0:00

Hand Me my Purse is a production of iHeart

0:02

Podcasts. So

0:05

I was perusing

0:07

Lourne Hill's websites,

0:09

is what I said, but I meant to

0:11

say interwebs and found

0:16

an old Instagram

0:19

post of my own

0:22

and it is actually from

0:26

jo Leone is

0:28

the author of the post. The author

0:31

of the post, and at the top of

0:33

the post, I wrote, let me put my glasses

0:35

on. At the top

0:37

of the post, I wrote a note to myself

0:39

from myself, and jo Leone

0:42

wrote, I wish for you a healing love. I

0:45

wish for you a peaceful love, a true love,

0:47

a revolutionary love, a

0:49

rejuvenating love, a prosperous

0:51

love, a holy love, an

0:54

intentional love and effortless

0:57

love, an extraordinary love,

1:00

a joyful love, a cosmic

1:02

love, a prophetic love

1:05

for always. And

1:07

I loved it, and

1:09

I love when Facebook remind

1:13

you excuse my voices a little squeaky,

1:15

remind you of things that you

1:17

have said before you have posted, because

1:20

it kind of takes you back to a certain time

1:23

and remind you of who

1:27

you were, what you wanted, what you thought about,

1:30

and it kind of levels your helps

1:33

you to balance some things out or get into alignment.

1:35

So I'm glad for that, and

1:37

I wish that for you too. As a matter of

1:39

fact, I definitely

1:42

do for always.

2:02

I can't see the patter of it.

2:04

Okay, what's up, y'all? Welcome to hand me

2:06

my purse to podcast. I am Me Me Walker,

2:09

and I will be here forever hosts each and every

2:11

single time you tune into this podcast. So go

2:13

ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself

2:16

a glass of your favorite beverage, whether

2:18

that's a Ka soda with a splash

2:20

of grapefruit juice, a nice

2:22

cold bottle of doctor pepper that you put

2:24

in the freezer for about twenty minutes so

2:27

it has some ice chips in it, or just

2:29

a hot cup of black coffee.

2:32

Go light yourself a candle, some incense, or

2:34

burn some sage, and just get ready

2:36

to chill out and have yourself a good time,

2:40

because it's time to have yourself a good

2:42

time. What's

2:53

our friends? And ken, it's me me, Resident Auntie

2:55

Supreme here and hand me my purse. And today

2:58

I am actually not sitping on anything.

3:01

Let me tell you why. Actually in

3:03

this moment, I'm not. About ten

3:06

minutes ago, I drank some

3:08

tea that I had sitting on my nightstand.

3:11

Because it's really late.

3:13

It's really really late, and I couldn't sleep,

3:15

So I said, let me get up and be productive

3:18

other than laying in the bed and

3:20

scrolling on the internet. Let

3:22

me get up and do something productive. So I got

3:25

up and I said, let me just record how

3:27

about that?

3:28

And I did just drink some.

3:29

Tea in it was a lavender

3:32

and camerameal probiotics tea.

3:35

And I also had a raspberry

3:37

leaf tea bag in there, because

3:42

sometimes when you're a girl, you need to drink raspberry

3:45

leaf tea because it's helpful.

3:48

Let me tell you what it's good for ladies.

3:51

So let me just say this. It is very,

3:53

very helpful for women.

3:58

It is.

4:00

Antioxidants. It helps with your digestion

4:03

and digestive support. It

4:05

says here we'll relieve mouth ulcers,

4:07

sore throats, and gum disease, alleviates

4:10

inflammatory conditions, minstrel

4:12

cramping, and water retention. That's

4:15

why I drink it. Also, I drink

4:17

it because

4:19

it's supposed to help with balancing your

4:21

hormones. It's

4:24

great to drink during your menstrual

4:27

cycle. Of course

4:29

we're hormonal balance, but it

4:32

is it

4:34

has some properties that help with blood clotting,

4:36

so you may bruise a lot easier,

4:38

which sucks because I fail the other day

4:40

and my leg is all bruised up. But

4:44

it's really good for helping the balancing helped,

4:46

excuse me, helping to balance your hormones,

4:49

and it has tons of antioxidants

4:53

and it says here it also may help to lower

4:55

the risk of developing cardiovascular

4:58

disease. So all

5:00

I think it's great to drink. So

5:02

that's what I was drinking on

5:04

some hot tea a few minutes

5:07

ago, and doesn't

5:09

sound that exciting, but you know when it's your time.

5:12

Also, I've read that it helps with

5:14

paramient apauzle menstrual

5:16

flow. So ladies, do

5:18

your research. Look up red raspberry

5:21

leaf tea. If you're pregnant,

5:23

you probably shouldn't drink it. It's supposed

5:25

to help with childbirth. But talk to your

5:27

doctor. Don't be listening to me, because we'll

5:30

do I didn't I know, I don't know shit. I'm

5:32

just telling you what I drink, and we know I

5:34

ain't pregnant, but not be

5:37

We know I ain't pregnant, so just

5:39

do your own research. But that's what I was

5:41

sipping on. Now, what were you

5:44

sipping on? Is really the question? So

5:53

friends then came forward today's jam.

5:55

I chose this song because I

5:58

have been in a really weird, weird state,

6:02

and I'm kind of in a state where

6:06

I feel a little stuck. You know, Sister is in a

6:08

very strange space lately.

6:11

Mother's Day is coming and that's always a humdinger

6:13

for me. And it's a period of time where I

6:16

have to actively focus on being strategic

6:19

around taking care of my mental health, like

6:21

I have to really work hard. I

6:25

got some life things happening, some health things

6:27

happening. Listen, sis, I just got some shit

6:30

happening. Okay, And when times

6:32

like this come, and especially with the conversation

6:34

that I've been having excuse

6:37

me with my guests for this episode.

6:39

In the previous episode a

6:41

lower author Arthur, excuse

6:43

me, where we are talking about death, grief,

6:46

mortality, and also joyful

6:48

living and being intentional and living a full

6:50

life.

6:53

It was just interesting because I'm usually the one

6:55

who is talking about joy and being intentional,

6:58

but this time I got to listen and

7:01

to absorb, and it got me to thinking. You

7:03

know, I just was thinking a

7:06

lot. Jesus Jesus.

7:08

Anyway, let me focus before I go

7:10

off on a tangent. Anyway,

7:13

this was part two of our conversation, and afterwards

7:16

I was led to just think about, you know,

7:18

just talking about grief and death. I

7:21

started thinking about some of the people who are

7:24

no longer here that would help

7:26

me when I was going through times like this.

7:29

And so the song that I chose a song that my grandfather

7:32

used to always play when I would come to his house when

7:34

he lived in this particular apartment, and

7:36

he would sit by the window and play songs for me,

7:39

and he was singing, and you know, we

7:41

would talk about music, and he would remind

7:43

me of when I sang on our family reunion cruise

7:45

and I won the karaoke competition because

7:48

contrary to popular belief, I can

7:50

actually sing, and he would tell me

7:52

that I sing. He

7:54

would always say this that I sing at

7:56

Last by Edda James, way better

7:59

than Beyonce did for the Obamas, which I

8:01

thought was hilarious. But

8:04

I chose this song because he would play it over and

8:06

over and over and over and over, and every

8:08

time I hear it, I think of him, and it is

8:10

I say a little prayer for you by.

8:12

I'm Gonna try another cry.

8:15

I Say a Little Prayer for You by Aretha Franklin

8:18

and.

8:21

A lot of people have covered this song.

8:25

But you know, nobody does it like uh Re

8:28

Read because she's the original Queen Bee.

8:31

And so the words of this song are

8:33

really beautiful and it's about love. But for

8:35

me, it's about

8:39

my connection to my biggest cheerleader in

8:41

the oh. I got a women, give

8:44

me a second, I'd be right back. Okay,

8:46

I just had to get myself together for a second before

8:48

I fell apart on this microphone.

8:53

So anyway, I was saying that

8:56

this song is about for

9:00

me, it connects me or it takes me back

9:03

to spending time with or brings

9:05

back memories of you know, my

9:07

number one cheerleader is the biggest cheerleader that

9:09

I've ever had in the entire world ever

9:12

in the history of people who supported me in any

9:14

way and in everything that I did. And that's

9:16

my Grandpap Chops. And I

9:19

always make the joke that, you know, like

9:21

I could poop in the middle of the street and he would be

9:23

like, you know, you know

9:25

whatever my nickname that he called me,

9:28

which was sometimes it was Red because he would confuse

9:30

me with my aunt, my grandmother. He I guess

9:32

he figured he called them red, he might as well

9:35

call me red. I don't know why, because

9:37

we're not the same complexion. But whatever, he'd

9:40

be like, you know, red or you know another

9:42

name. He would call me by my middle name. You

9:45

shouldn't have did that, you know. But we're gonna

9:47

clean it up, and then we're gonna go and it's

9:50

gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. It

9:52

doesn't matter what I did. By

9:55

the end of the conversation, it was okay, or

9:57

he would tell me it was fine that I did it. And

10:00

his birthday is coming up, so I decided

10:02

to choose this song to celebrate him early and

10:06

because I miss him a.

10:07

Lot, So enjoy

10:10

this song.

10:14

My favorite part of the song is

10:16

the way it starts, and it says from

10:18

Oh, this is a lot fucking harder

10:21

than I thought it would be. Give

10:23

me a second,

10:26

listen. I

10:29

told you whole I got a lot on me. I ain't making

10:31

this shit up now, Jesus,

10:33

Jesus, Jesus. So anyway,

10:36

I think I was saying that My favorite part about

10:39

the song is that the way the song

10:41

starts and it started out starts out with her

10:43

saying, from the moment I wake

10:45

up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer

10:47

for you. And to me, praying

10:50

for somebody is the highest form of

10:53

showing love or to

10:56

express love for someone, To pray for someone,

10:58

to ask God to help them

11:01

or to bless them, or to cover them, or to protect

11:03

them or to heal them. I love that.

11:05

So anyway,

11:08

enjoy the song, and of course they'll link to the songs

11:10

in the show notes. You know the drill,

11:12

it'll be there. Go listen to it, and go listen

11:15

to it, because I'm sure you've listened to the song

11:17

many times before. But go

11:19

listen to it and really listen to the

11:21

words and

11:23

listen to how beautiful it

11:26

is. And then, you know what, let's

11:30

just go ahead and get this party starter because I'm

11:32

over here falling apart at

11:34

the scenes. Let's go ahead

11:37

and get this.

11:37

Party starter.

11:44

Busting. Why

12:10

there's a light I feel like you

12:12

bring to this kind of work, a

12:15

sunshine if you will, that you bring to it

12:17

that people may not think

12:19

about or see when they think about people

12:21

leaving this realm or

12:24

themselves leaving this room. But there's something

12:27

beautiful about the work that you do.

12:30

And when I reflect, because

12:32

I'm telling you, in this process, I've done

12:34

a lot of reflecting. And when I think about my

12:37

grandmother leaving all of the little things

12:39

like combing her hair and you

12:43

know, lotioning her feet or

12:46

yeah, all of those little things, or pulling

12:48

the nurse outside because she was being my grandma

12:51

was being mean to her and you know, saying

12:53

please, you know she is having a hard

12:55

day.

12:55

Just all of those little things.

12:57

When I think back to them

12:59

now, like they were such beautiful

13:02

moments that of course I'm never going

13:04

to get to experience it again, but I'm

13:06

so grateful that I was able to experience

13:08

them.

13:08

Yeah, I'm also really grateful for your presence

13:10

while you were experiencing them, you know, to

13:13

be able to think back on those times that you

13:15

were brushing your hair or.

13:16

You were present. Here we go, I told you what's

13:18

coming.

13:19

I'm glad they're here, you know what I mean, Let them

13:21

out, Let them out, let them out.

13:23

But being able to be present

13:25

for the little moments when our people are

13:27

dying, it's the last bit, the tangible

13:30

bit that we'll have of them. And so when

13:32

people are always asking for advice about what WOU

13:34

do I do when I'm caregiving somebody or somebody's

13:36

getting close to the end of life. My encouragement

13:39

is always to stay asked present in your body as

13:41

possible, because presence in the body

13:43

means I can be present for this thing that's happening,

13:46

and the little things that are that are

13:48

happening are the things that will have to hold onto after

13:50

they die. So I try to encourage

13:52

presence as much as possible. And I'm glad to hear that

13:54

you did.

13:56

I did, Thank you. I appreciate that.

13:58

That's interesting that you say that. I

14:02

often wonder and you know, and

14:04

I think about the part of your book where

14:07

I can't think of his name.

14:08

I want to say, his name.

14:09

Is Mike, and he had the wife

14:11

who went to the girl's trip with her

14:13

friends, and yeah, yeah,

14:16

I think about how as

14:20

caregivers we think we know everything

14:23

right, we know what they need, we know what they want.

14:25

They don't know what they want because you know, they're dying, so

14:27

they don't really know we know what is important

14:29

to them. It was really lovely

14:32

to hear like him open up and talk to

14:34

you about like how he felt

14:36

and what he

14:38

wanted, not versus what she wanted

14:41

for him, but you know what I mean, in contrast to

14:43

what she wanted for him. What is

14:46

there a common thread that

14:49

you find when people are

14:51

in the process of leaving

14:55

when it comes to like things that they want or

14:57

things that they want to experience, or what

15:01

they want to feel, what they want

15:03

to eat, and not necessarily

15:05

exact foods that they want to eat, but what are

15:07

some of the things that you find that

15:09

they that are important to them to experiences

15:13

in that time going through the process.

15:15

I think many of us associate

15:17

like bucket list stuff or things that

15:19

people might want when they're dying with like the big

15:21

things, right like the things that they didn't get to

15:23

do when they were dying. One of the questions

15:26

that I often ask is what is

15:28

still undone in your life?

15:30

And that question.

15:32

Gives a lot of responses, and it's a question all of us can

15:34

ask ourselves right now because that's

15:37

loaded.

15:38

What is still undone? What do you what

15:40

must you do?

15:41

What must you do?

15:42

And the answers are rarely

15:45

about going to see the Mona Lisa

15:48

or not that kissing their motherland for the

15:50

first time.

15:51

It's rarely about that. It's more about having.

15:54

Spent more time with somebody that they loved, or

15:56

apologizing to somebody, or

15:59

you know, speaking truth with somebody else, or

16:01

gaining their hands in the soil one last time.

16:04

It has a lot less to do with the big things that we

16:06

think that it does, which is why the

16:08

practice the presence that I was talking about before is

16:10

so important because it allows us to be

16:12

like present with this really wild

16:15

experience of life that we have that people

16:17

who are leaving it seem to be so much more keenly

16:19

aware of.

16:20

You see what I'm saying.

16:21

No, I get it, I get it. I get it.

16:24

So it's just it's the little things. It's the little

16:26

things. It's little things.

16:27

Sometimes it's like foods from childhood,

16:30

or the smell of something, or

16:32

they want to hear their song. It's often

16:34

in the sensory experience, but the minute

16:37

things about living.

16:38

I get that. That makes sense.

16:39

So, and it's funny as

16:42

you say that, I think about

16:44

like I said, I feel like

16:46

I've been very reflective in the process

16:49

of like.

16:51

Experience in this book.

16:53

Not just extremely reflective,

16:55

but what you just said about what

16:58

in your life is Undone.

17:02

Man there's a big one.

17:04

Whoa that that that is? And

17:06

I think that it's

17:10

a beautiful thing for people to, like

17:12

you said, seeing them on Lisa

17:15

or going to an active volcano and watching

17:17

it from a like, all those things are great. But

17:20

will you be able to you know, I'm from Baltimore.

17:23

Will you be able to eat a crab eating a crab cake

17:25

one last time? Hearing

17:29

somebody that you love laugh, you

17:31

know, singing your favorite

17:34

gospel him, or somebody reading your favorite

17:36

Bible verse, or eating a piece of

17:38

candy, or smelling white

17:41

diamonds. And I think that when I think about

17:43

my grandmother.

17:44

Wore white diamonds.

17:46

It's over there on her little table. Her

17:48

little white is sitting on the front on the table.

17:50

But I think that makes me think

17:52

about like right now, me savoring

17:56

like little moments because it's great to go

17:58

on big trips because I like to travel just

18:00

like you do. You are traveling somebody

18:04

and a solo traveler. I love a good solo

18:07

trip. People don't understand that. And I don't have kids

18:09

either, says, And people don't understand when you don't

18:11

want kids, Just leave me the hell alone alone,

18:14

Because maybe I just want to be an auntie

18:17

and good.

18:18

It's fun, it's great. You

18:20

can take it. Being back home.

18:22

Being an auntie is supreme

18:25

living. I can take you back home.

18:28

I can have a lot

18:30

of fun with you. I can give you

18:32

alcohol when you get a little older. Don't

18:35

tell your mom like you can talk to me about your

18:37

boyfriends. Oh, if

18:39

you have a pregnancy scare and you're twenty one,

18:42

you can call me and we can.

18:43

Work through it. Like it, you know what I mean.

18:45

It's like a safe space beyond

18:48

the mom. I'm okay with that, but

18:52

please and thank you. It makes

18:54

me think about

18:56

those small things in my life

18:59

to savor, you know. And big

19:01

trips are fine, and going to brunch

19:03

with your girlfriends is good, and doing

19:05

all these grandiose things are good. But what

19:08

about burning your favorite incense? Oh

19:11

it makes me happy, eating a cherry,

19:13

a green apple, blowpop. Not

19:16

on a regular basis because your teeth will fall out, but like,

19:18

you know, you know, savoring

19:20

those moments, hearing if I could hear

19:23

my grandmother laugh again? What

19:26

like those little things? And it reminds me.

19:28

I'm telling y'all, y'all need to read this book

19:32

because it will

19:35

I mean, if you have any substance in your soul.

19:37

It will make you really stop

19:39

and think, like, what the fuck am I doing

19:41

with my life? Like

19:44

not even versus life, not even up

19:46

against Like what am I doing in my life?

19:48

Because I'm gonna die soon or I'm gonna die

19:50

even eventually, because you know we're all gonna

19:52

die. But in this moment. This is

19:54

another thing Me and my therapist have worked really hard,

19:57

me trying to remain present and not being

20:00

focused on the future because I want

20:02

to control everything. But what

20:04

am I doing right now? It

20:07

this the whole thought of

20:10

dealing with mortality is all about

20:12

being in the present right right,

20:16

And people forget that, you know, they

20:18

think it's something like big out there or something big

20:21

that we got to do, and it's like, no, it's right here. Dying

20:23

also happens in an ordinary moment, still

20:25

just living small

20:28

moments. But I think people forget,

20:30

Like when you die, you did like it's

20:33

like it's it's done for you, ye

20:35

like and I know that is a little harsh,

20:38

but like it's done for you, Like at that

20:40

point it's about everybody else around

20:42

you trying to put the pieces back

20:44

together, but like your part is done

20:46

and maybe if you believe in reincarnation,

20:48

maybe you'll come back and get to do it all over again.

20:50

If that, if you and I

20:53

wouldn't want to come back as a human right now though

20:56

not the way this work.

20:56

You would No, No, I said, I'm good.

20:59

No, Yeah, this world sucks bringing

21:01

back as a butterfly or something, or a hippopotamus.

21:04

They have a good time.

21:06

But I love that this

21:08

book has really helped me

21:10

to really focus on like

21:12

what are you doing? Like what are you doing

21:15

to ensure that the life you live

21:17

is a life filled with joy, a life

21:20

filled with the things that you want to do,

21:22

A life filled with substance

21:26

and not substance in the in the

21:28

terms of like productivity. You know, Black

21:30

women love to be busy, don't we. I'm

21:32

booked them busy. VI you

21:35

tired?

21:36

Yeah, laying down? I'm sitting down.

21:38

Nap time. Yes, even if you don't

21:40

go to sleep, it's still nap time, lay down

21:42

time. But I love

21:45

that this book brought

21:47

me to that space because it's not a space that I

21:49

have ever been in, because who I don't really think

21:51

about my own mortality until now.

21:56

How do you? And I mean you kind of talked

21:58

about it when you talked about self care in

22:01

the process, But like, where

22:04

do you think that you gathered

22:07

or developed the emotional resilience

22:10

to do this kind of work.

22:12

I think I've been building it for a long time,

22:15

and I also think that many.

22:16

Of us have it.

22:17

It's just I practice.

22:19

Mine quite often for

22:22

people to want to become death doulas.

22:24

I think we make effective death dollas

22:26

when we are comfortable and emotional depth,

22:29

and most often that means that I've become

22:32

made mind my friends, you know, I'm

22:34

familiar with them.

22:35

I try not to shun some.

22:38

I try to get as comfortable with

22:40

my shame as I am with my joy.

22:42

Is to allow, you know, all things

22:45

to exist. Part of the reason I

22:47

named the book briefly perfectly human is

22:49

not only that as a result of being human, that

22:51

means that will die, but it also to

22:54

give ourselves like the free range

22:56

to like feel this human thing, to

22:58

feel what it's like to be in about and to

23:00

have rage and to have like

23:03

silence and to have awe

23:05

and to have anger and vitriol and

23:08

judgment and all those things.

23:09

That's all makes us very human.

23:11

And so the emotional resilience is

23:13

getting comfortable with like the full gamut

23:16

of the human experience to me, like.

23:19

You know, many things can be true at the same time.

23:22

Yea, yes, Yeah.

23:24

Do you feel like sometimes because I know I

23:27

know a lot of people who are overthinkers meeting

23:29

one of them, do you feel like sometimes

23:32

people overthink or overprocess

23:36

loss in

23:39

the sense that like

23:43

in that moment, like when that person leaves,

23:45

do you think that they tend

23:47

to create how

23:51

do I say this, like create more of a

23:53

narrative around the loss instead

23:55

of just realizing like the person

23:58

died because it was their time to die.

24:00

Yes, I do think.

24:01

People want to assign all types of different

24:03

meaning to it when it happens. Death

24:06

is you know, people die and a lot

24:08

of fucked up ways.

24:09

Slately, it's okay, I curse girl

24:13

checked earlier. Oh, just checking.

24:14

Okay, great, Auntie's

24:17

cussed.

24:18

M Mommies don't curse.

24:20

But Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, nephew,

24:23

I'm just cursing, cursing curson.

24:24

Okay. Yeah.

24:25

So I was saying that people

24:27

are dying in all types of fucked up ways, and

24:30

and it's important that we

24:32

try not to assign too much meaning to

24:34

the wave of the death. Occurs, unless, of course

24:37

it's happening in ways that are

24:39

flying in the face of justice and like,

24:42

you know, honoring the human But the

24:44

stories that people make up around it sometimes

24:46

can be really detrimental because they make

24:48

so much meaning around it that ends up creating

24:50

a lot of suffering for them.

24:52

Oh yeah, I'm going to make sure

24:54

that my aunt listens to this episode.

24:58

There was something that happened when and my

25:00

grandmother passed away, and

25:03

and not that you don't want,

25:06

you know, justice to be served if something was

25:08

wrong, or you know, if you feel

25:10

like something was undone. I just

25:12

remember having a conversation with my aunt saying

25:14

that like God was ready, it

25:17

was her time, last time it is,

25:20

yeah, and so you going

25:23

through and you know, if you want to write

25:25

a letter and if you want to sue somebody

25:27

and do all of these things, this is recreating

25:30

the trauma for you over and over and over

25:33

of your mother's passing when

25:35

realistically, like she was tired.

25:38

And God said, you know what, she tired.

25:40

Let me go ahead and take my baby out of here because

25:42

this is too much for her. And

25:45

it could have been me being selfish. I remember

25:48

my aunt called me and was like what do you think about,

25:51

you know, like pressing the issue

25:54

about you know, this happening. And I

25:56

was like, I think that if it's something that you want

25:58

to do, you know, I support you in doing it, but

26:00

I don't want any parts of it because I think I

26:03

knew that this is just going to

26:05

retrigger us over and over and over and over and

26:07

over. And we already have so much

26:09

to deal with and it's so much

26:11

pain, and it's so heavy, and we're trying

26:13

to navigate this new normal,

26:16

if you will, this is just going to re

26:18

traumatize us over and over and over and over.

26:21

And I don't think that she ended up going

26:24

through with it, And I don't know if

26:26

she notices realizes this, but I think

26:28

that her spirit is

26:30

much more better off without doing it,

26:33

because it is just retraumatizing yourself

26:35

over and over. Can be for sure,

26:37

there is an element called reprocessing

26:40

where in grief people do just run

26:42

over the thing over and over and over again in their heads.

26:45

And I think for some people it can be supportive

26:47

as they like try to hang onto the little bits

26:50

of how Sabiity died. I think sometimes

26:52

people also hang on to those things

26:54

that they thought were less than what the person deserved,

26:57

because it allows them a way to still stay connected

26:59

in some capacity. You know, It's

27:01

like, if I'm not angry anymore, did I care or

27:03

does it matter?

27:04

It still matters. You can let it go, and

27:06

also you can stay angrief. This is what you need

27:08

in order to still feel like out

27:11

with them, and I'm down for them, and you.

27:12

Know, yeah, but

27:15

you don't think that it is. And

27:18

I guess I'm feeling where you're I

27:22

don't want to like judge and not

27:24

to be judgmental, but wouldn't

27:27

it be best for our own

27:30

like spirits to find other ways

27:32

to honor them in that

27:34

way?

27:36

I think that other people come to grief a lot of different

27:38

ways, and I've seen so much of it,

27:41

you know. I've seen the people that are just out

27:43

for blood after somebody dies, even

27:45

though what I heard sounds like a very

27:47

normal process to me. They're not at hospices

27:50

and people for morphine and they

27:52

think that the morphine kill them, and they're just trying

27:54

to get people.

27:56

And it all looks to me like an expression of grief.

27:58

Yeah, and all great to me, is valid, even

28:01

the expressions I don't ratter understand because there's

28:03

a lot of them that I don't understand.

28:05

But I'm like, you're grieving, ouch.

28:07

Can you direct it toward the thing that actually hurts

28:09

and not at me, not at this person or you

28:11

know, I would imagine you that you deal with that a

28:14

lot like Okay, so

28:16

can you tell us about like one time

28:18

where that happened where the person that

28:21

after your client had because

28:23

who is the client? The client is the person who

28:25

is actually leaving, not the family

28:28

member who.

28:29

Right, It depends, Okay, it

28:31

depends. Sometimes the client is a family member.

28:34

Sometimes a family member has calls for support

28:36

with their person who's dying.

28:37

Okay, yeah, and there's yeah,

28:40

go ahead. I'm sorry.

28:41

Well, I was going to say that there's cerly been times

28:43

when people have been in their grief

28:45

angry at me or throwing

28:48

some energy my way one way or another. There

28:50

was also a son who kept

28:52

asking me out insistently, and don't

28:54

get me wrong, I know I am fly And

28:57

at the same time, I was like, you were trying to find a way.

28:59

To just stay close to this person who

29:01

died through thinking that this is going to be the thing.

29:03

This ain't it, Like it's not for you anyway, But

29:05

this ain't it, But there's been anger.

29:08

There was one son

29:10

of a client who also reacted

29:12

in a lot of anger toward me, thinking that I maybe

29:15

hastened his mother's death. But she

29:18

was getting paid medication and they

29:21

gave her morphine nearing the end of her life, and

29:23

he sedated her, which allowed her to die.

29:25

But he thought that the sedation is what eventually

29:27

killed her and that the morphine killed her. And

29:30

I was I was giving you know, some information

29:33

for them to consider, and they considered

29:35

to give her more, and he thought it was my fault.

29:38

Yeah, okay, this is grief. He's grieving,

29:41

and how do you deal with that?

29:42

You touch the door jam and you go home

29:45

and take your band and eat your chips.

29:47

Yeah, and eat my chips and maybe have a little

29:49

tequila.

29:50

Okay, heyn is wrong. Repisado

29:53

or nail reposado.

29:55

Every day

29:58

straight up to not even a lemon or a line.

30:00

Just what's your favorite tequila?

30:03

Okay, there's

30:06

so. I had a friend

30:08

of mine on the show. She had actually been to

30:10

prison. She was a teacher and actually

30:13

a special administrator, and she had been

30:15

to prison until we talked about that, and

30:17

she I had one at her

30:20

house, and I want to say it

30:22

was. I was just telling somebody about

30:24

it the other day and I can't think about it.

30:26

But two,

30:30

I don't know what the hell it's called.

30:31

But if I think it, absolutely

30:33

and if necessary, I'll email it to you. Because

30:36

it was so smooth. Like

30:38

it was so smooth. I

30:40

don't see how people drink things like casamigos

30:43

Like that is not even right.

30:46

It's wrong to drink. It's bad for

30:48

you. I'd rather drink Patron than to drink

30:50

cass. I

30:53

have a question, as a black woman in

30:55

this field, are there any like

30:58

unique perspective, active,

31:01

or just insights that you may bring

31:03

to end of life care and support

31:06

As a black woman as a system, what do

31:08

you bring to this whole process that maybe

31:11

another person could not bring.

31:13

Well for servers, I think because of the intersections

31:16

of my identity, it's much easier for me

31:18

to honor the intersections of other people's identities.

31:20

Absolutely.

31:21

I've heard way too many people say things like

31:23

race doesn't matter and how we die, and I think that is

31:25

utter and complete bullshit, because

31:27

when I'm supporting somebody at the end of life,

31:29

I'm honoring the totality of their lived experience

31:32

for all. It was not just the experiences

31:34

I'm down with or understand or can identify

31:36

with who they actually were.

31:38

That means how they showed up in life. That

31:40

means that I have to look at their.

31:42

Whole thing, their entire thing, including

31:44

their race, including their gender, gender

31:46

expression, sexual identity, like all

31:49

those things go into ability, disability,

31:51

all everything, everything is going

31:53

into it.

31:54

And it's much easier, I think, for me to.

31:56

Be aware of other people's because

31:58

I sit in this position and as opposed

32:00

to all the white people who over the years have told me that

32:03

it doesn't matter, or they try

32:05

to lump everybody

32:07

in together or provide

32:09

like the same care for everybody. One

32:12

minor example and my DULA training program,

32:15

I had learned about dry shampoo.

32:17

They said that you see a dry shampoo to

32:19

wash the hair of the deceased.

32:21

It was the very first.

32:22

Time I'd heard about dry shampoo in my life.

32:24

I was shocked, in aunt, what is this? And

32:26

they explained it to me, and I thought, y'all

32:29

better not put any dry shampoo in my locks

32:31

and my hair. It will go in there and it will never come

32:33

out.

32:33

And it'll never come out, and then you'll be dead

32:35

in your afterlife whatever you believe.

32:37

With powder in your hair.

32:39

Looking like it, ash, she had a mess. Yes, that's

32:41

not what I'm trying to do.

32:42

Because what if.

32:43

There's no place for you to dye your locks when

32:45

you get there?

32:45

Thank you? Then what as she had

32:47

a mess?

32:48

Now? And so I thought, well,

32:50

this is clearly a situation where we

32:52

have not considered everybody's hair.

32:54

We haven't considered everybody.

32:57

They say, this is how you do it, and I was

32:59

like, I can't be it for everybody?

33:01

What else is available?

33:02

So that's a minor thing, but it shows up in so many

33:04

other different ways, you know, cultures

33:07

and customs and rituals, and you

33:09

know, just even calling my elderly clients

33:12

miss or miss or don't start with their first

33:14

name. You know, like it's a tiny

33:16

things that show respect, but are also markers of

33:18

culture that I am privy

33:20

to that a lot of other people don't even know it's

33:22

an issue or something.

33:23

To consider, right.

33:36

I get that that makes sense, And I

33:38

could see people

33:41

trying to box it all in

33:43

and say it doesn't really matter, and

33:46

yeah, no matter how that works, it

33:48

yeah absolutely matters. And I

33:51

know as a black woman, of course, I'm biased,

33:53

but black women are superheroes,

33:56

not superheroes that are here to save everybody.

33:58

That's not our job. No, I'll

34:00

say we are.

34:03

We're like at the X Men. You

34:06

know we have we have a lot of powers, great

34:09

powers, not necessarily

34:11

the Magneto X Men, but the you

34:14

know, we have a lot of great

34:17

powers. And also to be able

34:19

to just see people for who they are because

34:21

of how we are treated,

34:23

how we are seen. And so I

34:25

get that. Are there any cultural or oh

34:28

in that tequila is called el tasorro al

34:31

tisoro? Yeah, write

34:33

some as delicious And she

34:36

is so funny. She uh lived

34:39

in Mexico City or in Mexico

34:41

and she like went to all

34:43

these tequila tastings when she was in her early

34:45

twenties. And so I'm gonna go ahead

34:48

and say that she probably knows what she's talking about

34:50

because she's knee deep in the tequila

34:52

game.

34:53

It's so delicious, Like it's really good.

34:55

Write it down, it's good. Can

34:58

you discuss or can you think of any cultural

35:00

or spiritual rituals

35:02

or beliefs that you have that

35:05

you have found meaningful

35:08

or helpful when you are supporting

35:10

people through this process that

35:14

you Alua bring to the table.

35:17

I think one thing that I bring, which

35:19

is perhaps the most supportive, is

35:21

the absence of it, at least externally,

35:25

because when I am as

35:27

blank of a slate as possible,

35:30

and I don't mean that doesn't mean that I come with my

35:32

trauma and my pain and my history and my

35:34

blackness and everything else. Rather it

35:36

means that I can allow people to

35:38

have their experience and share with me what

35:40

they believe to help them weed through

35:42

it.

35:42

That's what's most supportive. Okay.

35:45

You know.

35:45

Also, I think just naming it what

35:48

I see it as and not using euphemisms

35:50

or not cauching it any terms that highlight

35:54

what my belief system is. Like

35:56

I don't say transition or past away

35:58

and I say dead or die on

36:00

purpose.

36:00

Listen, just straight straight from the hip.

36:03

Just keep it what it is, keep it one hundred

36:05

all the time. Because it also just

36:07

keeps things neutral enough so that people can put

36:10

what they believe into the pot and I can help them start

36:12

and keep something out of themselves.

36:14

I did that.

36:15

I love that. I've never thought about that, and

36:17

of course, you know, me, being the reflective

36:20

person I am, I'm thinking about, like what do I

36:22

say. I definitely said a

36:24

transition a lot during this conversation,

36:26

I've said leaving a lot, and

36:29

that is probably based in my own drama and

36:31

my own grief process and the

36:34

where I am now in the grieving process.

36:38

That is interesting. That is I

36:40

probably could never do that. I

36:43

don't think that I could do.

36:44

Your work is one. I'd be in there crying like

36:46

a fuck. That's okay, I do

36:48

to people. I do too.

36:50

And can I tell you a story, a quick one,

36:53

as I think we.

36:54

Ran out of time.

36:55

A while back, I was with a

36:57

client and her sister and

37:00

they were not elderly, they were

37:02

close enough in age. They were black, and

37:05

I felt very identified with them. And you know,

37:07

you always hear that that's not what you're supposed to do.

37:09

And I certainly changed the students that I work with that

37:11

perhaps people that you feel closely biographically

37:14

associated to you probably shouldn't be working with because

37:17

he had to separate the space between

37:19

the two of you.

37:19

Absolutely, client was dying,

37:21

her sister was there. I'm boohooing because

37:24

the sister is crying because I'm thinking about

37:26

my own sister dying. All right, I'd

37:28

excused myself for a while, came back. I still

37:30

couldn't get it together, so we wrapped up the visit and I

37:32

went home.

37:33

Then I felt awful, like look at me.

37:35

I meant to create and hold

37:37

this container and I collapsed directly

37:39

into it. Oh awful, like

37:41

maybe I'm not cut out for this. I don't know if I

37:43

can do this anymore like this. A few

37:46

days later, sister calls to tell me how

37:48

grateful she was that I showed some emotion

37:50

and some humanness because doctors

37:52

and other people had been coming into the home, they'd

37:54

been coming into the hospital, and they would come,

37:57

they do their.

37:57

Job, and they'd leave.

37:58

And she said that it was a first time that she felt

38:01

that her sister's death matter to somebody.

38:05

I get that, if that makes sense, Not

38:07

that really, because I would be falling out crying,

38:10

not you know. Do you want me

38:12

to go get something for you? Like, oh

38:14

my gosh, what am I gonna do? Do you want me to go get y'all

38:16

some rolls or something? Because do you want

38:18

me to find somebody to make some meatballs? Because

38:21

like black people got to have meatballs. I have

38:23

to think you need some rice something. I

38:26

think the last question or the last

38:28

few questions I have is I

38:32

want to know if there are any experiences

38:35

or lessons that you have learned in

38:37

this process that have helped you, like

38:40

on your own journey to self

38:43

love or your own not necessarily self love,

38:45

but your own like mental health

38:47

journey.

38:48

Like what has.

38:50

Doing this work done for you and

38:54

your own mental health?

38:55

It was, like we were talking about earlier, just giving

38:58

myself the grace to how to

38:59

like to be who I am,

39:01

you know, and to have the difficult experiences

39:04

I've tried to tidy myself for so long,

39:07

and to not be.

39:08

Frustrated and lawyer outfits when

39:11

you want to dress like Betsy Betsy

39:14

Johnson exactly got to dressed like Boston

39:17

Legal exactly.

39:18

That's not for me. That's not for me.

39:20

I can get anxious, That's okay, it's

39:22

a new thing that I'm discovering about myself.

39:25

But I'm allowing myself the grace to like be human,

39:27

to like have a full range of emotions

39:30

and have just like a full experience

39:33

here.

39:33

I think there any freedom in that. There's so much

39:35

freedom in it.

39:36

There's so much full freedom in that. Absolutely,

39:40

And what the grace giving

39:43

yourself the grace to

39:46

be human, to be human, And

39:48

what did you say?

39:49

You said for a long time, you for a long time,

39:51

I'm tidied or I tried to keep in little boxers

39:53

and wouldn't allow people to see all parts of me. And

39:56

now I'm like, well, it helps

39:58

that I'm in this really beautiful relationship that holds

40:00

a lot of space for me to be the full gamut of who

40:02

I am. But it also allows me to be the fullest

40:05

of who I am all the time. And that

40:07

that is a that's a there's a lot of freedom, and

40:09

that too in a relationship.

40:11

You in a relationship like, yeah, I gotta

40:13

because you love the love I do, and

40:18

I love that.

40:20

I swear to God, I feel like I know you.

40:23

I do, I do, I did. The

40:26

last thing I want to ask is what advice

40:28

would you give to any of my friends

40:30

and kid that are trying to understand

40:33

or have a deeper understanding

40:36

of self and acceptance, one

40:39

in the loss of grief and in their

40:41

own I'm sorry, one in the face of

40:43

grief, grief and loss, but also

40:46

in understanding their own mortality.

40:49

Oh, they're kind of they're the same, which

40:52

is the concept. And you'll hear me say this one

40:54

hundred times, but Grace. You know, there's

40:56

a reason I call the business going with grace. Grace,

40:59

Grace. This thing is hard, and we're all doing

41:01

the best that we can most of the time. And

41:04

sitting on the precipice and knowing that you're about

41:06

to lose somebody that you care a lot about is difficult.

41:09

And you might experience yourself in a lot of ways

41:11

that you're not comfortable with or haven't met yet. You

41:13

might meet a new version of yourself and that's okay too.

41:16

Grief does have the capacity to crack

41:18

us open and where a new

41:21

sense of self can emerge. And so to

41:23

stay patient with you and your process.

41:25

And grief is a lifelong experience.

41:28

It's a lifelong experience. It never

41:30

goes away, It doesn't go anywhere. Just learn

41:32

how to integrate it differently. You learn how to move

41:35

with it. But it doesn't go anywhere.

41:36

It just evolves.

41:37

It feels like yeah, afferent things,

41:40

yeah, yeah, into different things. I'm

41:42

trying to think of it like a

41:45

butterfly that lives forever that maybe

41:47

changes like it may be a monarch

41:49

at first, and then it turns into the little

41:52

white ones and then it turns into the pretty

41:54

blue ones, and it just evolves over time

41:57

because it doesn't go away. And I think

41:59

that initially I thought that oh by now I

42:01

would be okay.

42:02

No, that's not how it works. That's

42:05

not how it works.

42:05

It's been ten years since my brother in law died, ten

42:08

years and I was thinking about them recently.

42:10

And I choked up. Pete Peter.

42:12

Yeah, listen, I'm here with them

42:15

with me, and I'm either we are

42:17

friends. We went to school together. You

42:20

lived in Bethesda, maybe I lived up the street.

42:23

I am a part of the Arthur family.

42:25

I know what's going on.

42:26

Okay, we are here.

42:28

I want to say thank you so much for

42:32

being on hand me my purse

42:34

with me today. I want you to tell people how they can find

42:36

you, Doude. This is

42:38

your time to do your plug and sometimes for black

42:41

women, we have a really fucking hard

42:43

time, you know, doing that, but

42:45

like it's your turn. I want you to tell people

42:47

to find you on social media and they better

42:49

follow you and subscribe and do all the things

42:52

or I'm going to beat them up. I'm

42:54

not because I don't really like to fight. I haven't benefied

42:56

since I was twelve, but I will find somebody

42:58

up if I have to. You know what I'm saying, easy,

43:01

no problem, it wouldn't.

43:02

Be a problem.

43:02

No problem.

43:03

And I'm big too, No problem. I

43:05

am big. I'm a big girl. Yeah, I'm

43:08

a big lady. Like I'm

43:10

going down without a fight. Yeah.

43:12

No. One of my coworkers is so funny. He

43:14

has a white van and I was like, I don't

43:16

you know this van is kind of making me uncomfortable.

43:19

He said, you better be careful.

43:20

I said, if you get me in that white van, something

43:23

as big as and I pointed to

43:25

another co worker's gonna come out of my nose. I said,

43:27

Cause, fat ladies, you.

43:28

Ain't get me in there. If I get in there, it's

43:30

fight choice. I'm gonna fuck you up on the

43:33

way in the van.

43:34

You say I should have left this big bitch alone,

43:36

because I'm gonna try to kill.

43:38

You on the way to you taking me to the Dan

43:40

sure kidnapp defense. Absolutely.

43:43

How can the people find you and tell them one more time?

43:46

The name of the book. The name of the book is briefly

43:48

perfectly human.

43:50

Go to your independent bookstores and find

43:52

it, please, because those are folks that

43:54

are working real hard to make their dreams come true as

43:56

well, So please go to an independent

43:59

bookstore.

44:00

Muscle to Amazon to get it. You

44:02

can find it on audio as well if you'd

44:04

like to hear me talk it out to you.

44:07

I recommend you

44:10

do both because she is a black woman

44:12

and we want to support her.

44:14

Because I'm definitely going to buy the.

44:16

Written copy, but I definitely

44:20

recommend if you want the fullness of

44:22

the experience of the

44:25

book to listen to it.

44:28

Yeah, yeah, listen to it.

44:29

Listen to it reading taking my sentences because

44:31

I worked really hard to craft them.

44:33

You can find me also at Goingwithgrace

44:36

dot com.

44:37

It is our business website

44:39

where you'll find a number of courses and offerings

44:42

and meditations and journaling

44:44

experiences for you to work

44:46

with your mortality, to sink

44:48

into grief, to work with the experience

44:50

of grief, and if you like to learn how to support

44:52

other people through death and dying and grief and

44:55

loss as well.

44:56

Awesome.

44:57

Can they find you on social media or you're not really social

44:59

media.

45:00

Definitely going with Grace with underscores

45:02

between the words, because otherwise you'll end up at some yellow

45:05

lab in Kentucky. If that is not not it and

45:08

then also MEA loves life.

45:11

Okay, yeah, I love that.

45:13

It's true. I love that well.

45:16

I enjoyed this.

45:17

And I told you I feel like I know you and

45:20

that you know I knew Peter,

45:23

and I know your niece and you and your niece have the same

45:25

birthday.

45:26

If I'm telling you, I feel like it.

45:28

Your parents about all

45:30

of the things, everything, all of the things.

45:32

I appreciate you taking your time on your

45:35

West Coast time out with

45:38

this East Coast girl with a West Coast spirit.

45:40

And I wish you all of the best.

45:43

And I'm definitely gonna go to going

45:45

with Grace dot com and see

45:47

what kind of resources you have. And I'm going to share

45:49

it with every fucking

45:51

person in my family because we are all

45:53

dealing with a lot of grief. We have

45:56

had a lot of grief over the past I would say decade.

45:58

And I'm going to suggest to them we have a

46:00

family wellness call. I'm going to suggest to them that

46:03

they all go on and see if there's something there

46:05

that touches

46:08

them or that they feel like that they can connect

46:10

you. So thank you so much, a Lua, thank you, I appreciate

46:13

you. The tequila is called El Tasorro

46:15

I wrote it down. Absolutely, have

46:17

some have a shot. Have a shot

46:19

from my grandma.

46:20

What's her name, Shirley, Charley,

46:23

Miss Shirley. I absolutely will, absolutely.

46:25

And thank you so much again, and congratulations

46:28

on your new relationship.

46:30

Thank you.

46:30

And if you get married, invite me because I will. I'll

46:32

show up.

46:33

I trust you and obvious there

46:35

too.

46:35

Absolutely, thank you so much. All right, okay,

47:00

all right, so friends, and can today's

47:04

question? I like

47:06

this because this person was

47:08

real simple. A lot

47:10

of the few of the questions that I've been having coming

47:12

in haven't been as long

47:15

and drawn out and dramatic. They've been simple questions

47:17

actually, which I like. And

47:19

so but I do love the drama. Don't get it fucked

47:22

up. I love the drama. So anyway, this question says,

47:24

mem when it comes to romantic relationships

47:27

and love, do you believe it is true

47:29

that you can actually love two

47:31

people at the same time? And

47:34

that is from Kenesha from

47:36

Cleveland, Ohio who

47:40

This is tricky because most

47:44

people are gonna say no, But

47:48

personally, I think that that is complete

47:50

and utter. I

47:54

feel like love is love

47:59

in its purest form, when

48:01

it's real, when it's true love

48:05

cannot be bound that

48:08

way. And as

48:11

I've gotten older and

48:15

spent a lot of time, you

48:18

know, paying attention to relationships

48:21

and patterns and societal

48:24

norms, and you know, just

48:26

maturing and talking

48:28

to God about what love is and getting

48:30

the understanding of what love is and experiencing

48:33

love in all different forms.

48:37

Love cannot have

48:40

limits and walls and ceilings. Love

48:42

is free. Love is without

48:45

form. It's amorphous, and that

48:47

is what the beauty of love is. True love. It's

48:51

without restriction. And we are constantly

48:53

trying to put or place

48:56

restrictions on love and

48:58

to give love a form, but we can't because

49:02

it's love is free.

49:04

Love is Love is like wind.

49:08

Love is like the ocean is deep and shallow.

49:10

It's dark, and it's clear, as black,

49:12

as blue as greens. Brown

49:16

is green, you know. In other words, like you

49:19

can't put a restriction on it. Water

49:21

is water. Even if

49:23

it freezes, it's still water. Heat or

49:26

the sun is gonna melt it and it's just gonna be

49:28

water again. So I just think

49:30

that if

49:32

your love is true and

49:36

it's pure, that's

49:38

the thing. If it's pure love

49:43

that doesn't have what's

49:47

the word I'm looking for? If

49:49

it's love without an agenda, love

49:53

without an ulterior motive, then

49:55

it's free. It doesn't

49:57

take form. And they're over

50:00

strictions that you can put on it. You can't

50:02

restrict or contain the air

50:05

or the wind. So and

50:08

if you can and there's some kind of wind

50:10

restrictor or wind container that

50:13

some tech person made, like

50:16

okay, whatever, you know what

50:18

I mean. But I definitely

50:20

believe that you can love two people at once. As

50:22

they say, two things can be true

50:25

at the same time. So

50:29

and I know because I've loved two people at the

50:31

same time.

50:32

I have.

50:35

But the difference is that love

50:39

is also actionable, so

50:42

you know, ultimately love

50:44

is is it's

50:48

not just a feeling. There

50:51

are actions that go along with the

50:53

feelings. There are the experiences

50:55

that you create as a result of your feelings.

50:58

So I just think that you you you

51:02

can love two people because love

51:04

is not a corset. You know, you

51:07

can put a corset around love. It's not a muffin

51:10

top. So I definitely

51:12

believe that Kanisha, you can love

51:15

two people at the same time, you can love three people at

51:18

the same time. You

51:20

know, why not, Like, how do

51:22

you stop it? How do you stop love. How

51:26

do you stop loving somebody, like

51:30

unless you are intentionally removing

51:32

yourself from them, And even

51:34

if you do remove them from your life, and like,

51:37

if you really love them, do you ever stop

51:41

loving them? Because I'd be really honest. My

51:44

high school boyfriend, may

51:46

he rest in peace. I

51:48

still love him, and he's not

51:51

even alive anymore. I

51:53

still love him.

51:56

I do.

51:58

If I've ever loved you, I still love you because

52:02

I really really loved you. Now, if

52:05

I didn't love you and I just liked you, or

52:07

I lusted for you, or you

52:11

know, if it wasn't

52:13

pure, raw

52:18

true love, then I don't

52:20

care like whatever. But if I love

52:22

you, I love you forever, and that goes from

52:24

my friends, my family.

52:26

I ain't got to talk to you no more for

52:29

me to still love you. There

52:31

are several people that

52:33

I don't engage with anymore, and

52:37

they are friends and or family, and

52:39

I still love them and I will love them until

52:41

the day that life is no more. But

52:47

I ain't got to have them around me. I

52:51

still love them though, So Yes, Kenisia

52:54

from Cleveland, Ohio, I do believe that you

52:57

can love two people at once.

52:58

Now, what you do with that love is a different story.

53:02

That's where it gets.

53:03

Tricky, because if you're

53:05

married and you love

53:07

your wife or your husband and you

53:11

are in love with somebody else, you

53:14

know, that's where you got to figure that out.

53:16

What does that look like for you? What

53:20

does that look like for your relationships both

53:23

of them? And if

53:25

you're married, you got a wife or husband and you got

53:27

somebody else, and then you start loving somebody

53:29

else, that gets tricky, and that's

53:31

where the intentional action comes

53:34

in. But

53:37

love is not bound. Love can't be bound,

53:39

so you can't stop it. That's

53:43

just what I think.

53:44

But what do I know?

53:51

Friends? Again, for today's we Got to Do Better segment,

53:53

I'm just gonna keep it on trend and I'm gonna

53:55

keep it on trend for the rest of season

53:58

four, which is where we are. And

54:01

I'm going to pull from my

54:04

new favorite book, Black Liturgies

54:07

by Cole Arthur Riley,

54:10

who is a black woman in her thirties and

54:12

she is an

54:14

amazing human being. But this

54:18

excerpteer is

54:21

the benediction prayer from

54:23

the chapter on Joy, and

54:26

it says, be at peace,

54:30

May you access the fullness

54:32

of a joy that allows for both an

54:35

interior solemnity

54:38

and levity. May

54:40

you learn to be at rest with yourself,

54:43

able to access a piece that carries

54:46

memory but isn't chained.

54:48

To the past.

54:50

And may you laugh, allowing

54:53

the mystery of joy to steady you always

54:56

and keep you from despair. Amen,

55:00

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I

55:03

read that to you one more time, one

55:05

time for the one time, because this

55:08

is all in my chest. Okay,

55:10

excuse me trying to get something

55:12

in my eye. And again

55:15

this is a benediction prayer from the chapter

55:17

on Joy be

55:20

at Peace. May you access

55:23

the fullness of a joy that allows for both an

55:25

interior solemnity and a

55:28

levity. May you learn to be at

55:30

rest with yourself, able

55:32

to access a piece that carries memory

55:34

but isn't chained to the past.

55:37

And may you laugh, allowing

55:40

the mystery of joy to steady you always

55:43

and keep you from despair.

55:46

A men ah

55:50

shay.

55:51

And so it is so.

56:01

Present in the first thing I want to do is say thank you

56:03

to God first, because God is supreme

56:05

and I recognize and appreciate the grace that God

56:08

extends to me every single day

56:10

of my black ass life. I

56:13

want to say thank you to my people, to my folks,

56:15

to each and every one of you that's been rocking with

56:18

me since the first day, the first

56:20

sound, the first trailer, March

56:23

the first of twenty twenty, first

56:25

first verse, verse, the first, the first, the first, one

56:27

one one one, one one one. Thank

56:30

you, thank you, and thank you again. I appreciate

56:33

you for being here. And even if you weren't

56:35

here on March the first of twenty twenty and you just

56:37

started listening today, whatever

56:40

today is, I am grateful

56:42

for you and I appreciate you either

56:45

way you cut it up. I'm thankful

56:47

for my family, my friends, my friends, and ken all

56:49

of my supporters however you support

56:52

me, and of course, most importantly,

56:54

every single one of you guys that are out there listening.

56:57

I love y'all so much and it is

56:59

nothing short of an honor or privilege and

57:01

a blessing.

57:03

And you know what else, it is a lesson

57:06

for me.

57:06

To share my time and my energy with you, especially

57:08

if you keep coming back to share

57:11

your time and your energy with me. And

57:13

I look forward to the next time that we get to do this

57:15

with one another, which will be next

57:18

Tuesday. Now

57:20

before you exit out of whatever streaming service, you're

57:22

using to listen to this, stop what you're doing, and

57:25

if you haven't already done so, look for the subscribe

57:27

or follow button. Click on it if it's an

57:29

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57:32

then I want you to go on over to Instagram and

57:34

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57:36

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57:39

Podcast. Also follow me on Twitter

57:42

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57:44

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57:46

My Purse Podcast. If

57:49

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57:51

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57:53

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57:56

and can be sure to share hand Me My Person your friends,

57:58

your loved ones, and even your enemies,

58:01

because the best way for people to find out about the

58:03

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58:05

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58:07

do what tele a friend. Submit

58:09

your questions for the straight fact segment by clicking

58:12

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58:14

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58:17

click the link in the Instagram profile and look

58:19

for the button that directs you to submit a question.

58:22

And who knows your question may be featured on an

58:25

upcoming show. Also, I want you to

58:27

remember that show notes are always available on the episode

58:29

description. Wherever you're listening to the show,

58:32

be sure to take a look at the show notes because that's where

58:34

I put all of the links that I mentioned and

58:37

any other information that I want

58:39

to share with you guys. Just

58:41

so you know, the music for Handing My Purse

58:44

is provided by none other than West

58:46

Baltimore's own gloomy Tunes

58:51

Last One not Least. I want to give a big old shout

58:54

out to my producers.

58:56

Together we make up Brando Banjo in the

58:58

dirty throats that look to

59:00

you looking forward to listening to hand

59:02

Me My Purse the podcasts each and every

59:05

Tuesday, and I'm out this bitch

59:07

peace. Hand

59:18

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59:21

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