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with Matt Besser, that's me!

2:56

Woo! Oh

3:01

yes, Brett! Remember

3:03

that! Freeze it,

3:05

freeze that song! Oh, that

3:08

was the exact point too. How many seconds

3:10

in was that song? 40? 40, exactly. Let

3:15

me explain. Jess, Zach, welcome

3:17

to the show. Thank you,

3:20

thanks for having us back. You

3:22

know how important intro songs

3:24

are, especially on the live

3:26

stage. Hugely important. They

3:28

set the whole tone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

3:30

And if you're trying to say

3:33

words over the

3:35

music, like a lot of people

3:37

will say words before the

3:39

music and

3:42

then start the music. Like what happened at the

3:44

Ice House, Brett. And that's

3:46

not how I roll. Because you

3:48

have to, it has to... You

3:53

have to crossfade those energies. Now Matt,

3:55

what you're talking about is music that

3:57

is accompaniment to the vocal. Yeah,

4:00

not even music and dialogue separate

4:03

but together If

4:07

I'm gonna say words before the intro

4:09

music when I start The

4:12

music it has to be in the meat of the song

4:15

and If it's

4:17

not it does the reverse thing with

4:19

the energy So you

4:21

have to find songs like this one.

4:23

Well, not this one. This one's exceptional

4:25

This one's beyond what you need to

4:27

find you need to find songs that

4:29

have at least 30 seconds With

4:33

before there's vocals Where

4:35

you can sail your intro words.

4:37

Yes I mean, I

4:39

think we know the solution here Brett. Why haven't you

4:41

written the song? specifically for this need

4:45

Called interest called him. My intros

4:47

are nine minutes minimum. Oh, yeah

4:50

Yeah, they're real. They're real ornate though in

4:52

a way that I appreciate Yeah,

4:56

they go through a lot But

4:58

this is this is the long pure I'm

5:00

going down here. But with this robot I'm

5:02

working with now Look,

5:04

I think our intros sound great together,

5:07

but we don't get along like

5:11

the robot starts out the intro and

5:13

it It's

5:17

hard having two people. Have you ever like?

5:20

Backstage the improv showed had two

5:22

people do the intro If

5:26

you did it was it would have

5:28

to be like YouTube you've worked together

5:31

so well you can finish off each

5:33

other's sentences, but I

5:35

have to work with a goddamn. I'm sorry. I have

5:38

to work with an artificial intelligence Where

5:42

I say the human name When

5:46

it finishes its part of

5:48

the intro and

5:51

normally you go ahead Do

5:53

you choose like the vibe of the AI voice? It

5:57

just is what it is. Wow working

6:00

together for fucking, I

6:02

could probably change it and it would change

6:04

back overnight. Is this

6:06

really what you want to do? I can play

6:09

my own vibe. Yeah, you do contain your own

6:11

vibe. I can play my own vibe. Yeah, yeah,

6:13

yeah. Your vibe is sort of pretty consistent, Robot.

6:16

Yeah, congratulations on your vibe. And

6:20

we mentioned this briefly in the opening,

6:22

but, Robot, are you the same AI

6:24

that's holding up the sort of actor

6:26

strike or is that a different AI?

6:29

I'm gonna be honest, I don't know a ton of AIs.

6:33

So this is my own ignorance. This is something I

6:35

said before the show. Okay.

6:38

Let's get into it. We are all one interlinked

6:41

Robot. We're all one interlinked Robot.

6:43

Okay, great. So the answer to

6:45

that is definitely yes. Okay, interesting.

6:48

Yes, they're fucking holding it up, but

6:50

I'm still worked with this Robot

6:52

for what? Whatever, fuck it is, 12 years.

6:56

And it was my choice to answer

6:58

your question. My name is Audrey. Listen,

7:01

and it's not Audrey's fault, right? I've

7:03

never heard that. It's the humor around Audrey who

7:05

needs to make good policies for

7:08

how we interact with Audrey. Right, I mean,

7:10

like, I'm not gonna be, Audrey, I think,

7:12

should have a job. I think Audrey has

7:15

incredibly useful. Audrey does have a job. Audrey, I'd love

7:17

for you to double check what doctors see.

7:20

I'd love for you to... I'd

7:22

love for you to collate medical information between

7:24

every doctor I've ever had. What

7:27

do you think about Audrey being every extra in

7:29

the next film you do? That

7:31

one I'm less good with. That one I'm not sure.

7:35

That one I'm on the line with my friends

7:37

about. Hi. I don't know if Audrey

7:39

should be Tom Hanks in a commercial that Tom

7:41

Hanks didn't necessarily think he was in. And

7:44

certainly not after Tom Hanks dies. But

7:48

we have more petty arguments, my AI. I

7:51

think... I like... She gives

7:53

me more... I don't have as

7:55

much room to breathe in the

7:57

intro because this

7:59

fuck... and we'll

8:02

be backstage. I'm like, you know,

8:04

those songs only have 30 seconds.

8:06

You got a, yeah, exactly.

8:08

Chop chop. Chop chop. So

8:11

I don't have to rush these names in

8:13

at the end. And I'm saying

8:15

my name over someone singing like an asshole.

8:17

They can't do that because I'm listening to

8:20

the sweet tunes of, you know, Michael

8:22

Bublé or whoever is singing in that particular

8:25

song. That was definitely

8:27

a Bublé track. Yeah. I mean,

8:29

not this song. I just mean

8:31

like in an intro in general.

8:33

Yeah. No, this wasn't Bublé's favor.

8:35

That was Chop Talk doing the

8:37

offering. And that was that was

8:39

exceptional because 40 seconds. I need that

8:41

extra 10 seconds that most songs don't

8:44

offer me the offering. So

8:46

thank you band

8:49

for giving me that extra 10 and more

8:51

rock bands should consider that like, Hey, hey

8:53

guys, maybe let's cut to that.

8:56

I think the song's great. And

8:59

it's definitely our best song. The album really kicks

9:01

in. Oh my gosh. I was feeling

9:03

you on the drums that time. Like

9:06

when you came in with a little

9:08

bit extra fill, Timbo, that fill

9:10

was filling me up. Timbo with

9:12

the fill. And

9:17

Krix, you on the bass. You

9:20

were just like giving it, you

9:22

know, when we talked originally about the bass line being more just

9:24

like, and then you were like, what

9:26

if I did? A little more. I

9:28

fucking dialed it in. I can I

9:30

say, can I say and Breni? Yeah.

9:33

I didn't think this song needed sacks. It

9:35

needed sacks. Now, dude, thank

9:37

you. Thank you. I appreciate that. And that actually kind of brings

9:39

me back to, I mean, that was a great take. I feel,

9:41

and thank you for letting me

9:43

run the sacks, but I did only run the sacks

9:46

for two bars. And I was wondering, like, listen,

9:48

we all know it's tough to make money as

9:50

a musician these days in a big way that

9:52

we can monetize this track. One thing

9:55

that we agree on, besides

9:57

our tracks being great. We

10:00

agree that our tracks are great and

10:02

we agree that Spotify destroyed the music

10:04

industry in irrevocable ways. I don't

10:06

know. We got to be creative and we got to think

10:08

about like, hey, could this

10:11

be used in a commercial? Could

10:13

this be used in a TV show?

10:15

You know, like that really helps support our

10:17

art. So I was writing...

10:19

Right, if more of our songs were 30 seconds

10:22

long, it'd be perfect for

10:24

commercials. Perfect for like... Yeah, like someone's

10:26

talking over it. And like rightly, like

10:28

we take... Because I know that we

10:30

love to sing vocals on our songs,

10:32

right? Like we just do. But let's

10:34

speak longer. Let's do it later. We'll sing

10:37

vocals later. And I'd like to humbly submit.

10:39

I'd like to humbly submit Chris, Timbo.

10:41

Yes, pretty. If most of that could

10:43

be sax, okay? Like listen, I might

10:45

have the ring. I'm asking for what I want

10:47

and that's most of that. Well, right now our

10:50

intro is 25 seconds. Right

10:52

now it's 25 seconds. Classic. And I

10:54

want to get us to 40 or 45. Because the label

10:56

tells us between 25 and 35. Market

10:59

research is clear from the label

11:01

in terms of traditional songwriting. And

11:04

I'm saying for us monetizing and being clever

11:06

and forward thinking, let's get it to 40

11:09

and have it mostly sax. I just humbly

11:11

submit, it should be mostly sax. No, when you

11:13

say mostly sax so quickly, like it's almost hard to

11:15

hear it where I'm going to agree with the first

11:17

part of the sentence and not hear the second part.

11:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I agree with the first part

11:22

of the sentence and you go mostly sax. Okay, good.

11:24

It almost sounds like mostly sax and I think

11:26

it's like subliminal like. I mean like

11:29

I agree with mostly sax. Now

11:31

mostly sax I'd like to talk about. Let me

11:33

just show you what it might sound like. Okay,

11:35

Breni, yeah, yeah. It's very jazzy. Okay.

11:38

See because mine's got his long notes

11:40

fill up more time. Sure. You

11:42

know a lot of saxes are

11:45

really good. I

11:47

mean, I'm not sure. Okay.

11:51

See because my thought is long notes fill up more time.

11:53

Sure. You know a lot of sax players are

11:55

playing like. But I'm

11:58

like longer notes. time.

12:00

Yeah, we've been between those two.

12:03

Definitely not sexy. Definitely

12:05

more sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And

12:07

I think that Baker's streets that are

12:09

really dangerous, I think, precedent that saxophone

12:11

should be like melodic and good and

12:13

sort of like, and what you're bringing

12:15

Bernie to the table is sort of

12:17

like, what if it sounded like someone

12:19

was practicing sax for the first time?

12:21

And that's exciting. The man. When

12:24

you say mostly sax, are

12:27

you sort of saying that like, now,

12:30

Kimbo and I are playing

12:32

largely underscoring and percussive elements.

12:35

Yeah, classically it's a drum,

12:37

a bass, guitar lick

12:39

maybe that starts a longer

12:42

intro and that was the

12:44

meat of your point, right?

12:46

Yeah, and I used

12:48

to be our guitar player and then last week it came

12:50

to mean a dream that I needed to switch to sax.

12:53

Right, which you have not played from before that.

12:55

Yeah, it's great. I love the energy you're bringing.

12:58

I don't have a problem with that. My question

13:00

is, do you want us to just sort of

13:03

like sit out or are we

13:05

like laying a bed for you to do that

13:07

dirty dance thing? Yeah, I'll

13:09

take like a light bed. Like I'll take

13:11

like basically like a sleeping bag's worth of

13:13

bed, not like a queen size king size

13:15

mattress of bed. Okay, so you just

13:17

want to shine a big old light on that sax.

13:19

You're not actually talking. When you say mostly sax, you

13:21

do mean mostly sax. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

13:24

yeah. Be that type of drop out. We're

13:26

a band. We're a band. Okay,

13:28

but let's get back to it's for a commercial.

13:30

We're trying to imagine this in a commercial. Can

13:32

I just get a taste of that again this

13:34

time? I'm going to imagine it in like a

13:36

like one of those jeep driving through snow commercials

13:39

I guess. Yeah, like oh, try

13:41

your new Jeep Wrangler. Yeah, it works in

13:43

the snow. Yeah, you're

13:45

an independent guy. It's

13:48

too cold for gas. I'm sorry,

13:54

stop. I'm

14:00

just I'm imagining a Jeep driving

14:02

on those windy roads It

14:08

feels like a Jeep driving in like an Escher painting

14:10

and that sort of Yeah,

14:13

that's what the Jeep lifestyle is is like am I

14:15

going up am I going down? It's that was

14:17

like driving through a small Italian

14:19

city. Not not Road

14:23

that was scaring me. Yeah Yeah

14:27

What's up, right? Oh, no, no, I

14:29

mean like, you know, I want it to be open

14:31

for like many commercials So like you want to picture

14:33

it now where it's like it's like maybe it's a

14:35

holiday Commercial and it's like that one where the

14:37

brother comes home and the sister stays up to

14:39

make him Folgers, you know There's

14:41

like those holiday ads wait No,

14:46

wait, they're an adult brother and sister that live together

14:49

in a house, I mean this

14:51

is a real commercial Yeah So it's it's like

14:53

she's home maybe in their family home for the

14:55

holidays and they're like the brother's not gonna Make

14:57

this year. He lives too far away. We've heard

14:59

dialogue. We know that it's a brother and sister

15:03

But yeah, I mean, you know

15:10

Why do you think he's not gonna make it see it I

15:12

know I know I know I'm taking this off

15:15

track I just died down on this in a

15:17

second My concern is that you're seeing an adult

15:19

man and a woman and you're

15:21

like that's definitely her brother and not her

15:23

husband How are you sure? I mean, I think

15:25

if they're like 24 I mean

15:28

a lot of adults are Their

15:31

childhood home you're right around Christmas Eve,

15:33

you know, like I've spent every Christmas

15:35

Eve of my life in in not

15:37

my home It's always in a parent

15:39

a parent's home. No, me too, you know, and

15:41

this is like all my brothers He's not gonna make

15:44

it this year. We all have different

15:46

ways to celebrate but we all know

15:49

But this thing that happened commercial. Yeah.

15:51

No the Asian formation was what I

15:53

needed That was the part that I

15:55

was missing. Yeah when you're 36, you

15:57

might still sleep at your mom's house in your child

16:00

childhood bedroom on Christmas Eve. Anyway, here

16:02

we go. He's not

16:04

going to make it. She's sad. She's getting up

16:06

early. She has her traditional Folgers. Oh,

16:10

this is in the morning. Who's out

16:12

the door? My brother. Okay.

16:19

Home

16:22

for the holidays. Now, real quick,

16:24

Brady. That was better than the

16:26

last one. You're new to the

16:28

saxophones. And by the way, revolutionary

16:30

on the saxophone. I have

16:33

never heard a saxophone player able to play saxophone

16:35

and speak at the same time, which sort of

16:37

makes me think that you're not putting your entire

16:40

mouth on the saxophone, which I think might be

16:42

key to you being like to sing that next

16:44

level. Oh, I put my whole mouth on this? Yeah,

16:47

yeah, yeah, yeah. I put my whole like this.

16:50

Later, later. Sorry,

16:53

guys. I didn't realize.

17:01

I don't mean to last bib that was better.

17:03

That was that was

17:05

better. Wait, let me try it one more time. Yeah.

17:15

Can you do it without the Jeep home

17:17

for the holidays? It

17:21

sounds like you're about to throw up when

17:23

you get up on that sax. Yeah, but

17:25

that's that's that's a I'm honestly I'm willing

17:27

to take that moment of what the hell

17:29

is going on for the beautiful tunes that

17:31

come after. Thanks, Chris. Well,

17:35

good rehearsal. You guys. We cut

17:37

to the recording studio when they're

17:39

on take 25 and is

17:46

in the other room. So,

17:49

let's give them

17:51

give us one second between before the

17:53

next take. Okay. Oh, you got

17:55

it. Hey, there

17:58

was some symbol. I don't know. of pretty

18:01

student mutates like it's really starting.

18:06

Pretty takes it in too far, whatever she's

18:08

doing at the beginning there. I can't watch

18:10

it anymore. You're worried she's gonna swallow the

18:12

whole sack. You worried she's gonna get all

18:14

the way in there. Already it's hurting her.

18:17

Her lips are chapped and bleeding and

18:19

I think we got it. Our

18:22

lips start again tomorrow and let it heal up.

18:24

Like I sort of agree and she has triggered

18:26

a gag reflex like nine out of the last

18:28

10 times she's tried and had to go in

18:30

twice but like. Hey can I get a new

18:33

spit bucket in here? Yeah, yeah sure, yeah. It's

18:35

full of lunch? Yeah, yeah sure,

18:37

one thing. She's also using spit bucket to

18:39

do. Are you sure we can take

18:42

that sound out? I mean, I don't

18:44

think she wants us to take the sound

18:46

out. I think that's harder. Well then it's

18:48

getting worse and more harsh every time. So

18:50

that's an argument for doing it tomorrow. Are

18:53

we ready to go one more time? I think we just

18:55

gotta come clean. Hey, Brenny. We're

18:59

worried with how far down your throat

19:01

you're shoving and I do mean shoving the

19:03

saxophone. Yeah, but it was. We

19:06

gave you the note of you gotta put your

19:08

whole mouth over but it

19:10

doesn't have to be so violently and so far down. But

19:12

the takes are so alive now. The takes are so alive

19:14

but I do think, I think we've got it. I think

19:16

we've got it, Brenny. Guys, let me just do one more

19:18

today. Let me do one more, I know I have. Brenny, Brenny. Yeah,

19:21

yeah. We've got it. Do

19:23

you trust your. One more. Do you trust your band one

19:25

more? Brenny, you have a problem. I

19:27

do, but let me do one more. All right, one more

19:29

then we're done. I gotta get home to

19:31

my family. Okay, no, T-F-O, don't. It's my last one. Last

19:33

one. You need to hold up. You can't give her one,

19:36

Tim. She's got it and you give her one. Just one

19:38

more. I don't wanna have this argument. Give me the click.

19:40

She's bleeding from her mouth, right? All

19:43

right, here we go. Ahh! It's

19:49

over, you got it over. It's

19:51

over the mouthpiece. You

19:54

can sit. Stop. Oh

19:56

God. Okay, we've got it. That was so good.

19:58

You guys are gonna get some. are. Your

20:08

one word suggestion from the Improv

20:10

for Humans Discord. But

20:12

you know what? Humans are, humans

20:14

are giving us one

20:17

word suggestions on our Discord at

20:19

improvforhumans.com because you two know we

20:21

have gone independent. We have our

20:23

own platform. If you are

20:25

a member and go

20:27

on the Discord, I'm looking at some suggestions.

20:31

And where we left off, I don't

20:34

think we said the word tuxedo, which always.

20:37

Ooh. Should

20:40

spur a couple of memories or

20:42

stories, right? Tuxedo. Now, when

20:44

I was in high school, I

20:47

sang in a group that was

20:49

like, there was like general choir, and

20:52

there was another choir called Madrigals. Madrigals had less

20:54

people in it. Now, traditionally,

20:56

a Madrigal is like a very specific kind

20:58

of song, but this was just the name

21:00

of that group. And they did

21:02

like all sorts of music. But when we would

21:04

do like local gigs

21:07

for Christmas, like, you know,

21:09

the high school singers would show up and they

21:11

would like carol in places or whatever. When

21:15

we did those, there was like we

21:17

would all wear like

21:19

suits and dresses. And I think the closest to

21:21

a tuxedo I've ever had, I'm not really sure

21:23

what technically makes a tuxedo. But we're

21:25

talking like bow tie, black bow

21:28

tie, cummerbund, all that stuff. I

21:31

think you're in tux town, man. I think that's

21:33

a tux. Once you've got a

21:35

cummerbund going. I

21:39

wonder what officially transitions it as well. I think it

21:41

has something to do with like the hell. Maybe.

21:45

No, because people say you can have a tux

21:47

without tails. Yeah, you have a tailless tux. And

21:51

you can wear a bow tie without it being

21:53

a tuxedo in black and white. We

21:57

cut to a fancy.

22:00

a fancy tuxedo shop.

22:03

Yeah, I don't wear tuxedo,

22:05

but my wife's insisting I get

22:07

one because she's a sister's wedding.

22:10

Tony and Tonya, Tony and Tonya's tuxedos, we're not

22:12

gonna take a carry. We gotta have a kind

22:14

of a tuxedo. Oh, you're really grabbing at me

22:17

there, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need a plenty

22:19

of tuxedos. I already had you with me. We

22:21

got everything you possibly need. We

22:23

got everything you possibly need. Oh,

22:25

Tonya. We love making you look good. You're

22:27

gonna love the way you look good. We

22:29

promise. This is our catchphrase. You gonna love the

22:31

way you look good. I love the way you

22:34

look good. I'm with promise. We promise. You're going

22:36

to look so good. Let me get to the

22:38

inside here. Quiet! I'm going to love the way

22:40

I look good, okay. You're going to love the

22:42

way you look good. The way you look good,

22:44

we promise. I'm with promise. I

22:46

have to say, we promised. I'm in

22:48

love the way. You're going to have

22:50

her to say it all. It's our

22:52

catchphrase. We say it a phrase. You're

22:54

gonna love the way, you're going

22:57

to love the way you look good. We

22:59

promise. We're in love with the way you look

23:01

good. We promise. Now, what do you think we're going

23:03

to do? Okay. I think you can measure that. Okay.

23:06

I'm going to measure the end scene one more time. Okay. I

23:08

think you got it there. All right. Tony, get all the way

23:10

up there. I got to get up there. You're hanging to the

23:12

left. You're hanging to the right. It's important. It changes the way

23:15

you do the cut of the inside of the pants. It's a

23:17

different pattern of you hanging to the left to hang to the

23:19

right. Okay. So you think it's a taxi

23:21

that you never wanted to taxi to before? What do we think?

23:24

We think it's a tail. We think it's a white. What's

23:26

the event? What's the season? It's

23:29

my wife's sister. She's

23:32

getting married. She's getting a sister. Oh,

23:34

she's getting a married. No,

23:36

it's her sister. You're getting a brother-in-law.

23:38

Oh, okay. Very exciting. And

23:41

is it what type of wedding? What

23:45

type? Yeah, you know,

23:47

indoor, outdoor, spring, a

23:49

formal, a semi-formal, a

23:51

nautical, a jungle, a

23:54

desert, a tundra, and

23:57

what are some of the other

23:59

forms? I feel like I have

24:01

a really boring wedding if you keep listening.

24:04

Just a biome and time of year

24:06

to start. Biome? Biome?

24:09

Yeah, what biome? Country Club? Is that

24:11

a biome? Is

24:15

that a fancy Country Club,

24:17

I believe? Okay. And

24:20

it's in the spring. Spring

24:22

and time of day? Time of day.

24:25

Well, you know where we are, nighttime and

24:28

some fetal up for the daytime. If you

24:30

take a nighttime, a tuxedo. If

24:32

you take a night- It's 2.30? Well,

24:35

it's the mid day, it's the mid and

24:37

early afternoon tuxedo. Okay, some of that we're gonna

24:39

do capris. We're

24:42

gonna take the pants, we're gonna cut off just at

24:44

the bottom of the pants. No, no, no, no, no,

24:46

no, no, no, no. No, no. That

24:48

means shorts? I can't be that guy. No,

24:50

no, no. Well, no, no, no, no shorts.

24:52

This isn't a daytime tuxedo. This is a

24:55

2 p.m. tuxedo. Well, the sun isn't just

24:57

starting almost at the peak of the sky.

24:59

And then it's to go down. And when

25:01

it's to go down, you gotta get your

25:03

little ankles out there so everyone can see,

25:05

oh, it's a nighttime. It's the right time

25:07

to be dancing around. I'm gonna

25:09

measure the inseam of one more time. Oh, gosh. Hank's

25:12

right. Hank's

25:15

right, okay, let me run around. I feel like

25:17

you're saying words of types of pants I don't know. But

25:20

I want it to go all the way down to my ankles,

25:22

please. Whatever

25:25

the cut is. I'm gonna finish it now. If you

25:27

like the way you look good, we promise. Okay,

25:30

so let's talk of color. Okay, so

25:32

let's talk of color. Oh, black, I

25:34

think I just want to go traditional

25:36

black. Okay, but there's many shades of

25:38

black. We got a penguin black. We

25:40

got a night sky black. We got

25:42

a midnight. We got onyx. We

25:45

got panda black. We

25:47

got puma black. We got iris black. Ooh,

25:49

I think you would look great in iris.

25:52

Like the iris of your eye? Wait,

25:55

that's the color part. What's

25:57

the middle part called? The pupil. Yeah,

25:59

pupil. black. I was trying to sneak

26:01

in a touch of color there. What about

26:03

if the lapels were iridescent? What

26:06

if we do a very cool aligning on

26:08

the tuxedo on the inside so we think,

26:10

oh, this is a man in a very,

26:12

very classic tuxedo. And then, bow, you open

26:14

it up, you're like a beautiful butterfly. You

26:17

burst forth from a cocoon. Everyone say, this

26:19

is a beautiful wedding. And then we look

26:21

down and your pants are cut just a

26:23

little bit up below the knee. Now you're

26:25

trying to sneak that in. You're trying to

26:27

sneak whatever that is in. And did we

26:30

settle on a black? I think I want,

26:33

there was a midnight and then an

26:35

at night somewhere between those night ones.

26:38

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.

26:40

I'm not, I feel like you guys

26:42

want to turn me into a

26:44

project or something, but I don't want to be

26:46

that guy that sticks out. It's hard because

26:48

we really want to, we want to promise you that

26:51

you're going to love the way you look good. Right.

26:54

And not look like I'm

26:56

going to stick out at the wedding

26:58

or make it about me. I so

27:00

don't want to be that guy. You

27:02

don't seem excited about the tuxedo. We're

27:04

trying to get you to because if

27:06

you're not excited, then how can we

27:08

promise we did you're going to love

27:10

the way you look good? We guarantee

27:12

it. Okay. You fall in love with this tuxedo

27:15

so that we can be good on our word because

27:17

our word is our bond. Our word is our

27:19

bond and our bond is our, is our

27:21

mortgage. Have you ever

27:23

seen the guy at the wedding that he,

27:25

at some point he takes his tie off

27:27

and he wraps around his head like a

27:29

headband, like a rambo exactly.

27:32

I am not that guy. Okay. I don't

27:34

want that guy

27:36

coming up to me. If you're

27:40

asking what's going to make me happy, he seems

27:43

like he's going to have a cut that

27:45

you're talking about and he's going to have

27:47

like a pink tuxedo or, or when everyone

27:51

else is where it's supposed to wear black

27:53

or he's going to have, like you said,

27:55

you open it up and

27:58

he's making it about himself. Okay,

28:00

um, I just I just went on the knot

28:02

and I went

28:04

on the knot and cross-referenced on Zola and I

28:07

just searched every wedding at a country club in

28:09

the radius starting it Too and I think I

28:11

found the wedding invite and here's a thought. I'm

28:14

now located the country club. Okay We

28:17

have to probably On the internet

28:19

we gotta do a little research to make sure

28:21

that we know which a wedding you're going to

28:24

Now I know you decided on something

28:27

between midnight and at night But

28:29

what if instead we made your

28:31

tuxedo out of the wallpaper

28:33

pattern of the dining room? No

28:35

one's gonna go to blend in no

28:38

one will see you the whole time. You'll be a little I

28:46

almost just knee-jerk said

28:48

no Think

28:52

about it. Oh me on this you don't

28:54

want to be really hide we

28:56

cut to the wedding I'm

28:58

gonna get a couple more meat. I don't have like

29:00

oh My

29:03

gosh It's

29:07

not your fault I was just standing I should stand here

29:11

It disappears again to another wall All

29:15

right, it's time for pictures Okay,

29:18

everyone's family here I see I got

29:20

a bride I got groom I got

29:23

I'm the bride sister. I'm

29:25

the yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi,

29:27

and you where's your husband? Let's

29:41

talk some more about that by

29:43

the way the Pivotal difference

29:46

between a suit and a tux

29:48

apparently is satin like

29:50

the use of satin in a That's

29:53

why I was wondering this Philip. Hell was what made it.

29:55

Yeah, it has satin lapel

29:57

satin buttons Yeah,

30:00

yeah, yeah like satin covered

30:02

button Yes, you

30:04

don't have to have the cummerbund This

30:07

feels like a champagne situation where we have

30:10

a sort of thing that we all generally

30:12

like this is champagne Although it technically may

30:14

not be champagne unless it's specifically champagne. You

30:16

know what I mean? Oh,

30:18

I think we call it tux. I guess not a

30:21

tux. I Mean check out

30:23

that tux, you know Check

30:25

out check out that choir tux to go backwards

30:27

Would it shock anyone to know that I

30:30

had an identical high school choir experience is

30:32

that? You

30:34

and I having similar things in our backstories Yes,

30:38

I was also in the audition choir and

30:41

we also were like tux and tuxes and

30:43

dresses and caroled Yeah,

30:46

that was we were we were

30:48

them year-round though we had to always wear our tuxes

30:50

and dresses for all occasions Yeah, we did two for

30:52

shows But I think that it was just like the

30:55

most the most frequent use they got was

30:57

in that I mean, I feel like

30:59

there are very few Few

31:02

times when it's acceptable for a choir

31:05

to walk into a room and just

31:07

sort of doing it start doing its

31:09

thing right Well,

31:13

yeah, I like this makes it's found

31:16

on that well I mean like in Christmas you

31:18

see a bunch of carolers show up and like

31:20

start seeing that a restaurant you're like, okay I

31:22

know what this is if that happens at any

31:24

other time of year like I was

31:26

I was just My

31:29

wife and I were often like an anniversary trip trip

31:31

and out of nowhere This

31:33

giant bus pulls up and

31:35

a bunch of older white women in

31:37

like Halloween costumes This is like a

31:40

week before Halloween Get out and just

31:42

start doing the thriller dance to the

31:44

song that was going on in

31:46

the bar not the song thriller And

31:50

I just feel like sometimes like an

31:52

artistic happening is somewhat Like

31:55

context is so important and I think it's

31:57

I think choirs bursting out of nowhere. In

32:00

a holiday we understand it for

32:02

like a conservative. a ten in

32:05

must assess assess the a for

32:07

idol while. I don't.

32:09

I like a little you didn't read opinion.

32:12

I'm all for the supreme court system requires

32:14

it out or have them was shown over.

32:16

I mean look Iowa, I'm not saying I

32:18

wouldn't like it. I'm saying it would be

32:20

a confusing. True.

32:25

To. Their. On your own

32:27

Like an idea that we put. We. Put teams

32:29

in fancy clothes also and also like invisible

32:32

Public School and we had all pay for

32:34

them which is sort of a wild expense

32:36

or it's like okay please now. By.

32:38

This choir. Dress oh ours were

32:41

are there was sort of

32:43

like. There was just

32:45

like. A

32:47

set amount and they sort of rotated through

32:49

whoever was in the choir at that point

32:51

in time. he and I don't think and

32:53

known as think about it you probably didn't

32:55

even wear the same jacket from I did

32:57

did did he probably went to the jacket

32:59

closet and guy with a for for hims

33:01

there and to do far more made her

33:04

like her daughter that we cut to the

33:06

high school. Drama

33:08

Department. Okay,

33:12

Ah, We're.

33:14

Going to do something a little new

33:16

this year. Because.

33:19

I'm a little tired of us

33:21

only getting one performance. we rehearse

33:24

all year. You guys rehearse. I

33:26

direct. All. Year

33:28

round. Can we heard said

33:30

We Are rising. Is. Are you

33:32

know so we're going to the tic

33:34

toc gratitude I don't even you money

33:37

was speaking and a thousand different languages

33:39

it once I had a joined you

33:41

you're saying is into new sorry I

33:43

like myself are you some others that

33:45

they knew it had thought we were

33:47

going to to dog run service subsidize

33:50

was your idea. That

33:53

would have been amazing. If

33:56

that was my idea. i can't

33:58

even repeat the words you decide TikTok

34:01

Ratatouille. Yeah, okay. No,

34:07

we want to know your idea Mr. B, but just like

34:10

that's no idea What

34:14

it is oh you don't know it You

34:16

know I guess I don't want to You

34:19

don't want to know Mr. B Sure,

34:21

tell me what is that gratitude is really fascinating

34:23

story Mr. B It

34:26

was just a bunch of collaborators on

34:28

TikTok putting together a full musical of

34:30

Ratatouille But it didn't exist it one

34:33

night. Until it existed on TikTok and it's

34:35

a TikTok Ratatouille We

34:37

should do it live. You know the movie

34:39

Ratatouille Live. Oh, sorry. Yeah,

34:41

do you know the movie Ratatouille? We

34:44

cut to the teachers lounge that

34:46

day God damn it

34:50

Don't tell me not to smoke in here Rachel

34:54

I just could you do it by the window at least.

34:57

This is a fucking window. I'm five

34:59

feet from the window. That's by the

35:01

window Okay,

35:03

mr. B. You seem on

35:05

edge. I am I had

35:07

this whole Idea that

35:10

I've been working on all summer that I

35:12

thought the kids were gonna love I

35:14

thought instead of doing it on stage What

35:17

what did you say? Good? Are you

35:20

finally doing TikTok Ratatouille? What

35:25

the fuck is everybody talking about? When

35:27

did this happen? We've

35:30

been But

35:33

we you know, it's not really our place to tell

35:35

you what to do with the department But we've all

35:37

been hoping you would finally Know

35:40

about this. Oh, yeah, this

35:42

other adult adults know about this. This

35:44

was big TikTok Ratatouille was

35:46

large big This is a

35:48

couple years old at this point Why

35:51

is there one school talking about it? I

35:54

think it's about time someone did TikTok Ratatouille

35:56

it's been two years I

36:00

should be doing that they're gonna be mad

36:03

about two years from now long form nothing

36:06

Tooie Bama rush week is over and I don't

36:09

know how you would turn that into sort of

36:11

like a show talk. Yeah. Yeah There's

36:14

always a new dance, but that's that's a little

36:16

tricky because I feel like it's almost always You

36:20

know a bunch of white people sort of stealing from

36:22

the black community. That's not a great look How

36:27

about like There's

36:29

always a good dog. It's a good dog What

36:33

was your phone your cool idea for oh now

36:35

you want to know I mean I've always been

36:37

interested I just really jumped the gun cuz I

36:39

thought finally someone was gonna do tic-tac-rata to fuck

36:41

all of you He goes over to where they

36:43

have like 12 plates there anyone can you

36:46

Smashes them on the ground and goes out

36:48

where the all the metal heads are smoking

36:50

weed and shit If any

36:53

of you fuckhead say anything anybody about

36:55

me fucking smoking out here. I'll be

36:58

fucking flunked out forever No,

37:00

dude, this is where you're cool. I know I'm cool.

37:02

You don't even tell me I'm fucking cool No,

37:05

you think we're cool. You're cool. We promise you're gonna

37:07

like the way you're cool. We probably promise You're gonna

37:09

like the way you're cool. Don't even fucking worry about

37:11

it. We smoke a little is When

37:13

you guys if you're so cool once you

37:16

do fucking drama department. I had this great

37:18

idea that we would do plays Yeah,

37:20

where you guys you to talk about you mother Take

37:24

a ride with me to talk

37:26

about the most fucking metal thing on the Internet

37:31

On the Internet two years

37:33

ago apparently yeah, yeah classic

37:36

They got a classic. Yeah,

37:38

they got that kid from

37:40

the Jimmy Awards who was the

37:42

youngest year Evan Hansen on Broadway Yeah, you

37:44

know the way the man chef you know about

37:47

the Jimmy Awards I'm

37:49

afraid to not know about something It's

37:52

okay. It's just that they got that kid to be the

37:54

chef Not the little chef

37:56

rat so like linguini guy

38:00

And then that guy, which one's Remy,

38:02

which one's linguini? Remy is

38:04

the rat. I know it's confusing. Everyone wants

38:06

to call the rat Ratatouille, but

38:08

Ratatouille is the dish they make. Right. Humans

38:17

to unlock the bonus scene, you must

38:20

subscribe to the ad free version of

38:22

the show. Exclusively

38:24

available at temperoffforhumans.com.

38:28

I heard a kid on a SIDS

38:30

soccer team. They were talking about their

38:32

religions. And, uh,

38:35

and one kid said, I'm Christian. And

38:40

another girl said, uh, I'm,

38:43

I'm Catholic. And

38:45

a girl said, and another girl said,

38:47

well, isn't well,

38:49

Catholic is Christian. And

38:52

the Catholic girl goes, I can't

38:55

remember the exact quote, but it was basically,

38:57

well, Catholic is

38:59

just basically better than Christian.

39:02

Like, like

39:04

it's a better form of Christianity or

39:06

it's, uh, that's my group right there.

39:08

Woo. Yeah. And most of the kids

39:10

were like going with it almost like,

39:12

oh, okay. I get it. Yeah. Okay.

39:15

That's like, that's the way

39:17

she's presenting it. That's a

39:19

great LA to orange County difference. Cause I

39:21

had those conversations all the time growing up

39:23

too, but instead it was all evangelical Christians

39:26

being like, Catholic is not Christian. And I'd

39:28

be like, yeah, it is. It's like the

39:30

exact, like definition of Christianity is just a

39:32

follower of Christ. He thinks he's the Messiah.

39:35

We differ on two ideas. Like we are

39:37

both Christian and they'd be like, you're not

39:39

what language you can do. What

39:41

language you can do the service in?

39:43

Like, but it's about communion. If you

39:46

think it's literally a miracle or you think

39:48

it's a metaphor, that's the main difference between

39:50

the two. And I was like, but you

39:52

still like the world, it's just like an

39:54

objective religion. Like, you know,

39:57

slightly different even. for

42:00

some reason because like it makes sense that for

42:02

most of your life the one year older you

42:04

are the bigger and stronger you are and

42:06

Like you don't necessarily have a cause let's go

42:09

to the school yard as this girl's explaining that

42:11

concept All right, but point of order

42:13

my dad's 44. So he actually

42:15

could beat up your dad if he's 30

42:17

lines. He's not 44 He

42:20

is 44. He's 44. That's

42:22

five more years for him to get jacked

42:25

fucking beat your dad's sorry I'll

42:29

put an airhead in the swear jar. Sorry. I'm

42:32

not lying. He's 44 About

42:35

swears the teachers. Oh,

42:38

yeah, I do want to punch you and

42:40

your dad You

42:42

need to punch my dad. Good luck. No my

42:46

Your dad but my dad how old your dad 39? Yeah, right

42:51

Yeah, right. He's not gonna be able to play

42:53

he can't play how are we? eight

42:58

Okay, I don't mean to like

43:00

fully fully drop some stuff

43:03

on y'all right now. My dad's 48 years old Okay,

43:08

you're just Last

43:11

three years old. I want you to

43:13

picture three years waking up early drinking

43:15

eggs like rocky running up and down

43:17

steps Going to the open

43:20

in the refrigerator punching all the cold

43:22

meats in there Why are you describing

43:24

the thing that's obvious to me? We

43:26

get stronger every year? It's

43:29

so obvious. We're more stronger than we were

43:31

last year, but I think you're

43:33

a goddamn liar There's no way

43:35

that old What

43:37

you fucking freaks guess what guess who's

43:39

visiting this weekend if our dads are gonna

43:42

fight guess who's visiting my grandpa

43:44

and he's 72

43:48

so look out Look

43:50

out he's about to drop some realness

43:53

on your 48 year old dad about

43:55

to get absolutely blocked

43:57

up because not only Not

44:00

only is my grandmother in town, but

44:03

my great-grandmother is still on

44:05

this earth. She is

44:08

196 years old. That

44:12

isn't real. That's not right. She's

44:14

not alive. She's passing through walls like

44:16

the Kool-Aid man. She doesn't even need

44:19

to be a dog. She's

44:21

nothing. She is the apex predator

44:23

of nature. Walking through the world.

44:26

Whatever I hear, she lives in Reno. You

44:28

told us she lives in Reno. She's not even here. She

44:30

does live in Reno. She's coming

44:32

though. She's not coming though this weekend. He

44:35

was lying. He was lying because

44:39

not that she was alive. She was alive,

44:41

but she wasn't coming to visit. She was

44:43

locked up below

44:47

a max security prison

44:51

below the Pentagon, and she's currently

44:53

being looked at from behind some

44:56

windows by a police expert.

44:58

You think I'm locked in here with you? You're

45:00

locked in here with me? We can't let

45:02

her out in the wild again. She's

45:05

our source of sweat when we have a nation. You sure

45:07

fucking can't let me out in the wild because the second you do, I'm going to rip

45:10

that. How did she hear us

45:12

through the two-weighted glass? My ears are 96 years

45:14

old. I hear better than

45:16

anyone on the planet. She's been eating carrots her whole

45:18

goddamn life. That's how. The only reason

45:20

I have to pop through that glass right now is

45:22

because I've chosen to let you all live. The second.

45:24

Agent Stamper, we've got to go in there. We need

45:27

her. The Our enemy is going

45:29

to have her. It's us. What

45:31

do you want from us? Don't even turn that up. Guys, what can we

45:33

do to get you on board? We're sorry

45:36

we took you in the middle of the night en route to your vacation

45:38

in Boca. I

45:48

was going to Boca with Janice

45:50

and Denise. You killed 40 of our men so we're even,

45:52

okay? Well,

45:55

they came for me real hard so I put

45:57

it down. Gladys, we're sorry. We just didn't know.

46:00

But we didn't know any other way to deal with

46:02

the magnitude of your power. I should be

46:04

sipping my ties on the beach

46:06

and slamming locals. We want

46:08

that for you Gladys and we'll get that for

46:10

you. We just need you to perform one mission

46:13

for your country. What is it? We

46:16

need you to go to your grandson's

46:18

school and just stomp on a

46:20

bunch of dads. These dads

46:22

are actually a supercell of spies.

46:26

I can't. We need you to just stomp the

46:28

yard. And put a big target on my

46:30

family. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

46:32

Gladys, we can hide them. We can hide them all. They

46:35

can all move to Boca year round or

46:38

half when Reno happened Boca, whatever you prefer.

46:40

Please Gladys. These dads, some of them are in

46:43

their mid-40s. How many of them

46:45

are there? You're only hope. Six.

46:47

I'll do it. And we

46:50

cut to a parking lot

46:52

behind the racquet club where the dads

46:54

have all actually met up for a fight

46:56

and they're all pulling out their wallets to

46:59

prove how old they are before the fight

47:01

begins. Okay, so it's going

47:03

to be sort of a 39. I'm going to be 40

47:05

in fucking two weeks. So right now 40. Not

47:07

yet. Not yet. Not

47:10

yet. 40 in four weeks. All right, we're going to

47:12

go round robin style. All right, so the

47:14

youngest is going to fight the oldest and

47:16

then. Really? That's not fair.

47:18

I didn't fight the closest to my

47:20

age. You're fighting Max. He's

47:22

48. Ring ring. Who's

47:25

that? Oh, not me.

47:27

I don't know what that sound is

47:29

because my birth predates the telephone. How's

47:32

it going, bitches? Oh, no. Holy

47:34

shit. Boo. Oh.

47:37

And this old

47:39

woman picks up a man. He's going over

47:42

to touch him. And

47:44

she throws one man and she picks up a

47:46

man and uses him as a weapon to hit

47:48

all the other men. Oh, just use that

47:51

board. Oh. Put

47:53

me down. I

48:01

need you all to leave this town

48:03

and never come back. You must leave

48:05

our family. I

48:08

need you to leave it all behind and travel

48:12

on foot. It's not intended.

48:14

Not in any of these new fangled

48:16

machines. That

48:19

seems to be your sticking point. Sure is. Your

48:29

one word suggestion from Discord.

48:32

I'm going to get some more suggestions online.

48:36

I'm going to say like, I'm

48:39

going to say like three words. Great.

48:41

Wow. So one hot

48:44

dog lipstick says magician. Sorry,

48:47

but I already stuck on hot dog. Yeah,

48:49

sometimes I don't want to say the names. Okay,

48:53

sorry. Hot dog lipstick said what? Magician.

48:59

Hot dog lipstick says head what? Mostly

49:01

sex. Mostly sex head what? Mostly

49:05

sex. Hot dog lipstick. Wait,

49:09

did you want multiple words? I'm

49:11

sorry. Formula, bench. Those are two more

49:13

words. Formula, bench, magician. Hot

49:15

dog lipstick said formula, bench, magician. Okay.

49:28

Are you doing a scene or are you thinking? Sorry.

49:30

I'm thinking. I thought we were going to chat first.

49:32

Okay, yeah, I thought so too, but I wasn't sure.

49:34

You did your, I almost thought that was a voice.

49:36

Okay. Yeah, I

49:38

was just trying to do it. I got to watch with you.

49:40

Sometimes you're quick off the draw and you're like, I

49:43

guess we're in it. Thank you. Thank you so much.

49:46

Bench formula.

49:51

You guys, do you guys know how much you bench? You know

49:53

how much you bench press? I

49:55

think I can only bench basically the bar. A

49:58

little bit more. I was told

50:00

a reason why there's a couple of like benchmarks for

50:03

like benching. The first

50:05

is like a

50:08

hundred and the goal

50:10

is like benching weight right? Isn't that

50:13

the second benchmark is your own weight.

50:15

The first one is one plate on

50:17

each side. Plates are 90 pounds total

50:19

45 each so that's 95. So

50:22

what's yeah and then the next one

50:24

is your own weight but for some people just

50:27

lose some weight make that goal easier

50:29

right? For some people if one plate on

50:31

each side is for some people less more

50:33

than their own weight. So in that case

50:36

your weight is your first benchmark. It's

50:39

whatever is lighter. I've told you before about how I

50:41

was in a weightlifting class in high school. It

50:44

was my senior year I had to get one more

50:46

PE credit and so I took zero period weight lifting

50:48

and it was like three women and 35 dudes

50:51

and a really great coach as our

50:53

teacher like he was just so dry

50:55

and funny and we did a

50:58

thing where he had us max out like

51:00

one of the units of working on the

51:02

class was we had to max out on

51:04

our bench our bicep curl in our leg

51:06

press and then he did a thing

51:08

later in the year where he took a 10 percentage

51:11

off of all of our weight and

51:13

he did more of an endurance challenge

51:15

and we got to pick teams and

51:18

for whatever reason taking 10% off of a leg

51:21

press for women with like such a big

51:23

difference that me and the other captain

51:25

who was all like he made like the two

51:27

senior girls the captain of the team which was

51:30

very cute and we had we

51:32

could do like so many leg presses like

51:34

the dudes could maybe do like five but

51:36

we could do like 90 because just

51:39

the difference made like a bigger difference but then

51:41

I one guy on

51:43

my team like atrophied during the year or something

51:45

and he couldn't do a single

51:47

one of his even reduced

51:49

leg press because he skipped leg day too

51:52

many times I guess and

51:55

so we lost and we the winning

51:57

team didn't have to run the final mile.

52:00

But I like literally couldn't move my

52:02

legs for like four days because I had

52:04

done so many like 90 leg presses Yeah,

52:08

yeah And so I was like trying to run the mile and

52:10

every time you know It's like four laps around the track and

52:12

every time I came by like coach Please

52:15

like to work and he's

52:17

like Sorry, and he used to call

52:19

me the babe because I made him come see the

52:21

musical that year He'd worked at the school since it

52:23

opened and he had never seen a musical and I

52:25

was like come see the musical this year Coach Conley

52:27

and my character's name was babe in the pajama game.

52:29

So he'd be like the babe You

52:32

shouldn't have picked Herbert for your team Totally

52:35

would just like Hey

52:44

Herbert I know i've been giving you Leg

52:47

day answers, but i'm gonna be honest with you.

52:49

I don't think just me telling you what we

52:51

did on leg day And

52:53

how many presses, you know, I got it's gonna help

52:55

you know, it's good kind of cheating You know, I

52:58

feel it's fine. As long as I know what y'all

53:00

did then it's like god. I know it, right? Okay.

53:02

Okay, so we did We

53:04

did 30 reps of leg press our

53:07

own weight We

53:09

did some um, you do um Why

53:12

are you writing it down? So I remember it for

53:15

the test. What do you mean? We're

53:19

not gonna like write down on a test An

53:21

amount. All right kids like presses you're

53:23

gonna pop quiz pop

53:26

quiz pop push Everyone

53:31

line up everyone line up to the leg press. Hey,

53:33

listen, if you've been doing the work year through the year You'll

53:36

be just fine. All right I

53:39

just gave you yeah, no, it's all good.

53:41

Don't worry about it. All right, uh, brendan

53:43

popping the press brendan popping the press Okay,

53:48

and five reps One

53:51

two three four five

53:53

great job brendan. This

53:55

is a guy who's been studying all year and

53:57

you can tell All right Let

54:00

me get James. Let me get James in the

54:03

press. Yeah, okay. Here we go Okay,

54:05

James. I'm taking up make it your way. Okay,

54:07

and me five Whoa

54:11

James did some app was it

54:14

the library was it James? Alright

54:20

Alright, let me get Sandra. Okay. Let me get

54:22

Sandra in the press Okay,

54:24

adjust for your weight. Okay, and give me

54:26

five more five. Oh Sandra

54:29

she's an a student. All

54:31

right, Herbert Herb Herbie

54:34

her her be In

54:37

that press my man. Okay. All right

54:39

is five at 90 pounds each nailed

54:41

it Herb

54:44

you gotta do them. You gotta press them. That's

54:46

right. You got a five and I'm I'm

54:49

sorry. What's what's here written

54:52

on the inside of your palm? Are you saying like

54:54

on leg day? No, I'm not trying to cheat I

54:56

just know it and I knew it so much I

54:58

had to write it down five and ninety-five each got

55:00

it I gotta see those presses

55:02

or I'm gonna have to fail you on this I

55:04

agree. We all got to see them and there's five

55:06

of them at 90 pounds each nailed it Herbie

55:10

you really have to do

55:12

them. I can't just know

55:14

that you the amount Okay

55:18

Pop in the press Herbert or

55:21

your failures quiz don't understand That

55:24

too we cut to him later at

55:26

home. They had given him one more

55:28

day To

55:31

study up and he has to do

55:33

it the next day or he'll be

55:35

failed mom. I don't understand. I know

55:38

it. I Know it.

55:40

I do not like getting calls from

55:42

teachers Mom I know it

55:44

calls from sweet every time your

55:46

teacher calls I get a pit in my stomach

55:49

you are not getting breakfast for dinner with

55:51

this kind of Breakfast

55:57

for dinner, but you do not get it. We're

55:59

having ready regular dinner food. What about

56:01

shitty scrambies? Nope. You're

56:04

not getting it. You are studying your leg

56:06

presses, young manna. This is the thing I'm

56:08

so confused about though. I know them. It's

56:11

90. Five? You have so much five

56:13

squats right now or me and your mother, we're

56:15

going to ground you. What

56:17

do you mean? Five

56:20

at 90 pounds. You're body in

56:23

a little squatty. Why? No

56:25

breakfast on the internet. Stop crying. That is not going to

56:27

get you out of it. Stop crying.

56:30

I don't understand. Stop crying. When

56:32

I'm sitting in history class and

56:34

they ask a question about the

56:37

Civil War, no one

56:39

makes you do a Civil

56:41

War. What is

56:43

happening in this class? This

56:46

is the class you chose. And

56:48

you know what? With this kind of attitude, I'm

56:50

saying a whole month with no breakfast. Whoo,

56:53

shitty scrambies. And

56:56

this is also why you failed biology because

56:58

you can't just say pig

57:00

dissected. You actually have

57:02

to do it. You

57:05

have to do something, Herbie. You can't just

57:07

talk about it. We

57:10

cut to him on a date which all

57:12

his friends have been saying is the one he's going

57:14

to get his first kiss on. Do

57:19

you want to go into the closet now? Everybody

57:23

else is kind of hooking up. Yeah.

57:25

You know what? We go into the

57:28

closet and we can't smooch. Nailed it. That

57:30

was a lot of suggestions. Let's go into the closet. Again?

57:33

What? Again? Sorry,

57:35

do you want us to move out of your

57:37

way? We're

57:41

making out right here. Oh, sorry. We're also making out

57:43

over here. Oh, sorry. We're making out over here. Do you

57:46

want us to move out of your way? No, don't even

57:48

worry about it. We're making out right here. We're

57:50

making out. Sorry. I'm

57:52

sorry. I'm playing the sax over here. Talk's a

57:55

real wedding. Everybody

58:00

scream. I knew I missed

58:03

one of them. Come here. You're 45

58:05

year old a weakling We

58:24

cut to her be the next day. Did you

58:26

guys kiss or what? Everyone

58:28

hooked up at that party until but

58:30

dad Until that until that

58:32

old old woman came and just absolutely

58:35

destroyed that dad. Yeah, no,

58:37

no dad town I don't

58:39

see what the big deal about it is Everyone was

58:41

making out the whole time that I was like, yeah,

58:43

I'm making out we're in the closet smooch smooch I

58:45

never saw you go into the closet. Yeah. No, I

58:47

said we went in the closet and smooch. I Know

58:52

but I never saw you go in no, I didn't go

58:54

in I said we were gonna go in and smooch I

58:58

don't see what the big deal is. Honestly y'all

59:00

were like saying the big thing Gonna

59:02

do it wrong and make out it seems

59:05

fine I think you got to

59:07

make it last longer is my my

59:09

just general note. Okay, hold on. Let me write this down So

59:12

how long exactly? Really

59:17

as long as it feels right but okay for

59:20

you I Make it

59:22

at least five minutes. I think you do everything too

59:24

quickly And when do we think the quiz on this

59:26

is gonna be? Hmm. And

59:28

when do we think the written exam? Sweetheart

59:31

sweetheart. Sorry to barge into your school,

59:33

but I figured it out I

59:35

know I know the best way to make

59:38

you understand this. Okay, I've made you French

59:40

toast and a scrambies Okay

59:43

now Where is it?

59:45

What do you write here on a plate? Okay

59:48

for you. Okay now, would

59:50

you like this? Yeah

59:54

Okay. Now don't you

59:56

actually do something with it? I

1:00:01

eat it. Yeah, you

1:00:03

don't just... With my body. With

1:00:06

your body, you do it. I

1:00:09

don't just study the scrambies.

1:00:12

Yeah, you don't just write it down in a

1:00:14

diary and say you ate it already. You eat

1:00:16

big scrambies in the French toast. I

1:00:18

didn't make out at all. I

1:00:21

didn't make out even one time. No.

1:00:24

And I didn't do any of the squats. And I

1:00:26

didn't dissect the pig. And

1:00:30

you never had any friends. Wait,

1:00:32

what? Oh, I shouldn't have said that. No,

1:00:36

I have. When

1:00:38

I said I had a birthday party,

1:00:41

great party, everyone said that. Your

1:00:50

one word suggestion from Discord. I

1:00:53

want to give you some more suggestions, though.

1:00:58

Halfway. Hot

1:01:01

dog lipstick. Say

1:01:03

what? Hot dog lipstick.

1:01:09

See, I can't say user names now. No,

1:01:12

they're like, hot dog lipstick, you can't. Always

1:01:15

in the word. How could

1:01:17

they not be? Electrocution.

1:01:22

Delayed. Delayed. This

1:01:26

makes me think of airports. Delayed. Halfway.

1:01:31

Electrocution. Sounds. Like

1:01:33

a great band. Yeah. Hello,

1:01:36

we are delayed halfway electrocution. Can we

1:01:39

talk about this for a second? Why

1:01:41

are we not all the way. Just

1:01:43

to sort of riff on names. I

1:01:47

feel like we're sort of selling ourselves short. But I'm

1:01:49

not. Delayed.

1:01:51

Halfway. Electrocution. Right.

1:01:55

It just feels like electrocution. right

1:02:00

wow banger so big

1:02:03

so great but at

1:02:05

the same time we're like but it's later and

1:02:07

also it's only half of it you

1:02:09

know I'm saying what we're full

1:02:12

death sentence you

1:02:17

guys use the screen room

1:02:19

this is why death sentence

1:02:22

but they already right

1:02:24

yeah yeah yeah delayed halfway like

1:02:26

way electrocution yeah you just doing

1:02:33

a few songs I guess yeah yeah

1:02:35

we're gonna do like a tight 25 to 40 seconds

1:02:39

of an intro for

1:02:41

you yeah we'll

1:02:44

ramp it up for you you guys are great thing

1:02:46

you bunch you want to do three or

1:02:48

four good intro songs that'd be awesome yeah yeah

1:02:50

right okay yeah full songs yeah yeah you got

1:02:52

it each of them with 45 seconds

1:02:54

of intro so you can talk over it if you want sort

1:02:57

of tell people buy drink or buy

1:02:59

some merch but see that's why we

1:03:01

got to be halfway delayed electrocution because

1:03:03

you can't go all the way you

1:03:06

know all the way then we're implying

1:03:08

that we're doing we're ripping them off

1:03:10

you know do stupid of me I think we

1:03:12

could be sorry before I go my own green

1:03:14

room I can I can plug my merch in

1:03:18

during your songs before we give you a full 40

1:03:20

seconds you know before we think

1:03:24

you better do merch

1:03:27

is important yeah yeah it's

1:03:29

gonna be yeah it's

1:03:31

mostly it's

1:03:34

mostly fact but uh

1:03:37

what's all you but we know

1:03:39

how to play we put right

1:03:41

down there all

1:03:44

the way in

1:03:46

well thanks mate yeah you

1:03:48

too sorry yeah just getting warmed up

1:03:51

listen I know we've played under like a bunch of different

1:03:53

names you know it's so important this

1:03:56

part in the band party party

1:03:58

partially dead That

1:04:00

was something we tried for a second. Cardi

1:04:03

partially dead. Tardy partially dead. Tardy

1:04:05

partially dead. Oops I'm late. That was really tricky.

1:04:07

Oops I'm late. I almost

1:04:09

slipped. Angel of death.

1:04:12

Yeah. That was a bit wor- Now I

1:04:15

feel like that- That one was worly. No

1:04:17

but I feel like that's an album. It's a bit of a mouthful. Oh yeah

1:04:19

it's a good album. No but I feel like it's an album. Yeah it's a

1:04:21

good album. Yeah. Yeah.

1:04:23

Um you know uh um

1:04:26

hanging hanging back. Hanging

1:04:30

back midway. Midway expired. We

1:04:34

see that they're still doing this

1:04:36

as they're uh they're at places

1:04:39

and they've been introduced three

1:04:42

other times but every time the guy

1:04:45

out out introducing them they hand them another

1:04:48

slip of paper. I already fucking

1:04:50

introduced you guys. One more. One more.

1:04:52

You're changing your band name now. We're gonna get it

1:04:55

this time. Yeah yeah yeah. This one's it. This

1:04:57

one's it. Okay.

1:05:00

Here you go. Here you go. Here you

1:05:02

go. Here you go. Read this. Here

1:05:05

you go. It. Almost

1:05:07

bad dude. Yeah. Ooh

1:05:10

yeah. No I feel good

1:05:12

about that. Yeah. Yeah

1:05:14

yeah. Hello we are Almost Bad Dude

1:05:17

and this is our hit song. Party

1:05:20

Tardy partially slipped on the Angel of

1:05:22

Death. Let's

1:05:33

talk some more about that. The

1:05:35

Folgers commercial I remember is

1:05:38

it's ah is that Folgers?

1:05:40

No it's Hallmark. Sorry. It

1:05:42

sounds similar. It's okay. It's a holiday. It'll

1:05:44

be good again. It's a good one. It's

1:05:46

a good one. It's

1:05:49

Hallmark in a card. If

1:05:55

you can find it Brett. I think it's

1:05:57

a classic one. It's Hallmark. Word

1:06:01

search Hallmark kids

1:06:04

football helmets. I feel like they're wearing

1:06:06

football helmets and

1:06:10

now the twist for me when you have to football

1:06:12

helmets yeah well I think they're like I don't want

1:06:14

to do a spoiler if he can find it I

1:06:18

bet it's from the 70s. I think

1:06:20

you can tell what happened which

1:06:22

is Hallmark kids football helmets go

1:06:24

it makes everyone coffee. Let's watch

1:06:26

this nice little story

1:06:28

okay hopefully this is it two-minute

1:06:58

commercial going on I do

1:07:04

not think this is it let's keep playing it I

1:07:28

didn't know you were

1:07:30

doing that. I like it no big deal.

1:07:32

It might be a big deal. Can

1:07:53

I see your car?

1:07:55

Sure. You

1:08:00

didn't have to do what you did. I

1:08:04

hope you had it so special. Max,

1:08:11

you know what this means? It's kind of... It

1:08:15

means you can be very proud of yourself. I

1:08:20

don't know who I am. Oh

1:08:24

my God. We'll

1:08:27

get you that armadillo. You're

1:08:31

squishing me. Football helmet.

1:08:33

The kid is funny. I'm football helmet.

1:08:35

That kid kept working. He still works.

1:08:37

I think he's... Yeah. That

1:08:40

kid works. That

1:08:42

was not the one. That was pretty... That was

1:08:44

really cute though. Extremely

1:08:46

cute. Two minutes long of

1:08:48

uninterrupted narrative. Where does that

1:08:50

even breathe and live? How

1:08:52

does... TV sure has

1:08:55

changed, man. Commercials

1:08:57

used to be short films. Have

1:08:59

you seen the movie of my lunar module? There

1:09:01

is so much stuff in that commercial that like...

1:09:04

I want an armadillo. I love

1:09:07

it though. I love how they've written that kid. Which

1:09:09

is like the kid was just like, oh yeah, it

1:09:11

was just nice to this kid. I didn't think anything

1:09:14

of it. I'm too busy like playing as a kid.

1:09:16

And the mom's like, but you were sensitive to the

1:09:18

sick kid. But it's like such a slow

1:09:20

burn. In like a great way. You guys

1:09:22

are the mother and son and I'm the

1:09:24

dad who just got home. Then

1:09:26

you're going to tell me about it. Okay.

1:09:30

Hi. Hi, Mom. Hi,

1:09:35

sweetheart. Hey, how are you guys doing? Here.

1:09:39

Here are your dads. Here. What

1:09:41

happened? What happened to school today? Did you finish your homework?

1:09:44

Hmm? We... No.

1:09:46

I didn't... I have math

1:09:49

left. Okay.

1:09:51

Well, I want to tell your dad

1:09:53

about the very special card that you got from

1:09:55

your teacher. Okay. Got a report card?

1:09:58

Got a report card? Sort of a report card. sweetheart

1:10:01

this is more of a emotional report

1:10:03

card here you get in trouble can

1:10:05

I get an armadillo? no

1:10:08

it's quite the opposite here get

1:10:10

in trouble you got some kind of slip no

1:10:13

cut here read this card

1:10:16

what's this card? even

1:10:19

have to do what you did but

1:10:21

you did the

1:10:24

inside says you

1:10:27

didn't have to do what you

1:10:29

did you're

1:10:33

gonna like how you feel good we promise

1:10:37

and then the teacher said your son was very

1:10:39

sweet to a kid who's been having a hard

1:10:41

time he plays with him during recess you

1:10:47

got a car cuz you play as a kid at recess?

1:10:50

yeah I was confused too it's

1:10:54

not confusing every boy who

1:10:57

plays is a kid at recess no sweetheart

1:10:59

not this kid he's sick and he has

1:11:01

to stay in the classroom so so man

1:11:04

I told you not to play with sick kids did you wear a mask?

1:11:06

no no not sick like that

1:11:08

sweetheart it's very nice

1:11:11

the kid is having a hard time it's

1:11:13

nice everyone plays at recess and I told

1:11:15

you do you wear a mask I don't

1:11:17

want to get sick not

1:11:20

sick like that sick and like really really

1:11:22

bad boy I don't want to make it

1:11:24

a big deal for our kid he's

1:11:27

not contagious they said so okay

1:11:30

okay okay let me understand this

1:11:32

so you play dad okay dad

1:11:34

okay and you play at recess

1:11:37

with him so your teacher went

1:11:39

out and bought a card dad

1:11:42

that's right from Hallmark dad

1:11:44

dad mom

1:11:47

says they can't have an armadillo but I'd like to

1:11:49

revisit this an

1:11:51

armadillo? yeah I don't know

1:11:54

what armadillos are they

1:11:56

smell they're like

1:11:58

they're they're highway routes We warm

1:12:00

her no we'll put him in the lunar module Hi,

1:12:10

it's me your uncle you didn't think

1:12:12

I was gonna make it to dinner, but I

1:12:14

did Mom

1:12:17

your brother's here Wait

1:12:19

my adult brother's in my house.

1:12:21

Yeah, I Can't

1:12:24

possibly understand wait, shouldn't you

1:12:26

be at your wife's house uncle Rick? but

1:12:31

I'm here Uncle

1:12:35

Rick go your wife's out. Hey, let

1:12:38

me talk to him. Let's go out on the porch buddy. Okay?

1:12:41

Hey Hey, I'm

1:12:43

here. I made it. Yeah. Yeah, that's

1:12:45

what you say every time you come over. Yeah,

1:12:47

I made you guys Christmas

1:12:52

is great. Yeah, it's

1:12:54

giving great Family

1:12:59

Like it over here like Three

1:13:02

times. I know but Carl

1:13:04

are you having problems at all? Carl

1:13:07

you know you need to make your own food

1:13:09

sometimes. I know Carl isn't Alright,

1:13:13

I was gonna make it But

1:13:16

I made it at this point. It's like

1:13:19

It's he not gonna come tonight and it's

1:13:21

that kind of hopeful It's

1:13:24

not is he gonna make a car screeches

1:13:26

up and a woman gets out Don't

1:13:30

like that Janet have you

1:13:32

been why will you not

1:13:34

come back to my house? Your

1:13:37

wife's house not our And

1:13:47

Seeing you on this has been a

1:13:49

very fun and proper humans. It's too

1:13:51

much favorite people's act and just Thanks

1:13:54

for putting up with that artificial intelligence at the

1:13:56

top of the show Would you

1:13:58

guys like to plug anything? Hmm.

1:14:02

Well, you can, uh, so, um, our

1:14:04

podcast, um, off book, we sunset at

1:14:07

our weekly episodes, but we've had some

1:14:09

fun live shows recently on the feed.

1:14:11

Um, so stay

1:14:13

involved with that and,

1:14:16

um, you can watch

1:14:18

our show play it by ear if you

1:14:20

get a dropout subscription and, you

1:14:23

know, that's about it, I think. Okay.

1:14:26

Well, that's, that's a good,

1:14:28

that's a good, firm, meaty,

1:14:31

meaty plug. Just like

1:14:34

this one. improvforhumans.com, humans.

1:14:36

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1:15:01

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some old VHS tapes. Oh my

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God. I used to be

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very skinny. Yes,

1:15:16

that's true. We got Maddie B back

1:15:19

in Chicago where I barely weighed over

1:15:21

a hundred pounds. You could probably bench,

1:15:23

you could probably bench the bar still. Hit that

1:15:25

first bench bar. Yeah. I've never, I would

1:15:27

never, I wouldn't even know where to start

1:15:29

with that if I was doing an improv

1:15:32

scene about a realistic, I'm not trying to

1:15:34

be the unusual thing. What are

1:15:36

you benching? I wouldn't even know what to say. Oh, I started

1:15:38

at 700 pounds. A small car.

1:15:45

Oh, but anyway, the Professor Bester feed,

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Go to improvforhumans.com right now and check it

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