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Our intentions don't always line up with

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our outcomes and misunderstandings

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lead to anger , sadness , frustration

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, conflict . In this episode

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, I will talk about intent versus

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impact which is more important and

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how to effectively and ethically

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communicate your intentions . Hello

0:18

, I'm Sarah Micatel , your Communication and

0:20

Mindset Coach and Enneagram 9xBat

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, living in England as well as practicing

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stoic Now . When I was

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little , I saw my dad

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spray paint some furniture outside

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and then later that week I saw

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those spray paint cans in our basement

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where my friends and I were riding around

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on tricycles and roller skates and

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somebody maybe me put two and two together

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and thought we should paint our

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bikes . So the four of us

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, including my little sister , we

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opened up the cellar door and rolled

0:51

our bikes into the front yard and this

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was secluded by trees . People weren't really

0:55

seeing what we were doing , who were driving by , and

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this was the 80s , when parents were still allowed

1:00

to have lives , so they weren't around

1:03

when we were spraying spray painting

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red , white and blue all over the place

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, streaking the air , streaking the grass . I

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have a hazy memory of the reality

1:12

of this painting , not matching up

1:14

with the transformation

1:17

that I had in my head of these bikes , but still

1:19

this felt like art . We were taking

1:21

color to the next level , we were improving

1:23

the product and I imagined

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my parents saying wow , wow

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, you did that , can

1:30

you do my car as well ? And

1:33

for good measure . I spray painted this

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metal rod that was supporting a telephone

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pole in our yard and

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then we decided to parade our

1:41

bikes into the backyard . We knocked

1:44

on the kitchen door and jumped around

1:46

smiling and excited until we

1:48

saw our parents' faces . They

1:50

were not pleased with their paint

1:53

job and they also had company over

1:55

, so I'm guessing they were embarrassed

1:57

as well as angry with

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us , and I was a shy

2:01

people pleaser as a kid . So my afternoon

2:04

of juvenile delinquency must

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have added to the shock for my parents , who

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are good people and might

2:11

have a more laid-back reaction if

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my five-year-old nephew did something like this

2:15

today . Most likely my

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parents don't even remember this incident

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, but I do . I remember

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how out of alignment their reactions

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were to my intentions

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. I thought that they would be thrilled

2:28

when they saw our spray painted bikes , but

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the answer is no . Was I wrong to

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do what I did , or did my intention

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to create something beautiful count for something

2:37

? In recent

2:40

decades it's become very common to hear

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it doesn't matter what your intent was

2:44

. It's how you made me feel

2:46

this is not a wise

2:48

idea to hang on to . Intentions

2:51

do matter way more than the outcome

2:53

of what happens , according to the ancient

2:55

Stoics , because while we

2:57

can influence outcomes , they

2:59

are not entirely in our control , so

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not always the best measure of our character

3:04

. For the Stoics , our moral

3:06

worth is based on good intentions

3:09

and the effort we make , which is entirely

3:11

up to us . Your intentions

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reveal what kind of person

3:16

you are . If we want to enjoy

3:18

healthy relationships and also to

3:20

think rationally , so that life

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doesn't drive us insane , we need

3:24

to keep our minds open to other perspectives

3:27

, to listen to people and to forgive

3:29

or apologize . Becky

3:32

is jealous of her popular colleague , emily

3:34

, who is giving a very important presentation

3:37

. The next day . Emily has spent weeks

3:39

on this content and Becky

3:42

encourages her to take a break

3:44

. And as soon as Emily leaves to buy a sandwich

3:46

, becky hops on her computer . She

3:48

finds Emily's slide deck and she permanently

3:51

deletes it . And when Emily

3:53

comes back she's a little confused

3:55

about where her file has gone . But thankfully

3:58

she has also saved her slide deck in the cloud

4:00

and she downloads it without any

4:02

problems . And the next day Emily

4:04

gives a fantastic presentation

4:07

and she doesn't even know that Becky

4:09

tried to sabotage her . So

4:11

is Becky guilty of something , even

4:14

though her plan failed and

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Emily didn't suffer ? A consequentialist

4:18

who says it's the outcome that matters would

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say no , because Emily wasn't harmed

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. The law might say otherwise , because

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Becky accessed equipment that

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wasn't hers and she tried to delete company

4:29

property . Stoics would say that Becky is

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guilty of living an unethical life and

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of harming herself . Her vicious thoughts

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and actions reveal the quality

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of her character . The fact that

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Emily didn't lose her presentation

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doesn't absolve Becky of wrongdoing

4:45

. Why you do what you do

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and the effort you put in to do it says

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more about you than the outcome . In

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Becky's mind . She probably wasn't even

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thinking about her intentions at all . But

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thinking punishing thoughts like �Emily

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doesn't deserve to be liked so much more than me� . But

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if Becky had taken a step back and

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actually considered her intentions

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and what they reveal about her identity

5:08

, she may have re-evaluated

5:10

her plans If she considered

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the intention . My intent is to harm

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Emily . I'm the kind of person

5:17

who harms people . This sounds like

5:19

a miserable life . So what is the end

5:21

goal here ? To become popular like Emily

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. Is acting like this going to get

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you there and why do you want to be popular

5:28

, becky ? Is it because you want more

5:30

friends ? Becoming a friend worthy

5:33

is much more likely to help Becky

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make friends than scheming . Marcus

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Aurelius wrote �Such as your

5:41

habitual thoughts , such also

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will be the character of your mind

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, for the soul is dyed by

5:47

the thoughts� . In other words

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, the thoughts that you allow in

5:51

your mind influence your

5:53

character and the color of your

5:55

soul . You are the accumulation

5:58

of your thoughts and your actions

6:00

. That's thoughts and

6:02

actions . It's not enough

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to intend to be a good colleague

6:07

, partner , friend or whatever

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role is yours to play . Our

6:12

actions need to back up these intentions

6:14

. Consider the consequences

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of what you do or don't do

6:18

when you're making decisions and follow

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through on good intentions . What

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do you want out of life ? What do you

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want right now ? Who

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do you have to be to get this ? You've

6:30

heard of to-do list . What's your to-be

6:33

list ? Who do you want to become

6:35

? Name your intent and

6:38

the identity associated with it

6:40

. This will help you see things more

6:42

rationally so you can make better

6:44

decisions . Pam is a

6:46

project manager and a client has just sent

6:48

in some last-minute changes . Pam

6:51

wants to let her colleagues know , so she

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sends them an email saying �Hi

6:55

, team , some last-minute changes have come through

6:57

. Please prioritize these so we

6:59

can make the deadline . We need everyone's undivided

7:01

attention this week , so please adjust

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your schedules accordingly . Thank you so

7:05

much , pam� . Harry , one of

7:07

the team members thinks Pam is implying

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that they don't usually give their full

7:12

attention to the project . He shares

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his feelings with some coworkers and now

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they feel undervalued because of Pam's

7:19

message . Harry goes to Pam

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and he tells her �We work really hard

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. And now we wonder if you're seeing

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that , based on your message� , harry's

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reaction really surprises Pam . She had

7:30

intended to be helpful by sharing the

7:33

client changes right away In

7:35

her mind . Her message had a �We

7:37

are all in this together feel� . So

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she is offended that Harry was offended

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. Why was Harry assuming the worst in her

7:44

? Before we talk about how to resolve this

7:46

, I will say that Pam's company should coach

7:48

its employees to assume positive

7:50

intent , to reflect before they react

7:53

and to be more emotionally resilient

7:55

. And if you would like help with this kind of stoic

7:57

communication and well-being training , please

7:59

get in touch . I love doing this kind of work

8:02

, sarahmycatelcom . Back

8:04

to Harry and Pam . So why might

8:06

Harry be under the impression that Pam

8:08

wanted to insult him . Several

8:10

factors could be at play here Temperament

8:13

Some people are just naturally

8:16

wired to be more distrustful and stressed

8:18

. Experience Harry

8:20

may have a history of overly

8:22

critical colleagues and bosses . And

8:25

also situation Harry

8:27

may feel under tremendous pressure

8:29

right now in his role , maybe in

8:31

his family life . And there is also

8:34

something called the fundamental

8:36

attribution error . Attribution

8:39

theory says that we attribute

8:41

people's behavior to internal factors

8:44

, such as intentions what we're talking

8:46

about today and also external factors

8:48

, and that's things like traffic , things

8:50

that are outside of our control . However , we

8:52

often attribute other people's behavior

8:55

to internal circumstances and

8:57

our own behavior to external

8:59

circumstances . So he's

9:01

late because he's lazy , but

9:03

I'm late because my train was delayed

9:06

. That is the fundamental attribution

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error . There is also theory

9:10

of mind , and this is our ability

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to understand that we all have different

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perspectives , different intentions

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, values , etc . We

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can't read each other's minds , but we

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often forget this and assume

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that if someone offends us , they

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intended to offend us . They must

9:27

be thinking just like us and they know

9:29

what's going to make us mad . And then we

9:31

make the fundamental attribution error . We

9:33

assume somebody made us mad because

9:35

they're a bad person , instead of considering

9:38

what might be going on in their life , whether

9:40

they actually intended to hurt us or

9:43

whether we are wrong , and they didn't say

9:45

anything offensive at all . Of

9:47

course the Stoics say we need to take a step

9:50

back and realize that a lot

9:52

of our first impressions of a situation

9:54

are false impressions . Having

9:56

said that , if your good intentions have unintended

9:59

negative consequences , accept

10:01

what happened and remedy the situation

10:03

. When Harry comes to her , pam

10:05

feels defensive , but she wisely

10:08

reflects before she responds . Okay

10:11

, what is my role here ? Who

10:14

do I want to show up ? As she

10:16

decides . She wants to show up as a

10:18

caring and competent leader of this

10:20

project . She says to herself I

10:23

value clear communication and

10:25

being open to ideas and suggestions

10:27

. So Pam sets the intention to listen

10:30

to Harry with an open mind . She appreciates

10:33

that he came to her instead of stewing negative emotions

10:36

by himself , and she considers

10:38

her role in this misunderstanding

10:41

. Pam decides that the wisest

10:43

course of action is to address the situation

10:46

in the team meeting . So at the

10:48

beginning of the meeting she says Hi

10:50

everyone . It's important that I clear something

10:52

up . My email from earlier today

10:54

came across to some as questioning

10:56

your dedication . I didn't intend

10:58

for this tone of voice at all . I know

11:00

how hard you work and I am just so

11:03

grateful for each and every one

11:05

of you . My goal with that email

11:07

was simply to alert you to changes

11:09

and to say all hands on deck , we

11:12

are in this together and I value each

11:14

and every one of you . Cultivate

11:18

thoughts that reflect the kind of person

11:20

you want to be . Wisdom comes

11:23

from learning from mistakes and adjusting

11:25

your actions in the future . Pam

11:28

could have said you are all a bunch

11:30

of babies Grow up , we are under a tight

11:32

deadline and you're whining about an email as

11:34

making our situation worse , but

11:37

what outcome would that have resulted in ? What

11:39

intention would she have been speaking from

11:42

? That wouldn't have helped anyone , including

11:44

herself . Instead of reacting out of

11:46

emotion , pam showed up as a leader

11:48

. She tried to see things from

11:51

the other side . She listened , she

11:53

clarified her intentions and

11:55

she restored harmony to the team , and

11:58

now she knows how to more effectively

12:01

communicate with them next time . Responding

12:03

this way is like taking care of the environment

12:05

. It is the right thing to do and

12:07

it also just makes good business sense . After

12:10

this conversation , pam and her colleagues

12:13

literally felt much better

12:15

. Science suggests that

12:17

the way we perceive someone's

12:20

intentions has an effect

12:22

on our physical experience

12:24

. There is a study called the

12:26

power of good intentions . Perceived

12:29

benevolence soothes pain , increases

12:31

pleasure and improves taste

12:34

, and they wanted to see if

12:36

what we think about a person's intentions

12:39

can alter our perceptions of

12:41

pleasure and pain . In

12:43

one of their studies , participants

12:45

received electric shocks and

12:47

they thought that they were receiving these shocks

12:50

either by mistake , by

12:52

a mean person on purpose , or

12:55

by someone with good intentions who was shocking

12:58

them so they had a chance to win a prize

13:00

. Participants felt the

13:02

most pain from the shocks when they

13:04

thought the intent was malicious the

13:06

person was trying to hurt them . They

13:08

felt the least amount of pain from the

13:11

benevolent shockers . Those were the people

13:13

who were trying to help them win money . When

13:15

we think somebody's being malicious , we

13:18

feel worse , but if we think they've

13:20

got our best interests at heart , the same

13:22

circumstance can feel better . This

13:24

comes in especially handy

13:26

when giving somebody constructive feedback

13:29

at work . Taylor hired a junior

13:31

employee named Jordan who has just given

13:33

his first presentation . Jordan

13:35

left out some important data and his slides

13:38

didn't follow brand guidelines . Taylor

13:40

wants to give Jordan feedback without discouraging

13:43

him . Now the key

13:45

is to frame positive intent

13:47

. If Taylor doesn't frame his good intentions

13:50

or consider his words beforehand

13:52

, the conversation risks going

13:54

something like this Jordan , you forgot

13:56

to include the data we needed in your presentation

13:59

and the formatting was wrong . Did no

14:01

one tell you how we usually present ? And

14:04

then Jordan might respond oh , I spent

14:06

hours on that presentation . I wanted

14:08

to share something new . Did you hate

14:10

all of it ? Alternatively , taylor

14:12

can emphasize the purpose of the conversation

14:14

beforehand , which is to help Jordan

14:17

. So Taylor could say Jordan

14:19

, first off , I loved your enthusiasm that

14:21

you brought to your presentation . I can tell that

14:23

you really care about your work and

14:25

you have been such a valuable

14:27

addition to the team . May I

14:29

share some guidance to help improve your next

14:31

presentation ? And Jordan will

14:33

probably say sure , we have certain branding

14:36

that we use . I'm sorry if nobody told you , but

14:38

our slides need to adhere to that . I

14:40

also noticed that some key data from

14:42

operations was missing . In

14:44

response , jordan might say something like oh

14:46

, I am so sorry that I forgot to include the operation

14:48

slide . That won't happen again . As

14:51

for the format , I was trying something new , but

14:53

I understand if there's a standard deck to follow

14:55

. That actually makes my life a lot easier . By

14:58

setting the tone and being clear on intentions

15:00

, taylor and Jordan can have a much

15:02

more productive conversation focused

15:05

on Jordan's growth . To sum all

15:07

of this up clean up your intentions before

15:09

you communicate and your life is going to flow

15:11

a lot more smoothly . This

15:13

is the solution to half of life's

15:15

problems . You want the message

15:18

people receive to be as close as

15:20

possible to what you intended to say

15:22

, but , as you know , a lot gets

15:24

lost in translation . People

15:27

make fundamental attribution errors

15:29

. They filter our words through their own personality

15:32

, their experience , their present situation

15:34

. They forget that we can't read their

15:36

minds . Ideally

15:38

, intentions lead to positive

15:40

outcomes and socially , this builds

15:42

trust between people . On the flip

15:44

side , when you don't do what you

15:47

say you're going to do or your actions

15:49

have unintended consequences , relationships

15:52

can really suffer . When you

15:54

are communicating with people , consider

15:56

how your message could be received

15:59

and adjust to have the impact

16:01

you want . Before you speak , ask

16:03

yourself what your intention is

16:05

and what outcome you're seeking

16:08

. Does this line up with your values

16:10

and who you want to be ? Are

16:12

your intentions having the impact that you

16:14

want ? Are your actions aligned

16:17

with what you say is important to you

16:19

? This is what I love coaching

16:21

people on , if you would like to feel

16:23

and to also be seen as somebody who

16:25

communicates with clarity , with confidence

16:27

, with good intention . Go to

16:29

sarahmygatellcom and book

16:32

a free conversation with me . Together

16:34

we can elevate your speaking style so

16:36

you can have the influence and impact you

16:38

want . In the words of Lao Zhu

16:40

watch your thoughts , they

16:43

become your words . Watch

16:45

your words , they become your actions

16:47

. Watch your actions , they

16:50

become your habits . Watch

16:52

your habits they become

16:54

your character . Watch

16:57

your character , it becomes

16:59

your destiny .