0:05

Welcome to the I Have

0:07

ADHD podcast, where it's all

0:09

about education, encouragement, and coaching

0:11

for adults with ADHD. I'm

0:14

your host, Kristen Carter, and I Have

0:16

ADHD. Let's

0:18

chat about the frustrations, humor,

0:20

and challenges of adulting relationships,

0:23

working, and achieving with this

0:25

neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll

0:27

help you understand your unique brain, unlock

0:29

your potential, and move from point A

0:31

to point B. Hey,

0:38

what's up? This is Kristen Carter, and you are

0:40

listening to the I Have ADHD podcast. I'm

0:42

medicated. I'm caffeinated. I am regulated.

0:45

I'm here with my nine-year-olds, and

0:47

I'm ready to roll. How

0:49

are you? Welcome. Come

0:52

on in. Grab a cozy drink

0:54

or go on your walk or

0:56

unload the dishwasher. Use me as

0:58

your body double. We're going to

1:00

have a great time together today. As

1:02

you know, I was sick last week, and

1:05

then it's just gone around

1:07

my whole family. Maybe I was sick two weeks ago, and

1:10

it hit my little guy. He

1:12

is here with me in the office today. He's

1:15

been walking in my walking pad or watching

1:17

his little YouTube videos. He's

1:22

giving me a look. He

1:24

has been sworn to silence. He

1:27

will be quiet throughout the next

1:29

30 minutes while we chat today

1:31

about you being an

1:33

autonomous adult and having agency

1:35

and choice in your life. It's

1:38

going to be a really

1:40

important episode. I might say

1:42

that every time. I apologize if I do. I

1:44

actually do believe it, though. Before

1:46

we get started, though, I have not asked you this

1:48

in quite a long time, but I am

1:51

going to shamelessly ask you if

1:53

you would mind just

1:55

giving us a little five-star rating. That

1:59

would be so. helpful. It

2:01

would be so incredibly helpful. You

2:03

can do it while you listen,

2:05

while you multitask, especially if you're

2:08

listening on Spotify or

2:11

Apple Podcasts. It would help me so

2:13

much if you would just find that

2:15

rating button and press those five stars.

2:17

If you have the capacity, you can

2:19

write a review, but I mean, honestly,

2:21

just clicking that rating button, it'll take

2:23

you maybe seven seconds.

2:25

If you would just do that,

2:27

that would help me out so,

2:30

so, so much. I'm not sure what's going

2:33

on, but ratings are coming in quite slowly.

2:35

Reviews are coming in great, which I appreciate,

2:37

y'all. But those ratings, my goodness.

2:40

I don't know what's going on with

2:42

all of this. I know everything changes

2:44

from year to year, but listenership, doing

2:47

great. Ratings, not so much. So

2:49

would you click that button for me? It

2:51

would help me so, so much. Okay. I

2:54

can't wait for you to hear what we're talking

2:56

about today. And I also want to let you

2:58

know that when I talk about this within my

3:00

community, it can sometimes be very activating.

3:02

And I just want to let you know in

3:05

advance that this could be a

3:07

topic that stirs something up in

3:10

you. And if so, that's so

3:12

important for you to pay attention

3:14

to. It's actually

3:16

a really good indicator that there's

3:18

something here that's important. Okay. And

3:21

if that is you, if you notice

3:23

yourself getting activated, I really encourage you

3:26

to pause and breathe, maybe

3:28

take a break, take care of yourself and come

3:30

back to the episode if you want to. And

3:32

don't come back to it if you don't want

3:34

to. Okay. So we're talking

3:36

today about the fact

3:39

that we are adults

3:41

who don't have to do anything that we

3:43

don't want to do. Are

3:46

you triggered yet? Some

3:49

of you might already be upset. Taking

3:54

care of your house isn't always easy,

3:56

but it should at least be simple.

3:58

Like why isn't it more simple? And

4:01

that's why for the last two years

4:03

I've been drinking AG1 persistently pretty much

4:05

every day. It's just one

4:07

scoop mixed in water once a

4:09

day and it makes me feel

4:12

so much better. I've noticed improved

4:14

focus, better mental clarity, better concentration

4:16

and what I just learned about

4:18

it is that it supports healthy

4:21

hormone production which is so important

4:23

to me now that I'm in

4:25

perimenopause. I truly do

4:27

feel so much better and that's

4:30

because each serving of AG1 delivers

4:32

my daily dose of vitamins, minerals,

4:34

pre and probiotics and more. It's

4:36

just like a really powerful

4:39

healthy habit that's

4:41

also powerfully simple

4:44

and it has to be simple, right? Because I have

4:46

ADHD. If it's

4:48

not simple, I'm telling you I'm

4:50

not going to do it. That's

4:52

just the truth. This

4:54

is so simple. Now you all know

4:56

that for decades I have reached

4:58

for the coffee pot the instant

5:00

that my eyes open and when

5:03

I introduced the, I use

5:05

the word habit very loosely, the habit of

5:07

drinking AG1. I've done

5:09

that later in the day but to my

5:12

absolute shock I've been able to change that.

5:14

Now I drink AG1 first thing

5:17

in the morning which is recommended

5:19

for optimal nutrient absorption. I

5:21

literally picture my

5:23

gut and my cells just absorbing

5:26

all of the goodness first thing

5:28

in the morning and I've

5:30

got to tell you I do feel a

5:32

difference. I fill up my shaker with extra

5:35

cold water. My eyes are not even open

5:37

yet. I add one scoop of AG1, I

5:39

shake it up good to go. It

5:41

takes me 30 seconds max from start

5:44

to finish and I am not exaggerating

5:46

it. It's so simple or I wouldn't

5:48

do it and it's helped me feel

5:50

so much better especially in the mornings.

5:53

If there's one product that I had to

5:55

recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1 and

5:57

that's why I've partnered with them for so

5:59

long. long and exclusively. They're the only

6:01

product that I've allowed to have ads

6:03

on this podcast because I believe in

6:05

it so much. So if you want

6:07

to take ownership of your health, start

6:09

with AG1. Try AG1 and get a

6:11

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6:13

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6:18

with your first purchase exclusively

6:20

at drinkag1.com/I have

6:23

ADHD. That's the

6:26

way to do

6:28

it. This

6:33

is a really important facet

6:35

of understanding your autonomy and

6:38

your agency and your choice

6:40

in the world. That

6:42

as an adult, you

6:45

get to decide what you do

6:47

and what you don't do. And

6:50

you never ever, ever, ever, ever have

6:52

to do anything that you don't want

6:54

to do. Now, the reason

6:56

why this is so important, I

6:58

think, personally, and this is just

7:00

my personal opinion, is because

7:02

so many of us grew

7:05

up in situations where

7:07

we didn't feel like we had autonomy

7:10

or the right to self-govern. We didn't

7:12

feel like we were in charge of

7:14

our lives. We didn't feel like we

7:16

could really differentiate from our parents or

7:19

maybe we felt like we had to

7:21

mimic everyone at school in order

7:23

to fit in. We just didn't feel like

7:25

we could be ourselves. We didn't

7:28

feel like we could be in charge

7:30

of ourselves. And we didn't have a

7:32

sense of control. And now,

7:34

in adulthood, oftentimes,

7:38

the outplay of that, what happens in

7:40

adulthood is that we don't feel like

7:42

we have control over what

7:44

we say yes or no to. We don't

7:47

feel like we have control over our schedules.

7:49

We don't feel like we have control over

7:51

our lives. We feel like we are always

7:53

obligated to other people, including our partners, our

7:55

kids, our friends, our kids' schools, our jobs,

7:57

our coworkers, our boss. We're just obligated to

7:59

do that. Obligated, obligated, obligated to everyone

8:01

else and we don't, we often,

8:04

as adults with ADHD, don't feel

8:06

a sense of control. Here's

8:08

why that's a problem. It

8:11

takes us so much mental

8:13

and emotional energy to get

8:15

ourselves to do something that

8:17

we don't want to do.

8:20

Think about something that you don't want to do versus something

8:22

that you do want to do. How

8:25

much harder for you as an adult

8:27

with ADHD, with low

8:29

motivation skills, with low

8:32

dopamine amounts, with task

8:34

initiation deficiency, how much harder is

8:36

it for you to get yourself

8:38

to do something that you don't

8:40

want to do? Something

8:42

that you feel obligated to do? Something that

8:45

you feel is just like the dumbest task,

8:47

like pointless. How much harder

8:49

is it for you to get that thing

8:52

done? It's so

8:54

important that you understand that there

8:56

is a cumulative effect

8:59

on our bodies when

9:02

we are constantly forcing ourselves to

9:04

do something that we don't want

9:06

to do and it does inevitably

9:09

lead to burnout. Now,

9:11

burnout might look different for different

9:13

people. I have a

9:15

lot of people in my focused

9:17

ADHD coaching program who are on

9:20

medical leave for burnout. There

9:23

are a lot of factors that go into

9:25

it, but I would venture to

9:27

say that one of the factors

9:29

that goes into burnout is the

9:31

fact that we do not feel

9:34

like we have agency or autonomy

9:36

or choice and that we're constantly

9:38

obligated to the people around us

9:40

and not making decisions for ourselves.

9:43

This is an important thing to talk

9:46

about within the context of ADHD, especially

9:48

for those of us who grew up

9:50

in families where we didn't have a

9:52

lot of agency or control, where we

9:54

really weren't able to self-govern or maybe

9:56

in schools where we felt like we

9:59

had to just go along

10:01

to get along and we had to

10:03

mask our true selves in

10:05

order to fit in and avoid

10:07

rejection. Okay, there's only so long

10:09

that we can live counter

10:12

to who we truly are. And

10:15

ADHD-er thrives when they are

10:18

aligned. And ADHD-er

10:20

is allergic to not being

10:22

aligned. And so this

10:24

is really, really important. So I just

10:26

want to review two terms

10:28

that I'll be using throughout this podcast. Autonomy

10:31

is the right to self-govern, the

10:34

right to be in charge of

10:36

yourself. You are a separate person

10:38

from your spouse. You are a

10:41

separate person from your mom. You

10:43

are a separate person from

10:46

your colleague who performs the same

10:48

tasks that you do. You are

10:50

separate, you are different, and you have

10:52

the right to self-govern and the right

10:54

to be in charge of yourself. Agency

10:58

is the sense of control that

11:00

you feel about your life. And

11:02

I have a question. Do you

11:05

feel as though you have agency

11:07

in your life? Do you feel

11:09

as though you have the right

11:12

to be in control of your own

11:15

life? I

11:18

just taught a course on self-trust

11:20

within the Focused ADHD Coaching membership.

11:23

It was a beautiful course. It is available to you

11:25

in Tier 1. Anytime you are

11:27

ready to hop in and join us in Focused,

11:30

it will be available to you in Tier 1, meaning

11:32

you'll get access to it right away. One

11:35

of the key takeaways from

11:38

that course is that most

11:40

of my clients, I mean, there

11:42

were 800-something clients that went through

11:44

that course, most of my clients,

11:46

and so I think that's a pretty

11:48

big snapshot of the ADHD community, do

11:51

not feel like they have

11:54

agency in their lives. This

11:57

is a big deal. This

12:00

is one of the fundamental

12:02

foundational aspects of being a

12:05

grown adult. And

12:07

some of y'all forget that you're grown.

12:10

And so this is your reminder that you

12:13

are a grown adult. You

12:15

are autonomous, meaning you are different

12:17

from the people around you, and

12:19

you have agency. You

12:22

have control over your

12:25

own life. And

12:27

I get to choose what I want to do and what

12:30

I don't want to do. I get to be

12:32

in charge. All right, how you doing? We're

12:34

just going to do a little check in here. Some

12:36

of y'all are feeling a type of way that's

12:38

okay. It's okay. I

12:42

hear I sense all of the yabbats. I

12:44

sense them, and we will get to some

12:46

of them. But I just

12:48

want you to notice

12:51

the resistance that you're feeling. If you

12:53

are feeling resistance, notice it. What's

12:57

so important to remember and to

12:59

keep front of mind if you

13:01

can, is that as an adult

13:03

with ADHD, you have an

13:05

interest-based brain. That

13:08

means that something that you want

13:10

to do, that you're interested in,

13:12

that you care about deeply, is

13:15

going to be more compelling and

13:18

easier to do usually

13:20

than something that you think

13:22

is stupid, that you think is pointless,

13:24

that you feel obligated to do, or that

13:26

you simply just don't want to do. If

13:29

you don't want to do it, it's going to be

13:31

really, really hard to get yourself to do it. This

13:34

is where the emotional

13:36

and mental and physical

13:38

drain comes in, where

13:41

we continue to try

13:43

to coerce ourselves to do things that

13:46

we don't want to do, because

13:48

we, quote-unquote, should do them, because

13:50

somebody else wants us to do

13:53

them, or because we're not willing

13:55

to leave a job and go

13:57

find something else. And so we stay in a job that

13:59

we don't like. doing tasks that

14:01

we don't enjoy, and

14:03

we just try to get ourselves to do

14:06

that every day because that feels easier than

14:08

the fear of trying

14:10

something new. It takes

14:13

so much coercion and convincing

14:15

to get yourself to do something that you don't wanna do,

14:18

and it is exhausting, and that is

14:20

exactly what leads to shutdown. That

14:23

is exactly what leads to not

14:25

being able to function after work.

14:27

That's exactly what leads to on

14:29

the weekends, you're just like, why

14:32

can't I do anything around the

14:34

house? Because you are recovering, in

14:36

some instances, I'm not trying to

14:38

say every single time, but many

14:40

times it's because you are recovering

14:42

from the emotional, mental, physical,

14:45

maybe even spiritual exhaustion

14:47

of trying to convince yourself day in and

14:49

day out to do something that you don't

14:52

want to do. This is not what I

14:54

want for you. This is

14:56

not what I want for your life.

14:58

This is not a fun way to

15:00

live. Now, I understand that depending on

15:02

where you are in the world, your

15:05

economic status, your marital status, maybe some

15:07

of you are single parents, there is

15:09

a level here of privilege where somebody

15:11

with massive amounts of privilege will be

15:14

able to just snap their fingers and say, don't

15:16

wanna do it, don't wanna do it, don't wanna

15:18

do it, and nothing major will change, whereas someone

15:20

with, maybe somebody trapped in

15:22

poverty, somebody who is in an abusive

15:24

relationship, it's gonna be much harder. So

15:27

I do want to add in that

15:29

nuance. I do want to say that

15:31

I understand, I coach people from all

15:34

different parts of the world

15:36

in different economic standings and

15:38

different relational patterns.

15:42

But regardless of

15:44

your privilege, regardless of what

15:47

you're working with relationally, you

15:49

are still a grown adult. You

15:54

do still need to

15:56

recognize your autonomy, meaning you

15:58

are different. different from everyone

16:01

else around you. You do

16:03

need to recognize your agency,

16:05

meaning you do have some

16:07

choices. You do. There

16:09

are some choices. Maybe not as

16:12

many choices, maybe not fun choices,

16:14

but there are still choices. One

16:17

of the things that I know about myself is

16:20

that I did not grow up in a

16:22

family that celebrated my autonomy, or

16:25

celebrated my agency, or

16:27

taught me how to

16:29

be a strong, independent

16:31

adult separate from my

16:33

family. Much

16:36

of my own relational patterns

16:38

were geared towards making other

16:41

people in my life happy

16:43

with my choices, spending

16:45

my time the way that other people

16:47

wanted me to spend my time. Even

16:50

the college I went to, or

16:52

my career choices,

16:54

things like that, I wonder

16:57

how much agency I had in that

16:59

looking back. That

17:01

led me to was living as an

17:03

adult who really wanted to please people

17:06

with the choices that she made, really

17:08

wanted to please people with the

17:10

way that I spent my time,

17:12

and really feeling like my choices

17:14

had a big impact on other

17:16

people. I always wanted to do

17:19

the right thing, and I felt

17:21

like the right thing was to keep people

17:23

around me happy. Many of my

17:25

choices reflected that, that I would

17:28

spend my time to keep people

17:30

around me happy because apparently I

17:32

had the power

17:34

to do that, which is false. It's not my

17:36

job to do that. One

17:39

of the things that I've transitioned

17:41

to in the last five years

17:43

is I give myself an out

17:46

for everything. I do

17:48

this for my kids too. I

17:50

tell myself, you don't have to do it. You don't

17:52

have to do anything. You don't have to

17:54

do anything. I do not have to record

17:57

this podcast. I do not have to stay married to

17:59

my husband. I do not have to parent my kids. I

18:02

do not have to wake up when

18:04

my alarm goes off in the morning.

18:06

I do not have to do

18:08

it. I am constantly giving

18:10

myself an out. Now,

18:13

what this does for my brain, if I

18:15

don't have to do it, then

18:18

I can play with do I want to

18:20

do it? What do I actually want? What

18:23

do I actually want? I am so

18:25

curious if you just went through your day

18:28

saying I don't have to do this. I

18:31

don't have to do this. Now, what

18:34

that does is it takes

18:36

off the obligation. And

18:39

I'm telling you, living under obligation is no

18:41

way to live. This is what will cause

18:43

us burnout. This is what will make us

18:45

feel powerless. This is

18:47

where resentment comes in, okay?

18:50

And if we take that off and we say, I

18:53

don't have to do anything. If

18:56

I can tell myself I don't

18:58

have to, then

19:00

my brain can start to process.

19:03

Well, I actually kind of want to. So

19:06

I did this when my kids

19:08

were little and I was a very

19:10

overwhelmed mom with three little boys. Oh

19:12

my goodness. O-M-G.

19:16

It was hard. And one of the

19:18

things that I used to do is say, I don't have to do this. I

19:20

could leave right now. I could leave today. And

19:23

then I would start to think about what that would mean. Do

19:26

I really want to leave? Do

19:29

I want to be the person who leaves? Do

19:32

I want to not watch my kids grow up? Do

19:35

I want to, like, what is

19:37

this what I want? And that

19:39

helped me so much to say, no,

19:41

I want to be here. I

19:44

want to be the primary caregiver. I

19:46

want to make sure that I see

19:49

them every day, that I'm home with

19:51

them as much as possible. Like, for me, in

19:54

that time, I was home with them. And that

19:56

was a core value of mine. So,

19:59

have a good day. the out of saying,

20:01

I don't have to do this. I could leave

20:03

today gave me the ability

20:05

to think about what

20:08

I wanted. I'm curious in

20:10

your situation, if you could just look at

20:12

your life and say, I don't have to

20:14

do any of this. I could walk away

20:16

from all of it. What

20:18

would come up for you as far as what

20:20

do you want? You

20:23

don't have to wake up and go to your job. You're

20:26

grown, adult. Nobody gets to tell

20:28

you what to do. You

20:31

do not have to parent your kids. You do

20:33

not have to stay married to your partner. You

20:35

do not have to do

20:39

that volunteer thing. You do not have to work

20:41

out. You do not have to eat healthy. You

20:44

don't have to go to sleep. You don't have to wake

20:46

up. You don't have to do anything. You

20:49

get to self-govern.

20:53

What I'm asking you to do

20:55

is to play with this because as someone

20:57

with ADHD, you need an

20:59

out. You need to

21:01

be able to tell yourself, I don't have

21:04

to do this. Remember many, if not

21:06

most of us who

21:08

have ADHD have coexisting

21:10

oppositional defiant disorder, meaning

21:12

we don't want to

21:14

take orders from anyone

21:16

including ourselves. Even

21:19

an order from myself to myself

21:22

feels rude. It feels

21:24

coercive. It feels like a demand that

21:26

I want to avoid. It's like, don't

21:28

tell me what to do. You don't get to tell

21:30

me what to do. I think that for

21:33

me personally, the reason why this

21:35

feels so strongly for me is

21:38

because I didn't

21:40

grow up with a lot of agency. I didn't

21:42

grow up with a lot of control. I did

21:44

not grow up as someone whose autonomy was celebrated

21:47

and understood. Now as an adult where

21:49

I do have

21:52

more power of course than I did as a

21:54

kid, all of that opposition comes

21:56

out. Even if it's something that I want to do,

21:58

there's a lot of power. And I'm like, you should do

22:00

this. I'm like, I don't want to do it. And

22:03

then I have to have this conversation in my

22:05

head with myself. OK, you don't have to. You

22:08

don't have to work out. Let's think

22:10

about, though, what will happen if you

22:12

don't work out. Is that something

22:14

that you want? And that's fine. If

22:16

you choose not to, OK, whatever. I

22:19

want you to understand ADHD, or that Oppositional

22:22

Defiant Disorder is very closely

22:24

linked to ADHD. And there's

22:27

a lot of overlap. And if you just

22:29

feel like everyone has a demand for you,

22:31

or there are so many obligations that you're

22:33

fighting against, I want you to understand that

22:36

one of the ways through this is to really remind yourself,

22:38

you don't have to do it. You

22:41

don't have to do it. You don't have to

22:43

do it. You don't have to do it. Now,

22:46

you will often make

22:49

a conscious choice to do

22:51

something, even though it's not fun,

22:54

even though you don't want to do it. Even

22:58

though it's going to be painful in the

23:00

moment. Because when you look at your life

23:02

and you say, for

23:05

myself as an example, when

23:08

I look at my life, I want to be

23:10

someone who can move her body. I

23:13

want to be able to go out and hike.

23:15

I want to feel like I love that sort

23:18

of sore feeling that your muscles get after you

23:20

work out. That's a really wonderful

23:22

feeling. I love the way that I feel when

23:24

I move my body. I love how I sleep

23:26

better at night. I

23:28

will often do something that

23:31

I don't want to do because

23:33

I'm very connected to the

23:35

why. I

23:39

understand why I'm doing it.

23:42

I want to hike out

23:44

in nature because it helps my

23:46

mental health and I feel better

23:49

for the rest of the day. I

23:51

want to move my body because it helps

23:53

me sleep better at night. I

23:56

want to be someone who ages really, really

23:58

well and is able to. hike

24:00

and do whatever she wants to do well

24:02

into her 60s, 70s and 80s. Seriously,

24:07

80s, 90s, like let's do it

24:10

forever. Okay. So I

24:12

often in the moment, I never feel

24:14

like going out for a hike, but

24:16

I'm like, Hey, this is something that

24:18

is tied to our values. This is

24:20

something that we want long-term. We

24:22

are going to feel better after. Let's just go ahead and do

24:24

it. And most of the time

24:27

yesterday, I couldn't get myself to do it. And

24:29

that's okay. Like when I can't get myself to do it, I'm

24:32

just like, okay, you don't have to do it. And

24:34

then this morning, I remembered how I felt at

24:36

like five o'clock last night when it was like

24:38

finally getting dark. And I was like, dang,

24:41

I really wish I'd gone out today. Like

24:43

it was a sunny, sunny day. And I

24:45

really wish I had gone out and

24:48

felt the sunshine on my face and

24:50

moved my body. And this morning I

24:52

used that to help me move. I

24:54

was like, Hey, remember last night, you

24:56

didn't feel so good. Let's, let's give

24:59

it another try today. Another

25:02

example is this week my husband is

25:04

traveling and he usually does the morning

25:06

time with the kids. And so it's

25:08

on me. And listen, it

25:10

is not my ministry. This is not,

25:13

this is not something I'm good at and it's not something

25:15

I want to do. And

25:17

I gave myself an out. I don't have to wake

25:19

up with my kids, like my big kids who are

25:22

out the door by seven. I don't have to wake

25:24

up with them. And then

25:26

I started thinking, do I want them to wake

25:28

up and be alone? Do I

25:30

want to run the risk of my one

25:32

kiddo who struggles to get up, not getting

25:34

up and me having to drive him to

25:36

school? Is that what I want? Well,

25:40

no, that's actually not what I want.

25:42

So I don't have to set my alarm for six

25:45

30 and get up with them, but

25:47

I actually want to because I don't

25:49

want the other option, which is they

25:52

get up there by themselves.

25:55

I'm not really sure if they're getting out the door. I

25:57

wake up at seven to find or seven,

25:59

whatever. to find that my one kiddo

26:01

didn't make it and now I have to drive

26:03

him and get the other one. Right?

26:07

So recognizing my choice, giving

26:10

myself the out of you don't have to set your

26:12

alarm. It's totally fine if you don't. Like they can

26:14

get out the door on their own, which is true.

26:18

Recognizing my choice, my agency, my autonomy

26:20

in that allowed me to say, nope,

26:22

I want to do it. It's

26:25

just easier for me if I just get up and

26:27

do it. And I did it. I am doing it. It's

26:30

terrible. Another question that

26:32

I love to ask myself is, is it

26:34

true that you don't want to do it? So

26:37

when I say that I don't want to record

26:39

a podcast, and I've used this example before, I'm

26:42

sorry if you're just like, Kristen, stop talking about

26:44

it. But honestly, I

26:47

hate recording podcasts.

26:49

This is the hardest part of my job. I

26:52

work almost full time. I have

26:56

pretty successful company. I'm talking to people

26:58

every single day about ADHD. I have

27:00

a lot of tasks. This podcast is

27:02

the hardest thing that I do. It's

27:05

by far the hardest thing. I hate doing

27:07

it. But do you know what

27:09

I love? I love having done it.

27:11

I love having a

27:13

podcast. I love connecting with

27:16

you listener. Like I love

27:18

it. Nothing makes me happier. So how is

27:21

it that something that I hate doing is

27:23

so tied to an outcome that I want

27:25

so badly? So every single

27:27

week, I have this back and forth with myself. I'm

27:29

like, I don't want to record the podcast. And then

27:32

I asked myself is, okay, you don't have to. You

27:34

100% don't have to. Nobody's going

27:37

to die if you stop recording

27:40

your podcast. But is

27:42

it true that you don't want to? Do

27:45

you truly want the outcome

27:48

of you not having done it? And

27:51

I'm telling you, I do have to go

27:53

through this rigmarole every week. And

27:55

the answer is always no, I don't

27:57

want the outcome. It is. not

28:00

easier for me to just not record

28:02

it. It is not easier for me

28:05

to save it to next week. Crosby's here

28:07

with me today. He's sick. I

28:09

could have easily been like, this isn't a good

28:11

week. I'll just do it next week. But then

28:14

I was thinking, is that what I want? Do

28:17

I want next week me to have

28:19

to take care of this? My

28:21

whole team would be totally fine if I was

28:23

just like, guys, it's not happening this week. They

28:25

would be like, noted. We'll take care

28:28

of it next week. But that's not what I

28:30

want. I don't want next week me to have

28:32

to do this. Like, she's going

28:34

to be mad. She's going to be

28:36

like, really? Now I have to do

28:38

two? You don't say it? Okay. Giving

28:40

yourself permission to say I'm not doing

28:42

it is so important.

28:46

Now, I wonder if you're having the

28:48

experience or like the yeah butt of,

28:50

okay, Kristen, if

28:53

I tell myself that I only have

28:55

to do what I want to do, that I don't have to do

28:57

anything that I don't want to do. All

28:59

I'm going to do is sit on my couch and play video games. I'm

29:01

just going to eat ice cream all day. I'm just

29:03

going to sit on my couch and play video games.

29:05

And what I'm asking, what I'm

29:07

curious about is, is

29:09

that really what you want out of

29:11

your life? Remember,

29:13

you have to go back

29:15

to your why. An ADHD

29:17

brain needs a good solid

29:20

why. And so yeah, sitting

29:22

on your couch playing video games would feel really

29:24

good for like three or four days. And

29:27

then what? Like, where's

29:29

that going to lead you? Is that what you

29:31

really want? So you won't

29:33

have an income. So how are

29:35

you going to eat? Or what's

29:38

your relationship with your partner going to be like? If

29:40

that's what you do? Is

29:43

that what you really want? And

29:45

so just coaching yourself, having

29:48

a little bit of self-talk or journaling

29:50

time on, hey, you don't have to

29:52

do anything. Okay, great. Now, what do

29:54

you want to do? What is the

29:56

outcome that you want? I when

30:01

I was doing these self-trust calls and somebody

30:03

said like, okay, well, what I want is

30:05

to go lay in a beach and not

30:07

talk to anybody and just like chill.

30:10

And it's like, okay, well, first of all,

30:12

you can do that. You are an adult.

30:15

Go do it. But how

30:17

long is that going to be fun for? Like,

30:21

honestly, I've got about four days

30:23

in me of laying around. And

30:27

then I'm just like, okay, like

30:29

this is not what I want

30:31

out of my life because humans

30:33

love to create and produce. We

30:35

are beings with purpose.

30:37

And so, yes, the relaxation is so

30:40

important, but what we really want out

30:42

of our life is to fulfill our

30:44

purpose. So what's that? Right?

30:48

So here's what I want you to do. I want you

30:50

to, if you can, if you have the capacity,

30:52

is to start talking

30:54

to yourself like this, hey, you don't have to

30:56

do it. But

30:58

let's talk about what will happen if you don't do

31:01

it. Okay?

31:03

So maybe the outcome if you don't do

31:05

it is that someone will be disappointed. Okay,

31:08

that's fine. Let them

31:10

be disappointed. But maybe

31:12

the outcome if you don't do it is you'll lose your

31:14

job. Is that something that

31:16

you want? Agency

31:19

and autonomy, self-governing,

31:23

the foundation of that is what do I want?

31:27

And if you don't know what you want, it's

31:29

time to start to tune in and figure

31:32

that out. Because if you don't know what

31:34

you want out of your life, you are

31:36

going to be scheduling yourself at the mercy

31:38

of other people. I

31:41

want you to start looking at your calendar or your

31:43

list and just saying, I don't have to do any

31:45

of this. I'm a grown

31:48

ass adult. I don't have to do any of

31:50

this. I get to choose.

31:53

Okay, so what do I

31:55

want to do? What

31:57

don't I want to do? What is on my list?

32:00

list or my schedule or my calendar

32:02

because of fear. Fear of

32:04

what other people will think. Listen, this is

32:06

probably not a great thing to have on your list.

32:09

What's on my list because of obligation,

32:11

that I feel obligated to make somebody

32:13

else happy at my own

32:15

expense? What is on

32:18

my calendar because I feel guilty

32:20

saying no? Those are

32:22

the things that I want you

32:24

to immediately eliminate. We can start

32:26

with eliminating those things first. It's

32:31

okay if this is a slow process. It's

32:34

okay if you are listening to this and

32:36

you're like, shoot, I don't really even know

32:38

what I want. Then you

32:40

start from there. How

32:42

do I figure that out? That's

32:45

the question. Let

32:48

this be a slow process. I know

32:50

that depending on your socioeconomic status, your

32:52

marital status, if you are a single

32:54

parent or if you have little kids,

32:56

all of these things, it

32:59

might be a harder process for you or an

33:01

easier process for you. I want you to know

33:03

it's not impossible. I want

33:05

you to start thinking about it

33:08

as a long-term goal. In five

33:10

years, what

33:12

if five years from

33:15

now, you, that version of you, only

33:18

has things on their calendar that they want to do.

33:21

They're only showing up to do

33:23

things that they want to do,

33:25

that they feel aligned with, that

33:28

are values-based, that they're committed to.

33:30

There's no fear. There's no obligation.

33:32

There's no guilt. There's no coercion.

33:35

There's just alignment and

33:37

doing things that feel super, super

33:41

desirable. Now, again, remember, even

33:43

working out or eating healthy,

33:45

they don't necessarily feel desirable

33:47

in the moment, but the

33:50

long-term outcome of it

33:52

is what we want. Always

33:54

remember that you have a choice.

33:57

You are autonomous, meaning you are separate from

33:59

other people. other people, you don't have to do

34:01

what other people do. You can

34:03

figure out what you wanna do. Remember

34:06

that as someone with ADHD,

34:08

you have an interest-based brain.

34:10

That means that the things that you don't wanna

34:12

do, that you feel are stupid, that you're not

34:14

interested in, are gonna be so much harder to

34:17

get yourself to do, and

34:19

then that can lead to

34:22

depletion, to exhaustion, to even

34:24

burnout, okay? So remember that.

34:26

And remember that this is

34:29

a long process. This is not like, okay,

34:31

well, I'm gonna clear my calendar today. Like,

34:34

start to do an intake of, what do I

34:36

feel like I have to do? How

34:39

can I get myself to really understand that I

34:41

don't have to do anything because I'm a grown

34:43

adult with autonomy and agency? How

34:46

can I really connect to the things that

34:48

I want to do and

34:50

do more of that? Listen,

34:53

I believe that we adults with

34:55

ADHD can start to make big changes

34:58

in our lives when we connect

35:00

to what we feel called to

35:02

do, what we want to

35:04

do, what we're compelled to do, and

35:06

we start to say no to everything

35:08

that just feels like a full body.

35:10

I don't want to, please don't make

35:12

me do that. When

35:15

your body has that reaction, it's

35:17

important to listen to it. It's

35:19

so important. It's so important,

35:21

okay. Whoo, this is a

35:23

good aim. All right, I hope that you loved

35:26

it. Please don't forget to click that rating button.

35:28

And listen, if you don't want to do it, you

35:31

don't have to do it. It would be helpful

35:33

to me, but listen, I can

35:35

handle myself. If you want

35:37

to do it, great. If you don't, that's fine too. I'm

35:39

gonna see you next week. Okay, bye-bye. Hey,

35:42

ADHD-er, I see you. I

35:45

know exactly what it's like to feel

35:47

lost, confused, frustrated, and like no one

35:49

out there really understands the way that

35:51

your brain works. That's why

35:53

I created FOCUS. FOCUS

35:55

is my monthly coaching program where

35:57

I lead you through a step-by-step

35:59

process. of understanding yourself, feeling better,

36:01

and creating the life that you know

36:03

you're meant for. You'll

36:06

study, be coached, grow, and

36:08

make amazing changes alongside of

36:10

other educated professional adults with

36:13

ADHD from all over the world.

36:15

Visit ihaveadhd.com/focus to

36:18

learn more.