0:00

the breakup allowed the inner wild

0:02

woman to come forth. And the inner wild woman

0:05

who, she doesn't

0:07

give a fuck. And that's what makes her so

0:09

sexy. But the sexy isn't like, it's not

0:11

she's not giving a fuck, so she can be sexy, because then that is giving

0:13

a fuck. You know? And it's like,

0:15

we're like, sometimes that subconscious

0:18

of us is like, let me do the

0:20

glow up so then

0:22

I can find the guy. And it's like,

0:24

the glow up's for you. Bottom line, this is all for

0:26

you. Because the truth be told, most

0:28

people are going to come in out of your life,

0:31

period. Most people are, and it's

0:33

like, you are the only person you're going

0:35

to have for the rest of your life. And it's like,

0:37

how do you want to show up? And who

0:39

do you want to be? And if you were to look back

0:41

on this chapter of your life, like, what do

0:44

you want this chapter to be? And that

0:46

for me was

0:47

so huge of like, right now I have the option,

0:50

you know? It's like, I can make this either my like demise,

0:53

or I can make this my like fucking radical rebirth.

0:56

And I'm going to choose the latter. And I'm going to choose

0:58

to make this like my biggest heart opening

1:00

yet. And you're still going

1:03

to go through the sadness. You're still going to go through

1:05

the grief. But it's like, for me, it's like simultaneously

1:08

be creating the existence

1:10

that you want, rather than like

1:13

waiting for the pain and the grief to stop. Because

1:16

breakups have a lot

1:18

of layers.

1:27

Welcome back to the High

1:29

Self podcast.

1:41

My

1:43

name is Sahara Rose. And on this podcast, I

1:45

love to take spiritual concepts, the

1:48

contemplations that I have been having

1:50

in my everyday life, and bring

1:52

them to you so it can actually serve your

1:54

needs. And for me, heartbreak has

1:57

been my ultimate teacher.

2:00

For those of you who don't know, I got divorced at the

2:02

end of last year and it has been the ultimate

2:05

initiation for me. I've been doing this podcast

2:07

for seven plus years and have been practicing

2:09

yoga for so long, but nothing has taught me the

2:12

lessons and escalated

2:15

my spiritual growth in the way that heartbreak has.

2:18

And it's something about the

2:20

perceived loss

2:21

of love.

2:23

And I want to say perceived of like feeling

2:25

like you're, it's like when you're in love, it's like

2:27

you feel you're at one with totality.

2:30

It's like that feeling of merging of union, of coming

2:33

back to the state of

2:35

wholeness that we long for when we are

2:37

born out of our mother's wombs. And then we're

2:39

like on this planet, we're like, take me back to

2:41

when I was one with my mother, with the cosmos,

2:44

with all. And now I'm like here, I'm separated. And

2:47

we spend the rest of our lives trying to go back.

2:49

And when you love someone, that's

2:51

almost like why you want to merge with them. You want

2:53

to like be in their bodies. It's we

2:55

want to go back to source.

2:58

But then what happens is we so long

3:01

for that experience that we

3:03

projected onto people who

3:05

we think will get us there faster,

3:08

or now, or loving

3:11

them will get me somewhere or do something,

3:14

or this is my idea of who I should. And

3:16

there's just probably more than anything

3:18

distortions around, around love.

3:21

And what I have found in my life,

3:23

and what I have asked for is for the intelligence

3:26

of love to be my teacher, and for

3:28

me to love those

3:30

that have lessons for me to

3:32

share, you know, and I believe that

3:34

oftentimes our first few

3:37

relationships need to be karmic,

3:39

they need to be those relationships that bring

3:42

out the wounds that bring out the

3:44

triggers and the shadows, and oftentimes will

3:46

replay our childhood traumas

3:49

and our attachment styles and the ways that

3:51

we never felt fully seen and enough

3:53

and we need to bring those to the surface because when

3:55

you love someone you so badly want

3:57

it to work that there's no better

3:59

motivating.

3:59

factor than

4:00

like a relationship to

4:03

really look and heal these things.

4:05

But after going through, through those initiations,

4:07

you can actually choose to decide to shift

4:09

into Darmic relationship, which

4:12

is a relationship that is serving the

4:14

highest good of all a relationship

4:16

that is ultimately here to be of service.

4:18

That doesn't mean that there aren't any triggers and

4:20

shadows that show up, but ultimately

4:23

your love heals. And that is

4:25

the path that I am on. And that is what only

4:27

I am calling forward. And

4:29

it has been so fascinating for

4:31

me to watch fellow sisters, queens,

4:34

like spiritual priestesses go through their own

4:36

heartbreak initiations. Like almost every

4:38

spiritual queen that I love and respect has

4:41

gone through a tremendous heartbreak in

4:43

the past few years, especially it's like a

4:46

re-initiation. And

4:48

I remember about this

4:50

time last year, it was September

4:53

of 2022. And I, long

4:56

story short, a friend of mine, Mia Magic, has been

4:58

on this podcast a bunch of like, there's this music

5:01

spirituality medicine festival

5:03

in Greece called Quillibree, and you

5:05

got to come. And I'm like, Greece music

5:09

sounds up my alley. It made no sense,

5:11

but I decided to just go. And

5:13

she's like a friend of mine, Blue, and I

5:15

had met Blue. Her and I had connected like

5:18

when I was 25. And it was like before

5:20

she like went into like the Amazon and like sat with

5:22

medicine for so long, and it was, we were both like little,

5:24

like a spiritual baby then. And

5:27

then we were in this music festival and she

5:29

had just gone through a really tremendous

5:31

breakup in her life and the initiation

5:33

of that. I had not yet gone through my divorce.

5:36

And I remember she was, we were

5:39

in this circle and she was leading this beautiful

5:42

song where, and she'll share more

5:44

about her experience through music and

5:47

her actually, you know, partially

5:49

not having total hearing and her hearing

5:52

partially going deaf, but the musicality

5:54

coming through her. And she sang

5:57

this song called Spirit Lead Me.

6:00

Which is the song that you may have heard.

6:02

It's like actually a church song, which I later learned, but

6:04

she's singing in her own way. And it was like, I'll

6:07

let her sing it. But essentially it was like, Spirit

6:09

lead me more than my feet could ever

6:12

wander. And my faith will be made stronger

6:14

wherever you will call me. Take

6:17

me deeper than my feet will ever wander.

6:20

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence

6:22

of my creator. And the

6:25

way that she's saying that and the beauty of her

6:27

voice while also simultaneously knowing that

6:30

how can someone with such a voice be going deaf?

6:33

Like it's just the juxtaposition of that. It

6:35

was, it was just like this heartbreak

6:37

yet this beauty. And she

6:40

did not know. And I did not know that that

6:42

song became my mantra. And

6:45

when I went through my divorce, which was a

6:47

really traumatic time in my life, I

6:50

would just sit by myself, whether

6:53

I was in front of the ocean or on the mountain or just

6:55

like in my bed and in the darkness, and I would just

6:57

sing this song again and again,

6:59

and it became my mantra that brought me

7:01

through this entire year. And

7:03

I have her to think because

7:06

she put that song into

7:09

my consciousness and the path

7:11

of surrender that this song

7:13

really is of like, we

7:16

don't know. You know, you might think

7:18

you have your life figured out. You might think you're happily married.

7:21

And ultimately you don't know what, what can

7:24

happen at any given moment. But all you can do

7:26

is trust that spirit is leading you more

7:28

than your feet could ever wander

7:31

and your faith will be made stronger.

7:34

So with that, let's welcome Blue

7:37

here on the podcast. I haven't said

7:39

anything yet in the morning. Goodness

7:42

gracious.

7:43

That was beautiful. A little up, by

7:45

the way.

7:45

Every single time I'm somewhere where

7:48

I'm feeling uncertain,

7:50

because this whole year to me has been going into

7:52

my uncertainty of, you know, going

7:54

to different countries and places like by myself.

7:57

And when I have those moments of silence. that

8:00

song just keeps coming to me. So I want to thank

8:03

you for putting it into

8:05

my being. And before we get into that, the path of surrender

8:07

and breakups and all that, I want to ask you what makes you

8:09

your highest self?

8:11

Ooh, what makes me my highest

8:13

self? Ooh, great question. Right

8:15

into the core. So

8:18

the first thing that's coming up for me is

8:20

when I am

8:23

fully unapologetically expressing myself. And that

8:25

can be in many different mediums, way, shapes and forms

8:27

that could be painting your mural and

8:30

just being covered in paint and allowing

8:33

my hand to be the paintbrush. And that there

8:36

is no difference between me and

8:38

divinity in itself, which is moving through my

8:41

body.

8:42

My highest self is when I'm freestyle

8:44

rapping in a circle and

8:46

the beat is just going and you don't even

8:48

know where it's coming from anymore where the words

8:50

are just flowing out your mouth and you're meeting yourself

8:53

over and over and over again in the present

8:55

moment because it's a co-creation with something greater.

8:59

I am merging

9:00

with my highest self when I am standing

9:03

at the foot of a grandmother

9:05

oak tree and having a deep

9:07

dialogue with no words spoken and yet so

9:10

many words spoken and learning the stories

9:12

and the tales of trees and rocks

9:14

and nature that says a message

9:17

if you're so quiet enough to listen to it. And

9:19

I would say that I am my

9:22

highest self when I am standing

9:24

on stage and leading some sort of activation

9:27

where I'm nervous beforehand and I'm like, what am I

9:30

doing? I'm gonna mess up. And the second I

9:32

go into my Dharma, the second I

9:34

am doing what I'm meant to be doing,

9:37

there is no I anymore and

9:39

it completely melts into the we and the whole. And

9:42

I am just sort of living to blow

9:44

my own mind at that point. So I would say that it comes in

9:46

many different forms but it's more so the energetics

9:48

as opposed to actually what it is that I'm doing. And

9:51

it's when I don't know where I end

9:53

and spirit begins.

9:54

So beautifully said and it is

9:57

that element of flow and

9:59

surrender and.

9:59

receiving and being the channel

10:02

and those moments like the freestyle rapping

10:04

is just a perfect and we were both talking we're like, I was

10:06

like, I want to be a rapper. You're like, I want to be a rapper. We're like, we're

10:08

both feeling confident rappers. And it's so true because

10:11

you feel such a state of flow of like, you can't

10:13

know what you're going to say next. You just

10:15

have to be the channel and receiving

10:17

and letting it be melodic and poetic

10:20

and fun and swaggy and all of

10:22

it. So sometimes my subconscious

10:24

comes out though.

10:25

And like, there'll be like someone I walked into

10:27

the space and there's a guy that I have to crush on in the corner of the

10:29

room. And I'm like, all right, say everything but about

10:31

this guy. And then I'm like, yeah. And then this guy

10:33

in the corner and he's well hot. And I'm like,

10:36

what the heck? Why did

10:38

I just say that out loud?

10:39

But sometimes, you know, it's just got to be nice. It's

10:41

in the field. Exactly.

10:43

So I want to talk about breakups

10:45

being, to me, the ultimate

10:48

fertile ground for our

10:50

transformation. So can

10:52

you share with me how breakups

10:54

because you've gone through a number, you know, some

10:57

people listen to Andre's podcast as well. And

10:59

you guys had a relationship and you had a beautiful consciousness

11:01

coupling that you've done podcasts about. So you've had a

11:04

variety of different breakups in different ways.

11:06

How have these been

11:08

fertile grounds to your transformation? Oh,

11:13

breakups. I honestly,

11:15

I would rather break my leg than go

11:17

through heartbreak. Like I'd rather break both my

11:19

legs and go through heartbreak. Not going to happen.

11:22

So it's the deepest pain that I know

11:24

to exist. And also simultaneously,

11:26

it is the deepest oneness

11:30

with spirit, like you said in the introduction, right? So it

11:32

sits on the same spectrum. And for

11:34

me, heartbreak has been the perfect

11:36

place for the alchemical process of

11:39

my greatest challenge, turning also into

11:41

my greatest gift. And

11:44

I am still experiencing reminiscence

11:46

of heartbreak. I still go through

11:48

moments where I dip into deep sadness,

11:50

I am a deep longing. And what

11:54

I've also learned from that is that any

11:57

point or any time where I have looked for

11:59

external as to who I am, what it

12:01

is that I'm doing, am I doing a good job? Oh,

12:03

I'm an attractive person because

12:06

I have X, Y, and Z interested in me, or I'm in

12:08

this relationship. It's in the spaces in

12:10

between where the actual genuine

12:12

empowerment happens, and it's from self-validation.

12:14

And self-validation has only been able to actually

12:17

be fully actualized when I'm

12:19

not in partnership. And it's

12:21

in those moments when I feel

12:24

undesirable or

12:26

I feel like

12:29

what I call my golem phase, which

12:31

is like, how could anybody love me?

12:34

I'm hideous. I must return to my cave

12:36

and never be seen again. It's

12:39

in those micro

12:40

moments when I actually start

12:42

to be

12:42

gentle with myself is

12:45

where

12:45

I believe true power is born. To

12:48

make a symphony, it's actually

12:50

the silence in between the notes, which actually

12:53

create the symphony itself. And

12:56

so I have learned the most

12:57

about myself when I've gone through heartbreak

12:59

and being single. I have learned

13:02

to

13:02

validate, self-soothe, and be the mother and the father

13:04

of my

13:04

own experience when I was outsourcing

13:07

that for my past partnerships. And

13:11

I feel like my genuine

13:13

empathy towards the depth of suffering

13:16

for others that are experiencing

13:18

heartbreak has deepened to a point

13:21

where when somebody else is telling me their own personal experience,

13:23

I feel the emotions that if they are my own, the network

13:25

can relate and just hold space. And

13:27

I think sometimes holding space isn't even needing

13:30

to say anything but just to feel somebody in

13:32

what it is that's present.

13:37

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13:39

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13:41

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13:42

all different. We all need different things in different

13:44

stages of our lives like the diet we're

13:46

eating and even where we live, it really impacts

13:49

us. And a lot of us have hormonal issues,

13:51

digestive issues, things that are going on under

13:53

the surface that if we don't actually get a blood test

13:55

and get to the bottom of it, they're going to persist and even get

13:58

worse. So joy is an incredible thing. company

14:00

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14:02

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14:05

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14:07

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14:12

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14:35

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14:40

It's so universal because I've experienced

14:43

those exact same things.

14:45

Before, when someone would say, oh, I went through a breakup,

14:47

I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. But I never really, I

14:50

didn't approach it the same way as if someone died in

14:53

their family or they were sick. Now I'm like, oh, it

14:55

can be like equally, yeah,

14:57

drastic like that.

14:59

And I'm like, wow, we don't realize

15:02

how painful breakups really

15:04

are, divorces really are. I've experienced a

15:07

lot in my life, there's

15:09

nothing that is the equivalent

15:12

of that because, yeah, it

15:14

really is the loss of this thing that we want

15:16

so badly. And also to choose to

15:18

self-love,

15:20

to choose to honor yourself more

15:22

than

15:25

this perceived idea of

15:27

what love is because we have been so

15:29

conditioned, especially as women, as

15:32

young girls, that love can only exist

15:34

in a relationship. And there's the prince charming, and

15:36

he chooses you, and you live happily ever after. And if not,

15:39

well, then you're fucked. Thanks, Disney. Yeah,

15:41

thanks. So I'm

15:44

curious for you, you

15:46

know, you've had different breakups, like how did

15:48

you know it was time for you to walk away? Like

15:51

what were some of those pings?

15:53

Well, there's two different parts here because I was in

15:55

a relationship with Ando, who I've done the

15:57

podcast with, and we

15:59

publicly talked about. and coupling and rent

16:01

right into the depth of it. So this is a public thing. And then

16:03

I went into a relationship after that. So there's two

16:05

different pieces.

16:06

And with my relationship

16:08

with Andre, I was

16:11

still in my maiden phase.

16:13

And what I mean by maiden is there's three stages

16:16

for women to be able to archetypically

16:20

move through the stages of life.

16:22

There's the maiden, there's the mother, and there's the crone.

16:25

The maiden, from what I understand,

16:28

it always thinks the grass is greener on the other

16:29

side. Loads of energy, super

16:31

attractive, like it has

16:33

a zest for life. Doesn't really nurture

16:36

or nourish the soil beneath their feet but thinks

16:38

because there's always a well-spring of opportunities

16:41

that happiness lies the next best thing or is constantly

16:43

chasing champagne moments, even though there's like a whimsical

16:46

fun experience with

16:48

the maiden.

16:49

And then the mother starts to

16:51

nourish the soil beneath their feet and stops

16:54

thinking the illusion that happiness lies

16:56

outside of the present moment. When I

16:58

get the next relationship, when I get to the next job, when I get the next

17:00

paycheck, when I go on the next travel, when I leave the

17:02

house and go over to this place, that happiness will

17:04

be over there. The illusion starts to diminish

17:07

between the maiden and the mother. And it actually starts

17:09

to say, it's right here, right now through

17:11

my creation of how much I put in is

17:13

what I get out of what's here.

17:15

And then the crone, hey, oh,

17:17

she ain't got nothing to prove. Like she's

17:19

chilling. She doesn't, she's got no people

17:22

pleaser energy. The maiden is all about external

17:24

validation. The crone does not need your validation,

17:27

it does not need to be accepted or welcomed in this space.

17:29

And usually only speaks unless it improves the silence

17:31

from a deep sense of wisdom.

17:33

Now these are the embodied archetypes.

17:36

And so when I can understand the different

17:39

archetypes, I can see where I'm at on the spectrum.

17:41

And of course, being a 32 year old woman, no

17:43

children and currently single, I've

17:46

been predominantly

17:48

in the maiden archetypes. And when I

17:50

was in this relationship, I thought that

17:53

the grass was greener somewhere else. And I wanted, I

17:55

was not at peace with the mundane because

17:58

life was sort of like a champagne pop.

17:59

and moments, I'm starting to experience success,

18:02

I'm starting to experience

18:03

my businesses

18:04

popping up, I'm starting to experience loads of opportunities

18:07

and sparkly moments. And

18:09

so when I would come home and the mundane moments

18:12

were kind of like, boring, I

18:14

was kind of projecting on the relationship and

18:16

thought that happiness is somewhere else. Now, there's many different

18:19

layers to it. And there's multiple

18:21

pieces

18:22

that are not necessary to go into. But in that stage,

18:25

when I walked away, it was because I was kind

18:27

of like, bored, not

18:29

being fully like, forged

18:33

in the fire, and thinking that the

18:35

grass is green and somewhere else. Now,

18:39

looking back on that, it's one of my greatest

18:41

pains to this present moment,

18:43

if I'm being really honest, because I think

18:45

that there was so much beauty

18:48

that I didn't actually really

18:50

fully understand what is the most important thing in relationship.

18:52

And that is to feel safe. And

18:55

that is to be respected. And that is

18:57

to have mutual growth on the table. And

18:59

that is to genuinely, genuinely

19:01

care for what's each other's best interest, and

19:03

to genuinely want to support each other thrive

19:05

and evolve.

19:06

Now, I didn't have that level of awareness,

19:09

I was operating in the maiden archetype, and I

19:11

was not really fully nourishing what was right here.

19:14

And I look back on that now, and I would

19:16

have done things differently. Now,

19:18

I get to live with that choice,

19:21

where now, any part

19:23

of me that says that happiness is somewhere

19:25

else, I check myself because it's been

19:27

one of my greatest pains in my in my adult

19:29

life is this feeling.

19:31

So it continues

19:34

to be medicine for me, it continues

19:37

to nourish me. And what happened is I rolled straight

19:39

into another relationship, which turned

19:41

out to not be a safe place. And to

19:44

not be that I genuinely

19:46

care for your best interest. But it was a sparkly

19:48

experience. And what

19:51

I had to do is learn what's most

19:53

important, because not all the glitters is gold.

19:56

And someone with a good heart that genuinely

19:59

cares is one of the most precious things on the planet.

20:01

And from this point forward, one of the pieces that I'm continuing

20:04

to integrate is that when

20:06

someone genuinely, genuinely cares and

20:08

their heart's in the right place, and they are devoted to

20:11

a path of self growth and self awareness, this

20:13

is a keeper. This is like pure, pure

20:16

goals. And as I continue

20:18

to move forward, I've completely recalibrated and

20:21

renegotiated my relationship with what is important

20:23

in relationships, and what is

20:26

important with the people that are blessed enough to

20:28

have, you know, in the court ride, the seats

20:30

at your immediate table, what I like to call is like

20:32

your core inner drive. What

20:35

is the piece that's on the altar in those relationships?

20:37

And if it's genuine service, genuine

20:40

self growth, genuine respect, transparency,

20:43

clear communication and honoring each other's individual

20:45

freedom and in the sovereignty coming together from a

20:47

choice. Now we're working

20:49

with goals. Very

20:52

few people express that.

20:53

It's so normal to be like, don't

20:56

settle this. You know, there's always

20:58

plenty of fish out there, fish out in the

21:00

sea, and you'll always up level

21:03

and get someone better. And it's like,

21:05

to realize that if you

21:07

have someone that you feel safe with, that's on a

21:09

personal growth journey that respects you, that's

21:13

ultimately what we're all looking for. We think we're looking

21:15

for, oh, he needs to make this much money and

21:17

be this tall. And, you know,

21:19

he looked up to and like

21:21

all of the things that like biology makes

21:23

us also as women crave oftentimes

21:26

of like, oh, like a big successful man means like

21:28

my safety in the tribe. And it's like, ultimately,

21:32

it's like your safety comes from being

21:34

seen, heard and understood, you

21:37

know, and, and I very

21:40

rare,

21:40

like I'm starting to notice now as a single

21:43

lady. Oh, God. And it's

21:46

dry

21:46

out here. Like, we'll

21:48

get into that.

21:52

And there was infinite possibilities.

21:55

And it's like, and there, there is, and

21:57

it's like,

21:59

humans are so sacred that I feel like

22:02

sometimes this dating world makes

22:04

humans feel like, you just find another one.

22:06

And it's like, imagine if someone felt that way about you,

22:10

of like, you know, blue is all

22:12

the things. She was spiritual. She was fun.

22:14

She was this, but like, there's other spiritual fun people

22:17

too. But there's only one blue. And it's like,

22:22

we forget that. We just see

22:24

them as, we see people as commodities so

22:26

much in dating of like, are you going to fulfill this like

22:28

role? And it's like, are you actually looking at the person

22:30

or are you casting them as a role

22:33

in your movie that is not actually really knowing

22:36

them? And I recognize

22:38

that so much of like, we choose these like, actors

22:41

in our lives route. And it's like part of us doesn't even

22:43

want to deeply know them because we just want them to serve

22:45

the role that I see on these dating apps. It's like people

22:47

put in it's like, my needs

22:50

and I want and it's like me, me, me.

22:52

And it's like, are you going to make me feel that

22:55

it's like, we forget it's a human

22:57

and reciprocal. So

23:00

with that, you know, I want to ask

23:03

you now having experienced

23:06

letting go like, does

23:08

part of you want to get back together? Like, what

23:10

does that look like for you? Like, because I think a

23:12

lot of people they're like, did I and not about

23:14

him, but like, if you have any advice for people who are like, did

23:16

I let go of a relationship and I'm going to be

23:19

regretting this? Should I try to get back together with

23:21

an ex? I feel like we look down upon that in our society.

23:23

So

23:24

what is your take on that?

23:26

There's

23:26

a mantra that Reverend Brianna

23:29

Lynn shared with me that has just lived

23:31

in my heart for a very long time. And

23:34

something that I have used as my,

23:36

I really believe it in the core of my being. And

23:39

it's what is meant for me, there's nothing I can do to fuck

23:41

it up. And what is not meant to me, for me, there's

23:43

nothing I can do to make it happen.

23:45

And I think that there's so much power

23:47

in letting go.

23:49

Letting go that I need

23:51

validation or I need to be chosen.

23:53

Letting go that it needs to be a certain

23:55

way. Letting go of my will and

23:58

melt into thy will. And I

24:01

believe that by letting something fully go and letting

24:04

it actually die from what it was.

24:07

And no longer yearning. And I'm not even

24:10

saying like this needs to be an outwardly

24:12

expressed yearning. It's an energetic yearning.

24:15

It's a... Aaaah!

24:17

Aaaah! It's like, it's just... I

24:19

felt it so deeply in the core of my being. It's just

24:22

a holding on. It's a clinging. It's a gripping

24:25

energy. Late at night, it's

24:28

quiet and laying in bed with my fluffy

24:30

pillow. And I'm like,

24:31

aaaah! You know, feeling

24:34

that in the core of my being

24:36

and allowing myself to actually let

24:38

it go.

24:39

This is

24:41

where I return home to myself. And

24:43

in the in-between moments, which... The

24:46

majority of life is made up of the in-between moments.

24:50

It's like 90% of life is actually mundane.

24:54

It's in those in-between moments, can I just not

24:57

abandon and neglect myself?

24:59

That is the biggest piece here. Is

25:02

that if I'm not getting the validation

25:04

from that past experience, or I feel

25:06

like I've messed up, can I forgive

25:08

myself? Like if I had a 12-year-old daughter

25:10

and she ran into the room and she's like, yeah, Mum, I

25:13

hurt myself.

25:13

Or like she did something and she threw something

25:16

on the floor.

25:16

Like I immediately

25:18

would forgive her.

25:20

But am I gifting myself that gift?

25:22

Or am I laying bed at night going, you fucked

25:24

up? How could you have done that? You should have done

25:26

better, shaming myself.

25:28

But what has already passed and recognizing

25:31

that the most sacred thing is what is and what is is

25:33

here I am. So what would it look like to actually

25:35

just choose myself in this moment and not neglect

25:38

myself in this moment and recognize

25:40

I'm not ready for another partnership until I

25:42

genuinely just stop neglecting myself. Otherwise,

25:45

I'm feeding into another codependent pattern

25:48

where I'm externally validated

25:50

by this partnership as just something that can

25:53

only be filled by myself and realizing

25:55

for the past seven years I've been in partnership. So

25:57

I've been in and very loving partnership.

25:59

the last one, very loving, nurturing,

26:02

kind, generous. So I

26:05

didn't have to choose myself because I was just always

26:07

being chosen.

26:08

And here's the thing,

26:10

like,

26:11

from the moment that we are born,

26:14

we know ourselves through the eyes of our mother,

26:17

right? If baby blue picked

26:19

up something

26:20

and mum doesn't like it, no, put

26:22

it down. Instantly, I would associate

26:24

that that's

26:24

not okay for me to pick it up, not because I

26:26

told myself it's not okay, but because somebody else

26:28

told me that it's not okay. So for

26:31

years, I know myself through the eyes of

26:33

my mother. So now when I'm

26:35

no longer in direct relationship with my mother,

26:37

when I leave home, I will

26:39

place that role within somebody

26:41

else. And it tends to be within my romantic partnership.

26:44

So when another goes,

26:46

I did amazing, then

26:48

I can go I did amazing.

26:51

When the other goes, I don't like that and completely

26:54

withdraws the love. Now what's left,

26:56

what would be left is like, you're so

26:58

unlovable, you're so unattractive, you need

27:01

to get your ass in the gym, what are you doing? You need

27:03

to

27:03

eat cleaner. And it's coming from

27:05

a deep sense of unworthiness as

27:08

opposed to coming from in this moment,

27:10

I will not neglect myself.

27:11

And so I've only been able to actually

27:14

create a genuine relationship with myself

27:17

in the moments of heartbreak and being alone.

27:20

And so the value and

27:22

the growth

27:23

and the nutrient

27:24

dense spiritual lessons

27:27

that have been gifted to me during

27:29

this time, as much as I wouldn't ask

27:31

for it, but I definitely needed it.

27:34

Now I feel like

27:35

I'm laying a foundation of a house that's genuinely

27:37

built on rock, not on sand. So if I

27:40

then want to bring children into this life, or

27:42

I want to

27:42

buy a house, or I want to actually

27:44

merge my bank accounts with another, it's

27:47

coming from a deep sense of I will never neglect

27:49

myself. And I will self validate

27:51

so that you can have your own personal experience,

27:53

but I'm not lying identified through your

27:55

expression in the world. This to

27:58

me starts to hum.

27:59

with energetic hygiene

28:02

and a healthy

28:03

foundation for a relationship. But the healthy

28:06

foundation of the relationship starts within myself

28:08

when I'm not in partnership.

28:11

So there's so much gold

28:13

here if I'm curious enough

28:15

to go mining

28:17

while I'm in the moments of

28:19

the in-between sitting in front of my altar

28:22

crying my eyes out.

28:31

I am so

28:33

excited

28:33

to announce that my new song, Trust

28:36

Flow, is now available on Spotify, iTunes,

28:38

Apple, wherever you listen to music. So

28:41

after my divorce last year, I was faced with so

28:43

much uncertainty not knowing where I was going to live, what

28:45

I was going to do. It was like the

28:47

start of a new life. And

28:49

at this time, I kept repeating this affirmation

28:51

to myself. Trust.

28:54

Flow. Surrender. Let

28:56

go. If you know me, you know

28:58

I love Afrobeats music. And this summer,

29:00

I actually

29:01

started to produce music. So all of a sudden,

29:03

I'm channeling drum lines and melodies

29:06

and training chords on the synth. And

29:09

I grew up playing a lot of music, but I thought

29:11

production was something I would do years down the

29:13

line. And Thor said it was time.

29:16

And I created five songs, this

29:18

is the first of which is Dropping called

29:20

Trust Flow. So if you're listening to the vibe, it's

29:22

playing in the background right now. I invite you to check

29:24

it out on Spotify, wherever you listen to music.

29:26

The link is in my show notes. And really,

29:29

my intention here is to create music that you

29:31

feel good about getting stuck in

29:33

your head, that you want to vibe and dance

29:35

to, but it's also

29:36

raising your consciousness. You can stream

29:38

Trust Flow wherever you listen to music. Please

29:40

share with me your reels on Instagram. And I'm so excited

29:43

to trust Flow. Surrender. Let

29:45

go with you.

29:57

Completely resonate with everything that you

29:59

said. And oftentimes when

30:02

you're in a relationship where maybe there's a lot

30:04

of space between you guys, it's

30:07

normal to immediately then want

30:09

to go into another partnership because

30:11

you're like, I was so lonely in my other relationship,

30:14

I want love. And to

30:16

really just pause and not jump

30:19

into another relationship from that place

30:21

of inability to be with yourself and

30:23

to go into the loneliness and like, what are

30:25

you so afraid of? And this

30:27

year for me, I was in partnership most

30:30

of my life and with my ex-husband

30:32

since I was 24 years old. So

30:34

yeah, before I ever like, do you like to be alone?

30:36

I'd be like, yeah, I love to be alone. But it's like, I always knew

30:38

someone was there. There's always someone I could call.

30:41

There's always someone that I was connected with.

30:43

But to be single and on your own.

30:47

Now I live up in the mountains by

30:49

myself. And it's the most confronting

30:51

thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

30:54

And I'm so grateful for it because

30:56

it would have, I would have never healed the

30:58

things that I have healed, looked at the things I would have looked at,

31:01

gone to the depths of my ancestral

31:03

lineage and my pain and suffering

31:06

and like what I really want in life and like all

31:08

of these things that came to surface in

31:10

a way that only solitude and like

31:13

only having yourself can. And

31:16

I feel so many

31:18

of us, we avoid that. So we go into the next

31:20

partnership and then the same patterns continue

31:22

to show up and show up and we

31:24

need periods of just like deep

31:27

inner reflection, celibacy,

31:29

like just going in and it doesn't mean

31:31

it's forever. Like I feel like sometimes

31:33

it doesn't mean the feminine yearning

31:36

is very real. And I don't think the point of it is to

31:38

like shut it off and just like learn to

31:40

be alone perpetually. I do think humans are

31:42

communal and we are meant to be relational and

31:44

it does make sense to want to be in a relationship. But

31:47

it's like we need to learn how to

31:50

walk on our own two feet before, you know,

31:52

wanting to be on someone's piggyback, right?

31:55

And that's what these periods of being single and

31:57

internal really do. So I'm curious.

32:00

for you, what were some of

32:02

your practices to cultivate the

32:04

awareness of patterns that you have been repeating?

32:06

Because I think some of us were like, okay, I'm single,

32:09

but then we distract ourselves. What

32:11

were you actually doing? What were you doing

32:14

at your altar?

32:15

I was reflecting on

32:18

the ways that I showed up from, I

32:20

think, the perspective of you don't really know what you have until

32:23

it's not there. And I started

32:25

asking myself, where is this I

32:34

was sent to boarding school at a very young age, around seven,

32:37

and I

32:38

coined or took on the

32:42

archetype of the lone wolf. And

32:44

I was good at that. I never missed anyone.

32:46

I didn't need people to text me back. I

32:48

have no clinginess in

32:50

relationships or friendships or anything

32:53

like that. It was very much like from

32:56

the age of 17, I was

32:57

traveling around the world on my own

33:00

kind of experience. And so

33:03

what I

33:05

started realizing was because I

33:07

didn't really quote unquote need anybody, I was

33:09

self-sufficient. I had my own job

33:13

as an adult working for myself. So I

33:15

wasn't financially

33:15

dependent on anybody else. And

33:17

what happened is I started

33:19

receiving incredible opportunities, like the

33:22

opportunities presenting themselves left, right and center.

33:25

And because I didn't need anyone,

33:27

and I was in this lone wolf kind of mindset,

33:29

it was very much like, well,

33:32

what do I want?

33:34

And I think that there's a shadow

33:36

side in the spiritual community where

33:38

it's all about me, me, me and

33:40

my truth and my desires and my

33:43

wants. And I think that there's a

33:45

disconnect

33:46

for also I'm responsible, not just for my intentions,

33:48

but my impact. And

33:50

I think that in that time of my life, I

33:52

was not really thinking

33:55

about my impact, but more so just my

33:57

intentions. And so

33:59

So, I would say that there was an emotional

34:02

maturity that wanted to happen. But

34:04

when I started to notice the pattern,

34:06

not any shame or blame, this is my upbringing.

34:09

This is how I've been trained to take

34:11

care of myself, figure out what I need

34:13

to figure out. Like, go and

34:16

do these locations around the world alone and make

34:18

sure that I'm good. And so

34:20

there's no fault. There's no blame. There's

34:23

no shame. But it's also a pattern that's no longer serving. It's

34:25

served then.

34:26

But it's outdated. It's lost its sell by date.

34:29

The contract has come to completion because it's no

34:31

longer creating mutual benefit. It's not creating

34:33

a win-win-win situation. So

34:35

what I'm doing, and I've got four

34:37

planets in Scorpio, I love going

34:39

to the depths. I want to get to the core. I want to get

34:41

to the root. I don't want to put a bomb over the

34:43

top of it because I don't want to live with myself

34:46

in that version of myself creating more issues

34:48

and then blaming. The second

34:50

I blame anyone outside

34:51

of myself as to why things are the way that they

34:53

are, is the second I lose my power to do anything

34:56

about it. And I believe that those that genuinely

34:58

grow very fast or evolve in

35:01

a deep sense of self-awareness are those that

35:03

are willing to call themselves out on their own bullshit

35:06

and to no longer shame

35:07

themselves for it, but to just

35:09

recognize

35:09

this isn't a part of my character

35:11

trait that I wish to continue.

35:14

And so

35:15

with a deep self-reflection, I also have

35:18

immediate humans that deeply respect their

35:20

perception on life and the way that they choose to

35:22

weave

35:22

in the world. And I call on them for counsel.

35:25

I open up the space of this is a specific

35:28

ceremony where you give me genuine

35:30

feedback of what it is that you see of

35:32

certain patterns that I maybe am

35:34

not being fully embodied through my message, through

35:36

my actions, and

35:39

in a loving way, receiving

35:41

feedback. And

35:43

making the

35:44

shift between when

35:46

I receive feedback that actually resonates,

35:49

it's not that I'm a bad person.

35:51

So allowing that to be disconnected and

35:53

saying these are character traits I have learned, but

35:56

it's not actually that I'm a bad

35:58

person with bad intentions.

35:59

or a bad heart. So if I can

36:02

separate the feedback from the personal

36:04

who I am in this world and allow

36:06

it to be a character that is refined so

36:09

that I can actually be who I'm here to be

36:11

in this world, what it does is it allows the

36:13

process to be way more streamlined because

36:16

I'm no longer having to

36:18

go through this entire process

36:20

of self-sabotage, self-loathing,

36:23

unworthiness, and

36:26

shaming myself into evolving,

36:29

but actually knowing at the core

36:31

of my being that I am deeply inherently

36:34

worthy and I've got a good

36:36

heart and pure intention and I'm

36:39

always in the journey of refining my character traits

36:41

that I've learned over time so that I can genuinely

36:43

weave in the world not only what's best for me,

36:46

but what is also in win-win

36:48

for others so that my actions have

36:50

already been thought through of how they may implement

36:52

my or affect my loved ones, my family,

36:55

my beloved,

36:57

future children, but this

37:00

is the most important piece here

37:02

is that while going in the shadow

37:04

work and calling

37:06

myself forward in these unconscious patterns

37:09

is to hold myself with the utmost compassion

37:12

while Persephone pulls me into the underworld.

37:15

That's been the greatest ally throughout this

37:17

process so it's a lot of self-reflection like you

37:19

said the word distractions like,

37:21

it's so easy for me to scroll on the Instagram

37:23

and just forget about my worries like the other

37:25

day I was crying and I was like grab my phone and I

37:27

went it was like an unconscious thing and I just went

37:29

to scroll on Instagram and immediately

37:32

it literally is like Instagram it's like

37:34

Instagram it's like it's

37:36

like I just got a moment I just got this hit

37:39

and I

37:39

was like okay numbed

37:41

out and I just said while I scrolled I felt

37:44

the emotion get numb

37:46

now energy is not created nor destroyed it only changes

37:48

form so if I'm not addressing

37:50

that emotion in the moment I'm using

37:53

Instagram to numb myself out it has

37:55

to go and sit on the body

37:57

so it has to sit in a somatic place

37:59

because it energy is not destroyed, it can't

38:01

be destroyed. So it has to just change in

38:03

form. And if it's not emotionally processed

38:06

through many different ways, breath, sound, movement, touch,

38:08

shaking, dancing, crying, purging,

38:11

many different ways of feeling the emotion, it's just got to

38:13

go somewhere, it's got to sit on my body. And then I'm wondering

38:15

a week later when my spine is hurting. So

38:18

once I understand the connection, then

38:20

I've become so self-aware

38:23

that even when I'm numbing myself out, I know what

38:25

it is that I'm doing,

38:26

it's about calling myself

38:27

forward in those moments, putting it aside and actually

38:30

sitting with the story that I've placed over what

38:32

it is that I'm feeling, because everything's a story.

38:34

Everything is a story that I place on what is, but

38:37

what is is sacred. If it's grief, if

38:39

it's rage, if it's shame, if it's guilt, it's

38:41

got a sacred purpose. And if I

38:43

can soften deeper into what is, then I can

38:45

start to illuminate the gift within it. And

38:47

Richard read one of my mentors, he talked about how

38:50

awareness or

38:52

awakening or enlightenment is just a series

38:54

of sufferings. So when

38:56

we wanna get tight or numb out

38:59

or distract from what the sacred

39:01

thing that's presenting itself, it's actually softening

39:03

deeper into it. I'm

39:06

like, okay, hello emotion, hello jealousy,

39:08

hello fear, hello rage, hello sadness,

39:10

hello grief, whatever emotion it is,

39:13

welcoming it, giving it a seat at

39:15

the table and softening the body into

39:17

it and being curious to be

39:20

a student of it without identifying with

39:22

the emotion because identifying with it sticks.

39:24

It's like, I am angry, well sticky, but I am experiencing

39:27

anger while it passes through as quickly as it came.

39:30

So when I detach the identification

39:32

with the emotion and become curious enough to soften

39:35

into it,

39:36

then all that's left is gold

39:39

because our greatest challenge is also our greatest gift

39:41

in this life, but most are not curious enough

39:43

to find it.

39:44

So when you feel that, you know,

39:47

anger at yourself or whatever it looks like, you

39:49

wanna go on Instagram, what do you

39:51

do, like if you don't have time to do like full like

39:54

embodiment practice, like how do you in

39:56

that moment soften into the experience?

39:58

Two different.

39:59

ways. Sometimes I like to just

40:02

voice note it

40:04

in the heat of emotion. Love voice sounding.

40:06

And it's like, I

40:08

can go, like, I don't have to be

40:11

spiritual, have to write language

40:13

or not bring

40:14

somebody else into it or speak badly about someone

40:16

behind that back. Like I can go on

40:18

the voice note and just like let whatever

40:21

it is rip out of my

40:23

mouth. So it has a place of an outlet.

40:26

Then once the heat of the moment has

40:28

passed or whatever emotion is that's presenting

40:30

itself, I will circle back onto the voice

40:32

note and listen

40:35

from if I was holding space for another

40:37

to start to dissect

40:40

what is the root of the angle or

40:42

the charge or the trigger

40:44

towards that person, place, situation, or thing

40:46

that is

40:47

creating that within me. And

40:49

then I'll trace back to like, when

40:52

is it the last time I can remember

40:53

feeling that emotion and was that

40:55

where it started? And so there's

40:57

just a deep inquiry of

40:59

like, yeah, know thyself. It's like, it's just

41:00

a journey of understanding stuff. So in the moment,

41:03

just the outlet, sometimes it's

41:05

in the shower. Like if I'm like feeling

41:07

some kind of way,

41:09

I'll just like,

41:11

I

41:13

look crazy. I'm okay with that. Like,

41:15

I just, and then all of a sudden it's like the pressure

41:17

goes and this

41:19

has an outlet. Sometimes when I'm

41:22

feeling lonely and I'm laying in bed, it's

41:23

like

41:25

giving myself a really

41:28

big hug and then reflecting on some of the

41:30

stuff that I've had to be moved through to get to this point

41:32

and just giving myself that little self reassurance.

41:36

There are many different little tools and tricks

41:38

in the bag. And in the past I've been called

41:40

a witch, which I don't actually resonate with that archetype,

41:42

nothing against it, but it's just not fully

41:45

my archetype, but I do resonate with that which

41:47

is needed. So

41:50

depending on the emotion, we never step in

41:52

the same river twice, meaning that no

41:56

two moments are the exact same. So whatever

41:58

it is, it's presenting itself as a very unique.

41:59

the moment and

42:00

it requires a deep level of listening beyond the ears

42:03

to that which is needed. And

42:05

sometimes that which is needed is could look

42:08

absolutely nuts. Like literally just sounding like,

42:11

ah, feel better? Okay,

42:13

good. That was that which was needed.

42:15

And that's why like, we are so lacking,

42:18

like so many of us live in apartments that we can't be fully

42:20

loud. That I realized

42:22

myself of how much I was suffocating myself

42:25

because with breakups, there comes many

42:28

layers of different emotions, you know,

42:30

the anger and its waves is the

42:33

anger, the disgust, the loneliness,

42:35

the sadness, the grief, the longing.

42:38

And, you know, when you lean

42:40

into it and sound it out, like I would find myself

42:43

just like this like rage for me,

42:45

the car is the perfect place because I can be

42:47

so loud. They're not like, there's a part of me

42:49

that's like my inner like people pleaser that's like, I don't

42:51

want to be loud and like scare anyone, you

42:54

know, even though like, I don't

42:56

know, it's just weird in our society, you hear someone yelling, like,

42:59

I think because my dad was angry, that

43:01

I would never even when I was in my medicine ceremony,

43:03

I was like, well, I don't want to scare the other

43:05

girls. So let me not sound

43:08

out my anger that was inside of me,

43:10

because I was way more concerned of how it might

43:12

impact them because of how it impacted me. So

43:15

I find my car is like a really good place where I don't

43:17

have to worry about it that I can just go like full call

43:19

you mom, like, I don't like go

43:21

for it and rage and letting

43:23

it come out. Dancing is huge for

43:25

me of just literally like expressing it

43:27

through my being and different dance forms

43:30

evoke different emotions. Like a

43:32

big part of earlier this year was like,

43:34

I'm gonna climb that frickin pole

43:37

and show it was boss. It was like the strength.

43:39

You shake that

43:40

lower lumbar. I've

43:42

never seen anybody yo. It

43:45

was like,

43:46

turning pain into beauty. That's

43:49

what pole dancing was. Poll dancing fucking

43:51

hurts. It's like you're climbing this like, metal

43:54

pole that's like scraping your inner thighs

43:56

and like cutting your feet and you're turning into

43:58

something like graceful and artistic. and like sensual

44:01

and I'm like, so like that became my practice. And

44:03

then I was sharing with you that I've been like singing

44:05

a lot and like activating my voice and making music

44:08

and it's like different layers call for

44:10

different initiations and you must listen, you

44:13

know, and give it that space. Otherwise it gets

44:15

locked and then you get trapped there. And then I feel

44:17

like you get trapped in that level of consciousness

44:19

and then the relationship will have to repeat from

44:22

that level of consciousness rather than it's like

44:24

we do all the up leveling and growing in

44:26

between the relationships. And yes, there's different

44:28

lessons that we learned only through partnership, but

44:31

if we can like go through all of these layers

44:33

of anger, grief, shame, jealousy, on our

44:35

own, it's like then we don't have to deal with that in the

44:37

partnership. You can like have more of the love

44:40

and the bliss and the communion, which is like what we ultimately

44:42

want partnership for. So it's like

44:45

to be able to lean into that and see breakups

44:48

as this like space that I can

44:50

feel all the feelings. And for me too, it

44:52

brought up all of this healing work that actually

44:55

had nothing to do with the breakup, but was underneath

44:57

the surface of why I was

44:59

even in that relationship, you know, childhood healing,

45:01

ancestral healing, all of the karmic

45:04

plays that repeat cycle by cycle that if it

45:06

wasn't for the breakup, I just wouldn't have looked at. I

45:08

would have maybe spent years later

45:11

looking at that. It's like, I feel

45:13

because we want to look at

45:15

what went wrong, we end up looking at all

45:18

of these things that maybe again, you

45:20

don't need to look at unless it becomes

45:22

this pressing problem in your life that it took me very

45:24

deep into my ancestral lineage. And I learned

45:27

that like my grandma had a divorce

45:29

that I never knew about. And just like all

45:31

of the layers of how that impacted my

45:34

dad and like how it impacted my childhood

45:36

and him understanding me. And it's like all

45:38

of these family things that

45:41

I would have just never looked at. So I'm curious

45:43

for you, like these breakups, how

45:45

have they shifted you in your sense of gnosis

45:48

of understanding yourself? I

45:51

feel like a huge ally and tool

45:53

for me

45:53

and what you mentioned is the alchemical

45:56

process of turning it into turning

45:58

the chaos into beauty. My life's work in

46:00

the jinkies double is beauty and I loved

46:03

it through the gift of freshness to bring beauty

46:05

and freshness into different areas of

46:07

my life and something that

46:09

has deeply inspired me around your

46:11

journey and being able to witness it from

46:13

close and afar of

46:16

yes, all of the emotions that

46:19

I don't even have like a fraction

46:21

of fully understanding of the spectrum of what it is that

46:23

you navigate during this like crazy

46:26

initiation and simultaneously what

46:28

I have witnessed is you

46:31

up on the pole building that strength and

46:33

that muscle feeling strong and sexy

46:35

for you in yourself in your

46:37

body to to trying

46:40

different dance classes and sharing

46:43

a message that is hitting an even deeper

46:45

note of transparency

46:48

and vulnerability through your podcast and through

46:50

your platform to the way that you're leaning

46:52

into your sisters and the way that you're listening in

46:54

conversation. There is so

46:56

much beauty that has has

46:59

emerged from the cracks of devastation

47:02

and it's been deeply inspiring and something that

47:04

I relate to in my own unique way.

47:07

It's when I see a blank wall I see

47:10

pure potential when I get in my overalls

47:13

and I have my hair tied up with a paintbrush

47:15

and I get all these

47:17

paints out and I set the space and

47:20

I light some say do a light incense

47:22

and I put some music on and I

47:25

merge with this wall and after

47:27

five hours out comes a

47:30

massive lion that is reflecting

47:32

back to me the power that lies within

47:34

me through this creative process that

47:37

didn't exist five hours ago and is

47:39

now staring at me reminding me of

47:42

my courage and my strength and

47:44

my power

47:44

and

47:46

those of the moments that I live

47:48

for it's the art of

47:51

creation and

47:53

also something else

47:55

that has really forged from this experience

47:58

is like In

48:03

the places that I'm afraid that if

48:05

I fully express my full truth,

48:08

in the presence of a partner, a

48:10

romantic partner, that I'm afraid that they

48:12

will leave if they fully

48:14

experience my rage or if they fully experience

48:17

my trigger, if they fully experience my grief,

48:20

Sisterhood has proven

48:22

time and time again when in the right

48:24

context and setting that I can go

48:26

through my purge and be loved to

48:28

the core for it. It

48:31

is renegotiating and retraining

48:33

my relationship with my own process

48:35

that it is actually lovable.

48:38

And so

48:40

in the space in between, the

48:43

way that the Sisterhood has shown up for me and the

48:45

way that, you know, Reggie,

48:48

for example, one of my closest sisters, I remember

48:51

when I was really in it and I thought,

48:54

I was like, when is

48:56

the end of this sadness?

48:57

Like I lost my joy, I lost my play,

48:59

I lost my excitement, I lost my juju

49:02

for life or for creating at all. And

49:05

she came and sat with me and I remember she sat

49:07

behind me while I was weeping and she held

49:09

me and she just whispered in my ear,

49:11

I'll be here for as long as it takes.

49:15

I'm not rushing your process, your process isn't

49:17

making me uncomfortable. As

49:19

long as you need to cry, if it's three

49:22

days, three months, three years, 30 years,

49:25

I will be here

49:27

with you.

49:28

And in that moment, she planted

49:30

a seed in my psyche that my grief

49:32

was sacred

49:33

and that it needed

49:35

to breathe.

49:37

And I've only

49:39

really been able to receive that from Sisterhood.

49:42

I've received unconditional loving and relationship

49:44

for sure, I've been very blessed in that sense. And

49:48

there's a texture and a permission

49:50

slip and a fragrance and a

49:53

warmth and a softness that Sisterhood

49:55

provides in the moments of despair

49:58

that have taught me to love myself. deeper

50:00

than I ever have before. So there's

50:03

creation, there's music, there's singing, there's

50:05

dancing, there's turning what once was nothing into

50:07

something beautiful, not for the goal,

50:09

but for the process itself. And then in

50:12

the same breath, there's sisterhood that

50:14

is just, is a lifeline that

50:16

I'll carry with me forever.

50:21

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Do

50:23

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to betterhelp.com slash Sahara.

51:15

That's betterhelp.com H

51:17

E L P.com slash

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Sahara. And you can find that link in the show notes.

51:26

Sisterhood is so beautiful. And yes, sisterhood

51:28

is to me such a foundation

51:31

of why we are here. It's the codes that

51:33

we share and to have it be dharmic, to

51:36

create something that's larger than the two of you, whether

51:38

it's an art project or a song or a business

51:40

or whatever else. So

51:43

segueing from moving from sad bitch to bad

51:46

bitch, this bad bitch energy

51:48

that you're stepping into of wanting

51:50

to freestyle rap and you're creating

51:52

your art and you're speaking on stages,

51:55

what advice do you have for someone who's like, okay, I'm

51:57

done with

51:58

the grieving and the processing?

51:59

know there's more to come, but I'm ready to make

52:02

this my transformation

52:04

moment. What advice do you have for

52:06

them? I have

52:07

a friend who's, her name's

52:09

Queen Herbie and she's

52:11

epic. You love her. She's dope

52:14

rapper and she's got some lyrics

52:16

in a song called Thank Goddess. And it's

52:17

like, thank goddess I'm a

52:19

bad bitch, spent a thousand life times being

52:21

a sad bitch, now you triggered by my highness,

52:24

cause I speak another language. And

52:26

that's the thing, please, I go really

52:28

hard on that part. Um, because

52:30

I can relate to spending a thousand

52:32

life times being a sad bitch. Um,

52:35

sadness is my go-to. I don't usually feel

52:37

anger. I don't usually like,

52:39

it's a safer emotion for the feminine

52:41

to feel just sad. I've literally

52:43

collapsed. And, um,

52:45

and now it's got

52:46

to the point where if

52:48

I'm dancing, I,

52:49

before I start dancing, I take

52:51

a breath and I check in with why,

52:54

why am I dancing? Am I dancing because everyone else is

52:56

dancing? Am I dancing because there's a hot guy

52:58

in the costume and I'm dancing?

53:01

Um, or am I dancing because it feels so

53:03

amazing? And that's

53:05

what

53:05

I'm focusing on right now. Maybe there is a hot guy

53:07

crossing. Maybe

53:08

he likes my dancing, but it's not my why. My

53:10

why is that

53:12

I'm dancing because the music is moving me

53:14

and it's allowing every single part of my

53:17

body to start to hum with life force

53:19

energy. It feels so

53:20

good to stretch and move my hips

53:22

that it's emanating this feeling out

53:24

of me that is creating this irresistible

53:25

feeling of being me in this

53:28

moment. And so I applied

53:30

that same energy towards anything

53:33

that I'm doing, whether I'm doing the dishes, but

53:35

I'm playing the BG stain alive and I'm like blasting

53:38

it through the speaker and I'm having a really good time.

53:41

It's happiness for no reason.

53:43

It's happiness because I'm self

53:45

sourcing my own joy in

53:47

the mundane moments. And that can

53:50

bridge from painting a mural

53:52

to dancing, to jumping

53:54

on a pole, to doing the dishes,

53:57

but for me, that's what it means to genuinely

53:59

a bad. it be a bad bitch is, is

54:02

this unapologetic, this is

54:04

who I am, take it or

54:06

leave it. I don't need your validation.

54:08

I'm just being embodied because it feels

54:10

good and I'm following the feeling.

54:13

And, and this is bad bitch

54:15

because the sad bitch is crushed

54:18

by the world, by the world's perceptions, by

54:20

the projections, by the shame, by the

54:22

guilt, by the story that is weighing

54:25

one down and not allowing myself to see

54:27

the beauty that's right in front of me. It's like I need

54:29

to clean the lenses off for me to be able to actually

54:31

perceive the reality where a bad

54:33

bitch is that my reality is born

54:35

from the inside out, even when I'm scrubbing

54:38

off yesterday's grimy avocado off

54:40

this plate. But

54:42

I, who I'm

54:43

being while I'm doing it is a bad bitch.

54:46

And so what I love at the moment

54:48

is I live in Topanga and I live in a house of bad

54:51

bitches, like

54:52

they're epic in their own right. And

54:54

they've got their own thing going on. But we

54:57

have come together and cheer

54:59

each other on and celebrate each other.

55:01

We're in the kitchen, like, damn, God, you look

55:03

good today. Like, thanks, mama. Let's

55:05

go. You know, we're like making our matcha

55:07

in the morning and it's like, it's this like

55:10

general permission slip

55:12

that is breathed from the inside out

55:15

that is affirmed by the right environment

55:17

that incubate this to become

55:19

the default as who we are so that

55:22

even when I'm out in the world and it's not a safe

55:24

place and people be judging and people are like,

55:26

what is this bitch going on about or whatever, who

55:29

I am is so deeply anchored

55:31

and locked into the core of my being that no

55:33

longer is the projection swaying me into

55:35

an inauthentic version of myself

55:38

because magnetism is born

55:40

from authenticity.

55:41

And so we actually don't need

55:44

to do as much

55:45

when we give ourselves permission to fully be

55:48

in the vibrational essence of who we believe we

55:50

are in the present moment, then actually

55:53

opportunities present themselves. This is the feminine principle

55:56

of magnetism.

55:57

So the bad bitch.

55:59

is a very highly authentic

56:02

magnetic

56:02

being that has got nothing to

56:04

prove and everything to be in every given

56:07

moment, whether it's grief or it's pure joy. And

56:10

I'm subscribed

56:12

to that vision of myself.

56:15

I love this reclamation

56:17

of even what bad bitch means, right?

56:20

Because like growing up like bitch was

56:22

like this like derogatory term and like I

56:24

get that perspective, but it's like to

56:27

reclaim that of just like, you know,

56:29

I love the acronym of like bitches babe in total

56:31

control of herself. And it's like, you

56:33

know, to be your full expression and to be

56:35

the inner spice girl that you're here to be. And

56:38

it's like when you lose

56:40

that sense of like, I need to be this

56:42

thing for this man to

56:45

choose me when you drop that you're like, what

56:47

flavor do I fucking want to be? Like what

56:49

it what would make me be my dream

56:51

girl? What would make me fall in love with me?

56:54

And you start becoming that it's like you just don't even

56:56

you're not even yearning really for the relationship

56:58

with the things anymore. Because you're so fucking

57:00

full of yourself. And

57:03

for me, I remember, you know, I was in Bali

57:05

and I was like deeply grieving

57:07

and healing. And then I like met someone

57:09

who had a stage at Envision Festival,

57:11

then she's like, do you want to come DJ? And like all of a sudden, I'm like DJ

57:14

at Envision Festival, like, like thousands

57:16

of people. And that

57:18

made me fall so in love

57:20

with myself of like,

57:23

Oh, I don't need to date a DJ, bitch.

57:25

I am the DJ. I'm the fucking headline DJ

57:27

is like, you know, and just to be

57:29

my full like wild, shuck

57:31

the expression. And I wrote this poem

57:34

on the way there. And it was like way before the Barbie

57:36

movie, I was even aware of it. But it

57:38

was like inside of me, there's a wild

57:40

woman that tore apart the Barbie box

57:43

that life put her in. And

57:45

she howls at the moon, and she believes with the earth,

57:47

and she believes in death and rebirth. There was this whole transmission

57:50

that came through me. And it was like, the

57:52

breakup allowed the inner wild woman

57:55

to come forth and the inner wild one who

57:58

she doesn't give a fuck

57:59

And that's what makes her so sexy. But the

58:02

sexy isn't like, it's

58:03

actually not giving a fuck so she can be sick because then that

58:05

is giving a fuck, you know? And it's like, we're

58:07

like, sometimes that subconscious

58:09

of us is like, let me let me do

58:13

the glow up so that I can find

58:15

the guy. And it's like, the gloves for you. Bottom

58:17

line, this is all for you because the truth

58:20

be told, most people are going to come in and out of your life.

58:23

Period.

58:23

Most people are and it's like, you are the

58:26

only person you're going to have for the rest of your life.

58:29

And it's like, how do you want to show up and who

58:31

do you want to be? And if you were to look back

58:33

on this chapter of your life, like, what do

58:35

you want this chapter to be? And that

58:38

for me was so huge

58:40

of like, right now I have the option, you know? It's

58:42

like, I can make this either my like demise or

58:45

I can make this my life fucking a radical rebirth.

58:48

And I'm going to choose the latter and I'm going to choose to

58:50

make this like my biggest heart opening

58:52

yet. And you're still going

58:54

to go through the sadness. I'm not sure that it goes through

58:57

the grief, but it's like, for me, it's like simultaneously

59:00

be creating the existence

59:02

that you want rather than like

59:04

waiting for the pain and the grief to stop because

59:07

breakups have a lot

59:09

of layers that honestly, for

59:12

years you will be excavating.

59:14

You will be learning deeper and deeper lessons

59:16

that only certain levels of space

59:19

between what happened provide the safety

59:22

for you to actually receive them. And it's like,

59:25

even like right after after my divorce,

59:27

I was like, okay, three months later, I

59:29

was like, okay, I've made it to the three month portal.

59:32

Like I'm good, like I've

59:34

made it. And then it would be like, oh, wow,

59:37

the sixth one portal. Oh, wow, the wedding anniversary. Like all of

59:39

these things were deeper initiations and like, you

59:41

know, it

59:42

becomes less. It's like eventually the tears

59:44

do stop. But

59:47

to stop waiting for time to pass,

59:49

I think that was a huge lesson I needed, especially when the things

59:51

are really fresh. I remember the first month

59:54

I was like, I was just waiting for the hours to

59:56

go by to get me out of this pain

59:59

of like, I can't wait. wait until I can say

1:00:01

it's been one month. And it's like

1:00:03

that first, I find that first month is

1:00:05

the hardest in any kind of breakup because

1:00:07

it's like that, holy shit, the

1:00:09

shock, the everything. But it's like,

1:00:12

do you want to live your life waiting

1:00:14

for time to pass or do you want to choose

1:00:16

to right now take this energy?

1:00:18

Like all of the energy, it's like breakups, you're,

1:00:21

you're electric with energy and

1:00:24

it's like, where do you want to direct and focus

1:00:26

it? And it's so easy

1:00:28

for us to like take that

1:00:31

energy and feel like it's too much and like spiral

1:00:33

downwards and spend the energy on overthinking

1:00:35

and over analyzing and this and like a huge realization

1:00:37

I actually had after my medicine ceremony was like,

1:00:40

you also just trying to keep processing

1:00:42

it is you not letting go. And

1:00:45

it's like you trying to be like, okay, let me piece

1:00:47

together my chin or child with his inner child

1:00:49

and this and like how this and like that's still holding

1:00:52

on, you know, it's like, eventually you just

1:00:55

have to accept. Look

1:00:57

at Isaiah Isaiah, you know, it happened.

1:01:00

And on one level and

1:01:02

dimension, you'll be mourning something for the rest of your life. And

1:01:05

on another level and dimension, you're not even going

1:01:07

to remember this. So it's like both

1:01:09

are simultaneously existing. And

1:01:13

life is happening right now, you know,

1:01:15

and I remember like the first breakup I went through

1:01:17

my college boyfriend was kind of for four years, it took

1:01:19

me so long to overcome that because I didn't understand

1:01:22

healing and understand grief. So it

1:01:24

took me I was like, held on to this anger for so

1:01:26

long. And for this because I had the

1:01:28

tools that I had, I was like, Oh, wow,

1:01:31

like, God is giving me a chance to put

1:01:33

all my tools into practice right now. Like let's go

1:01:35

in, let me feel the feels, let me mourn,

1:01:38

cry, dance, scream, travel,

1:01:40

play, create this, that, be alone,

1:01:43

be in nothing, like, like all and nothing

1:01:45

at once. And I feel

1:01:47

like that's how I am transmitted

1:01:49

into my most inner bad bitch self. And

1:01:52

you know, even you came in, you're like, I love how you have this

1:01:55

mermaid hair and these new tattoos. And

1:01:57

I'm like, continually asking myself,

1:01:59

it's like, what What is my dream girl? Like what

1:02:01

does my crush on myself want me to do right

1:02:03

now? And I'm so

1:02:05

grateful for the experience because

1:02:08

I love myself more than I ever have

1:02:10

before. And that is

1:02:12

priceless.

1:02:15

Another, I mean, I would say

1:02:17

that I would go

1:02:18

through it again to receive the gift of self-harm.

1:02:20

100%, 100 times.

1:02:23

But you know, it's not easy,

1:02:26

it's brutal. And if there's anybody listening to

1:02:28

this podcast, we're going through heartbreak.

1:02:31

Time does heal

1:02:33

it and this too will pass. And

1:02:35

also this

1:02:38

is such a potent time

1:02:40

for a deeper level of self-awareness to

1:02:43

drop in

1:02:43

that we can actually start to access

1:02:46

that version of ourselves that we know we came

1:02:48

here to be and we can start forging it in the fire

1:02:51

and allow that fire to burn off all

1:02:53

that we had picked up from society,

1:02:56

from lovers, from parents, from schooling,

1:02:59

from media around who it is that we

1:03:01

are to start forging who it is that we are

1:03:03

from the inside out based off of the deep

1:03:05

sense of feeling. And now this is

1:03:08

a human that turns head without

1:03:10

saying a word when they enter into the room

1:03:12

because you can

1:03:13

feel it when someone has

1:03:15

been brought to their knees and

1:03:17

they know how to be in a place of joy

1:03:20

and everything in between. And they allow

1:03:23

all of the sacredness of life to move through

1:03:25

them so they can remember the wholeness

1:03:28

that is available within our own thoughts

1:03:30

of when we accept the most sacred thing is what

1:03:33

is and transcend the binary experience

1:03:35

that there's a right and a wrong emotion. But

1:03:38

it just is showing up because it's here to teach

1:03:40

us something and to go through a heartbreak isn't

1:03:42

wrong, it's something bad, not

1:03:44

that you did anything that was bad. It's

1:03:48

more so, it's here, it's

1:03:50

now. There is death, purification,

1:03:52

rebirth, integration, the cyclic nature of the

1:03:54

shamanic cycle, the cyclic nature of being

1:03:57

human. And now I'm in a death, but

1:03:59

I can't. cannot have summer without the winter and

1:04:02

so when the winter presents itself, when the shadow

1:04:04

presents itself, can I respect it as much as

1:04:06

I respect the positive emotions

1:04:09

and when I give the shadow my respect,

1:04:11

the gifts that are available on the other

1:04:14

side of it will last with us a

1:04:16

lifetime because the clothes on our back,

1:04:18

the money in our bank account, the homes that we live in, the

1:04:20

partnerships are in, our friendships are all subject

1:04:22

to change, they will change. But the

1:04:24

awareness that you gift yourself, the

1:04:27

things that you learn, the deep study, the

1:04:29

introspection that stays with

1:04:31

you for the rest of your life and it becomes an asset to

1:04:33

every single place that you enter into. It's

1:04:36

the greatest investment we could ever make and heartbreak

1:04:39

is the place, right, as Rumi said,

1:04:41

the cracks is right where the light enters

1:04:44

and this is something that stays with us forever

1:04:46

and so it's not about if, it's

1:04:48

when and when it shows up, what

1:04:50

we do with it can forge and determine who

1:04:52

we've become for the rest of our life.

1:04:55

It's like me to church, I

1:04:57

worship and the night, so good.

1:04:59

So and it's as you were saying

1:05:01

that it actually took me to this vision

1:05:04

of myself that I was like on

1:05:06

my knees looking in the mirror just crying

1:05:09

like just

1:05:10

so broken, so sad

1:05:13

and

1:05:14

it was like it just reminded me

1:05:16

of like the beauty you're experiencing right

1:05:18

now is because you are willing

1:05:21

to face like the core levels of

1:05:23

like ugliness that is

1:05:25

possible and that's the beauty

1:05:27

of the breakup of like you

1:05:29

reach this range that

1:05:32

you would have never accessed on your

1:05:34

own. This range of

1:05:37

anger, of grief, of sadness, of aloneness,

1:05:39

you touch these places that

1:05:41

you didn't even know existed. It's like deeper

1:05:44

layers of the ocean and sometimes it's so deep

1:05:46

that you're like holy fuck like will

1:05:49

I ever get out of this? Like I remember

1:05:51

telling my friend I'm like I don't

1:05:53

think I'm ever gonna like to dance anymore. I

1:05:55

don't think I'm ever gonna wear

1:05:58

bright colors again. That

1:06:00

old version of me is dead. People probably

1:06:02

aren't going to really be interested in my social media. It's not going to

1:06:04

be the same anymore. But I'm willing to be

1:06:07

here in this death as long as it takes. If this is just who

1:06:09

I am for the rest of my life, then this is just what it is. And

1:06:13

I didn't know. I

1:06:16

honestly did not know. I even told my

1:06:18

social manager, I'm like, these are her new colors. And

1:06:20

it was like brown and dark

1:06:22

maroon. This

1:06:25

is it moving forward. And I was just writing jazz

1:06:27

poems constantly. They're

1:06:29

like, I've got another death poem. But

1:06:33

I needed to be honest with like, this is where

1:06:35

I am. And I will be here as long as it takes. And

1:06:38

I eat. It was almost like I had

1:06:40

to even I couldn't eat food. You

1:06:43

know, my body was in such a state of shock. I couldn't eat.

1:06:45

I couldn't even drink coffee, you know, but

1:06:47

I needed to purify. I needed

1:06:50

to kill all former identities

1:06:52

of me, all former roles that I played, all

1:06:54

these former belief systems that

1:06:56

I had of who I was,

1:06:58

what a wife was, what marriage was.

1:07:01

And these were all ideas

1:07:03

that were given to me but did not come from me.

1:07:05

Like I was just I just inserted myself into

1:07:07

role, put the white dress on and like, here

1:07:09

you are now you are wife and like, this is husband

1:07:11

and this is what husband and wife do. And you play it out

1:07:14

until death do you part, you

1:07:16

know, and it's like, God, I believe gave me a

1:07:18

second lease on life that

1:07:21

I would have never taken myself. But I needed

1:07:23

to go through what I went through for me

1:07:26

to have a life that I didn't even believe I

1:07:28

was like, worthy or capable of having

1:07:31

in this lifetime. You know, I just I'm someone

1:07:33

who's like a loyalist. I'm like, I will hold on

1:07:35

forever. I will make things work like it's maybe

1:07:37

my eight plans and Capricorn. Eight

1:07:40

planets and Capricorn baby. I'm

1:07:45

like, yeah, like, whatever. I'll make anything

1:07:47

work. Like, it's all good that

1:07:49

life was just like,

1:07:51

want more for yourself. Want

1:07:52

more. And I would

1:07:55

say I'm still in my spring.

1:07:57

I wouldn't say I'm in my full summer yet. still

1:08:00

in this like, I'm like just

1:08:02

starting to walk with these new feet of like, Who

1:08:04

am I in this new world and this new reality?

1:08:07

Like, what do I want? Where do I want to live? Like, who

1:08:09

am I then I was telling you I started producing music

1:08:11

and, you know, these new things I'm like, I can I

1:08:14

can do that I can do this. And, you

1:08:16

know, so it's like, being

1:08:18

patient with yourself, because it is a process

1:08:21

and different initiations

1:08:23

will come at different time periods.

1:08:26

But be in the one that you're in now, like you're,

1:08:28

for me, it's like the things I'm interested in shift

1:08:31

music, I'm listening to shift, like, even

1:08:33

like the Instagram accounts, like I went through this like, kazomba

1:08:36

dancing phase, I was like, I love kazomba

1:08:38

dancing, which is like Portuguese

1:08:40

partner style of dancing, I was like, pulling all these

1:08:42

kazomba things. And I like, lived that reality

1:08:44

in Portugal and got the codes I needed from that.

1:08:46

I was just like, okay, I know. And like, now we're

1:08:49

moving on. And it's like healing my Persian

1:08:51

lineage. And it's like,

1:08:53

every person, every

1:08:55

chapter of your life has codes,

1:08:58

has lessons, has medicine for you. And then sometimes

1:09:00

these show up as lovers, you know, they

1:09:03

show up in people lessons.

1:09:06

But what I've learned, it's like the love story

1:09:08

is really you with you. Yeah.

1:09:09

And

1:09:11

when we can drop that like, well,

1:09:14

and then I'll find the one, you know, there

1:09:16

is no one. Yeah, I can't subscribe

1:09:19

to that. There is no one. I

1:09:21

love the I love, you know, like a good

1:09:24

fantasy novel, whatever. Love

1:09:26

a good fairy fuck. So

1:09:31

much pressure. The

1:09:33

war.

1:09:35

This is the one. Oh, maybe there's a one.

1:09:37

I like, it's like,

1:09:39

it's like there's so much pressure. That person

1:09:41

must be everything that we're not

1:09:43

for ourselves. And recognizing

1:09:45

that we go through many different iterations of ourselves

1:09:48

in this life. We were born every seven

1:09:50

years, like on a on a biological

1:09:53

level, every 75 trillion cells will

1:09:56

completely regenerate into a new cell.

1:09:59

So

1:10:00

We are not in the same physical body

1:10:02

we were seven years ago so we're

1:10:05

going to go through seasons and cycles

1:10:07

of this

1:10:07

different experience but to place

1:10:09

on one person that they are the one.

1:10:12

Is a lot of pressure now i'm not saying that it's not possible

1:10:14

to find your partner like my grandparent

1:10:16

did and ride out right into the last

1:10:18

draft and then they're choosing the one

1:10:21

but it doesn't mean it's like. Your

1:10:23

soul assigned to only be with one it's what

1:10:25

i'm realizing relationship is not about.

1:10:29

We are the most similar interest to

1:10:31

or even a vision of your life

1:10:33

but it's like who's willing to put in the work to

1:10:35

be with you because every relationship inevitably.

1:10:39

Those initial sparks will fade and

1:10:41

it's like who's willing to continue to show

1:10:44

up and lean in and have the hard conversations

1:10:46

and do the hard things and. That's

1:10:49

the relationship will that will become the one you

1:10:51

know and it's just like with friendship to

1:10:54

it's like even friendships you have to water

1:10:56

them and there's there's maintenance and there's vulnerability

1:10:58

and there's death and rebirth cycles and to

1:11:01

continue to choose each other and I would say.

1:11:04

The challenge about and even that i've experienced

1:11:06

is like we're waiting for someone to like save us

1:11:09

and like take us out of the misery of being on

1:11:11

our own. You know and it's like it's

1:11:13

almost like sometimes i catch myself in

1:11:15

this like living my life

1:11:18

imagining how i will tell my future partner.

1:11:21

I like seeing my life through their

1:11:23

eyes and i'm like and so when you said that about how

1:11:25

we see ourselves through a parent's eyes i'm like that's

1:11:28

that piece of it of like. Girl

1:11:31

you don't need to live through your life now think

1:11:33

about how you're it's like sure you can have that thought

1:11:35

sometimes but like especially at the beginning it

1:11:37

was almost like. I can't wait to tell him about

1:11:39

this and that and it's like no it's for you

1:11:42

it's for you it's not like being

1:11:44

single is this thing that you have to get over with and then

1:11:46

you'll be in a partnership again and you'll be saved

1:11:48

it's like.

1:11:50

Realistically in our lives we will have

1:11:52

multiple periods of being single realistically

1:11:55

in a woman's life she'll have a huge percentage

1:11:57

of her life being single simply for the fact

1:11:59

that we. outlive men, you

1:12:01

know? So we have to be

1:12:03

okay with that, you know? And we

1:12:06

can't see this as this like void that

1:12:08

I'm in right, like I remember people telling me they're

1:12:10

like, you know, you're only going to be single probably for like

1:12:12

a year. So like make the most of it right now while

1:12:15

you can. But then when I take that on,

1:12:17

it feels like this thing that I'm just, first

1:12:19

of all, who knows if it's for a year? Truthfully,

1:12:22

maybe it is for the rest of my life, I have to also be okay

1:12:24

with that reality, you know? And then

1:12:27

it's like, if I can

1:12:29

live my life now that I'm single, but once again,

1:12:31

the partnership, it's going to be like me abandoning myself

1:12:34

again, like I'm not going to take that on. It's

1:12:36

like it can only get better and it can only get truer.

1:12:38

And I'm not going to go back into the same cage

1:12:41

that I put myself in for love, because that's

1:12:43

not what love is. Like anything that makes

1:12:45

you compromise your liberation is not

1:12:48

love, it's suffocation in love's

1:12:51

name.

1:12:53

Yeah, love dies in

1:12:55

constriction and grows in freedom.

1:12:57

And

1:12:59

what would it look like to find a love where

1:13:01

you're both free and in the freedom you

1:13:03

choose each other? And I think

1:13:06

that that is where true

1:13:08

growth lies. And I do,

1:13:11

I've experienced it. So I know that it's real,

1:13:14

I know that it exists. And also what it's

1:13:16

done is it set a very high standard for myself.

1:13:19

And for anybody I choose to dance with, because

1:13:23

something that I've incorporated, I don't know where I

1:13:25

heard it, I don't, it was a while ago. And

1:13:27

it's something that has just continued to live true for

1:13:29

me is that I will not share

1:13:31

sexual energy with anyone I wouldn't wish to be.

1:13:34

Yes. I

1:13:35

have been on a celibacy journey, because

1:13:38

I'm like, whoever you have sex with, you are merging in and

1:13:40

you are taking on that like, and

1:13:42

for me, I believe that

1:13:44

when you have sex with someone, especially as a woman, you do get attached.

1:13:47

So it's like, do I want to be attached to this person?

1:13:49

And again, I believe do whatever you want.

1:13:51

But I think so many of us we think bouncing back

1:13:54

is like, be sexually liberated

1:13:56

and have sex with a bunch of different people. And maybe that's true

1:13:58

for some people. But for me, it's been like cultivating

1:14:01

my own sovereignty of knowing

1:14:04

myself sexually without anyone

1:14:06

else.

1:14:07

And sometimes also I find that

1:14:09

for me personally, not

1:14:11

saying that there's a right and wrong way of doing it, but I

1:14:13

think the space between is the

1:14:16

actual like sexiest felt is

1:14:18

like the moments of actually falling

1:14:21

in love with somebody's soul. And then from

1:14:23

that place allowing this to base in between to

1:14:25

create this charge and this build

1:14:27

and this sexual tension and this like, this

1:14:30

the genuine deep rapture

1:14:33

of somebody's essence and instead

1:14:35

of trying to fill a void. That

1:14:38

is like so rich and

1:14:40

so intoxicating that

1:14:43

if it's not that, then I love

1:14:45

being alone to the point where I'm not trying

1:14:48

to create anything that is not

1:14:51

nourishing me the way that my solitude now nourishes

1:14:54

me. I love being alone. I

1:14:57

could stay in my room for

1:14:59

months. I just have to bring my friends over very

1:15:01

big. All right, bring some air one guinea.

1:15:03

I don't have to leave my room. So it's

1:15:06

interesting because I also set up a new boundary

1:15:08

on social media where you can't DM me anymore. So

1:15:11

no one's sliding into my DMs. I

1:15:13

don't leave my house very often. Raya

1:15:17

still works at me. You came over

1:15:19

and told me about Raya. I tried to sign up.

1:15:21

I'm months out. It's

1:15:23

a better, better not. I'll

1:15:28

try my thing. I

1:15:31

didn't even get into Raya. So it's

1:15:33

like, and within

1:15:36

all of this, I'm not really setting myself up for a win when

1:15:38

it comes to meeting somebody else. But

1:15:40

what I am actually setting myself up for a win

1:15:42

when it comes to meeting somebody else is that my solitude

1:15:45

has become

1:15:45

so rich and so

1:15:48

delicious. And so I crave

1:15:50

it after four hours of being out of the house. I'm like,

1:15:52

can't wait to get home. Can't wait to be alone. Can't

1:15:55

wait to run a bar. Can't wait to listen to my music. I

1:15:57

can't wait to do whatever it is that I want to do

1:15:59

in my little case. But

1:16:01

when it gets to that point where I don't

1:16:03

need anything outside of me, realizing

1:16:06

the universe doesn't give me what I want, the universe gives

1:16:08

me who I am.

1:16:10

And who I am is being intoxicated

1:16:12

by my own presence. Now this

1:16:15

is actually way more effective than

1:16:17

hanging out in the bar down the road and

1:16:19

just waiting for the one to

1:16:22

be prevented by life.

1:16:25

I'm here, the one. Would you like

1:16:27

a shot? Yeah.

1:16:29

You're like, I don't even drink, but sure.

1:16:32

Apparently I meet people. Exactly.

1:16:34

Well, this is so hard for me. It's like, that's why I can't

1:16:36

date because I'm like, I have such depth in my

1:16:38

friendships and the people in my life that I'm like,

1:16:41

I can't small talk with a stranger. Like, so how

1:16:43

many siblings do you have? I'm like, I

1:16:45

don't get, I went on one date with someone from Raya.

1:16:47

This is my one that I actually went on

1:16:49

one date with someone on Raya and it

1:16:51

was a fucking interrogation. They're

1:16:54

like, from him or him? From him, no.

1:16:56

He's like,

1:16:58

where'd you grow up?

1:16:59

What did you major in? What time do you sleep?

1:17:01

What time do you wake up? Do you take substance? No,

1:17:04

it's like, no, it's

1:17:06

like he has a list of what he's looking

1:17:08

for and what the red flags are that like, instead

1:17:10

of actually getting to know the person in front of him,

1:17:13

it's like, are you going to fit into

1:17:15

my role of what I'm looking for for wife?

1:17:18

And it was just like, so I'm like, answer all these questions to someone

1:17:20

I don't even fucking know. You know,

1:17:22

it's like, it's like I'm applying for a job. I don't even know

1:17:24

if I want the job yet. But I'm like, um,

1:17:26

I wake up at kind of early sometimes.

1:17:28

It's like,

1:17:30

why did

1:17:30

I do that? But

1:17:33

it's like, I don't get how people,

1:17:35

they just excuse themselves and leave after 15 minutes.

1:17:39

I just could never do that to someone. Like

1:17:40

there was one other day I went on a while. This was

1:17:42

like

1:17:43

eight months ago or something. And

1:17:45

I just ended up coaching him the whole time.

1:17:47

I think

1:17:50

I like gave him like a few like references

1:17:52

of books and stuff to read. And I'm just like, I don't

1:17:54

know how to have small

1:17:55

talk. It's like, we're going into the depths of

1:17:57

your soul or I don't know how to do this.

1:17:59

There will be an ideal question for somebody

1:18:02

to ask you. I feel like an ideal.

1:18:04

So I've learned a lot that as

1:18:06

humans, when we are faced front

1:18:08

to front to someone, it can trigger

1:18:11

this like, we're either going to fight or

1:18:13

we're going to like fuck, you know? Whereas

1:18:16

the way that we have actually gained attraction

1:18:18

to people over time is by being side by side. So

1:18:21

it's like noticing the person like working next to

1:18:23

you and like, Oh, I like the way that he does

1:18:25

this or I noticed him looking at

1:18:27

me and like the attraction is building and building over time.

1:18:30

And then you have like an office crush and like that anticipation

1:18:32

builds and then you can't stand a date. And it's like, you're

1:18:34

already so bought in an attraction

1:18:37

and the attraction is there. Whereas we don't do that

1:18:39

now. It's like, Hey, you

1:18:41

think I'm hot? I think you're hot. And

1:18:43

now we're face by face with zero context of

1:18:45

each other. And we're trying to find

1:18:47

some mutual ground. And then since like, you're

1:18:49

like trying to make this like connection work,

1:18:52

whereas like in your life, you may

1:18:54

not have ever met, you may have never

1:18:56

been in the same places that it's like, I mean, I

1:18:58

met my ex husband on, on Bumble and

1:19:01

I used to say, Oh, like I would have never met him

1:19:03

in my normal life. Like how amazing

1:19:05

cause of this app. And now I'm like, yeah,

1:19:07

I would have never met him in my normal life because

1:19:09

we don't have the same friends. We don't have

1:19:12

the same interests. It was like, we're in different worlds. And that ended up being

1:19:14

a huge part of why the relationship did not work.

1:19:16

You know? So it's like, I, I think

1:19:19

the apps can work just because we spend

1:19:21

a lot of time at home and it's like harder to meet

1:19:23

people. And I think it puts

1:19:25

us in this really unnatural position.

1:19:28

Like even flirting with someone that you haven't

1:19:31

met yet, it's like you're expected to flirt,

1:19:33

but you don't even know if you like them. Then it's like, I can't

1:19:35

flirt with someone's name

1:19:37

on a picture. I don't even know if you look like your pictures,

1:19:40

you know? I don't even know how to flirt. Like,

1:19:43

there was like, someone

1:19:45

was like, um, like me

1:19:47

flirting and it was like, two people say nature. I

1:19:50

was like, so do you like raccoons? I

1:19:52

was like, oh my God, it feels so seen. I genuinely

1:19:55

don't even know how to flirt. I think my flirt is,

1:19:57

is, uh, it's just genuinely being

1:19:59

inter...

1:19:59

And that, that, that flirt

1:20:02

just goes across the board. It's just like enamored

1:20:04

by somebody's behavior that I, or

1:20:06

like way of being that I just want

1:20:09

to sit next to and want

1:20:11

to learn more about. And this is a natural gravitational

1:20:13

pull that

1:20:14

there's not even flirting

1:20:15

doesn't even come from the mind anymore, but it's more

1:20:17

so just a genuine synergy.

1:20:20

And you can either create chemistry or

1:20:22

like, sorry, chemistry is either there or it's

1:20:24

not, but you can't create it, right? Like

1:20:26

the riot thing. You just sit there and be like, so

1:20:30

where's the golden thread that connects us in any

1:20:32

kind of relatability? Well, that's, yeah, we kind of,

1:20:34

we both like the ocean. So there was that

1:20:37

there was the ocean.

1:20:37

We talked about fish

1:20:40

for

1:20:40

a very long time. We're like, what do

1:20:42

you think about dolphins? Sea turtles?

1:20:44

That was literally our cover. What about

1:20:46

fish? Fish that's in groups. So you're

1:20:49

like, your thoughts on jellyfish, yay or nay?

1:20:53

But he was like, that's the, that's

1:20:54

in, and it's, I get it. Like

1:20:58

we, it's hard to just go out

1:21:00

to the bar and hope you're going to meet someone. I

1:21:02

remember being in college and like putting on your

1:21:04

makeup and your outfit, like hoping tonight you would

1:21:06

meet the guy and like being so disappointed when

1:21:09

you didn't. So it's like these dating apps maybe

1:21:11

allow you to like buy back your time that you don't have to do

1:21:13

that. But then again, it's like,

1:21:15

I find that most people on apps don't actually even, first

1:21:18

of all, you don't even

1:21:19

talk. Most

1:21:21

people on a riot match and never speak

1:21:23

just so you know, there's not a lot of conversation.

1:21:26

Cool. So you've already been rejected before.

1:21:28

Well, it's because

1:21:29

it's like, I mean, this is a whole other podcast.

1:21:31

So it's like, as a woman, it's like, I, I

1:21:33

desire a man to be in pursuit.

1:21:36

So I'm not going to message you first. So if you're not messaging

1:21:38

me, I'm not going to message you. So then you're just going

1:21:40

to, after 10 days, they unmatch you.

1:21:43

So that happens a lot that you just never talk.

1:21:47

And then oftentimes

1:21:48

they message you, but then you take a second look at their

1:21:50

pictures and then you're like, remember

1:21:53

I showed you some of those? You came over to my

1:21:55

house. Oh, we went in for a minute. You were

1:21:57

like, babe, if you saw this guy.

1:21:59

I'm like, you're right.

1:22:02

I would have never, but it was like your standards

1:22:04

get so low because you're

1:22:06

trying to like be open-minded. So

1:22:11

then it's like for the most part they message you and then

1:22:13

you just don't respond. So it's like

1:22:15

for it to get to a point to have a conversation

1:22:17

that you like the conversation enough to

1:22:19

get enough FaceTime that you like the FaceTime

1:22:21

enough to me in person is a fucking miracle.

1:22:24

Bless you. You got enough dates to get married. Hallelujah.

1:22:27

I don't know how people do it.

1:22:28

I didn't once. I don't know how

1:22:30

that would happen. I can't think of anything

1:22:32

worse to be stuck on a date with someone that

1:22:34

I'm like, I'm like no compatibility

1:22:37

with. Like I would be like, where's the injection

1:22:40

button? Like, how do I press it right now? I'd

1:22:42

rather not

1:22:42

even venture to do it than just sit in

1:22:44

that situation. And then they're like, you

1:22:47

have to kiss a million frogs. Like I can't. I'm just going

1:22:49

to stay at home and order air one. Yeah,

1:22:51

I'm ordering air one. There was a funny meme

1:22:54

I thought. It was like one of the Kardashians like all

1:22:56

glammed up in bed. It was like me staying in bed

1:22:58

all day waiting for someone to fall in love with me. Relatable.

1:23:00

Yeah, totally. It's very real. Like

1:23:03

we

1:23:06

have to just have trust. We

1:23:08

have to have trust that you will

1:23:10

meet the right person in the right time. And ideally,

1:23:13

I believe have some mutual friends and

1:23:15

some mutual context. I

1:23:17

made it. I really reflected the other day and I

1:23:19

said if I was to never meet anybody

1:23:22

and I wasn't to have kids,

1:23:23

one of my

1:23:27

absolute joys of life would be to

1:23:29

be a mother. And if I was

1:23:31

to never meet somebody and never have children,

1:23:34

would I be okay? And I reflected on

1:23:37

my life as it is. And I was like,

1:23:39

I'd be more than okay.

1:23:41

I would have

1:23:43

such a great time. I would

1:23:45

have creative babies instead of

1:23:47

human babies.

1:23:48

And I'm surrounded by beautiful

1:23:50

humans and I love what I do. This has

1:23:54

not been something that has been

1:23:55

given to me. This has been worked for

1:23:58

for many years.

1:24:00

If I was to make peace with everything as

1:24:03

it is right now, then I think

1:24:05

that that's where the softening is born. And

1:24:09

recognizing being single and going into public spaces.

1:24:11

And then there's the additional layer as well, of course, which

1:24:13

is I'm hard of hearing in both my ears.

1:24:16

So I usually wear hearing aids, but I

1:24:18

get pretty high level social anxiety specifically

1:24:22

in any group of

1:24:24

public space.

1:24:27

And then going in the extra level

1:24:29

is like dating someone, you know, and

1:24:31

then like the little sweet whispers or the

1:24:33

moments of conversation not being able to hear. So there's

1:24:36

additional layers to my

1:24:38

fear of like even interacting with somebody

1:24:40

in general. And then like, even

1:24:43

if I do find attraction with somebody in

1:24:44

a public space, and

1:24:46

I want to connect with them, but

1:24:49

then all of a sudden I have this wall of fear that I'm not going to be

1:24:51

able to hear them. So I don't spark the

1:24:52

conversation. So there's many different layers to

1:24:55

it. And in the same breath, I've

1:24:57

always found that my, that the partners

1:24:59

that have been long lasting, deeply nourishing

1:25:02

relationships where I've

1:25:03

been blessed enough to have two of them had

1:25:06

found me

1:25:07

when I have been rocking my shit for

1:25:09

me. When I, the first one was when I was

1:25:11

doing an art show and I was surrounded by my

1:25:14

friends and I had my artwork all over the walls and he walked

1:25:16

in as a friend's guest and I met him

1:25:19

and that sparked the entire relationship with

1:25:21

a myth and travel markers. And then

1:25:24

with Andre, I

1:25:27

was rocking the Mother Tree, which is a community

1:25:29

space and I was rocking it with my sisters

1:25:31

and hosting gatherings. I was so

1:25:33

in my flow and that was when we

1:25:35

met. And the further

1:25:37

relationship was when I was like really rocking

1:25:40

it in the podcast world and I was stepping

1:25:42

in on stages and I was like really bringing

1:25:44

myself to the world of communicating

1:25:46

and sharing my gifts through that way. So the

1:25:48

three different things was art,

1:25:51

community and

1:25:54

public speaking.

1:25:57

Three of my dharmas.

1:25:59

how these people came into my life.

1:26:01

So

1:26:03

the indication at 303

1:26:05

is telling me, stay in my lane.

1:26:08

Stay in my drama. Because

1:26:10

then you're shining your light and you are that lighthouse

1:26:13

that what is meant for you will be magnetized towards

1:26:15

you and you're not searching and scrolling. It's like something about

1:26:18

even just the energy of being on these apps that there's

1:26:20

an energy of lack that is like a collective

1:26:22

of everyone just like fear scrolling of

1:26:25

like, really find the will I find the will? It's like that's not

1:26:28

the energy that you even want to enter

1:26:30

into a relationship. And it's like through you and it's

1:26:32

like, I believe that that's how God designed us.

1:26:34

It's like, you're you living your Dharma, shining

1:26:37

your light, being in your full expression, you

1:26:39

will have everything that you desire, including

1:26:41

the love and having the patience

1:26:44

and trusting that the amount of space you have in

1:26:46

between relationships is the exact amount

1:26:48

that you need to get

1:26:50

the initiations that only single

1:26:53

them can give you.

1:26:54

And when we place that trust, it's the

1:26:56

same of what I was saying before, like, the universe

1:26:59

doesn't give you what you want, the universe gives you who you are.

1:27:02

And if you trust, and if you

1:27:04

genuinely suffer, then the universe can only

1:27:06

give you that that you trusted into.

1:27:09

So it's weaving that

1:27:11

of what you're emanating like a radio tower of every

1:27:13

single 60,000 thoughts, we think, on

1:27:15

average day that they're humming

1:27:18

at the frequency of a certain fine tuning

1:27:20

of peace or trust, trust

1:27:23

in that everything is exactly as it

1:27:25

should be. Otherwise, it would be different. That

1:27:28

trust will then be met. And

1:27:30

so it's easy to trust when you

1:27:32

got the thing. But what would it look like to trust

1:27:35

when you don't have a thing and you self source

1:27:37

it for yourself, and then see what comes

1:27:39

out from it. So ultimately, we're not coming because

1:27:42

our story haven't ended yet, right? Like we're still

1:27:44

in the middle of our story. So we're sharing from the

1:27:46

weavings of the things that we've learned

1:27:48

throughout heartbreak and falling in love and when

1:27:50

did it show up and how did it how did it come up for us.

1:27:52

And this is our own personal experiences. This is not the

1:27:54

truth of the capital T. This is close to our

1:27:56

own individual truth, individual truth that we can get

1:27:59

to.

1:27:59

And in the same breath, we're here to

1:28:02

be as equals with

1:28:03

others that are on this journey of finding

1:28:05

their beloved or finding the beloved within themselves

1:28:07

and their relationship with trust. And if anything

1:28:10

that can be extracted from this podcast is

1:28:12

a deeper sense of empowerment for your

1:28:15

own unique path and recognize it's not about

1:28:17

the external stimulus, it's about the ceiling

1:28:19

that the world responds to. And so what would it look like

1:28:21

to find that self-sourced sense of love for

1:28:24

yourself and be in the inquiry of where it's

1:28:26

absent

1:28:28

to start to be able to self-source it and recognize

1:28:30

that's the foundation of what true love

1:28:32

is founded on. And so it seems

1:28:34

simple and yet not very easy at all when

1:28:37

it goes to being human on planet earth and

1:28:39

yet may this podcast and any other

1:28:41

times where we share about this topic be

1:28:44

mainly a deeper level of inspiration

1:28:46

to find our own true north for ourselves and

1:28:48

that the world responds to that.

1:28:51

The mantra that I was continually telling

1:28:53

myself and as you were saying it was like exactly

1:28:55

that it's trust flow surrender let

1:28:57

go. So the song that I made is

1:29:00

called trust flow surrender let go and I would just

1:29:02

keep telling myself you know because

1:29:04

it's easy to trust when you know and it's

1:29:06

like you can't you just have to trust that

1:29:08

it will happen in divine timing be in your

1:29:10

flow living your dharma surrender to

1:29:12

the fact that we ultimately don't know and

1:29:16

let go and be in the void

1:29:18

and be in the in between which like you said is the

1:29:20

majority of life you know. So

1:29:22

we're tuning into the same

1:29:25

frequency I'm excited next time you're on the podcast

1:29:28

we'll be like we're either rappers or in sacred union

1:29:30

or maybe both or maybe neither we'll see trust

1:29:33

flow surrender let go. So with that where

1:29:35

can people connect with you listen to your podcast and

1:29:37

learn more from you.

1:29:38

So my podcast is the day job blue podcast

1:29:41

it is on all podcasting platforms

1:29:43

it's also on youtube we have video for it. We're

1:29:46

season three right now on

1:29:48

racking it's been such a beautiful journey

1:29:51

and also on instagram blue of

1:29:53

earth blu of earth also blue of earth

1:29:55

website which is coming soon we're rebranding it

1:29:57

and

1:29:59

the main places that that

1:30:02

i mean to be found the podcast

1:30:04

is is wherever one hundred episodes

1:30:06

entered is a lot of content that and

1:30:08

thus my whole entire journey while simultaneously

1:30:11

interviewed people that have their spots m

1:30:13

inspiration a my

1:30:13

own personal life and then there's the

1:30:16

sources just ahead

1:30:16

which is for women to at like what we sort

1:30:18

about one of the main pillars of support while

1:30:20

we're going through the what the fuck moments his sister

1:30:22

head and so myself and regimen

1:30:24

of and users the cofounder of license

1:30:27

his mother mr super for women we have

1:30:29

to accept me com line programs where we learn all about

1:30:32

a gene keys in astrology and breaking

1:30:34

down our money trauma to working with the

1:30:36

elements of how to build your and also like bit

1:30:38

like a whole degree of different topics

1:30:41

and will have impressive retreats that or

1:30:43

said on the platform and we also have a social media

1:30:45

for women's we have about five hundred

1:30:47

members right now of women from all over the world where

1:30:49

we have meet ups and marketplaces

1:30:52

why women sas opportunities

1:30:54

to sinus a place where you going to be celebrated

1:30:56

for

1:30:56

your song of for your expression of for your spoken

1:30:58

word whatever it is that you wish to sas uncensored

1:31:02

as an opportunity to bridge the gap between women

1:31:04

that may not have access to sister is one of

1:31:06

and one of the biggest license for me and my

1:31:08

life and my growth for my development and my a

1:31:10

winner says that i'm up to

1:31:13

oh thank you so much for sharing today you

1:31:15

are really such an inspiration and you

1:31:17

have like you're a true modern day

1:31:19

medicine women and like everytime i hear it a

1:31:21

memorial day lose lose all right so

1:31:23

i'm so grateful that years here in the

1:31:25

keys i so much for listening to share this episode

1:31:28

so many of us are are in

1:31:30

the heartbreak portal letter it's fresher that was years

1:31:32

ago it's it's there's layers

1:31:34

to it so please share the episode nephew loves it please

1:31:36

review for it in the ancient stores as

1:31:39

a free guess i will send you my womb at met it

1:31:41

he said citizen meditations he connects your divine

1:31:43

of feminine important with in to like

1:31:45

i do is leave or if you for the podcasts let

1:31:47

me know what other kinda topics he would love

1:31:50

to the screenshot and send it over to me at

1:31:52

sahara at i am

1:31:54

sahar rose dot com you could find

1:31:56

that email and all the links mentioned today

1:31:58

in the show notes Thank you so much for

1:32:00

tuning in and I'll see you in the next

1:32:02

one.