0:06

Welcome to Kelly Corrigan Wonders. I'm Kelly

0:08

Corrigan and today I'm wondering about

0:10

emotions. What they mean, what to

0:13

do with them, when to dive

0:15

in, when to walk away, what emotional

0:17

states we should unpack and

0:19

which we should distract ourselves from

0:21

immediately. My guest is Dr. Lisa

0:24

DeMoor who you might know from the New York

0:26

Times. She writes often there. She has several books

0:29

and she is a clinician working with teens

0:31

for many decades now. She has

0:33

been so helpful to me and

0:36

many others in understanding family dynamics,

0:39

learning how to be more useful to my

0:41

children and understanding

0:43

again and again that growth hurts.

0:47

So join us. We'll be right back with Dr.

0:49

Lisa DeMoor. This is Kelly Corrigan Wonders. Hey

0:59

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2:20

Welcome back to Kelly Corrigan Wonders. I'm

2:22

Kelly Corrigan, and I am talking today

2:25

with Dr. Lisa DeMoure whose voice I

2:27

so value in my life as a

2:29

parent. You may know her already.

2:31

She works with UNICEF and CBS News.

2:34

She's written several bestsellers, and

2:37

she writes about adolescents for the New York Times.

2:40

She's with me today to talk

2:42

about her new book, The Emotional

2:45

Lives of Teenagers, raising connected, capable,

2:47

and compassionate adolescents, which I can

2:49

say as a parent is a gift

2:52

of clarity and direction in a world

2:54

of parenting advice that seems fairly chaotic.

2:57

Lisa has been a guest on the show

2:59

before. We've done a few things live together,

3:01

and I am delighted to sit back in

3:03

with her today. This is Kelly

3:05

Corrigan Wonders. Oh,

3:10

Lisa DeMoure, do I have questions for

3:12

you? Hi, friend. Hi, Kelly. I am

3:15

so glad to be with you. The

3:17

way you start the conversation that

3:20

is this book is with

3:22

these three huge myths. So

3:24

can you debunk them for us real quick before

3:26

we get into the real matter

3:28

at hand, which is helping kids manage

3:31

their emotions and regain

3:33

control when they totally lose it?

3:35

Sure. OK, so three things that are very

3:37

much in the culture is that I want us

3:39

to just debunk. So number one,

3:42

emotions don't undermine

3:45

reasoning. They usually

3:47

support reasoning. And

3:51

the way we want to think about it, and I

3:53

quote a colleague of mine, Terry, a wonderful psychologist here

3:55

in my community. And what she says

3:57

is we want to think about emotions as one

4:00

member of our personal board of directors,

4:02

right? We all like how we make decisions in

4:04

our lives. So on that

4:06

board, we have our priorities, our obligations to

4:08

others, ethical concerns, all sorts of things, and

4:11

our feelings about things. And what

4:13

Terry says, and I love this so much, and it's in the book,

4:16

the emotions have a chair, a

4:19

seat on the board, they are not the chair, they are very

4:21

rarely the deciding vote. And

4:23

I think that's how we want to bring

4:25

feelings into the life of teenagers, that having

4:28

a strong feeling about something may be very

4:30

useful in deciding what one wants to do,

4:32

but we don't want emotions

4:34

running the show. And that's

4:36

how we want to think about it, that they

4:38

can support reasoning, but they should not dictate reasoning.

4:40

So that's one. Right, and one of the things

4:42

that a lot of people are saying, which

4:45

I really like, is framing

4:47

feelings and emotions as data,

4:50

as little messages. So we had

4:52

Johann Hari on the show a long time ago, he

4:54

wrote Lost Connections, and I really

4:56

loved the conversation because he was

4:58

saying, there's so many reasons why

5:00

a person could feel bad, that

5:02

seem, of course, totally legitimate.

5:04

It's quite a reasonable response

5:06

to climate change, or political

5:08

division, or a pandemic,

5:10

for God's sakes, to feel

5:13

down, to feel a little hopeless now

5:15

and then. Like, that's rational.

5:18

It's evidence of mental health, it really is. I

5:20

mean, another way to think about it is, say

5:22

that there's somebody, and every time you have lunch

5:24

with them, you walk away feeling like, I

5:26

just feel icky, or lousy, or

5:29

low. That's really

5:31

good information, right? And probably

5:33

good information that you might want to reconsider whether

5:35

you need to be having lunch with this person.

5:39

Without our emotions, and using

5:42

the information they provide, we're kind of

5:44

flying blind, right? I mean, we need

5:47

them. And I would say,

5:49

one sort of overarching goal of this book

5:51

is to sort of bring the negative emotions

5:53

back into the fold. You know, that they

5:55

have a really Important place in our

5:58

lives, they just don't feel good. And

6:00

when are teenagers have them liga really uncomfortable

6:02

and sometimes. Scared. That that

6:04

doesn't mean that negative emotions are fast. Where the

6:07

we should try. To prevent them or get rid

6:09

of them right away. Or. Mute them

6:11

are Blanton yeah or avoid them.

6:14

Feel. A thing that's interesting to me

6:16

as what you just said, senate dovetails. And

6:18

to that great quote, the definition of insanity

6:21

is doing the same thing. Over and over

6:23

again and expecting different results. Yeah, we're

6:25

having lunch with somebody in an easy

6:27

sell. I crap that having lunch with

6:29

them and but then that crashes into

6:31

like. Sell. The a quitter

6:33

don't overreact and that to

6:35

me is. The. Most.

6:39

Problematic. Day see ground

6:41

that parents stand on. Am I overreacting

6:43

or am I under reacting? To.

6:46

Toughen Rates as you can always know and it's.

6:48

Funny working clinically and are in

6:50

line for the my reaction. Send.

6:53

Signals about how. Alarming.

6:55

The situation is. A scare the teenager needs

6:58

to the and so. I

7:00

was his add to the complexity of this but also

7:02

than offer some solutions. Is

7:04

a teenagers very upset and then

7:06

we become very reactive become hugely.

7:09

Activated and they can see. From the. Intensity.

7:12

Of our response the world so very worried. That

7:15

can be very frightening for the teenager because they can

7:17

be thinking. Okay, I thought this was like a fifteen

7:20

year olds as problem and you're showing me that it's

7:22

like a fifty three year old size problem like is

7:24

worse than I thought Sued for me. I think so

7:26

much of the work. Of being a good condition

7:28

with teenagers and as a parent trying to raise

7:30

teenagers. Is to be sort of. Apparently.

7:34

Non reactive, You know? Present

7:36

study at centers.

7:39

And Neutral Neutral. But.

7:42

Not disengage, right? So I will have kids

7:44

who I am worried about and I will

7:46

say to them i think you're gonna be

7:48

okay I don't really think we need to

7:50

change course, but I'll also simultaneously wash their

7:52

kid like a hawk. You know, I mean

7:54

you can kind of do two things at

7:56

once, but we think it's funny. this is

7:58

outside the world of psychology that the power

8:01

of suggestion is real power. Now

8:03

question Cel question. I have ah himself as

8:05

a clinician that I'm trying to use the

8:07

power of suggestion to help the teenager feel

8:09

like I think they're okay and they're gonna

8:11

keep. Doing okay. While. Simultaneously

8:13

checking with the parents to make

8:15

sure that things are. Tightened.

8:18

Up at home so that the kid who needs

8:20

bumpers has good bumpers and nothing can really go

8:22

wrong. I mean, it's it's. a very delicate dance and.

8:25

I think the hardest thing. and Kelly

8:27

as said. This whole time I've practiced

8:29

as a. Clinician caring for teenagers.

8:32

You. Cannot guarantee that he nature safety.

8:34

You not know with a hundred

8:36

percent certainty that everything's had come

8:38

out okay and is very little

8:40

in my work for the assault

8:42

to be irreducibly. Painful.

8:45

And. That is it. That.

8:47

Side by side With that. I.

8:49

Will tell you. Almost.

8:51

Always his pants rally to attention.

8:54

Tune in his they can get

8:56

good help as they can see

8:58

to help on board. I.

9:00

Watch teenagers get better and better

9:02

and better. They tend towards health

9:04

day. Get better faster

9:07

than any adults ever do. So

9:09

I feel both. Very. Aware that there

9:11

is nothing I can say to apparent that I

9:14

will say your kid's gonna never be upset or

9:16

everything's gonna go great. Like there's nothing I can

9:18

say. And hugely

9:20

confident. In the loving

9:23

steady presence of adults. Power

9:25

to help kids. Stay.

9:27

On track or get back on track. So

9:31

the first mess around emotion. negative

9:33

emotions are fine. Their part of

9:35

that process second signals it's not

9:37

something that we should be blunting.

9:40

Or. Axing. The

9:42

second math that our culture as

9:44

promoting is. The. Second, missed

9:46

the we promote is

9:48

that emotions damage kids. Read.

9:51

It and and as I think people

9:53

worry that is there to this series

9:55

very upset. As he before

9:57

it is actually arms their kids. And

10:00

it's a strange want to say out loud but I

10:02

think it often is underneath her and many see as.

10:05

Deeply. Upset adolescent? I'm it's very powerful

10:07

thing and what we know is it

10:09

by and large. Emotions. Even

10:11

very painful ones. Rather, Than

10:13

harming kids actually promote maturation.

10:16

A cause kids to grow and. One.

10:19

Of the stories I tell him the book

10:21

was when I was in my postdoctoral fellowship.

10:23

I was evaluating a thirty year old woman

10:25

who and come into the clinic where I

10:28

was training. And see in

10:30

or first session describe having started

10:32

to drink very, very heavily as

10:34

an adolescent. And. I was

10:36

in supervision. With the person's training, me and

10:38

I was running through the notes of the

10:41

first session and he said you need to

10:43

find out what age She started drinking really

10:45

heavily because that's the age at which she

10:47

stopped. Mature. And

10:49

I remember thinking as like. A coma

10:51

like is a Qb that I can feature

10:53

can it's It's like us to simple as

10:55

we don't say about humans things that. You

10:58

know, kind of generic. But.

11:00

She's right and the way we think about

11:02

it is when you have something that happened.

11:04

You. Know maybe you cheat on a test and

11:07

get caught if you. Sit.

11:09

With the pain as a consequence ray and mean

11:11

you have to deal with the school you. Use

11:13

your parents you to think about the implications. You're.

11:16

Not doing that again, but you're gonna grow. You're

11:18

going to think about who you on a be

11:20

you can think about how you contact be the

11:22

person you mean to be. If you

11:24

do that same thing and you just like

11:26

drink through it right, you just want the

11:28

emotion. Every time you have set you

11:31

find a way to make a go away. The

11:33

kill get through it. could walk around. Her.

11:36

It's hard. It's hard to see her kids of and.

11:38

For all of this lists, there's limits, right? And

11:41

we don't want trauma. We don't want people who

11:43

are overwhelmed because that does do damage. But.

11:46

Up to the point the kids have coping. Resources

11:48

or can be hoped to have Club

11:50

resources. Negative. Emotions are

11:52

not only not harmful, they

11:54

are often growth giving. By.

11:57

Across hearts. Concerts.

12:02

Almost always. Yeah, Because

12:04

it's the you know. often there's. A lot

12:06

of regret woven in there is, and

12:08

that's just a terrible person is he

12:10

can't really read. Do it again. Ryan,

12:12

you're young. See, don't have the perspective

12:14

to say. Yeah. I totally blew that.

12:16

There's another. Day com ng like it's don't know

12:18

yet that there's another day com and you don't know

12:21

how long life says. Until event around

12:23

thirty. Four. Five Six

12:25

Decades. And. He just can't imagine

12:27

and I remember thinking like my life

12:29

is over yeah, more than once. And.

12:32

Another something about teenagers. The.

12:35

It's hard for them to meet in person. Yeah.

12:38

Those that have a a Nasa we've got as a

12:40

we got that. There's one thing we have a middle

12:42

age right we can say as I know you so

12:45

super lousy. I promise you one hundred percent in

12:47

a week you will not feel this way. Yes,

12:50

although I have never had an

12:52

hour success. For. Ends or

12:55

apparent success isn't. Saying.

12:57

Something like that, offering an ounce of

13:00

perspectives. like it feels. Totally

13:02

dismissive and like yours sweeping their.

13:05

Pain. Under the Rug in the moment?

13:07

I mean, I hope it's like sneaking. In

13:09

there and leaving a little air worm

13:12

that might return to them and time.

13:14

Said. In the moment when I say

13:17

something. Like I promise you this

13:19

is gonna get better and that this

13:21

will work itself out. Say.

13:23

Thank you. Don't understand yet? listening. Yeah.

13:27

Okay, the third math is around fragility

13:30

of what is our culture saying right

13:32

now? But teenagers and fragility. I think

13:34

that. A lot of

13:37

times parents worry. That when

13:39

their kid is so emotional has such

13:41

high such low those in the comments

13:43

as click sequence that that's evidence that

13:45

their kid is fragile. And.

13:48

And I I think we wanna uncouple

13:50

emotionality and. Fragility, Teenagers

13:52

are very emotional. These feel.

13:55

Everything. more intensely

13:57

than they do when they were younger. And

14:00

then they will when they're older. And

14:03

mostly it's okay. They.

14:05

Can be very very emotional and still. Psychological

14:07

is dirty. It's sort of an

14:10

incredible combination. And. What

14:12

I'm on parents to be watching for

14:14

is not. Does. Your kid of ups

14:16

and downs because. And normally developing teenager typically developing

14:19

future is going to have ups and downs.

14:22

When. We want to worry. Is.

14:24

When a teenager becomes down and

14:26

stays down. In or Doesn't bounce

14:29

back Doesn't start to feel better when they

14:31

talk about stream. Solutions.

14:33

That are terrifying. That's when it's time to worry.

14:35

But the fact that a teenager. You.

14:38

Know being. Really? Really elated

14:40

one minute and then desperately sad the

14:42

next. I. Have seen that

14:44

my a whole career that is typical

14:46

adolescent development and what we wanna see

14:48

actually is a kid who's kind of

14:50

all of in a mathematician. Li is

14:53

evidence of. Typical. Development

14:55

in teenagers. And. Let's

14:57

talk about am there to see huge

14:59

often chapters one is about managing a

15:01

my sense and one as about helping.

15:04

People return. To

15:06

sort of and emotionally. Our

15:08

described the second one blue so and then a

15:11

step back a little and stuff as back and

15:13

that into frame and. So.

15:15

On Psychologists, think about emotion what really matters.

15:17

Emotion regulation. But we get it that everybody's

15:19

gonna have negative feelings with fully expect them.

15:21

We embrace them as part of life in

15:23

a very rarely problematic. In their own right,

15:26

but we are very interested in how people

15:28

regulate which is a very boring term for

15:30

a very important. Topic. And.

15:33

The way psychologists think about regulation is it. It's

15:35

a. Two. Part Process. Sometimes.

15:38

We regulate emotions banks passing them by,

15:40

talking about them by getting them out

15:42

but you know they'll thing and tennis

15:45

balls like sometimes as the out. That

15:47

is how we expect and manage emotions.

15:49

Or regulate them. At. Other

15:51

times, we regulate emotions by doing things that

15:53

bring them. Back under control, seeking

15:55

comfort, seeking media, temporary distraction to

15:58

get our mind off or something.

16:00

Eating. Advice to solve the problem: The

16:02

cause: emotions. And. Would I

16:04

would say Kelly is. My. Goal in

16:07

this book was to put these on equal

16:09

footing, which is where they sit in the

16:11

academic and clinical world. Because

16:13

right now there's a bit of the

16:15

cultural default. To. Talking things

16:17

to death by the idea that like a

16:19

minute talked with you about this and we're

16:22

gonna keep. Talking about and keep talking about it.

16:24

And I will say talking about it's great

16:27

if it's healthy. But. One thing

16:29

were aware of clinically is so sometimes talking

16:31

turns into rumination. which is the more you

16:33

talk. About of the were seized. And

16:36

so what I tried to lay out in

16:38

his book is if your kid is expressing

16:40

expressing expressing and not feeling that her. You.

16:43

On a good at the section on helping

16:45

things come back under control which is awfully

16:47

really valuable part of life and I could

16:49

have an online clinical a girl in my

16:51

practice through it refers to putting herself together

16:53

like I had this horrible day but that

16:55

I had to pull myself together to go

16:57

plastic a quest m and it gets back

16:59

to something. He said that I think the

17:01

so important. That. We worry as parents

17:04

if we start to move into that second

17:06

category of like how can I help you

17:08

get through and test us. We.

17:10

Worry that it's dismissed. Or.

17:13

Not taking seriously enough you know or

17:15

kids concerned. And What?

17:18

I'll say is if given a be

17:20

we'll try to let expression do it's

17:22

job than it's worth considering. thinking.

17:24

About how to help a kid move through and

17:26

pass something. But the other thing I'll say. Kelly.

17:29

When. I was. Out like

17:31

suitably pregnant with my first daughter. So

17:34

at like twenty years ago. I.

17:36

Was sitting with a senior colleague. On

17:39

we edison's something up and see said

17:41

at a no risk as so you

17:43

want to hear how psychologists mess up

17:45

their kids to keep us. I have

17:47

seen those kids, they're held together with

17:49

gusty if I know exactly what you're

17:51

talking about and she said to talk

17:53

about feelings too much. Debt.

17:56

Sometimes it is helpful to say to a kid

17:58

or you've been upset for. My my own What's

18:00

gonna help you feel better. By. And

18:03

and I worry that. You. Know

18:05

I feel it's a good of a whole

18:07

other currencies. Know what's the impact of the

18:09

Siri broad discourse about mental health and out

18:11

scary the seals. I worry that in. Some

18:13

ways cancer cells like the only way to

18:15

be a good parent right now is to

18:17

talk. As much as we can about

18:20

emotion and I would a sitter and say and

18:22

I've got the whole field of psychology by me

18:24

that's helpful to a plane and then sometimes you.

18:26

Get to a point where that's actually not

18:28

the most helpful thing and so I really

18:30

try to lay on the stock A whole

18:32

range of strategy parents can turn to that

18:34

can help if talking isn't doing the. right?

18:38

Has it's either it either yeah, been I'm

18:40

express I say let helping them let it

18:42

out or you're helping them like pull it

18:44

together or move on with group. Before.

18:47

We get to. that hot less

18:49

as ways to pull it together

18:51

as you're young client said. Let's.

18:54

Go through. Heart Attack in

18:57

a way that makes the most of

18:59

those minutes. So. One skewed

19:01

saying that isolate no one knows how

19:03

to do and I'm his thoughts, his

19:05

anybody is an Mc. I feel like

19:08

there's this huge tension between listening and

19:10

taking turns packing and I think it's

19:12

so understand why I'm so compassionate towards

19:14

all of us because. We.

19:17

Had this. Double. Whammy where we've never

19:19

let the person as much our lives. And

19:21

we've left a little bit. So.

19:23

We have ah this advice that week and.

19:26

Seizing. And honing and

19:28

polishing up for just the right

19:31

moment. And it turns out. There

19:33

is no right moment. It's not coming. You're not

19:35

gonna get to use it. And. That is

19:37

an expectation that I think. People should dismiss

19:39

right now as they're hearing these were the

19:42

amount of my mouth. Is you will Not

19:44

get to tell them everything that you've been

19:46

waiting to tell them. Because

19:48

they are not interested in having their

19:50

problem. Solved. This. Very

19:53

rarely what they're looking for when they come our

19:55

way with a big upset feeling. Is.

19:57

So true. Listening is really

19:59

hard. Coming

20:02

a new Lisa explains the

20:04

newspaper editor. Posture and why I

20:06

can be so you have an act as

20:09

contrast. Will be right

20:11

back with Kelly Cleric and winters. This

20:18

show is sponsored. By better help.

20:21

As mentioned before that I use better.

20:23

Help myself during a season. Why?

20:25

Was particularly worried about something very

20:27

specific and a sound? A guy.

20:29

I started talking time and we

20:31

really worked through it. And. I'd found

20:34

it enormously valuable. Partially.

20:36

Because was hugely convenient like attack in

20:38

into my schedule partially as I could

20:41

do it entirely online so I didn't

20:43

have commuting concerns. is much more affordable

20:45

so sort of a lower barrier to

20:47

entry for me and having something and

20:50

my calendar once a week really force

20:52

me to keep working through and until

20:54

I came to some conclusions so learned

20:57

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22:28

Hundred and ten organ and

22:30

I'm talking. Today was psychologists,

22:32

researcher, clinician, podcasts, Are an author

22:34

of the new book, The Emotional Lives

22:36

Of Teenagers Sector Lisa Demar Before I

22:38

jump into my conversation with Lisa, I

22:41

want to encourage you. To share

22:43

this conversation with every one

22:45

who you rely on to

22:47

make parenting decisions. The information

22:50

we discuss here. Is.

22:56

What's the newspaper editor so that

22:58

you talk? To listen when

23:00

we think we're listening, what we're doing is we're

23:02

waiting for them to plus who with trump or

23:04

wisdom on him. So when I really have to

23:06

listen and I do, this must be easily in

23:08

my practice than my house. Wait a minute can

23:10

do something. About context. So

23:12

the vicinity to my sources okay, I'm going

23:14

to imagine them and. Newspaper. Editor.

23:17

And my teenager my own to

23:20

or let's say. Is my reporter

23:22

who is reading me for story in of the

23:24

to stress of the day. In

23:26

my job is the editor is it when

23:28

she comes to the and a reading me

23:30

her article. I give her the

23:32

sublime for the article. So. I've

23:34

listened so. Intently.

23:37

That. I can distill it into

23:39

a very small summary without adding

23:41

anything. On. And

23:43

hopefully accurately. And

23:45

would a sound is this often works pretty

23:47

well and it's very hard to do and

23:49

I usually blow it on. Give an example

23:52

of when I didn't blow at and it

23:54

really was everything my kids needed. I'm so

23:56

in March Twenty twenty my older daughter was

23:58

a high school sophomore. And.

24:01

About two weeks into the

24:03

pandemics, you really saw what

24:05

was happening. That instead. He.

24:07

Know is going to be miserable for a really long time.

24:10

And see how? to me it's like

24:12

she had a rant in our house.

24:15

remember wish he was getting she's like

24:17

oh my gosh, like they took away

24:19

the dances and the clouds and the

24:21

seen my friends at lunch and the

24:23

hallways and every funding. But they must

24:26

have a piece and own. Tests of

24:28

you and lectures and she's like i

24:30

can't. Believe what they've done to school and

24:32

I Listen, Listen, Listen. I tried to be

24:34

a good editor. And then I

24:36

said. It's like they took away.

24:39

Everything is like is like school is now.

24:41

also doubles and know desert. And.

24:43

She was like yes, And.

24:45

She's done. And. Used and eight and

24:47

really truly killing very rarely. like.

24:50

that's like burnt. One shining example.

24:52

but I think what? Is.

24:54

Important to sort of. Put. Underneath

24:56

says by way of helping parents.

24:58

Seal. Answer this: This is what does

25:00

this isn't. We.

25:02

Have to remember that the

25:05

act as expressing emotion is

25:07

a fundamentally therapeutic asked seen

25:09

words about how one feels

25:11

actually brings release. No. Matter

25:13

what against his own. So.

25:17

When we listen that intently which would let

25:19

kids do this because our mind is busy

25:21

trying to follow, we're not waiting to talk.

25:24

And then when we have loosened

25:26

so intently the weekend to still

25:28

and return what they've given us.

25:32

We're. Doing a hugely compassionate thank you know I'm

25:34

just gonna listen to your feelings and interest. Try

25:36

to see it back and see if can get

25:38

it right. Those two things

25:40

in combination. the kid getting to talk,

25:43

the kid knowing they were heard. That

25:46

is most of what we are doing

25:48

in psychotherapy. I just want to say

25:50

that like most of the time, that's what

25:52

my clinical practice looks like and you can

25:54

do this. By.

25:56

It And what your office saying is that about eighty

25:58

percent of the banner said. From them talking

26:00

seen it is is that see how he

26:03

gets I like sad for sanders and discarded.

26:05

A problem in ninety five percent as you coming other

26:07

side different ways to solve the problem before. Midnight.

26:10

Eighty percent, Ninety percent of the benefit

26:12

is just fine In the words. Letting

26:14

it out, purging the ceilings. And

26:16

then there's this glorious. Cherry

26:19

on Top moment where the person says.

26:22

Oh my God. that sounds awful. They

26:24

were like can I get an amen

26:26

Like sometimes I say to Edwards can

26:28

I get an amen Discover and amen

26:30

to as that is awful And to

26:33

see. Me: a validation

26:35

the cause Extremely forward. And

26:37

say in a back to the it is

26:39

a power of suggestion was apparently Cilic. We

26:41

don't talk about nearly enough. Yeah.

26:44

It's a terrorist is listening with

26:46

the attitude. The. The.

26:48

Teenager talking about all these feelings is

26:51

a fundamentally therapeutic act, and letting the

26:53

teenager talk about the ceilings and put

26:55

them into words is doing good all

26:58

by yourself before the parents has a

27:00

word in response to parents to leaks

27:02

in Next will also help it to

27:05

beat her. Face.

27:08

And a hobby do a better and it'll help it.

27:10

It'll help the benefit be delivered. Yeah,

27:14

It's really interesting. There

27:17

were two other things in terms of

27:19

the getting it outside that I wanted

27:21

to touch on. One is letting them

27:23

set the terms. Of engagement. And.

27:25

To As Repair Sixty Talk a little bit

27:28

about said a hard to have your sealers

27:30

out for. The. When and the

27:32

were of these points of connection and

27:34

then stopping when they want to stop.

27:38

Seems so. One.

27:41

Things that I learned when I was

27:43

working on this book: Is. That

27:45

something that. I. Think a

27:47

lot of sense that just their kid did.

27:49

Lots of teenagers do. Is this the

27:52

switches? They wait until their parent or parents

27:54

are in bed and then they want to

27:56

talk. And silly security

27:58

like maybe ask curry. The question the

28:00

dinner with I completely envoy ready to take.

28:02

You know whenever lucky ones like about Mckinley

28:04

presses it All off at that are suddenly

28:07

they're the kids is at. The parents are

28:09

trying to set a downer bear they're reading

28:11

they're turning on the night. And.

28:13

I learned through talking pres like this is

28:15

pretty common and when I first saw this

28:17

as a witness this is all of my

28:19

kids to the to in unlike I now

28:21

have you know my husband like leave and

28:24

I'm like know you're talking like what I'm

28:26

states and I think so much of it

28:28

is Athena teenagers like you just trying to

28:30

be independent like you're just. Trying to write

28:32

your own story and sociopath and. Such

28:34

as I see how the school or what's

28:36

going on algebra. They're

28:38

already setting the terms. They caught the meeting this at

28:41

the time in a meeting with set the agenda for

28:43

the meeting. So any self respecting senators

28:45

could be like and will talk about

28:47

it is it's late night visit or

28:49

whatever version of these kids. The.

28:51

Kid starts to me a. To. Is

28:53

setting the agenda because at that time a day I. Have

28:56

no agenda items his testicles to sleep,

28:59

And when the kids done they're like

29:01

once he gets costly. And it's over

29:03

and most printed I couldn't get out a bit like

29:05

most teenagers. No later than I can follow me

29:07

to continue the conversation. And

29:09

said those moments which are largely

29:12

inopportune, For us right of the not really when we

29:14

want to talk to. Go

29:16

for it as a set of has let

29:18

it happen. Be there for it. And I

29:20

actually just had of sickness a group of

29:22

teenagers and they're like oh what's really good

29:24

about appearances attempts. They don't ask so many

29:26

questions like thetis listened better Anything Muslims because

29:28

the prince. Like that so I don't want to

29:30

kiss. His Point is that a through the teenagers

29:32

consider the with this is graders. Keeping.

29:36

Beer and of the conversation I look

29:39

at. So there's value in. Right?

29:42

So he said i'm like try

29:44

to plan on that state of

29:47

mind like be that's hired person

29:49

and bad so it's not follow

29:51

them and vigor solutions of taxes

29:54

and rather his chest quietly absorbing.

29:57

Whatever. The report is and saying that

29:59

it. The area. I will tell

30:01

you when I'm really. Tired and can't

30:04

think of headlines. Which.

30:06

Is awesome. I. Tell

30:08

myself curiosity plus empathy.

30:11

Like that little formula at center for

30:13

you sell Atomic Tommy more to me

30:16

or wow And. Ah, Man

30:18

that stinks great. If. You

30:20

had to sell all of parenting into time. or

30:22

and oh man, that's things that will get you

30:24

chilling ninety. Five percent of what needs to be done with

30:26

a teenager. What?

30:29

About repair. So.

30:31

We we blow it right as parents

30:33

a kiss tell us does. It.

30:35

Seems to this. Totally garden

30:38

variety. In or Nothing special or Swede

30:40

or we all went through it. And

30:44

sometimes. Parental share

30:46

this somebody else. And will

30:48

get back to the kid and a good like forget it

30:50

I'm never telling you anything you can read the that happens.

30:53

Who. Are we blow it in that

30:55

a kid tells us something and then we

30:57

basically or responses some equivalent. Of I told

30:59

you so. And so the kids like on my

31:01

butt and it'll you anything again. Who.

31:04

Are we to something? We don't know what we did. But.

31:06

Sometimes it happens that

31:08

we make a misstep

31:10

in our. Relationship with

31:12

our teenager and they just clam up. That.

31:15

They just. Do. Not want to

31:17

share anything. Of importance with us. Sometimes.

31:20

We know where we made the mistake. Sometimes we don't.

31:24

But. It's worth it to try to sort

31:26

this out. It's. Worth it

31:28

to apologize To really apologize to

31:30

acknowledge this shortcoming that he ever

31:33

an offer a way to repair

31:35

it. For. To ask to

31:37

say to a teenager. You know

31:39

I love you like crazy and I

31:41

am aware that you're very private My

31:43

presence. Is there anything?

31:45

abdomen? That makes it hard for you

31:47

to share things. Have I gotten it wrong? Somehow of

31:49

I made a mistake I'm asking to them wanna know

31:51

I'm asking Because I want to make it right. You

31:53

don't have to tell me right now, but. I'm

31:56

worrying about the some wondering about this. It.

31:59

Is worth it. To try to fix

32:01

and up. Sometimes.

32:03

I feel really subservience. Senate.

32:07

And it. And on

32:09

our vessels, my father's sometimes. That's all

32:11

of these. That. Person that

32:14

you were just. Embodying.

32:17

Or. And. Announce ten episodes

32:19

and around and then it's

32:21

and plane of My Cat.

32:24

Not. For assessing, begging and just

32:26

and reading all these books them

32:29

together. With people on the bike as an

32:31

attack and my girlfriends and try to get

32:33

this and I'm working so hard to get

32:35

it wrong and it I see a light

32:37

at the Egg. I'm never gonna. A.

32:39

Can't win. And I

32:41

know that's unhealthy. and I know it's like

32:44

sort of dictated by exhaustion. Like a know,

32:46

I've met some kind of tipping point. And

32:48

I need to regroup and get a good night's sleep. And

32:51

have some food that I actually like. And

32:53

and get some space. But

32:55

I I just. Wanted. To admit

32:57

it because I'm sure that I'm not

33:00

alone. Uncertain and I will

33:02

tell you. I will say

33:04

for me one of the hottest press

33:06

turning teenagers his muscles in a crutch.

33:08

You know cause they can be kinda. Salty.

33:11

Or unpleasant. sometimes. And

33:14

even has a rejection. It hurt the

33:16

reject. The level of reject senator is.

33:19

Ah, I had not experienced this level of rejection

33:21

of my list save or m. L

33:23

It's really hard as like to see your. Like. Reeling

33:26

from whatever occurred and then five minutes later

33:28

the wicked a good mood and want to

33:30

engage and you're like snow Us citizens of

33:32

Oh that went. Down And and I am

33:35

nothing. I do this all the time, but

33:37

I really feel or. The. Teenagers like

33:39

there sir from the ways of their feelings.

33:41

And if you are standing on the beach

33:43

really upset about what just happened you gonna

33:45

miss out on some good times with your

33:47

kids. I think you know my my general

33:50

If I did some of was like one

33:52

giant generic piece of advice. Appearances teenagers like

33:54

at another who the grants like of your

33:56

kid is on you know in a good

33:58

place in you can be there was some

34:00

I go for it and you're gonna get

34:02

to Iraqi police and you'll do you does

34:04

to sort it out by on their lives

34:06

move really fast and their emotions move really

34:09

fast fast and and are still and so

34:11

maybe some. In between are meeting them at their

34:13

speed can be a good thing sometimes. Yeah.

34:16

I mean you just not take it personally and

34:18

you to not take it too seriously. Now

34:20

and that just requires a thick skin. And

34:22

in l nine days at a ten, my

34:24

skin as thick enough for the job. That.

34:27

One dad a tan. I'm like that hurt.

34:29

It's. Higher that hurt and up clean.

34:31

I think part of it so hard

34:33

about hearing adolescence is that it's a

34:36

very isolating time of life. Right when

34:38

you're a kid is struggling. In a

34:40

you can be on the play be like or it potty

34:42

training is going horribly like what's going on with all your

34:44

houses. When. Years thirteen year

34:46

old is having meltdowns, debt and

34:48

up in a seated position on

34:50

the kitchen floor. Each. Year:

34:53

like run out of play. Going to be like

34:55

who else is thirteen year old is having a

34:57

really hard time because you. You know, respect

34:59

the privacy of your kid. You in a don't.

35:02

Feel. You can broadcast at the same way

35:04

and so I think in Atlanta. So grateful

35:06

for your work and for this conversation and

35:08

what I ate Hook can happen through books

35:11

is for people to feel like. I'm

35:14

not one is can't be personal because

35:16

this is been described by strangers is

35:18

happening in their home to but I

35:21

think until you have access to most

35:23

resistant just like yours it can't help

35:25

but feel person. Yeah.

35:27

Yeah, I remember finding out and what am

35:29

I a great sends his apparent as that

35:31

I had a temper when they're young. Oh

35:34

and I have a whole. Set.

35:36

Of excuses for it. I went through menopause a

35:38

thirty seven because at my ovaries removed because of

35:40

of breast cancer. Thank. Bob. Blah

35:43

blah The truth. As like I had a

35:45

bad temper and if I could take back

35:47

one thing and would be yelling. And.

35:49

I remember thinking. As

35:52

I think I'm the I think. I'm the worst

35:54

and a I'm the worst in my neighborhood. I think I'm

35:56

the worst in the school district. On

35:58

that count. And. Then I

36:01

went on a family vacation with another

36:03

family. And. I overheard a mom. Yelling.

36:06

At the kid and I

36:08

felt simultaneously like. Oh

36:10

god, That's what I sound like sometimes.

36:13

And. Also. I. Guess

36:15

I'm not the only one year. Old

36:17

so you. And.

36:19

Really, really, really grateful to my daughter's for

36:21

making me a vastly better clinician than I

36:23

ever would have been. Because.

36:25

Before you have kids. You.

36:28

Know I'm I'm pretty like. How can a child and

36:30

up in appearance dead at three am like a child to be

36:32

knowing how didn't see on? And then you have kids and you're

36:34

like get A and like it's the. Only thing they

36:36

possibly can this moment. And

36:38

I have my own. I.

36:40

Remember when my older daughter's the Mughals or seven

36:43

years apart? I remember getting to I would

36:45

yell at her and. And the problem was like, "I would

36:47

be really com and then I would lose like, as

36:49

I was, yeah, and now Italy, so not only was

36:51

I yelling. I also select surprising and

36:53

scaring her And so I did. And

36:56

this what I'm not saying. as six a man, my

36:58

daughters were glassy. To you my many shortcomings

37:00

as a mother but erm, with my second

37:02

kit. new people and you learn a lot

37:04

of your. First, it's the I second

37:06

kid. I started saying. Listen.

37:09

I sound com. I'm actually really mad and

37:11

is this continues. you can hear me get

37:13

mad that that was the adjustment I made.

37:16

And I'm so then if I did get louder

37:18

a sort of felt like are you there was

37:20

fair warning like there was no surprise but I

37:22

also felt like that usually ended. It right there are.

37:25

You. Know there and and that is so it was.

37:27

I didn't like the yelling but it as much as

37:29

anything other than like that I set my kid like

37:31

I suddenly become a yes, angry s or seat as

37:33

or the idea that a man consistent yeah. Or

37:36

seeming so inconsistent because most of the time

37:38

you're keeping a lid on at the zoo.

37:40

and then I don't know that. Like hopefully

37:43

your beer passing as like as in L.

37:45

A person who's sick of

37:47

com and experiencing some economically.

37:50

But I. Have a just as

37:52

he like I'm in L. Summer wants him getting so

37:54

frustrated that I threatened to take away. Her lousy for

37:56

the evening. right? Like a how I was

37:58

like. Oh. It myself and

38:00

he didn't do it the i was such a

38:02

better clinician after that moment. because you like sure

38:04

that stuff in your office and you're like oh

38:06

I totally understand how you could get their. Like

38:08

because I little and there myself and it just

38:10

makes you better at the job. Totally.

38:13

We had this hilarious and we as

38:15

a stray Peterson who I love and

38:17

see says ah. When. Cook Claire

38:20

when fleets Utep, I have a five pack in the morning.

38:22

like a year and a half. And

38:24

Sarah said a soldier on. And

38:26

then two years later she had her

38:29

own kids the mad sleeping problems and

38:31

Edward said i cannot wait to lock

38:33

her in the eye and say thoughts

38:35

are on sale and is pressure and

38:37

us. Sometimes. You

38:40

have the kid talk their way out. of

38:42

a bad emotional spots and sometimes you

38:44

can have the a kid do their

38:46

way out. I have come to this

38:49

on organically and my life as a

38:51

parents. Were like a little diversion

38:53

goes a long way. Talk

38:56

about distractions. So.

38:58

When. We talk about destruction was almost.

39:00

Talk about it. Always is. Though it's a

39:03

bad thing. Bait focuses good. Destruction is bad.

39:06

But. Especially the pandemic. Assorted

39:08

to think so much more about

39:10

how critical distraction is to or.

39:13

Psychological. Economies. Rather, we use that all the

39:15

time to maintain equilibrium right? If I'm working on

39:17

something and I'm frustrated, All like go to a

39:19

little online shopping and then I'll come back to

39:21

it. right? And that's how I don't like walk

39:23

away from my computer for the. Day. Read: I

39:26

can just. Swivels. A spotlight of my

39:28

attention somewhere in the civil it back to where

39:30

I need it to me to do this all

39:32

the time, to where they get upset and then

39:34

they like. Sometimes hop online or the go on you

39:36

tube or they'll go. Find something else to do,

39:38

don't let the ceilings calm down and then they

39:40

can get back to whatever was they needed to

39:43

do. So. Destruction.

39:46

Within limits. Is a

39:48

really quick and efficient way to get a

39:50

ceiling The players the night not have time

39:52

for or may not be a feeling that

39:54

for useful to have in that moment. And.

39:57

So I think that sounds for teenagers and

39:59

of. Her daughter's keeping within limits right? So as

40:01

you're going to go like look at a couple

40:03

funny youtube videos to feel better if that does

40:06

the job grade and then if you're back to

40:08

your homework where you needed to be great but

40:10

we have to watch out for as know the

40:12

rabbit hole said any one. Of us can fall down.

40:16

It can be very valuable to say to

40:18

a teenager you know like you're super upset

40:20

with tuck status awhile is not helping you

40:22

feel that are to just go. lots of

40:24

funny like not twenty two minutes something and

40:26

then we can come back with you on

40:29

or maybe you'll be ready to do something

40:31

else altogether like chicken your mind away. From

40:33

something changing. The mental channel. Has.

40:35

A place in helping us regulate our

40:37

emotions. Sometimes. I don't

40:40

even flag it. Doesn't. Have a be like hey,

40:42

can you do me a favor and target the mail. And.

40:45

It's like this out at hey I gotta

40:47

oh my gosh as census can throw my

40:49

iphone I gotta go do one. Thing the

40:51

back and five minutes. Exists.

40:54

Am. And I'm sure they

40:56

see right through me. I mean, at this point

40:59

I think they see through absolutely everything I do

41:01

as I am not. Am not.

41:03

I'm I'm not blinds. The.

41:05

How obvious. My mirza now. Fat.

41:08

It. Has worked in the past and it works for

41:10

me to. In else if I'm

41:13

in a funk. And I thank all

41:15

of that are checking with Tammy on one thing. You.

41:18

Know, like we I'd divert about.

41:20

Yeah, maybe that's a wonderful adaptive

41:22

part of our nature that we

41:24

should be celebrating instead, as I'm

41:26

avoiding. And other times, what about

41:28

small pleasures? So. Like.

41:31

I said teenagers feel things really

41:33

strongly. And the really cool thing for

41:35

them is this is true posts. Are positive

41:38

and negative emotions. So.

41:40

I remember in the site of the pandemic.

41:43

Feeling. We're all so unhappy and it

41:45

was so miserable. There were points

41:47

for my teenage daughter would say and then

41:50

go find. And she would

41:52

get herself as a cup. Of tea

41:54

and light kindle and she would sit there

41:56

is like the actually blissful. So.

42:00

Because the beauty of being a teenager

42:03

and the plaza she has a net

42:05

t and and nice smelling Kindle was

42:07

very powerful. For her as he know ensure

42:09

me of city to like I could have kinda

42:11

like a devotee i still under the heat the

42:13

pandemic like every bit as much as I had

42:16

five minutes earlier. so. What we also sudden

42:18

underestimate is it like often when kids come

42:20

home from our day, they will go Lulu

42:22

and on the floor with the. Or.

42:24

They will go listen to the song they love

42:27

or they will. Could take a long shower. Or

42:29

bath or something. This is emotion

42:31

regulation. And. We should

42:33

really cheer for it. Made

42:36

that sometimes. You taught you do

42:38

with the magazine, but talk about it.

42:40

Sometimes you deal with a negative feeling

42:42

by countering it with positive experiences and

42:45

teenagers do this intuitively and then we

42:47

can Also supported Young I tell a

42:49

story and night at don't interrupt that

42:51

know like at wanna say to myself

42:53

to my future self that's gonna be

42:55

tempted to like lean and and be

42:58

like hey, are you okay down as

43:00

their regulating by themselves in some way.

43:02

the trick is to recognize it as

43:04

a healthy way of regulating rather than

43:06

avoiding you. Are avoiding the emotion

43:08

like it's not all emotions and

43:11

not all days and not all

43:13

situations and interpersonal moments need to.

43:15

the and packed. The.

43:18

Don't think years of adding that. Georgia.

43:21

Does the same how to tell sets are

43:23

so take a long sour mutter music and

43:25

then spend a towel around or had a

43:27

tower on her body and cell. Phones.

43:29

Have of her bed and stare into space.

43:32

Lamar, we all. Do It! So

43:34

now she's says you know created this activity

43:36

that banks and were will say i think

43:38

i'm gonna go have a towel said never

43:41

was like okay good for you good for

43:43

you because it feels grab it like what

43:45

are you doing in there Are you okay

43:47

like stop interrupting them. From leading their

43:49

lives and working through their shit. You

43:52

no is some. Everything.

43:54

It takes a degree framing that

43:56

menacing emotions is sometimes talking and

43:58

sometimes along shower. Yeah.

44:01

So what about if you want to feel

44:03

better? The. First thing to work

44:05

on is your sleep. Would.

44:08

You agree? Hundred percent and I

44:10

think his so hard is it feels

44:12

so boring, is still so pedestrian in

44:15

silver. We all know it. like why

44:17

are we talking about it again and

44:19

and useless Say it. That may just

44:21

put a new spin on it if

44:23

I am carrying. If I'm taking a

44:25

new plan. And they have had.

44:27

Something really rough happen which is awesome. Hell

44:30

people and up in my practice. I

44:33

will listen and I tell a story about this

44:35

in the book and will listen really carefully that

44:37

as soon as I feel I can I will

44:39

ask them. Has her sleep. Through.

44:41

Sleeping. And is a couple reasons

44:43

for this one is if the sleepers lousy the has

44:45

to be the focus of our work because they will

44:47

not be able to regulate emotions in the absence of

44:50

sleep and we have great. Easy studies that we do

44:52

with the just shows and we'll notice also from common sense

44:54

like you just kind of a mess of you haven't slept

44:56

over tiny things and you can take a lot more as

44:58

you can if you have such. The.

45:00

Other thing, and this isn't in the book that

45:02

he feels really important to say. Actually

45:04

can't clinically of sell you eat somebody

45:07

very accurately is the you're sleep deprived.

45:09

That. Depression and free Tibet deprivation can

45:12

look very very similar. Extremely high anxiety

45:14

and sleep deprivation can look very very

45:16

similar. Suit part of why sleep become

45:18

such a priority? In my practice is

45:21

that it's a rule out. Like I

45:23

have to rule out. What I'm

45:25

seeing and it is so often the

45:27

case that if I can help the

45:29

person get. You know through forties

45:31

and as a sleep they are diagnostic.

45:34

Li in a very different space and

45:36

like, okay, you're not depressed It turns

45:38

out you were very, very tired, right?

45:40

So it's critically important just for like,

45:42

every day. Emotion regulation. And also just

45:44

for the ability even know like how worried

45:46

should. I be about you my

45:48

new. Person. in my office or

45:51

kid in my home. By

45:53

it and seventy sometimes on ago upstream

45:55

asleep and say. A drink in

45:57

a lot of caffeine, aging a lot alcohol. Are

46:00

you doing anything else that might

46:02

be crushing? Great.

46:04

Sleep in the cause that's like job

46:07

one is to clear all that out

46:09

of the way absolutely intact. You know

46:11

this is. this is when we have

46:13

the best longitudinal. Studies about the

46:15

connection between technology, And

46:17

mood. Or. Anxiety.

46:20

Disorders. It is mediated

46:22

by sleep. It is kids who have their

46:24

tech that is keeping them up at. The

46:27

ten predicts to more male health problems

46:29

Now the whole world of the correlation

46:32

or relationship between tech and mental health

46:34

problems As a dick complex world, but

46:36

this. Particular line of research is beautiful because

46:38

it really followed. Over time and saw that

46:41

you know it's it's about. Sleep disruption is

46:43

where the rubber hits the road on that.

46:46

Way and that's probably an easier

46:49

message to get through to kids.

46:51

It's. Not like I'm fighting over

46:54

using your phone. It's. That

46:57

everyone has already experience and allies

46:59

the difference between an outlook that

47:01

is fortified by. It's ten

47:03

hours of sleep versus an

47:05

outlook that is disrupted by two

47:08

to four crap hours of

47:10

sleep and is is. Technology

47:12

is the culprit of your

47:14

fleet. Then take it

47:16

as a picture if you can. I

47:18

mean, it's so addictive! Okay, so here's

47:20

where I want to end. A

47:23

cause we're the parents. We're.

47:26

The grownups, And.

47:29

Because. The. Commitment

47:31

and devos and is off the

47:33

charts. This. Never lived anywhere

47:35

anymore. My.

47:38

Ability to manage my

47:40

emotions. Is. Critical to my

47:42

kids well being and sometimes I

47:44

can't. Is to.

47:46

Play. A mean, I don't know. apparent of a

47:49

teenager who hasn't. Gone. To a place

47:51

in never thought they'd go. And sometimes right

47:53

in front of their kid. So.

47:55

There's a few things within. Says he no one is

47:57

is. There. Is no greater.

48:00

The Estuary Think in a relationship. With a teenager

48:02

than to apologize on their own? An apology. I

48:05

think it in of Handsome who's way. This

48:07

will undermine their authority. It actually strengthens your

48:09

relationship. Your kid knows you messed up. Best

48:12

for you to on it. I

48:15

think again in a back to where we started.

48:17

Having a powerful emotion.

48:20

Is fine. Even. A

48:22

powerful negative emotion. Is. Fine,

48:24

it's It's well within the range of have. What?

48:27

We want to model for our kids

48:29

is. What we do next, right? So.

48:31

You can have a ripple day come in

48:34

the house like absolutely at the end of

48:36

your route. Either you're gonna

48:38

say to your kid. Oh. My gosh,

48:40

I the worst day ever. I am going for

48:42

a walk. I will be back when

48:45

I'm back. That is a great. Sing

48:47

too sell or you to walk and

48:49

else have a terrible de lay you

48:52

know li everybody's. Or just or drinking right?

48:54

Like. I don't mind

48:56

the terrible that I don't mind the

48:58

horrible new the comes in the house

49:00

with the parents. What I'm really watching

49:02

and with teenagers are really watching Is

49:04

it a walk. Or. Is it

49:06

shrink at all? But I can sap. Sipper

49:08

the rubber hits the road and so I

49:11

don't look for us to think that they're

49:13

supposed to be happy implicit like that would

49:15

take away all these wonderful opportunity to show

49:18

kids how to handle big powerful negative emotions.

49:20

The We have. To try to handle them well.

49:22

and if we don't we have to. Me too bright.

49:25

White. S you cannot to force or

49:28

myself as an ama afraid of your

49:30

children. Like

49:32

and saw her wrist

49:34

sickly. This really attached?

49:37

That. When they have a stomachache, I have

49:39

a stomachache. Yeah, when they sell rejection, I saw

49:41

reject sense. When they can't sleep, I

49:44

can't sleep like it's horrible. It.

49:46

Is. It. Is a

49:48

very extraordinary thing, right? So.

49:51

It as a his. Get

49:53

a lot of support for yourself, right? Be loved

49:55

by people who help you hold it together. I

49:57

think. The other thing I talk about than the.

50:00

Is like. Having a teenager

50:02

stirs up your own adolescence in a

50:04

way that is. Just like really, quite remarkable.

50:06

I refer to it for some families as

50:08

like a psychological hall of mirrors. You know,

50:10

like a harrowing hall of mirrors. So I

50:13

think you know your your kids adolescents can

50:15

poke at bruises you didn't even know what

50:17

they are. So. What I

50:19

would say is. Back.

50:21

To where you are Kelly Like growth

50:24

hurts, break rules, hurts and so. We.

50:26

Feel the depth of our laws, the depth of

50:29

our delight for teenagers, but then we also feel

50:31

the depth of their pain. But.

50:33

To the degree to expand.

50:35

In front of your teenager. Be.

50:38

A steady presence like that. That's what as

50:40

a steady presence, you don't have to be

50:42

happy. You don't have to succeed. But to

50:44

be a steady present? That's. A

50:47

gift you can give your kid. And.

50:49

A new do what you need to do to

50:51

that you can try to be steady presents for

50:53

them most of the time. And.

50:55

So that is like get enough sleep. The

50:58

in relationships that are sustaining take good care

51:00

of yourself. In those things matter, they go

51:02

very far. I.

51:04

want sad about my mom that

51:07

as finally understand. Why?

51:09

She was so tired all the time.

51:11

And it wasn't because she was doing some,

51:13

I was because she feeling some and you.

51:17

It's all right. Great turning

51:19

teenagers is a ride The

51:21

have to say in a.

51:25

I've never grown so much against. Such

51:27

a better person. From

51:29

being the mother of teenagers they will call

51:32

you on her from his decision I now

51:34

and if I now to stay there and

51:36

you know holds the centers for how we

51:38

stick to each other and this home. Did.

51:41

A lot of growth to be happier. Or.

51:43

Thanks for being a person I turned tail! Ah thanks

51:45

so much for have a man! Thanks for the incredible

51:47

work to do. Here

51:53

are my many take away

51:56

from my conversation with Lisa

51:58

Demar: Number One Emotion. Have

52:00

a seat on our personal board

52:02

of directors. They're not that share

52:05

their rarely the deciding vote that

52:07

they do deserve a seat. they

52:09

are data number to the reason

52:11

why As parents we are wise

52:13

that any effort not to overreact.

52:16

Is because when we do,

52:18

we're suggesting that their fifteen year

52:20

old problem is so problematic it's

52:23

worrying a fifty five. Year old

52:25

and the power of suggestion is

52:27

strong. Number. Three

52:30

teenagers fans toward

52:32

have. Number

52:34

for strong emotions. Do Not

52:37

damage or harm our children.

52:40

Number Five growth often her.

52:44

Number. Six. As

52:46

parents. We. Strive for

52:49

steady and sent his

52:51

new. Members.

52:55

Remember the newspaper editor

52:57

posture listen. Summarize than give

53:00

them the headline number Eight

53:02

in and of itself.

53:05

The act of expressing

53:07

emotion is fundamentally therapeutic.

53:10

Number. Nine you to get pretty

53:12

far in parenting with these

53:14

two phases. Tell me more

53:16

and that sounds. And

53:19

Number Ten teenagers flies and emotions

53:21

move really fast. China to hold

53:23

a grudge, you may miss something.

53:27

Thank. You to Doctor Lisa the more

53:29

for everything she does for teens and

53:31

the parents who love them. Thank you

53:33

to everyone actually Kerrigan wonder if as

53:35

technical. Producer: Dean to Terry Executive

53:37

Producer Tammy Segments Recording Engineer Luke

53:39

Sealer and thank you all for

53:41

listening! Please join us again next

53:43

time for Kelly Corrigan Wonders. I'll

53:46

be back on Friday with a new for the. Good

53:48

of the order and on Sunday with a

53:51

new thanks for being here. In the meantime,

53:53

I'll see you on Instagram actually. Hey,

54:10

I'm able to ask. We are conducting

54:13

the survey. It gets know you are

54:15

audience better. It won't take long and

54:17

it's easy to. Visit.

54:19

Survey says prs.org

54:21

flashed says that

54:23

survey that crs

54:26

that or excess.

54:28

And thank you.