0:05

Hi. This. Short

0:07

segment is what we call for the

0:09

good of the order. It's something we

0:11

used to do at the end of

0:13

my sorority meetings If you can believe

0:15

that where someone would share something that

0:17

they came across and the course of

0:20

the week, a poem, a song, lyric,

0:22

short story that they found enormously helpful

0:24

as they went about daily life and

0:26

I wanted to pick up the thread

0:28

because I am so often wowed by

0:30

something I see in the world that

0:32

I want to bring back and handoff

0:34

to you. So every Friday we produce.

0:37

A short segment called for the Good at

0:39

the Order. Think of it like an audio

0:41

greeting card. a thing to share with the

0:43

people that you love around the country he

0:45

don't get to see or talk to. You

0:48

know a thing to discuss with the people

0:50

you do see and talk to on a

0:52

more regular basis. This is Kelly Corrigan wonders

0:54

for the good of the Order. This

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and price and coverage match limited by

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state law. This

1:54

week's go to is really

1:57

a breakdown of all the

1:59

principles. best practices that I

2:01

have learned in this five-part series

2:03

that we just finished called

2:06

Rupture and Repair. So I

2:08

thought it would be helpful to collect the tips in

2:10

one place for easy

2:13

reference and also to share with people that

2:16

you might be in conflict with or people

2:18

that you know to be in conflict

2:20

with others who might

2:22

really want to add

2:24

some new tricks to their bag of tools

2:27

or with people you know who

2:30

are struggling to

2:32

reach some kind of understanding with someone

2:34

they really care about. So

2:36

number one is that the goal

2:39

of these hard conversations is not

2:41

winning and it's

2:43

not persuasion. The goals

2:45

are connection and growth. So

2:49

once you reorient yourself around connection

2:51

and growth then here are some

2:53

very specific tactics to

2:55

fold into your conversation. One

2:58

is affirmation which is

3:00

saying things like that makes sense or yes I

3:02

hear you. Two is avoid

3:05

distractions which means put your phone away. Three

3:08

is staying curious and

3:10

demonstrating curiosity with simple questions

3:13

like this. When you say

3:15

blank do you mean

3:17

blank? The next

3:19

one is around negative emotions and as

3:21

they come up the

3:23

goal, this seems very difficult to me, but the

3:25

goal would be to validate them like I can

3:28

see how you would feel that way or

3:31

that is frustrating rather than

3:33

just launching into a huge defense of yourself.

3:36

The next one is about body language which

3:39

is super simple and

3:41

probably self-evident but merits saying

3:43

nonetheless. So that list

3:45

is eye contact, nodding, facing

3:48

the other person and maintaining

3:51

a relaxed body posture. So maybe

3:53

your arms aren't closed, maybe you're

3:55

not leaning forward, maybe you're putting

3:58

your back all the way against the chair,

4:00

maybe you cross your legs, dot,

4:03

dot, dot, anything to signal, you're

4:05

not going to launch into an attack and you're

4:07

not going to leave. The

4:10

next is to try to establish at

4:12

the outset that there will be equal

4:14

listening time for each person. And

4:16

by explicitly naming that at the top,

4:19

you might save somebody the anxiety

4:22

of thinking the clock is ticking

4:24

down and she's done all the

4:26

talking so far. Another

4:28

section of the Bridging Differences

4:30

Playbook has some

4:33

very specific suggestions. One is

4:35

to welcome someone, to tell you about

4:37

a moment in which they have been

4:39

made to feel unwelcome or misunderstood. Two

4:42

is to ask someone to

4:44

tell you about someone from this

4:47

community or from this association

4:49

or from this political party

4:52

who makes them proud.

4:55

And then when it gets hot, when you're

4:57

in this deep water, two

4:59

great questions are, how did

5:02

you develop this belief? Or how did you first

5:04

come to feel this way? And

5:06

then the second question is, who has impacted the

5:08

way you see the world? And

5:11

then the last thing I wanted to

5:13

pass along is this idea of discovering

5:15

shared identities. So the

5:17

suggestion here is that you would make

5:19

a list of the defining characteristics that

5:21

you share in common with this

5:24

other person. And then when

5:26

you get together with the other person, you

5:28

would actually share your list and ask them,

5:31

does this feel accurate? Are there identities that

5:33

I am missing? However, there

5:36

is a big but on this one.

5:38

And I'm going to read it verbatim from the Bridging

5:40

Differences Playbook. Members of marginalized

5:43

communities may not benefit from being asked

5:45

to identify with members of a dominant

5:47

group. If they feel that

5:49

their identities or concerns are being made

5:52

invisible by the larger group identity,

5:54

that can harm their psychological well-being

5:56

and even undermine their willingness to

5:58

participate in the larger collective. It's

6:01

also important not to suppress

6:03

our own varied identities in

6:06

the interest of finding a bigger shared

6:08

identity. So you don't

6:10

have to throw away everything you are, you just

6:12

are trying to surface any places where you share

6:15

something core with the other person.

6:18

If you look in our show notes, we're

6:20

going to leave a link to the Bridging

6:23

Differences playbook if you want to download it.

6:25

It's pretty valuable stuff. It

6:27

was created by the Greater Good Science

6:29

Center which is at UC Berkeley

6:31

and I've worked with them on a bunch of cool

6:33

stuff and I really love

6:36

and value their place in the

6:38

world. And of course I would

6:40

point you back to Monica Guzman's book, I

6:42

Never Thought of It That Way, which is

6:44

a very readable, very grounded

6:47

take on how to have hard

6:49

conversations that might lead us to connection

6:51

and growth. All

6:53

right, thanks everybody for participating in

6:56

this series, for sharing it widely,

6:58

and maybe for trying to have

7:00

deeper, better conversations. We'll

7:04

be back on Sunday with another. Thanks for being here

7:06

and again on Tuesday with another Kelli Corrigan

7:08

Wonders. If you have questions

7:10

or suggestions, please email me.

7:13

Hello at kellicorrigan.com. www.KelliCorrigan.net

7:36

Thank you.