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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast

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. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast

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and your life will be unrecognizably successful

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. Now your host , dr Kamal

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Aftar . Hello , hello , hello

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everyone . Peace and blessings be upon all of you . Today

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I want to share insights into a natural

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repair mechanism that we all have

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. This mechanism is aimed

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at healing from burnout , stress

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and the prolonged effects of

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the fight and flight response . Many

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of us live under constant stress

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because we haven't learned to detach from

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the fear-driven response system . So

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to better explain that response , I'm

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going to describe it with the term of firefighting

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and how constant firefighting

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for us as humans is a complete

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loss . Firefighting

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is a metaphorical term which I'm using

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here to refer to you dealing with

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life's crisis , like major disagreements

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, professional setbacks , parenting

1:01

challenges and the like . These situations

1:03

demand a heightened emotional and

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mental engagement . A

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lot of times , these situations trigger our

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primal fight-or-flight response . So

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firefighting is our internal reactive

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mode of handling these immediate crises

1:18

. These firefighting episodes

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carry intense emotions , such as anger

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, defensiveness , and , while this may

1:25

be appropriate temporarily , what

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becomes unsustainable is if it's

1:29

continued . When you

1:31

react strongly during an argument

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, your mind will later keep

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replaying the event , leading

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to ongoing feelings of guilt , remorse

1:40

or anger . This mental replay

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causes prolonged reactive stress

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where the body continues to suffer

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under the strain long after the

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initial event is over . Such

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repeated stress severely impacts

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your emotional and physical health . So

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for those of you who are new at emotional regulation

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, while your initial reactions

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may be automatic , you can

2:03

learn to control your ongoing responses

2:05

. Emotions naturally

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dissipate quickly , lasting

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only about 30 to 90 seconds

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. But when we continually revisit

2:14

each moment with our thoughts , we are

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recreating these difficult emotions

2:18

in the future moments . We're

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keeping the stress alive . Understanding

2:23

this alone will help you manage and eventually

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reduce the emotional turmoil from your

2:28

past events , because when you

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catch yourself in the rumination phase

2:32

, just a dental redirection to

2:34

the current moment or future possibilities

2:37

is going to help immensely . This

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rumination is what recreates the

2:42

quote-unquote fire in your body , because

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what you recreate with your mind is very

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real to your body . The emotional

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response is proportionate to the thoughts

2:51

that you're carrying and sometimes

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even stronger when you constantly revisit

2:56

the situation , depending on

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how intensely you're thinking about it . Constant

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firefighting is unsustainable . You

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simply do not have an endless supply

3:06

of emotional energy to keep fueling

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this firefighting response . Being

3:11

in a perpetual state of firefighting

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leads to burnout . That's

3:15

what creates a lack of personal growth

3:17

and ongoing stress . My

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invite to you in this podcast is

3:21

a proactive approach to each fire

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in your life . Invite to

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you in this podcast is a proactive approach to each fire in your life . If you're

3:28

facing an undesirable situation and you do react with a heightened response

3:30

, then once the situation is over

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, I want you to spend time learning

3:34

from it . Your healing will

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come from developing strategies to

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manage or prevent future crises

3:40

. Evolving beyond the reactive

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firefighting to a more reflective

3:45

and strategic handling of life's

3:47

challenges only comes

3:49

from learning from your past . If

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you are living in a prolonged stress response

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, constantly firefighting because

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you lost your job once , or

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currently haven't gotten any interviews

4:01

, or have a disengaged spouse

4:03

or an angry teenager , or

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you didn't get accepted in the college of your choice

4:08

, not only is your body under

4:10

stress during the event , it's

4:12

under stress with the constant reimagination

4:15

of the event . So , while the

4:17

firefighting moment of an argument

4:19

or receiving hard news absolutely

4:22

calls for a higher emotional engagement

4:24

or receiving hard news

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absolutely calls for a higher emotional engagement , either anger or some other defense mechanism engagement

4:29

, which is the appropriate response , which is

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what this podcast is calling the firefighting

4:33

response . What I'm telling

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you that it is not appropriate for this high

4:37

emotional engagement to be ongoing

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, because that's what's not sustainable

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. So I can accept

4:44

and understand your heightened response to a challenging

4:46

situation , but what I will not

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accept is your passive re-engagement

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and mental reenactment

4:53

of the situation , because all

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you're doing is recreating the stress

4:57

response without having any beneficial

5:00

outcome of actually finding

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answers or solutions to your problem . Even

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if the situation in your life requires an increased emotional

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response and calls for

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more of your mental resources to be

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delegated with attention , it

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absolutely does not require your

5:17

rumination . Firefighting

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involves actions to manage

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or resolve the crisis . It's

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a way of handling immediate , urgent

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issues that arise . But

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your short-sightedness lies in

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always being reactive to these fires

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. You can absolutely have a

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high emotional engagement during a challenge

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, but you don't always have to be

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reactive , because reactivity

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is only about the short term , focusing

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on dealing with the immediate problem . It

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does not let you address the underlying

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cause and it definitely does not

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let you learn from the experience to prevent

5:54

future fires and is detrimental

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to your long-term outcome . The

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approach here is to learn from each of

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these fires and develop strategies

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to prevent or better manage future

6:06

crises . That way , you move

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beyond the reactive phase into

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a more proactive and reflective way

6:13

of handling challenges . When

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you're dealing with each specific situation

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like arguments in a relationship , then

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, after things calm down , just set

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some time aside to analyze the situation

6:25

. Now be very careful if you're doing

6:27

this for the first time , because you

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might have a tendency to fall back into

6:32

rumination to recreate the

6:34

situation and reconstruct

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the heightened emotional response of guilt

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, regret or anger . That's

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not what I'm asking when

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I ask you to recreate the situation

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for learning purposes with your mind . I'm

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asking you to analyze and learn from

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it . I'm asking you to break it

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down and come to it with neutrality

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, and the best way to do it

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is to write about it Once

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you've released the emotional charge that's

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attached to your situation , by writing

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about it on paper , then come back

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to it and analyze it at another time

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. The goal here is

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for thoughtful reflection post-conflict

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, because if you keep jumping

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from conflict to conflict , never having

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learned a lesson in between of how to

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respond effectively , there will be

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no harmony in between of how to respond effectively

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, there

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will be no harmony in your relationships , there will be no growth in your career

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, there will be no improvement in your financial independence goals

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. So this level of mind management requires

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reflection after reactivity

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. Let's say , if it's

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a professional setback , this is your

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invite to reassess so that you

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can respond to the situation in a more constructive

7:42

manner . A non-judgmental

7:45

self-reflection is called for . What

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can you do about it without being a victim of the

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situation or without internalizing

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the setback , without making

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it mean that you are the failure rather

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than you suffered from a failure ? We

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are shifting away from fear-based response

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in the post-firefighting phase . After

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you have self-regulated from the heightened

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emotional response to the stressful situation

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and you have de-escalated yourself

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to a more level-headed position , then

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it's time for you to go into a more

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forward-thinking approach . It's

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time for you to go into a more forward-thinking approach . This is where the healing

8:23

lies . This is where your opportunity to minimize future occurrences

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lies . This is where you can optimize your response

8:27

to the situation for a long-term benefit

8:30

. This is where you actually

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get to design your life you envisioned . If

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you're trying to be a more gentle and effective

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parent than always just reacting

8:40

to your child's behaviors , then

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during the reflection time , develop future

8:44

strategies for a calm , reflective

8:47

response . Over time , this

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constant core correction through self-engagement

8:51

will lead you to be a much more effective

8:54

and empathic parent than

8:56

constantly fighting fires . Constant

8:59

firefighting in your life is a sure-shot

9:01

way to create burnout . Coaching

9:05

in that way is an extremely effective tool

9:07

for you to move from reactive to

9:09

proactive responses , which

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lets you handle crises effectively , focuses

9:14

on your growth and sustainability . Successful

9:17

management of a crisis situation

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does not mean minimizing

9:22

its severity , nor does it

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mean that you don't do damage control . It

9:27

just means learning and reflecting

9:29

, developing proactive mindset

9:31

that reduces the frequency and

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the future emotional impact of such

9:35

situations on yourself , meaning

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future episodes don't derail you

9:40

as much and you are less and less

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reactive each time , meaning

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you will have less cleaning up to do . After the fact

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, your life is

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a curriculum that is handed to you specifically

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for your growth and development , specifically

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written for you by Allah SWT

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. This exact life that

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you're living is your opportunity to awaken

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your inner intelligence . Each

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crisis is a lesson in this textbook

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that is your life , and the successful

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passing of the lesson quiz comes

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from you learning how to respond differently

10:12

each time in each future situation

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. I do believe that this is

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the whole point of us being alive . This

10:19

level of personal and internal development

10:21

is what our life is designed to

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do , especially when all of this

10:25

work brings us closer to Allah SWT In

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an escalated situation . With this

10:31

method , you will learn to regulate yourself

10:33

, to manage your emotional responses

10:35

through your thoughts , and the point of

10:37

change always lies with your thoughts

10:39

. Restoring long-term

10:41

harmony comes from dismantling

10:44

the event and learning from it with

10:46

a grounded presence , not while

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you're in a fight response . If

10:50

you want your future life to be different than what's

10:52

going on now , going from argument

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to argument , fire to fire then

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you will have to engage with each incident

10:59

in a way where you can retroactively

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deconstruct the situation and

11:04

learn from it for your own benefit . And

11:07

that level of groundedness requires

11:10

mind management . It requires

11:12

for you to be able to think about your thinking

11:15

and for you to be able to direct your

11:17

mind in order to take charge of

11:19

the situation . If

11:21

you're constantly firefighting , you're

11:23

losing Life's quote-unquote

11:26

. Fires require your engagement

11:28

, but they don't need to consume

11:31

your calm . Manage them

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, don't let them manage you . You're

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losing precious energy if you're using

11:38

mental real estate constantly

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fighting fires . You can otherwise

11:43

use this energy to build and

11:45

construct your envisioned life . You

11:48

will be losing your physical health because

11:50

of a constant cortisol response in

11:52

your body and stress hormone release

11:54

. People who are only

11:56

used to putting up fires will wait

11:58

for a crisis before acting or

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they will create conflicts and fires

12:03

because their mind craves stimulation

12:05

a lot of times , subconsciously

12:07

. This is a rather ineffective

12:09

way of living , to say the least , but

12:12

for sure it's a way to create burnout

12:14

, because high constant energy

12:16

mode is not sustainable . Because high

12:19

constant energy mode is not sustainable , in

12:25

medical terms it's called the activation of hypothalamus , pituitary adrenal axis arousal

12:28

or HPA axis arousal . If you're always putting

12:30

out fires , you're not letting yourself

12:32

recover . You are not letting

12:34

yourself heal . Firefighting

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is a temporary response , not a sustainable

12:40

lifestyle . You know

12:42

you have successfully curved your habit

12:44

of firefighting if you learn and grow

12:46

from each crisis and develop a proactive

12:48

mindset . That way these

12:50

crises become more infrequent and

12:53

are manageable if they do happen . Now

12:57

you can get coached to put fires out

12:59

. But most importantly , you

13:01

do that so you can have well-being , so

13:03

you're not going through your life just

13:05

dealing with crisis . A

13:08

lot of people come to me for coaching

13:10

in an acute firefighting phase

13:12

. A lot of women come

13:14

to coaching in an exhaustion burnout

13:17

phase . Each

13:19

confrontation , each challenge

13:21

in life teaches a lesson . Miss

13:23

the lesson and the cycle will repeat . If

13:27

you're not sure whether you're firefighting

13:29

in your life or not , then here are some examples

13:31

. You might find yourself saying

13:33

things like why does this keep happening

13:36

to me ? Why is my child growing

13:38

up to be disrespectful ? No

13:45

matter what I do , nothing makes a difference . I always have to clean up after everyone else's mistakes

13:47

. No matter how much I plan , something always goes wrong . Why

13:50

does every conversation with my husband turn into

13:52

an argument ? Why am I the only one

13:54

trying to fix things ? Or

13:57

, if you're like me , you lose your

13:59

mind when the landscaper cuts the wires

14:01

to your Ramadan holiday decoration in the

14:03

front of your house . I

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mean two years in a row . Firefighting

14:08

for me is blaming him for how irresponsible

14:11

he is for doing that . I want

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to let him go of his landscaping responsibilities

14:15

. When I'm in the recovery phase , I

14:17

can see that I didn't tell him to be careful

14:19

. I didn't even warn him that

14:22

there are going to be wires outside , because he

14:24

trims the hedges during the day when

14:26

the decorative lights are not on . So

14:28

during my reconstruction phase , I come up

14:30

with ideas of how to handle the situation

14:32

differently next time . That's the power

14:34

of coaching . I didn't always used

14:37

to be that way . The

14:39

problem isn't the crisis . It's

14:41

in you , not learning from the experience

14:43

. It's about management . Failing

14:46

to evolve is where you've missed the opportunity

14:48

. This involves employing a level

14:51

of intelligence that is hidden from

14:53

most people , but everyone

14:55

carries it . This is a form

14:57

of whole brain intelligence , or what

14:59

I call SQ soulful

15:01

intelligence . I

15:04

teach a method of waking up your inner intelligence

15:06

that Allah gave you so

15:08

that you can deal with the exact life that you've

15:10

been given . As a

15:13

coach , I help you through guided discussions

15:15

, reflective exercises , supportive

15:17

encouragement . I

15:23

facilitate a process of exploring and developing this inner resource . Coaching for well-being

15:25

, not just for crisis management

15:27

. You get a lot of support

15:29

until you've learned how to be your own authority

15:32

in your life , but eventually the biggest

15:34

outcomes is that you prevent fires

15:36

, and if there are fires

15:38

, they're few and far between . They

15:40

don't leave you consumed and you

15:42

deal with them in a way that you don't later

15:45

regret , so that you're not constantly

15:47

burning the candle from both ends . There

15:53

is a noticeable difference in the demeanor and energy of someone who has benefited from coaching

15:55

. There's something palpable

15:57

but really yet indescribable

16:00

about them . Other people around

16:02

them feel it when such

16:04

a woman who's been coached and manages

16:06

her mind and self-regulates when

16:09

she enters a room , her evolved

16:11

presence is immediately apparent

16:13

to everyone , even if

16:15

they can't put their finger on it . Women

16:19

who have engaged with deep personal

16:21

development treat each crisis

16:23

like a lesson to be mastered . In

16:26

a moment that demands a firefighting response

16:28

, they act decisively to

16:30

protect themselves and limit the damage . But

16:33

she also recognizes that resolving the immediate

16:35

issue is just the beginning . But

16:37

she also recognizes that resolving the immediate issue is just

16:40

the beginning . The true lesson is in the learning from these experiences

16:42

. Unresolved crises lead to a life of

16:44

firefighting rather than fireproofing

16:46

. So what we've learned so

16:48

far is a chronic state of stress

16:50

that stems from the unrelenting

16:53

firefighting response , often

16:59

triggered by life's quote-unquote , metaphorical fires , challenges like disputes

17:01

, setbacks , failures . These situations prompt a

17:04

response of heightened emotional reactions

17:06

. But prolonged state

17:08

of such reactions create burnout

17:11

until life starts

17:13

to look like the opposite of what you want

17:15

it to be . The reason of

17:17

a triggered state persisting beyond

17:19

the immediate moment is

17:21

that you mentally replay the confrontations

17:24

, the failures , the mishaps , re-triggering

17:27

the stress response . The emotions

17:30

from the moment do not last that

17:32

long . The heightened emotions are

17:34

recreated in each moment with

17:36

your thoughts . I'm hoping that

17:38

you will shift from reactive to a

17:40

more proactive , reflective approach

17:42

learning from each crisis

17:44

to better manage your life , because

17:47

constant firefighting is a loss

17:49

and the aftermath of

17:51

adversity lays the groundwork

17:53

for a more intentional life . With

17:56

that , I pray to Allah SWT for a more intentional life . With that , I

17:58

pray to Allah SWT . O Allah the most merciful , please

18:03

allow us to come across resources that give us a fulfilling life

18:05

, one that we can live

18:07

by being closer to you . O

18:09

Allah , make this podcast

18:11

a key to understanding and healing and

18:14

make it a means to overcome stress

18:16

and burnout . Make this podcast

18:19

a wasila to enlighten and assist

18:21

the listeners , guiding

18:23

you guys away from relentless

18:25

cycles of stress and towards a path

18:27

of self-awareness and recovery . O

18:30

Allah , provide us the tools needed to

18:32

detach from a fear-driven response

18:34

so that we can embrace our life

18:36

of peace and proactive growth , especially

18:39

in our spirituality . Ameen

18:41

, ya Rabbul Ameen , please keep me

18:43

in your draaz . I will talk to you guys

18:45

next time .