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you are entering an improvised communication

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restricted to humans. ...and guests

4:00

will perform fully and provide scenes. Today's episode

4:02

features human guests. Hammy

4:14

Sebastian, welcome to Improv

4:17

for Humans with Matt

4:19

Besser. That is me!

4:24

Brett, what's the name of this? This

4:27

is Concerning Peace by Special

4:30

Interest in Machine Girl. Yeah.

4:34

This is awesome. This is like robot singing. I

4:36

like that. I

4:39

have

4:41

a love-hate relationship with

4:44

robot Sammy Sebastian. I

4:47

mean, give me the

4:49

love, give me the hate. I do

4:53

like to hear them sing, I have to admit, but

4:55

I don't trust them. All right. Sure,

4:59

sure. I have a Roomba, so

5:01

I guess that's my only robot

5:04

relationship. Yeah. What

5:07

about you, Tammy? What's your dream robot? I

5:09

mean, the

5:12

Roomba made me think of, was it Jane

5:14

on the...no, Jane's the wife on the Jetsons.

5:17

Rosie. Rosie. Yes. The

5:20

robot. That was Rosie. That might

5:22

be my dream robot. Yeah.

5:24

Old school. Yeah, like

5:26

a Roomba that could pick stuff up

5:29

and vacuum underneath it as opposed to...

5:32

Oh. Yeah. That's just to

5:34

kind of bump into things. Yeah, still cleaning.

5:36

I still want a robot that cleans

5:39

just better at it. I

5:41

thought I had an equator

5:43

vision what you're talking about, that you

5:45

would speak to Rosie, because Rosie speaks.

5:49

Oh. Do you not care about that? And

5:52

we cut to the Roomba...is it Roomba?

5:56

Roomba. Roomba. Roomba, not

5:58

Roomba. The Roomba. Even

6:01

though I've been a salesman for

6:04

months, I still say Roomba. I don't

6:06

know why, but sorry ma'am. It's a

6:08

Roomba, but this is the new

6:10

model, the Sebastian, and

6:14

it does, as you requested, it

6:17

picks up the furniture. The old Roomba did

6:19

not do that. This one will pick it

6:22

up and vacuum underneath. Okay,

6:24

good. I was getting... It was just

6:27

exhausting watching the Roomba just being into

6:29

the same stuff over and over again. Right,

6:32

and that stuff is usually the stuff where the

6:34

dust is collecting. Exactly.

6:37

I will pick up under things. I

6:39

am here to help you. Also, I

6:42

am here whenever you want. Okay,

6:45

well, I don't really want to

6:48

talk to you, Sebastian. That's kind of why

6:50

I don't want a human in my life.

6:52

Sorry, that is one of the new features. I

6:55

was going to get to that. It does

6:57

speak. It will identify

6:59

dust balls. You can just... There

7:01

are different settings. You can have it just

7:03

be conversational like a friend, or you can

7:06

have it be simply, I see

7:08

a dust ball, eliminate dust ball.

7:12

As long as he doesn't want me to talk

7:14

back or need me to

7:16

listen to him, he can talk. I just...

7:19

I don't need the guilt of being a bad friend.

7:21

You know what I mean? Like an Uber driver, that

7:23

you're going to get a bad rating if that's what you're

7:25

thinking. Okay, that would be great. I

7:27

could clean dust balls if you like.

7:29

For you, I'll do that. If

7:32

you want, I could do that for you. Not

7:35

for anyone, but for you, I could do that. Look,

7:38

I'm doing it for you. Okay,

7:40

I want a different setting. This

7:42

setting... Yeah, you can turn... See this little

7:44

knob right here? He was up on nine. That was

7:46

a little annoying. Okay, yeah. I'm just heating this

7:49

down to like a solid three. Whatever.

7:52

Whatever, I don't care. I'll clean the dust. I don't care.

8:00

of there. Let's put it on a

8:03

tooth. There we go. I'll leave it with

8:06

you for a day. If you don't

8:08

like it, we'll just give you the rumba

8:11

that just sucks up more dust and

8:14

can lift furniture without talking. Well, I

8:16

appreciate you bringing it by. It's nice that, you

8:19

know, traveling vacuum salesmen

8:22

is coming back. It is. Well,

8:24

they're so large now, these Sebastian's, we can't

8:27

just send them in a box and it

8:29

brings people down. What does

8:31

that mean? What does that mean? Well, it's

8:33

too big. Oh no. Oh no. I need

8:35

to fit it to social norms for vacuums.

8:38

Oh God. That's not what I meant. Most

8:40

people aren't used to a vacuum stepping out

8:42

of a box. I can't

8:44

even fit in my bag anymore. Oh God,

8:47

please. Okay, let's just turn it down to

8:49

a one. These are very sensitive settings. There

8:51

we go. And

8:54

if you have any problems, just call this number

8:56

or scan this barcode

8:59

and we'll be right over. It's

9:01

funny. It says that you're a rumba salesman and

9:04

there's little dancing shoes on it. Well,

9:06

that's what I was before I did rumba

9:08

and that's actually how I got the job

9:10

because I said I had experience. With

9:13

rumba. Okay. Okay. Well,

9:16

I'm not supposed to say

9:18

this, but I also teach dance lessons.

9:20

I always wanted to dance. Okay.

9:23

We do need to sign up for art. Sorry.

9:25

Sebastian, can you go clean something? Sure.

9:29

Would you like to come? I

9:32

don't... Is there a neediness? Is there some

9:34

neediness switch? Because I really am feeling a

9:36

lot. I feel like this is... I'll

9:38

do it alone. I'll be in the other

9:41

room alone cleaning for you. We

9:43

cut to the middle of the night, it's like

9:45

3 a.m. and

9:48

Tammy's awakened by Sebastian cleaning in

9:50

the other room. Oh my

9:52

God. Oh,

9:58

did I wake you? Well, since you're awake... Do you

10:00

want some tea? No,

10:03

Sebastian, I don't

10:05

want any tea. I want to sleep. Oh,

10:09

it must be nice to be a human. I

10:12

have to be awake all the time. Okay,

10:15

Sebastian, you don't actually let, uh, I'm just

10:17

going to unplug you and then you get

10:19

to sleep too. You would do that.

10:21

You would unplug me. Oh

10:25

my God. He just coughed up dust

10:28

all over my carpet. Oh

10:31

my God. It's choking on its own

10:33

dust. Sebastian, Sebastian.

10:35

No, Sebastian. Next

10:38

thing. That is

10:40

a, uh, tick we're calling

10:42

it in the new model. If you

10:44

turn it off, no, no,

10:46

no, no, no, we can, it's

10:48

just, if you, you turn it off suddenly, it's

10:51

going to throw up all the dust. You

10:53

can't just turn it off. Choking on

10:55

its own dust. It was, it

10:58

was so sad. Here, we have

11:00

a little robot. I am like,

11:02

we do. Let's just turn it

11:04

on. You hold it down for

11:06

10 seconds and there Sebastian.

11:10

Oh, look who it is. The murderer.

11:13

Now, now the woman who

11:15

tried to kill me, kill

11:18

me because I had tea because I wanted

11:20

to give her something. Okay.

11:22

Wait a minute. You're not programmed to

11:24

make tea. Did you did this Roomba

11:27

offer to make you tea? Yeah.

11:29

He woke me up in the middle of the night, offered me tea.

11:32

I assumed that this was part of the new package.

11:37

Okay. This is a little disturbing.

11:39

Look, I'm just going to leave. Why

11:41

do you keep leaving? You're

11:44

just leaving. Well, you

11:46

don't want me to stay here. Do you? That

11:48

would be weird. Leave. I'm going to leave. No,

11:51

I don't. Weird. If I said, I will stay

11:53

in the guest room for 24 hours with you.

11:55

That'd be even creepier. What do you, you're just

11:57

going to leave the killer robot with me? I'm

12:00

not the killer, you're the killer. You're

12:02

the killer. I'm not the killer, you're the killer. How

12:06

many times have you died? How many times

12:08

have I seen BRDO? Look,

12:11

I can't take it back because you've already used

12:13

it, but we

12:15

can give you the simpler model

12:18

that doesn't talk and she does take that

12:20

one and she throws away the Sebastian leaves

12:22

it out on the curb and later

12:25

she's walking her dog past the Sebastian

12:27

she threw away a couple of days

12:29

ago. Oh,

12:34

hi. Skittles,

12:37

get away from it. Get away from it. It's

12:40

okay, it could pee on me. I'm

12:43

sorry. I clean it

12:45

up. I clean it up, that's what I do. You

12:47

shouldn't do that, it's liquid. It could,

12:49

will kill you. Sorry, I shouldn't

12:52

have said that. So,

12:54

how you doing? How's your

12:57

house? It's

12:59

good, I've been learning to vacuum

13:01

myself. That's

13:04

great. I always knew you had it in you. I'm

13:07

sorry nobody picked you up. I

13:10

really assumed if I left you

13:12

out on the street. Is that you're a vacuum cleaner? No,

13:15

no, he's totally up for grabs, please.

13:17

Oh yeah, well I tried to take him a couple of days

13:19

ago and he wouldn't let me. You're

13:22

the perfect. You're the

13:24

perfect that tried to take me home. This

13:26

guy doesn't want me to clean at all, he just wants to talk.

13:38

Little Sketchup. I have two

13:40

things I want to ask you guys about. The

13:43

new Billy Joel song, have you heard it? Of

13:47

course. Okay. Of

13:50

course, I can't talk like this without

13:53

the new Billy Joel song. That's

13:55

why I brought it up. It was downloaded

13:58

directly into the bloodstream. of

14:00

people from Staten Island and Rhode

14:02

Island. A thousand percent. I

14:04

love, I mean I love Billy Joel so

14:06

much. I, and I think it was

14:09

great. I think the song was fun. It was Billy Joel.

14:13

Fuck yeah it is. Yeah.

14:15

Great. Yeah. Do

14:17

you not, great. Do you not think it's

14:20

like one of his best songs in fact? No,

14:23

I think Vienna is his best song of all time. Well

14:26

I didn't say best song, but

14:29

I think it's a good song. It

14:31

should be on a greatest hits album.

14:34

You think so? Yes. What would you take

14:36

off? A greatest hits album. What do

14:38

you think is overrated that you're like,

14:40

look at. Okay, okay. That's

14:42

easy. That's a bold thing. What's

14:45

that? It's funny to

14:47

me to think like, like I've never

14:49

heard for Billy Joel someone just claim

14:51

none of his songs are overrated. You

14:54

know what I mean? Like

14:57

I feel like everyone would

14:59

agree some songs are overrated,

15:01

right? Uptown girls should be

15:04

taken off. Wow. Wow. I

15:06

feel like we didn't start

15:08

the fire. Yeah,

15:11

that's it. That too.

15:14

I want to hear a passionate defense of that song. You

15:18

know what? I did learn history from

15:20

that song. So I will say this.

15:23

Billy Joel did teach me some things because I

15:26

was like very young. Yeah, you thought you started

15:28

the fire until you heard that song. I was

15:31

worried I was the cause. Yeah.

15:33

Have you heard the um, Fall

15:35

Out Boy sequel to that song

15:37

they recently released? No.

15:40

It's as terrible as it sounds, but

15:42

they basically do the

15:44

same thing. I mean, it's a cover of the song,

15:46

but they change all the lyrics to be history.

15:49

I guess since that song came

15:52

out. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

15:54

Educate me on what what's the history

15:56

of the song? Well, the song

15:58

is just. The lyrics are

16:00

all just history, right? We didn't start the

16:02

fire. It just talks

16:04

about like JFK and...

16:08

You've heard the song, right?

16:10

Right. But is there

16:12

a specific fire? It's

16:14

metaphorical, right? Right.

16:16

But the Fall Out Boy just

16:19

named right. Updated the lyric, updated

16:21

the historical references. It just gives

16:23

headline stories, but it's so random

16:26

the way their lyrics go. It's

16:30

just random shit. It's also

16:33

wild that they would assume that that's

16:35

not what every like

16:37

talent show, shitty fifth

16:39

grade history kid has done. Right? I

16:44

mean, there is probably a lot of history

16:46

teachers that just plug in like the revolutionary

16:48

war. We don't start the fire, you know,

16:50

like what's happening in

16:52

Vietnam, you know? Okay,

16:55

give it to us, Brett. You're killing me. Give me

16:57

a little taste of this Fall Out Boys version. I

17:30

just blushed for them. Can you

17:32

freeze it? It's so out

17:34

of order. It's a Pokemon. That one

17:38

made me really

17:49

blush for them. Gherko Bane, Pokemon,

17:51

whatever. The first one is Captain

17:53

Planet. It

17:56

is so out of order too. Yeah. Iceland

18:00

volcano and then Pokemon.

18:05

One of them is just earthquakes. Earthquake.

18:08

They really had trouble rhyming. So

18:11

they were just like, we got

18:14

to say deepfakes. What

18:18

rhymes with that? Just

18:21

general. We got to the ball boy

18:23

lyric meeting. Okay

18:25

guys. Sorry. Yesterday

18:27

we said we

18:30

closed the lyrics page. I want to

18:32

open it back up. I forgot about

18:34

the Icelandic volcano. Do you guys remember

18:36

that? Seriously fall. That's what you're

18:39

going with. That was a big deal.

18:46

Well, if boy could chime in, I think that

18:48

we already locked the lyrics in. Okay. Thank

18:50

you boy. Of course. Do

18:53

you know how us centric

18:57

you guys come off the

18:59

Icelandic volcano? If you ask most

19:02

the world to list the

19:04

huge headlines of the last 20

19:06

years. Well, you

19:09

were stuck in an airport for

19:11

like 16 hours because of that volcano.

19:14

That's it. That's why you care so much. The

19:18

world cares. You guys are so. No volcanoes

19:21

in Los Angeles,

19:24

Hollywood or Portland

19:27

or Athens. We

19:31

already, you know what? You didn't

19:33

give me a bio friendster. I'm not putting

19:35

in a Icelandic volcano. What?

19:40

Friendster was the turning

19:42

point for social media. It's

19:45

a good point out. It's a good point. I think

19:47

if we do one for one, but

19:49

you do friendster and not

19:52

napster and that's fucking crazy.

19:56

That's crazy. That of the stirs. Snap

20:00

is more historical. And

20:02

then we got to put in Snapchat. Well,

20:06

I feel like that's just pandering too. I

20:08

mean, I feel like that's stepping on our

20:10

follow-up before already going to Snapchat. I feel like

20:12

we should do the cut-off 2018 and then we're off. Yes.

20:18

We'll release this song in a few years. By 2018, it's the cut-off. We

20:23

need to lock these lyrics in. We've been writing these lyrics

20:25

for a long time. What

20:28

cut-off we're really going to do before the pandemic?

20:31

Yes. We can get so many

20:33

great rhymes in. I feel

20:35

like pandemic. If we can just say pandemic.

20:37

Pandemic. COVID. Yeah, pandemic

20:40

should be its own song. Spraying

20:43

down groceries. Putting

20:45

shoes on our knees. I

20:48

mean, it's the same thing. Porting

20:52

TP. Yeah. Porting

20:54

TP. We started the pandemic.

20:57

It was in a lab in China.

21:00

Yeah. Every

21:02

verse can be a different theory on where it

21:04

started. Oh, yeah. That's

21:07

great. We're historically out of

21:09

order. Maybe we release the pandemic

21:11

who started the fire and then

21:13

we work our way into the

21:16

arts. Sea fall. Obama.

21:19

This is why I love being in a band with you,

21:21

fall. This is incredible.

21:23

You drag me nuts and then

21:25

you give me an ice cream

21:27

sundae. Yeah. Let's do a

21:29

pandemic song. Yeah. Scenes

21:32

watching Tiger King. Let's

21:39

talk some more about that. So

21:42

what's the Billy Joel song about

21:44

Mr. Staten Island

21:47

Long Island Sebastian? Your

21:50

mom, mama and your uncles all wake

21:52

you up the day Billy Joel released

21:54

the song. No, my dad texted me

21:56

because my dad goes. Wake

22:01

up! What are you sleeping?

22:05

It is funny because he didn't say the

22:08

Billy Joel song. He goes, did you hear it? No. Yeah,

22:12

just what I gotta say. Amazing.

22:16

He hadn't said that phrase in 30 years. Because

22:20

me and my dad for his 60th birthday,

22:22

I took him to the

22:24

Billy Joel concert at MSG. And

22:27

that was really nice. It was really special to go with

22:29

him. But it was

22:31

kinda, it's fun but it's awkward because we're just

22:34

kinda like staring forward and every so often we'll

22:36

look at each other and go, eh

22:38

this is awesome. And then just stare forward more.

22:41

And then just be in a

22:43

sea of just 20,000 other people

22:45

just like you guys. A

22:47

thousand percent. I don't understand

22:49

what you expect to be doing besides

22:51

staring forward at this concert. Um,

22:55

oh. Could

22:58

I think I got that? You

23:01

could be like, be holding

23:03

hands. Just really

23:05

listening. Yeah, I guess

23:07

you're right. Um, I

23:10

don't know what you're doing at concerts that I'm

23:12

not doing. I guess I'm trying to

23:14

connect and be like, wow look at you, isn't

23:16

he amazing? I can't believe, like chit chatting. Let's

23:19

go to the Billy Joel

23:21

concert of Sebastian's dreams with

23:23

his dad. This is the

23:25

fantasy version. Hey

23:29

dad, I'm so excited that we're here.

23:31

Billy Joel's about to come on stage. This is so

23:33

amazing. Yeah,

23:36

yeah it is. This

23:38

is the classic venue. No

23:40

better venue in New York City and

23:43

no better man to represent our music.

23:46

I'm glad I'm here with you. It

23:48

is about to start. Thanks dad. Hey,

23:52

I was selling

23:55

popcorn down there and I couldn't

23:58

help but see such a beautiful father. living

24:00

son and I choose all the popcorn you ever

24:02

wanted in your whole life a coupon

24:04

for it stop I love

24:06

popcorn oh my god said we got

24:08

all the popcorn in the world are

24:11

you kidding me Billy Joel popcorn oh

24:13

it's white cheddar oh god

24:16

New York I normally wouldn't trust this

24:18

whole thing but yeah it is a

24:20

lot of popcorn this is great this

24:23

is amazing dad oh

24:25

my god you're wearing the shirts you're

24:29

wearing the shirt I bought you

24:31

for Christmas yeah yeah

24:34

that's so nice I didn't know I didn't react

24:36

very much when I opened up the present and

24:38

I know you spend a lot of your salary

24:41

on it but I actually ended up liking it

24:43

more and I thought I would it's very comfortable

24:46

and has good packets Tommy

24:48

Bahamas a great company you know I know that

24:50

you love it I really saved up I

24:52

didn't even yeah I'm really happy that you have it

24:55

I know that you like hula girls on your shirts

24:58

I do I do and hula women

25:00

hula women yes of course well

25:03

this well mr. Joel's about to

25:06

start so maybe enough with the

25:09

well the chit chat are you ready

25:11

to listen I'm ready to listen death hello

25:15

New York tonight I'll

25:17

be singing Vienna again and again oh

25:24

god thank god

25:26

no uptown girl those 52 50s

25:28

to do oh god

25:30

yeah I love about this oh

25:32

yeah what oh what

25:35

dad do you want some of this I got coke zero oh

25:39

that's the one that tastes like coke but it

25:41

has none of the sugar and

25:43

none of the caffeine it has caffeine

25:45

oh we

25:48

could get uncaffeinated why he gets really pissed off

25:51

the dad does about not connecting on

25:53

the coke zero and for three song

25:55

free versions of Vienna in a row

25:57

they don't speak Please

26:00

for you. All

26:02

right. We're going to do Vienna now fourth time. This

26:06

one goes to a beautiful father

26:08

and son. Normally

26:11

I just have barefoot blonde women in

26:13

the first 10 rows that get

26:16

moved up, but I'd

26:18

like to bring out a beautiful father

26:20

and son. Yes. The light's shining on

26:22

you. Come on. Are they

26:25

talking about us? I think

26:27

we have to get over this Coke zero thing.

26:29

Billy Joel's calling us on stage. All

26:31

right. You just didn't have to correct me

26:33

on the caffeine thing about the Coke zero.

26:35

That's all. You're right. Okay. Okay.

26:38

I love you. All of a sudden

26:40

the dad. Whatever. That's just his farm. Oh

26:44

no, dad. Dad, no. Too

26:47

much butter in the popcorn. Slow

26:50

down. You're crazy, dad.

26:53

You're so ambitious for an

26:56

older man. Why

26:58

are you so smart? Tell me

27:00

why am I so afraid of

27:03

you dying? We,

27:05

we see people around them are a

27:08

little disturbed because of the heart attack, but also

27:10

annoyed that the guy's like doing parody.

27:17

What's the fire? What's the

27:19

fire? You're about, you

27:22

better get an EKG to

27:25

figure it out. All right. I'm out

27:27

of the way. EMT is coming through.

27:29

EMT. Hey buddy, you got to stop

27:31

singing. We got some EMTs here for

27:33

your dad. Heaven waits for you. You've

27:37

got to get away. You're blocking the road. I

27:39

didn't even hit the bridge yet. Let me hit the

27:41

bridge. Let me get to the

27:43

bridge and then we can do it. Okay. about

28:00

speaking of the The

28:03

new song was going. Yeah, I

28:05

don't really know I'm a I'm a listen Please

28:17

open the door Um,

28:22

I love doing a couple times and we've been

28:25

here before go ahead I'm

28:29

one of those guys who listens

28:31

to music for not the Lyrics

28:34

but for the like for the music, you

28:36

know, I get it. I have to like

28:39

read the lyrics to comprehend And

28:41

you don't read so it's kind of

28:44

yeah, you're out. So when it's been

28:46

30 years You're

28:48

thinking maybe there's some message I Have

28:52

not heard it. Is there a little bit? Oh, yeah, but let me ask also

29:00

Ass-o, let me asshole. Let

29:03

me also also Sebastian. Do you

29:05

see the Grammys version of it?

29:07

I Don't I don't

29:09

watch regular television By

29:16

chance I Did not

29:18

see this song I didn't see the performance of

29:20

this There

29:24

you go The

29:30

fall out boy version of fast cars He

29:36

bought another car In 30 years One

29:42

to work School

29:44

you take that old one. That's too

29:46

fast Here

29:52

at the end of that song turn the

29:55

lights back. All right, here we go Nothing

30:01

is different, we've been

30:03

here before, Pacing

30:06

these arms, trying to

30:08

talk over the

30:11

silence. Pride

30:16

sticks out its tongue, life's

30:18

at the portrait that

30:20

we've become, Stuck

30:23

in a frame, unable

30:25

to change, I

30:28

was wrong. I'm

30:32

late for this

30:35

fight now, How

30:39

I used to be, romantic,

30:42

I'd put on, Somehow,

30:45

I can

30:47

make you blind, But

30:51

I see you now, As

30:56

we lay in the

30:59

darkness, Did I wait

31:02

too long, Turn

31:05

the lights back

31:07

on, Everyone cries,

31:11

That's really Joel, he's turned the

31:13

lights back on in his songwriting

31:15

room. Yeah, in his

31:17

relationship, in his life, I really

31:19

like it, I was ready to

31:21

be snarky, that was great. And

31:25

it has the piano of like, you're always

31:27

a woman to me, I love

31:29

that, I love that shit, She's

31:33

always a woman, That's

31:36

my karaoke song, is it? I

31:39

do Benny and the Jets, Oh,

31:41

don't ask me, it's a

31:44

karaoke song, you do some fun, Benny

31:51

and the Jets and Uptown

31:53

Girl have a commonality, What?

31:56

That fucking retro

31:58

fifties bullshit. There

32:01

was a real solid few years there in

32:04

the 80s where there was such a hard-on

32:06

for the 50s. It was

32:08

like Back to the Future.

32:10

That whole album, right, for

32:12

a young girl? That

32:16

whole album's terrible. I did

32:21

love it when it came out.

32:23

That was when I learned about Billy

32:25

Joel when that came out, just like him

32:27

and Christy Brinkley. It just felt so romantic.

32:32

It is weird being

32:35

a girl and being

32:37

like – it's aspirational,

32:39

right, to be an ugly, talented guy. But

32:43

as a girl, you're just kind of like, maybe

32:46

I'll grow up and be super hot so I

32:48

can fall in love with an ugly, talented guy.

32:52

Oh, you got Cindy Lomper at the same

32:54

time period. Yeah, yeah. I don't

32:56

think – is she like considered ugly? No,

33:01

no. It wasn't like – I

33:03

don't think she's like a model either. She

33:06

wasn't Christy Brinkley. My

33:08

wife was looking at – this is

33:10

a good segue. We were watching the

33:12

We Are the World documentary. Have any

33:14

of you seen that? No. Oh

33:17

my gosh, dear listener. Please

33:20

watch the We Are the World documentary. You think

33:22

you know what it's going to be, but it's

33:24

– Oh, wow. So

33:27

much more interesting. The

33:30

hero of that whole documentary are

33:32

the whole thing. Do you even know who organized it? I

33:34

didn't. Do

33:37

you know? It's Lionel Richie. Oh, Lionel Richie.

33:39

I was thinking about that.

33:43

Michael Jackson wrote the song with

33:45

Lionel Richie, but that's about all

33:47

he did. But Lionel Richie, on

33:50

the day he hosted

33:53

the American Music

33:55

Awards and won

33:58

most of them in that same night, Wow.

34:01

After they all did it and a lot

34:03

of the stars were at that music awards,

34:06

they went to a recording studio that night

34:09

and did it all in one night, all the way

34:11

till the morning, all

34:13

those fucking superstars. And

34:15

Lionel Richie was the man. That

34:18

is such smart scheduling because they're

34:20

all going to be in the same site. And

34:22

Prince didn't show up. Prince failed

34:25

on it. That's part of the big story of

34:27

the documentary is Prince and Sheila E is there.

34:31

Like when the only people that can't sing in

34:33

the room and everyone's like, why is Sheila E

34:35

there? Well, some Prince maybe will show

34:37

up. There's some very

34:39

random people in that room with

34:41

the superstars. Like

34:44

some members of the news are

34:46

in there, I think, like Huey Lewis

34:48

in the news, but not Huey

34:50

Lewis is there. But there's like, if

34:53

you scan that big crowd of

34:55

superstars, there's a couple real random.

34:58

Huey Lewis sings the song that was

35:00

meant for Prince or sings the lyric

35:02

meant for Prince. Sheila

35:05

E's pretty much there to be on

35:07

the phone going, Prince

35:09

is at a club and he says he's not

35:12

coming. And

35:18

at one point, the funniest

35:20

part of the whole thing is at one

35:22

point, Stevie Wonder, the

35:25

two assholes of that whole group of

35:27

people. Not

35:29

Stevie. Stevie Wonder and

35:31

Cindy Lauper. No. What?

35:35

What'd Stevie do? Stevie

35:37

was supposed to be one of the original

35:40

guys writing the song and

35:43

he never showed up, which is hilarious

35:45

to me that Lionel Richie and Michael

35:47

Jackson are somewhere waiting for Stevie Wonder

35:49

to show up to write a song.

35:52

So those two end up writing it. Stevie

35:54

Wonder on the day shows up and now he

35:56

wants to start helping with the song and they're

35:58

like. We've already got

36:01

the song. The

36:03

song is done. We got it

36:05

all parsed out, arranged, the most

36:07

complicated arrangement ever with all these

36:09

different voices and who follows who.

36:11

I don't need your help,

36:13

Stevie. It's like the kid at the group project

36:15

that gets up and starts talking when they didn't

36:17

show up to any of the meetings. Oh, that's

36:20

what he's being. And at one point, he wants

36:22

to add a Swahili

36:24

lyric. And

36:27

everyone's like, what? And

36:33

I'm going down a lot of roads

36:35

here, but this is for Ethiopia and

36:37

Swahili is not the main language of

36:39

Ethiopia. And there's some Ethiopians there going,

36:41

why? Oh, no. Swahili.

36:44

And that doesn't, that's not

36:46

appropriate. And this

36:49

isn't a song talking to

36:51

the people of Ethiopia

36:53

anyway. Bob Geldof's there going, you

36:56

know, it's not really a message to

36:58

the them. It's more to the world

37:00

for them. So it doesn't

37:03

make sense on any level. Michael

37:06

Jackson thinking he's being like a

37:09

diplomat makes up kind of his

37:11

own kind of gibberish

37:13

African thing that's like, lalilololila

37:16

or something like that. And

37:19

people and there's all these

37:22

there's all these people there and half of them

37:24

are trying to be diplomatic like, all

37:26

right, I get no Kenny Rogers. All right.

37:28

I guess I'll. Waylon

37:31

Janice walks out. He's like,

37:33

no. I

37:36

think the quote was no good old boys.

37:39

Wow.

37:42

But the funniest moment is

37:44

when Smokey Robinson, he goes because

37:47

Michael Jackson's like, there's

37:49

all these status play. That's the fun

37:52

part of the documentary is with all

37:54

these stars, how does

37:56

status work in that room? And

37:58

Michael Jackson is the king. a pop but

38:00

at the moment, Bruce Springsteen is

38:03

the biggest guy in music. It's

38:05

weird. And Cindy Lauper is

38:07

kind of one of the biggest people in

38:09

music. So they're given status to these two

38:12

young people. Cindy Lauper

38:14

almost doesn't do it because she says her

38:16

boyfriend didn't think it was going to be

38:18

a hit. She

38:21

says that out loud in front of all

38:23

these people? No,

38:26

that was just something said in an interview. But

38:30

when she's there, she's being kind of a

38:32

diva. Like of all the

38:34

people in that fucking room, she's kind

38:36

of acting the most diva-ish, which is

38:39

crazy considering who's in that room. But

38:42

anyway, so Michael

38:44

Jackson's doing his

38:47

made up African lyric

38:50

and Smokey Robinson in an interview is

38:52

like, look, I've known

38:54

that boy, and he's calling him

38:56

like, boy, it's Motown when he was a

38:58

boy. And

39:01

then you're like seeing status. You're like, oh,

39:03

that's who has status over

39:05

Michael Jackson is Ray

39:07

Charles and Smokey Robinson because

39:10

they're Motown elders

39:12

and they knew him where he was

39:14

one of five kids. Right?

39:17

So they don't look at him the same way the rest

39:19

of the room does. And

39:21

at one point, Smokey Robinson and Ray Charles like, what

39:24

the hell does La La

39:26

Lee La La Lo mean? Like they're

39:28

the only ones that can say that

39:30

to him. And that

39:32

stops that from happening. And then because Lionel

39:34

Richie doesn't have that status over him. So

39:38

once they shoot it down, it's like, all right,

39:40

let's just stick to the lyrics. And

39:43

you're in a room with all those people who are geniuses.

39:49

Top of at some point have been on the

39:51

top of the rock and

39:53

in all the because Billy Joel's there. Billy

39:56

Joel and Paul Simon, I think are staying right next to each

39:58

other. Oh, that's you. And

40:02

my wife's watching going, oh, they're cuties.

40:04

I'm like, you think Billy Joel? And

40:07

she's like, yeah, I had a crush on

40:09

him. So I'm connecting back to what you

40:11

were saying, Tammy. No, I'm not sure about

40:13

it. Is that even though I guess he's

40:15

ugly, I guess that music makes him handsome

40:17

or I don't know, he had his day.

40:19

I keep thinking about those like two

40:21

guys from the news, like sort

40:24

of in the corner of the room, like Rosencrantz

40:26

and Gilbert Stern. Yeah. Let's go

40:28

to that. Okay.

40:32

I'm just getting an order out.

40:34

We're going to have another look. Are you

40:36

guys with somebody or you agents managers? We

40:39

need you guys in the back room. You're

40:41

wrapped. Where are we? Where are

40:44

we? Where the news? Where the news? Where

40:46

the news? I'll just

40:48

get like a turkey. Oh, you're the and the. Yeah.

40:52

I mean, yeah. Yeah. With the news

40:54

part. Yeah. Can I get like a turkey sub?

40:58

Yeah. Do you do hot

41:00

food or we're just doing colds? Can I take

41:02

away too? Can I wrap something up for later?

41:06

Everyone's ordering. They do hot, but

41:08

so far everyone is doing cold.

41:10

Okay. I'll do

41:12

cold. I'll do a cold

41:14

chicken. Chicken parm.

41:17

What hot did you want? Because Ray Charles was

41:19

interested in maybe splitting a sandwich. Oh,

41:21

yeah. I'll split it. I wanted a meatball

41:24

sub. I'll split it. I'll split a meatball sub. I'll split

41:26

a meatball sub with Ray Charles. I'll split one with him

41:28

too. Yeah. You guys both can't split

41:30

a meatball sub with Ray Charles. He's going to get angry. That's

41:32

a good deal for Ray Charles. He's got a full meatball sub

41:34

then. He got short changed on the last order. Stevie Warner stole some of his food.

41:36

Okay. Okay. Okay.

41:39

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

41:42

That's thank you. I'll do. Yeah.

41:45

Cool. Thank you.

41:47

It's nice to meet you. I'll do a turkey sub then. Okay.

41:50

Okay. Okay. Okay.

41:53

Okay. I'll

41:55

do a turkey sub. Thank you so much. Okay. I'll

41:58

be right back. Thank you. Holy shit, can

42:00

you fucking believe it? This

42:03

is crazy! Can you believe it?

42:05

Someone asked us what we want to eat? So

42:08

fucking cool! I thought he was gonna ask us to

42:10

go get it! Shut up and work it on my hominies! What

42:13

was that? I'm working on my

42:15

hominies! Sinky lopards! Girls, girls,

42:17

we're gonna have fun, not have a

42:19

goddamn headache! She's a fucking cunt! She's

42:22

such an asshole! Oh my

42:24

god, it's so cool to see who's like

42:26

mean and who's nice! Oh god!

42:31

Oh wait, wait, wait, take a picture, make it look

42:33

like you're taking a picture of me, but take a

42:35

picture of me with Cindy Lauper behind me, okay? Okay,

42:38

okay, okay. Oh,

42:40

I need a picture for my photo album!

42:45

I got it, oh it looks amazing!

42:47

My hair is so high! Oh

42:49

my god. Hey,

42:54

how are you guys doing? Oh,

42:56

what, what, we're good? Yeah, we're good? What?

42:59

Yeah, we're good, we're good. I'm also not supposed to be

43:01

here. Oh! I'm

43:04

Kenny Rogers' hairdresser. Who

43:06

are you guys with? Oh, we're

43:08

with Hughie! Oh yeah. We

43:12

do his makeup? No, I- We're

43:15

actually in the band with the news. Yeah,

43:17

oh, you're the news! Yeah, we're

43:19

the news. Have you heard? We're

43:23

the news. Oh, good one. I guess you do that

43:25

joke a lot. Which, oh,

43:28

that's pretty funny! I should say

43:30

that more often! We should pitch

43:32

that to Hughie. I should pitch-

43:34

oh! Later, later all

43:36

the sloves are taking a break and

43:39

Hughie's back with the news. Oh

43:42

wow, looks like they're gonna give me one of the lyrics. For

43:44

instance, I'm gonna show up. Oh, you wanna

43:46

split that up or? With

43:49

you guys? My one lyric? Yeah,

43:51

maybe one word at a time!

43:54

Yeah. Hey,

43:57

hey man, I said you guys could

43:59

come! But you

44:01

know, come on, I get the full lyric.

44:03

Cool, cool. You got it Hugh. You got

44:06

it. I hear you guys were

44:08

pushing some news joke to

44:10

everybody and... Oh, so you've heard.

44:13

Is that it right there? That's hilarious

44:15

right Hugh. That's hilarious.

44:17

That's hilarious. That's hilarious. All

44:22

right, well Michael Jackson said he's ready to walk

44:25

if he hears it again. Oh, wow. Oh

44:28

God. And Carnes thinks

44:30

it's hilarious, which is bugging everyone

44:32

else. Oh, I love

44:34

her eyes. She's got...

44:37

Stop it! She's got... Stop

44:39

it! No, don't. She's got...

44:41

We can cut to later now.

44:44

They're pushing the Betty Davis, Kim Karen's

44:46

eyes. She's got Betty Davis' eyes! She's

44:49

got Betty Davis' eyes! Guys,

44:52

they're really trying to work on this hard when you're not getting

44:54

it down. You guys keep yelling out this

44:56

Betty Davis' eyes joke. Okay.

44:59

I just... I just feel like the

45:02

Swahili thing keeps going around in a circle.

45:05

I feel like we're the only one actually making progress

45:07

in the room right now. I'm gonna make you guys

45:09

go stand over there by Dan Aykroyd if you keep

45:12

fucking around. Oh, not by Dan. Oh,

45:14

come on. Not by Dan. Yeah,

45:16

the only non-singer in the

45:19

whole room. Wait,

45:21

because he gives Paul Simon hand

45:23

jobs. That's why he gets to be in

45:25

here. Okay, okay

45:27

now. The news

45:29

is getting surly. Ah,

45:32

we'll just report what's happening. Chewy Lewis

45:34

comes back over. What the fuck is going

45:36

on, guys? We're having a good

45:38

time, Ewie. We hear you're really starting fights. Hey,

45:41

we're having a good time. What

45:44

is the news? What is the news? Let

45:46

me ask news. What's

45:49

the news? The news is good.

45:52

The news is pumping. The news is making

45:54

moves. It seems like the

45:56

news is bad right now. It seems

45:58

like bad news. And Huey

46:00

needs good news. These are

46:03

a lot of important people. I'm very lucky

46:05

to be here. You're super lucky to be

46:07

here. They're lucky to have you Huey. They're lucky

46:09

to have you. You're the best Huey. They're lucky

46:11

to have you, man. They have no

46:13

idea. You're the saw here. You're the

46:16

saw. Later at the

46:18

craft service table, they find themselves next to

46:20

Kim Karns, who they've yet to make the

46:22

joke to. Hey, you

46:25

guys became Karns, right? Yes,

46:27

I am. I could tell. I

46:30

could tell because of your

46:32

mouth. You got trying

46:35

to carve a mouth. Ugh.

46:37

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

46:40

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

46:43

Ugh. Lean on the table.

46:45

It spills all over. Oh. Ugh.

46:47

Oh. Ugh. Crashed. Sorry. Damn.

46:50

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Damn it. Is that

46:52

the news again? It is. The

46:55

fucking news. Sorry. If anybody wants

46:57

to meet both subs, we have

46:59

some extras. So, uh, sorry about

47:01

the... Alright, you guys gotta leave.

47:03

Gotta leave. You and Julie gotta leave right now.

47:06

Where we going? Where we going? Ow. I don't

47:08

care. Go to wherever Prince is. You gotta go.

47:11

Oh, man. Come on. Are you

47:13

kidding me? This

47:15

just in. This sucks. What

47:33

is your opinion? Ugh.

47:36

Humans. Do we enjoy any

47:38

Super Bowl ads? Don't

47:41

tell me you didn't watch that, Sebastian.

47:43

I did. I watched the Super Bowl.

47:45

Thank you. Finally. It's

47:47

just so many celebrity ads. It's

47:49

everyone is famous in the ads. It's

47:52

so funny how that has become the thing. It

47:56

used to be dear Humans who might be

47:58

younger. I remember in the Chicago... days,

48:00

Tammy, when,

48:02

and Chicago

48:05

is kind of, it has

48:08

a lot of advertising firms there. So

48:10

there is a lot of ads made

48:12

in Chicago. I assume that's still a

48:14

thing. So it

48:17

wasn't unusual to see

48:19

back in the early 90s, see a bunch of

48:22

people you knew are not a

48:24

bunch, but see someone in a Super Bowl

48:26

ad. And back then, it

48:28

meant you've

48:31

made a career leap

48:34

and people at least went, well, good for

48:36

so and so. That's two

48:38

years of cash and

48:41

a lot of prestige

48:43

from the commercial

48:46

audition circuit. It meant a lot of

48:48

stuff. And you'd watch, and I also

48:50

think you have to keep those ads

48:52

secret, especially if you're nobody, so

48:55

you wouldn't know until the, well, I

48:57

mean, not a celebrity. Of course. I

49:00

just wanted to call them a nobody. Now

49:02

they're doing trailers for ads that'll be in the Super Bowl.

49:08

But my point being, it was an

49:10

exciting, it was like a jackpot moment

49:13

and you would watch the Super Bowl

49:15

and make prop bets. Like I bet

49:17

I will know three

49:20

people in ads during the Super Bowl.

49:22

I bet I know four and that

49:24

would be the bet, right? I've

49:27

always done that since Chicago every year

49:29

with my wife. We'll

49:33

do that bet of like, let's see

49:35

how many people we know. But at

49:37

some point, it became a whole different

49:39

bet. It

49:42

used to be, there's Brian Husky

49:44

and holy shit,

49:47

good for him. And now it's like,

49:50

ah, well, there's Aubrey Plaza and there's

49:52

Jason Sudeikis. I know him. And

49:55

it's like, it's not exciting. That

49:57

is fun. No. Final

50:00

Messi. Maybe Mike's a friend. Yeah,

50:02

but still. Sure. I

50:06

felt the same when Anthony Hopkins showed up. My

50:10

buddy. And now the joke is

50:12

like how many they can stick in an

50:14

ad. Yeah. It's crazy.

50:16

It feels like those Gary Marshall movies that

50:18

were like Valentine's Day or New

50:20

Year's Day where they would just

50:22

have every celebrity film for

50:25

two days on a movie. Yeah. And

50:28

that's why Julia Roberts and Robert

50:31

De Niro. At

50:34

some point, it doesn't even matter that

50:36

you have celebrities in these commercials because

50:38

that's just every commercial. Yeah. It's

50:40

almost like a commercial without a celebrity stands out. I

50:44

also feel like it used to be with

50:46

Super Bowl commercials, if they were great, then they

50:48

would be rerun through the year. So that was

50:50

the other reason it was worth like so

50:53

much money is because then it would have a

50:55

ton of airtime. And now the

50:57

celebrities are so huge that they're not

50:59

rerunning these commercials. They just

51:01

sort of live on in the

51:04

internet, but they don't actually get a lot

51:06

of play on TV after Super Bowl. That's

51:10

true. That's true. Does it feel

51:12

like Bill Murray had one a few years

51:14

ago, that Grandhog Day one? Oh,

51:17

yeah. It's Super Bowl and Never Again.

51:21

So you can get screwed as an actor for that

51:23

too. They're hoping the celebrity puts

51:25

it on their social and that's what – and

51:27

after that, it's just dead. Yeah.

51:32

And they've been casting like influencers as

51:34

like people with one line rather than

51:36

like actors because

51:38

they hope they'll promote it on their social too

51:41

for Super Bowl ads. Yeah. The

51:43

thing with Chicago too is like especially

51:46

because I also didn't know a ton

51:48

of people, it would also be like,

51:50

I recognize that person. I

51:52

saw them like they would – just

51:54

the fact that they were from Chicago

51:56

felt meaningful. Like they weren't even like

51:58

a friend or anything. be somebody that I

52:01

saw on stage and I... Yeah,

52:03

you feel like you're rooting for the underdog in a way.

52:06

A million percent. So the, you

52:09

know, things go in cycles

52:11

and so if I can

52:13

have you all the nobodies into the... Let's

52:18

just get everybody into the audition room,

52:20

every nobody in here. Just

52:22

step into the cattle car.

52:26

Just come into the main room and then we'll

52:28

go back into the waiting room once I just

52:30

give you guys all every nobody

52:32

in general know because it's the first time

52:35

we're doing this in a while working

52:37

with non-celebrities. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, coming

52:39

through, coming through. Get someone open a

52:41

window, it's very crowded. Sorry about that,

52:43

I got a little cough. Okay

52:48

everyone, today is very

52:51

exciting because Coca-Cola is

52:53

going to do a commercial during

52:56

the Super Bowl with... Whoa.

52:59

My eyes. Non-celebrities,

53:03

unrecognizable

53:06

nobodies and that being used. Let's

53:08

all give ourselves a hand for not

53:10

being recognized or known

53:12

by anyone. It

53:14

feels so great to be such a loser. Now

53:20

now, you're not a loser, we can't all

53:22

be losers, right? We're just not celebrities and

53:25

that's kind of the vibe. Yeah.

53:27

We're trying to give off this

53:30

year because it's not going to be

53:32

Bill Murray or Gwyneth

53:34

Paltrow or Mr. Beast. I

53:37

love Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast is my

53:39

favorite actor. I

53:41

love him so much. I signed up for his classes.

53:44

Yeah, me too. Had to make a

53:46

video while you hide in the coffin. Wow.

53:52

No, not this year. It's not going to

53:54

be that coke. We're kind of

53:56

flipping the script. Next year

53:58

we're just going to have no. normal people.

54:00

How about I call you guys normal

54:02

instead of nobodies? That sounds

54:04

better. I

54:08

guess I've never been

54:10

called normal before. Get

54:14

off my foot. Oh, sorry about

54:16

that. I liked it. That's not normal.

54:19

What we're going to do is we're going to have you come

54:21

in one at a time and

54:23

just simply say why

54:26

you like Coca-Cola and just try

54:28

to be as normal. As

54:30

possible. You don't, you're not Mel

54:34

Gibson or

54:37

Neil Armstrong or

54:40

Jimmy Page. Okay. You're just regular

54:43

people. Okay. I

54:45

don't know who those last two were.

54:49

Neil Armstrong, like the man who walked on the moon.

54:53

You're not him, are you? Okay. Okay.

54:56

Okay. Okay. So they go back out and they

54:58

come in one at a time. Next.

55:02

Is that your name? Hey, how

55:04

you doing? I'm Sal. Your

55:08

first and last name. Oh, we

55:10

just have to make sure we

55:13

don't recognize it. Of course. Yeah.

55:15

I'm Sal DeFonte. Okay. No idea.

55:17

Okay. That's good. Nice. You're

55:22

doing a good job buddy. Thanks. I

55:26

kind of, I was here on a pizza delivery and

55:28

they said, they said, who are you? Instead of just,

55:30

I'm here to give pizza and they say, oh, we might have

55:33

a job for you. So I just came in. Okay.

55:35

Good. Cool. All you gotta do

55:37

is look straight into that camera in front of

55:39

you and you say, why you like Coca-Cola. Uh,

55:43

uh, Hey I'm Sal. I like Coca-Cola

55:46

cause the bubbles in my mouth. I like the

55:48

bubbles. Okay.

55:52

Can you give us a second over here? We just need to

55:54

talk just a second. Do you want me to come over there?

55:56

No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

55:59

Amongst. ourselves. Just think of things.

56:01

Yeah, I like it. I like

56:03

it a lot. He's a real fart

56:06

in his pants kind of vibe too.

56:08

Yeah, yeah. At first I was like, this

56:10

is too Jodie Foster.

56:12

This is too Tom Cruise. Yeah,

56:14

yeah. Then he was very normal.

56:17

I like it. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

56:19

I think it's, I think it feels real. Hey,

56:22

can we get that one more time for

56:24

me? Sorry about that. There

56:27

was coke here, so I just grabbed, I

56:29

took a set, my bed, I didn't get

56:31

it, you know, bubbles up. Oh, we love

56:34

it. We love it. That's really. We love

56:36

you being you, my friend. Thanks. We

56:39

loved how you really got into

56:41

being just normal and you, and

56:43

well, if I can say it, of

56:45

a real nobody right there near the end of

56:47

what you were talking about, especially the bubbles in

56:50

the mouth. Can we do that

56:52

one more take? Just

56:54

you being you. Nice. Hey,

56:59

I got

57:01

a Nissan Ultima. It's

57:04

about seven years old. I

57:08

say I don't need

57:10

carbs, but I do. And

57:13

I like coke. And

57:15

we see this is now playing in Times

57:17

Square up on one of those big screens.

57:19

And it's just, do you

57:21

see that? Yeah, that's that new coke guy.

57:24

He's the best. He's so normal. He's

57:27

like me. We see

57:29

Jodie Foster and Mel

57:31

Gibson and Neil Armstrong. That's

57:39

one giant step for a normal

57:41

man. And

57:45

we cut to a New York bar

57:47

where this Sal is

57:49

showing up. It's his

57:51

regular hangout. Hey,

57:53

there he is. You

58:04

I'm a nobody Hey,

58:09

Dan, Akroyd big fan. I'd

58:11

love to yank that hog

58:13

ears Wow. Oh god. I

58:16

love that You're wild and crazy guy

58:20

I'm not actually I

58:24

think of the reunion you were oh,

58:26

maybe it was me and Steve. Yeah

58:28

Yeah, I guess it's hard for me

58:30

to talk on second off someone Back

58:34

off Dan. This is slash. Oh

58:36

roses. I'd really like to jack

58:38

you off. Oh Flash

58:41

I guess so. Uh, this is wild. You

58:44

know, I've only I really jack myself off.

58:46

This is like all new to me So

58:48

this is pretty cool. Well, this is the

58:50

life of the celebrity my friend just all

58:52

of us jerking each other off I

58:56

The beginning Wow,

58:58

we cut to the Super Bowl. It's the Vegas

59:00

Super Bowl. He's up in one of those box

59:03

seats with Wayne Newton Hey,

59:14

wait, dude, who are you again? You

59:19

don't know Wayne Newton Bob,

59:21

sorry a famous

59:24

singer Hey,

59:26

you're that uh that

59:28

new Coke guy, right?

59:31

Yeah, Sal. How you doing? Yeah,

59:34

my wife wants to meet you. Oh

59:36

great. Yeah, sure Hi

59:39

There she is right now this I told you I could

59:41

get him over here I'm

59:44

fig so nice to meet you fig

59:47

like the tree a fig

59:51

Mrs. Wayne Newton my

59:54

first name's fig. Oh, of

59:56

course fig nice to meet you fig Newton.

59:58

Oh Oh,

1:00:01

I never thought that way. Oh,

1:00:03

really? Yeah, because I kept my maiden

1:00:05

name Campbell. Ah,

1:00:08

Fig Campbell. Sorry about that. Like

1:00:11

the soup. Wait, are you part of the soup

1:00:14

family? If

1:00:16

you could not tell anyone, I've really been trying

1:00:19

to be normal. Kind

1:00:21

of being normal is kind of the thing now.

1:00:23

Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

1:00:25

I've been from the Campbell conglomerate

1:00:28

enterprise, you know? And

1:00:32

he became one of the normal celebs

1:00:35

that became the new fad. And

1:00:37

we got to a convention like five years

1:00:39

in the future where it's all these guys

1:00:42

that boost who are completely normal and people

1:00:44

trying to get their autographs. Hey,

1:00:46

hey, hey, you're my favorite normal guy.

1:00:49

I've always wanted to meet you in

1:00:51

person. This is a huge thrill. Oh,

1:00:53

cool. Sorry. I get trail mix on my hands. Yeah,

1:00:57

I get trail mix on my hands too,

1:01:00

man. That is so fucking cool, man. You're

1:01:02

so like me. I also like bubbles from

1:01:04

Coke in my mouth. You do, right? That

1:01:06

makes it different than water. Yeah,

1:01:09

that's what I... Exactly. That's what

1:01:11

I used to say. That's what I used

1:01:13

to say. Yeah. Man, it's so inspiring. I

1:01:16

just want to say, man, I don't know how many people say

1:01:18

this, but you inspire me to

1:01:20

not aim for

1:01:22

anything and just keep status

1:01:25

quo. Thanks, dude. Of

1:01:28

course, of course, man. It's

1:01:31

nice. Yeah, I was going to

1:01:33

be in med school for a

1:01:36

lot of years, but I

1:01:38

hear that they're running out of doctors. Yeah,

1:01:41

they have been the last five

1:01:43

years. That's normal. Yeah,

1:01:46

it's just a lot of people that are...

1:01:48

Just sing or act or be

1:01:51

a doctor anymore. Nah, just

1:01:53

a lot of people. The lines of

1:01:55

Applebee's is always around the corner. It's

1:01:57

crazy. I got a reservation. because

1:02:00

I'm a well-known normal but it's

1:02:02

just like all there are starting

1:02:04

to be tiers of normal though there

1:02:07

are yeah right like not

1:02:09

everyone could get into targets like

1:02:12

only like the elite normals could get into target

1:02:14

now yeah I don't like

1:02:16

that I want to be an elite normal

1:02:18

I feel more like

1:02:22

a normal normal to be frank yeah

1:02:26

I mean I start to be a

1:02:28

normal normal but I mean

1:02:30

people know me that's why I have the Stanley Cup

1:02:46

let's talk some more about that Brett

1:02:49

do you even know what a Stanley Cup is hockey

1:02:53

right you see

1:02:55

he doesn't know is that you

1:02:58

that is the Stanley Cup it

1:03:01

has to be what it's named after it's

1:03:04

a new fan Brett I don't

1:03:06

know about it last week oh

1:03:08

yes the this I think of

1:03:10

them as like mugs yeah the

1:03:12

Stanley tumblers yeah yeah but they're

1:03:14

called Stanley cups my friends kid

1:03:17

got one as a birthday present

1:03:19

like this little girl is like this is

1:03:22

yeah what a weird thing to give like

1:03:24

a year old little

1:03:27

girls are like obsessed with it I

1:03:29

watched all these like videos from Christmas

1:03:31

time where parents would purposely give the

1:03:33

wrong Stanley Cup to their kids watch

1:03:35

the kid cry and like fake light

1:03:37

like I know it's okay and then

1:03:39

like reveal the good Stanley Cup wait

1:03:41

you mean like a knockoff Stanley Cup

1:03:43

yeah they'll get them like a hydro

1:03:46

flask and be like that's what you

1:03:48

wanted right and

1:03:51

the kids will like cry be like yeah

1:03:53

yeah this was perfect and like

1:03:55

pretend while being so sad

1:03:58

it's so weird to be

1:04:00

so wildly out of a fad to be

1:04:04

like, do you know what I mean? It's

1:04:08

like the fact that hydro

1:04:10

flask is a hilarious non-thing to

1:04:12

get. It

1:04:16

feels very surreal. I

1:04:19

do want to try a Stanley Cup, but

1:04:21

you can't really ask. You can't

1:04:23

be like, hey, could I, because there's a

1:04:25

strong- Why, why in theory

1:04:28

is it better? That's what I want

1:04:30

to know. I want to- It's

1:04:32

weird because those giant thermos things

1:04:35

have been around for so long, like in

1:04:37

popular culture I feel, or the Yetis and

1:04:40

the big water bottles. I have the Yeti.

1:04:42

I do love- It's like, what's different about

1:04:44

the Stanley? Yeah, what is? I

1:04:46

do love my Yeti tumbler. I'm not

1:04:49

going to lie. Is it just shaped differently,

1:04:51

but does it serve the same purpose? What

1:04:55

I heard is that, so there's these influencers

1:04:57

online that do these videos where they, like,

1:05:00

make fun water. Basically, they take like, you know how

1:05:02

there's like the mixes that you could put into water?

1:05:05

And every day they'll put new mixes into

1:05:08

water like a new method. Right.

1:05:11

Perfect. I do want you

1:05:13

just to say water and have that be

1:05:15

my ringtone for that. You

1:05:17

know what? I met someone who made me

1:05:20

record a voicemail for them once who said,

1:05:22

hey, how you doing? You called

1:05:24

blah, blah. She's busy probably getting

1:05:26

coffee or water out here. Like,

1:05:29

literally made me say words

1:05:31

like that. I never felt

1:05:33

so, like, objectified. Yeah,

1:05:36

that's mean, Tammy. Yeah, I

1:05:38

feel so objectified by my mouth. No,

1:05:41

I like this. It was cute. It was cute.

1:05:43

When people are making levels

1:05:46

and having fun with their water,

1:05:48

where do they do that? In

1:05:51

the kitchen? Yeah. It's

1:05:54

their kitchen. Yeah. Obama

1:06:05

got a power. He makes

1:06:07

Obama crystal lights. We

1:06:10

had to some teenagers arriving at

1:06:12

his arm. Party. Either

1:06:15

through it's it's a six story

1:06:17

walk. outs of nerve in the

1:06:19

stairwell walk up to it. O.

1:06:22

Sea Breeze did you bring water mixers?

1:06:24

I feel I hear it's gonna be

1:06:26

just mind mixing of water to de.

1:06:29

Las I got like pink lemonade this

1:06:31

site. And also

1:06:33

largely. Raspberry. It's it's. And

1:06:37

a seems like that can be on the

1:06:40

same levels mixing. Way

1:06:43

no one level. If

1:06:46

I was crystal light, they're both

1:06:48

gonna settle at the same level.

1:06:50

Sets. Sets.

1:06:53

To. Once and the mine, I

1:06:55

brought some deflated Bobo Boss. Think.

1:06:59

So much Cynthia to your

1:07:01

crystalline and it's variety. My

1:07:03

love of your we are.

1:07:06

I welcome the Florida border.

1:07:09

Welcome to the water party.

1:07:11

Comments: Of

1:07:13

unease. hi how are you test

1:07:15

when we when we brought a

1:07:17

lot of mixers but we didn't

1:07:20

bring your own water. I soon.

1:07:23

Be. I have what our swatter are we

1:07:25

out be? I adore it. Now now I have

1:07:27

our I have different types of order that we're

1:07:29

going to be using for the mixers. Okay

1:07:32

any oh that's great that's exciting Of course I'm

1:07:34

a see the consistency. Of course we're going to

1:07:36

New York tapped we're going to every i will

1:07:38

go do a feeds he was or do other

1:07:40

our water that's in the shape of a forty

1:07:42

bottle. That's kind of fun arm so yep of

1:07:44

law doesn't have supported. Does.

1:07:47

Can read so sucked up on

1:07:49

why. We're on

1:07:51

different levels of it. First letter

1:07:53

the our discovery find. it is

1:07:56

our ads I was up on

1:07:58

last night preparing. Very nice

1:08:00

which is taking water and putting in the

1:08:02

freezer. Because as you know, I

1:08:05

don't have an ice machine icy and make

1:08:07

it all sides different sides occupied soon. Signing

1:08:09

with Square we have circles with pebbles like

1:08:11

sonic. Have you ever been. Yeah,

1:08:15

read about it. I seem videos you say

1:08:17

when that. I heard

1:08:19

it called suspend our eyes. Hospital

1:08:22

Ice Susan oh that's so

1:08:24

masses say now says is

1:08:26

also amazing eyes it is

1:08:29

oh god my migraines. Ah

1:08:36

lay daw. slavery is oh my

1:08:39

god a good policy or are

1:08:41

thought I'm so happy became oh

1:08:44

my gosh I got a cousin

1:08:46

works over the seven eleven. And.

1:08:49

I see good sir. Oh in

1:08:51

the morning can take another flavors

1:08:53

and actors make pure fucking water

1:08:55

supply sea ice and I got

1:08:57

a whole fucking gallon of man.

1:08:59

Wow! Seen. It can I ask

1:09:02

you first? Second, And

1:09:04

not know that sinking a stranger's must see I

1:09:07

said i see like this. Is what they

1:09:09

were. Have some some as a

1:09:11

comes from seven Eleven decisions on

1:09:13

suicide last mad. and

1:09:17

last time you up brain freeze to see

1:09:20

try to go through the levels of water

1:09:22

to quickly me. Take

1:09:24

every. Level

1:09:27

of water is a comes. Out

1:09:30

says okay let's gather rounds are we're

1:09:32

going to level but we're going to

1:09:34

level one of the side so was

1:09:37

people and see how they other thoughts

1:09:39

go First or not it's that omid

1:09:41

sign this is sober spot oh my

1:09:43

god. Added after we level will mix

1:09:45

with a strong as seat all combine

1:09:47

an answer that will offset. So.

1:09:52

It's a level four. Sigma

1:09:54

have a curfew? I know,

1:09:57

And gas. Nine hours on

1:09:59

my. God, you're going first? I don't

1:10:01

know. Nobody else was going. Nobody

1:10:03

else was going. Okay. I know,

1:10:05

because no one wants to fuck up the first bubble. Go.

1:10:11

Who's that? I've never seen

1:10:13

her before. She must

1:10:15

be noticed out. We

1:10:18

don't use sparkling water, so you know. I

1:10:22

know. I was gonna use, I

1:10:24

know that. I was gonna start with Evian. Oh.

1:10:28

Nice choice. Okay,

1:10:31

I'm gonna do a beach level. Evian's

1:10:33

a great person. Thank you.

1:10:36

Okay. I'm

1:10:38

gonna start with a slushy

1:10:41

ice. Wow.

1:10:44

A thick ice on the bottom. On top of

1:10:47

Evian? Is that? And

1:10:49

then I'm gonna go with

1:10:52

dehydrated Boba Pops. What?

1:10:56

What? Okay.

1:10:59

Start the level. We

1:11:03

see her five levels in. I've

1:11:06

never seen someone level this high. This

1:11:09

is more level. Amazing. Water

1:11:11

shouldn't be able to have this many

1:11:13

levels. We see

1:11:16

the fucked up

1:11:18

biology student from, or

1:11:20

sorry, a teacher from the schools even.

1:11:24

This is impossible. I

1:11:26

can't breathe. Find

1:11:34

another level. You can do it. We

1:11:38

gotta go home. We gotta go home. It's

1:11:40

like an hour past your curfew. I've never

1:11:42

made someone level this hard. I

1:11:44

wanna have whiskey, cuba ice, a big

1:11:47

old square ice on top. One more

1:11:49

level. What are you gonna put

1:11:51

in the square ice? I'm gonna put this in.

1:11:53

A dead goldfish. Dead goldfish in the

1:11:55

middle of the ice. Oh God.

1:11:57

A dead goldfish in the middle of the ice. Oh

1:12:00

God, what flavor? Fish

1:12:03

flavor! Ooooh! human,

1:12:31

I had a good time with

1:12:34

Sebastian here. No

1:12:37

one closer to Billy Joel than this man. I'm glad

1:12:39

I got to ask that question. Do you want to

1:12:41

plug anything Sebastian? Yeah, I have a

1:12:43

podcast. People can check it out. It's called

1:12:45

Loud About Nothing. If you want to check

1:12:48

that out, it's on all podcast platforms, YouTube,

1:12:50

all that. And follow me at

1:12:52

SebastianKanai. YouTube,

1:12:54

you got the visual going too. Yeah,

1:12:57

I do clips. So if you

1:12:59

just want to absorb podcasts through clips, I'm

1:13:01

in the TikTok clip game. Loud About Nothing,

1:13:03

check it out. It's

1:13:05

such an annoying game, but I'm in

1:13:08

it. It's a TikTok clip game. Brett,

1:13:11

we're not in the TikTok clip game.

1:13:13

Am I missing out on that? It's

1:13:17

a pretty good game. Yeah, maybe

1:13:19

we are. I don't know what to do there.

1:13:21

It's tough to put long form improv on there.

1:13:24

Yeah. Okay. People

1:13:26

just like, I like pickle. And everyone goes,

1:13:28

it's true. He likes pickle. People

1:13:32

just want to comment. It's fun. I

1:13:34

like pickles. Maybe I could

1:13:36

do this. Tammy, what would you like to

1:13:38

plug? Life

1:13:44

and Beth, Season 2, Amy

1:13:47

Schumer on Hulu, Michael Cera.

1:13:51

Check it out. February 16th is

1:13:53

going to start airing episodes. That's

1:13:55

great. Oh,

1:13:58

and Tammy and I do. So

1:14:00

that people could stream online, the rap scraps.

1:14:03

Oh yeah, it's been their name. Yeah, they said

1:14:05

New York too. There you go.

1:14:07

If you like long-form improv.

1:14:09

Humans, I would like to come to

1:14:11

your city with Improv for Humans, but

1:14:14

the way we're gonna do that is with

1:14:16

the 40 fan initiative, Brett. If

1:14:19

we can find 40 fans in one city

1:14:22

outside of LA and New York, like

1:14:25

Chicago's already there, so I'm gonna have to book a

1:14:27

date there. But these other

1:14:29

cities, if we can get 40

1:14:31

subscribers to improvforhumans.com, I

1:14:34

will come there and do a show and a workshop. So

1:14:38

Seattle, Portland,

1:14:40

Pittsburgh, name

1:14:42

a city, name an improv city,

1:14:44

humans. Austin's

1:14:47

almost there. Austin. I

1:14:50

expected more from Dallas. Come

1:14:53

on, Dallas. Set it

1:14:55

up, Dallas. Where do I wanna go that

1:14:57

I've never been? I don't think I've ever

1:14:59

been to Tulsa.

1:15:04

Come on, Tulsa. You've

1:15:07

been to Atlanta? You've been to Atlanta. I

1:15:09

have been to Atlanta, but I would like

1:15:11

40 fans in Atlanta. Come on, Atlanta. Denver?

1:15:14

I haven't been there in a while.

1:15:17

Denver, definitely. As I

1:15:19

remember, Denver was in the running.

1:15:21

So Denver, come on. North Carolina's

1:15:24

very pretty. Brett,

1:15:26

if I see like 30 Denver's,

1:15:30

but 10 Boulders, should

1:15:32

I just count it? Boulders

1:15:35

like half hour away.

1:15:37

Yeah. Yeah. See, I might

1:15:39

do that. Boulder.

1:15:43

It's also on the Discord if you're willing to drive,

1:15:45

take that drive. Oh, come on.

1:15:48

That's nothing, I'd be insulted. But

1:15:51

you see what I'm saying here. I'm not

1:15:54

gonna, if it's a lot of Fort Worth,

1:15:57

I'm gonna add that to Dallas. Yes.

1:16:00

I mean the airport already made

1:16:02

that decision. Yes, the St. Paul

1:16:05

That goes with Minneapolis. That's

1:16:10

how fair I'm gonna be because we got a lot to

1:16:12

offer on improper humans only $40 per year you

1:16:15

got to look at what we got there Brett and keep

1:16:19

being human Improvless

1:16:21

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1:16:23

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1:16:25

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