

the thing left to be honest.

55:13

But the things that she used to make.

55:14

I remember my neighbor made something

55:17

the way that she would have made it. And I remember

55:19

as a kid I didn't like it, but when my

55:21

neighbor made it and gave it to me, long after my mom

55:23

had passed.

55:24

I ate it and I started crying.

55:25

Yeah, but I was like, this is so good

55:28

and because that's the way she would have made it.

55:30

And like my chacetbooks are different now, I had a different appreciation.

55:33

So I find myself leaning into the things

55:35

that she would.

55:35

Have enjoyed and liked. And

55:38

one I was.

55:38

Therapist, right, she

55:41

did a lot. She's certified in nature, and

55:43

so one of our sessions we took on a walk

55:46

and she just asked me, like, you know, to talk about

55:48

my mom and like what I would experience, Like I found myself sitting on

55:50

a spite and like she would have loved this and like seeing

55:53

certain butterflies go by, and like it almost like her spirit

55:55

was around me. And so I'm in a space

55:57

now Riley wore.

55:59

Into her and that she would

56:01

have done but either did we couldn't,

56:03

or that we did do together.

56:04

And so sometimes it is

56:07

I'm going to get this facial because I realized

56:09

I'm the first person to take my mom to get her nails professionally

56:11

done. Yeah, I didn't know until we went. She was

56:13

like, I've never had this done before.

56:15

She didn't go this.

56:16

Yeah, well, you know, old, old black

56:18

people don't like my grandmother's never had

56:22

Like, no, they don't. They don't trust I mean, and I

56:24

get it, like they don't trust people touching

56:26

them. I used to be like, Grandma, let

56:28

me take you to get a pedicare. She said, them people ain't touching

56:30

me. Your feet are

56:32

literally literally

56:35

like sandpaper. Let's go.

56:38

No, I don't want them people touching me. I would paint

56:40

her toenails. That's

56:42

fine. I think it's interesting that

56:45

she said that self

56:48

care is something that my

56:52

grandmother used to do. All she did was take baths.

56:54

She never took showers. She took a bath every

56:57

single night.

56:58

Every now relaxing.

57:00

That is, every night she took a bath. That's

57:02

all she would do. She

57:06

had all of these little things.

57:08

But I'm glad that is a great tip to focus

57:11

on things that she would have enjoyed or that

57:13

she did or she liked to do. I'm gonna create

57:15

a drink from my grandma and it's gonna be called the Shirley

57:18

and the base is going to show when.

57:20

Growing for my mom, the Queen's I

57:22

remember queens.

57:25

She was. She drank Scotch, she

57:27

drank Cuddy Storm. Oh she

57:29

was. She was a something

57:31

else. And I wanted to be

57:33

called Shirley's hot pants because

57:35

she used to wear hotpants. She used to wear those

57:38

little baby shorts. And

57:40

another thing, my grandmother had a Jerry curl

57:43

in the in the eighties. Well

57:45

I did too. And when I tell people that, they laugh, and

57:47

I'm like, but hold

57:49

on, Like, I ain't have a Jerry Carolyn ninety

57:51

five. I had a Jerry Carol eighty four

57:54

to eighty six. By eighty

57:56

six, it wasn't a Jerry curl. By eighty six, it was

57:58

just a soft afro that I used to put

58:00

in a ponytail because at that point

58:02

my hair was too thick. It grew to I wish my hair

58:04

was still that thick. It was too thick, it grew

58:06

too fast. But my grandma's jerker was slick

58:09

because it looked like a wave nouveaux. And

58:11

I always wanted a wave nouveaux because those were

58:15

folky fresh. She loved going to the

58:17

islands. She loved going on cruises.

58:20

Yeah, she loved to travel. She loved

58:22

going on the island to the islands. My grandmother loved

58:24

accessories. I definitely get that

58:27

from her. I watch a bracelet,

58:29

a ring, but when I say uh, I mean five

58:31

to seven at once. Earrings.

58:34

She had ear rings up and down her ear The women

58:36

and her family were very ornate

58:38

ladies. One of her sisters, my aunt Isabelle, May

58:40

she rest in Paradise. Myut Isabela

58:42

ain't have no tea. She had like four teeth. No,

58:45

I'm not even lying, honey. She

58:48

had a leather suit.

58:51

She had a leather suit and hat

58:53

in every color, and

58:56

I mean a leather like trench to

58:58

the floor and a leather

59:01

skirt in royal

59:03

blue, red, black, brown,

59:06

white, cream, beige.

59:09

Listen, listen.

59:13

Looking good was important, and so but

59:17

you know what, She didn't do a lot of rest,

59:21

so I tried to honor her in that way.

59:24

We're gonna rest. Another thing is that she used

59:26

to like plants. I had fifteen

59:28

plants when I first moved. Now I got four. We holding

59:30

on, We are holding on to

59:33

doing the best that we can. And one

59:35

of them is from her, her

59:38

funeral and from her services. And so I've

59:41

already said to myself that

59:43

if for some reason, because you know, it's

59:46

easy to get attached to something and say

59:48

that, oh, I got to take care of this because if

59:50

I don't, her spirit will die. No,

59:52

it's not if the plant died. It's

59:54

because it's a plant and it just died. Yeah,

59:57

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So one of them is

59:59

from her, but it's still holding on. It's

1:00:01

still very pretty, it's doing its thing. Yeah,

1:00:05

but that's such a good funeral

1:00:07

plan.

1:00:07

It's the peace, that's

1:00:09

what it is.

1:00:10

And like I killed things and surprisingly,

1:00:12

and I don't know why people do this to me.

1:00:14

I appreciate the thought.

1:00:15

But when my mom passed, people started giving me stuff

1:00:17

and were plants, Like, I don't real anything else to take

1:00:19

care of.

1:00:20

Yeah, I'm tired.

1:00:21

I'm tired of taking care of her. I

1:00:24

don't mean anything else.

1:00:26

Was your grandmother buried or cremated?

1:00:27

She was buried. I

1:00:30

have not been to her grave site.

1:00:32

No.

1:00:33

I was thinking of things like, how

1:00:35

do you attribute her, like the next

1:00:37

time you go and take yourself to an island, because you

1:00:39

should, yeah, right, How do you do something for

1:00:41

her in her spirit with that you that you feel

1:00:43

good about?

1:00:44

So she passed away in January.

1:00:47

I went the

1:00:49

first quarter of the year.

1:00:54

I did not really deal with

1:00:56

her death at all, Like I didn't really grieve.

1:00:59

I was I hit the running. Her Her

1:01:01

services were February the third,

1:01:04

I think, and February

1:01:07

twenty seventh. I went to Seattle. I

1:01:10

didn't go anywhere in March. In

1:01:13

the middle of April, I went to Dubai. The

1:01:15

end of April, I went to Atlanta. The beginning

1:01:17

of May, I went to Mexico. The end of May, I

1:01:19

went to Paris. The beginning of June. Yeah,

1:01:22

the end of the beginning of June, I went to San Antonio,

1:01:25

Texas, and then we

1:01:27

launched. I launched on iHeart, so I had to

1:01:29

sit sit down, And then when I sat

1:01:32

down, I was like, oh fuck,

1:01:34

Like my grandma was not here, like where's

1:01:37

my grandma? Like it hit me, and so really

1:01:40

I'm in the beginning stages

1:01:42

because the first quarter of it, like I

1:01:45

just was running. Maybe I was running

1:01:47

from it, or maybe I was just I was really just

1:01:49

trying to keep busy right and do all that

1:01:53

and do what I love, like I love to travel.

1:01:55

So yes, I'm going to go all the places

1:01:58

and so many places that I had never been.

1:02:00

I'd never been to Dubai, I'd never been to Seattle, I've

1:02:02

never been to San Antonio. Of course, I've

1:02:04

been to Paris many times. Of course I've

1:02:06

been to Cancun. Please

1:02:09

South Africa, don't play with me because I

1:02:11

have not been to South Africa yet. You'd have been

1:02:13

twenty seven times in the last three months.

1:02:15

Because I mean, I'm going back to night in a

1:02:17

couple of weeks.

1:02:18

Oh exactly see what I'm saying. But AnyWho,

1:02:21

So I am. I'm kind of in the thick

1:02:24

of it, just trying to figure out, like how to do it. So

1:02:26

I didn't do anything when I went.

1:02:29

It's interesting. When my uncle passed away,

1:02:31

he was cremated, and so oftentimes

1:02:34

when I go away, I take his ashes,

1:02:36

I put him in a pill capsule, and

1:02:39

I've taken him to

1:02:42

Jamaica. I've taken him to the Bahamas,

1:02:44

and I think I've taken him to Mexico and

1:02:46

you know, just fringing them. So I don't really

1:02:48

know what to do for uh

1:02:52

my grandmother. You

1:02:54

know what, when she passed away that

1:02:58

weekend. She passed away on a Wednesday,

1:03:00

that Sunday, my friend Tyrant.

1:03:02

Shout out to my friend Tyrant. He is you

1:03:06

know, people always talk about how men and women can't

1:03:08

be platonic friends and it

1:03:10

be like wholesome and

1:03:13

genuine and there be like real

1:03:15

love without it being sexual.

1:03:18

That's a fucking lie. Yeah,

1:03:22

you know, people got problems. But anyway,

1:03:25

he took me to Ocean City. We went to Ocean City.

1:03:27

Shout out to my friend Tyrant, and

1:03:33

I wrote her name in the sand. And you know what, when

1:03:35

I went to Dubai, I did the same thing, I think,

1:03:38

and I think when I went I to Mexico, I think

1:03:40

I did the same thing. And I prayed

1:03:43

under the moonlight in Mexico

1:03:46

and it was either a full moon or a new moon. I

1:03:48

think it was a new moon. When I went to Dubai, it wasn't

1:03:50

nighttime. It was during the day, but I definitely

1:03:53

prayed. My grandmother was a She was

1:03:55

a heavy. She was a big time

1:03:57

Christian. She loved the Jesus

1:03:59

Chish. She's a big time Christian. I

1:04:01

remember telling her one time, Grandma, you need a boyfriend.

1:04:03

I hope you get a boyfriend. She said, I don't need no boyfriend.

1:04:06

God is my boyfriend. Yeah, God

1:04:08

is my boyfriend. And I said, well, sometimes

1:04:10

it's good to have somebody to hold you in bed at night. And

1:04:13

she looked at me and rolled her eyes at me. You

1:04:15

know, she wanted to say, shut your ass up, but she

1:04:17

did not, because she didn't really cuss

1:04:19

at me. Thank God for that. But

1:04:22

anyway, so I don't

1:04:24

know that's something that I can think about, like how I

1:04:26

can honor her without

1:04:28

collecting things, because my grandmother was

1:04:31

a knickknack collector. Yeah,

1:04:33

and I already have that problem. So I don't

1:04:35

want to collect no more Nikis or I

1:04:37

don't want to collect no more.

1:04:39

Maybe if I want to think.

1:04:40

About like one of the things you can release right for her,

1:04:42

whether it is like maybe it's going through letting

1:04:44

go of some of the things with keeping a few that means something

1:04:46

extra special to you or like

1:04:49

there is I'm going to call it wish paper because I can remember

1:04:51

what it's called.

1:04:52

I think it's I think it's like raised paper.

1:04:54

I'm not sure, but I got this stuff

1:04:57

and it's like a sheet of paper and you write on it, roll

1:05:00

up and you let it on fire and it goes up

1:05:02

into the air. And then just made the turn stash

1:05:04

And so that's one way to write.

1:05:06

Like my brother were attributes.

1:05:08

To him and messages at the year or so after

1:05:10

you pass, and I just loot them on fire and

1:05:12

like release.

1:05:14

Can you find out what that's called? For me? That's very ritualistic.

1:05:17

I actually think I have it here somewhere.

1:05:20

That's a super ritual.

1:05:21

I'll get information on it.

1:05:23

Typically that's a ritual that you do when you want

1:05:25

to. You can do that as a ritual

1:05:27

if you want to release stuff, but also if it's something

1:05:29

that you want to call into

1:05:31

your life, you can do

1:05:33

that as well. Yep,

1:05:35

if you figure out what that is, that's great. So

1:05:38

you know what, that's what I can think about. And that sounds like

1:05:40

something that my therapist will say, because when my

1:05:42

grandfather passed away, that is what she told

1:05:45

me because the first

1:05:47

year after he passed away, I went to the cemetery

1:05:50

and it was just too fucking

1:05:52

much for me, Like, I can't handle that.

1:05:54

It was too much. So I

1:05:57

told her. I was like, I don't really like it, like

1:06:00

it didn't feel good. And she said, well, one

1:06:03

thing you can do is celebrate

1:06:07

his life the

1:06:09

way you want. You can create it however you

1:06:11

want, and so what I'll do is something The

1:06:13

next year, I tried to listen to this song that

1:06:16

he would sing, and that reminded me of him too

1:06:18

much. Can't handle it, And

1:06:21

so I said, you know, what is it that my grandfather

1:06:24

wanted for me? My grandfather wanted

1:06:26

me to be happy. So I

1:06:28

make it my business to take care of myself

1:06:31

on that day. Yep, in the

1:06:33

name of my grandfather. I take very good

1:06:35

care of myself on that day, whether it is I

1:06:37

go get a massage or I have

1:06:39

my favorite meal, I

1:06:42

eat a bag of his favorite potato chips.

1:06:45

I do.

1:06:46

I do that.

1:06:48

So I was able to do that for him. But remember

1:06:50

I had immediate mental health care

1:06:52

in that moment, so I think that I,

1:06:55

like I said, I'm excited to start to

1:06:58

go back to having

1:07:01

therapy sessions because like I need

1:07:04

to like channel this energy so that

1:07:06

it doesn't, you know, become dark. I don't

1:07:08

want to be sad. I don't want to be depressed because

1:07:10

also, you know, if I'm gonna be really honest,

1:07:12

like I'm a libra, I'm a libra scorpio, but

1:07:15

I'm very vain and I'm really particular

1:07:18

about the way that my face looks.

1:07:20

I don't you know, when people are really sad and the

1:07:22

depressed, it starts to take a toll the way you

1:07:24

look. I ain't gonna try to be I ain't

1:07:27

trying to be out here looking on old

1:07:29

and decrepit. Girl. All

1:07:31

that money I spent on moisturizers and tinctures

1:07:34

and serums and stuff. Girl

1:07:37

going driving an hour

1:07:39

and a half to get facials and stuff. And

1:07:43

no, we're not finna.

1:07:45

What he would want for you. Essentially.

1:07:47

Yeah, so yep, I think about

1:07:50

what my mom wants to be made out

1:07:52

of had or how she took care of me as

1:07:54

a child, And then like you're doing too much,

1:07:56

calm down, and so I take advantage of opportunities

1:07:59

to rest and recent not

1:08:01

do too much when I

1:08:04

feel like I need to. It took a long time to get here,

1:08:06

so guilty.

1:08:09

That is the black woman's cry.

1:08:11

Boy, like this.

1:08:14

Pato benefit that we have this,

1:08:16

this unlimited FTO and not let this get away

1:08:18

like if I need a time, but the time and.

1:08:23

No, because by then it would have also

1:08:25

taken a toll on your health. See

1:08:27

this is what I think people don't think about.

1:08:30

Sure, mental health is X

1:08:32

and it takes a toll on your spirit, your soul,

1:08:34

your energy, your emotional body.

1:08:38

You know, your your mental health, but that

1:08:40

also can take a toll on your physical health.

1:08:43

Oh yeah, yeah, So like okay, you're

1:08:46

a vegan or a vegetarian, but you

1:08:48

are burnt out your body, you'll

1:08:50

still get yeah, like

1:08:52

come on, but you know that's right.

1:08:55

When I think about my grandfather, I think about

1:08:58

my grandfather thought that my ass smelled

1:09:00

like row tincture.

1:09:03

He thought that I was the bee's knees.

1:09:05

Where are you going with this? Okay?

1:09:07

No, I was the bee's knees. I was, I

1:09:09

was it. He thought that I had the best

1:09:11

singing voice. I was the funniest,

1:09:13

I was the prettiest. He

1:09:15

would tell me, you gotta lose some weight, shade, because

1:09:18

I gru thanks. I don't need you to tell me

1:09:20

that. But all right, because you also need to

1:09:22

lose some weight, Grandpa, because I don't know if you looked around,

1:09:24

but everybody in this family needs to lose some weight.

1:09:27

But okay, but you know, like so

1:09:30

he like exalted

1:09:32

me unapologetically,

1:09:35

and I mean unapologetically. Sometimes

1:09:37

it was rude to other people the way that he exalted

1:09:39

me. I exalt my I do

1:09:42

that in his honor.

1:09:45

I love it.

1:09:45

Yeah, Now my grandmother, I got to think

1:09:47

about that. What is it that she would want for me?

1:09:51

I don't know what is it that she enjoyed? Like

1:09:54

you said something about like the chips that you

1:09:56

eed.

1:09:56

For my grandfather, Yes, within

1:09:59

my g.

1:10:01

Halloween and Christmas, and like she

1:10:04

like, I.

1:10:05

Gotta think about it.

1:10:10

Besides the scotch, No, she had

1:10:12

stopped she liked San Gria. Yeah,

1:10:14

so she had stopped drinking scotch like many

1:10:17

many years ago, decades ago when she really

1:10:19

got into the Jesus. But as

1:10:21

she got older in her seventies and eighties,

1:10:24

my cousin shout out to my cousin Garlett, and

1:10:28

shout out to my cousin Julia, because she makes it too.

1:10:33

They make san gria right from

1:10:35

scratch and soney. She would sit at them cookouts

1:10:37

and drink that sant gria and get tipsy and

1:10:40

say, can you pour me some of that

1:10:42

so I can take that home? And she would take the

1:10:44

sangria home and drink it like over

1:10:46

the course of a week. So maybe

1:10:48

that's a thing like I can have cingria. I don't

1:10:51

really like canria that much. I enjoy

1:10:53

it like it's okay, but like I'm

1:10:55

not like, ooh, girl, I can't wait to try this san

1:10:57

gria?

1:11:12

Or what did she like to do with you? Right?

1:11:14

Like those are the things that are like, let me go do this thing that

1:11:17

my mom liked to do with me.

1:11:18

We used to watch Laen, We used to watch TV

1:11:21

together. That was our jam,

1:11:23

like as an adult. And so that's the thing.

1:11:25

Like my grandparents. I was with them all

1:11:27

the time as a child because they lived up the street from me and

1:11:29

I had teenage parents, so I spent a lot of

1:11:31

time with my grandparents.

1:11:35

But also when I moved back here from California,

1:11:37

I moved with my aunt and my grandmother

1:11:40

who owned a house together, and I lived

1:11:43

there for twenty three years. So

1:11:46

all of my yes, all of my adult life

1:11:49

was with her. Yeah, and

1:11:52

then so I think people don't understand when I

1:11:54

say, like, that's my friend, that's my

1:11:56

friend, that's my roommate, that

1:11:58

is my roommate. Like

1:12:01

I remember, this is so funny. My

1:12:03

aunt she

1:12:06

was at the time living with her you

1:12:09

know, she was a baller. She had two houses. Okay,

1:12:11

she was living with her partner at the time, and

1:12:13

so it was just me and my grandmother in the house and

1:12:16

there was a hurricane and we did not

1:12:18

have power for nine days. Oh

1:12:21

yeah, let me tell you something. My grandmother

1:12:23

was a savage. I learned. I

1:12:26

learned everything I know about making

1:12:29

it as an adult because I had to take

1:12:31

care of myself early on in life. I had to

1:12:34

like fend for myself and figure things

1:12:36

out. But I was just kind of winging it. Then everything

1:12:38

I learned about how to make some

1:12:41

shit shake as an adult I

1:12:43

learned from her. I know, you got to

1:12:45

always have candles. You need

1:12:47

to have some flashlights if you ain't got a flashlights.

1:12:49

Batteries, yep, batteries. Now, I'm

1:12:51

not good with that. But I always got a candle.

1:12:54

I always got an somewhere.

1:12:56

Yeah, I always got fire. Somewhere

1:12:59

I learned how to heat a house.

1:13:01

Listen, I'm gonna be okay,

1:13:03

I'm gonna figure it out. I'm

1:13:05

gonna figure it out. But I'm

1:13:07

gonna think about that thing. We used to watch a lot

1:13:10

of Law and Order s for you. She loved Law

1:13:12

and Order. She actually preferred Law and Order to

1:13:14

Law and Order SVU. We watched a

1:13:16

lot of TV together and we laughed.

1:13:19

My grandmother had a laugh that

1:13:21

would fill a stadium.

1:13:25

She was funny, but she was also mean sometimes.

1:13:28

She was also very sassy. She was very

1:13:32

sassy.

1:13:33

Did she wear perfume.

1:13:35

Girl white diamonds? But I'm not wearing that.

1:13:37

I wasn't gonna say wear it. She

1:13:40

likes a smell light, you know, she likes.

1:13:44

And not Actually I'm not wearing the

1:13:46

white domonds now. But

1:13:48

my cousin had bought her some white diamonds,

1:13:50

and when she came for the funeral, she was like, can

1:13:53

I take the set that I brought

1:13:55

her back? I said, happily, please

1:13:57

please get this white diamonds up out of here.

1:14:00

Listen.

1:14:00

Nana likes Primo Oh yes by

1:14:03

Georgia Georgios.

1:14:06

But it reminds me of her. Yeah, I wouldn't

1:14:09

put it on my skin, but I may smell bottle

1:14:11

yep.

1:14:12

Or maybe I will just buy a bottle

1:14:14

and just keep it because I have a little table

1:14:16

like that. It's kind of all

1:14:18

about her. Yeah, I hear

1:14:20

driver's licenses on it.

1:14:23

M hm.

1:14:23

Oh yeah, her old driver's license,

1:14:25

like the one from like the eighties or the nineties

1:14:28

is on it. She

1:14:31

liked flowers, She

1:14:34

liked nick knacks, She liked

1:14:36

nick next. Yeah, I got that flowers

1:14:39

do you like? Do you like flowers? I do?

1:14:41

But I have really bad allergies. Yeah,

1:14:45

yeah, I mean who I am as

1:14:47

a woman, as an adult A lot,

1:14:49

I mean a lot of it had to be framed by

1:14:51

the time I spent with her, because I

1:14:53

spent nothing but time

1:14:55

with her from eighteen

1:14:58

to forty one. Yeah.

1:15:02

Absolutely. I don't like pets. That's

1:15:05

because I heard well. Also I have I

1:15:08

love Hueie, but I don't want to hang out with Huie

1:15:11

because I don't like pets. Also,

1:15:13

I have really bad allergies, like I'm not even

1:15:15

bsing like and if you only

1:15:18

knew. Every day before I go to work, I watch

1:15:20

videos of dogs. I know you see me reposting

1:15:22

them. Yes, I repost.

1:15:24

I'm obsessed with the account on

1:15:27

Instagram Rottwiler Republic because

1:15:29

Rottwiler puppies are the cutest

1:15:32

things on the planet. Do I want to

1:15:34

play with one? I

1:15:36

think dogs are gross. I think pets are

1:15:39

gross. They have gooble

1:15:41

on their butts, Like, what the frick? I don't want

1:15:43

that?

1:15:44

And then they

1:15:46

go, what are you talking about?

1:15:48

Yeah, but there's residual fecal matter

1:15:50

on their buttholes. And what about the dogs

1:15:52

that scrub the ground? Remember that songs

1:15:56

because because it's probably a parasite

1:15:58

in their buttole thank

1:16:00

you for that? Well, I'm just telling you I don't.

1:16:02

I'm just letting you know. And people be letting the dogs

1:16:05

lay on a pillow, are you fucking crazy?

1:16:08

And I get that from that lady. I'm telling you that's

1:16:10

just man, it's disgusting.

1:16:12

He has a spot on the ground.

1:16:15

But I'm gonna start thinking about that. That is a That is

1:16:17

a really good tip. I need to start going

1:16:19

into my mental database and

1:16:22

just really start thinking about things that she enjoyed

1:16:25

that I can tap

1:16:28

into.

1:16:29

Yeah, yeah, and honestly let it be ugly.

1:16:32

I think there was this point where I was

1:16:34

like trying to not cry,

1:16:37

or trying not that I.

1:16:38

Was trying to, I don't know, trying to handle

1:16:41

it.

1:16:41

And sometimes you need an ugly cry and

1:16:44

that's it, and go ahead and.

1:16:45

Do whatever you cry, scream wing.

1:16:47

Some ship like you need to just be in that space,

1:16:50

let it out. And I had to be okay

1:16:53

with that. I remember saying it with therapist, like I

1:16:55

feel like I talked about her too much. I said to my husband too,

1:16:57

and he looks me like that crazy when.

1:16:58

I say that.

1:16:59

He's like, oh, I want to hear you

1:17:01

talk about her because I love my mom too, and

1:17:03

I'm glad he got to know her before she passed.

1:17:05

But I wonder if

1:17:07

I am. I don't want to become

1:17:10

this this model of representation of

1:17:12

great either, right, Like I don't always want

1:17:14

to be sad.

1:17:14

I don't always want to be talking about her.

1:17:16

Right There are times when I'll walk by

1:17:19

something, i'll go through something, or I'll hear

1:17:21

or see something.

1:17:21

Like oh that makes me think of her, right, you

1:17:24

know?

1:17:24

Or I remember like especially this time you're heading inst

1:17:26

the holiday, it's like what we would have been doing at this time

1:17:28

of the year.

1:17:30

Yeah, And so that's what I'm thinking about like like

1:17:33

my birthday is in what's

1:17:36

today? My birthday is in eight days? My

1:17:38

birthdays in seven days? Shit,

1:17:41

bay, Yeah,

1:17:43

because every year she would give me a gift certificate

1:17:45

for this one place, and you know,

1:17:48

and it is not even about the gift certificate.

1:17:50

It's just about it's about her wanting to express

1:17:52

joy.

1:17:53

And she didn't really know what to get me, so

1:17:55

she would just get me that she would get me one for Christmas

1:17:58

and one from her birthday, and I

1:18:00

just I don't know, like I don't

1:18:02

know, like I don't know, and

1:18:05

like Christmas, like I don't know.

1:18:07

I don't know what the

1:18:10

motherfuck I am about to do, but

1:18:12

I am going to figure it out. You definitely gave

1:18:14

me some good ideas, though, like I

1:18:17

need to focus on like

1:18:21

like things that she loved, things that she liked

1:18:23

to do with me. Ever since I was a child.

1:18:26

We would go on like road trips together, Like

1:18:28

she would put me in the back of that Mustang when I was

1:18:30

a little girl. She would make me some snacks

1:18:32

because my little fat assaid I needed to listen.

1:18:36

You got some chips. She

1:18:38

would give me some cold fried chicken. We would

1:18:40

go so one thing I did do is that

1:18:42

me and two of my cousins went to

1:18:44

the fair and it was Grandparents' Day.

1:18:48

And they had no idea that

1:18:50

it was Grandparents' Day until I

1:18:53

mean, I think they knew, but they didn't know that I

1:18:55

wanted to go on this day because it was Grandparents'

1:18:57

Day. And when I was little, my grandmother

1:18:59

and her sister, her who also has passed

1:19:01

on, would take me and my aunt's

1:19:04

grandsons, my cousins. We would all

1:19:06

go to the fair together. And

1:19:08

so I went to the fair this year, and it

1:19:10

was like a celebration for my

1:19:13

grandma. My grandmother

1:19:15

loved to eat crabs. She would eat a dozen

1:19:17

of crabs by herself. I cannot, but

1:19:19

she could. She really

1:19:21

just liked to have a good time. She wore gold jewelry

1:19:26

always. I keep I keep it, I

1:19:30

keep it. I don't know I

1:19:32

need to. I'm so glad you said that, because I'm

1:19:34

going to really start to think about

1:19:37

it.

1:19:38

When I come to you. You'll be out somewhere,

1:19:40

you'll smell something like, oh yeah.

1:19:42

Another thing she really enjoyed this time by herself.

1:19:46

She enjoyed. She enjoyed time

1:19:48

alone. Yeah,

1:19:51

And lord knows, I do shoot. But

1:19:55

that yeah,

1:19:58

that that is that is good. You you really

1:20:00

help me. I really appreciate I'm glad we had this conversation.

1:20:02

And it's so funny. People don't want to have like

1:20:05

ugly conversations sometimes. And yes,

1:20:07

I got emotional and I cried, and yes you got

1:20:09

emotional and you cry, but like

1:20:12

there's a ray of

1:20:14

sunshine at the end of the conversation

1:20:17

because it's like now I can approach it

1:20:19

in a different way, or now you

1:20:21

know, you can look at it a different way because you kind

1:20:23

of got it out and you go over

1:20:26

you know, you recan't or recount what

1:20:28

happens, and it's like, wait a minute, that I shouldn't

1:20:30

look at it this way. I should look at it

1:20:33

that way. Or even just thinking about good

1:20:35

memories like good things that makes you feel warm

1:20:37

and good, you feel better about it.

1:20:41

I'm glad we had this conversation. I appreciate you. Thank

1:20:43

you Booth. Yes,

1:20:46

and I was tipsy at first, but I'm not as

1:20:48

tipsy anymore. Yeah,

1:20:50

me too. Listen, it came out in tears.

1:20:53

It came out in tears and snot for me, tears

1:20:56

and snot tears and SnO.

1:21:00

Well, I am going to definitely put in the show

1:21:02

notes for both episodes,

1:21:04

both parts one and two of this conversation your

1:21:08

website. I'm gonna put your Instagram

1:21:11

as well, anything else you want me to share, or you

1:21:13

want me to share the website for curate

1:21:15

noir or can they find that from your website?

1:21:18

Oh yeah, okay, I

1:21:21

need you to send that to me please, so

1:21:23

I will put that in there as

1:21:25

well. And I just want to say thank

1:21:27

you, like from a different I'm not gonna

1:21:29

cry. I want to say thank you from a different

1:21:32

space. Not thank you for girl

1:21:34

telling me, walking me through or like

1:21:36

collaborating and making a hot toddy,

1:21:39

but like this conversation was like

1:21:42

healing for me, and this

1:21:44

is you know, I just want to say this. I

1:21:47

don't like women who

1:21:49

say, oh I don't I ain't friends

1:21:51

with women because women are message

1:21:54

set show stupid ass up. Because

1:21:57

this is not a conversation that I could have

1:21:59

with a man. And not to say that men

1:22:01

don't feel or that they don't have valuable

1:22:04

things to say, or not that they but

1:22:06

there's something that is

1:22:09

softer about a conversation

1:22:12

with a sister. Yeah

1:22:14

it is. And I'm so grateful for it, and

1:22:16

I'm so grateful for the women in my life, and

1:22:19

I'm very grateful that we had this conversation. Thank

1:22:21

you very much.

1:22:23

So that's like, this is the time of year

1:22:25

where, like you said, like it's the fall, we're

1:22:27

heading into things, and like I

1:22:29

remember this time last year.

1:22:31

Being excited about the wedding but also incredibly

1:22:34

sad.

1:22:34

Oh I couldn't imagine, you

1:22:36

know.

1:22:36

Not having her for like the dress triumphs,

1:22:39

yeah, having her to talk me off the ledge, or not having

1:22:41

her be there as like all of the

1:22:43

things when I would have wanted her to be here, like she

1:22:45

was there anythink in spirit we had her picture Yet absolutely

1:22:48

I don't think everyone else understood, and

1:22:51

like one of my friends had lost her on I think maybe she

1:22:53

understood. But even then, like her

1:22:55

mom was there for her wedding, and it's almost there were times

1:22:57

where I found myself almost envious, and folks are.

1:22:59

Like, oh, I

1:23:02

deal with that. I deal with that regularly.

1:23:05

I get it.

1:23:05

That feels ugly to me though, to be like not

1:23:07

happy that so and so survived, but also man, I

1:23:09

wish my mom had right.

1:23:11

I think that the reality

1:23:14

is that my best friend

1:23:16

her and her mom have an amazing

1:23:19

relationship, and I'm

1:23:21

not ashamed to say that sometimes

1:23:25

I am not.

1:23:29

I don't know if I want to call it envious, but

1:23:32

like it makes I feel a lot of joy

1:23:35

when I see them together, when I hear her talk

1:23:37

about her mother and her

1:23:39

going to get her on Saturdays. But

1:23:41

then it forces me to go to

1:23:43

a place where I'm reminded, damn,

1:23:46

I ain't got that, and that part

1:23:48

is hard. So for

1:23:50

me, it's not necessarily envy. I

1:23:52

don't think. I mean, I don't know. Envy, jealousy,

1:23:55

and being covetous is tricky, all

1:23:57

three of them. But

1:24:00

I do find myself saying, you

1:24:02

know, I wish I could hang out with my mother.

1:24:05

Yeah, like mothers say, it's hard.

1:24:07

We we've talked about that before.

1:24:09

Yeah we did. We did. And just

1:24:11

when people city like, oh, I'm really excited what they says for

1:24:13

our parents, I'm.

1:24:13

Like, I can't do it. Yeah,

1:24:18

I can't do that.

1:24:20

But I share, like I share, like what I learned

1:24:22

in the process and what it's

1:24:24

helpful, especially when think about arrangements and

1:24:26

affairs and.

1:24:27

What you're preparing for and like, yep, you.

1:24:29

Know what you should have in order, so who can take care

1:24:31

of folks.

1:24:32

That's right.

1:24:34

We don't talk about that either.

1:24:35

No, don't talk about you know, your own

1:24:37

arrangements, like what you should be doing and ahead of your

1:24:39

getting old again?

1:24:40

Yeah, I should. I need

1:24:43

to get better. And because I don't have children, I

1:24:46

don't like it's not a priority for me.

1:24:49

Oh we need to be a parent and I need.

1:24:50

To make it a priority because and

1:24:53

also I need to make it a priority because I don't have

1:24:55

children.

1:24:56

Who is going to look out for that? Who

1:24:59

is going to do which is taking care of you?

1:25:01

Yeah, I'm going to do that.

1:25:04

I'm going to do that during my Obama year, because

1:25:07

my Obama year is coming.

1:25:09

I'm already an ARP.

1:25:11

Yeah, I don't they They just try to send me stuff.

1:25:13

I don't want that that ship return the Sunday.

1:25:15

I don't want no AARPS get

1:25:18

out of here.

1:25:19

I want to save some money.

1:25:20

I don't know what I got A

1:25:23

keep that aar P ship. I got triple

1:25:25

A and that's

1:25:27

enough for now. But I am going

1:25:29

to celebrate my birthday my

1:25:32

favorite way, which

1:25:35

I'm going to Disney World. It's

1:25:38

what I do. Disney World is what I do.

1:25:41

It Isney after Dark, Huh.

1:25:44

Do you do Disney after dark? No?

1:25:46

What's that?

1:25:48

I haven't been so a little bit. They

1:25:50

have something that involves cocktails and stuff.

1:25:52

Happening at night. No.

1:25:54

But you know, I was thinking this year that I'm

1:25:56

gonna do FCOT because I've never done FCOT.

1:25:59

Okay, and a few years ago on my birthday,

1:26:02

I did The Animal Kingdom and

1:26:06

I had never done that before. So

1:26:09

I think I'm gonna do Epcot. I

1:26:11

think I'm going to do a two park past

1:26:14

this time. And i think I'm going to do Epcot

1:26:18

because I've never done that.

1:26:21

So I'm excited about

1:26:24

food and drinks like grown

1:26:26

up Disney.

1:26:28

Huh.

1:26:29

It was still under construction when I went.

1:26:32

Well, it also tells you when you went. Do

1:26:35

you remember when they had remember

1:26:38

Captain e O Man

1:26:41

Michael Jackson was the man man. These

1:26:44

kids don't know nothing. These kids don't know about great stuff.

1:26:47

They don't. But anyway, let's get off

1:26:49

here, because you know, we were sitting and talking on here like

1:26:51

we've been just sitting on the phone like old

1:26:53

ladies. Because right,

1:26:57

technically, I'm going to drink water for

1:26:59

the rest of the day here. That's the upside. Though I did

1:27:01

go to the gym today.

1:27:03

Yeah, you said that, and I really was like, damn

1:27:05

it, Gina, you need to go to the gym.

1:27:07

Damn Gina.

1:27:10

Oh, damn Gina. Yes, I

1:27:12

did go to the gym today and maybe

1:27:15

I'll go back tomorrow. Maybe we'll

1:27:17

see I do. Because my trainer

1:27:19

told me that because I told him I drink. I said, I drink,

1:27:22

you know, and when I drink, I drink. And I noticed

1:27:25

that when I drink, my weight goes up because

1:27:27

I used to weigh myself every day. Not from a

1:27:29

crazy psychotic standpoint, but

1:27:32

when you do those things like NOOM and weight watchers,

1:27:34

they tell you to weigh yourself every day. And people

1:27:36

are like, oh that can make you so wait

1:27:39

wait wait, and I'm like, shut up. If anything, it helped

1:27:41

me, because it really helped me to pay

1:27:43

attention. I'm so aware of what makes

1:27:46

me gain, what makes me lose,

1:27:49

and I'm aware of I'm very

1:27:51

aware of all of the things. Alcohol

1:27:54

always puts two to three, maybe

1:27:57

four pounds on me the next day. Yeah,

1:28:01

oh yeah, you you definitely or

1:28:04

up your water intake. But what he told

1:28:07

me is that if you drink the

1:28:09

very next day, you need to go work out.

1:28:12

Okay, Yeah, I'm gonna

1:28:14

be working out a lot more than I thought.

1:28:16

That's all right.

1:28:18

Well, anyway, I love you and I am grateful

1:28:20

for you, and I hope that you can take some time off

1:28:23

from going to South Africa to make your way

1:28:25

from New Jersey down to Baltimore

1:28:28

so we can hang up.

1:28:29

I will on the calendar.

1:28:31

Okay, thank you so much. I love you

1:28:34

and I will talk to you soon. All

1:28:56

right, So, friends in him for today's

1:28:58

straight facts. We have

1:29:00

a question from the

1:29:03

Sunshine State, and

1:29:05

that is a Florida I

1:29:07

believe, if I'm not mistake in Florida

1:29:09

is the Sunshine State or it's

1:29:11

California the Sunshine State. Lord

1:29:15

hold on for a second. I need to find this out,

1:29:18

hope, please, So

1:29:22

it seems that I was right. Florida

1:29:25

is the Sunshine State and California

1:29:28

is the Golden State. I

1:29:30

knew that, you know, sometimes you

1:29:32

just forget stuff. I definitely knew that. Shout

1:29:36

out to California.

1:29:40

No shave Florida. But Florida

1:29:42

is a strange place, but it holds

1:29:44

a special place in my heart because

1:29:47

it houses Disney World. Anyway,

1:29:49

let's get into this question, Hey mee, me. I

1:29:52

am a forty one year old heterosexual woman,

1:29:54

and I really want to be in love. I'm

1:29:56

dating this guy and he is bisexual.

1:29:59

We've been for five months. He

1:30:01

gives me the attention and affection I crave

1:30:03

from a man has a great job

1:30:06

and is very financially savvy.

1:30:09

I just want to say that just because he's very financially

1:30:12

savvy doesn't mean that he

1:30:14

is open to sharing his finances

1:30:17

with you, or buying new gifts

1:30:19

or making you a part of his finances.

1:30:22

I'm not sure if that's important

1:30:24

to you or if you just like someone who

1:30:27

is financially savvy, but let's

1:30:29

move forward anyway. She

1:30:32

says, these are all things that

1:30:34

are high on my list of qualities

1:30:36

that I seek in a partner. He told

1:30:38

me that he wants to marry me, and I'm actually

1:30:40

considering moving in with him. Should

1:30:43

I take a chance on love? Or am I living

1:30:45

in a fly by night fairy tale? What

1:30:47

do you think? And that is from

1:30:50

Lisa and

1:30:52

Lisa is writing us from Tampa.

1:30:55

Shout out to Tampa, because I got a lot of people down there

1:30:57

that listen. All

1:31:00

right, Lisa, let's just get into this.

1:31:02

All right.

1:31:02

You're forty one years old, right, you

1:31:05

really want to be in love? As soon as you said that,

1:31:07

that stuck out as a red flag to me. Not

1:31:10

because it's bad to really want to be in love, because

1:31:12

there's nothing wrong with that. We're on the planet

1:31:14

to be coupled up and paired up and be in love.

1:31:17

Like, I get that. I'm not. I'm

1:31:19

not shading that, but it's a red flag

1:31:21

to me because I knew that whatever came

1:31:23

after that, it

1:31:26

was gonna be some shit. Right, So you

1:31:28

really want to be in love? You saying

1:31:30

that made me think whatever she's

1:31:33

about to say, it's going to possibly be

1:31:35

some fuck shit. And she's trying to explain

1:31:37

why you know this fuck shit is

1:31:39

acceptable. But anyway, I'm

1:31:42

dating this guy. He's bisexual. If you don't

1:31:44

care, so, first and foremost, that's not

1:31:46

the fuck shit part for me. It

1:31:48

says, I'm dating this guy he's bisexual. If

1:31:51

you don't care that he's bisexual, nobody

1:31:53

else should really care because it's you and

1:31:55

you're nute, and that's your business.

1:31:58

Okay, your bedroom, whatever

1:32:00

you got going on, whoever you're sleeping

1:32:02

with and loving and rubbing and hugging and whatever

1:32:05

else. Goes on in your bedroom. That's between

1:32:07

you and him. Okay, but

1:32:11

understand that he is bisexual, and

1:32:14

if he is a bisexual man, you

1:32:17

know there are things that come along with dating

1:32:19

a bisexual man. Make sure

1:32:21

you're okay with that. Okay. Then there's that

1:32:23

we've been dating for five months, all right.

1:32:25

Five months is not a long time. It's not even

1:32:28

half of a year. Okay, five

1:32:30

months is not a

1:32:33

long time. Let's

1:32:35

just establish that it takes

1:32:38

a long time to really get to know somebody.

1:32:42

I feel like it takes six to nine months

1:32:44

to really get a true essence of

1:32:46

somebody's personality and their

1:32:48

characteristics and who they are

1:32:50

when nobody's really watching, depending

1:32:53

on if they're manipulative or not. Okay,

1:32:56

five months isn't a long time. But you know what, people

1:32:59

get married and known each other for days,

1:33:01

So go for it. I'm not saying

1:33:03

go for the marriage. I'm just saying, go for it. It's

1:33:05

fine. It says he gives me

1:33:07

the attention and affection that I crave from a man.

1:33:10

Also, I'm looking like

1:33:12

uh oh, because I

1:33:15

know this sounds bad, but it's

1:33:17

making me the whole I really want

1:33:19

to be in love. He gives me the attention

1:33:21

affection I crave from a man. Everybody

1:33:24

wants attention and affection. You

1:33:27

know that's normal, but you mentioned

1:33:29

it, and so it just

1:33:31

kind of, I don't know, it just kind of made me feel

1:33:34

a little warbly. But whatever, has

1:33:37

a great job, very financially savvy. Those are

1:33:39

great things, right. He

1:33:41

told me that he wants to marry me. It's

1:33:43

been five months, Lisa.

1:33:46

Why do he want to get married so fast? What's

1:33:48

the rush? And some people

1:33:50

do get married really fast, and there's nothing wrong

1:33:52

with that. But you don't

1:33:55

really know him, and

1:33:57

you're considering moving in with him. These

1:33:59

are made eat your moves. These are

1:34:01

big boss moves. Okay,

1:34:04

should you take a chance on love, You should always

1:34:06

take a chance on love. But

1:34:09

don't be no fool, now, you

1:34:11

know, don't be a fool. There's nothing wrong

1:34:14

with taking a chance on love. And it sounds

1:34:16

like you might be living in a fly by night

1:34:18

fairy tale

1:34:20

and you should take a chance on it. But

1:34:23

don't take a chance on it by being a complete

1:34:25

fool. Okay, there's

1:34:28

no need to move in with each other after

1:34:30

five or six months. There's no need

1:34:32

to get married after five or six months

1:34:35

because you don't really know him.

1:34:39

And I find it weird that you mentioned that he's

1:34:41

bisexual. Why'd

1:34:44

you even bring that up? Like, don't

1:34:46

nobody care? Girl is twenty twenty

1:34:48

three. Do your thing, handle

1:34:51

your scandal because it ain't none of my business. But

1:34:55

I find it interesting that you brought that up.

1:34:57

But anyway, and you brought it up immediately

1:35:00

after saying I really want to be in love. But anyway,

1:35:04

I do think you should take a chance on love, Lisa,

1:35:06

but I do think you should slow down, so

1:35:09

damn hey, because

1:35:11

I can't take the heat. So down

1:35:14

anyway, I think you should slow down. Okay.

1:35:17

I also feel like this iced crimbru

1:35:20

let latte is kicking in yep.

1:35:22

I feel like I want to run around my house

1:35:24

right now, but I'm not because I am

1:35:27

recording this for you guys. So anyway, I

1:35:29

do believe that you are kind of creating

1:35:32

a fairy tale in your head,

1:35:34

and I think if you just slow down, you

1:35:37

could really develop and grow

1:35:39

a really beautiful relationship with

1:35:41

someone that you like and that

1:35:44

seems to really like you. And

1:35:47

it's nothing wrong with taking your time,

1:35:49

there's no rush, But

1:35:51

I feel like if you rush you

1:35:53

could miss something, So just take your time,

1:35:55

Sis and invite me to that within I've

1:36:01

never been to Tampa, invite me to the wedding. Good

1:36:03

luck with that, Lisa

1:36:10

Soul Friends and Ken. Four today's we

1:36:12

Got to Do Better segment,

1:36:16

I went to a poet and

1:36:18

author that I have gone to several

1:36:20

times. A further segment, Auntie

1:36:23

Nikki Giovanni, and she says,

1:36:26

most of us love from

1:36:28

our need to love, not

1:36:31

because we find someone deserving.

1:36:33

Ooh listen, no,

1:36:36

what, what in the world is that?

1:36:39

How bullshit? Listen? After

1:36:44

that straight facts question?

1:36:47

When I saw this, I said, oh, absolutely,

1:36:49

because it's the best

1:36:52

piggyback that

1:36:54

I could think of. Most of us

1:36:56

love from our need to love.

1:37:00

I would even say our desire

1:37:04

to be loved as well, not

1:37:07

because we find someone deserving. And

1:37:09

it's so funny. I

1:37:12

oftentimes I think about

1:37:14

that now that I know I've been single for a long

1:37:16

time intentionally, and

1:37:20

I think, now I'm at

1:37:22

forty four, I'm really focused

1:37:25

on being

1:37:28

intentional about

1:37:31

being coupled with or partnered with

1:37:34

a man who is deserving of

1:37:38

my time, my energy, my love, my

1:37:40

joy, my happiness, the peace

1:37:43

that I would hopefully add

1:37:45

to his life,

1:37:47

my loyalty, my

1:37:50

affection, my attention, my

1:37:52

everything, everything that comes with being

1:37:55

in a relationship with me. I

1:37:57

am. I am fully

1:37:59

in intentional about waiting until

1:38:01

I find and or meet someone who

1:38:04

is deserving of that, because

1:38:07

just being with anybody, like come on

1:38:09

now, it's trash everywhere

1:38:11

on the street, everywhere

1:38:13

you turn. Look up

1:38:16

the street, look down the street, get

1:38:18

on the bus, get on the subway,

1:38:21

drive down the highway. It's everywhere.

1:38:24

But there's something to be said

1:38:26

about being intentional about waiting

1:38:29

for someone who you feel like deserves

1:38:31

you. I am focused on my

1:38:33

self worth and my worth and

1:38:36

as I navigate

1:38:38

this journey because I have not always been there.

1:38:40

Okay, but let's all just

1:38:43

say thank you to

1:38:45

God for deliverance. Jesus,

1:38:47

Jesus, Jesus. I have not always

1:38:49

been in that space. But now that I

1:38:51

am, I notice so many things. And

1:38:53

one of the things that I notice is that I do not

1:38:55

have the tolerance or the patience

1:38:59

for some of the men that I used to deal

1:39:01

with, because they always creep and come

1:39:03

back. They always come back. And

1:39:06

that's fine because I don't have a problem

1:39:08

with compartmentalizing people like that's

1:39:10

fine. Everybody serves a purpose, you

1:39:13

know, everybody serves

1:39:16

a purpose, if you know what I mean. But

1:39:19

I just feel like there's

1:39:21

gonna be a reward that God

1:39:24

gives me for intentionally

1:39:27

waiting for someone who is deserving.

1:39:29

Does that mean that I'm not going to entertain

1:39:32

gentlemen friends, No, it does

1:39:34

not. But what it does mean is that

1:39:36

when it comes to settling down and

1:39:38

being in a serious and

1:39:40

or heavy partnership and an

1:39:43

exclusive relationship with a man, oh,

1:39:45

I'm gonna wait until I meet or find somebody

1:39:48

that I feel truly deserves to

1:39:51

be with me, because

1:39:53

all ain't worthy, okay, And I

1:39:56

highly suggest that

1:39:58

people start just thinking about that. I'm not saying

1:40:01

that you've got to be like me and do what I gotta do, because

1:40:03

some people don't have the capacity

1:40:06

to be alone in that way. That's a whole

1:40:08

nother story. But I thoroughly

1:40:10

enjoyed my time with myself and how I traverse

1:40:13

this planet single.

1:40:16

But eventually, and soon,

1:40:18

hopefully, because I want to be in a relationship,

1:40:21

I will meet someone or settle

1:40:23

down with someone. But you can best believe

1:40:25

that when I tell you that I did or

1:40:28

that I have and you see him on my Instagram,

1:40:31

which will probably be six to nine months after

1:40:33

we've been dating. Like best

1:40:35

believe that the brother's legit.

1:40:37

Okay, because I don't

1:40:39

waited all this time. I don't want to waste no time.

1:40:42

I don't want to waste any time or any energy.

1:40:44

I don't. I don't.

1:40:46

I feel like the second half of my life

1:40:49

is it's primetime.

1:40:51

Baby, call me Dion Sanders over

1:40:53

here, call me coach Prime. Okay,

1:40:56

because this is the prime of my life. I'm

1:40:59

gonna read it one more time because I

1:41:01

want you to remember what we were here

1:41:03

for in the first place. Most of us love

1:41:05

from our need to love, not because

1:41:08

we find someone deserving.

1:41:10

Thank you, Auntie, Nikki Giovanni. We

1:41:12

appreciate you, and I am grateful

1:41:21

friends Again. The first thing that I want to do is

1:41:23

say thank you to God first and

1:41:25

foremost, because God is supreme and

1:41:28

at the head of my life, and I recognize and appreciate

1:41:31

the grace that God extends to me

1:41:33

every single day of my black ass life.