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This is the Inner Rebel podcast

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.

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Hey listeners , Right after Jill left

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the recording session , Melissa and I found ourselves

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in another deep and intimate

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conversation , and so we decided

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to press record again and share the

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rest with you . Here is our talk

0:30

after our conversation with Jill

0:32

. I think what I'm conscious of the

0:35

hard part for me is that , you know

0:37

, I haven't met the person yet . It doesn't mean it

0:39

has to be with a person , but I would like

0:41

it to be . I haven't met that person

0:43

yet and I'm aware of the timeline

0:45

in my head of I don't want to rush

0:48

a relationship . I don't want to rush to

0:50

be like , okay , great , Any year from now we're going

0:52

to start trying . I don't want that . I

0:54

want to have time with whoever it is , to get to know them

0:56

and be sure that that is the person I would want

0:58

to do that with . And

1:01

that already pushes it

1:03

forward by a while

1:05

. Like I don't know who it's going to be . I don't know how

1:08

long it's going to take it might not take

1:10

that much time , but I don't know and

1:12

I want to be really sure that I'm doing it with the right person

1:14

. So I just feel conscious

1:16

of that . It's just an awareness that I have

1:18

. I just don't know where my body is going to be . I

1:21

just don't know . There's so many unknowns that are just built

1:23

into it . I'm not going to be the person

1:25

that says , well , this is never going to happen for me . I

1:27

don't believe that at all . But also

1:29

, can I be at peace with the fact that it may

1:32

not happen ? Can I be okay with that ? Can

1:34

I be okay that so much

1:36

of my life up to this point has not actually

1:38

turned out to be exactly how

1:41

I envisioned it ? I mean , it's

1:43

more expansive in a way than I ever thought

1:45

it could be right . In another way it's even

1:47

better than I could have envisioned it . But there

1:49

are certain dreams in

1:51

my heart that I haven't been able to fully

1:53

let go of yet . And it does

1:55

cause pain and it does

1:57

make it tricky to know how to navigate it , and

2:00

I certainly am not one to settle . But

2:02

I can understand the temptation that

2:04

women have .

2:05

Yeah , yeah . Well

2:08

, it's so interesting too . The biological clock is real for everyone

2:10

. I have one kid and there was something weird that

2:12

clicked inside of me when I was 40 , turned 40 this

2:14

year , and I was like , what if I end up wanting it and now

2:16

I can't do it anymore and I waited too long

2:18

? What if we do want it ? What if we end up wanting another one and

2:20

it's too late and that we should have done

2:22

it ? You know , the idea that the choice can be taken away

2:24

from you is very scary . Yeah , I

2:27

think that's it For all moms

2:29

and every mom I know . They grieve

2:31

the aging process in the 40s

2:33

. Even if they feel complete , there's

2:35

still a grieving process of my

2:38

body is done with this phase or

2:40

the ability to have this choice , and there's a

2:42

lot of grieving whether you never have

2:44

a kid , whether your path to motherhood

2:47

is unconventional , whether you have one kid , whether

2:49

you have two kids . It's just something about being a woman

2:51

and transitioning out

2:53

, of being able to be child wearing

2:55

, and it's very real from so many women

2:57

.

2:58

Yeah .

2:59

But what was coming to me is what if you're going to like meet a man with

3:01

babies or something ?

3:02

I mean maybe , who knows ? I'm open

3:04

and also I've always

3:07

felt like a mom . There's so many parts

3:09

to me that have been so clear to me that

3:11

the fact that they have not manifested

3:13

and that my life took the turn that it did

3:15

has been very perplexing to me , because

3:17

I feel so naturally that's

3:20

what I'm meant to do . I

3:22

love kids so much . I am just such

3:24

a natural nurturer . I

3:26

love family . These are all things that are at

3:28

the core of my being . I'm a cancer . I

3:30

mean it's just at the core of who I am

3:32

. So maybe I was really

3:35

not meant to do it with the person that I married

3:37

. Clearly I wasn't . And this

3:39

is all happening for me so I can align

3:41

with the person I am meant to do it with or

3:43

in the way I'm meant to do it . I'm open

3:46

to that . But I think there

3:48

is some truth , or I guess where

3:50

the practicality or the realism comes in

3:52

is I have to look at life

3:54

how it is and not

3:56

interpret it to mean all kinds of different

3:59

things . What does that mean for me

4:01

? That doesn't mean it'll never happen , but can

4:03

I be at peace with every

4:05

possibility ? Can I be so comfortable

4:08

in the unknown and so comfortable

4:10

in that uncertainty , so surrender

4:12

, and so trusting that

4:15

every version of it is going to

4:17

be okay . I can hold the

4:19

vision for what I really , really want . But no

4:21

and maybe this is the letting go piece she was talking about

4:24

but no , also that I

4:26

will be okay no matter what

4:28

, no matter what happens , no matter what

4:30

comes my way . I have the capacity

4:32

to meet that moment and make the best

4:34

of it .

4:35

Yeah , I think that's it . You will

4:37

get to okay , like what's happened

4:39

in your marriage . Obviously you couldn't

4:41

have predicted or wanted

4:43

to happen , but you're learning that

4:46

you will be okay .

4:47

Yeah , this lesson came directly

4:50

for me because I was a person who really

4:52

put so much on my

4:54

dreams in a way that

4:56

I truly felt , if it doesn't

4:58

happen the way that I think it's supposed to happen

5:01

, I will not be okay , Like

5:03

I'd rather die . I

5:05

was that person , and not just

5:08

with , not really around family . That

5:10

was always like I wanted it , but I also was in a relationship

5:12

and assumed that that was going to happen at some point . But

5:15

around other aspects of my life , you

5:17

know , in the first conversation we had , we talked about

5:19

how Tracy worded the dismantling

5:21

, everything that fell away , all of these identity

5:24

pieces were all things that I thought if they fall

5:26

away , I will not survive . And

5:28

so here I am

5:30

Surviving . I

5:33

think it has made me a little bit nervous

5:35

to get too attached you know , a little

5:37

bit nervous to get too overly

5:40

identified with it going one

5:42

way and I just

5:44

try very hard to be present

5:46

and open .

5:48

And I think there's a difference of knowing

5:50

I'll be okay no matter what and

5:53

preparing myself for every

5:55

possible outcome , you know , because you

5:57

could really easily get into doomsday

5:59

and I don't know that we can proactively

6:01

be okay with every option

6:04

. You know , I think there is a there's

6:07

a level of surrender and acceptance that happens

6:09

when you go through it . But I

6:11

just teeter on preparing for the worst

6:13

.

6:14

I think what we were talking about earlier in the conversation

6:17

about going into the darkness

6:19

and meeting these different parts of yourself and

6:21

having compassion and love

6:23

and being neutral

6:25

in all of it , not interpreting anything through

6:27

the lens of good or bad , right that if you feel

6:29

whole and solid in yourself

6:31

, then you know you have the capacity

6:34

to meet whatever comes and

6:36

be okay . That's all . I mean that

6:39

I know that I am resilient

6:42

and I have trusted myself

6:44

and that I have

6:47

the capacity at this point , after

6:49

living through everything I've lived through , that no

6:51

matter what version of events happens

6:53

, I can't predict it . It's not about predicting

6:55

all the different scenarios , it's just I

6:58

have literally no idea what's going

7:00

to happen . I just don't know . None

7:02

of us do . That's life

7:04

. None of us know , even when we think

7:06

we have all these secure measures in place , none

7:09

of us have a clue what's

7:11

actually going to happen . So can we all

7:13

feel okay and

7:15

strong and solid in ourselves , whole

7:17

in ourselves , to know , no matter what comes

7:19

down the road , that we

7:22

are going to be okay and know

7:24

how to meet that moment and survive

7:26

it and maybe even thrive ?

7:27

through it . Drop my actual mic , drop my actual

7:30

mic . Drop , yeah , but

7:32

that's the whole

7:34

point , right

7:36

, that's the whole point and that was basically the essence of Jill's

7:39

conversation . Right , the safety's on the inside

7:41

, the safety's not on the outside , and I

7:43

always talk about being the eye of the storm , like

7:45

the storm will go on , right

7:48

, life will be unpredictable . Things will happen . I

7:50

mean , it's recently . This has not

7:52

happened in my immediate circle

7:54

, but my best friend from college , her husband's

7:56

best , best , best , best , best friend , died of

7:59

esophageal cancer at 35 . I don't

8:02

know , less than a year after getting married they

8:04

went to residency together as a doctor . He

8:07

was a professional Iron

8:09

man athlete , competing as of the summer

8:11

diagnosis to death like six months

8:13

. My other dear friend , my husband's

8:15

best friend's wife , her very

8:17

best friend from college , died at 40

8:20

something to young kids , eight-year

8:22

battle of cancer . Like in the same week they both

8:24

died . And those are all those moments that remind

8:27

you . None of this is guaranteed , none

8:29

of this is certain . I don't want to live in fear

8:31

of that , but I also I'm not gonna wait to live

8:33

because of some made-up

8:36

timeline that will . We have to do all

8:38

these certain things first before we Can retire

8:40

and then live our lives .

8:41

It's like it should , in a sense , give

8:43

us more freedom and more permission

8:45

. Right , because if we

8:48

are putting all of these measures in place

8:50

and you know we're so Attached

8:53

to this idea of safety and security we don't

8:55

want to leave our comfort zones because we're afraid

8:57

of what might happen . But it's like

8:59

you said , you , the jobs that you've been having , these secure

9:01

jobs that happen to to my ex-two . We'd be

9:04

at a desk job and the whole company would go down , and

9:06

then when he actually found his passion and this very

9:08

Unreliable industry , he thrived

9:10

and it went really well for him . The fact

9:12

that we cannot control any

9:14

of it means to me that

9:17

you might as well go and do the thing you really

9:19

want to do and hope for the best , because

9:21

even if you don't do it , if you deny yourself your

9:24

truth , your passion , the thing you really want to

9:26

go out and do something else might come along

9:29

right and Blow it all up

9:31

too . So you might as well do

9:33

the thing you really want to do .

9:35

Yeah , yeah , and yeah , that's

9:39

like I know I

9:41

love it . I mean , obviously I love it . That's why I

9:43

hope people actualize their visions for a living

9:46

, because if there's even a glimmer

9:48

of an idea in

9:50

your body , I'm like , yeah , let's

9:52

bring it out . If there's a glimmer

9:54

of anything in your body , yeah

9:57

, and you're at least willing to say it to

9:59

me , I'm like we're gonna do this . Okay

10:01

, I know , you know that , right , we're not fucking

10:04

around , we're not waiting . I get that there's

10:06

timing and I get that there's reality . But

10:08

also , so much of it is a choice , it's

10:10

a decision . There's no perfect

10:13

time in life to decide to , in a

10:15

sense , flip your life upside down on

10:17

purpose . There's never a great time for

10:19

that right , but there's a great time

10:21

to decide that you're no longer

10:23

going to settle , that you're no longer gonna shove

10:25

that dream , that voice , down inside of you . I'm

10:28

equally passionate as you are , but

10:37

it is . It's like I . I mean I literally .

10:39

That's why I say it's my favorite conversation when somebody

10:41

says to me I have an idea , I have this vision

10:43

, I have this thing that I've been

10:45

thinking about , and I'm like , okay

10:47

, you know , and Jill also said

10:50

, which I really appreciate that we also

10:52

don't know that the journey itself

10:54

Might be exactly

10:56

the point , that maybe it is

10:58

the point yeah , it is

11:00

the point , but but it is the point . People

11:03

don't want to start something until they know what

11:05

the results are gonna be , and that's just not

11:07

life period but we

11:10

don't know that that vision

11:12

is taking us down a path that

11:14

is going to help us meet ourselves , and

11:18

it doesn't actually matter what happens on the other end

11:20

of it .

11:21

And you know , it's interesting because I didn't know

11:23

that . I have a quote , and I think it was in this

11:25

talk that I did my journey out of corporate ended up being a journey into

11:28

myself , and I

11:31

had no idea that that was the journey

11:33

I was on , nor did I actually realize

11:35

that that was the journey I was guiding people on when

11:38

I started to do my mastermind and I was like , oh , this

11:42

is nothing . I mean . The thing is that the vehicle

11:44

, the place to put your

11:47

desires and your work , the point

11:49

of all of this is the

11:51

becoming yeah , it's you

11:53

, it's the CEO school for

11:56

your life , of you learning to be

11:58

your sovereign , offended self and

12:00

make choices from a totally different

12:02

place than you've been making them . Yeah , that's

12:05

the point . You . Building a widget

12:07

has never been the point . Right , it's

12:09

not , but we think that it is . That's

12:12

why I , even for a long time , I was like do I even call

12:14

myself a business coach ? But it's the thing

12:16

that gets the person to say

12:18

yes to going on a different kind

12:20

of a journey . They don't

12:22

know what they're searching for , but they will

12:24

think that they're searching , which I was the same way

12:27

, I think I'm searching for this thing , but

12:29

what I'm actually getting is this , and this is exactly what

12:31

I needed . Yeah , it's the surprising

12:33

thing that you didn't know you needed . Yeah

12:35

, well , was you ? It's

12:38

you . You're the thing you didn't know you needed .

12:39

You are the thing you didn't know you needed . I'm

12:42

glad we had this talk . Hey

12:53

there , rebels . If you enjoyed this podcast

12:55

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