0:00

Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart

0:02

Podcasts, so

0:04

Friends and Ken to kick off the

0:06

month of February, which is

0:08

a month where we celebrate Black

0:10

History Month, of course, and we

0:12

celebrate love. Why

0:15

not, I thought, why

0:17

not go back in time or

0:19

go back into the catalog and

0:22

share one of my favorite episodes

0:26

with you guys about

0:28

black love and dating in

0:31

our community. And this

0:34

episode is with a very good friend of

0:36

mine. Her name is Bianca, and

0:39

I hope that you enjoy it.

0:41

This is old school, so if you.

0:43

Have not gone back

0:45

into the catalog, and you have not gone

0:48

back into season one, the

0:50

first year of hand Me My Purse,

0:52

this will give you some insight into

0:56

where I've come from. It's a wonderful

0:59

conversation. I hope you guys like it.

1:01

I really love some feedback and

1:05

just to find out what you guys think

1:07

about it. Enjoy it and

1:10

happy Black History Month, y'all.

1:30

Me I

1:32

can't see the thing that Okay,

1:35

what's up?

1:36

Y'all?

1:36

Welcome to hand Me My Purse the podcast.

1:39

I am Mimi Walker, and I will be your

1:41

forever host each and every

1:43

single time you tune into this podcast,

1:46

So go ahead and get comfortable, get

1:49

yourself a glass of your favorite beverage,

1:51

whether that's alkaline water, red

1:54

kool aid, a hot cup of tea

1:56

with honey, a glass of Cabernet

1:59

Salvignon or Hannessy, light

2:01

yourself a candle, some incense

2:04

or burn some stage and just get ready

2:06

to chill.

2:06

Out and have a good time.

2:18

What's up, friends and ken. It is Memi

2:21

resident Auntie Supreme here at Handy my

2:23

Purse, the podcast, and today

2:26

I am sipping on a quick

2:28

little sangreeas situation that I put together

2:30

because you know, I need to relax a lot

2:32

happening. There are a lot

2:34

of moving pieces happening in

2:37

the world today and

2:39

yesterday and last week and this week

2:42

and probably next week, and SIS

2:45

needed to relax, and not relax

2:47

like hardcore relax. I

2:50

just needed to calm my spirit. So what

2:52

I did was my

2:54

good friends that can collective. They

2:56

have a mixed berry

2:58

punch mixer and it is entitled

3:01

Boon vivont. How do I know how to

3:03

say that like that? Because you may not

3:05

know this, but your girl has been studying French

3:08

since March. Because I wanted to come

3:10

out of this COVID with some new skills, some

3:12

skills that I could use.

3:14

I love Paris.

3:15

I have not talked about traveling on this on

3:18

my podcast, but I love to travel.

3:20

Paris is my city.

3:22

I love Paris, and I

3:25

wanted to learn how to speak French

3:27

so that the next time I go there, I'm not using

3:29

Google Translate the entire

3:31

time that I'm there. So that's how I know that it is

3:33

pronounced boem Vivont, but

3:36

it is spelled b n v I v

3:38

a n t s. So

3:41

I use their bone Vivont mixed

3:43

berry punch. I use the nineteen

3:45

Crime Snoop Dogg wine and

3:48

nineteen Crimes is this wine where it's

3:51

an interactive wine. You download

3:53

the app and you put the

3:55

phone your phone. Once you you open

3:57

the app and you put the phone up to the front of the wine

4:00

bottle, and the wine bottle talks. First

4:02

time I saw it, second time and third

4:04

time I saw it, it freaked me the hell

4:06

out.

4:06

So I don't really fool with it. I didn't download the app

4:09

or anything.

4:09

But because you know, in

4:11

my spirit, I'm a West Coast girl, I had to

4:13

get this.

4:14

Snoop Dogg wine. I had to. I had to do

4:16

it for the West.

4:16

Okay, So I got that mix

4:19

those together, added some bubbly grapefruit

4:21

seltzer, which is one of my favorite. And know

4:23

they are not paying me, None of these people are paying me. But

4:26

these are things that I'm using. I want you to know what

4:28

I'm using, just in case you want to try it. So

4:30

mix all of those together in like a half

4:33

gallon pitcher.

4:35

Was it a half gallon?

4:36

I'm pretty sure it were sixty four ounces. I poured

4:38

the whole bottle of the bon Vivance Punch,

4:41

the whole bottle of the Nineteen Crimes wine.

4:43

And here's the thing about the Snoop Dogg Nineteen

4:45

Crimes wine. It's I don'tmember

4:48

it being as dry as a

4:51

Merleau, but it

4:53

was kind of like a pino noir.

4:54

I could be wrong. I didn't look it up.

4:56

If you want to look it up, feel free, but just know

4:58

it was a dry wine, not like

5:00

a sweet wine or anything. So it

5:03

was kind of good because the mixberry poncho

5:05

is sweet, the wine is

5:07

dry, and then the grapefruit bubby kind

5:09

of gave it some citrus notes versus giving

5:11

it a lot of like more berry

5:13

notes and making it more sweet. Because I don't

5:15

really like sweet wine. So I

5:17

added the grapefruit bubbling, and

5:20

then I cut up some apples, oranges

5:23

and some lemons and put that

5:25

in there, and sis had a situation. And

5:27

when I tell you, it was good, it was

5:30

delicious. Okay, So

5:32

what I'm gonna do. The thing

5:35

about the grapefruit selter and why I use grapefruit

5:38

and cut up lemons and oranges was because

5:40

I didn't want to make it too sweet,

5:42

so the grapefruit seals are kind of made it pop. Anyway,

5:46

it was good, it was a situation. I want you to try

5:48

it out if you can. Cane's

5:51

Collective is pretty local, and

5:53

when I say local, I mean like Maryland, like

5:55

the DMV area. I think you can get

5:57

it in Philly as well. I'm not really

6:00

sure, but I'm going to put a

6:02

link to their website and their Instagram

6:05

information in the show notes. If you

6:07

reach out to them, they're really cool. I'm

6:09

sure you know they'll let you know like where you can

6:11

find it or if you can find it in your area or

6:13

whatever. But if you can try

6:15

it, I want you. I am going

6:17

to give you a homework assignment. I want

6:19

you to make this little drink that I have. Find

6:22

yourself some cane collective,

6:24

bon Vivant berry mixer, get

6:27

yourself that Nineteen Crimes Snoop

6:29

Dogg Wine, get yourself some grapefruits

6:32

seltzer. It doesn't have to be bubbly if you don't want

6:34

it to. Or get lemon, or get lime

6:36

or lemon lime and make

6:39

this. I want to know if you try it out. I want to know

6:41

what you made. And here's the thing I didn't

6:43

tell you. It has gold

6:45

sparkles in it. One thing you don't

6:48

know about me. I love gold. Okay,

6:51

that's the Africa in me. I love gold,

6:53

and I love shiny stuff. I love

6:56

gold. It has gold sparkles. So it touched

6:58

my heart in a different kind of way.

7:00

I want you to go out. I want you to try

7:02

it. I want you to try it. I want

7:04

you to try it. Okay.

7:05

It was delicious and I only did I drink it once,

7:08

but I drank it twice. Okay, So I want

7:10

you to go ahead and try that. Tell

7:12

me what you think. And yeah,

7:15

let's go ahead and get into this jam.

7:17

Why don't we.

7:24

Both friends and ken For this episode's

7:27

jam, I decided to go with one

7:30

of those like quintessential love

7:32

songs. For me, I feel like it

7:34

is a quintessential love song because it

7:37

kind of is evoke in the

7:39

spirit of like.

7:40

Just let me know what's up.

7:42

And for myself, I

7:44

can say that this is

7:46

essentially how I am right. And

7:49

it gets in a way when it comes to dating for

7:51

me because like I know that dating,

7:53

like I suck at dating.

7:54

I'm not good at it. I feel like it

7:57

is bullshit.

7:58

I feel like it's too much

8:00

of an inauthentic dance

8:03

when you could just be upfront and direct

8:06

with people, right like I like you,

8:08

you like me, or we

8:10

had sex. It might have been too early, but guess

8:12

what, I still like you and I

8:14

kind of want to see where this goes. Or we

8:16

haven't had sex yet. I really want to have

8:18

sex with you, but if that's going to make things weird,

8:20

I don't want to do it. Or you

8:22

know, just about being direct and

8:25

that song is Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain

8:27

for me love. I

8:30

love Bob Marley. First of all, He's fine.

8:32

His kids are beautiful, them sons

8:34

gee Mo nitty, those Marley

8:37

sons are fine as frog

8:39

hair. But I wouldn't touch one of them with a ten

8:41

foot pole because they put some kind of houchikuchie

8:44

hoodoo on you because you don't be right after

8:46

you date them, it seems like.

8:47

But anyway, shout out to Lauren

8:49

Hill.

8:50

But anyway, I

8:52

love this song because, like, essentially he's

8:54

just saying, you know, I've been checking

8:56

for you for a while. Even if he's saying it

8:58

like we've been friends for a while and I've

9:01

had like a twinkle in my eye for you, and

9:04

I'll keep on checking for you. I don't have

9:06

a problem with it. But here's what I really

9:08

need to know, Like, how do you feel

9:11

about me? Because I'm not about to keep doing

9:13

this if it's all for nothing. I

9:15

don't want to wait in vain for you. From

9:17

the moment I saw you, my

9:20

heart said, you know, follow through with this. Oh

9:23

I love this song. His heart told him to follow

9:25

through. He followed through. But at the end

9:27

of the day, like I just don't want to do this for

9:29

nothing. If you don't feel the same way that I feel,

9:32

or if you don't feel something, I don't want to wait

9:34

in vain. I love this song, and let me tell you something.

9:37

I look for a cover for this song. I looked

9:39

and I looked and I looked, and none

9:42

of them really did anything for

9:44

me, like real talk. And so I've

9:47

learned that I have to keep digging and keep digging,

9:49

and I really try to keep my covers.

9:52

I try to look for covers.

9:54

Done by black people, you know,

9:56

and if I can't find one by a black person,

9:58

then I will do one, you know,

10:00

by a person of color. So I found

10:03

this cool band

10:05

from New Zealand. They were black. I

10:08

hate saying aboriginal because

10:10

they are original. I'm not gonna call them ab original

10:12

their original. But anyway, this band from New

10:14

Zealand, and I liked what they did, but it didn't

10:16

it wasn't quite hitting on it for me.

10:18

Right, kept looking.

10:20

I found this sister and I'm gonna call her sister

10:22

because she, you know, she's brown. I found

10:24

this young sister from Hawaii

10:27

and she did an acoustic

10:29

version and she was using a

10:31

beat machine and she was

10:34

singing and playing the guitar and I really liked

10:36

it. And the reason that I picked it, I

10:38

think, is because I know a lot of Hawaiian

10:41

Polynesian, you know, islanders,

10:45

and they really love Jamaican

10:49

Rastafarian culture.

10:50

So I said, you know what, I'm gonna go with this.

10:52

Her name is Joanna g or

10:54

Joanna, Joanna, Joanna,

10:58

I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that,

11:00

but anyway, her name is Joanna or Joanna

11:03

Gee. I'm going to link

11:05

the cover, of course in the show notes, but

11:07

I'm also going to link her Instagram

11:10

in the show notes, and

11:12

I want you to just get into it. Her voice is beautiful

11:15

and she does the song justice. Like I said

11:17

before, sometimes when I post these covers

11:19

in here, like I'm like, man, this

11:22

is some Mickey Mouse

11:24

fraggle nago, you know what. But sometimes

11:27

when I get it right, or when they get

11:29

it right, they get it right, or

11:31

I get it right because it's my show. But I

11:33

got it right this time. I really really love

11:36

this version. And I will say

11:39

I'm only posting a snippet, but do yourself

11:41

a favor and go listen to her entire version.

11:44

It's really, really, really.

11:45

Good and I hope you like it, and

11:47

let's get into it right now. So

12:18

Sins excuse me for interrupting your

12:20

listening experience, but Sins

12:22

has this is the longest intro to

12:24

the song ever, and if you watch

12:26

the video, you will understand why because

12:28

she is setting it up and she's using

12:30

her feet. I love people who use

12:32

their feet to do things. But she's using her feet to set

12:35

her tone and do

12:37

all her buttons and all that stuff. But good

12:40

God says like it's taking too long. People

12:42

want to hear the song, so I kind of broke it up for y'all,

12:44

but I wanted y'all to hear how it comes in with

12:46

that acoustic guitar.

12:47

So go ahead, let's get back into it. Sorry about that, right.

13:00

TV on a strange there's

13:05

no hip message

13:11

and then talk to me, yes if

13:13

you can come down.

13:18

Or not?

13:19

My friends nd I

13:24

of mona ways,

13:27

so.

13:30

Out of lon way. I

13:37

don't wanna waits

13:41

you go, I

13:44

don't.

13:45

Wanna h.

14:12

Now, let's get into the show.

14:19

Friends and Ken, we are here today

14:22

with my friend Bianca. Some people

14:25

call her be, some people call her b Jamel,

14:28

some people call her Bianca. I call her Bianca

14:31

because that is how I met her, and that is

14:34

how I address her. Or

14:36

I call her siss because she is my sister.

14:39

And we are talking

14:41

today about This is

14:43

part two in a series of three or four

14:46

game pot on the culture

14:48

of dating in the black community,

14:51

and we're going to talk a lot about love and actually

14:54

friends and ken. We have

14:56

been talking for an hour and

15:00

yours truly did not record

15:03

it on zoom because you know what, sometimes

15:06

things happen, and so we are going

15:08

to try to have this conversation again.

15:11

And you know, that was just like a

15:13

rehearsal, you know, And I'm thankful

15:16

that she is flexible and she

15:18

is understanding that I am a human being,

15:20

and you know, sometimes we make mistakes.

15:23

And we are going to get into this thing.

15:24

And I am going to say, Okay,

15:28

in the name of Jesus, as

15:30

God looks down upon us from uh

15:32

sitting on high the universe, our

15:36

ancestors, We're gonna bless

15:38

this conversation. It's gonna be amazing. Okay,

15:42

that's right. So I'm gonna have Bianca

15:44

introduce herself and then we are gonna

15:46

go ahead and get started with

15:49

this conversation. Bianca

15:52

introduced herself to my friends.

15:54

Okay, please, I

15:57

can try. So all

15:59

of sort of friends in pasting

16:02

know me as to be on them. People that know me a bit more

16:04

intimately called me b and the people that know me from

16:06

music, which is what I do know

16:08

me as b Jamel.

16:10

She has the voice of a goddess.

16:13

And I am going to link her

16:16

instagram in

16:19

the show notes and if you have time,

16:21

no make time, go and

16:24

go just go look on her Instagram and

16:26

listen to this woman sing.

16:28

She has such a beautiful voice.

16:30

Her mother was a backup

16:32

singer or a background singer, a background

16:35

vocalist for Richard

16:37

Smallwood.

16:38

Right, yes, the Richard Smaller. She was actually

16:40

a part of the original Rick Richard Smallwood

16:42

Singers. They were a group.

16:45

She wasn't no background singer. Her mama ain't

16:47

no background singer.

16:49

She m part

16:52

of the original Richard smallwot singer.

16:54

So I was a road baby.

16:56

She was a road baby.

16:57

And so that lets you know that we're gonna get a little churchy

16:59

up in here today. And when I say churchy, I

17:01

don't mean it in the judgmental way. I

17:03

mean I'm gonna be shondeauing up in here. Okay,

17:06

it's because it already

17:08

did happen.

17:09

But guess what, I wasn't recording it.

17:12

But guess what, I'm a Shondeau

17:14

again because some of.

17:14

These just like in the service, we're gonna go all

17:17

day.

17:17

You're gonna go all night. So goe, so

17:20

listen, gone, get you something

17:22

to drink.

17:23

Sit down, sat down, as

17:27

as church mother say, sat down, Go

17:30

get you something to drink. Sat down, pull

17:32

up a seat and get ready. The first thing I

17:34

want to ask Banca is I want you to tell me about.

17:37

Your favorite thing to drink.

17:40

And it could be anything.

17:41

That be water, It could be tea, It could

17:43

be coffee, It could be milk, it could be kafir,

17:46

it could be tequila.

17:47

What is your favorite thing to drink?

17:50

Well? When might just gonna talk about what I'm finished gonna

17:52

write this second which is uh, this

17:54

wonderful good, Come

17:57

on.

17:59

Cha in it?

18:00

You know, like a little sweet. I like sweet

18:02

and creamies. I see.

18:06

She likes a sweet and creamy drink and I am the exact

18:08

opposite. I do not like

18:11

creamy liquorish.

18:14

Be I do not. I don't

18:16

drink Bailey's. Now.

18:18

I did go to Canada. I went to Niagara

18:20

Falls. If you guys ever get a chance to go to Niagara

18:22

Falls. Niagara Falls has amazing

18:25

vineyards and they have amazing wineries.

18:28

And Wayne Gretzky,

18:31

who used to play with the I

18:34

don't even know what they're called.

18:36

But who did he play for? Whatever?

18:38

That's a Generation X thing. Yeah,

18:40

Wayne Gretzky. If you're a Generation EX or you

18:43

know about Wayne Gretzky. But whoever he played for, I can't

18:45

remember. But he has

18:48

a whiskey distillery and winery

18:52

in Niagara Falls, and I went there

18:55

and I did a whiskey tasting and I

18:57

tasted their like clem liqueur,

19:01

and it's kind of like Bailey's, but it made Bailey

19:03

taste like sour milkchail when I tell

19:05

you, it was delicious and.

19:07

I don't drink stuff like that, but it was so good.

19:10

So if you ever get a chance when outside open

19:13

back up and other countries allow our

19:15

peasantly American selves to visit

19:18

their countries.

19:18

And listen, listen,

19:22

that's really what it is.

19:23

Once other countries allow our raggedy

19:25

ass American selves to come visit them

19:27

again, make your way to Niagara Falls

19:30

and go on a wine tasting tour.

19:32

It's so amazing.

19:33

And make sure you go to Wayne

19:35

Gretzky's distillery. It is really,

19:38

really, really nice. But anyway, I digress.

19:40

So we know what she likes to drink.

19:43

We know about her mama.

19:45

She was beautiful. She is beautiful like her

19:47

mama. And today we are going to be talking

19:49

about love

19:52

and relationships and dating

19:55

in the black community. And as

19:57

I sit here saying this to you, I'm really internally

20:00

beating myself up for not recording that first

20:03

conversation we had.

20:05

And just trying to figure out, like, how do we move

20:07

on from this?

20:08

And that's kind of like what dating is. It's

20:10

like, you know, you have a good time,

20:13

you know, and things are beautiful and they go

20:16

really well, and then something

20:18

reminds you that you just

20:21

did not do something right, something

20:23

ain't right, and if you look up and

20:26

everything is gone to ship and then

20:28

you're wondering, how.

20:30

Do I move on from here? That is exactly

20:32

what this That is exactly what happened. Am

20:35

I lying the uncle?

20:37

It sounds pretty accurate.

20:38

I'm in I'm in here recording I

20:41

you know, I went out.

20:45

Of yourself.

20:46

I went out today and I went out

20:49

and I hung out with my cousin and I'm actually in her

20:51

room now, so we actually have a third party

20:53

in here. You might hear making black lady

20:55

noises like m I know that's

20:57

right in the background, and you

20:59

know, there's always somewhere, somebody there

21:02

to witness the deterioration

21:04

of your relationship.

21:05

And that is what happened today, you know. But

21:08

you know what this is, This is us moving forward.

21:10

Okay, So we are going to move forward. I'm not gonna

21:12

harbor any ill will

21:15

for myself. I'm not gonna beat myself up for

21:17

not doing this right. I'm just gonna move

21:19

forward and we're just gonna get into it. So the

21:21

first thing that I would like to talk

21:23

about is the

21:27

shifts in dating, Like there's

21:29

there's there's been a shift in in

21:32

dating and in relationships in

21:34

our community. Things are very very

21:36

different than they were when I was in high

21:39

school. Things are very very different than

21:41

they were when I was in college. Things are

21:43

different than they were when I was in my twenties. Okay,

21:46

and that's when I got a little I got a little wild.

21:48

In my twenties.

21:48

I got a little while in my late twenties, I

21:51

was late to the wild party. Okay, but

21:53

even then, like, things are so much

21:56

different now, what do you think that is?

21:58

What do you think that's about the

22:01

shift? Let's name the

22:03

shift?

22:03

What is the shift? See?

22:05

What do we call it? Oh?

22:07

I'm not even gonna repeat what my cousin just said

22:10

because it's not appropriate. Okay, I definitely

22:13

want to know, and

22:16

I'm gonna see if I can paraphrase that she said,

22:18

because dudes are starting to

22:21

act like chicks.

22:23

And you can use your imagination and put

22:25

one and two together and imagine

22:27

what she really said.

22:29

I'm not gonna say it, but basically she

22:31

said, dudes be acting like chicks. Now, what

22:33

I will say as a disclaimer is that para

22:35

hand me my purse. We are not here to bash men.

22:38

It is not what we do. I love black

22:40

men. I came from a black man,

22:43

and you can run with that whatever

22:45

you want.

22:49

Did you hear where I was going. I came from

22:51

a black man, and I came for a black man

22:55

actually recently, and it was amazing.

22:59

The drought is over. The draft is

23:01

over, Friends and Ken, The draft is over.

23:04

That COVID draft is over. Hallelu Okay,

23:07

okay, it's over. I'm on now.

23:11

It's over.

23:12

Because I was in

23:14

the background, come on with the over drought.

23:17

COVID draft is over.

23:18

So I would say this that was so inappropriate and

23:20

for my actual auntour listening, I'm very sorry.

23:22

I did not mean to say that. Please don't spank

23:25

me and still give me presents on Christmas.

23:27

Auntie's

23:30

listen, Wait a minute, did you hear what she said?

23:32

She said, aunties be throwing it back too. That's

23:35

right.

23:37

With the best of them, most taking that.

23:41

I wish I wish the aunties would teach

23:43

me how they threw it back, because they're the ones with the husbands

23:45

for thirty.

23:46

Years, loyal husbands.

23:48

Listen, they they driving

23:51

kids, the appointments. Tell me how

23:53

to be like you? Oh, great sensation. Listen.

23:58

I mean I've been throwing it in the circle. Should it be an me?

24:01

Should it be in a rectangle?

24:03

Your age? Yes?

24:06

Your ways? O grace sent say, but so

24:08

what do you what do you attribute let's

24:10

name this shift? What is the shift? Do you think? So

24:13

my cousin seems to think that the shift is that dudes

24:15

be acting like ladies. Okay, and

24:19

I mean there may be some.

24:22

They could never I feel like they act.

24:24

Like listen, because acting

24:26

like a woman. If men acted like

24:29

women, we will probably be in good relationships.

24:31

Right.

24:32

They acting like they're acting like the

24:36

societal stereotype

24:38

of women and the societal ideal of

24:41

women like they they do enjoy a

24:43

certain amount of like

24:47

you said in the in the Lost Recordings, the

24:50

Lost Files very much

24:52

them coming into sort of the awareness of

24:55

the scarcity, the

24:59

imbalanced and just availability

25:01

of they know.

25:04

So here's the thing.

25:04

In the Loss Recordings we talked about

25:07

how you know, brothers know now

25:09

that like they do hot shit

25:11

on the streets, like it used to be a thing where

25:14

like women were the thing, right

25:16

and where like if there were brothers,

25:19

and there were uncles and the father and the

25:21

cousins and even the mamas and the sisters,

25:23

like you need to come over here. We need to bring this dude over

25:25

here. Let's check him out. Let's see if he is

25:27

good enough for you. Men nowadays,

25:30

don't let him have no little funky job, that

25:32

little funky degree. Don't let

25:34

him wash his ears and wear

25:36

cologne. Child and have au

25:39

bill think

25:41

that they are doing something Chia. They looking

25:43

at it like, oh no, Sis, you need

25:46

this, you need me. That

25:48

is based on what society tells us about our men.

25:51

I don't necessarily subscribe to

25:53

that concept. I do not believe that all

25:55

men are dogs, especially all black men. I

25:57

don't believe that all black men are bad fathers. I

26:00

do not believe that all black men are in jail, or all

26:02

black men are gay, or all black men are cheaters, or all

26:04

black men or anything.

26:05

I believe that all black men are beautiful, but.

26:07

Some my may right.

26:12

We're all victims of the same poor

26:15

conditioning, like we're all trying

26:17

to unlearn, you know, sort

26:19

of the value systems of the larger culture,

26:22

the culture we've been sat down then forced to adhere

26:24

to. Is

26:27

that very much? I don't think it's a matter

26:29

of I agree with you, and I want to make sure that I voice

26:32

that I agree that. I have no delusions

26:34

about black men being ain't

26:37

shit, men are trash, they all lost,

26:39

that they all get. I don't have that. That

26:41

don't believe that. That's not been that my experience.

26:43

I know, wonderful black men, delightful.

26:46

I mean, hell, why would we be looking for one? You

26:48

know? You know, I

26:51

don't harbor the belief that all that black men are

26:53

worth anything. I don't at all. However,

26:56

availability is an issue. Like we talked

26:58

about skill, I think it's really just the sheer quantity.

27:02

It is a matter of not being enough

27:04

to meet the demand for you

27:06

know what I mean? Every woman to have

27:09

and eligible and

27:12

willing black man.

27:13

Like.

27:13

The ideas are changing the

27:16

idea of monogamy, long

27:19

term relationship, lifelong

27:22

commitments. It's are starting to become past

27:24

save a bit.

27:25

This whole idea of monogamy like

27:28

it has that that is that is one of the mayor

27:32

shifts and not that polyamory

27:34

and polyamorous love. And you

27:37

know it is new because it's not because

27:40

people have been doing this for ages. We're gonna track

27:42

this all the way back to where Africa.

27:45

Let's gone back. Okay,

27:47

so it has been done and it's still done

27:49

there, you know. And Islam men

27:52

can take multiple wives and it's and it is

27:54

not frowned upon. It is it is welcomed,

27:57

you know. And in non black culture

28:00

it is a thing. But now younger

28:02

black people are adapting

28:06

and deciding to live those lifestyles.

28:08

Now, as for me and my house, I

28:12

ain't gonna be able to do. I

28:15

ain't gonna be.

28:21

Let me explain something to you. That's

28:23

when I become an original head

28:25

bussa.

28:26

It's me and it's you. Now,

28:28

don't get me wrong.

28:29

Now, I you know, you never

28:31

know what you will be open to, Like down

28:34

the road, and you know, but in

28:36

this bedroom, it's gonna be me and it's

28:38

gonna be you. In this house, it's

28:41

gonna be me and you if you decide.

28:44

Yeah, in this neighborhood, okay,

28:48

but you know, you know, And it's funny, you know. I

28:51

feel like there's been a shift in the way that

28:53

I see things. I'm not married,

28:55

I'm not even in a long term relationship, but

28:57

I do view like I start I

28:59

I have started to look at like the

29:02

concept the marriage differently. Like,

29:05

you know, we are taught as women or

29:08

as humans, but I'm talking about women because

29:10

I'm a woman. We are taught as women

29:12

that you find a husband and you are with

29:14

him, and y'all are together, and you stay together

29:16

and you don't divorce, and you have kids

29:18

and it is good, and you stay together and you grow old

29:21

together and by any means necessary, it's just

29:23

the two of you.

29:24

Yeah, as I get.

29:25

Older, Like I don't really know, Like

29:27

I'm not even gonna lie, Like sometimes I wonder

29:29

like being with the same man, sleeping

29:33

with the.

29:33

Same man for forty years.

29:36

I like it too many.

29:38

Different things only

29:41

eaten fried chicken,

29:43

French fries with ketchup and

29:46

lemonade every day for forty years.

29:49

I don't want that.

29:51

I don't want to all what I'm And

29:54

this is.

29:54

A conversation that I've had with myself on a minia

29:56

day. What I'm praying is that one day,

29:58

because I've never been married, I said, I'm

30:01

praying that one day I meet a man, that I meet

30:03

him and I say, you know what, I don't even.

30:06

Want to be with nobody else but you for the rest

30:08

of my life. Now, God bless

30:10

me, because I would like to. I would like for that

30:12

to happen. I do. I want. I want that, but

30:15

I don't really know.

30:17

I can't even envision, like and I really just try

30:20

try and shape in my brain in my imagination.

30:22

I try to imagine a man that I'll

30:25

meet and feel, like, you know what, every

30:29

second the rest of my life.

30:31

And I don't want but women. Here's

30:34

another thing. I don't even want nobody

30:36

else.

30:37

Just you.

30:38

That just you is real that.

30:42

I don't know

30:44

if I'm wired that way. I don't.

30:46

I don't know. I have to be honest, I don't

30:48

know so, but but you know, like, what

30:50

does that mean for a relationship, Like

30:52

what would that look like? And if if the shift

30:54

is there with us as as young relatively

30:57

young black women like I

31:00

can only imagine what

31:02

the shift is like for black men

31:04

our age right, because men

31:07

are not men are not raised

31:10

and taught to seek

31:13

out monogamy or seek

31:16

out at all monogamous

31:18

relationships and to seek out, you

31:21

know, relationship. Men are taught

31:23

from a young age, especially

31:25

in our culture, live your

31:27

life, partner, live your life player, have

31:29

all the ladies.

31:30

I hate when I hear you know, I've

31:33

had this.

31:33

Conversation many times when you hear like women

31:35

say things like, oh,

31:38

my son is cute. All the girls in kinnygarten

31:41

like my son. My son,

31:44

or my son a pimp, all the little girls in

31:46

his class like him.

31:47

Excuse me, he's a baby.

31:50

What are you talking about? A baby?

31:52

And like for women, it's like, you

31:54

need to find a boyfriend. You can't have all

31:56

these different boyfriends. And because it looks

31:58

bad and you look like a but let me tell you

32:01

something.

32:01

I coach cheerleader.

32:02

I tell them little girls all the time, don't

32:04

have no boyfriend, or if you do have a boyfriend

32:06

at all the different schools in the in the cate

32:09

have a boyfriend in DC, if you could find one.

32:11

It's technology. Find your DC boyfriend,

32:14

I drive you down there and go on a date and

32:16

sit in the back with you if you want, you know, find

32:18

you see what you like?

32:21

Why do women have to be caught up

32:23

in in search of a

32:25

monogamous relationship?

32:27

But men get to quote unquote like King

32:29

Joffy Joe Firth told to Prince.

32:32

I can your royal oats. I

32:34

tell my cheerleaders.

32:36

I tell them you need to sew them otesys

32:38

and that, and I tell them that does not mean that you sleep

32:40

with them, because everybody should not be privy

32:43

and there.

32:45

Because everybody should not be.

32:46

Privy to your business.

32:49

But go out, date a bunch of

32:51

guys, have a good time. And whoever

32:53

says that you're a slut, you can tell them to call me

32:57

and I'll explain to them that that you are not

32:59

and why you are not. Why is a woman

33:01

a slut if she dates a lot of guys? But

33:03

like boys are pimps.

33:05

That little Patnotna got all a little

33:10

holes in his class, all little holes up

33:12

in.

33:12

School like they

33:14

are four. What are you talking about

33:17

there in the.

33:18

Second grade, sir? You

33:21

know that I don't think that we should be saying

33:23

that it's okay, no,

33:26

oh goodness, but that

33:29

and I feel that way. What do you

33:31

think do you feel the same way like when it comes to monogamy,

33:34

Like, I don't know, it's a little bit different.

33:36

That's a conversation I was having just the other

33:38

day, in fact, talking to one of my brothers

33:43

about the whole idea that the fact

33:45

that culture focuses on and

33:48

pushes forth the idea that men are by

33:50

nature non monogamous and noncommittal,

33:53

like they're wired and they're just the bio biological

33:56

makeup is to desire, seek

33:58

out, engage multiple

34:01

women. Okay, and I believe it,

34:04

believe that's true. However, there's

34:06

been no investigation into, you

34:08

know, the biological makeup of women.

34:11

It's not of their concern. It doesn't matter because

34:14

we're supposed to exactly lay on our backs,

34:16

catch these babies, lay on our

34:18

back, push out these babies, and

34:21

get up on your feet and take care of these babies

34:24

and consider that.

34:29

It's mutual. No, I don't believe humans

34:32

are wired to be monogamous. We all

34:34

have capacity to seek out, engage,

34:37

enjoy multiple partners

34:40

and every which way. Maybe maybe

34:42

for some sense of time. It is with one

34:44

person you are engaged for a duration of time,

34:46

but sometimes there's several However

34:49

you choose to move I believe we all have capacity

34:51

to move about that way. But for some reason, the

34:53

focus you know what I mean, the law

34:56

quote unquote is being shaped around the fact that

34:58

men are normal, but ours,

35:01

our non monogamous capacity

35:04

desire is never disconsidered.

35:08

Discuss for

35:10

discussion, it's not a discussion.

35:14

And part of that, like if you want to get you

35:16

know, ugly, it's so funny, like I'm

35:18

on this whole uh ancestral

35:21

and like genealogical quest like I'm

35:23

doing all this research, I'm taking all these DNA

35:26

tests, all they doing all this stuff and so wonderful

35:30

it is.

35:31

Podcast now, it's a wonderful journey.

35:33

Keep on it is, and I'm gonna do I'm gonna

35:35

do a show or two that might be a series

35:38

too, but I'm trying to just get all my ducks in a row

35:40

before i can like actually talk about it because

35:43

it is very heavy. Uh it's it's

35:45

very heavy spiritually for me. But I

35:48

but in a good way, not in a negative way.

35:51

But I digress, which is what we do here at

35:53

handy mappers. We digress. So

35:56

I was talking to my grandmother the other

35:58

day and my grandfather, may

36:00

he rest in peace, who passed away in January.

36:02

I've spoken about him before.

36:03

He was in the Air Force, and he spent some time

36:05

in Japan, okay, And so we always

36:08

joke not with my grandmother,

36:10

of course, because that would be totally disrespectful,

36:13

but we always joke about him possibly

36:15

having some little Japanese babies running

36:18

around by me having some cousins and some aunties

36:21

and some uncles over there, right. And so

36:23

for the first time ever the other day, she knows

36:25

that I'm, you know, doing like this work, and

36:28

she said to me, well, did you ever uncover

36:30

anything about your grandfather having any kids

36:32

in Japan? And I froze because

36:35

it's like h and I said,

36:37

well, no, I haven't, you know?

36:39

And if I did, you know? You

36:41

know, if I do, you know, I'll let you know. We'll talk

36:43

about it, you know.

36:44

But that was the first time that I have not

36:47

ever heard of her speak of my grandfather

36:50

not being monogamous.

36:50

But you know, like we like had

36:53

a real conversation about it.

36:54

And I think that it's just so much more

36:57

acceptable for men to

37:00

step out of their marriage and

37:02

their relationship than it is for

37:04

women.

37:04

But let me tell you what I know. Women

37:07

do it. Listen,

37:24

aunties be getting they freak

37:27

out, and you know, I

37:29

wonder, I wonder.

37:30

If it's a because you know, like I am

37:32

a big time conversationalist,

37:35

right, I feel like a

37:37

way to maintain a healthy relationship, any relationship,

37:40

whether it's with your doctor, your maleman,

37:42

your grandmother, your friends, your husband,

37:44

your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whatever, is that

37:47

communication is vital, Like healthy

37:49

effective communication is vital.

37:51

Do they have conversations about this?

37:54

Like do they sit down and say, look like,

37:56

I love you, I want to be with you, but I need

37:58

this step. I gotta get some new penis,

38:00

so I need to get some new coochie like some got to

38:02

give I need to get I need him for something else?

38:05

Like do they talk about that?

38:06

See?

38:07

I think I think that it probably

38:09

there's probably more occurrences of the

38:12

women confront of the men, just letting them

38:15

know, I know you, I know you out here. Hell you think I'm

38:17

a fool, you think I'm on

38:19

my head like.

38:21

That.

38:22

But I don't think men really

38:25

have the where like

38:28

they're not gonna be okay, like tell him.

38:31

I just want you to know, Carolyn,

38:35

I know, I know you've been out here, like I know you've

38:37

been out here sneaking around with John from up the street, like

38:39

because that's that's a you

38:42

know, especially.

38:44

He's gonna go brust John's head to the white man,

38:47

right.

38:47

That ain't gonna be no discussion. He gonna be like, you know, I just I

38:50

whooped John's ass down the streets because I know you've

38:52

been slipping around like knowing

38:57

the whole time you've been sleeping with Harry and I put,

38:59

I'll be put knowing you got a step in family.

39:01

I've been sending the money the whole time. You think

39:03

I'm stupid, Like women are more like that, Like,

39:06

well that's a real thing, it

39:08

is, I know, so like so

39:11

it's different, and it's it's funny, like there's so many

39:14

occurrences of that pepper throughout our

39:16

history just that you know, we don't talk about it in

39:18

the day, like, but the understanding is there so

39:22

much. We we know how we

39:24

wire. We know people aren't built

39:27

to just be with each other forever

39:30

and ever. Yeah, you know what I mean. And

39:32

even sometimes I don't even argue that stepping out

39:35

strengthens your bond, and I think

39:38

that there's a delicate, sort of nuanced

39:41

way to go about discussing it

39:44

implementing it. There's a certain amount of I feel

39:48

there's a certain amount of reference you still have to

39:50

maintain, yeah, or hoping, you

39:52

know what I mean, for home base or household. Like, I

39:55

think that's that's where things start to spiral

39:57

a lot of controllers, when you start to feel like your

40:00

loved one is prefers you

40:03

know that the person outside of Yeah,

40:09

but women, especially women go

40:11

ahead.

40:12

I think I think that.

40:16

When it comes to like that shift

40:18

in that whole, like you're saying that we're

40:20

not really wired to only

40:23

be with someone. I want people to be clear

40:25

when we say that, you

40:28

know, only be with one person, it may

40:30

not only be physical.

40:31

You know what I mean.

40:32

So it may be a thing where exactly you don't

40:34

physically step outside of your marriage, but you

40:37

have a friend and emotionally

40:40

you step out, or spiritually

40:42

you may step up because maybe your spouse doesn't

40:45

understand who you are from a spiritual level,

40:47

but you have a friend or you meet somebody

40:50

who understands you.

40:51

Does that mean that you don't love your wife or your husband. Absolutely

40:54

not, absolutely not.

40:56

But that means that maybe

40:58

they just don't show up in that way because I don't believe

41:00

that anybody can be everything to anybody,

41:04

nor should that that's too much of a burden,

41:07

that's too much of a heavy weight to

41:09

carry. But I do believe that in some instances,

41:13

especially now, especially from

41:15

a physical sense, because when you are physically

41:17

intimate with someone outside of your relationship,

41:20

that can pose a problem because you can bring stuff

41:22

home that you know can can make

41:24

us sick. You can

41:27

you can, as my grandmother says, did you know that

41:29

so and so's husband got a baby on her? Like

41:31

you could get a baby on me, And then that's a problem because

41:33

now you got to take care of another baby, and that's dipping in the

41:36

family's uh dividend.

41:37

I have a problem. There's a problem.

41:39

That's a problem for me.

41:40

But I wonder, like, do you feel like people should

41:43

talk to their spouse or their

41:45

loved one if they are in an emotional

41:47

situation outside of their

41:50

marriage.

41:50

Is that like is that a thing?

41:52

Like should they go to their wife or their husband

41:54

and say, look, I really

41:56

love Bianca and you know it's

41:58

not going to get physical, but like I love

42:00

her and I love to talk.

42:01

To her, and I hope it's okay.

42:04

I think this is dumb to do that personally, I don't think

42:06

you need to do that.

42:07

So I think that things

42:09

like this, this very scenario are a

42:11

part of the shift we're talking about in sort of

42:13

awareness and ideals and value systems

42:16

and all the new monogamy, you

42:18

know what I mean. Because I don't think it's that people are departing

42:20

from it altogether. I think that it's starting

42:22

to mutate into something that

42:25

it better suits sort of the time and space

42:27

where and we're in social media culture. You have constant

42:30

access to people from every edge of the earth. You

42:33

do you expect anybody not to end

42:35

up emotionally even if it's not their intention to

42:37

become emotionally invested in another person. Like

42:40

now, you have access to you know, people

42:42

who are like you, you know what I mean, like

42:44

it and waste it. May be a partner and

42:46

you love them to death, you know what I mean.

42:48

They don't get you on that level, or they

42:50

don't they don't bring that out of you. And

42:53

here's the thing about that, Like, I think that I

42:55

love that you called it the new monogamy because

42:58

because it is. And here's the proof that people

43:00

are not shying away from monogamy, because

43:03

if you look at the wedding industry,

43:06

whole industry, it's

43:09

booming them dresses, them venues,

43:12

the bride'smaid's dress, flowers,

43:16

food cakes, like that industry

43:18

is constantly booming. Even being

43:21

in this pandemic or mixt excuse me, being

43:23

in this pandemic, it's still thriving.

43:26

People.

43:27

People ain't running from monogamy.

43:28

People likes to get married. Marrying at

43:31

a protest, like people like people get married.

43:34

Let me just let me just give me five seconds. Let me be

43:36

clear. I did not like that at all, Like

43:39

sit down. My cousin just says, sit your ass down.

43:44

I'm like, cousin, that's it sad

43:50

much.

43:51

I digress, which is like I said, what we do

43:53

here?

43:54

But I think that I like how that sounds

43:56

the new monogamy because when the time comes

43:58

for me to get married, like I have male

44:01

friends that are very important.

44:03

To me, I'm not gonna want to give that up, you

44:06

know.

44:06

And that doesn't mean that the

44:09

relationship that I have with them is

44:12

going to be a problem in my marriage. But

44:14

I feel like my husband should understand, like this

44:17

is my friend and he understands me on the level

44:20

in a way that nobody else understands me, and

44:22

it should not get in the way. But on the

44:24

flip side, me

44:26

scorpidity. Yeah, my moon is in scorpio,

44:29

I said, my moon is in scorpidity.

44:31

I don't even know.

44:34

I don't even know what that means.

44:36

My moon is in scorpio.

44:38

If my man told me that he had a friend who understands

44:40

him in a way that I don't serious,

44:43

I have a.

44:43

Problem with it right

44:46

now.

44:46

No, I know, I know, but

44:49

he should understand that if I have a man

44:51

who is nothing. But however, however,

44:55

yeah, I know it's bad. God is still working on

44:57

me. That's why I go to therapy. Okay, so

44:59

I don't know.

45:00

But that's the conversation we're having exactly

45:02

right now. Though. It's trying to fit in, trying to figure

45:05

out realistically how do we fit into

45:07

the new monogamy because there are benefits

45:09

to it. So when you get to enjoy the benefits,

45:12

yeah, we can talk about, you know, coloring

45:14

this a little differently, making it look a little different.

45:16

But am I equipped to

45:19

do? I have the stomach for reciprocating,

45:22

you know, open myself

45:24

and offering my partner the freedoms

45:26

I intend, very much

45:28

intend to enjoy even if I'm

45:31

married.

45:31

And one of the questions when I thought

45:33

about this, and when I thought about this conversation,

45:36

is you know, this whole

45:38

new dating shift in this culture

45:41

of dating and love in

45:43

the Black community, Like.

45:45

Who do I have to become to fit into this

45:47

new box? Personally?

45:49

I don't like fitting in the no boxes. I'm a big lady.

45:52

I don't really fit in the box now what I do.

45:54

But in addition to that, like my

45:56

freedom is compromised when I'm asked to fit

45:58

into a box. I have a problem

46:01

with my freedom being compromised.

46:03

Everything sort of marketed now

46:06

as it's freedom, you know what I

46:08

mean, It's it's it's freedom and fluidity and everyone

46:10

have, you know, being

46:14

being able to come and go and do and feel

46:16

as.

46:16

Please, that concept of so

46:19

in the Loss recordings, friends and we

46:22

talked about fluidity

46:24

and and and and and love and dating

46:27

from a from the concept of meanness

46:31

and selfness and eyness and basically

46:33

from from dating from your ego versus

46:35

dating from your heart.

46:37

Boom that's that's good.

46:39

See, let me tell you something.

46:40

It's good.

46:40

We had them lost recordings.

46:41

But guess what we're ready now dating

46:43

from your ego self, Dating

46:46

from your ego self, because that's really what it is,

46:48

because you're dating, like we talked about brothers,

46:51

knowing that like brothers is the hot day, the

46:53

hot ship.

46:54

We want them.

46:55

We are seeking them out and like I

46:57

said, don't let them look good halfway,

47:00

don't let him smell halfway,

47:03

don't.

47:03

Let them be and listen, I'm a sucker for

47:06

I almost said that word.

47:07

I'm a sucker for a man that take care of his kid

47:10

because don't have no whole bunch of kids, please, because I don't

47:12

have time for that. A man

47:14

who got a kid and he take care of that kid

47:17

and he is a good daddy.

47:19

Jesus, jesus. It makes me hot. Why

47:22

because even though I don't really want no children.

47:25

If and so I decide that

47:27

I'm gonna pop a little chocolate baby out

47:29

for you, I know that you're

47:31

gonna be.

47:32

A good daddy.

47:32

I like that.

47:33

Yes, it is

47:35

because you know why sexy though, because it's a commitment.

47:38

Come on, wait a minute, what

47:41

we want to see as black women, as black men committing

47:44

to blackness, to

47:47

black babies that we make black.

47:49

Babies that they may we want to see.

47:51

We want to see black men committing two things

47:54

that look like them. Wait a minute,

47:58

man, we want to see

48:00

them committing to things that look like them.

48:02

So if it's the black baby, if it's the black

48:04

baby mama, if it's me, like

48:07

whatever it is, we want.

48:08

To see that that turns us on.

48:10

Look at him being a good dad. Look at him coaching

48:12

football with these little black kids. Look

48:15

at him preaching Sunday school.

48:18

What come on?

48:20

Now?

48:21

We want that because we want to be.

48:23

Loved by black men so bad. We

48:25

don't understand, Like, why don't y'all just

48:27

love us in the same way that we love you.

48:30

And that's not to say that all of them don't. Let's

48:32

do this disclaiming so that nobody's whining

48:34

and seeing.

48:37

A man all men.

48:39

Clearly we're not talking about all black men.

48:41

Clearly we are not in

48:44

no way, shape or form here.

48:45

How do you know all men? I'm

48:48

not talking about all men.

48:50

But even on that, like I'm not this is

48:52

not I don't even come from a place of male

48:54

bashing, especially black male bashing because

48:56

I love black men. They are beautiful,

48:59

they are they are royal, They

49:02

smell good, the lips

49:04

is good, like everything about them. I ain't

49:06

want to say they taste good because it's nasty, but

49:09

you know what I'm saying, they skin.

49:11

Taste good when you lick on her heads.

49:15

My cousin looks up, she was like, what you talking about?

49:17

You know what I'm talking about. You got kids, I

49:20

know you know what I'm talking about. But I'm just

49:22

saying, like, you know, like, I love black men.

49:24

But if we're gonna have here's the tea.

49:27

Okay, So we we.

49:30

I work at a school and we started PD

49:32

and we were having a conversation about implicit bias,

49:35

right, And the comment that

49:37

I had in the conversation is that we

49:40

have to get very comfortable with having

49:42

very uncomfortable conversations. If

49:44

we want to try to even create a ripple in

49:46

the water is a change, It's the same thing in our

49:48

community. If we are going to make ripples

49:51

which lead to waves and the waters

49:53

are change in our community.

49:54

We got to say shit that people don't want to hear.

49:57

Somebody gotta throw us downe. The

50:01

truth of the matter is that we love you. We

50:03

just want y'all to love us the same way, and

50:06

clearly some of you do.

50:08

But I wouldn't say this if I felt like

50:10

we all felt like y'all love us the way

50:12

that we love y'all. And I'm gonna speak for black

50:14

women and I'm gonna say we don't feel

50:16

that way exactly.

50:18

Something is And even if they do believe in

50:20

their heart of hearts, which I don't believe they do

50:22

like that not all men things

50:25

thrown in it to deflect from whatever

50:27

conversations we had at the time. That's neither though.

50:29

But maybe you do believe that you

50:31

are, in earnest providing the best

50:34

love to put off for the black women. Even

50:36

if that's true, if it's not translating,

50:38

if we're telling you that it's not translating on our

50:40

end, If your true intention is to love us, then

50:43

you need to revise the way you love us.

50:45

You don't get to decide how

50:47

the person you love needs to be loved, you.

50:49

Know what I mean. You don't get.

50:54

You don't get to God, you don't get to negate

50:56

my feelings. Basically, you don't get

50:58

the gaslight me. If I'm saying that when

51:00

you did X, X made me feel

51:03

why and now we are here at Z. You

51:05

don't get to say that when you did X, it

51:07

shouldn't have made me feel like why. It should have made

51:09

me feel like w And now we

51:12

are hey. You don't get to do that.

51:14

You don't.

51:16

You do not Because what I am feeling

51:19

is this.

51:20

And so if collectively we are

51:23

saying and it is happening, and like

51:25

I said, there will be a conversation about this down

51:27

the road. If we are feeling that we are not

51:29

protected, we are not honored, we are not cherished,

51:32

we are not loved. Collectively

51:34

as a unit, black women are feeling that way

51:37

when it comes to you, brothers like y'all got

51:39

to kind of check yourself before you wreck yourself.

51:42

And if we are going to address the issue,

51:44

then we have to start from great Granddaddy

51:48

all the way down to Tayte in kindergarten

51:50

when it comes to protecting, honoring, cherishing,

51:53

and loving Black women holistically.

51:56

And in order to do that, we got to go to the

51:58

root of the situation. Because when it comes to

52:01

creating a healing love energy

52:03

in our community, we got to go to the root

52:05

of the problem. And at the root of the problem.

52:08

There's a breakdown of the black fams.

52:11

And sure we can go back by five

52:13

hundred years, okay, five

52:16

hundred, And I ain't saying five hundred,

52:19

five hundreds.

52:21

That spelled f I g H

52:24

five hundred is h U n

52:26

n it.

52:27

We're gonna go back about five hundred years, okay,

52:31

to when all of these things began, and

52:33

the uprooting of people on

52:36

the continent of Africa and bringing them here

52:38

for capitalists gain or

52:40

capital gain, and

52:43

splitting families up. The destruction

52:45

of the black family is at

52:48

the nucleus of the breakdown

52:50

of relationships between black men

52:52

and black women period.

52:56

Period. Po why do we both

52:58

do that at the same time? Somebody

53:01

called that.

53:02

A comedian called that snatching in your dreams.

53:04

Black one will snatch your dreams out the air. We

53:06

did it at the same time. And that's on period.

53:09

Like at the end of the day. And as

53:12

they say, fight me, who gonna who want? Who

53:14

won't check me?

53:15

Who won't check you do?

53:17

It's nothing you can say.

53:18

The breakdown of communication, of

53:21

love, of understanding ooh, the

53:23

breakdown of understanding one another

53:25

comes from the demise, the destruction

53:28

and the breakdown of our

53:30

family.

53:32

Offer the reluctance to engage.

53:34

The fear of investing, you know,

53:39

right, comes from the fear of

53:41

having it snatched away from you. You know

53:43

what I mean, If I don't invest in it, it won't hurt

53:45

as much when it's ripped from my grasp.

53:47

In our genetic memory, a certain amount

53:49

of fear, fear of investing,

53:51

and really feeling for, you know, engaging

53:54

in love for our family,

53:56

for the people nearest. That's because at any moment,

53:59

you know, wake up and they be ripped away.

54:03

And guess what, we still have to deal with it today.

54:05

All you got to do is turn on the TV.

54:07

Because the police could shoot the

54:10

man that you love, the man that you gave

54:12

birth to, the man that you taught

54:14

how to play basketball, whatever

54:16

that looks like, the man that helped you bring

54:19

a life into this world, could shoot him in

54:21

his back seven or eight times, like

54:24

it's still happening. At any given

54:26

time. Our men can be snatched away

54:28

from us still, or at any.

54:30

Given time we can be snatched away

54:32

from them because we ain't exempt they killing

54:34

us too. Justice

54:37

for Breonna Taylor.

54:38

They still ain't locked them bastards up

54:40

that shot that girl in her sleep,

54:42

in her bed, in her house.

54:44

So I mean like that, we're still.

54:46

Being hunted for different purposes

54:49

now, but we're still being hunted and at any You

54:51

know, this was not on the lost recording

54:53

because we didn't even get here, but I get

54:55

that, and you know, that's something that I

54:57

have thought about as well beyond and

55:00

that is painful and that makes me sad.

55:03

It makes me really sad.

55:05

Something you did mention in the Lost Recorders

55:07

is talking about we were sort of dealing with the well

55:10

why you said, well, why is it? The fear of the vulnerability?

55:13

Like why are they so scared? And that

55:15

speaks to that for me. I'm very very much

55:17

one of the belief that your soul

55:20

remembers, your your DNA remembers even if you

55:22

don't have it in your conscious awareness, you don't have access

55:24

to it, like the memory is there, you

55:27

know what I mean. So a lot of our men do function from

55:29

a place of just fear of investment, you

55:31

know, in general, and howso fear of not

55:33

being able to live up to you know what I mean,

55:36

the expectations of heaving home.

55:37

I talk about this all the time. They were snatched

55:40

away and women had to band together. And you

55:42

can even see that now, Like you said, it's in

55:44

your DNA, it's in our DNA and our structural

55:47

DNA. Those things

55:49

live on that whole like strong black

55:51

independent woman that didn't just that wasn't

55:53

just born out of us getting jobs.

55:56

That came from us not having

55:58

a choice. Yes, he

56:01

didn't have a choice.

56:02

Now we have options, right, but

56:05

there was a time where we didn't have a choice.

56:07

We had to be strong black independent

56:10

women because there was no man around. Because

56:13

somebody slave owner, some slave,

56:16

I don't want to call him a master, some owner

56:19

of human capital decided

56:21

they were going to take our fathers and our brothers and

56:23

our uncles and our sons away, and we

56:26

as women had to band together and say, look,

56:28

sis, we're gonna have to get this shit together.

56:30

We were CMB. We all we got.

56:32

You don't know what movie that's from, you know, get your

56:34

life, but we all we got,

56:36

so we're gonna figure this out.

56:38

That is the birth of the strong Black women.

56:40

Don't be mad at us because we are.

56:42

Such Absolutely we're

56:45

talking about these are the things that are being called

56:47

to the mat in this current shift.

56:49

Is the ideals such as that the strong

56:52

black woman, the absent black

56:54

men and people. We really are getting to a place now where

56:56

we're realizing that the context has

56:58

changed completely and we're still function like

57:01

you know what I mean, Like we realizing that, like why are

57:03

we acting like it?

57:06

Come on, come on, get your tabourine. We

57:08

need tambourine. We

57:11

need tambourines.

57:13

Yeah, I was getting ready say why we need tambourines.

57:16

Because see, Beyonca grew up she was

57:18

a tour baby. Her mother was was a gospel

57:20

singer, and I grew up in the Holy Church.

57:22

In high school. In high school, I was in a

57:24

colder church. And as a small child, my godmother

57:27

took me to a church child. The name of the

57:29

church was Revival Mission in the Holy Ghost.

57:31

Station Baptist Church. Okay, let

57:35

me exca you something to you. Let me

57:37

tell you what we did that.

57:40

Revival Mission and the Holy

57:42

Ghost Station Baptist

57:44

Church. Okay, made my godmother

57:47

resident power, Sadie

57:49

Bradley.

57:49

Okay, Sadie made Bradley.

57:53

We would be at church all day and all night. They let

57:56

me tell you what kind of church that was.

57:57

That was the kind of church where they played warushboards

58:01

with bent up hangers I know about

58:03

going to church, Okay, I know

58:05

about getting pinched on the backside of your

58:07

arm.

58:09

Because you can't keep still. But you've

58:11

been there for six hours, so you're gonna pinch

58:14

I've been there. I'm six.

58:17

Like old.

58:20

More than likely I had attention deficit

58:22

hyperactive disorder.

58:24

Okay, and you're

58:26

gonna.

58:26

Pinch me because we've been here for six hours. Let

58:42

me explain something to you. So that's why we need tambourines.

58:45

I digress.

58:46

That's why we need these tambourines. That's

58:49

what we were saying. We operating from a place

58:51

of slavery, mental slavery. Wait

58:54

a minute, stop emotional

58:56

slavery.

58:58

Waittea that.

59:02

Emotional slavery. We are

59:04

bound.

59:06

We are bound and at no fault

59:08

of our own. Because the truth of the

59:10

matter is, how do we correct this. I'm

59:13

gonna tell you how we correct it. We got to go straight to the

59:15

wound. You got to go straight to the hall. Like

59:17

there's a nucleus. The wound is a

59:19

thing at the nucleus, at the very

59:21

center of this wound.

59:23

That is where we need to go. And it is an ugly

59:25

place.

59:26

It stinks, it's an open, nasty

59:29

funky, nasty abscess of a

59:31

wound. But we gotta go there if we're gonna heal it.

59:33

And the unfortunate part is that people

59:36

don't want to go there.

59:37

I don't think we know how, you know, like looking

59:39

at couple's therapy for example, No, just literally

59:41

just people therapy, like people two people

59:44

who have been in something and their relationship

59:46

has taken a turn for whatever reason, and then they end

59:48

up in couple's therapy, no matter

59:50

how much they know the truth to be true about how much

59:52

they contributed to the downfall of this matter,

59:54

like what what areas they fell short? It could have

59:56

done wrong. It's something about staying that shit

59:59

out loud in real time, letting

1:00:01

it out into the air. It's something. It's

1:00:03

a vulnerable place admitting

1:00:06

fault, admitting and inadequacy

1:00:08

of any sort, admitting

1:00:11

your blind spots. And I

1:00:13

think it's even more difficult to admit when

1:00:17

when when you were acting with best intentions,

1:00:19

when you believed it were doing good. You

1:00:22

know what I mean? You know to say, I think

1:00:24

that's where we come to a screeching hall. Every

1:00:26

time black men and black women make

1:00:28

the attempt to try to, you know, hash this thing

1:00:30

out when we start getting into having to

1:00:32

really really pick apart the points that make

1:00:35

up the timeline of us, you know what I mean, and the

1:00:37

ways we've been sort of derailed and thrown off

1:00:40

and pulled the bat like. It's it's difficult to pull like

1:00:42

name each one of those things. Take

1:00:44

owners like, take ownership for them

1:00:47

without feeling humiliated and far in

1:00:49

front of one another. The person, the

1:00:51

person. I value you, black man, it's

1:00:53

your opinion I value most about

1:00:56

anything while we exist here on this

1:00:58

planet. Either y'all hold you in the high God. It's

1:01:01

difficult for me to sit still and here. You tell me

1:01:03

you don't feel like I was there for you didn't

1:01:06

feel safe with me. You didn't feel like you could tell

1:01:08

me your stuff. I didn't feel like you.

1:01:12

Women.

1:01:13

Go ahead, no, no, no, go ahead, say that.

1:01:16

I don't want you to lose your train of thought.

1:01:18

What you got to say? That's how.

1:01:20

That's how you know somebody loves you for who you

1:01:22

are because she knows that I will lose

1:01:24

this.

1:01:24

Damn train of thought. I will. But

1:01:27

I was gonna say and and vice

1:01:29

versa, for.

1:01:32

I could only imagine the

1:01:35

burden that black men carry,

1:01:38

knowing that there's a stigma around

1:01:41

their entire existence, that they are not good

1:01:43

fathers, that they are not good men, that they

1:01:45

are not they don't show up for the their

1:01:48

their women, that they are, they don't protect

1:01:50

us. I can't imagine how it makes them

1:01:52

feel, especially the men who do show

1:01:54

up for us, the men who who who

1:01:57

are willing to stand in the gap for

1:01:59

black women. It has to hurt

1:02:02

them in like a dark

1:02:04

place to hear those things being

1:02:07

said. Even though it's uncomfortable

1:02:09

to be vulnerable with one another, and

1:02:11

in those spaces like therapy or even

1:02:14

in bed at night, or at the dinner

1:02:16

table, or in the car or wherever, it's

1:02:19

hard to be vulnerable in those spaces. But

1:02:21

when we are not vulnerable in those spaces

1:02:23

with the people that we say we love the most and

1:02:26

the people that we say we cherish the most, then

1:02:28

are we operating from a place of emotional ego?

1:02:30

Because I have to take my ego

1:02:32

and set it to the side if I want

1:02:35

to try to make this work with you, Because I

1:02:38

can't operate from a place that goes back to

1:02:40

that place of meanness and that place of selfness

1:02:42

and that place of eydness. I have to move

1:02:44

beyond that, because if I don't, we

1:02:47

won't get to the root, and at the

1:02:49

root is the first point of healing.

1:02:51

I agree. But in order to be able

1:02:53

to set aside the ego, in order

1:02:55

to engage in those conversations, there has to be sort

1:02:57

of the element of culture

1:03:00

safety. You have to have seen examples

1:03:02

from one another, you know, you have to feel

1:03:04

safe, and I feel like I had to not

1:03:07

feel like I know. I had that conversation recently

1:03:09

with somebody that I used to deal

1:03:11

with, you know, for many years, like where

1:03:13

he we're lon not messed with each other

1:03:15

at this point, but we're good, good friends, And

1:03:17

to have him tell me, you

1:03:19

know, I never felt like I

1:03:21

could come to you and talking about X y

1:03:24

Z because I don't feel for as

1:03:26

much as you think that you're a safe space and

1:03:28

you think you created an atmosphere of but I

1:03:30

always felt like I would disappoint

1:03:33

you. I felt like you'd be upset with me. I felt

1:03:35

I never felt.

1:03:36

Like I could bring you my heart, and that's

1:03:38

gotta hurt you, right exactly. And

1:03:40

I was just like like, well.

1:03:42

Damn, because you could not tell me I'm

1:03:44

not space right,

1:03:49

what you talking

1:03:51

about? Exactly,

1:03:56

And in that moment, I'm extremely

1:03:58

defensive everything in me. Rory that because you

1:04:00

now you're challenging what I what I believe

1:04:02

is my identity. You know what I mean that the picture

1:04:04

I've painted of myself? You know what I mean that I

1:04:06

am this wait.

1:04:07

Warm and say, I mean the

1:04:09

picture that has one of your I.

1:04:12

Have painted myself.

1:04:13

Okay, that's but that.

1:04:15

That is operating from that space of emotional

1:04:17

ego, because in my mind, this

1:04:20

is what I have created. This is the mask that I

1:04:22

wear for the world and on in this

1:04:24

mask I Bianca am loving

1:04:27

and warm, and I create a space, a safe space

1:04:29

of openness for people to be

1:04:32

free to be themselves.

1:04:34

But this man is saying, I know you didn't sist.

1:04:36

I didn't feel it telling you, but

1:04:42

let you finish.

1:04:42

But that's not you know what I got for you?

1:04:45

You know and what you

1:04:47

know? And in that moment, I had a decision

1:04:50

to make, you know, either defend

1:04:52

myself, defend my identity so that I could

1:04:54

be comfortable you know, yes, because

1:04:56

I did. How can how you gonna tell me? Or because

1:04:59

we're doing this work now, we're talking about shifting

1:05:01

into something that we're not operating from a space.

1:05:04

Of you know what I mean emotional ideas

1:05:07

like.

1:05:07

If we're wanting to make this, make it together

1:05:10

and resolve things, not so that

1:05:12

him and I can move forward together because we've longed part

1:05:14

of ways. But it's my duty to help

1:05:17

him recover, you know, from moments

1:05:19

where I have made him disempowered,

1:05:21

you know, disempowered him, made him feel it's

1:05:23

my job to if I can now

1:05:26

fixed or help him move toward being

1:05:28

able to heal a wound so that now he

1:05:30

can move forward and be good to one of our assistants so

1:05:32

that he's not And I say this one of my cuanator

1:05:34

other day, that people have the

1:05:37

habit of not not resolving

1:05:39

things in their situations and moving forward

1:05:41

and then trying to retroactively recover power

1:05:43

from them for themselves from past.

1:05:46

Herds say that one

1:05:48

more time in the.

1:05:49

Back retroactively

1:05:52

address moments and occurrences

1:05:55

in the past where they felt disempowered and

1:05:57

they're in other relationships. Rather than

1:05:59

dealing with the person the incident

1:06:02

that cast that wound, they just try to move

1:06:04

forward. And what they do is create

1:06:07

a you know where they're over vigilant,

1:06:09

over protective of themselves overreacting

1:06:12

to everything, and now they've become the

1:06:14

very person.

1:06:15

That they were talking that they

1:06:17

were and that they ran away from.

1:06:18

Right. We all know what happens when you suppress

1:06:21

things. So when you suppress things, you

1:06:23

know there's pressure, you put pressure on it, you

1:06:25

push it down, you put pressure on it, you push it

1:06:28

down, push it down, push it down, and then eventually

1:06:32

it's gonna blow up. It's

1:06:35

gonna blow up, and who knows what's gonna happen

1:06:37

when it.

1:06:40

Blows up.

1:06:40

I do want to make sure that something that we touched

1:06:43

on. We went a little bit to church on

1:06:45

the Loss recordings. We were talking

1:06:47

about when men

1:06:52

say when they get

1:06:54

to that place. We were talking about commitment and

1:06:56

when they say that they are not

1:06:59

ready to commit it. And Bianca said

1:07:01

something that was so powerful and amazing, and

1:07:03

I'm gonna have her say it again. Tell me about the lasagna.

1:07:06

Yeah. See, I can't take credit for

1:07:08

that, but hit me.

1:07:12

You see, you know, this is why the Internet is good,

1:07:14

because you see things and you think

1:07:16

to yourself, whoever said this is a genius,

1:07:19

And I personally would

1:07:21

like to thank them from the bottom of my heart

1:07:24

because it struck a nerve in. Me's

1:07:26

gonna tell you what this thing said.

1:07:28

Okay, many of you,

1:07:30

I'm sure have seen it and said when the man says

1:07:33

he's not ready to be in a relationship

1:07:35

that with you, it's silent like the GM Lasania.

1:07:39

This sister do un said, come on now that

1:07:41

I'm not ready whatever it is.

1:07:43

I'm not ready to have a child. I'm

1:07:45

not ready to get married. I'm not ready

1:07:48

to move in with you. I'm not ready

1:07:51

to take a bath with you. I'm not

1:07:53

ready to be engaged to you. I'm

1:07:55

not ready to go out in the daytime with you

1:07:58

because you're.

1:07:58

I'm not ready to call it's a relationship,

1:08:01

even though we spend twenty four hours days

1:08:03

and seven days a week together and I live in your

1:08:05

house and I faith fields here. My name is on Steven, your

1:08:07

name is on my step. Well, we got

1:08:09

to call this something, Oh, I'm.

1:08:15

Because the truth is and the reason that we got

1:08:17

to this conversation and the loss recordings is

1:08:19

because we were talking about how

1:08:22

we will be in a

1:08:24

situationship, right, because that's

1:08:26

what the people are called. And entanglement, dare

1:08:29

I say, get

1:08:31

entangled? Come on in the upper room,

1:08:34

Come on in the upper room and get entangled. For

1:08:36

God, do you understand me? So you cut

1:08:38

yourself in a situation, right, and

1:08:41

so you in the situation. And I

1:08:43

can only speak, and can only

1:08:45

speak from a black woman's perspective because

1:08:47

that's who we are. But I know I have been in a situation

1:08:49

where I wanted a black man to love me so bad. God

1:08:52

have mercy that I was willing to jeopardize

1:08:54

and sacrifice and put everything on the line in

1:08:56

hopes that maybe there was a

1:08:58

time and say something this just happened.

1:09:01

I'm willing to put everything on the line because I want

1:09:03

this man to love me so bad. I want him

1:09:06

to love me that I'm just gonna

1:09:08

excuse all of the things that

1:09:11

are important to me because

1:09:13

I want him to love me. I'm gonna provide a space

1:09:15

of relationship for him. He ain't

1:09:17

really doing it for me, but I'm gonna provide a space

1:09:20

of relationship with him. So I'm gonna treat him like he my

1:09:22

man, because if I treat him like he my man, he might

1:09:24

feel like he my man, and then we might be together because

1:09:26

he might say, oh my.

1:09:28

He gonna be like, oh my God, I want to be with her because

1:09:30

she treats me so good. No, Sis,

1:09:33

that ain't how it worked. So you in a

1:09:35

situation where you are creating a space for a man,

1:09:37

where you are treating him like he is your boyfriend,

1:09:40

like he is your husband, like he is your long

1:09:42

term whatever. But he ain't really

1:09:44

doing that for you.

1:09:45

And he's telling you, and he has told

1:09:47

you, come on beyond because we can really catch the Holy ghost

1:09:50

because we don't have this conversation. We

1:09:52

both have been in situations where we kind

1:09:54

of like have put a whole lot on the line.

1:09:57

But you know, brothers told

1:09:59

us like we you ain't ready.

1:10:01

You really want me there? You know

1:10:03

I'm down here, but I ain't here.

1:10:05

Yeah, they want that, Like

1:10:07

we don't really want that. And see, here's the thing.

1:10:11

So many times, and maybe this happens with men too,

1:10:13

But you sacrifice so much yourself, or you

1:10:15

sacrifice things, or you know, you overlook

1:10:18

things them bread, flags and flags for a reason.

1:10:21

You do all those things in hopes

1:10:23

of you dating the potential

1:10:26

you are dating. Who you want this person

1:10:28

to be, or who you have dreams, aspirations

1:10:31

and the imagination that this person could one

1:10:33

day be if they flush out or

1:10:35

if everything works out. But the truth

1:10:37

of the matter is most of the time they don't

1:10:39

flush out, and once they

1:10:41

do flesh out, they don't want to be with you.

1:10:44

I find that a lot of them don't

1:10:46

value nothing they can have come up. Their

1:10:49

sense herself is so fucked up. It's just like

1:10:51

if she wants me, and I only even think it's something they have

1:10:53

awareness, it's

1:10:56

very much a devaluing of you because

1:10:58

they can have you. You know what I mean? Why she

1:11:01

I don't trust the person that would want me the way

1:11:03

I am, the way I'm showing up in this moment

1:11:05

and she wants me to wrong with her? All

1:11:08

come on, and.

1:11:09

That's gonna We're gonna keep that because that that

1:11:11

right? That was a word a word

1:11:14

on high Okay, Like

1:11:17

if we I said, this is the last show. If we are

1:11:19

socially conditioned to not honor,

1:11:21

value, and cherish ourselves, why

1:11:24

would I honor, value, and cherish you and

1:11:28

to add some paper

1:11:31

rica on top of that, Yeah,

1:11:34

some paper on top of that

1:11:37

if in turn you do value,

1:11:40

cherish, honor and love me, I

1:11:43

can't value honor and cherish and love

1:11:45

you because I don't value and

1:11:47

honor and cherish me, So why

1:11:50

I don't trust you.

1:11:51

I don't trust you me

1:11:53

showing up I know behind that message.

1:11:55

I know how I'm showing up here and you and

1:11:57

you groveling for me.

1:12:00

And you want this. Yeah,

1:12:03

what kind of fool is you?

1:12:05

But that's because black women are the queens

1:12:08

of seeing through a black man's

1:12:10

trouble. Like we will see

1:12:13

some goodness in him, and we will

1:12:15

come home appreciate to yourself. We

1:12:17

will see the goodness in him, and we will say

1:12:19

to ourselves, you know what, he ain't right right

1:12:22

now. But once I just put all this love

1:12:24

on him. And I don't even mean physically hold

1:12:28

on hot butts. I'm saying,

1:12:31

once I love him and nurture

1:12:33

him and nurse him back to health

1:12:35

or to health, he gonna be okay, and

1:12:38

then he gonna want me, and I'm gonna want him, and we gonna skip

1:12:40

off into the African Saharan sunset.

1:12:43

Nope, sense, because now that you done done

1:12:45

nurture them and nurse them, he don't

1:12:47

want your dust ass.

1:12:48

Now you

1:13:02

don't want it. And that's for a number of reasons in

1:13:05

my experience, in my theory. Number

1:13:07

one that resent you for doing it. No

1:13:09

man, like like we talked about in that dynamic,

1:13:13

yeah, where no one wants to be there naked,

1:13:16

inadequate week before the person that

1:13:19

they they want you, they want to be

1:13:21

held in the highest esteem with you. Now,

1:13:23

did you've seen him in all of his mess and

1:13:26

his scat At this point, I

1:13:28

resent you for you.

1:13:29

Know, for.

1:13:31

Come on, not me, because

1:13:34

toddling illustrates a certain amount of you don't

1:13:36

trust me, you don't believe, you don't believe

1:13:38

I can get myself up on my own two

1:13:40

feet. There's a certain amount of let me do it for you, Let

1:13:43

me do it for you, don't man one, you

1:13:45

know what I mean? Give me toddled

1:13:48

and nurtured. Well, we think, we

1:13:51

think we're doing this wonderful thing, and he's you're.

1:13:53

Doing a good thing. We think you are doing

1:13:55

a good thing.

1:13:56

We think we are doing the things that our mothers and our

1:13:58

mother's mother's and our mother's mother's mother his mothers told

1:14:01

us that we are supposed to do, when in.

1:14:02

Reality, that black man don't want that. He want

1:14:05

to pull his own self up.

1:14:06

And he wants you to get him to do

1:14:08

it.

1:14:08

That's what listen, that's let

1:14:11

a word right there, s p A C E

1:14:13

space, but let

1:14:15

him tell you something. Even when you do that, sometimes

1:14:18

though, they still don't want your dusty

1:14:21

althose.

1:14:23

I'm not ready, it was. I'm not ready

1:14:26

to commit in that way to

1:14:29

you.

1:14:30

I'm not ready. I'm not willing.

1:14:32

Ooh, and men, you too. I'm sure some

1:14:34

of y'all do it.

1:14:35

Y'all be taking care of these ladies, with all these kids,

1:14:37

y'all be being with them and all these things and

1:14:40

paying all their bills.

1:14:41

And doing all of these things. And she out here treating

1:14:43

you like a piece of old, chewed up bubble

1:14:45

gum. Stop. I'm

1:14:48

gonna tell y'all to stop to it ain't right.

1:14:51

I agree, excuse. We want to make

1:14:53

sure that we're having a balanced conversation, like

1:14:56

you said, were not about mail bashing. We not want

1:14:59

to see us all I'll be having with more another

1:15:01

one honesty, leading with more

1:15:03

honesty, and having more integrity

1:15:06

and the way the ways we engage each other because we tend to

1:15:08

hit your bets and operating a way of just making

1:15:10

sure that I'm safe, uncomfortable.

1:15:13

Mine needs are met for how whatever long I need them

1:15:15

to be until I moved toward what

1:15:18

I actually want what until I.

1:15:19

Decide on what I actually wanted, once

1:15:21

again operating from a place of emotional

1:15:24

ego. So, guys, I want to thank

1:15:26

Bianca for sharing

1:15:29

her time with me, for giving me, uh

1:15:32

two rounds. Okay, two rounds.

1:15:34

That's an inside joke, not one, but

1:15:36

two rounds.

1:15:37

Okay. We did that,

1:15:40

yeah, because the first time it ain't

1:15:43

quite it wasn't for show.

1:15:45

Okay, we were just talking. But this time,

1:15:47

for you guys, we did it again. I hope you guys enjoyed

1:15:50

the conversation. I hope you guys got something out

1:15:52

of the conversation. And I

1:15:55

did this thing last week where I posted

1:15:59

oppose the question and on my Instagram, and you

1:16:01

know, the title or the lead on

1:16:03

the on the post

1:16:06

was let me ask y'all something. So

1:16:08

I'm gonna do that again and it will be in relation

1:16:11

to the conversation that we had, and I

1:16:13

will ask you guys a question and I want us to talk

1:16:15

about it, and so I want

1:16:18

you guys to look look for that. I want

1:16:20

to thank Bianca, like I said, for joining

1:16:22

us today. It was a beautiful conversation.

1:16:25

It was a great follow up from part

1:16:27

one of this conversation about the culture

1:16:30

of dating in the black community

1:16:32

and about love and about how

1:16:34

that looks. You know, I

1:16:37

really appreciate her. I appreciate her for being

1:16:39

vulnerable. I appreciate her for her

1:16:41

time because she did not have to do this we're

1:16:44

trying.

1:16:46

It was my privilege.

1:16:48

It was actually fun for me. I enjoyed it, So I

1:16:50

appreciate it. And it was a different kind

1:16:52

of perspective, you know. And and

1:16:54

here with my podcast, I'm

1:16:56

trying to normalize conversations

1:16:59

that people are very uncomfortable

1:17:01

with having, or they have in private,

1:17:04

you know, just so that people know that it's okay to

1:17:06

have ugly conversations, because that's

1:17:08

the only way to heal.

1:17:10

It's only wrong in public.

1:17:12

Also, I think that that's another thing that we need to offer

1:17:14

each other space for. We live in a cancel culture.

1:17:17

My God lovingly correct

1:17:19

one another, lovingly USh or one another

1:17:21

to you know, right thinking

1:17:23

if we feel like they're wrong. So people shouldn't be

1:17:25

shamed out of expressing how they feel

1:17:28

what they believe in real time. So I do

1:17:30

appreciate you creating spaces for like

1:17:32

you said, that more uncomfortable,

1:17:35

unsavory, difficult conversations.

1:17:38

Because it's okay to talk about it.

1:17:40

Like I think for so long our elders

1:17:42

have told us it's not okay to talk about

1:17:44

certain things. It is okay to talk about

1:17:47

those things because that is the only way

1:17:49

that we are going to get better. And my

1:17:51

thing is all about I want

1:17:53

to heal my community.

1:17:56

However that looks, that is really

1:17:58

the legacy that I want to leave. I want

1:18:00

you to heal my community. I'm figuring

1:18:02

it out as I go along. So if this

1:18:05

medium is a is a force and a

1:18:07

means for me to do that, so be it. And I

1:18:10

don't mind starting having ugly

1:18:12

conversations and saying things

1:18:14

that people may not want

1:18:16

to hear, especially from a black woman.

1:18:19

So I love you, sis, I appreciate

1:18:21

you.

1:18:21

I love you. This is wonderful.

1:18:24

Hopefully we will find

1:18:26

you guys today by the end of.

1:18:28

The yearn Darnella

1:18:30

came in. We're gonna double.

1:18:32

Oh, we will go on to double day. Will you go to

1:18:34

the Lord of the Rings convention with me?

1:18:37

Let's do it?

1:18:38

Okay, okay, all

1:18:40

right, you guys,

1:18:42

say bye to say bye to my friends

1:18:44

and.

1:18:44

My cane people and.

1:18:47

My cousin who I'm here and I'm in her bedroom

1:18:50

recording. She put her girl up

1:18:53

and wave, she said, she said bye. So

1:19:10

let's go ahead and just get into this because

1:19:13

this question today for straightfas

1:19:15

people is off

1:19:17

the richter. Okay, let's just

1:19:19

go ahead and get into it. So Kelly from

1:19:21

Philadelphia says, I have been

1:19:23

with my man for three years. We have

1:19:26

a healthy relationship, lots of open

1:19:28

communication, and we thoroughly

1:19:30

enjoy each other's company. We've maybe

1:19:32

argued twice lately, though,

1:19:35

I have found myself attracted to women.

1:19:38

Child.

1:19:40

It started when this woman at my gym started

1:19:43

hitting on me. I made it clear I

1:19:45

have a whole man at home, like a whole

1:19:47

man, not a half of man. So just got a whole man. Do you

1:19:49

understand me? He in three fourths of

1:19:51

a man. He is an entire whole

1:19:54

man.

1:19:54

Okay.

1:19:56

And she backed off, But we became friends

1:19:58

and workout partners. One day

1:20:01

we went for smoothies after a workout. We

1:20:03

talked for hours and ended up making

1:20:05

out in my car. John,

1:20:08

Kelly, you are off the chains.

1:20:11

Now.

1:20:11

I find myself fantasizing about her all

1:20:13

the time. I've been avoiding her because

1:20:16

again, I have a whole man that

1:20:18

I adore However, I do

1:20:20

want to take it a little further with homegirl.

1:20:24

Should I.

1:20:26

Tell my man that I'm attracted to women? Kiss

1:20:28

the girl liked it and would like to see what it do,

1:20:31

or act like none of this shit happened. Listen,

1:20:35

Kelly, I come from

1:20:38

two places or two perspectives with this one.

1:20:42

If you know for sure.

1:20:46

This is not going to go anywhere

1:20:49

and you can stop right here, it can be a

1:20:51

hard stop, like all right, I gotta leave

1:20:53

this alone because this is troublesome

1:20:56

and I love you said yourself, you got a whole man

1:20:58

at home, and if you listen to

1:21:00

this show, Kelly, you'll understand the struggles

1:21:03

of being single, okay, and

1:21:07

also friends again. It sounds like Kelly

1:21:10

is about to enter into that new monogamy,

1:21:12

enter into that space of emotional

1:21:15

ego, you know where that sense

1:21:17

of selfness and meanness. But

1:21:20

if you know you can stop this and like, never

1:21:22

do this ever again, then I

1:21:24

would say take it to the grave, just

1:21:27

bury it, take it to the grave, don't do it no more

1:21:29

ever ever. And if

1:21:31

you see Sis again, let her know, like you know, it

1:21:34

was fun, you know, you know I kind of got

1:21:36

feelings for you, but I got a man at home and I

1:21:38

love him, I adore him, and I don't want to do him dirty.

1:21:42

However, if you know you don't have a lot of self control,

1:21:45

okay, I would go ahead

1:21:47

and say you need to tell you man, because

1:21:49

the way you look at it is if he

1:21:52

was going to the gym and he

1:21:55

started working out with somebody, and

1:21:58

it could be a man or a woman. But because you're here's

1:22:00

the same sex. Let's make his same sex. Let's

1:22:02

let's make it hot. Let's put the dope on the table.

1:22:04

Says.

1:22:05

Let's say you dude was going to the gym and he was

1:22:07

working out, and he started working out with this guy, and

1:22:10

he started to have these feelings for this guy that he

1:22:12

had never felt for a man before. And

1:22:14

they made out in the car and he

1:22:16

started having feelings for him, and he

1:22:18

decided, you know, I'm

1:22:21

gonna see what this do. I'm gonna see what to do. In

1:22:23

your words, Kelly, what would you want to happen?

1:22:26

Of course, you wouldn't want him to do it in the first place,

1:22:28

But would you want him to tell you

1:22:31

if he planned on continuing this or

1:22:33

he really wanted to pursue it, or see where it went,

1:22:36

or would you not want him to tell you if he was

1:22:39

going to be able to like make a hard stop.

1:22:42

Were not doing this no more? Ever, again, I

1:22:44

got a whole woman at home. I don't want to do this. So

1:22:47

in this situation, I can't really tell you what

1:22:49

to do. I can tell you what I would do.

1:22:53

I would do the hard stop like

1:22:55

I wouldn't like whether it was

1:22:57

a man or a woman, or whoever it was. If

1:22:59

I did something where I stepped outside of my relationship,

1:23:03

I would have to pump them brakes. And I'm

1:23:05

not pumping the brakes. I'm hitting the

1:23:08

brakes. I'm not sliding

1:23:10

on the dime. I'm gonna stop on a nickel. I gotta stop

1:23:12

because my relationship hopefully

1:23:15

would be more would mean excuse

1:23:17

me, more to me than you know, a little

1:23:20

bit of fun. If I know that I don't

1:23:22

have that willpower, that that controller.

1:23:24

If this person just does something to me and just makes

1:23:26

me feel hot all over my

1:23:29

skin, then I'm gonna have to tell

1:23:31

my dude. I'm gonna have to tell them. But

1:23:33

I think that just knowing who I am, I'm just gonna

1:23:35

stop. I'm gonna stop, and I'm gonna be like, look,

1:23:38

you gotta stay away from me. I gotta stay away from you. I

1:23:40

would go so far as to switch gems if I

1:23:42

had to to avoid it, because I don't

1:23:45

want to really do that, you know,

1:23:47

because when I think about it happening to me,

1:23:49

like it would infuriate me and make me live

1:23:51

in and make me want to hurt somebody, So why

1:23:54

even do that?

1:23:56

So that's what I would say, Kelly, this is a hum danger.

1:23:59

But you know, you had a little bit of fun. If you can stop.

1:24:02

Stop. If you can't, you kind of got to talk

1:24:04

to your man about it. You really do.

1:24:06

And the only thing about talking to your man

1:24:09

about it, though, is that that opens

1:24:11

up a can of worms. Man, it does,

1:24:13

because I come from the train of thought

1:24:15

that I'm not a cheater.

1:24:17

It's just it's not what I really do.

1:24:20

However, you know, if I'm in a relationship,

1:24:23

you know, and you cheat on me, like

1:24:25

you open up the floodgates for you

1:24:28

know, anything

1:24:30

to happen.

1:24:30

Anything is possible.

1:24:32

So if you don't want me to ever cheat on you,

1:24:34

I really suggest that you have some self control

1:24:36

because you don't want me

1:24:39

to turn that on. And I don't want to

1:24:41

turn it on. I would just want to be with you. You

1:24:43

know, I really want to try to just be

1:24:45

with you and only you. If

1:24:48

you really don't want me to do that, then I

1:24:50

suggest that you have some respect for our relationships.

1:24:53

So, Kelly, good luck. I'm gonna want

1:24:55

to follow up the same way I had to follow

1:24:57

up a few months ago with Miss Levo

1:25:00

uh from Las Vegas. Y'all remember miss Levo

1:25:02

miss LeVaux was getting her whole freaking amids

1:25:04

the COVID right with the neighbor, Kelly,

1:25:07

I'm gonna need a follow up. So I'm

1:25:09

gonna email you because I'm gonna

1:25:11

need to follow up. I'm gonna wait a little while, but I'm gonna need

1:25:13

to follow up either next

1:25:16

episode or like in a couple

1:25:18

episodes, because I want to know what you did. Okay,

1:25:21

So y'all just be prepared for me to get

1:25:23

some more information from Kelly because I want

1:25:25

to know what she decided to do. So,

1:25:35

friends and Ken, I'm gonna go straight to it.

1:25:37

This poet has been featured before during

1:25:40

Hour We Gotta Do Better segment, and

1:25:42

I love her work. I've said it before. It's

1:25:45

no secret I own both of her books. I think

1:25:47

a new book is coming out. I'm gonna check it out.

1:25:50

I'm gonna do some research because i haven't really

1:25:52

been focused on it. But I've said it before, so

1:25:54

let me just get to the dough. This

1:25:57

is a perfectly selected

1:25:59

quote for this episode and the conversation

1:26:01

that I had with Bianca, and I kind of want to pat

1:26:03

myself on the back and go get myself a treat

1:26:06

for this, So let's just get into it. Someone

1:26:12

can be madly in love with you and still

1:26:14

not be ready. They can love

1:26:17

you in a way you have never been loved and still

1:26:19

not join you on the bridge, and

1:26:21

whatever their reasons, you must

1:26:24

leave because you never

1:26:26

ever have to inspire anyone

1:26:29

to meet you on the bridge. You

1:26:31

never ever have to convince someone

1:26:34

to do the work to be ready. There

1:26:36

is more extraordinary love,

1:26:39

more love that you have never seen out

1:26:41

here in this wide and wild universe.

1:26:45

And there is the love that will

1:26:47

be ready. Now you're Awaid

1:26:50

is a bad Mamma, jamma.

1:26:53

If you are a fan of poetry and prose,

1:26:55

you gotta get into her stuff. You've got to own both

1:26:58

of her books, and when the next one comes out, I'm

1:27:00

definitely buying it. Matter of fact, let me get

1:27:02

off of here and go see if it's out already. And if

1:27:04

you know if it's out already, send me a DM

1:27:06

or something. Let us just to know if you got

1:27:09

the inside track, friends

1:27:14

and ken. I want to say thank you first

1:27:17

of all to God, of

1:27:19

course, because that's how we get down here

1:27:21

and hand me my purse. I

1:27:23

also want to say thank you to my guest

1:27:26

Bianca B Jamil B whatever

1:27:28

you want to call her. I'm a caller sis,

1:27:30

I'm a caller friend. I'm a caller homegirl.

1:27:33

That's my boo.

1:27:34

I want to thank her for taking time out

1:27:36

of her busy day to be

1:27:39

in space and share energy with me and

1:27:41

have this conversation with me.

1:27:43

I appreciate it.

1:27:44

I'm gonna link like I said her

1:27:46

Instagram in the show notes sook, because I implore

1:27:49

you to go check her voice out.

1:27:51

She has a beautiful voice.

1:27:53

I also want to thank my family, my friends,

1:27:55

my supporters, and of course you guys out there listening.

1:27:58

I appreciate you so much more than you'll

1:28:00

ever understand, and I can't wait

1:28:02

until the next time we get to do this again. Don't

1:28:04

forget that this is part two in

1:28:07

a three and maybe four part

1:28:09

series about the culture of

1:28:11

dating in the black community. And

1:28:14

so I want you to definitely

1:28:16

check the third part out, which

1:28:19

is the next episode that's coming out. And if

1:28:21

you haven't listened to the first episode in

1:28:23

the series, go back and listen to it. So it's episodes

1:28:26

twelve, thirteen, and fourteen, and possibly

1:28:28

fifteen. Now,

1:28:30

before you exit out of whatever streaming

1:28:33

service you are using to listen to this episode,

1:28:35

I want you to stop for a second, go

1:28:38

click subscribe or follow if

1:28:40

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1:28:42

on over to Instagram and follow me at hand

1:28:45

Me My Purse Underscore Podcast.

1:28:48

You can also follow me on Twitter at.

1:28:51

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1:28:54

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1:28:56

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1:28:59

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1:29:01

Podcasts or Stitcher or any

1:29:03

other medium that allows you to do so, please

1:29:06

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1:29:08

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1:29:11

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1:29:13

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1:29:15

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1:29:17

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1:29:20

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1:29:22

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1:29:26

notes are available at hand

1:29:28

mempurse dot buzzsprout

1:29:30

dot com. And also the

1:29:32

opening and closing music that you hear

1:29:35

that so many of you have asked me about is

1:29:37

provided by Gloomy Tunes.

1:29:40

Here's the awesome thing about gloomy Tunes. Gloomy

1:29:42

Tunes is actually comprised of a

1:29:45

few students, really just two students

1:29:47

that graduated from the school where I work,

1:29:50

and I wanted to pay it forward, so I paid

1:29:52

them to make me some beats, and I gotta say they.

1:29:55

Hit the nail on the head.

1:29:57

Please submit all of your questions for the straight

1:29:59

facts segment and photos,

1:30:01

stories or quotes from your aunties too. Hello

1:30:03

at hand memipurse dot com, or

1:30:06

feel free to send me a DM on Instagram.

1:30:09

If you're interested in being included in any

1:30:11

of the polls that I take or surveys

1:30:13

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1:30:16

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1:30:18

list.

1:30:19

And just an fy just in case

1:30:21

you forgot, you.

1:30:22

Can expect a brand new episode of Hand Me

1:30:25

My Purse the podcast on the first

1:30:27

and fifteenth of every single month, so

1:30:30

the same way you expected those checks

1:30:32

on the first and the fifteenth early in

1:30:34

the morning. You already know your girl is going

1:30:36

to have you covered on those days

1:30:38

again the first and fifteenth of every month

1:30:41

on your podcast streaming services such

1:30:43

as Apple Podcasts,

1:30:46

Spotify, stitcher Ds

1:30:49

are for my international friends and Ken and

1:30:51

anywhere else you may even think that you can

1:30:54

find it, or you can just go straight

1:30:56

to my bus Sprout website and

1:30:58

find it there.

1:31:00

I look forward to you, looking forward to

1:31:02

listening, and I'm out this bitch.