0:00

Humans, after 12 years, we have parted

0:02

ways with the corporate networks. We are

0:04

taking it to the next level with

0:06

our own independent platform. Improv

0:09

for humans dot com. We're not

0:11

just continuing the show. We have

0:13

created a hub for you

0:15

all to go deeper into the craft

0:17

of improv with me, Brett

0:20

and all the guests that you

0:23

love so much from Improv for

0:25

Humans, along with a ton of

0:27

new exclusive podcast and content. Not

0:31

only will you still find new ad

0:33

supported episodes available free every

0:36

week, as always, but

0:38

now with our new rule

0:41

of four subscription, only $40 for

0:43

a year, $4 a month, you

0:45

get ad free new episodes every

0:47

week with bonus scene, exclusive

0:49

access to the entire back

0:52

catalog. That's over 600 episodes,

0:54

all ad free for brand

0:57

new improv education podcast I

0:59

call Professor Besser,

1:02

where I will break down classic

1:04

improv for human scenes, take questions

1:06

from the members only discord, explore,

1:09

debate the craft with other improv

1:11

expert. Have you heard me talk

1:13

with Will Hines and Ian Roberts

1:15

yet? And I have also

1:17

uploaded my vault

1:19

of VHS tapes from

1:22

the the Stone Ages,

1:24

the 90s, the early aughts

1:26

featuring tons of never seen

1:28

footage, as well as

1:30

what I believe to be the greatest

1:33

comedy movies that I will share with

1:35

you with other guests, sketches,

1:38

performances, stand up bits. Wait,

1:41

you see this all on Professor Besser.

1:43

Plus I have this whole other feed,

1:46

the best taste in the universe, where

1:48

I deep dive with guests on music

1:51

and sci fi on that just whole

1:53

separate feed, but it's all part of

1:55

the rule of four subscription. Plus you

1:58

get all four of our premium. limited series

2:00

Brett and I made with all-star casts including

2:03

Stolen Idea, My Dead Wife,

2:05

The Robot Car, The States of Perfection, and

2:08

Best Serves the Audience. And

2:10

for the first time ever, all of

2:13

our content can be listened to virtually

2:15

any podcast app. Gone are

2:17

the days of needing separate apps to get

2:19

all this stuff. The signup process could not

2:22

be easier. It just takes one step, one

2:24

tap to import each of our feeds into

2:26

your app and then you can just listen

2:28

like any other show. All this for $4

2:31

a month individually or $40

2:33

for an entire year. That's

2:37

two months of savings. Humans,

2:39

$40 for one year right now. Humans,

2:43

you know. Leaving the corporate

2:45

network I mentioned earlier, that

2:47

makes producing a podcast with

2:49

three paid guests not as

2:51

easy. But it is a labor of

2:53

love for Brett and I. By

2:55

subscribing, not only are you allowing

2:57

us to make new episodes, you're

2:59

supporting our ensemble and empowering all

3:01

sorts of new content that's

3:04

already up for you to take

3:06

a taste of. Just for $4,

3:08

go taste it, humans. If

3:10

nothing else, you won't

3:12

have to hear this message again.

3:14

So go to impromptuhumans.com and sign

3:16

up now. Humans,

3:23

you are entering an improvised comedy

3:26

show restricted to human enemies. Improv

3:28

for humans is met better. Based

3:31

on your suggestions and other

3:34

sources of inspiration, men and

3:36

guests will perform fully improvised

3:38

scenes. Today's episode features human

3:40

guests. Me!

4:02

Turn up a little bit. Rhett.

4:10

We're in the New Year, 2024. This

4:12

is... Ghost 23. You

4:15

gotta love this. Dude, I

4:17

haven't even heard this one yet. Really? Good

4:20

intro. You got a minute to play up. Echo,

4:24

welcome. Thank you so

4:26

much for having me. Mookie,

4:28

welcome. Hello, thank you for having

4:30

me. This is gonna...

4:34

This is a good line read. And...

4:38

Humons, we're in January and

4:41

I see so many suggestions

4:43

waiting for us on

4:45

the Discord, on the Improv4Humans.

4:48

Discord that you can get by being a

4:50

member of improv4humans.com and we're seeing a lot

4:53

of good... So many that

4:55

I'm gonna say three at a time and you

4:57

can choose which one inspires you. Okay, fellas? To

4:59

tell a story and then we'll do some Improv based

5:01

on that story. How about the

5:04

word robbery? It's always

5:06

an interesting word. Then we

5:08

got whippets and

5:10

we got inconsiderate. Those are three different

5:12

words. Does that make you think of

5:15

a story? Whippets are great. Well,

5:18

robbery in particular makes

5:20

me... I used to

5:22

work at a GameStop in

5:24

the hood in Chicago, Illinois.

5:29

And we would get robbed

5:31

a lot. It was just, you know,

5:33

people... There was

5:36

this one instance where this guy came

5:38

in and he was just

5:40

looking at games on the wall and then he

5:43

just said, I'm

5:46

thirsty and knocked the

5:48

back door, like blew it open. It

5:50

was on the tangents, but he just

5:52

like ran through the back door, grabbed

5:55

a handful of video games, came

5:57

out the back door and was like, I

6:00

found my weight man and just like ran out.

6:03

And I was like, what the heck? You know, so they

6:06

wound up catching a guy and Gates, I was like,

6:08

Echo, you were there so you have to testify. And

6:10

I'm like, okay, I'll come back. Yeah, and I was

6:12

like, God, I guess I'll testify, right? So I go

6:15

to court and the guy's over there

6:17

and the attorney's like, you know, so you say, you're

6:19

saying you saw him going to back. And again, he's

6:21

an F and I'm thirsty. Then he went to back,

6:23

you know, and he came out. Did

6:26

you see him actually going to the back? And

6:28

I was like, well, no,

6:30

but if unless there's a portal there, he

6:32

went into the back, you know, and then

6:34

like, like people in the courthouse kind of

6:36

laugh, like it was like kind of a

6:38

joke. Like, you know, whatever. And the

6:40

dude wise up going to jail for like

6:43

eight months. And then he's out. He

6:46

comes back into the store, like

6:49

a year later. And I

6:52

see him come in and my heart drops

6:54

like to the pit. And

6:57

I see he lists up and say

6:59

there's one customer in the store with me. He lifts

7:01

up his pants. I see his gun. He has a,

7:04

well, this is insane. There's

7:08

one customer in store and he's like, wait, wait, wait.

7:10

Did you see this game? Like this other game is

7:12

like, you, you got to see this game. I was

7:14

just trying to keep this guy in a store with

7:16

me. Cause I'm like terrified. I write a note to

7:18

my other coworker, like call the police. It's the guy, you

7:20

know, so he goes into the back. I'm keeping this customer

7:22

in store. Cause I'm like, if this dude leaves, this dude's

7:25

going to probably turn around and shoot me. Oh

7:28

my God. Somehow we wind up hearing sirens going

7:30

off and

7:32

the dude winds up leaving the store. I locked the store.

7:34

We closed the store. The dude gets out, you know, I'm

7:37

like, Holy fuck. I like didn't come back

7:39

to the store for like six months. Cause I

7:41

was just like shaking. And

7:43

then I did wind up coming back to the store and

7:45

it happened to be the first time I did

7:48

acid. I was working one night. What? I

7:50

didn't realize, no, I didn't realize the acid

7:53

last, like it lasted 24 hours and I

7:55

didn't realize it. Like, so I

7:57

took acid the night before at a party for

7:59

the first time. I was like, oh, this is

8:01

great. Whoa. And I was like, there's this little box

8:03

that said, acid makes you smart. And I was like, oh,

8:05

it does. It opens you up. And then the next day,

8:07

I was like, fuck, I have work at this place. And

8:09

so I go to work. And

8:11

I see not the same guy anymore, but there

8:14

was another guy, and he was just pacing the

8:16

place weird. And for some reason, I was just

8:18

on acid. And I was just analyzing everything. And

8:20

I was like, no, this dude's about to rob

8:22

us. No way. No way. So I wound up

8:24

shutting the door down. And I wound up just

8:26

quitting that night on acid and being like, I

8:28

can't do this anymore. But

8:30

that's what robbery made me think of. And

8:32

I still have today. I quit that job

8:35

probably. Holy shit. That's

8:37

insane, dude. He could have shot you. He

8:39

could have. He'd live with it. Obviously, whether

8:41

he was going to or not, he was there to

8:43

scare the shit out of you. Oh, yeah. He succeeded.

8:46

Yeah, Jesus Christ. I mean, I felt like

8:48

I was protected somehow. It

8:51

was very well. But that's,

8:53

yeah. Can

8:56

we cut to the moment where you're trying to keep

8:58

the guy in the store? Yeah.

9:02

You know, I think I'm good. I

9:06

think I just fall out in any of these other

9:08

games. I'm just not going to be good at. No,

9:10

fall out. I think I'm just going to. No,

9:13

no. But you say you have kids, right? You

9:15

have kids, right? Because it's kick me. Yeah, I

9:17

want something I can play with her. Hey,

9:20

man, when you have a second, can you help me out? I'm

9:23

looking for something in particular. Yeah,

9:25

of course, sir. I'm looking for

9:27

something really particular. OK. You

9:30

can help him because I think I'm just going to add

9:32

home. I will help. I think we're just going to watch

9:34

a movie. Wait, there's a, you know, Fallout. There's a special

9:36

edition of Fallout. Did you know that? Yeah,

9:38

we got all of it. I know Fallout. We

9:40

got to watch it. I know Fallout. What movie?

9:42

What movie? That's one of those first person shooter

9:44

games, right? Yeah, sure. Yeah. That's

9:47

a first person shooter. It's like a sandbox.

9:49

It could be third person as well. What's

9:52

a third person shooter? Describe that. I never heard

9:54

of that. Well, you see

9:56

the person. You see the whole body. Yeah, the

9:58

whole body in front of you. point of the

10:00

gun I like first person now so I

10:02

don't want to be the third person here and I'll

10:04

just oh no what movie you're going to watch my

10:06

man have you seen ring of Barbie I

10:09

was good I was seeing up and I were are you

10:11

talking to me or him I'm

10:13

talking to the customer I would help

10:15

you sir you can just give me

10:17

one I'm watching this okay yeah I'm

10:20

kind of your old daughter I'm kind

10:22

of thirsty uh-huh we don't we don't sell

10:24

drinks there's no you don't have like a bottle of

10:28

Dasani or something no we don't that's

10:30

you're thinking block block you got candy

10:32

up here you got peach rings and

10:35

nerds and you don't sell drinks we

10:37

that's kind of fucked up you expect me to

10:39

eat a sugary box of nerds and not wash

10:42

it down with something we cut to an abandoned

10:44

building about 24 hours be before

10:47

that when all the bad

10:50

guys in the neighborhood are hanging out

10:53

so what's your catchphrase again I'm thirsty

10:56

I'm fuck it I'm thirsty

10:59

fuck it I'm thirsty yeah

11:01

all right it's kind of like it's

11:04

no matter where you're at yeah I'm sir I'm

11:06

thirsted to do a crime you know what I

11:08

mean but it's got my views

11:10

that for actual thirst sometimes

11:13

they do I would I feel like if

11:15

I was at the place being

11:17

robbed I would think it doesn't work as well

11:19

we're having a mental break yeah it doesn't work

11:21

as well when you rob like a bar you

11:23

know what I mean or like a restaurant has

11:25

drinks you know what I mean you got a really

11:27

you got a really pick where you where you are

11:29

where you say it yeah have

11:32

you robbed a bar restaurant like do

11:34

you well I'd

11:36

say the same thing fucking I'm thirsty and

11:38

then and then sometimes they'd be like sometimes

11:40

they're like hey quit you know they think

11:42

I'm a drunk idiot or the you know

11:44

the bartender will be like he's drunk I'm

11:47

gonna pour him a glass of water yeah

11:49

I would assume you're gonna garbage-mouth someone else's

11:51

drink off the bar or something yeah I

11:53

usually at that point I'm going for the register Oh

11:56

Bo if I could be 100% honest like

12:00

you're kind of stealing my slogan, screw

12:03

it, I'm crazy as hell and

12:05

I'm also very, very thirsty. I

12:07

think you're taking my phrase, it's

12:10

not co-opting it to be something for yourself,

12:12

man. Right, I don't know if I'd call

12:14

it taking it. I would say, you know,

12:17

like, I

12:19

think you could chalk that up to like inspired by.

12:21

So, you know what I mean? Inspired you, I inspired

12:23

you? Inspired me, yeah. Never mind. And if I, and

12:25

I, you know, I really do like your catchphrase, and

12:27

as I told you when you first introduced it I

12:30

kind of was like, I have a couple notes on it. I think

12:32

it's a little long. I think it can get

12:34

condensed a little bit. Can I hear them right

12:36

next to each other? Just as a third. Yeah,

12:38

let's do it right. A third person shooter here.

12:41

Screw it. Fuck it. Screw

12:43

it, I'm crazy and also I'm

12:45

very thirsty. Okay, good.

12:48

Now I do it? Yeah. Yeah.

12:50

Fuck it, I'm thirsty. Yours

12:53

does come out a little bit. It's quick, you

12:55

know what I mean? It's punchy, it's punchy. But

12:57

I feel like mine, they thinking like, I'm

12:59

getting multiple layers. Hey, no way. And we cut

13:01

to robbery with that guy. He's right in the

13:04

middle of his screw it. I'm

13:06

crazy and also I'm

13:09

fucking thirsty. Oh,

13:11

I got robbed last week by the

13:14

fuck it, I'm thirsty guy. Oh,

13:16

that son of a bitch is on my

13:18

territory. What the hell?

13:21

Just hang tight. His catchphrase was

13:23

long enough that we had time to call the police. Damn,

13:26

anyway. Do your catchphrase

13:28

again though. You wanna hear,

13:30

oh, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

13:32

They're out supporting, do it. I appreciate it,

13:35

it's okay. Not as punchy. Screw it, I'm

13:37

crazy and also I'm fucking

13:39

thirsty. Now give me

13:41

the money. Yeah, that animal also

13:44

really slows him down. Yeah, it's

13:46

like by the time he gets to the end

13:48

of it, I'm just like, I don't

13:51

even feel scared anymore. Y'all better stop

13:53

whispering to each other and give me

13:55

the goddamn money. We were just complimenting,

13:57

oh, that was a good one. Y'all

14:00

better stop whispering to each other and

14:02

give me the money. Give me

14:04

the $500. We come back to him with

14:07

his criminal buddies. Yeah, so I got

14:09

a new one now. It's really

14:11

working. I'm

14:13

getting the money and the robberies down

14:15

in 20 seconds flat with this new

14:17

one. All right. Let's hear

14:20

it. I'm listening. It's, hey,

14:23

y'all better stop playing around and give me the

14:25

money now. Kind

14:27

of like that. I

14:30

feel like you had said it earlier when

14:32

you came in. There was something about whispering.

14:34

I'm adding in. I'm adding in. I'm going

14:36

to say it. Yes, sir. Let's

14:50

talk some more about that. It

14:53

is all branding humans and I'm not even

14:55

fucking kidding. Humans

14:57

these days, they don't even know what they want to be

15:00

when they grow up, but they're building their

15:02

programs for whatever. They

15:04

all want to be influencers. Yeah,

15:08

who wants to influence anyone? Humans,

15:12

let's go back to these words. Language,

15:17

that's a word. Card

15:20

is a word. Trendy.

15:25

Any of those do anything for you? Do you

15:27

think trendy lately? The

15:29

most trendy thing you've done lately. What

15:33

is the most trendy thing I've done lately? I

15:41

was encouraged recently to

15:43

get jeans that

15:45

are slightly wider

15:47

and baggier. I feel like I'm

15:49

changing with a clothing trend right

15:51

now where I feel like for

15:53

years and years I

15:56

wanted t-shirts and jeans. I think coming

15:59

out of the early... 2000s into

16:01

the 2000 teens was

16:03

like, you know,

16:05

indie rock strokes like, you

16:07

know, skinny jeans and like

16:10

tighter fitting t-shirts and now I feel like

16:12

the trend is moving towards more

16:14

like bigger baggier fitting t-shirts and jeans

16:16

and stuff like that and I think

16:18

I'm finally starting

16:20

to embrace that trend and

16:23

like the way that it looks on my body

16:25

because I feel like I because

16:27

I'm five years behind it probably or three

16:29

years behind it and

16:31

it feels now like I am I can

16:35

see it on enough other people to go I think

16:37

I like that and then try it for myself and

16:39

now like I'm wearing clothes that

16:41

are just like a little bit bigger and baggier

16:44

on me and I'm adapting with

16:46

the trends. It's a 40 year old

16:48

man. He

16:52

cuts to or we all cut to

16:54

one of

16:56

those kind of

16:59

Nordstrom's like places that got a lot

17:01

of brands on the same floor of

17:03

Men in Clothing and Michael

17:06

is a little he's like 10

17:08

yards away from these two guys

17:10

are looking over at him and

17:13

whispering. That's the new thing

17:19

going on for sure. Are

17:23

you guys can I help you guys? Do you work here?

17:27

I shop here on the reg.

17:29

Oh, okay. Yeah, we're regular shoppers.

17:32

Yeah. Yeah. They actually have

17:34

people go out and grab the

17:36

clothing for us and bring it to us. Oh,

17:38

that's cool. I've actually I've actually never even been

17:41

in here before. This is kind of like maybe

17:43

you guys could help me. I'm looking for I'm

17:47

trying to get away from these tight T-shirts and

17:49

jeans. Sorry,

17:54

I'm looking for some new shirts

17:56

and jeans just like something.

18:00

a little kind of maybe that fits a little looser

18:02

on me, you know what I mean? I know

18:05

I'm kind of a skinny jeans and slim

18:07

fit t-shirt kind of guy but I'm kind of trying

18:10

to get away from that. You kind of like the clothes

18:12

you guys are wearing, yeah? Oh

18:14

yeah, a comfortable loose fitting.

18:17

Yeah, yeah. It's even less

18:19

about comfort for me at this point. It's like I kind of just

18:21

want to go with the – I've been

18:23

seeing people wearing, young people wearing this kind

18:25

of clothes and I'm kind of interested in

18:28

trying it myself. So

18:30

it's not coming from a real place? I'm

18:32

just kind of doing – Oh, I mean it's coming

18:34

from a real place. What you're wearing now seems to,

18:37

I don't know, suit who you are.

18:40

You don't need to change to please

18:42

other people. Oh, that's such

18:44

a nice thing for you to say to me.

18:46

Wow. Yeah, I mean –

18:48

You and I think Vampire Weekend. Oh,

18:50

wow, yeah. But like older. Yeah,

18:53

no. And I don't feel like they've had a good

18:55

album in a while. I know they just had

18:58

a new album. I'm sure you like the album

19:00

that came out when it did. Yeah, the one

19:02

– The style you're wearing came out that thing

19:04

here. The one that was like – Yeah. Yeah,

19:07

of course that – That was their first album. That

19:11

was about 2006 or so. Yeah.

19:17

And about five minutes later, the guy

19:21

who actually does work at Nordstrom's and goes

19:23

and gets the clothes and takes them to

19:25

the change room has been trying to avoid

19:27

him and been running around. He finally grabs

19:29

them. Oh, okay. Sorry, can I help you?

19:31

Can I help you? Although all the change rooms are locked. I feel like

19:33

I need your help. Yeah, I have to open a change room. I just

19:35

have three items here. I have two shirts and a pair of jeans. Can

19:38

I see those? Uh-huh, yeah. Okay.

19:41

Yeah. I don't know if these are for you. Okay.

19:43

I just want – Okay. I

19:46

don't know if they're for me either. That's why I want to try them on. You

19:48

want to think about these and I'll set them

19:50

aside and you can come back tomorrow? Part

19:58

of me thinking about them is that I Just try them. Mine

20:00

and see what they look like in the

20:02

mirror. So to is a close eye on

20:04

my lunch break. Can I just said I'm

20:06

I'd okay when and economic acts. Like.

20:08

An Hour and a Half Hour An Hour And

20:10

a Half an Hour and a half That starts

20:12

right now our and hour and a half his

20:15

three pm you closer size. Stevens's.

20:18

Comebacks and he goes so he he

20:20

goes to once when the nicer restaurants

20:23

around there and he sees other people

20:25

kind of the screen other tables and

20:27

lithium. Ah

20:31

yeah can I get a to

20:33

sell? I get a bento ball

20:36

with chicken teriyaki and when Philadelphia

20:38

role past. Coming

20:41

runaway. Earth and

20:43

receive Zarate staff now looking

20:46

over and talking in whispering.

20:49

Tell my. Scars,

20:55

To a sorry I'm. Obsessed!

20:58

How old is every one of the small

21:00

on. of

21:03

an excuse me says here. Ah,

21:07

What? You're doing. It

21:09

at that rate. The way you look. For

21:12

the restaurant that excuse me specific

21:14

now we see it's to fire

21:16

mas eerily silent like everyone has

21:19

turned and stop talking and is

21:21

looking at hand. Ah

21:24

yes I have as the the

21:26

it helps us how old is

21:28

everyone in the small and. Of

21:33

an excuse me says yes. Ah,

21:37

What You're doing. It, It

21:39

is it, right? The way you look. For

21:42

the restaurant that excuse reasons it

21:44

is now is see it's to

21:46

fire mas eerily silent like everyone

21:48

has turned and stop talking and

21:50

is looking at him. Ah

21:54

I vote the It seems

21:56

like the criticism from everybody

21:59

of this. Was that my clothes

22:01

are outdated and let the required by

22:03

law to as right. Hey

22:05

who so does she say? Why?

22:08

to display? Armaments,

22:12

Say no to Isis was onset.

22:15

I know my clothes are a

22:17

little tight but. The

22:20

sole reason I'm here to do understand

22:22

what other than many other some enemy

22:24

doesn't care about the can I try

22:26

not just a few years behind since

22:28

you please be patient with me. He

22:31

stands up too quickly spill soup over

22:33

the last. Six

22:37

months back to the clothing

22:39

store. And a clothing store

22:41

is Fucking. Empty. Like

22:45

there was no clue. Know

22:47

close their says empty ranks

22:49

is completely abandoned. Know in

22:51

their God's name has happens

22:53

here. Oh.

22:55

My. God. He

22:58

sees the guys had been held not

23:00

helping him earlier tenants. Run

23:03

around a corner does scare so

23:05

I see over their home. He

23:07

runs Max Anti Cancer from there

23:10

in the bowels. As a mall

23:12

behind Region Us has to be

23:14

was where employers must pay for

23:16

the heck. I just wanna try

23:18

on a pair of jeans of

23:20

widest fitting jeans. He sees a

23:22

crate of exactly what he's talking

23:25

about, the genes he had had

23:27

earlier. all. Baggy

23:29

oversized jeans and size.

23:31

feeling a little substance.

23:35

Abuse as a secular view these home with

23:37

me since nobody has gonna help me for

23:40

I am on myself one in every size

23:42

City August the biggest seeds I've ever seen

23:44

in my whole fucking life and where I'm

23:46

and sick my whole body inside one of

23:48

the legs. Maybe I'll

23:50

start a new trends? Yes

23:54

says that the next day.

23:57

To. A diner in these weren't. On

24:00

one leg of this one percent

24:03

baggy jeans hello ma'am boys whisper

24:05

others that's oh oh sums difference.

24:07

The bells this time around is

24:09

the ways to side are under

24:12

snacks and he has one of

24:14

his arms coming up the other

24:16

leg. Allows I'd

24:18

like to a silver easy pleased

24:21

with hash browns, sourdough toes and

24:23

turkey sausage of course and send

24:25

I'm gonna win a free coffee

24:27

for you as well sir! Wow!

24:30

Thank you so much that side like

24:32

to buy a coffee for you as

24:34

well. Wow Arctic to hobby I'm a

24:36

coffee say. Says

24:40

everybody the so lovely have you

24:43

seen more? Time is Larry has

24:45

all these coffees to go to.

24:49

The thank you so much I hope Reynolds the my

24:51

my new outfit soon as. I

24:55

do you have carried out to my

24:57

car Harrys are think of the effect

24:59

of us were like a hundred coffee

25:01

stay by America. Sorry

25:04

these are for me for herself

25:06

is Dennis youngsters to try it

25:08

over to have. Those who died

25:10

in the city. Christmas Death which is

25:12

your clothes? Your stupid Thirty Close. With

25:16

him or her, he still has The

25:18

Coffee House is what that's part of.

25:21

The fans decidedly sounds as if Robertson's

25:23

all of whom. It's actually part of

25:25

the trend. Or

25:28

honey. and yes, maybe in the. Or

25:30

wants you to come the bed. The

25:32

Now gave those clothes on

25:34

baby! The Those clothes on.

25:38

You. In our enemy on this new you

25:40

fools who I am Home I taught me

25:42

I made love and years climb into the

25:44

sky and pant leg with me this room

25:46

farmers juri and with Su Amor to get

25:48

him to hear of. Go come on now

25:50

careful with so it's almost like old coffee

25:52

I've been spoon coffee on at all day

25:54

long. Who was with cannabis for this year?

26:09

Yeah, one word suggestion from

26:11

Discord. Humons, that

26:14

was obviously inspirational. Let's go back

26:16

to Discord. By

26:20

the way, that robbery story was pretty unbelievable.

26:22

Oh my God, yeah. Nuts.

26:25

That's why I would suggest people

26:28

not testifying. Yeah, not

26:30

for corporation, no way. Yeah, let

26:32

Johnny Long figure that one out.

26:34

Yeah, yeah. But

26:37

good for you, I guess, for trying. You didn't know.

26:40

He asked this dude's going to hear this podcast

26:42

like, oh, yeah, that's right.

26:46

He just rejogged my memory. I

26:48

knew I should have gotten behind

26:51

the paywall. Humons,

26:54

baggage is

26:56

a word. Ooh, lost

26:59

is the very next word. And

27:02

then there's touchy. Lost

27:05

baggage, touchy. We

27:08

all know my feelings on touchy. What about

27:11

baggage? Any baggage stories? We've

27:14

all got it. Bitch.

27:20

Bitch. I

27:26

know this isn't really a story. I'm

27:28

just trying to think of anything baggage. But I

27:31

remember going to, I think it was, I took

27:34

a trip to Austin one

27:36

time. And my

27:40

bag, I had

27:43

like a duffel bag that had a rip in

27:45

it. And when it came

27:47

out of the like the

27:49

carousel at the airport, it

27:52

had like it had like

27:54

ripped completely open in the plane. And

27:56

all my clothes came out of

27:58

it and they just put it in a giant plastic. bag,

28:02

which was just funny to me, just like everybody's nice

28:04

clean bags were coming out and then like my

28:07

bag with like, that was literally they put in like

28:09

a giant clear trash bag with all my shit in

28:11

it. And it was just like, it looked like I

28:13

had packed it that way and people were just like,

28:15

whose bag is that? It

28:17

was nice of them to do it and

28:19

not just like send it out with my shit all over

28:21

the place. But it was just like, it looked like I

28:24

had at my house taken all

28:26

of my clothes, thrown it in a giant

28:28

clear garbage bag with my bag with

28:30

my duffle bag. And then like had

28:32

to like carry that like through like

28:34

to like in like my Uber and

28:37

stuff like that and like carry this

28:39

giant trash bag

28:41

with all my shit in it. So we

28:43

see that coming out down the carousel. What

28:47

the fuck? This guy didn't even bother

28:49

to put his stuff in his bag.

28:51

Oh, that's right. Hey

28:53

buddy. Is that yours? This is

28:55

yours? Yeah, that's mine. I think

28:58

my back at home. Pack

29:01

it home. Yeah. Back for the air life,

29:03

man. Oh,

29:08

you can only get to your

29:10

destination. Look, I can't afford, I

29:13

can't afford big. I

29:16

can't afford big fancy luggage like you guys

29:18

have that like rolls next to

29:20

you while you walk through the airport. I have

29:22

my dad's old duffle bag that he used for

29:24

when he played sports when he was a kid.

29:26

And that's what I have. And it rips. Okay.

29:29

I'm actually, I bet he did too. And also

29:32

my bag. He's behind

29:34

me. I'm actually, I'm actually

29:36

here for his funeral. Oh, wow.

29:38

When, when I take five

29:40

minutes to pack up, this is how you honor

29:43

your father. You know, I can see your

29:46

underwear. Yeah.

29:48

It's a clear bag, man. We can see

29:51

everything you're packing. Yeah. I can see your

29:53

socks, your underwear, your floss. Okay. Well you're

29:55

looking, you're the one looking. I can't help

29:57

but look. We haven't got our bag. bags

30:00

yet we have to look like a

30:02

mayor belt that's when the agreement of

30:04

society is we hide we

30:06

hide these things from each other

30:09

because it's disgusting it wasn't dental

30:11

floss and underwear is disgusting oh

30:15

man okay listen hide your underwear

30:18

yeah everybody I thought the thing in the

30:20

airport was we're all just supposed to ignore

30:22

each other and leave each other alone exactly

30:24

that is it new forced

30:27

us to yeah not do that hey you're

30:29

looking at my underwear you don't want to

30:31

keep looking you're putting your out your inside

30:33

outside to us right now we don't want

30:35

to see that keep it to yourself man

30:37

all right fine look some of the underwear

30:39

is inside out do

30:41

not before you pack make

30:44

all your underwear jostled and turned itself

30:47

inside out there streaks in some of

30:49

the underwear you packing dirty clothes no

30:51

it's just again I can't I've had

30:53

this underwear for a long time I

30:55

can't afford any streaks yes

30:58

yes ma'am there's okay okay I'm

31:01

taking my bag I'm

31:04

taking my bag off the belt here and I'm gonna

31:06

find another something to put it in so that you

31:08

all don't have how about the duffel bag it ripped

31:12

the reason my clothes are out is because

31:14

the duffel bag ripped oh that's just an

31:16

excuse you probably ripped it so you didn't

31:18

have to pack it fine fine I'm taking

31:20

all my stuff out and I'm taking it

31:22

out of the bag and I'm putting it

31:24

in the ripped duffel bag and I'm gonna

31:26

do my best and he shoves it all

31:28

into your best and he's walking through the

31:31

airport and there's something for you but I

31:33

know you're doing your best buddy oh

31:35

hey thanks I think

31:38

I worked here all

31:42

right your bath damn it

31:44

I'm leaving a trail of do

31:54

him not the airport do him not the airport

32:00

Hey, Mr. You go pick up your

32:02

underwear to spell out of your ratty-hold

32:05

bag. Yeah, it

32:07

streaks on. I don't want my kids seeing that.

32:09

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm just trying to get

32:11

to my dad's funeral. Just do your best. Hey,

32:13

thanks. That guy needs a raise, okay? Why

32:15

doesn't he help you? I don't know. He keeps

32:17

yelling from a distance. Every time I walk

32:19

towards him, he keeps moving farther away from me so

32:22

he can yell at me from

32:28

a long distance away. Hey, man,

32:30

all I know is I hope you're not going to

32:32

see your dad's dead grave or something like that because

32:34

he'd be really disappointing you right now. Well, we're going

32:36

to be lowering him into his grave. Oh,

32:39

oh. I was doing that randomly. I didn't know

32:41

that. Wow. It just

32:43

seemed like the worst reason there would

32:45

be this discombobulated in an airport. Hey,

32:47

sorry about what I said earlier too.

32:50

I didn't know you guys were lowering him into the

32:52

grave. Yeah, well, that's kind of what the funeral is

32:54

all about. Oh, well,

32:56

you need to say that specifically. Well, okay,

32:58

okay, okay. You could have been a memorial

33:01

too. You knew he don't know, man. Yeah,

33:03

he could have already been burnt to ashes

33:05

just drinking somewhere. Yeah, you could have cremated

33:07

him so you don't have to put him in the grave.

33:09

We don't know. We know your life. Grave's

33:12

kind of an old school concept. You

33:14

guys are like way too interested in what's going on

33:16

with me. I

33:18

feel like you... Why are you in Austin?

33:20

What are you in Austin for? I'm

33:24

here for a soft by soft west, buddy.

33:27

Oh, just the Longhorns. Oh,

33:29

wow. Are you a filmmaker? No,

33:33

I'm a musical artist. Oh,

33:35

what kind of... I do indie pop

33:37

punk. Oh, wow. What's

33:40

your coach's football team and I do graffiti

33:42

art. Wow. And

33:44

what does your underwear look like? Well,

33:48

obviously, it's labeled Monday

33:50

through Sunday and today

33:53

is Thursday. So my underwear has

33:55

Thursday around the strap, around the

33:57

elastic. Okay. Well, I think

33:59

that's... weird. Wow,

34:03

what a burn. We cut to the

34:05

funeral right in the moment. All

34:08

right, everyone. This is the moment where we're

34:10

going to actually lower the casket

34:13

into the grave. So everybody who wants

34:15

to help with that, you can gather

34:17

around. I want to help. I'll

34:21

miss you, old man. Yeah?

34:24

Yeah. Who are you? I'm

34:27

his son. Which son? His

34:29

only son? Oh,

34:33

he talked about you. He

34:36

did? His son's here. His

34:38

son? Can we just check the ID?

34:40

The one who never visited? I

34:43

look a lot like him. You

34:49

know it's me. It's me, Michael. Michael,

34:52

if that's your name, can I just check your ID really quick,

34:54

man, if that's okay? Yeah, just real quick. Okay,

34:57

Father, sure. Yeah, thank you. Here

34:59

you go. Wow. Oh,

35:03

see, that's one of those flashlights that has

35:05

like a black light on it too.

35:07

Okay, let me see. Okay.

35:10

Okay. All right. My date

35:12

of birth is November 14th, 83. I mean, what do you want? Yeah.

35:15

Yeah, that's great. Yeah. So

35:17

you're 40. Here you go. Yeah. Just

35:20

turned 40. You haven't seen your father in a long time. Wow. Well,

35:23

yeah, I mean, I'm, you know, just because of distance, you

35:25

know, I live in Florida and I live in Florida.

35:28

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

35:30

Most of us friends, most of us, we see them all the time.

35:32

We just wanted to cremate them. Yeah. We

35:35

want to assist it on the. Okay.

35:39

All right, everybody. Everybody get a hand on the casket.

35:41

Let's just lower it in the low. Hey,

35:43

get a grip on it there, buddy. Yeah, I'm

35:46

trying to. Okay. You got to

35:48

get a corner. Yeah, you got to get. Okay. I'm

35:51

going for it. You guys are like all crowded around. I

35:53

don't even have room to write. But you set your feet.

35:55

Whoa. Hey.

35:57

And the cash. Oh,

36:00

you broke it! And the casket drops into the

36:02

grave and he falls into the grave and his

36:04

duffel bag with all his underwear falls into the

36:06

grave that he had on his shoulder. Ah,

36:09

there's shit in the drink. Ah, Jesus.

36:11

Just bury us. Big yodery,

36:13

gross! Just bury us. Come

36:17

on, everyone get a shovel and get

36:19

some dirt on here. Your

36:37

one word suggestion from Discord.

36:41

Okay, here's some good words. Engagement

36:43

is a word. Hammer

36:47

is a

36:49

word. And

36:53

wee wee. Wee wee. Hammer. Engagement.

36:55

Wee wee. Wee wee. Wee

36:59

wee. Hammer. Engagement. Um,

37:03

hmm. Wee

37:11

wee can mean pee pee or wiener. I

37:15

don't have a story and we don't have to use that word. I just

37:17

want to make sure I said that. That's

37:19

true. Um,

37:24

wee wee just reminds me of a nickname

37:27

almost for somebody. So

37:29

when I grew up, my

37:32

nickname was Pooh. Pooh. That's

37:34

what everyone called me. All the

37:37

youngest kids were named Pooh.

37:40

And then since I was the youngest, like all

37:42

the babies they called them Pooh, since I was

37:44

the youngest, it stuck with me like for a

37:46

long time. And

37:48

I had a cousin named Brandon and

37:52

my brother, like he would come over, like he was

37:54

like our close cousin, he'd come over and play with

37:57

us. And my brothers and sisters. It

38:00

was funny to pit us against each other all the time because

38:02

they just thought it was funny like the two younger siblings

38:05

having or two younger family members having a

38:07

fight and They

38:09

would get me furious with this little

38:11

saying that they would say And

38:14

it would go It would

38:17

go Brandon Brandon. We like Brandon. We

38:19

don't like poo Brandon

38:22

Brandon we like Brandon. We don't like poo

38:24

and then I would just get Furious

38:27

like so angry and just like want to

38:29

fight Brandon and stuff like that, but they

38:31

would really Hit us

38:34

against each other big time,

38:36

but Brandon we want to become a very very good

38:38

friends But I just my brother and then we would

38:40

do like these Kung Fu Sunday days

38:43

where we watch Kung

38:45

Fu which came on like channel 26 to you we

38:48

didn't have cape or anything like that So Kung Fu

38:50

would come on every Sunday and my

38:52

older brother would get on his knees and fight

38:54

me and my cousins And he like act like

38:56

he was a silent master and stuff like that

38:58

and we just like go at it

39:00

with each other But that's what we're just going

39:02

to think of We

39:05

see a family reunion At

39:08

a Thanksgiving dinner. It's like they're

39:10

all in their early 30s

39:12

now There

39:14

he is. That's hey haven't seen him in a

39:17

while. Hey echo. Hey,

39:19

what's up y'all? Hey? Hey,

39:21

what's up? Hey, hey

39:23

good to see you Yeah

39:27

You don't remember I'm Roger. I'm

39:29

Brandon's older brother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

39:31

Yeah cousin rogers. Yeah. Nice to

39:33

see you Nice, you're all growing

39:35

up. Yeah, I know right it's

39:38

crazy Tom flies Doesn't

39:40

it but yet you can I still

39:42

remember so so many good memories So

39:45

remember when we'd all fight after

39:47

the Kung Fu movies. Yeah Yeah,

39:50

that was so fun. Yeah. Yeah, and

39:52

remember a Brandon Brandon We

39:54

love Brandon. We don't like poo and you

39:57

were poo Remember that

40:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

40:03

you know what was weird about that what

40:06

what's that? You

40:08

know what never mind no no we're so

40:10

much older now. No, it

40:12

was weird. What was weird about it? It's

40:16

weird to talk about things like that so many

40:18

years later. It's been really decades hasn't

40:20

it? Oh, no Yeah, look how much

40:23

we've grown Yeah, yeah

40:26

Yeah, you got a beard now. I got this Fun

40:29

little flu man shoe. Mm-hmm,

40:31

you know Both

40:36

have significant others. Yeah, I'll move done

40:38

We do have people who love us

40:40

so it wouldn't matter that that we

40:42

actually did love Brandon we did Yeah

40:45

that you guys didn't like me essentially It

40:49

so you did you know that at the time

40:52

that we actually didn't like you Wasn't

40:55

just a way to get you instigated No,

40:58

yeah, I love Brandon Brandon, but we

41:00

didn't yeah you being poo. I mean

41:02

no I thought excluded a lot In

41:06

childhood by you guys. Yes, so the

41:08

words hit but also the actions you

41:10

guys took also hit like you give

41:13

Brandon Kool-Aid and then you guys locked

41:15

me out of the house and that

41:18

those like those like it's pretty obvious

41:20

that It wasn't just fun and games.

41:22

It was we just didn't like you.

41:24

Is that poo? Wow, it

41:26

is Brandon What

41:30

are you doing inside the house? Wow,

41:42

you Grand

41:46

Yeah, yeah Wow. Yeah,

41:49

man Did you

41:51

uh, did you get have you had a drink yet? Did

41:53

you get the any of the punch? Uh, I Did

41:57

not get a punch but I got I got a butt light. I

41:59

got a but like we're fridge. Oh

42:01

yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

42:04

Another punch for poo. A punch

42:06

for you. No punch. Hey, I got a punch

42:08

for you. Ow, any.

42:10

Ha ha, you guys remember. Yeah.

42:13

Don't do that. Man, man. My kids

42:16

anymore. Yeah, man. It's good to catch

42:18

up with you, man. My life has

42:20

been just nothing but incredible since we,

42:23

you know, since the last time I

42:25

saw you, just like. We cut to

42:27

an hour later, there's an ambulance outside

42:30

and police. There's a steak knife

42:32

now and a brand shoulder. Okay,

42:35

just let everybody calm down. Dude,

42:37

I'm part of this shit. Let's

42:40

just talk this out. Holy shit, that's all you got,

42:42

put another knife in. Give me

42:44

another knife, I'll stab him again. Poo

42:46

sticks, P-U. Poo sticks,

42:48

P-U. F-U. I'm part of

42:51

y'all. We see the police work their way

42:53

into the house. Okay, okay. Oh. All

42:55

right, all right, everybody calm down. Where

42:58

did this start? Who killed the dog?

43:02

Look, I think the dog

43:04

was an accident. Like we trampled over him

43:06

as we were tussling, okay? It was Poo,

43:08

man. He's always so emotional, man. He

43:11

can never take a joke, man. He can

43:13

never take a joke. It's not a

43:15

joke. You guys just told me how everything,

43:17

you missed it. You made it very clear

43:19

you kept needling me on. Have you

43:21

guys been drinking? It doesn't, it's too early

43:24

for the hessity. I've just been having punch.

43:26

I've had a butt light. I have one

43:28

butt light, one butt light, officer. So

43:31

just tell me how it started. How

43:34

much time do you have? It started when I

43:36

was born into this family. Okay, well they don't

43:38

have that much time. Okay, well

43:41

all I know is that he assaulted me,

43:44

kept punching me, and

43:46

things got out of hand, officer. So it's

43:48

branded, he was the instigator. Can I tell

43:50

my side of the story, please? Yeah. You

43:53

have to understand, this is little Poo, right?

43:55

Okay. He used to a

43:57

little runt to the family. He's the right. Little

43:59

Poo. How didn't know it is that you ever

44:02

say oil that I'm Alex Hobson and round

44:04

they get expelled for to bully the lawyer.

44:06

You either says family dynamics right? You know

44:08

what? I'm here sir. I was the older

44:10

brother. I get it's like Boost or the

44:12

older brother to. I get it. All the

44:14

cops seemed to have been older brothers. Yeah,

44:16

I was the old not roads it is.

44:20

Yes, Well let's just turn up

44:22

the how it goes, you don't a me.

44:24

Riots always echo down in jail. He's the

44:26

only one. See

44:29

the other prisoners over to

44:31

the side. A

44:34

man on the count of three. Brand.

44:38

And friend paid what we

44:40

see. What? Was.

44:43

That new guy non on master me

44:45

just. Not. The mess we heard

44:48

about a man. We've. Heard about

44:50

year we were waiting for you man. From

44:52

home in front of ah, me from who wouldn't

44:55

talking about. Are not an army. Brat.

45:00

Heard about Poo Know. You.

45:03

Do look for how know it's you her

45:05

my name's Napu my name is is the

45:08

deal Okay. As our weird

45:10

you. That's.

45:12

Look I saw that sounds like a myth. That sounds like

45:15

a name is is made up. Is

45:17

not Pool. That's. All I know,

45:20

that's not who I am. a grown man. I'm

45:22

a grown man. I'm thirty five years ago. get.

45:26

In the eyes an average of not

45:28

date in the prison system for years

45:30

because every time his mouth to get

45:32

on for all someone were instigating with

45:34

that phrase and we cut through years

45:36

of therapy in those circles of Guys

45:39

Road and tells the story about going

45:41

into raids and. Finally

45:43

one day when he's like. seventy

45:46

eight years old his get not

45:48

a presence good luck out there

45:51

man you remember no matter what

45:53

anyone cause you poop or says

45:55

they like someone else or even

45:58

disenchanted value distillers gets you. You're

46:00

a good guy. You're

46:02

a good guy. I'm a good guy. I've done

46:04

the work. I'm a

46:07

lot better now. Thank

46:10

you for those books and

46:12

everything you all done. I will truly

46:15

miss you all. And

46:17

he finally walks out of prison for the

46:19

first time in decades and their degree to

46:21

miss Brandon leaning

46:24

on the side of his car. What's

46:27

up little poo? Been

46:30

a long time. What are

46:32

you doing here, Brandon? I

46:34

told them I didn't want you to pick me up.

46:38

The rest of the family's dead. They

46:41

all you. I'm the

46:44

last one. They all fought each

46:46

other until they all killed each

46:48

other. Damn. I

46:50

can't lie to see that coming. I

46:53

could understand it but you know what Brandon

46:55

I've forgiven you for all the trouble

46:57

you've done to me. Wow

46:59

that's really

47:01

beautiful. Wow.

47:03

Yeah. Little

47:06

poo poo. Great tale he won. He

47:08

kills him right outside

47:14

the prison. Morality tale.

47:17

Your

47:19

one

47:22

word

47:24

suggestion

47:26

from discord. Humans I see

47:37

other words here. I see

47:40

overcharge. I see

47:42

artifact. I see freebie.

47:44

We get freebie and

47:47

overcharge. Right next to each other.

47:50

And bottle. My

47:55

daughter loves any freebie. He can just be the biggest

47:57

piece of shit. I'm

48:00

the same way. You love

48:02

swag. I cannot pass

48:04

up a free thing or like some kind

48:06

of deal or buy one. I will buy

48:08

things at the grocery store

48:10

that are like buy one get one that I just

48:12

don't even need. I just have to have it. Wow,

48:15

you love the freebie. Yeah. Who

48:19

you're a big Group Honor person? Did you ever get into

48:21

that with you? No,

48:23

you know, not really but like I started

48:25

in the last few years like getting apps

48:28

for all like the like fast food places

48:31

in grocery stores like I have the Vons

48:33

app and like if you

48:35

earn enough rewards points you get like a

48:37

free thing. So you'll do like one

48:39

reward or two reward but sometimes it'll be like

48:41

you get like a free rotisserie chicken or something

48:43

and I'm like well of course I'm getting like

48:45

I'll eat a rotisserie chicken. I

48:48

do anyways or like or

48:50

like gal taco will just be like, you

48:52

know, like they'll have a deal like cut

48:54

the route and he's

48:56

come with a stack of coupons and these

48:58

guys don't. Yeah, he's out

49:01

there. He says he gets a free pickled

49:05

pigs foot. If

49:07

he has these ones right here. Hey, where are

49:09

your pickled pigs feet? The

49:12

southern Ralph. Yeah,

49:17

it's hey, you're not

49:19

supposed to come back here. Did yeah, this is this

49:21

is a well, I can't come to a

49:23

public grocery store and shop for groceries. You

49:26

can't come into the back. All right. Let's

49:28

just bring it out front here. Okay, it

49:30

says this coupon is honored in in 48

49:32

of the in the continental United States. Yeah,

49:35

you already told me that and

49:37

we're not in here. Not in Alaska, Hawaii, right?

49:41

No, sir. We're in California. Go ahead. You're here. You're going

49:43

to deal. It does

49:45

indeed. I looked it up. You are entitled

49:47

to a pickle. Pig's foot.

49:50

I don't think we

49:52

carry those in the California Ralphs.

49:55

Okay, so you're in contact with the other

49:57

Ralphs in the other states, correct? You're

50:00

not just a bunch of disparate Ralphs. No.

50:03

Pick up the phone and give

50:06

them a call. How about

50:08

we figure out a way

50:10

to make it work here. We can't order it from another

50:12

store, sir. So pickle,

50:14

pigs feet is what you want? Yes,

50:17

I want a free jar of pickles. Like a ham. We'll

50:20

give you some ham and we

50:22

can give you a pickle. Okay,

50:26

I think I should get two hams and two

50:28

pickles. Oh my God. For

50:30

the inconvenience of not being given exactly what I

50:33

came in here for. Okay,

50:35

we're trying to work. I'm saying if you

50:38

can't give me a jar of pickles, pigs

50:40

feet, then fine. I'll take ham and a

50:42

pickle, but you have to give me more

50:44

than just one of these to make up

50:46

for it. And a half of a

50:48

big pickle. How about you just

50:51

give me my whole cart of groceries for free? That's...

50:55

No, sir, we can't

50:57

do that. I'll

51:00

pay for the pack of gum so

51:02

you can ring me up. Eka, can you actually

51:05

call one of our Southern Rawls? Yes,

51:07

please. I'll wait here. Okay. Have

51:09

you ever had a pickle, pickle, pigs foot? It's really good.

51:12

No, I haven't. Have you ever had deviled

51:14

ham? I've

51:16

never had deviled... What's deviled ham? I've

51:19

never had that. It's like a can of like mashed

51:21

up salty ham. It's really good. Okay.

51:24

Wow. Okay. All

51:26

right. Hello. Hi. Hey,

51:30

hello, sir. This is Echo from

51:32

the Rawls store, number 815 in

51:34

California. Are

51:36

you calling all the way from Cali, 815? Yeah.

51:40

Yeah, we're calling away from California. Can you put them

51:42

on speaker so I can hear what he's saying? Yeah,

51:44

one second. Okay. And look, this

51:47

store is located in Conway, Arkansas, if I'm

51:49

not mistaken. That's right. We're going to Conway,

51:51

Arkansas. Okay, great. Oh,

51:54

number 427. Oh, wow. You guys are

51:56

the top one of the top 10 stores in the

51:58

nation. Well, thank you, sir. We are proud of

52:01

that fact. What can I do for you? We

52:04

have a customer who has about 17 coupons

52:08

Right, right, right. We get those types. It's actually

52:10

22. Okay, it's 22. Sorry about that sir But

52:14

he is very upset that he that

52:16

we don't carry pickle pick feet

52:18

in this store and you guys sold out

52:20

I'm not upset. I'm just simply saying that

52:22

you should have the thing that you the

52:25

coupon honors Good. Okay, you think you seem

52:27

kind of upset earlier. He's kind of changed.

52:29

Okay. Well, I'll just decide what my What

52:32

my feelings are sure that's that's fine

52:34

I'm just the tone just was a

52:36

little bit more heated originally, but

52:38

so we don't we don't carry

52:40

the pickles pig feet Actually, so

52:43

that's why I was calling you. Oh y'all

52:45

don't carry that No, we

52:47

don't we don't and we don't carry smoked

52:49

salmon here. So I get it. Oh, yeah I

52:52

make sense. Yeah different different routes carry different

52:54

things. That's true. That's true. I had some

52:57

asshole I mean a client come in here

52:59

the other day with a bunch of coupons

53:01

saying Where's my

53:03

locks? Where's my locks? I'm

53:06

entitled to free locks Yeah,

53:08

it's like we don't have that here. Yeah, we

53:10

don't have the hair in this this person. What's

53:12

your name, sir? My

53:15

name no. Well, yeah your name

53:17

too. Why not? Can I

53:19

say my name's ready one second sir? Oh, Freddie

53:21

Hey, Freddie. Nice to meet you. Yes.

53:23

Well this guy I don't need his

53:25

name this guy is there for us.

53:28

Sorry, sir. Give me one second He's

53:30

asking us for a full grocery cart

53:32

full now Well,

53:34

that's plum crazy. That's insane.

53:36

Well, that's unless you that's unless you

53:38

ship over a jar of pickled

53:41

pigs feet Could you

53:43

express would you be willing to express a jar

53:45

of pickles pig feet for this customer? We

53:48

could put that on dry so we cut

53:50

to the people in that Ralph's in Conway

53:53

So we got some old boys there in Cali.

53:55

They say we got to get them a jar

53:58

of pickle pickled pigs

54:01

feet out there by

54:04

tomorrow. Well that pickled pigs,

54:06

ladies, they've been flying off the shelf.

54:09

I know, especially for the holidays. And that's

54:12

gonna be expensive to overnight it. That's right,

54:14

that's gonna come out of our playchairs. It's

54:16

gonna cost about three times the cost of

54:18

a jar of that pickled pigs feet stuff.

54:20

Well, that's why it's gonna make it. We're

54:22

losing money on this transaction. I

54:24

was gonna make it a challenge of sorts. Oh,

54:27

smoky in the bandit style. If

54:29

any of you can get a

54:31

jar of pickled pigs feet to

54:35

Los Angeles, California. Whoa, Hollywood

54:37

where the stars are. Wow,

54:39

don't look at me. Tomorrow,

54:42

I'll give you a case of

54:45

Coors beer. Wow. Oh

54:47

my goodness, I will take you up on that.

54:50

I would love a case of Coors beer to

54:52

go with the 10 I have at home. Oh

54:54

my goodness. And we

54:57

see all these rednecks go

54:59

jump out and see their

55:01

pickups. Wow, woo hoo. Wow,

55:04

wow, wow, wow. They're

55:08

separate, we cut to a map of the

55:10

United States. We see they're all taking different

55:12

routes to try to get there in time

55:14

with their own strategies. We see that they're

55:16

stopping and looking at tourist things along the

55:19

way. Like, wow, the biggest ball of yarn.

55:21

Oh wow. Oh,

55:23

the biggest ball of bubble gum. Wow,

55:27

the biggest eight ball of from

55:30

pool, wow. The

55:32

guy is the biggest ball. Oh, the

55:34

biggest ball of yarn. Oh, up behind.

55:40

You better get your poster. We

55:43

cut to

55:45

a cracker barrel restaurant along

55:47

the highway where they all pull into the

55:49

same one. Well, look at

55:52

here. Are you trying

55:54

to get that tour? Oh

55:56

man, looks like we met in the middle.

55:59

I guess we did. Hey, did you guys see that

56:01

big old bally yarn? Yep. That

56:04

was amazing. I

56:07

cried from being honest. I

56:10

was touched by it too, just because not

56:12

only was it big, it was like all

56:14

the effort that went into collection all that

56:16

yarn over the years. It really struck me.

56:18

It's really fascinating. And the fact that the

56:21

whole town tipped in to do it together

56:23

is just like small town. It's really beautiful.

56:25

It's so interesting. I've never seen any other

56:27

communities before. I've never traveled this

56:29

far away from home. How is

56:31

that speaking which I think about not

56:34

returning? What? I

56:36

think I might go live in that town where that

56:39

big bally yarn is. No. You

56:42

gotta go back to Conway. You're the mayor of

56:44

Conway. But

56:46

I also think you've paid my money

56:48

for it. And the manager of the house. Yeah,

56:51

and the manager. Well, you can't do that. We

56:56

cut to a couple of years later. He's

56:59

working at that. Stop

57:01

for the... He's

57:03

explaining to some tourists. Well,

57:06

yeah, we... About 200

57:09

yards of yarn have been added in

57:11

the last year and a half.

57:14

Oh, wow. Yeah, the

57:16

high school sewing

57:19

team donated a lot of that yarn.

57:22

So it's growing. We

57:24

wanted to come to America

57:26

just to see this. It's

57:30

something that we

57:32

just think it is so

57:34

good that you don't care

57:36

so much about the yarn.

57:39

It's pure. It's

57:42

so pure. Yeah, it's just like...

57:44

Don't touch it now. You

57:46

can take pictures, but you can't touch the yarn.

57:49

It's cool. Yeah, the oil

57:51

from skin will deteriorate the

57:53

yarn and makes the ball yarn

57:56

smaller. You understand? I see it. It's

57:59

very nice. nice that you

58:01

do this together. It is

58:03

here. It's sitting here.

58:07

And he's telling his family later. And it

58:09

was I don't know where they're from. But

58:11

it's just when I hear stories like that.

58:14

I just don't I never

58:16

regret leaving my former

58:18

family behind and moving here. I just want

58:20

to tell you that I love you guys.

58:23

I love you too, Daddy. I'm

58:25

so happy to be here too, Daddy.

58:27

Thanks, Dad. Thank

58:30

you, Dad. We love you, Dad. I

58:33

miss mama, but I love you, Daddy. We

58:35

love you, Dad. You're the best. You

58:59

want word suggestion from Discord?

59:02

humans. I like being inspired by your

59:04

words. That's why I'm going to keep

59:07

going back. Because there's so many of

59:09

them. Unflappable is a word.

59:14

Stretch Armstrong. It's

59:17

another word. Cabin. I

59:22

never had a stretch Armstrong. But I remember

59:24

when those were the thing. That's

59:28

like a really old toy, isn't it? I

59:31

feel like I remember in the 90s, they were trying to bring it back.

59:35

You can just stretch his arms. Yeah,

59:38

much. Did

59:40

they make a movie out of that, though? I think they did. Apparently,

59:46

because of the Barbie movie, there's a

59:49

bunch of toys. Yes. Scripps out there.

59:51

And that's just so like a hot

59:53

wheels film everything. There's a Polly Pocket

59:56

movie. I feel like I heard

1:00:00

Watch him call it, uh, the

1:00:03

fuck Rubik's Cube. I

1:00:06

was like, what the fuck? Like

1:00:09

at least the things you just said

1:00:11

are characters. Like what's Rubik's Cube? I

1:00:16

mean, it's going to be like some Egyptian

1:00:19

puzzle or something. You have to figure out

1:00:22

that's magic. Like Jumanji

1:00:24

kind of. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

1:00:28

Um, cut to a, uh,

1:00:30

a pitch meeting. Thank

1:00:33

you guys so much for, uh, seeing me.

1:00:35

I'm really excited about this idea. Um,

1:00:40

okay. So we all

1:00:43

know that little

1:00:46

sticky little hand that

1:00:48

you've wap up against the wall

1:00:51

and then it kind of peels off really slow and shoots back

1:00:53

to you. Well,

1:00:55

yeah. Yeah. Sticky hands with a Z.

1:00:57

Sticky hands. Yeah. Okay. So we're

1:01:00

talking about sticky hands, the

1:01:02

movie, and I'm not just, before you

1:01:04

say anything, I'm not even talking about

1:01:07

just the movie. I'm talking about like

1:01:09

the sticky hands cinematic universe. So

1:01:12

you don't want, you want this to be a

1:01:15

series of different stories, a different sticky hands that

1:01:17

eventually. Yeah. There's going to be, I'm already picturing

1:01:19

a trilogy, three movies. There's going to be some

1:01:21

small characters that we branch off and have their

1:01:23

own kind of thing. You know what I mean?

1:01:25

They get a couple of movies. They get a

1:01:27

couple movies. Can they be a

1:01:29

bad guy or you just want to stick to

1:01:32

sticky hands? I

1:01:34

mean, maybe slinky is in a post credit

1:01:36

scene or something, but I just don't see,

1:01:38

you know, Slinky is kind of different world.

1:01:40

You know what I mean? I'm talking about,

1:01:43

there's the sticky, there's sticky hands, right?

1:01:45

Sticks up against the wall and slaps

1:01:47

back to your hand. There's the little

1:01:49

sticky part. Right. Right. I don't want

1:01:51

to be an asshole about my idea,

1:01:54

but Slinky's, they, they walk downstairs. Yeah.

1:01:57

Okay. So develop your own.

1:02:00

Build on that find somebody

1:02:02

who bought spot stairs build

1:02:04

on that yeah built Stairs

1:02:08

walk higher stairs an entire

1:02:10

pyramid is slinky Yeah,

1:02:12

we can connect that to raw we

1:02:14

can connect that to the dot raw

1:02:16

somehow made right raw This is really

1:02:19

working out this whole web Knowledge is

1:02:21

what I hate about life Creative you

1:02:24

get into the room with these executives and they

1:02:26

got to stick their little fingers in it don't

1:02:28

they they just got to get Their ideas and

1:02:30

this is me off. Who are

1:02:32

you talking to? You

1:02:36

would give me a moment, okay,

1:02:38

okay Like

1:02:46

a writer's bar later that nice

1:02:48

stall fucking writers God

1:02:51

tell me man you fucking say just

1:02:53

you give them gold and they just

1:02:55

want to pour fucking Shit

1:02:57

on it so now I got to

1:03:00

do a rewrite of this entire movie

1:03:02

that incorporates his girlfriend is his love

1:03:04

interest is slinky Now what

1:03:06

oh I didn't even have a perfect,

1:03:08

but that's what I'm saying And I

1:03:10

don't really think he's bullshit And

1:03:12

they they have this idea that like a movie like

1:03:14

it's like they read save the cat once or something

1:03:16

like it has to Have a love interest in it

1:03:20

all the heart is bullshit kids kids

1:03:22

adults young people They just want to

1:03:24

see a sticky hand Go

1:03:26

up against something really hard heal off

1:03:28

slow dick Your

1:03:31

hand I want to make sure we have some of

1:03:33

that in there Yeah, yeah, I loved your

1:03:35

first draft when it was just 60 minutes

1:03:37

of it peeling off. Yeah that

1:03:41

Was grounded And

1:03:44

then the third act was like you know

1:03:46

going am I gonna get thrown up against

1:03:48

the wall again? Is that all I'm useful

1:03:51

for am I actually we cut to cut

1:03:53

to things up first? Reading

1:03:55

of the movie and the

1:03:58

starlet that's reading

1:04:01

the role of Slinky right

1:04:03

when they finish. Oh

1:04:06

my God. That

1:04:09

was great. Can I say

1:04:11

something? I know I'm just an actor,

1:04:13

but can I say something? No, and

1:04:15

Miss Portman, it's just so, I'm

1:04:18

so glad you signed on to do this. I'm

1:04:20

such a big fan of yours. Can I say

1:04:22

one thing that I think would just take it

1:04:24

to the next level, the entire movie, and just

1:04:27

make it grounded for everyone? Sure.

1:04:30

I think when I read it, it feels

1:04:34

like the real story's about Slinky

1:04:36

and not the sticky hands. Is

1:04:39

anyone else getting that? No, I felt

1:04:41

that too. Oh, I felt it, yeah.

1:04:43

No, no, no. My one note.

1:04:45

You get in a room with these

1:04:47

Hollywood people and they just don't know

1:04:50

what they're talking about. I just feel

1:04:52

like. I'm the writer. I'm the one,

1:04:54

the idea comes from me. We

1:04:56

just, yeah. Excuse me,

1:04:58

I was giving you my note. Oh,

1:05:01

okay. Then maybe there should be a little

1:05:03

more Slinky in the script, it'd be

1:05:06

about Slinky. And

1:05:08

that's it. Let me see what I

1:05:10

can work up. We

1:05:13

cut to the taperry after they've added Slime

1:05:16

in the Pale. And

1:05:18

the actors just play the Slime in

1:05:20

the Pale. Just had a couple things to say. Wow,

1:05:22

guys. Holy moly. Wow.

1:05:26

Wow, you know, when I was. Such a

1:05:28

big fan of yours, Mr. Gosling. Thank

1:05:31

you so much. Thank you so much. And

1:05:34

I'm happy to be an EP on this film now.

1:05:37

Oh, that's the first time hearing of it. Oh,

1:05:39

okay. Yeah, that was my first.

1:05:42

Interesting. But I just love the

1:05:44

connection between Slinky and Slime in

1:05:46

the Pale and how he really

1:05:49

helped push her up

1:05:51

the stairs. Well, it took a lot of

1:05:53

writing to do, but it really was a

1:05:55

bad, I really think that relationship between Slinky

1:05:57

and Slime in the Pale is really about.

1:05:59

Yeah. You know Supporting

1:06:01

people through trauma. Yeah.

1:06:03

Yeah, and I was just thinking, you

1:06:06

know I love everything about sticky hands,

1:06:08

but maybe we just take out sticky

1:06:10

hands. Yeah and Just

1:06:13

put in those little animal like monkey

1:06:15

things that connect to each other that

1:06:18

toy Yeah, he's in a bear monkey's

1:06:20

in a barrel. Yeah, I'm keeping my

1:06:22

barrel. I think because yeah I just

1:06:24

feel they have more emotion to

1:06:27

give okay Well, the name of the film is

1:06:29

sticky hands the movie Yeah,

1:06:31

yeah, I think we keep the name. I

1:06:33

think we keep the name. I love them.

1:06:35

Oh, I okay, but no, okay So it's

1:06:37

kind of yeah. Okay. Um, cuz

1:06:40

you do get sticky hands when she's played

1:06:43

With slime in a slinky. Yeah, so I

1:06:45

get how that could be the title It

1:06:48

might be better just cause slime in the

1:06:50

slinky though that kind of that is a

1:06:52

great name. I love that name Yeah,

1:06:58

good. Bye, man. The slinky

1:07:02

Okay. Yeah, let me um, I

1:07:04

love being part of the creative process He's

1:07:08

on my laptop are actually getting bored

1:07:10

out from all these free

1:07:12

rights, but yeah, okay Human

1:07:26

to unlock the bonus scene you must

1:07:28

subscribe to the ad free version of

1:07:30

the show Exclusively

1:07:32

available at temper off for humans

1:07:35

calm And humans

1:07:37

you are human you're not ghost. I hope

1:07:39

you have enjoyed the show as much as

1:07:41

I have My

1:07:43

head was hurting from laughing a couple

1:07:46

of those things humans if you Have

1:07:49

not been on improper humans. You should go

1:07:52

there and get a subscription because you can

1:07:54

hear the full episodes Full

1:07:56

episodes ad free Get

1:07:59

on the professor best faster feed Which

1:08:02

is the education feed of our

1:08:04

improper humans Platform

1:08:07

and the best taste in the universe feed we

1:08:10

got some video stuff on here

1:08:13

Brett that's worst price of admission

1:08:15

in my opinion But

1:08:17

I want to give these guys a chance

1:08:19

to say where they can be found on

1:08:21

social media so people can Compliment

1:08:23

them and find out what they're doing so

1:08:26

echo. Are you on any

1:08:28

social media? You'd like to plug here

1:08:31

sure yeah? I'm on Instagram at

1:08:33

go tell take you out s

1:08:35

and then on Twitter, which I'm

1:08:37

not calling act Act

1:08:40

okay, okay There you

1:08:42

go a little mookie be a little

1:08:44

mookie be la lmo okay? I

1:08:47

e be on all platforms tick-tock

1:08:49

Instagram and Formerly

1:08:51

known as Twitter com yeah,

1:08:54

yeah, yeah Keep

1:08:56

being human Improv

1:08:58

for humans is produced by Matt

1:09:00

Vess and Brett Morris She's

1:09:03

made with you wherever you get your

1:09:05

podcast for every archive

1:09:07

bonus scenes from the new episodes

1:09:10

exclusive discord access You

1:09:13

deep dive podcasts into the craft

1:09:15

of improve plus music and sci-fi

1:09:17

bonus shows and premium limited series

1:09:20

Go to improve for humans dot-com and sign

1:09:23

up for the role of for plan Only

1:09:25

four dollars a month or forty

1:09:27

dollars a year by subscribing You

1:09:30

are giving us the ability to pay

1:09:32

our brilliant guests and giving

1:09:34

us all the platform for more interaction

1:09:37

And lots more comedy