0:00

Give a little time for the child within

0:03

you, don't be afraid to be young and

0:05

free. Undo the locks and throw

0:07

away the keys and take off your shoes and

0:09

socks and run you. It's

0:11

Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's

0:14

Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, and

0:16

yeah, I read it on the

0:18

internet. Oh, sounds

0:21

to me like we might have

0:23

a new entry in

0:26

our now legendary long

0:29

running set time. Two

0:32

times is legendary, right? When you do

0:34

something once, it's kind of a test

0:36

and then second time, boom, legendary status.

0:39

Yeah, I mean, so for

0:41

folks who weren't listening before, or last

0:43

week on the program, I would have,

0:46

we introduced a new segment called

0:49

I read it on social

0:51

media. Now Jordan has changed the name

0:53

of that segment to I read

0:56

it on the internet, which admittedly

0:59

is probably better. Kind of a lateral move. Yeah, sort

1:01

of a lateral move. I

1:03

read- I wasn't aggressive

1:05

by the way, Jesse. I wasn't trying

1:07

to like, you know, punch you up

1:09

or anything. I just remembered it differently.

1:11

Incorrect. So, I read a question, I

1:13

read a request for legal help from

1:16

a harpist who was not

1:18

being allowed to use his building's elevator,

1:21

not escalator. You'd hate to have somebody

1:23

get on an escalator with a harp.

1:25

That's danger. Sure, right? Get

1:27

those strings caught in the spikes. Yeah.

1:31

You're never getting that harp back. Jordan,

1:34

you're now going to read something else that

1:36

you found on the internet? Yes,

1:38

I'm going to recall it. I don't have it in front

1:40

of me. Would it have been better to actually have it

1:42

in front of me? Yeah. Yeah.

1:46

This isn't a show, people. Fuck no. Yeah,

1:48

we're not making a show. I'd have to

1:51

get out my phone and that would cause

1:53

me to, let's just

1:55

say, not be as present as I'd

1:57

like to be, Jesse. You know me. I'd love

1:59

to be present. in the moment. It's 2024. You're working

2:01

on being more present. Exactly. I'm not going

2:04

to be, you know, constantly, you know, hypnotized

2:07

by Jeff Bezos' little

2:09

dopamine Yeah. Prison,

2:12

you know, me. Yeah. All I do

2:14

is stare at my Alexa. Right.

2:16

I'm working on being more present now.

2:19

Mm-hmm. So this is what I saw

2:21

on the internet. Yeah. That

2:23

I, that I think it's, depending on how

2:25

you look at it, is either terrifying or

2:27

heartwarming. You may be the judge. This

2:30

was a Valentine's Day

2:33

post by, from

2:35

the, from the folks at DC Comics. And

2:40

I just love it when brands celebrate

2:42

holidays. Nobody celebrates a holiday like a

2:44

brand. I think we can all agree.

2:46

I mean, I think I

2:49

hardly know what to do on

2:52

Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Right.

2:55

Unless Snickers tells me.

2:57

Sure. SpaghettiOs honors

3:00

our veterans. So why

3:02

shouldn't we? Exactly. The

3:04

SpaghettiOs O is thinking

3:06

of our veterans. This is a

3:08

Valentine's Day post from DC Comics

3:10

and it was a, yeah. Do

3:12

you think, do you think on,

3:15

on Veterans Day M&Ms honor

3:17

the service of the sexy lady M&M

3:19

that they killed? Did

3:22

she die in battle? Didn't they get rid

3:24

of an M&M? I think they just changed

3:27

her shoes. Oh, okay. They, and

3:29

then maybe changed them back. I don't know. I,

3:31

I have the answer to this.

3:33

Matt. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. You're online.

3:35

You're pretty online, right? I'm very online.

3:37

And I also very much enjoy

3:40

M&Ms. They made her less hot. Okay.

3:42

So that's as good as being

3:44

killed. Yeah. Well, you guys know

3:47

me. She used to be super hot And

3:50

kind of like sultry, like sexy, kind of

3:52

just like, Ooh, you know, like, yeah, yeah.

3:54

You're at a bar, right? And You see,

3:56

oh yeah, like a hot M&M. Right. A

4:01

proper, you know, as far as

4:03

love Jordan or a lab wherever

4:05

you find sexy M and M's's

4:07

where you would find the green

4:09

eminem and. Arm the Powers

4:11

that be. Decided. To make

4:13

her less hot and so Now game. I.

4:16

Wanna fuck this new Eminem? Yeah. Can I

4:18

Can I say one thing before we get

4:20

back to where you read on certain and

4:22

from our and Jordan sign again this is

4:24

all lateral. This. You

4:26

know, a bratty super rapper Eminem

4:28

from the movie Eight Mile? I

4:31

Do. This is the man behind

4:33

the song about Venom. that place

4:35

of the credits of Venom? Yeah,

4:39

Some of his best work. At.

4:41

Some point, This guy. Oh,

4:44

a wordsmith. One of the

4:46

great wordsmiths of popular music

4:48

and. Sat.

4:51

Down and thought to himself. Were.

4:55

Sent a myself. And

4:59

he said well I don't melt in your

5:01

hand I guess is what he said. I

5:03

don't know how to in a nanny himself

5:06

am an area is it as you have

5:08

added a man's Marshall Mathers but and does

5:10

his name is Marshall Mathers which man if

5:12

your name with star but star burst jones

5:15

with your and him he's to her purse

5:17

and obey was a will be Sj okay

5:19

for say like Stephen Jenkins got it Lead

5:21

singer of Third Eye Blind. So yes he

5:24

was Marshall Mathers and he decided to be

5:26

Am and Am but he spells it. With

5:29

any. New. I.

5:32

Know a lot about M and M's guys.

5:34

okay to have but I want to get

5:36

back to this saying how can I get

5:39

up at which is about as interesting as

5:41

this that we're talking about. I should Sam

5:43

that you know I don't to set the

5:46

bacillus that expectations to hi Matt as their

5:48

lot of Eminem flavors these days too many

5:50

of us mates or the have a favorite

5:52

classic Eminem peanut pretzel. I'm allergic to peanuts.

5:55

oh so it wouldn't be peanut or peanut

5:57

butter probably right now know I like a

5:59

classic. Eminem. Ah,

6:01

Have you noticed straight talk? Let and

6:03

are the red colors my favorite flavor

6:05

right? And. Of course the ground

6:08

lamb back when it had the big

6:10

Ten some arrival how are the awoke

6:12

billie hour before as communists game and

6:14

you actually started this post that I

6:17

am wanted to mentioned as concerned work

6:19

police so great to keep that are

6:21

to keep that in your brain. Ah

6:23

I'm. Dc. Comics celebrate

6:25

Valentine's Day with a little

6:27

slideshow. Have. Some of the

6:30

same as couples from their universe.

6:32

Today the looking in Love So of

6:35

course she got you know Superman and

6:37

Lois, Batman and Catwoman their on again

6:39

off again. Ah but you know you

6:41

has also had you know some some

6:44

same sex couples that his kind of

6:46

come into their continuity a little more

6:48

recently. Ah Harley and I, The Apollo

6:50

and Midnight are you guys know all

6:53

these are famous Dc comics come to

6:55

us you know to explain of those

6:57

people are course I know who's in

6:59

might Writer is that's right side Knight

7:01

Rider think kids Sfs. Oh yes, it's

7:04

a mess and a man can

7:06

fuck a car. And twenty twenty

7:08

four hours. And and not just

7:10

for dragons anymore. Giorno Yes, men

7:12

to men to can fuck cars.

7:15

So yeah. so we have the

7:17

slideshow of couples and pretty pretty

7:19

you know, innocuous happy Valentine's Day

7:21

from you know, your favorite couples

7:23

of Dc Comics. Some I'm enjoying.

7:25

This slideshow gets beautiful art in

7:27

there. And.

7:29

Then I just. I made the mistake of looking

7:32

down at the comments. And the. Number.

7:34

One comment. Is. Someone

7:36

with an Anna May avatar. Complaining

7:39

about the fact that there aren't

7:42

are same sex couples in the

7:44

slideshow? It's the it's the am

7:46

doing of the woke police pushing

7:48

an agenda. Know this person is

7:50

more of a dream. Police got

7:53

to assess Er for yes exactly

7:55

access. to

7:57

your favorite police welker dream first half

7:59

of this Woke police live at Budokan,

8:01

is that anything? Sure. So

8:04

yeah, just to be fair, and something that

8:06

was a little bit heartening is this, the

8:09

reason this

8:11

comment had made it to the top was

8:13

because people were roasting this

8:16

piece of shit underneath his

8:18

comment. Jordan,

8:20

I've got dogs in my house, including

8:24

a relatively young one who isn't

8:26

perfectly potty trained. So I

8:28

know, if you find a piece of shit, roast

8:30

it, baby. You gotta roast it. Yeah. So

8:33

that's the first comment on this slideshow.

8:35

It's someone complaining about the agenda of

8:37

the woke police. Then

8:39

you have kind of underneath that, you

8:41

have, you know, the people clapping back.

8:45

Second most popular comment on this slideshow,

8:49

all caps, I'm going to read it as I heard it

8:51

in my mind. Great. Make

8:53

Batman kiss the Joker. They

8:57

have that power,

8:59

Jordan. You can

9:01

draw anyone doing anything. It

9:03

is within their reach. Yes.

9:07

Make Batman go to no

9:09

punctuation, all caps. And

9:12

that was, it was almost as discussed

9:14

as this thing about the woke police.

9:16

Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

9:19

Do you think if we made hats, we could get Trump to

9:21

wear one? Could say make

9:24

Batman kiss the Joker? Yeah. Yeah.

9:27

I think if it was in his signature colors, he

9:29

wouldn't notice, right? You just handed to him. I'm not

9:31

saying we would be like, you think- That guy's not

9:33

reading hats. He doesn't have time. He's got deals to

9:35

make. Exactly. Make

9:38

Batman kiss the Joker. God

9:40

damn it. The sexual attention has

9:42

been bubbling since 1940 or something.

9:46

Make them kiss. Make him. Which

9:48

Joker would you most like to kiss, Jordan? Oh,

9:51

God. I would say Cesar Romero,

9:54

because he's got that little mustache. I know.

9:57

That's exactly what I was thinking. Little mustache. 100%

10:00

what I was thinking. But

10:02

you know, you know, you know, you know,

10:04

Leto's gonna try and stick

10:06

a finger in you while you're doing it, right?

10:09

He's twisted. Oh yeah, sure.

10:12

He's squirted ahead of time.

10:14

Yeah. He's twisted. Yeah,

10:17

this guy's twisted. Yeah, so,

10:20

you know, I guess, I guess Romero

10:22

Leto sandwich is my answer. What

10:25

about, what about Puffy Nicholson? You don't

10:27

want to kiss Puffy Nicholson? I

10:31

think it's, I think I'm fine with just being friends

10:33

with Jack Nicholson. Yeah. I don't

10:35

want to like take it to the next level with

10:37

Jack. Just gonna go to the Lakers game. Yeah, just

10:40

at court side at the Lakers. You

10:42

know, that's, that's, I don't want to, I don't

10:44

want to go any further than that. I don't see him, I don't

10:47

see him in that way. I want to kiss

10:49

Danny DeVito-Penguin. Oh, that's a

10:51

good answer. First of all, we didn't

10:54

invite you back on the program. I know,

10:56

but it just, this is a conversation that

10:58

once again is in my wheelhouse. Second of

11:00

all, okay. Do you want

11:02

to introduce our guests and see what Batman villain should

11:04

like to kiss? Yeah. Our

11:07

guest on the program is an

11:10

actor, a celebrated

11:12

actor. She is one

11:14

of, she is the host of Max

11:16

Fund's own podcast, The JV Club, Janet

11:20

Varney. Hi, Janet. Totally

11:22

not present right now. Just not

11:24

present at all. Living

11:27

inside the fantasy of making

11:29

out with Poison Ivy. Uma

11:32

Thurman version. That's

11:35

a good, that's a good version. That's all

11:37

I remember from that movie. And I don't

11:39

think I'm missing anything. So here's the thing about 12 Ice

11:41

Puns from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here's

11:46

the thing about that movie. Nice to see you chill out, etc. Yes,

11:48

Jesse, go ahead. I

11:50

had never seen that movie, the movie

11:52

Batman and Robin, directed

11:54

by Joel Schumacher. But

11:58

I had read our friend Glenn Webber's book, The. Weldon

12:00

Book about Batman within Famous

12:02

is. A great book.

12:05

Really great book. Lots of

12:07

insights, particularly about the sort

12:09

of history and nature of

12:11

Sand culture. Netbook. And

12:15

you know, Glenn is

12:17

a big supporter of.

12:21

The Batman that lives between fun

12:23

and camp, right? like he's a

12:25

be. He's a big lover of

12:27

a nineteen fifties Batman comic book

12:29

and eighteen sixties Batman television program.

12:33

He's. Also. A. Defender

12:35

of Batman. And

12:37

robin. Givhan.

12:39

That. You. Know

12:42

I think it. It is fair to say

12:44

that I'm. You. Know

12:46

people were the eve. The The

12:48

young men that were new to

12:51

the internet when that movie came

12:53

out really were deeply invested in

12:55

protecting their masculinity by defending themselves

12:57

against nipples on Superman's and superhero

13:00

suits and the idea of camp

13:02

in general. Are

13:06

performed. Butts on those suits. People

13:08

talk about the nipples. They don't

13:10

people forget about the that deformed

13:13

butts with and max when I

13:15

acts not just formed by spotlight.

13:18

For on. Like

13:20

the intro the intro the film's

13:22

has like a hero shot of

13:24

the butts yeah just focus is

13:26

on the but it's not like

13:28

it and it is not like

13:30

it lingers on the but it's

13:32

a but shot that are just

13:35

but great Their up top of

13:37

a movie like this is a

13:39

but movie Great great. There's room for

13:41

that. And as that verse okay over

13:43

the movie, that's all about the formed

13:45

butts and the net. minor. My

13:47

daughter Grace. We had watched

13:49

Batman Returns. Which

13:52

is ah. You

13:54

know, false fall squarely between

13:57

the. People. who

13:59

think it's bad and people who think actually

14:01

it's good. Love it. It's

14:03

got some good stuff in it. You're

14:05

a fan of forever, Janet. No

14:08

returns. Oh, returns, okay. Yeah. Okay,

14:13

returns, this is featuring Catwoman,

14:15

the penguin, Christopher. Okay, okay.

14:18

It's a big, too big of a pile of

14:20

stuff. It doesn't really hang together, but there's some

14:22

neat stuff in there like, it's

14:24

the only one with Pee-wee Herman as far

14:27

as I know. I believe that's right. So we

14:30

had watched that and my daughter is obsessed

14:32

with watching the worst thing and so she

14:34

had heard about Batman and Robin and she

14:36

was obsessed with watching Batman and Robin and

14:39

I volunteered to watch it for her, with

14:41

her, because I had read Glenn's

14:43

book and I was ready to to reappraise

14:45

it. I never saw it in theaters. I

14:49

was ready to reappraise it. And...

14:52

Just to appraise it then,

14:55

right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah,

14:57

yeah. Appraise it relative to

14:59

these expectations that have been

15:01

developed over the years, both

15:03

the early, this is

15:05

a horrible movie, expectations and then the,

15:07

actually this is an interesting and fun

15:10

movie, Expectations, the Glenn's book. The show

15:12

can also fact you're talking about. Yeah,

15:14

exactly. I'd

15:17

say we watched about 25 or 30 minutes

15:19

of this movie. I don't know

15:24

that I've ever seen a worse

15:26

movie. Like, the amount of horrible,

15:28

like it, it so

15:30

far outstripped my previous,

15:34

like my, I, when everyone, all anyone could

15:37

talk about was how bad it was, that

15:41

idea in my mind of how good it would be was far

15:46

outstripped by how

15:49

bad. Jesse, I think Mr. Freeze would

15:51

say you need to chill out. I

15:53

know. It was, well, one

15:55

thing is, I

15:58

Watched probably. Four Five Arnold

16:00

Schwarzenegger movie Since I've been an adult,

16:03

you know, like in the past twenty

16:05

years rather than the preceding twenty years.

16:08

And it's really amazing how bad it

16:10

had. Things are slow sports and eggs

16:13

so even seen a Van Damme movie

16:15

lately. Since

16:18

we're older guy here he says

16:21

since barely save them for hims.

16:25

In the right or it is. Yeah,

16:27

it it. is. that. it it. It

16:29

was worse than I ever could have

16:31

imagined. Batman Robin. But I you know

16:33

what I did like. I.

16:35

Liked the but part. Say.

16:38

He will provide hard like of I was

16:40

like this is fun I like this the

16:43

when they showed the when they zoomed in

16:45

on the but in a very opening of

16:47

the movie. I'm. Like

16:49

was going to be one of those

16:51

fun but movies you like that person

16:53

cannot live a sick. You

16:57

know, You. Know what sounds like

16:59

a Batman villain? Jesse. The.

17:02

Haunted Hot Tub. Which.

17:05

Is Sarah Janet Varney A

17:07

healthy Janet Varney casually mentioned

17:10

before we started recording Ah.

17:13

Do. You have a hot hot hot tub! Janet. I

17:16

mean it lit a was

17:18

hunted for me, it was

17:20

haunted. By. Black Widows

17:22

as a tell that because their

17:25

existence and own eyes of the

17:27

ins and yet I'm continues to

17:29

haunt. Me: I. Would

17:31

say when I has. I was

17:33

a like I. Maybe

17:35

once every four months I

17:38

have a nightmare about black

17:40

widows. It just comes up

17:42

for me a lot. And

17:45

so yeah I was not sorry to

17:47

see what else in there was a

17:49

time in which that the hot tub

17:51

got used and then it was very

17:53

expensive. Ah. In. Many ways to just

17:55

pump hot water all the time when race at

17:57

that. That is one of those things. that

18:00

I don't air like when you moved. And yeah, there was

18:02

a. When I moved in. And

18:04

at some point you know I think I

18:06

just like. Stopped. Paying attention to

18:08

it because as I he insists that Adena

18:10

I don't know people. I mean I understand

18:13

and I'm a grown up. I understand other

18:15

people invest money and having pools in Los

18:17

Angeles and having hot tubs and of light

18:19

that feel still like a luxury to me

18:21

that. As a kid who grew

18:23

up without a pool I just it. To

18:25

me it's like you how much you that

18:27

yeah like that's beyond I'm only source wildly

18:30

wealthy people's is is not accurate but as

18:32

the some of those kids things I held

18:34

on to bomb. I think stream of

18:36

that a hot tub is a former

18:38

pump poor person trap. Him

18:40

that if you grew up without

18:42

means for if there is a

18:44

hot tub there. But. I'm projecting

18:46

here so I've never had a hot tub. I'm not

18:48

that kind of guy he asked, but. You

18:51

know, I think you know I to

18:53

relax. You can't just keeps a hot

18:55

tub hot. Or guy or a monster,

18:57

right? That's likely because you have to

19:00

keep stuffing money into the little fire

19:02

box. Yeah, people with water hot? Yes.

19:04

But then if you just turn on

19:06

the hot tub when you want to

19:08

use the hot tub, you have to

19:10

do it Like four hours ahead of

19:12

her tongue. Exactly. Exactly it's supposed

19:14

to be and feel they get supposed

19:16

to be a thing that you can

19:18

just like decide you're in the mood

19:20

for. And that's what's cool about having

19:22

his leg. and then I just slipped

19:24

in the heart of at sixteen extra

19:26

minutes or whatever. And it's true. it's

19:28

the it something about making an appointment

19:31

to relax on. My out like us

19:33

you know ming assuming the your house

19:35

parties going to turn into a tea

19:37

parties you're sure? I mean you don't

19:39

want to act was easily as knowing

19:41

oh that direction Yes no yes I'll

19:44

tell you this is a a few

19:46

months ago I was on tour in

19:48

Atlanta, Georgia with the great John Hodgman

19:50

and see and I. Spent.

19:52

A couple of nights in stuff

19:55

you should know: host Chuck Bryants

19:57

pool house. yeah i meant that

19:59

pool house It's a wonderful pool

20:01

house. It's got a hot tub. Yeah.

20:06

And now, my point here is that

20:08

Chuck Bryant is a monster and just

20:10

kept that hot tub hot. And

20:14

don't think that John Hodgman and I

20:16

didn't relax and bro down in that

20:18

hot tub. Yeah. It was

20:20

wonderful. And I just thought, oh,

20:22

the American Southeast, what a dream

20:24

it is to live this lifestyle.

20:27

Janet, did you – was it fun? Was

20:30

that filled with black widows when you moved in

20:32

or was that something that happened because you weren't

20:35

using it? It was my neglect. But

20:39

I think that might have been –

20:41

that was an early lesson for me

20:43

that there were black widows here because

20:45

I grew up around them in Tucson,

20:47

Arizona. I was made to

20:49

be very afraid of them as a kid.

20:54

And so that's really stayed with me.

20:56

That's good parenting. That's good parenting. I know.

20:59

That's good. Keep the kids

21:01

away from drugs, pyramid schemes,

21:03

black widows. Absolutely. Unfortunately,

21:06

I was not – those first two lessons

21:08

were not bestowed on me, so I lost

21:10

an tremendous amount of money. You

21:12

got fucked up and bought a bunch of leggings that are

21:14

now in your garage. Oh, God. They're

21:17

so soft. They're so buttery soft though.

21:19

The only thing my parents taught me

21:21

about survival in the outdoors was leaves

21:23

of three that there's a bee. Wait.

21:27

What? Confusing. Yeah.

21:30

And I'm a poison ivy fan, so as

21:32

we've established. So I know there's

21:35

something missing from that lesson. Leaves

21:38

of three come see me, you say.

21:42

So Janet, you – There's a better version of that

21:44

probably. When you

21:46

moved in, there were no black widows and then

21:48

the black widows developed? It was a real buffed,

21:51

bubbling hot tub when

21:53

I moved in. And then over time,

21:55

I think I just let the

21:57

water evaporate and then the widow – those

22:00

moved in and it was a wonderful

22:02

thriving community. I mean,

22:05

that's what you want. You want darkness, you want

22:07

it to be nice and moist and a little

22:09

bit warm. I mean, that is, if I

22:12

were, if I'd wanted to go into the

22:14

Black Widow business, I would have been very,

22:17

very happy with the results of

22:20

just letting warm, dark

22:22

air exist in, as

22:24

it were, a vacuum. And

22:27

yeah, so they were doing great. And

22:30

then at some point, I mean,

22:33

at some point before I got

22:35

rid of it, I did end up refilling

22:37

it. So the thing that I blacked out

22:39

is- And you drowned a beautiful,

22:41

thriving community of Black Widow. I

22:44

doubt that I just said, you know

22:46

what, let's just fill her back up.

22:48

That probably will take care of itself.

22:51

I'll hop in and there will just

22:53

be boiled widow carcasses floating all around

22:55

me. I can't imagine that's what

22:57

happened. Does water feel a little poison-y in anybody

22:59

else? Just the poison-

23:01

It'd be amazing if that's what

23:04

unlocked like a youth serum. Like,

23:06

oh my God, you don't know?

23:08

If you get into a boiled

23:10

widow hot tub, you're gonna stay

23:12

beautiful looking for years to come.

23:14

Janet, you look radiant. Yeah, thank

23:16

you very much, yes. You're soaking

23:19

in boiled widows. What you wanna do is you

23:21

wanna evenly distribute the

23:23

venom after you've unconcentrated

23:25

it by soaking it in water.

23:28

And when you let it evenly distribute

23:30

with a little bit of water to

23:33

soften that sting a little bit, it does

23:35

wonderful things for your muscles, opposed to when

23:37

you just get bit by one and everything cramps

23:39

up and you have to go to the hospital and stuff. Janet,

23:42

I just got a text from Gwyneth Paltrow. You're

23:44

the new CEO of Goop. Oh my God, ah!

23:47

Yeah, congratulations. Oh

23:49

my God, I've been waiting for this call.

23:52

I can't even tell you. Now I regret

23:55

tearing down my tub and putting a

23:57

little studio in its place. Yeah,

23:59

okay. So you got

24:02

angry at the spiders

24:05

and decided to burn

24:07

the thing to the ground? No, I

24:09

mean, like I said, there was some point at

24:11

which, and I truly don't remember, so it can't

24:13

have been me, that I remember that it was

24:16

like, it's time to clean house. And

24:18

the Black Widows were killed, and

24:21

the hot tub was cleaned, and

24:23

then it was turned

24:25

back into a hot tub for like a

24:28

brief amount of time, I want to say like six

24:30

months, but it was kind

24:33

of a fun six months because I was

24:35

having horrible problems with my neck. So it

24:37

actually was like kind of therapeutic. And

24:39

then it became clear in

24:42

that short period of time that again,

24:44

if you neglect a hot tub for,

24:46

and I can't stress this enough, many,

24:48

many years, probably there's

24:50

going to be some degradation happening. There's going

24:52

to be some leakage. So

24:54

it became clear that there were so many

24:57

leaks in this hot tub that

25:00

there was no way to fix it. Like the

25:02

guy came out and was like, oh, oh

25:05

no, no, I can't fix this. You

25:07

need to shoot this and put it down forever.

25:11

And so at that point, I smothered

25:13

it in the most loving way. You sent

25:15

the hot tub to the glue factory. Yeah,

25:18

I smothered it with a pillow over and over saying,

25:20

I'm the angel of death, I'm the angel of death,

25:22

I'm the angel of death. I should have been a

25:24

nurse. I should have been a nurse. And

25:27

then yeah, and then now I sit

25:30

where it once was. But I

25:32

do like to think that, you know,

25:34

on a winter's night

25:36

when there's not very much light,

25:38

you like to feel like you're

25:40

probably sensation. Of

25:42

your skin turning young because you're

25:45

sitting in the venom juice. I

25:47

gotta tell you guys, I had

25:49

a pretty extraordinary

25:52

success today. That I

25:56

had not, look, I'm not conceited. I wasn't going

25:58

to bring it up at all. But since

26:01

the subject has been raised, in

26:04

my backyard here in Los Angeles, I do not

26:06

have a hot tub, but I do have

26:08

a shed. And right

26:11

now in my family, I am

26:13

hurtling towards losing my

26:15

home office to one of my children. And

26:19

so I decided I'm going to go- Do they buy

26:22

a bunch of leggings that they're hoping to resell? Yeah.

26:25

They're so soft. They're so soft.

26:28

Butter on your buns. And

26:32

so I've been working

26:35

on doing things like putting

26:37

floors in the shed, putting

26:39

a floor in the shed so that I can

26:41

use that ultimately for my office. That

26:44

shed life, they call it. Yeah. You're

26:47

going to live that shed life.

26:49

One of the steps involved

26:51

was moving a bunch

26:53

of pavers, a

26:55

bunch of step stones from one

26:58

part of my yard to another. Now I had thrown

27:01

them in a path to the

27:03

shed on the ground. And

27:06

I believed in my heart that that's

27:08

what you did, like

27:11

that you just put them on the ground

27:13

and then the ground welcomes

27:16

them. Yeah. Until

27:18

they're suitably embedded in the ground.

27:20

Yeah. What I

27:23

found was that what happens instead

27:25

is you keep stubbing your toe

27:27

on the fucking- Sure.

27:30

Yeah. So today, it

27:33

was the afternoon. My

27:37

kids were being quiet. They were playing video

27:39

games or something. My

27:41

dog needed to get out

27:43

into the backyard. And so I put on

27:46

my gardening hat and

27:48

I went outside to dig holes for these

27:50

pavers to go into. And

27:54

I walked up to my- I got like a

27:56

raised bed for my herbs.

28:00

And it's got a little thing next to it,

28:02

where you can put your, where my trowel

28:04

is or whatever, you know, my spade. I

28:06

don't know. Looking like a true gardener. Yeah.

28:09

My, my Wolverine. A trowel, a trowel cozy. I know what

28:11

a trowel cozy is. Yeah. Talk

28:13

to me like I don't know what

28:16

a trowel cozy is. And

28:18

so I, I

28:20

go there, I grab the trowel and

28:23

I'm like, I'm going to dig these holes. And I think

28:25

to myself, I got to put on my work gloves. I

28:27

look at my work gloves. What's in

28:29

my work gloves, Janet? Yeah, that's right.

28:31

Fucking spiders. Whoa. Fucking

28:34

spiders are in there. I'm glad you

28:36

looked. Many people don't even look. Before,

28:39

before I reached in there, I thought. I just

28:41

shoved my hands into whatever. That's gonna, that's gonna be what

28:43

kills me. I had the thought. I

28:45

see an opening. I shoved my hand in there.

28:47

I don't look. You're a

28:49

regular Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger joker, Jordan.

28:52

Jared Leto. Heath Ledger is dead, Jesse. Oh my

28:54

God. Oh my God. RIP.

28:57

RIP. I can't believe neither one

28:59

of you would want to make out with the Heath Ledger. That

29:02

felt like, I felt like on behalf of all the

29:04

listeners, I was like, why aren't they?

29:06

No one's saying Heath Ledger? He's

29:08

a Romero. Yeah. I guess,

29:10

I mean, I'm not saying that I wouldn't want

29:13

to make out with the Heath Ledger joker. I'm just saying

29:15

he wasn't the first one that came to mind. Understood. We

29:18

can rank, we can rank the jokers by smoochability if you

29:20

want to. I don't know if that's a better use of

29:22

our time. It's a lateral. It's a

29:24

lateral use of our time. Look,

29:26

real Batman fans know that we all

29:28

want to make out with the voice

29:30

of Mark Hamill. That's right. Oh,

29:32

yeah. Sure, sure, sure. That is a

29:35

Generations joker. Okay, so. So, you

29:37

pick up your gloves. So for a first,

29:39

Janet, I. Do you look

29:41

in, yeah. First I had the thought, there's

29:43

my gloves. I wonder

29:45

if they've got spiders in them. No, that's

29:48

ridiculous. Spiders don't live in gloves. Oh,

29:50

my friend. They love them.

29:53

They love gloves. I picked

29:55

them up. Sure is, sure is

29:57

shit. There's a bunch of fucking spiders

29:59

in there. least one which in my mind

30:02

it has at least two

30:04

spiders worth of legs a single spider so

30:06

that makes it a bunch of spiders any

30:09

fighter is a bunch of spiders yes

30:11

so I'm like I can handle this I can handle

30:14

this I can handle it so I grab it by

30:16

the finger and I slap it out on the side

30:18

of the thing I think I'm pretty

30:20

sure the spider

30:22

goes flying but

30:25

what I find inside is something

30:27

even more nightmares than the spider

30:29

itself show me egg

30:31

sacs 100 Jordan everyone

30:35

said egg sacs wow I am the

30:38

only person and I said there were

30:40

egg sacs in there and guess what

30:42

the fuck I did chopped

30:45

them got those egg sacs

30:47

out of there and you made

30:49

an omelet you chopped up some

30:52

bell peppers get

30:54

the pan real hot I

30:57

got all the spider strings out

31:00

of there you know how spiders make make

31:02

strings to catch flies yeah you know what

31:04

I'm talking about Jordan I

31:06

got all those in there like it's like I'm sure

31:09

I took a look at the situation you know they

31:11

said to myself these

31:14

fucking pavers aren't gonna dig themselves

31:16

I better put these gloves on

31:18

yeah so I put the motherfuckers

31:20

on was it stickier than I

31:22

wanted yeah sure

31:25

yeah I think the

31:28

egg sacs that's it that's I mean I've dealt with

31:30

a lot of egg sacs in

31:33

my time also I have a very

31:35

spidery yard just a very very spidery

31:37

I've had to make a lot of

31:39

peace with an insect that I arachnid

31:41

that's an insect still right I felt like it's

31:43

own species no

31:46

I'm I'm artsy and Jordan's

31:49

upon your rocker okay well don't don't correct

31:51

us in the comments rank the Joker like

31:54

kiss ability in the comments that I don't want to

31:56

see the urge to judge go

31:58

ahead and rank those jokers instead Yeah, listen, we don't

32:01

want to see bug facts in the comments.

32:03

I don't want to look in the comments

32:05

of this We want to see joker kiss

32:07

ability rankings Um,

32:09

that being said i've dealt with a lot

32:11

of egg sacs I've dealt with a lot

32:13

of surprise scares a lot of jump scares

32:15

of picking up a small rock and then

32:17

having a spider Crawl across my hand I've

32:20

just i've just gotten really Pretty

32:23

good about that stuff But

32:25

what I do with my gloves is

32:27

I don't even trust looking in or

32:29

shaking them. I Do

32:31

both course But then

32:33

I pinch each finger

32:37

Just pinch it each finger

32:39

hard As

32:41

my final step before yes

32:43

because i'm like if I didn't get it Yes,

32:46

it will be disgusting to have my

32:48

finger tip touch spider guts, but it

32:50

will not be worse than a living

32:52

spider And i'm sorry. I listen. I

32:54

know there's a lot of spider lovers out there again. I

32:56

will emphasize I do shake I do

32:59

look in there. I do shake it out

33:01

It's not that i'm trying to kill a

33:03

spider, but once i'm to the point

33:05

where that finger is going in Like

33:07

guys when they pinch the end of a condom to make

33:09

sure there's no spiders in there before it's a lump. That's

33:11

just practical Oh, I add

33:14

spiders Janet It's

33:17

called the ultimate blast What

33:20

I think the condom is full of spiders Good

33:23

for you. Good for your partner.

33:25

I want to apologize for the environment listeners.

33:28

You've permanently lost thanks to the

33:31

Road, this has gone down That'd

33:34

be funny if someone was like, okay now i'm out

33:37

What you said you put spiders in your

33:39

condoms. I said this is not as classy

33:41

as I remember this show being good bye

33:43

and good day Uh

33:46

guys, yeah, I so I mentioned that

33:49

I have this shed in my backyard that i'm working

33:51

on. Uh, uh

33:54

ice I told my

33:56

children at dinner That

33:59

it was going to be a. The Dad's club for

34:01

me and then Harrison to

34:03

watch movies and oh that's

34:05

fun! And. My

34:09

middle child. But

34:11

quickly. In essence, what else would

34:13

be happening in the Dad's club?

34:16

In I've I wrote it

34:18

down of: Wonderful Sir Are

34:21

you interested in hearing me?

34:23

Activities Watching movies? Yes, Okay,

34:25

I that Thera unsafe. Doing

34:27

boring work stuff. They're.

34:30

Wearing shoes, right? Playing

34:34

Star Field. It's

34:37

like space guy room. Janet to say you know

34:39

a guy. Talking

34:42

about mental health. I

34:45

mean. Yeah yeah. Taxes.

34:48

Yeah, ah, some classic dad

34:50

share for sure. Watching.

34:52

Archer. Maran.

34:57

Beard stuff. That.

35:01

I could be lot of things. could

35:04

be a lot of things. Ah,

35:07

electricity bills and.

35:10

Mckay. This asserting that that sell

35:12

a little that like grasping a little bit

35:14

just a little bit. sure that's l also

35:16

have an already said taxes but that like

35:18

the. I. Was thousand and six and yet

35:20

just me or want to like punch up

35:22

your kids or anything that yeah yeah you

35:25

know that's weird dick move but you can.

35:27

You could probably fold taxes and electricity bill

35:29

and to the animal category gleick paperwork or

35:31

something on. Sleeping.

35:36

Dazzle that. Shirts. And

35:38

jackets. Here

35:43

for. How much?

35:45

but see what are the annual dues for the

35:47

to sit deaths Liase. is

35:50

a good question i guess you're at

35:52

i guess you have to listen to

35:55

a each other dad tell tell you

35:57

about their favorite steely dan album and

35:59

why Yeah, or yeah,

36:01

maybe you check a price for some Or

36:05

mental health check-ins Yeah,

36:07

or mental health check-ins. That's our wife.

36:09

Kelly Dan is good for your mental

36:11

health, right? Talk about mental health Talking

36:14

about mental health. I mean I like all

36:16

that shirts and jackets That

36:19

sounds like you're making them and that's

36:21

cool couple of cool dad sticking together

36:23

shirts and jackets for their friends I

36:26

think that one and the beard one

36:28

might speak to who the parent of

36:30

this particular child is who the dad

36:34

Upon whom this child has modeled their idea

36:36

of what dads are like Shoes

36:41

I like shoes on shoes will

36:43

be on in this place. That's

36:45

that one the the reality

36:47

is that in my home All

36:50

three of my children and to a certain extent

36:52

my wife Have nothing

36:54

but contempt for shoes Whereas

36:57

I have nothing but shoes I've

37:03

mortgaged Park Place so that I could

37:05

buy more shoes This

37:09

is what this brings up for me very quickly

37:11

is That

37:13

every time I see like

37:15

a cool now I enjoy interior design

37:18

I enjoy it like you know, I

37:21

don't spend any time at all on Instagram so I really

37:23

am only speaking of like Looking

37:26

at a newsletter from the

37:28

now defunct Domino magazine That's still sort

37:30

of hangs on by sending me its

37:33

old stories in Email and an

37:35

email newsletter that I can then click on and

37:37

look at the digitized version of a magazine I

37:39

once had But

37:42

every time I mean

37:45

it is hard to find a

37:47

pictorial That that

37:49

if there is a woman who it's who

37:52

is the homeowner You

37:54

will not find a picture for wearing shoes

37:56

like it is. There is

37:58

a very specific message being communicated

38:00

in these beautiful, you

38:03

know, boho chic

38:05

homes where the

38:08

women are wearing whatever. It

38:10

could be, you know, very earthy and guanas

38:13

paltrowy looking. It could be like, you

38:15

know what? I was like, fuck it. I have an adorable

38:17

sequin jumpsuit from the 70s and I threw that on for

38:19

the choice. But they will almost

38:22

always be barefoot. And I feel like the

38:24

communication is like, look at me. I'm,

38:27

this is, I'm in my home. I'm

38:29

showing you my vulnerability. I'm down to

38:31

earth. At the end of the day,

38:33

no matter how nice and fancy my

38:36

home is, no matter how coiffed I might

38:38

look, at the end of the day, I just

38:41

have bare feet. You know what I mean? I'm just

38:43

like you. I just have, I just have feet. But I

38:46

think if these were, if these were

38:48

vintage magazines that you're talking about, Jan,

38:50

if these existed in a pre-internet time,

38:52

I mean, a magazine that was Maine.

38:55

They were just showing feet on Maine. Yeah.

38:57

They were doing what those nasty foot freaks

39:00

wanted. Have you watched that

39:02

Architectural Digest video series where Alicia Keys

39:04

is giving a tour of her

39:07

and Squiz Beat's apartment? It

39:10

just starts, Hi Architectural

39:12

Digest, I'm Alicia Keys and

39:14

this is feet on Maine.

39:20

It makes more sense now. Are both of

39:22

you barefoot in the house? No.

39:25

In fact, I got in

39:28

trouble on Instagram. I

39:30

post, because you know, for the put

39:32

this on, my Instagram presence is put

39:35

this on driven. My menswear

39:37

website and vintage store

39:40

at put.this.on on Instagram.

39:43

And for that reason, I am

39:45

obliged by the algorithm to

39:48

post outfit pics. OOTDs, outfit

39:50

of the day pictures. And

39:55

it is weird and embarrassing. I still

39:57

can't bring myself to have others take

39:59

the picture. There's

40:01

a lot of leaning my phone against something and

40:03

then running backwards after checking to make sure nobody

40:05

is within a block of me. It's

40:09

really embarrassing. It can't begin to tell you

40:11

how embarrassing it is. And

40:14

the other day, I

40:16

realized it had been a long time since I posted one

40:18

and you kind of got to feed the beast for the

40:20

algorithm. And so I was like, I'm

40:23

wearing an all right outfit. I'm making dinner. I

40:25

set it up on the kitchen counter and I took a picture

40:27

of myself. The

40:30

number one comment on there was shoes

40:32

in the house? Exclamation

40:34

mark. Oh boy. And

40:37

then the number two was make Batman and Joker kids.

40:40

Yeah, which made a lot of sense

40:42

because it would be hot. That guy's

40:44

just posting under everything. But

40:46

I learned this also on Judge John

40:48

Hodgeman. Like I mentioned that I generally

40:50

wear shoes in the house, which

40:53

I do. There's

40:55

exceptions. If it's raining outside or I

40:57

walk through mud or whatever,

40:59

I might take

41:02

my shoes off or my feet

41:04

hurt or got to let the

41:06

stank out. There's reasons. But

41:09

in a day-to-day situation, I come

41:11

home from work from the office

41:13

at lunchtime. I just recorded something.

41:15

I'm going to make myself some

41:17

lunch. I don't change to slippers.

41:22

To people outside of ... I

41:25

don't know if this may have been the

41:27

case in Tucson, Arizona where you're from, Janet,

41:29

but in places where there's weather, this is

41:32

the worst monster behavior

41:34

you could ever participate

41:36

in in the history of the world.

41:39

Yeah. You are talking during

41:41

a time in which my house is pretty

41:44

cold unless I really have the heat cranking.

41:47

We all know how I feel about keeping something

41:49

heated. I'm super against it. Hot

41:52

tubs at all. Right

41:54

now, as you're saying this, I'm thinking, I don't

41:56

wear my ... I Tend to take

41:58

my shoes off. But Mister Rogers

42:00

style, it's only to put a different something

42:03

on. Like it would be. And.

42:05

I don't. I wouldn't say slippers like

42:07

right now I'm really into this hooker

42:10

comfort. True, it's a super ugly slide

42:12

that you just put on any feel

42:14

like you're floating on clouds on saw

42:16

slip on earth, a sock and or

42:19

and a comfort shoe and glide around.

42:22

In a good look askance at you

42:24

for. Wearing your shoes if you

42:26

eat the you know yourself if you

42:28

don't feel your American. Some men. Every.

42:31

One is working your scams out right now.

42:33

Ninety percent of the people listening to this

42:36

podcast are looking askance to listen to scams

42:38

cause their lives in London on hundred and

42:40

room. Only thing that they were fine with

42:42

the spider condom thing but sister has this

42:45

is of reality the remainder of your lawyer

42:47

says and know now than there are a

42:49

lot as where we're losing the listener and

42:51

so if I go to if I go

42:54

to a house party. And

42:56

the. And the there's a pile of

42:58

shoes by the door. I'm.

43:01

Gonna take off my shoes. Yeah.

43:04

I'm. Not going to say no, I

43:06

won't take off my shoes. But.

43:11

Of. Feel like a real

43:13

idiot wearing an outfit and

43:15

Sox right? Off.

43:18

The like the dope with a century

43:20

in an outfit just plotting around in

43:22

my socks with my with my cocktail

43:24

gotta. Say right now you're not

43:26

alone Know regardless of what the naysayers

43:28

may. Say. And stink up

43:31

your comments. I. Think a lot

43:33

of people feel that way. I don't think

43:35

it's not as like he you and was

43:37

here is sexist school I assume would make

43:40

the same arguments. I don't know because

43:42

I don't watch. I shall. But. i

43:44

don't think you're alone i think people

43:46

go to parties and when their shoes

43:48

are off in a pile they're like

43:51

oh this is o k liked okay

43:53

yeah ruff course i asked my says

43:55

up by i don't think i think

43:57

a lot of people aren't just gliding

44:00

in and being like, of course I'm

44:02

I expect I assumed I would take my

44:04

shoes off, of course! I don't think that's the

44:07

case. I think that there are lots of people who are like, oh

44:10

I gotta take my shoes off.

44:12

Okay, yeah, you know, I will, you know what I will.

44:14

I feel like that's common. You know

44:16

what I think? This

44:18

is what I think. I think if you're hosting a

44:20

party and you're worried about your carpets, don't

44:23

host a party. Put down

44:25

ram board. Put down that stuff

44:29

when you're doing home renovations that

44:31

like temporary flooring cardboard

44:34

paper thing. Move the party to

44:36

Shaky's. Or move the

44:38

party to Shaky's. Imagine if when you

44:41

got to Shaky's, you had to take your

44:43

shoes off at Shaky's. Imagine if at

44:45

the door that Mr. Shaky says,

44:47

yeah, which is the name of

44:49

the founder of Shaky's.

44:51

Well, it's his nickname because

44:54

of his alcoholism. Oh

44:56

no. Yeah.

45:00

So you're saying there was a 50-50

45:02

chance he was going to name his

45:04

pizza restaurant the DT's and

45:07

he went with Shaky's. You

45:09

guys want to you guys want to start some mojo

45:11

potatoes and then come back for a little bit more?

45:13

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disco. It's

45:29

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

45:31

America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy,

45:33

detective. Every episode

45:36

of Jordan Jesse Go brought to you

45:38

by you if you're a member of

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Maximum Fund. Maximum Fund is a membership

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means that our lights are kept

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in just a second on Jordan

49:31

and Jesse Go. It's

49:44

Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorn, president

49:47

and founder of Dad Club. Jordan

49:49

Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney leaves

49:51

of three. Letter

49:55

B. That's

49:58

how I tell people I'm in a deal. dangerous mood. How

50:00

are you? Lazy 3. Lazy

50:03

3. Oh, you know what? I'll back

50:05

by later. I'm not going to wear

50:08

shorts around, Janet. There's

50:10

so much I've heard just sort of

50:13

like acting odd in the movie. I

50:15

might even have watched half of this

50:17

movie. Talking about Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy.

50:19

Yeah, she's just sort of acting weird.

50:23

They don't really give her anything to do,

50:25

but she's on screen a lot. It's really

50:27

weird. That sounds right. But again, I mean,

50:30

I couldn't tell you when I saw it, why I

50:32

saw it, how I saw it, whether

50:34

it had the sound on. The whole

50:36

thing has the aesthetic quality of a Disney

50:38

Channel movie. Isn't it Cole

50:40

Kidman in that one? Or is that a different

50:43

one? Cole Kidman's Forever,

50:45

I think. Right, Matt's

50:47

nodding? Thank you. Okay, got it. Anyway,

50:51

I mean, remember in the Batman movie, I

50:53

love it. George Clooney's Batman. It seems like

50:55

a good idea. Sure. Let him have

50:57

another crack at it. I don't have another

51:00

butt crack at it. Yeah. Thanks,

51:02

Janet. Ooh, Clooney. I appreciate it. I

51:04

love the theme of a butt crack. That was Clooney's actual

51:06

crack length, by the way. If

51:08

you look at that movie, that is the actual length of Clooney's

51:11

crack. Don't all gentlemen know when they get measured for a suit,

51:13

they have to be able to give their crack length? All

51:15

right. You don't want to get that wrong,

51:17

you don't want to get the in-seam wrong. Right.

51:22

I can see a pretty good Batman movie

51:25

with Clooney's crack and Jared Leto

51:27

shoving something in there. I

51:30

love to see that. Great. And

51:32

then they kiss, finally, at the end, and everyone

51:34

on the internet's happy. Make them. Make

51:37

them. Make them. Make them. They

51:39

don't do it. They don't do it. They don't

51:42

do it. Make them kiss. Wait, I know this is a small

51:44

thing to need to parse out, but remind

51:46

me, was it make Batman kiss the Joker,

51:48

or was it make the two of them

51:50

kiss? Make Batman kiss the

51:53

Joker. Okay, all right. What

51:55

a fucking bummer it would be

51:57

for Batman if he misread the

51:59

moment. Yeah. We've

52:02

all been there. I was reaching

52:04

out because you have a fuzz on your face. What were

52:06

you doing? We've all

52:08

been there buddy. Jeez. I

52:11

lean in to help you. Oh jeez. You

52:16

know the Joker would laugh at him too. Oh yeah.

52:20

Well now don't rush to concussions. I

52:22

don't want you like that. I mean you're

52:24

great. I just got

52:26

out of a thing. I'm working on me.

52:30

It's true that we don't get to hear him laugh awkwardly often enough. Like

52:32

when he's just trying to fill an awkward

52:34

moment. Like, ha ha

52:36

ha ha. Ha

52:38

ha ha ha. This is weird. Somebody

52:42

tells a story and you can tell that they think the

52:44

story is funny but it's kind of more of a bummer.

52:46

And then Joker goes, oh yeah great. So

52:49

what happened with the exit? Exit? Well,

52:52

gotta go. Yeah. Gotta

52:56

put my shoes on and leave. I

53:00

like this guy. I like this Joker. My Joker is

53:02

very similar to my Cryptkeeper. Can

53:08

you imagine how long it would take the Batman

53:10

to relace those shoes that he wears? Oh boy,

53:12

yeah. I

53:14

guess they do have a lot of, are

53:16

they always relaced or is that a specific

53:18

Batman? I feel like sometimes it's just like

53:20

a black molded form. Think about this

53:22

Janet. Think about the

53:25

Joker's shoes. These things are

53:27

like two feet long. You know

53:29

the shoes these people wear. That's a good

53:31

point. They're like clown shoes. Clown people. Congress

53:34

people and such. Alright,

53:36

alright, Dudesbury. Rope

53:38

it in Dudesbury. Hey,

53:44

we got somebody called in a prank. Speaking

53:47

of dastardly jokes and japes.

53:49

Yeah. Matt

53:52

said this one's totally twisted. Okay. Yeah,

53:55

we asked listeners. Please don't be spider related.

53:57

Yeah, that would be awful because we just

53:59

talked about spiders. I think people are getting tired of it.

54:04

Last week we called for prank ideas. I think

54:06

it was specifically pranks to play on a dentist.

54:08

I don't know. If it wasn't, who cares? If

54:10

it wasn't, who cares? Literally, what is this? Who

54:12

cares what it is? We're just saying stuff. I

54:15

got thought of a great idea just now, Jordan.

54:17

Can I run this by you? Sure. You

54:20

go to the dentist and you smile. Mm-hmm. I'm

54:22

not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not

54:24

going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not

54:26

going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going

54:29

to do that. It

54:31

looks like you have unbelievable

54:34

Janet Varney level teeth. Yeah.

54:37

Great choppers. Premium choppers. Great

54:39

choppers. Chompers. But then the

54:43

dentist here is like ... and

54:46

you spit out photo-realistic

54:48

strips with pictures of teeth on it

54:50

and all you got behind them is

54:52

gums and you go, nong, nong, nong,

54:54

nong, nong, nong. That'd

54:56

be funny. That'd be really funny. That

54:59

fucking dentist would have egg on his face, my

55:01

friend. What do you even want

55:03

me to clean, he'd say? Yeah. Put

55:06

Phil right in the gums, you'd say. Yeah, top that, listener. Let's

55:08

see if your prank is even near

55:10

as good as that spontaneous one that

55:12

Jesse just came up with. This

55:14

listener's prank is probably shit compared to that. Go ahead, play

55:16

it, Matt. Hi, Jordan, Jesse,

55:19

Matt. And guess which

55:21

I'm going to guess

55:23

is Dr. Dre. Nope,

55:26

nope. I think that back is Ice Cube.

55:28

It's built from just outside Seattle. Can

55:30

you pause it for a second, Matt? I

55:33

think Ice Cube

55:35

is also a good example

55:38

of a rapper who should have taken a

55:40

second run at it, name-wise. Like

55:43

Ice Cubes are cold, they're cool, I get

55:45

it, right? But

55:48

I mean, even just Cube would

55:50

be better. Yeah, you're right. Ice

55:53

would be better. My

55:56

rap name is Pebble Ice. ideas

56:00

for practical jokes, so I've got one. This

56:03

requires two people. So the first person

56:06

gets a job, they get trained, and they

56:08

get a job as a dental hygienist. They

56:12

go to work for a dentist. And

56:14

then once they're firmly established, you

56:16

schedule yourself as a patient. So

56:18

you go in for a cleaning.

56:21

And once you're in there for

56:23

the cleaning, the hygienist does their thing, and then

56:25

when the dentist comes in, the

56:28

hygienist locks the door, and

56:31

you subdue the dentist with

56:34

the anesthesia, so the

56:36

dentist is completely knocked out, and then you

56:39

take all of his teeth out, and

56:42

then you leave. And when the dentist wakes

56:44

up, you've got no teeth. So

56:47

the dentist with no teeth. And I think that's

56:49

a pretty good practical joke. But

56:51

you guys- That's my teeth.

56:53

That's good, but I'm gonna

56:55

be honest with you, that

56:58

would be a pretty good hook for a dentist. Yeah.

57:02

Mm, yeah. Like I don't know

57:04

if it's just thriving beforehand, but yeah. Like

57:07

I don't let what happened to me happen

57:09

to you. You know? Kind

57:12

of a scared straight kind of thing. I

57:14

feel like once

57:16

you become a dental hygienist, what

57:18

you're not planning on, if you're

57:20

the other half of that prank,

57:24

is the indoctrination that's gonna happen. And by the

57:26

time you're ready to play that prank, that hygienist

57:28

is gonna be like, I can't do

57:30

it, I took a vow. Yeah. I

57:32

know this all started seven years ago as a con.

57:34

I don't know how long it takes to go through

57:36

hygienists. It started as a con, but

57:39

now I love the game too much. I'm inside

57:41

of this thing. And that's

57:44

my primary concern. And

57:46

I love a long con. Yeah, this is kind

57:49

of a Donnie Brasco is what you're pausing. Uh-huh,

57:51

it's a real, the departed. It's

57:54

quite the departed. Janet,

57:57

what other vows? would

58:00

you say are taken

58:03

at a technical college? That's

58:08

a great question.

58:11

Aircraft repair, HVAC. I

58:14

think one vow would be like,

58:17

always have a different story for why

58:19

you're missing one of your fingers.

58:22

Because I did have, I

58:24

think I had two back-to-back

58:26

shop teachers at

58:29

the two universities that I went

58:31

to for theater stuff. Each

58:34

one of them was missing part of a

58:36

finger from using the saw, the table saw.

58:40

But I feel like that's a thing that

58:42

comes up a lot is for people who

58:44

work with their hands and then their accidents,

58:46

they feel like the true story of just

58:48

being careless and chopping their finger off is

58:51

a dull tale. And so I think

58:54

from that issue, a lot

58:56

of fun, hokey,

58:59

fake stories. So I would

59:01

assume that you take some sort of a vow if you're

59:03

actually in technical school. What about

59:05

cosmetology? I mean,

59:07

cosmetologists go to the technical

59:09

school. Obviously, dental

59:11

hygienists take the first

59:14

pull their teeth out. At

59:19

cosmetology school, it's not do

59:22

no parm, it's do no perm. Yeah,

59:26

you're right, not always. That

59:28

has to be a place where the rules can

59:31

adapt to the time. First,

59:33

do no perm. Why

59:36

do I even like this? I

59:40

like it so much, perm, do no perm.

59:43

I feel like this is a strain

59:45

of jokes that get progressively worse because

59:47

that was a gem and a beauty.

59:49

But if it's like a experimental Italian

59:51

restaurant, your

59:54

vowels first do no parm. You know what

59:56

I mean? We can really unpack this

59:59

in a way that. None of us will feel good about it.

1:00:01

It's not an Italian restaurant I want to go to, Janet,

1:00:03

by the way. Well, to

1:00:06

each their own, you know. Do yes, do yes, Parm.

1:00:08

Capiche? This is my... Janet,

1:00:11

before we go, I wanted to ask, as

1:00:14

someone who grew up in Arizona, did

1:00:16

you have to deal with scorpions? Yeah,

1:00:20

I mean, I've only seen a

1:00:22

couple of scorpions, but apparently when

1:00:24

I was a toddler, my dad

1:00:28

said that I like bent down,

1:00:30

he was across the room and he saw him, he

1:00:32

sort of bent down near the back door inside the

1:00:34

house to pick up what he

1:00:36

thought was like a crumpled leaf, like a

1:00:38

little curled up leaf, and then sort of

1:00:40

he just saw it kind of move

1:00:42

and he's like, I've never moved, so is one of those

1:00:45

stories. Like I lifted up a car to save your life.

1:00:48

He's like, I've never moved so fast as when I

1:00:50

realized it was a scorpion that was like poised to

1:00:52

strike and I took you up and... Right,

1:00:54

I keep the scorpion on the

1:00:57

roof. He rasled that scorpion, yeah,

1:00:59

but I don't remember that. But

1:01:01

one of my best friends was

1:01:04

stung by a scorpion on two different

1:01:06

occasions, two different scorpions across time at

1:01:09

her house, her parents' house,

1:01:11

because they lived in

1:01:13

the middle of the desert and they just left

1:01:15

their doors open. They

1:01:17

were just very... Yeah. I mean,

1:01:20

I don't want to give artsy a bad

1:01:22

name because I consider myself artsy, but that

1:01:24

doesn't translate to the idea of like what

1:01:26

is in the desert. She was also bitten

1:01:28

by a brown recluse. Oh

1:01:30

my God. I think also in her

1:01:32

bed. It's like in a wheelchair. That artsy's dipping

1:01:34

your own candles. This is just irresponsible. Is

1:01:38

Arizona the same as Australia? Yeah,

1:01:41

pretty much. I would say if it's

1:01:43

a desert, there's just a lot

1:01:45

of stuff in there that it's

1:01:47

just trying to protect itself. For some

1:01:49

reason, it has to be even more

1:01:51

lethal than... I think, or unless it's

1:01:53

a very lush jungle. I feel like those are the

1:01:55

two extreme climates where it's

1:01:58

like, oh, that frog will kill you. If you

1:02:00

look at it, for some reason,

1:02:03

Arizona, our most poisonous state. Yeah.

1:02:05

And our most delicious iced tea.

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at least our most voluminous iced tea for 99

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for 99 Cent. Try. It's

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like fucking there. If

1:02:20

you have a good prank that you

1:02:22

could play on the dentist, or

1:02:25

you just saw it

1:02:27

on, I read it on

1:02:30

the internet. If you

1:02:32

have a particularly magical Reddit post that

1:02:34

you'd like to share with us, give

1:02:36

us a call, 206-984-FUN, or just record

1:02:39

a voice memo and email

1:02:41

it to us at jjgo at

1:02:44

maximumfun.org. We'll be back

1:02:46

in just a second on Jordan Jessica. My

1:02:56

name's Doug Dugay and I'm here to talk about

1:02:58

my podcast in the middle of the one you're

1:03:00

listening to. It's called Valley Heat and it's about

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my neighborhood, the Burbank Rancho Equestrian District, the center

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1:03:07

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1:03:11

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1:03:13

have a feeling it's related to the drug drop

1:03:15

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1:03:18

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the chronicles of the Rancho Equestrian District in

1:03:33

Burbank, California. These are the events that you

1:03:35

can place in my eye and around my

1:03:38

eyes. Hello

1:03:45

sleepyheads. Sleeping with

1:03:47

celebrities is your podcast pillow pal.

1:03:50

We talk to remarkable people about

1:03:52

unremarkable topics, all to help you

1:03:54

slow down your brain and drift off

1:03:57

to sleep. For instance, we have

1:03:59

the remarkable... Neil Gaiman. I'd

1:04:01

always had a vague

1:04:03

interest in life culture,

1:04:05

food preparation, sleeping with

1:04:08

celebrities, hosted by me,

1:04:10

John Moe, on

1:04:12

maximumfun.org or wherever you get

1:04:14

your podcasts. Night

1:04:16

night. It's

1:04:23

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse

1:04:26

Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan

1:04:28

Morris, boy, detective, Janet

1:04:30

Varney, cube, ice. Well,

1:04:33

Janet, it's always a joy

1:04:36

to see you. I would

1:04:39

brave any scorpion to see the

1:04:41

great Janet Varney and her

1:04:43

legendary jumper. Well,

1:04:46

then I have a prank for you,

1:04:48

my friend. Whoa! What's Janet Varney? Scorpion

1:04:50

now? How did we get them here

1:04:54

in our separate

1:04:57

homes? That's right.

1:04:59

The long game. Yeah,

1:05:01

always. Always. Jamie, you got anybody

1:05:03

cool coming up on the JV Club? Or, I

1:05:06

will see. Or, recently appearing on the program?

1:05:09

Yeah, I mean, there were

1:05:12

a couple of folks that I had

1:05:14

not yet had on the program as

1:05:16

we edged towards a

1:05:20

little bit of a drive, I like to call

1:05:22

max fun drive. Was

1:05:24

very excited to have Brea

1:05:26

on from reading glasses.

1:05:28

Hey, alright. Going to be welcoming Mallory

1:05:31

on, probably by the time this

1:05:33

airs, because I'm recording her this upcoming week.

1:05:36

And yeah, just always

1:05:39

excited to celebrate some max

1:05:41

funsters on the podcast. Always

1:05:44

excited to celebrate Janet Varney and the JV Club

1:05:46

if you want to hear painful

1:05:49

tales of adolescence from some of

1:05:51

Hollywood's best and brightest. That's

1:05:54

the place to head as far as I'm concerned.

1:05:56

I will also mention, by the way, Jordan, while we

1:05:59

are shining light on... MaxFun

1:06:01

podcast. We just added a few

1:06:04

podcasts to MaxFun, some really great

1:06:06

ones. Our friend

1:06:08

John Luke, a long time writer for

1:06:12

International Waters at all, has

1:06:15

a new podcast. I

1:06:17

did some little bits on that. Those will be airing

1:06:19

soon at some point. It's a

1:06:22

really funny show. I want to

1:06:24

plug because I

1:06:27

personally recruited this podcast

1:06:31

to MaxFun, a

1:06:33

show called Valley Heat, where there's

1:06:35

a lot of Burbank talk on Jordan and

1:06:37

Jesse Go. I like to think that when

1:06:40

we talk about Burbank, we talk about it

1:06:42

in a way that has meaning to people

1:06:44

who have never been to Burbank and know

1:06:46

nothing about it because I've barely been to

1:06:48

Burbank and I certainly know nothing about it.

1:06:51

Valley Heat is like a, it is

1:06:55

a sort of community radio

1:06:57

show for a particular neighborhood

1:06:59

in Burbank, specifically the one where you

1:07:01

can ride horses around that we've often

1:07:03

talked about on this show. It has

1:07:06

nothing to do with Burbank, functionally

1:07:08

speaking. It

1:07:10

is one of the most beautiful

1:07:12

and hilarious comedy podcasts in

1:07:14

existence. I know so, so

1:07:17

many Hollywood big wigs

1:07:20

have plugged it. There was

1:07:22

a big Twitter thread

1:07:24

from Pat Nausewalt about how it was his

1:07:26

favorite thing. So

1:07:28

go listen to Valley Heat. I think you'll really like

1:07:30

it. Go listen to the JV Club. I

1:07:33

think you'll really like it. Go

1:07:35

check out all the new shows from

1:07:37

MaxFun. We'll get Christian,

1:07:39

the creator of the show, and Jordan Jesse Go

1:07:41

sometime soon. But anyway, that's all.

1:07:43

Janet, what a joy. Thank you very much.

1:07:45

You're the best. Thanks for having me. Our

1:07:48

producer is Matt Lieb. Our theme music is

1:07:50

Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of

1:07:53

The Free Design and Light in the Attic

1:07:55

Records. Our thanks to both of them. You

1:07:57

can find us on social media at put.this.on.

1:08:00

and at Jordan David Morris on

1:08:02

Instagram at facebook.com/Jordan Jesse

1:08:04

go and soon on

1:08:08

instant gram for the show. Yeah, that's all. We'll talk

1:08:10

to you next time on Jordan Jesse go. I'll hug

1:08:12

you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love

1:08:14

you. Love you. Love you.

1:08:17

Love you. Maximum

1:08:31

fun. A worker owned network of

1:08:34

artists owned shows supported directly

1:08:37

by you.