1:59

entertain shareholders, but it will also,

2:02

if my incredibly foolish plan works,

2:05

keep the universe off of my dick

2:07

at least long enough for me to get through

2:10

the announcements. You might also

2:12

be thinking, but Corin, doesn't this interfere

2:14

with actually announcing anything? And

2:18

you're right, but you're also wrong

2:20

in assuming that I have to announce anything.

2:23

I am required to do these announcements

2:25

in my job description, but what I announce

2:28

is not as strictly regulated.

2:30

Certainly, having things to announce

2:33

helps to fill the time, but

2:35

honestly, I don't actually have to do

2:38

anything other than sit here and broadcast.

2:43

Alright, there are a few things that I

2:45

do have to give some attention to, but

2:47

I just know that the longer I spend

2:50

on them, the less I am distracting the

2:52

universe itself, which means that I

2:54

need to get through the details quickly.

2:58

The radio you're hearing this broadcast on

3:00

is a sexy pumpkin. If

3:02

you're not a shareholder, we will make

3:04

sure something bad happens to you if you

3:07

continue to listen to these announcements. The

3:10

Festival of Books was horny and

3:12

life-altering. The Festival

3:14

of Pretending to Read Books was somehow

3:17

hornier. Coming

3:19

soon, we will have the Festival of Anti-Celebration

3:22

and Black Friday, which will both be

3:24

tight AF. The Winter Holidays

3:27

will also be sick as hell. I

3:31

have been doing a segment where I answer

3:33

some of your questions about Kakos Industries.

3:36

Today's question is, can I? The

3:39

answer is, no, you cannot.

3:43

If you think you might be seeing these announcements,

3:46

or maybe you want to, head

3:48

to KakosIndustries.com slash

3:51

see, that's S-E-E. Alright,

3:56

I think I got through all of that safely

3:59

without anything terrible. terrible happening, so

4:01

let's get into the storytelling. I

4:04

have a report here from Simon

4:06

Gersh, who you might remember is responsible

4:09

for cleaning the Sea Horror's

4:11

enclosure. Thank

4:14

you for requesting this report, Mr. Deeth,

4:16

and also thank you for the employee spotlight

4:19

a year ago. Obviously,

4:21

I'm used to getting a lot of questions about the

4:23

Sea Horror, but most of those questions

4:25

tend to ignore a lot of what I consider

4:28

to be important details. I

4:30

should probably start with some basics.

4:33

To start with, the name is a bit of a misnomer.

4:36

The Sea Horror has never been in the sea,

4:39

or the ocean, or a lake, or any

4:41

open body of water. Shortly

4:43

after its creation it was put into its tank, and

4:45

that is where it has lived its whole life.

4:48

The Sea Horror's enclosure is a large

4:51

tank of murky water around 50 meters

4:53

on each side. The water is murky

4:55

for multiple reasons, but it has to remain

4:58

murky because the scientists

5:00

think that helps to keep the Sea Horror

5:02

calm and healthy. There

5:05

is a thick glass window on one

5:07

side, while the other sides are made of

5:10

steel. The top of the enclosure

5:12

has a hatch which you can open to get

5:14

inside and clean things when it's

5:16

time. It also

5:19

facilitates feeding. I

5:21

mentioned there being a window on one

5:23

side, but the window is covered by

5:25

a big curtain, and I don't think I have ever

5:27

seen the curtain pulled back. The

5:30

enclosure itself is located in basement 88

5:32

and 1 third. Where

5:35

the hallway ends, a cavern begins,

5:37

and this is a place where a lot of the more horrifying

5:40

monsters and creations of Kakos

5:42

Industries reside. There's

5:45

a woman, Carol, who sits

5:47

in a booth at the start of the cavern to

5:49

warn people. Apparently a

5:51

sign wasn't quite enough and people kept wandering

5:53

down the hallway. The advantage to

5:56

Carol is that she has this quiet

5:58

kind of terror. Terrifying manner

6:01

about her that when she tells you something

6:03

is a bad idea, it makes you

6:05

want to run in the other direction. Or

6:08

so I've been told. I like

6:10

Carol. I find nothing off-putting

6:12

about her at all. I think she's a sweetheart.

6:15

We get drinks sometimes. Some of

6:17

the scientists I've worked with on this project

6:19

and others in Basement 88 and 1 3rd

6:23

seem to talk about Carol like she's actually

6:25

one of the experiments, but it seems impolite

6:28

for me to pry. The

6:30

sea horror is fed once every week

6:32

and the meal is typically an entire cow,

6:35

or a couple of pigs, or sometimes

6:37

more rarely some living experiment

6:40

or other that has been marked for recycling.

6:43

The animals have to be alive unfortunately,

6:46

because the sea horror won't eat anything

6:49

that isn't completely terrified. It

6:51

can detect those chemicals in the body that

6:53

indicate a stress response. It's

6:56

the only thing that really triggers its feeding

6:58

response, which I am told was by

7:00

design. Whose design?

7:03

I don't know. It usually does

7:06

a pretty good job of eating the whole animal,

7:08

but sometimes I have to clean up bones

7:10

and such from the bottom of the enclosure. My

7:13

job primarily consists of sucking

7:15

up debris from the bottom of the enclosure.

7:19

This includes waste products from the sea horror,

7:21

which is usually a sort of thick black sludge

7:23

that is unlike anything I have ever

7:26

seen before. I use a kind of

7:28

vacuum that sucks this up. We

7:31

then top off the water in case I've sucked

7:33

up too much. The scientists mention

7:35

that the consequences of letting the sea horror

7:37

out of the water were unknown, but

7:40

likely disastrous. Once

7:43

I've sucked up the sludge from the bottom

7:45

and removed any bones by hand, I

7:47

give the window a cleaning from the inside,

7:50

should anyone ever want to look inside

7:52

the enclosure. The water

7:55

is murky, but it's possible to see

7:57

a meter or so in front of you. I

8:00

should probably mention here that I am not

8:02

one of the scientists who works with the sea horror. I

8:05

am a trained diver and I have a background

8:07

in cleaning aquariums. I've

8:09

done some cave diving, rescue diving,

8:12

and the like. I've been in shark tanks

8:14

and other dangerous environments. A

8:17

few years ago, I found myself in

8:19

need of a new job and somehow I

8:21

ended up at Kakos Industries. My

8:23

entrance tests told them that I had one of the lowest

8:26

fear responses they had ever seen.

8:29

That explained a lot about my life. I've

8:31

gotten myself into serious trouble more times

8:34

than I'd like to list, and for most of those

8:36

situations I've been able to get out safely

8:38

simply by not panicking. There

8:41

was the time when I was stuck in an underwater

8:44

cave for seven days, but the rescue divers

8:46

were able to bring me snacks and

8:48

air and they were eventually able to dislodge

8:50

me. Decompression was a

8:52

real pain in the ass after that one. My

8:55

skills as a diver and my near immunity

8:58

to fear made me the perfect candidate for

9:00

working with the sea horror. I

9:02

didn't even flinch when they told me about the job,

9:04

and I haven't been eaten yet, so that's

9:07

a positive sign. The

9:09

previous divers didn't retire. They

9:12

were all eaten. I have their notes

9:14

and recommendations in a file in

9:16

the locker room. They mostly involve

9:19

breathing exercises to keep calm, and

9:21

also tips for treating these small wounds

9:23

you will inevitably end up with. I'll

9:26

talk about those in a little bit.

9:29

They also talk about a feeling of developing

9:31

a relationship with the sea horror. They

9:33

talk about feeling like it respects

9:35

them and gives them distance. I

9:38

can relate to those feelings. When

9:41

you're in the tank for so long with the creature, it's

9:43

hard not to feel like you're getting to know it,

9:45

even just barely. It

9:48

feels like you develop a camaraderie.

9:50

It feels like maybe the sea horror appreciates

9:53

what you do. That's a nice feeling.

9:56

The previous divers also mentioned some

9:58

superstitions for it. how to clean the

10:00

tank with the least chance of a sighting

10:03

or contact. They talk

10:06

about spiral swimming patterns

10:08

and currents inside the tank created

10:10

by the water filters. I

10:13

don't think any of that really holds true,

10:15

and also, all those guys are dead.

10:17

At least one of them I

10:20

cleaned the sludge that used to be him from

10:22

the bottom of the enclosure. The

10:25

scientists who work on this project seem

10:27

to have mostly abandoned it. The

10:29

sea horror has been determined to be too

10:31

dangerous and also too conspicuous

10:34

to ever release, even in a situation

10:36

where we might want to send a message.

10:40

It doesn't swim exactly. It has

10:42

a way of floating around, but it sort

10:45

of rides the currents inside the tank.

10:48

It never stops moving. You

10:50

might hope that it just stays in a corner

10:52

digesting whatever meal you just fed

10:54

it, but it doesn't. It

10:57

is always moving. The

10:59

best way to avoid it is to keep moving

11:02

yourself. Staying in one place

11:04

for too long only guarantees that

11:06

you are going to make contact, and

11:08

you don't want to do that. I've

11:11

only seen glimpses of it, and

11:13

these are usually assigned to head out for

11:15

the day and try again another time. It

11:18

seems to be a combination of

11:20

things, though I recognize that might

11:22

be like five blind men trying

11:25

to describe an elephant. I

11:27

have seen a tentacle or two, but the body

11:30

of the thing isn't particularly like an octopus,

11:33

or even a fish. It's

11:36

bony, or maybe it has an exoskeleton.

11:39

It's not particularly aerodynamic. It

11:42

can look kind of coffin-like, but

11:45

that might just be from one angle. I

11:48

described it as having waves to me once,

11:50

but I can't say for certain if that was

11:52

an octopus-like arm or a more

11:54

human one. Parts of it are

11:56

sharp and can scratch and cut you

11:59

badly. Parts of it can grab hold

12:01

of you. Other parts feel like

12:03

you've had a cabinet dropped on you. None

12:06

of it feels great. People

12:10

usually ask me what it's like to be in the

12:12

tank with the seahorrer. On

12:14

account of my difficulty with the whole fear

12:16

thing, it's a little difficult for me to know

12:18

what interests people the most, but I'll

12:21

do my best now, for the record. I

12:24

get on my diving gear. I have to wear a

12:26

full oxygen tank instead of using

12:28

an air line from the surface or anything like

12:31

that, because the line can get severed.

12:34

Apparently they found that out the hard way before

12:36

my time. When I open

12:38

the tank up, there is the murky water.

12:41

You can see a little ways, but it looks

12:43

like a bunch of disturbed sediment. You

12:46

can see far enough to know that you're not going to immediately

12:49

run into the horror. You do have

12:51

to move somewhat quickly though. If

12:53

you leave the door open for too long, the

12:55

horror can try to escape, and as

12:58

I mentioned before, we simply don't know

13:00

what will happen in that case. I

13:02

have to enter the enclosure by falling

13:05

backwards tank first, just like I was diving

13:07

off of a boat. There

13:09

is always a moment where I wonder if

13:12

I might just run directly into the seahorrer

13:14

as it moves around in the water, but

13:17

it hasn't happened yet. The water

13:19

is warm. Apparently they don't

13:21

use any heating. The seahorrer

13:23

generates the heat all on its own somehow.

13:27

From that moment on, it's time to move as quickly

13:29

as you can. You don't want to hold still

13:32

and be a stationary target. You

13:34

want to get going right away. I

13:36

do tend to zigzag a bit on my way down.

13:39

The temptation is to swim straight for the bottom,

13:42

with a suction hose, but you

13:44

need to move more erratically. It keeps

13:46

your movement pattern from being too predictable.

13:50

Once you're at the bottom of the tank, you need to move around

13:52

a lot. You can't just go up and

13:54

down in lines, you have to be messier about

13:56

it. If you do anything too orderly

13:58

and too predictable, That's when you're going

14:00

to make contact. The

14:03

thing about being in the water is that it feels

14:06

still. It feels like you're the

14:08

only thing in there. There's no water

14:10

pushing against you. There's a small

14:13

current from the filtration system, but nothing

14:15

that would tell you that there was something

14:17

in there swimming around. Especially

14:20

not something as big as the sea horror.

14:23

It is big, I think, so

14:26

you try to move around quickly, but you

14:28

don't want to create big waves or disturb

14:30

the water too dramatically. That

14:32

also leads to making contact with the creature.

14:36

Once you've gotten a good chunk of the sludge from the bottom

14:38

of the enclosure, it's time to wipe

14:40

down the windows in case any algae

14:42

or other gunk is starting to build up. Again,

14:46

moving in a disorderly fashion makes

14:48

it less likely that you're going to make contact.

14:51

And I guess I should talk about contact. As

14:53

I mentioned before, the sea horror is sharp

14:56

and jagged and hard. It

14:58

doesn't make much sense how it's composed,

15:01

but I guess that's part of the horror. Most

15:04

of the contact I have made is usually just bumping

15:06

into it or it bumping into me. You

15:09

just feel a sharp stabbing sensation

15:11

and then you turn to look. There's nothing

15:14

there. Or

15:16

there is something there and it's not the kind

15:18

of thing you can easily describe. Sometimes

15:22

you touch it and it doesn't cut or

15:24

stab. That's rarer, though.

15:27

Having a flat spot on the creature is unusual.

15:31

It's like a living ball of barbed wire wrapped

15:33

around a skeleton. I'm

15:35

making some assumptions there. I haven't

15:38

seen the whole thing, like I said. Then

15:41

there's another category of contact. That

15:43

category is when it wants to touch you.

15:46

In the worst case, it's still hungry

15:49

and your food. In other cases,

15:51

I don't know what it wants,

15:54

but it can bite. I have a piece

15:56

missing from my left calf and the tip

15:58

of my right pinky finger is gone. on from fights

16:00

like that.

16:02

A lot of people would have quit

16:04

after that, but I think I already

16:06

mentioned that I don't make the smartest decisions.

16:10

It helps that this job pays really well.

16:13

Some people think that it does these small

16:15

contacts to try to scare you and make

16:17

you into something it can eat, but

16:19

it doesn't work so well on me. One

16:22

time when I was down there it grabbed hold of

16:24

my leg. This is a

16:27

different kind of contact. It

16:29

was a tentacle or something like

16:31

that. It wrapped around me. I

16:34

thought, oh great, this is it. And then

16:36

I felt this terrible pain in my leg.

16:39

But it wasn't like a bite. It wasn't eating

16:41

me. I boarded the cleaning for the

16:43

day, but when I got to the hatch it had somehow

16:46

locked it from the inside. I had

16:48

to feel around for a while to figure out how

16:50

it had gotten stuck. The horror

16:52

had somehow scratched the steel

16:55

and wedged a piece of it under the enclosure

16:57

side of things. The only option

16:59

was to slam the door until it opened.

17:02

When I got out I was exhausted and

17:05

winded. The fresh air was

17:07

a relief though. I looked back at

17:09

the enclosure and just as I shut it I

17:11

saw what looked like a face, but maybe

17:14

kind of a skeletal face like

17:16

there wasn't any meat or flesh.

17:19

I looked it in the eye just as I slammed the lid

17:21

shut. I think in that moment I

17:23

felt something like fear. I

17:25

wouldn't know though. When I looked at my

17:28

leg I noticed that it had scratched me pretty

17:30

badly. In the shape

17:32

of the word high, it said

17:34

high. I did mention

17:36

that we were developing a sort of rapport.

17:39

Well, I took some time off after that

17:41

and I'm told that the sludge is building

17:44

up inside and it's time for me to get back

17:46

in there so I'm off again here momentarily.

17:49

Oh, there was another thing I wanted to

17:51

mention. It's weird but I have

17:53

been getting the distinct impression that the sea

17:56

horror is getting larger. I can't

17:58

know for certain but I... get the feeling.

18:01

That is... unsettling for sure, shareholders.

18:05

Thank you for the report, Simon Gersh. Corin.

18:08

Oh, uh, hey, Junior. Are you,

18:11

uh, not taking the little ones to collect candy?

18:13

We have completed our rounds. They

18:15

are now pretending to be asleep while surreptitiously

18:18

consuming sweets, as is

18:20

tradition. That's very cute.

18:23

They are the cutest, Corin, but

18:25

they are in bed now. It is time for

18:27

us adults to party. I'm kind

18:30

of in the middle of the announcements, and

18:33

I'm trying to keep the universe distracted

18:35

so it doesn't fuck with me. Yes,

18:37

Corin, I understand your plan, and to be

18:39

honest, I don't think it is half as foolish

18:42

as you do. It is still a foolish

18:44

plan, but I am on board. This

18:46

is why I have come. I am here to handle

18:49

some of the important details of the broadcast,

18:51

so that you may dodge these sort of damnathes

18:54

threatening to derail things at any moment.

18:57

What do you mean? Corin, you have not told

18:59

the people a single thing about the party going

19:01

on in the building, but I shall spare

19:03

you the trouble. Shareholders, the

19:05

party this evening is exquisite as always.

19:08

There are many zones allowing you to experience

19:11

things however you wish. You

19:13

can have a chill time watching horror films.

19:16

You can go through the jump-scare maze.

19:18

You can hang out in the hot-goth lounge

19:21

with all of the hot goths. You can

19:23

drink things from a cauldron. And

19:25

the babes, shareholders. The babes

19:27

are unreal as always. We've

19:29

got Himbos, Herbos, Bimbos,

19:32

Zembos, Bimboy, Mimbos,

19:36

the M for Monster, Gimbos,

19:38

the G is for Goth.

19:39

And of course, Hot

19:42

Yimbos. What

19:44

is the Y for? If you

19:46

have to ask, you're not ready. I

19:48

can tell from right here that you ain't ready

19:50

for none of that. What you're ready

19:53

for, however, is the substances.

19:56

It is a well-documented fact that my

19:58

metabolism makes it... Incredibly

20:01

difficult for me to get lit, elevated,

20:04

or crunk, but I am told that there

20:06

are some very exciting substances for

20:08

people with weaker livers such as

20:10

yours. There is zalchohol,

20:13

which is sort of like alcohol, but without any

20:15

of the drawbacks. There is an herb

20:17

that they are burning that makes everyone feel

20:20

extra present. It gives

20:22

you a feeling that time is not

20:24

in fact fleeting, but instead you will

20:26

be able to hold on to this moment forever.

20:29

And let us not forget about the music, Corin.

20:32

The music is incredible. I am

20:34

told that they have invented new forms

20:36

of synthesis just for tonight

20:39

so that the dance music hits even

20:41

fucking harder. I see

20:43

you looking skeptical soundmen, but just

20:46

you wait. In an hour's time,

20:48

you, your permabone, and I will

20:50

be on that dance floor experiencing

20:53

the wubs, dubs, and wahs

20:55

for ourselves. I

20:57

am inclined to suggest that we should

21:00

extend Halloween by another day, or

21:02

perhaps another week, perhaps

21:04

another month. We can do it if

21:07

we all believe it is possible. Another

21:09

highlight includes the vaudeville performances

21:12

occurring on the monochrome lawn. There

21:14

is a late show that I insist you

21:16

attend with me, Corin. That

21:19

sounds great, Junior. I could

21:21

go on, but I want to save some surprises

21:24

for those of you who are attending in person tonight.

21:27

That is all for now, Corin. Thank you

21:29

for stopping by. Of course. Now

21:31

I am off to enjoy the Zimbos.

21:34

What's a Zimbo? Ah, Corin. You

21:37

sweet babe of the springtime. Someday

21:40

you shall know. Ta-ta.

21:43

The next story is about the

21:45

dark cavern. Shareholders,

21:49

it shouldn't be any surprise to you that we do a lot

21:51

of weird science experiments in the caverns

21:53

below our building. Most of them we

21:55

didn't technically authorize, but mad

21:58

science will do what it wants. much no

22:00

matter what. We don't actually

22:03

know what led to the creation of the Dark

22:05

Cavern, but all the same, it's

22:07

there. Here is a report

22:09

from Leticia Powell, one of the lead

22:11

researchers working with the

22:13

Dark Cavern. Mr.

22:16

Deeth, thank you for reaching out, and I hope

22:18

that I can answer your questions to your satisfaction.

22:21

Just for context, the Dark Cavern

22:23

isn't just a really dark cavern, as

22:25

you seemed to imply earlier. It

22:28

is not just absent of light, it is absent

22:31

of everything. There is no temperature,

22:33

there is no light, there is no sound. You

22:35

cannot shine light on the space to

22:38

illuminate it. The light just disappears.

22:40

It ceases to exist. Let

22:43

me give you some more context. We

22:46

don't casually disclose the location

22:49

of the Dark Cavern, because we don't want anyone

22:51

getting lost. I have attached

22:53

the location in an envelope on

22:56

a handwritten piece of paper, if you're

22:58

curious, but we prefer to keep its existence

23:00

off of digital equipment that could be compromised.

23:04

An exploration team around five years

23:06

ago first discovered the Dark Cavern.

23:09

At first they thought their light sources were running

23:11

out of battery, but then they got closer, and

23:14

could tell that there was just no way of seeing

23:16

ahead of themselves. Given

23:18

that they were explorers, and not trained

23:21

scientists, they attempted to forge

23:23

ahead, and they quickly found themselves

23:25

utterly lost. You see, once

23:28

you pass into the Dark Cavern, reality

23:30

as you know it seems to stop

23:32

existing. There is no temperature,

23:35

there is no motion of air. You feel

23:37

nothing. You hear nothing. You

23:40

smell nothing. You can't

23:42

be sure that you are breathing. You

23:44

only have a vague sense of yourself through proprioception.

23:49

It's the only way you can tell if you're still moving.

23:51

The only way you know if you've fallen

23:54

and broken your face on the Cavern floor is

23:56

if you can't quite move forward, but, huh,

23:59

it seems somehow...

23:59

Now possible. I am unfortunately

24:02

speaking from experience. I

24:04

am part of the second scientific team

24:06

researching the Dark Cavern. The first

24:08

team was run by Dr. Damien Skirch.

24:11

As you are probably aware, Dr. Skirch has

24:13

disappeared. I know where he is,

24:16

but I have no way of proving it. My

24:18

predecessor was fond of the feeling

24:21

of the Dark Cavern. Assuming you

24:23

can move just past the threshold and then sit

24:25

or lie down, you can experience the

24:27

truest sensory deprivation environment

24:30

known to man. It is the

24:32

lack of sensation. You simply become

24:35

a mind unbounded by any

24:37

distractions or stimulus. Of

24:39

course, unlike psychedelics, the trip doesn't

24:42

wind itself down after a given amount of

24:44

time. This goes on for

24:46

as long as you remain within the bounds

24:48

of the Dark Cavern. That

24:50

could be minutes or days. I

24:53

am told that you can be vaguely aware of things

24:55

like hunger and thirst, but they aren't as

24:58

pressing when your mind is running wild.

25:01

Dr. Skirch brought his team down to

25:03

the cavern and did what was apparently

25:05

the first thing he could think of to test

25:07

the strange phenomenon. He took

25:10

Dark Mega MDMA and Dark Mega

25:12

LSD and put his head into the darkness.

25:15

His team did the same. Records

25:18

indicate that they lost one researcher,

25:20

and yet they continued doing foolish things

25:22

like this for years. Dr.

25:25

Skirch developed an apparatus that would keep him

25:27

fed and hydrated without needing to participate

25:30

in the heating or drinking so

25:32

that he could spend more and more time in

25:34

the Dark Cavern. He used

25:36

a sort of pulley system to bring himself

25:38

out if he had been in too long. It

25:41

works for the most part, as I

25:43

understand it. I should mention

25:45

that Dr. Skirch is a geologist

25:48

and a physicist. He is not a

25:50

psychologist. The realms of the

25:52

mind are not his expertise. His

25:55

notes read like a passionate amateur

25:58

or a post on drugtimes.

26:01

He was out of his elements, and

26:04

his work was clearly not

26:06

work. There were some concerns

26:08

about the project, of course, and that's when

26:11

I was brought in. The director of

26:13

our department hoped that I would be a sobering

26:15

influence on Dr. Skirch. He

26:18

made me go into the Dark Cavern as a

26:20

rite of passage. He very

26:22

nearly forced me to take drugs before

26:24

the experience. I refused,

26:26

but I couldn't keep his team from pushing

26:29

me into the darkness, which is when I

26:31

broke my nose. I

26:34

would remain outside of the Dark Cavern

26:36

to oversee the pulley system for a time

26:39

while Dr. Skirch and the others went

26:41

in. One day I realized

26:43

that they had gone in without attaching themselves

26:46

to any sort of line. Apparently

26:48

the line wasn't long enough, and the pull

26:50

of exploration was stronger than reason,

26:53

so off they went. Only

26:56

one researcher ever returned, Dr. Kiling.

26:59

It was three months later. He was

27:02

sick and emaciated. He

27:04

looked at me and said, there's

27:06

something on the other side, then

27:08

his entire body decohered. I

27:11

don't mean that he simply died. I

27:13

mean that he crumbled to his constituent

27:15

parts before my eyes. Bone

27:18

dust, blood bits, and pieces.

27:21

A bit of him ended up in my nose, and I will

27:24

never forget the smell. We

27:27

are now taking a much more conservative approach

27:29

to exploration, but the words, there's

27:31

something on the other side, will

27:34

haunt me forever. Please

27:36

ask the cave explorers to mark this section

27:38

of the caverns as explored. They

27:41

keep sending more people to try to complete

27:43

their maps, and they keep getting lost.

27:46

We have no way to retrieve them. They

27:48

are gone in there forever. There

27:52

is something on the other

27:54

side.

27:56

Thank you for your reports, Leticia Powell.

29:59

Stories Corin. Well

30:02

by all means sure Here

30:05

goes This is

30:08

the story I prepared

30:11

There once was a woman Corin

30:14

a woman who dates only men

30:17

Terrifying and she's

30:20

monogamous and

30:21

Really bad at expressing

30:24

herself sexually She

30:27

can't ever ask for what she

30:29

wants She's so unfulfilled

30:32

Corin She's a sexually

30:34

unfulfilled woman That's

30:37

the title of the story by the way the

30:39

sexually unfulfilled woman

30:41

Okay,

30:43

she doesn't even get any oral

30:45

Corin It's all just

30:47

in and out stuff and

30:49

not even a lot of it dang and

30:52

she just accepts that Corin

30:55

She accepts us all there is to

30:57

life just bad in and out

31:00

stuff

31:01

Malanta I'm not sure if that's

31:03

a horror story or just a depressing

31:05

reality for a lot of people

31:07

and that doesn't frighten you I'm

31:10

chilled to my bones

31:12

You could put something warm on shut

31:14

up. I don't think that story is that

31:16

scary

31:17

She never does anything witchy Corin

31:20

What

31:21

she works in an office

31:25

This isn't even a story. It's just

31:27

a character and a boring one

31:29

at that

31:30

Doesn't being boring terrify you?

31:32

Oh

31:33

I guess it wouldn't You're

31:36

used to it boom roasted

31:40

Barbecued mic drop have

31:42

a nice Halloween Corin

31:45

so bye Bye, Melissa

31:50

Hello

31:51

Corin hello, happy Halloween.

31:53

Oh Thanks, Dirk Shareholders,

31:57

this is Dirk Cornelius explosion

31:59

head of giant ass robots to kick in your face. Are

32:02

you having a fun Halloween, Dirk? Yes!

32:05

Me and Esmeralda and Raquel and

32:07

Antonio have been having a quiet evening

32:10

in, watching the fire and making s'mores and

32:12

having drinks and listening to your spooky

32:15

stories. Those stories have been a lot

32:17

of fun, Corin. I thought so too. They're

32:20

the best stories I could find from around

32:22

the building. I'm just so thankful

32:24

they're just stories, you know? Because

32:26

otherwise I'd be terrified. What

32:30

do you mean? You know, they're

32:32

just stories, Corin. You made

32:35

up to scare everyone. Keep

32:38

the universes trapped in it and whatnot. Oh,

32:41

no, Dirk. Those are all real

32:43

stories from in the building. They really

32:45

exist. Those things happen. Even

32:48

the sea horror? That's

32:51

real? Yeah, it's a really

32:54

freaky monster and we're just trying

32:56

to keep it occupied so it doesn't escape and become

32:59

much more dangerous. I have to

33:02

sleep at night, knowing

33:04

that such a monstrosity exists.

33:07

It's well contained, Dirk. I really

33:09

doubt that you're ever going to see it. I

33:11

won't bring you down there and Carol

33:13

wouldn't let you past her without a pass anyway.

33:16

Oh, Corin, I hardly think that any Carol

33:19

can keep me from going wherever I please. The

33:21

story kind of downplayed the frightening

33:23

qualities of Carol. I personally wouldn't

33:26

want to try to arm wrestle her or try

33:28

to get past her without a pass or try

33:31

to out drink her in some sort of competition

33:33

again. I

33:35

could be awfully sly when I want to be Corin.

33:38

Just like

33:38

my old man. But you don't

33:40

want to. You don't want to go down

33:43

there. You don't want to see the monster.

33:45

But I know it's there, Corin. I

33:48

have to think about that now. How am I supposed

33:50

to sleep knowing that it exists? What

33:52

if it finds me in my nightmares?

33:57

It can't hurt you. What if

33:59

I find you? It in my

34:01

nightmares. What

34:04

if I find it in IT's nightmares?

34:07

What if I'm sleepwalking, Corin? Carol

34:09

will likely stop you as I mentioned.

34:12

What if I'm sleep-snaking? What

34:14

if I'm sleep-stealth-crouching all

34:16

down low? What if I'm strafing diagonally

34:19

or body-hopping to increase my movement

34:21

speed? Carol is really

34:24

competent at her job, and

34:26

she doesn't sleep either. What

34:29

if I'm sleep-swimming in it's enclosure,

34:31

Corin? It's extremely

34:34

unlikely that you're going to end up in the murky

34:36

waters of it's enclosure in your sleep.

34:39

You do it. You end up in murky

34:41

water when you sleep. I end up

34:43

in the mat-moss. We're not even sure

34:45

it's technically a liquid. And

34:48

that hasn't happened for a while.

34:50

What if my wizarding powers manifested

34:52

my sleep?

34:53

And I'm indelipotent to it's enclosure

34:56

because I can't stop thinking about it. You're

34:58

not going to end up in the sea-horror's enclosure,

35:01

I promise. Well, what about the

35:03

dark cavern, Corin? If you can find

35:05

the dark cavern, I would be incredibly

35:07

surprised. I have been there, and I needed three

35:09

guides to take me. Well, what if I'm really,

35:12

really brave at exploring what I sleepwalk?

35:15

Dirk, do you even sleepwalk?

35:18

Well, I haven't.

35:20

But I could. I could start

35:23

right now. But what if I'm

35:25

already sleepwalking? No sleep talking.

35:28

I could be asleep right now, Corin. How

35:30

do any of us ever know what

35:33

it is really like?

35:35

What it does to

35:36

me, and how deeming,

35:38

is making me think that

35:41

I'm awake

35:41

when I'm not. There's

35:43

no such thing as demons, at least not

35:45

in the metaphysical sense, Dirk. And

35:48

not in the epistemological sense,

35:50

either. How do I know anything is

35:52

real, Corin? How

35:55

can I ever know? Dirk, I'm going

35:57

to do you a favor that I have never done for

35:59

anyone else. Simply because I need

36:01

this conversation to end at some point. What's

36:03

that, Corin? You are not Denny.

36:06

Oh, thank you! Pazoo, zoo! Are

36:09

we chill? What's on the other side of the dark cabin,

36:11

Corin? Why don't you have another drink, Dirk?

36:14

I'll talk to you later. I'll

36:18

never sleep again! Hahaha!

36:20

Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

36:24

Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

36:27

I think he tuckered himself out. Let's

36:30

move on, shareholders. Pidgey

36:33

Pidgeerton has won today's ruin-alive drawing.

36:36

As a result, Pidgey Pidgeerton's nemesis will

36:38

encounter a life-ruining turn of events.

36:41

That nemesis is the Herald. The

36:44

Herald of what, we don't know, but it also

36:46

doesn't matter. We gave the Wheel of Misery

36:49

a rough spin and it landed on the space for

36:51

Unburden. From this day forward,

36:53

the Herald will be 90% more Unburden. Which

36:57

may sound like a positive thing, but

37:00

have you ever met somebody who was completely

37:02

Unburdened and also had all of their shit

37:04

together? I didn't think so. For

37:07

evil measure, Pidgey Pidgeerton will be 10%

37:10

more burdened, but like in a positive

37:12

way. Congratulations on the win

37:14

and best of luck. The

37:17

Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team

37:19

responsible for making the life-ruining

37:21

declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true,

37:23

are currently running around the

37:25

building dressed only in stripy

37:27

sleeves. They may have

37:30

been toe socks at one point,

37:32

but now they are sleeves. We cannot

37:34

be certain. What

37:36

are you gonna do, you know? This

37:40

brings us to the end of our broadcast, shareholders.

37:43

I am going to enjoy a bit of the party, but

37:45

I have to tell you that I have something important

37:47

to take care of. It is so important

37:50

that it supersedes my imperative

37:52

to do these announcements. You

37:54

will hear from me again soon, though. The

37:57

only instructions I have for you regarding

37:59

the radio... video, is that you

38:01

should not fuck it. The numbers

38:04

are next. 345. 349. 345. 126. 908. 7. 4. 7. 8. 9. 0. 1.

39:59

Tumblr,

40:02

KakosIndustries.tumblr.com,

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and TikTok, at Kakos Industries.

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40:13

on all our social media platforms.

40:15

Special thanks to our esteemed

40:17

shareholders, Jack Tooley and Deontre.

40:20

Also thanks to honored employees Calico

40:22

who mixed the emulsion and Anastasia

40:24

Kaye who operated the Blowtorch. The

40:27

Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction projects

40:29

that are probably too large for yarn directed

40:32

by Theo Cornett has started to

40:34

knit the various gourds that will be growing

40:36

in the Hanging Gardens. The

40:38

Division of Obscure Vintage Technology directed

40:41

by Craig Sizz has purchased a player

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piano made out of bones. The

40:46

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by Daniel R. Smith has removed

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several thousand teeth across the entire

40:53

company, saving hours of brushing

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daily. The Division of Saying

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Invitation that is contained

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by Seth and Josh has reviewed everything

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on tap. Whatever you want

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Hayden Neff has been working on Goth

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Dinner. What

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isn't cigarettes and candy

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has made Mondays that much more Monday by

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making your office chair a little bit squeakier.

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Sarah has been journaling extensively

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about what textures make them feel the most

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evil. They are now looking into

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Finn has developed a card that vibrates

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gently. This has changed

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L. Terrible, has discovered a

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They learned the trick, but they will peck the

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by Victoria Wood, has started working on

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a pamphlet for Taurus

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Wangus 11. It's

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not called the Porn Planet for no reason.

42:58

It's called the Porn Planet because that's

43:00

what we call it. The

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cereal that glows. Our

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it a monk made of gelatin or a monk with

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gelatin powers? Okay.