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ho human you

3:10

The best place for an entertainer to

3:12

find work In the city never do

3:16

your Phil

3:28

was a singer-songwriter that was

3:31

a stand-up comedian They

3:33

didn't know each other. We've never met

3:36

the only thing they had in common was a

3:38

fear that their careers might be our

3:42

story begins with Phil at a

3:44

place where careers begin and The

4:00

sun is taking on the sun, it's gonna

4:02

set on the phone The

4:08

sun is out The

4:11

sun is out The

4:14

sun is out Can

4:19

you hear my heartbeat? All

4:21

right now, take it This

4:26

is all I see All

4:30

the sun is out All

4:35

the time, the matter is on its tightest hand

4:39

The night is fresh The

4:41

audience is full of people The

4:44

people of here How

4:46

do you work with those little characters in

4:48

any one of the world that are affecting

4:50

your card? In my hand right now,

4:52

I'm going to have someone take a

4:55

card randomly What is it? It

4:57

is Mr. Undue Credit Mr.

4:59

Undue Credit, okay You're gonna hold me

5:01

with this character, just answer honestly Mr.

5:04

Undue Credit, okay You

5:07

love the Beatles Thank

5:09

you Thank you very much Did

5:13

you just look final for the Beatles,

5:15

folks? No

5:18

This is Mr. White, Mr. White, let's stand

5:20

it Have you ever noticed the

5:22

difference between men and women? I

5:25

haven't I

5:27

like the question Not

5:31

neither me I

5:34

was going to do a joke about the battle of

5:36

Hastings in 10,066, I think it was for him Nazi

5:44

David Blaine, Nazi David Blaine

5:48

Well my next stunt, I won't hate you

5:50

for 24 hours straight Where's

5:54

my bed? Like

6:39

era however, Are

7:15

Crazy Horse or a Hard.

7:22

One. To.

7:37

Move. Move.

7:40

Move good you might Asian

7:42

actually showed up to one

7:44

of my gigs do about

7:46

their new song. He didn't have

7:48

money. you look like your him one

7:51

of their. That's. To do have to say.

7:53

I play a new song. And your observations. So

7:56

much fun I'm having! Where you my

7:58

Camp counselor? Unsustainable. Their

8:01

friends. Who cares about fun? Your job

8:03

is to tell me what. You sick of

8:06

my new song? Are you so angry

8:08

Man I was to some day like

8:10

like what are you. Face Good. This

8:12

could be a song and you have

8:14

to love it because you have to sell

8:16

it. Yeah, It's kid see nice hook

8:18

but you know the lyrics them with their

8:20

from i. Know

8:23

why? You

8:26

know, old guy?

8:28

You mean experienced.

8:31

Ah, you know. whom

8:38

I. Say.

9:54

I hear your book and sniper

9:57

the big talk show? Yeah ah

9:59

yes. I would love to book.

10:01

You are so you know me, I

10:04

love you are Yeah, yeah, but I

10:06

don't think that tz friendly still swim

10:08

away and incurs. Man, it's not that,

10:10

it's just a little weird for the

10:13

formative formative. you know them in. The

10:16

one about Imac hamlet is on

10:18

last month has his weird shit

10:20

that went over well yeah well

10:22

I make him with got a

10:24

huge twitter followers and his Instagram

10:26

account is blowing up. You gotta

10:29

check the thing. Out On Come on

10:31

man, Are you kidding me? You

10:43

know, Was.

10:55

Over at. Oh.

11:20

No. You're

11:40

not even on Facebook? Come on,

11:42

You're not even up with social.

11:44

Media hang out with your

11:46

fans. Sweet Some jobs, it's not

11:48

that big of a deal. Comments:

12:12

About a month. And

12:17

food at so. Brave.

12:30

Man and. Out of your ally, Reality

12:34

show. Anyway,

12:44

As I to see. A

12:47

lot I am allows. Hundred

12:51

Forty Three. Oh.

13:10

Man. It's time for. Twitter

13:19

I'm on. Reddit their advantage. Are

13:26

no. More.

13:36

He returned to do the Danny Kaye

13:38

break down a dinner. He

13:48

will really really sign. Did

13:51

he likes to do some. He. Was

13:53

more concerned with how much fun I

13:55

was having. His.

13:57

and six years since he sold his

14:00

Why are you on my back? Excuse

14:03

me? I was just saying it's been six years.

14:06

You're segueing into the baby discussion. What's

14:09

the discussion? I thought you

14:11

wanted to have a baby. Of

14:14

course I want to have a baby. Right

14:16

after I sell the next song. But what

14:19

if it doesn't sell, Phil? You

14:21

know, I don't have to take this

14:23

constant nagging all the time. Mwah! Please

14:27

don't you do that, don't

14:30

avoid this heat right now.

14:33

When the hair is dry,

14:35

you've got you always like me

14:38

now. You

14:40

sit around all day,

14:42

staring at your computer

14:45

screen. So that's

14:47

how the first four minutes feel. It's

14:50

your prank, what is great?

14:52

It's your turn. It's

14:55

your turn.

14:58

You know, the earth

15:00

hangs around. What?

15:03

You're a snake. How

15:06

about you do the same thing that

15:08

you were talking about? I'm

15:13

where you've got

15:15

some fun, you're

15:17

just impossible. Phil,

15:20

I've supported your music all

15:22

the time. Just

15:24

don't think that this phase of

15:27

your life is a city of

15:29

primaries and certain odd places kind

15:31

of pissing me off. How

15:34

many times have we done this

15:36

thing on the stage? You need

15:38

to focus more on your own

15:41

thing now, Phil. Hey,

15:44

are you ready? I'm so

15:46

sorry. I'm so

15:49

sorry. I'm so big here. That was nice

15:51

of all of you, but I'm not here. Are

15:53

you Still talking about

15:56

the boys? Yeah. Ah

16:47

like that and I miss. That use

16:49

a plane. Corbett is a solid some

16:52

nice man foods yard and we're going

16:54

on there for awhile and deployed to

16:56

put it on T V known throw

16:58

yeah yeah man brought out sure said

17:00

hey man you sell it tonight yeah

17:02

man has it's celebrate some time and

17:05

no problems that may get into my

17:07

bag packed years would he Would you

17:09

miss some of that lemon haze and

17:11

gave birth to let me see Er

17:13

medicinal prescription turn what? in New York

17:16

I don't have that man food I'm

17:18

joking. Ah yes, yes,

17:20

some as I i don't

17:22

get your generation sense of

17:24

sarcasm. My generation.

17:28

Whatever. So what he celebrated.

17:30

Young time it up to the

17:32

big talk shows. You fucking kidding

17:35

me? was that great? This nuts

17:37

was that's wrong Moon would do

17:39

you think I'm talking about and

17:41

killed our third in my feeling

17:43

too young for that. It's really

17:45

nice, nice. Who. The fuck

17:48

is time up being nice and promo being

17:50

funny is a comedy club not a night

17:52

club. was. going

17:54

on bad tear down and mad

17:56

what'd i tell you about dealing

17:59

drugs by here and it stopped

18:01

with the yelling. There's a show going on.

18:03

Have some respect. Respect?

18:06

Respect? There's no respect around here.

18:09

Can you believe Young Comic got

18:11

booked and I didn't? That's crazy.

18:13

Am I suddenly in some bizarro

18:16

world where hacks get booked? Matt,

18:18

it's... it's

18:20

over. What's over? Look,

18:23

how long have I known you? This

18:25

is me talking. I'm not just a

18:27

club owner. I'm your friend who happens

18:29

to be a club owner. Oh,

18:58

I want to be you. Feeling

19:04

positive, that's what I

19:06

have in mind. I'm

19:08

aware you're upset, but

19:12

please understand. Comedy's

19:17

all I know. Comedy's

19:20

who I am. I'm

19:26

not asking you to

19:28

quit. I

19:31

think you're just the place

19:33

that isn't it. Why

19:36

don't you treat it more like

19:38

a hobby? You've

19:42

made a complete

19:45

de-hear-of-life. All the

19:47

stars you've gone through, that

19:49

should be fine. Now

19:51

Is it time for you to

19:54

settle down? Comedy is all I

19:56

know. Comedy is all I know.

20:03

When I mean million. They

20:07

knew. as

20:51

mad slip further into his

20:53

dark hole with bitter self

20:55

pity feel got so high that

20:58

he was visiting science. Teacher.

21:29

I think you can find

21:32

your next idea new to

21:34

tell you. How did you

21:36

did hear? I am goes

21:38

to have centered around who.

21:41

Is this the I Phone's. Stats

21:47

stats. stats

21:50

and watson said there's one have when

21:52

you can tell us what the song

21:54

is that's playing on the rod the

21:56

of you mean suzanne yes yes i

21:59

am i I love that. I

22:01

wish I had invented Shazam. I

22:04

am so high. Oh

22:06

well you could be high up on the

22:08

pop charts if you just borrowed a few

22:10

ideas. How do you think

22:13

I invented the telephone? It's

22:25

time to do some

22:27

research. Let's take a

22:29

moment and be Influenced

22:33

by someone

22:35

else's creativity.

22:40

Let's melt this

22:42

muse. The originality

22:45

ain't required. Let's

22:49

take a minute and

22:53

get inspired. Let's

22:57

listen to some chords

23:01

that we've always

23:03

admired. Give

23:05

me some rhymes, my

23:07

melody, that never

23:10

sounds high. Don't know

23:13

a new song is

23:15

what you need. There's

23:17

no need to perspire

23:19

so. Let's

23:21

take a moment to be

23:26

inspired. And

23:29

you can tell everybody

23:32

this isn't not your

23:34

song. And

23:37

you can tell everybody

23:39

if you just stay

23:42

alone. Just

23:45

say the word, just say

23:47

the word, say the word I see.

23:54

Somebody else is in the

23:57

wake of this. This

24:03

ain't the world here, this

24:05

ain't the nose now, and

24:07

everyone else needs. I

24:13

wonder who your song is

24:15

when you're tired just like

24:18

me. Alright

24:23

folks, my next character card is,

24:25

let's see, Neil

24:28

Young. This

24:32

is Neil Young, I'm going to sing a song about Spilled

24:34

Bong Water. Please

24:37

don't spill your bong

24:39

water on me. Let's

24:46

smell the gooey, it'll

24:49

stick with you till

24:51

you die. Don't

24:55

ask me why. Don't

25:01

spill your bong water

25:03

on me. There

25:09

comes a time,

25:12

bong needs cleaning.

25:16

There comes a time to

25:18

scrape out the torn.

25:23

Remove the

25:25

resin, replace

25:28

the water. If

25:32

it spills, it won't be

25:34

so bad. Say,

25:37

can I please? Oh,

25:48

oh, oh, oh, oh,

25:50

oh, oh, oh. Oh,

25:52

oh, oh, oh, oh,

25:55

oh, oh, oh. Uh,

28:00

can you not use the F

28:02

word when you're effing me in

28:04

my F hole? What

28:07

the fuck is this? You stole my bit.

28:10

You stole my bit. No,

28:12

it's dice in a cup

28:15

and it's sixty-six, not fifty-two,

28:17

okay? It's the same thing.

28:19

It's a dice instead of... You just stole my essence

28:21

of my whole bit. You stole my essence. The essence?

28:23

Yes. Maybe the

28:26

spirit, but not the essence, okay? This

28:29

is such bullshit, man. Everybody said I came

28:31

out here with fifty-two cards and you come out

28:33

here with sixty-six numbers and a dice. Well,

28:36

at least all the characters are all different

28:38

from yours. You know, it's like fourteen.

28:42

You've heard of Paul Reiser. This is Paul

28:44

Vapo Reiser. Hey,

28:48

I was on Mad About You, but I'm

28:50

on Mad About Two. What's

28:52

the weed on my vaporite? What the

28:54

fuck? That's terrible. No,

28:56

it's not. It's good. It's

28:59

totally different from your... Paul

29:01

Vapo Reiser. Yes. Right. That

29:04

sucks, man. Will

29:07

you tell that to Paul Vapo Reiser, okay? Alright.

29:19

Thanks, YouTube. Let's

29:21

try it that cold, play riff. The

29:27

teeth of my spoons.

29:33

I don't go for the spoons.

29:36

Yeah. That's the word

29:38

I ask, pearls. I

29:41

don't go for the other girls.

29:44

You do the white-ass

29:46

pearls. I don't go

29:48

for the other girls. I

29:51

do the white-ass

29:53

pearls. I don't go

29:56

for the other girls.

30:00

Oh, whoa, whoa,

30:03

don't leave the green room. You

30:10

stole my bit. You don't

30:12

use dice. I use cards. Same

30:15

thing. Not in Vegas. Oh,

30:17

what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,

30:19

right? Old reference. You should

30:21

use that. Oh, but then you will use

30:23

it. Look, I didn't steal your bit. My

30:26

bit is totally different. Oh, so you've been

30:28

thinking about this. If it's the same act,

30:31

then why didn't you get booked on the

30:33

big talk show? Fuck you. You

30:36

stole that Neil Young impression from Jimmy

30:39

Fallon. How can you steal an impression?

30:42

Well, everybody knows that Fallon does

30:44

the Neil Young impression. I've been doing

30:46

Neil Young since Harvest. What

30:49

Harvest? That weed you

30:51

sell? Oh, so I'm supposed to stop

30:53

my impression just because someone more famous

30:55

is doing it? I

30:57

need to stop it because he does it better. Why

31:00

don't you go sell some weed,

31:02

loser? Alexander

31:04

Graham Bell had successfully inspired

31:06

Phil to find his next

31:09

song on YouTube. And

31:11

now Phil was fully into Viva

31:13

La Vida. You

31:19

keep the white

31:21

and brown, I don't

31:24

go for those other girls.

31:26

You keep the white and

31:29

brown, I don't go

31:31

for those other girls.

31:36

Meanwhile, Matt wasn't going to let

31:38

Young comic get away with his

31:40

theft. Yeah,

31:46

you know, this week we're talking to an old friend. I

31:48

don't know, maybe he's an old enemy. I don't even know

31:50

anymore. Matt, welcome to the What the Hell podcast. First off,

31:52

are we good? Yeah, sure.

31:55

We're good. Great. Fine. Fuck.

31:59

Let's get into it, man. is that you're accusing

32:01

young comic is stealing your material.

32:04

What is all that about? In

32:06

comedy, it comes down to

32:08

respect. My

32:11

best bet has been

32:14

stolen from me. Once

32:19

it's on TV,

32:22

it's dead in the water.

32:26

Blood, sweat,

32:29

tears went into that vent.

32:33

It's a huge mess. I

32:40

had a reason to

32:43

make everybody laugh. All

32:47

is imperfection. You'd

32:50

make a sad mess, you'd a

32:52

past. Suddenly,

32:55

a cat took

32:58

a bite out of my bed.

33:01

He told himself a fine

33:03

track. He

33:05

sent me here with his shit. My

33:09

best bet has

33:13

been taken from me.

33:17

And now it's

33:21

on TV, these are my

33:23

day heads. That

33:25

exact object

33:27

took me part in

33:30

front of him. He

33:32

took my big brother.

33:38

He said, hey, I won't

33:40

do anything. Alternative

33:42

without a doubt. A

33:46

generation x-ray, breaking

33:48

out from mainstream. Unbelievable.

33:57

Unbelievable. He.

34:04

Knew. Me:

34:22

Ah, Ah,

34:30

Ah, Ah,

35:21

Ha Ah I. Do

35:26

x settled. Old place on right?

35:28

Know what the way? How.

35:33

Far are we talking about? Ah, so

35:35

embarrassed. What was I thinking? This is

35:37

exactly the great directors. We need to

35:39

be worse. Years that's rather summers are doing

35:41

these days. The really broke. Doses.

35:44

It. Play. Somebody else is

35:46

great risk and you just gotta think

35:48

to yourself, Masri. Oh.

35:55

So. He

36:01

those oh and area

36:04

they have on I

36:06

am. As

36:08

a that in May him

36:10

yo. I really wanna.

36:18

Were Insane. Harm.

36:27

Or good when I. Offer.

36:34

Won't even know. Where

36:41

the up and and. It's

37:13

red hair with

37:15

the kid. I

37:19

you to. Ah,

37:23

no idea how they were sold.

37:26

Zola. Sensei

37:29

said it came to

37:31

the Is. Bathroom

37:53

the painter isn't. Isn't

37:56

and. Long

38:01

Other long he.

38:35

Can Play A Song was

38:37

recorded in distributed to all

38:39

digital platforms. simultaneously.

38:42

Young Comics New Our special

38:44

was released on hit flakes

38:46

and all the same digital

38:48

platforms. What the Hell is

38:50

a digital platform? Hook

39:03

hello? Is this Aids? And. Where.

39:07

Are you calling me severely? That.

39:36

Agent sold by do so

39:39

on. Agent.

39:41

So serene is

39:43

now. He sold my

39:45

newest song happening with some. Claim

39:48

your new song you don't need to hear.

39:50

It may not that good. About

39:53

so that. That's.

39:59

Know what? Now.

40:01

We can have the baby. Is

40:44

it will. hold more in every. Comic

41:05

as a performer and was lucky enough

41:07

to see and life changing. As

41:10

early to adjust. To

41:12

the surgery. Coming.

41:14

I'm coming. Where did you come

41:16

up with the idea of and is perfect? Brilliant idea. Where.

41:20

We. Do have is always in

41:22

the gambling how does for the

41:24

dice idea came from? Come on

41:26

bullshit. Remember always been very fascinated

41:28

by his guys. He had a

41:31

special bear please and I remember

41:33

always thinking i want to do.

41:40

Com will be based in a casino

41:42

actually enough. Opportunities

41:44

for me to use the

41:46

day or every app store

41:48

i just because at a

41:50

casino nine or use certainly

41:52

much more than kind. Of.

41:57

Amazing. How about above? yours are in

41:59

these times. Are you

42:01

as you can. My car did your eyes on

42:03

the road. Son is just me. Stop

42:07

Allies. Who.

42:10

Gray, I invented the telephone.

42:12

What? Alexander Graham Bell invented a

42:14

telephone. Know, I did this.

42:17

Mother fucker. Least six waist,

42:19

a surrogate, Oh sorry, I

42:21

didn't use the curse like that

42:24

nasty habit I picked up in

42:26

the last hundred years. Whatever. Oh,

42:28

mine way. say. While. Alexander

42:31

Graham Bell. Me:

42:41

Some are. Not

42:46

really. No.

43:10

Longer. Our.

43:19

Lawyers. Well.

44:16

Hi has been has

44:19

indeed just three hours

44:21

earlier well was asked.

44:25

How he is. Built

44:28

and tested. Monday was

44:30

a transmit designs on

44:32

mods ends and successfully

44:34

transmits. It's just been

44:36

saying. Starbucks coffee

44:38

house. I want to. Sleep

44:54

now. Me:

45:01

Or my lover. or I. Mean

45:07

my very was. Easy.

45:23

When I. Have

45:29

a bitch. He

45:34

might have gotten my idea, but he

45:36

had to live with that guild. All

45:38

he has lime juice. Do a comedian

45:40

over a bid. The guild will either.

45:51

Way I. say

46:00

Hey, Phil! Phil? Hey,

46:02

Phil! My name is

46:04

Music Critic from Garden Home Music Blogs.

46:06

Can I ask you a few questions?

46:08

Sorry... I'm about to

46:10

do my set. Oh, really? I wanted

46:12

to just talk with you for a

46:15

second about your new popular song. Have

46:17

you noticed how the chord progressions and

46:19

harmony scheme are exactly like that old

46:21

Coldplay song? I haven't noticed, sorry, but

46:23

right now I've got to go Coldplay.

46:25

I-I-I mean, play. I gotta play. Have

46:27

you really not noticed the similarities? It

46:29

seems like you would, you know, Phil?

46:32

I used to think you're a really

46:34

good singer-songwriter. Really original. A lot

46:37

of your fans like me want to know. Okay.

46:40

Alright, buddy. Let's leave Phil alone before

46:42

the show. Here's my card. Give me

46:45

a call. We'll set something up. These

46:47

are questions that need to be answered,

46:49

Phil! Music fans

46:52

demand the truth! Don't

46:54

be a sell-out! Sell-out! Sell-out!

47:01

Sell-out? Alright, pal. No

47:03

need for that. Come on, Phil. Let's go

47:05

back to stage. Did

47:08

you hear that? You called

47:10

me a sell-out. Mate, you're

47:12

a sell-out. No,

47:16

make out! Make

47:18

my celly out! Oh,

47:23

hell, hell, hell. I can't

47:26

take it. I

47:37

can't take it. I can't take

47:39

it. I can't take

47:41

it. Absolutely possible.

47:45

Phil, be a new story.

47:47

You can be an artist, though. Trust me,

47:49

you got a strike on the Iron We

48:01

need just one more hit.

48:04

Yeah, meanwhile, it's my reputation that takes

48:06

the hit. Listen to me,

48:08

Phil, you don't have a reputation. You

48:11

will make a bitch.

48:18

Jen Comet, I just gave IMAX the light

48:21

and you're up next. Oh, and there's

48:23

a Bachelorette party requesting you do your

48:25

sexy dice bid. Okay,

48:27

gotcha. So,

48:29

anyway, now they got me in a

48:31

triple holding deal while I work on

48:33

the script for the first movie. Ha,

48:35

yeah, that's great, young comic! Dude, you

48:38

are great! I've been telling people

48:40

that forever, man. Hey, you want

48:42

some weed? It's pretty shitty, but it'll get

48:44

you high enough. No, thanks. I

48:47

need to keep my mind clear for my

48:49

big show tomorrow. Hey, thief, what's up? You

48:52

want to fight in here or do you want

48:54

to step outside? You've got to be kidding me,

48:56

old man. You're still on this trip.

48:59

I need to be a du-a-bitch. I

49:01

need to be a du-a-bitch. I

49:03

need to be a du-a-bitch. Don't

49:05

be a bitch, you fucking asshole! No

49:10

one wants to see you. Anyway, you

49:13

know I want to hear you. Who's

49:15

the card? I don't want to hear it.

49:17

All you're gonna see, I don't want to

49:20

hear it. All you're gonna see, I don't

49:22

want to hear it. All you're

49:24

doing is why I don't want to hear it. You're

49:27

a federal fuck! Go

49:29

my ass, go my ass! Go

49:32

my ass, go my ass! Go

49:34

my ass, go my ass, man! Go

49:37

my ass, go my ass! Remember,

49:40

you're a big

49:42

person. I was just

49:44

feeling different. It's

49:47

like you're on me, feeling my

49:49

ideas. You

49:53

can't keep up, you can't keep up, you can't keep up! I'm

49:56

a mess with the world.

50:00

If you're out on hit,

50:03

win the world's act! I see

50:05

a hat! I see a hat!

50:07

I see a hat! You're

50:09

just a fucking hat! I'm

50:12

cute, I'm a hat! Oh!

50:15

Ha ha ha ha! This

50:18

conversation is over and

50:20

done. The end.

50:25

How you guys enjoying the waffles? Can I get you anything else?

50:27

Oh no, no, no! What's happened to me? This

50:29

is great honey, can we get a refresher on

50:32

the coffees? You got it, hon. Excuse

50:35

me, can I sit here or do I have to

50:37

wait for a hostess? See yourself sweetheart. Oh,

50:39

what happened to your eye? Can I get

50:41

you an ice pack? An ice pack would be great, thanks.

50:44

And you two guys, I'll be right back with your coffee.

50:47

You're not getting nothing to eat? I

50:49

can eat. I'm getting sued by Coldplay.

50:52

I can't believe this. You said this

50:54

wouldn't happen. You said it was totally

50:56

impossible. What can I say?

50:58

I underestimated the reach of Coldplay and

51:00

sound recognition software. Look,

51:02

just lawyer up. Come to a settlement and you'll

51:04

still walk away with some money. Uh,

51:08

okay, alright. Well, where are we gonna get

51:10

a lawyer? You mean where are

51:12

you gonna get a lawyer? Why what? Don't

51:15

worry buddy, I know a guy. This stuff

51:17

happens all the time. Besides,

51:19

a bad reputation is exactly what

51:22

your career needs. Well,

51:24

I said it once before, but I think if

51:26

there's a reason, you'll never beat

51:28

the game. If you can take a little

51:31

beating, just say it. What's

51:34

a reputation? What's

51:39

a reputation? It's so cold.

51:42

I'm feeling better. I'm

51:44

feeling better. Man,

51:48

a reputation. Little

51:52

is you, low and loose, acute, I freak keep

51:54

reading. Now you're free,

51:56

it's a day of disusing. I finally believe it.

52:00

movie day CV

52:19

wow I

52:26

was in the room with the baby and

52:29

the women and the brothers and the ladies

52:31

and the sisters I was here

52:33

for a little bit but

52:35

I never wanted to be alone now

52:39

you can twist those eagles easy I'm

52:42

going to find a boy and rock out with

52:44

your cock out the kitchen so below

52:47

I need you you

52:49

are a representation ooooh

52:52

you got a representation

52:55

ooooh you got a representation

52:59

ooooh you got a representation ooooh

53:03

you got it a

53:06

wheel lucky jay

53:08

jay but

53:10

but what about hey kid give me a call

53:12

when you hear a song that gives you a new

53:14

idea dust a fucking die

53:18

hey excuse me are you a musician yes

53:22

you are a musician yes

53:24

you're the fucking coldplay guy you're the

53:26

dude that stole the coldplay song aren't

53:28

you I

53:30

didn't steal the coldplay song oh

53:33

my god what is wrong with

53:35

people like you stop

53:37

with that you stole their song man I

53:39

did not steal the coldplay song okay listen

53:42

there was a vibe I like coldplay I

53:44

heard the song wait wait did you say

53:46

vibe that's exactly the

53:48

same word that that that that Robin

53:50

Thicke dude and Pharrell used when they

53:52

stole Marvin Gaye's song that's what they

53:55

said we're taking his vibe what is

53:57

that okay what it is is okay

54:00

You're not a musician. You might not know

54:02

that there are only 12 notes in this

54:04

scale. It just is party sounds.

54:06

One of the 12 notes in the scale.

54:08

They took literally party sounds just like they

54:10

have in that Marvin K song. You're not

54:12

gonna say that's a direct steal? How

54:15

many studios you've ever been in? There are parties

54:17

in every studio. When people are recording, it's just

54:19

something they're working with. It's not... Oh my god,

54:22

dude. That is such a stretch. They stole that.

54:25

We have that... I'm a stand-up. We

54:27

have stealers in our industry too. How

54:30

many comedians out there have stolen

54:32

the essence of David Tal or

54:34

Sarah Silverman or Louis C.K.? Even

54:37

Dane Cook, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor?

54:39

It's like, get your own essence,

54:41

dude. Alright. I have a

54:43

question for you. Fine. Do you like Led Zeppelin? Alright.

54:46

I should have guessed you'd bring this up. Yes, I

54:48

like Led Zeppelin. Yes, you like Led Zeppelin. Yes,

54:50

I like... Who doesn't like Led Zeppelin? Exactly.

54:53

And they borrowed, they took other

54:55

people's ideas, they polished them up,

54:57

and they made them even better.

54:59

Okay, I've heard that with the

55:01

Blues musicians, sure. But what about

55:03

that one band? They took the

55:05

Stairway to Heaven, the most known

55:07

intro of all time. They took note for

55:10

note from that band and never gave them

55:12

any credit or anything. Yeah, but there you

55:14

go. You can't think of the name of

55:17

the band that they apparently borrowed from. Ah,

55:21

it's on the tip of my tongue. But that

55:23

doesn't make it right. Is that what you're saying?

55:25

If anyone ever steals something, they

55:27

better do it better? Do you think that you did...

55:29

Oh, I see. You think you did Coldplay songs better

55:31

than Coldplay? Is that what you're saying? I'm not saying

55:34

that. I'm saying that I... That's what you just said.

55:36

I am saying I borrowed an essence

55:38

from Coldplay to create something of my

55:40

own, it's an homage. You're a fucking

55:42

thief, man. Look, I am not a

55:44

thief. Why are you so

55:46

angry anyway? I'm upset because people

55:49

have stolen my bits, man. Someone

55:51

stole my bit. Well,

55:54

it doesn't even make sense. I mean,

55:56

you're a stand-up comic. You're just talking

55:58

about your personal life. Well

56:01

maybe I don't talk about my personal life,

56:03

dude. Oh, I get

56:06

it, you're a gimmick comic. What the fuck is that

56:08

supposed to mean? It means you

56:10

got a gimmick, like Gallagher. They're sent

56:12

in the prop or something involved, so

56:14

you're afraid that if someone steals your

56:17

gimmick then you got nothing left. You'll

56:19

never have an original idea again. Oh,

56:21

I just had an original idea. How

56:24

about I take you to the ground, motherfucker?

56:27

You touch my shoulder one more time. I'm gonna

56:29

crack you. Are you sure that's your shoulder or

56:31

did you steal that shoulder from somebody else? Hey.

56:36

Watch me wonder. Watch me wonder. Ahh.

56:39

Go, go, go. Go, go. Go,

56:42

go, go. Get to the spirit. What's

56:44

the spirit's name of the brain? Go and

56:46

go, go. Okay, alright, alright. Take it easy,

56:48

guys. Let's break it up. You

56:50

guys are way too out of shape

56:52

to be fighting. He hit me first,

56:55

officer. He's a thief. Believe me, it's

56:57

the only thing this guy's done first

56:59

in a while. He stole something from

57:01

you? No, he stole somebody's song. He

57:03

stole a song? Look, I only borrowed

57:05

some elements. Oh, the best elements. The

57:07

elements that made it a hit song.

57:10

What's wrong with you people? You

57:12

just take people's ideas whenever you

57:14

want and you find these convoluted

57:16

rationalizations for your theft. Hold on

57:18

now. Did he just sample the song?

57:21

Sampling is okay if you pay for it. No,

57:23

he stole the whole chord progression and the harmonies.

57:26

Basically everything but the words. In

57:28

his words, his lyrics? They're stupid.

57:30

He rhymes pearls with girls. You

57:33

can't arrest a guy for bad lyrics. Whoa,

57:38

what you sniffing there, boy? Hey,

57:41

whose backpack is this? It's

57:43

mine. I have food

57:45

in there. Oh, yeah? Your dog's probably after

57:47

my food. Well,

57:50

looky here. Somebody

57:53

thinks they're living in Colorado.

57:56

Okay, buddy, let's get into the back of my

57:58

car and we'll go downtown and- Talk about

58:00

you're a parent. Glaucoma can mean.

58:03

She's. Fucking Christ. Put

58:05

your hands behind your back

58:08

home on know. You.

58:11

Have the right prior

58:13

editing and will begin

58:15

in a court of

58:17

law. Has

58:19

a right to search for

58:21

that. Way.

58:47

Officer. Dad. Bag

58:49

as mine testis my buddy covering

58:52

for me. This. Is your

58:54

bag? Are you guys dealing together

58:56

though? Officer? It's all me he

58:58

doing. Don't even know me

59:00

because you cease and I went

59:02

to free you. In which you're right,

59:06

I must seize. On a

59:08

Server Don't A Jail or songs. About

59:11

Fast This is a drug problem. Alexander

59:32

Graham down the mice A

59:34

great way to. Silly.

59:43

We merely stand him with the

59:46

lightning done that Bell and I

59:48

invented together. The. law officer

59:50

will be fine in a few

59:52

weeks you to together i thought

59:54

you hated bell years i deserved

59:57

to be aged i took a

59:59

great time which would have

1:00:01

made his career. But Elisha bounced

1:00:03

back! All true

1:00:05

geniuses have more than one good

1:00:07

idea. Louis C.K. recovered

1:00:09

after Dane Cook stole his itchy

1:00:12

butthole bit. You can

1:00:14

only hold a grudge for so long. Besides,

1:00:16

most people in the netherworld are idiots. So

1:00:18

who else can I hang out with? I'm

1:00:21

sure you have many questions right now,

1:00:23

like what was that electric tornado that

1:00:25

made us appear out of nowhere? And

1:00:28

can you really still invent stuff when you

1:00:30

die and you're living in the ghost world?

1:00:32

Well, we don't have time to answer those

1:00:34

questions now. Now is the time

1:00:37

to get revenge on Young

1:00:39

Comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now you're

1:00:41

talking. See

1:00:45

you later, Young Comic. Great set tonight, man.

1:00:47

Thanks, Rister. Need a ride

1:00:49

on the back of my motorcycle? I'll take

1:00:51

you anywhere, man. I don't have to be anywhere

1:00:53

at any time. So, like, I can go across

1:00:55

town, whatever. Rister, I can't

1:00:58

risk hurting myself on a motorcycle the

1:01:00

night before taping my sick cop pilot

1:01:02

for the big netherworld. Oh, yeah, right,

1:01:04

right. Well, any time you want

1:01:06

to borrow my motorcycle or whatever, just

1:01:09

tell me. Cool. Good

1:01:12

night, man. You're the best. Ah,

1:01:16

look who came back. Do

1:01:19

you really want me to kick your old ass again?

1:01:22

Something like that. Wait, who

1:01:24

are you guys? I'm Alexander

1:01:26

Graham Bell. Pleased

1:01:28

to shock you. What? Where

1:01:39

am I? You've never been down here

1:01:41

before? This is the basement of

1:01:43

the comedy club. Oh,

1:01:46

I guess only the old Podhead

1:01:48

comedians hang out down here, huh?

1:01:51

Ah, come on. Stop joking around.

1:01:53

Just let me go. You're

1:01:56

not going anywhere. You stole.

1:02:00

So you must have- AHHH!

1:02:02

AHH! AHH! Yeah!

1:02:05

Stop it! Now you are starting to know how

1:02:07

it feels to be stolen from! It

1:02:09

hurts! They just want you to admit that

1:02:12

you stole the bit! Then they'll let you

1:02:14

go! I didn't steal your stupid fucking bit!

1:02:16

Woah! Just admit it,

1:02:19

man. It will make you feel better!

1:02:21

The truth will set you

1:02:23

free! AHHH! Yes, yes,

1:02:25

it's true! I went through a

1:02:28

period of denial. All the

1:02:30

fame and fortune made me forget the

1:02:32

true origin of the idea! I

1:02:34

even convinced myself of my own lie!

1:02:37

Say the truth, it will

1:02:39

set you free! Okay, fine! I

1:02:42

stole the bit! I knew it! You stole it!

1:02:44

You know what? I made it

1:02:46

better! The dice are more

1:02:49

dynamic! Audiences have more fun

1:02:51

rolling the dice than they do picking the

1:02:53

cards! Besides you only had 52 characters.

1:02:56

I have 66! That's window

1:02:59

dressing, that's not making it better! You've been

1:03:01

doing that tired old bit for years. Old

1:03:04

references and all. Yeah, it's

1:03:06

called polishing. Whatever, I said it! Now let

1:03:08

me go! Good. It feels good to say

1:03:10

it out loud, doesn't it? No, he still

1:03:12

doesn't get it! He's not

1:03:14

showing any remorse! Mel! Bring

1:03:17

out the telephonic earpieces! With

1:03:20

pleasure, Elisha! What's a telephonic

1:03:22

earpiece? Just a little torture

1:03:24

device that Alexander and I

1:03:27

devised, based on Bell's electromagnetic

1:03:29

design and my water membrane

1:03:32

theory. Hey, hey! Come

1:03:34

on, come on! Get that off my head! You're gonna

1:03:36

make him deaf! Wouldn't that be fair?

1:03:39

So he can never hear another joke

1:03:41

again to steal for his own! Wouldn't

1:03:44

that indeed be justice? Everything

1:03:46

is set, my dear Elisha! Don't

1:03:49

turn it on! Don't turn it on! You've got to stop

1:03:51

them! Oh, yeah,

1:03:53

I mean, isn't this a little extreme

1:03:55

for stealing an idea? Is this what

1:03:57

you wanted? You know what I'm saying? Los.

1:04:35

Angeles, the city of angels, his

1:04:37

ear, our story answer for that.

1:04:39

He never wrote another hit songs

1:04:41

that he didn't find. Redemption and

1:04:43

riding the best selling of. Oh

1:04:47

I wrote out of the music industry.

1:04:51

Finally got real and same as

1:04:53

some time comics full time marijuana

1:04:55

on of the new. Both

1:04:58

men parts to create

1:05:00

Eagles in Months, a

1:05:02

successful medical marijuana dispensary

1:05:04

and restaurant known throughout

1:05:06

reader California as. Customers

1:05:10

are so. Meanwhile

1:05:14

that kind of them as. Having.

1:05:18

See Phil daughter Sarah

1:05:20

ended medical school raising

1:05:22

her mother's hold on

1:05:25

a there wouldn't be

1:05:27

a doctor. In. Man.

1:06:22

On C. Earth. I.

1:06:26

Know he says as three

1:06:28

money they ever. returned

1:07:59

in Created by Matt Besser

1:08:02

and Bobby Matthews. Produced

1:08:04

by Brett Morris. Starring

1:08:08

Matt Besser, Bobby

1:08:10

Matthews, Virginia Matthews, Tom

1:08:12

Kimberly, Mike Cassidy,

1:08:15

Paul Rust, Scott Ackerman,

1:08:17

Harris Whittles, Mike

1:08:20

Dill, Danielle Snyder, and

1:08:22

James and Damien.