4:07

no way

4:20

am i was

4:20

born

4:27

to say did

4:30

you know my most that first saw

4:35

it was enjoy that song for different

4:37

reasons some people like us

4:39

as soon as the cardinals and paul we

4:42

go out and condemned prostitutes

4:44

to that music where

4:46

am i was that lets me identify

4:48

own since utah how are

4:51

you guys on your right to say some

4:53

improv for my

5:07

harbor day

5:16

now

5:20

i'm on my mind on

5:23

lot of moment of marlborough

5:27

ah

5:30

my says oh

5:35

throttle my ah

5:38

luck an there have already travel

5:43

my man macho man my

5:47

main worry and thirty

5:50

is org mode so run very

5:53

good at the moment you do

5:55

for at errol morris

6:03

You are looking pretty packed except for around

6:05

the penis area for some reason. Oh!

6:09

But ladies, are you happy to be

6:11

here, Macho Man? We're both dead! Did you know

6:13

that? You've been dead longer than me, oddly enough. Oh

6:17

yeah, I came back from hell to come and

6:19

take your little hat and shove up your ass. Oh yeah!

6:24

Any wrestling fans here tonight?

6:27

Oh really, just this guy

6:30

with the most dainty clap to prove

6:32

himself?

6:35

Claps, my baby, my grandma? One of

6:37

those monkeys with cymbals. Who's

6:40

your favorite wrestler of all time, sir? Be

6:43

careful! You

6:46

have to be right! That's right!

6:48

The cream rises to the top!

6:51

Oh my goodness. Ladies and

6:53

gentlemen, let's also welcome

6:55

top Polish philosopher,

6:58

Zawek Zizek!

7:04

Come have one of those microphones, Randy.

7:11

This is both incorrect and correct.

7:15

Because you pronounced my name in this way. Oh,

7:17

fundamentally I am misunderstandable.

7:20

Let's say this from the beginning. I

7:22

am from Slovenia, but even in my

7:24

native country, people

7:27

think of me as profoundly foreign.

7:29

You understand? Sorry,

7:31

I get something wrong. My voice is

7:33

he said, it is also a name that

7:35

is unpronounceable in almost

7:38

every language. And yet

7:40

here we face the crisis of

7:43

infinite crisis in the center

7:45

of the storm of our modern time, which is here

7:47

in Pasadena, California. Can

7:50

we not say in the Pasadena

7:53

itself, repressing a

7:55

kind of fulcrum upon which

7:57

the crisis of the current capitalist

7:59

system, He will turn it back, you see. They

8:04

care even though it is for their own downfall

8:07

that they have come here for. Yes.

8:09

And of course,

8:12

it wouldn't be a complete

8:14

cast without one of my favorite

8:16

cyber punks. From

8:18

the Thunderdome himself, I'll send

8:21

a man back. Please welcome Anne

8:24

Gorland. Anne

8:27

Gorrion. He

8:32

is

8:34

one of these fags of the wasteland.

8:37

I

8:41

probably didn't say his name correctly.

8:44

Hey, hey guys. I'm uh, Angri-Oro's

8:48

actually how you pronounce it. Yeah,

8:50

I'm from a post-nuclear

8:53

future, you

8:55

know, psycho, psychopathic,

8:58

raider bandit, you

9:01

know, playing, I play the trumpet,

9:04

you know, people play guitars on the

9:06

hood of the car. I play the trumpet

9:08

on the hood of a car. Yeah, I

9:10

play the trumpet and,

9:13

you know, a lot of car chases, a lot of working

9:16

on cars actually. Because

9:19

with the wind getting into the, is that hard

9:21

to play when you're racing around the desert at trumpet

9:23

versus a racing guitar? It is, yeah, it is.

9:25

A lot of the guys don't realize that, but yeah,

9:28

it is. Thanks. Oh, okay. What's

9:30

your favorite resource? Oh,

9:34

man. Like I'd say

9:36

water right away, but maybe. Water's a good one. Water's

9:39

a good one. Yeah, probably,

9:42

yeah, probably water. Yeah,

9:45

it's water. Food,

9:47

it's

9:48

a good one. We explore

9:50

this idea in one of my documentaries,

9:53

The Pervert Sky to the Apocalypse. And

9:55

this is essentially a new world

9:58

that mirrors the scenes. and faults

10:00

of our own current times. Obviously,

10:04

this is perfectly understood.

10:07

I've written 12 books on this topic. Did

10:10

I know food? I'm talking about

10:12

this crisis of water that we

10:14

have now today, which also is the world

10:16

which you inhabit. Oh, yeah. It's the future,

10:19

my people. This is the future

10:21

incarnate. Welcome to your Jesus

10:23

Christ. I never

10:25

run out of water, brother. Because when

10:27

I run out of water, a piss in the toilet,

10:29

and I drink it down,

10:32

brother. I'll drink your piss. I'll drink your

10:34

piss, and I'll drink your piss. No, no, you're

10:36

not getting my piss. I drink

10:38

my piss, man. You're not getting my piss. Would

10:41

you like regular slat

10:43

piss or my sparkling piss? I have

10:45

both varieties. I can't understand

10:47

a word you're saying. Perfect. Perfect.

10:50

This is excellent. OK. Where

10:52

do we go? Now, I am curious before

10:54

we start. We are going to talk to you all

10:57

and get stories from you on improvised. But

11:00

did you guys celebrate Halloween when you

11:02

were younger? Do you remember the costumes you wore

11:05

before the apocalypse? Were

11:07

you born after the apocalypse that you were born? I

11:10

was born after the nuclear

11:13

holocaust. But

11:15

yeah, we did. Have you heard of Halloween? Oh, yeah.

11:18

Oh, yeah. We had Halloween. I

11:20

dressed up as Madonna one year. You

11:24

know, you go hut to hut. You guys are dressed

11:26

all to us, weird all year round.

11:29

So on Halloween, you dress like just Madonna.

11:33

Yeah. OK. I wasn't

11:36

judging. You go hut to hut. You

11:38

get nuts and bolts, a little squirt

11:40

of oil in your bag. And it's

11:42

fun. Oh, not candy. Nuts

11:45

and bolts. Yeah. OK, I get that. Randy,

11:48

Macho Man, did you as a little boy,

11:50

did you dress up as anything? My

11:53

mom's a pumpkin and my dad is hell. So

11:56

I live in Halloween,

11:58

brother. Oh, yeah.

11:59

And every year I hand out candy, they turn to

12:02

the door, ding dong. I

12:04

take their little pants off, I swing them on a pole, I show

12:06

them down the toilet, I put them in a grave and I wake them up, I

12:08

got a new year!

12:08

Much so,

12:11

man, Randy, see

12:13

me! Well,

12:15

he did not dress up. What

12:18

about you, Slavic? Did you

12:20

dress up in Halloween and... Well, of course, you understand,

12:22

I am from Slovenia, but at the time

12:24

of my childhood, it was communist Yugoslavia.

12:28

And so the resources were very limited

12:30

and distinct. And we did have our version

12:32

of Halloween in Lithuania,

12:33

it's quite complex and

12:36

it's like professions. We would

12:38

only be able to dress up as personalities

12:41

vilified by Tito's Yugoslavian

12:43

dictatorship. Oftentimes capitalists,

12:46

figures such as Charles de Gaulle or

12:48

something, or perhaps a vilified

12:50

different kind of communist like Leon

12:53

Trotsky, etc. So you would very

12:55

often see children engaging in

12:57

a dialogue, like

13:00

a Hegelian dialogue of the antithesis

13:04

and the synthesis on the front steps

13:06

negotiating who would take the candy,

13:09

which was also poisoned.

13:12

Trotsky, what

13:15

did you ask about? Now,

13:18

we are coming up on Halloween and celebrating

13:21

it. Does anyone here have any plans

13:23

for the 31st and have a costume

13:25

we'd like to tell us about? We'd love to hear about

13:27

it. Anyone? Please tell us, anyone? No?

13:30

Yes, right there, sir.

13:31

So I have,

13:34

I almost swore, but I felt silly,

13:37

but I don't know.

13:39

Yeah, you wore your I'm a stupid shirt.

13:43

So you only felt so silly. So what

13:47

were you going to wear on the 31st? So

13:50

this, but also the clown

13:52

hair and a macho glasses

13:55

and the nose and the arrow through the

13:57

head.

13:58

All the classics. Arrow 3.

13:59

the head the the groucho glass

14:02

the groucho glasses

14:03

classic

14:10

okay you're going full classic

14:13

sir is he leaving anything out

14:15

pocket full of beans brother don't forget that

14:17

how about a rubber chicken

14:20

stuffed up your asshole why

14:22

is a minute why

14:25

it's tough to finish asshole cuz

14:27

it's what he deserves yes

14:32

hands are full

14:36

perhaps he perhaps you could also have

14:39

a certain number of pollocks that you arrived

14:41

with at your Halloween party to fulfill

14:43

the pollock or polish joke of course

14:47

answering by the way his certain says

14:49

I'm with stupid what and he is alone

14:51

it seems what they profound

14:54

sense of on we is there an

14:57

existential crisis here we understand

15:00

what do you mean why a business don't forget I'm

15:02

a

15:02

psychopath I'm a psycho let's

15:04

cut to a novelty shop okay I'm a

15:13

stupid

15:19

federal bikini inspector

15:24

can I help you find anything yeah

15:28

I really think federal I'm torn

15:30

between these two I think federal bikini

15:33

inspector is really funny

15:36

it is yeah yeah

15:38

you can cross state lines and inspect bikinis

15:42

yeah yeah yeah and

15:45

state bikini inspector that wouldn't be as funny

15:47

right now I want you to understand

15:50

this shirt federal bikini inspector

15:52

is a legally binding

15:55

document purchasing and wearing this shirt

15:58

actually does give you the authority and

16:00

jurisdiction to inspect people's

16:02

bikinis anywhere in

16:04

the 48 continental United

16:07

States and Alaska and Hawaii

16:09

and Guam

16:12

that's everything that's all 50 states

16:15

yeah okay I

16:17

didn't realize that yeah okay

16:19

yeah

16:20

but

16:21

that that puts a lot of makes

16:24

me have a lot of questions about I'm with stupid then

16:26

is that binding somehow too yeah

16:29

well everybody you are

16:32

with will lose

16:34

several IQ points and a

16:38

lot of times they suffer incontinence

16:42

they choke on food a lot yeah

16:47

dad did you pick out your costume

16:50

yet I did I had a I had a

16:52

I was there for a while it came down to two choices

16:55

but look I got this one I'm

16:57

with stupid

16:59

oh and you're gonna go trick-or-treating with

17:01

me boss we

17:02

just got

17:05

in the big box of

17:10

one tequila to tequila three to kill a four

17:13

shots where it blurs out towards the bottom of

17:15

the shirt yeah are those

17:17

all supposed to be out here on the main shelves or do you

17:19

want someone in the back of the store wait a minute did you say

17:22

one tequila to tequila three tequila

17:24

four yeah cuz that's a misprint it is a misprint

17:27

I want tequila to tequila three tequila

17:29

four it's a misprint I wonder if it's actually valuable

17:31

because maybe it's like a stamp that gets done

17:34

wrong and so maybe

17:35

it's like maybe you charge a higher price

17:38

or anything

17:39

Wow

17:41

let me see though well we want

17:44

tequila to tequila three three

17:46

four counts out sequentially

17:48

the number of tequila's boss dad can we go

17:50

home I shit myself I used to be able

17:52

to

17:52

hold it

17:55

oh no this really is working

17:57

too fast too well Okay,

18:00

I want to exchange this sir. I will

18:03

win just got in some priceless misprinted

18:08

It says one to kill to use the people

18:10

to go for I remember we were saying before but

18:13

Usually usually there's like a pun at the end

18:15

of it, but like obviously there's a misprint here

18:17

So and this fades away. We see

18:19

he makes the federal bikini inspector

18:22

choice. We cut to a beach

18:25

All right perverts round up

18:27

Everyone's got their

18:29

shirts

18:29

and it's tits out there that need looking at

18:31

and Nipples that need

18:34

well if you're just circulating in the area you

18:36

could graze one with your hand and you're allowed to legally

18:38

do that

18:38

Yeah, I know I got right. I got right.

18:40

I'm entitled to a Top

18:42

lawyer or a fucking bottom lawyer as

18:44

well.

18:45

Oh, ma'am. You're not supposed to be in the

18:47

pervert meeting.

18:48

Oh, I'm sorry I just heard honey.

18:50

He wouldn't believe some of the things I do down in Fort

18:52

Deaf then honey

18:53

Actually, you know now that you're here ma'am we

18:55

could use a woman on the FBI.

18:57

Oh really? I've always wanted to be a

18:59

narc

19:01

Yeah, why don't you go tell the other gals

19:03

to

19:03

pray? Tiles

19:06

with some bikini clad women on it and

19:08

she approaches Hi

19:11

Come join us look y'all

19:14

look like you're having a good time down here at

19:16

the beach, but maybe too much of a good time

19:19

Are you not here? Wait a minute. Are

19:21

you with those federal bikini inspectors

19:24

recently? Yes, hold on Oh, no, because no

19:26

because I am having a problem I

19:29

have a defective bikini and I would love

19:31

some professional Inspection. Well,

19:33

honey, we don't inspect to help you we

19:36

inspect it in a way to possibly bring you

19:38

up on bikini related Hey, can I talk

19:40

to you for a second Beverly? What is it now

19:42

bitch? Thanks? Thanks

19:44

for joining, you know pervert patrol, but you

19:46

blew your cover almost immediately Well,

19:49

I didn't

19:49

I didn't go to any training I figured there would

19:51

be six weeks six months of training. You just put

19:53

me out there in the field Well, I'm learning

19:56

as I go. This is my training day girl.

19:57

I guess I'm learning too because I've never spoken

19:59

to it

19:59

woman before. So, why

20:01

is it that bad? Do you think

20:03

in your undercover you're wearing the

20:05

t-shirt?

20:06

Yeah, but it says FBI so you

20:08

don't know which one or how come. Is it Federal

20:11

Bureau of whatever or is it Federal

20:13

Bikini Inspector? Well,

20:15

that's not a bikini. Can somebody help

20:17

me because my bikini is defective. Let me

20:20

take a look, honey. Let me take a look. It is too tight in the back

20:22

and my big

20:22

large breasts are nearby

20:24

popping out of the thing. There's a little

20:27

quality control sticker that's a little circle.

20:29

We can just get rid of that. Uh-oh, you've been littering

20:31

with your little stickers. We cut to a week

20:33

later and it's the hardest day of training.

20:36

This will be the hardest day of training. This is where

20:38

we're going to make you guys talk to an actual

20:40

woman before we send you out on the beach. Okay,

20:44

so we're going to go through the first floor of Macy's

20:47

where they do the perfume

20:49

samples and the makeup samples

20:53

and you just have to be nice and talk to the

20:55

woman. You can make it all the way through the first

20:57

floor of Macy's. You pass.

21:00

Oh, hi gentlemen. Are you looking for a fragrance?

21:02

Maybe for a loved one, a girlfriend? Anything like that?

21:05

Uh,

21:06

yeah. Wow, fuck.

21:12

Do women always have perfume?

21:15

I'm sorry? Do women always have

21:17

perfume, ma'am? Sir,

21:21

you're shouting and a half-eaten sandwich has fallen out

21:23

of your mouth and plopped onto the floor.

21:25

Okay, yes, women always wear perfume.

21:28

It's something that women do. It's kind of a feminine

21:30

touch.

21:31

Uh-huh. So am

21:33

I allowed to be here as a man or is

21:36

that not allowed in our world today?

21:38

Okay, well, the rules of Macy's are a little

21:40

bit different from the rules of the world at large,

21:43

but men are allowed in the shop if they have

21:45

a beautiful wife and it's Valentine's

21:46

Day. Oh boy. Not

21:49

only do I not have a wife... He flashes back to his training.

21:51

Try not to be confrontational.

21:54

Try not to be an asshole. Just try to fit

21:56

in. Just make sure, make sure

21:58

you don't... yell at

22:00

someone the first time you meet them. It's

22:03

a federal bikini inspector. It's

22:05

a very soft office.

22:07

Sorry sir, are you talking to me?

22:08

Yeah, no, I just found one of the mirrors here in Macy's

22:11

to coach myself. Okay, so

22:13

rules here at Macy's are, mirrors are for boyfriend and

22:15

girlfriend. Boyfriend to stand behind and put a necklace around

22:17

the girlfriend's neck and say, do you like it?

22:19

Uh, I've

22:21

actually never talked to a girl before for very long, at

22:23

least with my adult years. Uh, so I'm learning

22:25

how to do it. Uh, just for professional training I'll

22:27

go through right now. Oh,

22:29

and we see, uh, just across the counter, we

22:31

see that exactly how to do it.

22:34

Um, do you like it?

22:37

Um, I mean, for real this time. What?

22:41

I always feel like you just say you like

22:43

it every time I put a necklace on, but we've

22:46

been together for over a year now. I

22:49

mean, do you like it?

22:51

I mean, yeah, it's a

22:54

small silver, uh, you

22:57

know, monkey with a giant

22:59

cock. I just

23:03

don't think I'd wear it. It's

23:06

interesting. I don't think I would wear it,

23:08

Troy. Is

23:11

it the silver cock or the

23:14

monkey or that it's silver? I

23:16

just think the monkey looks like

23:18

insane gripping his cock

23:21

and his eyes are bulging out and he's

23:23

like gnawing on the end of it. To a monkey that's not

23:25

insane. That's what they do. I just

23:27

don't love the necklace, Troy.

23:30

Okay, I know. Can I help you too with anything that

23:32

you're looking at that

23:32

you're like? Can I help you? Yes. You're

23:35

looking at our go apeshit for Valentine's Day section?

23:38

Yeah,

23:41

like

23:42

do people wear this? Like I

23:44

think it's an interesting sculpture,

23:46

but...

23:48

Of course, yes. A lot of women love to wear it. I would

23:50

be embarrassed. What does it say? The monkey

23:52

with the big swinging balls and the banana and the kind of you're wondering

23:54

is it shit or jizz that's going on? It's

23:56

kind of a, it's a part of Macy's, it's

23:58

part of Macy's premise.

23:59

Primal instinct line and

24:02

oh that means it's shit.

24:04

Yeah. Well, it's kind of up to the viewer, right?

24:06

It's a little jizzle jazzle of diamonds. Now.

24:08

What is it? Right? It's a jizzle.

24:10

Jazz. Well, so it's let her

24:12

talk stop Interrupting her

24:14

you don't interrupt me. I'm the one who's gonna buy

24:16

it. Excuse me. Hey boss, uh boss

24:20

We just got in a couple shipping boxes

24:23

of The jewelry

24:26

that it says guerrilla warfare But

24:29

it actually it just spelled like the Spanish

24:31

word guerrilla for the like, you know, the jungle

24:34

fighters So there was obviously supposed to

24:36

be a pun there I'm wondering

24:38

if it makes the jewelry more valuable or if it's still

24:40

just so we shouldn't try to get melted down or

24:42

something

24:42

Yeah, I think we should take it to the big melter. Okay.

24:45

Well, so, you know where that is,

24:47

right? Don't take

24:48

the elevator. Do I have to go

24:50

back to the I've got to go to my other job

24:52

later at the t-shirt store down

24:54

By the waterfront.

24:56

I know I know Well, but Macy's doesn't

24:58

stand for classic guerrilla warfare and you

25:00

know that we only stand for the monkey business kind of funny

25:02

kind. Okay Do

25:05

we ever just pass it down by

25:07

the big

25:07

Melter? Oh Melter

25:12

bubble bubble bubble

25:14

Come out I

25:22

mean no trouble and no harm merely

25:24

to melt my improperly

25:25

printed gold items

25:29

You keeping a small percentage for your

25:31

troubles If you

25:33

brought me to use the man in the background,

25:36

we see a lot of 2023 necklaces

25:39

being melted down. I Figured

25:41

you would just take a portion of the gold

25:43

that we melted and call it a deal Gorilla

25:47

Gorilla,

25:50

it's funny Yes,

25:53

Melter there there was supposed

25:55

to be a pun there, but of course it's just

25:58

simply a statement of Gorilla

26:00

warfare right great

26:02

for jewelry right

26:05

it's of no use to

26:06

me then Look

26:10

at him closely he's wearing the I'm

26:12

with stupid shirt

26:16

Oh

26:19

my god, I he swings

26:21

the I'm with stupid arrow around

26:23

and they get more and more stupid as oh I

26:26

didn't notice cuz I oh Oh

26:32

That's right melt or

26:35

my power is my shirt you

26:37

are with stupid I am with stupid and

26:39

it's

26:52

Your

26:54

past scenes are shorter

26:57

and longer over here

27:00

Give us a word give us a word

27:02

give us a suggestion

27:05

Anything anyone give

27:07

a word out just to get a conversation Play

27:11

oh, that's a good one Play

27:13

jorism. What's what's what's

27:16

something that has been stolen that has upset

27:18

you all recently anyone anyone

27:20

here have an opinion on that You're

27:22

like that idea was stolen. I'm

27:24

upset about that Well, obviously

27:26

the entire institution of Saturday night

27:29

life has founded on the stealing other

27:31

things We know this we

27:33

grown-ups in a free society can admit

27:35

this kind of thing How

27:37

can we not talk it's free people

27:40

openly about this? Yeah, let my

27:42

god, I grew up under communism and people are still

27:44

afraid to address these outright

27:47

jokes left Saturday night laughs We

27:50

can start there. Oh I See

27:54

now I realize the laughter was only from

27:56

on stage none of it was

28:04

So you think as an artist,

28:06

that has been a common act. My God, but why, how

28:09

can we blame him for this?

28:11

It's not every, it's not life itself,

28:13

an act of theft. This is one

28:15

of the ridiculous ideas that's central

28:18

to my philosophy, of course. Yes,

28:20

yes, that is a common philosophy

28:22

of blues, that you take a little,

28:25

take a little, add a little, that's what you're saying?

28:28

And of course there is the adage, the old,

28:31

the low culture adage that they say, great

28:34

writer, steal. Good

28:36

ones borrow and great ones

28:39

steal, of course. Okay, let's

28:41

go, seein' our maps, let's begin.

28:44

Right,

28:45

thanks for having me, Ed

28:47

Sheeran, as the musical guest.

28:48

I'm

28:51

in love with the shape of you. Anyways,

28:55

I was thinking for my monologue, I do like,

28:57

who's on first and all that. Who's

29:01

on first, why won't I say it? I don't know,

29:03

who's on first, could be funny. Okay,

29:06

you mean like, do a tribute to who's on first?

29:09

No, like, say that I wrote it. Say,

29:13

and now, is Joe Speyer Sheeran

29:15

and all that?

29:16

He gets to do the monologue

29:18

too, is he? Yeah. He's

29:21

been very aggressive since he's been on

29:24

set. Okay, there's

29:27

a lot of accusations out lately

29:29

that you've been stealing songs, I'm just

29:31

concerned that... What song have

29:32

they said I've stolen?

29:35

What? What song have they

29:37

said I've stolen?

29:38

I think it's a half dozen Marvin

29:40

Gaye songs. Also,

29:43

who's on first takes really two people? I

29:45

want to do that, you can't have a misunderstanding

29:48

with one person. Listen,

29:49

Rachel McAdams wants to encroach

29:51

on my territory, you're just the one in the sketches.

29:55

I'm doing the monologue, your

29:57

celebrity guest B, okay

29:59

Ray?

29:59

Sorry Rachel. Wow.

30:01

I wanna do Oozan first, buy

30:03

me one.

30:04

Can we just get a little taste of how you can

30:07

be confused when it's just one person? Oh,

30:09

oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh,

30:11

oh, oh. Oozan first.

30:13

Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what you mean? Then what? Oozan

30:15

second? I don't know. I don't know what

30:17

then, mate. I don't know what what what. I'm

30:19

picking on photo and moron that is.

30:21

He's just talking to himself

30:24

like Gollum.

30:25

Angel's monologue, crowd

30:27

goes wild. Best Saturday Night

30:29

Live in history.

30:30

Ed

30:32

Sheeran in it. Right.

30:38

I lo- it's impossible

30:41

and unfunny, I think it works.

30:43

Thanks.

30:47

Cheers, Lauren. Lauren, are you sure?

30:51

Ed was just supposed to be the music guest. He's kind

30:53

of... Well, yeah, anything that

30:55

encroaches on boundaries. Tickles

30:59

me in a certain way.

31:02

Oh. What are the

31:04

sketch ideas for me? You

31:07

know, I'm here to promote my

31:09

uh, the project.

31:12

Um, I'm

31:14

in that new, um, I'm

31:17

Rachel McAdams. I'm in, um...

31:20

Mean Girls reboot, innit? Was

31:23

I? Isn't there coming out of Mean Girls

31:25

reboot for Rachel McAdams and all that?

31:28

Really? Give us a kiss, then.

31:32

What was I- Ed did give us a taste.

31:37

Oh, well, give us a taste

31:39

of the Mean Girls reboot, then. Go on. Um...

31:44

I never saw- I mean, I was- Was

31:48

I? Yeah, you were the

31:50

Mean Girl. You

31:52

were the Mean Girl, Regina George. I went

31:55

to it all soon. Are you sure

31:56

that wasn't like Elizabeth Banks or something?

31:59

something Rachel

32:03

I noticed you showed up wearing an I'm with stupid

32:05

shirt the

32:09

arrow is spinning around

32:13

and we cut to the night of the show

32:15

and Ed is rehearsing in

32:17

the green room that is on first it

32:20

was on first and all that was all those what's that

32:22

no no not me I don't know I don't know

32:24

who who doesn't know what who who's

32:28

that knocking on my green room door nobody

32:32

wrong

32:38

door

32:38

who's on second I don't know the second

32:40

mate who's on what's that who's what's

32:43

that no his name is what's that what's

32:45

that what now what now is the coaches

32:47

of basketball team

32:51

that's at home running

32:53

it sliding into first sliding into first

32:55

who knows that's the name my name is

32:57

no woman's name she's my wife

33:03

pop

33:09

ball pop ball that's me grandpa's name who

33:11

is your grandpa I'm

33:13

saying I want

33:18

to go back to Halloween who here has a

33:20

Halloween costume from there from their

33:22

childhood they'd like to tell us about that they were very proud

33:25

of that they took a lot of time

33:26

making that maybe their parents

33:28

helped them make

33:30

feedback there you go you

33:36

dress up as Elvis

33:40

thank you thank you very much so you

33:42

had a stick

33:50

wait was Priscilla three oh

33:53

nice nice

33:56

Randy

35:59

and that's how come Jesus got to meet

36:02

a good one.

36:03

So in the comic book Bible, it's

36:06

very hard for me to do the same. That

36:09

is not funny. Okay.

36:13

Can't you just use pillows?

36:15

No, people will know pillows don't have little

36:16

delicate toe prints pressing out on the

36:18

outside. I need my brothers

36:20

to curl up in a little ball.

36:21

That doesn't sound fun

36:23

for them. And then when

36:24

other trick-or-treaters come by, I can go, oh, put

36:26

your hand, the babies are kicking. And then my brothers

36:28

can wiggle their little toes, they'll be authentic.

36:31

Does that sound fun for you guys?

36:34

No, it reminds me of last year when

36:36

she forced us to play Ignorance

36:38

and Want in her Ghost

36:40

of Christmas Future costume, where

36:42

she opened the dress and we were just starving

36:45

underneath her. Either

36:47

way, I gotta get my brothers under my clothes.

36:52

I want to be an

36:54

old woman's belly button. And

36:58

I want my brothers to be

37:00

her sagging breasts dangling

37:02

down.

37:03

I

37:06

thought you were going to say lint. You're

37:08

not even strong

37:08

enough to carry me as a breast. No,

37:11

you walk behind

37:13

me and dangle

37:14

over.

37:18

We can be that for Easter. Let me

37:20

have this one.

37:26

Dad, where's Mom?

37:27

What?

37:31

Where's Mom gone?

37:34

She didn't want to do the

37:37

costume with me.

37:40

This really... What? You mean our

37:42

sins are reflected in an older generation as

37:44

well?

37:49

I just wanted to be salt.

37:55

I just wanted her to be the other thing.

37:57

Wound? Vinegar?

37:59

Uh,

38:04

uh, the fields of Carthage?

38:08

Have a guess, younger brother. Uh,

38:12

uh, uh, slug? B-battery?

38:15

B-battery? Dad! Dad,

38:18

these are great costumes! We

38:20

don't have to have our own ages! We

38:24

can help you do your costume and we won't need mom anymore!

38:27

Yeah, you can be salt. I'll be margarita

38:29

glass. You'll be slug and that one will

38:31

be battery! All the

38:33

green suits and salt! Auntie

38:36

Anne, you had a beautiful

38:38

ending.

38:39

Oh,

38:41

moving my poo poo. What

38:43

are you dressed as?

38:47

A ceiling fan. Let's

38:50

go ceiling. And

38:55

she has a cappella on her head.

38:59

I am, this is a very good costume

39:01

because already I am looking at you

39:03

frightened that you could fall down and kill

39:05

me in my sleep even though it has never

39:08

happened historically. Every

39:10

time you look at it you go and write it where fall

39:12

down and chop me to pieces.

39:16

All right, and,

39:19

uh, we're gonna, we

39:21

just need to come back Monday and tighten

39:23

up the ceiling fan and we'll be done with the remodel.

39:26

I just suggest you

39:28

don't move in till Monday. Well

39:30

what do you mean? We

39:34

don't have anywhere to go. Yeah, we were,

39:36

we already got rid of our last condo.

39:39

We're done with our condo and we had nowhere else to go. We've

39:41

got our boxes right here. It's August,

39:44

it's sweltering hot. What are we supposed to

39:46

do? All

39:48

right, 5 p.m. on a Friday and I gotta

39:50

go home and we have not, we haven't

39:52

totally screwed in that. How

39:55

long does it take to finish screwing in? I

39:57

mean you partially screwed in the. About

40:00

a half hour. I'm not I'm

40:03

not like I'm not like a home-proof an expert,

40:05

you know um So I

40:07

don't know personally But um, I

40:09

think it yeah I just would just wait until Monday

40:12

where we can screw it in and test

40:14

it and then you can move in Monday Or

40:17

you can move in now and risk having a ceiling

40:20

fan. It isn't completely screwed in. I mean

40:22

what's the sounds fine, right? Mark,

40:24

I mean, I mean, I mean

40:27

what could I never Well,

40:29

you know turn it on just

40:31

you can go Friday Saturday

40:33

and Sunday without Yeah,

40:35

sure. I mean it's April. It's not

40:37

that hard. No, it's August You

40:41

guys getting your a month mixed up

40:43

I do sometimes right I do that

40:46

sometimes they also mix up January and June

40:49

You're blocking out the last four months.

40:51

Come look. I'm not gonna help. We just went

40:54

through buying a house. I'm not surprised

40:57

I'm not look I'm a professional. Okay,

41:00

I'm I work in accounting

41:01

I'm not good at home improvement

41:03

or like or any kind of like non

41:05

numerical Information.

41:08

Okay. Well just don't turn on the fan.

41:10

Okay. Okay. I can handle that this

41:13

switch turns on the fan Just don't touch that

41:15

switch. Okay, you turned

41:17

it on. I'll turn it off. Okay Bounce

41:27

around the room like a street saver don't

41:29

reach that it Just

41:32

reach that it like a cat gotta excuse

41:34

him. He hasn't owned a new computer since 1998 Well,

41:39

thank God it clanked to a halt here in a

41:41

corner I guess that unless

41:44

there's other fans in the house. We're probably home

41:46

home and free just to move into our new

41:48

house Yep, just don't

41:50

turn on the fan. And if you do just don't stand

41:53

underneath it and everything should be Does that go for

41:55

just this fan or all the other for 14

41:57

other fans and all the different rooms? Yeah how

42:00

many fans of you have screwed in i

42:03

did remember that on the second floor there's

42:05

a fair there's a fair room where there's

42:07

like eight and sit in one room

42:10

area well you want to get out of that room

42:12

to monday we

42:14

can't do uh... saturday morning

42:17

it's a little harder than the day before

42:20

like i do agree there

42:24

is a high-income everywhere i can barely

42:27

remember i almost passed out it its

42:30

a plus and this is a Silkwalk

42:35

project by

42:43

although world

42:47

tri income all

42:51

about on with

42:54

tomorrow liberals

42:56

i thought uh... pro actually we were

42:58

just gonna get in the shower we're

43:01

just pre-regaming our skin regimen

43:04

oh great well listen i just wanted to come

43:06

over and welcome you to the neighborhood thank you

43:08

so much yeah i am a single

43:11

white woman and um... if

43:13

i come in to take a look around and something

43:15

bad happens to me and i die in here

43:18

could be bad luck for you guys now its just something

43:20

i say to everyone when i meet them

43:21

uh... my

43:24

pickle around please please uh...

43:27

our house is your house always good to be involved

43:30

in the room look at this living room mind if i

43:32

turn on the fan well well well

43:38

we have to talk about it up and

43:40

there is a long with all the fans in the house it's

43:44

not good rob the

43:46

house is covered in cum forget

43:50

dumb the Will

43:54

Governor not

44:00

Oh no, um... Yeah,

44:02

open up. FBI here, not the bikini kind.

44:07

Uh... What's going on, cum guzzler?

44:09

What is it, boy? Gotta

44:11

scream. You

44:13

hear awful facts for

44:16

a local investigation.

44:17

Yeah, I'm stationed out in the cul-de-sac,

44:20

cause a white woman lives here.

44:22

Is

44:24

everything okay?

44:26

Is this your jurisdiction? This

44:28

is not cross state lines. Leave

44:30

my fucking t-shirt. FBI. But

44:33

actually your t-shirt does say federal

44:36

bikini inspection. Yeah, but the back says Federal

44:38

Bureau of Investigation or whatever the serious

44:40

one is. Oh, must have been one of those misprinted t-shirts.

44:43

Yeah, I got it at Spirit Halloween. But

44:45

I have the designation to do both

44:47

jobs. So suck my dick if

44:49

you're not already filled up on sucking dicks as it

44:51

looks like you are. Jesus! Yeah.

44:55

Talk to us like that. That seems very aggressive.

44:58

We were just being welcomed to the neighborhood by our...

45:01

Wait, I shouldn't talk about that. I mean... We

45:03

swallow. If we were sucking dicks,

45:05

it wouldn't be on the floor. We

45:09

swallow. This is just... We were so

45:11

excited about how hot we swallowed that this

45:13

came out afterwards. Al,

45:15

you're asked? Yeah, Wherill.

45:17

I mean, Wherill... You don't have to answer

45:19

his questions, Rob. Yes, you

45:21

do.

45:21

That's right. I need a lawyer. You

45:24

never talk to the FBI is what they say on

45:27

all the blogs. Fine. We cut

45:29

to them with their lawyers. Okay. Now,

45:32

we've got a couple of things going on here. Yeah,

45:34

thanks for coming down a short notice. I

45:37

need a lawyer. Okay, the good news

45:39

is the detectives

45:41

aren't asking or seem to be concerned about

45:44

the blood. Good. Good. They're

45:47

more fascinated with the amount of

45:49

cum and where it is. You're

45:52

saying we could spin this at some kind of just pure

45:54

sex perversion case? I'm

45:57

just saying they have yet to have

45:59

it.

45:59

Ask any questions about the blood.

46:02

We can keep them on the come. We can get you off

46:04

a murder charge and we'll just think you're fucked

46:06

up.

46:09

Is that a crime? To be fucked up? No,

46:11

it's not. Yeah. Don't get

46:13

too defensive, guys. It's not a crime. Well,

46:16

I'm here to defend my reputation. Yeah, I mean,

46:18

I didn't kill anyone. He's a popular

46:21

accountant. She... It's not

46:23

a crime. I have a deal

46:24

of great things. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everyone quiet

46:26

down. I'd like you to take a look at this.

46:28

Jesus.

46:30

Exhibit A, pictures

46:32

of the crime scene. We see a woman here laying

46:34

on the ground and there is a bunch of different liquids

46:37

around. I have with me little cups of each

46:39

of the liquids. Now everyone's gonna have a little

46:41

taste. Then we're gonna do a

46:43

vote on what is what. We see everyone's in the jury doing

46:45

a little taste test. Okay,

46:47

first everyone's getting the red flavor.

46:50

Now here comes the white. Take your

46:52

time, take both, and there are coffee beans for

46:54

you to nibble on in between. We

46:56

see this is sponsored by Diet Pepsi. Counsel!

47:01

Sidebar, please. Both turns from us. Counsel!

47:05

I find it highly unorthodox that you're

47:08

distributing shots of cum

47:11

as samples to be tasted by

47:13

the jury. Is there a valid reason you're prudent

47:15

for this? Objection, Your Honor. We can't assume it's

47:17

cum until we've all tasted it.

47:18

Objection

47:21

sustained, I understand. I

47:25

understand that cum can only be in the red

47:27

and the brown. My question, Counsel. And

47:30

Counsel, you will not interrupt

47:32

me again or I will find you in contempt and

47:34

come to the court. Now what

47:37

I wanna know is, is it necessary for the jury

47:39

to taste the cum or does that

47:40

taste like it? Sorry, Your Honor. My

47:43

stenography machine is

47:45

all sticky now and

47:47

the keys aren't working properly.

47:50

Oh, Linda, you just keep

47:52

looking pretty there. Oh, Your

47:54

Honor. You got your nails

47:56

and your hair done the way it is. You

47:59

just.

47:59

You awaited jail.

48:01

Now I'm gonna hold

48:03

you in contempt if you keep that up,

48:06

but you're gonna lie again. I plead

48:07

the 69th.

48:13

Objection, Your Honor?

48:15

Objection

48:17

overruled. Why can't we not have

48:19

an expert determine the taste that come not

48:22

taint the entire jury pool? Oh, are you

48:24

saying the stenographer is an expert in tasting

48:27

bodily fluids? Well now.

48:28

I mean, she sure is

48:30

flicking her fingers like she is. She

48:34

sure her fingers move fast when they

48:36

need to. I

48:38

have been known to go

48:41

around the block a

48:43

bit.

48:43

Let me try.

48:46

Fine, we're gonna have to take one of the samples

48:48

from the jury. Well, I guess this is

48:50

that we're gonna allow, it's unorthodox,

48:52

but we're gonna allow this one. Okay,

48:54

close your eyes so you don't know if you're getting white, red,

48:56

or brown. Okay. There,

49:00

taste.

49:00

Mmm.

49:02

Um...

49:07

She's thinking that's

49:09

come from... Oh?

49:15

Aye, wait, wait!

49:18

Your Honor, she was gonna say

49:19

who the comment's from.

49:23

Did you...

49:24

Sorry, you...

49:25

Can you? Can she?

49:26

Oh please, no, I didn't like the

49:29

disruption from the rest of the room. Oh,

49:31

oh,

49:32

I was gonna say Brazilian anteater.

49:35

Council?

49:41

Uh, this fucks my entire case. Um...

49:47

Ladies and gentlemen, the jury, some of you are, I

49:49

see that some of you are actually taking seconds

49:51

of your cumshot. I'm saying

49:55

nothing

49:57

wrong with a little

49:58

taste.

49:59

Of anything. Of

50:03

anything. Let's

50:05

get a suggestion from over here. Just any word.

50:08

Just a sparks some conversation. Sugar

50:12

Rush. Yes,

50:15

OK.

50:16

Anybody here have children? Anyone

50:20

ever have a child? No one? This is

50:22

an odd crowd. Don't know about meatloaf.

50:24

Don't have children. We

50:26

see the suggestion, would sugar rush

50:28

or the Icelandic band Siegel Rose?

50:33

To me, they are equally familiar.

50:36

Nice one. That's a good reference. I

50:41

think sugar rush was what they're saying. Sugar

50:43

rush, you'll get on Halloween. I've

50:45

noticed children

50:48

will have dessert and be very happy

50:50

and talk to them like they're on cocaine

50:52

after a sugar rush. I've

50:55

noticed that. I've never had a child. Also,

50:59

for an aging generics philosopher,

51:02

Siegel Rose has the same effect.

51:03

Oh, really? Interesting.

51:09

OK. I've

51:11

heard it's

51:13

an urban myth, the sugar rush.

51:15

It doesn't actually have that effect. Is

51:19

it not real? That's

51:21

what I've read.

51:24

Can we cut to a candy store?

51:28

OK. You guys

51:30

only

51:32

get two pieces each, or

51:34

else you're going to go too crazy. I can't

51:37

have that much more. Two pieces?

51:38

Mom. Come on, dad. Mom

51:40

will let us. Yeah. I

51:43

mean, we were

51:46

helped out with your costume and everything. And now our

51:48

payoff is that we only get two pieces of candy?

51:51

Two loose pieces of candy?

51:53

Come on. I'm tired from carrying my brothers around

51:55

in my womb.

51:58

Oh my god.

51:59

Rollo and a hard candy

52:02

being your being in your house is like being in jail

52:04

dad Okay, you each

52:06

get three pieces of candy.

52:09

I want a fucking king-size Snickers

52:11

dad It's

52:14

not even so like so

52:17

like one and a half packages of Reese's

52:19

cups We worry about we're gonna go

52:21

crazier than you're making us right now Scaring

52:25

me you scare me We grew up a

52:27

little bit in the last week and so you should

52:30

be scared You

52:32

guys are coming on a little strong. There's three of you.

52:34

You're starting to intimidate Yeah,

52:35

there's three of us and one of you.

52:37

Yeah,

52:37

so do with the program fuckface You

52:40

shouldn't have got rid of mom pieces of

52:42

candy got rid of mom dickhead

52:44

now. You're outnumbered Stop

52:47

squeezing me. Yeah

52:48

living with you is like living in prison, but you're

52:50

not the warden. You're the shithole so

52:53

bend down

52:55

Yeah, or guess what I got a

52:57

switchblade I'll use it Dad

53:00

we cut to a half hour later in the candy

53:02

store. They've they now each There's

53:06

been a deal. They can each have a dozen pieces

53:08

of candy each. They're about halfway

53:10

through their journey. Come on guys Just

53:13

pick choose and we got to get out of here. You're

53:15

on thin ice This was a tenuous

53:17

piece that you negotiated and we went

53:20

for it, but it will not hold in the long

53:22

run

53:22

I'm undecided should I have a now

53:24

and later now? And

53:31

another time

53:34

You have to choose it now, what have you chosen

53:36

James I Have

53:39

just a bunch of gobsaw person. I'm starting to feel

53:41

a sugar rush from it. You're already eating

53:43

Well, fuck yeah, it's my candy dad I only got 12

53:46

pieces and I went for a small one

53:48

cuz I'm what try to watch

53:50

how much blue number two I didn't take into my

53:52

system Lisa

53:54

what have you chosen?

53:55

I got another bitter big bar in a big fat

53:57

fucking millionaire

53:59

I'm high on candy and I want a

54:01

new dad.

54:04

Well, I'm all you get. What'd you say you have a

54:06

millionaire?

54:07

We cut through the dad auditions.

54:09

Alright,

54:12

everybody line up.

54:13

You got three little adorable little cuties. Who

54:16

wants to be our daddy? Who's up first? Um,

54:18

state your name and your height

54:19

and where you're from. Uh,

54:21

Tom Jeffries. I'm

54:24

from Kansas City. Hi.

54:27

Six.

54:31

Six? I'm six. Five

54:35

years old or feet tall? I'm six feet

54:37

tall. What have you prepared to us today, Mr.

54:40

Jeffries, for your audition to be the father

54:42

of the new father? What have you auditioned for? My

54:45

brother eats so much candy. He's British now.

54:49

I figure for auditioning, there has to be a country

54:51

British one on the town. Well,

54:55

I'm a Cub Scout leader and

54:58

I like to go on camping trips and

55:01

I enjoy fishing and

55:03

I look forward to going on a fishing trip with

55:05

the three of you. Well, Mr.

55:07

Jeffries, that was fantastic. Fantasticly

55:10

bad. You

55:13

will not be joining our family as our father. Next!

55:16

Ooh, who's this little curly-haired

55:18

freak? A

55:20

short one with a

55:21

little belly. I like it. What's your name? Hi there!

55:24

Whoa.

55:28

Next! Disgusting.

55:34

Meet him up at the access building.

55:38

Who is that asshole? Hi.

55:42

A mommy? My

55:46

name is Melinda. I heard

55:49

about these daddy auditions and thought I

55:51

should

55:52

give it a try myself. I've always wanted to be a daddy.

55:54

I've been a mommy my whole life. Oh,

55:56

we've never had a mommy. A mommy

55:59

for a daddy? Whoa,

56:01

I'm intrigued. Let me spin my chair around. I'm,

56:03

uh, just to tell you

56:09

a little about myself. I'm a Girl

56:11

Scout leader. And

56:14

I like to go on camping trips. And

56:17

I enjoy fishing. This is the first fucking

56:19

guy in a wig.

56:22

You're disgusting. God

56:25

damn it. There's

56:28

no reason to be the father of these children. Hi. No,

56:32

I

56:33

see this. Is this the

56:35

best we're going to come up with? Okay, brothers, brothers,

56:37

huddle up,

56:37

huddle up. Do we even need a

56:39

dad or should we just go rogue and live in the trees and

56:41

do pissing and pooping and the leaves and eating

56:44

candy

56:44

for breakfast and dinner? Great,

56:46

yeah. We'll last at least a month doing

56:48

it this way. And that's what

56:50

they did. And that's what all children think. Without

56:53

parents, we can eat ice cream and candy. But

56:56

soon there is a lot of diarrhea. And they're

56:59

a month into this process of...

57:01

And also, they just went kind of 30 yards

57:05

into a public park, not really deep

57:07

into the woods. Kids

57:09

rule! Kids rule! I'm

57:12

hungry.

57:14

My arm is broken. Okay,

57:16

okay. Let's make a plan. Let's make a plan.

57:19

First of all, we need to do all our diarrhea

57:22

in one place over there, okay?

57:26

Next to the baseball field. Suddenly a frisbee

57:28

from a picnic lands near them.

57:31

Oh. And a

57:33

boy comes. Oh, here's my frisbee. Oh, hi.

57:36

Hi. Wait, wait, wait. You

57:39

look like your man. Hey, back

57:42

up. No, no, no, no. You want to play? You

57:44

have a picnic over there? What, he got some

57:46

German nucarestelle? Yeah,

57:48

what's your story? Your chief's a little red and rosy

57:50

like you got a good mommy. Yeah.

57:53

Well, I'm with my parents over there. We're

57:55

just playing frisbee and stuff. Oh, I'm

57:57

looking at him and I'm saying, as I look at him, he kind of... turns

58:00

into a cooked chicken with

58:02

like heat waves coming off.

58:05

He's got a bit of a

58:06

chickeny vibe going on. Wow,

58:08

is that sunscreen making you look so oily?

58:10

Hey, do you want to join a cool

58:12

new society in the woods? Yeah,

58:14

we live in the woods like Robin Hood.

58:16

Smells

58:18

like diarrhea here. Not

58:20

for long, we're gonna start doing it over there. Yeah,

58:24

as soon as we get some better food, our

58:27

stools are gonna get a lot more normal. I

58:30

tell you what, we didn't eat all our picnic. We

58:32

need to bring you back some stuff from our picnic. Oh,

58:35

wow, I still see him as a chicken, but

58:37

he also helps me get other food. Okay, bring

58:40

back a garnish. Five minutes later, the chicken

58:42

brings back a chicken. I

58:45

don't know which one to eat. Yeah,

58:46

some chicken left over. He

58:49

brought a piece of food that looks exactly

58:52

like how I've been seeing him. Which

58:54

one is it ethical to eat? The

58:57

smaller one probably? To him, he just sees

58:59

a chicken holding another chicken.

59:01

Brothers, brothers, gather

59:02

up. I know this riddle. It's the two chickens.

59:04

One always lies and

59:05

the other always tells the truth. Right. Yeah,

59:08

ask one. Which, which, you chickens, explain.

59:10

Which one of you is a chicken and which one is

59:12

a real person? I'm

59:15

not a chicken, I'm a little boy. And, and?

59:17

I'm not a chicken, I'm a little boy. Fuck!

59:25

Quiz us. Um,

59:28

how, what temperature

59:30

were you cooked

59:31

at?

59:34

145. I don't

59:37

even know what temperature things are cooked at.

59:39

That was less trustworthy, though. That's

59:41

what a chicken would say. Trying

59:43

not to get eaten, knowing very well

59:46

exactly how much. But 145 is

59:48

way too low. It's too low of a temperature,

59:50

too. That's

59:53

just, you could, you could warm it up on 145. Sort

59:59

of too low.

59:59

cook anything really. Hey wait a minute.

1:00:03

I noticed that there's like you got a you've got

1:00:05

a you got a big apple stuffed

1:00:08

somewhere inside of you. Where's the apple

1:00:10

stuff? What's this question?

1:00:12

You got an apple stuffed inside of you.

1:00:15

Where is it? Okay.

1:00:19

In my throat. In my stomach.

1:00:22

Neither one of them said in their ass. What

1:00:25

are we doing? We're quizzing

1:00:28

two chickens to see

1:00:30

which one. Duh. Why don't we just eat both chickens?

1:00:33

If it is a kid that we just met, which one is a chicken

1:00:35

he's trying to give us? Let's just eat one and whatever

1:00:37

one we got. For the leftovers? Yeah. Oh

1:00:40

I'll just I'll rip off one of

1:00:42

the arms. And

1:00:44

they eat the boy.

1:00:48

Well I guess I should have stopped

1:00:50

when there was like a Nintendo

1:00:53

GoPro Gameboy.

1:00:56

I'm sorry it was what it takes pictures too. I

1:00:58

was about to say a Nintendo

1:01:00

product that you strap to a helmet

1:01:02

and go snowboarding? Well.

1:01:05

You can love those. Maybe

1:01:08

I can rig it up and to finally live out my Sonic

1:01:10

the Hedgehog. Vanishing.

1:01:12

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Insane. Insane.

1:01:20

How about this area right here? Let's get a suggestion.

1:01:22

Just to get something. Just a word. Any word?

1:01:26

Mustache. Mustache. Hmm.

1:01:29

Never had one.

1:01:31

I'm sorry.

1:01:35

By the way I am wearing a costume

1:01:38

for myself. I go into

1:01:41

the Halloween store and there is the

1:01:43

pre-packaged Slavoj Zizek

1:01:45

costume. Which interestingly

1:01:47

is the same thing if you get a costume

1:01:50

that it says I want to go for Halloween as Adbusters

1:01:52

magazine. It looks exactly

1:01:54

the same at least. What I mean. Is

1:01:58

it the same age you are? You're a costume? Apparently,

1:02:01

yes. And it smells like rotten

1:02:04

mildew, it smells like

1:02:06

academic journals that have slowly yellowed

1:02:09

into sun. It smells like

1:02:11

a number of storage spaces that have been

1:02:13

slept in. And so

1:02:16

on, etc. So,

1:02:18

mustache, mustache. I

1:02:22

had a mustache, brother, oh yeah.

1:02:24

Creamed a crop mustache and I was wearing a Poro La

1:02:26

Vaz. And then I had an allergic reaction to the

1:02:28

glue, brother, yeah. So

1:02:31

now I'm cleanly shaven, brother, oh yeah.

1:02:36

So, slightly less macho,

1:02:38

man, Randy Savage. The fuck you say? Pubescent

1:02:43

man, Randy Savage, perhaps.

1:02:45

Yeah. We

1:02:49

cut to some

1:02:52

ladies talking. I've never

1:02:55

dated a guy with

1:02:56

a mustache. I think we've got to that point.

1:02:59

I think we're going to kiss on

1:03:01

this next date. Oh

1:03:02

my God, that's so exciting. You

1:03:04

know what kind of food or crumbs he might have in it? That's

1:03:08

what I'm worried about. Have you kissed someone

1:03:10

with a mustache before?

1:03:11

Yes, but I only date guys who like the foods

1:03:13

that I like so I can have seconds of the foods that I like

1:03:15

when

1:03:15

I'm... Do

1:03:17

you get chunks of food or

1:03:19

is it despises? Sometimes full

1:03:21

chunks, sometimes full shrimp. You should

1:03:23

be careful. Yeah, because you should be careful

1:03:25

with your shellfish allergy. Just choose someone who didn't

1:03:28

have shrimp for brekkie or whatever because it'll

1:03:30

be there and you'll have it. And

1:03:32

honey, if you're lucky, you get down

1:03:34

there and you scratch it out. If you got an

1:03:36

itch down there, just hold them down and just rub

1:03:39

on it. You wouldn't

1:03:41

believe some of the things I've done down in Sandestin.

1:03:44

Hey Charlene, ladies, are

1:03:46

you ready for our date? Oh,

1:03:48

here he is. Hi, this is

1:03:50

my new boyfriend. Oh, hi.

1:03:54

Hi. I think my name is Linda.

1:03:56

I'm from Sandestin. You don't want me to

1:03:58

get started on my story, honey.

1:03:59

Well, I'm Rick. And

1:04:02

I'm taking this lucky little lady bobbin'

1:04:04

for mashed potatoes. Oh. I

1:04:09

guess it's a special thing around here.

1:04:12

Wow. And so she tells us

1:04:14

that you two haven't done the big K-I-S-S.

1:04:16

Why did you say that? Oh, Charlie.

1:04:19

Sorry. Oh, Charlie. Carefully,

1:04:22

she says that. Oh, it's true, but we've

1:04:24

done everything else. Yeah,

1:04:26

please. Everywhere

1:04:28

but the mouth. Everywhere but

1:04:31

the mouth. Oh, yeah. Mostly

1:04:34

anal, but not a kiss yet. Honey,

1:04:37

you mean you had this broom scrape

1:04:39

across your little behind? Yes,

1:04:42

I have. Oh, Lord. Woo, you're getting

1:04:44

too hot for me.

1:04:47

I've been told now that we're talking

1:04:49

about that sometimes a chunk of food might

1:04:52

be in your mustache. What have you eaten

1:04:54

today?

1:04:55

Besides your ass? Yeah.

1:05:00

Oh, well. Honey,

1:05:03

I'm going to need another tea. I

1:05:06

had some quadratinees

1:05:08

with breakfast.

1:05:10

I don't know what those are. Those are those

1:05:12

little wafer things. Little of their

1:05:15

little Italian cookies. Yeah, their little

1:05:17

Italian cookies. They got little

1:05:19

flavors baked into them. I

1:05:22

get the ones, the Pepperidge Farm ones, down at Publix.

1:05:24

They are delicious, sweetheart. I

1:05:27

get mine at Jones on 3rd. Anyway.

1:05:31

At the bar? At

1:05:34

the bar?

1:05:35

No.

1:05:38

Stop flirting with my boy

1:05:40

for him. Well,

1:05:42

honey, this was a girl's brunch.

1:05:47

And I wasn't the one that invited the mustache

1:05:49

in. If I was, you'd see I've

1:05:52

had bigger mustaches lately in my love

1:05:54

life.

1:05:55

Oh. Bracing

1:05:57

up the day, little honey. I'm here to take you out

1:05:59

for a party.

1:05:59

pizza oh hubba hubba

1:06:02

hubba how about my niece you'dy pine suck

1:06:04

on this mustache

1:06:05

oh you see this new fellas mustache

1:06:08

goes all the way down to his knees oh he

1:06:10

likes that pepperoni in there darlin he

1:06:13

likes it when I suck on his mustache

1:06:16

get it nice and wet turn it into

1:06:18

dread back it up and lick

1:06:20

it down I twist it around

1:06:23

inside my mouth so when I'm I

1:06:26

suck out of it it looks like he's some kind

1:06:28

of James addiction fan

1:06:31

my sweetie savers every drop

1:06:33

you look like new lovers

1:06:36

a little awkward about tonight

1:06:39

a little self-conscious now my mustache

1:06:41

is too small and too clean

1:06:44

oh well nonsense you know there's the big bobbin

1:06:47

for mashed potatoes fair tonight

1:06:51

I'm about to have my face down in a

1:06:53

bucket of mashed potatoes that's right sour

1:06:56

cream ketchup bacon beans and all

1:06:58

you better believe it honey

1:07:01

you had better believe it and when I'm facedown

1:07:03

in a bucket full of mashed potatoes and bacon and

1:07:05

everything on it I'm not going to be

1:07:07

able to do anything to stop that mustache

1:07:10

from doing whatever it needs to that's

1:07:12

right you to get a look at my girls charming

1:07:14

white smile because it's the last time you're gonna see those pearly

1:07:16

whites without my mustache hairs in between

1:07:18

each and every single

1:07:19

one ain't

1:07:22

that right darling that is right darling and then

1:07:24

thank you to honey bunny flip it up and

1:07:26

slip it down and luckily I brought I

1:07:29

have extra long cigarettes that I can still

1:07:32

smoke from underneath the pile of mashed potatoes

1:07:34

hell yeah you do y'all

1:07:37

want to meet up later when we're all drunk on hairs

1:07:39

and fucking

1:07:40

Oh Charlene

1:07:43

if it's okay with you I'd like

1:07:46

to reschedule our date I'm not feeling

1:07:48

very must have a sheet and I don't know

1:07:51

you've emasculated my mustache man

1:07:54

well he he could he could emasculate

1:07:56

Frederick Nietzsche with the size of this

1:07:58

mud

1:07:59

And saying,

1:08:02

oh I'm saying, I got

1:08:04

how I spoke.

1:08:09

I see the guys with

1:08:11

mustaches cleaning the food out as

1:08:13

we speak. It's a little odd. Have

1:08:16

you tasted mustache? You've tasted food as

1:08:18

a mustache, haven't you, ma'am? You

1:08:21

haven't?

1:08:24

You guys came late, so I'm going to

1:08:26

ask you a question we asked earlier. What

1:08:29

costume do you remember dressing up as

1:08:31

a child, ma'am?

1:08:34

Halloween costume. A Hershey's

1:08:36

Kiss, that's what I'm saying. I remember that. How

1:08:38

did you do that? Did you root yourself

1:08:40

or was it a bot costume? Did you get a lot of foil?

1:08:47

Okay. Do you have

1:08:49

the receipt? Was

1:08:55

it an almond Hershey's Kiss?

1:08:57

Wait, I forgot. I was in character.

1:09:03

Was there an almond inside

1:09:05

of the Hershey's Kiss, or was

1:09:07

it some other form of a purely chocolate

1:09:10

interior?

1:09:11

Fascinating.

1:09:12

If you're looking for a nut

1:09:15

wrapped in tin foil, we got one right there.

1:09:17

Stop

1:09:19

it. Good one, London. Stop it. Much.

1:09:24

Angry Oreo is getting it from all

1:09:26

sides, I have to say. Thank

1:09:31

you for remembering my name. I

1:09:33

assumed I had deliberately gotten

1:09:35

it wrong. No, it's Angry Oreo. Et

1:09:38

cetera. Angry, angry. This

1:09:41

I believe. What? I

1:09:43

say I'm sputtering. I'm just sputtering.

1:09:46

This is default. This is first

1:09:48

gear. I'm just talking to hear myself

1:09:51

continue, et cetera, and so forth. My

1:09:55

God, the crisis. We

1:09:59

can't

1:09:59

do this.

1:09:59

to a costume shop.

1:10:02

It's the day before Halloween when most of the

1:10:04

costumes are gone. And just

1:10:07

in fact... Well,

1:10:11

we do have a ghost costume left,

1:10:14

which is a

1:10:16

classic sheet with the holes in it. Two eye

1:10:19

holes and a sheet.

1:10:21

Is it like sexy, like there are the holes down

1:10:23

lower than I think?

1:10:24

There's no

1:10:26

cleavage window, that's

1:10:28

what you're asking. Aww,

1:10:30

so it's just for eyes? That sucks.

1:10:32

Just not sure if I can

1:10:34

go for... I like the way it looks. It's just

1:10:36

a big step for me to commit

1:10:39

to the purchase at this time. It's

1:10:41

all we got left in the store. Let

1:10:44

me look at the price tag. It's $65. Is

1:10:46

there anything you could do? Could take a little... Is

1:10:49

there any deal you could make here in person, maybe? Because

1:10:52

we just bought a house. I

1:10:56

guess I could knock $5 off it. $60 for the last ghost costume. My

1:11:04

boyfriend

1:11:04

really needs me to be something sexier. He

1:11:06

said we're probably going to break

1:11:07

up by Christmas. I

1:11:10

guess you could poke your nipples

1:11:12

out of the ghost eye holes. What

1:11:15

are the monthly payments going to be like on a three

1:11:18

year lease for this ghost costume?

1:11:22

I'm going to have to talk to my boss. We got to

1:11:24

see what we can do. Can we have

1:11:26

a minute if you wanted to do that? We're still interested.

1:11:29

He goes into the back, we see a window where

1:11:31

he's talking to his boss.

1:11:34

I don't know, I think... Maybe I feel good

1:11:36

about this. Baby, you work at Chase Bank.

1:11:39

Hold on, man. Baby. Do

1:11:42

you think that would help to approve the loan

1:11:44

for this costume? I

1:11:46

guess I should. I assumed he would ask. Baby,

1:11:48

why didn't you tell them you work at Chase

1:11:50

Bank?

1:11:51

I don't like to throw it around. I do like... Okay,

1:11:54

I talked to my boss. Here's what

1:11:56

we can do. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

1:11:59

You talk to boss? Yeah,

1:12:02

here's what we can do. He can,

1:12:04

we can give you the ghost

1:12:07

costume for 50 bucks. Wow,

1:12:09

okay. If you buy a papier-mâché

1:12:11

spider for $15. Um,

1:12:15

babies

1:12:16

say the thing about CHASEs.

1:12:19

Right,

1:12:21

but now the price came back up to what would have been

1:12:23

moved at first. I don't know if we need

1:12:25

to- Because I'm not a ghost here with you for- I want a

1:12:27

cheap thing!

1:12:30

We're a Chase bank. I'm really good for the payments,

1:12:33

obviously. Something would have to happen bad in the financial

1:12:35

system. Something for me- Like

1:12:38

a really bad financial collapse for me to

1:12:40

not be able to pay this off within three, maybe

1:12:42

four or five years. But definitely, definitely

1:12:45

be on top of the payments the whole time. Look,

1:12:47

we're at cost right now. You know, this is

1:12:49

a she, two holes, and that's $50. Yeah,

1:12:52

two holes, and if we have to cut

1:12:52

the other two lower down, then we should

1:12:54

get some sort

1:12:55

of tax break from that. Uh,

1:13:00

I was at Halloween City earlier

1:13:04

today, and they had something that was like

1:13:07

a slightly different color of a ghost costume. It

1:13:09

was like a blue ghost, like a Pac-Man ghost. And they

1:13:11

were offered it for like $40. And-

1:13:17

Blue gas, $40? Yeah, and there was 0% APR on the

1:13:19

financing, too. So I was wondering

1:13:21

if you could match- Alright, I'm gonna talk

1:13:23

to my boss. We'll see what we

1:13:25

can do. Okay, we really appreciate it. We're- Hey,

1:13:27

sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh, uh, uh,

1:13:29

do you guys have like a- My

1:13:32

girlfriend's really conservative, and uh,

1:13:34

do you have like a- any sheets with

1:13:37

holes in it? Uh, I'll pay anything.

1:13:39

I'll pay anything.

1:13:42

Fuck. Fuck. You want it? You

1:13:45

want a straight up ghost costume? Just the two eye holes?

1:13:48

Two? Yeah.

1:13:50

Hey, pal. I work at Chase Bank, okay? Oh

1:13:52

shit. I don't know who you think you're talking to. I could

1:13:55

buy and sell you in small installments. Tell

1:13:58

him, baby, this is my boyfriend, and I'm his little-

1:13:59

chase sapphire

1:14:03

why I mean

1:14:05

where do you work then if I work at

1:14:07

Chase Bank which I do

1:14:10

come in here and take my Halloween show we're in an

1:14:12

active negotiation over this sir

1:14:15

my baby is a negotiation tycoon I

1:14:22

own and run a gravel it's

1:14:24

like a gravel and

1:14:27

you got a wife and you got a wife who's not even here we

1:14:29

don't even grab unless you have a sheet with a hole in it yeah

1:14:32

I'll give you I'll kick a sheet and cut a hole in it for you

1:14:34

sir this is we're starting a family

1:14:37

yes

1:14:37

there are no offense at gravel company

1:14:38

why don't you go kick rock yeah

1:14:42

nice yeah well maybe

1:14:44

kicks money why I think I kick

1:14:46

money I buy throw money around I could buy

1:14:48

I could buy I think I could buy that

1:14:50

costume I

1:14:55

just need my girlfriends out in the car essentially

1:14:57

his top loon of the he's thinking of things he

1:14:59

could not buy in the next month to save

1:15:02

money and where he could actually

1:15:04

all right if I go

1:15:06

if I really cut back on everything all

1:15:09

other holidays where instead of Thanksgiving

1:15:12

we're just gonna look at people and let

1:15:14

them turn into turkeys in our eyes

1:15:18

there won't be any Chris no we won't

1:15:20

do any Christmas cuz that'll be the

1:15:22

second month of the payment we're looking that's probably

1:15:25

we're gonna have to come up with five bucks that month

1:15:28

Christmas is fucking gone Christmas

1:15:30

is cancelled baby I was de-dreaming

1:15:32

like Garfield again

1:15:35

baby

1:15:43

no I'm just it's you versus the bubble

1:15:46

I think in Bo I think in terms of bubbles

1:15:48

and I do my best work at the bank

1:15:51

when an actual

1:15:53

cloud like bubble pops out of my head

1:15:55

and I decide way options

1:15:58

in I have an idea yeah

1:15:59

So we can finance the ghost costume. The

1:16:02

other guy who wants to buy it, he said his girlfriend

1:16:03

was sitting in the car. What if I think I'm onto the back

1:16:05

of Spirit Halloween and find her sitting in the car and

1:16:07

find a way to get the exhaust into the window so that she dies?

1:16:11

Then there'll be no more competition for the ghost costume. We

1:16:13

can tell the

1:16:14

guy that Spirit Halloween is the only buyer. It'll

1:16:16

be a buyer's paradise. That's right. I'll

1:16:18

be right back. Okay. Hey,

1:16:22

you keep talking to me here for a second, pal. Oh,

1:16:25

really? Yeah, you like... It

1:16:27

hasn't been a great experience so far. I

1:16:29

came off a little too aggressive. Yeah. Let

1:16:32

me ask you, like... Like, what... You

1:16:35

buy a lot of costumes for you and your wife? No. She's

1:16:38

my girlfriend. She's... I'm not here for a... He

1:16:41

cut to his stop line where he's trying to think of things to

1:16:43

say about gravel

1:16:44

and some good gravel questions. Tell

1:16:46

this guy about some memory about

1:16:49

Alabama one time and gravel. Uh,

1:16:52

tell him he looks like gravel. No,

1:16:54

wrong. Don't ever tell that to anybody. Baby, I'm

1:16:56

back. That girl is dead. Dead?

1:16:59

What? You... The

1:17:01

deed is done. The bitch is dead. Oh, cool. Well,

1:17:04

I guess I'm not talking to you. You

1:17:06

can go back to whatever you need to... And suddenly

1:17:08

next to that man appears,

1:17:10

uh... A

1:17:13

woman in a sheet with

1:17:15

eye holes.

1:17:17

Honey. Oh!

1:17:20

I waited in the car. What the fuck?

1:17:22

I was... I was... I was

1:17:24

haggling.

1:17:27

Is she the ghost of the

1:17:29

ghost costume?

1:17:29

What the hell? Fuck! It's

1:17:31

like... It's a ghost of my conservative girlfriend.

1:17:34

It's just like the Scottish... It's just like the Scottish... You

1:17:36

call me your conservative girlfriend?

1:17:38

Well, I had to explain why I needed the privacy

1:17:41

sheet. I'm just your girlfriend. Well,

1:17:43

but... Away, away,

1:17:45

car girlfriend. Wait, are

1:17:47

you dead? I'm dead. So

1:17:50

your body's just in the car? My

1:17:52

body's still in the car. And it doesn't

1:17:55

care if there's a sheet or not? Fuck!

1:17:58

Okay. You guys, take it!

1:17:59

the costume

1:18:01

I'm good to go. And

1:18:04

scene everyone! I

1:18:06

feel... Fucked!

1:18:12

Humans, to unlock the bonus

1:18:14

scene you must subscribe to the

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And scene! That has been our

1:18:24

show of the week! The Big

1:18:27

Heron! The Raggedy

1:18:29

Muscleman! Sally the Crop Ripper!

1:18:32

Savick Zizek! Close

1:18:34

enough!

1:18:36

And Anguaria!

1:18:40

And Angarina! And

1:18:43

Zor Angaroma!

1:18:46

Folks, this has been EmperorForHumans!

1:18:51

I hope you had a great time! This

1:18:54

will be for your ears and for free very

1:18:56

soon! Go to EmperorForHumans to find

1:18:58

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