0:01

This is exactly right. So

0:32

if you like True

0:34

Crime, the Dick Wolf

0:37

universe, and comedic takes on pop culture,

0:39

welcome home babies. Don't miss new episodes

0:41

every Tuesday. Follow That's Messed Up and

0:43

SVU Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.

0:46

Dun-dun! Can't

1:00

wait to get you here. Thought

1:03

I made myself perfectly clear

1:06

when you're a guest at my home You

1:11

gotta come to me empty

1:13

handed I

1:16

said no gifts, your presence is

1:18

present so no I

1:21

already had too much stuff

1:24

So how do you dare

1:27

disobey me? Welcome

1:39

to I Said No Gifts, I'm

1:42

Bridger Weinegger. We're

1:44

in the backyard. What

1:46

is happening? I've been to Trader Joe's this morning.

1:48

I went to three grocery stores. I gave

1:51

myself permission to buy the expensive

1:53

coffee and that it fell apart

1:55

immediately and I ended up at

1:57

Trader Joe's. There I had that.

2:00

an orange slice from the

2:02

sample lady. I went

2:04

around the aisle once and she

2:07

was gone. The entire stand was gone. She

2:09

was gone. Completely

2:11

surreal experience. RIP. Let's

2:14

get into the podcast.

2:17

I love today's guest. He is just so

2:20

funny. It's Zach Woods. Zach, welcome to I

2:22

Said No Gift. Thank you. You feel like

2:24

that woman was dead? RIP or that she

2:26

was just a hallucination conjured by the bad

2:29

coffee? I hope it's a hallucination. I see.

2:31

But I think she's been erased. She's

2:34

been disappeared. Yeah, unmade. But

2:37

you know, can I just paint a

2:39

picture for your listeners because you can't

2:41

hear this through the microphone, but Bridger

2:43

is wearing them a very

2:45

understated and beautiful outfit that matches

2:47

his surroundings perfectly where there's this

2:49

kind of like, I don't, I'm

2:51

not good at describing colors, but

2:53

it's this kind of like warm

2:55

magenta shirt and then this beautiful

2:57

green jacket and then there's these,

3:00

I don't know, I guess it's not that rewarding to

3:02

hear someone describe colors over the over

3:04

the internet, but it's very beautiful

3:06

and I want to say. I appreciate that. Yeah,

3:08

I mean kind of a brown maroon

3:10

and then kind of, I've

3:12

thought about the color of this jacket before and

3:14

I thought dark turquoise or is it

3:16

teal and I kind of landed on

3:18

Pacific. I feel like it's

3:21

the color is Pacific. Yeah.

3:23

Because teal, what is teal? I

3:25

always think of a Pontiac Grand

3:27

Am when I teal. It's like

3:29

a, it's more of a turquoise.

3:31

Yeah, teal sounds like a, like the

3:33

color of a car that a father

3:35

is distant from his children in. Yeah,

3:37

totally. Do you feel that you dress

3:39

in colors that reflect your mood or

3:42

that are aspirational? Like, will you

3:44

dress in a better mood than you are in

3:46

or do you dress in the mood that you

3:48

are in? Does that make sense? Yeah, that does

3:50

make sense. If my mood

3:52

is usually at a negative four, to

3:55

get to a zero with an outfit would be

3:57

incredible. So I guess I. It's

4:00

just kind of the four

4:02

things that are clean in my closet and that I

4:05

haven't worn too recently I'm getting tired of all of

4:07

my clothes. Oh interesting. I mean This

4:09

shirt I've probably owned for 14 years

4:12

Wow. What's wrong with me hair of it?

4:14

I would say someone you know Esther peril

4:16

the like oh, of course. Okay, so I've

4:18

mixed feelings I think she's brilliant, but

4:20

I'm also think she's too focused on power But

4:23

anyway, but this is not a referendum on

4:25

Esther peril Esther peril in one of these

4:27

books talked about how She

4:31

talked about how people who have affairs

4:35

Aren't having affairs because they're sick

4:37

of their partner It's that they're sick of

4:39

the version of themselves that they are with

4:41

their partner. Oh, I thought

4:43

was interesting and I don't

4:46

know when you were just saying like I'm getting sick of my clothes I

4:48

feel periodically that I'll have the feeling of

4:51

like wanting to be a different Mmm

4:54

person familiar with and I

4:56

will look to accessories to

4:58

achieve that transformation and what

5:00

sort of accessories Candles scented

5:02

candles. I'm obsessed with scented

5:04

candles different incenses a Lot

5:08

of sense stuff different throws quilts It's a

5:10

lot of kind of like old lady paraphernalia

5:12

that I'll try I guess that's what I'm

5:14

trying to transition into But

5:16

it's such a it's such a

5:18

slam dunk for capitalism Guess that

5:20

that that the impulse for personal

5:22

growth Immediately off ramps

5:25

external Shopify. Yes So

5:31

what sort of candles are you getting into I will

5:34

get DSN Durga I

5:36

will get Oh

5:39

my god, there's this one H perfume. I

5:41

don't know if you're supposed to say perfume

5:43

a or perfumer I don't

5:45

know. I'm not French contrary to

5:47

popular belief, but Yeah,

5:50

so those I like I

5:52

got this instance. It smells like coffee and chocolate

5:54

Can you leave you hear incense and you think

5:56

it smells like a predatory yoga course, of course

6:00

strange perfume smell. Yes.

6:03

Yeah, like a kind of patchouli

6:05

with a whiff of misogyny in

6:07

there. But

6:10

this is a coffee one that

6:12

smells like coffee and chocolate. Purely

6:15

chocolate and coffee. Yeah, there's no- Is that

6:17

not confusing for you? For me, that's

6:20

setting off a lot of hunger bells that's making

6:22

me think, why am I not eating? There's nothing

6:24

in the oven baking. Yeah, I

6:27

think I would be baffled. But for you, it

6:29

works. You know, someone told me, like I had

6:31

a- when I first got my dog, the trainer

6:34

who we were working with said, don't get one

6:36

of those laser pointers that you point on the

6:38

ground and they bad at because of exactly what

6:40

you're describing. It's like this insatiable, you want to

6:42

get to the laser, but you can never get

6:44

to the laser if you're the

6:46

dog. And that's basically, you're saying it would be

6:48

like a laser pointer. It's like, I want to

6:50

get to that smell, but there is no- There's

6:52

no end of the tunnel. There's just the constant

6:54

tease. I think I like

6:57

enticement maybe more than contentment. Oh, interesting.

6:59

For you, it is the journey. And

7:02

for me, it's purely the goal. The goal should be

7:04

the beginning for me. You want to be sated. I

7:07

just want to be teased into a tis. Someone

7:12

said, someone- You know what I realized recently, this is

7:14

going to make me sound again, like such an old

7:16

lady, but I think it's Jasmine,

7:18

you know, the smell of Jasmine. Sure. To

7:21

me, that is like the smell of a crush

7:23

where it's like, when you walk past Jasmine, you

7:25

just want to get closer and closer. You want

7:27

to get into the center of the thing, but

7:29

you can't. What are you going to do? Smash

7:31

your head into the bush. It won't work. And

7:33

anyway, even if you did, it wouldn't get you

7:35

there. And that feeling of like, it's like, I

7:38

don't know anything about math, but I remember from

7:40

seventh grade asymptotes or whatever, where it's like the line

7:42

is always getting closer and closer and closer. But it

7:45

never can. Right. And I think

7:47

that's like a crush. That's my coffee

7:49

incense. That's the smell of Jasmine.

7:52

It's the unreal, unrealizable

7:54

there. Right. You just need the

7:57

carrot dangling nonstop. Yes. Just

7:59

never. able to quite munch on it.

8:01

It's hope. I need hope. And

8:06

I need results. I just need

8:08

a result the moment I begin or I'm

8:10

giving up. We should go into business together.

8:12

We cover each other's fine spot. That's a

8:14

great combination. Right? Let's get

8:17

us on Shark Tank. We both do our own thing.

8:19

I think we'd be very successful. I think we would.

8:21

Now, do you like a treat? I mean, like,

8:24

if you were to have a chocolate, would you

8:26

be happy? Or is it you're just fine with

8:28

the smell? No, I like it very

8:30

much. And I used

8:32

to mainline just go straight up

8:34

garbage. I used to go to, I

8:36

lived in Hell's Kitchen and I would

8:38

go to the deli at two in the morning

8:40

and I would get like those tiny little apple

8:43

pies wrapped in wax paper. Oh, like the, what

8:45

is it called? Little

8:47

something? Yeah, like little friendlies

8:49

or something. Yeah, little friendlies,

8:51

little compulsions. And

8:54

I would eat those and then I would, but

8:56

I would also order a cheese sandwich and sometimes

8:58

like a sleeve of a beverage farm, cookies

9:01

and then what was left of the cheese sandwich

9:04

I would put on top, the cheese I would

9:06

put on the pie,

9:08

like some sort of like. This is

9:10

very taxi driver. Your simple

9:12

shepherd and taxi driver with the cheddar

9:15

on the apple pie. You

9:18

calling me simple shepherd and taxi driver is the nicest

9:20

thing anyone's ever said to me. That's

9:23

what I want from someone. I want someone to tell me

9:25

that and I'm not getting it. But you're

9:27

a simple shepherd and taxi driver.

9:29

I haven't earned this. I was just

9:31

begging for it. You asked for it

9:33

and you got the result. I

9:36

mean, me asking for is more Travis

9:39

Bickle in this situation, the desperation,

9:41

the need and

9:43

you have this cool, you're putting the

9:46

cheese sandwich over the top of a disgusting

9:49

little apple pie. Good for you. Do

9:52

you feel like you have an inner Travis

9:54

Bickle? Do you feel like there's that

9:56

like under the right social conditions, you

9:59

could lose your shit, shave yourself into

10:01

a mohawk, start practicing with guns in

10:03

the mirror. Do you think there's

10:06

a version of you that could do that? I want to believe that

10:08

I have that. The possibility

10:10

of me becoming a completely dangerous

10:13

person, even a sliver of that

10:15

would be so exciting. I think

10:17

I have maybe an inner king

10:19

of comedy where I could kidnap

10:21

and then try to make a

10:23

hero my own. Who would

10:25

you kidnap? Oh, that's a great question. Let

10:28

me think for... Yeah, and

10:31

it feels dangerous. I know, because

10:33

you're committing to it. It's definitely

10:35

undermining the result. In other words, if

10:37

you articulate your desire to... You're warning

10:39

them. You're warning them. You're absolutely warning

10:41

them. And then, I mean, but

10:44

then it becomes more of a challenge because

10:46

now I have to... they've really told

10:48

their security, this is the person to

10:50

watch out for. Someone

10:52

told me this thing, and I have no idea

10:54

if it's true, but that some guy was stalking

10:57

Steven Spielberg because he thought

10:59

that Steven Spielberg wanted him to

11:02

make love to him. And

11:04

they found him with Jurassic Park shit in

11:06

his car. I don't know if

11:08

that's true or not, but I remember thinking how

11:10

utterly terrifying that would be. So scary.

11:13

To not just have the stalker, but the stalker who thinks

11:16

that you're waiting for them eagerly

11:18

just seems truly

11:21

harrowing. That reminds me of...

11:24

did you ever hear about David Letterman's stalker

11:26

who was saying that she claimed David Letterman

11:28

was stalking her? Oh, wow.

11:30

It was a real... I mean, a

11:32

great... a nice reverse stalking attempt, which...

11:36

nobody saw that coming. I'm not stalking you.

11:38

You're stalking me. Stop stalking me. Stop

11:41

taking me to court. Yeah,

11:43

you're obsessed with me. You won't stop

11:45

calling the police on me. It's

11:49

so interesting. It's a very smart move. It's

11:51

shrewd. It's really shrewd. I'm trying to think

11:54

who I would want. Okay, let's do it

11:56

this way. You can

11:58

kidnap someone. They're dead already. I'm

12:00

not saying you're gonna kill somebody, but I'm saying

12:02

so you're safe from incriminating right so now you

12:04

become a grave robber So

12:06

who would you they're still a would you

12:08

rob there in exchange for the life of

12:10

the woman who gave you the orange slice?

12:12

They are reanimated and given directly into your

12:14

possession right right okay? Somebody dead who I

12:16

would want to kidnap and keep in my

12:18

home. Yeah, we're looking yes, and I'll try

12:21

to think about it Okay, I'm going to

12:23

say Do you know

12:25

oh? I mean

12:28

the real problem here is I don't know any

12:30

celebrity Celebrities

12:34

me too. That's a good thing. I panic. I mean

12:36

there's a full segment of this podcast We do sometimes

12:38

with celebrities. I'm like. I don't know who any of

12:41

these people are It's

12:43

a mitzvah. It's a mitzvah Who

12:46

would you take it as I'm

12:48

like who has died? Who

12:51

who are some people who

12:53

have died in the last 20 years

12:55

David Bowie David Bowie Prince? But

12:57

these are so obvious. I would of course. I'd love

12:59

to have David Bowie around the house I

13:02

would take Prince at any point. I mean the

13:04

things you would get into with Prince I

13:07

mean it would be it every day would be a

13:09

sexual adventure This is

13:11

true heresy, and I'm

13:13

ashamed of myself, and I don't think I'm right

13:15

I Don't

13:18

understand Prince oh Okay,

13:21

well I'm not proud of that How

13:25

much of Prince have you listened to I Not

13:29

a ton okay, but partly because when I

13:31

have I'm I have a Frightening

13:34

feeling of incomprehension well there's I mean

13:36

first of all there is so much

13:39

I mean he was producing music from the 70s until

13:43

eight years ago and Once

13:45

we get into the 90s and thousands it

13:47

gets a lot spottier So there's some I

13:49

think it's hard it's hard to penetrate his

13:51

catalog But what what sort

13:53

of music do you listen to I like that

13:55

song he did about one two? Princes will destroy

13:58

you it's what I said. I don't know

14:00

this a lot of a graphical I think

14:02

what is that it's about a rich guy

14:04

and then there's a poor guy and they're

14:06

both fighting for the love of the same

14:09

woman what I have no

14:11

idea what you're talking about one

14:13

two princes will destroy you singing the spin

14:15

doctors I'm thinking about spin doctors this morning but

14:18

I assume that that was ghost written by Prince

14:20

yeah of course it's about you know he

14:22

was kind of a ghost writer if he

14:24

had true yeah he wrote a lot of songs

14:26

that he would just give to friends under

14:29

a different like a name like Christopher Smith or

14:31

something under the name Paul Simon but

14:34

he wrote all

14:37

of Graceland I

14:40

remember hearing that Bruce Springsteen wrote Hungry Heart

14:42

for the Ramones which I don't know if

14:44

that's all I don't believe that for one

14:46

second I like to tell why do you

14:48

know what you need to do the album

14:50

that got me into Prince's Dirty Mind it's

14:53

like it's a little bit

14:55

more it's more bare-bones sounds

14:57

a bit fresh it's to

14:59

be honest it's Prince getting

15:01

fresh for once in his

15:03

life the song when you were mine is

15:06

one of the all-time great songs listen to

15:08

that one that's the one that'll get you

15:10

into it don't break your heart it

15:13

sounds like he might have taken that from Bruno Mars

15:15

I should have brought you flowers so

15:18

if he's plagiarizing Bruno Mars I don't want

15:20

to support that well who I mean the

15:23

significance of Bruno Mars on music

15:25

I mean the impacts he's had

15:28

on artists from in every genre

15:30

cannot be a Miles Davis of

15:32

music I've always said that about

15:34

Bruno I've

15:36

always you know Bruno Mars for I

15:38

mean I think he's impacted me in

15:41

other ways too just in daily life

15:44

spiritually he's a very I

15:46

mean there are people who

15:48

seem and I'm sure this

15:50

isn't true because he's

15:52

a person just like everyone else there

15:54

are people who seem so like luminously

15:57

untroubled In their

15:59

public persona. Really need

16:01

a seem healthy

16:03

happy together. You

16:06

know, and and they don't reek of

16:08

that kind of sociopathic ambition even though

16:10

they somehow created empires or themselves, right?

16:13

And I guess I think I'm not

16:15

that familiar through numbers, but in my

16:17

head, he sort of falls into that

16:19

category. I've never heard a Bird Omar

16:22

song from beginning to end. Not.

16:24

Once because you're trying so hard by the

16:27

middle I have drowned out by sobbing among

16:29

us a lot of effort on earth. As

16:31

I said listen to another minute of saw

16:33

what I say they gray I said about

16:36

you feel I should have by if I

16:38

were brought brought well I made him and

16:40

either way works. What? Are younger

16:42

low you flowers really annoying one. Ah,

16:46

I think that I literally only know that one

16:48

Bruno Mars saw a funnel is what's the really

16:50

annoying one. Ah, Make us

16:53

a lot. Of

16:55

just the way you are. Ah man

16:57

is what is more. Vegas, a

16:59

number. Kind. Of a lot

17:01

that I have than. Twenty yards a magic

17:04

actually do like our do not gotten

17:06

to the one I know. Who

17:08

not? I'm just looking all these others uptown.

17:10

funk. Uptown Funk. Hearing about our Funky

17:13

that? The one that I'm thinking about

17:15

Arb and Uptown Funk of courses, the

17:17

one that's impacted generations. Not many people

17:19

bought the single, but the ones that

17:22

did every what they say is, everyone

17:24

who bought that single became a abeyance.

17:27

The That influential. I believe that this

17:30

isn't about Bruno Mars. this. Way.

17:33

to meditate to talk to you about

17:35

one little things look we tend to

17:37

fixate on things that are out of

17:40

our control them in it's just my

17:42

entire existence but what if we channel

17:44

that energy elsewhere like skincare which is

17:46

very much in our control apostrophe is

17:49

here to simplify the process of finding

17:51

a dermatology team and treatment plan that's

17:53

right for you apostrophe is an online

17:56

platform that connect you with an expert

17:58

team to build a customized plan

18:00

for your unique skin. To

18:03

get started, you go to their website, you

18:05

fill out a simple online consultation, and

18:08

you tell them about your skin goals,

18:10

your medical history, and you send a

18:12

few reference photos. In turn, they send

18:14

you the solutions you need. They send

18:16

you over-the-counter options or prescription treatments right

18:18

to your door. It's incredible. Look, I

18:20

told them that I basically have the

18:22

same complexion as Dracula and they were

18:24

on it. They sent me all kinds

18:27

of things, including the sunscreen that I

18:29

love. I feel so spoiled. I'm going

18:31

to be looking youthful for decades. It's

18:33

gonna save me. Apostrophe has

18:35

shared a special deal for my listeners.

18:37

Get your first visit for only $5

18:40

at apostrophe.com/no gifts when you

18:43

use my code NOGIFTS. That's

18:45

a savings of $15. This

18:49

code is only available to

18:52

listeners. To get started, just

18:54

go to apostrophe.com/no gifts and

18:56

click get started. Then use

18:59

my code NOGIFTS at sign up and

19:01

you'll get your first visit for only $5. Thank you apostrophe

19:05

for sponsoring this episode. Now,

19:10

okay, so David Bowie, Prince, those

19:12

are people who put like in

19:14

terms of deep cuts, reanimated

19:17

celebrities that you would like to

19:19

possess. Reanimated celebrities, okay. I have

19:21

to think of one celebrity. There

19:23

simply must be, actually I can

19:25

think of a celebrity

19:27

that is alive that I wouldn't mind bringing

19:30

home, Diane Wiest. Oh

19:32

wow, what a good choice. I would love to

19:34

have her around the house. Yes,

19:37

because I feel that like she would be

19:39

a good barrier between despair and arrogance. In

19:41

other words, if you got too low, Diane

19:43

Wiest would intervene and if you got too

19:45

high, Diane Wiest would intervene. She would have

19:48

cut you down. But not in a way,

19:50

she would be like a trimming, she'd trim

19:52

your tree. She wouldn't lumberjack you. It

19:56

would feel healthy and it'd be like, okay, I'm going to

19:59

be the

20:01

same person but better. Right. She's

20:03

at an age that you could probably, you know,

20:05

help her out. You would feel like you were helping

20:07

each other. I once, when

20:10

I first, I'm bringing my dog up a lot, when I

20:12

first got my dog, I was

20:14

talking to my therapist about it, about

20:16

getting him my dog. And

20:19

I said, well, you know, they want

20:21

us to foster him first, but who are

20:23

we kidding? But I don't know, you know,

20:25

it's like I'm gonna keep him, there's no

20:27

way I'm gonna give him back. But they

20:29

want us to foster. And she looked at

20:31

me in the eyes and she went, everything's

20:33

a foster. Oh. And I was like, wow,

20:35

that's right. Like you don't get to keep

20:37

anything. And I feel

20:39

like that's like something I can easily imagine coming out

20:41

of Diane Least's mouth. You know

20:43

what I mean? Completely. Kind of a

20:46

whisper. Yeah. Everything's a foster. Everything's a

20:48

foster. I love her voice. She's beautiful

20:50

in every way that a person can

20:52

be beautiful. Did we ever get to

20:54

you with a celebrity? Weirdly,

21:00

the first one that came to my head,

21:02

and I wouldn't want to possess her, but

21:04

I would want her company is Olympia Dukakis.

21:07

Oh, fantastic. Right? Excellent choice. Yeah.

21:09

I just re-watched Moonstruck and I

21:11

was like, that woman is... Incredible.

21:15

Irresistible. So

21:17

that's one. I think another one

21:20

would be, I'm

21:23

trying to think, oh fuck, oh

21:25

fuck, oh fuck. It's hard. It's

21:27

really hard. Anytime you're asked to

21:29

recall information, the brain shuts down.

21:31

I don't know why that is.

21:34

Jimmy Carter? Jimmy Carter. We love Jimmy

21:36

Carter. Yeah. Sweet Jimmy Carter. Good man.

21:40

Wow. Well, as much as,

21:42

I mean, we're clearly making excellent conversation out of

21:45

just trying to think of a

21:47

person. You and I

21:49

can't recall a person. I mean, me

21:52

especially, it's just, I

21:54

barely know the two names of the people

21:56

present with me right now. I'm just blanking

21:58

on everything. So, we're... going to move

22:00

on from this subject because there's something more important

22:02

I need to talk to you about. I

22:05

was happy to have you on the podcast.

22:07

I was excited. I'll say I was excited.

22:10

Me too. That's wonderful. There's no chance anything

22:12

could possibly go wrong. And

22:15

so, you know, I've been doing this

22:17

podcast for a while. Most episodes go

22:19

okay. So I was a little surprised.

22:24

The podcast is called I Said No Gifts.

22:26

It's a little, I don't even know

22:28

that I'd say that I was a little surprised. I would

22:30

say I was floored. I was shocked. When

22:32

you came trotting into my

22:34

backyard holding this gorgeous shimmering

22:38

pink bag, which, and

22:40

I don't want to, I don't

22:42

want to assume, but I'm going to, what, it's

22:45

a gift for me. That's

22:47

right. Thank you

22:50

for describing my walk as a trot. Very

22:52

few people understand my sort of

22:54

equestrian elegance in the way that you obviously

22:56

do. Thank you. I think of myself as

22:58

a dressage horse first and foremost. And

23:00

then secondly, I

23:03

can't help it. I want to

23:05

ruffle people's hair. I want to

23:08

just, I don't want to violate

23:10

their boundaries, but I want to,

23:12

you know, challenge the status quo.

23:15

I'm lawless like that for sure.

23:18

Okay. Yeah. The ruffling the hair, it's kind

23:20

of an uncle energy. And

23:22

I tell you, I was once on

23:24

a train, like this is maybe not,

23:26

this is pretty tangential. I was once on a

23:29

train and a man, this is in

23:31

my younger days, a

23:33

man came up to me and I'm

23:35

like 95% sure he was flirting and

23:37

I was so flattered and

23:41

I'm straight, but

23:43

this guy was so charming.

23:45

And at one point

23:47

I was wearing a tie and when he

23:49

was getting off the train, he did this

23:52

thing where he reached out and

23:54

sort of tugged on my tie a little

23:56

bit. Oh, not a lot. Just like it

23:58

was sort of like half straightening it, half

24:00

giving it like a little tug. And

24:03

I remember thinking, if I wasn't

24:05

straight, I would be falling into

24:07

your arms. It was so- That

24:09

is the most erotic thing a

24:12

person could possibly do. It was

24:14

amazing. It was like tearing, assertive,

24:16

it like sort of, it crossed the

24:19

boundary of strangers and physical distance, but

24:21

it wasn't scary. It was just like,

24:23

you are a master, sir. The

24:26

amount of, yeah, that little bit of caring

24:29

and just wanting you to be better. Yes,

24:31

yes. Also like clearly being like, oh, this

24:33

guy looks good, but he could look better.

24:35

Yes, and I'm gonna like give it a

24:37

little, I don't

24:39

know. I was like swimming. That, I mean, I'm

24:41

lightheaded thinking about that. I get it, me too.

24:43

I wonder how often he's doing that. I mean,

24:46

he's probably imprisoned by now. Yeah, he strangled someone

24:48

with their own tie. I

24:51

think about that a lot, like being in public, I'm

24:53

like, I wonder if I could just ask a stranger

24:55

because they have no bias. I just be

24:57

like, what do you think of my outfit? You can

24:59

say whatever you want because you're not getting that from

25:01

anyone else in your life. No

25:03

one else is gonna give you the cold truth, but if I walk

25:05

up to somebody in the grocery store and just say, rate

25:08

me from A to F, I'm gonna get the

25:10

truth. I do

25:12

tend to think, and this might just

25:15

be my own bias or a sort

25:17

of projected lonesomeness or something. I

25:20

generally think people want to

25:22

connect and that the

25:24

barrier to that is safety. It's feeling like

25:26

this person's gonna hurt me. They're gonna either

25:29

take advantage of me or they're gonna hurt

25:31

my body or they're gonna do something. But

25:33

if you present as someone who is not

25:35

out to cause harm, I

25:39

think people might really take you up on

25:41

the opportunity to have a frank conversation. It's

25:43

worth trying. Maybe try it. What's the worst

25:45

that happened? And people love giving their opinion.

25:47

Yes, that's right. It's like asking, it's a

25:49

miniature survey and the stakes are so low

25:52

for them. Yes. I

25:54

also think if it's like, I like your clothes, although

25:59

that might create. expectation of reciprocity in

26:01

a way that's not really. That's true. Yeah and I

26:03

don't want it. I don't need to give anything back.

26:05

I need your opinion. And I'm gonna walk away. I'm

26:07

not gonna say a thing to you. That's right. It's

26:10

gonna be a cold interaction but you are going

26:12

to help me. That's nice. I've thought about that

26:14

and I think a genuinely good service

26:16

would be a person who comes to your home and

26:18

tells you if it smells or not. Oh

26:20

that's brilliant. Or gets your car. Because you

26:22

know you when you live in a house or you're in your car

26:25

you're used to these things and you don't know if it smells

26:27

bad. But for somebody to come over

26:29

I give them $50 and

26:32

they say this place smells horrible.

26:34

Right. Or like determines

26:36

what the smell is. What a great service that

26:38

would be. That's a really good idea. I

26:40

think sometimes if you've been away from your house for a

26:42

few weeks and then you come back and you're like oh

26:45

interesting this is the experience of a stranger

26:47

walking into my house. Yeah and sometimes that

26:49

can be bad. Yeah

26:51

it's startling. Familiar becomes

26:54

slightly off but

26:58

it's like because the

27:00

sense memory is there.

27:02

Right. It's uncanny valley. Have you ever seen one

27:04

of those mirrors that reverses the image? You

27:06

know when you look at a mirror you're seeing the reverse

27:09

image but there are certain mirrors that then reflect the image

27:11

back so you're seeing yourself as others see you. Have you

27:13

ever looked at one of them? It's a mirror? Yeah.

27:16

How does that how that feels like it's

27:18

defying physics? I think it's like

27:20

reflects the image off of several

27:22

different planes to arrive back at.

27:25

I mean but when you do see yourself

27:28

what is that the

27:30

other flipped around? Yeah. Terrifying.

27:34

It's a little I used to talk to an

27:36

ex of mine and say I think the scariest

27:38

thing would be to wake up next to you

27:40

and not find a different person there but to

27:42

find you but your eyes are slightly further apart

27:44

or like your nose is like half an inch

27:46

longer or like just you

27:49

but plus some undeniable

27:51

thing that can't be accounted for

27:53

that to me just seems like

27:55

a nightmare. Yeah Because there's

27:58

nothing you can do about it. And then you're thinking.

28:00

The about it constantly and you have the

28:02

memory of the old you ended. It's an

28:04

imposter. Your. Now living with an

28:06

imposter, I guess? so. If you my

28:08

friends began tv show about this very thing know

28:11

you're kidding. no yeah he i think he has

28:13

but but it's a very scary thought. Very.

28:15

Very scary because the trust is broken. I

28:18

remember when I was in summer camp is

28:21

a little kid someone said to me what

28:23

if what I see when I say green

28:25

is what you your green is my

28:27

read and write language prevents us from and

28:30

it threw me into a depression. I remember

28:32

walking around de camp at some more into

28:34

still school like in between swift swim

28:36

classes. I was like a little charge of

28:38

him Woody Allen movie or something says just

28:41

being like oh fuck like language is like

28:43

were asi load in our own language

28:45

since present. Such as far as assessing the

28:47

kids go. Through yeah I remember going to

28:50

this thing like oh what is the i

28:52

mean it we just cannot express to another

28:54

person what my reality is. What if we

28:56

think it's the same sex as an ib

28:58

that just explodes everything in your world? What

29:01

do you think? This is where I feel

29:03

like the most sure fire way I know

29:05

to tunnel under all of the barriers I

29:07

think is like off in it might sound

29:10

pretentious but I really do feel this way

29:12

is like art. Physical.

29:14

Touch. And

29:17

then like certain kind of conversations that

29:19

aren't necessarily even about what you're saying

29:21

explicitly best much as the sort of

29:23

energetic loop that exists and to view

29:25

at like isolator. so few ways to

29:27

be able to like, get through all

29:29

the shrubbery to the other person. Like

29:32

for you, Like for me. So I

29:34

think a lot of my most intimate

29:36

experiences have been in audiences or or

29:38

as an audience member. Yeah, because it's

29:40

be it because I feel so close

29:42

to these people I've never even met

29:44

them. Warns prices so profoundly understood and

29:46

understanding. Of right or. Or

29:49

sometimes if I make something to evident than

29:51

I can feel that same thing if I

29:53

feel like of adequately express some inexpressible things

29:56

do feel like with for you like where

29:58

do you feel like the can is. Credit

30:01

for Berkman all fall down in your

30:03

life Where things are. It feels like

30:05

a purely communicating with another person. Yeah,

30:07

we're we're That language barrier. Even when

30:09

you're speaking the same language right to

30:11

pay so little bit you feel like

30:13

oh I know this person. This person

30:15

knows me. I think it's when I

30:17

wonder is when I don't like the

30:19

taste of something and they also don't.

30:22

I basically I'm always looking success.

30:25

I'm always looking for ah people

30:27

do basically with somebody else. doesn't

30:29

like the same. Thing as me. Yes,

30:32

sets were not. especially when it's I mean

30:34

this happens a lot recently actually because there's

30:36

so much on the internet, there's so much

30:38

hype about everything and everything is the second

30:40

coming of whatever. And then you go and

30:42

experience and you're like oh at am I

30:44

an alien I don't I did not have

30:47

added. You meet a friend and you quietly

30:49

talk about it and you have the same.

30:51

It's like oh my God. So of case

30:53

I feel you I'd like you and at

30:55

least our reality as is. Even if these.

30:58

Huge one doesn't. Fit.

31:01

For us, it's true. It's such a relief

31:03

because it can feel so isolating to be

31:05

on the outside of a consensus that can

31:07

feel so weird to fall alien especially among

31:10

people who you love and respect and is.

31:12

And they're all in agreement and you're just

31:14

thinking. What is wrong with

31:16

me? I always think it's interesting. What

31:18

we've collectively decided is Fun Lake Lake

31:20

Lake I was as this a near

31:23

the I guess it was like the

31:25

Staples Center something in this. Like all

31:27

this house lights, these lights are so

31:29

crazy and sounds everywhere and it's like

31:31

are you go to Vegas or like

31:33

or someplace like that and you're like

31:35

This is what we've all as like

31:37

a global. Economy

31:39

decided his funds and to me

31:42

it just feels like how hours

31:44

to complete our Las Vegas All

31:46

my God. I mean I I

31:48

can last half an hour before

31:50

my body's screaming. Etc.

31:53

Just as a you are screaming says that and

31:55

I mean I was in New York last weekend

31:57

of as I had to walk through times. There

32:00

are a few times and it's the exact same thing. Was

32:02

just like. Who is

32:04

getting anything out of this experience is

32:06

it's sights. Yeah, it's interesting. I guess

32:08

I'm my own life to to Maybe

32:10

it's like mistaking. Numbness.

32:13

For fun Like sometimes I guess I'm I

32:15

almost in different ways. I will sort of.

32:18

Make. Myself now I'm and think of

32:20

it as recreational you know and I

32:22

have rights right up and or the

32:24

eating the pies or the whatever it's

32:26

like it's highly stimulating and that is

32:28

releasing and then so I think a

32:30

sort of categorizes on in my brain

32:33

but the truth is is just about

32:35

kind of com I ng my specific

32:37

it's very much like pushing down on

32:39

the wound yeah harrys just like holding

32:41

it so the pain is right, different

32:43

that less. This is my

32:45

entire life. At this point I'm your ideal a bother me because

32:47

of it's oh I don't know. That I could experience

32:49

fun anymore. I don't know that that's a thing,

32:51

but when it had the rare time that it

32:54

does happen. I. Mean I'm describing depressants.

32:56

ah but it wouldn't Does happen of

32:58

what of release when you're like oh

33:00

my god I can laugh at something.

33:02

Something can still make me laugh. Or

33:04

saw Godzilla recently are there is great

33:06

and not expect the movie to I

33:09

was jumping in my since I was

33:11

scared of Godzilla off I couldn't believe

33:13

that. So is there to see times

33:15

from like oh I'm not completely numb

33:17

to everything. My father worked at a

33:19

mental hospital when he was in his

33:21

twenties and he said this is back

33:23

when there is less oversight. Or maybe

33:26

they're still not oversight. But anyway, it was

33:28

in, I think New Hampshire. and

33:30

he said he was didn't have a degree

33:33

of the span of it uses like an

33:35

orderly and he took the most oppressive cases

33:37

the people who are really struggling and

33:39

loaded them all into a van and drove

33:41

to an airport i think was in vermont

33:44

where there was one of those landing strips

33:46

where the planes com like screaming down right

33:48

above a military and they send parser man

33:51

and he had all of them get

33:53

out and lie on top of the van

33:55

and on the hood and then they just

33:57

lay there while these planes came with Like

34:02

over top of them and he said by

34:04

the time they left these people who were

34:06

like catatonically depressed were like Bouncing

34:08

off the wall. They were so like hyped up.

34:10

It's like they were scared of Godzilla It was

34:12

like they were just like oh Like

34:15

they felt alive again, of course because it didn't feel

34:17

like all of their nerve endings were burnt off, right?

34:20

Right. I think that's right Wow. I mean

34:22

God bless putting them all all of these

34:24

lives in danger Yeah,

34:27

yeah, but I think also like another thing

34:29

about that is like I have a friend

34:31

who's an acting teacher who like really kind

34:33

Of helped me learn about acting a lot

34:35

named Anya Saffir who I adore and

34:37

she we were talking about crying like in scenes Where you

34:40

have to cry or whatever She

34:42

was like something I tell my students a

34:44

lot because she would teach college kids to

34:46

she said is that I think if you

34:48

could Remove all the social conditioning and repression

34:50

and whatever else. She's like underneath all of

34:52

that. I think most people are Always

34:56

underneath that on the verge of laughing or crying

34:58

Oh, wow, you're always sort of like hovering on

35:00

the precipice of one of those things, right? I

35:02

was like, I don't know if that's true or

35:04

not, but I found it. I thought about it

35:07

a lot since then I Can

35:09

believe that I mean we're not we can't get into it

35:11

right now because I will start crying But that's about a

35:14

month ago. I was that we're no two months ago I

35:16

was at a stop line like I haven't cried in a

35:18

while. What about that feels like and Then

35:21

my dog died like

35:23

last week and But

35:25

it was about a month long thing and we will not talk about

35:27

this because I'll start crying But oh, I'm

35:29

I'm definitely able to cry and it's I

35:32

mean of what an experience what a horrible feeling It's

35:35

crazy But I think

35:38

that that is always there and I guess

35:40

it's a good thing. It's there Yeah,

35:43

I mean I think it's First

35:45

of all, I get it if you don't want to

35:48

talk about something so gutting on your yeah, we can't

35:50

we can't Cry

35:52

on this podcast. It's simply not

35:54

a thing about you do but then again,

35:56

there's no gifts allowed either Well,

36:00

I was gonna say about that is just like and we

36:02

and obviously your pockets you'll cut it out if you want

36:04

but I just think I Really

36:08

hate it when there's sort of Unanswerably painful

36:10

things like the loss of a loved one

36:12

like a dog and people try to shove

36:14

their silver lining down your throat To make

36:16

them feel better, huh? Someone

36:19

did say something to me that I was like Where

36:22

it's like the pain you experience is

36:24

proportional to the love that you felt

36:26

for the creature and

36:29

my friend who lost his dog said this thing that like Made

36:32

me cry where he was like buy the ticket take

36:34

the ride and I was like,

36:36

oh boy That's that's what it

36:38

is. I mean, I yeah, I

36:40

mean like I've never really grieved for I mean

36:42

I've had grandparents die that sort of thing where

36:45

it felt like it was time or almost time

36:47

But for this is the first time as an

36:49

adult that this has happened to me And I

36:51

mean, it's just the most gutting feeling but

36:54

I've like I've been kind of having realizations

36:56

about all of this And what

36:58

I kind of tried to frame it as is

37:00

just it's the compression of all of that joy

37:02

The nine years of joy I

37:04

had is just suddenly being pushed through a into

37:07

a small thing that I get to keep and

37:09

of course That's gonna be painful. It's it's

37:11

just like all of that is just getting crushed

37:14

into a thing that I get to keep but in the

37:17

Process that's going to

37:19

be horrible and it has been but

37:22

what a wonderful little gift that Edie

37:24

gave to me and my boyfriend. Yeah

37:27

not not a fun experience and Totally

37:29

worth it. Of course. I would do it a million times again

37:33

to have her but It's

37:37

not I Think

37:39

I've never heard it described that way It's

37:41

almost like when like people take their blankets

37:43

from the winter and shrink them down into

37:45

the little like this is like Are you

37:47

said something very beautiful and poetic and now

37:49

I'm framing it in terms of the container

37:51

store but I think that that idea of

37:53

like a resizing of It's

37:55

like the amount of love the

37:57

magnitude of love doesn't change but the kind

37:59

of Packaging is shrunk to the past

38:01

or something right? It's like a complicated I

38:04

know I know what you mean and I

38:06

I Remember talking to

38:08

somebody once who was like studied protracted grief

38:10

like whatever the fuck that is like he

38:12

was like Oh, no, no, no,

38:14

no, it was this his girlfriend studied like a Pathological

38:17

grief which I guess is grief that extends

38:19

endlessly right isn't that all grief? I feel

38:21

I mean there's it's an endless well Right.

38:24

Yeah, but I guess one thing he

38:26

said that I thought was interesting that he was quoting

38:28

her I didn't meet her but she was that often

38:30

people who grieve Intensely

38:32

for a long time the grief

38:35

occupies the vacancy that

38:37

the Person or dog or

38:39

whatever left so right rather than just

38:41

have this sort of cavity The

38:44

act of grieving takes up some of the emotional

38:46

real estate where all of that Engagement

38:48

and love and everything used to be that

38:50

makes perfect sense. Yeah, I thought it was

38:53

like helpful and interesting Wow

38:56

Anyway, I'm really sorry you're going through it.

38:58

It's okay. Let's talk about these people shrinking

39:00

blankets They shrink

39:02

them for convenience. They shrink them down. I

39:04

mean you can get it's basically vacuum bags.

39:06

It's like Like

39:08

putting them through the wash. No, that would

39:11

be I mean, I was like, oh, so they're ruining up

39:13

the thing They own so they could save space Okay,

39:18

good for them, you know at

39:20

the end of every winter you smash all your plays

39:22

I Don't have the space Simply

39:24

not the space we've got to destroy these things

39:26

to a hot to have these plates Okay,

39:32

well this is I mean the way you've distracted from the get sorry,

39:34

I mean you throw I mean you've taken us through a loop I

39:36

we're running out of time here. We should open the get let's open

39:39

the gift. Let's get into this gift Shipping

39:46

can make or break a sale. So optimize how you ship your orders

39:48

with ship station They make it easy to automate and manage orders no

39:50

matter how big your business grows and they might even be

39:53

able to help reduce shipping and warehouse So

40:01

optimize and keep up your momentum

40:03

for growth with ShipStation. Sign

40:05

up for your free 60-day trial now

40:07

at shipstation.com and use the code POD.

40:10

That's shipstation.com with the code

40:12

POD. I'm

40:15

pulling out. It requires explanation.

40:18

Okay, so what I'm seeing so far is it's

40:20

like a little book or journal that says children

40:22

on it. Now, I

40:24

understand to the listeners one grown man giving

40:26

another grown man a book, which

40:29

has just a brown cover that says

40:31

children on it when the conversation started

40:33

with kidnapping, does not bode particularly well.

40:35

What is the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

40:37

character? Is it a child snatcher or

40:39

something? Yeah, I promise to not be

40:41

that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character. That

40:43

is not the intent or content of

40:45

this gift. But if it's raising alarm

40:47

bells for you as you're listening,

40:49

I understand. But don't worry,

40:51

it'll be okay. What is this? This

40:54

is a book of famous historical figures when

40:56

they were little kids. Oh my God! And

40:59

it's a mix. It'd be like Neil

41:02

Armstrong and Osama bin Laden. And

41:04

the name of the kid is on the next page. So

41:06

you can look and be like, who is that? I think

41:09

that's Winston Churchill. And then you turn the page and you

41:11

find out if you were right or wrong. But

41:13

you get to see Oppenheimer

41:15

or I think Manson's in

41:17

there. Oh boy. But then

41:19

also musicians like Louis Armstrong.

41:21

Okay, right. So it's like

41:23

just seeing all these people who had this outsize

41:26

kind of effect on the world, as

41:29

you described Bruno Mars, for example. But before

41:31

they were any of the things that they

41:33

would be known for. Right. And

41:36

before you describe it to me, I flipped open the book

41:38

and it said Mick Jagger on the page. And I looked

41:40

at the... Not knowing how it worked, I looked at this

41:42

photo. It's kind of

41:44

like Russian. It's probably Chekhov or something. It's just

41:46

like very Russian family from the 1900s or 19th

41:49

century. Oh,

41:51

I don't know who this is. Yeah, that's the

41:53

other thing. It'll make you feel dumb because

41:55

some of the people you... Charles Edouard Généry.

41:58

Yeah, I don't know. In 1967 to 1965. I

42:01

do first. Did you look at the real Mick

42:03

Jagger picture? Yeah, I should look at

42:05

it. Let's see here. Okay, there's the

42:07

Mick Jagger. What a beauty. No one loves.

42:10

The teeth are there. Yeah. The teeth were ready

42:12

to go. And so is the cunning in

42:14

his eyes. Oh, yeah. He's ready to

42:16

like take over the world. He's ready to play

42:18

Wembley. Do they ever play Wembley? Oh, I hope

42:20

so. Or, I mean, what were they doing? What

42:22

were they doing? What could they have possibly been?

42:24

Okay, well, tell me why you brought this. This

42:26

is so beautiful. I think it's a

42:28

beautiful book. And I think... Oh, Osama

42:31

bin Laden. Okay. There he is. It's

42:34

so sad to look at it. It'll say which

42:36

one's him. But there's the bin

42:38

Laden family all together having a good time.

42:41

It's so weird. Wow. Yeah. I

42:43

mean, they look like the Partridge family or something. Yeah. Isn't

42:46

it strange? They're Westernized too. It's not

42:49

like a... But I think... I guess

42:51

I was just trying to think since we've

42:53

never met something that I felt like reflected

42:56

stuff I'm... Oh, shit. If you

42:58

open the front cover, the whole book is black and

43:00

white, but no, no, no. Just the jacket part. It

43:02

matches your outfit. Oh, it kind of does. Look how

43:04

nice that is. Look at that. And the background. Oh,

43:06

this is beautiful. But I was going to say, I

43:08

think it reflects my... What

43:13

I hope to hold

43:15

in my head whenever I'm meeting

43:17

anyone or being met by someone,

43:19

which usually happens at the same time, is

43:23

just the kind of like delicate,

43:25

vulnerable, and respectful

43:28

thing, especially if like a podcast. I don't do

43:30

that many podcasts, partly because I feel shy and

43:33

partly because I feel like I'm

43:36

not sure which version of myself I'm supposed

43:38

to bring. It's an interesting thing who you

43:40

become on a podcast. Right. It's

43:42

like you, but just like slightly

43:44

cocaine-ed. Like,

43:47

this is the person I wish I could be all the

43:49

time, that I can think of things to talk about. And

43:51

then in public, I'm like, everything I say is two words

43:53

long and I can barely communicate with people. And the only

43:55

thing you take away is you just have to start doing

43:57

a little bit of cocaine all the time. the

44:00

reason I don't do cocaine is because I need it and

44:03

it will ruin me. I

44:07

think, yeah, so it's just trying to

44:09

something I'm trying to do with varying

44:12

results is it's funny like when I did

44:14

press in the past for for like TV

44:17

shows that came out, I again talked to

44:19

my therapist, I was like, man, I feel

44:21

like such a whore. I just feel like

44:23

no disrespect to sex workers, but I felt

44:25

like a whore like an old trumpet. And

44:28

it's just like I go out and I

44:31

do myself deprecating story. And I'm just such

44:33

a putz. But she's and I

44:35

don't know how to not feel

44:37

like a dirty little like, I

44:39

don't know sales boy, right? And and she said

44:42

this thing I thought was so great. She was

44:44

like, when you go out onto one of these

44:46

shows, just like sit down and look at

44:48

the host in the eye with just now we're

44:50

looking at each other's the strongest eye contact

44:52

two people could possibly have. Well,

44:55

there's no getting away from it. She said try

44:57

and find something lovable about them. Because then you

44:59

can have a moment of human warmth that

45:01

exists on television. And it's not

45:04

gonna change the world, but it'll be a nice

45:06

little moment. And I and I think not

45:09

allowing the noise of my own self

45:11

consciousness or the situation to drown out

45:14

the kind of little kid versions of

45:16

me or other people is something I try to do.

45:19

In this case, it's very easy because you guys are

45:21

so lovely. And it's a beautiful day. And we're having

45:23

this really nice conversation. But then sometimes it'll be in

45:25

a situation where it's, it's a

45:27

real kind of Olympic feat to not

45:29

become a shrieky nightmare

45:32

version of yourself. And that's kind

45:34

of what you're known as shrieking

45:36

nightmare. I'm

45:39

having lunch with one moon. You're

45:44

the last person that's having lunch with less

45:46

moon. Our table at the polo lounge is

45:49

occupied and I'm going to throw a fit.

45:55

No, I understand that. And I also think I

45:57

mean, podcasts are a little different because they can

46:00

be more organic. When you go on a late

46:02

night show or whatever, you've got four minutes in

46:04

front of a weird audience that's been standing outside

46:06

of In Times Square or Hollywood

46:08

Boulevard that you're like,

46:11

who am I entertaining here? Why are any of us

46:13

here? Right. If you're

46:15

lucky, they think you're Zach Braff and they

46:17

give you some of his goodwill. And

46:21

it's pre-interviews too. That's the other thing that's so

46:23

fascinating. It's like the pre-interview thing where you sort

46:25

of vet stories in advance. Do

46:28

the exact thing that's going to happen with

46:30

the host. Right. But you're speaking

46:32

with the producer first. Fascinating

46:34

thing. It's an

46:37

interesting thing. I remember I never read this

46:39

book because I'm too lazy, but there's a

46:41

George Saunders book about writing. My friend Brandon

46:43

Gardner, who I write everything we work on

46:45

together with, he told me that

46:48

George Saunders says that

46:50

if you're outlining, like for

46:53

a writer, it's almost like if you went

46:55

on a date with index cards, with things that you were

46:57

going to say on the date. Oh. Where

46:59

it cuts you off from the present moment

47:01

so that you're not actually in a flow.

47:03

You're just like holding fast to your little

47:05

social life preserver. Right.

47:08

And I think a pre-interview is a little bit

47:11

like that where it's like, okay, now I say

47:13

this instead of just being like, what's going to

47:15

happen? You're right. I mean, it's literally there on

47:17

cards in front of a host. Yes. Yes. Yeah,

47:20

you're right. It actually is on cards. Yeah.

47:23

Yeah. I feel like Leslie and I

47:25

chose Need to Get Away From It. Let's get back

47:27

to like those 70s interviews where it's just beginning

47:30

to end one conversation with a person. That's

47:32

a great idea. Those little Dick Cavett shows.

47:35

Oh, incredible. So good. Yeah.

47:38

We've got to play a game. Let's play a game. I would

47:40

keep you here all day, but you know. This is fun. I'm

47:42

having a nice time. Thank you for having me. I'm having a

47:44

wonderful time. Thank you for being here. New

47:46

year. Let's play. Let's start with Gifter a Curse.

47:49

I need a number between one and 10 from you. Okay.

47:52

I have to do some light calculating. While

47:54

I do this, you can recommend, promote, do

47:57

whatever you want. I'll be right back. So,

47:59

Brandon and I... Brandon the guy was just talking

48:01

about it made this stop-motion show

48:03

with Mike judge called in the know

48:05

and it takes place in an NPR

48:07

studio and it's made with these crazy

48:09

beautiful stop-motion puppets that were made by

48:11

the same people who did Guillermo del

48:13

Toro's Pinocchio and what's crazy

48:15

about stop-motion is like each character

48:18

is played by The

48:20

person who voices them and then like 30 people

48:23

all make each person come alive

48:25

So you see little pieces of each of

48:27

their personalities in each of the puppets? And

48:30

I think something that I like about stories

48:32

is that sometimes they can show that people

48:35

are more than one thing That

48:37

they're not just one identity or one I'm

48:40

making this sound so heavy and it's like a

48:42

goofy show about NPR and like has a lot

48:44

of dick jokes and stuff So but anyway, it's

48:47

a there's all these characters that have been done

48:49

by all these puppeteers who are geniuses And I

48:51

think it's I think it's a hopefully a warm

48:53

show and funny and so I hope people

48:55

watch it It looks delightful and any

48:58

animation that's not CGI I'm on

49:00

board with yeah When

49:02

it feels at least like humans were involved

49:05

for part of the experience. It's always refreshing

49:07

Yeah, it's not like a screensaver made by

49:09

an AI right? Yeah,

49:12

and it's on january 25th. It's going to

49:14

be on peacock peacock been watching the traders

49:16

on peacock. So i've got my Subscription

49:19

is that what we're calling these things? I was

49:22

a prescription. Yeah, but that's because I have gave

49:24

you a peacock account

49:27

Beautiful everyone go watch that my

49:30

recommendation this week I mean we

49:32

talked about this already so I might as well

49:34

say there's a song called on and on by

49:36

long pigs It's such a wonderful song old song

49:38

if you want to just be devastated go listen to this

49:41

song and long pick I think is this was that

49:43

a slang for human right? They would call it long true

49:46

Someone told me that that it was like long pig.

49:48

I Don't know where

49:50

I heard that from but I remember hearing that

49:52

they call humans or maybe it's like dead humans

49:54

They called humans who else is who's calling the

49:56

constable? Okay,

50:00

this is how we play gift or a curse. I'm

50:03

gonna name three things. You're gonna tell me if they

50:05

are a gift or a curse and why. And

50:07

then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong. Because there are

50:09

correct answers. Alright, number one,

50:11

this is from a listener named Parker.

50:13

Gift or a curse? People who say

50:16

goose pimples or goose flesh instead of

50:18

goose bumps. Curse. Why? Because

50:21

the morbid fascination with acne

50:23

has to stop. Dr.

50:26

Pimple Pumper. All this fucking stuff. To

50:28

me it's like one rung

50:31

below snuff films. I

50:33

would prefer you watch old 16 millimeter

50:36

of people being killed, thrill

50:40

killed, than watch that

50:42

shit. It's subhuman. Excellent

50:47

beginning to the game. Both of those are disgusting

50:49

ways to describe it. I don't need those images

50:51

in my head. And

50:53

yeah, I really would rather watch somebody be

50:56

stabbed to death than watch a pimple get

50:58

exploded. No thank you. No thank you. Take

51:00

it away. No thank you. Excellently

51:03

played. Number two, this is

51:05

from a listener named Rebecca. Gift or a curse?

51:07

Introducing two of your friends from

51:10

different circles and later discovering they've

51:12

become quite close and hang out

51:14

often. Well

51:17

this presupposes that you have more than one

51:19

friend, which puts me out

51:21

of contention. It's huge. I

51:24

can't. I think it's a gift.

51:27

I think it's definitely a gift that could

51:30

feel like a curse depending on how fragile

51:32

you are in any given moment. It's

51:35

beautiful when people love each other

51:38

and you want people to connect,

51:40

especially people you adore. But

51:42

if you're feeling like a negligible little

51:44

scrap or an unlovable goblin

51:46

person, then you might have abandonment anxieties

51:49

that are activated by two people who

51:51

you know to be beautiful pairing up

51:53

without you. Oh Zach, wrong. It's

51:58

a curse? What a

52:00

betrayal. Now you're better friends than

52:02

we are. What's happening to it? I

52:05

set this thing, I didn't mean to set this thing up,

52:07

and now suddenly you're just doing things in the shadows

52:10

without me sanctioning it. You know

52:12

what? No, no, no. Unless I

52:14

say I'm setting you two up as friends. Yes. That's

52:17

a different story. But if we're just, you know,

52:19

we kind of mush together and then suddenly you're

52:21

out to dinner with these people and I didn't

52:23

get invited. What

52:25

is wrong with those perverts? Oh,

52:28

absolutely sick. It's disgusting. They're sick

52:30

people. It's perverted behavior. And

52:33

although I actually did this to a friend.

52:37

Well, then we all have our demons. I

52:39

like my, you know, I like to dip my toe in

52:41

perversion. And so I'm okay to do

52:43

it. But curse. So you

52:46

do lose the point. Okay, I apologize. And we hate to see

52:48

it. Yeah, I hate to see it. Number three, this is from

52:50

a listener named Mark. Gift or a curse? Lottery

52:53

tickets as gifts. Curse.

52:57

Why? Didn't

53:00

say I think I heard someone say that lottery

53:02

tickets are a tax on hope. And

53:05

who wants to give your friend

53:08

a tax of

53:11

any kind, let alone one on hope as a

53:13

gift. It's also like both. You're

53:16

probably statistically you're probably gifting

53:18

disappointment. And at best

53:20

you're gifting the least personal gift card

53:22

that could possibly exist. At least get

53:24

them like a gift card to Outback

53:27

or something. But don't be like, hey,

53:29

this is probably worth less than nothing.

53:32

But also if it is something, it will

53:34

be totally anonymous.

53:38

So correct. Thank you. Total

53:41

curse. Yeah, it's either worthless. This is what a

53:43

lottery ticket is. It's either worthless or

53:45

it's going to ruin my life because

53:48

that's what we know with a lottery. So

53:50

you either want me to win the, you

53:52

know, the mega millions and then suddenly my

53:54

life is falling apart because I don't know

53:57

how to handle that much money or

53:59

I've got a piece of paper that I just have to throw away

54:01

and I've got the little silver dust I

54:04

had to scratch off with my fingernail. You

54:06

know, I never thought about it that

54:08

way because then you're right, you win

54:10

the lottery and then you're like probably

54:12

you become the kidnapping target. Oh, completely.

54:14

Someone wants you. So many people

54:17

want you. I mean, you get to be

54:19

probably you could be on a lottery dream

54:21

home on HGTV, which I've

54:23

consumed a decent amount of. That's

54:26

Joanna Gaines? That is not

54:28

Joanna Gaines. That's a man who I

54:30

don't know his name, heavily tattooed man

54:32

that wears a lot of kind of

54:34

flowy coats and then he helps

54:37

people. Chris Angel? It's Chris

54:39

Angel. Chris Angel has pivoted.

54:41

He is helping people find

54:43

homes. He loves real estate.

54:46

Oh my God, that's a great idea. The ultimate

54:48

mind freak is an affordable mortgage. We

54:52

have got to develop that for Chris. I don't know what

54:54

else he's doing. I don't know, man. We

54:57

probably don't even know the necromancy he's up to

54:59

in the show. You can help people find homes

55:01

in the Vegas area. That's cool. Coosively, Vegas suburbs.

55:03

I would honestly for real watch a show where

55:06

magicians help people find home. Oh my God, are

55:08

you kidding me? That would be

55:10

on, I would just leave that on like one

55:12

of those fish tank screensavers. I

55:14

would just be on my TV all the time. Well,

55:17

you got two out of three. That's not so

55:19

bad. It's really not too bad. Is it 66? It's

55:22

a 66 and that's not an F. And

55:25

so you can go

55:27

to community college and get your grades up and

55:29

then maybe transfer to a different school. You

55:32

can do whatever you want with a 66. There's no

55:34

one stopping you. No. You don't have

55:36

to go to summer school. I refuse.

55:38

You absolutely refuse. Okay,

55:41

this is the final segment of

55:44

the podcast. It's called I Said

55:46

No Emails. People write in to

55:48

I said [email protected] and

55:50

they're desperate for answers. I

55:52

like that. They're overconfident and prescriptive.

55:55

And we're going to need that today because

55:57

let me read this. hello

56:00

Bridger and guest since you

56:02

answer every question perfectly oh that's very

56:05

nice I was hoping you would offer

56:07

you flirt someone's flirting someone wants to

56:09

kiss me stop trying to

56:11

kiss him email is not the way to

56:14

do it stop chasing me around I

56:17

was hoping you would offer your wisdom on the

56:19

situation I found myself in I cannot think of

56:21

anyone more qualified to help me with this okay

56:23

the teasing continues I

56:25

started at a company just three months ago

56:28

and last week my husband oh and

56:30

now there's a husband involved in the

56:32

keel this is I mean the forbidden

56:34

what is more enticing nothing's more enticing

56:36

than me there you go and I

56:38

got that news writer he's results oriented

56:40

so if you're just trying to live

56:43

in a liminal space of provocation look

56:45

out not happening last week my husband

56:47

and I found out we are expecting

56:49

our second child while we are

56:51

excited about this it was unplanned and the

56:53

timing is tricky as I'm still new in

56:55

my position I'm struggling on the timing and

56:57

manner in which I share this news with

57:00

my new boss oh I am also dealing

57:02

with the common symptom of pregnancy illness and

57:04

I'm concerned I will have to tell him sooner rather than

57:06

later due to how ill I've been do

57:09

I schedule a meeting tell him in passing

57:11

not tell him and just call out sick

57:13

for weeks after the birth maybe a gift

57:15

would be appropriate in this situation I anxiously

57:19

am awaiting your response and that's from Hannah

57:22

what does Hannah do pregnant Hannah well

57:24

I will say I do think

57:26

more women should come to me

57:28

for advice about prenatal issues childcare

57:32

as this say childless man

57:35

you're a pro you're

57:37

definitely the guy who should fight

57:41

I'm basically a doula I

57:44

think I think my

57:46

first piece of advice would be to ignore whatever I

57:49

say next and my second

57:51

piece of advice terrifying I guess my

57:55

advice would be she

57:58

wants to know when to tell him and how to tell him,

58:00

right? When and how. And she's been at

58:02

the job for three months. So

58:05

she's still kind of new

58:07

girl in town. Intuitively, I feel like

58:09

it should be someplace quiet where it's just

58:11

the two of them in person. Okay. Intimate.

58:15

No, I'm not saying you have to like, you know,

58:18

just like an office would do, but I

58:21

think just feeling like you can connect. I

58:23

think trying to like toss that off

58:26

in a casual way, if it were

58:28

me and I had something as like vulnerable

58:30

and life altering as that. And I like

58:32

was like, oh, PS, for me,

58:35

it would make me feel a little bit

58:37

like I'd handled myself kind of roughly, right?

58:39

Regardless of that other person's response. So

58:43

we can't control what Keith, her boss

58:45

name is Keith, right? We can't control

58:47

what Keith does. He might react

58:49

very poorly. He might be very supportive. We don't know

58:51

him well enough. It's only been a few months, but

58:53

we know that for Hannah's sake, Hannah

58:55

needs to do Hannah and Hannah needs to

58:57

approach this in a situation that feels like

59:00

it maximizes mental health for Hannah. And

59:02

the baby. Baby, I don't, I'm

59:04

not a fan of that. Who cares about this baby?

59:06

It's created a problem. He, she,

59:09

whatever they, this baby was not

59:11

planned and is an intruder

59:13

in the family. Showed up three months into

59:15

the job and is now, I mean,

59:18

just causing chaos wherever it goes. It's

59:20

undermining you professionally. And I do mean it. It

59:22

wants the job. This

59:25

baby is trying to snake you. I swear to God,

59:27

look on monster.com. And if you see a fetus. It's

59:29

got an incredible profile. It's

59:31

badgering Keith. Look

59:34

at my CV. Is that what that's called?

59:36

Yeah, CV. Yeah. I

59:38

haven't applied for a job in a long time. If you

59:40

hear like an email alert from within your womb, just

59:42

know that that baby just got an email back. A second

59:44

interview with Keith. Yeah, I think

59:47

your advice here is good. I think you

59:49

tell Keith, hope that he fires

59:51

you and then sue him into oblivion. Oh,

59:53

that's beautiful. Take the company down. Yes.

59:56

And she works for UNICEF. That's right. Yes.

1:00:00

It's about time! Come on!

1:00:03

Goodbye, you know! Take them

1:00:05

for all they're worth. When they're done, they

1:00:08

won't have a pot to piss in her. Yeah,

1:00:11

I think that's good advice. And

1:00:13

I think until the big reveal, carry

1:00:15

a huge bag of groceries around. Yeah.

1:00:17

Just cover up, make sure nobody knows,

1:00:20

and then you drop it on the

1:00:22

floor. Keith, I'm pregnant. He fires

1:00:24

you. And now you're in court. Maybe you

1:00:26

preempt it. You go, Keith, I'm pregnant, you

1:00:28

pig. Hey! You

1:00:31

freak. You sick freak. Firing

1:00:33

me. I always hated you. Oh, I'm fired! It's almost

1:00:35

like the David Letterman thing, where it's like you're stalking

1:00:38

me. It's like, so

1:00:40

Keith, I hear you're firing me for being pregnant.

1:00:42

Let him back-fit him. Let

1:00:45

him sue you first, then counters you. He'll

1:00:47

never see it coming. He's a fool. You

1:00:50

will be tied up in court for years. This

1:00:52

baby will go through high school before you get

1:00:54

out of this. And

1:00:56

everyone will be ruined. Yeah,

1:00:59

and that is where all of my

1:01:01

advice inevitably leads is to the universal

1:01:04

ruin. Just kind of a life wasted.

1:01:07

Excellent advice. I think Hannah is on her way

1:01:09

to, I mean, working

1:01:11

girl. Working girl. My

1:01:14

most urgent piece of advice is stop flirting with... For

1:01:17

sure. With me. I mean, come on.

1:01:19

It's, I mean, it's tacky. It's

1:01:22

gauche, and it's hideous. Yeah,

1:01:24

Hannah's ultimately a gross, pregnant,

1:01:27

fired, suing person, and I don't want

1:01:29

her to ever write back in again.

1:01:32

Hannah, get out of my life. Zach,

1:01:35

I've had such a wonderful time with you. Me

1:01:37

too. This is really lovely. And I've never got

1:01:39

this beautiful little book that, if I

1:01:41

were to just lay on the table, people might

1:01:43

be mildly confused when they just see that I

1:01:45

have children. But there'll be a lot of

1:01:48

explaining to do. That's right. And that creates

1:01:50

conversation. There you go, and you don't even

1:01:52

have to do cocaine. Yeah. This

1:01:55

would be a nice little thing to do cocaine off of,

1:01:57

actually. Okay, you really do. Yeah, I see why you don't

1:01:59

do cocaine. It's like really

1:02:01

just a thought away every week. Brainstorming

1:02:03

ways to get this stuff in my

1:02:05

nose. Thank

1:02:08

you so much for being here. Thank you. I

1:02:10

had a great time. Thanks for having me. Thank

1:02:12

you. Listener, the podcast is over. You know

1:02:14

it's over. You're denying it. You're trying to

1:02:16

get on with your... You're

1:02:19

not trying to... You're delaying your... I

1:02:22

need you to stop listening. I've got to

1:02:24

get you off the podcast and doing something

1:02:26

else. Get out of here. I

1:02:28

love you. I

1:02:35

said no gifts is an exactly right production.

1:02:38

It's produced by our dear friend

1:02:40

Annelise Nelson and it's beautifully mixed

1:02:42

by Ben Taladay and we couldn't

1:02:44

do it without our guest booker

1:02:46

Patrick Kotner. The theme song, of

1:02:48

course, could only come from miracle

1:02:50

worker Amy Mann. You must

1:02:53

follow the show on Instagram at I said

1:02:55

no gifts. I don't want to hear any

1:02:57

excuses. That's where you get to see

1:02:59

pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't

1:03:01

you want to see pictures of the gifts? Well,

1:03:04

I invited you here. Thought

1:03:09

I made myself perfectly clear.

1:03:11

When you're a

1:03:13

guest in my home. You

1:03:17

gotta come to me empty and

1:03:19

dead. I said

1:03:22

no gifts is an impressive

1:03:24

presence in love. I

1:03:27

won't let it lift

1:03:29

up the hiding

1:03:31

that is between me.