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well as what I believe. probably

4:00

three days just in the same place just

4:02

watching okay wait we don't

4:04

want to disturb it Mike posted a

4:07

praying mantis on our stoop

4:10

and then the someone was like that's pregnant and

4:13

then we were watching with

4:15

that tone yeah that was about

4:18

that's pregnant and we were watching

4:20

it for days and

4:22

then it's I think it's been slowly dying and

4:24

I think they were wrong or maybe

4:26

well well we just

4:29

learned is that after the eggs

4:32

hatched they basically died oh maybe

4:34

it laid eggs tomorrow and then it was cuz

4:36

it was laying around dying for like a couple

4:38

days where standing out there with my daughter and

4:40

she keeps being like he's tired I think

4:42

it's even worse it's like you late if you

4:45

uh if you're if

4:54

you know you're gonna die after the eggs hatch and you

4:56

have them I wouldn't spend my last

4:58

days than looking at my egg

5:00

I was like I don't know go live

5:02

it up or something yeah go go somewhere

5:04

that's all you have the experience you're gonna

5:06

have with your kids are seeing them

5:09

hatch yeah but right honey that's

5:11

maybe sad I could go to

5:13

a night club let's go

5:16

to the praying mantis couple

5:20

okay I guess as

5:23

my mother told me that I'm

5:25

going to die as soon

5:27

as our eggs hatch so if you

5:29

just want to stay with me my

5:31

husband yeah

5:34

I don't know um I

5:36

actually had a couple things I was gonna

5:38

check out um so you want to get

5:41

us some supplies that'd be smart yeah

5:45

how much time do they say you have like

5:48

a couple hours days or

5:50

what are we working with here it

5:52

could go a week that we will

5:55

be together watching our children come on

5:57

the eggs okay and then I will

5:59

pass away and it will be your

6:01

responsibility. That's what you think. So

6:03

I was just, I don't

6:05

know, I just said like this

6:08

might, you might, you might not love this

6:11

but I had like a guys weekend

6:13

sort of plan for this weekend and I

6:15

kind of figured since you're about to be like done

6:18

anyway like I could go and like do my thing

6:20

with my guys. This weekend?

6:23

Yeah, just like, I mean if you're just gonna be laying here,

6:25

right? Oh

6:28

and watching the eggs. Right.

6:31

I hear it's a real

6:33

Zen experience. I wouldn't, if you're

6:35

gonna regret missing out on that,

6:38

you can have a guys weekend anytime

6:41

but the Zen experience of watching

6:43

eggs slowly mature and

6:45

then hatch in life. I

6:48

think it has more meaning for you than it

6:52

does for me. Just. Hey

6:55

bro, hope you don't mind. I lit myself up your

6:57

tree. Oh good, hey, how are you? Hey

6:59

man, I'm good. I'm just ready for this

7:01

guys weekend. Me too. Hey, how are you?

7:03

Hi. Oh hey, oh you're

7:05

still, oh okay. I'm not dead yet. I just

7:07

laid them. Happy to see it,

7:10

happy to see it. Hey look bro, I

7:12

got this great spot with these chicks with

7:14

these huge thoraxes. Oh

7:16

my god. Yeah, so like

7:18

you know, you're done over here man, just let me know

7:20

I'll meet you down at the bottom. Yeah.

7:23

Already hooking up with other tree mansions.

7:25

We're just looking, we're just looking at

7:27

them. We're not even gonna touch them.

7:30

We're just looking and paying, right?

7:33

Oh yeah, for sure. That's it, we're

7:35

just looking and paying. That's all we're

7:37

doing. Paying or praying? Paying,

7:39

we're paying mansions in this situation. Yeah.

7:42

I don't like this. I

7:45

feel like. Look, I

7:47

don't care what you like. You're on the

7:50

start. You

7:53

weren't saying that whatever

7:55

five weeks ago. Yeah, because right then

7:58

it was good. Look, I just. I

8:00

can't do this. Like I- Truth

8:02

is I don't even feel emotionally attached to you.

8:05

Like I want to like I want to disconnect

8:07

completely I thought I would I thought you'd be able to

8:09

die without me having to tell you that We

8:12

cut to the guys we can

8:16

They are indeed looking at some chicks with some

8:19

sweet threat Dorex!

8:21

Dorex! Dorex! Dorex! Dorex!

8:26

This is great. So did your wife

8:28

did you dude? Oh

8:30

no, man, it's taking forever And

8:33

she's like obsessed with watching the

8:35

eggs hatch and shit. It's like Let

8:38

it go dude. Yeah, my widow my

8:40

ex widow was like that too Dude

8:44

like they're not going anywhere like Staring.

8:47

I mean, I think sometimes they

8:49

don't know like what it's like that we get

8:51

to keep living Like I feel like they don't

8:54

really see how that's harder in some ways

8:56

You know what I'm saying? For sure for

8:58

sure. Are you gonna are you

9:00

gonna go back and raise the kids or what? I'm

9:02

not thinking I want to like did you do that?

9:05

Oh I mean

9:07

I see them every now and then like uh You

9:10

know, I'll take like a you know,

9:12

a leaf chunk their way or something like you

9:14

like a hey What's it? I don't know if

9:16

they'd know that I'm their father, but it's like

9:18

I'm watching over them like an angel, right? That's

9:20

a good approach. Hey man What

9:23

I got a message. I think your

9:25

wife's finally, you know Going

9:28

to the great. Oh, it's messenger

9:30

man. Yeah Like

9:35

to be called that I just happen

9:37

to be alright, I always have a mess you

9:40

do you always do All right.

9:42

Oh, so anyway, let me read this Honey,

9:44

it looks like it's overly Yeah,

9:47

here's a leaf. Yeah paying mantis.

9:50

Thank you Okay.

9:52

Yeah, it seems like she's about to be done

9:54

like her handwriting kind of scrawled off at the

9:56

end there Yeah,

9:58

she looked bad Oh that barely pay

10:01

for the message we still have to us on

10:03

the air Bnb right? Or yeah

10:05

for sure and I'm time awful days

10:07

like the even go up to the

10:09

of two o'clock check out that so

10:11

I'll her back when that runs out

10:13

because I feel like we already paid

10:15

that the you know. So anyway the

10:17

era, the big room. yeah no it

10:20

isn't your business messenger mantis so am

10:22

I know. I'm telling you honestly even

10:24

to go back and tell her that

10:26

or anything and he likes I deliver

10:28

messages but. This. Is just

10:30

me to I. And

10:32

we cut to. A. Few days

10:34

later and. Adidas

10:37

forgotten about his exploits supposedly

10:39

died and he walks by

10:41

that branch. See.

10:45

You. Came. Ah,

10:48

Yeah. Great.

10:50

Where you going? Oh no I just

10:52

thought you were. they had the masses

10:54

I got was that you were gone

10:56

so it almost doesn't is up. I

10:58

was just hungry and ah a cat

11:00

said something by a sly. Okay,

11:03

or I had sex. was

11:05

like fourteen other praying mantis

11:07

says. This.

11:11

Wow. Wow.

11:14

That's so you gotta say to me. Oh

11:21

is happening. Oh wow.

11:23

this happening. It's happening.

11:25

This is beautiful. Saw.

11:29

Our baby. To

11:32

say be ellipses. You want?

11:34

Say something? Man

11:40

down. On

11:44

you are entering an improvised com

11:47

the so restricted to similar third

11:49

movie Proof for Human with my

11:52

preference based on the suggestions and

11:54

other sources of inspiration from Guess

11:56

Who performed for you to provide

11:59

proof said. Today's episode features Kim

12:01

Monga. Lauren

12:03

Rani, welcome to Impa for

12:06

Humans with Matt Besser. That's

12:08

me! Oh

12:13

yeah, Brett. You like that, right? That

12:16

made you happy. I love this. It's

12:18

one of the dumbest songs that I love.

12:20

What makes it dumb? I haven't paid attention

12:23

to the lyrics. Oh, the lyrics are very

12:25

just like just

12:27

angry young man going like, you don't

12:29

know what I've been through like get

12:32

out of my face before I kick your ass. Nice.

12:35

Yeah, that's basically the

12:37

entire message of the song. I

12:39

saw this like deleted clip from

12:42

supposedly from um, Ace Ventura where

12:45

Jim Carrey's like on stage with

12:47

a hardcore, oh with Cannibal Corpse.

12:49

Yeah. Yeah, that's in the, or

12:51

there's at least some of that scene. Oh,

12:53

it was so insane. It was so insane. I like

12:56

felt sick watching it. He was like,

12:58

he was crazy. He was a real

13:00

fan. Oh,

13:02

legitimate fan of uh Death Metal, which I

13:04

didn't know. That makes sense. Yeah.

13:08

Oh, cool. What made you think

13:10

about it? It was like he was like the way

13:12

he was singing so hard. Like I was like, I

13:14

would throw up. Like it was just something about it.

13:16

It was like so like, I

13:18

was like, oh my god, I could not imagine

13:21

the energy coming up. Yeah.

13:23

Yeah, that's what I thought she meant. And

13:25

I've said this too many times. What I

13:28

once for real tried to sing the song

13:30

My War from

13:32

beginning to end as loud as Henry

13:34

Rahn sings it. And I thought I

13:37

was going to pass out. I

13:40

was like, I'm really going to try to sing it like this. Yeah. And

13:44

it was like a physical fucking

13:46

challenge. Yeah, it looks so intense.

13:49

Well, you know, all those guys take years

13:51

and years of voice lessons and how to

13:53

get that broke that way. So obviously you

13:57

know, what's funny is that the way the

13:59

vocal. Coaches do teach you

14:01

to do like death metal

14:03

bro like rally vocals. Are.

14:05

It actually extremely quiet. Oh

14:08

like the the really smooth

14:10

trained ones that are which

14:12

sounds counselor meters or just

14:14

cranked up on the volume.

14:16

Yeah, kind of the know

14:18

that we're really. On

14:22

are like sounds like they're

14:25

just screaming. Yeah, actually

14:27

pretty quiet smith the last and

14:29

last, some. Same.

14:35

Here say that. Tap

14:37

Madison. Oh

14:40

yeah. okay. Sure,

14:43

how are you doing some any. Time

14:47

You can call me big Stinker I

14:49

that kill. Scipio Writers Yeah,

14:51

I'm with you. If you want to

14:53

say I phone my band layer obviously

14:55

I'm I'm in Earth. I'm

14:57

in road to Roadkill killers also

15:00

and and pseudo ban and know

15:02

cardio. The

15:04

corpses for jesus budgies is a

15:06

spare would do these ah on

15:09

some he so obvious that far.

15:12

You. Are yeah but you know but I

15:14

stood out to be metal yeah for sure.

15:16

Ah anyway so far before we get started

15:18

I like to thank. You know I'd ask

15:20

the people i why do you wanna learn

15:23

how to sing and this only. I

15:25

am. Seal I

15:27

could set time. You think that really speaks? To

15:29

me in erm mind bank, where can

15:31

I hide or yellen. Side when he

15:33

had then side it's and i thought like

15:36

it be some me as india has specify

15:38

a south in this way. Now.

15:42

Interesting because he walked in here and and it's

15:44

honestly I thought you were Taylor Swift view of

15:46

Tell my for a slight her you look like

15:48

or like. Wow. Wow!

15:51

such yell since. i'm

15:54

just saying my son is the major son

15:56

dress is like is now and is at

15:59

the hands of the acoustic guitar strapped

16:01

around you give off that vibe. I truly

16:03

thought you walked to the wrong place. No,

16:05

I'm nothing like her actually. Oh, okay. Once

16:08

you get to know me, images

16:11

can be unlike

16:13

inside. Isn't that the color of the

16:15

phrase goes? Yeah. All right.

16:18

Well, that's what we're going to start. We usually start

16:20

with a little bit of a, just to get a

16:22

feel for your vibe and your thing. I get you

16:24

start off with a couple of improvised lyrics that you

16:26

provide while I help you work on

16:29

your growl. Okay. So what

16:31

you want to do is you actually don't want

16:33

to overextend your vocal. You actually want to kind

16:35

of get low with this. So can I get

16:37

a, like, so imagine you're getting like a, like

16:39

a growling dog. No,

16:43

no, no more like a growling dog. Okay.

16:46

That's more. Sure.

16:49

Let's work with that for right now. Okay.

16:52

Yeah. So now you take

16:54

the growling dog and

16:57

just say some lyrics or something that you think

16:59

like that, that's, that speaks to you and what

17:01

your vibe is. Yeah.

17:04

In my cardigan sweater going

17:08

on the freeway to my

17:10

boyfriend's house. Okay.

17:13

All right. I'm gonna stab you. Okay. Um,

17:16

so. Is that good or?

17:19

Well, well, you, you, you really kind of

17:21

lost the growl a little bit. Like the

17:23

growl wasn't really prominent, but

17:26

just also the lyrical content

17:28

was honestly exactly what

17:30

I thought it would have been before

17:33

you said you were going to blow

17:35

my mind with something like different and

17:37

darker cardigan sweater on my

17:39

way to my boyfriend's house is kind

17:41

of not, it's like not metal. You

17:43

know, it's not like. Okay. Well,

17:46

I didn't really show you my true like feelings.

17:48

I was kind of just, just

17:50

trying to get the growl, but I could do better. Yeah.

17:53

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

17:57

the real, this is metal. Okay.

18:01

Oh yeah, my vibe. So yeah, I'll just dig into my vibe. Alright,

18:04

go ahead. When we kissed on

18:07

the beach I knew you were

18:09

the one I would marry. Romeo,

18:13

I'm doing it. Okay.

18:15

How was that? Did you

18:17

feel like I got the growl or like? Well,

18:20

I'm gonna honest, the growl was better this

18:22

time. It was a more consistent tone for

18:24

sure. The lyrics I

18:26

think were more happy

18:28

than the ones previously. Like

18:30

really? Honestly, is

18:32

that a Taylor Swift song? You look so weird. It's like

18:34

I go into a trance. I don't know if you notice

18:36

my eyes rolled back. Like I don't even know what I

18:38

said. Oh, you don't even know what you

18:41

said. Yeah. Well, what

18:43

you said was you

18:45

something about you and your boyfriend now getting

18:47

married. And then at the end you said

18:49

Romeo and Juliet. Whoa. Which I feel like

18:51

is somebody else's song. I feel like when

18:53

I was trying to get with this one

18:56

chick she played this song and I was

18:58

like, yeah, okay. Because I was just, you

19:00

know, trying to nail her. But

19:03

and so I feel like I've heard

19:05

that lyric before. Okay. We

19:07

cut to right outside the

19:09

room in the reception area. I'm

19:12

telling you it's fucking Taylor

19:14

Swift. It's

19:16

fucking Taylor Swift. Are

19:18

you sure? No, there's no way that was

19:20

Taylor Swift. She keep me without a bodyguard or

19:23

anything. Yeah, like, yeah,

19:25

that can't be Taylor. I mean, it looks like Taylor Swift,

19:27

but maybe we just all think all white girls look the same.

19:30

Yeah, that's probably what it is.

19:32

She drove up in Honda Civic.

19:35

Yeah, Taylor Swift would never let her

19:37

white skin touch a Honda Civic seat.

19:40

We cut back inside. And

19:43

then I just have one more that I was like, I

19:46

want to just try to jump into because I feel

19:48

like I'm really getting the growl. Oh,

19:50

yeah. Yeah. Your growl is getting stronger and

19:52

stronger. True

19:56

love kiss is everything to

19:58

me if I don't. I have

20:00

true loves, kids, I have nothing,

20:02

but actually my self-esteem is too

20:04

good to care. What

20:08

do you think of that? Honestly?

20:13

Yeah. Yeah,

20:15

that actually self-esteem, too good to

20:17

care, like now we're getting a

20:19

little bit. Thank you. We cut

20:22

back outside. Oh, there's

20:24

a, I was just in the bathroom. Fucking

20:26

Travis Kelsey's taking a fucking

20:29

huge shit. How do

20:31

you know it's huge? What?

20:33

How do you know it's huge? You

20:36

couldn't hear this, it's huge. To be fair,

20:38

to be fair, it could be small and

20:40

gassy. I

20:42

want to see it. I just assumed

20:45

it was huge since he's huge. He

20:48

is. Well, we gotta go, yeah, let's go in

20:50

there. Is

20:55

somebody out there? Show

20:58

us your dog. He's still in the stall, he's still in the stall.

21:00

Show us your dump. What

21:02

the fuck are you just gonna ask? I've never seen

21:04

a football player's dump. All

21:07

right, I can tell right now you're a little man. Yeah,

21:10

I'll show you my dump. I'll show you the dump of a

21:12

real man. Hold on, let me put my pants up at least.

21:15

Well, he should wipe, too. We appreciate

21:17

this, we're huge fans, by the

21:19

way. I love your football. I

21:25

love the way you said that. All right. Come

21:27

on in there for People Magazine. I did not

21:29

see that. I didn't see that. Really?

21:32

Yes, so clearly people are

21:34

choosing that. Look at you, man, you have

21:36

confidence. Look at this huge, huge impressive dump.

21:38

And your girlfriend's in there

21:40

slaying the song

21:42

that she's growling. Oh, yeah, you

21:45

date Taylor Swift, too, but dude,

21:47

this dump, man. No, man, tell about

21:49

the dump. We gotta post this on

21:51

IG. Oh,

21:54

oh, oh, watch this.

21:57

All right, well, take a picture, take a

21:59

picture. All right. Okay, sure. All

22:02

right. Now watch this. It's gonna take at least

22:04

three flushes to get it all down. Whoa What

22:08

it's going back up Still

22:10

there. Huh? The fire's gonna wait a little

22:12

bit Like

22:15

the water stop Your

22:21

chemistry with my homes I Could

22:26

work the fire in three and then

22:28

we see the video on Instagram

22:30

and now it's Taylor and

22:33

Travis watch it in the back of a

22:36

stretch Honda Civic My

22:40

god, I love how big your dumps are Taylor

22:48

get up off me baby. We're in the back

22:50

of the stretch so hot Put

22:53

up the take it around the block Yeah

22:57

Destination just around the block put up

22:59

that Sun visor between us and the

23:01

driver again Like

23:04

aluminum foil thing. Yeah Okay,

23:07

here we go. Is that partition up? There you

23:09

go. Oh my god. I just want to watch

23:11

that video again and again and again Okay.

23:14

Well, you know I play this video again. You

23:16

know what you have to do what? Uh growl

23:22

growl for daddy. Okay, I'll just one

23:24

time Let's

23:32

talk some more about that. So

23:35

since we're on the subject of football if

23:37

you don't mind My

23:41

the I'm a fan of my That's

23:45

how everybody thinks my team. Yeah,

23:47

my you're a fan of your Yeah,

23:50

the Arkansas Razorbacks. They're doing the

23:52

football team is doing very poorly

23:54

this year To

23:56

be fair. I do I do associate them

23:58

with you. I I don't know anything about

24:01

football really. So you're like the only person

24:03

I've ever heard talk about that. And so

24:05

I'm like, that's his team. I

24:07

just like do that. It was like, whoever mentions

24:09

whatever, that I'm like, that's what, that's,

24:11

he's associated with Stephanie Allen is the

24:13

Buffalo Bill. She's the Bill. Yeah. I,

24:16

I agree. Yeah. Right. I

24:18

do that too. So

24:20

they're doing horribly. So they're

24:22

doing horribly. Okay. And,

24:25

and as I say,

24:27

blow expectations. They've lost every

24:29

meaningful home game and this weekend

24:32

they got walloped and it was

24:34

like 21 zero in

24:36

the first quarter. You could see they'd given up.

24:39

So this clip, this

24:42

clip came out on social media

24:45

during, I'm pretty sure it happened

24:47

during the clip went out during

24:49

the game, which makes it extra

24:51

pathetic. But at halftime during this

24:53

game, this is what was caught

24:55

in the locker room of the

24:58

Razorbacks that Brett's about to show us.

25:00

Oh God. It's

25:03

nothing nasty. No. Can

25:08

you see that? Yeah. Oh

25:15

my God. They're watching the polar express.

25:22

Okay. That's enough. So

25:25

like they're just trying to like pump

25:27

up morale by watching a Christmas movie

25:30

or something. So

25:32

that pissed off the fans so

25:34

much because they were getting their ass

25:37

kicked. And this

25:39

clip goes out of during halftime,

25:41

they're watching the fucking polar

25:44

express. Yeah. That really feels like they

25:46

don't care. Like this, like you're

25:48

not getting pumped up for the next quarter.

25:52

How about listening to the game? Or

25:56

like talk to each other or

25:58

something like, or have. That's

26:00

so funny. Okay, so it ends up

26:02

this is the walk-on freshman locker room.

26:06

And I guess that should matter because

26:08

the head coat, the real coaches aren't in

26:10

that room and these guys aren't going to

26:13

play or something. I guess that's why that

26:15

matters. But it's not like they're at the dentist's office.

26:17

Like why'd they pick that movie? And that's so

26:19

weird. Right. Right. And

26:22

people during the game started going, this

26:25

is a bullshit. This must be an old

26:27

clip. And

26:30

then someone pointed out, Polar Express

26:32

is on TBS right now. This

26:38

is all happening right

26:40

now. And they're

26:42

just watching TV. Like it has commercials. And this is

26:45

the home locker room. The

26:50

home. I love it. It was like in a

26:52

way and that's how they just torture them. Like, all right,

26:54

so we're going to end their locker room. We're going to

26:56

put the TV on the Polar Express. Sure. They

26:59

had no control over it. And

27:06

then there was, I'm saying

27:08

like such an old man, but then after

27:10

the game, our team was also like kind

27:12

of on the field, like laughing, laughing

27:15

it up with people from Auburn Tigers who

27:17

just kicked our ass. And a lot of

27:19

people are like, what's

27:21

happening that you can get your ass

27:24

kicked and watch Polar Express and be

27:26

on the field afterwards and laugh at

27:28

them. What's happening? It

27:30

sounds so like they're just in

27:32

a positive world where like nothing

27:35

really matters. Yes, exactly. Well,

27:40

I spoke a few podcasts ago

27:42

about Dion Sanders' son is the

27:44

quarterback of Colorado and during a

27:47

halftime, he got on

27:49

Instagram and started promoting his fucking

27:51

diamond watch or something like that.

27:54

And they end up losing that game. Yeah.

27:57

It's like, what's happening at halftime?

28:00

Yeah, that's crazy. Oh, I

28:02

think especially in sports where I think

28:05

us as fans We

28:07

want we want people to exhibit

28:10

physically the way that we feel, you know

28:12

I'd be like so it's like they played

28:14

the game They should be just as upset

28:16

or mad as we are about whatever happened,

28:18

you know, so like the fact that you're

28:20

like Holding up jerseys

28:23

with the other team at the big game or like

28:25

yeah Like take it or like you just

28:27

see like they're kind of like having that conversation that that

28:29

you surmise to be like hey,

28:31

man Where y'all going tonight? You know, like what's

28:33

what's what's where's the where's the hot spot to

28:35

go tonight? You know after you've just lost But

28:39

it's also like they're like but

28:41

in their world, especially let's say even talk

28:43

about basketball It's written in the words like

28:45

man. We got 82 games in a season

28:48

I'm mad after we lose every game like

28:50

that's such a terrible way to be alive

28:52

Yeah, you have to sort of like figure it out in some way. I

28:55

thought yeah, that's true But you

28:57

had to take it to basketball for me to

28:59

agree with you. There's only 11

29:02

games in football But

29:05

college football There's only four home

29:07

games in Fayetteville and you got

29:09

people and everything I'm saying right

29:11

now has been Arkansas

29:14

nation on social media for the

29:16

last two days. Uh-huh that people

29:18

drive from all across Arkansas They

29:20

wait all year. They buy tickets

29:22

to go this one game And

29:25

then they find you they get their ass if it

29:27

was just like we're outmatched by Alabama and they're really

29:29

awesome No one gets that kind of

29:31

mad. But if it's like we

29:33

should have beat this team. It's a home team

29:35

We find out you're watching bull Yeah Sorry,

29:38

and then you're laughing it up on the

29:40

field after the air chicken College

29:43

also especially in college football. I think

29:45

it's it's like if you're not one of those

29:47

sort of like Six blue bloods

29:49

that you know get the benefit of the dollar

29:51

the time like you're not gonna be in the

29:54

plate You're not unless you're like something and oh

29:56

you're not gonna be in the playoffs the college

29:58

playoffs anyway So like once you're done you lose like

30:00

one or two games all those other teams are like

30:02

man whatever you like we're just trying to get the

30:04

six to get to a bowl game but after that

30:06

it doesn't really matter is much also what this game

30:09

was for us six to get to a ball game

30:11

and now we can't so that

30:13

was another alright guys it's halftime

30:15

excuse me let's all gather around

30:17

look we're getting our asses handed

30:19

to us out there okay so

30:22

the score is in the negatives

30:24

on our end we're really sucking it up

30:27

so I want everyone

30:30

to go in your lockers grab

30:32

your footy pajamas we're gonna just have

30:34

a little reset here everyone put

30:36

on your little pj's and we're

30:39

gonna cuddle up here for a

30:41

little bit on the couch we're gonna

30:43

we're gonna watch something you guys get

30:45

to pick today okay trying to humiliate us

30:47

and pajamas coach that what's happening no

30:50

I just want you know I want a little reset I'm

30:52

gonna need you guys just you know I want you to

30:54

lay down get a little cuddle pile I want you to

30:56

just have some old popcorn I got you got you gummy

30:58

bears I want to just you

31:00

know let's put on something let's put on a Santa

31:02

Claus 3 and let's just relax

31:05

you know the Tim Allen movie

31:07

yeah yeah I think Martin Schwartz

31:10

in this one okay

31:16

I'm not sure I'm not sure I saw a picture coach

31:18

does it it doesn't matter if

31:20

I haven't seen one or two will this okay

31:22

I'll catch you up really quick on one and

31:24

two actually what we have this time here so

31:26

in one what happens is that

31:28

there's this family I don't want to interrupt

31:31

you in a description of one but should we

31:33

be adjusting let me explain

31:35

what happens in one and then we'll get to your

31:37

question okay so in one this kid

31:40

he has this dad and basically the

31:42

kids like I believe in Santa but the

31:44

step-parent is kind of like you shouldn't believe

31:46

in Santa anymore I'm gonna cut

31:49

to the point which is basically that Santa falls

31:51

down and then the kids dad becomes Santa it's

31:53

part of the Santa Claus it's why the title

31:55

is what it is there's a clause in the

31:57

contract that if you find Santa when he's almost

31:59

dead you become Santa, okay? Are you

32:01

following my saying? Oh, yeah, and we're supposed

32:03

to believe like you, and you're the coach,

32:06

and that's how we're going to adjust for

32:08

the second half. Don't worry about the second half.

32:10

So then, so Santa Claus,

32:12

he, Tim Allen is Santa Claus, and by the way, he starts,

32:14

he's great in this role, and he starts to really

32:17

do great as Santa. Santa

32:19

Claus, too, more of a rom-com,

32:21

actually, because Santa has to find

32:24

love by Christmas Eve, where he

32:26

loses his power as Santa. So

32:28

the coach sees that he's starting

32:30

to lose the team because they hate rom-coms. You

32:32

guys know, but you don't know, you guys stop,

32:35

stop, stop. The other

32:37

the B story is that Santa clones himself,

32:39

and he has like a toy version of

32:41

himself on the North Pole who's crazy, okay?

32:43

So it's really fun. Yeah, it's really fun

32:46

and crazy when you go to the North

32:48

Pole. So on Earth, he's kind of wooing

32:50

the principal who we thought was a bitch,

32:52

but she's not. There's some good stuff happening

32:55

there. We got

32:57

to clone the attitude that we had at

32:59

the beginning of the season for the third

33:01

quarter. Yeah, I don't, can you just talk

33:03

for a second? Why do you want to

33:05

connect everything to football? It's like I'm trying

33:07

to get you into a certain mindset and

33:09

you're like going, how does this connect to

33:11

the game? There's only five

33:14

minutes left in halftime and we're gonna... Oh

33:16

no, we're not gonna be able to watch...

33:18

...disappointed. Oh my god, we should just jump to the middle of

33:20

Santa Claus 3 because if we start at the beginning, we're only gonna

33:22

get like the credit. I

33:24

know, I know, but we're only gonna get the credits

33:26

and stuff and then you'll have to go back out there and you won't

33:28

know what's going on. So why

33:31

don't we all pull up the wiki for Santa Claus 3 because

33:33

I haven't seen it yet? And

33:38

who needs a pillow? It's not a rhyme, Tom.

33:44

Oh yeah, this guy looks like an... I

33:47

looked in... this guy looks... somebody looks like an

33:49

ice person. Exactly, it's like a sort of... yeah, there's

33:52

some sort of villain it seems, so it's gonna

33:54

be a whole different vibe. Like the

33:56

other team, like the other team will be in

33:58

the third quarter. Whatever you need. to

34:00

tell yourself man I'm like let's

34:03

all suck our thumbs and

34:05

eat little lollipops. Watch

34:10

the movie get cozy. Humans

34:22

to unlock the bonus scene you must

34:24

subscribe to the ad free version of

34:26

the show exclusively

34:29

available at temperalfourhumans.com.

34:32

Humans what I'm trying to

34:34

get to is the

34:37

discord on improper

34:39

humans that has one word suggestions

34:42

and the last one I think

34:44

I remember diaper Lauren

34:47

anything? I change them every

34:49

day. What

34:52

can I say about a diaper though? Hmm.

34:58

I don't know if anyone has anything because I mean mine

35:00

are mostly just about different shit I've seen so it's

35:02

really not a good story. Yeah

35:15

I guess it was when you didn't have a diapers

35:17

when it becomes a story. I

35:22

remember when

35:25

I was young so I have

35:28

three sisters and two of my sisters are much

35:32

older than me right? And so

35:34

when I was young me and

35:36

my mom when we had me

35:39

and my mom and one of my sisters we had

35:41

moved from South Carolina to Virginia for

35:44

many years and then we came back to South

35:46

Carolina so when we came back my oldest sister

35:48

we were staying with her at her house and

35:51

my oldest sister had like at this

35:53

time had like four kids right? Her and

35:56

her husband at the time and

35:59

so it was so fun. because my

36:02

middle sister who had her

36:05

son and I'm trying

36:08

to keep this simple as possible and she

36:10

had her son he was maybe like two or

36:12

three or something like that and

36:14

so we were all staying in my

36:16

sister's house and I

36:19

remember being like I don't know like 12

36:21

13 and going like all right cool well

36:23

I guess I gotta go to bed because

36:25

I gotta go to school in the morning

36:27

it's like whatever time it is like 9

36:29

10 o'clock and I just remember being like

36:31

being in bed like in the room and

36:33

my my middle sister's like

36:35

two-year-old son just being able to like walk

36:37

around how could be roaming around so I'd

36:39

be like in the I'd be like in

36:42

this room probably sleeping on the floor because

36:44

it's like a bunch of us you know

36:46

and I remember like looking towards the door

36:48

and it would just be like this you know

36:51

like this horror film like of a shadow like

36:53

a child just like walking around like trying to

36:55

see if anybody was like he'd be in the

36:57

doorway but it makes me laugh it just be

36:59

him in a diaper nothing else just like walk

37:02

around in the diaper just like staring in the

37:04

room like I just like having just free

37:07

roam because he doesn't have to go to bed every

37:09

night you just like in the big

37:13

hill zip and then like you just see the shadows

37:15

kind of creep through the door like anybody in here

37:17

want to play no it's just like you

37:20

just hit this diaper sound just walking

37:22

around the house I

37:28

don't want to

37:31

be alarmist for you to

37:33

think I'm paranoid and crazy and it's

37:37

almost cute but your

37:41

baby again last night and you

37:43

said I was crazy yesterday

37:45

morning again last night try to kill

37:48

me okay I can't keep doing

37:50

this with you if you don't want to

37:52

date me you can just break up with me my son

37:55

is not trying to kill you he's two

38:00

That's something that's going on with you. I honestly

38:02

can't take this on like I you wouldn't what

38:04

did he do? What did he do that you think

38:06

he was trying to kill you? Okay

38:10

Why is a skillet in

38:12

the bedroom right now? He

38:14

can play with a skillet He can play with anything

38:16

he wants I have Gave him free

38:18

reign to open the cabinets and and I wanted

38:20

to explore real objects and he plays with skillets

38:23

I mean, what do you want for me? I

38:25

I want him to know, you know, he uses

38:27

the same tools that we use in our lives

38:29

He likes to imagine frying up eggs

38:31

and making hash browns and doing different

38:33

things in a skillet and that's how

38:35

does he know? to put ethanol in

38:38

a sock Like

38:40

where okay, why are you

38:42

letting him play with stuff in the cabinet? You see

38:44

I feel like this is I'm telling

38:46

you how to mother there Yeah You are and so

38:48

what he put he put like a sock over your

38:50

head face and tried to get you to pass out

38:52

or something Or what are you saying? You

38:55

said it and that was it. Yes Okay,

38:57

so this happened before has this happened with

39:00

other boy? I might have the way you

39:02

just said that you knew what happened He

39:06

might have seen me play Where

39:08

with ethanol in a sock with

39:10

a past boyfriend Like kind

39:12

of do a sort of game where one of us

39:15

passes out and then we wake up and you

39:17

know We've been putting a different part of

39:19

the house or something. It's kind of just like almost hide

39:21

and seek but for adults. It's just It's

39:23

like reverse hide and seek. I don't need to explain this to

39:25

you. Look If you don't

39:28

want to play you don't want to play just tell me I want

39:30

to play, you know It's a communicate use your words. I I'm

39:32

gonna play with toys in the middle

39:34

of the day and I think He's

39:37

cute. Okay, it's time to go to bed

39:39

day. It's when the When

39:42

the Sun goes down, I have to go

39:44

to work tomorrow. So I need to go to sleep so

39:47

either we go to sleep or you leave but

39:51

I'm going to sleep right now and I already put him in his

39:53

room and he's he should be fine for

39:55

the night So good night. I'm

39:57

not gonna entertain this right now I'm

40:02

sorry, I'm sleepy. I'm tired. I'm already

40:04

asleep We

40:21

see my

40:24

head darts up and darts around What

40:35

the fuck? Hello.

40:40

Ah! Lauren,

40:43

Lauren, wake up! Wake up! What? Oh my god! He

40:46

turned me on all night, there's nothing there. My

40:48

shift starts in five hours. He

40:50

was just here. I'm telling you, he may still

40:52

be in this room. He was just here. He

40:54

said hello in my ear. Oh my god, you're

40:56

so afraid of a little two-year-old. He's my

40:58

baby. That's my cutie pie. Do not do

41:01

this. He just

41:03

said hello in my ear in a real

41:06

freaky way and then disappeared when

41:08

I turned the lights off. Okay, I don't even believe

41:10

you at this point, but I'm still

41:13

half asleep. I'm practically dreaming right now. I'm

41:15

going back to sleep. Okay, maybe I was

41:17

dreaming because I had it on my mind.

41:19

That's probably what happened. Let's just look. Let's

41:21

just not do this. Okay.

41:31

Nobody likes a tattletale.

41:34

Who's there? Who's

41:37

there? I know you're here. I

41:39

know you're in this room. Where are you? You

41:43

understand me. Leave

41:45

me alone. Mommy

41:47

says I should be careful with knives. Oh!

41:53

He's got a knife! He's got a knife! Lauren! Oh

41:55

my god! I'm a light. He's got a knife. You

41:57

shouldn't have... What? He has a

41:59

knife? Where is he? Oh

42:02

my God. Come out. Billy. Billy.

42:04

Come out. Come out. Come

42:07

here. Yes, Mommy. Oh

42:09

my gosh. We woke you up. We

42:11

woke you up. I'm so sorry. I'm

42:14

so sorry. You should go back into your crib.

42:16

Okay. Okay. Mommy

42:19

is this mask is

42:21

soft. Puncturable even.

42:25

Probably. What kind of question is that?

42:27

Just answer it. He's got a great

42:29

vocabulary. I yeah, it's puncturable probably. Yeah. Okay.

42:34

No more puncturable than your mother.

42:36

Anyone else? Don't bring me

42:38

into this. He's just asking about your skin into

42:40

what good night. I'll see

42:42

you later. Okay. Good night, baby. Okay.

42:46

You know what? I don't think I can spend

42:49

the night. Okay. So

42:51

yeah, I don't want to seem rude. No,

42:53

you seem like a coward, but that's fine.

42:58

You know what? You don't need. You don't need to sleep here. Why

43:01

don't you pack up your stuff in your bag and hey

43:04

Billy, come here. I am.

43:06

Yes, mama. Can you just trip him on

43:08

the way out and then just stab him?

43:25

Your one word suggestion from

43:27

discord. She wants,

43:29

I'm going to give our guests three

43:31

words here from our one

43:34

word suggestion line. One

43:36

word is practiced. Another

43:40

word is breach. Another

43:45

word is budge. Breach.

43:49

Breached something. Or

43:54

budged it. Budged. Budge.

44:03

I like to think about I'm playing this and do

44:05

you guys play connections in your times game? I'm

44:08

very addicted to it. I don't there's

44:11

yeah, there's only one a day but then And

44:14

just those words just made me think of the connection

44:16

game. It's basically just like

44:19

16 words and then you're looking for groups of four but

44:22

they make the words kind of overlap So it's hard to

44:24

know what goes in what group so it's just like a

44:26

fun little Word game like it but

44:28

I did they have like a website where you can play all

44:30

the old ones because I started playing kind Of late so I

44:32

went back and I was I told myself I could

44:34

only do To a day of

44:36

the old ones so I was just trying to not

44:38

like burn through them But then last night I did like

44:41

30. I was just in bed in the dark just

44:43

like non-stop Yeah,

44:46

what are you doing? Nothing? Nothing? I think I

44:48

think Nothing,

44:50

I'm just yeah, I'm actually about to

44:52

put it away But

44:55

what away just my father I'm just

44:57

I look at my phone put

44:59

it away I'm almost are you playing that connections

45:01

again? No? Lauren

45:05

you can talk to me Your

45:08

husband you're the one that

45:10

said you want to limit yourself to two today. Oh, I

45:13

know I said that I've

45:15

been doing a lot more What

45:18

did you do tonight three or four? Oh times

45:22

ten Let

45:25

me look at that 30

45:27

connections, honey. I don't

45:29

feel so good. I Need

45:32

to go get help. We cut

45:35

to a rehab where it's all people

45:37

who have been off connections for

45:40

a few weeks Okay,

45:43

everybody We

45:46

got a new member to the group and Again

45:51

when she says her name, please don't try

45:53

to Relate it

45:55

to other people with that name or

45:57

rhyme with her name or anything Sorry

46:00

I'm late everyone. I

46:02

just, you know, this place, there's no labels anywhere in

46:04

this place so it's hard to figure out what room

46:06

is what. Yeah.

46:09

Yeah. All right.

46:11

My name is Lauren. I

46:16

was playing One Connection a Day just so

46:18

that they allow and then I managed

46:20

to get into the stash. Yeah, yeah.

46:23

That's where I started. One Connection a

46:25

Day. Me too. I remember that. Yeah,

46:27

I got into the stash and I

46:30

binged and I did probably like 30 to

46:32

40 connections and I'm actually getting really

46:34

close to the date where I started playing

46:36

Connections so I'll be overlapping on ones that I've

46:38

already done. There's more

46:41

Connections on the dark web. Yeah,

46:44

Connections that these teams of people who make

46:46

the Connections, they do draft Connections that they

46:48

don't release in New York Times. They put

46:51

them out on the dark web. But isn't

46:53

this like rehab where I'm supposed to like not know stuff

46:55

like that? Yeah, Jeremy, what are

46:57

you doing? I'm

46:59

just saying I had to get over stuff I

47:01

saw on the dark web

47:03

Connections. This is what I'm talking about.

47:06

Connections was supposed to be my

47:09

alternative. I was

47:11

a crossword addict for many, many years and

47:14

when I got off crossword, people told me

47:16

just like if somebody is a drug addict

47:18

and then they go to smoking, just

47:22

me, Connections was my

47:25

smoking, if you will. Yeah. And

47:28

then I started to overdo that even

47:30

way worse than ever crosswords. Next

47:34

thing I know, I'm in

47:37

a crack den with

47:40

paying for prostitutes. All the sit down,

47:42

watch them do crosswords with me. I'm

47:45

just paying people to do crosswords with me. Crossitudes

47:47

and crack are sold in the same place? Yeah,

47:51

I wasn't doing any of it. I was

47:53

just using all the people to do crosswords,

47:55

many crosswords at the same time as possible.

48:01

I hated myself. It sounds

48:03

amazing. How

48:05

did you think? But you're chasing such

48:07

a high that you'll never reach. Doing

48:10

Figuring Nine crosswords at one time,

48:12

like after you have that you

48:14

can't reach it again. It's

48:17

not the same feeling. I'm

48:19

sorry. I'm

48:22

sorry. I'm sorry. Lauren's out of

48:24

the rehab and at

48:28

a pickleball match

48:30

with her friends. Oh,

48:33

there she is. Hey. Oh,

48:35

Lauren, you look so good. Oh

48:37

my God. Yeah, I guess I got a

48:40

little sun. Yeah,

48:42

I hear you're off the connections for a

48:45

while now. Yeah, I don't even say it.

48:47

I don't even say it.

48:49

I am. I've spent four days

48:51

and I haven't done one. So I

48:55

did do a wordle. It didn't

48:57

feel like anything. Oh, really? I

49:00

hear you're not supposed to do any of

49:02

those kinds of puzzles. Yeah, I think I've

49:04

heard that too. Okay,

49:06

bitches. I'm just trying to be honest.

49:12

I'm just sharing. Somebody's getting a little

49:15

feisty, huh? Oh my God. Okay,

49:17

guys, stop. I just

49:19

was trying to be honest that I did do one wordle. Like

49:22

I said, it felt like nothing. I solved it in two. I

49:25

didn't even get a high off of it. It just was nothing.

49:27

So I think the rehab really did do something. Okay,

49:30

let's play. We cut to like

49:33

10 minutes in the match and her

49:35

team hasn't gotten one point because she's

49:37

just all over the place. Hey,

49:40

Lauren, maybe you got back into playing pickleball

49:42

a little quick and maybe need a couple

49:45

more weeks off the connections. Okay,

49:48

I think it is rude. And I

49:50

think I should just take – can I just

49:52

sit on the side for a second and just regroup

49:56

for a moment? Is that okay? Okay, I'll

49:58

just play – we'll just rally. Guys

50:00

Lauren wants to take a break. Yeah,

50:03

I mean just rally the three of us. Okay,

50:06

that sounds fine to me I'm

50:10

just gonna go on my phone and just

50:12

put on the Polar Express Regroup

50:17

get a little mentally reconnected And

50:21

soon she's from Polar Express that

50:23

makes her think of other things that makes her

50:25

think of connections Train

50:29

and trains. Well, it could be it could

50:31

be train car boat plane But

50:34

it could also be train like a

50:36

bride's train even hear her friends telling her

50:38

that the match is over and they have to

50:40

go home In

50:44

it All

50:46

right, I'm gonna get out of here then train

50:49

veil Corset shoes. That's my

50:51

wedding other pickleball matches going next

50:53

to her. Who's that? I don't

50:55

know Shoes could

50:57

actually be Words

51:01

that are like suit seems like just

51:03

a beautiful mind type going on over there

51:05

does I was thinking the same thing I

51:07

wish I could see what was in her

51:09

beautiful Mm and so but but booze cuz

51:11

I gotta go with tequila and beer and

51:13

all these other things I like just that

51:15

could go on forever and tequila

51:18

could just be one person did stay

51:20

behind and record all of her babblings

51:22

and Fed it and

51:25

got home and fed it into the computer

51:27

and an

51:30

algorithm started to develop that

51:32

connected to all things in

51:34

the universe I Think

51:37

I'm on to something. Thanks for coming over late night.

51:39

I just wanted you to see it. There was this

51:41

I Don't know.

51:44

There's this woman doing connections. Just We

51:47

were on a train and I thought I would kiss

51:49

you cuz I love you on the train But it

51:51

could have been a boat or a plane or a

51:53

car All of those

51:56

things go together When

51:58

we're married in the As

54:00

it is, like, because in their mind they can't understand,

54:02

like, how they actually look at them. You're right. What

54:07

do you think will go through your mind? What

54:10

choice of choice? Oh, god. Well, because smiling makes it

54:12

seem like you don't care and that seems really weird.

54:15

But, like, looking like it's the worst

54:17

thing that ever happened is also horrible because then that's

54:20

the worst mugshot you could, like, it's the worst mugshot

54:22

face. I

54:24

don't know. Ronnie, what would you do? I

54:27

think, I think I would just

54:29

try to make the face that I make in most photos,

54:31

which is just the most stoic, like,

54:33

no smile, just sort of, like, stare ahead.

54:37

Which only really stands out in photos

54:39

when everybody else seems to be, like,

54:41

smiling and enjoying what's going on. And

54:43

you're like, oh, nobody told me that

54:46

we weren't just, we all weren't just

54:48

existing in this photo. Why

54:52

do you like to, why do you like to not smile?

54:54

You don't do it. I don't know. I think, because

54:56

I honestly, because I feel like I

54:59

feel like I probably, I can smile if

55:01

I'm not thinking about it, like, when the

55:03

smile kind of just happens. But

55:05

it most times when you're taking a photo, I'm

55:08

conscious that I'm having the smile and I

55:10

just don't, I feel so weird

55:12

when I smile. Like, I feel like it's so, you

55:15

know what I mean? Like, I feel like it looks

55:17

the most unnatural. If you think about it, yeah. Let's

55:19

get by the Christmas tree, get everyone in the office.

55:23

No spouses, please. Just everyone who works in the office. Okay,

55:25

fine. I'll go sit in the car. No,

55:28

you don't have to do that. Just one

55:30

photo. No spouses. He said

55:32

no spouses. Sheila. Great.

55:34

Everyone. Ronnie, get in here.

55:37

Scoot in there. You're the tallest. You gotta

55:39

kind of get in the middle and the back.

55:41

Okay. All right. Everybody put on the Santa hat.

55:45

Okay. So you got a Santa hat. Put it

55:47

on. These are funny. There you go, Ronnie. Put

55:49

your hat on. They're so small.

55:51

Yeah, Ronnie, put it on. Yeah,

55:53

okay. Yeah, I'm putting on the hat. All

55:56

right. Great fun, Gail. Thanks. Yeah, dollar tree,

55:58

yeah. And you know, dollar tree. I just

56:00

have one complaint that not everything's a

56:02

dollar. Not everything is even close to

56:04

a dollar anymore over there. I mean, it's like, we're

56:06

talking 109 on the lowest end, but whatever, I mean,

56:08

you know, we'll get into

56:10

that after lunch. Okay,

56:12

well the office is paying for all of

56:15

that, so don't stress it. Now, everyone gather

56:17

around Ronnie, he's in the middle. Okay.

56:20

He's kind of like, there you go, Ronnie, you gotta

56:22

be in the middle though, cause you're the tallest. Yeah,

56:24

yeah, you keep saying it, I get it. Get right

56:26

in the middle there. But you like it in the

56:28

middle. Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm getting the middle. Very good.

56:31

I'm just, you know, I'm just taller than everybody. And I'm

56:33

very tall. Just get right in the middle, cause your

56:35

head is so much above everybody else's head. Okay.

56:38

There you go. Okay,

56:40

and everybody smile. Cheese.

56:45

Cheese. I didn't hear Ronnie say cheese. Cheese.

56:48

Do we wanna say cheese or

56:50

something that's on the snack table

56:52

right now? Let's say,

56:56

oh well. Look at the table, look at the table. We

56:58

did make those cute. That's peppermint. Somebody

57:01

say snowflake clusters. Those

57:03

are so delicious, Pam. That's

57:07

too big of a word to say. I

57:09

think it's okay, we'll get a smile going. I

57:11

just think it's too big of a word. Okay,

57:14

what are, those are so good. It's kind of

57:16

like a puppy chow with like a icing over

57:18

it. So good. We

57:21

don't have to say anything. We can just take the photo.

57:24

Somebody can just count down and we just. Why don't we

57:26

say. That's a good idea Ronnie. I'll just count down to

57:28

three. No, I think we should say, why don't we, I

57:30

still think we should say a word. I think we should

57:32

say Sprite. There's Sprite is on the counter on the table

57:35

there. Okay. And cigarettes

57:37

doing that. I'm gonna say

57:39

Coke. I don't know. Sprite. All

57:42

right, how about we, everybody just say whatever they

57:44

wanna say from the table. Well honestly, we should

57:46

say Pepsi if we're gonna say a soda because

57:48

that leads your mouth to a smile. Pepsi.

57:52

The other ones don't really do that. Coke.

57:57

I think Coke. right

58:00

go make it too much of

58:02

a blowjob mouth oh

58:05

yeah that's enough of that all

58:09

right everybody let's take these photos please and all right let's

58:11

just take them on the camera because they were taking photos

58:13

at the end of the night so Ronnie didn't he look

58:15

like he was gonna suck dick when he said coke I

58:24

mean if you could speak freely I mean the way

58:26

that you did it you did over pronounce the coke

58:28

in a way that did give you a dick

58:32

sucking mouth oh my gosh I'm reporting you HR

58:34

Ronnie come

58:36

on everybody Ronnie

58:39

making it sick okay

58:42

all right let's do

58:45

one two three everybody smile if you need

58:47

to say a word to smile then you

58:49

do that okay one

58:52

two three go

59:00

Ronnie I said smile you didn't say a

59:02

word or smile I did I said small

59:04

you said that the word smile he said

59:06

it like with his teeth like his mouth

59:08

was closed like a ventriloquist looks like

59:10

you mumbled it oh okay

59:13

I just didn't I I

59:15

didn't want to ruin the photo with my

59:18

awkward smile so I said the word smile

59:20

and then which gave me a more

59:22

natural facial look you're gonna ruin it

59:24

you have a beautiful smile show

59:27

us your smile yeah show us yeah I think

59:32

your smile is fine let's do it on the

59:35

camera yeah that was good you have to push

59:37

it so hard yeah just

59:39

don't try so hard because it's really more

59:42

natural when you don't throw it away okay

59:44

well you so you just took a look at

59:47

the smile that I just did that's just fine

59:49

to take another photo and then you gave me

59:51

copious notes it's

59:53

good to have in mind like you know thoughts of

59:55

how you want to do it so okay

59:58

yeah just throw it away make

1:00:00

it, you know, it's more like it's less

1:00:02

like this is the best day of your life

1:00:04

and more like you just got, you

1:00:07

just found five dollars. All right. So

1:00:09

the best day of my life I found five dollars. No, it's

1:00:11

not the best day of your life, you just, but you found

1:00:14

five dollars. So it's kind of like a little smile. Okay. Gotcha.

1:00:17

Like, oh. Yeah. Okay. If

1:00:20

you haven't got married, your baby born. Yeah. It's

1:00:22

just five dollars. Oh, wait. Five,

1:00:24

ten dollars. Gotcha. Okay. Let's

1:00:27

do it. Okay. Two,

1:00:30

three. Whoa. Five

1:00:32

dollars. Right. Five. I

1:00:35

needed this. Okay. Let me

1:00:38

look at that. Okay. Ronnie, you're moving

1:00:40

so much. It's like you're like

1:00:42

a blur in this picture. You were

1:00:45

jumping for joy finding your five dollars. Yeah. It's

1:00:48

like five dollars. It wasn't. Well,

1:00:50

I was trying to... Are

1:00:52

you getting paid enough here? No.

1:00:55

I'm an unpaid intern. Oh, five

1:00:57

dollars would be exciting then. It was. Like

1:01:00

to me, five dollars, that means that I can

1:01:02

actually get some fast food

1:01:04

tonight to eat. Oh, you can

1:01:06

take home some... Yeah. That would make our

1:01:08

picture look ridiculous. You should take home some snowflake clusters. Because

1:01:11

the five dollars wasn't real. Yeah.

1:01:14

I bet. It just... That's

1:01:16

how I reacted. Yeah, you're not getting five dollars. Okay.

1:01:20

But that was just how I reacted. Okay. I'm

1:01:22

sorry. Let's say you find a

1:01:26

snowflake cluster on the ground. I

1:01:30

found it on the ground. But it's fresh. It's

1:01:32

on a plate. Oh, okay. And

1:01:34

you're not here. So it's not like it just happened from

1:01:36

someone who was walking away. It's

1:01:40

that you're walking through a forest.

1:01:42

You're really hungry. And you just

1:01:44

found a snowflake cluster on a plate. And

1:01:46

it's one of the really good ones from Pam. Oh,

1:01:48

okay. Walked through the forest. I'm really hungry.

1:01:51

I'm fresh. No forest waste. Okay.

1:01:54

Okay, ready? Okay. One,

1:01:57

two, three. One, two, three. Finally,

1:02:00

snowflake custard! I've been walking through this

1:02:02

forest and I've been so hungry. I

1:02:04

needed this. Suddenly

1:02:07

this becomes real. Like

1:02:10

he is walking through a forest and

1:02:12

it's snowing and he

1:02:14

sees up ahead in a

1:02:16

small clearing a plate with a snowflake

1:02:18

cluster on it. Can

1:02:21

this be? Walking through all this snow?

1:02:23

I find a snowflake custard that can

1:02:25

nourish my body. Oh,

1:02:29

lion, witcher wardrobe wherever you

1:02:31

are. Please, please. We're

1:02:35

right here. Thank you. Flink! Got

1:02:37

your smile. That's

1:02:42

the best picture you've ever taken. Look at this. I'm

1:02:47

the witch by the way. Oh,

1:02:51

okay. Interesting. Yeah, look at that. You have like

1:02:53

a bunch of doorknobs and stuff on you. I

1:02:56

would have sworn you were the wardrobe. I'm the

1:02:58

wardrobe. I

1:03:00

just like doorknobs. Oh, all

1:03:03

right. Yeah, wow. Look

1:03:05

at your smile. Look at how natural

1:03:07

that is. That's me? He cuts out

1:03:09

of his reverie of the imagined place

1:03:11

he had to take and we're back

1:03:14

at the office party and the flash

1:03:16

is going off on the camera. Ronnie,

1:03:20

that was perfect. That was

1:03:22

amazing. That was a great

1:03:24

smile. That made all my doorknobs cling

1:03:26

together. I,

1:03:31

yeah, I, yeah, I

1:03:34

don't know. Like your prompt took me

1:03:36

to a place that, you

1:03:38

know, I guess helped me find a natural smile. I'm

1:03:40

one of the spouses, but I don't work here, but

1:03:42

I'd like to say that. It was a fine smile.

1:03:46

Just one to say. Oh, can I come out of the car

1:03:48

now? Sheila,

1:03:53

I was told not to be in the picture, so I

1:03:55

went to the bar. Well, you missed an amazing smile

1:03:57

by Ronnie. Oh, I'm sure I would have loved it.

1:04:01

It was great. I was told to fuck off. No

1:04:04

one said that. That

1:04:06

was the energy I received. Ronnie,

1:04:09

what's going on?

1:04:12

He looks sad. What

1:04:15

happened to his smile? I

1:04:19

just, I

1:04:21

don't know. I was taken to

1:04:24

a place where that smile, where

1:04:26

that smile came from. Now

1:04:28

that I'm back here, unpaid intern, wondering

1:04:31

where my next meal is coming from, I realize

1:04:38

that I won't ever be

1:04:40

able to find that smile again.

1:04:45

Okay. What the fuck? I

1:04:50

think he's having a mental breakdown. You mind if I take this

1:04:52

hat off? It's making me

1:04:54

feel goofy now. Sure, yeah, take it off. Sure,

1:04:58

you can take it off, buddy. You don't have

1:05:00

to wear that. All right, well. Why don't you

1:05:02

go? We cut to the... Oh,

1:05:04

sorry. We cut to the... I won't ever

1:05:07

be able to find that smile

1:05:09

again. Okay. What the fuck? I

1:05:13

think he's having a mental breakdown. You

1:05:16

mind if I take

1:05:18

this hat off? It's making me feel goofy now. Sure,

1:05:21

yeah, take it off. Sure,

1:05:25

you can take it off, buddy. You

1:05:28

don't have to wear that. All right, well. Why

1:05:31

don't you go? We cut to... Oh,

1:05:34

sorry. We cut to the subway

1:05:37

ride home all alone.

1:05:40

And it goes into a dark tunnel. And

1:05:47

he's thinking about that happy place that

1:05:50

he'd been at in his mind at

1:05:52

the party and how he

1:05:54

felt he'd never go back there. And

1:05:56

all of a sudden, the tunnel, he sees

1:05:58

trees. and

1:06:00

either side of them and they're

1:06:02

covered with snow and all sudden he realizes

1:06:04

that he's on the polar express Ho

1:06:07

ho ho You

1:06:11

made it to the North Pole Ronnie

1:06:14

oh Wow,

1:06:17

wait, are you the real Santa Claus

1:06:19

or are you the Santa Claus? I

1:06:21

am Scott Calvin. I Do

1:06:24

I do need to find a wife? So I'm

1:06:26

gonna hop the train back with you to wherever

1:06:28

you're from and see if there's is there any

1:06:30

eligible women and your work that I could fuck

1:06:36

Actually, I think you might hit

1:06:38

it off a Co-worker

1:06:41

of mine. Her name is Gail. She

1:06:43

loves Santa hats and I think she

1:06:45

might like your head Well,

1:06:47

mine's authentic. So I'm sure she

1:06:49

will Hey,

1:06:52

what do you want for Christmas young man?

1:06:56

What do I want for Christmas nobody's

1:06:58

ever asked well, I'm Santa

1:07:01

and I'll give you whatever you want And

1:07:06

we and we and we cut out of the

1:07:08

television that's watching this polar express and it's in

1:07:10

a locker room a football

1:07:12

place Anything

1:07:26

at all You

1:07:31

know what I wish for Santa hmm I

1:07:35

wish For

1:07:40

the motherfucking Arkansas Razorback

1:07:43

to go out there and play

1:07:45

their ass off in the second half and

1:07:47

give People what they want and

1:07:49

that's a win Out

1:07:51

there and win And

1:07:57

saying you want this has been an amazing

1:08:00

Amazing and impromptu, human. Thank

1:08:02

you, Lauren and Ronnie

1:08:04

for joining us on the Polar

1:08:06

Express. Thank you. I

1:08:08

had a laugh track at the end of that. I had

1:08:10

a laugh track by then. The

1:08:15

moral definitely was not funny. It was more

1:08:17

uplifting for sure. This is very serious

1:08:19

and real to many. It

1:08:24

inspired me. They're

1:08:27

going to play this podcast in the locker room next. They're

1:08:30

going to be like, are they listening to

1:08:32

improper humans at halftime? What the fuck is

1:08:34

that? I'm inspired now. I thought it was

1:08:36

on the Spotify playlist. humans,

1:08:44

where can we find Ronnie

1:08:47

to hear about what he's doing

1:08:49

and compliment him on how funny

1:08:51

he is? Oh, I appreciate that,

1:08:53

but no matter what he does that. The ones who

1:08:55

like my work don't speak up. Bones

1:09:01

Adrian on the platforms or

1:09:03

whatever. That's

1:09:06

where you can see what I'm doing and what's going

1:09:08

on. You

1:09:10

have a regular improv show? I do. That's a

1:09:13

good point. I perform at UCB

1:09:15

with the big team. The

1:09:20

big team every first Friday, I want to

1:09:22

say. Not just describing

1:09:24

them. I'm not just

1:09:26

describing them. That's the name of the team. A

1:09:28

lot of some improper human

1:09:32

past guests as well. Improv

1:09:34

for human families, as Matt likes to

1:09:36

call us. I

1:09:41

perform a bangerang too on every fourth.

1:09:44

I don't know. Look at the schedule. Look at the

1:09:46

UCB schedule. I'll be there. Lauren?

1:09:52

You can follow me on Instagram at Lauren lab

1:09:54

kids and I have podcasts called

1:09:56

freedom with Scott. I'm in Paul Tompkins and

1:09:58

then I have one with Nicole. called Newcomers

1:10:00

and our new season is coming out soon and

1:10:02

we're going to be watching all of Batman

1:10:05

for the first time. Really? You've

1:10:07

never seen any Batman? I had seen two. But

1:10:11

one when I was a kid and one more

1:10:13

recently, yeah. But... Wait,

1:10:16

when you say all of Batman... We're

1:10:19

watching 14 Batman movies

1:10:21

slash TV programs. So

1:10:24

we're kind of an education on what Batman

1:10:26

is all about. Are you going back to

1:10:28

the 60s? We are. That's

1:10:31

the first episode. Oh my god. Yeah.

1:10:33

Um, and... They're just Meredith as the penguin.

1:10:36

Yeah, there's a lot of good stuff and

1:10:38

it's really fun. So check that out. And then

1:10:40

otherwise live shows I post about them on Instagram.

1:10:42

So come to the show. There

1:10:45

you go, humans. They are

1:10:48

family to me. I don't have many

1:10:51

improvisers or different improvisers, Brett, because I

1:10:53

just have the best and that's what

1:10:55

I feel they are and that's why

1:10:57

I love to have them back and

1:10:59

appreciate them coming back because I truly

1:11:01

believe that. They are the best. We

1:11:04

are on our

1:11:06

own platform now, improvforhumans.com

1:11:09

to feature the best improv in the world.

1:11:11

And if you become a member, which

1:11:14

I hope you do during the holidays, if

1:11:16

you get a subscription, give

1:11:19

a subscription as a gift, right, Brett?

1:11:21

That's a nice idea. Yeah,

1:11:23

only $4 for a month. That's

1:11:27

a nice little gift for a friend and for

1:11:29

a true friend

1:11:31

or loved one, especially one who's

1:11:34

into improv, like really

1:11:36

into it with the subscription you get

1:11:38

into the Professor Baster feed where

1:11:41

we drill down an

1:11:43

ImprovForHuman scenes. I have a podcast

1:11:46

called Greatest Comedy of All Time.

1:11:49

Craig Rowan nominated Naked

1:11:51

Gun last episode. Gotta

1:11:53

love that movie. And

1:11:57

we have one called Baster's Attic. I'm

1:12:00

digitizing today. It kind of freaks

1:12:02

me out. When I look,

1:12:04

what this is running, Lauren, is I have

1:12:06

all these VHS tapes from the 90s. Oh

1:12:08

my God. Back in my Chicago days, and

1:12:10

I digitized them. I'm seeing stuff

1:12:12

I haven't seen. Oh my God, that's crazy. And

1:12:14

it is insane. How do you have so many

1:12:16

tapes? Because I just,

1:12:18

I'm a hoarder. But I mean, did the two people

1:12:21

film a lot of your shows? Or like, what was

1:12:23

it? I had one

1:12:25

of those cameras that had VHS

1:12:27

tape cartridges in it. Remember those

1:12:30

clunky ones? I

1:12:32

had one of those. And you would cut it up? So I

1:12:34

would tape all my shows. Wow, that's so cool. I

1:12:36

feel like there's no footage of me

1:12:38

in those early years, which probably is

1:12:41

good. Well,

1:12:43

I have mixed emotions. Like,

1:12:46

half of it I'm embarrassed. I'm like, oh my

1:12:48

God, I'm so immature of that joke I just

1:12:50

made. Yeah. But half of them

1:12:53

are like, good for you, young man-fessor. Yeah.

1:12:56

Doing that bit. That's cool. That's

1:12:59

fun. So that'll be investor's attic where

1:13:01

I play a lot of old UCB stuff,

1:13:03

old Matty B stuff. And

1:13:05

otherwise, keep being human.

1:14:00

you