0:00

Do you ever feel like. There's just something.

0:03

You don't even know what it is. You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.

0:10

When I look at a photo, I make I think to myself.

0:14

This. Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.

0:20

This is the thing I can't name. The here it is.

0:23

It's right here. And it's over here and I've made it.

0:27

Thousands of times. I've I've seen it.

0:30

I can touch it. Outside of me.

0:33

This thing that I can't get at.

0:37

I get at it. In a million.

0:39

Different ways This, this, this, this, this.

0:45

Just as mysterious even though I'm looking at it.

0:49

Whether it's my personal work or my client work.

0:52

With my quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.

0:59

My whole life is about. A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.

1:05

I've encountered it. Regularly, I'd say.

1:09

And yet. Unrest.

1:14

What is that? Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.

1:21

It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.

1:28

My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.

1:38

One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.

1:52

You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.

2:00

All you have to do is see. In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.

2:19

Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.

2:23

You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.

2:29

What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.

2:52

Come exactly as you are.

2:54

It's perfect. Honor your instincts.

2:58

Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.

3:05

Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.

3:13

Let's dive in. Hello? Hello.

3:16

And welcome to another episode of help me see.

3:20

I am. Damn near whispering right now because it is.

3:27

Five in the fucking morning. Um, I just got back last night around five.

3:39

Um, From my trip. I went to San Francisco.

3:43

I went to. Nashville for a conference and.

3:47

And then we did a road trip back.

3:51

To Ohio. And I woke up at 3:00 AM with my eyes just being, and I just laid there.

4:01

For. An hour and a half.

4:06

And I was like, okay. This isn't happening.

4:12

And it really annoyed me that I couldn't fall back asleep because.

4:18

I just felt so much gratitude because I was laying there.

4:22

Sandwiched between my 95 pound dog.

4:27

And my three-year-old. like both of them right up against me.

4:31

And I was like, oh my gosh, this is just the sweetest.

4:34

Just one of those moments where you feel so grateful.

4:38

And. I once again.

4:47

I was like, okay, Bianca, just relax.

4:51

There's nothing to do.

4:53

Nowhere to be. Just sink into this and go back to sleep.

4:58

Well, You see how that went because I'm here talking to you right now at five 16 in the morning.

5:10

And then it reminded me on the plane.

5:13

I was reading and taking notes and.

5:16

And, um, Most times when I take notes, furiously, like I can't for the fucking life of me read my own handwriting.

5:26

And. I went and got my notebook and I turned to this page that I like faintly remembered.

5:34

Where it was. Because I also don't write in order in my notebook.

5:40

And I mean, listen, sometime, do you start a thought? And you're like, mm, I'm not done with this, but I, I need to take a break from that.

5:47

So I want to leave view pages so that I have space to go back to that and have that writing there.

5:52

And then. Okay. There's a whole thing.

5:55

I want to explain this to Ben. And he was like, There's something.

6:00

Probably wrong. I'm like, whatever you don't understand.

6:07

Anyway. I wrote.

6:11

With a little star by it. Do you ever feel like.

6:16

There's something inside of you. That no matter what.

6:21

You do. You just cannot touch.

6:29

Do you ever feel like. There's just something.

6:34

And you don't know what it is. And you just cannot touch it.

6:40

We keep just cannot. Get to it.

6:43

You don't. You don't even know what you're looking for.

6:46

You don't even know what it is. You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.

6:54

I don't know. This is making me laugh because, um, uh, this past weekend, when I went to this conference, there was something that I.

7:02

I said enough. Like, does anyone feel like.

7:07

It's literally.

7:09

Nothing. Correct. I mean, it was fine.

7:17

Everyone was so sweet. But, yeah, there's just.

7:21

Absolute. Crickets. So as I'm saying this.

7:27

Right now. You very well may be on the other side of those thinking or just being like, mm.

7:36

It's just you, babe. But I don't know.

7:39

I kind of don't believe that either. I don't.

7:43

I just. Sometimes, I think that there are these feelings that are unsayable that we have, and we.

7:52

Can't explain it. And it's just a feeling, so, and we don't name it, but sometimes.

7:58

We need other people's like really weird attempts to.

8:03

Name it. In order to identify it in ourselves.

8:06

And I think that's a really, really, really big reason why.

8:10

Thorough myself, fling myself out into the abyss.

8:15

So often. Because I know.

8:18

That I need that so much.

8:21

Whenever I encounter an artist, a writer at anyone, anyone, any person that says something.

8:28

And I was like, oh my God. Yeah, that was it.

8:32

Oh my gosh. That yes. Yes.

8:34

I never isolated in that way.

8:37

I never. Was able to touch it like that before, but thank you.

8:42

Um, so in this case, I'm not actually identifying anything other than the fact that I can't identify whatever this.

8:52

Itch is that I can't scratch.

8:54

Um, Let me see, what else would I write? Uh, Um, Yeah.

9:09

So after I wrote that I'm like sitting there.

9:13

Unsatisfied. Like, I don't want to Geoff, I don't want to just.

9:19

Be like, yep. There's that thing I was like, okay.

9:21

But what is it? Let me try here. And then I wrote, it's like, when something really hits me.

9:32

I almost can't even bear it.

9:35

It's almost as if. It has to be.

9:40

One one. 25th.

9:43

I have a second of exposure. Like on a camera.

9:48

Because if it were any longer, I'd be afraid of what would become of me.

9:59

Who is thinking about how, oh, it makes so much sense that.

10:05

There are so many times where I'd rather just be with the pictures than in my life.

10:12

I said there's like the stillness.

10:16

That's there. There's a control. That's there.

10:19

There's like a there spaciousness.

10:23

That's. There when I have my photographs on my computer in front of me and I'm like touching them, you know, and editing and.

10:31

Looking in, you know, doing whatever I'm doing.

10:35

And in. Real life.

10:38

Like, I guess if we want to. Like right.

10:41

A couple hours ago and I'm laying in bed and, um, So grateful it's like, why did I leave bed? To come.

10:51

And talk about it.

10:54

I mean. Specifically think, oh, well let me go record a podcast episode, but I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, but I did think I just can't.

11:03

I rest my brain, my brain, I'm so awake and I keep tossing and turning and they're literally both up against me.

11:10

So I was like, I'm going to wake them up. With my restlessness.

11:17

And that restlessness it's like.

11:21

Such a. Part of me.

11:25

I feel like my restlessness is like a main component of me.

11:30

And I don't know how to feel about that.

11:32

I don't know. Sometimes I think it's good.

11:39

And sometimes I think it's bad. It's probably neither.

11:46

It just is. I think that.

11:56

That's definitely a huge part of.

12:01

This thing I'm speaking to, it's like, I find that.

12:05

And I wonder as like, You know, with makers, with creators, with people that are trying to.

12:14

or not trying to the people that are visually creating.

12:18

Things that are. Commentary reflections.

12:24

Um, Representations of some of the most meaningful things in their lives.

12:33

I can't help, but. Be more fascinated by everything that comes before it than the actual object.

12:42

And that is such a parallel to my life experience.

12:46

Right. I think about how my most cherished things in life that I love so much.

12:52

I find myself not being able to get close enough.

12:55

Like. Physically and in mentally and with my camera, like I love close.

13:02

Uh, like closer, closer, closer.

13:06

And simultaneously. It's like, I feel this inability to be with it.

13:12

I feel this. This arm's length.

13:15

Thing that happens. It's like, I can't get close enough.

13:19

And also I'm holding my arm out.

13:21

Absolutely. And.

13:27

It's the same with. Pictures.

13:33

Nd then the inevitable question that comes from that is like, But what would, what would happen? Like what would it look like to.

13:43

Try something different in that situation.

13:46

I don't even know what that means. Like what, like.

13:51

Refused to take. A picture, refuse to let myself leave.

13:55

A situation that I'm like, so antsy and restless in.

14:00

Um, I don't know.

14:07

Because I find that even if you're physically.

14:11

Making yourself do something. The mental component is so much.

14:17

Stronger. The monkey mind of like, Running in circles.

14:24

I could still be happening, even if you're like, no, I will sit my ass.

14:28

On this couch and watched them play.

14:31

And P in my life. So going back to a.

14:38

I was saying before. Um, so much.

14:43

More fascinated with. Everything around.

14:49

The thing. Like, like if it's the picture or the piece of art, like.

14:55

How can I love something so much? As like a single piece of art.

15:01

I could like bring me to tears. That's like, What I feel is like the most profound thing you can make.

15:10

In honor and acknowledgement and recognition of something you witnessed and experienced and our processing and our thinking and our feeling.

15:18

And. And yet. I think the thing itself is.

15:27

So it can be so reductive. Like, it's not anything compared to.

15:34

Everything that went into. It's creation everything that its creation causes afterwards.

15:47

It's like I constantly come back.

15:51

To the nothingness.

15:54

That I've feared. For, so.

15:58

Long in my life ever since I was able to conceptually.

16:04

Got cognitively. I mean, like under process or understand, I don't even think, I, I don't understand, but like when my brain been on to that, like a dog with a bone, Oh, my gosh.

16:14

One day, nothing. We'll exist one day.

16:19

Death. One day. Just nothing.

16:23

Nothing, nothing matters. And furiously.

16:32

Wanting to combat that. And then, you know, Making it, my life.

16:42

To contend with. The nothingness and finding everything in the nothingness in every way possible.

16:52

And yet. And yeah, I am still.

16:59

So fucked up. Oh, my gosh.

17:08

Still like, so fucking perplex.

17:12

It's like, Have I had the same conversation with myself in four cotillion, different ways.

17:20

If you've listened to all these episodes, you might be like, yeah.

17:23

As specifically, I've heard about a hundred of 'em.

17:26

Um, A hundred episodes.

17:32

What is this 1 0 1, 1 0 2. Um, Oh, This makes me think about something.

17:43

Uh, So my absolute.

17:48

Favorite. Photographer.

17:54

I mean, I don't even it's if it feels like saying my favorite photographer, cheapen, this.

18:00

I don't even, I have goosebumps just thinking. About how, what I feel and think about this person.

18:07

Um, And I've never met him.

18:10

Um, he's passed a bit ago.

18:14

Uh, Larry Salton. He.

18:18

I don't. I find that so many people that I've talked about that I mentioned M two.

18:23

Um, Don't know him. I don't, I don't know.

18:27

I don't know why, or I don't, I don't know.

18:31

Um, But. He.

18:36

Has this.

18:38

Way of. Being in.

18:43

His life. And being in the world.

18:48

That resulted in.

18:50

Such. Beautiful pictures he did a.

18:53

Project. On his parents.

18:56

I mean, he always documented his parents.

18:59

Pictures from home. Is is my favorite.

19:04

Body of his work, but he also did.

19:07

Amazing like work collaborations.

19:10

with found photographs with people like Mike Mendell and, I don't even have the.

19:18

I can't talk about him at five 30 in the morning, too.

19:20

Exhausted by it. But he.

19:26

Made it a point in his book to include.

19:30

Such powerful text.

19:33

That included. Words and perspectives from his parents.

19:38

And, um, And he didn't adhere to.

19:43

Uh, type of. Process a type of photography.

19:48

He. He, I mean, like obviously using found photographs, uh, you know, Using film using his words.

19:59

Using, um, pictures of objects to communicate.

20:03

Uh, and comment on whatever he was looking at.

20:08

But bringing his parents into the conversation and also.

20:16

Being open to staging photographs because.

20:23

Finding the moment in it. Documentary sense.

20:28

Wasn't. Enough. Uh, at for some things that there were portraits that he had in his brain that he wanted to make.

20:35

There were, there were symbols representations.

20:39

That he was playing with and he wasn't going to be confined by.

20:45

You know, Documentary.

20:48

Photojournalism. Versus like, there's a very specific picture I want to make and yeah, I'm staging it.

20:57

What does that mean? What does that have to mean? Um, There's this.

21:09

Blurb about blurb. There's this paragraph about how there's this one night or afternoon or something like that, that he went news.

21:20

His parents were him and his mom was taking a nap and her foot was like sticking out from the blanket.

21:26

And it was like the underside of her foot. Or something to that effect.

21:30

And he was like, I never saw the underside of her foot before in that way, or I never looked at it or I never, you know, It just.

21:40

Shook him and. And he had this thought around.

21:46

Just never want. My parents to go.

21:49

I want them to live forever. And it's like these trigger points.

21:54

That happen. That you.

22:01

When you allow yourself to linger with them. They give you so much more.

22:07

They give you so much. Grounding, they give you so much.

22:12

Um, So many like internal messages about.

22:20

How you want to be living your life and what is important to you and.

22:26

Yada, yada, yada, I can't even, I, sorry.

22:29

Let me drink my coffee. Getting tired again.

22:35

This'll be great. It's 5 38.

22:37

I'm ready to go to bed and my kids are going to be up any second.

22:44

Um, Anyway with him.

22:48

I have traveled for his, like, I've gotten on planes to go to his shows and, you know, The LACMA and.

22:57

Um, I remember here he was the first.

23:01

Big purchase. Quote-unquote big I'd ever made.

23:05

When I was younger, like I remember I spent like $500 on.

23:10

A book that was signed by him. On eBay and it was four bill love Larry or something? I'm like, Bill.

23:18

What the fuck? How can you spell? And I remember the.

23:23

You know, the perfect, like shrink, wrapped version of that book with available for much less.

23:29

And I was like, I have to have the thing that he touched and I don't get like that.

23:34

Like I'm not. And there's so few.

23:40

Things that I care about in that way, like in a.

23:44

I don't know. How would you say it like a celebrity way or in a like glorified way, but I just feel so connected to him.

23:50

And maybe that sounds creepy anyway. Um, But it's like with him.

23:57

I'm so devastated that there's no more work to be made.

24:02

From him. Like live.

24:06

And., I ache for that.

24:10

And I also. Avoid.

24:14

Pursuing. Learning more.

24:16

About him. I have this book about him, like literally about his lightweight.

24:21

I think it's just called blurry Sultan. Uh, biography or whatever it is.

24:26

I haven't read it. Do you have any books? I've read.

24:31

This is my favorite for. It's like, I feel like I can't bear it.

24:34

I don't, I don't. What.

24:39

It's insane. I've never from cover to cover.

24:45

Read that book of his. In one go.

24:49

I just can't. It's like, I, I always have to close it.

24:54

Or go to a random spot in the book.

24:57

Spend some time and then put it away, I guess.

24:59

I just cannot. Take it in, in one sitting.

25:04

I don't even want to, I feel like.

25:08

I don't know. Uh, it, it feels like the same common thread.

25:13

With everything else I'm talking about. It's like, maybe that like once I, I do it's done, like I can't.

25:23

Have that experience again, because there's no more.

25:25

Stuff to be made or like add.

25:28

I don't know. I have just always found that the things that I.

25:36

Love the most, like really hurt me.

25:41

And I don't mean like in a. You know, scorn me or, you know, I mean, it just.

25:49

Feels unbearable. And that's why I make pictures.

25:56

And also the pictures don't satisfy me.

26:02

It's insatiable. The practice itself is the point.

26:13

So whenever I have the picture,, I love it so deeply and I'm most like, and that's not the point.

26:21

And then. I think that what drives me wild is that.

26:29

If I know that's not the point. And I feel that's not the point.

26:37

And I know that everything before and the process and the experience and the witnessing and all of that is the point.

26:48

The, why do I keep taking myself out of that to make the pictures.

26:58

And to be with the pictures.

27:06

Do you know, Do you.

27:12

Do you have an answer? Do you have you mold over this? Do you relate to this? Do you.

27:21

I don't know. My relationship with picture making and creating and processing.

27:29

Feels. Like home to me.

27:34

And it is my way of. Digesting consuming.

27:39

My life. Eating my life.

27:44

And. The ferociousness, the restlessness just makes me.

27:50

Question. Like what is going on here? When I look at a photo, I make a.

28:04

I think to myself. This.

28:10

Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.

28:13

This is the thing I can't name. The here it is.

28:17

It's right here. And it's over here and I've made it.

28:21

Thousands of times. I've I've seen it.

28:24

I can touch it. Outside of me.

28:34

This thing that I can't get at.

28:37

I get at it. In a million.

28:41

Different ways in a million different times, I've taken a picture.

28:45

And then I look at it and I'm like, This, this, this, this, this.

28:56

But there's no finality in it and there's no.

29:00

I don't know, it just seems to be just as mysterious to me.

29:04

Just as mysterious as E even though I'm looking at it.

29:09

In a million different ways through a million different people, through a million different scenarios, whether it's my personal work or my client work.

29:17

Or whatever it is. With my real quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.

29:27

My whole life is about. A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.

29:35

And in the combination that have some words with a photo, like.

29:39

I've encountered it. So much.

29:44

Regularly, I'd say. And yet.

29:50

Unrest. What is that? I think the greatest piece that I find in this.

30:08

Kerfuffle. What a strange word to call it.

30:15

Uh, is. The greatest piece I find.

30:20

From this. Is that I know.

30:26

That I am locked in with what I know to be.

30:33

The most important.

30:36

Dance. I could be dancing for myself, right? Dancing with a question and having questions is so much more important than to having an answer, but we're human and.

30:51

That doesn't stop me from wanting.

30:55

An answer or something that quells.

30:58

MI. You know, like it gives me.

31:01

Peace and stillness. but. The practice itself is the point.

31:08

Well, I got the point down, pat, let me tell you I'm in this practice.

31:15

But I still feel like. Maybe one day, maybe one picture.

31:21

Well, Tell me the thing.

31:24

I don't know what the thing is, but it'll tell me maybe.

31:32

Oh boy. It's kind of like. I remember when.

31:39

Well, I mean, commercials are still a thing. You don't pay to remove your heads.

31:43

But growing up. Anytime there's a commercial.

31:46

I'd like go out to the fridge. Uh, CNN.

31:50

There's nothing in here. I want. Go back inside your bedroom.

31:55

And the next commercial go back and check. See if anything new has appeared within the last 12 minutes.

32:04

Maybe I missed something, maybe something new will pop up to me.

32:08

Maybe I'll realize that I actually do want this or.

32:12

Blah, blah, blah. Okay.

32:20

I hope that.

32:24

You have a beautiful day. Keep me in your thoughts.

32:31

As I wrap this. This recording at 5:52 AM.

32:38

And anticipate hearing little footsteps.

32:41

At any moment. I've been up since three, already.

32:49

Yeah. I just hope that, you know, Whatever.

32:59

Whatever your version of this is whatever.

33:03

Lifelong question, whatever.

33:08

Whatever this is for you., Purity of intent.

33:17

That lives inside Of you.

33:19

Through your making. Through you're creating in whatever version that is.

33:26

Through your photography, your painting, your writing, your conscious parenting, your home, making your, whatever it is.

33:33

You're singing. Whatever it is.

33:38

That is. That is it.

33:43

Anything else is just bonus.

33:47

And any. Fucked up part is I feel like any quote-unquote answer we can feel like we find.

33:54

It's probably transient anyway.

33:57

Depending on what version of self has discovered it.

34:00

So. Basically all the last, however many minutes of your life is moot point because.

34:13

Because. Even.

34:17

If you find an answer that feels satisfactory to you, that feels like an it judgment scratched.

34:25

And you went. Welcome.

34:28

I knew which will come. Okay.

34:34

I am going to finish my lukewarm coffee, maybe.

34:37

Fill her up, warm it up.

34:40

And I will see you.

34:43

Next week. Have a beautiful week.

34:48

Thank you for being here.

34:50

Thank you for listening. This has been an Awkward Sage Production.