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1:13

Hi. I'm Holly Randall, and

1:15

welcome to my podcast Holly Randall

1:17

Unfiltered. This is the show

1:20

about sex, the adult industry,

1:22

and the people in it. I'm a

1:24

twenty one year veteran of this fascinating little

1:27

industry. And as the eldest child

1:29

of the trailblazing erotic photographer,

1:31

Susan Randall, You could say I

1:33

grew up in it. So forget

1:35

everything you think you know about porn

1:38

because this show is going to change

1:40

your mind. My guests are some of

1:42

the biggest names in industry and we

1:44

unabashedly reveal the real

1:46

behind the scenes stories. the

1:48

funny, the inspiring, the tragic,

1:51

and the bizarre. Everyone

1:53

has an opinion about sex work, but Phoebe

1:55

will actually listen to these sex workers.

1:58

So sit back and

1:59

prepare yourself for a podcast, which

2:02

is honest, raw, and

2:04

unfiltered.

2:17

Hello,

2:17

everybody. Welcome back to Holly

2:19

Randall

2:19

Unfiltered. Before I introduce my guests,

2:21

I just wanna remind you guys about my Patreon

2:25

If you go and join patreon dot

2:27

com slash holly randal unfiltered, not

2:29

only will you be able to watch interviews

2:31

such as this one live streamed,

2:34

You will also be able to submit questions

2:36

for my guests, get access to my fine

2:38

art photography, and video, and so

2:40

much more So go to patreon

2:42

dot com slash holy randal and filtered,

2:45

and I promise you will not regret it. There's

2:47

so much content that I put up there on a weekly

2:49

basis. Okay. So

2:52

let's introduce our guest.

2:54

She's one of the most popular porn stars

2:56

of the last decade. She's somebody

2:59

that I've been trying to get on the show for

3:01

a while, so I'm super thrilled to

3:03

have her here. We have some amazing

3:05

questions to go through. She's

3:08

been through quite an emotional journey to

3:10

get to where she is today, and so

3:12

I'm so excited to bring you the one

3:14

and only Kimi Granger.

3:16

Hi. Hi. So happy to

3:18

be here. Thank you for finally having me.

3:20

Oh my god. finally have thank you for being

3:22

so patient. Well, I mean, I to

3:24

be fair, I dropped the ball for like -- Yeah. --

3:26

almost a year. I was like, hey, you wanna come on the

3:28

show? You're like, sure. Great. And then I, like,

3:30

vanished over a year. So I'm very sorry

3:32

about that. But here

3:34

we are today. It is. I'm also

3:37

super excited because you said this is your first podcast.

3:39

It is. I'm a little, like, you know,

3:41

I'm, like, excited, I'm nervous. I'm gonna

3:43

pop your podcast cherry. You are gonna pop

3:46

my podcast cherry. It's one of the last cherries

3:48

that I actually have to my body.

3:52

So what why have you never done a

3:54

podcast before? Have you been asked to do it and you turned

3:56

it down? Or You know, I have

3:58

been asked to do podcast.

3:59

It's just I think it's

4:02

just divine timing every time the

4:04

it's when

4:05

it's my time to go do

4:07

the podcast, I something comes up

4:09

or -- Mhmm. -- I can't make it or

4:11

whatever.

4:11

So maybe this is just Okay.

4:14

Yeah. I I was hoping that you were gonna

4:16

say, well, you didn't wanna do any of these

4:18

other podcasts. Because yours is the best. Yeah.

4:20

They weren't up to your level and you were,

4:22

like, if I can't do holy randal and filtered,

4:24

then I'm never doing a podcast. It's it

4:26

was the main goal, but the whole time. Okay.

4:28

We'll just go with timing. It's the end of my

4:30

time. Excuse

4:32

me. The

4:34

universe knows that your podcast is the best

4:36

and that's why

4:36

yours is my first. There you go. Okay.

4:39

Good save. Yes. Good save.

4:43

Alright. So usually, I

4:45

start from the beginning with my guests. How did

4:47

you get into the adult industry? I

4:49

got oh my god. Okay. So I got

4:51

into the I was

4:53

a stripper. I started off as an

4:55

exotic dancer stripper, whatever you wanna call

4:57

it. I call those strippers. It's you

4:59

know. And

5:01

I was about nineteen years old.

5:03

I stripped for about maybe

5:06

six months. And, you

5:08

know, I had a crush on this guy that I worked at

5:10

a restaurant with. My first job was a waitress.

5:12

And I

5:15

was in love with this bartender. Like,

5:17

I was crazy about him and he was not

5:19

even cute. He was kinda creepy looking, but

5:21

I was obsessed with him and he dated a

5:23

porn star. And so I felt

5:25

like I needed to, like, get on that

5:27

level, so I became a stripper. And

5:29

then I stripped for six months

5:31

got completely over him. I ended up hooking up

5:33

with him. It was like, oh, whatever thing. And I was

5:35

like, you know what, fuck this? I wanna go be a porn star.

5:37

And

5:37

then I, like, looked into, like,

5:40

nude modeling. I looked

5:42

into, like, other things. I answered an

5:44

ad, and it was for a company

5:46

that shoots

5:47

adult films in San Diego. And

5:50

I answered it and they

5:53

wanted to do, like, a one time thing. Like, you can

5:55

only shoot for us once and then you can't work for

5:57

anybody else to sign a contract blah blah blah and

5:59

I was like, okay, whatever. Like, I

5:59

don't think I'm gonna do porn anyway.

6:02

So I committed to it, but

6:04

I I bailed so many times. I think I

6:06

bailed on him, like, four or five times. And then he was

6:08

like, you know what? I don't have any more work for you.

6:11

Not for, like, the next couple of months because I

6:13

was I was nervous. I was like, I don't know.

6:15

Like, this is scary. Yeah. So he's like

6:17

whenever you wanna take this seriously, hit me

6:19

up. But for the meantime, if you actually, like,

6:21

wanna get into like real porn, I have a friend who's

6:23

an agent in the industry, here's

6:25

his number if you ever wanna pursue that. And

6:27

I was like, okay. Whatever. Like, I saved the number.

6:30

It's actually really nice that because

6:32

initially, he

6:32

wanted to sign you to a contract where

6:34

you would only appear -- Right. --

6:37

for him. Mhmm. And then

6:39

when you flicked on him a bunch of times, he was like,

6:41

here's somebody else's number who can

6:43

help you get into all of the other

6:45

productions that I was trying to keep you from

6:47

doing with this contract? Yeah.

6:48

I mean, it was it was meant to be. That's the way I

6:50

look at it. It was definitely meant to be because

6:52

it worked out, like, to

6:54

my favorite, I ended up getting I

6:57

think I had like a bad night at the club. I was

6:59

like, fuck this shit. Like,

7:01

I'm gonna go do porn now. Fuck this. I,

7:03

like, did all my research. How much do porn stars

7:05

make? Like, how much can I make? And

7:07

you know, what do I need to do? Do I need to get my tits done?

7:09

Blah blah blah. Like, I, like, did all my

7:11

research. And I

7:13

ended up calling the agent I

7:16

won't say his name, but he

7:18

was, you know, he was amazing. He was my

7:20

first agent. I have so much love for him.

7:23

and he flew me out to Miami, got me, like,

7:25

a week's worth of work, and it was just it

7:27

was love at first sight. I was obsessed.

7:29

Like, I have fun with or I enjoyed

7:32

the the life. I I was nineteen,

7:34

so I'm like, this is, like, so

7:36

new and exciting and wrong and,

7:38

like, dirty but fun and, like, I

7:40

don't I didn't know what to make of it, but I it

7:42

just felt right within me. Mhmm. And

7:45

so I just kept going and it just

7:47

continued to flourish and I'm like,

7:49

okay, this is exactly where I need to be.

7:51

This I had to be triggered

7:53

and emotionally affected by some dirty

7:55

bartender who dated a porn star for me to

7:57

get exactly I need to be in life, I truly

7:59

feel that. Like, I think it was like a karmic

8:02

destiny

8:02

or something. Is this so interesting how

8:04

the universe works in such mysterious

8:06

way? It's so crazy. Yeah. I look

8:08

back on it and I'm like, holy shit. Like, if I

8:10

wasn't so, like, boy crazy, this

8:12

probably would have never happened. Yeah. It would have been like

8:14

a lawyer. Yeah. I don't

8:15

know. Oh, my gosh. No.

8:18

We're at a we're at a, you know, at

8:20

a desk somewhere. I don't know.

8:23

So tell me about your actual first

8:25

scene. My

8:26

first scene was it

8:28

was comfiesta. Oh

8:30

my god. You're like the third girl who's told

8:32

me that their first scene was comfy. It's

8:34

every That's

8:37

how they get you. They get you with the comfy

8:39

that their favorite thing to break

8:41

the cherry is with a fucking comfiestat.

8:43

Like, everybody that I know, they're first

8:45

seen as a comfiestat. And if it's not,

8:47

you're weird. like, get the fuck out. You're not

8:49

part of the club. You know? Like, you're not part of

8:51

the Comcast club. So

8:54

it was like, I remember being,

8:56

like, so fucking

8:57

unbelievably unbearably

8:59

nervous. Like, I was literally, like, I

9:02

was, like, shaking. I didn't know

9:04

what to, like, I wasn't, like, familiar

9:06

with you know,

9:07

cleaning out. They handed me a douche, and I was

9:09

like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I stick it

9:11

in my ass? Like, what do I do with this? Do I drink it?

9:14

Like, I had no idea

9:16

And I had to go and do

9:19

and, like, I hadn't, like, mastered

9:21

my, you know,

9:23

my my clean out like,

9:25

technique my clean out routine for, like, a porn

9:27

yet. So, like, this was just very new

9:29

for me. And

9:31

I remember I cleaned out. I

9:33

showered. I just did what I had to do

9:35

and then I put on the little outfit. They

9:37

gave me a kind of like

9:39

a basic line of like what I need to do. And

9:41

I remember like I

9:43

was just so fucking nervous. I don't even remember.

9:45

It was like kind of a blank. But when I got

9:47

to the point where, like, we had to, like, do the

9:49

sex. I remember, like, I

9:51

just went primal. Something inside of

9:53

me just shut down. Like, I turned off and I

9:55

just, like, did it. Mhmm. And I didn't

9:58

know if I was

9:58

good or not, I was really

9:59

insecure about it. I remember, like, kinda just

10:02

laying there with my eyes closed. Like, I was, like, not,

10:04

like, being

10:05

violated, but I was like, oh my god.

10:07

What the fuck am I doing? You know? because I

10:09

was, like, young and nice and

10:11

nervous. And I remember,

10:13

in that moment. I'm like, my dad's gonna fucking kill

10:15

me. Like, this fucking sucks.

10:17

I'm like, holy shit. I'm sorry,

10:20

mom. Like, I don't

10:20

know. Like, I was like,

10:22

freak. I was geking out a little bit. I'm not gonna

10:25

lie, but I just I got through it.

10:27

And then I remember when they were done,

10:29

they the director or no, the the

10:31

male talent that I worked with that day, he

10:33

took me back to the model house that I was

10:35

staying at and he

10:38

was so cute. He was so gracious. He was like,

10:40

she was fucking amazing. One of

10:42

the best we we've had so far. Well,

10:44

well, they they always say that about all of them. hors,

10:47

you know, whatever. Thanks. I

10:49

know I wasn't that good, but it was like

10:51

he was

10:52

being so sweet. So I felt very

10:54

right out of the gate, very welcomed and

10:57

very loved and held and, like, there was,

10:59

like, nothing to be as it'd be afraid of. Nobody's

11:01

gonna, like, make

11:02

fun of me. Like, I felt very

11:04

very welcomed with open arms

11:06

by everyone. Mhmm. You know, even though I

11:08

felt in my heart, I

11:08

was like, oh, that was first scene

11:10

ever that was, like, trash. It made them,

11:13

like, a freaking baby. You know, like, I didn't

11:15

know what I was doing.

11:17

But

11:17

after that, I think I got

11:20

into the motion of things and

11:23

I I got you just get the hang of it. It's like

11:25

riding a bike. eventually, you don't You're

11:27

not so nervous. Eventually, you get used to being in

11:29

hair and makeup. Eventually, like, the routine

11:31

becomes a thing and then you just you

11:33

just get used to it and you kind of work into,

11:35

like, a routine of, like, how you open up to

11:37

camera and, like, it -- Yeah. -- I had to

11:39

learn that as I went on though. Like, there were so

11:41

many things I didn't know in the beginning. I

11:43

didn't know to point my toes. I didn't --

11:45

Mhmm. -- I didn't know my angles. You know, like, there

11:47

was, like, certain things that I

11:49

didn't know how to do yet. So, like, some

11:51

of my very first scenes are, like, my

11:53

most embarrassing ones because I had no fucking

11:55

idea what I was doing. Like -- Yeah. -- I was

11:57

just timid and I'm like, oh, what am I

11:59

doing? Yeah. But, I mean, that's the truth

12:02

for everybody. Right. You know, I mean,

12:04

most of the time.

12:04

Yeah. For sure. What is

12:05

so because I've this name

12:08

has come up so frequently lately, and I

12:10

actually don't know anything about like the scene. What is a

12:12

comfy as a scene? It's

12:14

basically,

12:14

like, it's such a typical,

12:17

like, rehardy king's style

12:19

shoe, very, like, amateur. Some

12:22

girl walks up to your door and, you know,

12:24

it's in POB. The guy opens the door

12:26

and she's like, hi. I'm

12:28

here for the comfiesta. And he's

12:30

like, yeah, you wanna suck this dick baby, and

12:32

then she's like, yeah, that's why I'm here.

12:34

Picked me. And then that's how it happens.

12:36

It's so dumb. But -- Okay. --

12:37

I was texturing like a ging bang in a Mexican

12:39

restaurant. I don't know. I was way,

12:41

way off. It

12:42

might as well be that too. It's it

12:45

could be equally as strange

12:48

and random. It is you

12:50

know,

12:50

but it's yeah. That's basically what it is. It's

12:52

very immature and I

12:54

think that people like that. They like the idea

12:57

of a girl going up to your door

12:59

and saying, hey, I wanna fuck you. Like, it's a

13:01

fantasy thing. Yeah. And it works

13:03

because people freaking love

13:05

it. Yeah. They love it. And especially when they

13:07

get those brand new girls that are so

13:09

green and, like, they look

13:11

just

13:11

brand new. They're not brand new. They're not like showing

13:14

up like a porn star that's been doing this for

13:16

ten years, and it's like like, hey,

13:18

daddy. You know? Like, it's a

13:20

girl. It's like, hey, hey. I

13:23

wanna have sex. You know?

13:25

I don't know. Yeah. I mean, you like it. I

13:27

think it feels accessible totally. Yeah.

13:31

So what was your first year

13:33

in the industry like? I I

13:35

you talked about your first couple of

13:36

scenes, but, like, overall, what was that

13:38

first year like? It was cool. It

13:40

was a blast. I had a lot of fun.

13:42

I did a lot of drugs. I party a

13:44

lot. I made so many

13:46

friends and, like, I

13:49

I But as far as, like,

13:51

the shooting aspect of it, I

13:54

learned a lot. Like I said, I had to,

13:56

like, get into the motion of learning how to

13:58

point my toes. I ended up falling

14:01

madly in love with this fucking

14:03

guy in in the industry. I won't say his

14:05

name, but it was I think

14:07

the motivation of, like, my

14:09

feelings for him really

14:12

motivated me to wanna be the

14:14

best performer that I could be. And and

14:16

like sucking him off camera all

14:18

the time. Like, it really trained

14:20

me to, like, understand, like, this is how

14:22

I open up. This is how I and he taught me.

14:24

He literally trained

14:25

me. Mhmm. Like, like

14:27

a like a dog. Like, it was

14:29

kinda cool. Like, I'm grateful for

14:31

that, but it really helped me

14:33

in the sense that, like, whenever I would show up on that, I

14:35

had that confidence because when I first got into

14:37

porn, I wasn't sexually experienced. I

14:39

had sex maybe, like, seven times.

14:41

Oh, eight times my entire life.

14:44

So I had, like, lost my virginity, like, right

14:46

almost when I was out of high school,

14:48

had sex one more time,

14:50

like, right before I turned eighteen, and

14:53

then slept with a couple of guys at a party

14:55

and then whatever, you know. And,

14:57

like, it when I got into porn, so, like, I didn't know

14:59

what the hell I was doing. So this guy that

15:01

I was filling around with.

15:03

He kind of

15:05

opened things up for me. Like, opened

15:07

up my sexual he, like,

15:09

sexually woke me up. And so I was able

15:11

to, like, navigate myself through the

15:13

industry with that, and it

15:15

really helped -- Mhmm. -- within

15:17

my first year, though, it was really

15:19

easy. It was really cool. I

15:21

had a scene that came out and it

15:23

just blew up on pornhub. I

15:25

don't know why. I don't know

15:26

how. What was the seeds? It's it's called

15:28

kimi Granger likes it rough. Okay.

15:31

It went fucking nuts.

15:33

It was, like, second most viewed scene right

15:35

under Kim Kim Kardashian's sex tape

15:37

on pornhub. For years -- Wow.

15:39

-- for years and, like, was your partner in it?

15:41

It's Chad Chad White. Okay.

15:43

Yeah. Yeah. But

15:46

he when that came

15:48

out, I was just I was, like,

15:50

confused. I'm, like, that seems not even that good.

15:52

Like, I remember, like, that day I had a fucking

15:54

you know, I had a rash. I had a yeast infection. It was

15:57

feeling good. It was fat, like, not fat, but

15:59

like I You felt bloated. I felt

16:01

bloated. I was, like, starting my period

16:03

soon. My hair was kind of a mess. Like, it

16:05

was just not it was just another day

16:07

on Saturday. I'm like, okay. Let's wrap this shit up. Let's

16:09

get it over with. You know?

16:11

So I mean,

16:12

looking at it now, can you see why

16:14

it went viral? Are you still like perplexed? You

16:16

know, I literally just went back and

16:18

tried to rewatch it just to see because

16:20

people still talk about it to this very

16:22

day. That is where I got recognized.

16:25

That is where my name

16:27

shot out was because of that

16:29

scene. So sometimes I go back and I'm like,

16:31

I

16:32

still don't get it. But, okay, if you guys like

16:34

it, then cool. Like, that's awesome.

16:36

Thank you. Thank you for the recognition. If that's

16:38

the scene that was my undoing,

16:40

then awesome. I'm grateful for that, but, like,

16:42

I don't get it. I was you know,

16:44

once again, my toes weren't pointed. I was just

16:46

kinda, like, you know,

16:47

just new. I had, like, this

16:49

new but that's what what they

16:51

liked. Probably what it was. Yeah. I

16:53

don't know. But when that happened, it

16:55

was I hit number one on pornhub, and

16:57

it was just off to the races.

17:00

Wow. Yeah. It

17:01

was really cool. So you got in at

17:03

nineteen. Mhmm. There's

17:04

been I've talked to so

17:06

many different performers about feeling

17:09

like when they got in that early, it was

17:11

too soon and they should have waited till

17:14

later. I've also talked to performers who

17:16

were like, no, I was ready and

17:18

eighteen nineteen. There's, like, so much controversy

17:20

over whether or not the age

17:22

for getting into porn should be raised.

17:25

Mhmm. How how what was your experience

17:27

like?

17:28

Well, I

17:29

can see why that would be a

17:32

debate because

17:34

if I knew then what I know now,

17:36

I feel like would be better, it would be different,

17:39

obviously, my performance. I I don't know.

17:41

I I think about that sometimes, but

17:44

I'm really glad that I got in when I was young

17:46

because I could spend all of my

17:48

twenties growing and

17:50

learning

17:51

and and And,

17:52

like, what's the word I'm

17:54

looking for? Expanding in the

17:57

industry. Like, if I started right now, I

17:59

would

17:59

be

17:59

older. I would be more

18:02

experienced. Sure. But, like, I would be older and, like, I

18:04

would have, like, kind of, my time would be

18:06

coming up. So in in some sense, like,

18:08

in four years. you know. Mhmm. So I'm

18:10

I liked that I got in. I almost wish I got

18:12

in when I was eighteen, like, right out of high school,

18:14

like, even earlier, so I had even more time.

18:17

But it happened exactly when it was supposed

18:19

to. But I think it's beneficial for

18:21

girls to get in when they're younger. Mhmm.

18:23

Because you can grow with

18:26

yourself in the industry. Like, if it's

18:28

something you really, really wanna do

18:30

and it's something you have a passion for,

18:32

like, if you're just born

18:34

bread slut and you wanna get into born,

18:36

do it when you're young. Mhmm. And have fun with

18:38

it and blow up and go

18:40

have fun with it, you know, and spend

18:42

as much time as you can in

18:44

it because there is a time frame

18:46

until you're eventually like, you know, you

18:48

gotta make some decisions on, like, what you

18:50

wanna do with yourself in your life. It's a lot of pressure. Yeah. It's

18:52

a lot of societal pressure. It's a lot

18:54

of pressure, like, you know,

18:57

because our brand is reliant

18:59

on our bodies and our health and our

19:01

youth and whatever. So if you're,

19:03

you know, getting that start

19:05

out young I feel

19:07

like that's more beneficial. Right?

19:09

Yeah. I mean,

19:09

you have a longer trajectory. I guess it

19:11

just depends

19:11

on what it also depends on what your brand is.

19:14

Like, there's some women who have like, missus

19:16

Robinson's a great Example, she's in her

19:18

fifties and she got in, like, in her fifties, but

19:20

her brand is MELF. Oh, for sure. Like, she's,

19:22

like, the MELF. She's, like,

19:23

the sexy housewife, That's her

19:25

things. And that suits her perfectly. Absolutely. So,

19:28

yeah, I think it just depends on, like, how you're

19:30

gonna market yourself. No. Totally. And

19:31

so for me, it was the team thing. So

19:34

I -- Yeah. -- I had no other

19:36

avenue because I wasn't I didn't look like,

19:38

you know, I didn't have my boobs done. I had the

19:40

small boobs. So it was all natural. So it worked

19:42

for me. Mhmm. But, yes, if you

19:44

have, like, big tits and you're more, like,

19:46

in the Milfy category than cool, then

19:48

there's, like, the, you know, the Madison

19:50

Ivy's. She's stunning, and she's hot

19:52

bitch. Like, she's hot girl

19:54

born. She's not mil. She's not teen. She's

19:56

just hot girl born. So there are

19:58

different categories for different times to get in.

20:00

Mhmm. So I think it is I think it's just

20:03

it just depends. Yeah. For

20:05

me, like, if you're like a young girl

20:07

and you're cute and have small

20:09

boobs and whatever, then get in young and

20:11

work the teen shit. It's a great niche and

20:13

it's really really like lucrative.

20:15

I think, like,

20:16

the only time when I see it being a

20:18

problem getting in young is when you

20:22

sometimes

20:22

you're in pulse when you're young and you don't really think

20:24

things through -- Okay. -- and porn is not

20:26

for everybody. No. I think we can everybody

20:28

in porn can confidently say

20:30

that. It's like, a great job

20:33

for, like, I was quote

20:35

Asaakira because I feel like she said this so

20:37

perfectly. She's like, porn is

20:39

a horrible idea for

20:41

most people. but for like a small amount of

20:43

people, like a small percentage, it's

20:45

like a great job. It's a great

20:47

decision. So you have to know that

20:49

this is something that

20:51

you're comfortable with. You're comfortable with

20:53

your sexuality. You're definitely

20:55

an exhibitionist. You're not just doing it for the money

20:57

because if you're doing it just for the money,

20:59

like, no amount of money will ever

21:01

make it feel okay. Mhmm.

21:05

And that you are also,

21:07

like, okay. With the stigma that comes along with

21:09

it, like, you, you know, have thought through, like, how

21:11

your family might react, like, what

21:13

your future might look like. Like, if you've really

21:15

considered all of these things, then it

21:17

can be a fabulous career

21:19

choice for you. Mhmm. But if you haven't and you

21:21

get in just because, like, I don't know, and

21:24

then you find that, like, it is not

21:26

suited for you, the unfortunate thing is

21:28

is that what you've done is out there

21:30

forever. It will follow you forever.

21:32

And then also too, I just see

21:34

a problem with younger people.

21:36

And even Dude, this is something that I'm

21:38

still working on at forty four hold

21:40

my forty four. I think I'm forty four.

21:41

I just turned forty four. Right? Like forty

21:43

four. No. Or forty three.

21:45

I think

21:46

I'm forty four. Twenty one. Pretty sure.

21:48

Twenty one. I'm forty four. At my

21:50

age of twenty one, I

21:52

still struggle with this as setting boundaries.

21:55

Yes. Right? That I think is the hardest thing to

21:57

do, and that's harder for younger people.

21:59

And if you don't

21:59

have if you get started with a

22:02

bad agent or you get caught up

22:04

with the wrong people, and you don't

22:06

know, like, how to say that you

22:08

can go down the wrong path.

22:09

Definitely. And it like I said, it just

22:12

depends on where

22:12

you're at in life. And, yeah, those there

22:15

are the the repercussions that come with

22:17

it. The consequences, of course. Like,

22:20

I you have

22:20

to go in with grit. Mhmm. You do. You need to

22:22

go in and you need to be strong. You need to tough it

22:24

out because this is not for everybody and you

22:26

need to be you need to have that mindset like

22:28

I don't give fuck what people think. My family

22:30

finds out then and they wanna dis me for this

22:32

and then disown me like fuck them. You

22:35

know, that's that was the mindset that I went

22:37

into it with. because

22:40

I was already,

22:42

like, fending for myself -- Mhmm. -- at that

22:44

time in my life. You know, I wasn't getting

22:46

along with anybody anyway. So I

22:48

was like, fuck you. Yeah. Like, I'm gonna go do

22:50

me. Yeah. You know? And I

22:52

didn't and when they did find out though,

22:54

it was everything was chill. Like,

22:56

nobody judged me, and I'm grateful for that.

22:58

But, you know,

22:59

it it is. It's

23:00

It just depends on

23:03

the life that you're living. It depends on what's

23:05

in your heart. It depends on you

23:07

can't be sensitive. You can't you can't be

23:09

hard on yourself. You have to

23:11

have grit. You also I feel that you also kind of

23:13

have to have that if you're just gonna be in entertainment

23:15

anyways. Mhmm. Like, if you're just gonna put yourself

23:16

out there, especially now with social media and

23:19

everyone in the world getting like,

23:21

chime in in the comments on Instagram, like, what if they think

23:23

about you? If you're gonna go into a

23:25

career path where your

23:27

job is literally to appear in

23:29

front of the world put yourself out

23:31

there, like, yeah, you're opening the

23:33

door for criticism in anything that

23:35

you do. Right. It's you gotta just

23:37

be okay with it. Yeah. That's with

23:40

anything Hollywood singing whatever

23:42

-- Mhmm. -- people are gonna be

23:44

mean regardless of where you're at, so

23:47

completely

23:47

agree. how do you handle that? Like, trolls on social media,

23:49

like, negative feedback? Fuck

23:51

the trolls,

23:52

dude. I I so back

23:54

in the day, like, the old me used to

23:56

just play with them. You know?

23:58

If they would say some shit, I would

23:59

just slap

24:02

them on a grill and fry them.

24:04

for twenty minutes, you know. But now

24:06

I'm just, like, whatever. I block and delete. Block

24:08

and delete. Block and delete. Block and delete. I'm, like, I

24:10

don't need that negativity in my life. Fuck

24:13

you. Mhmm. So I do a lot of blocking and a lot of

24:15

deleting and I do not let it

24:17

affect me. Like, I don't. because I'm just like, you're

24:19

just a little bitch dude.

24:21

You're just sad and miserable and

24:23

your own weird weirdo ass life and

24:25

you're going out of your way to, like,

24:27

come

24:27

at me, like, who the fuck are you?

24:30

Mhmm. You know? Like, okay.

24:32

Yeah. I've always

24:33

felt that the way people treat you is more

24:35

indicative about how they feel about themselves -- Mhmm. --

24:37

rather than how they feel about you. No. For sure. There's a

24:39

lot of people out there with a ton of

24:42

shame and fear around

24:44

sex. And, like, you're the perfect

24:47

candidate attack.

24:48

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're the perfect punching

24:50

bag because they can take out all, like, their

24:52

fears and, like, their misogyny and

24:54

and everything against Definitely. It's funny

24:57

because I kind of forget the kind of visceral

24:59

that you guys experience because

25:01

I don't get it so much. I mean,

25:03

don't worry. I get it. Like, yeah. Go

25:05

read my YouTube comments. I mean,

25:08

like, they can be pretty mean sometimes.

25:11

But I think because I'm not a performer, I don't

25:13

I don't get it as much. And I recently

25:15

did a podcast with Adrianna

25:18

Chechek, and I released a

25:20

real and then I tagged her as a collaborator

25:22

and she accepted so it got pushed out

25:24

to all of her fans as well. Mhmm. And I

25:26

went through and I was reading the

25:28

common I was like, holy shit. Like, there

25:30

was

25:30

so much nastiness in there.

25:32

It just really really means

25:35

stuff. just

25:35

about how you're worthless,

25:38

you're used goods. I mean, just like

25:40

everything that you can imagine. And I was

25:42

like, wow. This is stuff that

25:44

you guys face every day all the

25:46

time. Yeah. It's nasty. It's

25:48

it's fucking

25:48

nasty. It's not

25:51

You know? And at first, I remember in the beginning,

25:53

like, when it started happening, like, I really let

25:55

it affect me. I did. It used to

25:58

it used

25:58

to break my fucking heart

25:59

because I'm like, oh my god. Like, I would

26:02

allow that to consume me to the

26:04

point. Like, I wanted to fucking

26:05

kill myself. Like,

26:07

now, I mean, now I'm, like, fuck

26:10

you. Like, I know my worth and I know

26:12

my value and, like, what I bring

26:14

what I've brought to the table

26:16

to myself, my family, to the industry,

26:18

like, there's nothing that anyone can tell me. Like,

26:20

you're just a miserable fuck. And you're jealous. And you wanna

26:22

fuck me? That's so you can't. fuck you. It's

26:24

also weird

26:25

because these are people who are following

26:27

you on. So, like, they've chosen

26:29

to follow you and watch your career

26:31

and watch your

26:32

Yeah. No. You can't follow me now. Yeah.

26:34

You know, I'm gonna go to and and

26:36

they just wanna, like, attack you. It's

26:38

just really bizarre. Yeah. It's so weird. I'm,

26:40

like, whatever, dude. But yeah. No. I

26:42

think, like, for I would the best advice I would

26:44

give to, like, new girls is just block and

26:47

delete. Block and delete. Block and delete. Like, if

26:49

you see any negative comments, like, when

26:51

I post something on Instagram, now

26:53

that when I anytime I do it, like, I

26:55

spend the whole day going through the

26:57

comments and sifting through them and

26:59

filtering out the shit. Mhmm. I do it

27:01

because I don't want that shit in my life.

27:03

I don't want that negativity on my page. If

27:05

I go and read the comments, I wanna see

27:07

nothing but You're amazing. You're

27:09

beautiful. I love you. You're my favorite.

27:11

Just uplifting me. I don't wanna see, like, oh,

27:13

your dad must be so proud or you're

27:15

fucking disgusting. Like, you're going to hell, whatever. You

27:17

know? Like, my dad is proud, by the way.

27:19

Not proud of this, but he's proud of me.

27:22

He's proud that I'm happy and stable,

27:25

like, you know, and so people don't

27:27

think about those things. Like, you don't

27:29

know my life. Yeah. You don't know what

27:31

you don't know shit. Like, you think that you know, you there is

27:33

a stigma. Like, you're putting you're putting a

27:36

stereotype on something

27:38

and it's not anywhere

27:40

near, like, what you think it is. That's your

27:42

fucking problem. I always find you

27:44

know what I find interesting? I find that your

27:46

dad must be

27:47

proud comment interesting because it

27:50

suggests that your value only rests in

27:52

how your father sees

27:54

you. Like, on how another man, like, if

27:56

if, like, you know, the man in your life,

27:58

your father doesn't, like, consider you

27:59

valuable, then, therefore, you have no

28:01

value. And, like, people have complicated family

28:04

relations totally. Means people don't have dads. No. You know,

28:06

we're no relationship with their fathers whatsoever

28:08

or their dads are shitty. Oh,

28:10

yeah. So, like, why does your value have to

28:12

be measured in, like, what your father

28:14

thinks of you. It's just like a strange kind of

28:17

misogynistic, archaic -- Oh,

28:19

yeah. -- thing, you know. It's

28:20

so deep. but -- Yeah. -- you I just let him think

28:22

that because I know my relationship with

28:25

my dad. Mhmm. And,

28:27

you know, I bought him a home. Like,

28:29

I take care of him. I love him. Like, I want my dad to

28:32

be proud of me. Mhmm.

28:33

You know, I don't ever want

28:34

him to think that I went into

28:36

this to hurt I don't want anybody to think that

28:38

I went into this to to

28:40

affect them or

28:41

piss them off or anything. Like, I went into this because

28:43

I wanted it. I really genuinely

28:46

feel like it's the right thing for me. I love

28:48

it. I love love love love love this job. More

28:50

than anything. I just pick it over boyfriends, I

28:52

pick it over anyone. Like, it's my life. It is

28:54

my love. And so my

28:57

my

28:58

dad and I have like

29:01

built such a tremendous relationship

29:04

throughout this journey of me being

29:06

in the industry. And that's like something that I

29:08

don't show on social media because I don't want I

29:10

don't want my dad to be act. I don't want anybody to

29:12

see that. You know? And I don't want them

29:14

to, like, say any weird shit about my dad because I

29:16

love my dad and my dad loves me and,

29:18

like, we're

29:18

chill. Like, we're good. You know?

29:21

And I know that in my heart. So, like, when they say shit

29:23

like that, I'm like, block and delete by.

29:25

Yeah. Yeah. You did say when you first

29:26

got it started though that you were, like, not getting

29:28

along with your family. Decent. So then that relationship

29:31

changed over time. It did. And

29:32

surprisingly, it this like, it was,

29:35

like, almost, like, porn

29:37

brought my dad and I closer together.

29:39

Interesting. Which is, like, crazy, you

29:41

would never think. Right? But, like,

29:43

my dad and I never were,

29:44

like, super close. Mhmm. You know, I

29:46

was always focused on my mom. You

29:48

know, my mom was an alcoholic and she

29:51

was just gone. She

29:53

was just you know, done. She was

29:55

done with life and she checked the fuck out a long

29:57

time ago and I was always focused on her and, like, come

29:59

back. Come back. I love

29:59

you. I love you. And, like, my dad and I were

30:02

always, like, up and down and, like, whatever. Like, I

30:04

didn't really I didn't really

30:06

bond with

30:06

him too much growing up.

30:08

He was very

30:10

good to me. My dad and I had a good relationship. He

30:12

always took good care of me, but I

30:14

was I had a better relationship with

30:16

my mom because I was constantly trying to

30:18

get her stop drinking constantly get her try to get her

30:20

to, like, love me and, like, change for me

30:22

and, like, whatever and it didn't

30:24

work. And I just kinda let

30:27

the the

30:27

rejection consume me

30:30

and drive me into the

30:32

decisions of just not giving a

30:35

fuck, which eventually led me into porn, which

30:38

somehow, you know, brought me closer to my It's

30:40

weird how it worked out. I don't really know how

30:42

or why, but it worked out in

30:44

my favor and super grateful for

30:47

that.

30:47

But my dad when he did find

30:49

out it was traumatizing. he

30:51

was mortified. He didn't he wanted to

30:54

die. Like, he was, like, what the fuck did I

30:56

do wrong to make the like,

30:58

what did I do wrong as a father?

31:00

You know? no dad wants this for their

31:02

kids, you know. It's common,

31:04

but he Well, I think like

31:05

no parent wants to think of their child in a

31:08

sexual way. No. So when you're going out

31:10

and having, like, sex on camera for the

31:12

world to see it's uncomfortable for all

31:14

parents because you don't, you

31:15

know. Yeah. So he

31:18

Exactly. And so, like, he he

31:20

he disturbed him and I gave him

31:22

the space that he needed, and then some months down

31:24

the road after he found out, I

31:26

would always reach out to him and be like, hey, dad,

31:28

I'm just checking on you. I love you. I'm

31:30

just sending you a text to let you know I'm still

31:32

here whenever you're ready. I love you. You know,

31:35

like, I'm I love you. You know? Whenever you're ready to talk to

31:37

me, I'm here. I love you. Like,

31:39

I'm not doing this to hurt you.

31:41

And

31:41

the and one

31:42

day he finally reached out to me and I guess he

31:44

went and saw a movie that,

31:47

like, touched his heart and

31:49

reminded him of you

31:51

know, there's so many other things to worry about and

31:53

there's so many things to be

31:55

grateful for and, like, he'd rather have

31:58

a daughter that does porn than a

31:59

daughter that's dead basically. You

32:01

know what I mean? And he had a

32:03

lot of guidance from his friends and he had a

32:06

buddy that also had lost

32:08

a daughter to cancer, and it was horrible.

32:10

And he said that to my dad. He was like,

32:12

listen, I wonder if my daughter was

32:14

banging the Dallas Cowboys. the entire team.

32:16

Mhmm. It's like, I just would rather have her

32:18

back here. Yeah. And my dad was

32:21

like, you know, I think that that really,

32:23

like, affect him. Yeah. That's a powerful

32:25

message. Yeah. And so he he

32:27

finally came to me and it was

32:29

just like, Amazing after

32:31

that. Yeah. And then he was

32:33

probably once you had him back in your

32:35

life, was he then able to see

32:37

that, like, maybe the industry

32:39

wasn't as harmful as we've all been

32:41

taught that it is. Yeah. Well, because I

32:43

I told him, I made it very clear to him,

32:45

like, I'm safe. I'm happy. I'm not on

32:47

drugs. Like, I'm listen. I'm not perfect.

32:49

I was having fun, but I wasn't

32:51

like, you know, my dad looked

32:53

at porn like, the Linda lovelace days.

32:56

Mhmm. You know, where, like, the women were

32:58

getting traffic and beaten

33:00

and and, like, you know what I mean? I'm

33:02

getting kinda, like, treated like shit.

33:04

Mhmm. Those are like the the the different

33:06

era of porn that's it's not like

33:08

that anymore. And I explained that to him, like, everything

33:10

is so careful and documented

33:12

and, like, to by by

33:14

a very specific book and, like, the women in the

33:16

industry are, like, respected to

33:19

a extremely high degree. Like, we are

33:21

treated like Princesses and, like, they

33:23

love us and, like, nobody and once again,

33:25

like, it's not perfect, but

33:27

I had never had a bad experience.

33:29

you know, I was always treated with the utmost respect by

33:31

everyone and I told my dad that, I was like,

33:33

I'm safe, I'm good, I'm happy -- Mhmm. --

33:36

just be grateful for that. Like, I'm financially

33:38

stable. Things are good. And then he ended

33:40

up being you know, he now he's

33:42

my manager. Like, he manages all my

33:44

finances. He helps he does, like, all my

33:47

bookkeeping and, like, we're like a like a

33:49

team.

33:49

Wow.

33:50

So it's super cool. Yeah. So it's

33:52

super cool. So he you know,

33:54

it worked out and my dad is,

33:56

like, completely he doesn't even think of porn

33:58

as porn anymore. He literally says it

33:59

like, P0RN Like, it's just a

34:02

word. Like, I don't fucking care. You know? He's

34:04

like, just as long as you're happy, you're making money,

34:06

things are good, like, I'm good. You know? Yeah. I

34:08

mean,

34:08

I think once people start to see,

34:10

like, how the industry works. Like and and

34:12

there's,

34:12

like, different size of the industry. I mean, you

34:14

mentioned, like, the Linda lovelace days. Mhmm. And

34:16

I definitely think that the industry

34:20

is like, significantly better now. There's just better structure. It's

34:22

a more I mean, it's

34:24

ironic that this has made the industry

34:26

better, but

34:27

it's more corporate than it used to be, which is, like, good in

34:30

some sense and bad in another sense, good in

34:32

the sense that, like,

34:34

corporations

34:34

really like,

34:37

structure and they like to play by the rules, and

34:39

they're always, like, terrified of getting sued.

34:42

Yeah. So I think they're just,

34:44

like, let's do all of these things to make sure that,

34:46

like, everybody's

34:46

No one's gonna sue us. There's no liabilities.

34:49

Right. Right. So that's where, like,

34:51

the boundary checklists come in and stuff like that

34:53

and, like, the talent, liaisons, and all the stuff that we

34:55

have on set now. Yep. But even like

34:57

back then, I mean, there's definitely tons horror stories. But I

34:59

also think, like, it's not as bad

35:01

as people like

35:02

to think it is because

35:05

you know, the mainstream media has been

35:07

feeding the idea of porn as

35:09

a violating act, as, you

35:12

know, exploiting women, as

35:14

trafficking women, forever.

35:16

You know? So that's the narrative that has been

35:18

fed to the world --

35:20

Sure. -- for all eternity. And the only

35:23

reason that I feel like it's even changing

35:25

now is the accessibility from things like

35:27

social media, from

35:30

platforms like podcasts

35:32

and stuff, where performers and people who

35:34

work in the industry can actually come forward and say,

35:36

like, this is actually my experience and

35:38

this is my life. Yeah. You

35:41

know, because it's like, why don't you allow sex

35:43

workers to speak for themselves and tell

35:45

you about their experience? Or

35:48

you know, I mean, you

35:50

might find people, like, documentaries specifically. No

35:54

shade. There's

35:56

a documentary crew hair

35:58

filming today, but they're gonna, like, penis

36:00

in

36:00

an amazingly wonderful light.

36:03

cherry

36:06

picking the worst stories that they can

36:07

find, like, they're the

36:10

performers who had a terrible experience. And those

36:12

experiences are valid too, by the way, I don't

36:14

ever wanna suggest that

36:16

they're not. Yeah. There's all different kinds of

36:18

experiences, but they love to, like,

36:20

ignore the people who are,

36:22

like, actually, this has been a great experience for me because,

36:24

like, I don't know, people wanna turn

36:26

on the TV and they wanna hear

36:28

about these.

36:29

horrible stories and they wanna hear

36:31

about this shocking, like, you

36:33

know, porn life. Mhmm. Like,

36:35

when people

36:36

were, like, actually, like, made me financially independent. I

36:38

bought a house. I bought a house for my dad. Yeah.

36:40

Like, I'm managing my finances. I'm actually,

36:42

like, doing really well. I'm not exciting to

36:45

people.

36:45

No. I mean,

36:46

it's it's that's so true. It's

36:48

people they

36:48

want to have a stigma

36:51

against it because some people

36:53

just cannot wrap their

36:55

mind around how someone can be so vulnerable in

36:57

that position and how you can literally get

36:59

stripped down, get naked, and have sex

37:01

in front of a camera and put it out for the

37:03

world to see, like, it's it is mind boggling -- Mhmm. -- to people. And

37:05

I get that. I understand if I wasn't

37:08

in porn, I'd

37:10

be like, oh, god. I probably could never do that, you know, in another

37:12

life. But so I can see

37:14

why people like find it so

37:17

mind boggling, but there

37:19

are people that are fucking down for

37:21

it and are cool enough to do it and so

37:23

like be grateful for that instead of like attacking us

37:25

about it. Be grateful that we

37:27

are here to provide you the shit that you need to have an

37:30

orgasm. Yeah. You're welcome.

37:32

What the fuck? instead

37:36

of attacking me, yes, my dad loves me. And also, you're welcome.

37:39

Like, fuck. You know,

37:41

I also think about how the fact

37:43

that the two things that the

37:45

best in media is sex and fear. So if

37:47

you combine those two -- Yeah. -- into,

37:50

like, a tragic

37:50

story of, like, a fallen porn star, it's,

37:52

like, Mm-mm. The

37:55

rating. Yes. It's so

37:57

good. Alright, guys. We're gonna take a quick commercial break, and

37:59

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40:31

are back. So Kimmy,

40:34

you became

40:35

extremely popular. You were a

40:37

browser's

40:37

contract star. You had you

40:40

were the number one on

40:42

pornhub. How did how did, like, all

40:44

of that fame affect you? I

40:46

don't really like to think

40:47

that it affected

40:48

me in

40:50

a

40:52

in a

40:53

cocky way because I have pun intended.

40:55

Sorry.

40:55

Sorry. I couldn't help

40:58

you.

40:58

No. I I remember,

41:02

like, telling myself that in

41:03

the beginning, like, if shit ever popped off and, like, I

41:05

did something happen, like, I'm gonna stay humble.

41:07

I'm gonna stay cool. I'm not gonna

41:09

let this, like, destroy

41:12

my personality because I am bubbly

41:14

and I'm fun and I like to laugh

41:16

and joke and be myself. And so I'm

41:18

like, I'm not gonna let this destroy me.

41:21

And so that was

41:22

it was a conscious effort. It did get

41:24

to my head a couple of times. I'm not gonna lie.

41:27

There were sometimes where I'm like, fucking amazing. What

41:29

all you want? What all you envision? Like,

41:31

you know, but, like,

41:33

III was

41:35

always humbled by you

41:38

know, something. There's always something that, like, reminded

41:40

me, okay, you're still human. We're all human.

41:42

Chill the fuck out. You're you're

41:44

just it's just pouring real

41:46

you know. But I

41:49

think that staying in

41:52

my element

41:54

to staying home and living in San Diego with my family

41:56

staying around my friends and like

41:58

only going to work and back.

42:02

really helped because it kept me grounded and it kept me

42:04

in a place of

42:08

familiarity, like

42:09

that reminds me of who I used to be

42:11

before this. Mhmm. Being around all my friends that I

42:13

grew up with and being around

42:15

my family who raised me and, like, whatever

42:17

else, that's what kept me grounded. Mhmm. I feel

42:20

like there's a lot of people in

42:22

this industry that lose sight of that. You

42:24

know, they

42:26

they end up, like, like, moving to LA or moving to Miami or

42:28

Vegas or whatever and getting caught up in

42:30

the scene and getting blowing

42:34

so much smoke up their own ass. They forget who they really are and

42:36

they just become like And

42:38

I always thought that was

42:39

so nasty, you know. I always looked at it

42:41

and I'm like, oh, stop. Like, don't

42:43

be that guy. Don't do that. Don't don't be that girl. Like, don't don't be

42:45

that person. Mhmm. Just don't. Yeah. Like, you're really

42:47

you're not, like, don't

42:49

stick your finger up

42:50

your own ass and sniff it. Don't be that weird out. Yeah.

42:52

You know, I don't know. It just it always, like,

42:54

grossed me out. So I think that

42:57

by keeping myself grounded with the friends that would like

42:59

be like you're you're still that weird ass bitch

43:02

in middle school that like did that

43:04

thing and like remember who

43:06

you are you know, and, like,

43:08

that really really helped. I'm, like, okay,

43:10

that's right. I'm not, like, this little

43:12

princess that -- Mhmm. -- you

43:14

know, people try to

43:16

make me out to be or, you know, I don't know. I

43:18

just I just tried to

43:20

I just

43:20

tried to keep that that person inside of

43:22

me that I was when I was a kid, when I was in

43:25

high school, when I was in middle school, like, just try

43:27

to stay humble. Yeah. You have to stay humble. You

43:29

cannot let this shit consume you. advice

43:32

to new girls. Like, be getting

43:34

in. Like, stay humble. Stay

43:36

yourself. Like, don't let this shit turn you into a

43:38

monster because

43:40

it's

43:40

not I think it's also,

43:42

like, having family

43:44

and friends you knew from before there

43:46

to ground you, I think is such

43:48

an important -- Yeah. important thing to

43:50

have and not everybody has that. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I

43:53

can see how that would be difficult.

43:55

Because, yeah, I mean, for me,

43:56

like, first of all, I I

43:58

really don't think I'm a big deal anyways, but, like, if I

43:59

started to feel that way, you

44:02

know, like, my siblings are

44:04

just, like, Shut up.

44:06

Shut the fuck

44:06

up. Yeah. No. Totally. And, like, if

44:08

if and, you know, obviously, there are people that

44:11

get in this that don't have that

44:13

-- Yeah. -- availability in their life to

44:15

keep them, you know, regrouped and grounded

44:16

and remind them who they are.

44:19

So, like, I think the best thing

44:21

to do in that sense is to pick your friends

44:24

wisely. Mhmm. Choose people in

44:26

your life that

44:28

make you that make you feel

44:30

safe, that don't make you feel like you need to be

44:32

someone that you know you're not -- Mhmm. --

44:34

because that can happen too. Like, you can get

44:36

caught up in the wrong group of people --

44:38

Mhmm. -- in this industry that will, like, turn you

44:40

into literally a fucking

44:42

monster. Yeah. I don't know. I've seen it

44:43

time and time again, and that was

44:45

just a motivation and people always hold me like when I

44:48

would walk on set. They're like, we love your energy.

44:50

We love you. You're so goofy. You're so fine.

44:52

And like, I wanted

44:54

to always keep that in people's minds. I don't ever want people to think that

44:56

I'm just this,

44:58

you know, amazing --

44:59

Yeah. Yeah. -- you know,

45:01

I don't ever want that. that's not

45:03

who I am. I'm -- Right. -- kinda grainy like, I like to sit in

45:05

my sweatpants and and gourd

45:07

on burritos and fartened

45:09

my couch cushion. Like, I'm not, like Wow. It's

45:12

hot. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not

45:14

this, like I don't know. So

45:16

I just try to keep

45:18

that stable because it can get to your

45:20

head. Yeah. It can. It can

45:22

it can get you -- Yeah. -- keep up

45:24

really hard. You've mentioned that you regret getting your

45:25

boobs done. Oh, yeah. Do you wanna

45:28

talk about it? Yeah.

45:29

Let's talk about it. I

45:32

forget you're like These

45:34

won't be hitting the first. These stupid

45:36

things. Yeah. Well, so I got my boobs

45:38

done in twenty twenty. January

45:41

of

45:41

twenty twenty, and I

45:43

got them done after my

45:45

mom passed away. And

45:47

I wanted something for myself. My mom

45:50

and I were supposed to get boot jobs together. It was like,

45:52

aren't gonna be our thing. And, like, I was

45:54

gonna, like, get hers because she has her

45:56

boobs done or had her boobs done, but

45:58

she ended up never

46:00

getting

46:00

them, like, redone. And I was like, it's okay

46:03

mom, like, gonna get them together and then she ended up passing away and

46:05

I was like fuck this. I'm gonna go do this for me and

46:07

I'm gonna do it for my mom as well. Like,

46:09

I was like, the grieve

46:10

it was the grieving that took over.

46:12

You know, grief makes you do crazy

46:14

shit. Yeah. It really does. And the

46:17

grief drove me into

46:19

making really weird,

46:22

miss stake that I can't turn really Like,

46:26

I I marketed on being all natural. I

46:28

marketed on

46:30

having little boobs. They loved my boobs. Nobody ever had shit to say

46:32

about me -- Mhmm. -- because I

46:34

I stayed true to myself, you know,

46:36

and I lost sight of that.

46:40

because

46:40

I was depressed and, like, grieving, and I

46:42

needed to, like, feel like you're not going to

46:44

make you feel better. I wanted something to make me feel better,

46:46

and I felt like it was time. I'm like, I've been

46:49

in the industry five Like, I've had a

46:51

great career. Like, I've done

46:53

a lot. Like, I have a flashlight.

46:55

Everything's cool. Like, I I did all the

46:57

things. It's cool. you know, so

46:59

I, like, justified it in my head.

47:02

I got them done. Low and behold, the

47:04

doctor, when I went to my

47:06

consultation, she ends up putting telling me she wanted to

47:08

put a textured implant inside of me. And I was like, fuck

47:10

no. I don't want a textured implant. Like, that

47:12

sounds so weird. She's like, yeah. Your boobs are kinda

47:14

kinda, like, staying in place. And I'm like, no. I want them

47:16

to be, like, bouncy and

47:18

natural and like, I don't want them to look

47:20

weird. You know? The day

47:22

of the surgery, they fuck me

47:24

up. They give me some drugs. They give me

47:26

something to, like, ease the nerves. And she comes in while

47:29

inflect up and talks me into

47:31

getting that textured implant. When I

47:33

didn't want it,

47:36

at the

47:36

consultation, when I was willing sound, she talked me into

47:38

it when I was

47:39

fucked up on drugs, lo and behold, it turns out she

47:41

gets a commission from, like,

47:44

upselling those. took a

47:46

completely advantage of me. I I'm,

47:48

like, two weeks into healing from my boot

47:50

job, and someone, like, sent me a link

47:52

that the specific implant that I had

47:54

inside me was being recalled everywhere for causing cancer and all this crazy shit.

47:57

I'm like,

47:59

great. that's fucking awesome. Like, thanks a lot.

48:02

Thanks for fucking nothing, you know.

48:04

So I ended up having to give it six

48:06

months. You have to wait six months until you can

48:08

get them

48:10

redone. And I

48:10

excuse me. I wait six

48:13

months,

48:13

I get them redone. And then the doctor

48:15

that I got them

48:18

redone, why puts them in too far apart and one

48:20

of them was like, they were like going like

48:22

that. They looked fucked up. And

48:24

I'm like, oh my god, this is getting

48:26

so much worse. I'm like,

48:28

I'm literally, like, digging myself deeper

48:30

into a fucking grave. I'm like, this is

48:32

horrible. And so and then anytime

48:34

I would lay down, they would,

48:36

like, literally slide into my armpits. I was just all sternum and

48:38

implants. It was so

48:40

bad. It was so fucking ugly

48:42

eyes. Oh, they

48:44

look like shit. They were horrible. And I was just like, this is my worst

48:46

nightmare, but whatever, I got obviously got to get

48:48

them fixed. My body is

48:50

reliant on

48:52

my life. Like, I have to look good and I have to feel good. So

48:56

January of

48:57

twenty twenty one, I

48:59

get them redone again. I get them done by a doctor up

49:01

here in LA. And

49:04

he does a fucking lobotomy

49:06

on them. He does everything he could. He did the

49:08

best that he could. But

49:10

because I have a wide

49:12

breastplate, I didn't know

49:12

this before. No doctor told

49:15

me about this. So implants

49:17

naturally will sit farther apart on

49:20

me because that's how my breast plate is.

49:22

Mhmm. I didn't you know, and the doctor told

49:24

me that like they're gonna you're gonna have

49:26

some rippling in the middle, but they're gonna be closer together. They'll be normal ish.

49:28

And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Just do it. Fix them,

49:30

please. You know? Mhmm. he

49:33

fixes them to the best of his ability. He

49:35

puts, like, what's called an internal bra so they

49:37

don't, like, slide into my armpit because that's where

49:39

my pocket sits. It's, like, farther

49:42

away

49:42

-- Right. -- part.

49:44

He

49:44

puts the internal brine. Everything's cool,

49:46

but, like, now my I

49:49

have you know,

49:50

fucked up scars. This one

49:52

was sewed in too tight. So my nipple,

49:54

like, goes down like that.

49:56

My rippling is just ridicate. I mean, you

49:58

could probably see it. Like, I've

49:59

got rippling. Right? You didn't

50:02

show me

50:02

after. Okay. I no. No. No. No. I

50:04

just you can't show me on YouTube because I

50:07

was pull my tits out. Okay. I mean, you don't talk. I have no problem

50:09

with you pulling your tits out. Just for clarification.

50:11

I just don't wanna get deleted on YouTube.

50:13

That's all. Gotcha. you. But you can

50:15

totally show me

50:16

up. But there's there is rippling in the middle and

50:18

then ripples on the side. I see, like, a little bit. I

50:20

think that's of what you're talking about. Oh, yeah. You

50:22

you could definitely it. you know, and it's

50:24

it's all I see in the comments now. It's like, I'm just

50:27

like, don't I've the biggest mistake

50:29

I ever made in my in in porn

50:31

was getting my boobs done. Nobody

50:33

wanted me to get my boobs done. Everybody

50:35

warned me. All of my girlfriends that I

50:37

had in porn that got

50:38

their boobs done. They told me not to

50:41

do it. And I was like, no. No. No. No. like,

50:43

fuck you fuck you. Like, I gotta I gotta learn

50:45

my own way, you know, and I learned

50:47

my own way. Yeah. I

50:50

can relate I had I had a bad liposuction experience,

50:52

which I'll explain to you later. So

50:55

but yeah. So I've

50:58

been there bad decisions. Mhmm. Yeah.

51:00

Horrible. Plastic Surgery

51:02

Man. I

51:02

know. Yeah. But you

51:05

can also, like, I didn't do my research, really.

51:07

I thought I did. Yeah. I thought I did my

51:10

research. I mean, I did, but I didn't

51:12

do enough. Yeah. No. Well and,

51:14

like, that's the thing too is I have to live with my

51:16

mistakes now. Mhmm. And I have to try

51:18

and just pretend, like, it is it's it is

51:20

what it is. you know, and if you

51:22

don't like it, then don't jerk off to me. I'm

51:24

sorry. Like fuck you. You know?

51:26

Yeah. You might the real one stick around

51:28

and that's cool. Yeah. But I regret

51:30

it. Okay. So stop yelling at

51:33

me. Fuck. I know

51:35

they look like shit. you know.

51:37

So okay. So let's let's move

51:39

on to

51:39

another wonderful happy topic.

51:42

You struggled with drug addiction in the past.

51:45

and you've been very open about that. Can you

51:47

tell us a little bit about that experience?

51:50

Mhmm.

51:51

Yeah. So after the passing

51:53

of

51:53

my mom, I started

51:56

experimenting with

51:59

like, Percocets and Xanax because it was

52:02

literally the only thing that was, like, numbing

52:04

the pain. because, I mean, once again,

52:06

grief makes you do crazy

52:08

shit. Right? And not only did my mom pass

52:10

away, but also we went right into

52:12

COVID quarantine, so I was

52:14

alone. I had

52:16

to

52:16

grieve alone.

52:18

In quarantine, in my home,

52:20

I had some connections to

52:22

get some something to entertain myself.

52:25

I was fucking bored I'm like, it was boredom, it was grief,

52:27

and it was fuck it.

52:29

You

52:29

know? So so many people started

52:32

drinking, like,

52:34

really. Actually, So you know I'm sober and I'm in like a twelve step program. cool.

52:36

so many people that I knew from

52:39

like the program relapsed

52:42

during COVID.

52:42

Yeah, I can see I can completely get it

52:44

because that's how I started. So

52:47

I ended up just

52:49

here and

52:49

there would dabble with, like, I would get the little

52:52

bars like the Xanax bars and I would take, like, a

52:54

quarter here or quarter there

52:56

every other day, like, just whenever I was

52:58

feeling crazy or it and depressed

53:00

or whatever. Like, I would just piece

53:02

off

53:02

of Xanax and just eat it. Mhmm. And

53:04

then I started mixing them and, like,

53:06

taking Xanax with Percocet and finding that

53:09

was fun shit. I'm like, this is cool. I

53:11

like this. And then I started, you know, and

53:13

then, you know, half of a or

53:15

quarter of Xanax turned into

53:17

half of Xanax. And then that half a

53:19

Xanax turned into, you know, a whole fucking

53:22

bar and, like, it just progressed

53:24

over time. Like, over a

53:26

course of some months, you know,

53:28

and then I bought my house,

53:30

and I was so stressed out.

53:32

Like, I did not realize the animal

53:34

that I was taking on when I

53:36

bought my walking house. I was on I'm on, you know, 383 and a half

53:38

acres of land and I have,

53:40

like, gardeners and, like, all this

53:42

shit happened when I first bought it. My water

53:44

heater fuck got fucked up

53:46

and something wrong with the plumbing. Like, it

53:48

was right out of the gate. Like, there was problems. And I

53:50

was just, like, already on drugs,

53:52

but I wasn't, like,

53:54

on drugs a lot

53:54

yet. Mhmm. And then I had a falling

53:56

out with a girlfriend of mine. She

54:00

did

54:00

something

54:02

awful

54:02

and it just disturbed

54:04

me and

54:05

I started using harder. And so

54:07

that's when my I spiraled. I

54:09

spiraled out of drugs are

54:11

out of control on drugs. After that, I was

54:13

sticking them up my ass. I was snorting them.

54:15

I was swallowing them. I can stick

54:18

them up your ass.

54:20

can. like, pills. Mhmm. I assume that it

54:22

that's faster than It is. It

54:24

hits

54:24

quicker. Yeah. You wanna

54:27

wet it I'm not gonna give advice, but

54:30

I suck it up

54:31

my ass. And I was also taking them

54:33

and I was up to, like,

54:35

three to four bars a day. Like, it was

54:37

really bad. Wow. And

54:40

one day, I I guess I was

54:42

blacking out and, like, doing crazy shit. I

54:44

did my very live on only

54:46

fans like fucking

54:48

blacked out and dilated.

54:50

And I had just had an abortion,

54:52

so I was wearing a fucking diaper

54:54

And I was, like, dancing on my only fence shaking my

54:57

diaper ass, blacked out of my mind on

54:59

drugs. Like, it was horrible. It was

55:01

so fucking bad. and

55:04

everyone called me the next day and they're like, dude,

55:06

get your shit together. This

55:08

is not okay. I'm assuming you

55:10

deleted

55:10

that off of your iPads. I

55:13

mean, at least I will say, like, at least that's on a

55:15

platform where, technically, you can't download content.

55:18

Yeah. So to be honest, people screen record

55:20

shit, but

55:22

still and then you have control over it. So it can't wait. Yeah.

55:24

So It was it

55:25

was totally fine. It was it was I

55:27

live with my mistakes. I'm not perfect, and it

55:29

is what it is. But I

55:33

I remember one day

55:34

my

55:35

my best friend came over and she

55:37

was like, listen, because she's in the twelve

55:39

step program. She's Five five or six years clean and

55:41

sober now. Mhmm. So she's a sponsor. She's

55:44

amazing. She's fucking

55:46

kills it.

55:47

She came over

55:49

and she's like, listen. It's time. Like,

55:50

you are blacking

55:51

out, you're calling people and threatening them,

55:53

like, you're doing crazy shit, like,

55:55

you're you're fuck. like, it's time to

55:58

and I'm like, okay, fine. You know, I finally hit a point where I was like,

55:59

okay. I agree. You

56:02

know? And so I stopped

56:04

taking them. And didn't

56:06

taper off of them properly, which

56:08

was really bad. I thought that I thought that if

56:10

I didn't know you did this shit takes, like,

56:13

weeks. to, like, when it comes to, like,

56:15

opioids, you have to yeah.

56:18

Fortunately, I mean, I don't get me wrong. I've taken

56:20

my share of Percocet

56:22

and and fucking Xanax and all that shit. But I never

56:24

took, like, so much of it because

56:26

alcohol was always my thing. I would take, like,

56:28

like, a little bit with alcohol when I had it

56:30

available. Yeah.

56:32

But, yeah, I'm just from my experience in rehab

56:34

a couple times. I can tell you that

56:36

kicking that is is really rough.

56:39

didn't That

56:40

was the first time I ever, like,

56:42

got flipped on drugs like that. You know?

56:44

So I I didn't know. She told

56:46

me she's like, you have to tape her and

56:48

these are gonna be your withdrawal symptoms and whatever. And

56:50

I remember the first day.

56:52

So what I consider tapering off

56:54

was just give it three days. I

56:57

was like, I'm gonna go from three bars

57:00

to, you know, one bar

57:02

at night and then one bar in the

57:04

morning to

57:04

half a

57:05

bar at night, half a bar in the morning

57:07

to a quarter at night, and then a quarter in

57:09

the morning, and then just I feel like I'll be done

57:11

in, like, three days. I'll be done in, like, three days, and it's

57:13

gonna be chill. you know, and so I ended up

57:15

no. No. No. No.

57:16

That was that was not the that's not how

57:18

to do that at all. So I remember the

57:22

first day of tapering

57:22

off. She came over and she was, you

57:25

know, like, she checked on me and she's, like, how you

57:27

doing? Blah blah blah. And, like, I started going crazy.

57:29

I wouldn't do a drug psychosis. I

57:32

was having hallucinations. I was starting to have, like, drug

57:34

dreams. I remember I woke up from

57:37

a dream.

57:37

Really fucked up dream. It was

57:39

so vivid and fucked

57:41

up. And I remember waking up and opening

57:43

my eyes and there was like a drone.

57:45

It was literally like a drone disguised

57:48

as like an it almost looked like R2D

57:50

two's like,

57:51

head. It was, like, blinking red

57:53

and white or red and blue, and it was, like,

57:55

had, like, a white dome. And I, like,

57:57

opened my eyes and I swear my cat

57:59

saw

57:59

it too. My cat the time was, like,

58:02

sitting there, like, flicking her tail and staring at it.

58:04

So I fucking lost it. I literally

58:06

threw the blanket over my head. I was, like, no,

58:08

it's not real. Like, I'm it's like,

58:10

I freaked out And I've

58:11

tried to fall back and sleep and then the next day was even more excruciating. It was like the

58:13

tremor started kicking in, the

58:16

sweating, the

58:19

the

58:19

intrusive thoughts, the hallucinations.

58:21

I was hearing shit in the walls, whispers, and

58:23

the ceiling fans. Like, I was going completely

58:26

fucking

58:27

crazy. And after by the third

58:30

day, I I was

58:31

gone, like I was done. I couldn't I couldn't

58:33

do it anymore.

58:36

It was agony. It was literal physical,

58:38

emotional, and spiritual agony.

58:40

Like, I could not bear it for

58:42

another second

58:44

longer. Mhmm. And

58:44

I remember my brother came and stayed with me that night because I could not

58:47

be alone. I was seeing shit. I was hearing shit.

58:49

I was going fucking nuts. and

58:52

I looked it up and it just says, like, you gotta just tough through it, just get

58:54

through it, get through it, and I'm like fucking

58:57

going crazy. Right? So

58:59

my brother sleeps over and he sleeps at the end of

59:01

my bed on the floor, like on the floor

59:03

in my room, and

59:04

I didn't sleep all night. And it's,

59:06

like, all night, I stayed up all night, like, doing the shit in bed. Like, looking

59:09

at the walls, like, looking at the ceiling

59:11

fan, like, the walls were talking to me.

59:13

I was just fucked up. And

59:15

by four o'clock in the morning, I still hadn't slept. I'd

59:18

been doing this. Like, all night tremors.

59:20

Like, I was, like, twitching. Like, I couldn't

59:22

breathe my stomach. It

59:24

felt like, someone had a fist around my stomach and was,

59:26

like, pulling it out of my belly button. It

59:28

was horrible. I had diarrhea.

59:30

Like, it was fucked

59:32

up. Yeah. by the

59:33

time four four thirty in the morning hit,

59:35

I call up my dad and left him

59:37

a voice mail because he didn't

59:39

answer you sleeping. And I'm just balling my eyes. I'm like, you need to take me

59:41

to rehab. I can't do this. Like, I need help. Like, please,

59:44

like, call me as soon as you can.

59:46

It's like a medical

59:47

detox. It was horrible. Yeah.

59:49

My dad is calling me back within, like, a

59:51

matter of minutes and

59:54

he said, okay, let's

59:57

let's call you know, call the the same doctor that detox my mom

59:59

when she

59:59

had cirrhosis. And

1:00:02

I

1:00:02

called him up, thank god he answered, thank

1:00:04

god he's a freaking early riser

1:00:07

because I was I couldn't take another forty

1:00:09

five seconds of this shit. And

1:00:11

he ends up sending

1:00:14

his nursing crew, like, up to

1:00:16

my house, within by, like, eleven AM that

1:00:18

day. And they

1:00:20

the same nurse that detox my mom,

1:00:22

she saw me and she just and,

1:00:25

like, down balling her eyes out. She was just,

1:00:28

like, devastated. And it started obviously,

1:00:30

I'm, like, so fucked up with my withdrawal

1:00:33

don't do this right now, please.

1:00:35

Oh my gosh. Like, we started crying my

1:00:37

dad. Just like, can you guys fucking pull

1:00:39

it together? Like, let's

1:00:40

get this shit done. Like, she's fucking

1:00:42

cries. you know,

1:00:43

so we take me into

1:00:45

the room.

1:00:46

We start the detox. I did an NAD, like

1:00:48

a fifteen day NAD detox. And

1:00:50

the moment like, I mean, within the the first

1:00:53

I swear

1:00:54

forty five seconds of this

1:00:55

shit hitting my

1:00:58

system, I like,

1:01:00

I

1:01:00

could

1:01:00

breathe. Like, my my

1:01:03

my voice,

1:01:03

like, stopped cracking. Like,

1:01:06

I could I just felt so calm. I felt so good. It was already

1:01:08

starting to, like, you know, my tremors went away.

1:01:10

Like, everything

1:01:12

went to happy

1:01:14

medium. And she put a little bit of out of van on my drip to, like,

1:01:16

taper me off and it was, oh my god, I felt

1:01:18

amazing. Mhmm. I haven't felt that kind

1:01:21

of relief and forever.

1:01:22

You know, I felt like it was like a decade I was feeling like this. And

1:01:25

then I, like, took

1:01:26

a nap. I remember just like taking a

1:01:28

nap and I closed my eyes and she

1:01:32

gave me some crackers because I had to take my meds. She gave me I had, like,

1:01:34

a a row of meds, like -- Mhmm.

1:01:36

-- of just random shit, Galva

1:01:37

Penton, you name

1:01:40

it everything. and she gave me some crackers because I hadn't eaten in, like, I think

1:01:42

something crazy, like, six days or something. Like,

1:01:44

I was not eating, like,

1:01:46

I had to have something in

1:01:48

my stomach. And

1:01:49

she ends up I end up just falling

1:01:52

asleep. I don't remember, like, when I fell

1:01:54

asleep, but I just

1:01:54

remember, like, falling asleep. And this is probably,

1:01:56

like, two, three minutes into

1:01:59

the detox. And

1:02:00

I wake up from my nap and

1:02:02

they're sitting on the edge of the bed and they're talking

1:02:04

about seizure, the seizure. You know, like, they're they're, like, talking about

1:02:06

some seizure. I'm, like, what seizure? Who had a seizure?

1:02:08

My dad was, like, honey, you had a seizure.

1:02:11

And I was, like, what?

1:02:12

why And

1:02:14

he was like, yeah, you fucking

1:02:16

you I thought we thought you were gonna die. Like,

1:02:18

we literally thought you were dead. Yeah.

1:02:21

and the nurse didn't know what to do. She wasn't equipped.

1:02:23

She had never dealt with something like this

1:02:26

before and my dad didn't

1:02:28

know what do. He's, like, the hands of my daughter's life this

1:02:30

woman's hands who's fucking losing it

1:02:32

right now. Like, he she literally was, like,

1:02:34

on the phone with

1:02:36

the ambulance. She's like, we lost

1:02:38

her. She's gone. She's gone. Like, help me come

1:02:40

quick. Like, my my face went

1:02:42

black. Like, blue. Like, I was

1:02:44

my pulse was gone. Like, my body went cold. Like,

1:02:46

it was fucking done. And I guess I had a full blown

1:02:48

grandma seizure, the shock to my system,

1:02:50

from the detox, and from the withdrawals. Like,

1:02:52

it was just too much. My body,

1:02:55

like, lost it. but I felt fine. I woke up and I'm

1:02:57

Your guys are fucking tripping. Like, what are you talking about? I just

1:03:00

had a nap. I just sent me a little nappy nap.

1:03:02

What do you

1:03:04

mean? Like, everything's cool, but

1:03:06

my dad was, like, going taking me on this,

1:03:08

like, emotional journey that he just went

1:03:10

through. Yeah. How he literally thought my his

1:03:12

daughter was gonna die and, like, all this crazy

1:03:14

shit and think on him, okay.

1:03:16

Everything's cold, but, like, that

1:03:18

was the beginning to my

1:03:22

surprise. Not sobriety, but I've been clean off drugs. Yeah.

1:03:25

Two

1:03:25

the years

1:03:27

now? Almost years. So

1:03:29

what was that?

1:03:30

He was like, yeah, it's twenty twenty,

1:03:31

so I'm almost two years now.

1:03:33

Congratulations. Thank you. I still drink. I'm

1:03:35

not perfect. I like to I'm not

1:03:37

an alcoholic though. I'm

1:03:39

drug addict. So it's it's

1:03:41

different for everybody. It's like, you know,

1:03:44

whatever whatever your thing is.

1:03:46

Only you know -- Mhmm. -- what you can

1:03:48

handle and what

1:03:48

you can't. Exactly. So it was

1:03:51

it was very interesting. And

1:03:53

then

1:03:53

my girlfriend started taking me to AA

1:03:56

and it just wasn't for me -- Mhmm. -- but

1:03:58

it helped it helped me

1:03:59

to take the right steps

1:04:02

into the

1:04:02

right direction of, like, not

1:04:06

you know,

1:04:06

staying away from drugs and I felt very held in that moment because

1:04:08

I felt like I had community and support

1:04:10

and -- Mhmm. -- I was kinda going

1:04:12

through my own shit with it,

1:04:15

you know. And so it was very nice

1:04:17

in that moment to, like, be understood. Mhmm. But I

1:04:19

just I just didn't go through,

1:04:21

finish my stuff. and stuff, I was just

1:04:23

like, this isn't for me. I'm I'm okay. I'm very

1:04:26

comfortable with what I'm doing. So Right.

1:04:28

Right. Yeah. I mean, that's that's

1:04:30

all it matters. As long as you feel good,

1:04:32

Yeah. So so let's

1:04:35

talk about your mother

1:04:37

because she's come up so

1:04:39

many times. I've seen the posts that

1:04:42

you have made about

1:04:44

her, you know, on social media about losing

1:04:46

her. And I'm always, like, so

1:04:48

incredibly moved and touched by that

1:04:50

for two reasons. You know, first of all, you said

1:04:52

she's not. She was an alcoholic -- Mhmm. -- which

1:04:54

which I am. I've recovered alcoholic

1:04:56

or recovering this. I wanna say, sure. something

1:04:58

I struggled with my entire life. So, like, that very much hits home for me. Mhmm.

1:05:00

And then just, like, I have, like, kind

1:05:02

of a complex relationship with my

1:05:04

mother -- Mhmm. -- who, like, sometimes

1:05:07

I wanna kill her. Mhmm.

1:05:09

And then other times, I'm just, like,

1:05:11

you

1:05:11

know, the thought of, like, losing her is

1:05:14

just, like, very

1:05:14

painful for me. So -- Mhmm. -- so me tell me

1:05:17

about your mom. So

1:05:18

we'll start

1:05:21

from the beginning. kinda break it

1:05:23

down. So my mom, when I was a little girl, she was my

1:05:25

best fucking

1:05:26

friend. She was literally

1:05:28

like barbie. was

1:05:30

my favorite toy. Like, I loved her so

1:05:32

much. Like, I wanted to grow up and be just like

1:05:34

her. Like, she was the most beautiful thing

1:05:36

I've ever seen in my entire life.

1:05:39

I remember, like, when she's picking up

1:05:41

from school and her convertible and her hair's

1:05:43

in a high pony and she's just so

1:05:45

hot and young and happy and,

1:05:47

like, life hadn't eaten her alive yet. You know, she was

1:05:50

that's how I like to remember her when she

1:05:52

was doing her mascara in the car

1:05:54

and listening to third eye blind and she

1:05:56

was just happy, you

1:05:58

know. And

1:06:00

so when I was a kid, that's how I always

1:06:02

attached myself to her. It was just this

1:06:04

beautiful, happy,

1:06:06

vibrant, amazing human being

1:06:07

who just loves my brother and

1:06:09

I endlessly in, like, anytime she could

1:06:11

have like twenty dollars in

1:06:13

her bank account. and she would

1:06:16

spend fifteen of it buying us some

1:06:18

toys and whatever we need. If we wanted that

1:06:20

stupid toy at the shelf, she would get it.

1:06:22

Mhmm. And she would starve

1:06:24

herself to make sure that we were fed. Like, she was very just

1:06:27

just amazing. She was

1:06:29

an amazing mom. And she would play

1:06:30

with

1:06:31

us, laugh with us, huddle

1:06:33

with us. Like, that's why, like, the

1:06:35

dynamic between her relationship with me and

1:06:37

my relationship with my dad was so different because

1:06:39

my dad's a little more,

1:06:41

like, like,

1:06:42

militant

1:06:42

and structured and, like,

1:06:45

he wants things to be by a

1:06:47

certain book and, like,

1:06:49

he did his very best, and I love

1:06:51

him so much. Like, I love them both in their

1:06:53

own way. Mhmm. But when I was a little girl,

1:06:55

my mom was, like, my soul mate.

1:06:58

Mhmm. You know? And

1:07:00

so

1:07:02

as time progressed, you know,

1:07:04

my mom, after she divorced my dad,

1:07:06

she spent some time being with anybody

1:07:08

and she took care of my brother and I. It was just the three of us

1:07:10

and everything was cool. We lived in our crappy apartment

1:07:12

and, you know, we eat eggs for dinner

1:07:14

and, like, we were kind of broke, but

1:07:17

it was it was fun because we had each other and, like,

1:07:19

that's how I, like, always remembered her.

1:07:22

And so she ends

1:07:22

up getting remarried to the

1:07:25

sky. married for about

1:07:26

three years when I was in third

1:07:28

grade. That's when they got remarried and

1:07:30

I spent fourth grade and fifth

1:07:33

grade. living with

1:07:34

my stepdad and my new step siblings,

1:07:36

and that was cool. And, like, we had

1:07:38

a lavish lifestyle, lived in a big beautiful home, and

1:07:40

we thought that this was gonna be our new

1:07:43

life. And when

1:07:44

I was in fourth

1:07:45

grade, my mom's mom passes

1:07:48

away from cancer completely

1:07:50

destroyed

1:07:50

her. It destroyed

1:07:52

her. but it didn't break her

1:07:54

down really yet. And then

1:07:56

a year later, her dad

1:07:58

gets

1:07:58

diagnosed with

1:07:59

cancer. And then during that

1:08:02

same month, her

1:08:03

husband decides that he wants to

1:08:05

divorce her and

1:08:06

file for divorce. So my mom was

1:08:08

just like, nope. I'm done. fuck

1:08:10

everything.

1:08:10

Fuck life. Fuck my kids. Fuck everything. Like, I'm

1:08:12

done. I can't, you know, and I I feel for

1:08:14

her. If I was in that position, I

1:08:18

couldn't

1:08:18

even imagine how I would react. You know, but as a child, I didn't understand.

1:08:20

I didn't understand the magnitude

1:08:22

of her pain. I was just

1:08:26

like she's being selfish, she's not taking care of my brother and I,

1:08:28

you know, so we hands up we end up

1:08:30

moving out and she gets alimony and

1:08:34

they file they they get the

1:08:35

divorce, and my mom ends up taking her bringing

1:08:37

her dad down to die in her house

1:08:39

from Arizona. And

1:08:41

it was

1:08:43

horrible. I mean, she

1:08:45

became a raging, and I

1:08:47

mean, a raging fucking

1:08:50

alcoholic during that time. consumed

1:08:52

her irreparably -- Mhmm. --

1:08:54

completely. And once again, as a child,

1:08:56

I didn't understand. Like, I just I didn't know

1:08:58

what to say. I didn't know what to

1:09:02

comfort her. I just looked at it like my

1:09:04

mom is I'm losing my mom. You know, she's gone. What do I do? Like, how

1:09:06

do I bring her back? And I thought maybe this was just a phase

1:09:11

and it wasn't it wasn't a phase. She was literally this

1:09:13

was gonna be her undoing. And

1:09:15

she ends up fucking

1:09:18

dating out of all the revolving door of men that

1:09:21

were going in and out that year, like when

1:09:23

I was in sixth grade, all these men that

1:09:25

were coming in and out of my mom's

1:09:27

lives. I mean, she was fucking around with

1:09:29

all these disgusting guys going to the bars. Like, I missed a ton of school. It

1:09:31

was a really rough year. she

1:09:35

sticks with this one guy who's the

1:09:38

fucking

1:09:38

most disgusting thing

1:09:40

I've

1:09:41

ever seen or met in my

1:09:43

entire life ends up being her

1:09:45

husband, she ends up marrying the fucking

1:09:48

guy, and we end up moving into a shitty situation. And

1:09:50

I had to, like, kinda grow up in this shitty

1:09:52

situation. you

1:09:55

know, and I was exposed and subjected to

1:09:57

a lot of just dark shit.

1:09:59

My mom

1:09:59

never stopped drinking. She

1:10:02

kept drinking harder. He encouraged it.

1:10:04

he didn't care, like, what happened to

1:10:06

my brother and I. Like, it was very, like, tumultuous and volatile and

1:10:08

nasty and, like,

1:10:11

grimy I I clinged to my dad, started

1:10:13

clinged to my dad a lot more, like, through middle school and high school

1:10:15

because but

1:10:18

but it was devastating. for

1:10:20

me because my mom was always that princess, that beautiful person, that

1:10:22

person that I looked up to, and I'm like, you're amazing. You're my soul mate.

1:10:25

I love you. Like,

1:10:27

come back to me. but she never

1:10:29

did. She just kept going darker and darker and more and

1:10:31

more spiraled out of control. And so

1:10:33

and so I kinda had to

1:10:35

start distancing myself and and rejecting

1:10:38

her whatever love she had

1:10:40

left for me. It was

1:10:42

really hard because I didn't I

1:10:44

couldn't keep torturing myself like this. I'm like,

1:10:46

my mom's not coming back. She's done. And so

1:10:48

I started being nasty

1:10:49

to her, mean

1:10:51

to her like fuck

1:10:54

her. You know, look what she's done to me. Like, look what

1:10:56

she's done to my brother and I, like,

1:10:58

I hated her for so long. And

1:11:00

the and You know,

1:11:02

I spent the rest of my time with her

1:11:05

fucking hating her and treating her

1:11:07

like royal dog shit. Anytime she

1:11:09

was drunk, which was all the

1:11:11

time she would you know, try to love me and

1:11:13

hold me and I would always have to, like, get the fuck off of me. You're disgusting.

1:11:15

You know? How old

1:11:18

are you at this time? high school. So, I mean, you're already going

1:11:20

through that stage too that -- Yeah.

1:11:22

-- like, you yeah. Unfortunately, everyone

1:11:24

goes to that stage like in high

1:11:26

school where they kind of, like, hate

1:11:29

their parents sorta anyways -- Yep. -- because, like, you're establishing your

1:11:31

independence and there's that whole, like, weird stage. And so in

1:11:33

addition to that, you

1:11:35

have your mom drinking and

1:11:38

behaving in a way which is more horrible and modifying anyway.

1:11:41

morning and more frank

1:11:42

So that's like But it was

1:11:45

just also the fucking husband that she was with. I mean, he was just

1:11:47

fucking I don't mean, that's a whole another episode, but

1:11:49

he it was

1:11:52

just awful. And

1:11:54

by the time I graduated high

1:11:56

school, my mom's

1:11:58

in my relationship was already,

1:12:00

you know, it

1:12:01

was already, like, kind of buried. It

1:12:03

wasn't there wasn't much left. I loved my mom. Loved her. Still loved her

1:12:07

very much, but It's like she was just

1:12:09

too toxic for me. Mhmm. You know? And I kept thinking, nope. This she's gonna change.

1:12:11

Something's gonna

1:12:12

happen. She's gonna

1:12:15

have a breaking point. I'm just

1:12:17

gonna keep my distance. I'm gonna keep torturing her. You

1:12:19

know, like telling her to fuck off and come talk to me when

1:12:21

you're done drinking and being a piece

1:12:23

of shit. You know?

1:12:25

you know and

1:12:26

low and behold without even

1:12:29

knowing it, like, I was wasting

1:12:31

the only years that I had

1:12:33

left with

1:12:34

my mom. Mhmm. You know? And

1:12:36

I

1:12:36

by the time I was twenty five years

1:12:38

old, she dies. And I didn't get to last time I

1:12:41

last things that I said to her was

1:12:43

your fucking joke, and I I

1:12:46

fucking hate you.

1:12:48

Literally, verbatim, you're

1:12:48

a fucking joke. I fucking hate you. Go

1:12:51

fuck yourself. Like, it was the

1:12:53

last things that I said to her,

1:12:55

and I can never take that back. I can never

1:12:57

write that wrong. I can never

1:12:59

she died with

1:13:01

that in her heart. I'm sure she

1:13:03

it's I'm sure it's not that's not the case. I

1:13:04

know she knows that I love her, and I know

1:13:06

she knows and I'm I make I make living

1:13:10

amends to my mom every day. Now, like, that's how I bond

1:13:12

with her. That's how I live out the

1:13:14

rest of my lives and my life without

1:13:16

her here with me is I

1:13:18

make a living amends to her.

1:13:20

I never treating another person the

1:13:23

way that I treated her ever again. Like, someone's disposable, like, someone is,

1:13:27

you know, if

1:13:28

someone is just a monster and they're not

1:13:30

just going through something, I took her completely for granted. And it

1:13:34

the it destroyed me. It was the worst

1:13:36

pain I ever felt in my

1:13:38

fucking life. I don't know you don't

1:13:41

know pain until you lose your mom or

1:13:43

your dad. It's it's awful I

1:13:45

can't even imagine losing my dad. But, like, my mom that was horrible because it was I

1:13:48

can never i

1:13:51

can ever I

1:13:52

I can't I couldn't I couldn't take

1:13:54

that back. I have to live with that guilt. I have to live with that regret, you know, and it's you

1:13:57

know, and I

1:13:59

I

1:13:59

don't know.

1:14:00

It's it

1:14:02

is it is hard. It is hard. It's

1:14:03

still hard every day, but, like, I have made so much peace with

1:14:05

it because she was such

1:14:07

a tormented soul She

1:14:11

was so so

1:14:11

miserable and so tormented and

1:14:14

so sad and so

1:14:16

lost. She wasn't

1:14:18

serving herself anymore. She wasn't serving anybody, not herself, not her

1:14:20

family, not her kids. She's not that

1:14:22

she deserved to die, but

1:14:23

she's really better off

1:14:25

where she's at. She's happy

1:14:28

now. She's at peace. She doesn't

1:14:30

have to be in pain anymore. And that's fucking awesome.

1:14:32

I'm happy for her.

1:14:34

I really am. And like, I

1:14:37

I think about that all the time.

1:14:39

I'm like, if you were still here right

1:14:41

now, like, you would

1:14:42

be pissing everybody off. Yeah. You know? So

1:14:46

I'm so

1:14:46

happy for you. Yeah. But

1:14:48

it

1:14:49

fucking killed me. It from months,

1:14:51

as you imagine, it was it

1:14:53

was awful. You know, regardless of

1:14:55

how her and my relationship was, that does not mean that the the

1:14:57

sadness goes out the fucking door. Yeah.

1:14:59

Does not mean

1:15:01

that I don't still love her. you know? And like I had people telling me that

1:15:04

they're like, yeah. Well, your relationship with your mom

1:15:06

wasn't that good anyway. So why are you even

1:15:08

sad? And

1:15:10

I'm like, are you fucking

1:15:12

kidding me right now? Like, who

1:15:14

the fuck are you to tell me

1:15:17

how to grieve over my mom

1:15:19

regardless of what we went through. Yeah. You don't know, like, why

1:15:21

our relationship was bad and why we're

1:15:23

at this point. Like,

1:15:25

you don't know shit You know? And so

1:15:27

there was nothing that anyone could say. No

1:15:29

right thing. No wrong thing. Like, I just

1:15:31

shut everyone out and did drugs and

1:15:33

was just like, Bye. Yeah.

1:15:36

No. I mean, god, I feel for

1:15:38

you so much because it's the hardest

1:15:40

thing to love an alcoholic. Mhmm.

1:15:42

because the things that we do to ourselves

1:15:44

and the way that we hurt the

1:15:46

people who love us,

1:15:47

sounds like, god.

1:15:48

It's really hard. That's, like, one of

1:15:50

the worst things about being an alcoholic. It's, like, not even I

1:15:53

mean, the way that I hated myself because

1:15:55

the pain that I saw. Like, that

1:15:57

I felt I feel I

1:15:59

bleed

1:15:59

through, wow. I didn't

1:16:02

think I was gonna get this bad. No. No. No. No. But so I just want you to know that

1:16:04

I know that your mom

1:16:06

loved you, and I think that you

1:16:10

should not feel guilty about pulling back the way you

1:16:13

did because it's not fair to

1:16:15

put you through that. You

1:16:17

know what I mean? And, like, that

1:16:19

is to have to watch your mom, like, slowly kill herself

1:16:21

like that. That is fucking horrible.

1:16:24

And

1:16:26

and you're not responsible. It's not your responsibility

1:16:28

to, like,

1:16:28

stick around and, like, we're

1:16:31

only human. Right? I mean for

1:16:33

you to be constantly, like, loving

1:16:35

and forgiving and, like, understand that she's

1:16:37

just going through something because it's like it's so

1:16:39

hard to understand, like, even when I was like in the

1:16:41

depths of my alcoholism, I was like, why

1:16:43

am I doing this myself.

1:16:46

Mhmm. Like, I remember

1:16:48

so often I would, like, make

1:16:49

myself so sick and I would, like,

1:16:51

throw up in

1:16:52

the toilet. Mhmm. and I'd be, like,

1:16:54

sitting there and I'd flush the toilet and

1:16:57

I'd feel, like, as I'm watching, like, my

1:16:59

vomit go down on the toilet, like, that's

1:17:01

my life. right now. And I know this

1:17:03

and I'm who love me and

1:17:05

like, my family didn't know

1:17:07

what to do. they'd

1:17:11

never, like, no one in my

1:17:11

family's ever gotten sober. You know, there's no recovery in

1:17:14

my family at all, and I have a lot of

1:17:16

alcohol. It's especially on my dad's side.

1:17:18

Mhmm. And they just

1:17:19

didn't know what to do. And and

1:17:21

I had no reason to be an alcoholic. Like, your mom went

1:17:23

through a lot of stuff, you know. She had

1:17:25

a lot of pain,

1:17:27

and I can And in some sense,

1:17:29

it feels like that makes more sense. But for me, I had like this wonderful gifted life. I had

1:17:31

like people who loved me. I had like

1:17:34

all of these things and I still

1:17:36

like chose

1:17:37

to, like -- Yeah. -- do, you know, just to I mean, I was, you know, I was at

1:17:39

a state where I was

1:17:42

drunk all the time. I

1:17:45

was drunk in the morning. I started

1:17:47

drinking in the morning, and I drank twenty four fucking seven. Mhmm. And had the shakes, and

1:17:49

I my liver was

1:17:52

swollen, like, I

1:17:55

was in bad bad shape.

1:17:57

Mhmm.

1:17:57

So and

1:17:59

so I just I

1:18:02

don't

1:18:02

know. It's the worst part is the thing, is the pain that we put other people through. And

1:18:05

I hope that you

1:18:07

don't feel like you

1:18:11

did anything bad by feeling

1:18:12

the way that you did. You know what

1:18:14

I mean? Because, like, how how

1:18:15

could you be any

1:18:18

other way and you were

1:18:20

young? you know, and to to it's

1:18:22

just like It's so hard. It's I I don't. Like I like I said, I

1:18:25

have made so much

1:18:27

peace with it.

1:18:29

beyond, like,

1:18:29

the amount of spiritual growth that I have gone through

1:18:32

and the amount of digging that

1:18:34

I had to do and the amount

1:18:36

of

1:18:39

therapy I had to go through to get to this point where, like, I

1:18:41

could talk about it and be, like, it's okay.

1:18:43

Like, I'm okay. You

1:18:46

know? Like, I don't I don't, like, freak out

1:18:48

and break down and cry about it anymore

1:18:50

because, like, it's it broke me

1:18:52

so

1:18:54

hard that I don't have

1:18:55

anything left in me to give. Yeah. I

1:18:58

I broke it already. I broke myself

1:19:00

enough, you know.

1:19:02

Now it's now

1:19:04

I'm I'm

1:19:04

grateful for the relationship that I get to have

1:19:06

with her now -- Mhmm. -- because she's not she's

1:19:09

she lives in

1:19:12

my heart she lives in my spirit, she

1:19:14

lives in everything that is me, and she always sends me little signs, she sends me songs, she

1:19:16

turns

1:19:19

on my there's all kinds of weird shit that I've I like to connect myself

1:19:21

to her too, knowing that she's still here. She

1:19:23

visits me in my dreams. Like, there's

1:19:25

so many things that I

1:19:27

get to speak experience for her and knowing that she's

1:19:29

still here with me, and we get to bond, and we get to smell love each other. We don't have we're

1:19:32

not biting,

1:19:35

we're not She's not drinking in front of me. She's

1:19:37

not doing anything that's pissing me off. I just get to love her now. Yeah. I get to live

1:19:40

with so much

1:19:42

love for my mom and that

1:19:44

is something I've never experienced before. So it's a blessing.

1:19:47

Like, I'm happy

1:19:47

for that. I'm grateful for

1:19:50

that because I would have probably not be doing that right now if she still here.

1:19:52

Yeah. I would be, like, in the

1:19:54

fuck you stage still. Yeah. You know?

1:19:59

Just not learning and not

1:19:59

I

1:19:59

learned so much from her death. I

1:20:02

really did. I learned so much about

1:20:04

people and and

1:20:07

and addiction and people's minds and, like, healing and

1:20:09

growing. I learned a lot. I really did. Yeah. And so

1:20:12

it's it's it

1:20:14

really is okay. Like,

1:20:16

And how amazing too just

1:20:19

in comparison that you were able to come out of this and have that perspective and have that

1:20:22

personal and spiritual growth

1:20:24

from such a

1:20:26

tragedy where you look at, like, how your mom got into where she was because

1:20:28

of, like, being surrounded by

1:20:30

a lot of death. And

1:20:33

So it's

1:20:35

just like -- Yeah. -- it's

1:20:37

amazing that you were able to go

1:20:39

the other way and in, like,

1:20:40

a weird way. I mean, that's, like,

1:20:43

the gift your mom gave

1:20:43

you with her death, you know? That she

1:20:46

didn't get to she didn't get to experience.

1:20:48

Yeah. You know, she

1:20:50

she let it break her. Yeah. Life really

1:20:52

fucking ripped her apart. It really did. I mean, she's

1:20:55

beyond her parents dying, going through divorce, like,

1:20:57

all within the same, like,

1:20:59

two years. Yeah. I mean, she was

1:21:01

raped a couple of times. Like, she's been abused. She's been fucked up with life.

1:21:03

Life literally put her

1:21:07

in its mouth. chewed her up and then

1:21:09

shit her out and flush her into a sewage line. Like, she really did

1:21:11

not you know,

1:21:14

she had it rough and -- Yeah. -- that I I think that to

1:21:16

touch on what you said, thank

1:21:18

you for recognizing that because that is

1:21:20

something that I am really proud of is

1:21:22

that I did not let it consume

1:21:25

me

1:21:25

the way that it consumed her because I very well could have.

1:21:27

I have depression. I have suicidal depression. I go fucking crazy.

1:21:30

I have in the

1:21:32

past. you know,

1:21:34

and so that almost took me the way that it took her. Mhmm. But

1:21:39

something something

1:21:41

is on

1:21:42

my side to where maybe it was her that was like, nope. Gotta go through this, but

1:21:44

you're not gonna let

1:21:47

this fucking kill you. you're

1:21:49

gonna be stronger than me. You're gonna be better

1:21:51

than me. You know? And and but that was cool. It was,

1:21:54

like, I looked at it as a cool experience, a learning experience, and

1:21:56

I'm I'll

1:21:58

never

1:21:58

I don't regret it,

1:21:59

you know. I don't regret what I went

1:22:02

through, and I don't regret I don't regret

1:22:04

You know? And I I maybe I had

1:22:06

to go through with with my mom what I went through in order

1:22:08

to learn how to really, truly

1:22:10

love and respect people -- Yeah.

1:22:13

-- you know, and take people not don't

1:22:15

take people for granted, you know, and

1:22:17

and and take it one

1:22:19

day at a time. Yeah. And not

1:22:21

try to change anybody, not try to

1:22:23

control anybody. I tried to control and change my mom, my my control

1:22:25

issues were crazy with her. Mhmm. You

1:22:28

know, I spent all this

1:22:30

time fucking trying to change her

1:22:32

and hate on her and whatever

1:22:34

instead of just spending the time that I had with her, but I didn't know. Yeah. You know, I couldn't have known.

1:22:37

yeah you know i couldn't have known sound So

1:22:40

It's okay.

1:22:40

And I mean, really, like, you know, I mean,

1:22:42

you're a part of your mother and your mom lives on through

1:22:44

you. So, like, maybe

1:22:46

there's that

1:22:47

side of her. that

1:22:50

could have survived through all

1:22:52

that and that's like you. It's a piece

1:22:54

of me. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I like

1:22:56

to think that. I mean, I Yeah.

1:22:59

And

1:22:59

like I said, that's part of what I

1:23:01

said about making a living immense to her. Yeah.

1:23:03

You know? And

1:23:05

that's that's cool. I'm excited. excited to

1:23:07

keep doing that. Yes. You know, I

1:23:09

wanna make her proud. Yeah. I wanna

1:23:11

make everybody proud. Well,

1:23:13

that's amazing. Kimmy, you're Thanks

1:23:15

for ruining my makeup,

1:23:18

Kimmy. Thanks a lot.

1:23:20

She looked beautiful. No.

1:23:22

Thank god, Melissa's makeup really stay.

1:23:25

I know. She's the

1:23:26

best. Wow. God, I feel like

1:23:28

I just

1:23:30

wanna talk about Dick's to,

1:23:32

like, clearly Wait. Can we,

1:23:34

like Your

1:23:35

grandmother's underwear. Can we talk

1:23:40

about dicks? Someone breaking me

1:23:42

down. Seriously. Let's talk about dicks. Oh

1:23:43

my god.

1:23:47

I'm so sorry. no. I mean,

1:23:49

it was my decision. I was like, oh, okay. Like, her mom died. She

1:23:51

wants to talk about that. This will be great. We'll, like, get

1:23:53

really, like, into it, and it'll

1:23:54

be really emotional. I just

1:23:58

I guess, I didn't expect. I thought I would, like, get

1:23:59

a couple of tears.

1:24:01

I didn't expect my voice to

1:24:03

break. No. Sorry about

1:24:05

that. Wow. We are we are going on almost an hour

1:24:07

and a half. That's amazing. We're killing it. Yeah. Okay.

1:24:12

Well, let's let's wrap it

1:24:14

up because I still wanna do that bonus q and a Yeah. -- with you I can ask you safe questions. Mhmm.

1:24:16

Like who your

1:24:19

celebrity crush is. color.

1:24:22

Yeah. So my god. Please. Let's

1:24:24

like let's

1:24:25

talk about some really, like, not

1:24:28

important shit. Let's do it. Okay.

1:24:30

So but before we

1:24:32

go there, let's obviously wrap

1:24:33

this one out. Can you tell everybody where

1:24:36

they can find you on social

1:24:38

media? You can find me on social media through

1:24:40

Instagram and Twitter. My Instagram, I

1:24:42

have two pages and my original one,

1:24:44

like my main one

1:24:46

is at stranger than Granger.

1:24:49

And then I have a backup

1:24:51

account, which is at king kimi

1:24:54

Granger. And then my Twitter is

1:24:56

at Kimi Granger, XXXI

1:24:58

think.

1:24:59

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. XXX

1:25:02

xxx

1:25:03

Yeah. Fantastic. And you

1:25:05

guys can find me at holy randal on Instagram

1:25:07

and on Twitter. And of course, if you want to experience me

1:25:11

crying in real you can watch these

1:25:14

interviews live at patreon

1:25:16

dot com slash holy

1:25:18

randal and filtered it and

1:25:20

also access the bonus q and

1:25:22

a. We're gonna do here. Can we thank you so much? This was incredible

1:25:27

interview. I'm very even

1:25:29

though, like, I I'm also

1:25:30

sad. It was amazing and, like, really, really powerful. And and

1:25:33

these are the kinds

1:25:35

of interviews that you

1:25:37

know, for me or, like, the most important because I feel like I walk away

1:25:39

from stuff like this and I, a new appreciation for

1:25:41

my mom and for

1:25:43

life and just new,

1:25:47

like, perspective on on everything. So thank

1:25:49

you for -- Of course. -- thinking me,

1:25:51

like, whoever's person

1:25:52

to.

1:25:53

Fuck. Yes. Of course. Anytime. Yeah.

1:25:55

Thank you. Thank you guys so much for

1:25:58

watching. We will see you next week.

1:25:59

Bye. Where I will

1:26:01

talk about Dick's More. Mordicks. Mordicks.

1:26:04

Mordicks less death. Thank

1:26:06

you so much for

1:26:08

listening. If

1:26:08

you love my show and

1:26:10

wanna support it, I asked that you take the time to rate review my

1:26:12

podcast. Now, if you're not sure how to

1:26:14

do that, you can go to rate

1:26:17

this podcast

1:26:20

com slash HRU and you'll automatically be

1:26:22

direct to the various podcast apps your device supports,

1:26:24

and then be led to the

1:26:26

place where you can rate my show.

1:26:29

Five stars, of course, and leave your glowing review. Okay. It

1:26:31

doesn't have to be glowing, but you know see something nice. You can

1:26:33

also financially support this show

1:26:35

through my Patreon, by

1:26:39

visiting patreon dot com slash holy randal and filtered,

1:26:41

where you get so many perks for

1:26:43

your

1:26:43

support. Things

1:26:44

such as early releases and

1:26:47

live recordings of my interviews, merchandise such as stickers,