I Don't Even Own a Television

A Comedy, Arts and Books podcast featuring and
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Best Episodes of I Don't Even Own a Television

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HOLY SHIT. People like this book. SMART people like this book. The New York Times liked this book. The problem is that this book is a piece of crap that basically functions as a checklist of nostalgia items from the 1980's. Join game designer Mike Sacco and I as we yuk it up over the text of this reference-packed slog through a future world that seems like it was conceptualized in 1985. Highlights include: Aerosmith's "Revolution X" video game, misidentifying this author as the guitarist of Wilco, and probably way too much on-mic laughter. P.S. Did I mention that this book is BAAAAAAD? Cuz it is. Bumper Music: "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey, "Pac-Man Fever" by Buckner & Garcia, and "Before Baywatch" by Donuts N' Glory
Today I'm joined by playwright and fellow music-obsessive Ben Firke and we discuss "Scar Tissue", the autobiography of Red Hot Chili Peppers' Anthony Keidis. We shed some light on our respective pasts with the group, talk about the book, and crack each other up a lot with impressions. This is a good one.
A rip-roaring return to form after a month-and-a-half hiatus. This episode, I'm getting down to business and discussing Ben Stein's finanical thriller "On The Brink" with returning guest Jeb Lund and first-timer Rocky Swift. We dissect the politics and amazingly weird writing of America's favorite Boring Teacher From the Movies, and struggle to understand why anybody would write a 'suspense' novel about creeping inflation. Things even get a little educational. But then we talk about dicks. NOTE: Jeb wanted to apologize for fucking up the OPEC Crisis and Postal Strike chronology during the Nixon Administration. It probably doesn't matter, because Ben Stein has all this stuff happen at once, but you don't need to write in with corrections. He knows he's wrong, and he's sorry. Bumper Music: "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winters, "itzsoweezee" by De La Soul, "The Million Dollar Man Theme" by Jimmy Hart & JJ Maguire
Join myself and noted internet humorist and music critic David Thorpe as we examine the shadowy world of backwards messages hidden inside the darkest metal records of the 70's and 80's, including the collected works of Hall & Oates and The Captain and Tenille. This book was written by a man who is quite possibly mentally ill in a very legitimate sense and details an immense satanic conspiracy throughout the world of rock. It is ostensibly a book about the technique of backmasking; but quickly digresses into chapter after chapter of nonsense, much like this podcast. But please enjoy our in-depth discussions of Lone-Gunmen Glasses, Ron Henley, and why Robin Gibb is the most evil man in rock and roll.
In Motley Crue: The Dirt - Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, a bunch of idiots talk about being dumb except pretend that it's really important. Luckily, Jackson O'Brien is here to join me as we dissect the intricacies of the Motley House, degenerative spinal disease, and (of course) Tommy Lee's penis. This episode is long. That's because talking about Motley Crue is easy and fun. The hardest thing to do, of course, was to find bumper music that wasn't actually by Motley Crue. Please enjoy stories of epic debauchery, in-fighting, and sexxx with three x's. Also enjoy the plosive 'p' and 'b' sounds coming from my microphone cuz I need a windscreen now too. Bumper music: Some kid playing "Kickstart my Heart" from YouTube, Some other kid playing "Dr. Feelgood" from YouTube except singing really weird too, and "Above the Clouds" by Gangstarr
If you ever watched Riverdale and wished that the events of the pilot were explained in greater (?) detail, then you, my friend, are in for a treat in Micol Ostow's The Day Before: A Prequel Novel! Fizzier and frothier than a freshly shaken bottle of Topo Chico, this book lets you spend time with all your favorite Riverdale characters from Archie's gang: Jughead, Veronica, Dilton Doiley ... Archie's dad ... Betty in full Nancy Drew mode ... Also Archie is in this book. Possibly our most digressive episode ever, we go deep (again) on "Steal My Sunshine" but by the end you and Andrea True will BOTH be calling for "More, more, more!" We guarantee it.   Recommendations: Play More Pokémon Be Friends with People in the Party Pit! The Plot Against Common Sense, by Future of the Left Sorry, everybody: Clsn is a dummy and lost his notes while recording: what he had MEANT to recommend was the incredible, and incredibly intense, new Azar Swan record The Hissing of a Paper Crane, which will annihilate you and goes surprisingly well with Riverdale and that is NOT a diss.  He'll talk about this next ep. Music Pairings: "Fourth of July" by Galaxie 500 "Down by the River" by Neil Young and Crazy Horse "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something
Coming at you faster than a stretchy missile off of a young boy's outstretched finger(s), it's Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe's The Rubber Band! What is it? Why, it's a classic mystery of the old school, with armchair detection aplenty, two-fisted shoe-leather gumshoeing (?), gals, dames, dudes, orchids, bankers, and crime cases no cop could ever crack! There's also no shortage of sizeist and sexist horseshit, straight out of the 30s and glued onto the page, so it's not all fun and games. But where else are you going to get a narrator who drinks maybe six glasses of milk and eats a dish of lamb kidneys and green peppers? Probably nowhere. Or anyway, possibly nowhere else. No magnifying glasses needed for this caper, but we warn you: this plot MAY require a flow chart (or two). You need not fear, though, because we promise that we'll be able to hold it all together—with the help of The Rubber Band, anyway!   Recommendations: "Proust's Madeleine, But for People Who Grew Up With a Single Dad" by the great Mara Wilson Alita: Battle Angel American Truck Simulator (game) Music Recs: "Stretchin' Out (In a Rubber Band)" by Bootsy Collins "I Wanna Be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry "Friggin in the Riggin" by Sex Pistols
Just poppin' in your feed with an advertisement for our extremely free live show that is happening, here in San Francisco, in just a matter of days. Tickets are free, but you do need to reserve them in advance. Here's a link: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/betabrand-podcast-theatre-i-dont-even-own-a-television-tickets-59068469382 And for those of you who can't make it, please enjoy this incredibly smooth west coast g-funk beat in the background. Okay, later!
For our milestonest episode yet, big number hundo-fitty, we break significant quantities of new ground by ... first, taking on our first-ever work of urban fantasy, one Something from the Nightside by Simon R. Green! We also waited until Clsn was sick as a dog and incredibly exhausted (Editor's Note: Me too --JWF) and took on a book so deeply unengaging that it had us talking at length about Clsn's new wireless mouse, dongles in general, and more or less everything else under the sun. But that's not important. You know what is important? What's important is that one thing that ISN'T under the sun ... is ... the Nightside. Anyway, happy 150, everybody! We love you! (Seriously, it really is a cool new mouse.) Recommendations: Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts by Kate Racculia "Ted Leo's Life with Rush: Closer to the Heart" by Ted Leo Music Thoughts: "On the Dark Side" by Rush "House of Suffering" by Bad Brains "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates
Cue the music and lift your voices in song with us, because it's the mo-st won-der-ful time ... of the year: it's time to get back on the Guy N. Smith train with an absolute banger entitled Killer Crabs. You know how last time we took on a Smith-crab joint, we thought "Wow, this one has EVERYTHING"? Well, it turns out that that one had a lot less than this one, because this one has everything. Everything is what this one has, at least if by the word "everything" you understand "just a whole LOT of sex and a briefcase-full-of-cash ménage à trois subplot that just screams "late '70s made-for-TV movie" and, of course, extremely invulnerable giant crabs eviscerating humans all over the beach. Is there any defense against this scuttling menace? Have the crabs developed military tactics? Will any of our major characters have enough sex to say "You know what, that's about enough sex I've had right there"? Friends, allies against the crabs, secret lovers, there's only one viable path to an answer, and that path runs straight through the pages of ... Killer Crabs. Up Guy N. Smith, up the Irons, up IDEOTVPod and up the giant crabs!   Recommendations: A Human Algorithm by Flynn Coleman Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay Music: "Shellburn" by The Spinanes "Sideways" by Dinosaur Jr. "Dead Meat on the Beach" by Sonny and the Sunsets
Call shotgun, but only if you've got one, because it's time for IDEOTVPOD to hit the open, post-apocalyptic road with our latest men's adventure trip, D. B. Drumm's Traveler #5: Road War. We're under assault from every angle, with buffets of hot first draft prose, torrents of serious horror violence, and dollops of good politics (amongst sprinkles of bad). So pop the clutch and tell the world to eat your dust, because we're grabbing John Shirley and blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated hot rod with a book that has everything short of the protagonist finding somebody's keys tucked into the sun visor of their vehicle. Come for the seriously fun pulp satire, but STAY for your hosts talking trash about everything under the sun (and mixing in a couple-three impressions that may (or may not) surprise you). ALSO: this episode has the debut of a great new feature that we're sure to remember to do going forward, a moment where we dedicate the episode to somebody! Further reading: long, good interview with John Shirley; incredible resource about pulp fiction.   Recommendations: The Fire Next Time, James Baldwin Meek's Crossing, Kelly Reichardt Schismatrix, Bruce Sterling Music: "Transmaniacon MC" by Blue Oyster Cult "Highway Star" by Deep Purple "A Rose for Emily" by The Zombies
It's time...for us to take on one of the pale male faces surely adorning everyone's Bad Book Rushmore, but for complicated reasons we explain at no little length, we enjoy or anyway endure one of L. Ron Hubbard's lesser-known book-like objects, a...collection of described events entitled Spy Killer. No matter how bad you think this thing is going to be, it's worse than you can easily imagine. It features a main character who actually snaps back at his captor "I'm laughing out loud," because being captured by the spy he is supposed to kill is actually funny to him, he can't believe you thought this would upset him. This 1936 action (?) / adventure (?) is jam-packed with racist descriptions of non-white characters, MANY scenes of our rugged, uh, protagonist, being captured and locked in rooms, and a scene that's supposed to be happy denouement description but that includes the words "brutal kiss". On the plus side, it also includes things we somehow didn't even get to, like "The man was riddled." (Yes, with a full stop. No, not riddled with anything, like every other time you've ever seen the word "riddled".) "Even a decanter couldn't be trusted." Short story shorter: this old Hubbard? It's a real mother.   Recommendations: The Outsider, by Stephen King (NOTE FROM JW: I was very wrong about the lack of supernatural stuff here, it just takes a while to kick in. Don't @ me.) The Mars Room, by Rachel Kushner Music: "One Night in Bangkok" from "Chess" "Scenario" by Tribe Called Quest "The Second Best Secret Agent in the Whole Wide World" by Sammy Davis Jr.
You wanted the best, you got the best, in the form of the trashiest trash novel we have seen yet, Jackie Collins' Hollywood Wives. Hard sex? Check. Sprawling set of (unlikeable) characters? Check. Spaghetti-like plot that's somehow simultaneously insultingly simple and somewhat difficult to keep track of? Check! And then we get to the third chapter and things really pop off. The first book we've read that includes a villain sneering an actual playground taunt ("that's for me to know and you to find out" is an actual line of dialogue in this one, people)+ takes us new places in real sleaze and ushers in a new, tawdry age of the podcast, a leopard-print age, an age where NaNoWriMo-level music references somehow don't keep a novel from selling millions of copies, but, regrettably, also an age where every person is an ethnic stereotype and nobody is at all pleasant to be around. +But, we hope, not the last. We hope you think this one is worth the wait. We sure think it's worth it's weight in gold -- Golden GLOBES that is!   Recommendations: "Cat Person" by Kristen Roupenian "Priest Daddy" by Tricia Lockwood "Magpie Murders" by Anthony Horowitz Music: "Still in Hollywood" by Concrete Blonde "Passion" by Rod Stewart "Los Angeles" by Frank Black
Bit of a change of format this time around, as we bring you our second live event, and our first Bad Book Party! From audience-provided oddities to the long-awaited appearance of probably the most-requested book in the show's history, this is an action- and guest-packed hour or two you won't want to miss. Thanks to everybody who came out, thanks to Casey for helping us surge past a few technical difficulties, thanks to Andrew at Green Apple Books on the Park for getting the event ball rolling, thanks to Green Apple Books on the Park for being gracious, flexible hosts (with super-shouts to Colin), and thanks to all our amazing guests: Eugenia from the Muni Diaries Lauren and Niko from Sunday School Dropouts Lauren Parker Lemon from the F Plus Recommendations: We recommend that you come to our next live show! Music: Various production cues from "Ren & Stimpy"
Ah, the rhythmic clickety-clack of rail travel, the chuggety comforts of trains, the suburban father's hobby! At least that's what we assumed we were going to experience when we took on the recent publishing sensation, Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train. However, what we discovered was a real Rashomon, a real jigsaw puzzle of multiple perspectives and realities, a real, real set of girls, but gone, daddy, real, real gone. Okay, that wasn't true. This was NOT a book about ladies who ought to be described with any hipster talk; that was a misleading lie and we apologize. Anyway, this semi-successful account of man's inhumanity to women and the toxic effects thereof turns out to be good fodder for us to get off track, even if the book is freighted with stuff that got us steamed (as though it had been engineered for us). We conducted ourselves well, we think, and were stoked to take on this boiler. Grab your tickets, keep an eye on your luggage, and enjoy the ride. (Honestly, that's good advice for life, not just for listening to this episode.) All aboard! Recommendations: Lost Signals Seriously anything, Patricia Highsmith Music: "Train in Vain" by The Clash "Jump Around" by House of Pain "Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull "Tootsie Roll" by 69 Boyz
You wanted the best, you've got the best, because we're joined byHow2Wrestling's tremendous Jo Graham to discuss sexy pirate outfits, smart, sad horses, and love quadrangles, because that's what we've got when we've got Anne "Quinoa" Bishop's Daughter of the Blood. Light S&M, sexy vampires, sexier vampires, sexier still demons, and, at the center of it all, a girl who ages from 7 to 12, so it's safe to say that very strong content warnings apply. Recommendations: "re:memeber" -- Ólafur Arnalds Marie Antoinette Do Men Enter Bathtubs on Hands and Knees So Their Balls Hit the Water Last? The Wizard's First Rule, Terry Goodkind Music: "This Corrosion" by The Sisters of Mercy "Ride the Wind" by Poison "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner
With a kind of ... lugubrious inexorability, rough-hewn, thick-thewed hosts J. W. Friedman and C. Collision thrust themselves into the rugged world of John Norman's Gor, where the tawdry pages of Outlaw of Gor await us and our stern attentions. A true legend in the universe of bad books, the Gor series avidly answers the question "what if Edgar Rice Burroughs but with the racist bullshit cranked to eleven and a huge amount of really badly handled bondage and domination fantasies interspersed with heavy, heavy quantities of bad philosophy?" It's basically the perfect book for us, is what we're saying. If only it weren't so plotless and dull... Also! We would like to announce our next live show! We're hosting a Bad Book Party at San Francisco's Green Apple Books on the Park, Saturday, February 11, at 7:30 p.m. It's totally free, is gonna have a bunch of rad guests (Niko from Sunday School Dropouts, Lauren Parker, Lemon from The F Plus -- and that's just the ones we're announcing now!), and is going to be the most fun you can have in the month of February. Saturday, February 11, 7:30 p.m. Green Apple Books on the Park 1231 9th Avenue, SF CA 94122   Recommendations: Ursula le Guin Search Party Music: "Whip It" by Devo "I Can't Dance" by Genesis "Sex Dwarf" by Soft Cell
Helmet, jumpsuit, maybe a catheter: these are the things we needed to hop behind the wheel of Alistair MacLean's The Way to Dusty Death, and it's at the very least possible that they are the things you'll need to have in place before you pop your clutch and try to slip behind the fastest cats on the track (that's us) as they (we) set track records, lap after lap. The big bells are ringing and the tight pants are clinging, because this tale of speedy intrigue on and around the tracks of Formula 1 Grand Prix racing is probably the 70s-est artifact that ever slid through Europe's hotels. A few pit stops may be in order, so that you don't get too tired. Anyway, if you're like Racer X Johnny Racecar Harlow's accelerator, then you're ready for this episode, because you're ready to get ... floored. Recommendations: Moe Bowstern of the Fisher Poets Gathering Watching Columbo The Trauma Floor by Casey Newton, photos by Jessica Chou "Which One of My Garbage Sons Are You?" on Clickhole Music: "Jesus Built My Hotrod" by Ministry "Racer-X" by Big Black
We're not trapped in a maze with you, Who Moved My Cheese?—you're trapped in here with us! After some more or less satisfying mysteries, we're returning to the self-help / motivational genre, with 1998's mystifyingly world-conquering clip art for the soul extravaganza, supposedly based on a story previously immensely successful business-book writer Spencer Johnson used to tell people. The story? Sort of a blend of Hellraiser and I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, in which limited beings of uncertain creation are subjected to torment and deprivation at unknown hands. It's horrifying, for sure. It also gets a little hairy—and maybe even...a little bit...cheesy. Bait the trap and bate your breath, because it's time to learn how to win the rat race. As an Extra Special Bonus In Celebration of Summer, we have a brand-new theme song, as demanded by our many, many fans who are also huge fans of Mungo Jerry. So hoot on that jug with the ONLY podcast that loves you, and you'll never get cheesed off. Recommendations: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, book and movie "'It Feels Like a Derangement': Menopause, Depression, & Me", by Rose George Music: "Protect Ya Neck" by Wu-Tang Clan "Mice Race" by Rudimentary Peni "Cats, Mice" by Big Business
What is the sound of a skull batting again and again at the hardest wall any coconut failed to crack? Why, it's the sound of your pals reading Harry Stephen Keeler's When Thief Meets Thief! This legendary underground author works through his obsessions (skulls, coincidences) and takes us through a long tour of his racial attitudes—and one of those two things is, depending on your patience levels, fun/acceptable. The other is a firehose of awful. (This book comes with a content warning for racist slurs and attitudes, self-harm, and one very cartoonish act of violence against an animal, very little of which is discussed in the episode.) But, whether or not you can get past the difficult to digest subject matter, you can always confront the difficult to parse timeline, or just wallow in the difficult to understand prose. This one, it's safe to say, isn't like anything you've read before. Extra bonus illustrations! If you want to see what it looks like when one tries to summarize the entire plot of a Keeler book, read this effort by William Poundstone. NOTE: it's like 2,500 words long. If you want to see what a Keeler-style "webwork" diagram looks like, feast your eyes! (Also from William Poundstone.)     Recommendations: Wandersong game L'Avenir / Things to Come (Mia Hansen-Løve) Music: "Skulls" by the Misfits "Thieves" by Ministry "Joker and the Thief" by Wolfmother IDEOTVPod Songs of Nudity and (Then) Carnality
Wilder than Wild Animus. Weirder than Necroscope. Wronger than Scruples. Surging it comes in from the sea off the coast of Wales, so J. and Collision must wade into ... Night of the Crabs! This is not a drill, people, this is a book by Guy N. Smith and it's definitely the best bad book we've gotten our hands on, and there is something (giant crabs invade Wales) here (tons of sex) for everyone (plot holes you could ride a giant crab through)! (Prose you will legit not believe.) (Death scenes all over the place.) Recommended a long time ago, this book goes sideways almost instantly, and even though your hosts claw away at it, cracking wise as best they can, the whole thing is guaranteed to steam you — or leave you shell-shocked. Ride the crab. Recommendations: City of Saints and Madmen, Jeff VanderMeer Clothes Clothes Clothes, Music Music Music, Boys Boys Boys, Viv Albertine Music: "Godzilla" by Blue Őyster Cult "Rock Lobster" by B-52s "Convoy" by C.W. McCall "Crab Rappers" by Nonchalant
With special guest Bill Hanstock, J. and Collision pull on their boots and step inside the squared circle to wrestle with pro-wrestling lifer "Hardcore" Bob Holly's memoir, The Hardcore Truth. Holly was known for not pulling his punches in the ring, and he definitely brings the same approach to these pages. Even if you don't care about pro wrestling, this one is a good journey to take, a book about a young man who discovers that all the machinery making modern television isn't so open-hearted, it's coldly charted. He wanted to believe in the freedom of wrestling, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shattered his illusions of integrity. Also! We announce our Contest Winner in a thrilling crossover between our Letters and Dramatic Reading segments! SPECIAL NOTES:We have a live show taping coming up! February 21, 2016, 2:00 p.m., at Stage Werx Theater, 446 Valencia St., San Francisco, California, a block away from the 16th St. BART station! Be there! It's just ten bucks! Tickets available at Brown Paper Tickets! Recommendations: Anne Carson, "We've Only Just Begun" Chris Jericho, A Lion's Tale Galaxy Quest Go to Wrestlemania Music: A Wide Assortment of Professional Wrestling Entrance Themes
Our first episode to be scored entirely by harp, harpsichord, and ocarina, it's the oft-requested short side story The Slow Regard of Silent Things, a book that would describe itself as "twee as twee" and that features a character who "smiles" twice, "grins" every third paragraph, and once sweeps a staircase...up. It's a fun read, like hanging out with a friendly goth who's happy to share their cloves and lots of handy tips about getting red wine stains out of velvet cloaks. Snatch up your gathersack, because this episode is brimming with amiable whimsy that you won't want to leave behind, make sure you've got your best copy of The Crow soundtrack with you, and prepare yourself for ... a quick glance at noisemakers? No, silly! It's time for a rhyme that's quiet as a mime with a twist of lime: it's time ... for The Slow Regard of Silent Things.     Recommendations: Line Hollis, "Line On Sierra" Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House Music: Joanna Newsom, "monkey & bear" Clutch, "the soapmakers" Radiohead, "Everything in Its Right Place" A YouTube Genius, "Seinfeld/Bizkit Mashup"
In the quest for the weirdest and worst artifacts available, J. and Collision welcome K. Thor Jensen to the show to discuss Sass Girls X, by Imari Imarea. You're gonna need a safe, well-padded environment for this, because this book's ridiculous levels are matched only by its levels of terribleness. A failed attempt at bringing the energy and conventions of anime to the page, Sass Girls X is more or less what you'd get if an internet forum came to life and instantly got a bad fever. This book is an incredible rarity, which is why we're breaking some of our rules to bring it to you. You have NOT read anything like it, and it's unlikely you would ever would have had the ... pleasure of this book's prose, so get ready. Get ready to taste an unholy mix of obscure sexual fetish(es), videogame obsessiveness, slapstick humor, "fuck it" plotting, and more appropriations than Earnest Cline could pull off after an espresso enema. And get ready to update your list of things that have made you say "holy shit", because this is DEFINITELY going on it.   Recommendations: The Bloody Chamber, Angela Carter The Shaggs' Own Thing, The Shaggs Music: All music this episode is from the CD "SGX", which comes with this book.
Money. Pizza. Respect. Two of these things are probably okay, but all of them will leave a bad taste in your mouth when they come from a "book" by Joshua "The Fat Jew Joke Thief" Ostrovsky. And we sincerely hope that Joshua got none of those things in exchange for cobbling together this somewhat book-like object for whatever hard-to-imagine audience he might once have had. Yes, this episode, J. and Collision are delving deep into 2014's most second-tier memes, from "saying 'someone drinks rosé' is funny" all the way to "saying 'beef jerky' is funny". Except these memes are packaged with way more offensive epithets, racist commentary, and lazy page-occupying filler than you'd expect. Enjoy J.'s most vibrant anger yet! Snicker at Collision's least convincing high points segment ever! But most of all, sigh at the society that has made a talent-free joke thief like Ostrovsky very nearly successful. NOTE: we expect that Joshua will respond to this the only way he knows how: by stealing somebody else's ideas. So, when he launches his own podcast about bad books, probably called "I Don't Read I Only Own a Television", with segments like "Dramatic Passage", "What Would They Choose?", and "What Is the Best?", please help us denounce this twerp's thieving ways.   Recommendations: The films of Amy Heckerling. Bee Season, Myla Goldberg Music: "Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa "No Scrubs" by TLC "Crazy B*tch" by Buckcherry "Refusing to be a Man" by Propagandhi
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Podcast Details

Mar 28th, 2014
Latest Episode
Mar 15th, 2020
Release Period
No. of Episodes
Avg. Episode Length
About 1 hour
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