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0:32

Human, you are entering an improvised

0:34

comedy show restricted to humans

0:36

only. Improv for humans

0:38

with Matt Besser. Based

0:41

on your suggestions and other sources

0:43

of inspiration, Matt and guests

0:45

will perform fully improvised

0:46

scenes. Today's episode

0:49

features QMOM guests, Andy

0:51

Daly, Katie Depard, and

0:53

Vic Nicholas.

0:57

Welcome to

0:58

Improv for Humans with Matt

1:01

Besser. That is me,

1:03

Vic. Welcome back, Katie. Welcome

1:05

back. Katie, I always think

1:08

of you this time of year, Halloween

1:09

time of year, because

1:12

I know you love Halloween. And I feel

1:14

like you like

1:16

horror movies, right? I'm not making this

1:19

up. You're a huge fan of horror movies. You write

1:21

horror movies, in fact, professionally.

1:25

Famous horror movie writer.

1:28

I don't want to diminutize by just saying you're a fan

1:31

when you actually make them. But my

1:33

question, we'll get to Vic and Brett,

1:36

you know, amateur horror movie

1:38

lovers.

1:39

Give me

1:42

your top three

1:44

horror movies all time. Okay.

1:47

I would say Halloween, Silence

1:50

of the Lambs, and Jaws. Oh,

1:52

okay. Classics. I

1:56

should say, you guys can hear me fine,

1:58

right? Yeah. Because of my, okay. And

2:01

I am a horror fan, but

2:03

I'm not one of those horror fans that's like, oh,

2:05

you have to see this movie from 1963 that

2:08

I'm the only one that has a copy of like my

2:11

library of knowledge of horror movies

2:13

is not why I just

2:14

watched the 1973 I think. Right.

2:18

Yeah.

2:21

So I really love the classic. So it's it's

2:23

nice. It's like a more of a popcorn horror

2:26

movie fan. It's not the ones no one's heard of, like,

2:29

but I say, John, that's not a deep cut.

2:32

No, it's

2:32

not. But it also in a way was surprising

2:35

to me. And it is a horror movie.

2:37

It is a horror movie. I don't know why I don't put

2:40

it there. I did the same math in my

2:42

head. I was like, yeah, it is a horror movie.

2:44

That blew my mind a little bit. I

2:48

think I put

2:48

it in my brain in the monster

2:51

movie category,

2:53

which maybe I don't put

2:55

in the horror movie genre. I

2:57

don't know why. Well, I

2:59

think we forget how scary

3:01

it was when it came out. You know what I mean?

3:03

Like, I think I didn't see it in

3:05

the theaters when it came out. But I imagine if I had,

3:07

that would have been a really terrifying experience.

3:10

And because it's summer and it's so bright. And

3:12

it's real. It's daylight. Yeah.

3:15

It's real. So now I'm arguing with myself. It's

3:17

not a monster because you could envision it. Like,

3:19

I don't think Godzilla is going to happen to me.

3:22

But I think I could go to Florida and

3:24

die by shark. Right. Probably

3:27

very likely. Okay.

3:32

Are you guys checking in for the

3:34

weekend till Monday? Yes.

3:37

Thank you so much.

3:39

And I was wondering, did you get my call about

3:42

upgrading us to the junior suite?

3:43

Yes. And we can do that.

3:47

Just a little warning on that. The

3:49

view you'll have is of the beach,

3:51

which is normally a good thing. But

3:54

there's been a lot of shark attacks out

3:56

on our beach. And

3:59

so they're removing some. bodies. So you

4:01

might want to just keep your curtains closed

4:04

today. And I'm sure they'll have those bodies

4:06

out of there by tomorrow unless,

4:10

well, I'm sure they'll have it out of there. Why would they not? Even

4:13

if it's a crime scene, I guess they'd

4:15

have the bodies out of there. I'm sorry. And our...

4:18

Check out time is 11am on Monday. Yeah.

4:20

Thank you so much. Just actually be there real quick.

4:23

So our view

4:24

is of this,

4:26

as you're describing it, a crime scene.

4:29

I don't know why I

4:31

said that. I mean, it'd only be a crime

4:33

scene if somehow people were

4:35

controlling sharks. And

4:37

there's a movie about that. So that's always in the back of my

4:39

head and it seems possible. Hey,

4:43

I'm sorry. Matt, can

4:45

I talk to you for a second? Yeah.

4:48

Apparently someone is controlling sharks out

4:51

there.

4:51

So is that what the police are

4:53

saying? It is an active crime scene now.

4:55

So just... I

4:58

heard...

4:58

I saw the internet rumors, but now it's true.

5:00

It's active.

5:02

It's ongoing. So if you can just

5:05

offer her something to sweeten. Sure.

5:08

Maybe an 1115 checkout instead

5:10

of 11.

5:13

I'll use the checkout. Okay. Okay.

5:17

Hey, good news. Okay. I

5:19

spoke to my manager and she's willing

5:21

to let you check out at 1115 because of all

5:23

the hassle with the crime

5:25

scene out there. And I should tell you, it is definitely

5:27

a crime scene at this point because those

5:30

sharks are being controlled by radio.

5:34

That's for the internet. Okay. I

5:36

shouldn't say that. I don't know how they're being controlled, but they are being controlled

5:39

because it's an active crime scene.

5:40

Absolutely. So I don't know if there's a note in your

5:42

file anywhere. Me and my

5:45

husband... Well, my student because we're

5:47

actually here because we were supposed to get married on the beach. So if that

5:49

is looking like it's not going to happen, we're probably... Oh,

5:53

I'm trying to get married on the beach. I don't

5:55

know.

5:56

I don't know. I can't believe the

5:58

sharks aren't coming onto the beach. They had

6:00

to drag. You can't

6:02

have a crime scene out in the water

6:04

because it's just. Hey Matt. Yeah.

6:08

Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.

6:10

Actually two things.

6:13

One can you ask her if she's willing. Well first

6:15

it is actually sharks dragging

6:17

people off the beach into the

6:19

water. That's number one. Number

6:22

two we have a big party coming in

6:24

at 1130 tomorrow. Can you ask her

6:26

if she can check out at 1110 instead of 1115?

6:29

I got to take five minutes back.

6:31

If you can that would be great.

6:33

Okay can I give her extra towels?

6:37

One.

6:39

Okay thank you. Okay.

6:43

Hey Morgan news. Okay.

6:46

Manager authorized you guys an

6:48

extra towel. I'm gonna make it a beach towel. Those

6:50

are our largest towels. Bad

6:53

news got to take five minutes from that checkout

6:56

time. It's gonna be 1110 now

6:58

but that's still 10 extra minutes. Okay

7:00

your name is Matt right? Mm-hmm.

7:02

Hey Matt we're gonna go ahead and

7:05

we're gonna cancel our reservation. So if you

7:07

want to process a refund for us that would be fantastic.

7:10

Why? Why? We

7:12

have the deposit down you guys are having a beach wedding.

7:15

Yes I mean I was able to have a really lovely

7:17

beach wedding. You're now saying that.

7:19

It's a big beach out there. You don't have to face

7:21

the crime scene. Well

7:22

I mean what if we get a little too close to the water. I

7:24

mean I understand that the sharks can only get us as

7:26

you said if we're in the water but

7:29

I still think it's a little bit of a risk.

7:32

The

7:32

beach is technically in the water where the waves

7:34

hit the beach because a shark

7:36

can still get I don't know how they do

7:38

it. They're being manipulated. Anyway

7:42

they're somehow getting up on the beach and dragging back

7:44

in the I guess that's a thing they can do. But

7:47

not too far up the beach. You don't have to be right there. You

7:49

don't want to get water on your wedding

7:52

dress. Yeah

7:54

I guess that's true. Up on the beach more right.

7:57

Okay two towels. I'm not going to ask my

7:59

manager.

7:59

Two more towels. Two more

8:02

towels for our room.

8:04

I mean one more in addition to the one I already

8:06

gave you. Yes.

8:08

So we get an extra towel is what you're telling me.

8:10

Hi. How are

8:12

you? I'm the manager. Oh, hi. Hello. How's

8:15

everyone doing? Oh, I knew we were a little

8:18

set. I'm not gonna lie. It's kind of seeming like

8:20

our wedding is maybe gonna be ruined

8:22

and our beach view that we were looking to get upgraded to

8:24

is actually overlooking what

8:27

we're learning is now an active

8:28

crime scene. So that's a little bit of setting. I'm

8:30

not gonna lie. I'm telling you.

8:32

2021, you know. Yeah.

8:34

Mm-hmm. I'm sorry. I'm always saying

8:36

this year. 2021, is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah. Right.

8:43

Listen, we if you

8:45

want to cancel we obviously

8:47

cannot give you your deposit back and we

8:50

will have to charge an extra $150 per

8:53

night because

8:56

we

8:56

have been offended by this move.

8:59

That is in the writing when

9:01

you

9:02

signed online.

9:04

The writing

9:06

for when you

9:09

That's part of the writing.

9:12

Okay, you know what? Can

9:16

you just get us a room that does not overlook the beach?

9:19

We're gonna stay in the hotel for the number of nights

9:21

that we booked

9:22

and then we're gonna get out of here. Okay? So can you

9:24

just get us a maybe just a room? Overlooking

9:26

the pocket pot. That's the one that you had before you asked for the upgrade.

9:29

Well, I didn't know about that, Matt. So if you can

9:31

just go ahead and change our room, that would be fantastic.

9:34

Okay? This is already in the

9:35

room. I was gonna take you in the room you were and not

9:37

do the upgrade.

9:39

Well, can we un-upgrade our room then perhaps?

9:42

And just get through the weekend. That would be fantastic.

9:46

Sorry, it's a lot of this a

9:48

lot of this is a real roller coaster. I'm not trying

9:50

to...

9:51

I'm the one taking us on a roller coaster this weekend.

9:53

This is my... I'm the one that's running

9:55

the weekend for you guys. This is my... It's okay.

9:59

man and you know that's

10:02

a lot of our guests died in the

10:04

last 48 hours so you know they've

10:06

had a few more problems in your house. Why

10:09

are we

10:09

open this weekend? Why are we

10:11

allowing more guests to come in? I guess is my big question.

10:16

Well we can't close the hotel.

10:19

I don't know. I feel

10:21

like the mayor are having these arguments

10:23

over the tourism and is it

10:26

going to ruin the town?

10:27

It's like this is the most this is

10:29

the time we're gonna get the most tourists. Mm-hmm.

10:33

So

10:34

I

10:35

accept your apology but we

10:38

hold

10:41

on. How

10:43

does 1130.

10:57

Andy Daly welcome to the show.

10:59

Hi I'm late. Top

11:01

three horror

11:03

films in your opinion.

11:05

Your top three favorite horror films

11:07

of all time please. Not a genre

11:10

that I am able to enjoy. I

11:15

would say Halloween is

11:17

a special movie.

11:21

I also enjoyed the novelization

11:24

of Halloween. They did a nice job with that. Interesting.

11:28

Abin and Costello meet Frankenstein. Oh

11:30

come on. Check

11:32

it out sometime. It's funny when it wants to

11:34

be funny and scary when it needs to be scary.

11:38

It's really good. Okay.

11:40

You

11:42

got to check it out. It's really good. And then I

11:45

can I think of a third scary movie

11:47

horror movie. No I don't think

11:49

not see Abin Costello meets

11:52

Frankenstein making the top

11:54

three movies. All

11:56

right. The if I press to come up

11:59

with a third I would say the. mummy and I don't even

12:01

know if that qualified the mummy one the

12:04

one with the what's

12:06

his name Boris Karloff no

12:08

no no I've done the more in a frazier Brennan

12:11

Fraser yes I

12:13

don't think

12:15

I've ever seen that one is that a horror movie

12:18

I don't know but if it is

12:21

it's in my top three I thought

12:23

it was like an adventure yeah

12:25

it's a little more of an action of

12:29

it

12:29

Brett what about you this

12:32

is a very stuff guy you're

12:35

in like this black metal t-shirt

12:37

you know it's gonna be fucking

12:39

brutal stuff no abby's cause hello

12:41

around it's surrounded by gear

12:43

right I'm trying to

12:45

think of stuff that hasn't been mentioned exorcist

12:48

obviously I think to me is number one

12:51

but uh funny games

12:53

the Austrian one

12:56

actually I called Danielle you

12:58

cannot watch this movie

13:03

no it really leaves you not what bad

13:06

yeah feel good after it and

13:08

it can make you feel paranoid oh

13:11

yeah cuz like once again it seems

13:13

like it could be real seems so real

13:16

the Austrian one I've heard bad things about

13:18

the American one but

13:20

um and

13:24

for me as a kid this is very I

13:26

think just personal to my life but poltergeist

13:29

poltergeist to yeah scared

13:32

the shit out of me because the old

13:34

man in it that old man was

13:37

actually dying while they were shooting

13:40

it so he just looks

13:43

is that true yeah he was actually

13:45

like on the verge of death and they knew that and

13:48

they knew that I yeah I'm pretty

13:50

sure I don't even know the plot I

13:52

can't remember who you're talking about who's

13:55

the old guy in the plot he had

13:57

like this like hot patty

13:59

is

13:59

a Looks like this old old like it's

14:02

he I don't know his name but you

14:04

if you saw his face She's like, oh, yeah

14:06

that

14:07

guy like even if you don't remember the movie I I don't

14:09

even remember exactly his thing But

14:11

he comes by and warns the kid

14:13

and scares them and and seems

14:16

to know about the supernatural No,

14:18

it sounds like the character just did Kid

14:24

yeah Oh

14:28

Terrifying no, I feel bad like

14:31

R. Do you feel good? I guess he knew he was dying

14:33

if they knew and he was like I get

14:35

to do this last Thing before

14:38

I die. I remember there was a scene where the teenage

14:41

boy his braces Start

14:45

flipping out and all the wires like come

14:47

out of it and wrap him up in the bathroom

14:50

Almost like build a cocoon from his braces

14:53

And I just remember as a young kid knowing

14:55

I'm gonna get braces Someday

14:57

like that scared the shit out of me. I Just

15:00

hope that actor like they didn't call

15:02

him like three hours before they needed him.

15:05

You know what I mean? Like I hope that they They

15:09

were respectful the AD department was respectful

15:11

of his time. He didn't have to spend half the day in the trailer.

15:13

Let's do that I

15:19

Yes, hello Brandon, are you are

15:21

you awake? I'm yes, I'm awake.

15:23

I'm not wasting any time sleeping

15:26

on this couch I've got they

15:28

tell me I've got six weeks for great

15:30

things. Yep. You tell me that every

15:32

time I knock on the door I know last

15:35

week. I told you was seven and now it's six

15:38

Yeah, I mean you update me Yeah,

15:40

we need to get we need to do a touch-up

15:42

on hair makeup needs to touch up

15:45

a touch up why that's more

15:47

time I don't have I was just in there.

15:49

I

15:49

was in the chair a half an hour They

15:51

need to work on the they need

15:53

it to look like the winds hit your hair

15:56

And it looks they need to make it look a messy for

15:58

the off. I need to work on it For ice sake,

16:01

if you think people are gonna sit there saying his

16:03

hair's not messy enough, you're

16:05

in bigger trouble than you think. Can we shoot? When

16:08

are we shooting? Can we shoot? Okay,

16:11

we gotta get you in a golf cart because

16:13

the hair and makeup is up

16:15

under the waterfall right now. That's the only

16:18

place they can do it.

16:19

Under the waterfall? Yeah,

16:21

because they gotta be in the cliff for the scene

16:23

where you get pushed off. If we're going

16:26

to the set, I'm happy.

16:28

Let's put me in anything that's going to the

16:30

set I want to shoot in here all morning.

16:34

Can we get a car for Mr. Brandon? Absolutely.

16:37

Coming through. Okay,

16:40

good morning Mr. Brandon. How are

16:42

you doing? Listen,

16:45

this whole morning, my

16:47

wife would love to spend some time with me, okay?

16:50

And I've been sitting here, I got here, seven

16:52

o'clock. I had a food call

16:55

and I've been cooling my heels. I've had two

16:57

breakfasts. Absolutely. And

16:59

the TV in my trailer doesn't work

17:01

at all. Still working on that bacon? That

17:05

plate of bacon? I'm keeping

17:07

it because I don't know how long, nobody tells me how

17:09

long it is, till lunch, half the

17:12

time we're calling Grace and it's

17:14

an extra

17:15

hour till lunch. This is a mess.

17:17

Okay, you left a plate of bacon in here last

17:20

night and the ants got

17:22

in. And so if you want to take that

17:24

bacon home or let me know. I

17:28

mean, are you sure you want to pick a fight

17:30

with me? Ants and bacon,

17:33

I had six weeks. I got

17:35

six weeks left. I have time to

17:37

argue about bacon. All right,

17:39

let's get Mr. Brandon up. Let's get him in

17:41

the cart up to under the waterfall

17:44

for a close scene that we probably

17:46

will do for before lunch. But if we

17:48

don't do it before lunch, we'll bring him back down

17:51

here to the trailer. Let

17:53

me sit on the back of the cart. I like to sit on

17:55

the back. Would you please? No, probably. Thank

17:58

you very much. I like to sit on the back. I

18:01

never say anything. I take whatever seats available,

18:03

but I six weeks left. I like to sit on

18:05

the back. I need some ice

18:07

up there too under the waterfall. Can we

18:10

put some ice in here with you, Mr. Brandon on your

18:12

lap? No, are you kidding me?

18:14

There's no other place to put that. Can

18:16

it go anyplace else? Six

18:18

weeks! Ice on my lap!

18:21

All right, and we are moving. Thank you so much, Mr.

18:23

Brandon. Tracy, hair and makeup. Are you ready for Mr.

18:25

Brandon? Yeah,

18:28

Ellen Burstyn is in here right

18:30

now and when we finish with her, then we will be ready.

18:36

So we're ready, but we'll let you know when we're ready.

18:38

Fantastic. Thank you so much.

18:40

Wait a minute. They're

18:42

where we're going. We're going to where they are? That

18:45

is correct. Okay. And maybe

18:48

I never asked for this, but maybe they can bounce

18:51

Burstyn for a few minutes to

18:53

take care of my touch-ups. I never do that. Kurt,

18:57

this is Matt back at Trailer. Gina

18:59

Rowland, she wants to come to her

19:01

makeup early.

19:03

Absolutely. We will come back down and grab

19:05

her right now. Mr. Brandon? What?

19:08

We're going to take the scenic tour of the lot. You're very,

19:10

very lucky.

19:11

I bet, sweetheart. I've been working

19:13

on this lot since 1955. I've seen every

19:17

damn corner of this lot. You don't have

19:19

to drive me around.

19:20

Okay. Well, we are going back to

19:22

Trailer. So if there's anything that you need to grab,

19:25

this is your lucky day because we can go grab that for you. I

19:28

just came from the Trailer. Unbelievable. We've

19:31

got to turn around again. Merrill wants to

19:33

come back from set to the Trailers,

19:35

and I think you're closer to the set now.

19:38

Merrill needs to go back to the Trailers. Okay,

19:41

great. Thank you so much, Matt. Okay, so good news, Mr. Brandon.

19:43

We are actually going to be going to set right now. Oh,

19:46

my God. Hey, can you take these turns a little

19:48

more gently? I'm sitting back in the back of

19:50

the golf cart with a bucket of ice on my

19:52

left.

19:53

I wish I could, but actually, this is

19:55

my first time driving anything. It's pretty exciting.

19:58

I told them I didn't have a license, and they said,

19:59

I said, okay, yeah, I'll try. And

20:04

so this is sort of my first, like, experience,

20:06

experience. So thank you for the feedback.

20:09

I'm going to say thank you. I actually want to be a director

20:11

one day. So I was hoping to see you

20:14

like, chat with you about your process maybe a little

20:16

bit as an after. It's a hard bump. He

20:18

goes flying out of the car. Yeah.

20:21

Okay. We cut to 15 minutes

20:23

later, he's in hair and makeup. Unbelievable.

20:28

I'm so sorry about the wait.

20:32

Ellen Burstyn just got upset

20:35

and got a little heated in

20:37

here, as you can see. Let me ask you,

20:39

how much longer does Ellen Burstyn have to

20:41

live? Do you have any idea? Well,

20:45

it's so funny you say that because she did say. She said

20:47

she did. She

20:50

had a good eight years, I think. Okay.

20:53

Okay. I got six weeks.

20:56

If I'm lucky, who knows how much time that

20:58

golf cart accident took off the total. Has

21:03

anyone put lashes on you before?

21:07

Listen, like, we got a rule

21:09

on this thing. We got, I don't know.

21:12

Yeah, I mean, in the 50s, they did all kinds

21:14

of things. Do

21:17

whatever you want. We got a rule. I don't

21:19

want any extra anything. Can we please?

21:21

Of course. I'm Jeannie from Props. I got to put the

21:23

squibs on you while you're in hair and makeup. You

21:26

don't mind. The squibs? What

21:28

the hell? What is this scene, by the way? I

21:31

don't know. You get the shot by a machine gun at

21:34

the top of the cliff, and then you fall off the

21:36

cliff into the rapids. It's

21:39

shot from a distance. It's

21:42

pretty far away. Yeah, the close-up's tomorrow.

21:45

Yeah.

21:46

This sounds terrible.

21:48

Listen, I don't have my camera

21:50

on me for continuity. I'm going to

21:52

do a mold of your face. Just

21:56

a quick mold, a quick mold. Guys,

21:58

can we get a quick mold on?

21:59

What do you mean? Quikimold. What

22:02

are you, you're gonna mix up cement

22:04

and put my face in it? Yeah.

22:07

We cut to an hour later, they have, he has mold

22:10

over his face and straws up in his nose

22:12

so he can breathe. Sir,

22:15

I'm so sorry. Ellen

22:18

needs to come back in. She

22:21

wants a touch up. So we're gonna put you on the golf

22:23

cart like this and you're gonna get a tour of the lot

22:26

and then we're gonna call you back in when Ellen's done.

22:28

Good morning, Mr. Brandon. Happy to see you again. And

22:31

I'm, it's actually

22:31

a really good opportunity because

22:32

I have a screenplay idea. It's

22:36

about a photo and a son. Let's

22:40

talk some more about that.

22:46

Oh man, that reminded me of two stories.

22:49

So

22:52

is it Jeff Bridges?

22:56

Or there's someone else who looks like Jeff

22:58

Bridges, so he's confused. Jeff Daniels,

23:01

his names. One

23:03

of them was a host on SNL

23:07

and got a face cast and

23:09

they did the wrong mix and

23:12

the, he was

23:15

stuck in the cast like

23:17

all the way up to Showtime and it's a famous

23:20

like SNL story. That's

23:23

so funny. And the makeup

23:26

guy for all three seasons of UCB,

23:28

he was the guy

23:31

who did it.

23:33

And the way he tells the story,

23:35

if

23:36

he got thrown under the bus

23:39

for what was someone else's mistake,

23:41

if someone else had filed like where

23:44

this special kind of mixture

23:46

is, they had put it in the wrong place. So

23:49

he had grabbed what is

23:51

usually in the right place. You

23:54

know what I'm saying? It

23:57

sounds like a little rascals plot. Putting

24:01

plaster in the washing machine or something.

24:05

But that's how he told it that

24:08

it wasn't his fault and he

24:10

did the mixture right. They had given him the wrong

24:12

ingredients or something like that. Would

24:15

he let go for it? Yeah.

24:17

Wow. Yeah,

24:20

that's pretty bad.

24:22

So where was the hard

24:24

cement supposed to go that the face plaster

24:26

ended up? Yeah,

24:28

I think it was more like it's

24:30

a mixture of things versus

24:33

one thing. I don't know. I didn't truly

24:35

understand it. But it

24:38

is hard to imagine that person

24:40

for the rest of his life going, yeah,

24:43

look, I fucked up. I did. I

24:45

completely screwed up. It was entirely

24:48

my fault and I thought they were right to fire me.

24:51

And here I am just doing my best all

24:54

these years later. That's true,

24:56

but he didn't have to tell me the story at all and

24:58

I wouldn't have known.

25:01

I mean, that would be the right thing to do if he did fuck

25:04

up. It'd be the right thing to tell people that, but it's

25:06

hard to imagine someone doing that.

25:08

Oh, God. But if that

25:10

is how it went down, I can see

25:13

how that would drive someone mad the rest

25:15

of their life. Like someone filed it for him.

25:18

That would make me crazy. Yeah,

25:21

that's a defining moment. Hey,

25:25

so we're excited to

25:28

be interviewing you for this job. You've had your

25:30

resumes incredible. I can't believe you worked

25:33

on all of those newer Planet of the Apes

25:35

movies.

25:37

Those are great. They look amazing. You're

25:40

like at the top of your amazing,

25:42

amazing, amazing.

25:43

But I just did want to point out,

25:45

it just seems like you have not,

25:47

you've been taking some time off, which

25:50

is great. I'm always

25:52

in favor of that, but kind of wondering like,

25:55

what have you been up to

25:57

for like, how long have you worked

25:59

on any projects?

25:59

like

26:01

almost a decade. That sounds great to

26:03

me by the way. I'd love to do that. What have

26:05

you been up to? Can

26:08

you take who you've spoken to?

26:13

No, you know what? Did

26:15

someone tell you something?

26:19

No, I

26:21

was going to get into some of the folks that you

26:23

worked with in the past. I just haven't had the

26:25

chance to do it. I was going to call...

26:28

Yeah, I would go... I

26:31

feel like if I were you just to save you time,

26:33

I would go... I would... You

26:35

don't need to... The last job,

26:38

I don't think there's anything interesting there.

26:41

But if you go before that, that's

26:44

a great group. That's a great group. That was

26:46

the first Planet of the Apes remake.

26:50

The first one... Well, the picture I

26:52

did after that, I

26:57

would just... I didn't even... Yeah,

27:00

that is... So I did work... I

27:04

did work and then I didn't

27:09

and then I said, I want to work again.

27:13

Okay. You know, this business

27:15

is a tough business. You know, show business, it's

27:17

tough business. It's brutal. It's

27:20

brutal.

27:20

We got to an hour

27:22

later where he's calling the

27:25

line producer of that movie for... Hello?

27:28

Hey, what's going on? Hey, it's Andy.

27:30

How are you? Hey,

27:33

buddy. Yeah, I've been working in a while, man.

27:36

I know, I know. I just wanted to ask

27:38

you some questions about... We were talking to this makeup

27:40

artist, Katie,

27:42

who worked with you on... Katie,

27:47

wait a minute. Yeah. I'm not sure what the project...

27:49

The Monkey Maker?

27:51

The Monkey Maker. She did work...

27:53

Yeah, she worked on Planet of the Apes. Yeah.

27:56

I'll never forget Katie, my friend. Oh,

27:58

okay. What's the story? Well,

28:01

she made people look...

28:04

I'm getting another call. Just hang on one second. I

28:06

want to hear this. I need to hear this.

28:08

Hang on. Hello? Listen,

28:11

sometimes you're not... They don't give you enough time. Oh, hi. Hey.

28:14

You know what I mean? How are you? It's

28:17

Katie. They don't give you enough time. So,

28:19

when you have a thousand extras

28:21

that are supposed to look like monkeys, you're

28:24

going to... You know what you're

28:26

going to do? You're going to save time and you're going to throw several

28:28

monkeys in there. Well, just one second. Hang on one second.

28:30

I'll be right back with you. Hello?

28:33

Hey. Hey, buddy.

28:36

Yeah, I got to go. I just

28:38

wanted to tell you real quick. Yeah,

28:40

the monkey maker, Katie the monkey maker. I can't remember

28:43

her last name. But

28:45

she was in charge of the extras. She did a bang

28:47

up job in that she made them look like monkeys.

28:50

She ended up throwing real monkeys in there.

28:53

The extras couldn't get their hair off or

28:56

their fake hair off. Okay. Do

28:59

you feel like you gave her

29:01

enough time? Just beside

29:03

the point, these people were mauled?

29:06

That's interesting. Some of these people to this very

29:08

day still look like monkeys. Can you give

29:10

me one second? Just one second. Please just

29:12

hold on one second. Yes.

29:14

Hello. You know what's interesting

29:16

too is that everyone...some

29:19

of the extras had fake makeup

29:21

blood on them

29:23

for the scene. Yeah. So

29:26

when people were, they say mauled

29:29

because it's Hollywood and it's

29:31

dramatic.

29:33

But it made a little more than it

29:35

was. Are you listening, are you listening? Because I'm actually

29:37

right now I'm on the other line with

29:39

Matt who worked on the project with you. I'm

29:42

not done here. Did you have time to play catch today?

29:45

Who's that? Who's that?

29:47

Where are you talking to? Dad, you. I was

29:50

hoping you

29:50

could play catch today. I'm not. I'm not.

29:52

I'm not.

29:54

Dad, you. I was hoping... Who's

29:56

playing catch today? I was hoping. I know

29:58

you're on the phone but you said maybe if you had some time.

29:59

time before someone's office plays catch. We

30:02

cut to like a couple of weeks later

30:04

and Katie does not

30:07

end up getting the job. She feels that she

30:09

needs to kind of make peace

30:12

with her past. So she goes to this,

30:15

there's this community right outside of

30:19

Hollywood, a county

30:22

over in Santa Clarita

30:24

where this group of

30:26

people who are on that movie have now all

30:29

lived together because they were all mauled and some

30:31

of them still have the makeup that they were never able

30:33

to remove and she just goes

30:36

there. She's going there to make

30:38

amends and we see her pulling

30:40

into the gated community. Hello

30:45

Outlander!

30:51

Hi, how are you?

30:53

I'm

30:54

coming to visit. I have brought this basket

30:56

of fruit with me.

30:58

That's

31:04

Katie.

31:05

That's Katie the monkey maker! You're here

31:07

to remember me? Katie the monkey maker! Are you

31:09

here to remember me? The monkey maker! Papa, who is

31:11

this? The monkey

31:12

maker! This is the woman who made me a

31:14

monkey. Papa,

31:17

why did she do this to you? Good question.

31:19

We've been wanting to know that for years. Yes,

31:23

that is Katie the monkey maker. One day of extra work

31:25

for me and a lifetime

31:27

of being a

31:31

mauled monkey. Okay,

31:35

they told me they wanted it to look

31:37

real. Okay, you have a thousand extras that you

31:40

need to make look real. And

31:42

I thought I could just mix them in there. And

31:46

you guys were all such great extras. I mean, look

31:49

at, even now, look at the drama and the flair

31:51

in which you speak. You

31:55

never had your shot acting. And I feel like I'm

31:57

going to

31:58

be a little bit more of a fan.

31:59

Look at my four children. I

32:02

can't let them go to school. How

32:05

embarrassing would it be to have

32:07

a monkey drive you to school

32:09

and a soccer practice? K.J.,

32:12

a monkey maker. Let me

32:15

address a couple things I seem to have

32:17

done wrong. One was I brought

32:19

real monkeys onto the set that mauled

32:21

some of you. Yes, it was terrible.

32:24

It seems that I also applied

32:26

some kind of permanent

32:28

makeup and glue that turned some

32:30

of you into monkeys. Yes.

32:33

Am I saying correctly? Okay, yes. Yes,

32:36

and the worst part of it is that here, in

32:38

our own community, we cannot tell which

32:41

of us are humans who look permanently like monkeys

32:43

and which of us are monkeys.

32:45

Oh, so some of the monkeys I released

32:48

have joined you in this civilization.

32:50

I think so. I think so. You

32:52

think so? There's infiltrators. My wife,

32:55

who doesn't speak English, agrees

32:57

with me. Wait.

33:01

Okay, she might be

33:03

a monkey. What? Any

33:07

of us could be monkeys. That's what

33:09

I'm telling you. It's horrible. Listen,

33:14

I wanna propose, I

33:16

feel like as extras, what you really wanna do

33:18

is act, and I am proposing

33:20

that we start a community theater here. And

33:24

I will do makeup. I

33:27

have a PA that I know that

33:29

wants to be a director, and

33:31

he will direct you. I

33:34

will help get this production off the ground, and

33:37

you will shine when you're- I have written a

33:39

play where I flip

33:41

the script on Curious George. It's

33:43

called Curious Man in a Yellow

33:45

Hat.

33:48

That's a great start.

33:51

That's a great start.

33:52

In a community of monkeys, this

33:55

man in the yellow hat is constantly causing

33:57

problems with his curiosity.

33:59

and then solving the problem that he himself

34:02

caused, and then being held as a hero.

34:04

We cut the opening night act two,

34:07

scene three of this

34:09

play. The

34:13

parade is ruined. The

34:15

parade is ruined, and it's the fault of that

34:18

man in the yellow hat. Kill

34:21

the man in the yellow hat.

34:25

Bunkies, descend on him. And

34:30

we see the man in the yellow hat being

34:32

mauled until his yellow hat is

34:35

red with blood. Okay, everyone,

34:37

I wanna apologize.

34:38

I felt

34:40

like I didn't get enough time to help you with

34:42

this production. So

34:46

I, the man was accidentally

34:49

killed during

34:54

the making of this show. I

34:56

brought in a wild

34:58

animal to help with the effects

35:01

of the blood. And,

35:04

but I really wanna use

35:07

this time to think about what you could do differently

35:09

if this doesn't happen. Ever

35:11

a headache?

35:14

Ever a mouth? I

35:17

don't want any. I'm

35:20

sure now.

35:22

Let's talk some more about that.

35:25

So I guess we got out of our favorite

35:27

horror movies. Have we seen State Game? Did

35:30

you say Oren? Exorcist

35:32

is definitely one of them. Yeah, I forgot about Exorcist.

35:35

The Omen, I was a big fan of

35:37

all those Omen movies. I

35:39

just saw the first one for the first time. Mm,

35:43

Jamie, this is all for you. It was the best moment

35:45

ever. Oh. Yeah, that's really good. And

35:48

Rosemary's Baby, there was something about all those movies

35:50

in the 70s. I don't know what it is. They

35:53

took their time more or something and the acting

35:55

is so real. I don't know if that's

35:57

patronizing to modern.

35:59

But they did

36:02

seem more, I don't

36:04

know, what made them seem more real back

36:06

then? Yeah, a lot of them, like Rosemary's

36:09

Baby almost seems like a normal

36:12

nice movie until the very end in some ways. Like

36:15

it's calm and a lot of those

36:17

movies just took their time and the actual

36:19

horror stuff wasn't just constantly

36:21

cut in.

36:23

Well, this could be crazy,

36:25

but it also feels like, because I feel like they're getting back to

36:27

it now, but it feels like they were treated and budgeted

36:30

like actual movies and not like

36:32

horror movies. Where

36:33

it's like you get a lot of them now, it's like super

36:35

tight budget, like the scripts are pretty formulaic,

36:38

but back then it was like, oh no, we're

36:40

making actual movies. Not that

36:42

horror

36:43

movies from the 90s and 2000s aren't actually movies, they're

36:45

great. I

36:50

also feel like movies now are trying

36:52

to hit these certain points, this successful

36:54

formula. And

36:58

so if they see a movie that works, they just want to match

37:00

that. And so things

37:02

feel more and more the same, whereas back

37:04

then it just felt more of a career. Like

37:07

a movie just felt like you're just, what's

37:10

the best thing to happen next? Not

37:12

I'm trying to hit this point. You

37:13

know what I mean? Definitely.

37:16

My big complaint with horror movies nowadays

37:19

is that I feel like

37:22

the techniques of building

37:25

suspense to scare people

37:27

have been so well honed that I cannot,

37:30

my system cannot tolerate it. I tried to

37:32

watch The Invisible Man like three different times, and

37:34

just the buildup to what I know is going to

37:37

be like an attack on this person. I can't

37:40

live through the buildup.

37:41

Is

37:44

there a new Invisible Man? Yeah,

37:46

from like two or three years ago. Okay,

37:48

you keep saying these movies. It'll be from 1907.

37:54

The Mummy, The Invisible Man, I don't

37:56

have it, Costello versus

37:58

Frank.

37:59

You

38:01

know, Vincent Price is the invisible man. You can't

38:03

gotcha. It's too scary. I

38:08

wasn't aware of the more recent invisible

38:10

man. It's harrowing.

38:12

You know what really got

38:14

me good in the past? Like, the

38:17

debt was got me. This was more than a decade ago now. But,

38:21

too, paranormal activity surprisingly

38:25

just scared me so much. I remember

38:27

I was sitting at home and I was going

38:29

to have a quiet night in and then some friends were going

38:31

to the movies. I'm like, this is perfect. Go to an early

38:33

movie. Come back. Go to

38:35

sleep. Not too late. And I stayed up all

38:37

night with the lights on. I could not sleep until

38:40

the sun came up. Like, I just thought of my

38:42

time. It got me. Sometimes

38:44

I'm surprised by what gets me. And

38:47

that one really got me.

38:50

Because you think it's going to happen to you in your home?

38:53

Yeah. What do you think that scares

38:55

me most? What's inside the house? What's

38:59

in here right now? That's what always gets me in the mess. I

39:02

don't know if this was public knowledge or if this was

39:04

just something that was floating around my middle school

39:06

and this came out. But it was like

39:08

people were like,

39:10

there was no cast

39:11

attached to it. There was no director

39:13

that was listed. And people were like, they actually

39:16

just failed in this footage. Now

39:18

that I'm saying it out loud, I don't think there's any way that anybody

39:21

talked that. I mean, the people at

39:23

my very

39:24

small… Blair

39:26

Witch was like… Christian School? It felt like there

39:28

was no clear answer out there whether

39:31

it was real or not until… We

39:33

cut to a field

39:36

kind of near

39:39

sundown as we see people pulling

39:42

into this kind

39:45

of vague gravel kind of parking

39:47

lot and getting out. Everybody has like

39:49

a piece of paper in their hand.

39:53

Is this where the…

39:55

Is this the movie set? Are you guys here

39:58

for the movie? Untitled

40:00

movie. I don't

40:02

know. Yeah, I guess I was just told to come here.

40:05

I got there was a note slipped under my door.

40:07

So I'm gonna come out here

40:09

for a movie to be in a movie, but

40:11

I'm confused because I don't see.

40:14

Yeah, I'm a DP and I

40:16

got it. I got a note under my door

40:18

to. This

40:21

morning, I'm at work.

40:23

So I decided to drive up here. I'm

40:25

not even an actor. I just you know, I

40:27

work at. I work

40:30

at a coffee shop and somebody left

40:32

this on their table. And so I figured, you

40:34

know, why not?

40:37

Okay.

40:39

Is there a director around?

40:42

I don't see any cameras.

40:45

I feel like we've got. Oh, the cameras.

40:47

I'm the that's in my car. So I got

40:49

that. Okay. I just start filming.

40:51

You know what? I was getting out right now.

40:54

I guess so. I yeah.

40:58

I'll start filming right now.

41:00

You know, I'm always auditioning for stuff and I'm

41:02

that I'm just the kind of guy like I let it go when

41:04

I audition for it. I just let it go. So it's

41:07

not surprising to me that I would find out about a job

41:09

and it's not familiar to me because I so

41:11

let it go. But it is suddenly the waitress

41:13

stabs him in the neck. Oh,

41:16

what? Oh, my God. No cry.

41:18

No.

41:21

What? No. Oh, my God.

41:26

Knives. Well, I guess

41:28

that's so weird. That's

41:30

so weird. Are you

41:32

all right, man? Are you okay? No. Yikes.

41:37

What the fuck is your I mean, what's happening, man?

41:40

I'm a waitress. I don't even like again.

41:43

This is not my weird. Weird.

41:45

We cut

41:47

the movie theater where it's people

41:51

are watching this up on the film or

41:53

up on the screen and

41:55

it ends in the movies only like

41:58

five minutes long. Is

42:01

that the movie?

42:03

We got a babysitter

42:05

for this.

42:05

That was

42:08

horrific, but I thought that was the

42:10

set up. This is one of

42:12

those dine while you eat,

42:15

while you watch the movie. We just

42:17

ordered and I'm making

42:19

the movies over.

42:21

I don't know about this

42:23

dad. Is this the end of

42:25

the movie?

42:27

Yes, but it's going to take another 30 minutes

42:29

for anybody to get a good steak.

42:32

You can just be patient with us. Thank you so much.

42:35

When

42:37

I read about this, I heard it was scary.

42:39

I didn't know it

42:41

was so short. We're just

42:43

dining in this large auditorium

42:46

space with strangers all facing

42:48

forward now. What

42:50

a disaster. I mean, I just

42:52

got a note under my door to come and see this

42:55

movie tonight. Three tickets and 20% off on the

42:57

meal. That's what I got under

42:59

my door. I can't even get up my driveway.

43:02

That's so weird. I got the same thing.

43:04

We see the waitress from the movie

43:06

delivering the steak and putting it in front

43:08

of the... I came out early. Where are you from?

43:10

Do I know you? Did you just do this? Oh,

43:12

me? You were just in that movie. I don't

43:15

know. I'm just a waiter. I don't even

43:17

ask. He grabs a steak knife, gets them all in the

43:19

throat. Oh, no. No.

43:22

Weird. Oh, my God.

43:24

Not again. We cut

43:27

to a house in Oswego,

43:28

New York.

43:34

We

43:40

paid $19.99 on demand for that. That

43:43

was only six and a half minutes long.

43:45

Yeah. There was

43:47

no second level though.

43:49

It was interesting. Why

43:51

was there no rental option? We had

43:53

to buy it. That was weird. That's really

43:56

weird. And we just started

43:58

watching it.

43:59

I know and the rental option

44:02

usually comes up on the screen at this time it was slipped

44:04

under the door

44:06

It's also like Matt

44:09

I Don't I

44:11

mean you

44:11

haven't been to the house since before the pandemic It's

44:14

just I don't know this is just you walked in with

44:16

such ease to start watching

44:19

this movie. Yeah

44:23

Yeah, no, I I got a note under

44:25

my door to come over to your house of watch this movie,

44:27

too And I was I thought that was

44:29

weird, but I know

44:31

I know we've been separated for two years

44:35

Yeah, we're

44:37

very strange well, I just started

44:39

the frosting the

44:41

turkey so I Thought

44:44

we're gonna oh, but there's a delivery

44:46

person here. Not

44:47

knock. Oh

44:48

Did you postmate something? We have been

44:51

just postmates. I'm a turkey. Why'd you

44:53

deliver? And

44:54

the woman is in the

44:56

room and just said knock knock No,

44:59

yes. I will because you know what I this

45:01

my mom said not when you come into room

45:05

delivery for you

45:08

Hey

45:12

Delivery

45:14

person if that you're talking about I am

45:17

delivering you a good meal Well,

45:19

I'm glad you kept your day job because that movie

45:21

was a rock Knife

45:23

to throat you

45:26

were in the movie coming this

45:28

fall So

45:38

I'm gonna take it off for for a second

45:41

and take it to something I know about No

45:45

Brett not more music opinions This

45:49

is my weed opinions I'm

45:52

gonna double down on the only important

45:54

thing about buying marijuana Is

45:58

how fresh it is? I think I said like a year

46:00

ago. Now I'm gonna say it again Brett. I

46:02

went to a new dispensary the other day because

46:05

I've been having such nasty dry

46:07

weed lately. Just nasty.

46:10

Tastes like smoking paper. I don't

46:12

wanna do that. So I go to a new dispensary.

46:15

Some of these dispensaries, they

46:18

grow their own weed. Like you can

46:20

even see it in the back. So

46:23

I figure that they'll have the freshest

46:25

weed right? So I go

46:27

to this place that I see they

46:29

have, they sell some weed

46:32

under the label of the dispensary. So I assume

46:34

that's what they're doing. I go there and I ask

46:38

them they

46:40

do that. If they do that they do not. And I'm

46:42

like okay can you give me the

46:44

freshest weed? And the

46:47

bud tender got mad at me asking that.

46:49

Like offended kinda. Like

46:51

it's all fresh. I'm

46:54

like

46:55

well is it okay well give me the latest

46:57

thing you got in. And

46:59

they gave it to me. It was from January.

47:02

That

47:05

is not fresh non-pot smokers.

47:08

That is like being in a sushi place

47:10

and they say this fish is from two Thursdays

47:13

ago. You

47:15

wouldn't eat it right? You'd go

47:18

what? Is the date stamped on

47:20

the passage? Yeah it has

47:22

to be. It has to be. These days

47:25

you have to have, it

47:28

has to show that it's been at least in California

47:30

that it's been tested and that

47:34

for bad chemicals good. Glad

47:37

they do that. And they

47:39

supposedly test it for potency

47:42

which I say is bullshit.

47:46

And

47:48

they have to put the packaging date, the

47:50

harvest date, the packaging date on it.

47:53

I'm very envious. I

47:55

really wish I liked smoking. It

47:58

just makes me crazy and paranoid and awkward. awful

48:00

and I really feel like I'm missing out.

48:03

Dr. Justin

48:03

Marchegiani Well, this is why I wanna say that too.

48:07

There's so much misinformation on

48:10

weed that people think it's about indica

48:13

and hybrid and sativa and

48:15

Katie, I'm here to tell you it's

48:17

about terpenes. It

48:20

doesn't matter. It doesn't

48:22

matter all those other things. All

48:25

these strains have these weird specific

48:28

terpenes in it and

48:30

you got to find the terpene

48:32

that you respond to.

48:34

Cuz we used to know about all this bullshit.

48:37

So you just- Dr. Katie Gollum P-U-R-P-I-N-E? Dr.

48:39

Justin Marchegiani I think it's T-E-R-P-E-N-E.

48:41

I'll Google it a few different

48:44

ways. Dr. Katie Gollum I just wanna

48:46

say real quick, I know it sounds like we're doing

48:48

a commercial but I assure you we are

48:50

not. This is not an ad. Dr. Justin Marchegiani This

48:52

is not an ad for terpenes. But

48:57

I hate when you go in there and they basically

48:59

bamboozle you cuz they don't know.

49:01

And they're like, hey you wanna get really

49:03

high? They basically when they do that like

49:05

you're a frat brother walking in there. So

49:08

you want some really powerful weed or- that's

49:11

bullshit. First off, it

49:13

can say 31% on it which

49:15

is a huge amount. Like

49:18

low is 17%, high is like

49:20

anywhere around 30 is a crazy

49:23

amount. What if it's from January

49:25

who gives a fuck? Like

49:30

get an old piece of sushi. It might

49:32

look good, it's fucking old.

49:34

What do you think is going on that they've got-

49:36

Dr. Justin Marchegiani I wanna be educated Andy,

49:38

that's why I'm saying it on the show. I'm sure- Dr.

49:41

Katie Gollum 10 last small marijuana. Dr. Justin Marchegiani

49:43

A listener out there is gonna tell me, well October's the harvest,

49:46

but I wanna know they all- they grow in door now. So

49:48

why does it matter what time of year the fucking

49:51

harvest is? Give me some fresh fucking weed, I'm

49:53

paying it's sushi prices

49:55

too Brett. Yeah.

49:57

Maybe nobody is interested.

49:59

in marijuana anymore so it just sits

50:02

on the shelves. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Yeah,

50:05

maybe they're trying to get rid of their old

50:07

inventory. They're annoyed at the question because that

50:10

would mean… Dr. Justin Marchegiani They are. Dr. Justin Marchegiani They're

50:12

gonna be stuck with this inventory. Dr. Justin Marchegiani They are.

50:14

Dr. Justin Marchegiani Yeah. Uh, yeah,

50:16

of course you wanna get rid of old inventory. But

50:19

most industries, you have

50:21

to throw it away, right? Because

50:23

it's not good anymore. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Yeah, the bakery. Bakery's

50:25

gotta throw away their old bread. Dr.

50:28

Justin Marchegiani That's just all food. I mean, it's just it…when

50:30

it loses its…and another thing, you've

50:33

never walked into a liquor store. Let's

50:36

just do it right now when you walk into a liquor store.

50:39

Ding, ding. Hey, how you doing?

50:41

Welcome Venom and Liquor. Dr.

50:44

Justin Marchegiani Hi, we're looking for uh- Dr. Justin

50:46

Marchegiani How drunk do you wanna get tonight? Dr. Justin Marchegiani

50:48

Oh, I'm just going to- Dr. Justin Marchegiani You guys looking to get really

50:50

drunk? Dr. Justin Marchegiani I'm just looking for

50:52

a nice Pino uh, going to a dinner

50:54

party. Dr. Justin Marchegiani

50:55

Oh, I got some pure green alcohol

50:58

that'll get you really drunk. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Oh, really

51:00

going. That's what you guys are looking for. Dr. Justin Marchegiani That's the hell I

51:02

do.

51:02

Uh, you know, our fancy friends, so. Dr. Justin

51:05

Marchegiani Vodka. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Vodka. Dr.

51:06

Justin Marchegiani Vodka. If you

51:09

guys are really looking to party, I get

51:11

some high-end vodka and you can pour it into some

51:14

Welch's uh, grape

51:16

juice and that'll hit you much better

51:18

in that wine you're looking for.

51:21

Dr. Justin Marchegiani Wow, we're just…or it's looking good. Dr. Justin Marchegiani

51:23

Okay. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Nice wine to go salmon, honestly.

51:25

Dr. Justin Marchegiani

51:26

Yeah. Okay, I don't do the food

51:28

pairing as much as what level of drunkenness

51:31

you wanna be. So if you could just describe the

51:33

buzz you're trying to achieve while

51:35

you're eating salmon. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Okay.

51:37

Sure. I would like to feel a

51:39

little bit more loose in my conversation

51:41

but not say something I regret and email

51:44

about the next day.

51:45

Dr. Justin

51:47

Marchegiani Keep going like this. Dr. Justin Marchegiani I don't

51:49

wanna have it. Dr. Justin Marchegiani I really wanna zone in. I'm almost got

51:51

it. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr.

51:54

Justin Marchegiani

51:56

I really wanna zone in.

51:59

Yeah, but

52:00

I don't want to get so comfortable, but

52:02

the next day I'm like, oh, I'm sorry I feel

52:05

like I said something weird and I

52:07

want to sincerely being

52:09

Do you want to be interested

52:11

in their conversation on a sincere level?

52:13

Do you want to get to that level of drunkenness or

52:16

you want to be able to pretend to be

52:18

interested that level?

52:19

The next level I want

52:21

to want to know about them I

52:24

want to like I want to liquor then. Oh Oh,

52:28

oh my god, you know, maybe he's

52:30

right Harriet honestly And

52:34

it's just one of those things where I don't want us getting there

52:36

and then looking at what we brought and being like Oh,

52:39

well, they don't have this in Paris and then we have to be like

52:41

what we have been to Paris and we told you About that because we

52:43

couldn't go there because of the pandemic and

52:45

then they're gonna make a whole big deal about it That we should have gone with

52:47

them in 2019 and I just like I don't want to

52:49

get into it tonight You know what I'm saying?

52:51

You can also bring there's

52:54

also the bottles you bring for show

52:56

and in the ball is you you bring for a drink

52:58

that? You're actually drinking too You

53:01

can have a front-facing messages

53:04

the wine bottles, but then you can be packing

53:07

some Southern Comfort In

53:09

your sock.

53:11

Are you oh, I thought you meant combining the

53:13

two a face bottle for

53:15

a different alcohol inside I

53:17

Have

53:21

wine bottle slips that slip over liquor

53:24

bottles if that's what you're looking for. Oh

53:27

That I

53:29

think it's kind of fun

53:30

Excuse me. I don't want it. I don't know

53:32

if you're in a hurry. I'm in a little bit of a hurry And

53:35

I I just don't need again. Oh,

53:36

no, I for me. It's about the terpenes Ah

53:41

Can you just talk

53:44

to me about what kinds of different terpenes you

53:46

have no goddamn terpenes and liquor

53:48

that's the enemy What are you talking

53:51

about? I

53:53

was told if you're looking to get fucked up. It's all about

53:55

the terpenes That's some

53:57

goddamn hippie told you that Everyone,

54:06

you have to find your terpene.

54:12

And if it's not your terpene, it can

54:14

fuck you up and make you feel paranoid, Katie. That

54:16

was the grand point I was getting there. That's...

54:19

So you really think every... Listen, every time

54:21

I smoke, I end up trying to look

54:23

for a bathroom that I could sit in and hide in

54:25

for the next several hours. Like,

54:27

that's always my go-to, is just try

54:30

to hide in the room. You really think there's a weed

54:32

out there with the terpene

54:33

adjusted. Well, it sounds like

54:36

you're smoking at parties and

54:38

maybe we need... Oh, this will happen at home too. You're

54:40

hiding the bathroom at your own home.

54:43

Yeah. To avoid yourself, you poor

54:45

friend. Yeah.

54:49

Luke sounds hopeful.

54:50

I think if you aren't interested for

54:53

real, you could... They

54:55

have them labeled, so you'd get... Like you'd start by just

54:57

getting a classic, like a Blue Dream

55:00

Sativa, and you just see how

55:02

it affects you. Okay. And

55:04

if it's bad, then you're like, let me find out what that terpene

55:07

is, and now get another classic that doesn't

55:09

have that terpene. I'm

55:11

gonna try another one. Now

55:14

I'm gonna try Northern Lights, and it

55:17

doesn't have that terpene. I'll see

55:19

how this... There's like... How many

55:21

terpenes are there? Eight men there. There's a

55:23

lot, but I think there's like eight

55:26

main ones. I see.

55:28

I find that

55:30

when I start smoking as

55:32

well, because for me, it was kind of a roll of the dice

55:34

where like, you know, every four or five times

55:36

it'd be fine, and then randomly once thrown

55:39

in there. And it's like... I was talking about

55:41

that. It's somewhat regular. I experienced

55:44

my own death in my feet.

55:47

And that's the only way I know how to describe it, but

55:49

it happens very regularly, but it's

55:51

a roll of the dice. And once every four or five

55:54

times, and I don't know when it's gonna happen, and it'll be

55:56

like the same strain of something, pincerpenes.

55:59

help that. That's good.

56:02

Well, you're getting a terpene

56:04

that affects people differently. So

56:07

like a limonene is a very

56:09

common one and to some it makes you

56:11

feel jazzy enough but to other people it might

56:14

make you feel paranoid. So

56:16

it doesn't hit, and that's why when the bud

56:19

tinder goes, well, what are you looking for? They

56:22

don't know. They have no fucking idea how it's going

56:24

to affect you.

56:25

So they really can't give you advice.

56:28

All they can do is say if it's fresh

56:30

and what? Fucking terpenes are in it,

56:32

folks. I used to say it's up

56:34

or down. Tell me if it goes up or down, but that

56:36

doesn't even work because it can work totally

56:39

different on all four of us, all five of us

56:41

here. And Matt, you're

56:43

selling a terpene now. Yes,

56:45

I am. It's called a terpene indicator. What

56:48

you do is you put your little weed into the terpene

56:50

indicator, you shake it up, and

56:53

when you put it on your head and it's like you're

56:55

in screen, the terpene

56:58

works for you, Bess. There's

57:01

a terpene indicator. I

57:03

would like to invest everything I have in

57:06

your terpene indicator. You

57:10

guys found out this podcast never comes out. I'm

57:12

just touching people three or four at a time.

57:16

Exclusive opportunity to get in on the ground

57:18

floor. My big takeaway from my trip

57:20

the other day was for getting offended, though,

57:22

because she was. She

57:25

was a little agitated, like I had said. So

57:27

let's go to you guys at a restaurant. What's

57:30

the most ... what's

57:34

the word? What's the most probing you'll

57:36

be on what you're buying?

57:41

Like never ask how fresh something

57:44

is or does it have a certain

57:46

ingredient in it.

57:48

I will ask if

57:50

I'm trying to choose between two things, I'll

57:53

ask what

57:53

they prefer. And then if

57:56

they

57:56

suggest the thing that costs less

57:59

money, I'm going to ask them.

57:59

I will believe them.

58:02

You know, and that's as far as the conversation.

58:05

I never say like, well, it's fresh today

58:07

or anything. I just feel I do feel like a

58:10

bit of a jerk saying how old is the fish?

58:12

How fresh is the fish? Well,

58:16

I would never say how old is the

58:18

fish in any restaurant except for a

58:20

sushi restaurant.

58:22

But it's like the question is so

58:25

offensive. Do you know what I mean?

58:27

It's like you're basically

58:30

asking like, are you trying to fuck me over right

58:32

now? Like, are you going to tell me something bad? You

58:34

know, you are. I

58:35

will say I do do this a lot at restaurants

58:38

and only

58:38

because and this is maybe not exactly the

58:41

same thing, but I have a deadly shellfish

58:43

allergy. And so it is a similar thing. We're

58:45

like all really like probe questions about

58:47

the kitchen and based on how relaxed

58:50

their answer is, I know if I can eat

58:52

there or not, which is maybe not the same thing.

58:55

I want it somewhere just not to be rude.

58:57

If I feel like I

59:00

don't and I that's kind of the line

59:02

that I've drawn

59:02

in the sand for myself and I feel good

59:04

about it.

59:06

Okay, folks, can I get your orders?

59:08

You ready?

59:10

I'm going to go over them anymore. I can answer

59:12

any questions.

59:14

I just wanted to ask,

59:17

sorry, if this is crazy, but

59:20

where is your pasta sourced

59:22

from? Where's the wheat

59:24

sourced from? It's okay, sir. I

59:26

understand that. It's

59:29

Santa Barbara. Oh, really? So

59:31

it's oh, wow. So it's very close

59:34

and we make sure of that and I'm and

59:36

it's a great question. Yeah, but can I ask?

59:38

Sorry, I'm sure everybody has questions. What

59:42

water are you boiling it in? That's

59:45

a good question too. And that's

59:47

a lot of people ask why our pasta prices are

59:49

higher and it's because all our water

59:51

comes from snow melt.

59:54

This is exclusively snow melt boiled

59:57

Santa Barbara pasta.

1:00:00

I love this place. This

1:00:02

is the only place I'm eating from now on. This

1:00:04

is great. Wow. Okay.

1:00:06

Thank you, sir. That's right.

1:00:09

Yeah, and this snow and the snow.

1:00:11

A lot of people ask

1:00:13

is all 2021 snow.

1:00:16

It's 2021. Well, I was gonna ask when when was

1:00:18

the pasta we harvested? Do

1:00:20

you know? Oh, the pasta wheat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

1:00:24

let me see. Sorry, you're

1:00:26

in the middle of something. No problem. Keep going. Sorry. I

1:00:29

believe June 27th,

1:00:32

sir. June 27th of 2021. Oh,

1:00:36

yes, sir. Okay. Yeah.

1:00:38

Great. Sorry, ma'am. Can I help you?

1:00:40

Oh, no. You keep doing what you're doing. And then I don't want

1:00:42

to be rude, but I'll I'll interrupt

1:00:44

whatever you get a second when you're done with this. No,

1:00:46

it's fine. Please, please. I've monopolized

1:00:49

enough of the waiters. Yeah. My

1:00:51

sister is choking at the other table and she's been just sort

1:00:53

of choking for a little bit. So I was wondering. I'm

1:00:56

sorry. I didn't even get into the marinara sauce

1:00:58

because whenever you're ready.

1:01:00

I just want to know that the tomatoes,

1:01:05

what kind it just doesn't say. And

1:01:07

that's a little unusual that it doesn't list

1:01:09

exactly what kind of tomatoes are in your marinara.

1:01:12

Can I jump in here, honey? Yeah. Andy. I'll

1:01:15

make this real quick.

1:01:16

When did this,

1:01:18

what

1:01:19

was the pier at the

1:01:21

restaurant before it was a building? What

1:01:26

was the land like? What was here? Yeah.

1:01:29

And that's a question. And I would love to hear the answer

1:01:31

to that. Also, my sister's just turning like

1:01:34

a little blue. And I, again, I hate to do this.

1:01:36

But I'm so sorry. Oh,

1:01:39

if you scan the barcode

1:01:42

that's on the table into your phone, it'll

1:01:44

give you Heimlich maneuver instructions.

1:01:47

Okay. Thank you. I told

1:01:49

you that when I served

1:01:51

your wife. And I missed it. And I apologize. And I'm being

1:01:53

rude. And I'm so sorry.

1:01:55

I'll get that here. Thank you.

1:01:56

Sorry. Your third is coming.

1:01:58

And do you

1:02:00

know was there another

1:02:02

building before this building or was this

1:02:04

the first building on this land?

1:02:07

Okay, can I check

1:02:09

with the chef on this?

1:02:10

Absolutely.

1:02:12

Yeah, good. Okay, we cut back to

1:02:14

the kitchen. Okay,

1:02:16

we got someone else asking what was built

1:02:18

here. Should I tell him it was a gas station? It's

1:02:22

a gas station.

1:02:23

It's a gas station.

1:02:26

Okay, how can we spin it? It

1:02:29

was a

1:02:30

rustic

1:02:32

building that

1:02:35

was common place for trade,

1:02:38

I think would be a good way to make it to. Common

1:02:40

place for what? For pride.

1:02:42

For trade of goods and services.

1:02:44

It's a trade building.

1:02:45

Oh, trade, trade. I

1:02:48

think it's a

1:02:48

pride.

1:02:49

Pride? I didn't think there were that kind of couple. Okay, I'll go back.

1:02:51

Trade, okay. Okay,

1:02:54

so about what used to be here. It

1:02:57

was a rustic building that

1:02:59

was used for trade. I

1:03:02

love that. That's very great. Like a

1:03:05

mercantile.

1:03:05

I love that. Like a trading post.

1:03:07

I love that. Yeah, I think

1:03:09

it was a nice rustic trading

1:03:11

post. Like a barter system type of

1:03:14

thing? Maybe, yeah, as long as

1:03:16

that's what it was. Because I just have a deathly

1:03:19

allergy to sort of

1:03:21

old remnants of

1:03:24

gas. That's all. That's all. Of

1:03:27

like gasoline. I just

1:03:29

have a deathly allergy to like

1:03:32

ground seepage of gasoline. Okay,

1:03:37

well I know there's no gasoline in any

1:03:40

of our food, sir.

1:03:42

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

1:03:43

How do you guys a doctor say any chance?

1:03:46

Do

1:03:46

you have a doctor or a people?

1:03:48

Oh, hi to your doctor. Well,

1:03:51

yes, I am, but I'm not on

1:03:53

call tonight. Not tonight. Okay, no problem.

1:03:56

No problem. Okay. Thank

1:03:58

you. Thank you. I'm

1:04:00

a doctor like that. I'm sorry. I'd

1:04:03

like to brag. Oh, that's terrible. Because

1:04:05

then, then, yeah, the person at

1:04:07

that table is turning black. It's

1:04:09

just like a, like a pole. But

1:04:13

choking's not your field. No,

1:04:15

of course not. No.

1:04:17

I wouldn't have gone, I never would have gone into

1:04:19

choking.

1:04:21

Anyway, and the waiter goes to the other

1:04:23

table where the choking. Okay,

1:04:26

I'm sorry to report we are out

1:04:28

of apple pie. I think. Sorry

1:04:31

about that. Great. Okay,

1:04:33

the choking's still happening, I see. Actually... Did

1:04:36

you try the Heimlich maneuver? The choking is

1:04:38

sort of stopped, stopped at this point.

1:04:39

So I was maybe hoping,

1:04:42

maybe like I, there's like maybe

1:04:44

like a priest here. We could say like a little prayer

1:04:47

or something like that, maybe.

1:04:49

A priest? There's just somebody that would

1:04:51

maybe want to say a little prayer, you know, or maybe

1:04:54

like somebody

1:04:54

else does. Okay. There's a ship's

1:04:56

captain here. You know, obviously

1:04:58

I'll take that at this point. Maybe you could

1:05:00

try that, yeah.

1:05:02

He goes over to the corner where the ship's captain

1:05:04

is.

1:05:05

I'm sorry, sir, to interrupt your meal.

1:05:08

It seems there's

1:05:11

a patron died and they need last rites,

1:05:14

and we don't have a holy man. I know you

1:05:16

could have had people. God damn it, don't tell

1:05:18

them I'm a ship's captain.

1:05:19

He's not a ship captain

1:05:21

tonight, okay? That's right.

1:05:22

I'm not on

1:05:24

call tonight for captaining ships.

1:05:27

Not

1:05:27

at all. Not a ship's captain,

1:05:29

not a ship's captain. All right.

1:05:33

I'm sorry.

1:05:36

I was wrong. That's not a ship's captain.

1:05:38

Okay. Okay. No

1:05:41

worries, Bill. Just take the check. I'm going

1:05:43

to go ahead and drag my sister. Okay, no dessert?

1:05:45

No dessert?

1:05:47

Well, unless there's an apple pie that magically

1:05:49

appears somewhere

1:05:49

best there. I think I'm okay. Hey, Matt.

1:05:52

Can I talk to you for a second? Hi. How

1:05:54

are you? Why

1:05:56

don't I see that her sister died? Why don't

1:05:58

you give her a hug? a little something.

1:06:01

I saw you accidentally brought her an appetizer

1:06:03

that she didn't order. Why don't you say you're going

1:06:05

to take that off the bill?

1:06:07

Okay, I'll do that. Okay. Hey,

1:06:10

I talked to her manager. She's

1:06:12

going to take the appetizer off the bill and

1:06:15

you guys don't have to leave until 1115.

1:06:18

You can stay at the table,

1:06:21

even with your dead person here. Do you mean that? Yeah.

1:06:24

Thank you. I was

1:06:26

really worried about humanity

1:06:28

today after I asked several people for

1:06:31

help, but my sister was actively dying and nobody

1:06:33

would help. Yeah. And then you came over

1:06:35

here and I was like, oh, another

1:06:37

bad thing and you

1:06:40

changed your name.

1:06:41

Thank you. What was your name? My

1:06:44

name's Matt. Thank

1:06:46

you, Matt. I work in a lot of places

1:06:49

around town. I'll see you.

1:06:50

Hey, Matt. Yeah.

1:06:51

Matt,

1:06:52

we need the table.

1:06:56

We need the table.

1:06:58

Alan Burston just

1:07:00

showed up with no reservation. And

1:07:04

seeing folks, this has been

1:07:07

improv for humans. I had such

1:07:09

a good time today. Talking

1:07:11

to my old friends. My

1:07:15

long time friends. You guys are all sick. Come

1:07:17

on. So,

1:07:21

humans, let's go around. Let's get some

1:07:23

plugs here. Andy, what would you

1:07:25

like to plug? You have your bananas for... Bananas

1:07:29

for Bonanza and bonus

1:07:31

nanas for bonus nanza and

1:07:33

bonus nanza extract. That is hard to say. I thought

1:07:36

it was... I don't think so. I don't agree. My

1:07:39

bonus nanza. All

1:07:41

of my new contributions

1:07:44

to the world of podcasting can be found on CBBworld,

1:07:49

which is a feltless new subscription

1:07:51

service. No commercials for terpenes.

1:07:57

Hey, you got to pay the bills. I know, I know.

1:08:00

But anyway, yeah, you gotta sign up for CBB World.

1:08:03

And I've got some time. I thought

1:08:05

you said CBD World, which is probably

1:08:07

right next to CBB World. You guys better

1:08:09

be careful there. Katie,

1:08:13

what would you like to plug? Where

1:08:15

can we find you on social media? I

1:08:18

never have an answer for this. I

1:08:20

literally just started looking around the room for something

1:08:22

to talk about. You're very fair,

1:08:25

Wallis. All right.

1:08:29

Save the air time. Save

1:08:33

the air time. Yield your time

1:08:36

to the gentlewoman. Yeah,

1:08:39

more than fair. I, yeah,

1:08:42

just

1:08:42

once again want to plug. There's some really

1:08:44

horrible anti-trans

1:08:46

legislation that's happening truly all over

1:08:49

the United States. And it seems to be getting worse and worse.

1:08:52

Like in Texas, HB 25 looks like it

1:08:53

just passed the Senate. So it's

1:08:55

going, or passed the House and is going

1:08:57

through to be passed, which is banning trans

1:08:59

kids in youth sports, which really sucks.

1:09:03

So

1:09:03

please, you can go follow ACLU.

1:09:06

They usually have a lot of info about that.

1:09:08

If not, go look at your local trans

1:09:10

organizations that are helping on the ground

1:09:12

in your state. And that's a great way to get

1:09:14

involved.

1:09:16

Well, now I wish I'd plug that. Yeah,

1:09:19

that's a great plug, especially

1:09:21

for this week. Even though

1:09:24

this won't air this week, but for any week.

1:09:27

And Huons, please. Improv

1:09:29

for humans for music.

1:09:32

We beg of you, me and Brett. Get

1:09:34

that album. Preorder it right now.

1:09:37

It has some of our favorite recording

1:09:39

artists who have been on the show. Go to mattbester.com.

1:09:42

I got a link that will show you those artists

1:09:44

and where to buy it. It's only $25.

1:09:47

That's cool for a green vinyl

1:09:50

disc

1:09:52

that celebrates the musicians you

1:09:54

have loved. Recorded by Brett Morris on

1:09:57

Improv for Humans for a good cause.

1:10:00

National Independent Venue Association.

1:10:03

So many of these venues are having a hard time right

1:10:05

now. It's like they open up, and

1:10:08

they gotta put some kind of new

1:10:10

rule on, and they gotta do something else.

1:10:12

It's really hard for these venues to

1:10:15

stay open right now. National Independent

1:10:17

Venue Association save our

1:10:20

stages to keep being human. Improv

1:10:23

for humans with Matt Besser is an AWOLF

1:10:25

production produced by Brett

1:10:27

Morris and Matt Apo-Darka. Engineered

1:10:30

by Brett Morris. Music by

1:10:32

Gladoon. Find our latest

1:10:34

merch at bodswag.com. Help

1:10:37

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1:10:37

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1:10:40

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