0:05

Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast

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. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast

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and your life will be unrecognizably

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successful . Now your host , dr

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Kamal Atar . Hello , hello , hello

0:16

everyone . Peace and blessings be upon all of you . Alhamdulillah

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, I find myself humbly grateful for

0:22

the opportunity to see the deeper connections

0:24

between Islam , psychology and neurobiology

0:26

. Through this synthesis of knowledge

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, I'm able to approach complex issues

0:30

and create simple perspectives

0:33

on them . Today's podcast happens

0:35

to be one of those topics , and

0:37

when I started implementing the understanding

0:40

of spiritual bypassing in my life , it

0:42

had profound effects . The explanations

0:45

I've created around spiritual bypassing

0:47

allows me to challenge and correct

0:49

the misconceptions that cloud

0:52

your understanding of mental health

0:54

and spiritual well-being , and

0:56

, as I share this knowledge , I'm going to constantly

0:59

be learning from my experiences and

1:02

insights of my listeners , and it's an ongoing

1:04

process . But what is particularly

1:06

gratifying to me is the ability to

1:08

provide my listeners with the language

1:11

and techniques that you guys need to

1:13

empower yourselves . So

1:15

, if it hasn't come across already , this topic

1:17

is near and dear to my heart , because I

1:20

absolutely was a victim of this . So

1:22

I'm very passionate about the proper understanding

1:25

of this term and what is being used appropriately

1:27

and when is it being

1:29

used to distance you from your religion

1:31

. I am all about empowerment

1:33

, which is not just about imparting my knowledge

1:36

onto you , but rather

1:38

it's about enabling you to apply these

1:40

insights into your daily lives . So

1:43

let's imagine you are a self-help enthusiast

1:45

and you're trying to find ways to help yourself

1:47

to feel better , to accomplish your goals

1:49

, to go out in the world , and

1:52

you find some cheap or free

1:54

resources that claim to do exactly

1:56

all of that . What I want you to be extra

1:58

careful with here is that you will

2:01

come across resources that will use spiritual

2:03

bypassing as a concept

2:05

against you , and this is what

2:07

creates quite a bit of confusion . So

2:10

watch out for the resources that claim to help

2:12

you but increase your frustration

2:14

and workload . So first

2:16

let's just start with defining spiritual

2:18

bypassing . It's a term that was

2:20

coined by John Wellwood in the mid-1980s

2:24

and it identifies a critical

2:26

concern , meaning , when used appropriately

2:28

, this is extremely therapeutic and healing

2:30

. The definition I found of

2:33

spiritual bypassing is that it's

2:35

the use of spiritual ideas and practices

2:38

to sidestep genuine

2:40

emotional turmoil or psychological

2:42

wounds , and I'm going to explain it in different

2:44

words so it lands differently for you . It's

2:47

basically saying that it's the inappropriate

2:49

application of faith based principle

2:51

to gloss over and

2:53

almost ignore deep-seated feelings

2:56

, in other words , forcing yourself

2:58

to believe a religious dogma without

3:00

proper healing of the psyche , bypassing

3:03

your wound , a negative , difficult

3:06

emotion , and rushing to believe

3:08

what everyone else in your faith system

3:10

believes , just to help yourself feel

3:12

better sooner . When you

3:14

use spiritual or religious teachings

3:16

to sidestep your experience , this

3:19

is when it's being used inappropriately

3:21

. That's when it turns into spiritual

3:23

bypassing . You cannot ignore

3:25

or rush to move past your pain

3:28

or emotional distress without truly

3:30

addressing the underlying issue . In

3:32

cases like this , scriptures and spiritual

3:35

practices are used more as a cover-up

3:37

for pain rather than a tool

3:39

for genuine healing and understanding

3:41

. Islam and all of its teachings truly

3:44

hold the capacity for genuine healing

3:46

, and I'm going to give you guys

3:48

examples of spiritual bypassing , and

3:51

then I'll show you how religious teachings

3:53

can be appropriately used to create

3:55

healing of emotions and psyche . A

3:58

client once shared a story with me where

4:01

she was in residency and it was interrupted

4:03

because of her pregnancy and lack

4:05

of support at home . Then she finally

4:07

got into a residency after she had children

4:10

, and this was a unique circumstance

4:12

because it's very rare for somebody to

4:14

interrupt their medical career for that long

4:16

and then go back to residency and

4:19

get accepted . So she was very excited

4:21

and very grateful , but at the same

4:23

time she was absolutely panicking

4:25

Because for her now that

4:27

meant that she can't spend that much time

4:29

with her kids . Her constant fear

4:32

was that I'm abandoning my kids

4:34

. But she also believed that she

4:36

was made for something more , something

4:38

different . She believed that she is

4:40

smart and she's hardworking , but

4:42

she kept constantly having this dilemma

4:44

where she kept saying that I am thankful

4:47

but I'm also afraid . So

4:50

spiritual bypassing in this example is

4:52

that of the pain , of panic and fear

4:54

, when you're not acknowledging

4:57

this panic , that your schedule will

4:59

change , your fear that you might

5:01

not be able to spend as much time with your kids

5:03

. And when you use religious teachings

5:05

to try to force gratefulness on

5:08

yourself just so you don't have to deal

5:10

with the panic that's coming up . That's a classic

5:12

example of spiritual bypassing , and

5:15

that's exactly what she was doing Since

5:17

she has decided to pursue residency

5:19

and there might be a change in how much time

5:21

she is spending with the kids . Bypassing

5:24

here is done with the burden of gratitude

5:26

. I should be thankful for what

5:28

I have . Why do I want more

5:30

? Allah has already blessed me with

5:33

a family , resources and support . I

5:35

should be thankful . But yet here

5:37

I am . I want to pursue a medical career

5:39

. So on one hand lies her ambition

5:42

and her unique opportunity

5:44

to go through residency that she already

5:46

worked really hard to get into . But

5:48

when the acceptance letter came , that's

5:50

when the panic and fear set in , the

5:53

fear of change of the status quo , and

5:55

she started using religious teachings of gratitude

5:57

to bury her panic and fear . So

6:00

if you're interested in how it turned out in the end

6:02

, we coached through all of this and

6:04

, alhamdulillah , in the end she was feeling

6:06

rather complete and healed , because

6:09

once she was able to acknowledge

6:11

the pain of panic and fear

6:13

, she was able to lean into

6:15

it and explore it and she found

6:17

gratitude on the other side of it , because

6:20

she is now grateful that she has a supportive

6:23

family , healthy children and

6:25

a chance to finish her career , alhamdulillah

6:28

. So much to be grateful for there . So

6:30

this is how we use spiritual bypassing

6:32

to hurt ourselves and this is exactly

6:35

how we can use the same exact

6:37

religious teachings to advance ourselves

6:39

. Then I had another client

6:41

who used spiritual bypassing in

6:44

the setting of her second marriage after a

6:46

previous divorce . She said I'm really

6:48

scared to move forward , even though

6:50

this guy has been nothing but nice to

6:52

me and my family , but I have faith

6:54

that whatever Allah has in store for me will

6:57

happen . Spiritual bypassing is

6:59

that of the fear that there is a chance that

7:01

her second marriage also might end up failing

7:03

. And for her she

7:11

was doing spiritual bypassing by forcing herself to believe in qadr , meaning if a divorce in the

7:13

future is meant to happen , it will Not understanding that she might

7:15

be creating those circumstances by

7:17

burying her fear deep down inside in

7:19

spiritual teachings . But even the

7:21

mere acknowledgement of the fear made

7:24

her sound ungrateful and in denial

7:26

of her predestination . So

7:28

there was so much pain coming from her

7:30

not acknowledging that fear and

7:32

when we coached through that , it dissolved

7:35

immediately because all

7:37

this time , alhamdulillah , she was in

7:39

acceptance of the qadr , her predestination

7:41

, which is that this guy was in her

7:43

life and wanted to marry her and

7:45

loved her and adored her and

7:48

respected her family and had religious

7:50

values . But what she was doing in

7:52

her own spiritual bypassing is sidestepping

7:55

her fear and forcing herself

7:57

to believe whatever is supposed to happen will

7:59

happen , when in reality she was

8:01

overplaying her fear of the worst-case

8:03

scenario in the future . These

8:06

are true , real-life examples and

8:08

sprinkled throughout these episodes are more and

8:10

more solutions to this . What

8:12

makes spiritual bypassing a particularly

8:14

loaded idea to me is its potential

8:17

misuse in the hands of secularly

8:19

trained mental health professionals . These

8:22

providers lacking a nuanced understanding

8:24

of religious teachings and lacking the

8:26

understanding of role of religion in the

8:28

personal development of Muslims , they

8:30

automatically conclude that religious

8:33

practices are ineffective or

8:35

even detrimental in mental health

8:37

scenarios , again , the argument

8:39

being that the reliance on spiritual

8:41

teachings is a form of avoidance rather

8:44

than a pathway of healing . And I've already

8:46

given you evidence of how that is actually happening

8:48

, and it is true . But there's

8:50

plenty more evidence how spirituality

8:53

can be used for healing , when used

8:55

appropriately , and should be used

8:57

for healing , if anything , that needs to

8:59

be the primary mode of healing . So

9:02

what is the balanced perspective here ? While

9:04

it's true that spiritual bypassing

9:06

is a risk , particularly

9:08

when religious teachings are used to

9:10

superficially or quickly

9:12

escape from pain , it does not

9:15

diminish the profound positive

9:17

impact that religious teachings have when

9:19

applied with depth and understanding

9:21

. Spirituality , when integrated

9:24

thoughtfully with psychological practices

9:26

, offers a rich , layered

9:29

approach to dealing with emotional pain

9:31

and psychological wounds . And

9:33

, most importantly , bypassing

9:36

can be and is used using

9:38

any belief system , not just

9:41

with religious beliefs , and I will tell

9:43

you more about that in a minute . Some

9:45

secularly trained psychologists , psychotherapists

9:48

, either intentionally or unintentionally

9:51

use the definition of spiritual

9:53

bypassing to discredit spiritual

9:56

and religious practices in mental

9:58

health contexts , which is a

10:00

huge disservice . And

10:02

this is exactly what Muslims are victim

10:04

to when they go out and try and find

10:06

a mental health professional for themselves who

10:09

is not a Muslim . An extreme

10:11

example of spiritual bypassing is when women

10:13

are facing abuse but are told to

10:15

hush hush in the name of religion , keep

10:18

the ties of kinship In the meanwhile

10:20

, there's clear physical , financial or

10:22

emotional abuse . The practice of always

10:24

constructing others' negative behavior

10:27

as positive or making numerous

10:29

excuses for them in the name of religion

10:31

is a classic example of

10:33

spiritual bypassing . That is overt

10:36

spiritual bypassing , meaning something that

10:38

we can easily recognize , and it's

10:40

actually a form of spiritual abuse . But

10:42

there are a lot of covert ways

10:44

we are engaging in spiritual bypassing . When

10:47

you constantly redirect your thoughts to

10:49

only see the good in others , regardless

10:52

of their inappropriate , rude or harsh

10:54

behavior , you are ignoring

10:56

your own feelings and needs . This

10:59

isn't about being forgiving or empathic

11:01

. It's a denial of your own experience

11:03

. This is the ultimate form

11:05

of sidestepping your pain . It's like

11:08

telling yourself that your feelings don't matter

11:10

that your perceptions are invalid

11:12

and that your well-being is secondary

11:15

, and it comes only after maintaining

11:17

a facade of harmony and understanding

11:19

. This is a subtle yet profound

11:22

form of self-betrayal . By consistently

11:24

neglecting your own emotions and

11:26

needs , you diminish your sense

11:28

of self-worth and self-respect , until

11:31

that self-worth totally disappears

11:33

. This leads to a further build-up

11:35

of unaddressed emotions like resentment

11:38

, frustration , sadness , which

11:40

, if all of that is left unchecked , will

11:43

be harmful to your mental and emotional

11:45

well-being . All of this

11:47

keeps you from further learning how to

11:49

create healthy boundaries , how to

11:51

have honest communication in your relationships

11:53

. The phenomena of

11:55

spiritual bypassing in the

11:58

realm of organized religion can

12:00

escalate to the point that it constitutes

12:03

spiritual abuse . So

12:05

recently I coached a client who is highly

12:07

effective in her professional life and actively

12:09

volunteers in the non-profit space

12:12

. She encountered a challenging individual

12:14

and for the purposes of this story

12:16

we will just call her her manager . The

12:19

manager , according to my client , obstructs

12:21

this implementation of ideas and

12:24

she does it for seemingly egotistical reasons

12:26

. Like if a team collectively decides

12:28

on an approach , the manager insists

12:31

on having the final say and gets

12:33

upset when she's not consulted for

12:35

approval . And without

12:37

my understanding of the specific organizational

12:39

structure of this nonprofit , it's not

12:41

my place to label this manager as inherently

12:44

problematic , but the core issue

12:46

that my client faced is a form

12:48

of spiritual bypassing , a reluctance

12:51

to acknowledge difficulty she faces

12:53

at her volunteer job . She

12:55

wishes to see the best in her manager

12:57

to the extent that the sole reason

12:59

that she came to that appointment was

13:02

to get my advice on how to gently persuade

13:05

this person to change her behavior . Newsflash

13:08

, you can't make anybody

13:10

change their behavior . That's their right

13:12

. If the manager is not open to

13:14

advice , then it doesn't matter

13:17

how you deliver it , bluntly or

13:19

gently , she's not going to listen . The

13:21

manager's behavior isn't the problem

13:23

. The problem was that my client's

13:25

inability to recognize this

13:28

lack of receptiveness from the

13:30

manager was causing my

13:32

client stress . She was sidestepping

13:35

her stress by forcing herself to see

13:37

the good in her manager . The

13:39

key ingredient here is just acknowledgement

13:42

, not minimization , especially

13:44

under the guise of religious values

13:46

. Accepting that your nervous system

13:49

is telling you that this is a challenging individual

13:51

, and not to rush to empathize

13:54

with their point of view . And this is not

13:56

about assigning blame or passing

13:58

judgment . It's not about me asking

14:00

you to stay in judgment . It's

14:02

only about understanding your own

14:04

reactions and emotions . Alhamdulillah

14:07

, I'm very encouraged by the progress we've made

14:09

with the Muslim Mental Health Initiative and

14:12

I'm seeing more and more positive changes . But

14:14

living in a majority non-Muslim country

14:16

, you have a high chance of coming

14:18

across mental health professionals like

14:21

psychologists , psychotherapists or social

14:23

workers who may use spiritual bypassing

14:26

as a tool against you . Because

14:28

of their own inherent biases , they

14:30

might end up using your religion and your faith

14:32

against you , and this is

14:34

particularly evident when such professionals

14:37

label religious teachings as outdated

14:39

or archaic or , worse

14:41

, they make you believe that you might be using

14:43

faith as a scapegoat for your personal

14:46

challenges and shortcomings . This

14:48

is a disturbing trend where the

14:50

richness and depth of Islamic teachings

14:52

are not only misunderstood but

14:54

also misrepresented . When

14:57

a mental health professional casts doubt

14:59

on value of your religious beliefs , it

15:01

will inevitably lead for you to

15:03

have conflict between your faith and the

15:05

therapeutic process . This is obviously

15:08

harmful . Faith modalities

15:10

are monumentally therapeutic , especially

15:13

as they are taught to us in Islam . There

15:15

are five necessities of Islam , and

15:18

they are preservation of religion , life

15:20

, intellect , lineage

15:22

and wealth . The main reason behind

15:25

all of this is to protect a person's well-being

15:27

. When religion is

15:29

criticized for enabling spiritual

15:31

bypassing , it's because there's an element

15:34

of truth to it . But listen to

15:36

me carefully here . This phenomenon

15:38

is not exclusive to religious practices

15:41

and it's definitely not exclusive just

15:43

to Islam . Any wholesome or

15:45

constructive activity , any

15:47

religious activity , if used

15:49

inappropriately , can serve as

15:51

a means to spiritual bypassing . Activities

15:54

that are usually seen as positive and beneficial

15:57

, such as intense fitness

15:59

regimens , traveling , cleaning or

16:01

even organizing . If used compulsively

16:04

, all of these can become vehicles

16:07

for avoidance , especially if

16:09

they are used to sidestep dealing with deeper

16:11

emotional issues or psychological challenges

16:13

. Let's take an intense

16:15

fitness regimen , for example . Exercising

16:18

is undoubtedly beneficial for your physical

16:20

and mental health , but if you rely

16:22

solely on a belief that your body is the ultimate

16:25

sanctuary , to an extreme , that

16:27

you worship that vessel , the body

16:29

can become the source of spiritual bypassing

16:32

. When you exercise excessively

16:34

to avoid confronting emotional pain

16:36

or difficult life situations

16:38

, this constant redirection

16:40

of focus on physical fitness will

16:43

overshadow the need to address

16:45

underlying emotional distress . This

16:47

is the very definition of bypassing

16:49

. When you're traveling , let's

16:51

say , and you love to travel , but

16:54

it becomes a means to escape any

16:56

personal issue that transforms

16:58

into a kind of spiritual bypassing

17:00

. The constant change of scenery

17:02

provides relief relief but ultimately

17:05

delays the necessary process of

17:07

facing and resolving internal conflict

17:09

. Or incessant cleaning

17:11

, for example , or organization

17:13

. All of these are other examples . These

17:16

activities create a sense of order

17:18

and control , and they can also

17:20

become a method of avoiding deeper

17:22

emotional or psychological turmoil

17:24

. Islamic religious teachings

17:26

are not the only factor used

17:28

in bypassing . Bypassing

17:31

is a result of a human being's primal

17:34

need to quickly get out of pain

17:36

and find relief , and people

17:38

escape with all sorts of methods

17:40

. These days , the key issue

17:43

with bypassing is not the activity itself

17:45

, but rather how and

17:47

why it's being used . Any

17:49

activity , no matter how positive it is

17:51

, can become a form of avoidance

17:53

if it's used to bypass

17:55

the necessary work of confronting emotional

17:58

pain . You need to process

18:00

that at a different level . No

18:02

amount of avoidance will heal that . There

18:04

are not enough TV shows , there are not

18:07

enough travel destinations in the world for

18:09

you to heal that . So don't fall

18:11

for the secularly sound warning of

18:14

you might be a victim of spiritual

18:16

bypassing just because you're a Muslim

18:18

. Most humans on the planet

18:20

are engaging in some form of bypassing

18:22

. They might be using yoga practices

18:25

, buddhism teachings or even atheism

18:27

to do it . Bypassing

18:29

is a shortcoming of a human , not a

18:31

religion . When someone blames

18:33

religion for this , it's their attempt to

18:35

seek easy solutions to complex

18:37

problems , and in doing so they

18:40

misuse the religious teachings as an

18:42

easy scapegoat . Doing

18:44

so , they misuse the religious teachings as an easy scapegoat and , on top of that , it

18:46

is also not helpful when the Muslim religious clergy

18:48

is not that well educated on how

18:51

to hold space for another human being In

18:53

that context . What ends up happening is they

18:55

impart advice on how to believe harder

18:58

, on how to focus on this

19:00

ayah rather than that one , focus

19:02

on this teaching rather than that one . In

19:05

the meanwhile , the problem remains hidden

19:07

and unaddressed . Again

19:10

, the solution to recognizing this

19:12

dichotomy is the one that I'm teaching

19:14

you in this podcast Be open

19:16

to acknowledging any pain that you're creating

19:18

, because healing only comes

19:20

after recognition . Spiritual

19:22

bypassing is absolutely real . It

19:25

happens using the teachings of Islam

19:27

, just like it happens using

19:29

the teaching of any religion . It's

19:32

a product of primal need to escape

19:34

pain the quickest possible way

19:36

. People use gadgets , shopping

19:38

, legal and illegal substances

19:41

for bypassing all the time . So

19:43

next time you get a hint that someone's trying

19:45

to distort the true essence of religious

19:47

teachings by showing you evidence

19:50

of spiritual bypassing as

19:52

it's used in Islam , you're welcome

19:54

to give them a piece of your mind , like

19:56

I sometimes do . Or you're

19:58

welcome to formulate your own understanding

20:01

from this podcast and show them

20:03

their bias if they're ready

20:05

to see it . If not , that's

20:07

fine . Also , their understanding

20:09

has no bearing on how you practice your

20:11

faith . If your mental wellness resources

20:14

only include non-Muslim professionals

20:16

, then use them , but just be

20:18

aware of this entity . While

20:21

spiritual bypassing is a real and

20:23

serious issue in organized religion , the

20:25

solution isn't in renouncing the

20:28

religion , because then some other

20:30

type of bypassing will start to occupy

20:32

your psyche . Solution is to

20:35

address the human need of a quick

20:37

escape and address it in

20:39

the most loving and self-compassionate

20:41

way . Again , bypassing

20:43

isn't happening because of the teachings of Islam

20:46

. It's happening because of the human

20:48

need of escape . So even if

20:50

you distance yourself from your faith

20:52

based on other people's warnings

20:54

and misunderstandings , as they're defining

20:56

spiritual bypassing , it's not

20:59

going to solve for your underlying

21:01

need for escape . You will end

21:03

up at the crossroads where you will be forced

21:05

to look at why you are in pain and

21:07

what can you do about it . And

21:10

spiritual bypassing takes many forms

21:12

. It's just a hasty adoption

21:14

of religious forgiveness practices without

21:17

genuinely addressing your feelings of

21:19

hurt or violation . Spiritual bypassing

21:22

is forced and coercive and it's

21:24

non-healing . It overlooks your

21:26

injury . And this type of

21:28

mentality is many times imposed

21:30

by many external factors , like community

21:32

expectations , religious leaders or

21:35

even well-meaning family and friends . You

21:37

will feel pressured to quote unquote

21:39

get over your emotions quickly in

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order to appear more spiritually evolved

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, in order for you to not cause

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discomfort to people around you . And

21:49

the lack of healing and propagation

21:51

of spiritual bypassing comes

21:54

from the disconnect between your inner

21:56

emotional reality and your

21:58

outward display of spirituality

22:00

. Some signs that you're engaging

22:03

in spiritual bypassing is that

22:05

you will feel like you're pushing yourself to adopt

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tranquility and forgiveness while

22:09

ignoring your genuine feelings of pain

22:12

, anger or grief . This

22:14

forced positivity or

22:16

premature forgiveness is

22:19

deeply harmful . It invalidates

22:21

your authentic emotional experience

22:23

and it blocks your natural healing

22:25

process . I see this time and time

22:27

again in coaching sessions , where

22:29

the natural healing process takes over

22:32

within seconds when clients realize

22:34

where they've been bypassing

22:36

their pain and that healing comes

22:38

with profound and deep attachment

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to the divine . Alhamdulillah , allah

22:45

SWT says in the Quran . Indeed , in

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the remembrance of Allah do hearts find

22:49

rest . Surah Ra'd 13

22:51

, ayah 28 . True peace

22:54

and relief from stress comes

22:56

from spiritual activities and remembering

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God . I believe it to my

23:00

core , but you cannot bypass

23:03

your humanness , even if it

23:05

is with a religion . My

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commitment to the organized religion of Islam

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is a conscious choice , distinct

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and separate from any inclination

23:15

towards spiritual bypassing . The

23:17

elements of my faith offer me a solid

23:19

grounding , feed me with beliefs

23:22

and values that are the bedrock of

23:24

my existence . These teachings

23:26

, particularly my belief in

23:28

Allah's mercy , his love for

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His creation , serve as

23:32

a foundational pillar that supports

23:34

me in time of challenge and turmoil

23:37

. With that I pray to Allah

23:39

SWT . Ya Allah , ya

23:41

Kareem , ya Raheem , help

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us avoid the pitfalls of spiritual bypassing

23:46

, where we might use our faith

23:48

to escape rather than

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heal . Guide us to apply

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our religious teachings with depth and

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sincerity . Protect

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us from misusing our faith as a veil for our struggles and instead , o Allah

24:02

, help us to use it as a means for genuine

24:04

healing and growth . Grant us the

24:06

clarity to recognize the truth

24:08

hidden within our souls and

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the pain behind it . Give

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us the courage to confront our own

24:14

emotional and spiritual challenges . Ya

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Allah , bless all of those who seek

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your guidance and make our paths

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towards you clear and filled

24:24

with your light . Ameen , ya Rabbul

24:26

Alameen , please keep me in your du'as . I

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will talk to you guys next time .