0:00

kakos industries is ad free to

0:02

to help keep it that consider

0:06

patreon

0:08

and pledging $8 or

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more a month with

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you are about to hear the

0:18

second to last straw

2:07

surprise

2:11

i didn't choke on my breakfast

2:13

and that was hours ago

2:16

nevermind what we'll talk about this later hello

2:19

and welcome to the caicos industries corporate

2:21

shareholder announcements of caicos

2:23

industries we help our clients and really to

2:25

some extent every living thing

2:28

to do evil better my name

2:30

is currently eat the third and i am ceo

2:33

shareholders i do apologize for the interruption

2:35

at the top of the broadcast you

2:37

see this gentleman has been following

2:40

me around all day and singing songs

2:42

about my most basic actions things

2:45

i do everyday things i don't think

2:47

much about it's completely out

2:49

of my control he has a piano

2:51

on wheels that he brings around and is somehow

2:54

able to get up stepson steep hills

2:57

i have not been able to get rid of you

2:59

, there are some complicated

3:01

regulations around what one might call

3:04

bards i know that's

3:06

all of you that love tabletop rpgs

3:08

literally just ruins your pants

3:11

at the word barred coming out of my mouth

3:14

but there is some history of bards

3:16

in regards to caucus industries and

3:19

evil as caucus whole and

3:21

no i'm not just talking about rolling

3:24

to seduce an innkeeper when the rest of your

3:26

party would really like to be are fighting the

3:28

dragon now police evil

3:31

, many other things is often worth

3:33

being immortalized and song and as

3:35

such we have to make certain affordances

3:38

for those who wish to enshrine these

3:40

evil individuals and evil

3:42

deeds in verse verse

3:45

get into that more later as

3:47

to why today is supposed to be the

3:49

day i die i cannot

3:51

say as far as i know

3:53

he is referring to me specifically

3:56

not anyone else with his name but

3:58

there has been little to go in terms

4:00

of why this is my last day we

4:03

have been searching through books prophecies

4:05

and other metaphysical claims to see if

4:07

there's even an explanation for why this

4:10

person might think today is my

4:12

last day they

4:14

did a bunch of blood work on me and scans

4:16

on me earlier and everything is more

4:18

or less as it should be unhealthy

4:21

, that leads us to threats from

4:23

without without do not know

4:25

of any as of yet no one

4:27

has challenge to me or

4:30

threatened me there has

4:32

been no notice of danger or

4:34

intent to harm it

4:36

is puzzling that

4:39

people can just think you had any

4:41

time that it's going to be my last day

4:43

and there's nothing stopping them

4:46

there's also nothing stopping me from

4:48

waking up tomorrow at least

4:50

not anything obvious time

4:53

i've decided that this is likely a

4:55

prank by one of my competitors or

4:57

perhaps even one of the people

4:59

i have dared to call a friend sandman

5:02

stephen has had an energy and

5:04

excitement to him all day i

5:06

, what my mortal danger does to him

5:09

in terms of of rousing

5:11

his spirits but i'm doing my

5:13

best not to take it personally he's

5:16

indicating that he is very sorry

5:18

but he is not indicating that anything

5:21

i've said so far as wrong well

5:24

let's move on

5:29

i must also apologized for

5:31

the last set of announcements i

5:33

was certainly under the weather and not

5:35

performing at my best in times

5:37

like those i have to rely on those who

5:40

work under me to do their jobs without

5:42

supervision and ,

5:44

that's completely fine fine

5:46

times you get reports about video

5:48

game characters coming out of televisions

5:50

like that at all at or

5:53

advertisement for employees pet projects

5:56

at any rate own back to my usual

5:58

strength and to my the and hopefully

6:01

it will be some time before i am

6:03

at diminished capacity again

6:08

today's broadcast is coming to from

6:10

an oversized novelty pen

6:13

they're , it the pen radio fifteen

6:17

minutes well the joke is obvious

6:19

but the execution is terrible this

6:22

, comes to us as a collaboration

6:24

between our division of radio transmission

6:27

transmission parks novelty parks novelty

6:31

and it's pretty obvious

6:33

what happened here although the inspiration

6:36

is a little murky did they just

6:38

draw a division and a client

6:40

out of a hat that would make

6:43

sense if it wasn't specifically the

6:45

division of radio transmission who

6:47

oversees these broadcasts

6:50

their inclusion is a little too

6:52

suspicious it makes

6:54

you wonder and

6:56

wonder is what we do a lot here

6:59

certainly some of our biggest questions

7:01

have answers but we know that the people

7:04

who know those answers are

7:06

unhappy and perhaps we're

7:08

better off not knowing knowledge

7:10

is a funny thing i

7:13

am told that this pen has to speakers

7:16

on opposite sides of it's body and

7:18

that both of them produce mediocre

7:20

sounds then

7:23

a bit tinny you know the

7:25

drill sheep i

7:28

am told that it only works if you are currently

7:30

writing so it was delivered with some

7:32

paper and some select phrases

7:35

for you to right over and over

7:37

again i love caicos

7:39

is one of the phrases i'm

7:41

a dirty little sex machine is another

7:44

inexplicably the under

7:46

forest is where is home at is

7:49

also an option and

7:51

i'm not sure anyone actually knows what

7:53

that means they

7:55

asked me if i wanted to include

7:58

anything about my leadership or sex peel

8:01

any answer was no i

8:03

i'm not so insecure i do not

8:05

need you to write repeatedly about my

8:07

appeals or prowess you

8:09

know them well and you do not need

8:11

to be reminded this

8:13

broadcasts like all of our broadcasts

8:16

is strictly for caicos industries shareholders

8:19

if you are not a shareholder and you somehow

8:21

come into possession of one of these pens

8:24

then you will need to rights i'm a little

8:26

evil monster repeatedly on the page

8:30

this will not save you from our clutches

8:32

but it will allow you to become evil which

8:35

will preserve your life at least in the short

8:37

term

8:41

we recently had the ceo festival

8:43

of the deaths i didn't have

8:45

much say in the planning on account of

8:47

my illness so i was surprised to see

8:49

that it was exactly

8:51

like it always is many

8:54

of you danced in ways that lampooned

8:56

me personally the made fun

8:58

of my appearance and my mannerisms

9:00

and a times made suggestions about odd

9:02

sexual behaviors i might engage and and

9:05

i had the pleasure of deciding who's dancing

9:08

was so great that i couldn't deny

9:10

its merits and who's dancing

9:12

fell ever so slightly sort of that

9:15

and landed that individual in fourth place

9:18

the fourth place prize is the opportunity

9:21

to test a number of exciting new roller

9:23

coasters at the mega

9:25

thrills theme park and krystal texas

9:28

the primary testing facility for the

9:30

division of thrill ride testing there

9:33

is no guarantee the rides

9:35

are finished for safe and

9:38

it's kind of the point if

9:40

you're going to make fun of me and dance on

9:42

a day set aside to honor me

9:45

then you had at least better aim for

9:47

gold of the winning routine

9:50

came to us from dorian smit willie

9:53

as offensive and provocative as was

9:55

i could not deny the skill that went into his

9:58

routine were dressed as me

10:00

see some hell bent over backwards

10:02

and said his head up his own ass i

10:05

don't know how a human spine allows

10:07

for that but some people are just flexible

10:10

just flexible fourth

10:12

place ended up being a group routine

10:14

where they assembled and exaggerated

10:16

a number of my idiosyncrasies i'll

10:19

admit that admit found some parts of it to be humorous

10:21

but that did not save them i

10:24

have asked the division of thrill ride testing

10:26

to go easy on

10:30

we have the festival of some nebulae

10:33

sun coming i am told

10:35

the seem this year is nineties

10:37

rave that sounds

10:40

like a ton of fun it is a shame

10:42

we will likely not remember it

10:47

we also have the festival of fertility

10:49

coming up i'm , that they

10:52

accidentally made too much com

10:55

so get ready

10:57

i guess you know if

10:59

you're trying to conceive

11:04

i received another note earlier like

11:06

i did last time it asked

11:08

to the same question do you

11:11

like me but this time it

11:13

has a pen drawing of the person

11:16

i don't know who you are depend

11:18

drawing is not very helpful i

11:21

might like you for i might not i

11:23

don't have enough information to go information

11:28

i have been updates from the met most wins

11:30

clarissa and had era

11:33

me and etti have been doing their damnedest

11:35

to get anything out of those two other than

11:38

listless moans and rule apparently

11:41

they were able to get actual words from

11:43

them they stood in front of timmy and

11:45

eddie and read this poem that they had written to

11:48

me did her best to recounted to me respectfully

11:51

but i think you'll see why there might have

11:53

been some difficulty there

11:55

murders had

11:57

so much worse words

11:59

the girth gave us rebirth

12:03

quarter , of coldness

12:05

had a dearth quarter girth

12:08

was full of mirth corridor

12:11

goes a had a jolly goes

12:14

now quarter girth is

12:16

entered in the earth

12:21

now there's not much to go on here partly

12:23

because there are so few words that

12:25

rhyme with quarter girth and

12:27

by the looks of it they weren't able to include

12:30

the city of purse or dark mega calling

12:32

from apparently

12:34

after reading this poem in unison

12:36

they flipped onto the ground they

12:39

were examined by our health teams once again

12:41

and they are fine except for maybe a bump

12:43

on the head from the fall they

12:46

were basically unresponsive after

12:48

that look the

12:50

motherfucker eight me you don't

12:52

just get to eat me and live

12:54

okay

13:05

the

13:12

ah

13:16

our and is some face was

13:19

seems a bit risque

13:22

what are human and

13:24

april first with him

13:27

over

13:47

no substitute

13:49

, monsters every day

13:52

figuratively or the

13:55

movies or room way

14:04

whoa who do ,

14:07

pay for car max human

14:09

the limo

14:21

you gotta fans say good

14:23

bye to the shareholders

14:26

apple sells your ah

14:32

by for him

14:37

how come on it was such

14:39

a minor paper cut i

14:41

didn't think anything of it right

14:44

so there's this thing called barge

14:46

love the , it works is

14:48

that things that would be unacceptable

14:50

or otherwise frowned upon for normal

14:53

people are legal

14:55

and encourage for those claiming to be bards

14:59

they are given a lot of room to experiment

15:01

and transgress in the expectation

15:03

that they will create a great piece of music

15:06

for us they can inconvenience

15:08

they can trespass they can violate

15:10

personal space and privacy in

15:13

the pursuit of their musical inspirations

15:16

there , been many court cases and evil

15:18

courts about this matter and they find

15:21

that in almost all cases having

15:23

a sick song written about you supersedes

15:25

you're right to not be annoyed annoyed

15:28

there are plenty of songs about me but

15:31

apparently the courts still hold that you

15:33

have to let people write songs about you

15:35

within reason which seems to mean

15:37

that a few times a year and at important

15:40

moments in your life you can be

15:42

barred it at without at

15:45

and even if i was part of that a number

15:47

of times already this year the

15:49

last of my days qualifies

15:51

as an qualifies moment this

15:54

may be a loophole intentionally

15:56

exploited if exploited do awaken

15:58

tomorrow whole and hailed there may be some

16:00

grounds for legal action and barred courts

16:03

it's , to get your way and barred court

16:05

though though like a bards union

16:08

and oldest president and you have to like

16:10

prove that they knew what they were doing

16:12

was wrong and if any barred

16:15

has ever gotten away with something similar

16:17

than you're never going to convince the bar judge

16:19

and anyway it's best to just let them

16:21

do their thing their guess

16:24

the

16:26

division of erotic experiences to set me

16:28

a picture of what appears to be

16:30

just a ball of tits it

16:32

, like if one of those hell monsters

16:34

was breasts instead of hands

16:37

or elbows or whatever whatever

16:39

is no is this

16:41

might be what they think is most sex that

16:43

elusive hiked of sexuality that they

16:45

have been searching for now for years

16:49

but it could also just be some arts they

16:51

made they're not all

16:53

the same do by the way they seem

16:55

to have different characteristics

16:58

i'm not going to going into detail okay

17:02

they actually just sent me another picture it's

17:05

the ball of boobs in a cage

17:09

is that sexier the

17:12

can't really get into them i don't know do

17:14

they have names personalities what

17:16

are they like i'm missing important

17:18

info here

17:23

the division of figuring out what all these keys

17:25

go to found two keys that when

17:27

interlocked in just the right way fit

17:30

perfectly together who

17:32

don't open anything but they do

17:34

fits together nicely they

17:37

say that it has to be significant

17:39

and that the odds of such a combination occurring

17:42

by random chance is less than

17:44

one and several million it

17:46

makes some kind of wild art project

17:48

that only they would appreciate they

17:51

also told me there's a bit of a sound when

17:54

the keys fit together that is and

17:56

i'm quoting hear what it probably

17:58

sounds like when seized climax

18:02

that like a dog squeaking sounds never

18:06

met i don't want to know

18:10

the division of kind you battle reenactment

18:13

recently performed garson neck vs

18:15

old face garson

18:18

, is kind of this half a wizard half

18:20

roots kind of thing thing

18:23

old faces like this monster that has

18:25

mostly space for a for this

18:28

was a battle that supposedly happened back

18:30

in the fifties and it went on for days

18:32

the division of kg battle reenactment to

18:34

this as a fundraiser where they

18:36

did the whole battle blow for blow

18:39

for days the fundraiser

18:41

went to help evil children somewhere

18:43

or something like that i

18:46

gave them some money their commitment

18:48

to the details is just incredible the

18:52

division of unusual exercises

18:54

has started recommending to people all

18:56

over social media to a

18:58

try widening their pelvic floor

19:01

muscles make him or

19:03

wide i'm not sure

19:05

the exercises they're recommending for

19:07

this actually do that

19:09

but it gives them an opportunity

19:11

to show people in tight pants doing a number

19:13

of provocative things with their buttocks

19:16

i guess that's evil i

19:18

was questioned what they do in that division

19:21

in the head one danya quist

19:23

came down to my office and destroyed my

19:25

mug with a single but sheikh honestly

19:28

the amount of posturing that goes on in this

19:30

building this ridiculous

19:33

shareholders

19:35

it's time to do another employee spotlight

19:38

today we're spotlighting guess bar marin

19:42

gaspar , in the division of taxidermy

19:45

apparently he taxes are made the monster

19:47

formerly known as a three seven

19:49

dash nine see dash eleven okay

19:52

the mind melting terror the died

19:54

recently have more or less natural

19:57

causes with such incredible accuracy

19:59

that no one can actually go into that

20:01

room anymore except him way

20:04

to go guess bar you went above

20:06

and beyond and now we have another unusable

20:08

room still i'm

20:11

sure it's incredible work they

20:13

tell me that he now has some kind of

20:15

neurological issue with his vision that prevents

20:18

him from seeing certain kinds of things

20:20

including things that inspired deep and insurmountable

20:23

dread that's actually

20:26

useful skill around here guess

20:28

mars got a long career ahead of him

20:33

there me and etti have recently added

20:35

a motorcycle slots to their max

20:38

so they fly around in these humanoid robots

20:40

and then when they go to land they can eject

20:43

out onto a motorcycle the

20:45

test have not gone as smoothly as you

20:47

might hope the skin of kimi

20:49

left side has some gnarly road rash

20:51

at the moment but it's healing nicely

20:54

the other day i saw etti completely nail

20:57

the ejection onto the motorcycle and

20:59

and did some six kids in the parking lot

21:02

honestly it's cool as hell jimmy

21:06

suggested adding a sidecar to her motorcycle

21:08

both for stability and also

21:10

so that when i fly with her i can get ejected

21:13

also i'm not sure that's

21:15

the kind of thing of thing being

21:17

propelled out of a robot onto a sick motorcycle

21:20

is rad as hell but

21:23

it's a lot like being shot out of a cannon you

21:26

know how that happens

21:28

you that few times new either decide you

21:30

love it for your turned off to it

21:32

forever that's what i think

21:34

anyway and he suggested

21:36

that i get my own motorcycle which might

21:38

work and , really more of a for

21:41

real person i understand

21:43

they have some plans in place to try to make

21:45

their robots sit together robots sit a

21:47

larger robot what they say

21:49

that's our to accomplish without

21:51

at least for robots there

21:54

was a heavy implication

21:56

in be air i can't

21:58

get into mack building i have too many

22:00

hobbies and not enough free time as

22:02

it is that's really cool i'll

22:05

admit that but there's a lot of

22:07

reading the whole lot of reading

22:12

they say that evil once that it all on

22:14

black and then burned down the casino

22:17

making all of the roulette spaces black

22:20

then didn't rob the casino this

22:23

is things were taking credit for now they

22:26

were taking credit for lavender spear

22:28

men's senate one sank

22:31

as smell you caught a whiff of that one

22:33

time that made you almost

22:35

bomb and of course we can't be certain

22:37

that we disease that switch you had better

22:39

believe us see if you don't

22:42

there is a yet worse smell

22:44

and you just might catch you with kids

22:49

love with has one today's ruined alive

22:51

drawings that means that the life

22:53

of kits nemesis will be ruined

22:56

that , his mother fucker jones

23:00

jones gave the wheel assert he spends and

23:02

it landed on the space for space

23:05

from this day forward my fucker jones

23:07

will be thirty three percent more hungry

23:09

both for food and also for many

23:12

other things many life this hunger

23:14

won't be so extreme that a can't be ignored

23:16

but it will take some brain power to keep it

23:18

at bay for evil measure kit

23:20

loveless will be thirteen percent less hungry

23:23

in all the ways that matter congratulations

23:26

, when and best of luck

23:29

the damnation

23:31

and ruination squad have been running around

23:34

in old timey barrels with sanders

23:37

said must have made them themselves we

23:39

do occasionally used barrels for things

23:42

but it's fairly rare outside of the division

23:44

as spirituous slickers i

23:46

don't have that much of a problem with this one

23:48

is not message stuff particularly

23:51

obscene it is funny

23:53

and it reduces the number of them that can

23:56

be in a given face due to the size

23:58

of the barrel

23:59

the

23:59

want them collecting

24:02

anywhere

24:10

kleinman the for the

24:12

first time around look

24:17

at a d of course walking

24:20

down the hall room though

24:23

he's , know says just saw

24:26

high these vaulted ceilings

24:28

workers oh oh

24:30

never looks about movies

24:36

but he's gonna be crushed by

24:38

way more than responsibility

24:45

wait didn't you have a piano before

24:49

i , i mentioned earlier on yeah

24:52

you definitely had you definitely the

24:55

lyric about being crushed by my work there's

25:00

a piano over my head shareholders

25:02

said , really poorly yeah

25:05

that could definitely crush me any minute hey

25:09

wait a second for you a bard

25:11

assassins oh

25:19

then you can be in here only regular

25:21

birds are allowed to follow people around

25:23

like this you're violating barred law

25:27

oh wow security was really on

25:29

a day

25:30

they got that guy the hell out of here fast

25:34

the , is still up there though

25:36

though i have to finish these finish

25:40

i think i have to risk it sound

25:42

manner are you going to be able to hold on excitement

25:46

shareholders he might ourselves

25:49

let's wrap this up

25:50

destroy that pen however and

25:52

here are the numbers

25:54

thirteen thirteen

25:57

for

25:59

thirteen thirteen

26:01

thirteen for thirteen

26:05

, thirteen five

26:09

thirteen ,

26:12

thirteen eight and

26:15

i'm out of here

26:39

auto industry has written and produced

26:42

by conrad mess up who is also the

26:44

voice of corn indies and the composer

26:46

of the music the introductions

26:48

are read by ryan jenkins and the credits

26:50

or read by brianna kettle a docent

26:53

wielding museum

26:54

these special ,

26:56

appearance in this episode by oliver morris

26:59

you can catch more from them i that

27:02

psychedelic horrifying

27:04

nawab podcast canaan feals

27:07

on that just psychedelic podcast

27:10

a lightning bala i remember

27:12

the name please

27:15

does the tacos industries dot com

27:17

for news extras and more episodes

27:20

there are also transcriptions on the website

27:22

if you'd like to read along with the caicos industries

27:24

announcements that's k a

27:27

k o s i n d

27:29

u s t r i

27:31

e s dot com please

27:34

visit store dot caicos industries

27:36

dot com for merchandise and special offers

27:39

and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription

27:41

donor at caicos industries dot com

27:43

slash patriot you can submit

27:46

one time donations are paypal dot

27:48

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27:50

can also purchase gear and [unk] items

27:52

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students comments for a strong desire

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29:00

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too large for yarn directed by ceo

29:05

cornet has started to knit

29:07

the guests for the hotel now

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there's a family was too many kids

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the division of obscure vintage technology

29:14

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29:16

old electric signal sequencer that

29:19

online auction apparently

29:21

it has uses and torture the

29:23

division of subtle efficiency increases

29:25

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29:27

increasing the fiber in the diet certain

29:30

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29:32

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29:34

it's a long way directed by dyno schroeder

29:36

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29:38

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29:40

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29:42

division of caicos cafeteria reviews

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29:47

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29:49

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29:51

of thirteen the division of

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improbable cookbooks directed by hate

29:55

enough has been working on everything

29:58

is cheese it it

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30:03

is probably the most probable one

30:05

yet the division of hallway

30:07

wandering directed by jack has been strolling

30:09

down a hallway to twenty three

30:12

there's a spot as a solid twenty degrees

30:14

cooler than the rest of the building the

30:17

division of more monday monday's directed by

30:19

odie has discovered a way to make monday's

30:21

that much more monday the to

30:23

the air conditioning being said just

30:25

a little too low after having no

30:28

one in the office all weekend the

30:30

division a villainous introspection directed

30:32

by sarah has continued trying to figure

30:34

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30:37

the weakness is gaining ground

30:39

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30:42

meme the division of new card

30:44

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30:46

a card that has frog juice all

30:49

around the edge and you will start

30:51

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30:54

still have to finish your turn however the

30:56

division of applied retro pungent hearing

30:58

directed by pine pullman has developed

31:01

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31:03

just won't stay dead the division

31:05

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co ltd blaze had discovered

31:10

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31:12

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31:15

bugs can tell you all about the

31:18

division of animal stalking directed by the

31:20

one true dave stacked a bunch of snakes

31:22

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31:24

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31:26

upset the division of things

31:28

with switches that shouldn't have switches directed

31:31

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31:33

thirteenth has introduced

31:35

a pencil you can turn off looks

31:37

much the same minutes off states but

31:39

do try to use it like that the

31:42

division a fiendish crosswords directed by caitlin

31:44

moke has made an entire crossword that is

31:46

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31:48

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31:51

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the division of unwanted board game expansions

31:56

directed by kevin rollins has created

31:58

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32:00

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32:03

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32:05

of granularity no one asked for

32:08

the , of post apocalyptic delivery

32:10

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32:12

valley in the mountains mountains

32:14

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32:17

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32:20

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