0:05

This is the Inner Rebel podcast

0:07

.

0:34

I'm excited .

0:55

I'm excited because I get to see you and I don't

0:57

get to see you enough . I'm

1:02

so lucky to be able to see you . I'm

1:07

so grateful that you're

1:09

joining us . It's

1:13

very difficult to summarize

1:16

Kaylee in a bio , but I'm going to try

1:18

. I'm

1:38

so excited . She

1:45

founded the indie folk music project and movement

1:47

KPH in the Canary Collective , which seeks

1:50

to use music as a storytelling and community

1:52

organizing tool as a call to action

1:54

for climate and healthcare justice . She

1:57

also dreamt and co-organized the virtual

1:59

music and arts festival , BedFest 2017

2:01

, which featured art and performances from hundreds

2:04

of other bedridden artists from around the world

2:06

, and co-founded a series called Sick

2:08

Women and Queer Shows that used music

2:10

, poetry and performance to raise awareness

2:12

about the need for affordable and accessible healthcare , housing

2:15

, clean air and water for everyone . I

2:18

know this keeps going , but there is no limit

2:20

to Kaylee's accomplishments . I

2:22

just also want to mention her music . Her latest

2:25

album , the Five in Three , was recorded while

2:27

quarantining in a hundred days of solitude

2:29

in a trailer in the Joshua Tree desert at

2:31

the start of the pandemic , and she hopes

2:34

to continue to use her music and her unique

2:36

performance style as a tool of encouraging

2:38

dialogue around healing our bodies

2:40

and healing the ecosystems on

2:43

this planet .

2:44

Whoa Kaylee , and

2:46

she did our music for the podcast . She

2:49

did our music for the podcast , so our intro

2:51

and outro is done by Kaylee , so

2:54

also a special thing that we get to have

2:56

, we're so lucky .

2:57

Thank you for being here . I

3:00

love you so , so much . I

3:02

know I've already talked so much , but

3:04

I would like to share with our listeners how we met . How

3:08

did we meet ? So Kaylee just

3:10

walked into my life . She

3:12

literally just walked through the front door of my house . One day I

3:15

had a friend . Call me Random .

3:18

Sounds creepy in a way . I know Just

3:21

off the street . She was looking through my

3:23

windows at night and then she entered

3:25

. Not like that . That was the best thing that ever happened

3:27

to me .

3:28

We have a mutual friend and that friend

3:30

called me and asked if I wanted to do . I think

3:33

it was an eclipse circle , because this is

3:35

Los Angeles , you do eclipse circles and

3:37

of course I said yes , because that is what

3:39

one does in Los Angeles , and

3:42

the place that I was staying at at the time just happened

3:44

to be this really big , nice house that I had

3:46

all to myself . So it made sense for me

3:48

to host and Kaylee was brought over

3:50

and she was invited in and we had this really

3:53

incredible night . It was four

3:55

of us and it felt like there was this instant

3:58

connection . My memory is almost

4:00

as though it was like sitting around a fire , even

4:02

though it was my living room , and

4:04

it just felt very intimate . We were

4:06

sharing really , really deep parts of

4:09

our souls . We did this ceremony

4:11

for a relationship that was ending for

4:13

me at the time , so it was really beautiful and

4:15

I didn't know Kaylee really at all except

4:17

for that night and days later reached out

4:19

and she needed a place to stay for the night . And

4:22

what you're going to learn about as we talk with Kaylee

4:24

is that she has some health issues

4:26

and that means that she can't stay in certain

4:28

environments that might be moldy or dusty

4:31

or make her sick , and so the

4:33

place that I was in just happened to be the

4:35

right kind of place . So she reached out and

4:37

asked if she could stay with me and I've

4:39

mentioned this to you before because I don't

4:41

think that would be an easy thing to do

4:43

. I think reaching out to someone

4:45

that you don't know and saying , do

4:47

you mind if I stay with you for an evening

4:49

might be really uncomfortable for some people and it

4:51

may have been really uncomfortable for you to do , but

4:54

the reason that I bring it up is that

4:56

was one of the greatest gifts

4:59

of my life and I just

5:01

want to share that . For

5:03

anyone who's like maybe I'm too much

5:05

or maybe it's too much to ask somebody , I'm

5:08

telling you that her asking

5:10

for that favor opened up my life

5:13

to one of the greatest friendships

5:15

I've ever experienced , and

5:17

Kaylee came that night . We had such a

5:19

good time and my life has been

5:21

different ever since . So

5:24

thank you , I love you and thank you for

5:26

being here with us today .

5:28

Yeah , I love you too , and that's the kind

5:30

of person Jessica Rose is , who thanks

5:33

someone else for

5:36

letting her host

5:38

and give a safe place to

5:40

stay .

5:41

If that someone else is .

5:42

Kaylee Pruitt-Hamm , for sure yeah you

5:44

just knew and I want to echo

5:47

the last piece that you said about

5:49

for our guests that if you

5:51

feel scared to make a request or ask

5:53

or put yourself out there , I

5:56

will echo that a majority

5:58

of my most precious relationships

6:01

are because of that , because

6:03

of like a weird fangirl

6:05

moment where I might have reached out and been like , hey

6:08

, I really want to connect with you , or even

6:10

asking you to do a podcast was

6:12

probably really weird given the nature of our

6:14

relationship , and that is where so much

6:16

magic happens when you decide

6:18

to get out of your comfort zone and say

6:20

the thing that's in your heart and make the request and

6:22

put yourself at the risk of a no . But what

6:25

do you miss ? Like a lifelong friendship like this

6:27

Right , the pros

6:29

often way outweigh the con . So

6:31

I just wanted to echo that that it's like such a beautiful

6:33

way to be in the world .

6:35

Thank you . It has been

6:37

one of the most important , significant

6:40

, life changing friendships of my life as well

6:43

. I am so glad that my

6:45

past self pushed past her

6:47

fear of being too much or a burden

6:49

to walk off the

6:52

street . I actually shouldn't joke

6:54

, because I was quite literally living

6:56

in my van at the time

6:58

due to disability and environmental

7:01

illness and housing insecurity

7:03

. A lot of people are actually

7:05

really in a housing crisis right now , but

7:08

I am so , so lucky

7:10

and privileged that I've had a

7:12

community safety net , including

7:15

you , and also , I

7:17

mean that was the best eclipse ever

7:19

because it

7:21

just brought the wrong women

7:23

into my life . And then , you know

7:25

, of course , the pandemic happened and

7:27

I had to be way more isolated than

7:30

the average person . I know there was a time

7:32

where we all were isolating , but I'm

7:34

still isolating . It's been

7:36

three years and smiling

7:39

and laughing , three years

7:41

doing great yeah , everything's

7:44

fine , yeah , and we've

7:46

still stayed so well in touch

7:48

. I mean just getting through these tough

7:50

times together and the paradigms

7:53

that you also teach from the

7:55

perspective of human design . I mean you have

7:57

so much more wisdom beyond the

7:59

framework of human design that you offer . I

8:02

mean your gifts are so vast and

8:04

you're using them all on this podcast , but

8:07

that was also very , very game changing

8:09

for me to just hear you drop all

8:11

these wisdom bums

8:13

on me .

8:13

We did that that night that she came to

8:15

stay with me , I gave you , you got us Thai food

8:18

and I gave you a human design rating .

8:19

Yes , yes , and

8:21

you told me all about being a

8:23

projector type and

8:25

making decisions from your splenic

8:28

authority , like being

8:31

someone who tends to have

8:33

a relationship with fear and

8:35

intuitive decision making , and that

8:37

has been so important for me

8:39

to learn about . And then also

8:41

you said things like you should

8:43

never have to convince somebody

8:46

to love you . I did say that . What

8:49

a powerful statement . So , yeah

8:51

, I want to thank you both because your

8:53

podcast has totally

8:55

been getting me through this particularly

8:58

hard chapter

9:00

. I just went through endometriosis surgery

9:03

last month and I

9:05

have been like gripping

9:07

on like a lifeline to your podcast . So

9:10

, you both are the absolute dream

9:12

team for asking meaningful

9:14

questions and just making

9:16

it fun . And I'm

9:18

so glad that you asked me to make the song

9:21

because I was trying to figure out what would

9:23

inner rebels sound like and at first

9:26

I was thinking maybe a rebel had to sound

9:28

like really loud

9:30

and powerful . But

9:32

it was a very interesting exercise , kind

9:35

of letting the song come forth intuitively

9:37

. That's what I've been trying to do more

9:40

of a songwriting from an intuitive place

9:42

and letting it just flow

9:44

through me rather than thinking about what

9:46

I think the song should

9:48

be through my mind . And

9:51

yeah , what came forth was a little bit more

9:53

of like a quiet

9:55

. I have a secret and I'm gently

9:58

powerful and I'm going to

10:00

hum along to these badass

10:03

women who are talking . It's perfect

10:05

, I really perfect , yeah , that

10:07

you asked me to make that song .

10:09

You both are a dream team , thank you so

10:11

much and I love that you've chosen to listen

10:13

. That means a lot . There's a lot that

10:16

I guess is at risk when you choose

10:18

to expose yourself in the way that

10:20

we have . And honestly , I do feel like

10:23

even though I'd really have to work around , this being

10:25

totally true for my whole body , but even

10:27

if no one ever listened I feel like this would

10:29

be a worthy use of

10:31

our time and our energy and our

10:33

friendship to be able to have these conversations

10:36

and make the revelations that we've made within ourselves

10:38

without even having it have the ripple effect . But it's

10:40

100% really wonderful to

10:42

know , like even just you saying that I'm like okay

10:44

, all that's worth it , like we made a difference in one

10:46

, you know yes

10:48

, yes , I am your one listener

10:51

, one fan . We

10:53

have one fan . Welcome to our one

10:55

fan . But I also want to talk . There's a couple of things

10:57

that came up when you were talking . The one is

10:59

the traditional rebel that

11:01

initially you thought it had to be more like overpowering

11:05

loud , like more of a what

11:07

I would in the language of masculine feminine

11:09

, of a really overpowering

11:11

, toxic masculine rebel versus

11:13

a soft rebel which

11:16

is more , I would say , the feminine , and even in

11:18

the creation of the song of you using your intuition

11:21

is a feminine quality and

11:23

finding the softer rebel of I'm actually going

11:25

to turn inward for the answers , and that is my inner

11:27

rebel , that's my act of rebellion and

11:29

it doesn't have to be loud or overpowering

11:32

. It's me actually listening to me and that's

11:34

the rebel . So I love that , even in the creation

11:36

of the song , that that was felt , because

11:39

it's really it's what this is all about .

11:41

Yeah , it's really , really good to be

11:43

challenging our old ideas

11:45

of what is power .

11:48

I think . So , on that

11:50

note , kaylee , because you

11:52

tune into this podcast

11:54

, you know that there is a question that we

11:56

like to start with that we ask our guests , so

11:59

I would like to offer that to

12:01

you . Who are you , and

12:03

how is that different from who you

12:05

thought you were supposed to be ?

12:09

I'm just a random girl who walks into

12:12

people's houses and

12:14

changes their lives . Yeah

12:19

, I . Obviously

12:22

this is always a difficult

12:24

question to answer succinctly

12:26

, but I

12:29

do want to start . I was

12:31

thinking a lot about what a definition

12:33

of a canary is , because

12:35

a lot of people hear my band

12:38

name , kph and the Canary Collective

12:40

, and I assume that they

12:42

know what I'm talking about when I talk about a canary . But

12:45

I'm realizing that maybe I should be more clear

12:47

. So I feel like I'm a canary . I

12:49

feel like society taught me

12:51

to believe that I needed to

12:53

be a coal miner and I actually

12:56

have never said that sentence before but

12:58

yeah , I feel like society taught

13:00

me that I needed to be the one who's like holding

13:02

my vulnerability in a cage and

13:04

like plunging into toxic

13:07

systems and just being like this

13:09

is fine , we're fine , let's keep going . Capitalism

13:13

and white supremacy

13:15

and misogyny and

13:17

ableism all teach us

13:19

to normalize injustices

13:22

every day . And being

13:25

in this toxic mine which

13:27

, up until the 1980s , literally

13:30

a mining practice was to bring

13:32

little yellow canary birds

13:34

in cages right , and

13:36

the miners would do that because

13:38

scientists were like , oh , we have

13:41

this idea , we can do this as a way of keeping

13:43

the miners from passing

13:45

out and dying from toxic

13:47

air , because humans wouldn't

13:50

be able to sense , when

13:52

it's toxic enough air

13:54

that they should go , like

13:56

you won't be able to really feel it until it's

13:58

too late and you pass out . And

14:00

the canaries they not

14:02

only have a smaller body , but their

14:05

superpower is their sensitivity . They

14:07

take in air in secret chambers

14:09

in their lungs , like the same

14:11

thing that gives them the ability to

14:14

fly and sing that

14:16

we appreciate about canaries . That's

14:18

the same thing that makes them extra vulnerable

14:20

. So they're very extra sensitive . They

14:23

have extra clean air , but if

14:25

it's toxic air they take in extra toxins

14:27

. And so when the canaries

14:30

stop singing and when the canaries keel

14:32

over with chronic illness which

14:35

one out of two Americans has

14:37

a chronic illness that is a signal

14:40

to try to get ourselves out

14:42

of this mine before it's too late for

14:44

everyone , for the other 55%

14:47

. And so I feel

14:49

like I want to be very deliberate

14:51

about how important that shift was

14:54

in my life , because I really

14:56

it's very strong the tides

14:58

are very strong to have

15:00

a hard time accepting and

15:02

loving yourself for your sensitivities and your

15:05

vulnerabilities and your quieter

15:07

power . We're taught that

15:09

it's better to be that louder power and

15:12

overpowering , as Melissa

15:15

said , like being in the toxic

15:17

masculine sense of power

15:19

, is like coercion and

15:22

just pushing forward through

15:24

, ignoring our body's signals

15:26

and everything . And

15:28

that being said , I also want to acknowledge

15:30

right now I'm on Koumier land . We

15:33

are in colonized territory

15:36

and my ancestors

15:38

I come from mostly European , like

15:40

Irish , scottish , welsh , french

15:43

descent . And my

15:45

ancestors were Quaker and

15:48

came to the United States in

15:50

the 18th and 19th centuries , like

15:52

wanting to make a different

15:55

kind of society where

15:57

it wasn't as patriarchal

15:59

, like a lot of the Quakers who I

16:01

came from wanted to have a more egalitarian

16:04

society where you didn't have a pastor

16:06

, you didn't like everyone gets to

16:08

just sit in silence and marvel at

16:10

like nature and singing and being

16:12

in harmony together . So it's like

16:14

a part of my history that I'm actually like

16:17

. Okay , I'm glad that I have

16:19

that part of my family history . At

16:21

the same time , there's a lot of accountability

16:24

to be had from people with European descent

16:26

for all of the harms

16:28

that that system has

16:30

caused of colonization and erasure

16:32

of indigenous people here and

16:35

I am currently

16:37

in California , but it's Quoumier

16:40

land and sometimes I live in the

16:42

Seattle area , which is Duwamish land

16:44

. I go by she her

16:46

for now and I feel like

16:48

I'm forgetting something else . It's also

16:50

good I have learned to try to

16:52

give a visual description for people who

16:55

have differently geared bodies

16:57

in terms of eyesight and hearing

16:59

. So I'm wearing overalls

17:01

black overalls with a white t-shirt . I'm

17:04

a white woman with short brown

17:06

hair and I'm currently in a place

17:09

that I'm renting week by week

17:11

with my parents who are

17:13

caring for me after surgery

17:15

. So that's who I am right

17:17

now , in this moment , and I'm

17:19

trying my best to come

17:22

to terms with all of the parts of me that I'm

17:24

excited to grow and

17:26

the parts of me that I've been , like , ashamed

17:28

of . We all have that within us but

17:30

with the kind of work

17:33

that I'm trying to move more into

17:35

as a songwriter and

17:37

I got certified in sound healing

17:39

two years ago that's informed

17:42

in internal family systems

17:44

. So I'm trying to

17:47

recognize that we all have parts of ourselves

17:49

. Like , when you ask you know who are you and who do

17:51

you think you should be , it's not

17:53

about canceling certain

17:55

parts of myself and being like you're over , now

17:58

I'm this new person I

18:00

kind of thought that that was what it was supposed to

18:02

be , to be like , oh , I have fixed

18:05

myself through therapy and now like

18:07

, yeah , the parts of myself

18:09

that I really don't like , that other

18:11

people tend to not like , like the part of me

18:13

that talks too much . I

18:15

want to figure out why I have

18:17

that part of my personality and then extinguish

18:19

her and muffle her

18:21

. But no , it's like understanding

18:24

and having compassion and honoring yourself

18:26

. Like you have casts in

18:29

a musical theater production . Within you , you

18:31

have a cast of characters and

18:33

all of them are playing a very important

18:35

role . All of them , even the villain

18:38

or whatever . She gets her moment

18:40

to shine , she gets the spotlight on her

18:42

, she gets to be seen as

18:44

a heroine for a good five minutes

18:47

, where she just belts it out and she's like this

18:49

is my rage , this is why

18:51

I'm the yurrigus .

18:53

And you get to clap and be like wow

18:55

.

18:56

And so that's kind of the work that I'm trying to

18:58

do .

18:59

It's like rooting for all parts of

19:01

myself , knowing that I contain multitudes .

19:03

It's like the archetypes , like we talk about in

19:05

the somatic movement practice . It's knowing

19:07

that , even though there's some that are predominantly

19:10

more forward in your way of

19:12

being , they're all kind of in there . You

19:14

know , the drama queen is another one . I was thinking

19:16

when you were like the , you know the one that gets

19:18

really big and blows things up and like oh , there's my

19:20

drama queen , welcome to the party , thank you

19:23

for being here . I

19:25

have a question . I know Jess probably is like 700

19:27

. I saw you writing Well done , true

19:30

note pad . So one of the things

19:32

that earlier in your share you were talking

19:34

about the different types of power

19:37

and you talked about quiet

19:39

power and it sounds like that

19:41

is your superpower is

19:43

having a quiet power , even though you

19:45

take big , bold action in the world

19:48

and you're an activist and there's a lot of power

19:50

in that and that's really bold and maybe

19:52

loud in a non-conventional sense

19:54

. But I'm curious when you

19:56

have felt in your power

19:58

, when you have felt that quiet

20:00

power , and I would love to know what that feels

20:03

like for you and when you have felt that .

20:06

That's such a great question . That's

20:08

a yummy , yummy question . Yeah

20:11

, I . The first

20:13

moment that actually came to my mind was

20:16

maybe not the

20:18

type of quiet power that I've

20:20

been introduced to by the

20:22

fabulous teacher of my

20:24

body and my illness . I

20:26

am chronically ill and

20:29

there's been a lot of shame in

20:31

that . I was taken away from my

20:33

job eight years ago I

20:36

believe it's been eight years when I was 25

20:38

. I was working in the nonprofit

20:40

field and I was a go-getter

20:42

and I was playing that coal miner game

20:45

of working myself dry

20:47

and really wanted to help

20:49

change the world so that we

20:52

could , you know , not have as many climate

20:54

crises and social injustices . So

20:56

I really threw myself into work . So

20:59

the first incident that came to mind was from

21:01

the before times before I

21:04

completely crashed and had

21:06

to have really quiet power , of

21:08

learning how you can be very

21:10

powerful and a disabled person

21:12

. But before I identified

21:15

as being disabled , I was

21:17

working with these organizations

21:20

in Seattle that were

21:22

trying to raise awareness

21:25

and advocate for airport workers

21:27

who were subcontracted

21:29

by Alaska Airlines , and

21:32

these activist groups were the

21:34

ones who built the $15

21:36

an hour minimum wage law

21:39

. They're really amazing , mostly of women

21:41

of color led organization , for example

21:44

, called Puget Sound Sage . That

21:46

combines research and direct action

21:48

, where they would go around the

21:51

city of Seattle and

21:53

they would do research on

21:55

the air quality , realizing that

21:57

these schools in lower income

21:59

communities had all these

22:01

truckers and factories

22:04

that were spewing out toxic chemicals

22:06

and so their air quality was way lower

22:08

and the life expectancy

22:10

was actually like , I think , 18

22:13

years lower in

22:16

South Seattle than it was in more

22:18

affluent North Seattle . And so

22:20

, with this particular airport workers action

22:22

, we went into a shareholders meeting

22:25

and brought rabbis

22:27

and priests and indigenous

22:29

faith leaders and we

22:31

had like a prey in and all these

22:34

airport workers who are being forced

22:36

to work without gloves with toxic

22:38

cleaning chemicals . They

22:40

were not paid enough , so they had to have like three jobs

22:42

and would only be able to get

22:44

home in time to kiss their kids

22:46

, to sleep and , you know , not have any

22:49

time for anything except

22:51

work . Yeah , yeah , and

22:53

that's what capitalism does . But

22:55

it was actually all legal , like we were

22:57

technically shareholders , but we stood

23:00

up . I stood up and I interrupted

23:02

the CEO and said I

23:04

really love your company

23:06

, like thanks for trying to do a

23:08

good job . I'm sure you're very proud of your company

23:11

If you want us to

23:13

be even more proud and make even more

23:15

money . I would like to invite you

23:17

to treat your workers well and

23:20

you're going to have so much

23:22

more profit in the long run

23:24

. I know you're focused on this quarter

23:26

saving money , but if you're

23:28

actually going to invest in

23:30

what feels inconvenient now

23:32

health care for your workers , etc . You're

23:35

actually going to make more money

23:37

. And we interrupted them by

23:40

singing and it was very awkward

23:42

for them because they didn't want to interrupt

23:44

these like priests and rabbis who

23:46

were like holding hands in a circle and

23:48

like singing a song . You know they're going

23:50

to look like jerks and that

23:52

is a form of quiet power where

23:54

we weren't like , hey , you're jerks

23:57

. We were interrupting with love

23:59

, with very assertive love , and

24:02

I miss those days . I miss the days of being

24:04

able to go into a crowd or go and

24:06

marches and rallies and

24:08

we would have sing-ins in the halls of Congress

24:10

in DC where we would sit

24:13

in senators' offices and I

24:15

would make a parody song from a you

24:18

know queen or prince

24:20

song and we would sing

24:22

about corporate finance . Yeah

24:24

, that was my life . I love that when

24:27

I was 25 , then my body was like

24:29

hey , kaylee , let's now teach you

24:31

about applying those lessons

24:33

inside your own ecosystems

24:36

and economies and

24:38

resources within your own body . And

24:41

it was like you have been waking up

24:43

at 6 am and going

24:45

to sleep at midnight and in between

24:47

there you have worked

24:49

your nine to five job , which is really an

24:51

eight to seven pm job . You've

24:53

ridden the metro , you've been

24:56

finding a $400 a month

24:58

house that was the cheapest

25:00

you could find so that you could pay

25:02

your $300 a month health insurance

25:04

and medical bills to just keep on

25:06

ignoring your body's signals

25:09

of stomach upset and

25:11

missing your period . And now your tongue's

25:13

orange . And now you can't

25:15

open your eyes or swallow because

25:17

your throat is so incredibly sore and you

25:19

don't know what's going on . And I've been wearing all those

25:21

signs until I . You know it

25:24

was kind of too late . I didn't listen to the canaries

25:26

within my own body and I kind of keeled over

25:28

and I became mostly bedridden , like

25:31

I needed people to carry me to the bathroom

25:33

. I couldn't walk more than half a block

25:35

and needed a wheelchair sometimes for about

25:38

six years , and I'm doing a lot better now

25:40

. But it has been quite the

25:42

journey and I think there

25:44

is power in me accepting

25:47

. I had a woman two

25:49

days ago on the phone who I was meeting

25:51

, say oh , so you're

25:53

a sound healer . Now it's

25:55

really interesting . I was telling her about my journey

25:57

with endometriosis and how I'm here for

25:59

surgery and she's like it's interesting that

26:01

you haven't been able to heal yourself

26:04

yet with the sound . What

26:06

I was like um , you

26:09

know what ? Normally , yes , I

26:11

do feel like an imposter . I feel really scared

26:14

to advertise or say like

26:16

here , let me help you

26:18

heal . But that's an old definition

26:20

where you have to have arrived and be 100%

26:23

able-bodied and 100% healed

26:26

. What does it mean to be fully healed

26:28

? I think it's a compliment

26:31

. Actually , if your body is rejecting

26:33

this world , if your body

26:35

is rejecting the way society is

26:37

treating the earth , that's a compliment

26:40

. I don't want to be okay with that . It's

26:43

a compliment to be a canary . It's a compliment to

26:45

be sensitive . It's a compliment to be sick in

26:47

a toxic world and I

26:49

think it's going to be a never ending journey to

26:51

be healing . And so that's my

26:53

newfound , even quieter power is

26:56

realizing . I don't have to quell

26:58

the part of me that's afraid . I don't have

27:00

to be ashamed of the part of me that

27:02

actually my throat closes

27:04

when the wildfire smoke

27:06

, or even I eat gluten . You know

27:08

, like I feel like I should be

27:11

someone who's like I can eat gluten , I'm

27:13

fine , like I'm tough , but actually

27:15

it's okay , like that's a specific gift , that's

27:18

a specific role in society , to be

27:20

the canary who's saying , hey , you

27:22

know who's the smoke alarm . Don't muffle

27:24

the smoke alarm . I'm going to work

27:26

with my body to hopefully be

27:29

able to take those signs and signals

27:31

and not be as in

27:34

pain . We're

27:36

healing together , we're healing alongside

27:39

one another , and that's quiet power .

27:42

There's so much about

27:44

your journey , and both

27:46

your social activism , your political activism

27:49

that speaks to the interconnectedness

27:52

of all things , how

27:54

all of these different ecosystems

27:56

are actually intertwined , that

27:59

the health of our bodies

28:01

is a reflection of the health of our environment

28:03

, for example , and that the

28:05

canaries are that signal

28:08

. When you were talking about the

28:10

canaries and the coal mine , what was coming up for

28:12

me was , wow

28:15

, we actually recognize their power

28:17

and how important

28:19

they are , and then we also treat

28:21

them like shit . Yeah

28:25

Right , we recognize that

28:27

we need them , we're very grateful to have them , or

28:29

else something is going to come for us

28:31

. They're the signal , and

28:33

yet we do not value them and we do

28:35

not respect their bodies and take

28:37

care of them . Because that's what I think . When

28:40

I think canary , I think about that interconnectedness

28:42

and I was wondering if you could speak to what

28:45

you think the message of the canaries

28:47

are and what you would want the world to

28:49

understand or listen to .

28:52

Oh , it's hard for me to choose

28:54

. Oh no , this is my time .

28:59

This is my one chance For

29:01

one fan and her one chance . This

29:03

is a big moment for this one fan

29:06

of ours . Yeah

29:08

.

29:11

You both are so good at asking questions

29:13

, I feel

29:16

like what I would want people to

29:18

know I do want to say about

29:20

the ecosystems being in our bodies and

29:22

us being sick as a reflection

29:24

of what's going on with Earth's ecosystems . It's

29:27

a very impossible

29:30

paradigm for the Western medical

29:32

system to accept . Apparently

29:34

, it's really difficult to them . The

29:36

pharmaceutical and insurance company

29:38

industries have influenced the

29:41

healthcare system to be

29:43

very siloed , to be very stressed

29:45

and rushed . So the average time

29:47

that a doctor has and in a plane , oh , the patient

29:50

is seven minutes . So when I

29:52

first had all my symptoms

29:54

really , really mount and all of the ecosystems

29:56

, kind of like in a garden or a farm

29:58

, you're like oh no , all the chickens

30:00

are being eaten by coyotes , all

30:03

of the lettuce is being eaten by snails

30:05

. What's going on ? And

30:07

you have to figure out . Oh , there's an overgrowth

30:10

of these snails , so let's spray poison

30:12

all over the lettuce and then your

30:14

lattice is poisoned . Or

30:16

like in the fantastic

30:19

documentary Biggest Little Farm

30:21

, have you seen it ? Oh , it's so good

30:23

. Well , spoiler alert . Spoiler

30:25

alert , this is an M night Shyamalan twist

30:27

. Instead of spraying

30:30

pesticides on the lettuce to deal

30:32

with their snail population problem

30:35

, they got more ducks and

30:37

the ducks ate the snails . That's

30:40

like how healing should be . You're thinking

30:42

strategically and creatively about

30:44

how to balance ecosystems . You're not as so

30:47

much being like , ah , let's extinguish

30:49

it . Sometimes you do have to set it firm boundary

30:51

and say I'm so sorry , but we've got to smash

30:53

some snails . But yeah , I think with

30:55

my body . I went into my

30:57

first doctor's appointment after I

30:59

moved and started this new job in DC

31:02

where I was an environmental lobbyist and I was

31:04

loving my job , but I was having all these really

31:07

strange symptoms .

31:08

Can I just say how interesting it is that

31:10

you were an environmental lobbyist before

31:12

this ever happened to

31:14

you , isn't that ?

31:15

wild . Well , I mean , it's way

31:18

too long of a story to say it's not that much

31:20

of a coincidence , because I've always been a sensitive

31:22

person . As a child I had a lot of

31:24

health issues , but I

31:26

was just taught to

31:29

not think of myself as sick . This

31:31

is not an uncommon story . This is why I call

31:33

it the canary collective , because once I

31:35

started sharing more and being more public

31:37

through my music about my

31:39

illness experience and how much gaslighting

31:42

from doctors I faced , I

31:45

had all these people come out from the woodwork

31:47

like oh , my sister's cousins , dogs

31:50

, sitter also has

31:52

late stage Lyme disease or they have environmental

31:55

illness and they've had to live in their van and move

31:57

to the desert too . What do I do

31:59

? I've had so many people who also

32:01

are just going in with these weird symptoms

32:04

to the doctor and the doctor has no

32:06

answers of the problems or the solutions

32:08

. There is , unfortunately

32:11

, a pattern of especially

32:13

blaming women and people who are not cis

32:15

white men , cis white , evil-bodied

32:17

men . Not only is fat phobia a

32:19

huge problem and a white supremacy of racism

32:22

, but there's just so much

32:24

blaming of the patient

32:26

and saying well , we

32:28

looked , we can't find any evidence

32:31

of an invader . There's no bug

32:33

that we can see that's causing this in your

32:35

body , so it must be that

32:38

yeah , you're stressed

32:41

, you need to take a deep breath and

32:43

calm down , be

32:46

that's very reflective

32:48

and parallel to what happens and that

32:50

just trigger warning content , warning

32:52

for anyone . Just a brief mention

32:54

of sexual assault . But

32:57

with our criminal justice system in terms

32:59

of sexual assault , less than 1%

33:02

of sexual assault

33:04

cases actually get

33:06

justice , because the

33:08

system is designed to blame the

33:11

survivor . It's designed to say what did

33:13

you do to invite this ? I'm

33:16

looking and he's not that bad . I'm looking

33:18

at this guy and he looks really nice . How

33:20

could he have done this bad thing ? And

33:23

I'm a survivor of that experience

33:25

as well , which is a whole other story that maybe

33:27

someday I'll share because it's actually quite

33:30

intense . But I was really similar

33:32

to how I felt in the justice quote

33:34

unquote system , where I did not

33:37

receive justice . I felt similarly

33:39

in the healthcare system with just

33:41

saying hey , like I've stopped getting

33:43

my period , I'm waking up six times

33:45

a night to go pee , I am

33:48

starving , my tongue is coated orange

33:50

, I'm nauseated , I'm having pain

33:52

and swelling and all my joints . And

33:55

the first doctor walked in and she said I

33:57

don't have time for all these symptoms . You have to choose

33:59

one . You have to choose one . So

34:02

that made me think . Do we ask Mother

34:05

Earth to choose a

34:07

symptom to focus on or like ? Well , climate

34:09

change can't be all of these things . Climate

34:12

change has to just be extra

34:14

blizzards or extra wildfires or

34:16

ocean acidification , so all the whales

34:18

and coral are dying . You have to choose

34:20

, mother Earth .

34:21

Geez , you're such a drama queen , mother

34:23

Earth , like you are just complaining

34:26

, but you know what it makes me think of , as

34:28

you're talking about the CEO of the

34:30

company that you're like hey , let

34:32

me assertively love into

34:34

this conversation . You're thinking

34:36

about the next quarter's profits . What

34:39

if you looked further ahead ? It's like the same

34:41

exact conversation . Right , we have

34:43

to look at the bigger picture . We have

34:45

to look ahead . We can't

34:48

just deal with what's right in front of us and pick

34:50

one symptom and try to deal

34:52

with that . But it's like when you look at the entire

34:54

ecosystems of how we navigate everything

34:56

. It's like this is one example of how everyone

34:58

is just dealing with the thing right in front of us reactively

35:01

, instead of looking at a bigger picture

35:03

impact as a way of making

35:06

choices .

35:07

So , if I'm interpreting it correctly

35:09

, when we speak to canaries

35:12

, canaries are saying something

35:14

is wrong . Look at our bodies . Our

35:17

bodies are failing us . We're

35:19

very , very sick and

35:21

because doctors can't necessarily

35:24

get in there and understand

35:26

it in the way that they understand things , they

35:29

go it's all in your head that doesn't

35:31

actually exist , and then we're

35:33

not actually collectively

35:35

tuning into what your bodies are

35:37

signaling about the world that we live

35:39

in and about how we're treating the world

35:41

that we live in . Am I right ? Is that what you're ?

35:43

saying yeah , and I know what you're

35:46

saying . I understand , but I'm trying

35:48

not to say that my body's failing me anymore

35:50

and I've learned so much from looking

35:52

at animals and what's happening to the bees

35:54

. These are getting chronic viruses

35:57

. They monocrop agriculture

35:59

and all of the pesticides

36:02

that we're spraying is lowering their immune systems

36:04

, and orca whales are

36:07

not able to give birth to

36:09

very many babies that are surviving past

36:11

a day or two because the

36:14

whale mothers livers are

36:16

becoming so toxic with petroleum

36:18

chemicals Then the mother

36:20

passes that on through the fetus to

36:22

the baby . All of those toxins you

36:25

wouldn't say their bodies are failing to

36:27

do what they want to do to survive .

36:29

Responding appropriately to

36:32

the circumstances , to the situation

36:34

, to the harm that is in the

36:36

environment .

36:37

Yeah .

36:38

Yeah , exactly , and we wouldn't just

36:40

look at what's happening to orca whales , the

36:42

orca whale mamas , and say here's

36:45

a self-help book where it's

36:47

actually telling you to breathe deeply

36:50

and there is so

36:52

much power that we can alchemy

36:54

as a situation , and I do believe in the power

36:57

of intention and sound healing and

36:59

everything is about doing what you can

37:01

from your internal environment to strengthen

37:03

you . But it also doesn't cancel

37:06

out the other side of the coin , which

37:08

is that we do have these toxins

37:10

and environmental challenges

37:13

that our bodies are facing , no matter how strong

37:15

our bodies are , and we have a pandemic

37:18

still going on . That's what I want people

37:20

to know from Canaries , especially in this

37:22

time in human history , is that we're

37:24

still dealing with a lot of bugs

37:26

, that a lot of people

37:29

who are telling me

37:31

, like you , are so silly for still

37:33

wearing a mask I have had

37:35

a lot of people tell me that , believe it

37:37

or not . A lot of people who are rolling

37:39

their eyes when I ask , especially

37:42

white , able-bodied men , would you

37:44

mind just putting your mask above your nose

37:47

? And I'm so scared to ask that

37:49

. I am literally trembling when I ask

37:51

that because within me I have this battle for

37:53

the first 30 minutes when I'm in the room

37:55

with a man who's got his mask there

37:57

and I'm like Kaylee , you're going to look

38:00

like you're one of those divas and

38:02

he's going to roll his eyes and you're going to be like

38:04

I'm a super germaphobe

38:06

. We have these archetype , negative stereotypes

38:09

of a sensitive person that

38:11

I've strived to not be

38:13

. I want to be the chill girlfriend who's like

38:15

I play video games and I stay

38:17

up till three and I'm like I don't care and

38:22

like that's cool too . That's another archetype

38:25

to celebrate , and let's

38:27

celebrate the person who's wise

38:29

enough to say it's going to be hard

38:31

for an immunocompromised body to deal with

38:34

a respiratory vascular virus

38:36

right now , so I'm just going to ask you

38:38

to scoop this baby up . And

38:40

they , so many times , actually

38:43

do what I'm afraid of they roll

38:45

their eyes , they have a heavy sigh

38:48

. That's like okay

38:50

, I'll put on

38:52

a mask for you , a

38:55

walkie girl who's like so

38:57

paranoid , but all right , as long

38:59

as it makes you feel comfortable , whatever

39:02

, just like you would do for a child

39:04

. Who's like mommy , I'm scared , I'm

39:06

having nightmares , there's a monster in my closet . And

39:09

to be like okay , sweetie , I'm

39:11

looking in the closet , there

39:13

are no monsters . Like

39:15

dad is so freaking , condescending

39:18

, and so many of you are doing

39:20

it to immunocompromise people .

39:22

I'm sorry and some of these are doctors

39:25

, right ? Yeah , so many of them are doctors

39:28

who are doing that , because that's really

39:30

all the people that you see .

39:34

Those are the people I'm in a room with

39:36

. Yeah , but like that they took out the mask

39:38

mandate in hospitals Like

39:40

I understand if you all who are able-bodied

39:42

and think that you're fine want to go to concerts

39:45

and like keep on not wearing masks in restaurants

39:47

, like okay . But hospitals

39:49

Like I had to get surgery

39:52

because I had endometriosis on my appendix

39:54

and in my colon . I had no choice

39:57

but to go in there . Like I can't

39:59

be the chill girlfriend who's like do

40:02

your thing , you do you , which

40:04

I was really trained in the hetero

40:06

relationships that I was in . I must say

40:08

I was really trained and

40:10

like being queer and now like coming

40:12

out as queer and pansexual . That's

40:15

also helped me explode those old

40:17

ideas of who I was supposed to be , of

40:19

being the chill girlfriend who's like pushing

40:21

past her pain , not voicing

40:23

, basically being like uh-huh , uh-huh , everything's

40:26

fine . So what I want

40:28

people to know from Canaries is that everything's

40:30

not fine . We're doing our best , like

40:33

we will try our best to breathe in

40:35

a certain way where we can last

40:37

a little bit longer in this toxic mind . But

40:39

let's listen to underrepresented , vulnerable

40:42

voices and let's actually together

40:44

, all of us , get out of this toxic

40:46

mind and get to healthier air .

40:48

I feel like my brain wants to

40:50

link this to the bigger picture , because

40:53

what I'm feeling is that a

40:55

lot of the attitude and what I saw

40:58

through the pandemic is , if it's not affecting me

41:00

directly , it doesn't matter

41:02

. And what we're not understanding

41:05

, or what I don't think they understand , is that

41:07

it is affecting you directly

41:09

. You just don't know it yet

41:11

. Yes , and I think on

41:13

the larger scale , that's actually what's

41:16

happening . Just because you aren't having

41:18

the direct experience of what the

41:20

toxins in your environment are doing to your body

41:22

does not mean your body is not affected by it

41:24

, and that there are people out

41:26

there who are showing you , because of

41:28

their superpower , because of their heightened sensitivity

41:31

, like we should be grateful

41:33

and witness it and see it so

41:35

that we can make those changes , because it actually

41:38

benefits the whole planet . But

41:40

this attitude of like why should

41:42

I wear a mask ? I'm not going to get sick ? I

41:44

was always so confused by that

41:46

because there are so many people

41:49

who are vulnerable , who , like you

41:51

just said , don't always have the option

41:53

not to leave their house . And why are we trying

41:55

to hide everybody ? Why are we trying to take

41:57

all of these members of society who

41:59

are not exactly how you

42:01

think a person should be by your

42:04

own definition and hide them

42:06

away , so we don't have to look at ourselves and

42:08

deal with what's wrong with the world

42:10

.

42:10

Yeah .

42:11

Thank you , Jessica . I'm going to put that on a

42:13

loop , just like hearing you

42:15

flex your ally muscles .

42:17

Yeah , so well , thank you .

42:19

We need to wake up and you're like

42:21

, yeah , we do so

42:23

in my coaching world . What I deal with

42:25

so much in people is

42:27

overwhelm . I'm so overwhelmed

42:29

in my existing world of like

42:31

me and the things I'm responsible for and

42:34

like I actually can barely even handle

42:36

my own problems that are like smacking

42:39

me in the face every day that I can't

42:41

ignore . And I'm not saying

42:43

this is like a justification , but this is like what I see

42:45

all the time . Life is so

42:47

chaotic because of the bigger systems

42:49

and because of the way we think we have to show up , like to full

42:51

circle back to your first job

42:54

. Of all the doing , I have to look

42:56

a certain way and my life has to be a certain way . All

42:58

the expectations that we take on as

43:00

individuals . People are crumbling in

43:03

their own bubble without considering

43:05

the greater impact . So there's that

43:07

piece of it . And then I've been with Beauty

43:09

Counter for eight years . I'm involved still

43:12

, but I'm not actively like building my business . But

43:14

the whole messaging of Beauty Counter is there

43:16

are these toxic ingredients that are perfectly

43:18

legal and they're in all of our products and

43:21

there's a lot we can't control in our lives . There's

43:23

a lot in the environment we can't control and you

43:25

can certainly . I wish I had something to like grab

43:28

. But let's pretend this is a cream , it's

43:30

a candle well , also toxic candles

43:33

, not this one . But like there's

43:35

things that you're choosing to put on your body

43:37

, there's things you're choosing to burn and put in your air

43:39

and your household . There's cleaning supplies

43:41

that you're choosing , and so even

43:44

to get people to like put

43:46

a different cream on your face , put

43:49

a different sunscreen on your body , try

43:51

not to use a chemical sunscreen , just

43:53

try to use a zinc sunscreen , just

43:56

that like teeny , tiny , small tweak

43:58

for a lot of people . I mean , there's a lot of people who do

44:00

give lots of shits about this , but there's

44:02

a lot of people who are like I

44:04

don't want to do that , you know . And just

44:06

seeing this dynamic at play here

44:09

of like I just need to do the easiest

44:11

thing that's humanly possible right in front of me and I'm reacting

44:13

to my entire life . So how could I possibly give a

44:15

shit about other people and the

44:17

entire planet ? That's like way too much for my

44:19

brain to handle .

44:20

Yeah , and , like you're saying , listening

44:22

to the Canaries is about , like Jessica said

44:25

, honoring that . It's not

44:27

just out of pity for people

44:29

who are less fortunate . If we listen to the Canaries

44:31

, we're helping ourselves . Yeah , but

44:33

it's so hard to get

44:35

out of the grind . It's very not

44:37

affordable to have non-toxic products

44:40

. It's very not affordable to have non-toxic

44:42

, safe housing . So we need

44:44

systemic change For sure .

44:46

Yeah , and one of the things I'm really

44:48

present to about who you are is that a

44:50

pattern that you have had in at least the parts

44:52

of your life that I'm aware of , is you've given

44:54

a voice to those who don't have

44:56

one . That's been your pattern

44:58

, whether you were doing your first job

45:00

out of college , to the way in which you're showing up

45:02

today , to the way in which you use your music , to

45:04

the way in which you've advocated . It's like always

45:07

giving a voice to the one that's not the loudest

45:09

in the room the quiet power , if you will

45:11

. Well .

45:13

I mean thanks , but yeah , everyone pretty

45:15

much is a Canary , everyone who's under

45:17

this oppressive system . Unless

45:19

you are Mitch McConnell

45:21

at a golf club or a billionaire

45:24

, the system's not working for you . So

45:27

you're all welcome to the club , and the

45:29

only reason why some of us might

45:31

have less voices than others

45:33

Well , no , this is not the only reason , but one reason

45:35

why we might not feel empowered

45:37

to believe in ourselves and our

45:39

own sensitivities of superpowers is

45:42

that we are isolated . Like Jessica said

45:44

, we are being hidden away from each other

45:46

and the world . So that was my goal

45:48

in making my music and recording my albums

45:51

and all my music is pay what you can , so

45:53

like . I wanted to make it accessible because my

45:55

goal every time I record is

45:57

for people to listen who are in hospitals

46:00

Wondering is anyone else wearing

46:02

a mask ? Like people who are

46:04

bedridden for years and in

46:06

their 20s and 30s in their parents' home , like

46:08

I was living in a van . I want

46:10

them to listen to the songs and feel less alone

46:13

and feel connected to the community

46:15

.

46:16

I remember from that human design reading , because

46:19

I had only met you the one time before

46:21

, I didn't know anything about your story and

46:23

I know that your human design and what I would have said

46:25

is around marrying leadership

46:27

with artistic expression . And

46:30

, yeah , and that is

46:32

what you do with your music

46:35

. And even when you were at your sickest

46:37

, you were writing in bed and

46:40

spreading your message and

46:42

you found other canaries and you did Bed

46:44

Fest , yeah , bed Fest , yeah .

46:46

I love that .

46:47

I really have never met a person that

46:49

consistently , while you

46:51

are moving through challenges

46:53

that some of us could not even

46:56

fathom having to deal with in our lives

46:58

, have always found a way like I said earlier

47:00

about this interconnectedness to

47:02

make it about everybody

47:04

, and that is such a profound

47:07

gift . I do want to come back

47:09

to intuition , though , because I think that is such an important

47:11

thing for us to touch on before we wrap up

47:14

, because , having gone through this system

47:16

and being told over and over again and

47:18

you have a song believe her right

47:20

. Being told over and over again

47:22

, I don't believe you . It's

47:24

in your head . Go to therapy , whatever

47:27

it is . What does that do

47:29

to your connection

47:31

to your intuition , to your relationship

47:33

with self-trust , and how have you been navigating

47:36

that in order to continue your advocacy

47:38

, continue standing up for yourself and speaking

47:40

your truth anyway , which I have so much

47:42

admiration for ? Oh , thank you

47:45

.

47:46

Well , it's pretty incredible that we

47:48

talked earlier this year

47:50

and just so much has happened . That

47:52

is making this conversation even more rich

47:54

for me . But since we

47:56

talked , I've gone through an even

47:58

more intense chapter of my health journey

48:00

and , for example , I

48:02

get intuitive hits and

48:04

I have since I was young where I would

48:06

predict people's deaths . Unfortunately

48:08

, as a small , creepy haunting

48:10

six-year-old child , I

48:13

would be like there's a hurricane coming . There's

48:15

a hurricane coming , and everyone

48:18

would be like sweetie , there

48:20

hasn't been a hurricane here for 25

48:22

years . Just calm

48:24

down . You're annoying everyone with

48:27

your tears , and so I built

48:29

in so much shame about that

48:31

. And then we get to the specific island

48:33

and we turn on the TV and it's like the

48:35

largest hurricane in 25 years is headed

48:37

for the exact location where

48:40

we landed and we had to evacuate . Oh my gosh , kaylee

48:42

, you're like

48:44

see , it's hard

48:46

. It's a hard life being canary , because

48:49

, also , I'm not always right , so

48:51

I have to decipher the codes and the messages

48:53

that I get . But , for example , I

48:56

had a dream a few months ago as I was getting

48:58

ready for this endometriosis surgery . I

49:01

felt in my body so clearly

49:03

I had this dream that I was coming out

49:05

of the surgery and they were like great

49:08

, we helped you with your appendix , the

49:10

endometriosis , down in your womb , but

49:12

we missed your gallbladder . We

49:15

didn't do anything about your gallbladder . And

49:17

so I chose to listen to that , even though

49:19

it didn't make as much sense , even

49:21

though everyone , all the doctors , were telling me

49:23

no . And so I brought to

49:25

the colorectal surgeon and I said I really feel

49:27

like I should get my gallbladder checked . And

49:31

he was like your gallbladder is fine

49:33

. I am actually not exaggerating , this is how he

49:35

was talking . He's like you're fine , your

49:37

gallbladder is not a thing . That's not a thing

49:40

. Endometriosis doesn't impact the function

49:42

of the gallbladder . And I was like OK

49:44

, all right . And I left

49:46

the office and I was like , yeah , I'm probably

49:48

overreacting . Like yeah , Kaylee , and

49:51

I have that within me . Still , that makes fun of myself

49:53

. Then I came back the next appointment

49:55

. I was like I just have to mention this again like

49:58

gallbladder . And he was like you

50:00

must be seeing witch doctors . And

50:02

I was like actually , this other doctor

50:05

who told me about my gallbladder , like here's

50:07

I want to jump through the screen at that

50:09

time , I know . And so

50:11

then the third time , third appointment , I was like

50:13

I know you're really annoyed with me , these

50:16

are some peer reviewed articles and everything . And

50:18

I got called by his office a few weeks later and

50:20

they're like the doctor would like you to

50:22

get a gallbladder test . And

50:24

I got it and I have biliary dyskinesia

50:27

. I have , I have gallbladder

50:29

disease and I'm having the symptoms

50:31

. He did not acknowledge me

50:33

in the slightest . We had a telehealth visit

50:35

. He did not even look me in the eye . This was him

50:37

, you know , shuffling his papers . Yeah , so

50:40

, yeah , you have biliary dyskinesia and

50:42

yeah , you've got to . We've got to just like

50:44

, get your laparoscopic surgery and then

50:46

, like , next month , come back and we'll

50:49

take out your gallbladder .

50:50

Then you want to be like look at me and say you're right

50:52

.

50:53

Yeah , I want to hear that I'm right

50:55

and so , yeah , I'm going to have to deal

50:57

with that now . I have been to hundreds

50:59

of doctors . None of them have believed

51:01

me . I have had to be so persistent . I have had

51:04

symptoms of gallbladder disease for

51:06

eight years , where I cannot digest

51:08

fats . I'm not going to mention the

51:10

other unmentionable symptoms . But

51:13

, yeah , believe yourself , and I

51:15

think I'm practicing with my intuition

51:17

. I have a whole story about reuniting

51:19

with Orca whales . That I'll say for a different time

51:21

, but I followed my intuition there

51:23

too .

51:24

If you can stay on once . Melissa actually has to go

51:26

. I think you should tell your story because I do think

51:28

it's really important and I know you really want to .

51:31

I'm like . I want to actually hear the whole thing , but I do

51:33

need to honor babysitter hours

51:35

and all the things .

51:36

Yeah , so I think we should stay on and make sure

51:38

that happens . But with all of that said , then how

51:40

do you navigate that inside of yourself ? How

51:43

do you anchor more deeply in

51:45

your intuition when the world is constant

51:47

? I know this is a journey for you because we're friends and

51:49

we talk a lot , and I know it's really hard , but

51:52

I see you embracing that journey . I

51:54

see that you know on some

51:56

level you have access

51:58

to your truth , and then you're constantly bumping

52:01

up against a world that wants to deny

52:03

it . What keeps you on that journey

52:05

? What keeps you ?

52:07

from abandoning yourself . This is everyone

52:09

. Like another moment where you're speaking for every

52:11

single person , because every

52:13

single person is like no pressure

52:15

, get it right . Everyone

52:19

is being taught in their own way to ignore

52:21

their truth , to disregard

52:24

their bodies , to keep on moving forward

52:26

that they're wrong , but it's like . This

52:29

is the reality and the more

52:31

we can come back into honoring what

52:33

we know and continuing to push forward , the

52:35

better our world will be . So I

52:37

just want to say thank you for sharing your story

52:39

and thank you for coming forward with this and being

52:42

so vulnerable and honest about it , because you are

52:44

speaking for everybody , because everybody

52:46

has had their voice taken away and some people just

52:48

have more profound experiences with

52:50

that or experiences that you're like . I actually cannot

52:52

continue to ignore this . My life is

52:54

on the line here , yeah thank

52:57

you .

52:58

Just returning to songwriting , because

53:00

the songs are my intuition

53:02

, speaking and singing through me . My

53:04

goal is to basically be a full-time

53:07

life transitions sound

53:09

facilitator . I want to help people

53:11

through death and birth and illness

53:14

experience in the hospital , and I

53:16

want CEOs to listen to my music

53:18

and have them return to their hearts and their intuition

53:20

and be like what am I doing ? Yeah , my

53:23

friend just texted me who's been a patron

53:25

on Patreon for many years , that she downloaded

53:27

all my music from my Patreon because

53:29

she is getting ready to go into labor

53:32

and she said did you know your songs are really good

53:34

for going into labor too

53:36

? It's like that is the best

53:38

compliment ever . That's

53:40

what I want because , yeah , just following

53:43

my intuition and returning back

53:45

, being like oh really , that lyric wants

53:47

to come out , oh , that song wants to come out and no

53:49

one can take that from you .

53:50

I'm your friend too . Yeah , I

53:52

hope everybody listening looks up KPH in the

53:54

Canary Collective right now

53:56

. Kaylee's

54:21

music is so good .

54:24

It's so good .

54:25

Thank you , I

54:28

mean this . You are my favorite musician . I

54:31

can't believe that I know you . Kaylee

54:33

sent me a song for my birthday

54:35

that I listen to every

54:38

single day , because your

54:40

ability to see not

54:42

just the world but the people in your

54:44

life is so profound

54:46

. I have never felt more seen and

54:49

I just am in

54:51

just such gratitude

54:53

for you , your existence

54:55

on this earth and the gift that you are and

54:57

the gift that you're being for the world , the generosity

55:00

of your spirit , because a lot of people

55:02

could turn your experience and just

55:04

want to hide and shut down and I

55:06

know that that's probably something that you

55:08

want to do sometimes but you keep

55:10

choosing to show up and use

55:13

your voice in a really powerful way

55:15

, and so thank you for

55:17

being you .

55:18

Thank you both . And listening to

55:20

this podcast also helped

55:22

me return to my intuition , so that's

55:24

my other answer .

55:25

Thanks for that plug , thank you . All right , I'm going to

55:28

hop . I love you . Thank you for being here

55:30

. This was beautiful . I

55:32

can't wait to hear the full orchestra story . I'm sorry I can't stay

55:34

, but I have to go put on my other hats , that's

55:36

okay 100%

55:38

.

55:38

Yeah , it's a lot to be a parent

55:40

. You are amazing at all the things

55:42

you do . Thank you All right , okay

55:45

.

55:46

So you told me that

55:49

you would want to do a TED Talk

55:51

on Orca Whales , and

55:55

so I would love you to share

55:57

why that is , and what have

55:59

Orca Whales taught you . Oh

56:02

, thank you .

56:02

Thank you . Well

56:05

, I definitely do not have a polished TED

56:07

Talk ready , but I have

56:09

always related to Orca Whales

56:11

a lot and just felt very connected

56:13

to them and that's evolved

56:16

for my life . But I

56:18

feel that Orca Whales

56:21

are kind of canaries of the sea

56:23

. Orcas have a

56:25

bigger proportion of their brains

56:27

that's dedicated to feeling connected

56:29

, like empathy , and connected to their community

56:31

and their environment of any other

56:33

mammal on earth . That's their

56:35

superpowers . They're very sensitive to

56:38

feeling like ooh , what's going on

56:40

with my grandmother right now ? Ooh , over

56:42

50 kilometers away there's

56:45

a bit of an oil spill

56:47

and I'm going to go with my intuition and

56:49

swim this other direction to avoid

56:51

the oil , even though everyone's saying those waters

56:53

are fine . I think that's some

56:55

of what I love about them . Obviously , they use beautiful

56:58

sounds to communicate

57:01

and using sound to navigate

57:04

within your environment to safety

57:06

and prosperity and joy . So

57:09

I love Orcas . They're also just

57:11

like super cool and so funny

57:13

that this time

57:16

in my life , with my particular health

57:18

journey , with endometriosis and

57:20

finally being validated after so

57:22

many years of knowing something

57:24

was going on , you literally coming

57:27

into women , run

57:29

emergency rooms with me

57:31

in January 2020

57:33

. And having this incredible

57:35

pelvic pain and they said we can't

57:37

see anything . They say we don't know what's

57:39

going on and like try

57:42

stopping eating chocolate and citrus

57:44

. Those were some of the things . So

57:47

finally , it's like I've listened

57:49

to my womb speak . I'm hearing

57:51

my uterus cry out Instead

57:54

of being like there's no oil spill , you

57:56

silly uterus . Finally

57:59

, the doctors and I can be like oh

58:01

you , poor uterus . This whole time you've

58:03

been in a toxic sludge , you've had cysts

58:06

and adhesions and things

58:08

that are strangulating you and

58:10

it was severe .

58:11

That's validating . I mean you don't have to share it

58:13

all here , but what you shared with me by

58:15

the time you caught it . It's remarkable that

58:17

it hadn't been caught earlier .

58:19

Yeah , well , actually it's kind of

58:21

a long story now and complicated , but

58:23

it wasn't as severe as they thought

58:25

. In the endometriosis it doesn't really matter

58:27

the size of the

58:30

growth . You can have a very

58:32

, very small spot and have

58:34

nine out of 10 pain where you

58:36

like throw up from the pain . So

58:38

I'm learning a lot about endometriosis that

58:40

I didn't know . But I was told for a long time

58:42

that endometriosis is just benign and

58:44

so come back to me in a couple of years if

58:46

you want to get pregnant is like what a lot of doctors

58:49

tell people , a lot of gynecologists they're

58:51

in a crisis of healthcare for people with

58:53

uteruses , et cetera . And

58:56

so it wasn't as severe as they thought

58:58

. It was on my appendix

59:01

, which can explain . It

59:03

wasn't like burning holes

59:05

into my colon like they thought , but

59:08

it was on the appendix , which

59:10

is like that's not benign . That

59:12

can be increasing your risk

59:15

of infection . Sometimes it can kind

59:17

of impact the function of your

59:20

gut microbiome If you're

59:22

having hormone imbalances

59:24

and everything that are causing you to

59:26

have a recurrence of infections , like

59:29

just your immune system is chronically suppressed

59:31

. So that's not actually benign . But

59:34

we kind of view reproductive organs

59:36

as just like unnecessary , like oh , unfortunately

59:38

you have pain but we don't need to

59:40

take action on this is kind of how

59:43

they talk about it . So , anyway , I was

59:45

not prioritizing listening

59:48

as much as I could have because I was like

59:50

it's fine , you know , it's painful , but

59:52

that's just about my comfort , that's not

59:54

about my safety , it's not like causing

59:56

damage . But then to learn that , yes , it

59:58

can cause damage , it can mean if you want to have kids

1:00:00

biologically you're not going to be able to do that , like all

1:00:02

kinds of things where it was really impacting

1:00:05

my safety , my immune system , everything

1:00:08

. So , yes , it was severe

1:00:10

and that if they had caught it , if

1:00:12

they had known from the moment symptoms

1:00:14

started when I was 12 , like

1:00:17

that's what a lot of these doctors

1:00:19

that I traveled to California to see

1:00:22

are writing about and being activists

1:00:24

about . And Hillary Clinton actually

1:00:26

just made a documentary called Below the Bell

1:00:28

about endometriosis and about this issue

1:00:30

with our healthcare system not researching

1:00:33

, not prioritizing this disease

1:00:35

that's found in one out of 10 people with a

1:00:37

uterus . So , anyway

1:00:39

, you can't talk about workers without talking

1:00:41

about a uterus . But I think

1:00:43

I was listening to my body

1:00:46

for a long time in my life with

1:00:48

this annoyance of

1:00:50

like come on body . Why can't you just buck

1:00:53

up and let me work a full-time

1:00:55

job ? Why can't you just let me go

1:00:57

to this concert and perform

1:01:00

? I was so frustrated

1:01:02

with my body and

1:01:04

the orco whales are struggling

1:01:07

so much , and I feel like a lot

1:01:09

of people kind of meet our

1:01:11

earth with this frustration of

1:01:13

like why can't you just do what I want

1:01:15

you to Like ? I want

1:01:17

it to be sunny weather right now . I don't want

1:01:19

it to be a storm . I wanted to be able to have

1:01:21

this like football

1:01:23

game , but the wildfire smoke is getting

1:01:26

in the way and , with the whales

1:01:28

, they're being affected by noise

1:01:30

, pollution from boats and all

1:01:32

of the toxins in the water

1:01:34

and so many different aspects

1:01:37

that are complicated , sciencey

1:01:39

, and now they

1:01:41

are rising up . It's

1:01:45

so apropos that , as

1:01:47

I'm rising up and I'm like , wait a second

1:01:49

, I deserve to get help . I

1:01:52

deserve to have you stop

1:01:54

dumping chemicals into

1:01:56

my body please , and I have

1:01:59

asked nicely for help for

1:02:01

years . I've asked

1:02:03

so nicely , and

1:02:06

now I am accepting the

1:02:08

part of myself that feels rage about this

1:02:11

. I deserve to feel rage and

1:02:13

I deserve to not ask as nicely

1:02:15

right now , and

1:02:17

the orcas are doing the same thing . I feel like

1:02:19

in sinking the yachts . What

1:02:22

are they doing ? There's a whole orca uprising

1:02:24

going on . Oh my gosh , I

1:02:26

assumed everybody knew because , like the

1:02:28

algorithm just feeds me orca

1:02:30

news every day , there's an orca

1:02:33

uprising . There's a weird phenomenon

1:02:35

happening where orcas around

1:02:37

the world , but specifically like off

1:02:39

the coast of Portugal and Spain , are

1:02:41

sinking yachts . There

1:02:43

haven't been any fatalities , but this

1:02:45

grandmother whale , gladys

1:02:48

, in particular , whales are matriarch

1:02:50

goal . They followed the grandmothers

1:02:52

and Gladys was injured by

1:02:55

a boat and she

1:02:57

is teaching the next generation

1:02:59

of whales to bump

1:03:02

their noses against the boat in a specific

1:03:04

way to cause the boats

1:03:06

to sink . They're rebelling

1:03:09

. There's an orca rebellion happening

1:03:11

and scientists and newscasters

1:03:14

are trying to figure out , and

1:03:16

I made a kind of parody video on TikTok

1:03:18

and Instagram about how funny

1:03:20

it is to see news reporters reporting

1:03:23

on this phenomenon , where they're like it

1:03:25

sounds so bizarre , but it's almost

1:03:28

as if the orca whales are conspiring

1:03:30

and collaborating and

1:03:33

teaching their young and

1:03:35

it's like is it really so hard to believe that they're intelligent

1:03:38

and that they have their own version of

1:03:40

intelligence , like we're so human centric

1:03:42

? Yeah , but they're . They're

1:03:44

very smart and I think a lot of humans

1:03:47

who have been oppressed , who are rising up

1:03:49

in their own ways , maybe throwing

1:03:51

rocks and bank windows or

1:03:53

screaming at cops , like there's

1:03:55

been a lot of pushback not that this is

1:03:57

the same thing at all , but there has been a lot of pushback

1:04:00

of a lot of people saying they should ask

1:04:02

nicely for justice . Why didn't you

1:04:04

ask in a nicer , calmer tone

1:04:06

it's like you have not been in

1:04:08

my shoes for these 35

1:04:10

years or whatever that I was asking

1:04:13

nicely and you caught me in the

1:04:15

20 seconds where a little bit of my

1:04:17

rage came through . So I think there's

1:04:19

a lot of lessons right now to be learned

1:04:22

from the uprising of the orcas

1:04:24

in terms of human , social and environmental

1:04:26

justice and honoring marginalized

1:04:29

communities who are saying I've had

1:04:31

it , these systems that aren't working for us .

1:04:33

I know that you've shared with me before , that

1:04:35

there's something that

1:04:38

we can learn from rebels .

1:04:40

Well , I mean just what I said . I guess

1:04:42

that we are when

1:04:46

we're rebels , when

1:04:48

we're really getting in touch with our inner rebel

1:04:51

. I was really thinking about this , prompted

1:04:53

by your brilliant name of your podcast . We

1:04:56

have to be ready to accept the

1:04:58

inconvenient truths about

1:05:00

ourselves and society . We have to

1:05:02

be ready to take a detour

1:05:05

and go the seemingly

1:05:07

inconvenient route . It might

1:05:10

end up actually getting us to our

1:05:12

dreams and to our goals faster

1:05:14

and in a more beautiful

1:05:16

way than we had imagined . It

1:05:19

might actually be the outcome we want

1:05:21

, but we think no , we've got to save

1:05:23

money . We don't have time to circle

1:05:25

the boat around and rescue those seals

1:05:28

or orcas from the oil spill .

1:05:29

Because it challenges all our systems

1:05:31

. It means that we

1:05:33

actually have to pause and examine

1:05:36

ourselves and examine the world and

1:05:39

make changes that

1:05:41

are less comfortable for us

1:05:43

.

1:05:44

Yeah , and I'm very uncomfortable with

1:05:46

those inconveniences too and

1:05:48

I've had to really work on that because

1:05:50

, you know , I had a friend who was in a wheelchair

1:05:53

and we were traveling and

1:05:55

it's like there were parts of me that

1:05:57

had internalized ableism , just

1:05:59

ableism in general . This is before

1:06:02

I had learned about disability justice from amazing

1:06:04

authors and activists such as Leah

1:06:07

Lakshmi Piups and Esama Rasena , who

1:06:09

writes a book called Care Work , dreaming Disability

1:06:11

Justice have to mention them

1:06:14

. But this is before and I would think , oh

1:06:16

, this is pretty inconvenient to

1:06:18

not be able to take this fast route

1:06:20

back to our hostel . You know we

1:06:23

would have to go this route

1:06:25

in the wheelchair because it's paved , but

1:06:28

oh my gosh , it's obviously

1:06:30

so worth it and so important , and

1:06:33

that's such a terrible thing to think . And

1:06:35

it's so inconvenient to wear a

1:06:38

mask and figure out , okay

1:06:40

, well , we can't sit inside this restaurant here . Let's

1:06:42

move tables to this outdoor restaurant

1:06:44

, or let's inconvenience the waiter and be like could

1:06:46

we sit outside or could you

1:06:48

turn that air filter on , like these are all

1:06:51

inconveniences , but it's what it takes

1:06:53

in order to let the rebels

1:06:55

be a part of society .

1:06:57

Well , I think it goes back to what we

1:06:59

were talking about a little bit earlier

1:07:01

, which is that it's actually flipped

1:07:04

. There is actually a much

1:07:06

greater inconvenience . There's

1:07:08

a much bigger inconvenience

1:07:10

that we're not looking at . The

1:07:12

problem is so much bigger than

1:07:15

we want to see , and if we continue

1:07:17

to do these little

1:07:19

micro , convenient things that make

1:07:21

us comfortable on a daily basis without looking

1:07:23

at the bigger picture , one

1:07:26

day it is going to be so

1:07:28

inconvenient for everyone

1:07:30

, exactly

1:07:32

. Yeah , what you do

1:07:34

so well is , I think , big picture thinking

1:07:37

right . It's the way that you're able to connect

1:07:39

your story to the collective . It's

1:07:42

connecting this moment to the future and

1:07:44

to our children and to the

1:07:46

world at large , and understanding

1:07:48

that all of these systems are one in

1:07:50

the same , or all interconnected . You can't

1:07:52

remove yourself from the whole . You're affected

1:07:55

by it , whether you want to believe you are or

1:07:57

not , and so what role do

1:07:59

you want to play in that story

1:08:01

? While you can , yeah .

1:08:04

You are such a writer , actor

1:08:06

, director , you're so good at summarizing

1:08:09

, you're so good at wrangling

1:08:11

my vast musings . I

1:08:13

do want to say my passion in this

1:08:16

chapter is I've gotten a few grants to

1:08:18

do more concerts and activist

1:08:21

fundraising efforts and things

1:08:23

for supporting the indigenous

1:08:25

uprising against the

1:08:27

dams that are strangling

1:08:30

our water systems and strangling

1:08:32

our rivers . Those

1:08:34

looking at the big picture , like in the

1:08:36

long run it's not good for any of

1:08:38

us . It's actually also costing so

1:08:41

much more money to maintain

1:08:43

these dams that aren't really giving us that

1:08:45

much electricity , but it's so

1:08:47

inconvenient , like to

1:08:49

get the bureaucracy moving

1:08:51

, for these companies that are making

1:08:53

money are damming

1:08:56

progress . But if we

1:08:58

can remove these dams and if we can

1:09:01

convince a national of the decision makers

1:09:03

to connect the dots through

1:09:05

music and song , to be able to zoom

1:09:07

out and say , oh , it's

1:09:09

inconvenient now but it actually

1:09:12

would help us restore

1:09:14

our ecosystems so that we all can

1:09:16

have prosperity in the long run and

1:09:20

we can have a good future for our children and we

1:09:22

can have a good future for

1:09:24

our grandchildren .

1:09:29

We're talking earlier about intuition

1:09:32

, so trusting your intuition , learning to trust

1:09:34

yourself and I know that you have this story

1:09:36

around orcas connected to this

1:09:38

, so I would love it if you could share

1:09:41

it before we go . Okay , if you insist

1:09:43

?

1:09:44

Yeah , I learned about listening

1:09:46

to my intuition in a really fun

1:09:48

way Ever since I was five . I have

1:09:51

always had recurring dreams

1:09:53

about orca whales , and

1:09:55

each dream I would be at Lyme

1:09:58

Kiln State Park on

1:10:00

San Juan Island in Washington State which

1:10:02

is Salish and Duwamish territory

1:10:04

and I would be looking

1:10:06

out in the horizon and then these orca whales

1:10:09

would start breaching from shore and

1:10:11

I would look around me

1:10:13

at the crowd forming and I would explain

1:10:15

to them oh , I dream about this , but now

1:10:17

it's happening in real life . And then I

1:10:19

would wake up and I'd be like , oh

1:10:21

darn , that didn't actually happen . And so

1:10:23

the dreams kind of evolved over my life

1:10:26

, but they happened about once a month at

1:10:28

least since I was five . Since

1:10:30

I was five , I mean free will you might

1:10:32

have like influenced it . I grew up

1:10:35

. Yeah , I mean , I watched

1:10:37

that .

1:10:37

Me too , and over and over .

1:10:39

Yeah , but I grew up in the Pacific

1:10:41

Northwest so it definitely I felt connected

1:10:44

to those waters . So then , when

1:10:46

I was in my twenties

1:10:48

, I kept on trying to make

1:10:51

this dream a reality . I went to

1:10:53

that same beach and I hoped

1:10:55

and I prayed and I was just

1:10:57

waiting . And I kind of developed

1:10:59

this game with the orcas , where I was

1:11:01

like , just for fun , if let's pretend

1:11:04

that I can communicate with you

1:11:06

telepathically , what do I need

1:11:08

to do in order to be ready for this

1:11:10

dream to happen ? You know what ? And

1:11:12

so I like brought my boyfriend

1:11:15

, who I thought was my true love , and I was like

1:11:17

they're going to approve of this man and

1:11:19

then they're going to show up and that's going to be

1:11:21

my sign that he's my true love . And

1:11:23

so I like , wow , the beach . And he

1:11:25

was like it's going to happen . And we were just like

1:11:27

waiting at shore , like nothing . So

1:11:29

now we broke up , not because

1:11:32

of the orcas fault , no

1:11:34

, I listened to them . If they don't approve , we can't date

1:11:36

. But then I

1:11:38

went with my sister . Didn't happen

1:11:40

. I was like , oh , it's about my best friend . We used

1:11:43

to watch Free Willy together when we were in preschool

1:11:45

, brought her . It didn't

1:11:47

happen . And then I finally

1:11:49

moved to DC to lobby

1:11:51

for these orca whales because the dreams

1:11:53

started changing . The dream changed

1:11:55

and I was looking out and they weren't

1:11:57

coming . I found myself in

1:12:00

a canoe . That had never happened in the dream before

1:12:02

. I had to go to this special

1:12:04

part of the waters and they

1:12:06

finally showed up and they said this is what it's going to

1:12:09

be like . If you don't do something , we're

1:12:11

not going to be able to be on earth anymore

1:12:13

, especially the southern resident killer whales

1:12:15

. They're endangered . They're not able to give

1:12:17

birth to very many babies because

1:12:19

they're so sick and starving

1:12:22

because the dams are choking the rivers

1:12:24

of salmon . And so

1:12:26

that next day my

1:12:28

friend who was in town

1:12:30

to lobby senators

1:12:32

on Arctic oil drilling

1:12:35

was staying with me in my apartment and

1:12:37

she was like oh yeah , people have that

1:12:39

dream all the time when I come to visit

1:12:41

them because my ancestors are

1:12:43

of the killer whale clan . She's indigenous

1:12:45

First Nations . She taught me so

1:12:47

much . I was formerly

1:12:50

kind of like , oh , this is so fun , I'm just using

1:12:52

my intuition for a fun tool . But it's not really

1:12:54

science . It's not scientific . So I kind of

1:12:57

pushed it down and was embarrassed about using

1:12:59

my intuition for decision making . But

1:13:02

then it made me realize that's part of colonization's

1:13:04

conditioning to de-legitimize

1:13:07

alternative you know like be

1:13:09

feeling connected to animals and nature and

1:13:11

not the Western science

1:13:13

way of measuring quote unquote truth

1:13:15

. So it was very important to learn from

1:13:18

her and four years later I

1:13:20

had fallen very ill , had to leave that

1:13:22

job and I

1:13:24

had been too sick to drive for three years

1:13:26

, couldn't drive . But I felt

1:13:29

in my bones I was like it's time

1:13:31

I need to go on my own . I'm

1:13:33

going to go on my own . I was sleeping in

1:13:35

my parents' minivan and I drove

1:13:38

myself and I listened to Sufian Stevens

1:13:40

on the way there yeah

1:13:42

, share a favorite song . And I asked

1:13:45

my heart . I was like heart

1:13:47

, okay , I'm going to let go of the outcome . If

1:13:49

you want to show yourselves , fine . If you don't

1:13:51

, that's fine . I'm truly okay

1:13:53

with either outcome . But just

1:13:55

in case , I'm going to follow my heart

1:13:58

rather than what I think is

1:14:00

the right timing or the right place , circumstance

1:14:02

with the right people and all the different

1:14:04

conditions . Yeah , yeah

1:14:07

, exactly . So I got to

1:14:09

you know Anacordis , which is where the ferry takes

1:14:11

off for San Juan Islands , and

1:14:13

someone called me who lives there , and they're

1:14:15

like , kaylee , the Orca

1:14:17

whales are here , they're swimming

1:14:19

in front of our house , and I was

1:14:22

like , okay , where should I go ? What beach

1:14:24

? And they're like , in 15 years , like we've

1:14:26

only seen them pass through this specific

1:14:28

part of the water twice . And so

1:14:30

they told me , go to this specific park

1:14:32

. And I was like , okay , I'll go to this park . And

1:14:34

in order to go to the park , you turn left

1:14:37

. And so I was about to turn left and my

1:14:39

arms turned right . Wow

1:14:41

, I was like what is happening ? It just turned

1:14:44

the wheel right . I was like , okay

1:14:46

, and I parked and

1:14:48

immediately went . Wow

1:14:51

, I'm crying . I'm like , immediately

1:14:54

as I open my door , I heard that

1:14:56

and

1:14:58

I saw this black fin

1:15:01

coming out of the lock and it

1:15:03

was like you know , I had that dream

1:15:05

so many times . This time , after so many

1:15:07

years , it was just like years of buildup

1:15:10

, years of anticipating this moment

1:15:12

. Yeah , and it had to happen

1:15:14

with me myself and I . It had to

1:15:16

happen with me not listening

1:15:18

to everyone else's idea of

1:15:21

where I was supposed to be or who I

1:15:23

was supposed to listen to or what scientifically

1:15:26

rationally made sense . But

1:15:28

that wasn't the beach . That wasn't the beach

1:15:31

that was in my dream . So the next

1:15:33

day I went to that beach . I

1:15:36

opened my door , I saw all

1:15:38

these children running to shore because

1:15:40

they had just arrived as I pulled

1:15:42

up . Oh my gosh , hundreds of miles away

1:15:44

. But they swam to that beach the next

1:15:46

day . Wow , and

1:15:49

I said if you can hear me

1:15:51

when I start singing , will

1:15:53

you breach ? I started singing

1:15:55

and they started reaching . And

1:15:58

it was my dream . And then

1:16:00

the next day I had a Celtic

1:16:02

energy healing soul piece retrieval

1:16:04

session that my Lyme disease doctors had

1:16:07

recommended that I schedule . And

1:16:09

I arrived at her house and she came out

1:16:11

and greeted me and said Kaylee , you must have

1:16:13

good whale energy because the whales are circling

1:16:16

outside . They're like following

1:16:18

you . At this point I'm following

1:16:20

them . I mean , who knows ? I

1:16:23

don't mean to be like me , centric , but I

1:16:25

was following the messages and

1:16:27

so I said I want to go reunite with them

1:16:29

after this session . Where do you think I should

1:16:31

go ? And she's like oh yeah , just turn left towards

1:16:33

this place .

1:16:34

Once again .

1:16:35

My wheel turned right and I went back to that

1:16:37

beach and on the fourth day I

1:16:39

was alone , no one else on that beach . The

1:16:41

sun was setting and I sat

1:16:44

and I sang and I had my moment

1:16:46

alone with the work of whales . Wow

1:16:49

, four days in a row . That was

1:16:51

probably the most life changing

1:16:53

, blissful memory

1:16:56

that has ever happened to me in my life . That

1:16:58

taught me the power of working

1:17:00

with your intuition and then also working

1:17:02

with science , also working with lots of perspectives

1:17:05

, taking it all into account , like

1:17:08

it's dangerous to solely listen to what you think you

1:17:10

should .

1:17:11

Well , I think our minds can often do a lot

1:17:13

of interpreting and come up with a lot of

1:17:15

stories around our gut feelings

1:17:17

, but it must have felt so

1:17:20

affirming . It sounds like so many messages

1:17:22

come to you through dreams . It's like you're

1:17:25

here to believe in your dreams

1:17:27

. Kaylie Brutale .

1:17:33

That's what I see . However

1:17:35

, I have horrific dreams too . Not

1:17:38

those ones .

1:17:38

I know where those ones .

1:17:39

But I think I need that that

1:17:42

has been an important part of my journey is that I

1:17:44

also will have to be ready

1:17:46

to accept that bad things

1:17:48

also might happen . And

1:17:50

that's what's so scary is that I was getting these

1:17:52

messages from my body Something's very wrong . It

1:17:54

was more convenient to be like listening

1:17:56

to the doctors who were like no , your gallbladder's fine

1:17:58

. So I had this worst

1:18:01

fear that there were going to

1:18:03

be complications in surgery and that something was going

1:18:05

wrong and I wasn't going to be believed . And it

1:18:07

did happen . I did have a terrible experience

1:18:09

with surgery , but I still

1:18:11

went through it and I believed

1:18:13

my nightmares and I believed my blissful dreams

1:18:15

and I worked with

1:18:18

my fear to not say go away , fear

1:18:20

, I'm going to be courageous . Courage is not the absence

1:18:22

of fear . It's encouraging

1:18:25

people to move forward , acknowledging

1:18:28

that there are challenges , there are real things

1:18:30

that are difficult to get through , but

1:18:32

having the courage to use

1:18:34

tools to move through them

1:18:37

and feel our way through and let our hearts

1:18:39

guide us through that , yeah

1:18:41

, yeah , because I do human design and so much of human

1:18:43

design is around following your intuition

1:18:45

and trusting .

1:18:46

Well , in a lot of cases , trusting your joy it's

1:18:48

not always joy necessarily

1:18:50

but following your instincts , and

1:18:53

I have to remind people that sometimes

1:18:55

your intuition takes you right into the fire

1:18:57

, like this is not actually about spiritual bypass

1:18:59

. It's our mind that wants

1:19:02

to bypass those things , that wants to dodge

1:19:04

challenge , but our souls

1:19:06

sometimes know that actually this is the experience

1:19:08

you need . It's like an initiation sometimes

1:19:11

into your full power , into

1:19:13

your highest self . And

1:19:15

so , to try , I try not to interpret

1:19:18

experience as good or bad , right

1:19:20

or wrong , it's all for me

1:19:22

in some way , and sometimes

1:19:25

, when we're listening to our intuition , it can fast

1:19:27

track you in a way right

1:19:29

, it can take you right

1:19:31

through it , because on the other side of

1:19:33

that fear is your most

1:19:35

empowered self .

1:19:37

Yeah , and it's a balance of many

1:19:39

things , because everything in moderation

1:19:41

, including moderation , everything

1:19:44

in balance , including . Sometimes

1:19:46

you're going to be out of balance for a while and

1:19:48

you can't force yourself

1:19:50

to be like I'm looking forward to this excretion

1:19:52

surgery . No

1:19:57

, that's not what I'm saying . But I feel

1:20:00

like I've had to also love myself

1:20:02

through , like it's okay to have fear about this

1:20:04

.

1:20:05

And speaking to that situation more

1:20:07

specifically and again , we don't have to

1:20:09

put everything into the episode , but , just

1:20:11

as your friend , I don't know if there's

1:20:13

actually a right way or a wrong way Like

1:20:16

if we do listen to our intuition , if we don't

1:20:18

, there's just learning and it's just experience

1:20:20

and that's what life is right

1:20:22

. So you were sort of up

1:20:25

against a situation that was really hard

1:20:28

to act on your intuition in any

1:20:30

other way , which makes it really

1:20:32

challenging , sort of like okay , well , what

1:20:34

happens when we have this really strong download

1:20:36

and the circumstances

1:20:39

of our life makes it really

1:20:41

challenging to alter the

1:20:43

course of events or exercise

1:20:46

that intuition . There's something about working

1:20:48

with the real world that is really confusing

1:20:50

and challenging at times

1:20:52

. I don't actually have all the answers of like what

1:20:54

do you do in a situation where you're like

1:20:56

I feel danger and

1:20:59

I don't actually feel like I

1:21:01

am able to exercise my power

1:21:03

in order to listen to

1:21:05

this , All the systems that you're talking about being

1:21:08

up against ? We're up against these systems

1:21:10

that disempower us , and so

1:21:12

how do we continue to hone

1:21:14

and trust our intuition and continue to

1:21:17

do our best within those systems

1:21:19

to show up for ourselves

1:21:21

, you know , and as we keep learning

1:21:23

. Maybe next time we can choose a little differently , maybe

1:21:26

not , I don't know . Like you , didn't fail

1:21:28

your intuition .

1:21:29

Your intuition spoke really clearly

1:21:31

, and there's also so much we can

1:21:33

do sometimes , yeah and my

1:21:35

intuition was telling me it would be better to go with

1:21:37

this surgeon who's listening to you

1:21:39

and has more experience , but he's $40,000

1:21:42

. So I'd chosen , went with surgeons

1:21:44

who were covered by Medicare . And

1:21:47

you're right . That's what you have to do Working

1:21:49

with your intuition , zooming

1:21:51

out and being able to see messages about how to avoid

1:21:54

certain circumstances or try to

1:21:56

listen to your dreams and meet those dreams . But

1:21:58

also you're in the real world , unfortunately

1:22:00

.

1:22:01

Yeah , so don't make any of it wrong . I think is the point , it's

1:22:03

just learning . You're right . It's very , very well said

1:22:05

. I

1:22:09

love you . You are such a profound human and

1:22:11

I am so grateful to call you my friend .

1:22:13

I've learned so much from

1:22:15

you . I've learned so much

1:22:17

. So grateful for you .

1:22:19

I'm so grateful . Ladies and gentlemen

1:22:21

. Kayleigh Pruitt-Ham .

1:22:51

Should I have expected this

1:22:53

to

1:22:55

happen somehow

1:22:57

? I

1:23:01

guess the question is , what

1:23:06

do we do now

1:23:08

? What

1:23:12

if the lovers who held up to struggle

1:23:14

so long before

1:23:16

are stunned ? What

1:23:22

if the others , our sisters and

1:23:24

brothers , don't do ? Make sure

1:23:27

, I love one . They

1:23:32

had a mission , they had

1:23:34

a vision . They kept their

1:23:36

eyes on the price

1:23:39

. If

1:23:42

that is lost and the means become

1:23:45

ends , then the people's permission

1:23:48

dies . If

1:23:53

they could speak now , whispering

1:23:55

our ear as we face

1:23:58

today , I

1:24:03

can't imagine . But if I

1:24:05

imagined , I still believe

1:24:08

they'd say Go

1:24:14

forth in love , show

1:24:17

them what you got

1:24:20

, offer

1:24:22

a new way . Go

1:24:27

, shake things up . Make

1:24:31

it look fun

1:24:33

. If he orders hate

1:24:35

, disobey . The

1:24:55

chair is only so sturdy

1:24:57

as one of four legs that

1:25:00

hold Office

1:25:05

and cabinet , only so strong

1:25:08

till all of the walls

1:25:10

they fold . You've

1:25:15

got the power . Don't play by

1:25:17

their games . Use your own better

1:25:20

rules . They

1:25:25

may have money tanks and tall

1:25:28

towers , but we still got stronger

1:25:31

tools . Go

1:25:36

, now's the time

1:25:38

. Convict

1:25:40

the crime , expose

1:25:44

greed in the light of day

1:25:46

. Go

1:25:50

, shake things up . We've

1:25:53

had enough

1:25:55

. When he orders shoot

1:25:58

, disobey . When

1:26:03

he orders hate , disobey

1:26:06

. When

1:26:10

he orders shoot , disobey

1:26:13

. Love

1:26:18

is the only way . Love

1:26:50

, love

1:27:02

, love

1:27:13

, love

1:27:20

is the only way

1:27:22

.