0:08

Welcome to Heaving Bosoms, the

0:10

podcast where fantastic long

0:12

distance friends recap romance novels

0:15

and other delicious kissing media

0:18

while going on tangents and laughing

0:20

her faces off. Hey,

0:22

hps I'm

0:25

back. Uh, and

0:27

I have to say this is the

0:29

perfect episode to come back

0:31

with because things

0:34

get appropriately silly

0:36

when you mix J t t holiday shenanigans

0:39

with real life best friends, Sierra

0:41

Simone and Julie Murphy, especially

0:44

when we have to introduce a new segment.

0:47

Bing Bong. Outlandish

0:49

history facts with Sierra, but

0:52

before we get to that, I've got some

0:55

business to attend to and

0:57

it's serious. I

0:59

don't know if you noticed, but it's

1:01

reading. Embrace Season, y'all. That's

1:04

right. We have arrived.

1:07

So send your reading. Embrace

1:09

entries to Heaving Bosoms [email protected]

1:13

by Friday, December 30th. If

1:16

you want to be shouted out in our celebration

1:18

episode in January. Look,

1:20

you've worked so hard on it all year,

1:23

or maybe you completely forgot

1:25

and are looking at it for the first time right now.

1:28

We don't care. It's an embrace.

1:31

I want to envelop everyone

1:33

in my bosoms and in

1:35

your email, if you also wanna use

1:37

that opportunity to tell a fun

1:39

or heartwarming story, there's a good chance

1:41

I'll read it on the podcast. December

1:44

30th. It's a hard deadline.

1:47

I mean, unless you have to email it late,

1:49

but you also managed to get it in before

1:52

we record the episode. In that case, you'll

1:54

probably still make it all right. Again,

1:57

embrace energy, not

1:59

challenge energy. I'll

2:01

have some more announcements coming soon, so

2:04

stay tuned. Oh,

2:07

my actual goddess. This week

2:10

we get to hang out with Sierra

2:12

Simone and Julie Murphy.

2:14

They are real life best friends and

2:17

they co-wrote a Merry Little Meat, cute,

2:19

which is the Christmas book

2:22

I've always wanted. There's

2:24

a plus size porn star who

2:27

accidentally gets cast in a Hallmark movie. There's

2:30

a former. Boy band, bad

2:32

boy who's trying to like make

2:34

a comeback and revamp his image.

2:37

Like there's a dive bar called The Dirty

2:39

Snowball for Rudolph's sake. But

2:43

in addition to writing a holiday book

2:45

just for me, they did

2:47

me the service of introducing me

2:49

to J T T Christmas Magic.

2:52

So let's get to the recap of

2:54

I'll be home for Christmas. Hello,

3:05

Hello?

3:06

Hello? Hello,

3:07

We have Sierra Simone and

3:09

Julie Murphy here, and

3:12

I'm stoked about it.

3:14

So, I don't know if I told you this, but

3:16

I'm a Parasocial creeper, and

3:19

I did know that you two were

3:21

friends before. but

3:23

when I heard you guys are writing together, I

3:26

almost fell over. so

3:28

that's kinda what I wanna talk about, working with your

3:30

best friend,

3:32

well, we should probably go back to the beginning, shouldn't

3:34

we, Julie?

3:35

Yeah. Yeah,

3:36

been a long and storied, uh,

3:38

you know, hero's journey for us.

3:41

it's true. And it, oh, and it started

3:43

with like several tropes as well.

3:45

yes.

3:46

One bed

3:47

Oh,

3:48

one bed, forced proximity.

3:51

Yeah. Yeah.

3:52

oh. All the best stories. Ugh.

3:54

Back in 2014 when we were both

3:56

YA authors, one of our friends, it

3:58

was our debut year for a lot of us, and

4:00

we weren't getting a lot of publisher

4:02

attention because we were just a bunch

4:05

of floundering debuts. And

4:07

one of our friends decided she was going

4:09

to rent a minivan and

4:12

drive several of us around the

4:14

Midwest and visit as many bookstores as we could.

4:16

Oh,

4:17

It was really sweet. And also something

4:19

I would never think to organize myself

4:21

so good on her. so

4:25

she called me and said, Hey,

4:27

I would love for you to come

4:29

with me and my spouse.

4:31

Th this is Natalie Parker and Tessa Gratin

4:33

for anyone wondering. And then, um,

4:36

you know, could you like,

4:38

you know, would you be willing to share a bed

4:40

with this third ya writer,

4:42

Sierra Simone? And I was like, I

4:44

don't know who that is. And

4:47

I hate strangers and

4:49

I also hate sharing rooms with people. But

4:51

I don't wanna say no to you cuz our friendship

4:53

is new and I wanna, I wanna

4:55

be nice and play well with others. So

4:58

I said yes and you

5:00

know, I flew into Kansas where everybody

5:03

lived. That's where we were starting, and

5:05

we drove straight to Sierra's house

5:07

and I said, hi, I'm Julie

5:09

Murphy and I snore.

5:11

Yeah.

5:13

And I said, I

5:15

said That's okay. I have narcolepsy and I

5:17

can sleep through anything

5:19

Match. Made in

5:20

Yeah.

5:21

made in heaven. It was, it was really

5:23

like insta love from then on out.

5:25

It's so true. So,

5:28

uh, yeah, it, it really just

5:31

completely evolved, or should I say

5:33

devolved from there, Um,

5:35

we spent a lot of time in the back of a minivan

5:38

and, um, sipping hot beverages

5:40

and, and like, you know, napping

5:43

at will and Yeah,

5:45

it was just magic.

5:47

A book tour put together with Scotch Tape

5:49

and a Dream. I love it.

5:53

I love that.

5:54

what it was.

5:54

Exactly what it was. Perfect description.

5:58

And so we like meshed

6:00

immediately, like just immediately became

6:03

best friends. And, uh,

6:05

we learned through being best friends that we

6:07

are both vampires and

6:10

we have vampire work habits. And

6:13

so this not only led to us being

6:15

sort of like virtual work buddies

6:17

in the sense that we would write together

6:19

at night, sprint together at night when we were both awake.

6:21

but we started doing retreats with just the two

6:23

of us so that we could kind of keep our vampire.

6:26

work hours going. so we

6:28

would have these retreats where we would

6:31

find a cabin in the woods, and invariably

6:33

for our schedules, it would always work out that it

6:36

was around Christmas. And so

6:38

the cabin would be like all decked out for Christmas.

6:40

You know, they'd have all their TJ Max Christmas

6:42

decorations out or whatever. And

6:45

so we would sleep in as late as we wanted

6:48

and then we would wake up, you know, a little bit before

6:50

lunch, and then get started for the day and then

6:52

work late into the night. And

6:54

we would reward ourselves with Christmas movies

6:56

and pie when, when

6:59

we got all of our words done. And so

7:01

that was, that was sort of the,

7:03

uh, the melu if you, if you will, of

7:05

how the, the books itself

7:08

started to come together.

7:09

Yeah. Yeah.

7:10

hot geniuses. Ugh. Christmas

7:12

movies and Pie. I can't

7:16

I

7:16

wondering that when we were recording yesterday, like

7:18

why, why it was Christmas movies

7:20

specifically that you had watched so

7:22

many like together or talked

7:24

about or whatever. And this makes a lot more sense.

7:26

Yeah. Hallmark is the reason for the season.

7:29

Baby

7:29

Ah-huh.

7:31

and so many of these cabins didn't have like

7:33

Netflix or like anything like that, but

7:35

we could always find the Hallmark Channel. So,

7:38

and those play 24 hours a day in

7:40

December. Yeah.

7:42

Ah, it's nuts. Yeah. Yeah.

7:45

Hallmark knows where their bread is. Buttered,

7:46

Yeah,

7:47

a very deep, well, I mean, it's

7:49

like when you think that, you know, it's like

7:51

one of those horror movies where like the hallway

7:53

stretches on and on and on. Like

7:55

that is how many movies Hallmark

7:57

has. Like you will never get to the bottom

7:59

of Hallmark's. Movie bucket

8:02

Mm-hmm. Never. And

8:05

so you decided to take the Hallmark

8:07

Christmas movie and make

8:09

it incredible and smutty

8:11

and fabulous for the romance world.

8:14

I mean, we tried it all. I mean, we

8:16

were just sitting there one night with like pie

8:19

on our chest

8:20

Yes.

8:21

and just shoveling it into our face when

8:23

like we were watching it, especially,

8:26

I shouldn't say bad, I should say

8:28

rough around the edges raw and

8:30

especially raw Hallmark movie.

8:33

And one of us turned to the other and just

8:35

was like, this really isn't so different

8:37

from a lot of other movies that you might watch alone

8:39

at night. And then it just,

8:42

Spiraled outta control

8:43

It spiraled. Here's the thing that

8:46

I'll say about working with your best friend,

8:48

and you might know something about this melody because you

8:50

frequently work with your best friends, but

8:53

as a best friend, you're constantly

8:55

hyping each other up, right? Like, should

8:57

I buy this pair of pink pants I found

8:59

online? Should I go get myself

9:01

a little, like, treat from the refrigerator, should

9:03

I go do this? And then the best friend

9:05

is always like, yeah, yeah, you definitely should, you should

9:07

do that because we love each other. But

9:10

then when you're working on a project together,

9:12

It becomes dangerous and you're like, oh my God, that's amazing

9:15

idea. Let's do that. That's an amazing idea.

9:17

Let's do that. And then we just never said

9:19

no to each other. through the

9:21

entire process.

9:23

and here we are.

9:24

And here we are.

9:26

I mean, Sarah, you were the accidental

9:28

victim of Jenny and Katie and

9:30

I figuring out that like

9:32

that's our dynamic as a trio

9:34

with peculiar tastes like, and this,

9:37

we, we came to you as it as

9:39

an anthology, and then by the end of

9:41

it there was a Kickstarter, there was all

9:43

of the art. It was

9:44

Sexy stickers. Yeah.

9:46

like

9:48

As a bystander, I have to say

9:50

that watching that process happen,

9:52

like it was suddenly like, Hey, I am like,

9:55

you know, putting away or putting aside like

9:57

a week or two to write the anthology, and suddenly

9:59

it was like I wrote a book,

10:01

I wrote a book. Mm-hmm.

10:02

on Kickstarter.

10:04

To be fair, that is the sea amount

10:06

process where I'm like, I'm just gonna write this short

10:08

little anthology story. And then I'm like, oh,

10:10

I, I accidentally wrote a whole book, Whoops,

10:14

I do that to

10:15

I mean, and thankfully, pretty much all of the

10:17

authors did the same thing, which was

10:19

amazing cuz we were like, can we make them

10:21

books? And then we realized, oh, we

10:23

have them already. This is a great

10:27

But it's a really like generative

10:29

process

10:30

Mm

10:31

what I found is that when you're not with

10:33

people that you trust, you know, implicitly

10:35

and intellectually and creatively, you

10:38

don't, you don't find yourself in that space.

10:40

You don't find yourself in that what if

10:42

or what if we did this space? Because

10:44

you're so worried about kind of guarding your

10:47

yourself, you know? And so when you're with someone

10:50

that you already trust, or those boundaries

10:52

are already lowered, I think that allows

10:54

you to be so much more expansive and lateral

10:57

in your thinking, and that's how you end

10:59

up with a. Dirty Christmas

11:01

book that's sort of wholesome and also has

11:03

a time traveling Duke and a boy band in it,

11:06

because you just never say no to

11:08

each

11:08

That's right. That's right. And

11:11

that's what makes it beautiful, Yeah.

11:15

I love the book. Um, I'm so excited

11:17

that y'all are doing another one. It's

11:20

amazing. Oh my God. And you brought

11:22

me another treat today that I had never seen.

11:25

Uh, we're doing, I'll

11:27

be home for Christmas with the one and only Jonathan

11:30

Taylor Thomas,

11:32

J T T J.

11:33

it's a T. t.

11:36

And an adorable Jessica Beal.

11:38

Oh my gosh. So adorable.

11:40

Well, and. Julie had

11:42

messaged me and been like, is Jessica Bee like

11:44

an adult woman in this? Like

11:47

she looks like she's an adult woman. And

11:49

I looked it up and she was only 16 or

11:51

17 when she made the movie.

11:54

It's just, we didn't know how to dress teenagers in the nineties,

11:56

I guess. And so

11:58

Or how to properly portray college,

12:00

like the college experience. What is

12:02

it?

12:03

it high school? Was it boarding school?

12:05

I had so many questions at the beginning

12:07

of the movie.

12:08

know, I know. Oh, okay. I guess we should

12:10

tell everyone what the movie is,

12:11

Yes. Yeah, so we're

12:13

trying to get Jonathan Taylor, Thomas home

12:15

for Christmas, uh, except he really

12:18

doesn't wanna do that. so,

12:20

j t t as like a

12:22

slick operator was

12:25

really, really fun. I

12:27

don't know cuz he is so goddamn charming,

12:30

just naturally

12:31

I like, this is probably too

12:34

much information for me to divulge in a podcast,

12:36

but I come from like a, a family

12:38

of organized crime and

12:40

it really did something for me to see

12:42

like cute little boys, a conman. I was

12:44

like, oh, this is sweet. This

12:46

is the happily ever after I've been dreaming of.

12:49

Absolutely. Yeah. So

12:52

he starts off and he's got

12:54

like, he's got like a, a friend

12:56

or a lackey who really knows

12:58

poor Ian. and it seems like

13:00

j t t is the brains of the operation.

13:03

And then Ian actually does the legwork

13:05

for all of his schemes

13:08

and he is in a bit of a pickle because

13:10

he wants to go to Cabos and Lucas

13:13

for Christmas with

13:15

his girlfriend and she wants

13:17

a family snow ridden

13:20

reindeer on the roof Christmas,

13:22

and they cannot understand

13:25

why the other one wants what they want.

13:27

Can I, can I just pause real fast

13:30

and say that at the beginning of the movie,

13:32

Jonathan Taylor Thomas has gotten a

13:35

ticket to go home to see his family,

13:37

which is a ticket to New York, and

13:40

he goes to Ian the lackey

13:42

and says, turn these into two tickets

13:44

to Cabo St. Louis by hacking into the net.

13:47

And then his lackey says, okay. And

13:49

then he goes and he hacks into the net

13:51

and he turns it into two tickets to Kaho

13:54

St.

13:54

he also ask for business class

13:56

maybe.

13:57

I think so.

13:59

But it's also in the same breath

14:01

where he asked for backstage passes to Dave

14:03

Matthews band, which is awesome. I

14:05

mean, that's, that's when I fell in love

14:08

with j t t cuz I was a big D

14:10

M B fan in my youth So

14:13

I was like, that's right. J t t knows what's

14:15

up. Let's go see Dave Matthew's Band.

14:17

I just really love that they are college students

14:19

in this and everyone else in this movie,

14:21

all the extras and side characters

14:24

other than Ian, j t t, and Jessica

14:26

Bele look like actual, like, you

14:28

know, seniors in college. But

14:31

these three inexplicably

14:33

look like they're 14.

14:34

Ab. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

14:36

can you even drive? Yeah. And

14:39

the college has lockers in the hallway.

14:41

Is this like, is this anyone else's college

14:43

experience?

14:44

is, what hap What's hap

14:46

That's why I was like, is it a high school boarding

14:49

school? I don't know.

14:51

And then it flashes up on screen. It's like LA

14:53

College or whatever, like whatever

14:55

Bland's name has.

14:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah, So,

14:58

boy does Ian hack into that net? And

15:01

she's super pissed because she's like, you can't,

15:04

you can't just take over my

15:06

Christmas plans. Like, that's ridiculous.

15:08

Stop being a selfish monster basically.

15:10

But also stop being so cute cuz I can't

15:12

stay mad at you. And that dynamic

15:14

was really perfect for the actors in,

15:17

in general, so

15:19

then as they're walking to class,

15:21

there's. Eddie, the man,

15:24

ed man. Do can, can somebody

15:26

explain Eddie for me?

15:28

Eddie. Eddie is like, okay,

15:31

hear me out. Eddie is the book two hero.

15:33

If this were a book, Eddie is the

15:34

Yes, yes,

15:37

He is, he's like the asshole

15:39

bully who every once in

15:41

a while you think, oh, he could be charming.

15:44

yes.

15:45

he just really does some irredeemable things.

15:47

But I have to admit, like I,

15:49

I had a little bit of a lady boner for

15:51

Eddie growing up. I was like, you could be mean

15:53

to me. I would accept it.

15:55

I could watch you be mean to other people.

15:58

And, and Eddie is very

16:00

like, singular in his goal,

16:02

which is kind of like a good foil to j

16:05

t t who almost has

16:07

the opposite of goals. Like he does not

16:09

want to do things. And so, but Eddie,

16:12

all Eddie wants is to impress Jessica Bee with

16:14

his car. A

16:15

Right. A

16:16

it is? A pathfinder,

16:18

It's a pathfinder

16:20

So he is, he's trying to impress

16:22

her as they're walking to class and he ends up backing

16:24

into a Beamer, and then he is like, Aw

16:27

man. Aw, shucks.

16:28

Uhhuh.

16:29

Plants foiled.

16:30

Yeah. And j t t's like finger guns

16:32

and I'm out. yeah.

16:35

And his, his singular obsession

16:37

with Jessica Beal is kind

16:39

of amazing in this book because, you know,

16:41

or in this movie, because, you know, in book

16:43

two, like when he finds the

16:45

right person for his affection, oh,

16:48

Yes. Yes.

16:51

And she does not make it easy on him.

16:54

She is like, she,

16:56

she is like, she's

16:57

she is like the quintessential 1999

17:00

feminist.

17:01

yes

17:02

mm-hmm.

17:03

don't you, don't you dare say

17:05

any of these awful things in my presence.

17:08

And also let's listen to Alanis.

17:09

Yes. Yeah. Yeah,

17:13

I vibed with her hard. alright,

17:16

so then we find out, because

17:18

his dad calls and

17:20

we find out that he hasn't been home

17:23

because there is a dead mom. Um,

17:26

poor j t t, dead mom alert,

17:28

he can't really handle it. And there's a stepmom

17:31

now and that seems to be

17:33

the pivotal issue

17:35

as to why he hasn't come home for

17:38

a while.

17:38

We also learn a very key piece of information,

17:41

which is that Jonathan Taylor Thomas's

17:43

dad is lumber from office

17:45

space, which I find very relevant, and

17:48

his little sister is Margie from Zenon Girl

17:50

of the 23rd century. That's not here nor

17:52

where she's from. Oh

17:54

my God. I was looking at her face being

17:57

like, where are you?

17:59

I was like, why am I seeing Zoom,

18:01

zoom, zoom in my head. That's right. Xenon

18:06

Yeah, he was also the data guy on

18:08

Veep, and I swear to God, he looks

18:10

identical to what he did in this

18:12

Mm-hmm. .Yeah.

18:13

I don't understand how time works

18:15

He actually just could have been like early stages

18:18

of his career. Like we could, we

18:20

could argue that this is just a prequel to Veep.

18:23

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. This

18:25

is what happens when he, when he goes home, every

18:28

once in a while when he leaves the office Um,

18:33

yeah. So the dad really, really,

18:35

really wants him to come home and he's just like, oh,

18:37

like, I don't, and he's making up every excuse

18:39

in the book. I have to join a circus,

18:42

I have to do anything else. And

18:44

the dad's like, okay, if you come

18:46

home and you're home by 6:00

18:48

PM on Christmas Eve for dinner,

18:51

I will give you the Porsche

18:54

that they've been re

18:57

What's that word? Why am I blanking? Restoring

19:02

Thank you, Sierra. Oh God, yeah.

19:05

They've been restoring it together

19:07

I was gonna say, giving it a makeover, which

19:09

is the wrong thing.

19:11

No, it's the same thing.

19:13

It's the same thing.

19:15

It

19:15

Porsche Makeover.

19:16

Makeover,

19:18

Yeah. So J T D

19:20

right now is like, all right, there's

19:22

literally nothing that can stop me from

19:24

getting home.

19:25

except for the consequences

19:27

of his own actions.

19:31

man, he thinks he's a slick

19:33

operator, but boy does he get like

19:35

stuck on a fly paper. Oh,

19:38

it's terrible. It's

19:40

terrible. So he

19:42

has this, he does, he does bad

19:44

fake IDs for a bunch of big, giant

19:46

jocks and to make up

19:48

who definitely don't need fake IDs

19:50

just to like reinforce

19:52

the site. This fact that like he is definitely

19:55

14 and everyone else is 24.

19:57

Th those three were 35.

19:59

If they were a day like, uh,

20:02

they were my peers. Hard

20:05

Um, so

20:08

anyway, to make up for it. He's

20:10

like, I'll get you answers for history

20:12

class, and then

20:15

you can pass the test. Except

20:17

that Eddie sees

20:19

the plan going down and

20:22

he follows Ian, poor sweet

20:24

Ian. Oh my God. He only

20:27

gets abused throughout this whole movie. I

20:29

Justice for Ian.

20:30

book three,

20:31

Ian is

20:32

Ian book three

20:33

yeah,

20:34

a novella. You know

20:35

yeah,

20:36

absolutely. And so

20:38

he stops him from giving

20:40

the history answers via

20:43

beepers.

20:44

This is a key part I feel like, is that

20:46

the way they're gonna cheat on the test? Is

20:49

that the cheaters

20:51

get the, the beepers and they have

20:53

them in class, and then the beepers will flash

20:55

with the answers like, number one, Frederick

20:58

Douglas. like they couldn't

21:00

remember Frederick Douglas from fourth

21:02

grade history.

21:05

They're 35. It's been a while.

21:11

Yeah. So he stops him. He puts him in his locker

21:13

again. He locks him in his locker. Poor

21:15

in college. His locker in college?

21:17

the one. Yeah. Still

21:19

just as restrictive. It's really odd.

21:22

Uh, yeah. And

21:24

so then the jocks are really super

21:26

mad and they track j t

21:28

t down at a. and

21:31

his plan, he's already made up with Jessica Beal

21:33

and he's like, I'll pick you up in the morning. I've

21:35

got two tickets back home and

21:37

I am a selfish mess because I only

21:40

want him Porsche. However it

21:42

seems like I'm being a great boyfriend.

21:44

And she's like, yay, see you tomorrow at 8:00

21:46

AM So he is getting sloshed at this party,

21:49

but he gets kidnapped

21:52

by the jocks to

21:54

get back at him for making

21:56

them ruin history

21:58

Mm-hmm.

22:00

And then he wakes up in the morning

22:02

and they do a big hangover on him. I

22:05

feel like How

22:07

He literally has a Santa beard glued

22:10

to his face and wakes up in like Joshua

22:12

Tree,

22:13

right?

22:14

don't know.

22:17

The desert with like buzzards

22:19

or vultures or whatever. Yeah,

22:22

Yeah. Like they

22:23

whole Santa suit.

22:25

Um, and then they put him out in the desert and they

22:27

really, I'm sorry, this is my 35

22:30

year old mind. They, they could have killed

22:32

him. Like, that's .That's

22:34

yeah,

22:35

yeah,

22:37

These are like the stories that Park Rangers

22:39

warn you about when you go out to

22:40

Absolutely.

22:42

Yeah. But he's in pretty good spirits

22:45

when he wakes up. It seems to me like he's

22:47

like, oh man.

22:48

not again.

22:49

Yeah, right. He's not panicking.

22:51

Nearly the amount that I read

22:53

A Sweet Valley High once where they were lost

22:55

in the desert overnight and it's no joke. It's very

22:58

scary. So I would've

22:59

it is. It's very scary.

23:02

And like, when, when is

23:04

the dehydration gonna get to you? Where,

23:07

when, is that a mirage or is it not? I don't

23:09

know.

23:11

Right? And doesn't the desert get really

23:13

cold in the winter because there's no moisture

23:15

in the air to like hold heat in or something.

23:17

There's so much science in that sentence.

23:20

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

23:21

Mm-hmm. Yep. Uhhuh.

23:23

Anyway, made the Santa beard, kept him warm.

23:26

Yeah.

23:27

Yeah, that's the thing, right? Like the Santa, the

23:29

whole Santa suit helped during the very,

23:31

very cold night. And then it gets extra

23:33

dangerous during the day because it's a,

23:36

like, all of it I feel like is glued to him.

23:38

They put super glue on the hat. I think

23:40

they put super glue on the collar. So

23:43

what's her name? Jessica Beal is

23:46

waiting for him to get picked up at like 8:00

23:48

AM and she's

23:50

like, he stood me up. He's the worst.

23:53

But Eddie's there to save

23:55

the day.

23:56

With his pathfinder.

23:58

this should have been Eddie's story. I'm just

24:00

saying, you know.

24:02

And, and Eddie lose

24:05

her into the Pathfinder by telling her

24:08

he has butt warmers on his

24:10

seat. And that is Julie and i's

24:12

love language. Like I would be like,

24:14

okay, I'm in like, say no more

24:16

Thank you for thinking of me

24:18

and my behind.

24:19

Yes. When you bought this car,

24:22

because it's not for warming butts, it's for

24:24

easing the, the pain in my lower back

24:27

cause I'm 30 something, whatever,

24:29

however old I

24:30

if you're ever having period cramps,

24:32

I highly recommend going for a drive

24:35

with them on high and that just like

24:37

heat seeping through your lower back. Oh,

24:39

it's so nice. Yeah.

24:41

That's really good. Well, yeah. And so

24:43

she's like, there are ground rules. If

24:45

you say anything, I'll slug you. If

24:48

you try to fuel me up, I'll slug you. I

24:50

really did appreciate that. She said

24:53

no, sexist racist or

24:55

homophobic jokes in my presence. Like

24:57

that actually made me really happy

24:59

Yeah, for, for 1998.

25:01

Yeah. I was,

25:04

I was pretty impressed by that. Yeah.

25:06

Yeah, absolutely. I, I watched,

25:08

um, clueless again last year

25:10

after a while and I was like, ah, oh

25:12

no. Like there's so much in it that

25:14

did not age well.

25:16

Paul Rudd has not aged, but that

25:18

movie has

25:19

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

25:22

So he gets

25:25

to a desert, mechanic

25:28

shop basically.

25:29

General Stor trading, post I,

25:31

Yeah. It's all of those

25:33

pony Express, stop. I'm not really sure.

25:37

he tries to call his dad and his dad thinks

25:40

that he is pulling a fast one on him again, and

25:42

he is like, I'm not sending you money. No,

25:44

this is ridiculous. Like, we have a deal, get

25:46

home or don't. And I

25:49

appreciated that out of Dad.

25:50

I really, I really thought that was

25:53

really clever character work. To

25:55

have something, to have a character

25:57

who's constantly telling Outlander stories

25:59

as sort of this slick con man and

26:02

then to have him thrown into

26:04

a genuinely like banana ball

26:06

situation that he can't even

26:08

explain without people thinking he is lying

26:11

cuz he lies so much. Like, I

26:13

thought that was a really good like setup

26:15

for the whole movie.

26:16

Absolutely. Because there's no

26:19

other reason for this very privileged,

26:21

very caring dad to be like,

26:23

go fuck yourself, be home for Christmas,

26:25

or don't

26:26

yeah. Right, right.

26:28

It makes so much sense. So then old

26:30

ladies come to the

26:32

Yes.

26:32

and they're like, oh, I heard

26:35

that your dad won't help you get home for

26:37

Christmas. And he's like, he does

26:39

the lying thing again. I don't even think he needs

26:41

to, it's just like knee

26:43

jerk reaction is, Nutty

26:45

story. So he

26:48

tells them that his dad has an operation

26:51

and he, he needs to get there to

26:53

be there in time to like be

26:55

there when the anesthesia wears off or whatever.

26:58

And she's like, oh sweetie, darling,

27:00

get into the backseat. We're going to Vegas

27:02

and we'll get you that far

27:04

To see Tom Jones. We're going to Vegas

27:06

to see Tom Jones

27:08

Jones girls.

27:11

And I was like, even in the nineties,

27:14

Shirley, he was old and

27:16

they were old. But indeed the old ladies are very

27:18

old. I mean, they are.

27:20

Yeah. It was one of those movie like mo movie

27:23

moments where I'm like, these people are no longer

27:25

alive. For sure.

27:27

Mm-hmm. .Yeah. Especially that

27:29

one that lost her teeth, you know?

27:31

Definitely not around anymore. Um,

27:35

yeah, so Shenanigans and Sue

27:37

in the car, he's not feeling well because

27:40

he was drunk and or roofied the night

27:42

before.

27:43

And his beard gets ripped off, though.

27:45

Oh my God.

27:46

They rip off his beard, and I just have to say,

27:48

it does not look like he's had permanent adhesive

27:51

stuck to his face. That was movie

27:53

Magic. J t t.

27:54

Yeah, he has every

27:56

single layer of skin still intact

27:59

and it's not physically possible.

28:01

yeah,

28:01

Right. yeah.

28:03

and Moisturized. Mm-hmm.

28:06

Yeah. So he ends up like throwing

28:09

up in the car because the old ladies

28:11

are being old with like pickles and

28:13

teeth and stuff, can't handle

28:15

it. Throws up in one of their handbags and

28:17

gets kicked the hell out. Which

28:20

I was like, good on you

28:22

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

28:23

Way to have good boundaries.

28:26

Yeah. Don't throw up in my mom's

28:28

purse. That's a, a good boundary for all

28:30

of

28:30

yeah. Absolutely.

28:33

Although there was one time I was in a cab with a friend

28:35

and I didn't wanna get thrown out of the

28:38

cab, and so, uh, she

28:40

was gonna throw up and I did just put my

28:42

purse underneath her

28:44

that's some self-sacrifice.

28:46

into my purse.

28:47

would never let someone forget that.

28:50

No,

28:52

I mean, like you're paying for every

28:54

Airbnb, every girl's trip

28:56

from now on.

28:59

because you puked in my

29:00

know, That's friendship.

29:01

Yeah,

29:03

That's

29:03

man. You're

29:04

friendship. in college.

29:05

real. Ride or die? Real ride or die

29:07

Yeah. So

29:10

when he gets thrown out across

29:12

the giant highway with, you

29:14

know, four lanes of traffic or whatever

29:17

he sees Allie stopped

29:19

at a little roadside farmer's

29:21

market situation

29:23

Yeah. Like buying avocados or something.

29:25

Yeah.

29:26

Just on our road trip. Gonna buy a watermelon

29:29

or like a

29:29

can I just pause for a minute and say,

29:32

who drives home for Christmas

29:34

when you are literally driving from coast to coast?

29:37

No one.

29:38

Because that's, if you combine those two

29:41

round, like the whole round trip, that's half your college,

29:43

that's half your winter break.

29:44

Yeah.

29:45

So I'm, I'm really,

29:47

uh, interested to know

29:49

the philosophy behind, like the drive

29:52

versus the flying.

29:53

Yeah. Maybe Eddie is scared of flying

29:55

or something.

29:56

Ooh, Yeah. He has to overcome

29:58

that in book two.

29:59

Mm-hmm. yeah, yeah,

30:02

He, oh my God. He ends up flying for

30:04

her

30:05

It'll be his grand gesture. Yeah.

30:07

Ah, yeah. I like

30:09

Oh man.

30:10

I'm really glad we wrote this together

30:12

Yeah.

30:16

So Eddie sees j t t and

30:18

he is like, hooah, get in the car,

30:20

we gotta go. And she's very confused

30:22

because she did not see the Santa across

30:25

the way that looks suspiciously like her boyfriend.

30:28

And he's like, no, please

30:30

stop. And they don't.

30:33

So he ends up trying to hitchhike and he's out there

30:35

for like, I don't know, a day

30:37

and a half Like it was

30:40

Yeah. It was a long time

30:41

he is like to mountains somehow.

30:44

somehow Like Colorado,

30:46

yeah, like I wa I wasn't sure what mountains

30:48

he had gotten to by this point, but he's

30:50

to some mountains and

30:53

he has to sleep in a sleigh one

30:55

night, like a, like the town squares

30:58

decoration of like a Santa Claus sleigh.

31:00

That was so

31:01

then it was cute. He gets kicked out

31:03

in the morning.

31:04

And.

31:05

by a stuff Santa, like by the Santa

31:07

that is actually supposed to sit

31:08

Yeah. And he had thrown the stuff

31:10

Santa out. I'm sitting there with my six

31:13

year old and when that

31:15

stuff Santa poked at him and looked

31:17

like it was talking, both of

31:19

us had a, had a frightened

31:21

reaction and like, that

31:24

makes sense for him. Okay. But

31:27

I'm a grown ass woman. Anyway,

31:31

somebody was holding that stuff Santa and it wasn't

31:33

nearly as scary as I thought it was. Um,

31:35

I thought this had turned into like an animatronic

31:38

nightmare. I don't know.

31:39

Yeah.

31:40

it really got me

31:42

It's like an episode of Dr. Who, where like

31:44

the stuffed Santa has come to

31:46

Oh God. Ugh. Oh,

31:48

it's like that mannequin episode. Oh.

31:50

Oh, yeah, that's a

31:52

good episode.

31:53

It really is yeah.

31:55

And so he is walking on the side of the road and

31:58

then this, this disaster criminal,

32:00

this sweet, sweet disaster. Criminal

32:03

decides that it's more important to get his

32:05

one slice of tomato off

32:08

the floor in the passenger

32:10

side, uh, foot. Well

32:12

then like drive in the snow.

32:15

It's fantastic. It's shenanigans.

32:17

it's total shenanigans.

32:19

Yeah. He nearly hits him on

32:21

the side of the road. He stops and he is

32:23

like, I've killed Santa. Oh my God. But

32:26

then he finds him 30 feet

32:28

if it was an inch, like he

32:31

slid so far, It

32:33

was amazing. But then they get into the

32:36

car and he's like, oh

32:38

yeah, I'll get you as far as this place,

32:40

or whatever okay. Jonathan

32:42

Taylor Thomas is like, it's been two hours.

32:45

Like I can't have this conversation about

32:47

how you almost killed me again. And

32:49

meanwhile, he's still holding the same

32:51

burger and the same one slice of tomato.

32:54

And I just loved it.

32:56

I don't know, I just loved it.

32:59

It was very

33:00

to the burger.

33:01

Uhhuh.

33:01

Yeah,

33:02

He, maybe he's our novella. Mm-hmm.

33:06

I was gonna say, I cannot get a read on

33:08

this criminal character, like his

33:11

motivations other than sandwiches.

33:14

Like he reminds me of this kid I knew in high

33:16

school who used to steal perfume

33:19

from the perfume store in the mall, but had

33:21

no plan for it. Like would

33:23

just have a trunk full of perfume

33:27

Like he didn't know what steps came next.

33:30

He just knew to steal perfume and

33:32

then was like, I don't know now. And then he

33:34

just had a trunk full of perfume that he would

33:36

give girls. He was trying to date

33:38

I mean, you know

33:40

I mean, I think that's kinda sweet. Kinda.

33:43

I don't, I'm broken is I think

33:45

the moral of the story. Yeah,

33:47

Julie.

33:48

You're like, oh, crime,

33:50

yeah. Crime. Did someone say crime?

33:56

Yeah. So they get pulled over because

33:58

they speed to try and catch

34:01

Allie and Eddie, who they see on the road.

34:03

who, by the way, all and Eddie are

34:05

listening to one of my favorite aqua

34:08

songs in the car. So

34:10

they're jamming out to Aqua

34:12

and I think that J t t literally

34:14

says, oh my gosh, it's so good.

34:17

I think it literally says like, follow

34:19

that Pathfinder.

34:20

Yes.

34:21

Follow that. Pathfinder

34:25

it's perfection. Start to finish. Oh

34:27

my God. So he, in order to

34:29

get out of this ticket, j t t jumps

34:32

into the driver's seat, puts on his beard,

34:34

and he's like, hello, officer. Oh, we're

34:37

just speeding to give all of these presents

34:39

to a bunch of kids. And

34:42

the criminals sitting next to him is like, no,

34:44

I was going to a fence. And J

34:46

g t is like, and

34:52

then the, the officer's like, oh, great.

34:55

I will get you there

34:56

I'll escort you.

34:57

than you could ever get there on your own. And they're

35:00

like, fuck me sideways.

35:02

I don't know how we're gonna get out of this.

35:04

So they follow the police officer to

35:06

the hospital and they're like, okay,

35:08

you got us here. Please leave. Please leave. And

35:10

the guy's like, I could really use some Christmas

35:13

cheer.

35:14

yeah. I'd like to see you give presents to all these

35:16

sick children.

35:20

it's so good. So they do the

35:22

whole sitting on Santa's lap thing.

35:24

And then at the end they're like, do you want this

35:27

dust buster? You

35:28

here's a microwave.

35:31

This toaster can do four slices

35:34

at a time. But

35:36

then this sweet bear at

35:38

the very end fills them full of the Christmas

35:40

spirit because he's like, I don't

35:42

want any toys. I don't want that dust buster.

35:45

I just want to be home with my family

35:47

and my dog. And

35:50

it's just the sweetest thing in the whole wide world.

35:53

And because of that, all three

35:55

men get very choked

35:57

up and very inspired to get

35:59

back to their loved ones. So

36:02

they're all at the payphone crying, and it's very

36:04

cute. J t t can't actually

36:06

get ahold of his dad. And so she, he talks to

36:08

his stepmother instead. and

36:10

he's like nice to her, but obviously

36:13

cold. And she's like really

36:15

doing her best, like asking him his sweater

36:17

size and like, oh, we're getting ready for you to

36:19

come home and la da da. And

36:22

then yeah,

36:24

a moment and say, I didn't know sweater sizes worked

36:26

like that

36:27

I don't think they do, period.

36:29

The

36:29

because it's She's

36:32

like, what sweater size you wear? And he's like,

36:34

oh, it's still a 38 a.

36:36

If J t t has never had

36:38

a 38 measurement on his body ever

36:41

in his life, anywhere,

36:43

Not even height wise,

36:45

Yeah. Yeah. And you

36:47

know, he's a short king. That's fine. But,

36:49

uh, yeah, that's one thing cuz this is

36:52

a like yearly Christmas watch for me, and

36:54

me and my husband every year are always like, what

36:57

is this? What does is this for

36:59

a Christmas blazer? What does this mean?

37:02

Well, or like that's, that feels like Christmas

37:04

pants, you know, like you do that

37:06

for a waistband. Sure.

37:08

yeah.

37:09

pants. It just doesn't have the same ring

37:11

to it. You know,

37:12

no,

37:15

Should we do ugly pants parties now instead?

37:17

I mean, I don't mind.

37:20

I, every, every day is ugly pants

37:22

party for me.

37:22

Same

37:24

so true.

37:24

I've got my, my polka dotted

37:27

leggings on now.

37:28

Yeah. Nice.

37:30

Perfect. Yeah.

37:32

So, uh, then criminal

37:34

Nolan is like, I don't wanna

37:37

be a criminal anymore. Instead, I wanna get

37:39

back to whoever I was on the phone with. Goodbye

37:41

Santa. I love you so much.

37:44

Thank you for the Christmas spirit. And

37:47

then the cop is like, please

37:49

help me get my wife back. She did

37:52

leave me a month ago, and

37:54

I don't know what to do with myself. I know

37:56

she'll come home if Santa himself

37:59

asks her. And meanwhile, j

38:01

j T's like, what's happening with all

38:03

of these adults thinking I'm the literal Santa?

38:06

I don't understand. So

38:11

at first he tries to blow him off.

38:13

yeah, he gives the the cop a pep talk

38:15

and he is like, she left. You have some self-respect

38:18

until the cop is like, well,

38:20

I guess I won't drive to Nebraska

38:23

then to try to win her back. And

38:25

then j t t is like, you said,

38:27

what now? Further East

38:29

You say

38:30

Let's repair your marriage, my friend

38:33

Yeah.

38:34

It's time. I'm here by a marriage

38:36

Mm-hmm.

38:37

So they get there and

38:40

I love this

38:42

restaurant so much.

38:45

I need it to exist in real life.

38:48

Turf and Turf

38:49

Turf and Turf

38:50

Oh my God. How did I miss

38:53

that?

38:53

What? I

38:57

wrote it in all caps. In my notes.

38:59

I was like, Turf. and turf.

39:02

I believe. Oh my God. I

39:05

tell you how many times I've seen this movie.

39:10

Yeah. And all of the waitresses have like

39:12

cow hats on and it's so cute.

39:14

I would work there

39:16

Can I just say, I know that this

39:18

is like not the most important detail

39:20

in a movie about a Christmas caper, but

39:23

the cop drives his patrol

39:25

car six hours

39:27

to Nebraska, six hours out of his

39:29

jurisdiction to Nebraska,

39:32

He's not a good police officer.

39:34

Yeah. He's bad at his job

39:35

Bad at his.

39:37

knock

39:38

but that actually does feel like a crime. I

39:40

don't know if I'm correct about that, but that feels

39:42

like

39:42

It's definitely gonna get

39:44

you in trouble. Like it's

39:47

like just wait five

39:49

seconds and get your real car Also,

39:53

the mileage on those cars, the gas mileage

39:55

is really bad. Like you're p you know,

39:57

it's like four miles to the gallon or whatever,

40:00

so it's just not a good

40:02

I feel like that was good though in 1998,

40:04

like that was decent gas mileage.

40:09

Fair.

40:10

Yeah. The, the late nineties for

40:12

any younger listeners was really

40:14

the era of SUVs so

40:16

massive that you had to power them with

40:18

like, you know, the, like Venus Rockets

40:21

that NASA used in like their early

40:23

days,

40:23

yeah. yeah.

40:26

And then like the Hummers were actual diesel,

40:29

Yeah.

40:30

Like Nutter Butters.

40:31

I mean, huge. I just, I just

40:33

remember like parking lots, you know,

40:35

like all of the asses of these SUVs

40:38

would be hanging out of the back lines

40:40

Like Yukon. Yukon. Yukon.

40:42

Oh yeah. Excursion expedition.

40:45

Yeah. Like, oh my gosh,

40:48

Catch that. Pathfinder.

40:49

yeah.

40:50

Um, so he,

40:53

okay, so. He

40:55

goes into the restaurant and he's trying to

40:58

get Marjorie to come home

41:00

and Marjorie's like, I know

41:02

I love her. Oh my God, she

41:05

deserves so much better than than

41:07

this disaster asshole. It's fine

41:09

Her cheating husband. So you learned

41:11

that she has fled to turf and turf

41:14

as a refuge because her husband

41:16

kissed his ex-girlfriend.

41:18

in front of her.

41:20

yeah, and yeah.

41:22

Like or you didn't

41:24

tell me that Officer

41:26

Yeah.

41:27

salient detail

41:28

Yeah. Yeah. She's got a real

41:30

good reason to have abandoned you.

41:33

Your dick

41:34

hour drive to Nebraska to

41:36

explain that.

41:37

Yeah. Yeah, so

41:41

Jtt, he's like, listen lady, I need a bus

41:43

ticket. Basically he's just like,

41:45

the only way I get a bus ticket to New

41:47

York is if you go home. He doesn't actually

41:50

say that out loud though. He's really trying to do

41:52

the, you know, forgive him. He is such a good

41:54

guy. Deal. And she

41:56

throws him out on his face and it was wonderful.

41:59

And then he sees

42:02

what kind of band was this? Was this a polka

42:05

band? What, what

42:07

kind of, I don't know. It was like there was a fiddle.

42:09

I think

42:10

Yeah. Yeah.

42:11

was, there was some good stuff happening,

42:13

It was a band with instruments.

42:15

as someone from a

42:18

part of the Midwest that is famous for

42:20

turf and turf, shall we say, it

42:23

did very much feel like the Midwest

42:25

is written by someone who has never set

42:27

foot like in the Midwest, and

42:29

they're like, okay, the Midwest

42:32

polka, fiddles cows.

42:35

All right, we're done. That's the Midwest

42:37

yep. Yeah.

42:40

But they, my

42:42

son has not stopped singing this song

42:45

since the movie has ended. Um,

42:48

he, so j t t gets

42:50

this band to back up. The

42:52

officer, as he frantically, writes

42:55

lyrics down on his ticket pad

42:57

and then hands it to him and he's

42:59

singing, oh, Marjorie,

43:01

oh, Marjorie, I need

43:03

you to come home.

43:08

That song is, is a forever classic

43:11

in my head.

43:11

It's by

43:14

the end, he really gets into it and she's

43:17

crying. Um, b by

43:19

the end it gets sau.

43:21

Yeah.

43:22

The lyrics that j t t does not

43:24

write is him being like, I'll

43:26

make it up to you on the velvet

43:28

skirt of the Christmas tree.

43:31

And all of the diners were also into

43:33

it.

43:34

Yeah.

43:34

into it. There was an, by the end,

43:37

everyone in the restaurant is invested

43:39

in the outcome of this

43:41

Mm-hmm.

43:42

you not be

43:42

I know. I know.

43:45

and then JT d's like, and now get down on your

43:47

knees. And so he, then he sings and,

43:49

yeah, get down on your knees. Did you see

43:52

the beautiful look of excitement on that

43:54

man's face when he thought he was

43:56

supposed to tell his wife to get her on her knees? At

43:58

that moment? but

44:03

no

44:04

It was, definitely, you know when you

44:07

give decorations to a cake decorator

44:09

and then you're like, right, happy birthday

44:11

and yellow or something, and then they put

44:13

Right, happy birthday and yellow and icing on the

44:15

cake. That's what it felt like.

44:17

Yep, it's true.

44:20

But then the officer hits his knees because that

44:22

is what a good grol requires,

44:25

and she kisses his face off.

44:28

she does

44:29

She's

44:29

in her little diner uniform.

44:31

Oh, and then when she hugs

44:33

him, it, you can't see his face

44:35

because of the cow ear that's

44:38

obstructing it. Oh

44:39

Oh my God.

44:40

Oh my God. The cow ear like

44:46

I'm obsessed with this whole thing. Okay,

44:49

so then he gets his ticket and

44:51

it is time to get on a bus ticket

44:54

straight to New York, no stops.

44:56

Oh, it's

44:57

This might be my favorite con

45:00

in the whole movie.

45:02

Ooh. Yeah.

45:03

yeah.

45:04

But first we have to mention

45:06

what he sees in the bus station.

45:08

Mm-hmm.

45:09

Because it explains the need for

45:11

the con, which is

45:14

that meanwhile, I

45:16

don't know, I can't remember why I was,

45:18

I was definitely paying all of my attention

45:20

to the movie, but sometimes my brain would

45:22

like back away from the movie

45:25

and go into a different corner,

45:26

Yeah, I hear that.

45:27

So for they, maybe it's just cuz

45:29

they wanted to, but Allie and Eddie have

45:31

stopped at Edel

45:34

Brook a like a Christmas village

45:36

I mean, you have to stop somewhere on

45:38

a road trip. Why

45:39

guess that's true. Yeah. So they've,

45:41

they've stopped and they're actually having

45:44

a little bit of a good time. Like Eddie

45:46

is kind of being a fun guy and

45:49

Jessica deals enjoying herself.

45:51

And, uh, there is missile toe

45:54

and there is a local news station

45:56

filming the whole thing. And

45:59

so Eddie and Allie share a little smooch

46:01

under the missile toe for the benefit of

46:03

a local news reporter who's like,

46:05

the kiss cam. You know, like you can't,

46:07

it's, it's hard to say no to the

46:08

It's hard to say no, but this is broadcast

46:11

to the bus station where J t

46:13

T is boarding the bus. So J t

46:15

t sees his girlfriend kissing

46:18

this guy who owns a Pathfinder, and

46:20

he is like, I gotta get to this place I

46:22

like, I'll kill him. Ah. So

46:26

he gets on this bus and the bus driver's not

46:28

having it. He's like, no, this is one

46:31

one way to New York. No stops,

46:33

no funny business.

46:34

Yeah. And we're not going to Edel Brook,

46:37

obviously

46:38

Yeah.

46:38

why would we do that of all things?

46:41

Geez. So JT

46:44

T looks around and he sees

46:46

a kid with some crayons,

46:49

and then he sees a cooler

46:52

coming out from the top of the luggage thing,

46:54

and then he sees a man

46:57

that I actually can't explain

46:59

what the actual fuck

47:01

was happening with that man.

47:05

What was that? It was like a toast

47:08

with like an actual liver on it. It looked

47:10

like, like, Uh,

47:13

a raw

47:14

Like a canned meat

47:16

of some sort, but an organ

47:18

for

47:19

like steak tartar. You know

47:21

how when you get on a bus, you just really

47:23

wanna have some steak tartar,

47:25

Yeah.

47:25

my go-to, frankly.

47:28

Always.

47:28

classic road trip food. I would

47:30

say steak tartar.

47:32

And so my favorite part is that we just

47:35

get that to a cut scene

47:37

of j t t finishing the,

47:40

the top of his masterpiece. So

47:43

we still, to this day,

47:45

years later, have

47:47

no idea how j t t wrestled

47:50

that organ meat out of that

47:52

man's clutches. How did he do

47:54

it?

47:56

I don't

47:56

there more

47:57

Was there had to be more, surely

47:59

he had his steak, charar had a nap.

48:02

and then j t t took like, you

48:04

know,

48:05

The backup state

48:06

Of the stake charar.

48:07

yeah. Okay. The backup stuff, absolutely.

48:10

I mean, it was rough since the guy was

48:12

carrying it in his back pocket. okay.

48:15

As you do as one does

48:17

That's traditionally,

48:19

traditionally, that is

48:21

the way you, you would store such

48:24

things, right? Is this, is it tartar

48:26

that you would actually store it underneath

48:28

the saddle of your horse while

48:30

it was raw?

48:31

my god. I thought you were making

48:33

what is it? Not a bit. Is this real

48:36

You have to stop this can't be real

48:40

dunno if you're teaching me something or pulling the wool

48:42

over my eyes.

48:43

Me too.

48:44

IM so sure that it's tartar

48:46

that traditionally it was sort between.

48:51

The, like the spine

48:53

of your horse and it's saddle.

48:55

I know I'm right. I know I'm

48:56

okay. Good.

48:57

a saddle

48:58

No, you're right. That is the traditional saddle

49:00

pad. That's how my nana taught me.

49:02

Absolutely.

49:04

Every time you do something like this, I

49:06

have to remind myself that I chose this life.

49:09

I chose to be friends with you. Oh

49:15

We all learned something today,

49:17

yeah. That you

49:19

think is true.

49:20

Anyway, so maybe this man

49:23

was actually like an invading

49:25

horse bound barbarian who was just storing

49:28

his meat the traditional

49:29

Mm-hmm.

49:30

Yeah. He lost his trustee steed. He

49:32

had to come up with a backup plan.

49:34

get on a,

49:34

a, it was bus.

49:35

Get on, a bus. Take that saddle pad. Um,

49:39

so

49:40

So J T T gets the cooler, the crayons

49:42

and the steak tartar, and we see

49:45

him riding out like, what does it

49:47

say? Like organ donor, something

49:50

like en route

49:51

Allie. Allie, whoever needs

49:53

this liver, get me their stat.

49:56

Yeah, it's a heart. It's supposed to be a heart,

49:59

and it does look a little bit

50:01

like a heart.

50:02

Yes.

50:03

So j t t like the hero he

50:05

is. Does he just set it in the aisle and then

50:07

someone else sees it?

50:08

Yep. Yep. It's

50:10

this nice lady next

50:12

to him is like, oh my God, is

50:14

this yours? Are you, are you on this

50:16

beautiful mission to save a young girl's

50:18

life? And he's like, oh, well,

50:20

I'm glad someone noticed. Uh, dust

50:23

is his shoulders off. And so

50:25

now the whole bus is behind

50:27

him. There is a military

50:30

man who's like, you must stop

50:33

this bus because we are all gonna be heroes

50:35

today. And the

50:37

whole bus pressures this bus driver to

50:39

go to Edel Brook or wherever the, wherever

50:41

the hell they are. And

50:44

Jessica Beal and Ed Man have

50:46

been put in the honeymoon suite

50:48

together.

50:49

there was only one room left. There

50:52

was only one room left, and it happened to be the. Sweet.

50:55

And there was only one bed.

50:56

Yeah.

50:57

It is really cute though, because she's like,

50:59

wow, I never thought I would feel so safe with

51:02

you in the same bed with me. And it pans

51:04

over to him and he's basically got like an

51:06

entire parka on and he's

51:08

like, do you need me to put on any more clothes?

51:11

And she's like, no, no, I think you're

51:13

fine.

51:14

See, Eddie is the hero. I'm just

51:16

like, there is a

51:18

universe where Eddie is the hero.

51:20

Absolutely.

51:21

I will say if we were to insert,

51:24

if we were to splice in maybe

51:27

spicier content,

51:28

Mm.

51:29

I would like to see some Eddie Jessica

51:31

bee like action.

51:33

Most

51:33

Mm-hmm. ,definitely.

51:35

That kiss was good.

51:36

It was good.

51:37

It was a good kiss.

51:38

Yeah.

51:39

okay, so he gets there. He goes

51:41

in, he finds her

51:43

whole van, or the whole bus is like cheering

51:45

for him. Like good

51:47

luck to you. Good sir? Yeah.

51:50

Oh my God. Save that tiny girl's life.

51:53

so he gets in there, he gets to the room

51:56

and he's like, where is he? I'm gonna kill

51:58

him. And she's like, oh my God. Where

52:00

did you come from? How is this happening?

52:04

You're dressed is Santa

52:05

Why, why are

52:06

And Shirley, by this

52:09

point doesn't smell great. Like

52:11

this is like, it's been two

52:13

solid days, maybe that he's

52:15

been in the same suit

52:18

and it does not look like

52:20

a suit that wicks moisture or,

52:22

you know,

52:24

No, not at all. And I think that he just

52:26

walks into the room and starts eating something.

52:28

Am I misremembering that? Maybe.

52:30

Possibly. He's just like food, putting

52:33

food in my mouth.

52:34

I can't believe you didn't immediately go to the bathroom.

52:36

You know what

52:37

right. Julie, you,

52:39

you live in a house with someone who owns

52:41

a Santa suit. What is the,

52:43

like likelihood that those will smell

52:46

after two days of being worn, do you think?

52:49

I mean, I have no science

52:51

behind this, but those are meant

52:53

to be worn for like 30 minutes at a time.

52:57

absolutely. Like you, you

53:00

honestly don't wanna be the last kid at

53:02

the end of Santa's shift. It's gnarly

53:04

over there.

53:05

Yeah,

53:06

no, no. And

53:08

he's been wrestling people for

53:10

steak tartar and like

53:13

he was out in the de. We started in the

53:15

laying in the ground.

53:16

He threw up in a purse, you know what I mean?

53:20

yeah. Like we haven't been moving

53:22

from sterile room to sterile room

53:25

in the

53:25

he was hit by a van

53:27

Yeah.

53:29

just thrown 30 feet.

53:31

And we have to assume when he sat

53:33

in the van that that seat was also

53:35

filled with tomatoes or something.

53:37

Yeah. Condiments at least.

53:40

Yeah. Yeah.

53:41

Yeah. Yeah. So she's

53:43

like, it's not what it looks like. And then Eddie

53:46

comes out of that bathroom

53:48

like the king. He is in just

53:51

a

53:51

Like a fucking peacock. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

53:53

boy. and

53:56

j G T's like, you kissed my girl. Ugh,

53:58

how dare you? And Eddie's like, oh,

54:00

I can't believe that you are here. And

54:03

he's given him some lip, I'll tell

54:05

you that much. And so

54:07

j t t does what I think

54:09

was probably a misstep here. And

54:12

he pans Eddie,

54:15

he takes the towel right off of him and

54:17

shows his penis to everyone. And I feel

54:19

like that could have gone sideways for him.

54:21

You

54:21

Yeah.

54:23

I mean? if Eddie is who I think he is,

54:25

do you wanna reveal that to everyone? You

54:27

know, I'm just, I'm, I understand

54:30

that these people are minors when they told this movie, trying

54:33

to walk the line here, but I'm just saying

54:35

No, Eddie, the character Eddie, the character's

54:37

packing and like there's noth, there's

54:39

nothing else to it.

54:40

yeah, yeah,

54:42

and so here's a, here's a double lesson,

54:44

is that you shouldn't pans people because

54:46

it's like, you know, technically sexual

54:48

assault or whatever. But then

54:50

also it might come back to

54:52

bite you. You might not get the reaction

54:55

that you thought you were

54:55

yeah. Exactly.

54:57

you might make someone extra curious

54:59

Mm-hmm.

55:00

yeah. Anyway, we, we can't be sure

55:02

there was a strategic phase. This is a Disney

55:04

movie. I watched this on Disney Plus.

55:06

So there's not actually any nudity. You

55:09

just know that Patal is gone.

55:10

I didn't watch this on Disney Plus because

55:12

I own it, which is.

55:14

yes. Yes.

55:16

is something I'm choosing to admit.

55:18

did you, did you own it as

55:20

a young person? Julie?

55:22

oh, we've gone from v h s

55:24

to D V D, the Blu-ray to a digital

55:26

copy.

55:27

this in one of those, like

55:29

white, I wanna say almost like puffy

55:32

cases, you know, that Disney had where

55:34

they were like

55:35

Yeah. The, the clam

55:37

think, I think that those are only reserved

55:39

for like animated Disney features cuz

55:42

like heavyweights didn't come in one,

55:45

what's the, the big Green Doesn't even remember

55:47

that one. I also love that. Oh

55:49

man, I'm just going into like Disney Live

55:51

action,

55:52

Well, there was

55:55

like a, like

55:57

j t t was in this like Huck

55:59

Finn movie, um,

56:02

That's a choice.

56:03

that also had a clam shell,

56:06

and I felt like that was Disney. Yeah,

56:08

it had like, God, who was in Emmett

56:10

I should say that my VHS copy was probably

56:13

also like one of the ones you buy from Blockbuster.

56:15

That's like in the old Blockbuster

56:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

56:18

So we didn't have a lot of a

56:20

puffed

56:21

Oh my God.

56:23

We, we, we, we, our blood wasn't

56:25

that rich.

56:25

Anne Hayes, Ron Pearlman. Robbie

56:29

Coltrane,

56:29

Sierra, Simone, where

56:31

sorry.

56:32

That's who's in Huck Finn with? With

56:34

J t T, right?

56:36

I do have a quick research note

56:38

to add in. Uh,

56:40

uh, the dish steak tartar

56:43

originated with Genghis Kong's, uh,

56:45

Mongol warriors who conquered

56:47

Europe

56:48

They rode a lot of horses.

56:49

legend states that the tartars or mounted

56:52

nomads would secrete a piece

56:54

of horse meat under the saddle prior

56:57

to a day's mooting by nightfall,

57:00

it would be tenderized into a paste

57:02

and it could be eaten with, uh,

57:05

horse milk

57:06

God damnit, you're so good at

57:08

writing and your brain is so awesome that I still

57:10

don't know whether you're teaching me something or

57:12

pulling the wool over my eyes.

57:15

I wish I was this good

57:17

to incept some like j

57:19

t t conman energy into our

57:21

podcast about j jt t's conman

57:23

energy to give you this whole story

57:26

about this

57:28

I just wanna put it out there that if you've

57:30

ever wondered what it's like to do copy edits

57:32

with Sierra Simone, this is it.

57:35

This right here, this is it.

57:37

It's too much

57:41

sounds like an actual dream. Oh my

57:43

God. Okay, So

57:47

by the end of this conversation in

57:49

the hotel room, she finds out

57:51

that the real reason he's going back to New

57:54

York is not for family or Christmas

57:56

cheer or the love of her.

57:59

It is for that Porsche. And

58:01

she's like, Ugh. Like, you

58:03

didn't change at all. You're the worst.

58:05

Actually, I have to read what she said because she,

58:08

she steals his seat on the bus,

58:11

and as her mic drop moment, she says,

58:13

I can't take fake remorse

58:15

from a fake Santa giving. Fake

58:17

apologies. You might be a fake

58:19

boyfriend, but you're a genuine butthole

58:22

hole.

58:24

Oh

58:24

It's a good speech. That's

58:27

a good burn.

58:28

it's so good.

58:29

I guarantee you at Disney that screenwriter

58:32

had a fight for butthole. Yeah,

58:35

I've worked with the mouse. I can tell you for

58:38

sure.

58:39

Yeah. Oh my

58:41

God. And also, um,

58:43

my six-year-old was very impressed,

58:46

uh, very excited and

58:48

stoked about his new vocabulary

58:51

word. So that's gonna

58:53

doesn't? Who doesn't love a good butthole insult?

58:56

Yeah. Yeah. Wait till he takes it to school.

58:59

Oh man, that's gonna be a treat. Ooh,

59:01

so good. So then he

59:04

and Eddie Bond over

59:07

ladies being ruthless, it's

59:09

very cute and very funny. He gets in the car

59:11

with Eddie and they're like jamming out to whatever

59:14

boy music, they're listening to

59:16

Mm-hmm.

59:17

Not, not aqua. I can tell

59:19

you

59:20

yeah. Yeah. he's

59:22

like, man, Eddie, this is so cool. Like,

59:24

you're being so awesome and I can get

59:26

home with you. I'll get home on time

59:28

and I will get my Porsche and

59:30

it'll be

59:31

Just a couple of fellas trying to get

59:33

home for Christmas.

59:34

Yeah. And so Eddie does a

59:36

big swerve. Onto

59:38

the side of a road and he's like, Nope,

59:40

gotta get out. I thought I liked this. Don't

59:43

you gotta get out?

59:44

God. I love Eddie. Oh my God.

59:47

And his reasoning is that,

59:50

first of all, helping someone

59:52

would be bad for his reputation.

59:55

off brand. It's off brand for Eddie. And Eddie

59:57

is, he's all about his brand. He knows

59:59

Yeah. And the second thing is, he says,

1:00:02

he says, and also, why would I help

1:00:04

you get a Porsche so that you can be cooler

1:00:06

than me back at school?

1:00:08

Why would I help? The competition

1:00:10

yeah. That's not gonna help the

1:00:12

Nah,

1:00:15

Oh man, I can't believe that it took me until

1:00:17

now to see that Eddie is actually

1:00:19

like Julie Murphy. Catnip.

1:00:24

I

1:00:24

I knew Jtt was, but Eddie,

1:00:27

I should have known.

1:00:28

listen. The third person thing,

1:00:30

I just can't help. I find it hilariously

1:00:33

charming. And not in like

1:00:35

a, not in like a, I'm so charmed,

1:00:37

you're so smooth kind of way. But Justin, in like, I'm

1:00:39

smarter than you and I like this feeling. And

1:00:42

also I like watching you peck

1:00:44

at the ground and try to be a cool

1:00:46

boy. you know, I

1:00:48

just like, I'm big and dumb.

1:00:50

Oh, and Eddie fits

1:00:53

the bill

1:00:53

yeah,

1:00:54

nicely. Oh, it's so good.

1:00:56

So now the only way that j

1:00:58

g D is gonna get home is if he wins

1:01:01

this Santa Race. Alright?

1:01:03

There's a small town Santa Race, and

1:01:05

he has to win it. there's a guy who

1:01:08

buys his entrance because

1:01:10

j t t tries to make up a story about

1:01:12

his receipt getting burned down in his whole house.

1:01:15

It does not work though because he's losing

1:01:17

his touch, man. The further

1:01:19

he gets to the east coast, the

1:01:21

more he loses his touch.

1:01:23

the longer the Santa suit stays on,

1:01:25

It's true. Yeah.

1:01:28

So this guy buys his entrance

1:01:30

and they're running the whole time.

1:01:33

They get to the end

1:01:35

and, j t t like

1:01:38

loses his hat. You have to have the hat

1:01:40

on in order To

1:01:42

um, win. Yeah.

1:01:45

Yeah. And so ps

1:01:47

it's been shenanigans up until this point. Like

1:01:49

there's a Santa crash, there's a

1:01:51

lot of nonsense that's

1:01:52

there's one Santa that's in like a spandex

1:01:55

Santa suit, and he's like the

1:01:57

athlete who's gonna win the whole

1:01:59

thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

1:02:01

But then he gets cocky and he runs into a Santa

1:02:03

sign of some sort,

1:02:05

some sign that's pointing into the North Pole

1:02:08

or something. And

1:02:10

so then the nice guy is

1:02:12

like, oh no, that Santa has lost his

1:02:14

hat. I have to look back at him and be like,

1:02:16

is he okay? And then j t

1:02:19

t picks up that hat and sprints and

1:02:21

gets by him right at the end and wins.

1:02:23

And it's a thousand dollars cash.

1:02:25

It's a thousand dollars. This is the point where my

1:02:27

husband came in and sat

1:02:30

next to me and then started offering his,

1:02:32

you know, like logical,

1:02:34

like ,middle-aged

1:02:36

man commentary on everything. And he was

1:02:38

like, why did the mayor slow

1:02:40

down? Like, why did he slow

1:02:42

down? Why did he look back? Why did he just keep

1:02:45

running? It's like, cuz it was in the script,

1:02:47

son, like it was in the script. I

1:02:49

don't know what to tell you.

1:02:50

He's just a warmhearted Good guy.

1:02:52

He just wanted to make sure j t t was okay. By

1:02:54

the way, J t t's

1:02:56

Santa Hat was glued on. So

1:03:00

it but then had been ripped off.

1:03:02

Yeah, it had been ripped off by Jessica Beal earlier.

1:03:04

So if he had not been a jerk to Jessica Beal

1:03:07

and caused her to rip off the hat, he

1:03:09

could have won the race more easily. I think

1:03:12

there's a lesson in there.

1:03:13

It would've been much less of a nail bit.

1:03:16

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1:03:18

So then he gets in a cab after

1:03:20

he gets all of his money and he's back there

1:03:22

and he's just like counting his condos.

1:03:24

He's very proud of himself. And then

1:03:27

the taxi driver's like, oh, you,

1:03:29

you beat the mayor, or whatever.

1:03:31

And he was like, oh, he's the mayor,

1:03:33

huh? He's like, yeah, we

1:03:35

really love it when he wins because he gives

1:03:37

all of his, all the winnings to charity

1:03:40

to feed hungry cats or something.

1:03:42

I don't know. I don't

1:03:43

On Christmas,

1:03:44

it's, uh, it's, uh, turkeys.

1:03:46

He gets turkeys for families who can't afford

1:03:49

that's the one. It is Yeah.

1:03:51

And so J G G has this moment

1:03:54

where he is like, all of my problems are

1:03:56

solved. I can just go to the airport right

1:03:58

now. But, oh

1:04:00

no. I think my heart has grown

1:04:02

at least two sizes so

1:04:04

far. Oh,

1:04:06

I hate it. So he goes and

1:04:08

he has the taxi driver take him to the mayor's

1:04:11

house and he gives him back all the money.

1:04:13

The mayor who has an awesome house,

1:04:15

by the way, this is like, this is where if

1:04:18

Jessica Beal had been running the Santa Race,

1:04:20

she would've been asking some deeper questions

1:04:22

like, why this mayor with so much structural

1:04:25

power still has so much poverty in

1:04:27

his town, and the only way he can alleviate

1:04:29

poverty is by winning a

1:04:31

race to give people turkeys for one

1:04:33

day a year. Like

1:04:34

And only a thousand dollars of turkeys.

1:04:37

Like how many turkeys is that

1:04:39

I mean, I don't know, it was 1998. Maybe

1:04:41

it was the Turkey boom. Who knows, like

1:04:43

maybe

1:04:44

The Turkey boom is 98.

1:04:49

Yeah, it's really true. But J T

1:04:51

D asked no questions. He's like, you're

1:04:53

the man. And I love it.

1:04:56

So he's stranded again. He has no money

1:04:58

and he calls home and his sister answers

1:05:01

the phone. His little sister, she's the precocious,

1:05:04

smaller one. It's very cute. And

1:05:07

she's like, man, you really are like kind

1:05:09

of dicked out there, aren't you? And he's

1:05:11

like, yeah, it wasn't a story. like,

1:05:14

I cannot get home. So

1:05:16

she's like, I've got some piggy

1:05:18

bank nonsense. Because

1:05:21

when your dad works for the vice

1:05:23

president, you have

1:05:26

bank

1:05:27

Yeah.

1:05:28

I mean, and they're, they're not living

1:05:30

in a bad house. I mean, I cringe

1:05:32

looking at it because I grew up in houses like

1:05:34

that, and I'm like, oh, the, the wallpaper,

1:05:36

the spindles, everything. But

1:05:39

it's a nice house out, like in the New York City

1:05:42

burbs like. No one is

1:05:44

doing that bad for themselves

1:05:46

in this family. So

1:05:48

of the two. Yeah. Like

1:05:50

she's definitely like s scrolled away her money while

1:05:53

j t t has been like gambling his

1:05:55

money away. You know what I mean? So she's,

1:05:57

she's got enough stored up to save the day.

1:06:00

It's really cute. So She

1:06:01

She would be like, she would get

1:06:03

her own book, you know, like, uh,

1:06:06

like a book three or book four, like at

1:06:08

when she goes to college. Yeah. She would

1:06:10

go to college and get her own book.

1:06:13

Oh, I

1:06:13

What if book four is, oh no, I can't,

1:06:15

I can't say this out loud, but I will. What

1:06:17

if book four is her and like, uh,

1:06:20

Eddie, but she's definitely like over 18,

1:06:22

you know what I mean?

1:06:23

Yeah. Yeah. She's in college. He's

1:06:25

older.

1:06:26

Yeah, like at an internship. Oh

1:06:28

my God.

1:06:30

Oh,

1:06:30

writing itself. It's writing itself.

1:06:33

This is a problem.

1:06:35

See, my first instinct was Ian

1:06:37

after a glow up. But yeah,

1:06:40

I think you're,

1:06:40

Oh yeah,

1:06:43

But brother's, brother's enemy is

1:06:45

so much better than brother's. Best

1:06:46

that's what I'm saying. And we

1:06:49

would be pining for Eddie's

1:06:51

book, if you like, seated him into

1:06:53

book two and three. The readers would be like,

1:06:55

what the fuck? When does Eddie get his book?

1:06:57

And then he gets it.

1:06:58

This is definitely how peculiar tastes happened. By the

1:07:00

way,

1:07:04

This is literally how it happened. Zoom

1:07:10

call's gone Wild

1:07:12

I just have to say, I think Ian is destined

1:07:14

to end up with one of the jocks. He like helps

1:07:16

them with homework or something.

1:07:18

Oh yes.

1:07:20

oh my God. Wow. We're

1:07:22

all so smart and

1:07:23

God.

1:07:24

I know. Let's write a book series.

1:07:27

Yeah.

1:07:32

Okay,

1:07:33

Okay, Okay. Okay. Little

1:07:35

All right, where are we? Oh, yeah. So she buys him

1:07:37

a plane ticket and she's like, don't worry,

1:07:39

it's pre nine 11, so you don't need

1:07:42

an id. I'll just give you a password.

1:07:44

And the password is like, I'm a poop

1:07:47

sniffer. Who is the worst?

1:07:49

And like,

1:07:51

who loves buttholes?

1:07:52

that's right.

1:07:53

Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:55

And so the lady's like, oh, great, you are you,

1:07:58

um, you do however still need

1:08:00

an ID to get onto the plane. And

1:08:03

he's like, duh. Policy's

1:08:05

the worst. But then he

1:08:08

sees a faded Great Dane or some

1:08:10

sort of other pooch that's

1:08:12

just have to say I've gotten on an

1:08:15

airplane post nine 11 without an ID before,

1:08:17

so J T T just wasn't

1:08:19

conning hard enough.

1:08:21

Wow.

1:08:22

what you compromised the

1:08:24

security of our nation,

1:08:25

the the whole nation, all 50

1:08:28

states just to get on a plane

1:08:30

to New Orleans?

1:08:31

Were you like a baby? Like were you like

1:08:33

a kid and you were

1:08:34

No, I was a grown ass

1:08:36

adult like four years ago.

1:08:38

What?

1:08:39

How did they

1:08:40

my, I forgot my license at home.

1:08:42

So they pulled, okay, we're, I'm getting into

1:08:44

the weeds with this, but they pulled me to the side at

1:08:46

t s A and I was like, my flight board's in literally

1:08:49

20 minutes and I forgot my idea at home, what do I do? And

1:08:52

they pulled me to the side and they started questioning me and they're like,

1:08:54

we're gonna ask you questions. Only Julie Murphy

1:08:56

would know. And they, like, they had

1:08:58

my, I don't know, I

1:09:00

gave them my social security number. I

1:09:01

Well, it was weird when that TSA

1:09:04

agent pulled out a copy of Dumpling, you know what

1:09:06

I mean?

1:09:06

yeah, very bizarre. No,

1:09:09

they were like, one of them was like on the phone

1:09:11

with like the White House or Washington, dc

1:09:13

I don't know, somewhat important. And,

1:09:16

but they made my husband stand around the corner

1:09:19

so that we couldn't see each other and make like

1:09:21

eye contact and like weird blinking messages

1:09:23

to each other. And then they proceeded

1:09:26

to ask me, I'm awful at, like,

1:09:28

if it, the only number I know is my social security number

1:09:30

and I'm awful at dates. I can't even tell you. Like

1:09:33

what year we got married. And they

1:09:35

proceeded to ask me questions. I definitely didn't

1:09:37

know, like, what year did

1:09:39

you buy your house? Like, uh,

1:09:42

things like this. And then finally I was like,

1:09:44

okay, I never, I've only ever done

1:09:46

this one other time in my life, but literally

1:09:49

just look at my Wikipedia

1:09:51

yes.

1:09:52

like there's a photo

1:09:54

ID right there. It's real, it's authentic.

1:09:56

You can extensively Google me and

1:09:58

finally they let me through, but yeah,

1:10:00

That's awesome. Oh my

1:10:03

gosh.

1:10:03

So anyways, j t T should have just tried harder.

1:10:06

he really should have. Yeah. I mean, I managed

1:10:08

to get a steak knife through three

1:10:10

airports one summer accidentally

1:10:13

Oh my God.

1:10:15

So

1:10:17

Like without you knowing it.

1:10:20

Okay. Yeah.

1:10:20

So the, the thing was, was that I went to,

1:10:23

uh, a dance convention where

1:10:25

you need things like cheese knives

1:10:27

if you're up till three in the morning, like

1:10:29

you have to have snacks. Okay. And

1:10:31

then I did accidentally leave that knife

1:10:34

in my carry-on when

1:10:36

I packed to go all over

1:10:38

the country, first summer. And

1:10:40

nobody caught it. Not a single airport

1:10:44

knew about my secret

1:10:45

really impressive. Yeah. We

1:10:48

should travel together.

1:10:49

yeah,

1:10:50

together.

1:10:53

I'll come on your next writing retreat. Don't worry,

1:10:56

Perfect.

1:10:59

So he somehow gets into that

1:11:01

kennel and they

1:11:03

are, he's on the plane now and

1:11:06

the dog is adorable and licking his face

1:11:08

and farting, and both my son

1:11:10

and I thought it was hilarious.

1:11:12

Mm-hmm. it

1:11:14

was the real Disney magic was that dog.

1:11:16

Well, truly, yeah.

1:11:18

This is where the husband

1:11:21

commentary was like derailing the viewing

1:11:23

experience because he was like, no one

1:11:25

loading up that crate. noticed

1:11:27

the full size human in a Santa

1:11:30

suit, like also in the crate.

1:11:32

Listen, this is why he's not a writer.

1:11:34

Okay. Suspend your logic, buddy.

1:11:36

Yeah.

1:11:39

It can happen.

1:11:40

Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:41

Yeah. You just gotta believe

1:11:45

All right. So now he tries

1:11:47

to get on a train and this one really fucks

1:11:49

him up. Like somehow the train

1:11:51

guy, not, not t s

1:11:53

a, nobody at the airport had any problems,

1:11:56

but the train guy was like, not this time.

1:11:59

So he throws him off the train and

1:12:02

j t t does end up riding

1:12:04

on the ceiling

1:12:06

of a car.

1:12:08

but yeah, he's holding onto the

1:12:10

hood of a car in his Santa suit, which

1:12:13

I guarantee you is the moment

1:12:15

that the screenwriter, like that was the initial

1:12:17

moment the screenwriter had

1:12:18

Oh,

1:12:19

when they were like, I have to write this movie.

1:12:22

Yeah. They like, they knew what the trailer

1:12:24

was gonna look like in their head and this was

1:12:26

like one of the clips from the trailer. Surely

1:12:29

if they didn't put that clip in the trailer, they did a

1:12:31

bad job.

1:12:32

yeah.

1:12:33

Uh, yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm.

1:12:37

So then he, like, he has to, he has

1:12:39

to tuck and roll off the, off

1:12:41

the ceiling of that car. And

1:12:43

then he seals a one horse open sleigh.

1:12:46

And Jessica Bees,

1:12:48

like parting lying to him was like,

1:12:50

I wouldn't believe you cared about me, even

1:12:52

if you showed up in a one-horse open

1:12:55

sleigh or like Santa ah,

1:12:58

so good.

1:12:59

Ugh. So he does, and

1:13:01

she's like, I'm a lying liar.

1:13:04

And you're too cute to stay mad at And

1:13:08

Conaway baby.

1:13:09

Uhhuh

1:13:10

away

1:13:11

You conned me out of my heart again.

1:13:13

again, though. Cannot imagine

1:13:16

how bad he smells

1:13:18

by this point. Like

1:13:20

just cannot even imagine it. It's been like four days

1:13:23

in the Santa suit.

1:13:24

Mm-hmm.

1:13:25

You should know that like one of Sierra's,

1:13:27

like big pet peeves is like daily showers

1:13:30

and changing her clothes like every

1:13:32

day. Like if we go on a trip, there's no reusing

1:13:34

anything, anything.

1:13:35

No, you know, that

1:13:38

as a form of sort of like primitive

1:13:40

deodorant that, uh,

1:13:43

like aristocrats in the 17

1:13:45

hundreds would just wear many linen underlayers.

1:13:48

And the way that you've stopped yourself from

1:13:50

just being the smelliest person was by

1:13:52

changing those linen underlayers

1:13:55

because the clothes that are closest to your

1:13:57

skin absorb the bacteria

1:14:00

that make you smell. And so it's important

1:14:02

to change the clothes that touch your skin.

1:14:05

That is like half the battle tours not smelling.

1:14:07

Mm-hmm. Okay. That makes sense.

1:14:09

It does.

1:14:10

Yeah.

1:14:11

old

1:14:11

Yeah.

1:14:12

science man. I'm into

1:14:14

it.

1:14:15

I actually learned this from

1:14:17

a Mary Roach book. If people don't read

1:14:19

Mary Roach books, highly recommend.

1:14:21

They're the most fun and the best. This one

1:14:24

was called Packing for Mars and it was all about space

1:14:27

travel and like how are astronauts

1:14:29

gonna be up in space and not smell the worst?

1:14:32

Um, anyway, Mary Roach, they're

1:14:34

great audio books

1:14:35

Awesome. That's really

1:14:37

cool. Yeah. So then he and

1:14:39

Jessica Beal go to his house and

1:14:41

she's like, wow, it's 5 59.

1:14:45

I guess you made it here on time. Good

1:14:47

job. And he's like, why

1:14:49

don't you be a deer and tell me when it's

1:14:51

after six?

1:14:53

cause I've, I've changed Baby

1:14:55

I'm a changed man. I had hacked,

1:14:58

I had hashtag character development when I gave

1:15:00

that money back to the mayor. You

1:15:02

know, I've grown

1:15:05

as a man.

1:15:10

It's so cute. And she's like, you've never

1:15:12

been sexier. And she's right.

1:15:14

Yeah.

1:15:15

So they go into the house after six,

1:15:17

the dad still tries to give him the car,

1:15:20

and j t t makes his parental

1:15:22

dreams come true because he says, no,

1:15:24

no, it's not ready yet. We're gonna need

1:15:26

a lot more Christmases together

1:15:29

before that car gets its

1:15:31

full glam up

1:15:33

Yeah. Yeah. Before it gets

1:15:35

its full. Like TLC

1:15:38

makeover.

1:15:39

it's, it's ready for its face reveal or

1:15:42

whatever.

1:15:42

Yeah. And then his

1:15:45

sister is the only sane one because

1:15:47

she hugs him and then pushes him as far

1:15:49

as she can across the room and says, you stink.

1:15:51

You weren't wearing 17 hundreds

1:15:53

linen under things underneath the suit. Yeah.

1:15:57

It's true. And that was a mistake on

1:15:58

It was a mistake,

1:16:00

They didn't

1:16:01

Did you wrong? No.

1:16:03

and then he and the stepmother

1:16:05

have another moment where they talk

1:16:07

about sweater sizes, which I think

1:16:09

is supposed to indicate that they're gonna build a

1:16:11

relationship

1:16:12

Yeah.

1:16:13

here.

1:16:13

sweater sizes like unusually

1:16:15

sized sweaters,

1:16:17

Well, that's the best part though, because

1:16:20

she says, or he says,

1:16:22

it's a 36, by the way, my sweater

1:16:24

size is 36. And then

1:16:27

he says, what's your sweater size

1:16:29

for future reference? And then she says,

1:16:31

eight.

1:16:32

Eight, which is like a normal top size

1:16:35

yeah. Also, I'm pretty sure

1:16:38

sweaters come in like medium,

1:16:40

large, like, okay,

1:16:43

you know what I am, I am very

1:16:45

confused by the sizing it Talbots or wherever

1:16:47

this woman is getting

1:16:48

I was gonna say, maybe he is gonna

1:16:50

get her like an expensive sweater

1:16:53

from some expensive department store

1:16:55

where.

1:16:56

Yeah.

1:16:56

sized

1:16:57

Right,

1:16:58

they're made of like alpaca wool or whatever.

1:17:01

Mm-hmm.

1:17:01

Yeah. Seriously?

1:17:03

I will say though, like I

1:17:06

think we're supposed to feel like j t t is

1:17:08

being unreasonably hard on his dad

1:17:10

for remarrying, but 10 months

1:17:12

after his mom died,

1:17:14

That's a lot.

1:17:16

met someone, been engaged

1:17:18

and then get married, like that is a

1:17:20

pretty short amount of time. I

1:17:22

would also be a little suspicious of

1:17:24

the timeline. It's a little bit of like

1:17:26

Olivia Wild Harry Styles

1:17:28

Mm-hmm. .Mm-hmm.

1:17:30

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1:17:34

I mean, ugh. It's

1:17:36

rough all the way around. But you

1:17:38

know, he works for the vice president, like,

1:17:40

He works with vice

1:17:40

It's fine. It's gonna

1:17:41

yeah,

1:17:42

yeah.

1:17:45

his, his story is the novella,

1:17:48

you know, like he gets the novella.

1:17:50

Yeah. Dad widowed,

1:17:52

single dad.

1:17:54

Ah-huh.

1:17:54

Gets swept off his feet by someone who

1:17:56

just really loves sweaters.

1:17:58

Absolutely. And has outlandish

1:18:00

ideas of sizing.

1:18:02

And then, the, the sister

1:18:04

series to this can be your new Camelot series.

1:18:07

Sierra.

1:18:08

Yes, yes, yes,

1:18:10

yes. yes. yes.

1:18:12

Ooh,

1:18:15

All right. things

1:18:17

are getting spicy.

1:18:18

We did it

1:18:19

Yeah. We solved

1:18:21

the problem of, of

1:18:23

I'll be home for Christmas.

1:18:24

I'll tell you what, we got a lot accomplished

1:18:27

today. We've planned an entire new series.

1:18:29

Yeah.

1:18:30

we found the secret of like, you know,

1:18:32

working with friends and it is yes.

1:18:34

Anding each other into oblivion.

1:18:36

yeah.

1:18:38

I learned about mate,

1:18:41

Stake tartar. I guess it

1:18:44

would've been horse. Horse

1:18:46

tartar for Genus Khan.

1:18:48

Oh.

1:18:50

Is it a little weird to like

1:18:52

tenderize your horse meat using

1:18:55

a living horse? Yeah.

1:18:57

No, I think that's just resourceful,

1:19:00

you know? Plus it really keeps the horses

1:19:02

in line like, you know what could happen

1:19:04

to you,

1:19:05

You could be. You could be what I'm tenderizing

1:19:07

right. now instead of the tenderizer.

1:19:10

throw me. I'll tell you, but I'll tell you that much

1:19:14

That's great. I, I like that. That makes

1:19:16

me happy.

1:19:20

We like horses. Just everyone knows, by

1:19:22

the way.

1:19:22

Yeah. No, not

1:19:25

mm-hmm. I mean,

1:19:26

I mean, yeah, if I have to

1:19:28

Yeah.

1:19:29

if I, if I'm stranded in

1:19:31

a cold place and I have to like

1:19:33

crawl into it like Luke Skywalker

1:19:36

does with the white furry

1:19:38

animal, then

1:19:40

Yeah. And isn't there that,

1:19:42

um, that Jack London

1:19:44

book too,

1:19:45

Oh,

1:19:46

or he does that with a horse? We don't

1:19:48

London. See, everyone's

1:19:50

teasing me for knowing about 17 hundreds

1:19:53

linen under things. I have never

1:19:55

even read a Jack London book, Anyway,

1:20:01

the point is, is that I'm neutral to horses.

1:20:03

I'm not gonna go outta my way to like hunch

1:20:06

it like I'm someone at the Olympics, but like,

1:20:08

if I gotta eat a horse, that's what happens to me.

1:20:11

You know,

1:20:11

Okay.

1:20:12

Yeah. It's part of the hero's journey.

1:20:14

Yeah,

1:20:15

depending on the circumstances.

1:20:19

Okay. Okay. All

1:20:21

oh my God. Thank you for coming

1:20:23

today. Thank you so much. Oh,

1:20:26

thank you for writing this fucking amazing

1:20:28

book. I am obsessed

1:20:30

with it. I've been telling everybody that you guys

1:20:32

wrote the Christmas book. I've always

1:20:34

wanted, and

1:20:37

yeah. So thank you personally.

1:20:39

Thank you. We had like a

1:20:42

criminal amount of fun writing it. Like it feels,

1:20:44

I almost feel guilty that it's my job

1:20:47

to write these books because we just

1:20:49

absolutely are as silly as

1:20:51

we wanna be. Um, so

1:20:53

yeah, it's, it's a very zany

1:20:55

book. Like I think if you, you look

1:20:57

at the cover and you're like, this looks like a professional

1:21:00

book that was written by professional people,

1:21:03

It was, that's also true

1:21:06

it's, it's it's

1:21:07

the reader's standpoint.

1:21:12

We were just, you know, and there's no

1:21:14

asides about steak tartar. I can promise

1:21:16

that I did spare everyone that

1:21:19

in this book.

1:21:19

I did. Yeah. I'm, I'm kind of hoping

1:21:22

Book two has some footnotes or something, you

1:21:24

know what I mean? I don't know. Sierra

1:21:26

Simone. Footnotes.

1:21:27

I mean, Sears Mountain's footnotes are probably

1:21:30

literally

1:21:31

Yeah,

1:21:32

that's true. That's very true.

1:21:35

Listen, you can add, you can add

1:21:37

a little fetish in there. It's fine. That's

1:21:40

good stuff.

1:21:41

look, melody

1:21:42

don't you worry. Yeah, melody said so. It's done.

1:21:45

It's done.

1:21:47

so the gloves are off. Julie

1:21:49

Oh my gosh. Okay.

1:21:51

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Um,

1:21:54

yeah, I'll talk to you later.

1:21:56

All right, bye.

1:22:04

Y'all. I had an absurd amount

1:22:06

of fun with Julie

1:22:08

and Sierra. Um, but you

1:22:10

know, while I was editing the episode, I

1:22:12

did start to wonder how a horse meet

1:22:15

comes up so much on this show. You

1:22:17

know what I mean? Whatever. I'm not complaining.

1:22:20

So thank you for listening. My

1:22:22

lady love for today is take

1:22:24

a break if you need one. I

1:22:27

was incredibly nervous about taking

1:22:29

this hiatus, but it's

1:22:31

given me so much energy to put

1:22:34

back into the show and

1:22:36

the HB community. Overall. Next

1:22:39

week I'll be back with

1:22:41

Jen Comfort recapping

1:22:43

that new Lindsay Lohan

1:22:46

Netflix, Christmas movie, falling

1:22:48

for Christmas, and I don't care

1:22:50

what anyone says, I'm so fucking

1:22:53

stoked to. If

1:22:55

you want more of heaving bosoms, including

1:22:57

giveaways and some sneak peaks of

1:22:59

exciting things to come head

1:23:01

over to patreon.com/heaving

1:23:04

bosoms podcast. All

1:23:06

right, keep being a badass

1:23:09

and love yourself as much as you love

1:23:11

back pocket steak tartar, the

1:23:13

traditional bus snack.