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Wilcox, finale, welcome to

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Improv4humans with Matt Besser,

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that's me! Alright,

2:58

I think it worked. Right.

3:01

Welcome y'all. Thank you. That's

3:04

a great beat to it. My

3:07

shoulder and neck are cracking as I dance

3:10

to that song. How

3:13

are you guys doing? I keep saying before

3:15

and now during the show, I truly mean

3:17

it. I haven't seen you guys

3:19

in a while. Yeah. And I miss

3:21

you guys. We have

3:23

a five month old, so

3:26

we haven't slept as much as we

3:28

like, I would say. Sleep is

3:32

elusive. Yeah. Congratulations.

3:36

I like going into any creative

3:38

project just letting everyone

3:40

know, hey, if we suck, it's

3:42

because of a baby. Okay? It's

3:46

a man's fault. A little tiny man

3:48

that we made. We

3:51

made a little tiny man. It's his

3:53

fault. We suck. Amazing.

3:55

This is totally new info. Yeah.

3:59

Exciting. to hear this and that's just

4:01

how we're gonna begin is I got a question

4:03

for you. Uh-huh. Like

4:06

I found like the first three

4:10

or four weeks to

4:13

be uh besides

4:16

just saying mind-blowing to be like

4:18

I went from I'm

4:23

a completely different person and

4:25

yes and that

4:27

the responsibility that hit us,

4:29

me, and like

4:31

maybe I should say first three days

4:33

you're like oh fuck. And it

4:36

never ends. This doesn't... Right. I

4:38

am complete and this isn't a negative thing people.

4:40

I don't want you to think hear me and

4:42

say that I'm a little negative. I

4:44

felt that anyway. I was a little

4:46

like oh I can't. I almost felt

4:48

like chemicals were kicking in like

4:51

primitive. My primal self was saying

4:55

remember when you used to think the

4:57

comedy bit you're working on was the most

4:59

important thing you like. That

5:01

will never occur to you again. Remember doing

5:04

comedy at 3 a.m. in

5:07

a diaper? That's not gonna happen. Now someone else

5:09

is gonna be wearing a diaper. Let

5:14

me let me try to... The

5:16

negative yes the not sleeping the

5:19

oh my god responsibility but also

5:21

I'm actually trying to say

5:24

it's a positive kind of feeling that

5:26

came over almost like I'm

5:29

not expressing myself well. I'm responsible

5:32

for this human being and that's

5:34

an awesome thing. Not necessarily like

5:37

a responsibility but also in those

5:39

first weeks of like what

5:42

the fuck am I supposed to do

5:44

and in those first days it's like

5:46

yeah are they breathing? What? Yeah. Constantly

5:51

think they're dead that never ends. But

5:55

there's new parents it doesn't and if you're

5:57

still feeling that it doesn't and it's... super

6:00

scary. It gets worse and worse. You

6:03

think it gets worse? Yeah, oh

6:05

yeah. Yeah, yeah. I get more terrified

6:07

every day. It's

6:10

a priority shift that happens immediately. It's

6:12

like a light switch that just

6:14

clicks on. The priority shift is

6:17

massive. So it's like, oh, this is the most important

6:19

thing in the world to me. I

6:22

think that's the positive, the

6:24

flooding feeling that I think some

6:26

new parents feel. It's

6:28

adrenaline, right? You're not

6:31

sleeping. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's more than

6:33

just like, oh, this is nice. I have a

6:35

baby. There's like some chemical going on that it's

6:37

almost like you can't control. Yeah,

6:40

and if you guys think you were experiencing

6:42

chemical. Yeah, amen. Just kidding. Woo!

6:46

No, no, no, shush, shush. You don't get

6:48

it. You don't understand what it's like

6:50

to do that. If I may, gentlemen, if

6:53

I may, actually, my

6:56

vagina had been ripped in half as well, and

7:02

my butt was outside my body in addition

7:05

to the chemicals. So

7:10

there's a little bit of that. But no, I did,

7:12

this is actually, this

7:15

baby is our second baby. And

7:17

so it's different. We've already had

7:19

that experience with our first kid

7:21

where you're

7:23

like, oh, I can't leave

7:26

the house without either

7:28

bringing the baby or, you know,

7:31

it's like when we got a dog, well, we can stick the dog in

7:33

a crate and you can't do that with a kid. It's

7:36

a round of fun. You can. Yeah, not

7:38

anymore, maybe in the 80s.

7:41

But with the second

7:43

kid, it is, like

7:45

we already, our life was already cracked open

7:47

and ripped apart and turned upside down

7:50

and stitched back together like that, what happens to that

7:52

first kid. So this time you're like, oh, I've done

7:54

this before. I'm tired, but

7:56

like, you know,

7:58

I'm used to. the

8:00

parenting part. Now there's

8:02

just two. Those first couple of weeks are

8:05

still crazy because you're older now

8:07

and it's like your body can't necessarily because

8:09

it went through that little, but the first

8:11

kid, it's, you're kind of remembering, but also

8:13

you're like, I don't want to do this

8:15

again. Yeah. This is really tough.

8:17

You have like no choice. And then another kid comes in

8:19

the door of your bedroom

8:21

and just wakes everyone up. You know, so

8:24

now there's just like this external alien that

8:26

just kind of comes down to earth and

8:28

ruins the party all the time. You

8:31

know, right? When shit just gets like

8:33

physically and mentally, we're at our

8:35

best. That's what we're trying to

8:38

do. We're at our best mentally,

8:40

physically, spiritually. They're

8:43

better. And then do it all in this

8:45

year of 2023. It's

8:50

been a pretty chill year. It's

8:53

not a lot of stress. Yeah. These

8:56

last couple of years would have been like chill as hell.

8:58

Really? Chill. Everything

9:00

makes sense. I feel safe. But hold on.

9:03

Do you not feel that maybe and say,

9:06

no, you're crazy. We've experienced

9:08

it all. But is

9:10

there not when you are in

9:12

that baby, I want to say bubble, a

9:15

responsibility that you're like, I don't,

9:17

I can't even deal with Trump.

9:20

Like I can't even think. I'm not

9:23

even, you guys can get all mad.

9:25

I'm so just dealing with this immediate

9:27

thing. It does. It

9:30

does really. Yeah. And you

9:32

know, he's a cute little baby. It's nice. Trump,

9:34

you're saying, right? Trump's a cute little baby. Trump's

9:37

a cute little baby. Yes. He's

9:39

so cute. It's hard to take anything. You

9:41

can't get mad at him because it's like, well, he doesn't know

9:43

what he's doing. He can't even get

9:46

mad. That

9:48

is a great idea. But it

9:50

does insulate you a little bit, definitely. We

9:54

just don't have the mental capacity for

9:56

it. You're just too tired. Take care.

9:58

Like there's the strike stuff. All

10:00

other stuff. We're trying to pick it, you know, like we're

10:02

trying to like We're

10:04

trying to do a lot of stuff to support union

10:07

stuff, but also Support family stuff

10:09

and it's a real my fix. I just

10:11

don't have the mental capacity to like deal

10:13

with some of the atrocities Of

10:15

the world even though they're directly affecting

10:18

or indirectly affecting my new family.

10:20

We have to knock their

10:23

door You

10:26

know, hello, oh You

10:29

guys are answering their door. Yeah,

10:31

buddy. It's Roger. Hey, what's up, man? Sorry,

10:35

sorry, I'm covered in shit Yeah,

10:39

yeah, congrats on all that the

10:41

baby second one, right? Yeah second

10:43

one. Great job. Do you

10:45

guys on that? Are you through the? The

10:49

are you still in the bubble? Do you want me

10:51

to leave you alone? Are you it's been

10:54

a few weeks. I was giving you time. Yeah,

10:56

I know we're going to duck hunting. Oh really

11:01

Yeah, man, the bubbles like been great like it's

11:05

We just kind of get shit on and we're not

11:07

sleeping in here But we have no idea what's been

11:09

going on outside. I literally have no idea. It's been

11:11

a few weeks really It's at the door who

11:14

is at the door. Hey, it's

11:16

Roger Roger Roger Yeah,

11:19

Roger Roger we are on some

11:21

chemicals right now. Yeah, you want in on

11:23

this shit, man I

11:27

was hoping you guys were kind of through

11:29

the zone now. We're in the Gilled

11:32

up by now Right

11:34

now man, we're in the bubble. We're in

11:36

the baby bubble. You want to join our baby bubble? Oh, no,

11:38

no, no, no, no No shit. We

11:40

got oxytocin We

11:43

got adrenaline Cordo homie

11:45

in cortisol serotonin

11:49

and because all and

11:51

the goo You

11:54

guys are all still chemical that man

11:56

you think duck hunting sucking interesting you

11:59

come into this Baby bubble, baby. Come into

12:01

our baby bubble. We're not duck hunting anymore. We're

12:03

not duck hunting anymore. We're enlightened, man. We're

12:05

in the baby bubble. You want to get

12:07

in the baby bubble? We cut to an hour later, the neighbors,

12:10

some of the neighbors that are their friends are

12:13

gathered outside the house. I don't know, man. I

12:15

feel like they've been in the bubble too

12:17

long, like dangerously long. Hasn't it

12:19

been a few years? What's

12:23

that? It's a baby, it's a toddler now.

12:25

They're not leaving the bubble. There's

12:28

like a lot of lights going on in the house.

12:30

It looks like a disco

12:32

party, almost like 12

12:34

hours a day. It's just going crazy. Yeah, and

12:36

every time I go there, they're like, I'm covered

12:38

in shit and I feel like that's the way

12:40

they're trying to rationalize being on all these chemicals.

12:42

There's a lot of shit in there,

12:44

kid. Again, I think it's like two at

12:46

least. It's either them consciously or

12:48

subconsciously trying to keep people at bay.

12:52

Let me smell like shit. They invite

12:54

you in. Let me not go back to

12:56

work and the responsibilities of my life. That's

12:58

what I think it is. I'm

13:01

just going to ask a question. Maybe

13:03

this is crazy, but has anyone, have

13:05

you actually seen the baby? Have

13:08

we seen the baby? The second

13:10

one or the first, is there a baby?

13:15

I haven't heard a cry. I

13:17

haven't heard anything. They just said

13:19

that they had a baby. The screaming shit is

13:21

the only evidence. Yeah, there's EDM music,

13:23

strobe lights and shit. Again,

13:26

those all sound like what happened.

13:28

Three hours later, all the neighbors are at the door. Hey,

13:33

it's Roger again. Hey. We

13:37

want to see the baby. The

13:39

neighbors want to see the baby. Show

13:41

it through the bay window or something.

13:43

You see it. You see it shit. It's

13:46

all over me. Yeah. You hear

13:48

that EDM? That's baby. There's almost

13:50

too much shit. Yeah.

13:54

There's two kids. We have two kids shitting all over me.

13:57

Yeah. Yeah. Well, your first kid

13:59

would be like. years old right now yeah

14:01

yeah we don't believe in potty training

14:04

that's right can't go to work anymore

14:06

no need to yeah I need to party anymore can't mow

14:08

the lawn

14:10

we got a minute you

14:13

talk to hey

14:16

we're just like very concerned about you guys because

14:19

we haven't seen either of your

14:21

kids ever and

14:23

it's you're kind of up all night you're

14:25

kind of it's almost just like you have

14:27

a rave like almost 24-7 and you're and

14:29

you're saying you have kids with just the

14:31

two of you which is another level of

14:34

oddness that's worrying us no no

14:36

the glow sticks are baby

14:38

stuff okay the little pacifiers

14:40

around my neck baby stuff

14:42

has nothing to do with the fact that

14:44

I'm I've been on ecstasy for five years

14:47

yeah in solidarity

14:50

with my kids okay in

14:52

solidarity I'm a baby too we're

14:54

all babies in this house that's

14:56

how you get babies to understand

14:59

humanity you come into our bubble

15:01

baby and

15:04

back out on the street the

15:06

neighbors look check out

15:08

I was going through their trash well you're

15:10

just talking to him it's all Krispy

15:13

Kreme boxes there's no

15:15

other evidence of any kind of

15:17

food it's all Krispy Kreme yeah

15:20

and that's the only have one guy delivering he does come

15:22

with just this okay I look

15:24

at the head of the

15:26

HOA I just want to say they haven't

15:28

paid any HOA fees in five years I

15:30

don't even know how they don't hear

15:33

this wait I pay every year

15:35

how are we allowed okay stop

15:37

bragging George yes I am every

15:40

two years wait does

15:42

everybody's under five year cycle what

15:44

I don't even going on with

15:47

this HOA dude yeah everyone

15:49

knows your little HOA kiss-ass

15:51

that's not the stop stealing

15:53

focus but everybody's paying at different times

15:55

I thought I had to pay every year

15:57

I know this point I

16:00

pay $750 a year. I

16:04

pay $650 every three years. Wait,

16:06

that is so... First of all, it's so

16:08

low. These are low HOA fees. Yeah,

16:11

that's right. And they haven't even paid is

16:14

my point before... ...Ruthoff

16:16

the brown-nosed reindeer over here came

16:18

in bragging about how much he's paying and

16:20

how frequently. Guys, guys, the

16:23

dudes, that is important, but... Should

16:26

we be concerned about our neighbors? They are

16:28

human beings, even if they are ravers

16:31

and junkies. Oh,

16:34

yeah. I guess so. And I just want to say

16:36

the melanin in my nose. I am

16:38

sorry that it is a little off, okay? But

16:41

that does not excuse anybody for making fun

16:43

of me. And I

16:45

think that the people in that

16:47

apartment are honestly ragers,

16:50

and they don't have kids. And

16:53

I think... I

16:56

just like speaking. This is the first time everyone's

16:58

looking at me. Everyone usually doesn't pay

17:01

attention to me. Thank you

17:03

for paying attention to me, everybody. I'm

17:13

on YouTube. All right,

17:15

can you go to our Discord? There

17:17

actually was this one... I say

17:20

actually. We

17:22

have a crap-on videos that we used to

17:25

do all the time. And

17:29

then... I don't know why we stopped doing it,

17:31

but... One

17:34

reason people would submit stuff that

17:36

was mostly visual, and I do want

17:38

to watch one of those, because it's

17:41

amazing. The first one is Audio. The

17:43

one with the kid going through his

17:45

Christmas list. How

17:47

old is your guys first? Four

17:51

and a half. Yeah, phone is five. Yeah. Okay.

17:55

And making a Christmas list? That's for

17:58

Santa? So

18:00

yeah, basically everything she

18:02

sees has gone on this like

18:05

theoretical list for the past six months. It's been

18:07

like, Oh, I want that. I want that. I'm

18:10

like, put it on the list. Put it. There

18:12

is no real thing. Can you wave through it and

18:14

know what she actually will want? No,

18:18

by the time she rolls around. Anything unicorn. She's

18:20

just like, there you go. There's quite our best efforts.

18:22

Yeah. The phase is

18:24

unicorn. Everything unicorn. I don't

18:27

know where unicorn Pegasus to be

18:29

specific. That's right. That's right. Sydney

18:31

is baby Yoda for absolutely no

18:33

reason other than baby Yoda's cute.

18:35

She doesn't even watch. Our daughter knows about

18:37

baby Yoda too, even though we don't, we

18:39

forbid Star Wars in this house. Star

18:42

Trek family. But she knows it best. Yeah, we're a Star

18:44

Trek family. We're a Star Trek family. Can't do it. So

18:47

Brett, can you play that for us? Yeah.

18:50

The TikTok video. See what you guys think of

18:52

this. It's

18:55

a little boy. He's on his, his

18:57

phone, which is part of the story, I guess.

19:00

Interesting. And going through his Christmas

19:02

list. I guess he has a

19:05

book. Tell

19:11

me your Christmas gifts, which one to get

19:13

for Christmas. Your

19:15

wish list. I

19:18

want a bunny. I want a, I want a book. I

19:20

want a book. I want

19:22

a book. I want a book. I want a

19:25

book. I want a house. I want this here. Oh

19:27

my goodness. Can we just, without

19:29

rewinding, can you, this is like

19:32

a pattern game. Can you, do

19:34

you think you can name

19:36

everything? I think so. It started with

19:38

a bunny. Yeah. Bunny. Yeah.

19:41

I think so. It started with a bunny. Yeah.

19:44

Bunny. Yeah. I

19:46

think so. I think so. I think so.

19:50

Yeah. Bunny. I

19:52

know there was a house, a $4,000. Do

19:54

you see a football team? Football

19:56

team. No, I think

19:58

he said football thing. Football thing

20:00

it was it was upright What

20:17

the hell is this and he has just like

20:20

saved screen grabs that he's Okay,

20:24

we said we stopped it at the perfect moment

20:26

cuz it's about the height into a whole Just

20:30

to get in the stream of it back it

20:32

up just like five seconds to begin his rhythm

21:00

Cube container in Newark, New Jersey That

21:08

is that weird Logan

21:11

Paul and his basement Lady

21:19

yeah, it's my wife. Oh

21:21

shit not But

21:24

it is a headshot of a random lady,

21:27

okay, then he wants in his basement I'll

21:30

have some friends and that's in Logan Paul and

21:35

then an a cargo

21:37

container in Newer

21:39

is for a serial killer There

21:42

was another person in the bay. Oh, it's gonna be

21:44

wrong. It was mr. Beast

21:46

mr. Beast almost so awesome. You're

21:49

like But

21:51

he's too good that's real like

21:54

it's so Oh, this

21:57

couldn't be witnessed the the bun

22:00

You're like, okay, that's a

22:02

lot of responsibility, but okay.

22:05

But now he's willing to take care of Mr.

22:07

B. Yeah, this one made his name real quick.

22:11

Start with a bunny and then I want

22:13

a bunch of YouTube stars and a random

22:15

woman trapped in my basement. Can you say

22:17

hi to Mr. B? It's horrible. Yeah, yeah,

22:20

yeah. Immediately went off the rails, I think.

22:23

When we hit the football thing, I

22:26

think the

22:28

line started going, you know, scratching all

22:30

over the page. You know what I

22:32

mean? It started really simple and then

22:34

just went off the fucking rails. We

22:38

cut to a basement where

22:40

these three people are all

22:42

waking up at the same

22:44

time. Hey, welcome. What the

22:46

hell? Welcome. You guys

22:48

just waking up? What the? Where

22:51

am I? Hi. Hi,

22:53

I'm pretty lady. Oh,

22:55

what the fuck? Where am I? Jimbo

22:58

Fisher, the former football

23:01

coach for Texas A&M Aggies. Where

23:03

am I? My name is

23:05

a Gucci. Where am I? Okay.

23:08

Oh, okay. I'm a huge fan of yours. Oh

23:10

yeah, me too. I watch American football. I'm not

23:13

a Jimbafisha. Oh, and I had my, I wanted

23:15

a sponsorship for Gucci cleats. They

23:21

wouldn't agree to it though at the fucking,

23:24

you know, I mixed up. Where

23:26

the hell are we? What the hell is going on?

23:28

Pretty lady, did you kidnap us? No,

23:31

no, no. Listen, my

23:33

name is Annabelle. I'm

23:35

in a lot of yogurt commercials

23:37

and our catcher, Jorge,

23:39

saw us and wanted us for Christmas.

23:42

So we live in his basement now.

23:44

Now I know you might have a

23:46

lot of questions. He's a

23:48

serial killer? Not

23:51

yet, but it does seem to be trending that

23:53

way. I'm here

23:55

to answer any of your questions. I've been here

23:57

since last Christmas and while I felt the same.

23:59

And when you did, when I first woke up

24:01

in this basement, I've come to love it. And

24:03

I think we're actually gonna have a really good

24:05

time. This is, I

24:07

do have a lot of time on my

24:09

hands now that I've been fired from Texas

24:12

A&M University. I do not

24:14

be appreciated being forced to be anywhere,

24:16

even if it is in the celebration

24:18

of the baby Jesus. I'm this Jorge.

24:21

Well, I am a creative

24:23

genius. Where I cannot

24:25

be in this summer in the basement, I

24:29

need to be a creator, putting

24:33

out a beautiful jacket.

24:36

Are you okay? I'm freezing.

24:39

I'm cold. I wear multiple layers

24:41

of Gucci. I

24:44

mean, under shirt in

24:46

a woman's panties. Okay,

24:48

well, I'll speak to our master Jorge and see

24:51

if he's willing to give us a few extra

24:53

layers. How old is Jorge? He

24:57

is six, but he is six going on 16.

25:00

Let me tell you, he is a spirited little

25:02

boy. Lots of big wishes.

25:04

He really aims for the stars. So

25:06

he must be a fan if he wished for us for Christmas,

25:10

right? Big fan, although it's

25:13

really hard to tell with him. He does

25:15

go between mania. He is about the mania

25:17

at times. So it's hard to tell if

25:19

he loves us or hates us, but for

25:21

me, that actually keeps me wanting

25:23

to earn his love a little bit more.

25:25

I don't know about you guys. All right,

25:27

let's talk this young man. I'm known for me.

25:29

We're really. Jorge, come on down here, sleepy. Let's

25:34

see here. Hi, everybody.

25:37

Hi, Jorge. They just woke up. You

25:41

wanna welcome our new basement guest? You're

25:44

here. I love

25:46

you all. Or

25:49

hate you all. I

25:51

don't know right now. All

25:55

right, Jorge. Now, I always appreciate a

25:57

good fan of a good football coach

25:59

look. myself but you're a

26:01

football thing I'm gonna

26:04

play with you I see you

26:08

got a lot of football things down here

26:10

you got some yard markers and

26:14

some astroturf down here you do

26:16

like football things they do football

26:18

things I play with and you're

26:21

my last football thing and now

26:23

I can play actual football

26:25

with all of you oh my

26:28

god you're gonna

26:31

keep me down here to put is

26:34

that the skeleton Paul Bear

26:37

Bryant I I

26:39

got the Paul Bear Bryant we

26:41

dug him up and brought him

26:44

here and now that's

26:46

his famous little hat on his

26:48

famous little face and

26:50

I hug him and play football

26:52

with him on the yard markers

26:54

and you're gonna be the new

26:56

coach now hey

26:59

I noticed the only thing you're missing is

27:01

a football what are you gonna

27:03

use as a football hey

27:10

why you look at the mean like

27:12

that sounds like a leading question creepy

27:14

little pretty girl what

27:16

are you gonna use as

27:18

a football I want to

27:21

use that little Italian man

27:23

I'm a

27:25

little Italian man but I make it out

27:27

of him make it out of him you're

27:30

gonna make me a football

27:33

out of your skin

27:35

I need to have an

27:45

inspiration I like a

27:47

24 hours later look I if he had asked me to make a

27:54

football out of myself I'd be upset

27:56

too but if we're gonna survive we

27:58

got to make come Just make

28:00

it out of like a leg you don't use. Yeah,

28:03

just use some of your, I don't

28:05

know, forehead skin or something. Just ask.

28:07

Can't you make a football ad you

28:09

two add cheese? From your ass. Out

28:11

of the Gucci ass. This is the

28:13

most famous ass in all

28:16

of Italy. Well isn't that inspiration

28:18

that you were asking for? Your

28:21

own ass will be the most

28:23

amazing leather football ever made. I

28:26

wake up every morning, have a

28:28

cappuccino, and look at my ass

28:30

and ass a hole, and that

28:33

inspire me to create the

28:35

clothes. But if I

28:37

must create something, I

28:39

will create the football out

28:42

of my ass. And we cut to, uh, 60

28:44

years later, we cut to the NFL

28:47

Hall of Fame, and

28:50

we're in a back room where all some

28:52

of the old school guys are gathering. Hey

28:56

man, you want to see something really fucked

28:58

up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love fucked up

29:00

shit, tell me. Yeah, we're football players, we

29:02

love fucked up shit. That's

29:04

why we got this back room in the hall of fame.

29:06

Yeah, we got a back room in the hall of fame.

29:09

This is a bad back room. We

29:11

love to fuck up shit back here, man. My brain

29:13

doesn't work. That'll be pretty fucked up, we're all gonna

29:15

be mad. Alright, this

29:17

is, check out this football. This is made

29:20

out, you know that Gucci guy? Yeah. With

29:23

all the fancy purses and shit? Uh-huh. Yeah.

29:27

This football right here, touch it. Feels

29:30

like an ass. Yeah, that's

29:32

how you use it, like, ass. Yeah, it

29:34

is. Oh, shit, man. Wow, I thought

29:36

I was gonna surprise you. Yeah, it

29:39

is. It's Gucci's ass. Nothing

29:42

surprises me. I'm bad, I'm a

29:44

bad football boy. Sniff the tip

29:46

of it. Oh

29:49

my god, it smells like Italian asshole. I'm

30:00

all about that. Ah,

30:03

man. The basement, that was

30:05

the thing, not just I want this to

30:07

be in my basement. Yeah. But

30:09

then ending on a cargo container as if

30:11

he'll need more storage. Right.

30:15

Yeah. From Newark. Price down.

30:18

It was on sale too. It was the price it dropped. Right.

30:21

Good deal. At least he likes

30:23

the deal, you know? Maybe

30:27

it's a clip from the new Willy Wonka. The

30:31

only clip I've taken away from that trailer is,

30:33

here we go, mama. I don't

30:36

know. I haven't seen

30:38

that actually. It didn't make

30:40

me want to do it. It's really

30:42

hard because the Gene Wilder version is

30:44

so hard to type. It's

30:46

so hard to top. I

30:49

know Def tried to do it, but he wants to do it.

30:51

You could argue that we don't need to top it. No,

30:53

you should not. At least this is a prequel.

30:55

This is supposed to be like a, you know, how

30:57

he came to be Wonka. But I

31:01

would rather have Charlie's rule. Yes.

31:04

Yes. As at the

31:06

chocolate factory. Totally.

31:09

Yeah. You're setting yourself

31:11

up for disaster when you do the

31:14

second round of someone's amazing, epic

31:17

performance. Do you think the dolls

31:19

aren't fishing that out? Do you

31:21

think people have went to the old doll estate and

31:23

were like, can we see what Charlie's like at like 40?

31:27

And they're like, no, we're not, we're not

31:29

touching. We're keeping everyone young. We're keeping the

31:31

chocolate young. We don't want

31:33

to see like post because, hey, he had

31:35

everything. Like what an awesome story there would

31:37

be if he like fucked everything. Shit.

31:45

Turns out giving a factory to a kid just

31:47

because he's the only one. Yeah. Once

31:49

grandpa Joe died, he went into a depression and like,

31:52

six months in and

31:55

the Oompa Loompas are knocking on.

31:57

Yeah. That

32:00

coming guys, come in. Charlie.

32:04

What? Charlie. What

32:06

the fuck do you want? Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm

32:08

stressed man, what do you want? I'm

32:10

literally like 40 times

32:13

your age, you don't want to know how old. Look,

32:15

if you're commenting and asking when I can pay

32:17

you, the answer is still I don't know, okay? I

32:20

don't know. Hey, I

32:22

warned you that we have

32:24

to... The chocolate river, it's

32:26

awesome and it looks great, but it does have

32:28

certain things that have to be cleaned on a

32:31

rotation every month. I told you

32:33

that and you didn't improve the replacement. The

32:35

chocolate thing, the other one's sick. The

32:37

chocolate... It's rotten. The entire chocolate river

32:39

is now rotten, has to be drained.

32:42

Guys, guys, the thing he didn't mention

32:44

when he was giving us ever lasting

32:46

gobsmackers and making me float up into

32:49

the ceiling... No, you did that yourself.

32:51

Yeah, that's not you. Okay, but still he... You

32:54

needed that. Yeah, you drank the fizzy lifting

32:56

drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the prototype

32:58

we're still working on. You know what he

33:00

didn't talk to me about? Paying

33:03

vendors and how he hasn't paid any in six

33:05

years. He drove this company,

33:07

the goddamn ground, left it to me

33:10

and fucked off. Well, we're not vendors.

33:12

Fuckin' walk up. You've

33:14

been very dismissive about how important the Oompa Loompas

33:16

are and I know we've kind of built every...

33:20

We came from Oompa Land. We're very advanced

33:22

and you kind of just disregard us. Right.

33:25

You spend a lot of time

33:27

with your new ideas for candy,

33:29

respectfully. Your new ideas and development

33:31

when it should have been spent that money

33:34

on cleaning the cogs that

33:36

run the chocolate river. 95%

33:40

of the candy we put out is chocolate.

33:43

Yeah. I

33:45

choose some gum and I get an entire

33:47

Thanksgiving dinner stuff. That stuff gets old. Okay,

33:50

well, I'm a kid. I thought

33:52

that picking over a candy factory would be

33:55

fun, but instead I'm just having to do

33:57

bookkeeping and filling out Excels.

34:00

spreadsheets and shit like that.

34:02

Yeah, that's called being an adult. Yeah, that's

34:05

part of owning a business, you know? Like,

34:07

and QuickBooks is pretty straightforward, you know? Pretty

34:09

easy once you get into it. Once you

34:11

get down to it, they have great tutorials.

34:14

Oh, really? Why don't you explain QuickBooks to me

34:16

at Oompa Loompa if you know it so well?

34:18

Sure. It's very easy to log in.

34:20

There's a couple different things. In song?

34:22

Oh. Oh. Just,

34:26

just, just, just, just clicked on

34:28

the click. Click, click, click on,

34:30

click on a pane. Fill

34:33

it in, it'll never be

34:35

the same. And

34:38

then a half hour later, Charlie is

34:40

starting to understand how to use

34:43

Excel. See? Oh,

34:45

OK. It is easy. And now you can,

34:47

now the budget makes more sense. See, click

34:49

that one. Click that one, I mean. OK.

34:52

And there you go. And now we're

34:54

balanced. QuickBooks 2. Thank

34:58

you guys so much. But

35:02

again, the Chocolate River is

35:04

completely rotten. It has to

35:06

be drained. That's huge. All

35:08

the chocolate? Yeah, it's all

35:10

bad. Yeah, it has been.

35:12

OK. What's clogging it?

35:15

Clogging? You didn't approve the cock.

35:17

Oh my god, is that it?

35:21

Oh, I was going to say, is the kid still in it? Well,

35:24

yes, the kid was in it. We

35:26

did have to clean up a dead child. Besides

35:28

that, there's post-contamination protocol

35:31

that you have to approve, that

35:33

you have to start putting it.

35:35

Oh, really? Why would you explain

35:37

that to me in the song?

35:41

And we cut to one of the freezers at

35:45

a lower level of the kid. And

35:48

it's some other Oompa Loompas that have serious,

35:50

like. Yeah, the kid's

35:52

still in here, Charlie. And

35:54

Mr. Wonka, when he

35:56

was in it, when he was here, he

35:58

would always cut up the kid. kid and dispose of

36:01

it. It's not something we really do. It's against

36:04

the ethics of the Oompa Loompa. Well, like, we'll

36:06

turn the other way that things

36:08

are dangerous around here and kids are dying,

36:10

but yeah, you got

36:12

to dispose of the body. He did some soil and

36:14

green stuff, I think with them. That's

36:17

what I was going to say. What if we

36:20

snout want not? We got a stack of

36:22

dead kids in here. We got dead kids

36:24

up, coming out our

36:26

ass, our little Gucci asshole. What

36:29

if we make a candy

36:32

out of dead kids? It

36:35

tastes like, I

36:37

guess it tastes like dead kids. Yeah, it

36:39

tastes like dead kids. Well, we can put

36:42

a spin on it. Like, we

36:44

can put some sort of, maybe there's

36:46

a, not Thanksgiving dinner, but

36:48

something along the lines of like, this is

36:50

a tea and

36:53

crumpet kind of situation. It's

36:55

a punishment candy. We've all seen

36:57

candy that kids want to eat.

36:59

This is one. Like those jelly

37:02

beans that are gross. Yes, exactly. But

37:04

people know this is actually dead kid. And

37:07

we cut to a Christmas

37:09

present where one of the kids, oh,

37:12

I got that, look,

37:14

I got that dead kid candy. Whoa.

37:17

It's like every third

37:19

piece is dead kid. Two pieces are

37:22

chocolate. You've been a little piece

37:24

of shit this year. So mom and dad got you

37:26

the dead candy. That's right,

37:28

son. You got some

37:30

dead kid candy there. You've

37:32

got the golden dead kid

37:34

candy. You've got the golden

37:36

dead kid candy in your

37:39

hand. I think they're

37:41

singing. You've got

37:43

the dead golden kid candy in your

37:45

hand. You will eat and take it

37:48

down and taste dead kid and feel

37:50

ashamed. That's

37:52

the song. Let's

38:01

talk some more about that. My

38:04

kid loves slime. She

38:06

requested a very, very specific

38:08

slime this year. I feel

38:11

like if I got any other kind she'd be disappointed.

38:14

A very specific slime. I'm sure our daughter would love

38:17

that too. You

38:19

want to look it up right now? Yeah, let's see

38:21

this special slime. I think

38:23

it's spelled S-L-I-M-E-C-H-E-Y

38:27

I think.

38:31

Like peachy. P-E-E-H-E-Y

38:34

slime. You

38:38

getting anything like that? Oh

38:40

yeah. Let's see this.

38:42

Let's see here. Peachy

38:46

babies or something. Yeah.

38:48

Peachy babies. Let's

38:50

read a description of this stuff. Let's look

38:52

at you. You think this this

38:54

is some complicated. Sold out. What? New

38:57

slime drop. Yeah,

39:00

we were looking at this last night with her

39:02

and we were like well it's already sold out.

39:04

She's like new release coming soon. New slime

39:06

drops sold out. Look

39:09

at this. Let's get a description of one of these.

39:12

But these slimes listeners.

39:15

They got shaded. Way more complicated

39:17

than you probably imagine. They

39:19

look like snow globes full

39:21

of slime. Yeah. Oh my god

39:23

and this one has that those.

39:25

The axolotl. Axolotl creatures. Those are.

39:29

Let's read the

39:31

description. Christmas axolotl texture

39:33

super sizzly icy slime

39:35

full of bubble pops

39:38

and ASMR. What? ASMR right? Yeah but how's

39:40

it how is that part of this?

39:43

I guess it can the

39:50

sound is can trigger

39:52

ASMR. Why

39:54

is this like five

39:56

years ago we didn't know what ASMR was and

39:58

now everything. and slime. Now

40:01

it's everything. Every kid thing is ASMR. We

40:03

cut to a restaurant and our

40:07

snapper tonight, it's

40:11

lightly grilled with a butter and

40:14

just has a little bit

40:17

of oregano that

40:19

the chef works with in a lot of his dishes and

40:22

also a large

40:24

chunk of ASMR, which

40:28

is delightful. ASMR.

40:30

That sounds good. I know who that is. It has a

40:32

sir, please. Sorry, sorry,

40:39

I'm not going to go to the table.

40:43

Sorry, I was just walking by to go to the bathroom.

40:45

I just want to let you know I know what ASMR

40:47

is and that sounds delicious. Anyway, you should try it. I

40:50

will to the pee pee. Wow,

40:53

that was insane. Sorry. That's why we put

40:55

it in the dishes. I thought

40:57

ASMR was a sensation that some

41:00

people get like a tingling in

41:02

the back of their skull when

41:04

they hear soft little sound. You're

41:06

saying I'm going to eat that on my fish. The

41:11

fish is especially made that when you eat it,

41:13

it will have that sensation.

41:15

If you don't over chew it, a

41:18

lot of people chew like they're

41:20

in a rush to get somewhere and that will

41:22

ruin the chunk of ASMR.

41:25

But if you eat it like a regular human.

41:28

Okay, so really I'm creating

41:30

the ASMR in the eating experience.

41:34

Okay, great. It's like when

41:36

you get a wedge of

41:38

lettuce, it's like you cut

41:40

it up. Right, for sure.

41:43

No, and I get to pay

41:45

extra for this, right? Hey. I'm

41:49

not trying to catch an attitude. I'm just trying to

41:51

make sure I'm clear on exactly

41:53

what it is that you're serving me here.

41:55

If you want a loud piece of red

41:58

snapper that you're going to chew on. No, I

42:01

want to try it. I want to order it

42:03

yet. I'm done going peepee sir. Do you want

42:05

to just sit down and join me?

42:08

We cut to 45 minutes later when the snapper and they both ordered it And

42:16

sir you You

42:18

ordered some extra a smo

42:21

extra Okay, please.

42:23

Thank you I

42:34

Am okay, this is people

42:36

like this Man

42:44

I feel the tingle up from my Gucci

42:46

asshole right to the small of

42:49

my neck in the back of my hair. I Gotta

42:52

tell you I don't have the feeling but

42:55

my teeth are vibrating Yeah Yeah,

42:58

I think your teeth have a smr and then

43:01

like your teeth are asmr talking to each other

43:04

That's part of the area. Yeah, and how

43:06

is your meal sounding? I think You

43:14

didn't tell it you didn't know if you have an ASMR

43:16

allergy or not No, I didn't think it was

43:18

something that I could eat Do

43:21

you have an Epi pen or something like

43:23

that or a loud noise or something

43:25

like that like that like a loud

43:27

noise pen? Or no, so if

43:29

you can honor the ASMR Can I

43:31

make one? Yeah, we will we have all sorts of

43:33

knives in the back. Do you know how to do

43:36

that? No, I

43:38

don't what if I start yelling at you

43:40

that help if I start opening my mouth

43:42

loud I That's

43:49

good make your mouth wider That

43:56

helpful am I saving your life I'm gonna

43:58

go PB again Before

44:06

I say unseen, you know these two got

44:08

married eventually. This was their meet

44:10

cute. That's our first date. Very

44:14

similar to our first date. Have

44:16

you guys ever seen the documentary

44:18

Dig? No. It's

44:22

a documentary that follows

44:24

two bands, the

44:28

Dandy Warhols and Brian

44:30

Jonestown Massacre. Have you ever seen

44:33

it, Brett? No, I've

44:35

heard a lot about it. I've heard

44:37

some about it at least. I've been meaning

44:39

to watch it. It's

44:43

pretty fascinating. It's pretty old, the documentary at this

44:45

point. I feel like it's probably 20 years old

44:47

at least. In

44:50

short, the

44:53

lead singer, Brian Jonestown Massacre

44:55

is quite a personality. He

44:59

just starts a feud with

45:02

the Dandy Warhols that they're not

45:04

asking for and not deserving and

45:06

not reciprocating really as I remember

45:09

it. But

45:12

cut to this week or last week, can

45:14

you go back to the crap on YouTube?

45:19

Brian Jonestown Massacre, I think is in New

45:21

Zealand or somewhere down under. Let's

45:33

share this video. This

45:37

is the lead singer. I

45:39

don't know how confusing the audio is going to be but

45:44

he's basically kicking the guitarist out of the

45:46

band in the middle of the show on

45:49

their world tour. The

45:54

video is titled, The Most

45:56

Unhinged BJM Gig Ever. Should

46:00

I go straight to this time code? I

46:06

guess so. No,

46:14

I think you gotta go earlier. This is when

46:16

the fight starts. Go a little earlier. Oh my

46:18

god. Okay. Oh,

46:20

you haven't watched this yet? I haven't

46:23

seen this. This

46:28

is a good spot. I

46:30

apologize for everybody who paid

46:32

tickets. Oh my god. Oh

46:34

my god. The

46:40

guitarist said that. I'm stabbed as

46:43

the next motherfucker. All these

46:46

people ordered. Don't

46:48

talk to them, you don't know if you're fucking

46:50

talking to them. I do. I'm

46:54

walking away. I'm a loser. Oh

46:56

my god. Come out

46:59

there, fight! Come on. Fight

47:01

so simple, so please please

47:03

sit there. I don't mean to

47:07

be a dog. I'm not on

47:09

your side. You are on your side.

47:16

Oh no, he's gone. I'm

47:19

so insured of me. I am

47:21

a father. I am a

47:23

father. I am

47:25

a father. I am

47:27

a father. I

47:31

like your fucking music. I like your

47:33

music. Oh my

47:35

fucking god. Fuckin'

47:39

game. It's awesome if you

47:41

feel not a game. Fuckin'

47:43

hell. The guitarist is still

47:45

up there. My last one was a

47:47

hacker. Everyone's

47:51

over there. We've got a

47:53

cape on, dude. Fuck. Yeah.

47:58

Inbound. The

48:02

Republicans in

48:05

the same, he's cold and red bones.

48:07

He's cold. But the red meat, the

48:09

red meat is pollution. The

48:12

red meat is really pollution. What

48:16

the fuck is going on? It's

48:18

like he's tripping, right? What

48:22

the fuck is going on? It's

48:25

like he's tripping, right? Freeze.

48:48

So he just said, this is when it happens,

48:50

I guess. He says, party's over, captain. He's pointing

48:52

at the guitar. So you hear they're both kind

48:54

of ranting and blabbering the whole time. And the

48:57

whole audience is like, play fucking songs. This is

48:59

a cut-up clip. But right

49:01

now he's saying, get out of here, you're

49:03

done. So here we go. Wow.

49:11

Wow. This

49:20

is for Abbot. Whoa.

49:28

Put his guitar down nicely. He

49:31

left the abon, so it's feeding back. Oh,

49:34

yeah. And then he goes over to

49:36

the lead singer. Oh, now

49:38

it's time. Oh,

49:41

the lead singer, I think hit him with the guitar first. The

49:44

lead singer said to run away. Whoa.

49:48

And now they're both hitting each other. They're

49:50

on the ground. And

49:57

now the guitar is left and the lead singer is dead.

50:00

Forever a Wisconsin

50:08

of Thomas

50:16

you yeah

50:24

I what?

50:33

your core values they

50:36

define you and

50:40

now he's just going to sit on the amp on stage as the curtain comes

50:42

down and he

50:44

like will not leave

50:46

stage he's told

50:48

these guys to shit a bunch of

50:50

times is

50:52

the audience on the side of the guitar player? yeah

50:57

I think so. Look at this slow

51:00

curtain just

51:05

slower start

51:08

stopping a curtain this

51:12

is happening in Melbourne, Australia

51:16

famously calm and not drunk people

51:21

so let's just rewind what happened

51:23

so he's one of those guys

51:27

who talks way too much between

51:29

songs he can't understand what the fuck he's talking

51:31

about and then the rest of the band's

51:36

looking at him like oh my god

51:38

come on dude and

51:40

then he kicks out the

51:43

guitar as probably the most talented person in

51:45

the band side

51:48

note which you probably didn't notice

51:50

did you see the tambourine player?

51:53

no I missed it there

51:56

was this tambourine player the

52:00

funniest parts of that fucking time. When

52:03

they kick, when they fire it from

52:06

a tent. They fire the

52:08

tambourine fire? Dude, and I say

52:10

to my friend who's in a band all the time,

52:12

I'm like, how can

52:14

a band have a tambourine fire going

52:16

to the tambourine? You're the tambourine player.

52:19

You're probably like, yeah, I saw this

52:21

coming. Yeah. This

52:23

is a ruse though. I can't believe you happened to hire me by now.

52:27

At some point you're looking at the budget

52:29

for the band, travel and expenses. We're

52:32

supposed to get through 10 songs, we

52:34

always get through three because fucking Jack-O

52:36

talks the whole time. Yeah, they're

52:38

probably going to cut me out at least soon. I

52:40

can't believe it's been this long. This

52:42

is the actual guy talking. Nah,

52:45

man. You're a big part

52:47

of our band, dude. And he loves you.

52:50

I see him firing at guitar

52:52

to play before he fires you,

52:54

man. Really? Yeah,

52:56

you're central to our sound. Literally,

52:59

you're always in the middle of the stage. We don't

53:01

do it without you, man. We're going

53:03

to stand with you, okay? If he tries to fire you,

53:05

we're with you. We got your back. You really

53:07

don't need to. I kind of see the writing on

53:09

the wall. It makes a lot of sense. I also

53:11

play the drums. You're just a

53:13

little bit of a drum player. No, no, no.

53:15

We need you. But he is better, so you're

53:18

not going to be the drummer because I hear

53:20

what you're trying to say. Yeah,

53:22

that's it. Man, maybe learn the keyboards.

53:24

I told you that like a year

53:26

and a half ago. I know. You

53:29

tambourine me away. I

53:32

know. I did. Listen,

53:37

my wrists are made for tambourine, and

53:39

I don't think my fingies can... And those shirts

53:42

aren't selling. Yeah. Well, I

53:44

thought it was good. I thought it

53:46

was, you know... I

53:48

thought it was a plan these boots are made for walking, and it

53:50

didn't take off. My

53:54

wrists are made for tambourine, and

53:56

these fingies don't want to play nothing else. It's

53:59

just a lot. for a shirt. It's

54:01

okay. Well listen, tambourine is what I

54:03

do. I don't make up logos, okay?

54:05

And I think we're just trying to

54:07

say, man, is there anything else

54:09

that you can do? Just we want to keep you

54:11

around. You're good for morale. We like tambourine. Well, I'm

54:14

a percussionist, you know, by nature. So I can

54:16

play the tambourines. I can,

54:18

you know, I can bang the tambourines

54:21

on some bongos. You're not even good

54:23

at maracas. I'm just gonna

54:25

put it out there. Well, it's a different

54:27

wrist. It's a different wrist movement. You know,

54:29

I can keep... So different. Yup.

54:32

Yup. And those hats, to

54:35

try to explain that, are not so...

54:38

No, maraca. It's time to taca.

54:41

And haca are way to tambourine.

54:43

Well, don't understand that. The haca? People

54:46

don't understand the haca. What are

54:48

you talking about? That is a... Everyone

54:50

understands. If you don't watch rugby, then

54:53

fine. But if you do watch rugby and

54:55

you understand the cultural nature

54:58

of the haca, then yes, of course. We cut

55:00

to the next writing session for a

55:03

song. Yeah,

55:05

I don't know. Okay. Sorry, sorry.

55:07

That was the same. That's the same.

55:15

That's the same one as

55:17

last time. That was a little different.

55:19

Can you just give us something a little different with the

55:21

tambourine? Sure. Hey, you

55:24

know what? Why

55:27

don't we take a break? Yeah.

55:29

No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's not take a

55:31

break. We don't need to take a break and talk

55:33

about things. Let's just keep... Let's keep rolling. Hey,

55:37

I don't usually do this. I don't

55:40

like to start anyone on

55:42

a drug habit, but I have some friends that

55:44

have some baby bubble chemicals.

55:46

So maybe you just need to... Me?

55:48

Oh, thank you for that. Yeah, you.

55:50

I just feel like you need to open

55:52

up your mind a little bit. I

55:57

mean, sure. 45

56:00

minutes later he's covered in his own shit. Whoa

56:04

buddy! Hey!

56:06

How's it working? Ohhh,

56:09

listen to this, listen to this. Achachachach! Ohh,

56:12

ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Oh my

56:14

god, he's getting some sounds out of

56:16

this that we've

56:18

never achieved before on the road.

56:20

Oh my god, I'm getting ASMR tingles,

56:23

man, for this. That's a good thing.

56:25

You do! I never

56:27

get it when something isn't softly

56:29

spoken. I'm totally getting it now.

56:34

We cut to the show where his solo

56:36

is going on a little

56:39

too long, like the drum solo

56:41

in that Pixies documentary and everyone's

56:43

looking around and I'm like giving

56:46

him the kind of hey man. Oh,

56:48

rap it. Oh, yeah. Keep going, keep

56:51

going. Okay. Rap it up. Rap

56:53

it up. Rap it

56:55

up into a little present

56:58

and this is my gift to you.

57:00

I hear boos. You

57:05

know, boos were the original cry of

57:07

gorillas to say hey, give me more,

57:09

give me more. I don't

57:12

think that's true. This

57:14

is about war internally. It's

57:16

not about Gaza and all

57:19

that stuff. This is about

57:21

internal, internal and external feelings.

57:23

I have shit on me. I

57:27

am covered in human grown up baby

57:29

shit. Human

57:40

to unlock the bonus scene. You

57:42

must subscribe to the ad free version of

57:44

the show exclusively

57:46

available at temporalforhumans.com.

57:50

humans can we go to the

57:52

one word suggestion line please

57:55

Brett or you don't need to do

57:57

it I can look myself here because

57:59

if you were a. If you're a member of

58:01

improvforhumans.com, you're

58:04

also a member of the Discord, and you can leave

58:06

these crap on YouTube

58:08

videos, or more specifically,

58:10

most people leave these one-word suggestions,

58:12

which I'm going to right now.

58:16

And I'll say it for Besser, he loves you for being a part of

58:18

that. Yeah, that's

58:20

true. What's that? I said, and I'm just

58:22

gonna say it for you, you love these people. You

58:25

love the Discord people. You love

58:27

them. I had to go

58:29

deeper into that. I was like, when

58:31

I did my stand-up special in Portland,

58:34

it was packed, and I was touched

58:36

that people, I

58:38

felt great, I was worried, like, will people

58:40

in Portland be there? Will they like me?

58:42

And they packed two shows, and that touched

58:44

me with appreciation that they were, I might

58:46

have said it that night. And

58:49

there might have been some, like, ass cats

58:51

of like, I

58:55

don't think I said it at Carnegie Hall,

58:57

but maybe, I don't know. That's such a

58:59

weird thing to say sincerely. It sounds like

59:01

it's easier to shout out a big crowd

59:03

than a small crowd, unless

59:06

you really mean it. Just too intimate.

59:10

Let's unpack that. Where do you

59:12

think this fear of intimacy comes from? And

59:16

a one-word suggestion. Yeah,

59:22

enough about me. Here's some words. Engine is

59:24

a word. Engine. Charm.

59:27

Charm is a word. And smashed

59:29

penny. Smashed

59:32

penny. This too is

59:34

a hyphenated word

59:36

image. Our daughter, anytime I

59:38

take her, we're members of

59:40

the old LA Zoo, and anytime I take her

59:42

there, she always forgets it, but

59:45

anytime we're there, they have those smash penny, those

59:47

like penny things, like you put in a penny,

59:49

and you put

59:51

in a dollar or something like that. You put

59:53

in some coin, and you like turn a crank,

59:56

and it flattens it. Yeah, smushes the penny

59:58

and puts a little imprint on. Yeah, it puts

1:00:00

a little logo on it and every time

1:00:02

we go there, she's like, oh, can we do that? And

1:00:05

I always forget and I'm always like, oh, next

1:00:07

time. And then she never brings it up again

1:00:09

until we go back there. She's like, oh, it's

1:00:11

the thing that you said we would

1:00:13

do. And I'm always like,

1:00:15

yeah, we can't, we can't do

1:00:17

that. Like I don't carry coins

1:00:19

around. Like I don't know. You

1:00:22

have to provide your own pennies. Yeah.

1:00:24

I think you have to not only that,

1:00:26

you have to pay more than the right.

1:00:28

You're putting in more, you're paying for the

1:00:30

privilege of them engraving a penny for you.

1:00:32

So they're ruining your money. Yeah. No, I

1:00:34

think it's like you put in a quarter,

1:00:36

you crank it, it gives you a penny.

1:00:39

So you're literally 24 cents out and really

1:00:41

25 cents out. You

1:00:44

can't buy anything with a penny. Just

1:00:50

so you're clear, sir, your quarter isn't

1:00:52

turning into a penny. I know I'm

1:00:55

not trying to patronize talk down to you. Your

1:00:58

quarter is not turning into a penny. I

1:01:01

just put it in a slot. A

1:01:04

penny gets smashed in an image that

1:01:06

says, I love the LA zoo comes

1:01:09

out. And it's a contract because it's

1:01:12

a smash. I just want to know what kind

1:01:14

of alchemy you are using to change this

1:01:17

quarter into copper.

1:01:19

That is what I'm trying to figure

1:01:22

out here. Quiet little daughter.

1:01:24

Daddy, come on, daddy. Stop tugging

1:01:26

on my shirt. Okay. There is

1:01:29

some sort of magic happening here

1:01:31

and it is unfair. There's

1:01:34

already a penny under the smasher right

1:01:36

now. Oh, okay.

1:01:40

Uh-huh. Go on. Your quarter is what

1:01:42

it costs. I'm going to

1:01:44

make 24 cents on this deal. Daddy,

1:01:47

I don't- The people in line behind you

1:01:50

walk away from impatience and then I'm going

1:01:52

to lose money on this deal. Okay. Okay.

1:01:54

Okay. Okay. Okay. I understand now. I understand.

1:01:56

I put the quarter in. Hey,

1:01:59

can we go? I get it. No,

1:02:02

no, I'm trying to figure something out. Haven't you all ever

1:02:04

tried to figure something out and not being able to figure

1:02:06

something out and you want to get to the heart of

1:02:08

the matter? And that's what I do. No, I see. I

1:02:11

can figure everything out. Before you step up. No, no,

1:02:14

I am in line. I came in line first. This

1:02:16

is for my daughter. And there are hundreds of

1:02:18

people waiting to smash a penny. Everybody wants

1:02:21

to smash a penny. Go feed the giraffes.

1:02:23

Why is everyone want to do this at

1:02:25

a zoo? We cut to the

1:02:27

back of the line of the smashed a

1:02:29

penny line. What's going on up there?

1:02:32

I don't. I think this is a sneaker drop. I can't ask. I

1:02:35

doesn't know how it works. Oh, I thought this was a sneaker drop.

1:02:37

Oh no, this is the smashed a penny line. Oh,

1:02:39

okay. Now I hear it's a sneaker drop too.

1:02:43

What a sneaker drop. I didn't know what a

1:02:45

sneaker drop is. Haven't

1:02:48

you ever tried to figure something out? I'm trying to figure

1:02:50

out what a sneaker drop is. Is this where

1:02:52

you touch the emus? What? Is

1:02:55

this where you touch the emus? No, I

1:02:58

think it's a sneaker drop, but I'm hearing

1:03:00

something about a smashed penny. I didn't know

1:03:02

you could touch the emus. What? Well,

1:03:04

I thought smashed a penny was a you who has a

1:03:07

smashed a penny line. What? This

1:03:10

is smashed a penny? I think it's smashed a penny

1:03:12

line. Nah, it's

1:03:14

the sneaker drop. I

1:03:16

found it out on Instagram. I

1:03:18

thought this was where we could tell the flamingos

1:03:20

we love them. I

1:03:23

found out on Truth Central that this is a emu

1:03:26

touching, but I

1:03:28

thought. They

1:03:30

don't do the emo touch anymore. They haven't done that

1:03:33

for a year and a half. They've never done that.

1:03:35

The guy got his hand bit. Yeah,

1:03:37

I actually heard that the emos. Yeah,

1:03:41

I actually heard the emos don't exist. You heard that

1:03:43

on Truth Central, emos aren't even a thing. Oh,

1:03:46

no. Yeah, what? Can

1:03:49

you guys move up? The line's moving up. Oh,

1:03:52

sorry. Oh, sorry about that. And you were trying

1:03:54

to figure something out. God damn. We

1:04:00

cut back to the front of the line. I said I

1:04:02

don't lie to you anymore. So there you see, now you

1:04:04

get it. I see it now. Okay. I

1:04:07

regret everything. I do not have a

1:04:09

quarter. What? I

1:04:12

do not have a quarter, but I

1:04:14

have a penny. I should smash your

1:04:16

face like the goddamn penny smasher smashes

1:04:18

pennies. Well, no need for violence, sir.

1:04:21

I see in the back of my line people are

1:04:23

leaving the line now because of all your questions. Well,

1:04:26

that's 24 cents a pop I'm

1:04:28

not making. Daddy, I'm sorry I

1:04:30

asked for a smash penny. It was

1:04:32

unreasonable of me. I should have asked

1:04:34

for something more simple like Paul Logan

1:04:37

in my basement. Well, that

1:04:39

I can provide. We

1:04:42

cut to after the, when

1:04:45

everyone's going home and they had one of

1:04:47

those really awkward places in the parking lot

1:04:49

that's kind of near the railroad tracks now

1:04:51

that they're getting in their car. Hey, you

1:04:53

guys want a smash penny? It's cost a

1:04:55

penny. Well, yeah. Yes. I

1:04:57

have a moment here to train track.

1:05:00

Okay. Yeah, we're that's right. I should bring my

1:05:02

daughter, right? This seems like a normal situation. Sure. Sure.

1:05:06

Sure. Okay. How's

1:05:09

it going? How's it going? Now, when we,

1:05:11

when I smashed a penny with the train,

1:05:13

it's about to come by the four o'clock.

1:05:20

It's important for us to all stand

1:05:22

on the track. Yeah.

1:05:26

You got to stand on the tracks to

1:05:28

the last second. Well, that's right. And

1:05:34

that's where you'll see the essence of what

1:05:36

will be in your smashed penny that will

1:05:38

last forever and become a part of what

1:05:40

you are. Now, this sounds

1:05:42

much more reasonable than going to

1:05:44

that machine before giving a quarter

1:05:46

of my hard earned money. So

1:05:49

they put their, so they put their three

1:05:51

pennies down on the tracks and sure enough

1:05:53

in the distance, you can hear that train.

1:05:56

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:02

All right, don't get scared. Don't leave.

1:06:04

You leave too early. You won't see

1:06:07

the essence of what your future existence

1:06:09

is. Daddy, this guy's creepy. You

1:06:12

wanted the penny. You wanted it.

1:06:14

Sorry. This

1:06:16

is for you. You wanted the

1:06:18

penny. Okay? I'll never

1:06:20

have the penny. We see Jorge

1:06:22

lining up all the people from his cargo.

1:06:28

Everybody get on the tracks.

1:06:30

It's a train thing now.

1:06:33

I wanted a train thing, and

1:06:35

this is the train thing I

1:06:37

wanted. At this

1:06:39

point, Jorge will do whatever he

1:06:41

wants. Everybody dance here.

1:06:44

You're all my pennies. Jump.

1:06:53

And the train

1:06:55

hits the pennies and smashes,

1:06:57

and the humans, they

1:07:00

do their best to jump from the

1:07:02

tracks. Smash.

1:07:08

Smash. And

1:07:11

suddenly, everyone

1:07:13

wakes up. And

1:07:16

they're in this kind of altered

1:07:20

universe that

1:07:23

is the mind of the lead singer,

1:07:26

Brian Jonestown Massacre. He's trying to

1:07:28

describe. He's just describing

1:07:30

the thing that just happened in the middle of a show. Just

1:07:33

play, man. No.

1:07:37

And then everybody was my pennies. The

1:07:40

little boy was me. You're on

1:07:42

drugs, man. Just play. I

1:07:45

want my money back. Shush.

1:07:48

Everyone, shush. I'm telling

1:07:50

you what's going on inside of me. This

1:07:53

creative expression. This is what happens in America.

1:07:55

I don't know what happens here down under.

1:07:57

This is what happens in America. You have

1:07:59

lives. different lives you're a little boy one

1:08:01

time that little boy goes into three different

1:08:03

people those three different people want to become

1:08:05

pennies those pennies want to be smashed by

1:08:08

trains then one day you wake up and you

1:08:10

own a chocolate factory and inside that chocolate factory

1:08:12

there's little people that yell at you for doing

1:08:14

things bad but you're not a bad boy you

1:08:16

just don't know what to do you just don't

1:08:18

know what to do you don't know how to

1:08:21

add you don't know how to and

1:08:31

see you on Cox

1:08:35

finally thank you for joining the show

1:08:37

again I love you guys

1:08:40

on congratulations thank you

1:08:42

so much where

1:08:44

can we go to compliment your beautiful

1:08:47

Oh Jesus Ben

1:08:50

moa whatever I'll do that

1:08:52

bank roll us will be your your

1:08:59

parent daddy's yeah we are in

1:09:01

the market for sugar daddy's and mommy's oh

1:09:03

my always New

1:09:06

Jersey is the world if you want to hear New Jersey

1:09:08

based content and Chris Gethard go

1:09:11

over to your jerseys the world on patreon

1:09:13

and you can hear if

1:09:16

you want all right the

1:09:18

solid cargo crate

1:09:20

yeah the cargo crate full of Jersey

1:09:24

okay Laura do you have a place social media you want

1:09:26

to plug you and just say Instagram

1:09:29

and I post there very

1:09:31

sporadically two

1:09:34

L's and Wilcox if you want

1:09:36

in there you go humans

1:09:40

it is the season tis the season

1:09:42

we'd love you to give the gift

1:09:44

of improper humans four dollar subscription for

1:09:46

a month 40 for a year

1:09:48

what a deal you get

1:09:51

the professor feed the best taste

1:09:53

in the universe feed ad free I 4h

1:09:57

access to the discord what am I missing Brett

1:10:00

You get the best of music

1:10:02

episodes we're going to have at the end of the

1:10:04

year. Absolutely. You have your pick

1:10:06

and yeah. I

1:10:09

got to go back and collect my picks. I

1:10:11

kind of pick a pick and pick.

1:10:13

They can see the greatest concert ever. We're going

1:10:16

to put that up eventually, right? Definitely.

1:10:19

At the UCB theater. You can give it as

1:10:21

a gift. Yes,

1:10:24

give it as a gift. That's what I

1:10:26

was getting to. Give it as a gift.

1:10:28

Give the gift of improv for humans and

1:10:30

keep being human. Come

1:10:58

and sign up for the rule of full plan. Only $4 a

1:11:00

month or $40 a year. By

1:11:04

subscribing, you are giving us the ability

1:11:07

to pay our brilliant guests and

1:11:09

giving us all the platform for

1:11:11

more interaction and lots more comedy.