0:02

Lemonade. So

0:07

this past week has been Health

0:10

Week. Do

0:33

you guys have this? Do you do this? I

0:36

hate doctor's appointments of

0:39

any, all kinds. I just can't

0:41

stand them. So I try to schedule

0:43

as many as possible back to back in the same

0:45

week to just knock them all out. So

0:48

that was this past week for me. I had a

0:52

Pap smear, a mammogram, an

0:54

ultrasound. Don't be

0:56

scared. They're regular checkups

0:59

for me. I believe most women start

1:01

getting mammograms when they're 40. I

1:04

started when I was 25 because

1:08

my mom was diagnosed with stage

1:10

4 cancer when she

1:12

was 36 or 37 years old. And

1:18

so that's always what's on my order form.

1:20

Every time I get a mammogram right

1:23

there written on the order form, it's

1:25

like mammogram plus ultrasound, bilateral. And

1:28

then where it says reason, the doctor writes.

1:31

Well, she writes two things. The first thing she writes

1:34

is mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 36. The

1:37

second thing she writes is dense breasts,

1:40

which I

1:43

don't know if that's a compliment, but it sure as hell

1:45

doesn't sound like one. Like

1:47

dense breasts, can't you describe it a little

1:49

bit differently? I don't like

1:51

it. Every time I see that on the form, I'm

1:53

like embarrassed to hand in the form. I'm like,

1:55

I'm here for the mammogram for my dense breasts. Sounds

2:00

great. So I had

2:02

those and then I also had genetic testing.

2:04

It was easy enough. It

2:07

was in just like a boring looking

2:09

regular seeming doctor's office. But

2:12

you know, it is weird sometimes because like

2:16

I walk in and everybody tries to look

2:18

busy like that they're

2:20

looking at me because they recognize

2:22

me. It

2:25

didn't happen in the mammogram. It happened at the ultrasound,

2:27

which is where they do the jelly and all that.

2:30

And so my boobs just like flopped out

2:32

facing this woman. She's like, yes, so my

2:34

daughter got your book. Twenty

2:36

five. She gave it to me

2:38

and I thought, oh, is she trying to tell

2:40

me something? And I thought, oh, no, she wouldn't.

2:42

I'm a good mom. Yeah, I think I'm a

2:44

good mom. So I went ahead and read it.

2:46

Wow. You've been through some shit, girl. Like she's

2:48

talking to me like this with my breasts just

2:50

like in her fucking face. And

2:54

it was very funny. But

2:57

also it's like, yeah, I know I put all

2:59

that stuff in a book and I know people

3:01

can read a lot of stuff, all these intimate

3:03

details about my life. But also I

3:05

didn't expect the person giving me an ultrasound

3:07

to necessarily have read it. Like you don't

3:09

take into account that

3:12

perhaps the ultrasound

3:15

technician wielding the

3:17

medical tool around your breast

3:19

repeatedly might

3:21

have read your book.

3:25

So anyway, those

3:27

various appointments were all just kind of the

3:31

appetizer courses. It was all leading up

3:33

to like the main event, the main

3:35

dish, which was an appointment

3:38

about egg freezing, about

3:42

getting my eggs frozen. I

3:44

went to this appointment and I feel

3:49

like a child. I'm

3:51

a small woman. You know, I've got

3:53

some curves. I've got some tips. I've

3:55

got some ass, but I'm

3:57

also like small and I definitely look like

3:59

a child. younger than my age but for

4:02

forgive other I just feel like. A.

4:04

Child. And something about

4:06

walking into like an egg freezing appointment.

4:09

Just. Made me feel. I've. Never felt

4:11

more seven in my life. Absolutely.

4:15

Including was actually seven Seven. I forgot

4:17

Forty Five Of Watt. What? What happened

4:19

here? There is forty five an hour.

4:21

Seven And I'm seven One. Thirty One.

4:24

Life is weird. Aging

4:26

is odd. So

4:29

I go to this appointment and

4:31

the doctor is so kind like see

4:33

his thorough he not do that as

4:35

idyllic. Every doctor I go in

4:37

there like stepping backwards from the room

4:40

before they even entered be like they

4:42

can't Fucking yeah they're quick as they

4:44

say words that not make any

4:46

sense but this doctor with not that

4:49

way she was very thorough very. You

4:52

know, thoughtful with continuously asked if I had follow

4:54

up questions and seems like the actually cared she

4:57

wasn't much yummy thought questions and then onto. The

4:59

next part of hers spills to like

5:01

actually waiting for response and and and

5:04

seemed genuinely curious and genuinely. Compassionate.

5:09

But. It

5:11

was this fucking scariest. Our.

5:13

Religious probably. Or an hour that me, privacy. Over

5:15

an hour. It was

5:18

on the scariest. At.

5:20

It like doctor health experiences

5:22

of my life. And

5:25

just daunting. Like the sheer amount of information,

5:27

I honestly have not looked into it very

5:30

much before I went to disappointment I didn't

5:32

second know. I just thought like okay I'm

5:34

thirty one I know that there's something a

5:37

little biological clock and a Hitler in a

5:39

that less eggs as you age as a

5:41

woman. So. Let me go to

5:43

see about that. makes it an. Answer:

5:46

So just vetoes her parents. See, you

5:48

all know, I do not feel in

5:50

any way, shape or form like I

5:53

want kids. I cannot imagine a world

5:55

in which someday I want kids. But.

5:59

I. Am also open to my mind changing. right?

6:02

I'd I'd I'd have changed a lot as a

6:04

person in my years. so far unexpected and hope

6:06

to continue changing and when I don't want to

6:08

happen is for me to turn. Forty.

6:11

And realize fuck I want kids now and

6:13

then I don't have enough eggs to make

6:15

it happen and i know there's alternatives but

6:18

just i just wanted to to have hear

6:20

about the the the possibility in what that

6:22

might look like. I

6:25

was not ready for all that I heard. Oh

6:27

My. God. It was a jarring slap

6:29

in the face. She's lakes in oath

6:31

eat healthier eggs during remember this This

6:33

is actually not gonna be accurate but

6:35

like you'll get the just like the

6:37

scary this was or the scary Mrs.

6:39

properly demonstrated here. I'm It was like

6:41

you're you're born five hundred thousand eggs

6:43

and half of those are gone by

6:45

the time. Years, Five years and the

6:47

like. That was it by the time

6:49

he reach puberty. See.

6:52

It's a good thing I'm. Not a doctor, but. The.

6:54

So you have this many less eggs and then

6:57

every year at that point on you lose that

6:59

You know that many more and. Issues

7:02

she said it was it's like significantly different

7:04

the the the success rate is significantly different

7:06

every six months basically from this point on

7:08

as I age so if I get my

7:11

egg frozen to like it there's there's no

7:13

better time The Now When it comes to

7:15

everything except for five years ago I'm like

7:17

oh my god I feel attacked but she

7:20

was is no time. analogies do it and

7:22

when a wherever you bought it in your

7:24

and your schedule to do it and and

7:26

something to keep in mind is that you.

7:29

Will. Have. Mood swings

7:32

you'll have. Cramps

7:34

like a period you'll have. It'll

7:36

be really, really like an amplified

7:38

period. I'm. Differ from

7:41

that period you're releasing. One.

7:43

Egg and for this year you're gonna

7:46

be like. Harvesting

7:48

issue of that so nasty.

7:50

Iona Harvest any fucking eggs.

7:52

No thank you Earth. It

7:56

whatever isn't a lot. It's if he'd be like

7:58

twenty times the strength of a period. You.

8:01

Guys that was. The

8:03

last fucking thing I needed to

8:05

hear my periods. Debilitate

8:08

me my period or so

8:10

painful. I have seen several

8:12

gynecologists about this about how

8:14

to kind of work with

8:16

my periods more because I

8:18

feel bad written I feel

8:20

I'm. So moody. So

8:22

so so moody. The cramps

8:24

are. Excruciating. Like.

8:27

I'm rolling over, I moaning and

8:30

groaning. p Pads help kind of

8:32

more than anything am. I also

8:34

take medicine on my period to

8:36

to help alleviate the pain but

8:38

I feel brain fog migraines. My

8:41

skin breaks out horribly like I

8:43

feel like a goblin for two

8:45

days of the of the month.

8:47

Every month during my period, Twenty

8:49

times that I genuinely don't have.

8:52

I guess I can handle that.

8:54

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for 25% off. So,

12:30

the two week process and you're injecting yourself

12:33

with hormones and then there's also the

12:36

aspect of like actually retrieving the eggs, which

12:38

she like draws me, or there's like a little picture

12:40

and she's like, you know, drawing on the little

12:42

graphic. So she's like circling whatever my ovaries

12:45

and she's saying, oh, so we're just gonna inject you, we're

12:47

gonna stick a needle up your vagina. These

12:51

words, these words are so important. So,

12:53

I'm like, oh, so you're gonna inject me with hormones and

12:55

then you're gonna inject me with hormones and then you're gonna

12:58

inject me with a needle down your vagina. These words,

13:00

my ears are tingling as I'm saying this out

13:02

loud. Oh, my god. So,

13:05

she starts describing this process, this procedure

13:07

in depth where they are literally putting

13:09

a needle in your vagina, just

13:12

you know, a regular Tuesday and

13:15

I'm feeling very dizzy.

13:18

Luckily, she had handed me a water earlier so I start kind

13:20

of chugging the water. My eyes kind of start twitching and I'm

13:22

trying to not look like

13:24

a fucking weirdo while listening

13:26

to this doctor kindly relate in

13:29

detail how that needle's gonna just

13:31

shoot up my vagina. And

13:35

so, eventually that portion's done. I don't

13:37

pass out. I'm feeling like, okay, surely

13:40

the worst is over. But she starts

13:42

going into how my

13:44

body's gonna feel like I'm pregnant and might

13:47

even look like I'm pregnant. And she goes,

13:49

you would feel it because you're petite, she

13:51

said. And she's like, you would likely feel

13:54

like you're very pregnant. And have

13:56

a lot of those symptoms and your body would really reflect that. I

14:00

left that appointment horrified. I'm

14:03

hearing my body's gonna look and feel like I'm

14:05

pregnant. I'm gonna have difficulties

14:08

and emotionality, mood swings,

14:10

hormonal charges, 20 times

14:12

that of

14:14

a regular period. And

14:17

I'm gonna have needles up my vagina? That

14:21

sounds like fucking hell. No thank you. And

14:23

it's especially difficult to want to or feel inspired

14:26

to do that when I do not feel like

14:28

I want children. Also, any time

14:30

I say I don't want children, you know what I hear?

14:32

People say, but you'd be such a

14:34

good mom. Yeah, it's not about that. It

14:36

is not about that. Thanks so much, Darlene. I don't

14:39

know. I feel like women who like use

14:41

that kind of voice. I've got to be named Darlene.

14:44

Her name's Darlene. She's got

14:46

a perm and she makes a mean

14:48

green bean casserole. But

14:54

I just feel like no

14:57

part of me feels motivated to freeze my eggs

14:59

when I don't think I want to be a

15:01

mom. But

15:03

what if somebody changed my mind? And

15:06

so I'm trying to decide whether or

15:08

not to freeze my eggs. Honestly,

15:11

now I'm just thinking about Jurassic Park. Like saying eggs

15:13

makes me think of Jurassic Park. Yeah,

15:16

I don't want to fucking be a mom. I want to go watch Jeff

15:18

Goldblum. So

15:22

I'm trying to decide whether or not to freeze my eggs

15:25

or embryos or whatever the fuck. But

15:28

I'm struggling because I'm trying to bet

15:30

on my future self wanting a thing

15:32

that my current self can't imagine wanting

15:35

versus just not doing

15:37

it and risking that someday I might want

15:40

it and not be able to do it

15:42

then. Like I'm trying to weigh

15:44

these options here and it's quite

15:47

complex to be honest. I

15:50

felt dizzy afterward and I felt I was just

15:52

like going on a walk and really considering

15:56

it and just

15:58

feeling confronted with kind of. of aging

16:01

and who I am now versus who I

16:04

might be someday and

16:08

how much I don't know about my future self.

16:10

I was just confronted with all these real, these

16:13

life realities that I frankly

16:16

didn't feel prepared for and

16:19

still don't. So I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm

16:22

glad that I got to share this though. And

16:24

I'm curious if any of you relate or kind

16:26

of struggling with whether or not to freeze

16:28

your eggs or embryos. And

16:31

that's all from me. I'm gonna go

16:34

extra prepared. There's

16:39

more hard feelings with Lemonada Premium. Subscribers get

16:41

exclusive access to bonus content and you can

16:43

subscribe now in Apple Podcasts. I'm

16:46

Jeanette McCurdy, the creator, executive producer and

16:49

host of Hard Feelings. It's produced by

16:51

Lemonada Media in coordination with Happy Rage

16:53

Productions. Your production team is

16:56

Keegan Zemma, Aria Brachi and

16:58

Brian Castillo. Music is by

17:00

Hannes Brown. Steve Nelson, as

17:02

Lemonada's vice president of weekly content.

17:04

Rachel Neal as Lemonada's senior director

17:07

of new content. Executive producers

17:09

are Stephanie Whittles-Wax, Jessica

17:11

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