0:00

what about my friends handle you here and i

0:02

have a big questions ask you how

0:04

would you rate your level of personal discipline on

0:06

a scale of one to ten if your answers

0:08

anything less than a ten of gotham the call for you

0:10

and me tell you right now disciplined by it's

0:12

very nature means compelling yourself

0:15

to do difficult things that are stressful

0:17

boring which is what sells most people

0:19

are possibly scary or even painful out

0:21

here is the thing to cheating huge

0:24

goals and stretching to reach a potential

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requires you to do those challenging

0:28

stressful things and to sit with them even

0:30

says he gets boring and it will get

0:32

boring building above of the personal discipline

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off in fact i will tell you you're never going to achieve

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to work i will see him inside this workshop

1:01

impact the university and tell them my friends

1:03

the legendary

1:07

so excited to breed today's episode

1:09

with relationship expert and lifecoach

1:12

matthew hussey his relationship advice

1:14

on youtube has been viewed by tens

1:16

of millions of men and women he's written

1:18

books i get the guy and how to talk to men

1:21

tell women everywhere have better relationships

1:23

today we're talking about some of the biggest

1:25

reasons why relationships fail how

1:28

to adjust to make sure your relationship is successful

1:31

and how to keep challenging each other even

1:33

after being together for a long time

1:36

to keep growing together hope you guys love

1:38

this episode as much as i did recording

1:41

if you do please

1:42

leave a review on our podcast that's the

1:44

best way to support the podcast so

1:46

we can get this valuable content out to everyone

1:48

that needs it i'm tom bill you and welcome

1:50

to conversations with time

1:53

the you happy

1:55

for having enough do they should be here what

1:57

is what are the biggest reasons

1:59

most relationships fail the people should be aware

2:02

of so that they can actually adjust

2:04

and make sure that their relationship unsuccessful

2:08

the people stop growing and relationship

2:11

anytime we feel like what's exciting

2:13

about the beginning of a relationship that

2:15

we don't feel like we fully figured each other out those

2:18

are was really exciting about dating i don't

2:20

feel like you i have any guarantee

2:22

you like me interfere

2:25

and so there's that sense of why do you know

2:27

why is a cliche that the chases exciting

2:30

the choices an exciting if i think one

2:33

hundred percent it's a done deal the

2:35

traces exciting if there's some

2:37

element of i know you like me

2:39

and there's a chance by

2:41

i also know that i have to work for this

2:44

i have to punch this a challenging you know

2:46

i have to really bring my best to the table

2:48

when two people read

2:50

the know each other

2:52

there that sense that these are two

2:54

completely known

2:56

on tattoos

2:58

now from one aspect that's really

3:00

attractive because it's it creates

3:02

love creates connection it creates

3:04

a bomb that from another

3:06

perspective as that part of our mind that

3:08

still wants to be challenged that still

3:10

wants to feel like this there's something

3:13

the do hair and one of the greatest

3:15

rise to in i think it's of time old question

3:17

how do we challenge someone in

3:19

a relationship when

3:21

we already know everything about each other and we already

3:23

feel like we have each other

3:26

continuing to grow is one of the

3:28

greatest challenges you can present and

3:31

growth doesn't after mean anything crazy it

3:33

could be reading a new books or that you have a different conversation

3:35

to bring today and could be

3:37

running a new skill a could be

3:39

performing well it's something

3:42

that

3:43

rose allows our partner to continuously

3:46

feel like there's always something to

3:48

learn about are still the

3:50

there's some element of mystery that remains a

3:52

priest said the journey of discovery

3:54

lies not in seeking new landscapes

3:56

but in seeing with new eyes

3:59

now that

3:59

to me the which i think is really

4:02

powerful but it's almost the exact opposite that's

4:04

like hey part of your job

4:06

and this dynamic because i do think growing

4:08

is huge from the the other part is like i'm

4:10

about to go my twentieth a wedding anniversary which

4:12

is crazy but that i have to find

4:14

new ways to look at lisa to see

4:17

her afresh that even though

4:19

she is a very well map territory

4:21

for me

4:22

i also have to put in energy

4:24

to like challenge myself

4:26

to see something new that exactly

4:29

it goes both ways

4:30

i don't it it's just incumbent on one person

4:32

to continue to bring their best to the

4:35

table and to grow

4:36

the uncommon on us

4:38

you know

4:40

see this person is so familiar

4:42

and make that calculation which is a false

4:44

one by the way that

4:45

we know everything there is to know about this person

4:48

that looking

4:49

view mirror

4:50

it doesn't mean we know everything about who they

4:52

will be or about how they're growing all

4:54

the parts of themselves that they haven't

4:56

the spoken to us about because we

4:58

have an awesome those kinds of deep questions

5:00

in a long time

5:01

that's why sometimes you go on vacation with your partner

5:03

after a long time have been together and

5:05

you come back ceiling closer why because

5:07

you probably had time to ask each other different

5:09

questions

5:10

no one you ask on a regular week when the two of

5:12

your busy at work and even the weekends

5:15

you're like trying to just play catch up on getting

5:17

dressed know getting to know each other so

5:19

that would be the first one is growing the second

5:21

mom would be

5:23

as simple as it is continuing to

5:25

to

5:26

respect your relationship and your partner or

5:28

enough to try

5:30

right what to

5:32

actually put in the effort with

5:34

then that you put in with

5:37

new people

5:39

after pro talks about this year we'd go into

5:41

work and we often get our most charismatic

5:44

charming energetic cells to

5:46

everybody else

5:47

and then upon against the scraps of the end of the night

5:50

oh interesting can i reveal a secret

5:53

beer okay so as

5:55

you well now being a ceo of accompany

5:57

you have to be charismatic

5:59

and you have

5:59

though i get everybody together and point i'm in a direction

6:02

and so no matter how bad

6:04

my day is i'm going to come into a group

6:06

meeting and i'm gonna be charismatic and i can feel

6:09

myself flipping a switch it's kind of

6:11

like coming to a party coming to a party and being

6:13

a downer doesn't make any sense you can walk and no matter what

6:15

all of that everybody and so

6:17

i play that same role in the

6:19

company

6:21

but with lisa when i

6:23

do that i feel fake and i don't

6:25

mind baking it i don't want

6:27

to be a liar but i don't my faking it in the company

6:29

fact i feel an obligation to

6:32

presenter

6:35

a brave face like mana day where

6:37

everything is down like i'm not

6:39

and i would advise any ceo

6:41

worth their salt don't come in and

6:44

where your heart and your sleep be like oh my god like

6:46

i'm terrified like this horrible

6:48

but with my wife

6:50

i wanna be like that

6:52

problem is and this is me dude

6:54

i've watched so much few content this

6:56

me like channeling you ah

6:59

some point like that

7:01

dumping i think the you call it like readjust

7:03

conley cycling like know like this a

7:05

freaking me out this freak me out this review me up

7:08

if i get some point i do i owe her charisma

7:11

how do you find out

7:12

like i don't want to feel fake with lisa

7:14

but of the same time i don't want to just constantly

7:17

make my insecurities her problem

7:19

i suppose

7:21

we all have

7:23

we all have different games that we go to

7:25

right when we're stressed we go to wonder

7:27

where would we take a lot when was stressed

7:29

we go to our partner i'm where we

7:31

might be anxious we might

7:33

be freaked out about something we

7:35

might just be burned out and we go take

7:38

to get energy and so it

7:40

might be a simple reef framing of oh

7:43

i've been going to this situation

7:45

to get energy

7:46

more than i've been going to the situation lately

7:48

to give energy and giving

7:51

energy might just be a different version of ourselves not

7:53

this fake like one sure when

7:55

you're feeling good or when you're feeling

7:57

relaxed as a playfulness that comes out

7:59

that isn't there at the end of a

8:02

long day and

8:04

that playfulness is every

8:06

bit as much

8:07

you as this other side

8:10

but it's almost sometimes it i feel

8:12

like it's almost as logistics right you be

8:14

if you keep seeing someone at the same time

8:16

at the end of every day then ,

8:18

getting that you that's really at

8:20

the end of every day whereas

8:23

i'm not and i'm not suggesting this is right for your schedule

8:25

for anyone else is but if you

8:27

the first half hour of your die instead i'm

8:29

just gonna that take like

8:31

some of this great any

8:32

in dedicated their first then

8:35

it would just

8:35

actually be a different energy than

8:37

their it might be worse by the way it might be even

8:39

more anxious energy cause you're like i've so

8:41

much to do and on a bit and pull the but it really

8:44

interesting i've actually because i have so many

8:46

rules that i live by to

8:48

overcome my laziness

8:50

for instance monday through friday if i'm awake

8:52

i'm either working or working out that

8:54

a monster i say to myself all the time to stay

8:56

on focus because i really am a just an unseemly

8:58

lazy person by nature

9:00

so i've had to put these things and but that

9:02

means to your point that during

9:05

the week

9:06

my wife is is a literal st

9:08

for dealing with this during the week i'm not a husband

9:11

in a business partner to my wife

9:13

on the weekends i'm a husband and

9:16

a villain foreigner of i'm really out about like i

9:18

definitely has been i prioritize being a husband

9:20

on the weekend that's really

9:23

interesting in terms of the energy fled

9:25

because you're right logistically

9:28

different time to them and different modes

9:30

those modes have like a micro personality

9:33

assigned to them and and which

9:35

is an idea got from jordan peterson i heard say that people

9:37

should like acknowledged people when they're using their

9:39

idea that the jordan peterson thing that people have these micro

9:42

personalities

9:44

that's really interesting man i i

9:46

i nice suffer from the same thing and i

9:49

one of the things i've noticed about myself is

9:52

mean on my part audrey and i we work

9:54

at home

9:55

together and

9:58

sometimes i realize like

10:00

lpl eleven o'clock in the morning

10:02

i'll have done a couple of hours of good work

10:05

and

10:06

she might be right there and i

10:08

the

10:09

there's i might have this little euphoria

10:12

of having just done a couple of hours of really good what

10:14

maybe i wrote and i'd find it really hard

10:16

to get myself to sit down and right and

10:18

i actually wrote this morning and i have that little bugs

10:21

of i did that difficult thing

10:23

and i know that this kind of a moment where i'm like

10:25

i don't have a meeting for an hour

10:28

yet there are a hundred things

10:30

that could now filled his neck

10:32

our

10:34

but what would happen if i just

10:36

when and gave ten or fifteen minutes of this

10:38

euphoric playful energy

10:40

the her right now and i don't always do that

10:42

some because sometimes i come from a scarcity place

10:45

of like only have so much energy and the day

10:47

and you know it's hard enough to get these things don't

10:49

i just need to go straight into the next thing but some

10:51

time

10:53

for after like i'm stealing you know for

10:55

ten or fifteen minutes just to go and give her

10:58

the really lovely energy while i feel it

11:00

i do think those things

11:02

have a real impact and they

11:04

so speaking of the original question

11:06

why does some relationships fail

11:09

this is because we keep singing the same song

11:12

over and over and over again

11:15

and we never

11:16

you know that song might be a very serious so

11:19

and by the way we love serious songs like

11:21

with this is the deployment a place for serious

11:23

song but

11:24

we also if we listen to that all

11:26

day everyday as too much so we sometimes

11:28

listen to a fun song

11:30

sometimes we listen to a sad song and sometimes

11:33

a relationship is an album if

11:35

you're one song all the time

11:38

then and even the

11:39

so on repeat start to

11:41

get tiring

11:44

that i forget number one was

11:46

rose rose number two was

11:49

trying and and trying

11:51

doesn't just mean trying

11:53

harder it can mean trying

11:55

can be more subtle it can be bringing a different

11:57

energy than the one you normally bring

11:59

and a third secret i would

12:02

say

12:03

the reason why a lot relationships fail

12:05

the

12:06

we have to be willing

12:08

to give someone what they

12:11

craven need know

12:13

the thing that we really like giving

12:16

because it's really easy cheap

12:18

giving the thing that were comfortable

12:20

giving like sometimes

12:23

if we're if we give love through food or

12:25

if we give love through a coming

12:27

and giving someone affection know

12:29

whatever it may be

12:31

that maybe the thing that we

12:33

find it really easy to give

12:35

the we just keep giving and giving and giving it

12:37

but the to me the key to relationships

12:39

it

12:40

listen well enough

12:42

that you know what it is they're absolutely

12:45

crazy

12:46

then give them that exact

12:49

thing so it might be that what they're

12:52

craving is an evening

12:54

with their friends

12:56

maybe you if you read between the lines what

12:58

i'm saying to recently they keep

13:00

saying like you know i feel like

13:02

i'm an adult balance in my life recently

13:04

i haven't really caught up with my friends and

13:07

seen in own if you've listened hard enough

13:09

you go

13:10

what is person keep telling me is that

13:13

their friendships are really important to them and

13:15

they haven't had time for them the

13:17

best thing i can do the

13:19

go have a night with my friends

13:23

the that name

13:24

the spice

13:26

the don't have a night with there's without

13:28

go

13:29

the not spending time with me

13:31

my independence this

13:34

week is the greatest gift i can give to

13:36

them but that requires

13:38

listening and i think from in relationships

13:41

one of the reasons they break down is

13:43

for too many days or weeks or

13:45

months or years in a row

13:47

i feel like the thing you've been giving me

13:49

is the thing you wanna give me not nothing

13:51

i actually need from you

13:54

you got so there's

13:56

this joke that my wife and i make don't

13:59

give the gift you

13:59

want to receive give the gift that the other person

14:02

wants because my sister

14:04

in law god bless her had a fiance

14:06

who is no longer her fiance not

14:09

just because that i'm about to say but import

14:12

ah one of the guess that they

14:14

gave her was a movie

14:17

that they really liked and

14:19

, was like you know a christmas gift and it was like oh

14:22

my god here you go and she was like but you

14:24

know i hate this kind of of like a find that

14:26

join you know i hate this kind of movie that why

14:28

on earth are you getting this to me and of course it

14:31

made her feel unheard like feel wasn't

14:33

listening

14:34

i totally get where he's coming from

14:36

which is so we all have a

14:38

love language

14:40

the

14:41

they're probably oversimplified but he gets

14:43

you in the right ballpark and if

14:46

so for me words of affirmation is huge move

14:48

buffer my wife is quality time

14:50

now if i'm giving her words of affirmation

14:53

doesn't mean that they don't resonate by

14:55

it's not gonna land the way

14:57

it with land if i was like yo i really want to carve

14:59

this time out with you i want to sit down like what

15:01

do you want to do like was really sink in

15:04

the

15:06

the problem is that when

15:08

i do that for her

15:10

i love it because it's time with my wife and i really

15:12

enjoy it but it i feel like

15:14

i'm not really giving her the thing

15:16

that she needs and that the she would want

15:19

which is words of affirmation because

15:21

i feel it internally when i give

15:23

her words of affirmation because it's my love language

15:26

it's the same this going to seem silly maybe but

15:28

when so my family we do christmas lists

15:30

because i think you're earlier points

15:33

don't go out with your friends by the way if

15:35

you know first ask your significant other

15:37

is that something i would want because it's like

15:39

for lisa up as like had that what she

15:41

needs a space have found that about announces

15:43

like what our time it looks as if we have nightmares

15:46

to be like what is going on at

15:48

night

15:50

christmas

15:52

you so that you get the things that you actually

15:54

care about we write down business and

15:56

i will go through and look for

15:58

things that i also like on

16:00

their list and i will give them though things

16:03

because i feel

16:06

a different way and know it's like

16:08

getting people it was so for instance my sister

16:10

loves oh my god if you like enemy right her

16:12

good that we have got to talk more about

16:15

that i heard you in an interview talk about weathering with another

16:17

bonus i got a freezer for me about this

16:19

ah my sister likes manga and

16:22

so i'll go through the how like if it's manga

16:24

i'm going to be the one that gives it to because

16:27

i like monger and so it's like i

16:29

get it it's a trap your thousand percent

16:31

right i also feel that nature

16:33

is done as a bit dirty because

16:35

it feels so good when

16:38

it aligns with the thing that you

16:41

also like you really

16:43

gotta be like super careful in fact

16:45

so you haven't as three things i'll give

16:47

people a for hi

16:50

we can round communication it's

16:52

really like you have to say

16:54

things out loud that almost seems

16:57

stupid because they are so

16:59

self evident home and what

17:02

we so what do you mean by that okay i'll

17:04

give you one that

17:06

in

17:07

oh god

17:09

i have okay

17:11

so this so this you have kids in the room

17:13

now the the time to get them believe so

17:16

hi

17:18

used to hate shopping

17:20

and so i told my wife

17:22

look the key to motivating me is to

17:24

touch me in a very special way and

17:26

if you do the i just tell you right now that like whatever

17:29

you want to do at that point like i'm totally games and

17:31

so my wife just

17:33

learned very early on in the relationship the

17:35

easy way to give me the thing

17:37

that i wanted to get me excited

17:40

to go do something that she wanted was that and

17:42

, but i had to say it aloud like

17:44

i just had to teller like you're really reaching

17:47

and struggling to find things would make me want

17:49

to do that they also ran out what it is a sign

17:51

settled in articulating that

17:53

it felt stupid because i couldn't believe i

17:55

had articulated because in my own mind

17:57

it was so self evident and yet

18:00

the saw her straw that because she was

18:02

what would be the things that would work for her right

18:05

now my ya is not what you would want

18:07

to do for me this is it and so

18:09

least i call that giving the keys to the kingdom

18:11

yeah like what are my hot

18:13

button things whether they should be are not here

18:16

they are my insecurities whether i should

18:18

be insecure about the same or not is irrelevant

18:20

here it is and so these are the keys the kingdom

18:23

the

18:24

it people take the time to actually

18:27

articulate this thing then

18:30

it's like the other person like a while like i wouldn't

18:32

have guessed maybe i should but i wouldn't

18:34

have guessed it and now the have articulated

18:36

it i get it and so going back

18:38

to the example you gave like before

18:40

you go oh the thing i should do

18:42

too acknowledge

18:45

were euro is go out with my friends so

18:47

that you can do the thing that you want i would just say

18:49

hey i've been picking up this vibe

18:51

is this really liked what would

18:53

be rad for you and if it would

18:56

then we do it and if it wouldn't

18:58

than we don't the the keys to the kinda

19:00

his kingdom thing is huge

19:03

because we

19:04

so many people expect a partner

19:07

to be a mind reader yes

19:09

then knock and just giving

19:11

them

19:12

the blueprint of how to please you

19:15

the how to make you happy which by the way

19:17

i mean it translates directly

19:20

to the bedroom

19:21

the law people on having sex

19:23

they should be because they're literally not

19:26

talking to each other

19:28

the both front of read each other's minds and beatings

19:30

master lovers and viking

19:33

read each other and i know you're going to like

19:35

this and i'm going to drive isn't it but the truth

19:37

is what makes amazing sex

19:40

is to people who

19:42

say i like it when you do exactly

19:44

that thing that really turns

19:46

me on when two people are in that situation

19:49

i also think the

19:51

the keys to the kingdom thing is

19:53

something we should be always paying attention

19:55

to the things your partner says you often

19:57

in like just

19:58

you could be in the car

19:59

somewhere in your partner will reveal inadvertently

20:02

the keys to the kingdom i'm

20:06

i'm note taker

20:07

the

20:08

people might find this strange but like if

20:11

i hear something my bike home rely

20:13

on my mind to remember that three months

20:15

from now

20:17

though i write down

20:19

quite a quite if i have

20:21

a place right can go to remember like these

20:23

are the things that would over ,

20:25

i've realized to the keys to the kingdom that would really

20:28

pleased my partner if i did them as

20:30

a really useful thing to be able to

20:32

go back to and the

20:35

the thing i will say is that you never

20:38

with that case to the kingdom think if your

20:40

partner tells you something that

20:42

would or it i let me reverse it if you

20:44

told your partner if you gave your part of

20:46

the keys to the kingdom this thing that would

20:48

really mean a lot to me

20:50

then they don't do it they

20:53

don't care enough to do it that

20:55

becomes a great

20:57

the ruler of the relationship itself

20:59

because i think one of the greatest

21:02

things the greatest values that

21:04

keeps a relationship darling is

21:06

whom were

21:08

and i mean not just the kind of teamwork of were

21:10

on a joint vision to get a bit the kind of teamwork

21:12

that says we are a team and making

21:14

each other as happy as possible

21:17

to fact

21:19

what the other person to succeed like

21:21

that is one thing that ah

21:24

watching other people in relationships and i do you want

21:26

into when are you trying to win like what what's

21:28

happening here yet so yeah you've got

21:30

a want to see them be happy

21:32

and if and if they tell you something this is gonna really pleased

21:34

me if you do it

21:36

the

21:37

they then you should be doing that saying

21:39

and if you're with someone that too many times in a row

21:42

you keep saying these things make

21:44

me really happy when you do them and they don't compromise

21:46

your values they're

21:48

just effort if you're in a relationship

21:50

with someone doesn't do those things then you

21:53

then you have to stop questioning the the say teammates

21:56

would you call it out

21:58

i think that there are like

21:59

every relationship is that is is or solar spectrum

22:02

right away extent do i accept

22:05

there are certain things you

22:07

don't you don't like doing vs

22:09

i hope that

22:11

that means a lot to me

22:13

you would do that i don't

22:15

think

22:15

any perfect answer to that other

22:17

than

22:18

real teamwork

22:20

you don't know it when you feel

22:22

it

22:23

the more of it you can give i kind of think

22:25

the more the more

22:27

if you're not feeling it from somebody else

22:30

then

22:31

give him on the things they really

22:34

want

22:34

they don't come naturally to you or that

22:37

you wouldn't know ordinarily do your own this

22:39

thing that you

22:39

all you really like a tidy bedroom

22:42

i don't care

22:43

how do you know i'm gonna do it right i'm going

22:46

to kill i'm going to twenty two bedroom

22:47

because it means a lot to you

22:50

if you do enough of things

22:52

i think it gives you a lot of leverage to go to your partner

22:54

and be like

22:56

this stuff is really important to me

22:58

you're not doing

23:00

by the way i don't care about having

23:02

a party room and yet every morning i make

23:04

the bed

23:05

every morning i try to up all of my clothes every morning

23:07

i do these things i don't do that from name

23:09

i do it because i know it makes you happy

23:12

i like making you happy it makes me

23:14

happy to make you happy

23:17

i'm from the wonder y

23:19

i don't get the same in return

23:21

that i don't think we have that leverage

23:23

if we're in this tit for tat the

23:26

mindset that you haven't been doing

23:28

these things for me the i really want

23:30

so i'm not doing them for you but now and coming

23:32

to from an angry and resentful place setting

23:35

you have to go from a place of leverage and that

23:37

leverages i'm doing a lot to make you happy

23:41

so interesting so these are the

23:43

things that you have to say

23:45

out loud and has a one thing that lease

23:47

and i always talk about his

23:49

don't have me so

23:51

for instance in the beginning of our relationship

23:54

i have a terrible memory and people that see

23:56

me on camera are convinced that i have a good

23:58

memory that i'm just being humble answers to

24:00

hear you say that but his second term i'm i'm

24:02

for have a lot insecure iran my memory with

24:04

a new and i can be insecure together because

24:07

i have a lot of insecurity around my mom really

24:09

well yeah there's something wrong with me sometimes

24:11

i is something wrong with me for sure

24:13

i guarantee it dude that the

24:15

amount of hours that i have spent thinking like

24:18

how much farther would i be in my life

24:20

if i had a better memory i'm not kidding so

24:22

as a yeah i've had set as my life i'm

24:24

just telling you dude i will be so much farther

24:26

along if i had a better memory real pressure valve

24:28

for me harry might go back and i think about that

24:30

all the time and i i literally

24:32

during my how

24:35

many other diode like

24:36

the hard drive

24:37

that were together partly because

24:39

you're like a living archives of my

24:42

experiences like should tell me show

24:44

sight of man you know the

24:46

last time you remember when we're in l a like

24:48

a few months ago in you was so ill

24:51

the ogre

24:52

when was that and and i'm

24:54

you are you know the same not be like she'll be like what

24:56

are you talking about you were like really

24:59

really in a bad way

25:01

and i'll have to search for this

25:04

this memory and it

25:05

it's near sometimes yeah

25:07

they're so the bad news is your life be a

25:09

lot further along with conrad a better match

25:11

on forcing this is one it was like really real things

25:13

yeah ah yeah so

25:16

because of that i told me that

25:18

look i know it matters to you a

25:20

lot that i remember

25:23

anniversary or your birthday all of that

25:25

stuff and i was like was like

25:28

to god i am prepared to dedicate my life you

25:30

i would literally die for you like no

25:32

bullshit if there's an intruder and as literally

25:35

just the other day this happened and

25:37

there was somebody on our property the should not have been

25:39

and these are called me i come

25:41

and deal with that she does not need deal with i will put

25:43

myself in harm's way but i can't

25:45

promise you i'm in remember that our anniversary is

25:47

coming

25:48

and so on the day of our anniversary

25:51

on the week leading up to will you please just

25:53

remind me don't ask me if

25:55

you know i will make you feel

25:57

to the core of your been the you are loved

25:59

me because i i owe her that i

26:02

owe myself that for the health of the relationships

26:04

just feel to the core of her existence that i

26:06

love her and all that don't

26:09

make me remembering a day or

26:11

whatever like don't make that a test

26:13

of whether or not i really love you because this is not

26:16

how my mind works

26:17

though that what you to set is

26:19

so vitally important to the question

26:21

you asked to for which is what do you

26:23

do when someone isn't

26:25

the windows thing right because let's

26:28

let's say in her mind lisa

26:30

originally came from

26:33

paradigm

26:34

really important to me when someone remember

26:36

these occasion was

26:39

what gives you the leverage

26:42

the be like camera

26:44

can i get some leeway here

26:46

adam how much

26:49

love

26:50

you didn't higher in all these other vital

26:53

important ways that she

26:55

knows your heart that she knows your intentions

26:58

the she knows your kindness that she knows

27:00

who you are and how much you love her and

27:03

not just in the sense because

27:05

i think in this argument intentions matter

27:08

but they're not the only thing that matters in a

27:10

in an abusive relationship a

27:13

guy who says my intention is

27:15

to be a great partner it doesn't

27:17

count for a law if a relationship

27:19

is abusive especially physically than

27:22

that to that extent intentions don't matter

27:24

for the relationship what matters is the fact

27:27

the intentions

27:29

intentions matter on some level

27:31

but we're also matters is how many other ways

27:34

you're showing up the really important she's

27:36

able to look at this in around

27:39

go

27:40

i'm in finally happen

27:42

the relationship makes me unbelievably

27:45

happy the fact that this role

27:48

the i'd set up for myself

27:50

i needed this

27:52

it doesn't actually matter anymore

27:54

is certainly doesn't matter nearly as much

27:57

and sometimes i think what it allows us to do is get behind

27:59

the rolling

27:59

the hard play the reason i had

28:02

that rule because

28:04

some i'm remembering the anniversary

28:07

became a symbol

28:09

how much they care how much they

28:11

think of me how much they pay

28:13

attention

28:14

if i'd feel like i know how

28:16

much he cares i know how much he's thinking of me i know

28:18

how much is paying attention

28:21

in all of a sudden i don't need the role

28:23

the anymore so i think that's kind

28:25

of in a in a way a crucial recipe

28:27

for how sacrifices do

28:29

get made when they have to get made

28:32

that you have enough credits in the bank in

28:34

order otherwise

28:36

the thing actually doesn't matter in the way that it used

28:38

to yeah yeah of credits in the bank that's

28:40

really well said like you want to make a withdrawal

28:43

you better have made a lot of deposits which somebody

28:45

you talked about was least and i talk about and

28:47

people are super weird about it is relationships

28:50

are work right and yeah

28:52

what do you say to people when

28:54

they get weird about that

28:57

i don't

28:58

no

29:00

what life they're living

29:02

the island hall i

29:04

, you know

29:07

the treatment of you know is the same as when people talk

29:09

about no regrets and there's a poet a

29:11

british private david white who

29:13

wrote a beautiful essay on on

29:15

regret any in actually the importance of

29:17

regret and he's anymore he

29:20

said dumb a with first he said we're

29:22

for people who say they have no regrets he sees

29:24

a that where have you been no

29:26

lights but he didn't really regret is very

29:28

is very you know you you

29:30

if if if you regret having bullied someone at

29:32

school

29:34

that informs

29:36

how you go about the rest of your life

29:38

and how you treat people and the warmth

29:40

the occurs in your life towards people in the compassion

29:43

occurs as a result of that so

29:45

you know to to

29:48

no regrets or to simply

29:50

pass them off

29:52

is really third to

29:54

not take the lesson with you i'm

29:56

and that doesn't mean that you continuous is not the same as

29:58

shaming yourself away then your finger him in

30:01

your face for it it's just he

30:03

sees regret is actually an important word

30:05

and language not one to be dismissed as you

30:07

should never regret anything

30:09

but similarly

30:11

i struggle with the concept that

30:13

relationships should be easy because

30:15

i've never had an easy relationship and i don't

30:17

mean just with my part i mean in

30:19

my life i mean with my mom would my

30:21

brother's with

30:23

my problems with my best friends

30:25

i wouldn't describe i would certainly

30:27

described certain relationships as

30:30

the

30:32

not containing

30:34

the free

30:35

like unnecessary suffering i

30:37

don't have a single relationship that has been involved

30:40

pain

30:41

i i believe our

30:43

life gets gets better in

30:45

direct proportion to the number of difficult

30:47

conversations were willing to have and

30:51

and a difficult conversation with anyone

30:53

without

30:54

best friend know that thing you did

30:55

you can be upset me

30:58

which is an accommodation you must have with a best

31:00

friend does know an enjoyable conversation

31:02

for anyone no one wants to have it the reason

31:04

we call a difficult conversation

31:06

because we grub do anything else then

31:09

have the honest conversation today

31:11

if we can do it

31:13

the relationship gets better i wouldn't call that

31:16

easy or i think

31:18

the reason

31:19

people have kind of coin that phrase when

31:21

it's right is easy

31:23

in contrast

31:26

the kinds of relationships

31:28

they've been hidden been in that have been

31:32

fortress

31:34

where that has been true

31:37

in compatibility

31:40

why it's a constant grind

31:42

without having to constantly greatly

31:44

away through it and convince

31:47

themselves why it's worth staying why

31:50

i should keep going those

31:52

relationships i think people then come

31:54

out there like the shouldn't

31:56

be this hard and they're right

31:58

shouldn't be

32:00

that hard but i don't think that's the

32:02

same thing as i worry when we

32:04

say that the right relationship is easy because

32:07

i worry that that comes with a kind of entitlement

32:10

that comes with a kind of

32:12

i'm i'm not supposed to have to

32:15

there any work on

32:16

at a speed bump

32:18

early on

32:19

there will be

32:20

there will be there are gonna

32:22

be done

32:23

where you find out something about each other

32:25

that you don't like

32:27

then go order that piece of history

32:29

of yours i didn't know about

32:31

the the day

32:35

you know and you have now have

32:37

that conversation wrestle with

32:39

it together and you you

32:41

if it the right relationship what

32:43

the differences you come out of

32:45

that conversation

32:47

stronger as a unit

32:49

that to me defines the right

32:51

relationship

32:52

i think one of the biggest

32:54

the caterers have a right relationship is

32:57

being with someone who knows how to handle

32:59

you

33:01

you know we

33:03

we've been from it's time and relationships kind of

33:05

try to weigh up who's right and who's wrong

33:07

is someone just got jealous about something

33:10

and night kind of acted

33:14

that then creates this kind

33:16

of a speed bump it creates a moment

33:18

it creates a fire to be per hour and

33:21

that would

33:22

the i'm i'm aware we would cite this is easy

33:24

the a moment where but both frustrated

33:26

with each other i don't think you should be jealous about

33:29

this thing

33:30

i'm jealous about this thing and i so incredibly

33:33

the justified in being jealous about this thing

33:35

and now we're gonna like battle this

33:37

out

33:39

that to me is a

33:41

moment where we get to define

33:44

the relationship

33:45

the

33:46

who often people in that situation are

33:48

arguing about who's right and who's wrong and

33:51

the truth is

33:53

we can

33:55

remove that from moment and just

33:57

go

33:58

there

33:59

there

34:00

and that partner for independence jealous

34:03

has wounds they have trauma

34:05

there's like stuff there

34:07

going on for them

34:09

the and sooner or

34:11

later if they want a happy life a my of the hilda

34:15

there's gonna be someone who comes along

34:17

several anyone who comes along is going to aggravated

34:20

at some point because it's there certain

34:23

will be aggravated

34:26

not a for aggravate it isn't a

34:28

sign that this person is the wrong

34:30

person

34:32

the me

34:34

this person aggravates it

34:37

and harboring aggravated it this

34:40

trauma just gets worse

34:43

then

34:44

that relationship maybe the wrong relationship

34:46

if this person aggravates it

34:49

then when that person gets jealous the way they

34:51

handle it

34:53

this person a chance to actually heal

34:56

and as a result

34:58

the person starts

35:00

let go because for them

35:02

their whole life jealousy has

35:04

meant he is fear

35:06

it's you're going to leave me it's i'm not

35:08

good enough it's you know danger

35:11

and then this person comes along and aggravates

35:13

it and it got it's all that same stuff happens

35:16

and stop get frustrated get mad get something

35:19

but then the way you approach

35:21

me in that is a healing

35:24

president

35:26

then i cannot let go a little bit

35:28

now

35:29

you're right not because

35:33

not because you're such a thing you could

35:35

write all the time you're right because you know

35:37

the handle me

35:39

and i think we sometimes spend

35:43

we don't spend enough time looking for people

35:45

who are actually good at handling us and

35:47

that does shouldn't be an excuse for all of our worst

35:50

stuff all the time but

35:53

the said to clients of mine who are who are post

35:55

privately

35:59

the

35:59

note that this person

36:02

you're spending so much time going is she in

36:04

the rye is she in the wrong she an evil person

36:06

or a she and i enjoy she

36:08

so much time worrying about that instead

36:10

of just going

36:13

house and a healing presents for

36:15

me

36:17

the they just aggravates my was

36:19

trauma in a way that makes it worse

36:22

the reading relationships two people should be

36:24

able to come together to heal

36:26

the person i'm with able it

36:29

is a relationship to becomes

36:31

a healing and healing have to be part of that but is it a healing

36:33

presents for me and if the answer is no

36:36

there are many times in arrive forget right

36:38

and wrong

36:40

not a relationship is gonna help you overcome

36:42

those things

36:43

let's talk about one of the most important

36:45

investments you need to be constantly maintaining

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brains work so why don't we treat them

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36:59

how we experience every aspect of life so

37:01

it is super important to best time

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so i couldn't agree more

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i think that it's ,

42:14

interesting when i really look at why

42:17

listen i have lasted as long

42:19

as we have because we both have our insecurities

42:21

we can bowl trigger the other person's insecurities

42:24

but your point where able

42:26

to help guide the other person out

42:28

but

42:29

have you said that

42:31

doesn't mean that i get to just throw my insecurities

42:34

only saw all the time and say you deal with

42:36

it or vice versa it's like

42:38

at , point you have their own

42:41

that i can't just cycle right so

42:43

if something trees me whoa like hey

42:46

i have this insecurity i should not the lie about it

42:48

the person should give me that space to have that cause

42:50

we all have them if

42:52

they can many be amazing if they

42:55

can help you negotiate that and then of the same

42:57

time they have to hold you accountable to not just

42:59

sitting in that all the time wallowing in it being

43:01

in a death loop ah and

43:04

man that is really

43:06

is really either people

43:08

are like they throw it back he you like

43:10

i'll my god you're so insecure like drive

43:12

me crazy and it's like okay that's

43:14

not going to be any fun to be around the

43:17

same time if they just let you

43:19

i keep looping like you're never

43:21

gonna get out of it

43:24

norway

43:25

so true

43:29

the a if you're on the receiving end

43:31

of the wrong behavior

43:33

or behavior that's really destructive not

43:35

productive

43:37

i think they're bringing

43:39

your best to that moment

43:42

is the greatest form of closure

43:44

the relationship and

43:47

hello me more

43:49

you know we feel

43:52

because even when i was saying that before i could almost

43:54

hear people go in front of imagining

43:57

that worst relationship with someone who was

43:59

really does

44:01

and toxic a destructive wherever

44:03

word someone wants to use for it

44:06

and getting angry like

44:08

it's not my responsibility to fix

44:11

this thing in the other person and they should take

44:13

responsibility for not bringing that behavior that's

44:15

all true all about is true

44:18

we all know if we're honest while i

44:21

we should have a little humility because all of us

44:24

you may not have this thing they're bringing

44:26

you the you have something you're going to bring

44:28

them so when

44:30

your when your something comes up

44:33

you're gonna one

44:34

someone to come here and a healing way

44:37

this is your chance to put that credit in the bank

44:40

right

44:41

though

44:42

what do you relate to it or not

44:44

the

44:45

why would reach those people is

44:47

modeling

44:48

the behavior you would like

44:50

to see from them hi

44:52

is the greatest way to influence

44:54

anybody

44:57

that starts with the

44:59

lightning understanding what's behind it

45:01

understanding where it's coming from yeah

45:04

i had a moment with with my partner

45:06

in the beginning of our relationship that

45:08

led up over something and

45:12

she she used get language for

45:14

it she said

45:15

i had to figure out

45:18

he just an os

45:20

or is this something

45:23

is it something deeper the i could learn

45:26

the navigate and understand about

45:28

him

45:30

and might just be a sign of a wound

45:32

not a sign that is just enough

45:35

and

45:35

she had to

45:37

she modeled the right behavior in

45:39

that my machine they sleep

45:41

like

45:42

jump down my throat but she was mad the i was

45:44

flaring up over this thing

45:46

then

45:48

the to step back and she tried to actually

45:50

like

45:51

understand where was coming from and what what

45:53

was going what happened in my past that made

45:56

me flare up in that moment as she said it was a moment

45:58

where actually indeed

45:59

the you to me because i realized

46:02

are you not

46:03

not one off he that

46:05

like her and this

46:08

this triggered something

46:10

for him and i and actually

46:13

when she brought me kindness

46:15

in that moment and understanding i

46:18

a dot

46:20

the

46:23

when you do that and someone

46:25

starts to ease up and

46:27

they start to heal

46:29

a great point

46:31

they don't

46:32

that's also

46:34

really valuable the information

46:37

you learn nothing by mirroring the behavior

46:40

you learn everything from modeling that i do

46:42

you want to see

46:43

and seeing if they can rise

46:46

the that and if they com

46:48

you have your answer about where this person is

46:50

in the your their evolution as a human being

46:53

and whether it would be at all wise

46:56

for you to continue down a path because if someone

46:58

can in any way meet you there

47:01

no know like there's no signs

47:03

of that happening

47:05

then

47:06

you can make an informed decision you could say

47:08

i'm i'm really gonna spend the new

47:10

being the person therapist in a relationship

47:13

do i have that kind of time is

47:15

or any guarantee that if i did they would even

47:17

change know

47:18

okay for this might be a terrible terrible

47:21

bet to make

47:22

i model the right behavior

47:24

and and something shifts

47:27

the start to produce a better relationship

47:29

then there's a huge huge

47:31

success

47:33

gonna want him to win man so interesting

47:36

i and that's so true

47:38

and so useful one

47:40

that you may not have the same and security

47:43

but there's gonna be something that you do have

47:45

that you establish like how should we

47:47

respond to each other like me and i in in

47:49

the early days and i think part of others

47:51

before i came among certain

47:54

though i have a very long

47:56

few so it takes a lot to make me

47:58

angry but once i get angry like

48:00

i'm in it and it would in the

48:02

beginning of our relationship it would sometimes be more

48:04

than twenty four hours here for i'd combat

48:06

down and so just always ended

48:08

up being this catastrophic waste of time in

48:11

in the early part of our relationship where i was

48:13

off working and so working

48:15

relationship were very separated or

48:18

the weekends were the only time that we were engaging

48:20

with each other and if i

48:22

ended up getting pissed on a saturday it was like

48:25

man and view base with online week

48:27

you know what he was so she's like a real qatar

48:29

know that feeling intimate us fucking terrible

48:31

so i would get mad would say early

48:33

in the day and then i wouldn't find

48:36

the be other pull myself out of into later that night

48:38

or the next day and then never

48:40

once was i like you know what well

48:42

done for being mad that won't find out with a good

48:45

news or time and so i ended up writing

48:47

down this letter

48:49

to myself and i

48:51

gave it to her to read back to me and

48:53

it was like all the stuff has to be negotiating the beginning

48:56

and so

48:57

the letter was basically hey

48:59

me it's me

49:01

you have no ulterior motive because always

49:03

out lisa would try to apologize

49:05

or whatever because she just felt

49:07

bad that she'd upset me but that she really was wrong

49:10

and they're needed to be some sort of recompense

49:13

and without that then

49:15

that the the was

49:18

not worthy of being forgiven

49:20

and

49:22

because i realize every

49:24

time you finally emotionally shift out

49:26

of that space you wish you had just let it go

49:29

instantly that's only because

49:31

you have this weird thing about like a no

49:33

no she's just apologizing because she's

49:35

not because she actually feels bad but

49:38

because she just doesn't want to feel badly

49:40

about

49:41

meeting annoyed or whatever she did that was

49:43

so he me it's me you know you have

49:45

no ulterior motive you've never once thought

49:47

that this was time well spent so

49:50

right now force yourself

49:52

to laugh out loud because you know

49:54

that if you laugh out loud you won't be able to stay angry

49:56

or shift your neurochemistry and and you'll

49:58

be able to move past laugh and i

50:00

gave it to lisa and i said the next time

50:02

i get pissed read this back to

50:04

me i won't want to hear it i'm going to be

50:06

super fucking annoyed that you

50:08

pull this out but i

50:11

i will honor this marriage

50:13

by laughing out loud on in

50:15

my sober moment i'm giving you this thing

50:18

and i'm committing myself the

50:20

actually doing it she only had to read

50:22

at once and it was so effective

50:24

when she pulled out the phone and she's like haney

50:27

it's me at the chills now and

50:30

i forced myself litter i don't even think she made

50:32

it through the whole thing and i laughed

50:34

out loud and i was like i can't believe

50:36

that worked but just hearing

50:38

my words coming back to me and

50:40

so it's like this whole thing about you've got a

50:42

want the other person a when you've gotta give

50:45

them the keys to the kingdom you've gotta be

50:47

like trying to meet them they're right like

50:49

she's in the apology she was woodsy

50:51

adamantly new modeling the behavior

50:53

that i would want in the reverse

50:56

and because i can see that i was falling

50:58

prey to some weird deathly for my own mind

51:01

i was like okay this is gonna be the way the you get

51:03

me out of this and then

51:05

not only did it work it worked so

51:07

well that i never needed her to

51:09

read that to me again because of like okay i want

51:11

her to when i don't want to waste of time i know what

51:14

it takes to change my own neurochemistry

51:16

so why do i need to and we've come up with other

51:18

things throughout the times like for a while she

51:20

carried these loved ships again only

51:22

ever had to be played once and then you realize

51:25

like how effective it isn't it was just like

51:28

i want this person remember that i love

51:31

that if in the middle of your hurt because

51:33

it's like i don't usually

51:35

get upset over something dumb i get upset

51:37

over something real like it's the

51:39

thing you did really is like

51:42

you would reflect on to be like yo i should have done

51:44

that i'm reflects how idea you that we should have done

51:46

that

51:47

but i know you love

51:48

and because i know how easy it is for me

51:51

to be the one that does something stupid that i really should

51:53

have done and that you would agree i shouldn't have done

51:55

all that like to have that a

51:57

little thing that you just slide across

51:59

the table when you have

52:01

to agree on all the stuff you have to talk

52:03

about it and you have to like say here the rules

52:05

i had to say hey if you read me this letter i'm

52:07

actually gonna do it and then you have to stick to

52:09

it there's just so much

52:12

ah in what you

52:13

said that is

52:15

valuable valuable

52:17

the

52:19

patton breaking which have heard you talk

52:21

about like you have to be

52:23

you have to be a miniature about patton

52:25

breaking yourself right i think you said that

52:27

one of your videos that our like it

52:30

central to understand yourself in

52:33

those ways and whatever you

52:35

mechanism you have for breaking that patton

52:39

one mechanism is telling your partner

52:41

that they know you ,

52:43

i i i did a similar thing with audrey where

52:45

i said when i'm in that state because i have

52:47

this it says what you'd i have zero hour

52:50

is when

52:51

i'm in that night or not

52:53

my right mind and i can't

52:55

i find it really hard to let go

52:58

i said to her

53:00

when i'm when it why com pushing

53:02

you away in those moments i'm

53:04

desperate feed a lovely

53:06

read by that so true desperate

53:08

for you to love me and to and i need

53:11

to see like can push your when you're still comeback

53:13

exactly not terrible so that we are now

53:15

have it but and it but it's

53:17

true and i said like i'm

53:20

gonna feel like i'm being why

53:22

i'm being cold and and pushed but trust

53:24

me there is

53:25

trout inside the is just so terrified

53:28

you're not gonna love me that

53:31

like

53:32

i push you away

53:34

the that understanding is invaluable

53:36

because of course for her then she knows

53:38

he knows moments

53:39

did

53:41

about me and it's

53:42

not a if not pass know

53:44

any doesn't not love to the problem is

53:47

you get three right crazy psycho with

53:49

on pushing her away and then she does he

53:51

doesn't love me and it's the exact

53:53

opposite

53:54

what's true and

53:57

and not giving that person the case

53:59

to the kingdom

53:59

you say is giving the person

54:02

the understanding of what's really

54:04

going on so i love the he said that andy

54:07

you know what you said about them remembering

54:10

that oh lisa loves me so

54:12

much as she did something

54:15

the the poor of her is that

54:17

she loves me so much if not

54:19

this behavior or thing is not this slip

54:22

up it's not it's this that

54:24

is like i called an emotional buttons have

54:27

a retreat program web i do a whole

54:29

section on this because to me

54:31

knowing what your emotional buttons

54:34

all

54:35

the key to life you you

54:37

were essentially a learning how to program your

54:40

thoughts and your emotions and that thought

54:42

i know how much lisa loves me at her corps

54:44

and emotional button

54:46

i had

54:47

one i'd got

54:48

from childhood where

54:51

we were me my

54:53

brothers

54:55

a few friends were playing in the garden

54:59

i don't even remember what happened

55:01

something upset me so

55:03

badly

55:06

or the why maybe it wasn't even a big thing

55:09

upset me but the way it was reacted

55:11

to all the way i fell in that moment

55:13

so i got in my head so

55:15

badly about it

55:17

yeah i went to my room and salt

55:20

didn't come out

55:22

and

55:23

then it turned

55:25

out this whole plan was made for like my brothers

55:27

and my friends

55:29

the will go to their house

55:31

the carry on like this really fun die

55:33

and have a sleep over at my friend's house

55:35

and but no without

55:38

me ever more to be involved

55:40

like knocking on my door going man

55:42

like promo was gone

55:44

like

55:44

the superbowl

55:46

that it was so important to

55:48

me

55:49

make a point

55:51

about this thing and

55:53

pushing ever wonder why

55:55

i didn't go i told them to

55:57

leave and i've watched the car leave

55:59

the house

56:01

for my bedroom window

56:03

i cannot tell you how much

56:06

i remember the next day my brother's came

56:08

back and there was stories

56:10

the road is wonderful things that happened they got

56:12

excited about the night and was such a great sleep

56:14

over

56:15

i regretted it so badly

56:19

never knows

56:20

what's your image

56:22

stream of my life

56:23

the really insignificant

56:25

moment

56:26

yeah

56:28

i never forgot it because i it

56:30

never the lesson liver

56:31

the left me that i cost myself that

56:34

amazing fun time with

56:36

steam with steam bunch

56:37

people that love me

56:39

the my brothers were my best friend

56:41

with my friends they will have this wonderful

56:44

time

56:45

no one was against me

56:47

no one was

56:48

it wasn't like i said we're going to go make this plan

56:50

without met if homes like met com is

56:52

going to be fun and i denied myself

56:56

that

56:58

the or i've never forgot that and when i feel

57:01

the myself

57:02

sabotaging myself or something good

57:05

when i'm upset today i

57:07

remember that sleep over

57:09

that becomes an emotional button

57:12

patton break for me in the same

57:14

way that you know

57:16

the love me

57:17

the patent right for you and i think that such

57:20

that those things have really really powerful if you've

57:22

ever fine on for anyone out there who have finds

57:24

one of these write it down and

57:26

have it somewhere where it's to have said that

57:28

next time a situation like that

57:30

cause you have a place

57:32

the go to connect with that truth

57:35

the life is there's all these traits and winston

57:37

churchill said men occasionally stumble over the truth

57:39

but most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing

57:41

happened

57:42

you occasionally stumble over truth

57:45

about life about

57:46

about your partner about your relationship about yourself

57:49

when you get one of those truths like

57:52

right down somewhere where in new your

57:54

moments where you're finding it hard to access

57:56

trace

57:57

you can you can go there because in

58:00

a life changing and they plug you back in

58:03

her her life itself and what's important

58:07

that's really critical there's

58:09

one thing about me that i

58:11

think is really help a lot with my success

58:13

which is that i don't trust everything

58:15

i feel i recognize myself

58:17

as a deeply flawed individual that

58:19

routinely does dumb things that

58:22

may sound negative but it

58:24

it has stopped me from compounding

58:27

the problems and so i remember

58:30

when you were telling a story unfortunately for

58:33

me that mama came much later in life

58:35

the lease and i got in a huge

58:37

fights the biggest fight we've ever been into this day and

58:41

we were yelling at each other over

58:43

a cup of tea and

58:46

the fight have been going on for it

58:48

had to be hosted two hours and

58:50

we were honor way to way

58:53

weekend away and among

58:55

the freeway and i take the exam like we're going

58:57

back home this is a waste is no point going on this

58:59

vacation and i turn the car

59:01

around we start heading back

59:03

the oven doing that because the voice of my

59:05

head was screaming like why are we fighting you're

59:07

gonna regret wasting their time on this and

59:10

i turn around we're headed home and i'm like

59:13

the

59:14

there's no way you're this

59:17

angry over a cup of tea

59:19

what do you actually upset about

59:21

and

59:22

in fight and i literally said okay hold on

59:24

hold on hold

59:26

that

59:27

i can't be this angry about a cupboard you

59:30

can be this angry about a cup of tea what are we actually

59:32

fighting about and so then

59:35

i was just like i'm just gonna say like

59:37

the raw shit ever like of my

59:39

most naked i'm

59:41

, recognize that my

59:43

motives here are probably petty and

59:46

that you've triggered an insecurity

59:48

and me and i need to figure out what it is and

59:50

so i just started talking we finally figured out

59:52

what it was

59:54

and she figured out what it was for her and

59:57

we said we're never going to argue about the t

59:59

a oh and we're always gonna figure

1:00:01

out like him because unfortunately you get caught

1:00:04

up in a micro personality you said you're not

1:00:06

you're right mind you get in the neurochemical

1:00:08

state and , really become

1:00:10

a different version of yourself and

1:00:12

so mike when we slip into that

1:00:14

different version let's make sure that

1:00:16

we identify what we're really fighting

1:00:18

about and so in

1:00:21

there and and longtime listeners

1:00:23

wolf heard me describe this before but for anybody's

1:00:25

was and for the first time so at

1:00:27

that time in our lives we were really

1:00:29

poor and i was working

1:00:32

really hard to try to be successful and i

1:00:34

hated my fucking life and i was

1:00:36

just so desperate i had told her

1:00:38

i was going to make her rich her rich my

1:00:40

father and i was gonna make his daughter rich he did not

1:00:42

want me to marry his daughter he did not think i was going to

1:00:44

be successful and i wasn't info

1:00:47

like all of my worst nightmares are coming through my

1:00:49

wife is clipping coupons and so

1:00:52

i was just like you have to let me work

1:00:54

all the time and if the only way

1:00:56

that i'm in i'm a good i'm getting emotional now

1:00:58

because this isn't just the fuck and story i was like

1:01:00

really in it and remember i don't know what that's

1:01:03

i'm i'm actually going to be successful all

1:01:05

i know with i've taken her from

1:01:07

a a much easier life and

1:01:09

i've made things really hard for her and

1:01:12

i'm in a dark place and i finally

1:01:14

agreed to take a weekend away and like go

1:01:16

travel and so unlike we can afford

1:01:19

a hotel but we're going to get a hotel and i'm doing

1:01:21

this for you and i'm freaking

1:01:23

out i think that if i

1:01:25

don't end up being successful you're not going to love me so there's

1:01:27

like a lot on the fucking line but i haven't

1:01:29

said any of this allowed i'm not even aware

1:01:31

of that myself right i haven't like put all this

1:01:33

together i just know i wake

1:01:36

up i'm ready to go there going to let

1:01:38

us into the room at like one o'clock or whatever

1:01:40

so i want to make sure we're

1:01:42

there so we get every penny

1:01:45

out of this hotel room

1:01:47

i have not had any other

1:01:49

i wake up

1:01:50

my wife is thinking oh my god the

1:01:52

time is her quality time with her love language

1:01:55

he finally taking time for me we're

1:01:58

gonna have this special

1:01:59

weekend away and

1:02:02

i want to start slow and have a

1:02:04

cup of tea and just have him sit

1:02:07

with me and like we can just like

1:02:09

sink in and like really be with each other and

1:02:11

so i'm like what are you

1:02:13

doing you're having a cup of tea like the

1:02:16

the cars pack let's go and

1:02:18

she's like but like want to have to have of tea now

1:02:20

what she meant was i wanna be

1:02:23

with you and what i meant was

1:02:25

i'm trying to serve you and make good

1:02:27

on my promises and for me to

1:02:29

spend money and take time away from taking

1:02:32

care of you as is like it's like

1:02:34

breaking the promise i made it to

1:02:36

keep you alive and so all

1:02:39

of this collides over a fucking have a t and

1:02:41

so now once we finally

1:02:44

said those things i was like oh my

1:02:46

thoughts like seeing it from your perspective

1:02:48

i totally get it i how

1:02:50

honor you which is what i'm trying to do

1:02:53

by building a business and getting wealthy and all

1:02:55

that is to honor you an honor my promises

1:02:58

actually that while you have a cup of tea

1:03:00

and we could have started this all out him and it have

1:03:03

been amazing but

1:03:06

i wasn't i wasn't putting

1:03:08

it together my own mind and mind certainly wasn't articulating

1:03:10

it's you and vice versa right and

1:03:13

so now we're like will catch ourselves

1:03:15

twenty minutes into an argument were arguing about

1:03:17

the t like what's really

1:03:19

going on here because i have just learned one

1:03:21

truth if you're in a fight

1:03:23

someone has triggered your and security

1:03:26

the area there's no alternative there's

1:03:28

no other like oh this was actually

1:03:30

really about this thing know know you're

1:03:32

insecure about something and once

1:03:35

you can figure out what you're actually insecure

1:03:37

about then you can have the real conversation

1:03:41

hell then dude you're gonna lose

1:03:44

that is

1:03:45

one of the most powerful and one of

1:03:48

my favorite

1:03:50

relationships stories i've ever

1:03:52

heard

1:03:53

that's certainly changed our lives but man

1:03:55

and the moment it was

1:03:58

ugly and i felt really stupid

1:04:00

the

1:04:02

i mean i i commend you for sharing

1:04:04

and being vulnerable enough to do that because i think that

1:04:06

you with that one story you're

1:04:10

helping how many people because

1:04:12

it's the cup of tea

1:04:16

what makes these

1:04:18

things feel so shameful

1:04:20

an embarrassing to talk about

1:04:23

the ever went outside of the car

1:04:26

that it feels

1:04:28

the said and and that's

1:04:30

what it feels like in real relationships

1:04:32

is the the arguments we have

1:04:35

still so intensely private

1:04:37

because they so they so we

1:04:39

feel so naked

1:04:41

oh exposed and all

1:04:43

of us guys go out into our lives with

1:04:47

this kind of alpher energy and putting

1:04:49

, a front and being a certain thing with all of our friends

1:04:52

are so stripped bare by those

1:04:54

arguments and you

1:04:57

know i i i think the what everyone

1:05:00

i hope everyone he is enough story

1:05:02

is that you decided to stop

1:05:04

the car that

1:05:07

to me is like the heroic moment of

1:05:09

the story is that you stop

1:05:11

the car

1:05:12

and that is a choice and i don't

1:05:14

know where that comes from in you

1:05:18

stop the car

1:05:21

the the moment and i have you ever got into the at

1:05:23

the american version of the office

1:05:25

there was a moment with jim and pam

1:05:27

one of the great kind of love story of the shower

1:05:30

yeah

1:05:32

he said a ball

1:05:34

with her ex

1:05:36

and heard his kind of

1:05:38

burrow

1:05:39

and

1:05:41

he's off in another town studying

1:05:44

and they're a part in the doing long distance and

1:05:46

they have not been used to doing that and the

1:05:48

finding their feet with it and she gets

1:05:50

a voicemail

1:05:52

he gets a voice mail from her because she's out

1:05:55

super light and she gets he gets kind of like i think

1:05:57

of drunken voicemail i

1:06:00

never die in the background and you

1:06:02

know

1:06:03

the guy the ex who

1:06:05

is the quintessential

1:06:08

territorial kind of caveman

1:06:12

stand your ground don't pop

1:06:14

with that nonsense get jealous kind of

1:06:16

a guy

1:06:18

he

1:06:19

the in his he gets engines head

1:06:21

and he says you're okay with that

1:06:25

jim never been like that

1:06:27

the never fretted about that kind of thing with

1:06:29

her

1:06:30

the x getting ahead and says that

1:06:33

i would worry me i've i be okay

1:06:35

with that she was out that light and

1:06:37

i would be new friend of hers

1:06:40

jim get in the car

1:06:42

and he stopped driving

1:06:44

an hour

1:06:45

the where she is to train

1:06:48

he was you might be up to

1:06:49

that night

1:06:51

and catch her in something

1:06:53

the get

1:06:54

on the freeway

1:06:56

then it catches himself

1:06:59

and he said

1:07:02

stop he grabbed the wheel

1:07:04

and

1:07:05

hunt car around and

1:07:07

he said you know what know

1:07:10

though

1:07:11

that is no our relationship and i'm

1:07:13

not that guy

1:07:16

and he makes a decision the height

1:07:18

of the hard thing he interrupts

1:07:22

this trajectory

1:07:23

that is gonna inevitably lead

1:07:26

to broken trust in their relationship

1:07:29

she's not going to feel trusted

1:07:31

they're going to have a fight they're going to have some kind of a breakdown

1:07:35

and he decided that not gonna

1:07:37

be us that moment

1:07:39

is the most heroic moment anyone can have

1:07:42

in a relationship and

1:07:44

it might seem from the outside like that wasn't such

1:07:46

a big deal and wasn't such a big deal to stop the car

1:07:48

and at but when you're in it on that level

1:07:51

the most difficult thing

1:07:53

in the world

1:07:55

and the thing i'd say

1:07:57

to people a lot is

1:07:59

when you're

1:07:59

that territory maybe you maybe

1:08:02

you haven't found any to stop the collier

1:08:05

maybe haven't got there maybe like you just com

1:08:10

the

1:08:11

fine be

1:08:12

the inches find the one percent shift

1:08:18

if you're in an argument

1:08:20

and

1:08:22

you see thing but you reach

1:08:24

out your hand

1:08:26

and you just

1:08:28

you might just put it next

1:08:30

to their hand you might just

1:08:32

for two seconds like just

1:08:34

strike their hand and then you put

1:08:36

your hand back

1:08:39

or maybe just one percent

1:08:41

the haven't said anything to rectify the situation

1:08:43

you haven't

1:08:44

the that one percent registered

1:08:46

with them

1:08:49

they're mad at you

1:08:51

if they felt your handful one

1:08:52

and i'm what they really felt was humility

1:08:55

what they really

1:08:56

it was an act of vulnerability what they really

1:08:58

felt was this person just a that

1:09:00

one second

1:09:02

in reaching out to me

1:09:04

dropping their pride just a little bit

1:09:07

maybe just enough

1:09:10

for me to reach my handbag

1:09:12

and grab a little finger enough

1:09:15

and in that

1:09:18

the all of one percent

1:09:21

the actually begins this snowball

1:09:24

check out of the situation

1:09:27

and i think that things don't change

1:09:29

the

1:09:30

no one makes that one that lived

1:09:32

it so preoccupied with how hard

1:09:34

it would be to turn it around

1:09:37

they don't even if it another way

1:09:39

through it they don't do that one

1:09:41

thing

1:09:42

that would soften the other person enough

1:09:45

for them to do a gentler thing

1:09:47

how on and so on and so on

1:09:50

was awesome is you

1:09:52

didn't do it just do that

1:09:54

stop the car the ama that terrifyingly

1:09:56

good advice like the the little

1:09:58

hand outrage

1:09:59

the reminder that you love somebody

1:10:02

that's really is and one it is very hard

1:10:05

to do in those moments right

1:10:07

it really goes a long way and

1:10:10

i worry that

1:10:13

part of why i

1:10:15

have been successful in relations i think

1:10:18

this is the same for you but i don't want to pay you with his brush

1:10:20

if if you don't think that it feels right but is

1:10:22

that i am on disorders

1:10:26

male female spectrum i definitely

1:10:28

have like a lot of female feminine

1:10:30

energy

1:10:32

that serve mean really well

1:10:34

like you write for cosmo magazine

1:10:36

or has to iraq area so

1:10:39

i have many many times

1:10:41

said that part of the reason that i ended up getting good

1:10:43

at relationships is when i was a teenager

1:10:46

and i was terrible with women people always

1:10:48

used to joke that men didn't understand women so i

1:10:50

used to go read cosmo magazine and the way

1:10:52

to like better understand them and

1:10:54

, think it's actually really really smart

1:10:57

like the more that you can find

1:11:00

those ways to reach

1:11:02

out to break down the barriers to be

1:11:04

communicative to be a motive to

1:11:07

identify your own insecurities to articulate

1:11:09

them all things that are technically like not

1:11:12

the sort of brutish masculine

1:11:14

day now i think to something we

1:11:16

haven't talked about here but i've heard you speak very eloquently

1:11:18

about you also need to be able to

1:11:20

be tough and masculine and all that

1:11:22

stuff but if you can do both

1:11:25

if you can be softer not moment instead

1:11:27

of trying to win the argument especially

1:11:29

in in fact here here is really

1:11:32

your own test

1:11:34

yeah how do you act

1:11:37

when you know you're right

1:11:39

you got him dead to rights for

1:11:41

you've caught them out since it's obvious

1:11:43

in that moment they are wrong and you're right

1:11:46

the not moment are you dunking on them or

1:11:49

are you like because

1:11:51

the way i think about it is oh

1:11:53

my god i know in the

1:11:55

next breath i might be the one that

1:11:57

we both realized is wrong so

1:12:00

in this moment i'm deposit the by about

1:12:02

it because i don't want to let

1:12:04

the oh get caught out like i want

1:12:06

the grace the next time and

1:12:10

in those moments of you can be

1:12:12

that

1:12:13

gentoo or

1:12:15

reaching hand to

1:12:17

again to want them to win to help

1:12:19

them back to not be like i told

1:12:22

you and it's like give them

1:12:24

that grace and help

1:12:26

them find the exit ramp

1:12:29

man like when i think about what really

1:12:31

has made lisa and i stand the test the

1:12:33

time because it certainly isn't that were perfect

1:12:35

it certainly isn't that we don't do dumb

1:12:37

things or get petty

1:12:39

or be insecure it's that we're always

1:12:42

trying to as really goes by

1:12:44

and i'd never heard anybody say that we use

1:12:46

had it earlier like

1:12:48

how do they help you deal with something

1:12:50

that when you're insecure whatever that

1:12:54

man if you can really be art

1:12:56

for in that moment and not

1:12:58

try to banks to win but

1:13:00

instead bank the grace

1:13:03

that goes a long way

1:13:05

that i think it's very well said tom

1:13:07

and i think that

1:13:08

that is

1:13:10

the me at least born out of humility

1:13:14

born out of exactly what you said

1:13:16

i don't know when it's gonna be my turn

1:13:20

the

1:13:21

let hopefully

1:13:23

we've been

1:13:24

daily life goes on we

1:13:27

we suffer enough and we go through enough

1:13:29

pain and we get punched in the face enough that

1:13:31

we come to have a little humility we

1:13:34

come to realize that we

1:13:37

all make mistakes that there

1:13:39

are things that we have found incredibly difficult

1:13:41

to shake

1:13:43

with the person you're with

1:13:45

i understand that it is hard for

1:13:47

them to shake

1:13:49

that thing you don't like that they do

1:13:52

the is for you to shake

1:13:55

that thing and you that

1:13:57

you spent your whole life trying to

1:14:00

stop doing

1:14:01

the condo

1:14:03

you know it it's he has some

1:14:05

might say i i really frustrated with

1:14:07

my part the way my partner relates

1:14:09

to

1:14:10

alcohol

1:14:12

the

1:14:13

might be and i'm not said i'm

1:14:15

at this isn't an excuse or

1:14:17

excusing someone and and and

1:14:19

it's divorced from the kind of actual kind

1:14:21

of effect on a relationship that something

1:14:23

is happening but just in theory

1:14:26

where how difficult vice

1:14:28

find it to give up that glass

1:14:32

of wine that they have every night that bothers

1:14:34

you

1:14:35

or that couple of boss

1:14:36

one that bothers you every night is as

1:14:38

difficult for you

1:14:40

the about being a workaholic

1:14:44

they're all part of an addiction spectrum

1:14:47

the

1:14:48

the partner is addicted to certain behaviors

1:14:51

that make it really tough for them to change

1:14:53

and were addicted to certain things that make it

1:14:55

really hard for us

1:14:57

the change now that means it's probably

1:15:00

good sense not to have a relationship with

1:15:02

someone were

1:15:03

your addictions

1:15:05

make do so immediately incompatible

1:15:08

that

1:15:09

you're gonna make each other miserable on a really long

1:15:11

timeline

1:15:13

that doesn't mean that

1:15:15

in other areas where maybe

1:15:18

your

1:15:19

the two of you are actually that far

1:15:21

off you got similar values

1:15:25

you have a similar outlook on life

1:15:27

that your core

1:15:29

you have the same heart

1:15:31

the different

1:15:33

allows more grace in those

1:15:36

situations and perhaps can get

1:15:38

a little bit i i you know you

1:15:40

and i were talking earlier about just his you

1:15:42

tube and how you'd trial certain things

1:15:44

for you tube because it helps and

1:15:47

one of the pitfalls of my

1:15:49

line of work is that people love hearing about

1:15:51

red flags

1:15:53

enter any time you title something with red

1:15:55

flags in it

1:15:56

people people want to watch that

1:15:58

problem with that is

1:15:59

people get addicted to looking for red flags

1:16:02

of can ask you think that they're worried

1:16:04

they're seeing them

1:16:06

are they looking for a justification to get alec

1:16:08

why as red flags so popular i think

1:16:11

that it speaks to some part of us

1:16:13

that i is playing detective with what's

1:16:15

going to go wrong and we

1:16:17

wanted

1:16:18

no we and i we we love

1:16:20

like what how , i know

1:16:22

that this thing they just did is actually a sign that they're

1:16:24

gonna ruin my life i want to know that now but

1:16:27

it also it is something cathartic about

1:16:29

it for situations that already happened for us if

1:16:32

, someone did a lot of damage to me

1:16:35

the something about a red

1:16:37

flags videos

1:16:38

repealing just from a retrospective point

1:16:40

of view say ,

1:16:42

was that saying and a fight have seen that you know

1:16:44

i i now know that was a giant red

1:16:46

flag and you know i get some voice

1:16:49

that thing but the danger

1:16:51

of course of becoming obsessed with

1:16:54

looking for red flags is that you will find them

1:16:56

and everything

1:16:58

the flaring up at the beginning of our relationship

1:17:00

over something

1:17:02

she could have easily watch one of my videos and gone

1:17:04

served as a red for said it's

1:17:07

like this like this giant red flag i don't know i

1:17:09

don't know about this

1:17:10

you could i had a conversation with our friends and on this is

1:17:12

a red the and are you know no no that's a red

1:17:14

flag if you know

1:17:16

we all have red flags

1:17:18

on from level we all have something because we're

1:17:20

all bringing baggage

1:17:22

the table

1:17:24

what red flag for knowledge

1:17:26

no doubt

1:17:28

that's really interesting that

1:17:32

the the i'm curious if

1:17:34

i can look at your stats is is

1:17:37

your audience more female or male morphine

1:17:39

oh okay salary growing my audience

1:17:41

over the over the years are we now have a good

1:17:44

had a sizable mail contingent but

1:17:46

but still predominantly female

1:17:48

let's talk about one of the most important

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impact take care and be

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legendary

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there's when you say that it's more of

1:24:19

a detective thing one

1:24:22

, the things i want to talk to you about is a difference

1:24:24

between men and women and

1:24:28

one of the things could i'm obsessed with this

1:24:30

and i got obsessed with it who

1:24:32

so the human brain

1:24:34

is a prediction machine so

1:24:36

, and it began with

1:24:38

really are beginning to be able to predict

1:24:41

the body and what would movie towards food

1:24:43

and all of that but it's become ah

1:24:45

not only are we predicting limbs and where they are in

1:24:47

space in there some fascinating your research

1:24:49

about that but especially when

1:24:51

it comes to women it becomes i'm

1:24:54

sorry before i get to the the part about women just

1:24:56

you to successfully

1:24:58

stay alive you have to be able to accurately predict

1:25:01

so it is incredibly deeply ingrained

1:25:03

in us us when you start looking at

1:25:05

the sexes for men

1:25:07

getting someone pregnant making

1:25:09

sure the passer jeans on is a very

1:25:11

low effort

1:25:14

endeavor but for endeavor woman it's incredibly expensive

1:25:16

and so men are looking for signs

1:25:18

of fertility and women are looking for

1:25:21

is this gonna be a good

1:25:23

investment are they gonna be here for the long

1:25:25

haul and so it puts them

1:25:28

more in a like i have to be a detective

1:25:30

and i have to suss out and

1:25:33

it's become bizarrely taboo

1:25:36

to talk about the differences between men and women

1:25:38

i find it utterly strange because

1:25:41

your brain is predicted machine and you should want anything

1:25:43

that helps you make better predictions and so i

1:25:45

became obsessed with this when i couldn't

1:25:48

get a girlfriend in the beginning some i get the fuck am i doing

1:25:50

wrong like it just i could not predict

1:25:53

how behavior a on a date

1:25:55

would lead to the outcome that i

1:25:57

wanted and so i started like really

1:25:59

going the rabbit hole and then because

1:26:02

back in the i would have gotten good at this

1:26:04

right at the end of the nineties

1:26:06

beginning of the two thousand and

1:26:09

so that wasn't weird at that time

1:26:11

to be like are women are like this women are like this

1:26:13

men are from mars women are from venus right way and

1:26:17

so as i've watched it become taboo

1:26:19

i'm like yo yo yo don't let this become

1:26:21

a taboo think you are fucking yourselves up

1:26:23

because if you don't recognize and look i'm

1:26:26

these are broad strokes and of course

1:26:28

is somebody who admits that i have a

1:26:30

lot of salmon and energy like

1:26:33

a hundred percent i think guys can

1:26:35

you don't have to be to woman to have

1:26:37

those intuitions or whatever but once

1:26:40

you understand the broad strokes you can predict

1:26:42

things a lot better what are some

1:26:45

things that you see and

1:26:47

i'll be curious to see like if this makes you uncomfortable

1:26:49

vi know like this like this it is ah

1:26:52

what are some broad strokes you've seen that are different

1:26:54

between men and women

1:26:56

that i consider myself an

1:26:59

empiricist

1:27:00

lively so i

1:27:04

and for though they don't know what an empiricist

1:27:09

a rationalist says

1:27:11

you know

1:27:13

because x plus

1:27:16

y equals the

1:27:18

and

1:27:19

that the the model that's the

1:27:21

theory and therefore that's what happens and and

1:27:24

and appears empiricists says

1:27:26

productive that the

1:27:28

rationalist viewpoint that the assertion that

1:27:31

let me

1:27:33

hammer out

1:27:35

against the the and i love my experience

1:27:37

as a of what i've

1:27:39

noticed like seemed peeve of mine

1:27:41

data yeah like what is what's

1:27:44

the story in my own life to that feel

1:27:47

her

1:27:48

the

1:27:51

i was gonna show

1:27:54

the number of years back

1:27:57

where

1:27:58

i was

1:27:59

panel with

1:28:02

another man and woman

1:28:06

the

1:28:08

the concept of first

1:28:10

date sex came

1:28:15

the

1:28:16

people they were talking to kind of subject

1:28:19

matter was should you have sex on a first

1:28:21

date

1:28:23

and somehow i think it go onto differences

1:28:26

between men and women now

1:28:28

that i don't have any i

1:28:30

don't care who has sex on a thursday as

1:28:32

long as

1:28:33

you know

1:28:34

hi

1:28:36

put yourself in an unsafe situation and we

1:28:38

all know by the wife there's a difference immediately

1:28:41

the a man going

1:28:43

home with a woman we

1:28:46

know is not it is safer

1:28:48

than women going home

1:28:50

the man because there's a size difference so

1:28:53

we already know none of none of

1:28:55

us could claim that it doesn't feel like

1:28:57

there's a safety issue on one side

1:28:59

that's not quite the same on the other

1:29:02

so there's a there's a difference already

1:29:05

there

1:29:06

that i was also

1:29:09

saying that from i am

1:29:11

not speaking at for me as a man

1:29:13

i'm speaking from fifteen years of

1:29:15

working with women in this area and answering

1:29:18

their questions that

1:29:20

and i've worked with men to

1:29:22

more often the case amongst

1:29:25

the women that come to me that

1:29:26

they regret having slept with someone to quickly

1:29:30

then it is

1:29:31

for men to come to me saying the same thing that

1:29:34

already is suggestive of a difference

1:29:37

the i made a point in the context of first date

1:29:39

sex was kind of it's kind of and know yourself

1:29:42

argument

1:29:43

no you know if you know you're gonna

1:29:45

you have a kind of tendency

1:29:47

to feel used after that and

1:29:49

your the know yourself well enough not to do something

1:29:52

is gonna make you feel bad at the end of

1:29:54

it

1:29:55

the

1:29:57

that it was an interesting it was a bit like

1:29:59

it felt like

1:30:00

empirical meeting rational because the

1:30:02

guy the i was with

1:30:04

read up

1:30:06

they said this is lot shiny

1:30:08

wow how dare you

1:30:10

this is and i said

1:30:13

i'm not talking from the not

1:30:15

talking about what you was right and wrong

1:30:18

i'm saying from everyone

1:30:20

i've coached

1:30:22

that there's a decent amount

1:30:24

regret amongst people have

1:30:26

the threat with someone to quickly

1:30:28

i get i stories from women

1:30:32

and he couldn't he couldn't get

1:30:34

his mind out that say it became

1:30:36

a really combat is issue

1:30:39

the led to a kind of early ending

1:30:41

to the show

1:30:42

that bad with the the

1:30:45

on the panel said

1:30:47

they actually

1:30:49

completely understand and agree

1:30:51

one matthew was

1:30:52

they are absolutely makes

1:30:54

sense to me from my experience

1:30:57

as a woman

1:30:58

like i said i was speaking from experience of a man

1:31:00

i was speaking from the x literally were

1:31:02

repeating what the said to me ad nauseum

1:31:05

for years

1:31:06

what was wrong i was saying

1:31:08

you have to way out for yourself what

1:31:11

what that makes you feel afterwards

1:31:14

the biggest area the

1:31:16

i see the difference that

1:31:19

is really really destructive

1:31:22

then the issue of the biological clock

1:31:26

because

1:31:27

my work i have dealt

1:31:29

with

1:31:30

so many i mean to

1:31:32

get people ask for those that are just meeting

1:31:34

me to die you three the shower to give people a scale

1:31:37

i'm

1:31:39

i'm not talking thousands of people

1:31:41

on talking millions of people over

1:31:43

fifteen years

1:31:45

the hundreds of thousands live in

1:31:47

my cause and events

1:31:49

and retreat

1:31:52

i have dealt with so

1:31:54

many

1:31:55

hundreds of thousands of women who are in there

1:31:58

that taste

1:32:00

who

1:32:02

the have reached a point where this life's

1:32:04

goal they have

1:32:07

it's coming into question

1:32:10

the make a career goal canada the

1:32:12

life goal of having a family having children

1:32:14

nice

1:32:15

and

1:32:18

they are now

1:32:20

starting to as any of us do

1:32:22

you did

1:32:24

lisa where there was a life goal

1:32:26

you had being able to provide the

1:32:28

protect and and give her the lives

1:32:30

that you wanted to give that you wanted to provide

1:32:32

you'd there was an anxiety about that

1:32:35

those are censored

1:32:36

oh my god what's the sports i can't do this was

1:32:38

it doesn't happen that

1:32:41

is what i experience in so many

1:32:43

women that come to me who

1:32:45

really one family

1:32:48

finding that there is a kind of anxiety

1:32:51

that creeps in that turns into panic at

1:32:53

some point for lot of people and then of course greece

1:32:55

if it doesn't happen

1:32:56

that when can invade their dating

1:32:59

life

1:33:00

and so

1:33:01

the really

1:33:04

it's a key difference for i've

1:33:06

tried to actually

1:33:08

level the playing field on

1:33:10

in my work to give women their power back

1:33:13

well firstly i think

1:33:16

we live in a while to die and look these

1:33:18

things costs money but we live in a while today where

1:33:20

people can actually decide to go a different

1:33:23

direction or they could decide to freeze their eggs

1:33:25

or they can decide to have a baby on their own or but

1:33:27