0:09

Hello and welcome to Just One

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Thing . I'm Brad Stearns , here

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with Lisa Stearns , and we're your hosts

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on this weekly exploration of

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simple ways to enhance your relationships , improve

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your health , manage your stress and just

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be happier . Now settle

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in while we discuss Just

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One Thing . Good

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day and welcome to the next episode

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of Just One Thing . Just One Thing

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is the podcast of Mindful Living Today

0:39

. You can find us on Facebook

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at the Mindful Couple . We have a great Facebook

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subscribe and we would much appreciate that .

1:04

I just noticed we're in the same color . Ooh , we're

1:06

matchy . We're matching matches . Mindful Living .

1:09

We used to ride our tandem bike .

1:11

We used to have matching kits , matching outfits yes , so we were

1:13

quite fancy .

1:15

Today we are going to talk about you

1:18

are always enough , and

1:21

that sort of falls into the category of I'll just

1:23

call it radical self-acceptance , something

1:27

that Lisa and I talk about quite a bit , something

1:29

that I sometimes have trouble with oh , me too , and

1:31

I'll get into that as we go along . So when

1:33

you say you are always enough

1:35

, what does that mean

1:37

to you , and are there any examples

1:40

that you've gone through or client or a friend

1:42

have gone through for you ? That points

1:44

out the importance of that .

1:45

Thousands of stories , thousands of stories

1:47

.

1:47

Well , you have a couple .

1:50

How much time do you have ? No

1:53

, I grew

1:55

up with parents

1:57

who had very high expectations

2:00

and I never

2:02

felt like I met whatever

2:04

it was . My

2:07

parents were lovely In my

2:10

mind . For me , they had very high expectations

2:12

. This

2:15

is behavior academics .

2:16

Whatever the category was , the

2:19

bar was high .

2:21

And I know for myself . On

2:24

top of that , I had very high expectations of myself

2:26

. So I think I kind of took

2:28

their expectations

2:30

and multiplied it 10 times .

2:32

Exactly , we are often our own worst enemy

2:34

, and that's why , to me , this whole topic

2:36

falls into radical self-acceptance

2:39

.

2:39

Absolutely , absolutely , and

2:41

so most of the dialogue

2:44

that was going on in my head up through

2:46

my middle 40s was I'm

2:48

not good enough . Whatever it is . I'm not

2:50

good enough , I didn't do that well enough , I didn't . It

2:53

wasn't right , it wasn't perfect , it wasn't everything

2:55

. And so you end

2:57

up in this constant state

3:00

of displeasure and a lack

3:02

of acceptance of both yourself

3:04

and your humanity , what you

3:06

are actually capable of doing

3:09

within any given moment of any

3:11

given time . And life expectations

3:14

change , life's changed with jobs

3:16

and children and marriage relationships

3:18

and whatever , and so you

3:20

can't expect to have that same standard

3:23

across the board , because

3:25

sometimes it's just it is too

3:27

much .

3:28

Well , yeah , and particularly you mentioned having

3:30

children and changes in life

3:32

. I mean , there are times in your life when there

3:34

literally is just too much on

3:36

your plate Absolutely Every day . And

3:39

you just can't optimize each of those things . There's just

3:41

, it's just not enough time , it's not possible . You're

3:43

only going to have one week in the year to optimize and be

3:46

the best at all of those things . Right , and

3:49

if you have those high expectations , if you think , well , I'm not enough

3:51

, well , you aren't .

3:52

Right , right and you can't be .

3:55

That's just not enough time for failure in thinking that you can

3:58

meet all those expectations

4:00

you can live up to all of , whether it's yours

4:02

or others , yeah , and I think , whether it's parents , whether

4:04

it's social media , whether it's yourself , you

4:06

know , we all forever

4:09

have all these examples , and so the example

4:11

of what can be done . Right , right and

4:13

so category is so high that

4:15

you can't meet all of them .

4:17

Right , right and you have . You know , when you look

4:19

at , especially at , social media , you have no

4:22

idea what is going on behind

4:24

the post . No .

4:26

You know , and the person who looks so beautiful and

4:28

does so much , you know maybe having a

4:30

nervous breakdown on the other side . You

4:32

know that maybe they may be using a filter that makes

4:36

them look like a movie star when you know the reality

4:38

is not quite that .

4:39

Well , I know somebody commented on our

4:41

trip that we took to Maine , which we did not enjoy

4:44

ourselves . But I love architecture and

4:46

so you know I took lots of pictures of isn't

4:48

this pretty ? And the beach was pretty and all that kind of stuff

4:50

, and when I came home and talked to her she

4:53

had no idea you know she's up in your pictures

4:55

.

4:55

You have a great time . It looked like that you were on

4:57

a fantastic vacation and I don't feel like we curate

4:59

our posts , oh no , and I just want to put

5:02

up there this is what I did today . No , I

5:04

guess I put a positive face on most things , but that's

5:07

how you and I see things Some day . Well , in some days I'm

5:09

not feeling so good Right , and some days I don't do

5:11

as much as I wanted to do , and

5:13

so you know I'm not always meeting my own expectations

5:15

, and but I do accept

5:18

that those are the things that I think one of the things

5:20

that prompted this discussion was

5:22

, I think maybe you posted it . I shared

5:24

it from some of them , but it was something like if

5:26

you're only feeling , you know , capable

5:28

, capable of 40% today , and

5:31

you're gay , 40% of your effort , well , that's

5:33

100% , that's 100% . That's all

5:35

you can give today , right , right , and that's that's

5:37

. That's , that's plenty , that is a win . That's

5:40

like you are always enough .

5:42

Exactly , exactly , because

5:44

really very few of us , very

5:48

few , I think , I believe , I truly believe very

5:50

few people are slackers . I truly

5:52

believe very few people are not trying

5:54

their best to

5:57

do whatever .

5:58

To have a good relationship , to do their

6:00

job as best they can , to do the

6:02

schooling as best they can . But your , your energy

6:04

goes up and down . Your , your , the time

6:07

in your day goes up and down .

6:08

Your tension span goes up and down .

6:11

But sometimes you may . Just you know , you just want to

6:13

do something that is , that is fun , right

6:15

, and that seems like you're being a slacker

6:17

, but you , your , your brain and your body

6:19

is saying you need to do this fun thing , I don't

6:21

want to do this hard thing , and that's you know , that's okay

6:23

.

6:23

That's okay .

6:24

There are some ramifications to that

6:26

, but it's okay , it's enough to do that today

6:28

. Yes , now , one of the things that was always tough for

6:30

me and one of the things that was made me reluctant to

6:32

really discuss this topic

6:35

for a long time , is , I found

6:37

, at least in my , in my own initial thinking

6:39

that when you are , when

6:41

you set goals , when you have things that you want

6:43

to accomplish , when there are things that you want to improve

6:45

on about yourself , right

6:47

in terms of you know , maybe it's your behaviors

6:49

, maybe it's your , you know , some athletic

6:52

goal you have , maybe it's a career goal that you have

6:54

I thought that the acceptance of myself

6:56

today precluded , you

6:58

know , striving for getting

7:01

forward , getting better , because how could I want to get

7:03

better if I was already satisfied with

7:05

what I am today ? And sort of what I have found

7:07

is , I don't think you can like wrangle

7:09

too much with the what the words mean and

7:12

just like , okay , I am okay , I am all

7:14

of me today . I am worthy of

7:16

love , I am worthy of accepting

7:18

myself , but I can still have goals

7:20

, I can still work for things , I can still work

7:22

damn hard at things , and that's not

7:24

incompatible with I

7:27

am . I'm good enough now Everything

7:29

I need to be . I'm good enough now . Everything

7:31

is fine just today . I'm all that I need to be

7:33

.

7:34

Well , and I think , what that ? What that ? Really

7:36

, at least my understanding

7:38

, from my own experience , I

7:40

believe that the the

7:43

tug there comes

7:45

with expectation . So

7:48

if you are really tied to expectation

7:50

and outcome , then you get

7:52

very caught up in that

7:54

have to keep going , have to keep

7:56

doing , have to it has to be bigger , better , whatever

7:58

. But I think if you are

8:01

just , you just want to continue

8:03

to be your best self

8:05

.

8:06

There's a there's a different , there's

8:08

a different mindset that way , and I think too

8:10

, if you come to enjoy

8:13

the process in the moment that's it

8:15

. That is it In terms of being

8:17

a friendlier person , you know , being

8:20

a healthier person , what

8:22

all those things are ? we're all those little you know I

8:24

need , I want to do this today

8:26

All those check boxes can be compatible

8:28

with with radical self acceptance in the moment

8:31

, but it's okay to if you . This is how

8:33

I spend my day , basically improving

8:35

, being happier , being nicer , doing

8:39

more right , as long as there is a self , self

8:42

negative talk involved with it

8:44

, as long as there is a disappointment

8:46

and some things . Now I've sort of ratcheted that my my

8:48

goal is to do less right area

8:50

right , and that's .

8:51

That's okay , right ? Yeah

8:54

, it's a very challenging thing and

8:57

I guess I'm curious

8:59

how , what , what approach

9:01

or method did you use when

9:04

you decided to embrace

9:06

this mindset ? I

9:08

?

9:08

don't know if it was . I

9:11

always talk to the guys at the gym . I say , like

9:13

you know , just becoming older you're

9:15

just less angry most of the time , you're

9:18

less competitive . And I , I and I don't

9:20

know if it's because we become wiser as

9:22

we get older or and I truly

9:24

believe there's some biology involved , right

9:26

, particularly for men , because I think as you begin

9:28

to lose , some of your testosterone

9:31

that makes you a little more competitive , a little more aggressive

9:33

, a little more challenging of yourself

9:36

and , and wanting to get better

9:38

, I think you do allow yourself to become

9:40

a little I don't want to say less , but a little

9:42

more accepting of . I don't have

9:44

to be the best , I don't have to rise to the top , I

9:46

don't have to step on other people's shoulders . You

9:48

know , to get to the top , I don't have to constantly

9:51

be comparing myself with other people or

9:53

comparing myself to myself yesterday

9:55

and wanting to always be better , better , better , better

9:57

, more , more right . And

9:59

I , I , I just think it's , it's

10:01

a constant look at you

10:04

. Know , where am I ? What makes me the happiest

10:06

, what makes me the best person right ? And

10:08

I think , when you , when I think about what

10:10

the best person is , I think that's just shifted over

10:12

time as I become exposed to more , to

10:15

the realization that being a more giving

10:17

, loving , compassionate person actually

10:20

makes me better , better person and

10:22

actually makes me feel happier inside . So it's almost

10:24

, I'm almost doing it for myself

10:27

, absolutely others so sort of enlightened

10:29

self-interest , and the the more more

10:31

I have embraced that . I

10:33

think that acceptance has become

10:35

a more powerful and a

10:37

bigger part of my life .

10:40

I think for me , I , I , I , I , I

10:42

remember having a very clear thought

10:44

of I'm tired of being

10:46

the person that I am . You

10:49

know , I am just so tired

10:51

of the struggle and the self-doubt

10:54

and the self-criticism and the just

10:57

a constant disappointment

11:02

and chatter in

11:05

my head about how I wasn't meeting

11:07

up , making it , you know , making the grade and meeting

11:10

expectations and that kind of stuff and it , and

11:13

consequently I was very unhappy , you

11:15

know , because if you're always feeling disappointed

11:17

with yourself , then you're not happy

11:20

. And so that realization

11:22

I actually to

11:25

for to change my mind , said I , I

11:27

use an affirmation yeah , I know

11:29

those are very powerful . I just started saying

11:31

I am , I am enough , exactly as I am

11:34

, and that was anytime a negative thought

11:36

arose , that was my go-to

11:38

, and as soon as the negative thought arose , I would

11:40

just take a breath and I would say nope

11:42

, you know what ?

11:43

in this moment , I am good enough , exactly

11:46

as I am and you talk about that too , and

11:48

I know , for me I'm reflecting back as

11:50

you're talking , I'm thinking back about myself and I

11:52

know , you know , for most of my life

11:55

especially young adults very

11:57

competitive person , right , you know , always

11:59

trying to do , do better , do this , do that

12:01

. And you know I came to a realization

12:04

, I think mid-career for me , that you know

12:06

just wasn't a way to live , it was , it was sort

12:08

of a dead end , not for a career

12:10

, but it's dead end in terms of happiness in

12:13

life . And I realized , you know , I

12:15

wanted to be . When I say happy , I

12:17

mean sort of satisfied and

12:19

okay with myself and sort of at

12:21

peace , right , every day . And

12:23

you know , if you're constantly competing and you

12:25

, you know you as you as the , as

12:27

you're rising up in an organization , the

12:29

competitions get fiercer because the the

12:32

, the skills of your

12:34

competitors , you know , get closer

12:36

and closer to your own , and pretty soon , whereas

12:38

you know , I always got every job I wanted , I

12:40

always got this promotion , I always got that promotion

12:42

as I'm rising towards the top . Well , now I'm

12:45

, now I'm competing with other people who have the same

12:47

experience and all of a sudden , well , I

12:49

didn't get that job I wanted . And then maybe

12:51

it happened again . And now , as the competition

12:53

gets more and more close to where you know you're along

12:55

a peer group , you realize , well , maybe

12:58

I can't win at all , or all the time

13:00

. And you think , well , well , that's really

13:02

disappointing and that really makes me happy

13:04

and you realize that's going to happen more and

13:06

more often and you have to reevaluate

13:08

you know your whole approach to your career

13:11

and life and think I'm

13:14

okay as I am right now and

13:16

that's okay and I can still do these

13:18

other things . I can still have these goals . I can still

13:20

try to do more and better . But

13:24

the expectation has

13:26

to be reduced . The acceptance of where I am and

13:28

what I do had to be there and

13:30

it's just . It took a while to

13:32

do that .

13:33

Oh my gosh . Yes , and I'm thinking literally a

13:35

decade or more to grapple with all

13:37

of those life changes and become more accepted . Well , because

13:39

you go through a long period of years where you're just unhappy

13:41

and you don't even know it . Perhaps Right

13:44

right .

13:45

Because I know fiercely competing all the time

13:47

is just exhausting and

13:50

you are not happy because

13:52

, you're constantly looking over your shoulder for your competitors

13:54

.

13:55

You're running that . You're never getting anywhere

13:57

Exactly when that's the motivation . You

14:00

can run all you want . You're still on a treadmill .

14:03

So I don't know that we've made a

14:05

great point here at all or not , but

14:07

I think the fact that you need

14:09

to be accepting of yourself and whatever you

14:12

bring to the table today is okay

14:14

. That's enough . I think that's the key thing

14:16

we wanted to bring to this particular episode . But

14:19

is there one thing in this context that

14:22

you can sort of give to or recommend

14:24

to our listeners ?

14:25

I think you know it's so frequently

14:27

the same as all the other . Excuse me all

14:31

the other things , but I really think

14:33

that each and every one of us

14:35

needs to pause . Even

14:38

those of us who have made the journey , who have grasped

14:42

this concept , who have made the change , you still

14:44

need to be vigilant . You need to pause and

14:46

listen to the dialogue in

14:49

your head and find those points

14:51

of the moments

14:53

where you are saying you're

14:55

not good enough .

14:56

Yeah , and I think you know , even if you

14:58

set goals within that context , you're not going to

15:00

make them every day , Right ? You know , sometimes you just

15:02

can't do it and I think to go back and

15:04

say that's okay , I am enough right

15:07

now .

15:07

I did my best .

15:08

And that's all you need to do and that brings

15:11

you a sense of peace . You

15:14

know , even though that day didn't go , maybe not the way you liked

15:16

it and you are uncomfortable with that , but it's okay

15:18

and you can recover from that

15:20

sooner and find the peace to then go

15:22

on to do what you want to do tomorrow .

15:25

Yes , acceptance creates an opening . It

15:27

opens a door . So , instead of feeling

15:29

like you're constantly bumping up against failure

15:31

, the acceptance of

15:33

it's just life , it's change .

15:35

You're doing the best you can , and so

15:38

I think that's all we will say for today and

15:40

important , I think a really important topic though . And

15:43

it's yeah , it is and I think you it's

15:46

like the thing you posted today with

15:48

our group you know you're going to fall

15:50

in back into your old patterns , but

15:52

the more you grapple with it , the more you think about

15:54

it , the more you contemplate it , the sooner you're

15:56

recognizing that you're back into that old pattern

15:59

and you're able to get out of it sooner , and

16:01

that's a major victory .

16:02

Oh my gosh .

16:03

You begin to do it less and less . You get out of it sooner and

16:05

sooner . You never erase it completely , but

16:07

your life just becomes so much more peaceful

16:09

and you get more life satisfaction , more

16:11

happiness .

16:12

You got it .

16:14

And so until next time

16:16

, this has been Just One Thing

16:18

.