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4:01

Based on the suggestions and other

4:03

sources of inspiration, guests

4:05

will perform fully and provide themes. Today's

4:08

episode features human guests. Carl,

4:12

Luca, Mr. Jones,

4:14

Mr. Tarts, keep

4:17

it going, Brett. I

4:19

just heard this song like yesterday. This

4:23

is the instrumental of it, actually. What's

4:25

it called? Pink Shears by

4:28

Mandy Indiana? It's

4:31

called what? Pinking

4:33

Shears. Oh, Pinking Shears. I

4:36

don't know what pinking means. Maybe you can

4:38

go on and turn it up a little bit. Yeah,

4:41

it's post Thanksgiving, everybody. Don't

4:45

get sleepy off that turkey. We got to keep it

4:47

going. This is the most part I like. Oh,

4:50

yeah, turn it up a little bit. I'm

4:52

pulling up to a stoplight with the rolling

4:55

down my windows and smiling at everyone.

5:00

You showing off your bitty? Yeah, I

5:02

like this part the most. That'd

5:07

be good to shit to

5:10

that. I don't know why. Do

5:14

certain sounds make you sleepy? Like,

5:17

not sounds, but maybe just

5:19

sounds. I'm talking about

5:22

there's certain bands I listen to.

5:26

It's not just the vibe or that

5:28

they have sleepy music. It's literally the

5:30

tones they achieve in their instruments. You

5:32

know what I'm talking about? I

5:35

get what you're saying. You know what I mean? Like,

5:37

they make you... It

5:40

literally puts me to sleep. Relax, yeah,

5:42

yeah, yeah. It's like, is

5:44

it vibrating my bones in a certain

5:46

way? I don't know. You

5:49

know, Andra 3000 has got a new

5:51

album out that's all like ambient

5:53

instrumental music. And I turned it on to go

5:55

to sleep. And the music

5:57

that plays after that sounds...

6:00

insane. It's

6:02

a lot of noise. And so I

6:05

was just telling y'all about my Palm Springs trip. I

6:07

had the album playing in the room on

6:10

my phone to go

6:12

to sleep to it. I usually

6:14

go to sleep to the TV, but

6:16

the TV was kind of too close to the bed. The

6:18

Roku TV. They didn't have any of the apps hooked up

6:20

and I don't remember any of my passwords. So,

6:22

a lot of ads. So I

6:25

was just like, you know what? I'm just going to turn it off and

6:27

I'm going to turn on this I'm just going to sleep to that. And

6:30

my friend who was standing in the room across the

6:32

hall from me was like, yo, what was that you

6:34

were playing last? Like this morning it was, it sounded

6:36

like your alarm was going off and

6:39

it didn't wake me up like an alarm. But

6:42

it was the album. It was

6:44

the, after the I'm Spotify continues

6:46

to play, you know, auto

6:49

play music and it just takes you to like the,

6:51

the bowels of the ambient

6:53

sound on Spotify. So you

6:56

got to sleep through the,

6:59

through the Andre 3000. Yeah. Yeah. I got to

7:02

sleep through that. But in the morning it was just like

7:04

somebody throwing staples at a wall. That's

7:07

amazing. I don't know how you sleep to the

7:09

music. I can't do it. I

7:12

have trouble. I have like a white noise

7:14

machine. That music.

7:17

We cut to two

7:19

people who come up the first time. Oh,

7:22

that was great sex. Um,

7:24

but I do have to get to sleep. Yeah.

7:27

And if I put on a little

7:32

ambient noise, I guess you'd call it. Oh

7:35

no, not all. Yeah. No, that's great. If

7:37

you don't mind if I put like a, my,

7:40

uh, Andre

7:42

3000. The new album, the flute

7:49

one. I haven't heard it yet. I don't know. It was

7:51

an area. I mean, I just feel like it's really good

7:53

for it. It's really

7:55

good in 14 years. Yeah. I think pretty

7:58

new. I'm pretty excited by the. Like it's

8:00

good to get him to sleep. I just got to

8:02

watch out for that album that

8:04

comes up after. Okay.

8:09

Um, my,

8:12

um, being, it was a little different. Okay.

8:15

I guess this'll work. I

8:18

have a more of a whale sound

8:20

guy, more of an ocean guy. Do you mind if

8:23

I mix it in? No,

8:25

no, no, no, please. After

8:28

what just happened? Like,

8:31

I feel like we're really live. And yeah, I'm

8:33

still covered in comments, like being a million

8:35

ocean. Anyway, I've never, I've never shot that

8:38

much. It's crazy. I

8:40

usually get 12. I'll leave it all over myself,

8:44

but I do have to get

8:47

up early for work. So yeah,

8:49

no, this is that. Um,

8:53

I can't tell if this is

8:55

103,000 or whale. Do

9:02

you mind if I turn mine up just a little bit louder

9:04

than yours? Mm.

9:33

Sorry. I'm sorry. What's that? Sorry.

9:36

Sorry. What's that? You were trying to harmonize with the

9:38

whale at one point and that kind of threw me

9:41

off. Oh, I didn't mean to.

9:43

You know, you were doing that. No, I

9:45

felt, I think I was asleep. I'm sorry.

9:47

That was really. That was

9:49

really what's it called? Soper effect

9:51

music or whatever. I don't

9:53

even know. I think I do

9:55

need to get up early in the morning.

9:58

Okay. Oh, you know what

10:00

that was? I sometimes

10:02

snore. It

10:05

might've been. Did it just happen to harmonize with it? If

10:09

it did, like, I

10:12

don't see why you're complaining. I

10:15

mean, no, I'm so used to... I

10:21

know that does sound weird. Sounds

10:23

like it might. You might as well put on cats

10:26

purring instead. Um,

10:29

you can keep with Andre. It's your place,

10:31

like, so you can put whatever you want

10:33

on, but I don't like cats. I

10:36

don't like cats. That's

10:38

the thing. We

10:43

cut to the next morning. Hey,

10:45

Stacy, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.

10:49

Yeah, listen, I really

10:51

appreciate you allowing me to crash on

10:54

your couch. Uh,

10:57

I know I'm a dude and I said there was no,

11:00

like, vibe between us and

11:02

there isn't. Definitely not. But I will

11:04

tell you, I will

11:06

let you in on a little bit of a secret. I

11:09

do get to sleep

11:11

faster with the sounds of you having sex with

11:13

other dudes. Oh. Last

11:16

night, you turned on some bullshit. Thank you, I guess.

11:19

Yeah, no, it's a compliment. You have

11:21

a you, you, you, you moaned

11:23

like atonely, which is good for

11:25

me. Okay, but okay.

11:28

Last night, y'all turned on some

11:30

bullshit after you got done. Don

11:32

turned on that music that

11:34

Andre 3000 that and

11:37

also the whale sounds and the cats purring. I was

11:39

up all night tossing and turning. You want some coffee

11:41

by the way? Oh,

11:43

yeah, I do. I didn't get much

11:46

sleep either. Sorry. I didn't mean to

11:48

interrupt. But yeah, I'll take one if

11:50

you're making enough for two. If it's my problem.

11:53

Yeah, we are making enough for two. You are a third

11:55

person. Or a

11:58

third person. Where'd you pick up this guy? Well,

12:01

don't get mad at him. He helped put

12:03

you to sleep too. I didn't I didn't I'm

12:05

sorry. I'm sorry. We didn't meet last night You

12:09

were you were pretty blasted when

12:12

we got home I'm

12:16

all he just he sleeps here every once

12:18

in a while He's a friend of mine

12:20

that crashes, but we're not attracted to each

12:22

other. Not if he's attracted. No, I can

12:24

tell no moaning Yeah, I get it

12:27

is a tunnel right? It's an atonal moon

12:30

Yeah, that made it hard for me

12:32

to actually Stay

12:35

up Stay up when we

12:37

were doing it, you know what I mean? And we

12:39

cut to a year and a half later Look

12:45

is is dating a completely new

12:47

woman, but it is that same

12:49

moment and I Just

12:51

have to get to sleep. I'm gonna put on

12:53

this new of course Ambient

12:56

atonal moaning App

12:58

sound that's going around if you don't mind. Oh, yeah

13:12

Okay, I'm so sorry that

13:14

is so that is very cool

13:18

Yeah, have you ever was in the under a 3000 of Course

13:23

hey because like he's his new shit. Have you

13:25

heard it? No, it's like It's

13:30

super soporific The

13:33

the brand new one. Yeah

13:35

the most new one Put

13:37

it don't make you go right to bed.

13:40

It'll make you okay. I am There

13:45

we go You

13:52

see I'm saying That's

13:57

so nice minutes turned

14:00

into hours, turned

14:03

into days, in

14:06

years. And

14:10

the landlord never gets, the rent

14:12

doesn't get paid on this apartment,

14:15

but, uh, the landlord

14:17

dies of a heart attack and it's... That's

14:21

a sad building. gets

14:23

passed down, but this couple

14:25

that went to sleep sleeps

14:28

for hundreds of years. And

14:30

the music somehow provides

14:32

sustenance. It's

14:36

like Red Family Call. And

14:39

then one day the electricity goes out and

14:43

the music stops. About

14:46

340. Oh,

14:50

wow. What happened? That was a really

14:52

good sleep. His

14:54

newest album... Get out of my house? Who are

14:56

you beating up my... What the hell? What?

14:59

Nothing. You get out of

15:01

my apartment! Where does beard

15:03

come from? I

15:08

can't understand you at all. Trespassing.

15:13

Yeah, I'm gonna scratch you with these super long

15:15

nails if you don't get out of here. Left

15:24

on sketchup. Qmons. It's

15:26

a pretty good album. Pick it

15:28

up. So, what did

15:30

you do? What did you guys do for

15:32

Thanksgiving? We hear... A

15:37

little bit from Carl's trip. What about you,

15:39

Luca? Oh, I stayed in town. Uh,

15:43

and I hung out with my sister

15:45

who cares about holidays a lot. And

15:47

so, uh, I

15:49

used to like not give her that, like

15:51

a really cool guy. And like, uh, but

15:53

then she had a kid. And she's a

15:56

single mom, so... Uh,

15:58

because of my... because

16:00

I love a kid. I'm like, okay, fine. We

16:02

can do Thanksgiving stuff. But he

16:04

makes it better because he goes like, we're

16:07

going to have pizza and ice cream

16:09

cake. That's Thanksgiving. And I'm like, all

16:11

right, man. I like it. So

16:14

I did that. I watch sports. Oh,

16:16

and I got a root canal. Oh

16:19

yeah. Hopefully not on Thanksgiving. Not

16:22

on the exact day. Like

16:25

he said, she loves holidays.

16:27

Like he just hate holidays. I

16:30

just, I just don't like the

16:32

whole like, uh, forcing

16:35

everybody to do it at the same time. I

16:41

really feel like it should be staggered throughout

16:43

society. So like, is

16:45

that like, it's like, it's like

16:47

not every store like fucking closes

16:50

on this like 36

16:53

hour period. Oh

16:56

my God. Look, it's here. Hey,

17:00

hey man. Happy Thanksgiving. We

17:02

didn't expect you to show

17:04

up. Guys,

17:06

Lucas, Lucas is here. Lucas

17:09

is here. What? At Thanksgiving?

17:11

On Thanksgiving? He's not doing

17:13

his own Thanksgiving. No, he's

17:16

doing our Thanksgiving. He must've lost some cool

17:19

points. I guess so. Are

17:21

you all right, buddy? You need some money?

17:23

Um, no,

17:25

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like,

17:29

I normally hate Thanksgiving. It's crazy, but

17:31

like my sister and

17:33

her, uh, her son left, uh,

17:35

town and, uh, all of

17:38

a sudden I feel lonely. And,

17:40

uh, and I feel like, okay,

17:45

maybe, uh, maybe it is good to be

17:47

around people during holidays. Is

17:49

that Luca? Are

17:52

you having Thanksgiving on our Thanksgiving

17:54

this year? I mean,

17:56

like, I know that, like, I know that

17:58

like normally like. In terms

18:01

of I mean, it's not like a full

18:03

legal go-to-jail thing But it's like a daylight

18:05

savings thing like it's staggered and my

18:07

last name puts me in the other group

18:09

Where we celebrate it in December, but like

18:12

if I could have it with you, I

18:14

think that'd be cool Luca you're

18:16

talking too fast for grandma. She can't take all

18:18

this you're gonna mess up her equilibrium. I'm sorry.

18:20

I'm sorry So glad you're

18:22

finally having Thanksgiving with the rest

18:24

of the family Me

18:26

too. Is your Christmas still

18:28

in the summer? Yes,

18:31

yes, it is in the summer which is

18:34

when they think Jesus was born so

18:45

Don't get into this Luca jeez

18:47

grandma's not she can't handle this.

18:49

I just don't see what the deal is

18:51

It's like what is the matter with everyone?

18:54

Once you're right Christmas the same day 4th

18:56

of July I hear you had on October

18:58

3rd How's that possible

19:00

4th of July on October

19:02

3rd? What do you mean? How's it possible?

19:04

It's really dead I went I talked over

19:07

3rd and then I did all the 4th of July

19:09

stuff And I celebrated the

19:11

independence of the United States of America like

19:14

grandma grandma Take

19:16

some of your drama mean grandma. This guy is gonna get you in a

19:19

tizzy. Oh At

19:21

least he's here I'll go get him a slice

19:23

of Pumpkin pie. Oh,

19:26

I love pumpkin pie on

19:28

Thanksgiving finally Hey

19:32

listen, man You and

19:34

your weird traditions coming in here messing

19:36

up everybody's holiday. We're not gonna have

19:38

those weird traditions, man Yours your traditions

19:40

are weird. My traditions are not weird.

19:42

I stuck with this family. You decided

19:44

to leave. Okay, I'm the good son

19:46

You're the one who goes out here

19:48

and you celebrate all these crazy holidays

19:50

or other days You call all of

19:52

us six months after our birthday talking

19:54

about happy birthday. No, it's a rational

19:56

thing that I'm doing though I am

19:58

listen, man. I gave a I gave

20:00

up my career for this. I gave up my career to be

20:02

here for grandma, to be here for mom, to be here for

20:04

Uncle Chuck. I gave up

20:06

my career for this whole thing. So you don't come

20:08

waltzing in here like you're some good son and they're

20:10

all happy to see you. I don't wanna be the

20:12

good son. I don't wanna be the good son, bro.

20:15

It's okay, you get all that. I'm

20:17

so thankful you sacrificed your life for our family

20:19

and I didn't have to. I'm so beyond

20:22

thankful for that. So you get to move up to

20:24

New York City and celebrate holidays on the wrong fucking

20:26

day. Oh, you

20:28

boys fighting. No, no, no, no. When I

20:30

was fighting, I was just playing. I was

20:32

just happy to see my brother. Yeah.

20:35

I heard you celebrated my

20:37

funeral on my birthday this

20:39

year. Is that true? Oh,

20:41

God damn it. Well,

20:44

just let me explain, okay? Because

20:46

I'm not dead. The idea, what's that?

20:48

I'm not dead. Of course you're not

20:51

dead. But I

20:53

feel like the best way

20:55

to do this is once you get

20:57

within about five years or so, you

21:00

should go ahead and get that over with. Granny,

21:05

take them to the mail-in. Maybe years or so. That makes

21:07

sense, right? Drink

21:09

some of this Maylox, Granny. Drink some Maylox. What's

21:13

Maylox again? It's

21:16

like eggnog medicine. And how

21:18

about some eggnog on Thanksgiving?

21:23

Well, that's what I like. This

21:28

or... Doesn't matter how I

21:30

was prepared. Like, I fried turkey, and

21:32

the fried turkey is real juicy and

21:34

tasty. Well, that's good, yeah. I do

21:36

like fried most things, and I like

21:39

barbecued most things. Yeah. Speaking

21:41

of turkey on the barbecue is very good too.

21:46

I've gone to an uncle's house that did that. Yeah.

21:50

Smoked. But speaking of

21:52

the fryer, I don't know

21:54

if that's still a thing, fryer accidents, but

21:56

I just remember growing up in the South,

21:58

it seemed like you were... everything's giving

22:00

you here about someone operating

22:03

their fryer incorrectly. Yeah. And

22:05

lighting the whole backyard on

22:07

fire. What happens is they drop the turkey into

22:10

the grease too fast. And the turkey is usually

22:12

way too cold to be dropped in the grease.

22:14

You suppose to let that thing get to room

22:16

temp after you season it.

22:18

You let it. And we cut to

22:20

the backyard. And this is the uncle

22:22

in the middle of this explanation. All

22:25

right. Just hear him out. Hear him

22:27

out. I'm going down that shovel. I'm

22:29

sorry. We put it in now. We're all going

22:31

to be hungry. No, no,

22:33

no. Hear him out. Continue what you

22:36

were saying. It's too cold. What? The

22:38

turkey is too cold. The turkey needs

22:40

to come to room temp. That's why

22:42

you fry it to bring down how

22:44

cold it is. That's that's it now.

22:47

That's not how that's not how

22:49

science works. OK. Bring down the

22:51

cold and you bring what

22:57

you bring off the heat. Right. Carl

22:59

lives in Los Angeles. He knows he

23:01

knows science people. Go ahead, Carl. You

23:03

bring down the cold how you

23:05

put the turkey at room temp. You don't want

23:07

to drop a cold turkey in the hot oil. How

23:10

do you get room in the middle

23:13

of a backyard? Fuck L.A. That's

23:16

a good question. No, it's all right.

23:18

So it's just how

23:20

do you get it's a good question. How to get room

23:22

temp out in a backyard. You said it in the house.

23:24

We're going to leave it in the house and then we're

23:26

going to bring it out. And you stick one of those

23:29

thermometers in it and those are in depth. Listen,

23:31

why did you ask me to cook the turkey? If you

23:33

hate L.A. so much, why do I ask me to cook

23:35

the turkey? I like L.A. I

23:38

love L.A. Don't put that

23:40

song on again. We're

23:42

on. Carl,

23:46

look, it took a long time to get us all

23:48

out in the backyard. Now you're saying we got

23:50

to take the turkey back inside. No, why

23:52

didn't we do this before? Why

23:55

don't we do this before? The turkey is

23:57

too cold. The turkey, we didn't let the

23:59

turkey rest enough. after

24:01

we seasoned it. It ain't gonna take that much

24:03

longer. We cut to

24:05

45 minutes later and they've been around

24:07

the kitchen table with the

24:09

turkey just sitting there in the middle and they've all just

24:11

been looking at it. Can't we

24:13

just go watch football while it sits in

24:16

here and becomes room temp? Yeah, what do

24:18

we do? How

24:22

much longer, Carl? We can do

24:24

it in about 15 minutes. In about 15 minutes, we'll

24:26

be alright. That's

24:29

what you said 15 minutes ago,

24:31

man. Come on. It's done now.

24:33

It's done now. Go throw it

24:35

in now. Pause it in.

24:37

Alright. Fine. You think you're better than us because

24:39

you're from Los Angeles. That's not true. That is

24:41

not true. I don't think that. It's true. Listen,

24:44

let's go outside. Yeah. I'm

24:47

gonna add a couple sprigs of lemongrass inside

24:49

the turkey. It's gonna be really good. It's

24:51

the thing that we do in Los Angeles.

24:54

What? It's gonna

24:56

be some Thai turkey. Yes,

24:59

actually it is. A Thai turkey. Lemon

25:01

grass? Lemon grass and a peanut. We

25:04

see like a quarter of

25:06

the family go off into a living room. Alright,

25:08

let's just talk about this real quick. Like

25:11

I like Thai food but not on Thanksgiving.

25:13

I know. Can we turn the football

25:15

game on while we talk about this, please? They

25:17

went into the other room. Oh,

25:20

I thought we went into the other room. I thought we

25:22

went into the other room. Who's

25:25

we and who's they? Do

25:27

not talk religion. Or

25:31

politics. Or

25:33

football. I'm

25:35

gonna take the turkey outside now. Oh, it's ready.

25:37

It is. It's been 15 minutes of arguing.

25:39

It's ready. Let's do it. So

25:42

we cut to five minutes later and

25:44

they're all gathered around the fryer. Alright,

25:47

do we toss it in, throw it in, or drop it in? No,

25:50

none of those things. Don't get in. Don't

25:53

get in. Don't get in. No,

25:56

I'm gonna gently lower the

25:58

turkey into the... grease no

26:01

way yeah

26:03

you want to do it so holly bro you're

26:05

so out of you do you want to do

26:07

it do you want you guys won't do it

26:09

I'll go back to catch I'll catch my flight

26:11

back to LA right now I don't even eat

26:13

turkey I'm vegan what's

26:20

the matter with you man this is

26:23

disgusting shame on

26:25

you Carl people are just

26:27

a little hungry you put it in the

26:29

way you think it should be put in

26:31

and how do you describe putting in gently

26:34

doing what gently dropping it

26:36

in just slowly and gently dropping

26:38

it in it's a gentle drop

26:40

everyone it's not a dump or

26:42

a throw is it drop or

26:44

is it a lowering like a

26:46

lowering yes lowering that's a good

26:48

word lower my mind yeah all

26:50

right here we go everybody stand

26:52

back stand back back

26:56

I'll help no stand

26:58

back stand

27:00

back and stand by okay I'll

27:03

stand supposed to do what no

27:05

stand up I'm gonna eat it

27:08

back am I supposed to help

27:10

oh no splash

27:18

we only do thing about our man

27:20

don't back on fire everybody

27:23

please everybody watch

27:25

out stop driving road I'm

27:27

driving wrong after the song go we

27:29

need milk it's a

27:38

grease fire don't go water on it

27:43

oh my god He's

28:00

not everybody, he never

28:03

happened Cause he let

28:06

his guys know the time Left

28:09

on Sketchup Every time that song

28:11

comes on, people always say Oh,

28:14

you know he was singing that song

28:16

ironically Yeah, he was But

28:18

it doesn't matter He's from Los

28:20

Angeles, he does love Los Angeles He

28:23

just wasn't naming all the places that tourists would

28:25

want to hear him name It wasn't

28:27

like he hates L.A No,

28:30

I think he loves L.A so much that he can

28:32

make fun of it Yeah There

28:34

you go He's L.A all the way man He's

28:37

from here He's

28:39

a valley kid Yeah I

28:43

want you guys to weigh in on something I saw

28:46

over the weekend And not the

28:48

basketball tournament Oh, let's get to

28:50

that Let's do that then, let's

28:52

do that Let's do that, why wait? Cause I'm afraid

28:54

I'll never get out of it, I loved it so

28:56

much Yeah, I went

28:58

to see a

29:01

basketball tournament with my family

29:05

Over the Thanksgiving weekend There's

29:09

these college basketball tournaments everywhere

29:11

Yeah, the pre-conference ones, right?

29:14

Yeah, and they get good match

29:16

ups too That

29:20

will help when it comes tournament time

29:22

So it's always a lot of fun

29:25

Yeah, and this one, the Razorbacks

29:27

were 1 and 2 They

29:29

didn't do too great in

29:31

the tournament But I had a

29:33

really good time But I

29:36

want you guys to weigh in on

29:38

some observations This was an Atlantis, the

29:40

Atlantis thing? Yeah, the battle in

29:42

Atlantis Nice Which

29:45

is this really fun resort for

29:47

kids too Cause it's like

29:49

a waterslide paradise Where is

29:51

that at, is that Bahamas? Yeah,

29:55

it's beautiful How do they get blue

29:57

water, and our water's not blue talk

30:00

about that too much. Yeah. It's

30:04

depressing.

30:09

So I want to get into some specifics

30:11

since you guys are both basketball guys. So

30:15

one of the games, I'm a homer,

30:17

but I feel was ruined by

30:19

the referees calling way too many calls. Yeah.

30:24

And we got three technicals called

30:26

against us and we ended up losing by

30:28

five points. You could say we lost by

30:30

those technicals. We lost for a lot of

30:32

reasons, but what were the technicals? Well, that's

30:35

what I want to get into and get

30:37

your opinions on. Yeah. So the first technical

30:41

was a hand motion. Can you guess

30:43

what the hand motion was? No

30:46

word said after a

30:48

three-pointer, our player

30:51

turns towards their bench with a

30:54

hand motion. No words and

30:56

its hand motion gets the technical.

30:59

I would assume it was three

31:01

fingers. No. Wow. I wonder if that would

31:09

have gotten it or waving. No.

31:13

So it wasn't a blank quote unquote

31:15

obscene. Well, okay. So we

31:17

all know in basketball,

31:20

the one I know you can't do is

31:23

the cut throat. Yeah. Oh, I

31:25

didn't. I feel both levels. That's that's the

31:27

one that's like in the book you can't

31:29

do. I didn't. I don't know if any

31:31

other ones exist, but

31:33

he did a shooting motion.

31:35

Yeah. Like this. No, you

31:38

can't do that. You can't do that.

31:41

Right. Because but let's

31:43

parse why I agree. But isn't it

31:46

kind of funny that there's these lines

31:48

of and like the ones

31:50

Carl just did like three points. Three

31:54

points in the air, three points to the head. Like or

31:58

is Is it just anything

32:00

at that bench? Oh, I think that you

32:03

should be able to act like

32:05

you're shooting guns at the people, but you

32:08

can't do that is all I was saying. I don't

32:10

think you're allowed to do anything

32:12

towards the other team's bench in college. At

32:15

all? No taunting at all. No taunting towards the

32:17

other team's bench in college at all. That's probably

32:19

right. That might be right. No, you're not even allowed

32:21

to just like stare at them. Yeah. Can't

32:25

even turn to them. That

32:28

is such a bummer. And then we think you're

32:30

adults when you go to

32:32

the NBA, now you can turn to them.

32:34

Yeah. Now you're growing up and

32:36

you can mess with them. Okay,

32:39

let's cut to some NBA players that

32:41

are rookies. All right, good

32:43

practice. Let's just

32:46

have the rookies hang

32:48

out for a while. I'd love to. Get

32:50

some shots in, whatever. No, no, no, no.

32:52

Let's just sit down. We're going to talk

32:54

about some freedoms that you're about

32:56

to have that you didn't have in college. Do

32:59

you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, money. Money,

33:01

right? Financial freedom coach? Yeah.

33:05

You guys are getting some nice and I also. Yeah.

33:08

No, no, no. Other. You

33:12

want to make another guess? You have some

33:14

big freedoms coming your way. Wait, wait, wait,

33:16

wait, wait. Are you

33:18

talking about the way

33:20

we can have sexual even more people

33:23

than we did in college? Because

33:25

that's cool too. Look,

33:28

we don't have, you better check with the

33:31

differences between rules in Australia in here, buddy.

33:33

Okay. Anyway, no, let's keep focused.

33:37

Let's keep focused. We're talking about how

33:40

after you score a point

33:42

or get a big block shot, you

33:46

can now turn towards, you

33:48

know what I'm going to say, you can

33:50

turn towards their bench and do a lot

33:52

of things. No, coach, no, we couldn't do

33:54

that. No, coach. You're trying to get

33:56

out of trouble. We couldn't do that. Like

33:59

back in college. I got in trouble so

34:01

much. No, no, no, no, no. I'm here

34:03

representing the team. And I know you guys

34:05

have been trained throughout, but you're big boys

34:07

now. And this is, you're

34:09

able to drive. You're able to express yourself

34:11

in any way you want to towards the

34:14

other bench. So I'm gonna go there. This

34:16

is where being a man. If this is

34:18

true, if this is true, I got so many things I wanna

34:21

do. I've been working on it. You might grab a notebook out.

34:23

I got so many things I've been working on. Good,

34:25

good, good. Feel creative right now. This is the

34:27

good time. Feel creative. It's coming into your head.

34:31

Okay, let's try this. Okay, so the first thing, the

34:33

first thing I'd like to do is like, I like

34:35

to turn to the bench and do the

34:37

speech from Glenn Gary, Glenn Rowe. Oh,

34:40

the Alex always be closing? Always be

34:42

closing. Yeah, that's a fucking great speech,

34:44

man. Oh, ABC, that would be nice.

34:47

It might be a little long. Yeah,

34:51

yeah, yeah, no, it's gonna be long. It's gonna be long.

34:53

So if we can make some room for that. And if

34:55

you can press and play D as you do it and

34:58

keep them there. Or

35:00

another idea, not that yours

35:02

isn't better, is you

35:04

just say, you see this watch? It

35:09

costs more than you made last year. That's

35:11

part of the speech. Boom. I'm

35:14

glad you guys mentioned that, that as much as you had

35:16

the freedom of speech, you can't have props. You

35:19

can't have props? Yeah, because of Ocho Cinco

35:21

and then it felt that all kicked out.

35:23

Tell us, like, you know, Sanders, he

35:27

does the watch thing. Right, but you can't

35:29

actually wear a watch in the game. You

35:31

can mime anything. We do have a mime

35:33

workshop that we're gonna be doing next week

35:35

with the whole team. Okay. So

35:38

yeah, if you wanna mime expensive watches

35:40

on your wrist, that's fine, but you

35:42

can't actually have one. That

35:45

works. Good. Good.

35:48

Any other ideas you wanna run past me? You said you had a

35:50

bunch of ideas. Yeah, okay. I'm

35:52

stuck. I got another one. All

35:54

right. I make a shot.

35:57

It's a three point basket. Oh, great.

35:59

Turn around. I go sit on their

36:01

bench. I put on one of their jerseys and go I

36:03

need some help. Yeah. Yeah There's

36:07

no way that's a tactical right no way

36:11

Don't know I'm gonna have to check with I'm

36:13

gonna have to check with PR But I don't know

36:15

if we can wear their jersey just cuz of branding

36:17

and a lot of that kind of stuff I

36:21

thought you said that is a good I do

36:23

like keep getting on their pitch though and

36:25

pretending to be one of their players Okay, okay.

36:27

I got one. I got one this one It's

36:32

gotta be something we ought to be able to do now, so

36:34

I always in college want to do this but like When

36:37

coach told me not to do anything I stopped so

36:40

I'm gonna make I'm gonna make a little Shot

36:43

in the lane because I don't have the

36:45

range the Carl does and like and

36:48

then I'm gonna go over Run

36:50

I'm gonna run past their bench and say

36:52

why don't you guys go fuck your mom

36:54

some more? What

36:58

about that Wow, we do that That

37:01

is really old school. That's

37:03

vile What do

37:05

you mean man? That's fuck gets in their head man.

37:08

It's supposed to be sportsmanship Can

37:10

you talk to all other moms? No,

37:13

they need to go home

37:15

and fuck their mom some more. That's

37:17

great. Motherfuckers clear Okay,

37:20

you don't like that work Hmm

37:24

so I get a tactical for that I'm asking

37:28

The Kurt the cursing is that you can just

37:30

do yeah I don't think no your

37:33

man now you can say whatever you want. I can

37:35

say whatever you want All right. How

37:37

about this coach? I go over

37:39

I make a three I go over

37:41

to their basket I stripped their coach

37:43

naked put on his suit and go let me

37:45

drop a couple plays because he's not doing a

37:47

good job Yeah, yeah,

37:50

do you put his underwear on too? Yes.

37:53

Yeah Okay,

37:55

that's great. Someone Patrick Beverly tried

37:57

to do that in a game

37:59

last year and it's

38:02

hard removing a coach's vest. Do you think you

38:04

can do it real quickly but removing another man's

38:06

vest is difficult? My parents were in the circus.

38:19

Let's talk

38:21

some more about that. The

38:23

second tech, it was one

38:25

of those running

38:28

down the court like after

38:30

a basket and you know you're bumping into someone

38:32

but you're pretending like you're not. Yeah.

38:34

And you're like boom. But that felt like

38:36

really a tech because it wasn't like bam,

38:40

I just felt like. Like

38:42

bumping shoulders? Yeah, you know what

38:44

I'm talking about. You know the guys right here and

38:46

you're running backwards and you know you're gonna run into

38:49

them hard but. Was

38:51

this guy that ran into him hard? Had

38:54

he been causing trouble already? Like had a bad

38:57

thing with the refs already? Not

39:00

in this game. No, I'm joking. So

39:03

he did it to another player or to the ref? No

39:06

he did it to another player. Another player. Oh, did he?

39:08

If you look back at him then you get in trouble.

39:11

You can run through the guy but if you

39:13

like turn around like kind of like. I got

39:15

you. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't see

39:18

that. From my perspective, I

39:20

don't know if that happened. And the third

39:22

one was just something said. Under

39:26

breath next to a referee after every

39:28

made a call and don't you wonder

39:30

what that is? And that's

39:32

one of the like everyone the audience is our crowd

39:34

is like what? I wonder what he said. What do

39:36

you think he said? What

39:40

crosses the line? The

39:44

F for

39:48

like the fucking bullshit.

39:50

When Kobe got

39:52

in trouble for calling another

39:55

player and this was in the NBA. Yeah,

40:00

like the F word or you

40:03

know like fagg I Don't

40:05

think it was I have no idea But I

40:07

think it was just more of a complaint with

40:10

the vibe it had this tech a

40:12

complaint like on ref

40:16

Or that that was fucked Well, what

40:18

about what can a player be right

40:20

next to a referee and go that

40:23

was fucking bullshit I don't

40:25

think in at the college level they

40:27

can right? That's what I imagined it

40:29

was I think all those men the

40:31

coaches assistant coaches and roughs Look

40:34

down on those players as children and

40:36

don't want to be spoken to like

40:39

that and don't have to be

40:41

or something like that Anyway, and then

40:43

the very next year they go to the NBA

40:45

and they can they're just their slaves Yeah,

40:50

an NBA can you do that can you be

40:52

right next to a Raph

40:55

after a call and go that's fucking bullshit.

40:57

Yeah, it depends on it depends on their

40:59

discretion I will say I literally I went

41:01

to a Cooper game a couple nights ago

41:05

It was Dallas versus Clippers and Kyrie was really

41:07

getting into it with Tony brothers and they were

41:09

like really getting to it And I was sitting

41:11

pretty close So I heard them both talking and

41:14

Kyrie was going pretty hard at 20 brothers and Tony

41:16

brothers didn't take him up But

41:18

I bet I think with the NBA is probably

41:20

more like levels to it So like if you're

41:22

like some young rookie who ain't who's new and

41:25

you come talking shit to Tony brothers He's gonna take

41:27

the shit out of you and probably in the game

41:32

Kyrie LeBron, you know if you are a

41:34

vet and like a legendary player You

41:37

can probably say a little bit more to the room

41:39

I mean unless you're like, I don't know what Tyree's

41:41

like reputation is But if you like have like the

41:44

Rashid Walbus thing where like the rest yeah the players

41:46

Paul George is kind of like that too for some

41:48

reason I don't know why cuz he's not the same

41:51

he doesn't have the same attitude as Rashi,

41:53

but he he just got fined thirty five

41:55

thousand You know

41:58

Draymond got suspended five games Is

42:00

based on his his his reputation they always

42:02

talk about his history in his reputation Rodman

42:05

at that too. Yeah, Robin at that too College-wise

42:10

I think they I mean I think you can get

42:12

I mean attack depending

42:14

on the conference Like it

42:17

kicked like Kansas my team like I

42:19

like I wouldn't be surprised if it's

42:21

some of those road games reason I

42:23

don't like if you go Jesus

42:26

fucking Christ Oh,

42:32

geez, oh

42:34

geez a little frickin wheeze We

42:39

cut to a it's Restaurants

42:42

about to open the waitstaff is getting

42:45

this instructions So

42:47

I know we got a

42:49

couple of new waiters on staff just

42:51

remember we kind of have tiers of

42:54

customers out there and If

42:57

it's a new customer don't allow absolutely

43:03

If they curse at you or throw food

43:05

at you do not

43:07

tolerate that That's what we're

43:10

like we can punch them we can like get

43:12

out of we go. No, we'll kick them out

43:14

of restaurant I want to get you in trouble.

43:16

Okay. I'm just saying smart don't we

43:18

we kind of have tiers of customers out

43:21

there and If

43:24

it's a new customer don't allow Absolutely

43:29

If they curse at you or throw food

43:31

at you do not

43:33

tolerate that But in what

43:36

word like we can punch them we can like

43:38

get out of we go. No, we'll kick them

43:40

out of restaurant I want to get you in

43:42

trouble. Okay. I'm just saying smart Don't

43:44

let anyone hit you in the face of the biscuit

43:46

and call you a fuckhead If

43:49

it's their first time in the restaurant, you're

43:51

saying I'll not tear though that lower tier

43:54

boss, I I just got

43:56

a couple questions for you you you say if this their

43:58

first time we don't allow them to do that but I

44:01

don't want anybody throwing a biscuit at my head. Well

44:03

you might be in the wrong business, man. Oh,

44:06

not even a fifth-year customer? Yeah,

44:08

like a fifth. I don't

44:10

really have a ranking of customers. If somebody throws a

44:12

biscuit at my head, I'm gonna bop them one. What

44:16

if they tip $100? Wait a minute, you don't

44:18

even throw a biscuit back at them? No. You're

44:21

gonna bop them? I'm gonna give them these two biscuits.

44:24

Okay, guys, we have some top,

44:28

some five fifth-tier customers

44:30

here. Not many. Believe

44:33

me, it takes a while. We

44:35

have maybe at most 10 fifth-tier

44:39

customers. They come in here. I

44:42

would take, they can slap me in the head

44:44

with a ribeye. That's

44:47

crazy. You should respect it a while. Yeah.

44:50

They can throw Caesar salad dressing in my

44:52

eyes. Is this a... Sorry,

44:55

I'm sorry. Is this a... Because both of

44:57

you guys seem to be on the same page and I'm the

44:59

one that's not here. Is this a thing that happens in this

45:01

restaurant? What? It happens in every

45:03

restaurant if you worked there long enough, my friend. Yeah,

45:05

I mean, I've been in a lot of restaurants. I'm

45:07

newer here, but like I do know that like no

45:10

offense to anybody here, but this isn't like

45:12

the best restaurant. So like if

45:14

you got a five-tier person, then that's a very...

45:17

Can I just give an example? Obama

45:19

is a fifth-tier, five-tier and he comes in

45:21

here a lot. And

45:24

he has thrown... Well, a

45:26

rival mom? Yeah. Oh, okay.

45:29

Do I have to use both of... Yeah. So

45:31

I think... Who's going to his... His

45:33

Kenyan father? Yeah, a woman. Or

45:36

his brother that went for Trump, you know. The

45:38

Obama, he comes in here and he has thrown

45:40

biscuits. It's

45:42

usually at other customers, but you know, fifth-tier.

45:46

Taylor Swift. She's a fourth-tier.

45:50

She's not a fifth-tier. You

45:54

put Taylor Swift on the same tier as

45:56

Barack Obama? You fucking crazy. Listen, please don't

45:58

schedule me any shit for this dude. I

46:01

can't work with this guy. Well, I mean if we're just talking

46:04

that she's dating two-tier

46:08

Yeah, you're just seat them at the same

46:10

table that is Travis Kelsey He

46:13

threw a biscuit at a waiter. We

46:15

had to jack his shit up in the alley That's

46:18

tough right because he's strong, right? You

46:21

don't think we have some strong busboys working here. I

46:24

haven't seen them Please

46:27

don't schedule me with this guy. Do not schedule

46:30

me with this guy. With me?

46:32

Yes you. I don't want to work on

46:34

the same shit that's here, right? Carl

46:38

I think you have a little bit add to I

46:40

mean one day you're gonna be a fifth-tier Custom

46:44

right a nice restaurant and you're gonna want to

46:46

throw a biscuit at someone's head or

46:48

slap him With a ribeye

46:50

and you know, a little soft piece of bread man.

46:52

Come on. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna want to

46:54

do that I don't think I'm gonna want to do

46:56

that. First of all the bread here at Texas

46:59

Roadhouse is way too good That's

47:01

number one. So I'm not gonna want to waste it And

47:04

if I remember I'm gonna remember where I came from and

47:07

I'm gonna remember when I was a worker and

47:09

when years later Photos

47:13

going off as the internet Here

47:15

he is right back here to

47:17

your your table mr. Tard if

47:20

you know, thank you so much made a D You

47:22

know, I used to I you're

47:24

not gonna believe this but I used to work here. Oh Everyone

47:27

knows you're a legend around here. We use

47:30

we we use stories of your

47:33

working here to teach The

47:35

waiters how to I'm sorry. I'm stammering. I'm

47:38

very nervous. It's okay. I have your autograph

47:40

Autograph, you know, the most public

47:43

thing about me is that I don't sign autographs You

47:45

motherfucker Oh Whoa,

47:47

oh Yeah,

47:51

take this Roadhouse sushi for your ass You've

47:54

a quote from you in a frame in

47:56

the kitchen saying you'd never do that. Oh

47:58

my god Oh my god, I remember

48:01

saying that. Oh my god.

48:03

I forgot where I came from. Yeah,

48:05

you did. Forgot where you came

48:08

from indeed. I'm

48:10

sorry. Here's $6,000. This

48:15

is the future. This is nothing. Yeah, I know.

48:17

It's like a 20 in my body. Yeah.

48:34

Let's talk some more about that. So

48:36

humans, I'm on the way to this

48:38

tournament. I'm sitting in LAX and just

48:40

eating some food next to some people.

48:44

I noticed they're wearing college

48:47

basketball merch. And

48:52

I hear them speaking

48:54

about NIL. Name

48:58

image likeness money and

49:00

how much her son is getting

49:02

paid. And I'm eavesdropping.

49:06

But per game, so

49:09

listener, if you don't know what NIL means, name

49:12

image likeness for the

49:15

very recently now college

49:18

athletes can license

49:22

their name, image or likeness

49:25

for advertising purposes or

49:29

have these basically these funds of

49:31

boosters from these colleges just outright

49:34

just give them money. Or just

49:36

like do ads for like, for like the

49:38

car dealership or whatever. Yeah. It's a way

49:41

for them to, instead of illegally get paid.

49:43

Yes. Illegally paid. Yeah. Yeah. And it,

49:45

and it's happening on, it's from car

49:49

dealership, barbecue restaurant to

49:52

mysterious funds that no one knows

49:54

what's going on with them. And

49:57

state to state, it

49:59

being vastly different in the

50:01

laws covering it and the

50:03

oversight going on. It's

50:06

crazy out there in other words. And there's a thing

50:08

called the transfer portal for those of you who don't

50:11

know. Where it used to be if

50:13

you transfer you have to sit out a year. It

50:15

was very costly just like in terms of your eligibility.

50:18

Right now and they're still deciding it but you can it seems

50:21

like for now you can just

50:24

you can just move willy nilly. I

50:27

think a good highest bidder just today

50:29

I was reading the I think the

50:31

Washington quarterback is being offered a million

50:33

dollars by

50:36

five different colleges to come play

50:39

just right away. Oh panics or how do

50:41

you say that? Michael Penning? No I'm

50:43

saying the wrong guy then. Something

50:45

warred maybe he's from another

50:48

place. It doesn't matter. But

50:51

how we're playing a game now how much do you

50:53

think she's me eavesdropping how much

50:56

was her son and he didn't start

50:58

either. What program later yours? No

51:02

mid major. I'm not gonna dock this

51:04

woman. A mid

51:06

major program and he doesn't start.

51:10

I'm gonna throw my man ninety

51:12

thousand a year. So

51:16

like that's low. So

51:18

like a like a like a couple

51:20

thousand a few thousand a game or wait what is

51:23

that. They play

51:25

like what twenty games right. Yeah twenty five

51:27

games. Yeah. So

51:29

you think that's low that's lower than what you were.

51:33

She said my son miss

51:36

I'm totally eavesdropping but what

51:38

I understood she was talking

51:40

about. Yeah eight thousand

51:42

dollars a game. And

51:45

she was complaining that another kid on the

51:47

team was making ten a game. That

51:51

is because her son was better. But

51:54

he don't start. I

51:57

don't know if they other I don't I don't think the other

51:59

kids. started either. But I

52:02

and I didn't know that till later when I looked

52:04

when I started to put two and two together and

52:06

figure out who her son was. But not

52:09

that that matters. He could be starting next

52:11

year too. That's really nice

52:13

money. Imagine what the next

52:15

level up is getting like, like, and

52:18

also why do you necessarily go because

52:21

not a price going to the NBA?

52:23

Yeah. Yeah. So it gives

52:26

a lot better reason to stay in college.

52:29

Yeah, most of our years are to go to instead of

52:31

going to Europe or whatever. Right? I mean, wrong. 8,000 a

52:33

game times 25 games. Oh, 200,000. Yeah,

52:39

that's pretty good. And also, there's

52:42

a cost for some a lot of these guys that

52:44

go into Europe or Australia or whatever. It's not like

52:46

they won't do it. But like, if you can play

52:48

me your home, or whatever,

52:51

for a little bit and make about the same

52:53

amount of money or something like that, and then

52:55

go one up. Crazy

52:59

world. But it's not like the

53:01

pro world because you're not in contracts. Yeah,

53:04

like you said, you can jump into that

53:06

transfer portal. And there's some guys

53:08

like I'm talking a little out of my

53:11

ass, but didn't Archie Manning get like a

53:13

million dollars? And I don't think he's barely

53:15

played it all for Texas. Yeah, Arch Manning's

53:17

NIL is like $2 million. He

53:19

just got some he just got his first snaps last

53:21

game. Oh, he did get stopped. He did get some

53:23

snaps. They were beat. They were garbage. 40, 40 points.

53:27

I thought they're like redshirting him this year or

53:29

something like that. I think he makes transfer. Yeah,

53:32

he should transfer. You

53:34

just ran for? Yeah. Oh, just for more

53:37

money. What you know, because he's not getting

53:39

playing time. Yeah, what year is Queen? You're

53:41

such fun. Listen,

53:44

we're interested. But the good

53:46

players don't stay till they're seniors. No.

53:49

Well, a man in my life.

53:53

No, you were keyed transferred to Texas

53:55

in 2022. From where? From

53:58

from Ohio State. Use it back.

54:00

Ohio State didn't transfer to Texas. So

54:03

now Arches his

54:05

backup Are

54:07

I think that's in the game? Well,

54:09

I think arch can compete in the spring

54:12

and if he doesn't feel he's coming close

54:14

to you Then he could transfer or something

54:16

about they're saying Queen you is might go to

54:18

the league to do

54:22

The guy we just been talking about

54:24

Queen you were the Ohio State guy

54:26

No, the guy who's now the Longhorns

54:28

guy. No, no, I from Ohio State.

54:30

Yeah. Yeah No

54:34

arch is gonna be I just

54:37

have to I mean, how is he not gonna be good he's a

54:39

man The

54:42

point I'm making is it's a bummer if

54:44

you're a booster He's given two million dollars

54:46

and he could be like you said I'll

54:48

wait till spring and then he can just

54:50

be gone. You're like, oh my god. Yeah

54:52

blue it you just wasted two million Yeah,

54:54

well, you're an NFL. They're in a contract

54:56

and you can trade or whatever. That's absolutely

54:59

true. I feel like If

55:01

you're given two million to that You

55:05

got two million to burn Definitely.

55:08

It's all imagine like the local barbecue restaurant

55:10

that's giving a kid two million dollars It's

55:18

the end of the year well, we had

55:20

a pretty good year where it looks like

55:22

we're $15,000 in the black All

55:27

right So now we just need to

55:29

talk about We

55:31

saved it last. Yeah, cuz I

55:33

know there was some arguments last year and

55:35

this whole and I all things new But

55:38

how much of the now if he was gonna

55:41

stay let's just be upfront about that We didn't

55:43

know if he was gonna stay right? We knew

55:45

that Yeah

55:49

Are we going to refinance

55:51

the restaurant again? and Take

55:55

our profits from this year as well

55:57

to add to the NIL fund I

56:00

got a question on the table. Bill, I swear to

56:02

God, I swear to God, I will divorce you today.

56:05

I will divorce you today, Bill. She

56:07

doesn't get football, man. She doesn't get

56:09

it. She doesn't get football. Let's just

56:11

weigh it. Let's just be fair and

56:13

just weigh everything. Let's be rational, okay?

56:15

Right. Let's do pros and

56:18

cons. Bill, I gave

56:20

up a career in Hollywood. I

56:22

was beautiful in the early 90s. I

56:25

looked just like Pamela Anderson. That's

56:27

why you married me. Do we have to

56:30

hear about, I knew Carl Tart. I did

56:32

TV with Carl Tart again. I

56:35

don't want to hear that story. I did TV

56:37

with Carl Tart. He

56:39

came in a Texas Roadhouse and we

56:41

fucked. Oh, no. That's

56:44

not a brag, man. It

56:46

is a brag. Come on. Listen.

56:50

All right. Let's just all be reasonable. Let's

56:52

start with the cons of spending all

56:54

of our profits. Okay. That's

56:57

the most for giving

56:59

as much money to arch as

57:02

possible. And I do

57:04

like to call Mark that

57:06

I feel like it's my responsibility to make

57:08

the case, which is that what

57:11

we do here is stupid.

57:15

And what he does by

57:17

playing for Texas football is

57:19

one of the greatest things he can do on Earth. Right.

57:23

But he didn't actually play. He

57:25

never played this year. Well, no. He

57:28

did some snaps. He took seven snaps.

57:31

Well, that's seven snaps. Not

57:33

zero. And also. So that's what,

57:35

let's figure the math on this. I

57:38

mean, whatever the math is interesting. That's $157,000

57:40

per snap. Sounds

57:44

like a deal to me. I

57:48

will leave this family in the dust if

57:50

you guys are going to continue to ruin

57:52

my life. Do you know what I had?

57:55

Do you know what makeup I had to

57:57

use last year for the, I had to

57:59

burn. my own ashes to make

58:01

eyeliner. I had to take lead out

58:04

of pencils to make eyeliner. We are

58:06

losing too much money trying to give

58:08

it to these kids. I

58:11

had the makeup you had to make

58:13

out of nothing because you couldn't afford

58:15

it. Yes, yes. I'm

58:17

so sick of you two.

58:19

We have our own children.

58:21

Yeah. Well, our child,

58:24

if our child was arch manning, oh

58:27

my God. Oh,

58:29

we wouldn't have all these problems.

58:31

Our son has muscular dystrophy. He

58:33

has muscular dystrophy. He can't be

58:36

arch manning. Right. Exactly. So we

58:38

have not produced any,

58:42

I mean, you're talking about my nephew

58:45

here, but like. Yes. You are his

58:47

brother. You are my husband's brother. Listen,

58:49

like. It's like arch manning

58:52

is related to, oh my

58:54

God. Let's listen. Well, his

58:56

uncles are Eli. Peyton. Let's

58:59

look at their photos up

59:02

on the wall. Yeah. The

59:04

beloved mannings. I can't believe this.

59:06

All of my things will be out of the house tonight. All

59:09

I'm saying is

59:11

one more year. Y'all

59:13

promised me I will be the

59:16

queen of barbecue here in Austin,

59:18

Texas. And I am the

59:20

queen of shit. The

59:24

queen of dog shit. We cut to the

59:26

state fair and it's the

59:29

judge is walking around. He's just done

59:31

the big pies contest. Nice work coming

59:33

over to the barbecue section. It's coming

59:35

over to our section. Honey, look good.

59:37

Oh shit. Hello

59:41

judge. How you doing? How's

59:43

the big pies tasting this year? Well,

59:46

rich and delicious. I don't know if

59:48

your barbecue is going to compete, but

59:50

I can't wait to find out. I

59:53

always love to follow the

59:55

pies with the barbecue. Well,

59:57

I want to introduce you to my wife. She

1:00:00

is the queen of

1:00:02

barbecue. Hello, Judge.

1:00:05

Oh my, she's gorgeous. Okay,

1:00:09

thank you, Judge. Sorry, sorry,

1:00:12

sorry. Sorry, once I got past

1:00:14

60, I

1:00:17

just say things that are on my mind. Anyway, what

1:00:20

do we have here in terms of the barbecue? Well,

1:00:23

this is a pulled pork and he starts to

1:00:25

taste, he moves it. Oh, wow. Did you hear

1:00:27

that? That was

1:00:29

the judge of all the food contests,

1:00:32

not just the barbecue sauce. And he

1:00:34

acknowledged your existence as the queen of

1:00:36

barbecue. I told you. Shut

1:00:39

up, I am leaving you. I'm

1:00:42

going to Hollywood to marry Carl Tart. Hey.

1:00:45

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

1:00:48

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

1:00:52

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

1:00:55

Hey. Hey. Hey.

1:00:58

To unlock the bonus scene, you

1:01:00

must subscribe to the ad-free version

1:01:02

of the show, exclusively

1:01:05

available at improv4humans.com.

1:01:08

Let's talk some more about that. So

1:01:11

I engaged with the referee. The

1:01:14

referee shouldn't engage with me, right? Well, it depends

1:01:16

on where you're sitting. Where are you sitting? I

1:01:21

wasn't sitting on the court. I was sitting

1:01:24

behind the basket, like row C. Okay.

1:01:28

What'd you say? I said. Go

1:01:32

fuck your mom some more. No, I never

1:01:34

curse. I started

1:01:36

laughing when you started saying, I came here all the

1:01:38

way from Cleveland, because that's what flashed through my brain.

1:01:40

Because it was during the second game, I was like,

1:01:43

am I not going to be able to come to

1:01:45

the third game? But

1:01:48

I said, I

1:01:53

said, and I'm pretty, I can project.

1:01:55

I may not be the best

1:01:58

fan, but I'm the loudest fan. I

1:02:00

know how and I'm an actor. I can settle

1:02:02

on it. Yeah. And

1:02:06

these courts are basically high

1:02:08

school size. So if

1:02:10

you pick that moment right after the

1:02:12

music stops right before the free throw,

1:02:15

you can get in a nice clear

1:02:18

moment. And

1:02:20

I said. My name is Matt Batser.

1:02:22

I am DB. I said, I've heard

1:02:24

trees filled with birds whistle

1:02:27

less. And

1:02:39

he walked over. They took a

1:02:41

free throw and then it was one of those timeouts

1:02:44

they did. We tweet a free throw and then he

1:02:46

walked over towards me and he and

1:02:48

he said, what'd you say or something

1:02:50

like that? What was that? Yeah. And

1:02:52

then I went, you and then

1:02:54

I said it really slowly. You

1:02:56

said it again. What did you say so

1:02:58

fully like you're making fun of

1:03:00

him? Like I

1:03:02

said. No, no, not like he's

1:03:05

a dummy. No, I just went. I said like

1:03:07

you couldn't hear me. I

1:03:10

went, you whistle more than a

1:03:12

tree filled with birds. I feel

1:03:14

like that is such a inoffensive.

1:03:19

You're not cursing. Yeah.

1:03:24

I mean, it's almost cute. Yeah. So

1:03:27

what did he especially with the ref

1:03:29

sucks chant going on? Yeah. It

1:03:32

was like, oh, okay. And then he walked

1:03:34

away. He just stared me down. He was

1:03:36

jacked to like he he could kick my

1:03:38

ass and then he any

1:03:40

other situation. Every round. Here's

1:03:45

what I think about riffs. Refs

1:03:48

are cops. They take on the same

1:03:50

mentality as police. They

1:03:52

feel like they are there to regulate the

1:03:54

game and keep everybody safe and all this

1:03:56

BS, but they do not want to be

1:03:58

talked down to. talk back to

1:04:01

like they are police. They think they

1:04:04

deserve this level of respect that they

1:04:06

really don't deserve. They probably don't get paid as

1:04:08

much as they should. You know,

1:04:11

that's a huge part of it. If it's in, especially

1:04:13

if it's in the pros, you

1:04:15

guys are getting paid nothing and these other guys

1:04:17

are getting paid like so much. I

1:04:20

am definitely, when it comes to baseball, I definitely

1:04:22

think behind the plate should be a robot. I

1:04:25

do. I know that it's harder.

1:04:27

I know that it's harder. That's

1:04:31

the real thing people talk about. Yeah.

1:04:33

I know that it's harder for the

1:04:36

other, for like for the bases,

1:04:39

for the base judges, but for behind

1:04:41

the plate, there should be no reason that should be a

1:04:43

person back. Let's figure it out. Yeah. I win the

1:04:45

argument. What's the argument against it at this point? Tradition. Yeah.

1:04:48

It's like the traditional like,

1:04:51

what's next kind of thing. Yeah. Like, let's

1:04:53

robotize the whole game except for the players

1:04:55

you don't go like that. Angel

1:04:59

Hernandez. That guy,

1:05:01

if there's compilations on YouTube of

1:05:04

Angel Hernandez making terrible calls. There is,

1:05:06

there is, what is teams? There's,

1:05:09

Angel Hernandez. He's Latino. But

1:05:16

he, he has

1:05:18

his, like they've spoken out against him

1:05:20

a million times and he

1:05:22

keeps, I think the league is afraid of him suing

1:05:25

them. Yeah. Like Scott Foster, right? Yeah.

1:05:28

Does he have him by the ball

1:05:31

suit? Yeah. Like, that, that Paul

1:05:33

has trouble. So corrupt. That's crazy.

1:05:35

Yeah. You know that

1:05:37

after the Donaghy situation, he calls Scott Foster 117 times

1:05:39

over the next, like

1:05:41

two days. Yes, exactly.

1:05:43

Yeah. And then when, and it was from the

1:05:45

phone that you, That's a lot of calls. From the phone

1:05:48

that he used to gamble. Donaghy

1:05:50

used the betting ref. Yeah.

1:05:52

Yeah. He got caught betting and they said after

1:05:54

he got found out, he called Scott Foster 117

1:05:57

times. It's got never answered. See, I knew that the

1:05:59

ball. about the drug. He's like, I want

1:06:01

to call you so many times they're gonna

1:06:03

question you. You

1:06:06

motherfucker. Why

1:06:10

aren't you answering that phone? He's called you. Look,

1:06:13

because you know, 104 times

1:06:15

because I know why he's

1:06:18

calling me. Have you been watching

1:06:20

it? Have you been watching

1:06:22

ESPN? Yes, because you have it on

1:06:24

every channel in the entire house. You

1:06:26

just answer the phone and talk to

1:06:28

him. I'm not talking to him. You

1:06:30

don't want to talk. I

1:06:33

think after 104 calls,

1:06:36

he should get that picture. Well,

1:06:39

oh, there it goes again. We can't

1:06:41

get to sleep. This is the middle of the

1:06:43

night. You need to block his phone or something.

1:06:45

I'm sorry I can't put it on silent, but

1:06:47

what if there's a real emergency? Please leave your

1:06:49

message after the tone. Hey, hey,

1:06:52

this message is a message for Scott.

1:06:54

Listen, man. It's him. Listen, man. I

1:06:56

know I've been trying to call. I

1:06:58

just, I just want to talk. I'm

1:07:00

just trying to have a conversation. I'm

1:07:02

not even talking about what's going on.

1:07:04

Like ESPN, I just want to talk

1:07:06

about something else. I wanted to see

1:07:08

how the kids were. I wanted to see

1:07:10

how to call me back motherfucker. Pause. Pause.

1:07:13

I know. Okay. You heard most of the

1:07:15

message there, right? Like you, you hear that

1:07:17

that's bullshit. Nobody calls on or no one

1:07:19

ever ask about our kids. No one ever

1:07:22

compliments how pretty I am. But

1:07:25

no one ever a

1:07:27

very handsome woman. And you haven't said

1:07:29

that in many years. You're handsome as

1:07:31

hell. Only when I ask. Okay. That

1:07:34

was really, you really lay on the

1:07:36

handsome. Well, I think it's appropriate. You're

1:07:38

handsome and that's

1:07:40

a compliment. I will not accept the thought.

1:07:43

My point is that if

1:07:46

he cared about the kids, he

1:07:48

wouldn't be calling a hundred and four. Okay.

1:07:50

There it's going again. Just pick up and

1:07:52

talk to him. That's fine. If he calls

1:07:55

again, I'll pick up. Otherwise

1:07:58

ring, ring, ring, ring. Just

1:08:01

please, I have to get up for

1:08:04

work tomorrow. Hey man,

1:08:06

don't make me- Hey, hey, what's going on man? How you

1:08:08

doing man? I ain't talked to you in a minute. I

1:08:10

don't know what's going on with you. You just called me

1:08:12

105 times. Oh, is that how many times

1:08:14

it was? I thought it was like three. Nah, it was

1:08:17

way more than three man. Uh,

1:08:19

hey, so, you know, just wanted to check

1:08:21

in with you. About what? And,

1:08:24

you know, just with your family. So how's your family? How's

1:08:26

your handsome wife? She's

1:08:29

beautifully handsome, as always. Yeah. And

1:08:32

what else you want to talk about? Yeah,

1:08:34

just that I'm headed

1:08:37

out. I'm traveling a little bit. I'm going

1:08:39

to go down to Columbia. Good for you,

1:08:41

yeah. You move around, yeah. Start

1:08:43

something new. And I also

1:08:45

just wanted to tell you that if you say anything to the

1:08:47

fucking court system, I'll have you killed. And scene!

1:08:51

That is why! Humans,

1:08:56

this has been great talking basketball

1:08:58

with two of my sports buddies

1:09:00

and then improvising on it. See,

1:09:02

anything can be the inspiration for

1:09:04

improv. That's what we proved today.

1:09:09

College basketball. Especially

1:09:11

college basketball. So

1:09:14

do you guys want to plug anything or

1:09:16

tell people where to find you on

1:09:18

social media when you are plugging something? Carl?

1:09:22

Uh, yeah. Listen to the Flagrant Ones.

1:09:24

I got three podcasts right now you

1:09:26

should check out. Two sports based and

1:09:28

one gossip girl based. The real trifecta.

1:09:31

We got the Flagrant Ones

1:09:34

on patreon.com/flagrantones. Check

1:09:36

that out. It's hosted by me, Hayes Davenport, and Shawn

1:09:38

Clements. It's a basketball podcast. We're in full swing right

1:09:40

now talking about professional hoops. And

1:09:43

then I got a podcast called

1:09:45

Foosball that I host with my buddies Ryan

1:09:47

Meharry and Greg Gallant. And that's all things

1:09:49

the Shield. That's all football, all NFL, fantasy,

1:09:52

gambling, all that good stuff. That's wherever you

1:09:54

get your podcasts. You can find them. The

1:09:56

first one's on Patreon. The second one's on

1:09:58

wherever you get your podcasts. One is gossip

1:10:00

Kings XOXO gossip Kings. I host with my buddy

1:10:03

Lamar woods We are doing a rewatch of the

1:10:05

gossip girl series, but it's really just us kind

1:10:07

of talking So tune in

1:10:09

it out when I want to find out wherever you

1:10:11

get your podcast doing I'm on Instagram at damn it

1:10:13

called the a mmi TC ARL now

1:10:15

that I thought a plug Brett Morris It's

1:10:19

a good one My

1:10:21

fantasy. Yeah, that's my worst fantasy

1:10:23

year ever mine, too

1:10:26

I am terrible. I got a team I

1:10:28

went through this advanced analytics So

1:10:30

we made a league for foosballs And we got a bunch of

1:10:32

people in and I made a

1:10:34

team that my team is stacked like

1:10:37

great players every week And I

1:10:39

put it through an advanced analytics machine It

1:10:41

said that my team has underperformed by seven

1:10:43

fantasy points negative seven fantasy points every week

1:10:46

of the season and I'm currently sitting at

1:10:48

Three and eight like I

1:10:50

and my team is good. I hadn't I didn't want to

1:10:53

trade anybody I didn't want anybody have

1:10:55

say Quan Barkley. I have burrows.

1:10:57

I have

1:10:59

cup So that

1:11:01

says it all. Yeah, what's up with cup? Is

1:11:03

he healthy? No, no, he came

1:11:05

back one game and he didn't he didn't Pay

1:11:08

now, but it's the tough fantasy.

1:11:11

I don't I'm in four leagues. I don't think I'm gonna

1:11:13

playoffs in any of them No,

1:11:15

this is top three quarterbacks of fantasy

1:11:18

Right now Patrick

1:11:20

Mahomes Lamar Jackson CJ

1:11:23

Stroud. Yeah up there. He's

1:11:25

doing great. It's Herbert Herbert's nowhere Herbert is not

1:11:28

up there and it sucks. It sucks what's happening

1:11:30

to her his career. He's getting his career ruined

1:11:32

by this damn team He's gonna get a race

1:11:34

though. She's gonna get a new coach right? He

1:11:36

needs one All

1:11:38

right, Luca. You got a place we can find you.

1:11:41

Oh, yeah, I I'm

1:11:43

gonna be In

1:11:46

a movie called code 3 I had a

1:11:48

like couple scenes with like your

1:11:50

friend Ron Riggle and and And

1:11:55

some other fun people and I don't know when that's

1:11:57

coming out and then I'm on Instagram it Luca

1:12:00

Jovetic, my real name. But

1:12:03

if you just type in Luca Jones, you can find

1:12:05

it. But I'm really boring, so grab yourself. Code

1:12:10

three humans and improv

1:12:12

for four humans for

1:12:14

humans. improvforhumans.com is our

1:12:16

platform, Brett. And we

1:12:18

have so many things going on there, I don't even wanna

1:12:20

get into it. But you should go there and look into

1:12:22

it and see that just for $40, you

1:12:25

can be part of the entire

1:12:28

experience. Keep being

1:12:30

human. Improv for humans

1:12:32

is produced by Matt Besser and Brett

1:12:35

Morris. Please rate and review

1:12:37

wherever you get your podcasts. For

1:12:39

ad free archives, bonus scenes

1:12:42

from the new episodes, exclusive

1:12:44

discord access, new

1:12:46

deep dive podcasts into the craft

1:12:48

of improv, plus music and sci-fi

1:12:50

bonus shows and premium limited

1:12:52

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1:12:55

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1:12:57

only $4 a month or $40 a year. By

1:13:02

subscribing, you are giving us the ability

1:13:04

to pay our brilliant guests and

1:13:07

giving us all a platform for

1:13:09

more interaction and lots more comedy.