0:00

Here Comes the Gallatine contains offensive

0:02

language, mature content and adult themes.

0:04

It is not suitable for a younger audience. This

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is a Global Player original podcast.

0:13

Hello and welcome to Here Comes the Gallatine. It's

0:15

me Frankie Boyle, Christopher McArthur Boyd and Susan

0:17

McCabe. For the next few weeks we're all off

0:19

on tour so we're going to

0:22

give you a few bonus episodes that

0:24

we recorded as pilots and a proof

0:26

of concept to seize

0:28

the prize of this glorious podcast

0:30

show. This is like listening to

0:33

a band's demos. It's like

0:35

hip. It's trendy. It's

0:39

cool. Enjoy.

0:46

I don't like or care about football

0:48

but I really enjoy learning about the

0:50

teams as we discovered when we went

0:52

to Blackburn. Oh yeah we went

0:54

to Blackburn, we got a stadium tour. Oh hold on,

0:56

I think I seen, did I see you take a penalty?

0:59

I took a penalty with an actual photograph.

1:01

You should stick to wrestling. Yeah. If you

1:03

see me take a pile driver I'm even

1:05

worse. I scored

1:07

a cracker right in the top bins man. Nice.

1:11

So what was the story? What's the story of Blackburn?

1:14

Well Blackburn, they were

1:16

really nice. Let's just

1:18

clarify before we say anything. Oh they're

1:20

really nice. Really nice people. Lovely people.

1:22

It was really great. They took us

1:24

on the tour and all that stuff.

1:27

But the highlight of the tour

1:29

is Blackburn was revitalised by this

1:31

guy Jack Walker. Right yep, Steel

1:34

Magnet. A local steel baron who

1:36

thought I'm going to plough my

1:39

money into Blackburn, make a steel

1:41

stand. That's how it started

1:43

and then you know they became successful and

1:45

all that but when you get the full

1:47

tour the highlight is. And

1:49

not everybody that gets to see this, this was

1:51

a VIP a lot of people

1:54

who worked there weren't allowed in the room and we

1:56

were like oh if you've been here before the play

1:58

I've been here once 10 years ago. Wow. there

2:01

is a special room designed

2:03

like Jack Walker's mother's

2:06

living room with

2:09

all this stuff that looks right onto the

2:11

pitch so that he could sit in

2:13

a simulacrum of his

2:15

mother's living room with like

2:17

doilies and sofas and an

2:20

old wireless. Old 1970s furniture and

2:23

TV. Yeah there was like psycho.

2:28

That's like with

2:30

all due respect any black burn overs

2:32

fans that are listening that's weird man.

2:35

That's really weird. But now

2:37

I feel anytime I'm watching football and

2:39

I'm not in a dead women's room.

2:41

I usually put this guy on after

2:43

I've killed him. Did

2:46

yep. Yep. Wow.

2:50

It's not the same is it? No it's not. No

2:53

it's not boding. Decomposing while you're watching a game

2:55

of football that's going to ruin that for

2:57

anybody. You just you could just tell it maybe.

2:59

Had other

3:02

people around you know dressed

3:04

a certain way. Oh. Saviled the body?

3:06

No say not. Saviled the body. Being

3:09

able to

3:12

appear as she

3:14

was. And you can't libel the dead? You can't

3:16

libel the dead. You can't libel

3:19

the dead. That's

3:22

a good alternative.

3:24

Yes you can't libel the dead. Welcome

3:26

to the worst and best dead people

3:28

of all time. Food

3:31

Perkins you can't libel the dead.

3:37

I just say yeah no I think I think that

3:39

sometimes going to be football stadium tours are far more

3:41

away for a couple of days and I just find

3:43

it dead interesting. Because socially I

3:45

think it's quite interesting when you look at Britain

3:47

and how much football has

3:51

an effect and not just now like

3:53

not even just now I should say

3:55

I mean further back like there's a

3:57

bit in the George

3:59

Orwell's. the road to Wigan Pier and

4:02

he talks about, so he's going round and he's

4:04

looking at all the housing and the substandard housing,

4:06

how much rent people are paying and

4:09

he goes to a local football game and he's in like

4:11

a mining town in the north of England and

4:16

I think Germany of

4:18

Miby just invaded Poland and

4:20

all people are mourning about is

4:23

that the paper has not printed

4:25

the football posters and

4:27

you're like this is 100% the way

4:29

we are now and that paper

4:33

is now just Sky and BT Sport

4:35

and it's such a mode of distraction and

4:38

it also affects the middle of the country

4:40

like you look at the Queen's

4:42

funeral for example and this might

4:44

sound a bit controversial, so

4:47

when the Queen died, someone's having the

4:49

body, I knew

4:51

it just couldn't help himself. I finally felt

4:53

that he's dressed as a group up like

4:56

his mother. No,

4:58

no, but when she

5:00

died they were like we

5:02

can't not have football on for two

5:05

weeks in a row. I

5:07

spent that weekend in Dublin and

5:10

they had a kind of amazing different

5:12

approach I bet they did. They

5:14

were probably just like how mental is

5:16

Britain? I think

5:19

they ended up lying the witch

5:21

in the wardrobe. Yeah

5:24

there was an author in

5:26

a waistcoat playing the trumpet.

5:28

They really enjoyed that and

5:30

I think it was nice to

5:32

be a part of it. As a

5:35

total digression, why does Santa turn up

5:37

in that book and give the kids

5:39

aged weapons? Like Santa turns up

5:41

and you think listen to me, I've got you a dagger, I've got

5:43

you a witch

5:45

piercing dagger. You

5:48

see that's right, the Ulysses made me my brother. My

5:50

brother was telling me last week so he was home

5:52

last week visiting me and he was telling me that

5:55

he got a toolkit one Christmas and he

5:57

was about four. I can't believe it.

6:00

Had two cats and I had

6:02

like a many hacksaw. Throw

6:04

up or screw like proper screwdrivers.

6:06

Real or is it was A.

6:08

So we hit the Salt Lake.

6:11

So. Is like a wooden sofa.

6:13

With. Way of kitchens and there will

6:15

be Sleaze Box and the east as boards

6:18

and he's late due to do do do

6:20

to do so. Now we saw the lead.

6:22

Now me the sulfur. Is easily

6:24

forth and like. this is Access Miss Pleasantness

6:26

those less and it was a real. Of

6:29

is like that little do you to make his you

6:31

with the semitism so do to me over. Here

6:33

Are you currently real? The own

6:36

weapon? soon? As. You

6:38

can get enough of Oakland! Referred me to give it to

6:40

for you. I see us. Why

6:44

is it cold? Imo. Nike's

6:46

leeway his academic who. Bacchus.

6:50

I. And Academical

6:53

yesterday. Missiles Hamilton Academical.

6:55

Bloody Cold. That. No.

6:58

Idea? maybe? I'm

7:00

just making stuff up. Nine on Openness. Yeah,

7:02

what on it's like it'll ask you why

7:04

I fail it. Is. For his

7:06

mechanics. The. A Whale mechanics

7:08

I sleep k. Locomotive.

7:11

Moscow. well they're insane. Seem conduct

7:13

for the sky, the hates his.

7:17

Sperm Bank Moon school they were to

7:19

decide that were then some came to

7:22

say is. Pleasant. Sale. Looking.

7:25

It'll setting home one night today.

7:27

Makes an academic they are. they

7:29

would academics and the a some

7:31

legal know how to spell academic

7:34

academics and the said a really

7:36

food academics our bases signaling somehow

7:38

mobile phones guess they must as

7:41

tall him he saw another has

7:43

a i'm decently came from school

7:45

yeah. There's. There's kids have

7:47

been Helmut Kohl. it's. So. That

7:49

was just a bunch of boys.

7:52

A by Messy Business was once

7:54

was a zoc a boys' club

7:56

than Dna teeth. And. In

7:59

the was a. Dindi Habernian

8:01

because Dindi actually had more

8:03

Irish immigration than anybody else.

8:06

Really? Aha, aye.

8:08

Because Irish are quite welcome Dindi. So

8:11

the, I find that hard to

8:13

play. I know. They

8:15

were the most kind of... Exotic cosmopolitan

8:18

people who'd ever been here. The Dindonians

8:20

were quite compassionate compared to a lot

8:22

of areas in Scotland. Aye. Lovely.

8:25

Have you seen anything where some cabinet

8:27

minister said, oh we need to get more over 50s

8:30

back in the workforce. You could work for

8:32

delivery. Yeah. Imagine how cold

8:35

your food would be. My mum

8:37

can't even use delivery. I mean,

8:39

what? Delivering's going to be

8:41

the death of me. Why is it that they know my postcode?

8:43

I don't think it does. What

8:49

was the argument for it? It was

8:51

just insanity. But it was like,

8:53

you know the cold thing of like people who

8:55

over 50s since the pandemic haven't

8:57

come back in the workforce? Yeah. It's

9:00

partly because they're like caring for relatives

9:02

and doing all other kinds of

9:05

horrendous things. There's a massive

9:07

gap in the workforce of women over the age

9:09

of 50 because there's, it's

9:11

a kind of twofold thing. So their

9:13

kids have went to university, went away to study.

9:17

The older relatives who are living

9:19

longer whether that be their relatives

9:21

or the in-laws are then

9:23

needing care because we don't really have a care

9:25

system in this country anymore. And

9:27

also the workplace is unsympathetic to

9:29

women of that age going through and

9:31

suffering from the menopause. Can you

9:34

imagine getting your work incentive like an

9:36

old guy, an old gammon going, listen,

9:39

I'm really struggling with the menopause. You'd just

9:41

be like, sorry love, I've got golf today.

9:43

Do you know what I mean? Also,

9:45

how's the solution tonight to taking

9:47

your menopause on an electric bike

9:50

and delivering a rolling sausage? Your

9:53

hot flashes could keep the curries warm though, that's

9:55

the thing. Put the

9:58

matass on the... you

10:00

get no idea that would be a

10:02

bubbling curry straight at your door and

10:04

a bubbling woman delivering it. I'd pay you

10:06

250 for it to be faster and I'd pay 250

10:08

for it to be hotter a little bit. Did you

10:10

pay the menopause supplement? Because

10:13

it's taking ages. I don't know what I thought

10:15

it was. I probably thought

10:18

she'd be in a Middle-aged ladies

10:20

house, correct? I'm sure there is a market

10:22

for that out

10:25

there. I don't know why you've just turned and looked at me in

10:28

one in Sinhuit and I'm Middle-aged and a

10:30

sausage and marc rack is possibly the least

10:32

thing that I want to do. It's

10:35

an option for the workforce. That's

10:43

it. Never mind any HS, just

10:45

get one to deliver to. It's

10:48

going to be a bit better to have people

10:50

come from other countries to do the jobs. Yeah.

10:52

So they've got an aging

10:55

population. I'd say they,

10:57

I'd just totally cut myself out of the rest

10:59

of society. Like who? I see the watch. Yeah,

11:03

my giant blue-headed take on

11:05

this is that the Germans

11:10

took in a million Syrian refugees, remember that? Angela

11:12

Merkel took it in. And that's because they're like,

11:14

well, we've got a whole bunch of old Germans

11:16

and we want to get these immigrants,

11:18

younger immigrants to come in, become

11:20

part of society, pay the tax

11:22

and take the jobs in the

11:24

care sector that we'll look after

11:26

these people. And also traditionally immigrants

11:29

have to work like 10 times

11:31

harder than the indigenous population because they

11:33

have to start from the bottom.

11:35

Where my mother-in-law stays,

11:38

there's quite a few Iraqi

11:41

and Syrian families and the

11:43

kids all speak really good English

11:45

and the parents have learned English and

11:48

they have two jobs. And

11:50

who's the barman in the street? Is

11:52

it any of the refugees? No, the

11:54

barman in the street is

11:56

the white guy who's indigenous to

11:58

the area. you know, and he's

12:01

the bam, he's the one that's never

12:03

had a job, that's living and benefits,

12:05

that's doing all, all the stuff that

12:07

they accuse the refugees for

12:09

and these families come, they bring

12:12

up their kids who

12:15

integrate into society and they

12:17

integrate into society and

12:19

they are made to feel welcome to

12:21

that local community and they then subsequently

12:23

contribute to that local community and our

12:25

society as opposed to the bam at

12:27

the bottom of the street who

12:30

is just a drain on

12:32

services as well, do you know what I mean,

12:34

because he's forever getting lifted, forever having

12:36

to go to court by just being a

12:39

middle aged bam, you

12:41

know, and he's not willing to

12:45

integrate and then he becomes racist

12:47

towards the people who are actually

12:49

successful because of what's

12:51

getting spewed out of her media. With

12:54

a leak going on, where are the people who are

12:56

supposed to be looking after my mum, where are the

12:58

people who are supposed to be in the NHS with

13:00

me, like, you've put them on a kind of... a

13:02

barge? A barge

13:05

that can go on fire while

13:07

it's in water, water country. They're

13:10

trying to organise an escape plan

13:12

from Rwanda, that's what the nurse

13:14

that's supposed to be looking after

13:16

you. Mummy's down, do you know

13:18

what I mean? It's quite short-sighted, isn't it? What

13:21

can we do to change this? I

13:23

think they're the people who do it. I

13:27

only have delivery ideas, I don't have any

13:31

ideas about solving

13:33

that, but yeah quite right. Maybe

13:36

we just need to do like a

13:38

Christmas carol. For who?

13:40

Like maybe 3,000 key

13:43

figures in society, any Christmas carol them?

13:46

We haunt them. We get... well we

13:48

just stage the whole thing, do you know what

13:50

I mean? We get some

13:53

actors. Idris Elba. Idris Elba.

13:55

Always. Go this way. Tilda.

13:58

Yes, crisp. She would be a

14:01

great boast of Christmas past. Yeah, yeah.

14:03

Christopher could be Tiny Tim. I could

14:05

be Tiny Tim. Or Marley. I'm up

14:07

for both. No, you're Tiny Tim. You're

14:09

too cute for Marley. I'm

14:12

too cute for Marley. Yeah. I

14:14

think I would suit a crutch. Aye.

14:17

I think that would really pull off a crutch and... What

14:20

is it, T.B.? You sound like Ted

14:22

Bundy when you say that. HAHAHAHA! Can

14:25

you have me get this, er, ceremony in

14:27

my car? HAHAHAHA! I'd

14:32

like to mess once with Conservative

14:34

Party with, er, fake ghost. It

14:36

would, to be honest, it'd come unstuck quite

14:39

quickly into the first attempt. HAHAHAHA! But

14:41

I mean, it'd be worth it. Yeah.

14:45

Would you mean they'd come in, that'd be coming out? No,

14:48

I just think they probably wouldn't think that

14:50

it was sleek. I also think Christmas caro

14:52

is a great thing, as it shows you,

14:55

rich people wouldn't change their

14:57

ways after meeting who goes.

14:59

HAHAHAHA! Yes! Yes!

15:02

Three? Yeah, you could

15:04

go Marley and then the first two. Oh, right. Let's

15:07

see what you mean. Four ghosts. Sorry, let me

15:09

put that thing about Marley again. But yeah, right.

15:11

HAHAHAHA! Marley's very much for the rest of the

15:13

week. That was so, like, Twitter, man. I know

15:15

Twitter's dead, but it's, er, four ghosts. HAHAHAHA! There's

15:18

actually four ghosts in the Christmas caro fraggie. HAHAHAHA!

15:20

Bloke. HAHAHAHA! Marley

15:23

has still been alive and is

15:25

staging the very psycho drama that

15:27

we are discussing here. HAHAHAHA!

15:30

Maybe it's like in the Batman when the scarecrow

15:32

uses fear gifts. Maybe his clanking chain had some

15:34

kind of fear-based power that, er,

15:36

activated these ghosts at Christmas time.

15:39

I don't think we can base changing

15:41

the country in a Christmas caro because

15:44

essentially the Muppets made a Christmas caro. And

15:46

where you've got Cairn at the Frog. Sponsored

15:49

by. Playing a role in a

15:51

Charles Dickens novel. I just don't think anyone's gonna

15:53

take it seriously. I don't think that's how everybody

15:56

brings down the country. Would.

16:08

You like this Ama as. Texas

16:12

Chainsaw Massacre. This Fss I could

16:15

see the Earth animal animal interface

16:17

area so metal jacket. That.

16:20

With a good one Care My eyes

16:22

pay. You get. Blown. As we've seen

16:24

here, it's okay if. He

16:28

if he can at last year's he

16:30

go figure he would be a good

16:32

them. Like closer to the think I'm

16:34

at N O K. go spend the

16:37

next feminism I am a cast. Efforts

16:40

at the Blues Brothers sisters the

16:42

slowly get. The band fights again. I'm.

16:44

Just as the month it's the. Blue

16:47

Sale for. Mothers. Blue

16:49

Velvet, the key chains and. I

16:52

could see Miss Piggy naked man. Ask

16:56

you some less picky on a car

16:58

with if it's a visit some don't.

17:00

Dan Ackroyd that would say when he's

17:03

he's him signs and muppets. Louisville it.

17:07

May. Cooking. System

17:13

A The close look at the something that says

17:15

though yeah I can our older guy it's an

17:17

excellent. It's just because maybe just get home and

17:20

be have both them and you switch a half

17:22

with looked up at that as well as if.

17:27

Is that like them up his alley? Them

17:30

off. The. Snow lame tail some

17:32

of. The dinosaurs member

17:34

enables us to love. Dana says I've

17:36

often been they compared to the little

17:38

baby and that they missiles through. This

17:40

says said let low fat face must

17:42

say none that I'm I'm I'm not

17:44

a man On and on. And

17:47

I'll settle for the last episode.

17:49

The Diocese know the media. kim.

17:53

And then usually either me is coming mogul

17:55

a day and and they all just cannot

17:57

com attempts with space. Atherton

18:00

Know that. If you feel as if

18:02

the days as as fuck and heroin beyond

18:04

belief. That. Sicily, then to the

18:06

sopranos. My year was. To

18:09

why is that there? Since I know it's a

18:11

you don't have no ambiguity is just. The

18:13

Oh your favorite Dinosaurs that Adnan. As

18:15

his late metal walk in and a Gemini plane.

18:18

If this this this this this is still

18:20

on a minor an amazing and and if

18:22

they see some dinosaurs. Less

18:24

mean teach on me. So

18:26

and stuff if he didn't

18:28

leave us all a favour

18:30

to reboot. The. Sim women

18:33

don't touch me when seen as is

18:35

to the and walked a rabid all

18:37

will on that was stronger as through

18:39

ago insert assisted my friend this him.

18:42

And Horse Bush's terminally ill. By.

18:45

Ones if you could send a

18:47

message. And had a

18:49

casual commission I got. A

18:52

zigzag supplies as a kid

18:54

and add some tests and

18:57

I sign to Stop Believing

18:59

for her. And then

19:01

I didn't unanimous in my fear for

19:03

a couple of weeks. And honestly

19:05

that was may be a must. See

19:09

someone who's dying to Istanbul? then eventually

19:11

a single anti said Aussie. So that

19:13

silly silly to ask it when Viva

19:15

Pinata up in the pub and near

19:18

elite name is illegal is a so.

19:21

Say. Denise out tonight. really busy. it

19:23

was the seat of pop for the

19:25

pulling to splice was kinda see me

19:27

at a d club or he's only

19:29

dinner. last time I know I'll have

19:31

to. Have a

19:33

safe Boss Air. And missile

19:35

overseas and boss sudden the. Was

19:38

bad. On his mental dates least

19:40

these chatty okay and caddy oh he

19:42

Nike bar. is a special

19:44

special effects as hence we use

19:46

the have nicknames summer meet tome

19:48

as the digital muti seen you

19:50

probably know tom so so told

19:52

mrs d i'm been counted musicians

19:54

very talented musician but the karaoke

19:56

this is not a loss and

19:58

beat his neck for people so there

20:01

was a guy who used to come in in

20:03

doncadets with curly blonde hair who looked like a

20:05

giant toddler. So he was

20:07

adult baby and then there was a

20:09

guy... I know

20:11

the dinosaur you get compared to. And that

20:13

is him, baby baby baby burrito as Nicola

20:15

calls me. What? Another

20:18

day baby burrito. I was like I don't

20:20

know where that even came from. But

20:23

anyway the guys who

20:25

came in at the pub and there was this guy and

20:28

he was a lovely bloke

20:31

but he didn't want to get caught with him at the bar.

20:33

You know what I mean? You know like if you're in the

20:35

pub and there's that guy you're like oh I need to

20:37

avoid him at all costs because he's just a mood hoover. And

20:40

he has to. Aye. Aye.

20:42

So the pub would be bouncing, it'd be

20:44

like the dance version of Dolly Parton's name

20:47

if I'd read the pub would be people

20:49

were dancing in tables, dancing in chairs,

20:51

they'd tie round their heads, oh it

20:53

was amazing. And then he'd got them

20:56

sing Let It Be by the Beatles and

20:58

he'd always finish it going. Well he'd

21:00

dedicate that to Monty Margaret who's died seven

21:04

years ago. And we'd all

21:06

be like what is he doing? They'd go

21:08

shine on Glasgow. Shine on. And that's how

21:10

we would finish it. And do the Tom's

21:12

like right. Trying

21:15

to put on something to bring it back up. Everyone's

21:17

like aye maybe just got the road I've got

21:19

my work in the morning. Shine

21:21

on Glasgow. Shine on Glasgow. Shine on. Where

21:37

did you get that karaoke? Did you change it a lot then? Started

21:40

with pass the time. Yeah. Did it a little.

21:42

Were you living in your room in lockdown? I

21:44

had the kids. Oh they were here. So

21:48

you got a bit of karaoke with the kids? Mmm.

21:52

They'd probably need to have a karaoke

21:54

with you. They'd probably just indulged you.

21:57

Like she's trying to drag his mid up. What

22:01

was your big song? My

22:03

go-to is Michael Jackson's Earth

22:06

song. What

22:08

about us? What about that one? Do

22:11

you do the thing where you grab the trees and

22:13

the windpeck? I don't always have trees. I'm

22:17

a competent mime. Amazing.

22:22

I technically go don't go back in anger.

22:24

I just tend to stay en-brand. What

22:28

would you have sung at the polo? At the

22:30

polo? I've only been at the polo once. Agnew

22:32

took me the night that Prince died. This

22:37

could not be more of a

22:40

cliche. If it was the

22:42

night Prince died then we were just so sad that

22:44

Agnew was like, if you really want more of them,

22:46

come down to the polo. True story. Yeah,

22:49

it was sad man. Until

22:51

you see when Madonna goes, be

22:54

a little being black. When she was in

22:56

hospital, oh my god, everybody was

22:58

like, wait a minute. I felt

23:00

like public opinion had kind of turned against

23:02

Madonna, knowing the gay community. Oh no.

23:05

She stole that baby. She stole

23:07

a baby? Okay. The baby

23:09

theft was out of order. Legally.

23:14

Legally. We have to say that she did not

23:16

steal a baby. Off-com

23:19

regulations. You cannot say

23:21

that Madonna stole a baby but she

23:24

did procure a baby. Can't say

23:26

that she didn't procure a baby. I show nobody

23:28

the fuss to do that. I know people that

23:30

have got dogs food Romania. Nobody's cancelling them. Plenty

23:34

of weird dogs. Go out back dogs. Trish.

23:38

Are you going to have a baby this time?

23:40

That dog didn't have a human dad. He

23:42

could have just given some money to. He was

23:45

like, it's not an orphan. The

23:48

dog or the baby? The baby. What? Yeah.

23:52

The baby had a dad. Yeah,

23:54

most do. And Madonna

23:57

just, she kidnapped the baby. No,

24:00

she paid for it. She bought a baby

24:02

from a man who's... Not from it, he's

24:04

just an onion farmer in... Another

24:07

country. And his onion farming get

24:09

up because his same pictures turned up in the

24:12

paper, they look quite a lot like Ghostbusters. He

24:16

was just this poor kind of Ghostbusters of

24:18

the onion world. Who you gonna call? My

24:21

donut! If

24:26

you've got a kid, did you know what? Who

24:28

you gonna call? Oh, Mad Birda! Let

24:30

me tell you something. Even

24:33

babies make me feel good! Oh,

24:40

look how we're just abusing ourselves at this point,

24:42

isn't it? Just amazing. My

24:45

song at Apollo would have been Boys of

24:47

Summer. Oh, tune, Don Henley!

24:50

But as you have said, there's

24:52

a certain time of year for that. Yeah. Is

24:55

that what I mean? What is the Boys of Summer, I had

24:57

to imagine? You can't really be waiting it in November. Late spring!

24:59

Late spring! You

25:02

could start late spring. Sometimes you sing about

25:04

the summer and winter to try and summon

25:06

the vibes. I think I could have sung

25:08

a very wistful... Do you know

25:10

what I mean? Like Downbeat? Low-fi

25:12

version of it, winter. I

25:15

could also sing California Dreaming.

25:18

California Dreaming. It's

25:20

kind of sunny. I remember I was going

25:23

out with this lassie who was

25:25

part of QMU. I

25:28

feel like it worked with QMU. It

25:30

was age appropriate. I was... I

25:33

can't reach to quite wish him. I was like

25:35

21, I think. She was 19. And

25:39

she worked for QMU. And they

25:41

had a karaoke in the QMU. And

25:44

I went up and done Perfect

25:46

Day by Lou Reed. But

25:49

do you know that charity one they've done? Where

25:51

they had everybody in it, Bobby was in it,

25:53

Westlife were in it. And

25:56

then there was that bit where they get the

25:58

gospel singers in. And the charity. and they go, you

26:03

gotta read, Joe. So I started doing

26:06

that but in the Lou Reed version,

26:08

on one knee,

26:10

going, in front of

26:13

the audience, posh to

26:16

me. And then these people came up

26:18

to me and I was like, that's a small aggress, but I gave them

26:20

it but then they started laughing at me and they were kidding on. And

26:23

that's just when I realised, that's what I like about

26:25

the comedy, is that people assume you are joking when

26:28

you do it. And then you can just

26:31

people have you genuinely screaming on one

26:33

knee. You're doing that corporates back at

26:35

the day when they just didn't understand

26:37

attitude, do you know what I mean?

26:40

I done an Arnold Clarke thing recently

26:42

and they were like, yeah, it's

26:44

been a really rough year because Cinch

26:46

has kind of just destroyed the

26:49

Car Salesman thing because it's

26:51

like the delivery of

26:53

cars basically. And they've

26:56

got Rylan who's, you know. Yeah, that's what they

26:58

were saying. I don't know much

27:00

about it but somebody told me I should finish my

27:02

set by going, fuck Cinch, fuck

27:05

Rylan, Arnold Clarke forever.

27:07

That's what it is,

27:09

they loved it. Is Arnold

27:11

Clarke a guy? Yeah. Imagine being

27:14

out here at your head at

27:16

a party or something and some

27:19

guy's like, I'm Arnold Clarke. It's

27:21

me. I think he's still alive as well,

27:23

I'm his little guy. Okay, right here. Right,

27:27

pretty sure he is. He's probably

27:29

Biblejointing. Legally.

27:33

Legally we cannot say that Arnold Clarke

27:35

is Biblejointing however. Why would they have

27:37

been getting a taxi? Exactly. Well, the

27:39

thought Peter Tobin was Biblejointing, wasn't he?

27:41

Was he not? No. But they could

27:44

have not. Well, he

27:46

just seems incredibly unlikely. For the

27:48

benefit of the listener

27:50

who may not be familiar with Biblejoint,

27:52

who was Biblejoint? Biblejoint was

27:54

a Scottish serial killer in

27:56

the 1960s who murdered women

27:58

that he met at the the Plaza

28:01

Ballroom. The Barra-land

28:03

Ballroom, aye? And

28:06

the thing was, because the Barra-land

28:11

Ballroom was considered the kind

28:13

of den of iniquity of its day though

28:16

because they used to go because there was no lacarnal

28:18

which was in Sucky Hall Street there was the

28:20

Plaza and there

28:22

was the Barra-land and a Thursday

28:25

night at the Barra-land is where men would

28:27

go who were married and slip off their

28:29

wedding ring and

28:31

it was this kind of den of iniquity it was

28:33

seen as the kind of lower one to

28:35

go in if you were there you were

28:37

up for things that maybe weren't as common

28:39

in societies with the amount. Subculture.

28:43

Yeah I just horned their

28:45

husbands really. You would say,

28:48

oh I've seen your man up the Barra's and

28:50

you would know what that meant. No that meant

28:52

everybody's wedding ring on and this was

28:54

part of the reason why he went to the Barra-lands because

28:56

it was such a den of iniquity that

28:59

he was like no, no. And was he

29:01

punishing these women further iniquity? Why are we

29:03

all getting so deep into his psyche now

29:05

man? I'm not sure. Because I watched a

29:07

murder documentary last night I'm just

29:11

tuned in. I'm

29:13

mind-hunter in this country but

29:16

he stopped. He did what,

29:19

three people? Yeah. And

29:21

then he stopped and I

29:23

like to think he just chilled out. Because

29:25

some people are late, maybe he went to

29:27

prison, maybe he joined the armed forces blah

29:30

blah blah. Maybe he just was the late

29:32

60s, maybe had some acid. And he

29:34

was like, what was that, what about pure murder and women? Mainstream?

29:38

And also shouting

29:40

the Bible at them like you would recite

29:43

passages from the Bible. You would

29:45

hear about that yeah. I had kind

29:47

of bit on my toes the minute

29:49

I heard anything from the Bible, from

29:51

any, I'd be like. Red flags. Yeah.

29:54

So you want your whole sometimes and

29:56

you let red flags just fly past

29:58

you. you

30:01

know what I mean? Like you're a

30:03

skier down now. Flags are just going

30:05

like... I've gone like... I've been like

30:07

the Chinese army

30:09

mate. I'm marching by. I

30:12

thought I'll be alright. I'll be alright.

30:14

I've never just taken that the wrong way. I'll

30:16

be alright. communist flag. What's

30:23

the red flag? So you know somebody starts

30:25

reading the Bible you go oh well maybe

30:27

that's just like that you know. I'll be

30:29

honest as a homosexual in this conversation as

30:31

soon as the Bible gets brought in a

30:33

man I am out. I'm thinking nah you're

30:35

going to murder me. That's what's

30:38

going to happen to me. Sure.

30:40

But I mean something about oh Jesus said such

30:42

as maybe they've just heard that casually but when's

30:44

there any... As Malachite.

30:47

Oh no I thought he saw... Oh

30:50

I hate him in As

30:52

Malachite. Don't

30:55

think we should share a taxi with this guy.

30:57

I'm just doing my own. And

30:59

then the taxi driver's like

31:01

I'd kill it as well mate. Jesus

31:05

airport taxi's man. Maybe

31:07

we should taxi driver the Bible. Did they ever

31:09

check if it was the same taxi? Well apparently

31:13

every guy we read here

31:16

in Glasgow was questioned so

31:18

my I suppose uncle in

31:20

law. He was taken in because he

31:22

was tall ginger and when

31:25

he was a young man he was taken in and

31:27

like obviously they didn't have DNA and stuff like that

31:29

and it was just weird with you. Who were

31:31

you? What was he doing? And they

31:33

just interviewed every guy with

31:35

ginger hair like this. Do

31:37

you think that is more anti Irish sentiment

31:39

though? Could be.

31:41

Every gang likes going red hair who hates

31:44

women. He's a broad. I

31:46

agree. But

31:48

the Bible's thing kinda throws it a bit

31:50

out of the way. So

31:53

Pete Torben was not Babel

31:55

John. Was not? Maybe

31:58

just brushed up a few Babel verses. They'd

32:00

throw him out, they'd throw him off the scene and he

32:02

was like, Scotch Hindu or something. That's what

32:04

I mean. A ginger Hindu guy? Yeah, a ginger

32:06

Hindu. That's who you're looking for. That's

32:10

a lot easier to find, that's why you do the Bible

32:12

stuff. Get it. Em...

32:16

Em... Emojorize yourself. I think when

32:18

you look at the photo fit, there's not

32:20

a bit of him that looks like he

32:22

could be Hindu. Cos, you know... It's

32:25

OK. No, a bit. Worship. No,

32:27

a bit. Worship. Even just the

32:29

shape of his face. Oh,

32:31

yeah. Yeah. It's

32:33

a very long thing. Just like you're sitting...

32:35

you get employed by the police, this is

32:37

just a knack you have and you're just...

32:40

you're just scanning through photos and stuff and

32:42

the... Oh,

32:44

it's a very northern, long,

32:46

European-type face. And

32:54

the way that Jesus is portrayed is

32:56

that when we all know that he's probably a wee

32:58

guy wearing face-to-sallow skin and brown

33:01

curly hair, as opposed to long

33:03

blond-haired and piercing blue eyes. The

33:17

only thing I was watching last night was

33:19

about Robert Black, the lorry driver

33:22

who killed him. For

33:24

some reason, I think, tragedy plus

33:27

time. Bible

33:29

John. Funny. Funny.

33:32

Black. When did that happen? 2000 and... I

33:35

mean, it just... I dunno, it's just a bit f***ing much. Too

33:37

soon? OK. He

33:40

was a bit much,

33:42

I guess. OK. I'll just leave it.

33:44

Yeah. Yeah, I believe that, though. I

33:46

believe that, yeah. Very few later moments. More crimes for the

33:48

60s. He comes back. He's

33:51

coming back. He's a manual leg. Yeah,

33:55

every week it's said a few Scottish seasons.

33:57

I really don't care. I'm just moving in.

34:00

start doing their own crimes because they only

34:02

are like three. I know which is extraordinary

34:04

for a country that's got such a violent

34:06

reputation. Well but we're just not like

34:08

together. I don't

34:11

have the admin skills to

34:14

get double figures. Aye,

34:17

aye to be good at it. I don't know where people

34:19

find the time and the day to do these things. No.

34:22

I do almost nothing. And

34:24

you're exhausted so can you kidnap

34:26

anybody? I haven't even put a

34:29

body in a barrel. I

34:32

just don't like manual labour. It burns with you. Do

34:35

you think it would suit me? They work? No.

34:40

Somebody has done manual labour. No.

34:43

It's hard to hire people for

34:45

any of that. Do you

34:47

know what I mean? Because of... because

34:50

of the very long sentences involved. Yeah. Do you

34:52

know what I mean? It's hard to get them

34:54

to do the manual bit of it. Unless maybe

34:56

for a few years you used to say I'm

34:58

making meat sculptures. And you do

35:00

a few years of meat sculptures. You get a bunch of

35:02

guys who used to... I don't know what

35:04

he's up to but I'll get rid of this one. Yeah. And

35:06

then... then you start. You've

35:08

been watching Hannibal haven't you? I've

35:10

watched all of Hannibal. Yeah. So you

35:13

just now talk about meat sculptures and

35:15

I was like oh yeah thank you.

35:17

He's been watching Hannibal. They

35:19

made it a lot

35:21

gier than it was in their books but

35:24

I think it benefited from that. Of course

35:26

they made it gier. Have you seen the

35:28

new one? No. Gillian Anderson's in the third

35:30

series. I'm all in. I'm

35:33

booked in. That's it. So you needed

35:35

to know. That's me cancelling my wedding.

35:37

Sorry I love I'm watching Hannibal head.

35:40

Gillian's in it. Yeah. She's in the

35:42

second series as well. Oh is she?

35:44

She's Hannibal's psychiatrist. Oh right

35:46

okay like they came to Clarissa. Yeah she's

35:49

because they didn't have the rights to silence the

35:51

alarms but she becomes a

35:53

kind of substitute Clarissa. I'm

35:55

all in in that because you know I think silence

35:58

of the alarms might have been very fairly lovely Dodie

36:00

Foster. Do you know what I mean? That

36:02

was just that ongoing, ongoing

36:06

teenage years. She's

36:08

not a great psychiatrist I wouldn't say

36:10

because she fails to notice that her

36:12

client who is clearly accountable is not

36:16

eating, is she is eating people? That's the

36:18

thing about them. I think she does know

36:20

in the show she does know so you'd

36:22

say there's ethical issues there. Yeah. I don't

36:24

know how impinges on her good shoes it's

36:26

psychiatry. She has a

36:28

lot of very arch conversations with

36:30

her mother. About eating people yeah.

36:32

Who plays Hannibal? Oh

36:34

imagine Ickles. And he's grand. Is

36:37

he good? He's very good. He's

36:39

always like what's he says?

36:41

My wife and I would like to have you

36:44

for dinner. They like to get that line in.

36:46

And then there's a plate with a need on it.

36:49

When you catch this cannibal guy that's kicking

36:51

up out where is he? And Hannibal's like.

36:54

His colon must be in a state. Yeah.

36:57

Yeah. I know how

36:59

it feels. No

37:02

okay right I've started watching it. You'd like

37:04

it? Yeah. Very good. I like the bit where they

37:06

get all the bodies in the silo, the grain silo

37:08

and he stitches all the bodies together to make a

37:10

big painting. That's quite good. Wow.

37:12

Um. Well there's

37:14

some great bits but it's just

37:17

very very sexual and. He

37:20

sort of achieved peak gay. I think that's why he didn't

37:22

come back because he looked like a guy. I can't get

37:24

gay after this yeah.

37:26

I loved it. That was good. Yeah

37:29

Jillian Anderson man. You're

37:32

a big Jillian head Susie. I

37:34

am. I love Jillian. Loved her

37:36

like since she was scully. I

37:39

have always been into Jillian Anderson then.

37:42

Then she'd get cast a

37:44

stature and that killed her man. That

37:47

killed her. I'm trying to get her back but. She's

37:49

going to have to do a

37:51

lot worse. I just

37:53

think she's naturally

37:59

sexually. alluding and I've also got a thing

38:01

for like ratings. I think Thatcher

38:04

had a... no. Allure. I

38:07

think your face is within touch and distance

38:09

in my feet. Young Thatcher and the young

38:12

Queen? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, sure. Erm...

38:15

no. Well, the early end isn't

38:17

as Thatcher. It was a quandary.

38:20

But I got over it. He's

38:22

like, urgh! Are those

38:24

like double points for me? Oh

38:27

noooo... Come

38:30

on, boys. That was a good ep. It

38:32

was a good series of The Queen... of The Crown I think, when

38:35

she was in it. Yeah? I watched The

38:37

Crown, I just think, who watches this movie? It's

38:40

good. I watched it, yeah. It's good. That

38:42

episode with a guy who broke into the

38:45

Queen's house. Michael Fagan? Yeah. That was a

38:47

cat looking Glasgow who doesn't remember him. He

38:51

was a child. Kibberly, Kibberly just

38:53

outed me my eyes. Hey,

38:57

hey, hey, Michael Fagan. Michael

38:59

Fagan. Michael Fagan. Was

39:02

that a kitten? No, obviously not. He wasn't

39:04

named that in reference to Fagan.

39:07

No, obviously it's an actual name.

39:09

Right. Obviously it's an actual name.

39:12

Adopted a Dickensian identity before... Do

39:14

you think he was trying to

39:16

Christmas carol The Queen? Amazing. Maybe.

39:18

Flying contains. Michael

39:20

Marley. Michael Marley. He's

39:23

a misunderstood figure. His

39:25

daughter was taken off him, I believe, and

39:28

he went in a couple of times. He

39:30

was... he was

39:32

unemployed. He was really down

39:35

in his luck. And he

39:37

was really frustrated at the state of the country

39:39

when he was in 1983, something like that. Yeah.

39:41

Which you can kind of understand, and I don't think

39:44

breaking into the Queen's bedroom is the best idea, right?

39:46

But the fact that he was just like... I don't

39:48

know what he'd do in my life anymore. And

39:51

he kind of went that far gone. Some

39:53

people start you before it, some people sneak

39:55

into Fuckingham Palace. That's it. It works for

39:57

the B.Larcy and the BFG. Yeah,

40:00

I can't it work for Michael

40:03

Fagan was BFG pre Fagan No

40:06

would have been post Fagan when I wrote

40:10

And this is a common it's

40:12

a common pub argument everywhere which

40:14

came first I

40:20

just felt so bad for him because he was a

40:22

giant to us but to the rest of the giant

40:25

She was above a runt of the letter, you know,

40:27

I think also if you dug into his history

40:29

about he probably would have eaten some children Amazing.

40:32

I like his side. No one starts out vegetarian

40:37

If all your brothers are

40:39

eating veins, yeah, you are probably eating

40:42

veins until you get fed up but

40:44

maybe yeah Who

40:47

was this thing he stole dreams or something

40:49

he delivered dreams He caught

40:51

dreams in some place and

40:53

then like the bad giants would place

40:55

kind of trumpet nightmares in the kids

41:01

It was Did

41:04

they not did they not just dig a big hole at the

41:06

end of it and put all the bad Giants in there and

41:08

then like drunk people go in and get you Really

41:12

fall in there's like a cannon not tall enough

41:14

fence around the giant pit and

41:16

red drunk people fall into the pit And get ate

41:18

by all the bad Giants if you get a sequel

41:20

to the BFG in your head I

41:26

don't remember that. Do you remember this? I don't remember the

41:28

BFG Just

41:32

come up on Google if you type like which came first

41:34

be if you oh my god The

41:39

FG came out before fagan

41:41

1983 There

41:44

was something in there He

41:47

had read He's probably working

41:49

his way through the books and he was

41:51

going to rob some chickens from a farm

41:54

Phidies Phidies Phidies wife cat food

42:00

I stopped him and he did. Maybe

42:08

the Twits was a kind of, um, uh, registered

42:12

handbook. You know, if you really want to

42:14

kill the Queen, just dump bleach in our

42:16

basin and then feed it to her. I

42:19

feel that the Twits are heavily overlooked.

42:21

By who? I think Matilda and the BFG get

42:24

more press and publicity than the Twits. I

42:33

think it's because the Twits is where they kind of strip

42:36

back the facade of this is a wonderful

42:38

adventure to a chocolate factory. It was just,

42:40

you don't like these two people, let's poison

42:42

them with household items. Aye.

42:45

Which was obviously class. It really, it really

42:47

spoke to me when I was eight years old.

42:49

That's all I'm saying. The Twits

42:52

felt very much like real life. It

42:54

was an accessible fantasy. It

42:56

was pretty much every one of my

42:58

mates' families as I was growing up.

43:01

That's the eye. Just mum and dads

43:03

hated each other. Some

43:06

people feel the Twits exhibits

43:08

Dal's antisemitism. Really? And

43:11

that he's sort of meant them to be Jews. There's

43:14

a lot of that in him and

43:16

his private life and professional life,

43:18

I think. There's

43:22

that bit where he's like, you know, and if you're a nice

43:24

person, you've got a lovely face and if you're not a nice

43:27

person, you've got a not a very little guy and he just

43:29

draws a kind of Nazi

43:31

propaganda face. Wow.

43:36

It's pretty rotten. Wow.

43:40

I did not know that. Have you read his Ella Boggess

43:42

here? No. I'm

43:44

not a significant chunk of Roald Dahl, but

43:46

he was mental. My name is

43:48

mental. But anyway, I was watching this thing

43:50

and going live and it was how Roald Dahl

43:52

just the thingy and he shed, right in the

43:54

shed. But he had things like he got

43:57

his, um, Twents was taken out and

43:59

they had them in a little jar and just

44:01

came in and had a drink.

44:29

I can't

44:34

believe that out of this conversation Michael

44:36

Fagan has come off better than you

44:40

have. We rolled out and

44:42

dreamed about it but Fagan did it and

44:44

that's something to be said for that. Fagan

44:47

never went with the intention of hurting the

44:49

Queen. He just wanted to speak to her. Did

44:52

the Queen get out of the BFG? Did he try and kill the Queen? She

44:54

wanted to get in there to tell him about the

44:57

giant problem which maybe was a

44:59

metaphor for social inequality. Which

45:02

is what Michael Fagan was suffering

45:04

from. That obviously meant illness right

45:06

but he was making a

45:09

tiny robe or a hostage or hut. He

45:11

was just like your country's

45:13

a riot. I'm

45:16

pro-Fagan and the A's

45:20

and also and Dickens. I'm

45:23

pro-Fagan the child catcher. I

45:26

think he had some great points. People

45:28

call you the child catcher. I know what

45:30

people call you sometimes. I don't think you're

45:33

getting confused with Trey Chay Bang Bang. He

45:38

did have a bunch of children who got to

45:40

steal stuff but you're thinking of. I'm

45:42

thinking of the child catcher. Who

45:45

has also worked and depicted a

45:47

certain way. I

45:50

think we've covered

45:52

a lot of ground. I

45:58

think people come out knowing more. About

46:00

Michael Fagan? Stuff that they'd like to

46:02

forget. LAUGHTER That's

46:11

it this week for Here Comes The Guillotine.

46:13

We'll be back next week with more anti-authoritarianism

46:16

and chummy laughter. You

46:20

can get all the episodes of Here Comes

46:22

The Guillotine on Global Player right now. Search

46:25

for Global Player on your App

46:28

Store or go to globalplayer.com.