0:00

the message. It's Japan. Ohio gazimas. Ohio

0:22

gazimas. We are in the drags.

0:24

The drags of Eurospice season. Hello

0:26

and welcome to another episode of

0:29

Kill James Bond. I am November

0:31

Kelly. I am joined as always

0:33

by my friends Ava Gellthorne and

0:36

Devon. Hey. Hello. I am

0:38

both my own hostage and

0:41

my kidnapper in life. Decided

0:43

to do this and I'm now ready to

0:46

end it. Yes. I don't

0:48

know. I thought this one was okay. Like it's not

0:50

that bad. It's the same movie. I

0:53

can't believe how many of these films

0:55

in the 60s, they just made the

0:58

same movie again and again. It

1:00

makes me appreciate the degree to which like

1:02

these days we have a plethora or a

1:04

smorgasbord of content and like you go to

1:06

the movies, you could be reasonably well assured

1:09

that on two different days you can be

1:11

reasonably well assured those films will be different

1:13

films. But this is just like the spy

1:15

who goes to Japan. It's like we've seen

1:17

that movie like five times. Do you think

1:19

that in the 60s spy who goes to

1:22

Japan was like their MCU? It's

1:24

just like stop showing me movies

1:26

about this. No, the MCU like

1:28

has different genres in it, different takes and

1:30

stuff like these are it does. It does like

1:32

I have to think Disney makes very good products.

1:34

But I'm just like this is

1:36

just the spy who went to Japan again.

1:39

Yeah. All of these characters,

1:41

they're stock characters and these stories, they

1:43

repeat themselves. It's a monomyth. Honestly, this

1:46

is more. I think we

1:48

should write another myth. I think we should come up with a

1:50

thousand more faces for that hero. A by

1:52

myth. More like an oral tradition at this point

1:54

watching these heroes by is like you get the

1:56

there's a double nine. You have

1:59

the girl. In the middle,

2:01

you swap to a different girl and

2:03

at the end, you blow up a

2:05

boat. Absolutely. The thing is, right? It's

2:07

like an expansion of same-guy theory. This

2:09

is same-film theory. For about

2:12

a year now, we have been watching the

2:14

same film and this is the most of

2:16

the same a film has ever been. We

2:18

accidentally worsted the idea of all-timed

2:21

ourselves. Yeah, yeah. We have seen...

2:23

We watched the film again, listeners.

2:25

Yeah, we watched the film. It's

2:27

time for your weekly The Film

2:29

and this time, The Film is called

2:32

Tutsukur A Tokyo put OSS Zombie Set

2:34

which has like 50 English titles. I

2:36

went with OSS 117 Terror in Tokyo.

2:40

Yes, I think that's what we're going with. The

2:42

Wikipedia's called it like Trump Card in the Heart

2:44

of Tokyo for OSS 117. That's

2:47

fucking stupid. Actually, I like that way more.

2:50

What? There's a bunch more English

2:53

titles for it for no real reason.

2:55

It doesn't have anything to do with

2:57

cards. Or Tokyo really,

3:00

to be honest. Like aside

3:02

from... I get the message. It's Japan. Not

3:06

much to make it particularly distinct from

3:08

Bangkok and the last OSS Zombie Set.

3:10

Oh my gosh, you're right. This isn't

3:12

even the first time the series has

3:15

done the film. Yeah, in fact, I'm

3:17

pretty certain it's the same film with

3:19

the same guy because I know they

3:22

changed OSS 117 a few times

3:24

but I think this is like

3:26

the second time Frederick Stafford has

3:29

been the spy in the

3:32

city in Asia in The Film,

3:35

yes. Yes. It's not even you've

3:37

only lived twice. You've only lived 500 times. You

3:41

only live infinite number of

3:43

times. And I will

3:45

say this, one reason why this may

3:47

seem familiar and why this may seem

3:49

like The film is that it was

3:51

written by Terrence Young,

3:53

the guy who directed Docks and

3:56

Knows from Rushworth's Love and Thunderball.

3:58

I see. Oh, okay. I mean, I did

4:00

think it was like a competent incarnation of

4:03

the film. That's because they poached

4:05

the director for the first three

4:07

Bond movies to write this. Oh,

4:09

okay. Yeah, and those are

4:12

the good three Bond movies as far as

4:14

I can tell. Oh, the writing, I mean,

4:16

par excellence, right? Like... But this doesn't have

4:18

anything in it as inspired as Clep. It's

4:21

true. Or as magical

4:23

as Kronstein or as, you know, suave,

4:25

or just like, it's the film again.

4:27

I was ready to open my heart,

4:29

right? If you had given me a

4:31

French Clep, Le Cleb, it

4:33

would have been perfect, you know? You give

4:36

me a French Kronstein, I'm on board with

4:38

it. But instead, this movie offers me very

4:40

much the same story beats. Although there is

4:42

one way in which it differs, right? Is

4:44

that it doesn't have a 009 scene. It

4:47

doesn't open with like, this dipshit got

4:49

killed, now it's time to meet the

4:51

real spy. It doesn't even bother because

4:54

like, we start with OSS Sondyset on

4:56

previous adventure, right? He's driving

4:58

through some beautiful European countryside, like

5:00

half of global warming hasn't happened

5:02

yet. He's being confused by goons and

5:04

some lovely 60s cars. They're still

5:06

in the fuck around century, you know?

5:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes to

5:10

a rock quarry. Likely placed

5:13

to film an action scene, you know? Charlie's Angels,

5:15

yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like, you know, Star Trek scenes

5:17

being shot. Every Doctor

5:19

Who scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

5:21

what's noticeable to me is that there's

5:23

no music. Like, if

5:25

you want to open your film on like a thrilling spy

5:27

chase, you can't just have like, like

5:32

you're almost here, like the indicator's going, you need a little

5:34

bit of like, you

5:36

need like some like, yeah, here we go. But instead, it's

5:39

just like, I want to

5:41

say something funny about the way that my brain works,

5:43

right? In the background of this, I was looking up

5:45

who did the music. This is a guy called Michel

5:47

Manne, right? Which is the French name

5:49

of Michael Manne. There's a guy

5:51

who did the music to this. You mean the guy who was told

5:53

to do the music but didn't set up

5:55

to work? Michel Manne, director of

5:58

Shallow. But like,

6:00

because my brain is fucked,

6:03

I read that he studied at the

6:05

Paris Conservatory, and I read that as

6:07

controversy, and I'm like, damn, this guy's

6:10

cancelled. Like skimming the Wikipedia article, I'm

6:12

like, yeah, this guy's fucking done. It's

6:14

cancelled. They say you gotta teach the

6:16

controversy, this guy's studying the controversy. The

6:20

Paris controversy. And

6:22

that's another one of the same movies, it's the

6:24

Paris Conservatory. I didn't know that, I discounted Robert

6:26

Ludlum novel at the Paris Conservatory. Hold on, I

6:29

think I can cancel Michelle Mann, and this is,

6:31

you can tell how little there is to talk

6:33

about in the actual movie here, because he married

6:35

his wife in 1970, having met

6:38

her while she was hitchhiking as a

6:40

school girl. And he

6:42

was born in 1930, so he was 40 when that happened. Fucking

6:47

crazy. Trying to be a

6:50

pedophile missing and marrying the girl. Incredible.

6:53

Also, I am aware of the Paris controversy, but

6:55

I do think her memoir was really good, and

6:57

also she's a good friend of mine. We've

7:00

blown past all the recommendations in the accord that

7:03

they did afterwards as well. Yeah,

7:06

it was cool to put those accords in

7:08

there. So yeah, we have a mid chase

7:10

scene. There's a Ford Mustang with the like

7:12

yellow French headlights, which looks cool. Nothing

7:14

fancy, there's a goon car, they're following. Why

7:17

the numbers? Yeah, he shoots some

7:19

yellow barrels which are in the quarry for some

7:21

reason. Yeah, this is the thing. I note this

7:23

down. In France, instead of

7:25

our beloved traditional red explosive barrel, they

7:27

have yellow explosive barrels and just little

7:29

like cultural differences like this really make

7:31

me feel like I'm watching a sort

7:34

of a foreign film. It really like

7:36

gives me that sense of culture, you

7:38

know? So he shoots some

7:40

yellow barrels so they leak petrol and then he throws a lighter

7:42

at them and blows up the goon cars. And then he takes

7:44

off, this is why we should have like the da da da

7:46

da da da da da da da, but instead we have

7:48

the OSS Saundyset theme brackets racist version?

7:51

Yes. Yes, the music

7:53

in this, the guy

7:55

did show up, right? The like nonce,

7:58

yeah he's dead now but... The

8:00

non-suited the music for this did show up

8:02

to do some music, it's just that all

8:04

the music was the like racist kind. So

8:06

all of the kind of like, you

8:09

are in Asia, musical cues of like a

8:11

20th century European movie

8:13

are here, right? Including the theme.

8:15

Our beloved OSS theme has been

8:17

like turned into that as well.

8:20

It never recovered, it never got better

8:23

after the original OSS song de sept theme from the

8:25

first one. Co and Matthews, they never

8:27

should have fired him, you know? Yeah, well we had

8:29

the oh la la, this is just, they've made it

8:31

straight, they've made it straight and it's not a good,

8:33

they should have been gay. But

8:36

anyway, this way we get one of

8:38

the best M briefing scenes we've had in a

8:40

while. Yeah, I'll give you the drop again. I'll

8:42

get the message, it's Japan. Well

8:44

no, because M basically says OSS only said you're

8:47

late to the movie. 009

8:49

has already been killed off the green. Spectre

8:52

have an undetectable missile, they want a hundred

8:55

million dollars in diamonds or they're gonna blow

8:57

up one of our military bases in the

8:59

Far East. And they already did

9:01

it. They did it yesterday. Like they're not

9:03

fucking around. This isn't like the ticket card

9:05

for the end of the film. Oh is

9:08

this where have you been, dawg? What's even

9:10

shooting barrels in the French countryside? These motherfuckers

9:12

already blew up a military installation. I really

9:14

like Specter's approach here to be like, you know,

9:17

we want a hundred million dollars from you within 24

9:19

hours and to prove that we're serious, you

9:22

have zero hours. You have minus three hours.

9:24

If a hundred million dollars we blow up

9:26

a base and to show you we're serious,

9:28

the base has been blown up. We've

9:31

not yet identified a second base but... Yeah,

9:34

we'll get on it. But yeah,

9:36

they're gonna strike again. Like they've proven they're

9:38

not gonna fuck around. They all demand it.

9:40

How have they blown up this base load

9:42

specifically? What's their message? Right,

9:45

you have a big briefing. This is one of the two

9:47

funny things that happened in the movie. They have a big

9:49

briefing where they're like, their classic slide projector

9:51

and everything, they're all sat around serious as hell

9:53

trying to figure out what's going on. And the

9:55

idea that gets put forward is what if they

9:57

made a small plane? that

10:00

it could be on the radar and you'd

10:02

think it was far away because it was

10:04

so small but actually it was close to

10:06

you. It is legitimately the Father Ted small

10:09

far away thing, yes. They have miniaturised a

10:11

fighter plane. They were like, what the fuck?

10:13

No one could have shot down this thing

10:15

because that plane was too far away on

10:17

the radar. No, just small, mate. Just small.

10:19

Is that how radar works? No.

10:22

But crucially, you wouldn't think of that.

10:24

You wouldn't think, oh, someone has made

10:26

an exacting small replica

10:29

sort of model aeroplane. Tiny

10:31

F-35. Welcome to

10:34

tiny fighter world, Winston. And yeah,

10:36

as M says, all of human

10:38

warfare into pre and post tiny

10:41

fighter plane, it really changed. I

10:43

mean, that's basically what a drone is. So

10:46

they kind of were ahead of their time

10:48

here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is. As

10:50

we see later on, it's like unpiloted. It

10:52

is remote controlled. But they say, well, there's

10:54

an F-35, but it's miles away. It couldn't

10:56

have been that. I noticed that Sande Sude

10:58

was like, oh, just small. It

11:00

was just a pity. And they're like, what

11:02

the fuck are you talking about? Go to

11:04

Japan, you dipshit. Yeah, literally it

11:07

is like next location. He's like, don't

11:09

fucking tell me Japan. I see on

11:11

the title of the movie. I will

11:13

also say that Spectre here is called

11:15

once again, the organisation. And M's line

11:17

is, you know, we've been contacted by

11:20

a mysterious organisation known as The Organisation.

11:22

I think I would love or

11:24

possibly hate to be contacted by a

11:26

mysterious organisation. Oh, man.

11:29

Depending on what the deal was with

11:31

it, right? You have to get an

11:33

email that changes the whole rest of

11:35

your day. And I think getting contacted

11:37

by The Organisation would really fucking... This

11:39

is basically my relationship with His Majesty's

11:41

revenue and customs. They are the organisation

11:43

that just tells me, yeah, shit's fucked

11:45

now. I love it when the organisation

11:48

calls me. It means that I get

11:50

to kill people for money. It's one of my

11:52

favourite things to do. Calling

11:54

your polycule The Organisation so you can

11:56

say I've been contacted by a mysterious

11:58

organisation and it's just like... three of

12:00

your wives telling you that they want you to pick up

12:02

dinner on the way home. That's so good.

12:04

We have people everywhere. For

12:08

God's sake, you don't expect them to

12:10

actually mean it. Polyamorous people use that

12:13

expression. You'd expect them to

12:15

have someone in the room. Wilson would

12:17

not follow you. That's

12:20

so good. I love that. I'm always sending

12:22

my girlfriends out to check the perimeter. Yes.

12:25

The first thing to know about polyamorous people

12:27

is we have people everywhere. These stories come

12:29

from ancient times. They appear

12:31

once a generation. Here's our guy in location. In

12:37

this situation, it's a

12:39

little lad called Saki. Yeah. Well,

12:41

here's the thing. They have a

12:44

white CIA guy, and then they

12:46

have Saki, the local employee. And

12:48

also, for some reason, neither of

12:50

them are OSS117's contact, who is

12:52

a guy called Rolston. Yeah. He

12:55

never shows up in the movie

12:57

and is killed off-screen in a

12:59

phone call. Once again, they're just

13:01

like, OSS Saki,

13:24

she has amazing eyebrows. And she also

13:26

has the unfortunate distinction of being

13:29

a kind of slightly more cunty

13:31

doppelganger of my abusive ex, who

13:33

looked very much like this

13:35

and was also part French. So I was

13:38

just like, hmm. Wasn't surprised when

13:40

she turned out to be evil. Now, this, by

13:42

the way, is Marina Fladi. She

13:44

starred in two or three things I know about

13:46

her. And this is the thing about all French

13:49

movies is you watch them and you're like, that

13:51

actor was in a way better movie. This is

13:53

not a good movie, but she's in this, right?

13:55

And the deal is she's a cypher

13:57

clock. You remember embassies used to have

13:59

these. there was one in from Russia

14:02

with Love, she has been like

14:04

sexually blackmailed. And it's unusual that they

14:06

make this quite explicit, right? That like

14:08

a guy, a Japanese guy has like

14:11

compromising explicit photos of her. Her and

14:13

Rolston, I think, is the idea that

14:15

like, they went on a date, she

14:18

woke up, she blacked out on the date, woke up

14:20

in a strange place, like went home. A week later,

14:22

a Japanese guy came to her and was like, yo,

14:25

I have like pictures of you and Rolston

14:27

having sex, give me the radio codes

14:29

so I can find out where the base is,

14:31

or we'll post them on the internet when that's

14:33

invented in 50 years. A little

14:35

note here is that there's one of the guys in

14:37

the interrogation room, and this is

14:39

a rare usage of the word incredible to

14:42

mean like, not credible. But what instead happens

14:44

is that she goes, a month ago, I

14:47

met a very polite hot guy, you know, he

14:49

went out to the cabaret in Mikado. Next thing

14:51

I remember, I was waking up alone in a

14:53

bedroom in a Tokyo suburb and this guy in

14:55

the background, a full business suit goes, that sounds

14:58

incredible. You ever see

15:00

someone get gender dysphoria in

15:02

real time? Yeah,

15:06

yeah. Alright, bro, you're working

15:08

through something. I mean, it

15:10

wasn't, it was actually kind of bad, but

15:13

yeah. Also, something

15:15

that struck me about this is like, in

15:18

the pre-internet days, someone leaking your

15:20

nudes was like, still

15:22

very bad, but probably like a much

15:25

smaller threat, I wanna say? He would

15:27

hope so, yeah. Because he's

15:29

gonna like, nail them to a church door?

15:31

Like, what's he gonna do? The thing that

15:33

she's worried about is that she's gonna tell,

15:35

that he's gonna tell her husband specifically.

15:37

Oh yeah, okay. And

15:39

so, OSS just like devises,

15:42

of course, obviously, the spy

15:44

cops plan, again, where he's

15:46

like, I'm going to pretend

15:49

to be your husband. And

15:52

it's weirdly, it's like a sort of like,

15:54

cards up spy cops, where he's like, he

15:56

tells her, I'm gonna show up pretend to

15:58

be your husband. you have to act

16:01

like you're in love with me and we're

16:03

going to like entrap the black bailers. So

16:05

rather than like send her home to the US

16:08

to be like sand trial basically for being an

16:10

accessory to blowing up at the space, they say

16:12

well we're going to let you go and you're

16:14

going to be the bait and my cover is

16:16

I oppose your husband. So that's what they do.

16:19

Then he assaults her. Yes. He

16:21

does. Consent is key. On-screen

16:23

sexual assault within the first half an

16:26

hour in the film. And the

16:28

way that this is played throughout the whole movie and

16:30

for what it's worth, it's repulsively written

16:32

but kind of well acted. The idea

16:34

is this kind of like you have

16:37

this free song, you have this like

16:39

banter between them, right? So like she

16:41

gets off the plane as her husband

16:43

and like sticks his tongue down her

16:46

throat, right? And she essentially

16:48

goes, what do you think you're doing? And he

16:50

says, well, you know, they reward me for being

16:52

audacious or whatever. It's why they made me a

16:54

colonel. And she goes, you should have made your

16:57

general, which is a funny line. It's

16:59

just within the context of, oh,

17:01

you're writing banter about like sexually

17:04

assaulting a woman. It's bad.

17:06

Yeah. She says they go to a

17:08

restaurant and they're like, you know, waving to people and like,

17:11

hello. Neither of them know how

17:13

to use chopsticks. No. The whole

17:15

scene is filmed around neither of

17:17

them. Both of them are holding

17:19

chopsticks wrongly. But neither of

17:21

them are ever going to go for any food

17:24

with them because like they don't know how. So

17:26

they're just in kind of chopstick stasis.

17:29

Well, the actors don't know how, but the character, she's

17:32

meant to be able to like she's been living in

17:34

Japan for years and speaks Japanese. She

17:36

wants to speak Japanese. Yeah. Yeah.

17:38

I think she's meant to at one point, but

17:40

she's like, oh, how far will you take this

17:42

role? And he's like, oh, when my country's interests

17:44

are at stake, I stop

17:47

at nothing. And it's like,

17:49

er, small man's

17:51

misogyny. It's gross. And

17:54

the next note is just stares at tits, which I

17:56

think he does, but I'm not. I don't remember. No,

17:59

he puts the. little recording. Oh yeah, yeah,

18:01

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they get a note

18:03

from the blackmailer being like, come and meet me at

18:05

the blackmail location. And she's like, oh

18:07

shit. Like a fortune cookie

18:09

or something, baby. Yeah, yeah. They get

18:12

like three fortune cookies. And the first

18:14

two fortune cookies are like ancient wisdom

18:16

bullshit, right? Like all warfare is based.

18:19

And then the third one is like,

18:21

meet me at the blackmail location, re-blackmail

18:23

per my previous fortune cookie. Or

18:27

if not expecting blackmail. Yeah.

18:30

This is a total fucking aside. I'll just tell

18:32

this for fun. So this podcast, which is that

18:34

like twice in my life, I

18:36

have received fortune cookies that were like weirdly

18:39

apropos to the situation I was in. So

18:41

one time I was like kind of

18:44

slowly becoming involved in a thing with someone. And

18:46

like we hadn't gotten together yet. And like we

18:48

were both in relationships with other people and we

18:50

went out for some Chinese food. And

18:52

we both got the same fortune, which was be careful,

18:54

you are easily tempted. And we were just like, well,

18:57

we have to have sex now. The fortune cookie told us

18:59

to. And did. Your

19:02

honour, I had sex because the cooking told me

19:04

to. A baked good. It

19:06

was the most like Hail Mary Anthony having

19:08

sex with that person. In a sense, you

19:10

know. Well,

19:13

we then had a nice relationship for a while.

19:15

But anyway, and then most recently, I was in

19:17

a breakup with someone and we went for Chinese

19:19

food. And my fortune cookie said,

19:21

do not give in to cynicism. And

19:23

I was just like, oh, thank you once again.

19:26

Fortune cookie. You have a special relationship with a

19:28

fortune cookie, you know? Yeah.

19:30

Yeah. Yeah. My

19:33

question is why are fortune cookies

19:35

a Chinese American food item on

19:38

the menu? Question mark. In

19:40

Japan at a Japanese. I wouldn't worry about it.

19:42

Okay. Yeah. No,

19:45

you're right. They're not even cookies. They're like fortunes wrapped

19:47

around a piece of stone that gets given to them.

19:49

And I don't know. Well, very bad cookie. Very bad

19:51

for your tea. You get your

19:53

fortune stone thrown at you. Don't

19:55

eat that. Unless you have fortune. Just

19:58

like check out this proverb, idiot. he's like

20:00

fine, we're gonna, we're gonna entrap

20:02

them and the way we're gonna

20:04

do that is because Japan is

20:06

just becoming famous at this point

20:08

for like micro-electronics, here is this

20:10

Japanese made brooch that contains a

20:12

secret microphone. And I will say

20:14

that it's slightly more realistic

20:16

than a lot of like bugs in

20:19

movies in that it has to have a power

20:21

source. This is a recurring bit though, we

20:24

are told that these microphones have to have

20:26

like a battery wired to them. And so

20:28

like he later on, on another woman, he'll

20:30

be like well where do you keep the

20:32

battery, right? And so he kind of like

20:34

sexually assaults her some more in the course

20:36

of like putting this brooch on her and

20:38

then like in store like wiring the battery

20:40

to her and he'd like unzips her dress

20:42

and like ogles her from the back. And

20:45

it's meant to be suave and she's meant

20:47

to be like, is she maybe a bit

20:49

into this despite herself? And like I say,

20:51

this is well acted so it conveys that

20:54

it's just that what it's intending to convey

20:56

is so fucking gross now that you're like...

20:58

Just the raw facts of the situation or

21:00

not? Yeah, I don't know

21:03

that I would act like this, I don't know that many

21:05

women would act like this, you know? Just a thought maybe.

21:07

But you show this to an audience of like 1960s French

21:10

guys and you know, they love it and

21:12

they develop some strange ideas about women. Also

21:14

something I noticed is that she's outdoors

21:16

wearing this brooch microphone and there's no

21:18

like dead cat or anything on the

21:21

brooch. So presumably all the sound she's

21:23

going to capture, apologies, so I just...

21:28

Oh, this is just like listening to that feed being

21:30

like, ha. Apologies,

21:33

Nate. I really can't hear shit it turns

21:35

out. Yeah, yeah. And

21:38

we get a couple of shots of 1966 Tokyo

21:40

but it's like so perfunctory that I don't

21:42

even bother writing down, you will never be

21:45

in 1966 Tokyo because it doesn't look like

21:47

anything. I did write that, it looks

21:49

pretty, I liked it. It was nice. Give

21:51

it the attention it deserves. So it's just

21:54

like, and here's the dog, like you only

21:56

live twice, gave more consideration

21:58

to like Japan. Japan is a place

22:00

that might be cool to look at

22:02

and this movie does. He does

22:04

the same thing Sean Connery does in that which

22:06

is he walks around looking at Japanese stuff and

22:08

just like shaking his head. So a guy goes

22:11

past wearing, I don't know if they're pronounced Gita

22:13

or Gator. Gator, yeah. Gator, they cover clogs with

22:15

a little like stilts on them and he just

22:17

like shakes his head and I'm like, that's normal.

22:19

Only in Japan. Oh you crazy Japan, what do

22:21

you think of next? I get

22:23

the message, it's Japan. Yes,

22:25

seeing a totally normal pair of shoes.

22:30

I understand, it's Japanese. There's

22:33

a couple of these, he like, the meat

22:35

is happening at the like at a temple

22:37

and so anytime he goes past like the

22:39

like Tori, anytime he goes past the like

22:41

statuettes and stuff, he looks at those and

22:44

he goes like, ah Japan, what do you

22:46

think of next? It's wild that you have

22:48

all this. Meanwhile, there's a paper over here,

22:50

this is crazy. Meanwhile, she's kind of like

22:52

bantering with him some more over the microphone,

22:55

she's making fun of him for being a

22:57

pussy which is always a reliable way to

22:59

get me to like you as a character

23:01

in a Bond movie because she's like, yeah, I'm

23:03

taking all the risk and the gallant Colonel is

23:06

just like sitting in his car watching. That

23:08

prompts him to like get out and be like, check out all

23:10

this Japanese shit they got in Japan. Fine, fine,

23:13

fuck, I'll come. I'm walking around then. I'm

23:17

not intimidated by sandals. I will allow

23:19

myself to be goaded into taking unnecessary

23:22

risks. I am a very good spy.

23:24

They made me Colonel. It's

23:27

weird to be like he mentioned this at every

23:29

opportunity is his rank, you know, like Bond

23:31

never hits you with the commander, you know,

23:33

doesn't say that in his favour. So she

23:36

goes to the blackmail meeting. Yeah, there is

23:38

a guy in a sinister trench coat and

23:40

I love a sinister trench coat. You don't

23:42

get this these days. You can't even buy

23:44

them at some point. They decided to stop

23:46

selling the kind of trench coat that makes

23:48

you look like mad sinister. What else has

23:50

he got? What else is he sure they

23:52

have to call and buy and I'm imagining

23:54

different kind of trench coat. This

23:57

is like the kind of khaki coloured like

23:59

Macintosh. sell these to women

24:01

to like specifically like very tall skinny women?

24:03

Well that's my problem like on a couple

24:05

of counts yeah. I've seen them

24:07

in those. I guess there's never been as

24:09

far as I know a like mass shooting

24:11

perpetrated by a guy wearing one of these

24:13

macintosh's like because the only like firearm available

24:15

to you when you're wearing one of those

24:18

is like a kind of snub nose revolver

24:20

so you get to like shoot six people

24:22

right. We're now putting we're coming together with

24:24

a sort of metric of whether or not

24:26

specific jacket types have been used in mass

24:28

shootings here. Yeah.

24:30

Most of my jackets are still in the clear I

24:32

think. The other thing

24:34

this guy has is facial deformity which we

24:36

haven't seen in a hot minute but as

24:39

a classic for a spy series he's got

24:41

a little facial scar. Yeah very strange but

24:43

like we haven't seen this in a while

24:45

because you would have assumed that 1960s movies

24:47

would be worse about things like this but

24:49

it's actually worse now. That's true that's earnestly

24:52

true especially since the scar itself is like

24:54

quite subtle. Yeah. I didn't pick up on

24:56

it until he describes this guy to someone

24:58

else later who's like oh he has a

25:00

scar under his eye. I missed it completely.

25:02

Yeah I mean it's not very well done

25:05

so it could just be like sauce or

25:07

something. Yeah I was thinking about the coat.

25:09

Because nowadays most like all five for five

25:11

Craig Bond villains had a facial deformity. God

25:13

that's true. Every single one. I guess

25:16

they thought the scariest thing is like

25:18

what if there was a businessman. Well

25:20

I mean also you have to bear

25:22

in mind that it was also way

25:24

more racist so they thought the scariest

25:26

quotient was increased a bunch by like

25:29

being Japanese. That's very true. Japanese guy

25:31

with like a really minor scar is

25:33

like that's the most terrifying thing your

25:35

average 1966 French person

25:37

has ever seen. I haven't calibrated

25:39

my Hitler particle detector for like

25:42

the 1960s audience. This

25:45

is I mean specifically for instance like a

25:47

Pétain particle like detector but yeah. Well

25:49

I guess to an American audience like

25:51

at this time period some of them

25:53

might have like within their lifetime has

25:55

been fighting Japanese soldiers. Yeah absolutely. I

25:57

don't know I've never really considered that.

26:00

into one year's earlier, like

26:02

yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

26:05

Anyway, so her mic cuts out and

26:07

then she gets into a car and

26:09

drives away and Sondi-Sappe follows this guy

26:12

into the world's most obvious trap, which

26:14

he immediately falls. Romantic meeting. Yeah,

26:17

right. Genuinely, I

26:19

wrote this up, but see, he follows him

26:21

through a kind of weird sex club, right?

26:24

And this being a traditional thing that we

26:26

get to like poke fun at Japan for,

26:28

right? Because nowhere else has weird sex stuff.

26:30

And the weird sex stuff is he walks

26:32

in, he like pays the thing at the

26:34

door and they hand him a camera. And

26:36

the idea is there's a bunch of men

26:38

with cameras taking photos of like strippers, right?

26:41

This is not a sustainable business model. You

26:43

have to buy all the cameras first and

26:46

pay the strippers. I mean, these days, if

26:48

you want to like get together with a

26:50

bunch of your friends and like take like

26:52

film photos of beautiful women, you just have

26:54

to transition to do that. I

26:56

assume they don't allow you to take pictures in a

26:58

strip club. I've never been in one, but I assume

27:00

that's the case. It's like a themed activity, I think

27:03

is like the idea. So

27:05

it's like if your fantasy is to like take

27:07

photos of women, then you can just do that

27:09

for a fee in like a controlled environment, you

27:11

know? I mean, this

27:13

whole sequence, like you're showing me 1960s

27:16

Japan by night shot on a film

27:18

camera. I'm only f***ing human, okay? I

27:20

see the thing, then you're on activate. What

27:23

am I gonna do? Yeah, absolutely. I was

27:25

trying to take you two to the strip club where

27:27

they give you the cameras and you guys are complaining

27:29

about the camera. I was trying to look at what

27:31

model of camera it was and I couldn't even make

27:34

it out and that really upset me.

27:36

Yeah, and specifically because of that, I noticed

27:38

that it changes to a different camera on

27:40

one shot. And I was like, it's such

27:42

a cinema since d***ing thing to notice. I

27:44

swear to god, it's not the kind of

27:46

film criticism I want to do, but I

27:48

was staring to break the camera. There's so

27:51

little else, like f***ing substrate

27:53

for the film criticism here. They actually like

27:55

the movie, there's so little in it that

27:57

we're reduced to this. They do have this

27:59

like... kind of like gay tension because he

28:01

follows him he's like he follows him into like

28:03

a hotel or something and then like

28:05

the Mr. Facial deformity is standing at the other end

28:08

of the corridor like framed really be used here as

28:10

well He'd like looks over his shoulder in the

28:12

light. He's a good-looking guy He's wearing those like

28:14

met fucking menswear jacket and the thing about a trench

28:16

coat This kind of like trench coat, you know, it's

28:18

got like a kind of waist to it as

28:20

well Which a lot of men's clothing at the

28:22

very didn't he's like overshod He's smoking and I'm like

28:25

damn we can I like fuck this guy or what

28:27

boss? Okay Obviously, oh,

28:29

so somebody says thinking the same thing right

28:31

and so he advances Awards

28:33

in like upon the like fuckable

28:36

Japanese man at which point he

28:38

is made victim to the textbook

28:42

uncle This

28:45

is straight out of the instructional

28:47

DVD Incredible

28:49

stuff you like they trained for eight

28:51

months to sell this uncle chop. It's

28:54

it's beautiful a guy just like Waits

28:57

in one of the side rooms and as soon as I

28:59

assess on these that goes past him comes out and

29:01

like pops And right between the shoulder blades. It's

29:03

beautiful Yeah

29:19

The goons who are carrying him away unconscious

29:22

having been vastly chopped They

29:24

get chased away by some other guys

29:26

who then just like just abandoned him

29:28

and he wakes up backstage at the

29:31

strip club Yeah, his idea and I see

29:33

that he's like mr. Wilson and they go

29:35

our we can't fuck with this guy, you

29:37

know We're blacking his wife. Let's just

29:39

leave him Yeah And so they

29:41

just leave him where he wakes up surrounded

29:44

by concerned strippers Which must be nice and

29:46

then he does the fucking broken English thing

29:48

like a cunt and I mean they charge

29:50

him for the Camera and you really hope

29:53

that they inflated that by like a factor

29:55

of a hundred just because of that, you

29:57

know head

30:00

on ceiling me very silly.

30:02

Well he actually wasn't being

30:04

racist, he just suffered a

30:06

serious neurological injury. Might not

30:08

say luresseisme? Great. He

30:11

goes back to Ava's house, little detail I

30:13

have here immediately helps himself to her booth.

30:16

Very rude. Yeah. He's

30:18

a rude man is the thing. He's very presumptuous.

30:20

He's very rude, especially given that he now rapes

30:22

her. In many ways

30:25

the ultimate act of rudeness. Which is a very rude

30:27

thing to do. In fact,

30:29

he's... In many sort of

30:31

etiquette guides. In Japanese culture they frown

30:33

on this. Yeah,

30:35

this is considered impolite. Yeah. He

30:38

hasn't done his homework obviously. What he says to this

30:41

woman is he goes, well I'm pretending to

30:43

be your husband so we're gonna have sex

30:45

now obviously. She goes, I prefer that you

30:47

didn't. And he goes, that's fine,

30:49

I'll go get a hotel somewhere else call me if

30:51

the bad guys show up to kill you. The way

30:53

he delivers that line, a little bit comfy as well,

30:55

he's like yeah just call me if anyone starts shooting.

30:58

Then the dub on this, it sells

31:01

the whole thing a bit more. Unfortunately

31:03

what it's selling is rancid. Yes. And

31:06

then she gives in. So there's no

31:08

two ways about that. That's just rape.

31:12

Do not get Terrence Young to write your movie. He will

31:14

write this kind of thing into it. God,

31:17

what the fuck happens next? My next note

31:19

is Sexy Lady Sniper Van.

31:22

Which is a very compelling four words

31:24

in any language I think. Hello Croydon,

31:26

we are Sexy Lady Sniper Van. Yeah,

31:30

so a van pulls up that's got a sexy lady on

31:32

the side of it. Being sexy lady, it's

31:34

like a cardboard sexy lady. It's not like printed on

31:36

the thing, it's like the wall of the van is like

31:38

one oversized sexy lady. It's

31:40

like very visually impactful. And

31:43

then the face of the sexy lady

31:45

is concealing a guy with a dart

31:47

gun. This is the, Terrence Young did

31:49

this in From Russia With Love in

31:51

reverse. It's the same scene backwards

31:53

where the like sniper rifle comes out of

31:55

the sexy lady instead of like shooting a

31:58

guy coming out of the sexy lady. So

32:00

like it's just fucking chat GPT this

32:03

fucking thing just plagiarized like GPT one

32:05

in Yeah,

32:08

GPT one used to run on a bunch

32:10

of like real to real things and it

32:13

would spit out like yeah, then he rapes

32:15

her Well, thanks. Great. Thanks man. So he

32:17

shoots what we think is Saundy set in

32:20

the bed and then I Love

32:22

the way this with the guy when

32:24

he gets out of the sexy lady sniper van is

32:27

just like he's very calm He's walking very slowly. He's

32:29

just like yeah, bossed it Nailed it absolutely

32:31

kicked his cousin. Yeah. Yeah. This

32:33

is your classic like sinister henchman

32:35

very very sweaty looking like always

32:38

like Sticksheen sweat. This is mr.

32:40

Chang brackets not played

32:42

by a Japanese actor. Yeah They

32:49

have Japanese actors in this movie couldn't find another

32:51

one I guess and then yeah He

32:53

likes neeks in and he does the funniest

32:55

fucking thing that it's possible to do with

32:58

a house in which Most

33:00

of the walls and doors are made

33:02

of paper screens, which is

33:04

locks her in the bathroom Yeah,

33:07

I'll fucking do it. It's gotta be honest

33:09

that would not stop me. I would simply

33:11

walk through the wall Yeah,

33:13

you have a good excuse to do

33:15

that and it's gonna like feel good

33:17

as hell, right? Like you're gonna Walk

33:20

through that wall. Yeah, if I got the opportunity

33:22

to like walk through a shoji screen I would

33:24

be like so fucking enamored

33:26

with that first opportunity But I

33:29

might need to walk through We

33:33

do like a live show in Japan just

33:35

come out and we just walk through like

33:37

50 shoji screens We

33:40

come through one panel each Here's

33:42

a question. Here's a question. Yeah, how

33:45

many shoji screens stacked up? Do you

33:47

think you could run through? Oh

33:49

max max? Philosophy I'm going at like

33:51

maybe optimistic here like pen. I think

33:53

I could go through ten like back

33:55

to back I wanna this is my

33:57

new game show. I'm pitching this to

34:00

to channel five. It's gonna be like hole

34:02

in the wall. Do you remember that? How

34:04

many shoji screens do you think

34:06

you could run through in one go? I'm workshopping the

34:08

title. Yeah, okay. Now this is pretty good. Like we

34:10

can we can work on this. If

34:12

you get through that round, we can move

34:14

on to like foam core. We can get

34:17

like dry words. Yeah, we make them thick

34:19

at like it's cardboard now. Yeah, no one's

34:21

ever beaten the final round, which is just

34:23

bricks. It's

34:26

a vault door. How many how many vault doors can

34:28

you like run through? And it's coming at

34:30

you fast as well. So really, yeah. But

34:33

yeah, so so he like locks her in the

34:35

bathroom. Oh, yeah. And then he

34:38

goes to like inspect his work. Not really

34:40

any reason for him to do this. He's

34:42

already killed the guy. He pulls the cover

34:44

off the bed and reveals

34:47

that he has fallen for the

34:49

oldest trick in the book. The

34:51

classic canonical puts

34:54

a weird mannequin in

34:56

your bed in case someone shoots

34:59

it. 117

35:01

branded blow up doll. That's it. Now, here's

35:03

my question. Oh, is this somebody said went

35:06

to the strip club? Yes, and then he was knocked

35:08

out and then he came back to ever source and

35:10

then shied. So he didn't have

35:12

this with him. It's

35:15

an inflatable like mannequin version of

35:17

yourself. So presumably uninflated, it could

35:19

have just been in his pocket.

35:22

And then having had sex with

35:24

her, he then goes, Do you

35:26

mind if I inflate this copy

35:28

of my stuff? But it's

35:30

not of him. It's just like a plain

35:32

crash test demi face with a tooth pay

35:34

on it. So I'm just like, hey,

35:37

why do you have she has to

35:39

like man from uncle thing? This is

35:41

like her inflatable clown. Yeah. Why do

35:43

you have an inflatable man? Many many

35:46

1960s women, it seems at least

35:49

two from having done this podcast

35:51

were very into having a kind

35:54

of like inflatable humanoid figure in

35:56

their bedrooms for

35:58

reasons unknown. I also. I also like to

36:00

have like a stuffy or something when I sleep

36:02

like but I feel like inflatable. I hate when

36:04

you like go and have sex with a girl

36:06

and you've got to like learn all of her

36:08

inflatable mannequins names, you know? But I just feel

36:10

like an inflatable stuffy you're tempting because if it

36:12

pops in the night you get a fucking sheet.

36:16

Turning my inflatable mannequin to face the

36:18

wall before I have sex. Faking up

36:20

in the middle of the night and

36:22

it's like fully inflated, lent up against

36:24

the corner of your room. Oh Jesus.

36:26

Like, oh fuck, okay. I mean,

36:28

to be fair, right, having one of these, it

36:30

allows you the opportunity for some very

36:32

funny pranks like that. Including the one

36:35

that OSS117 has just played on Mr.

36:37

Chang because it Chang pulls

36:39

back the cover and fairly shits

36:41

himself to see that the mannequin is

36:43

now like, it's been pierced a little

36:46

like dark from the dark gun deflating.

36:48

And OSS117 is behind him and holding

36:50

him at gunpoint. And

36:52

Mr. Chang, this accent.

36:56

Very, very racist. Mr. Chang, played

36:58

by a guy called Jacques Le

37:00

Gras. Okay. Says. Doesn't

37:03

sound promising. Yeah. Sort

37:05

of at gunpoint. Oh yeah, my bad,

37:07

sorry about that. Dang. Dang, that's crazy.

37:11

Wasn't expecting you to hit me with the classic

37:13

inflatable body double. That's my mistake, you know? I'll

37:15

be real with you chief, I wasn't prepped for

37:17

this. I don't know what we do from here.

37:19

He does a very racist accent, he calls him

37:21

the honourable foreigner. It's like everything

37:23

but the fake teeth, man. It's

37:26

so, so bad. He's

37:28

wearing like yellow face makeup, I'm pretty certain. Also,

37:30

I said, OSS117 said, it's like, right, take me

37:32

to where you were going to take me when

37:35

I was unconscious, take them at gunpoint. On

37:37

the way, they have this back and forth where they

37:39

quote Confucius and I'm like, yeah,

37:42

all warfare is based. Oh,

37:45

that's not, that's not, that's not Japanese, dude.

37:47

We do get like one of like three

37:49

interesting shots in the movie where we get

37:51

like a long shot of a first

37:54

generation Shinkansen, the bullet trains. The ones

37:56

that still look really like bullets, like

37:58

speeding across the world. us like a

38:00

sort of elevated railway over a rice field.

38:03

Yeah, this was a beautiful shot. I was

38:05

just like, Oh, yeah, pretty. It was good

38:07

with the best part of the movie, the

38:09

b-roll, you know, it's like bisected by the

38:11

like sexy lady sniper van going the off

38:13

the direction. I mean, whoever, whoever was on

38:16

like second unit on this film. Yeah, great,

38:18

great job. You nailed it. My

38:21

next note says, RIP Mr. Chang.

38:23

I guess because they're being followed.

38:26

Yeah. And like the guys

38:28

come on the radio and they're like, oh, so when they

38:30

said, what, we're following you, don't

38:32

try anything. And he tried something. And

38:34

to prove we're serious, we have planted

38:37

a bomb in the sexy lady sniper

38:39

van, which when did they do this

38:41

and how little confidence do they have

38:43

in the work of Mr. Chang that

38:46

they like plant a bomb in his

38:48

work car just in case he gets

38:50

owned badly enough that he ends up

38:52

in it with a S.S.

38:55

on the set. Also, it's on the

38:57

back seat. Yeah. You didn't notice that.

38:59

I mean, maybe that's why he's on the

39:01

kind of like we put a bomb

39:03

in your car performance improvement plan is because

39:05

he doesn't look for these things. It's

39:08

got lights on it, man. You're like, I mean, to be

39:10

fair, like he does. He

39:13

does. As soon as they come on the radio, he

39:15

does say, hey, you guys aren't mad at me. Hey,

39:18

everyone. Just checking if this is an organisation

39:20

that tolerates failure. Yeah, Mr. Chang at this

39:23

point is doing is doing what I do

39:25

whenever my agent calls me, but except he's

39:27

also doing a racist accent. I

39:31

just feel like, why are you calling me? Are you

39:33

mad? Your agent calls you and you do a perfect

39:35

racist accent to get insecure about your career. Every time

39:37

I later, any time anyone in the acting world calls

39:39

me, I got to call anyone from the exec producers

39:41

of the show. I'm going to be in the summer

39:44

and I was just like, oh, I didn't expect you

39:46

to call me. Is everything all right? She's like, yeah,

39:48

just checking it out. You did like so because now

39:50

soon as it's like, oh, sorry,

39:54

sorry about that racist accent. Mr.

39:56

Chang has basically the same conversation

39:58

where he's like, you guys. Have

40:00

I been like sucking up somehow have I wronged you in

40:02

some way and that honestly they kind of like, you know

40:05

Gas them up a bit. They're like, no, no, no, you're

40:07

fine. We love you it's just you are in a car

40:10

with the guy that we want to kill so like Probably

40:13

don't like I mean,

40:15

I don't rate your chances if it

40:17

helps with sorry. Yeah, you see you

40:19

seem nice It's

40:23

just you're not gonna be in this movie Mr.

40:25

Chang is like solid solid lad gets

40:27

you know gets the round in every

40:30

time it's like fine to work Where he's in

40:32

the yellow face and he's doing the accent and they're

40:34

like, yeah Again, we really

40:36

frown on doing that in this country

40:38

specifically. Yeah in Japan as well. Yeah

40:40

to be doing the light race pseudo

40:44

Japanese It went for the

40:46

first opportunity to be like, oh you failed this

40:48

organization, right? All right Yeah,

40:51

you're sort of evil genius who is really

40:53

like Obviously waiting for you to fail in

40:55

order to be like you're five minutes late.

40:57

This organization does not sorry failure bang Did

41:01

you remember to put your your can away is that your can

41:03

right there and he's like, oh no, that's not mine He's like

41:06

right fine. Whatever touch hands

41:08

the metal plate Oh So

41:14

Andy set points the van he's in at the

41:17

goon car and then jumps out and the

41:19

managers to blow up all of them I repeat

41:21

mr. Chang we will not miss them. Damn shame

41:23

Always hoist by their own petard those other

41:25

two guys, you know, which goes to show you

41:27

know And at this point the Sunday

41:29

set remembers to do some actual fucking detective work.

41:32

I was like, wait a minute Why don't we

41:34

just go to the bar where you dated Wilson

41:36

and got knocked out? Maybe we'll learn something Which

41:40

we probably should have done on

41:42

day one actually the micardo Cabaret

41:44

we need to meet the second woman in

41:46

the book. Yes. This is Ted Sica She

41:49

is like a hostess at this cabaret

41:51

and the way that the cabaret works

41:53

Right is that you buy tickets at

41:55

the desk and then you like like

41:57

chucky cheese except with like more sex

41:59

work right? Because then you cash

42:01

in those tickets for like you get

42:03

to buy this hostess a drink or

42:06

like have a dance with her or

42:08

Whatever. He buys some tickets and

42:10

then comes up with her and introduces Hetiko

42:13

to Eva the like other

42:15

girl as Miss

42:18

Four tickets like with her

42:20

like commodity value Which

42:22

is the worst fucking thing I've ever

42:24

seen in my life. They should kill

42:26

this guy for real like Earnestly

42:29

he should be killed. Yeah, it's a

42:31

pity But yeah,

42:33

and at this point like Saundysack

42:35

claims that Eva is his

42:38

sister It's like oh, she's my sister She's

42:40

just leaving and then she retorts by being

42:42

like my brother has epilepsy and sucks Really

42:47

funny for the for your pole to embarrass

42:49

a guy being like he's got epilepsy You

42:51

need to slap the shit out of him

42:53

a thing You definitely need to do with

42:56

with people with epilepsy. Also, this is not

42:58

enough the only time I write down strange

43:01

polyamory vibes Yeah

43:06

Have that energy of like my girlfriend and I

43:08

saw you from across the bar and we

43:10

think you're cool Yeah, this is like the

43:13

bad polyamory bit though because like at this

43:15

point actually because in these 60s movies like

43:18

Corrective rape works, right? This woman is like

43:21

kind of in love with him now And

43:23

so as a consequence when she's being kicked

43:25

out because he wants to hang out with

43:27

this other woman She's jealous and that's why

43:29

she's like setting him up to fail is

43:31

that she both Kind of has

43:33

some contempt for him in a like a

43:35

sort of playful banterous way, but also is

43:38

jealous as fuck Well, she's monogamous you see

43:40

and that's always difficult Mmm, yeah, yeah, yeah

43:43

She's like some some bad jealousy stuff.

43:46

It's the eye concern eye consent. I

43:48

don't yeah, yeah, he like Seduces

43:52

Tethko. He's like, hey, what time do you get off

43:54

work and can it be now and she's like, yeah

43:56

fine Sure. He gives

43:58

all of his excess tickets to another,

44:00

to like the only other white guy in

44:02

there on the way out and

44:04

it's like these are from the UN, which

44:07

I don't know that the UN does that.

44:09

Yeah, if they do, they shouldn't. You

44:11

don't like the biggest danger in here, I want to give you a

44:14

leg up. You

44:16

want to talk about UN agencies that need to

44:18

be defunded, the one that just like buys sex

44:20

workers for... Well, actually, I mean a few UN

44:22

agencies have done that in their time, but nonetheless.

44:26

So he says a tattoo girl says, I have

44:28

two questions. Firstly, have you seen... I feel for

44:30

the answer these in any order. Firstly, have you

44:32

seen the blackmailer from the scene from earlier? Do

44:34

you remember that scene? Yes. And

44:36

secondly, shall we have sex now? Answer

44:39

these in any order you like. And she's like, I'm going to

44:41

take your second question first. Let's

44:43

go to an inn and

44:45

do a little bit more racism and

44:47

then have sex. Yeah. Yeah.

44:50

She claims not to know the guy with

44:53

the like cool coat and also facial scar,

44:55

but she's like willing to take him to

44:57

like a rural inn like a sort of

44:59

the trad motel. They're like bathe him, they

45:01

dress him, we get some more like, oh,

45:04

Japan, what do you like? Like

45:06

pretty girls. Before they get there, though, he does

45:08

find a microphone on her, which is where we

45:10

get the like, yeah, where are you keeping the

45:12

battery pack for that? Yeah, this is kind of

45:14

like interestingly done and trying to do the same

45:16

thing as before. They're like, oh, they're both maybe

45:19

playing each other and nobody's being honest with each

45:21

other. It's kind of fun. And

45:23

he convinces him that this like microphone

45:25

is just something that like her boss

45:27

uses for workplace surveillance. Yeah.

45:29

And he buys this and like, no

45:31

question. He's like, okay, she's gathering cookies

45:34

on the clients to, you know, every

45:36

other spy in one of these movies

45:38

is so much more competent than she

45:40

was. That's very true. It

45:44

never, never cost his mind that she

45:46

might be a spy. He's less competent

45:48

than the parody version of himself. Yeah,

45:52

honestly, he goes to the end with her and

45:54

they're like, okay, you go put on a kimono

45:56

now and be like washed and stuff. And the

45:59

whole time he's. doing the same thing as

46:01

with the gator where he's like, well, isn't this

46:03

a novelty? It appears to be some kind of

46:05

like dressing gown situation. Okay. I guess

46:07

I'll go along with this. At

46:09

this point, and I made careful note of this, listen,

46:11

because we'll come back to it later, the guy

46:14

who owns the inn is like, Oh, glad

46:16

you're having a good time. By the way,

46:18

I have a gun. Yeah, he comes up

46:20

from a bow with a gun, which is

46:22

a great piece of hospitality. Call an ambulance,

46:24

but not for me. And

46:28

like forces him into the next room

46:30

where we get Japanese jewels. I

46:33

wrote down that this room was the

46:35

Mongo Dojo Onsen, which I don't

46:38

think is a legal combination of

46:40

words. No, definitely not the

46:42

villain from Powerpuff Girls. You

46:51

have to cut this beyond my something really funny.

46:53

I also wrote down that exact. I

46:55

was building to the fucking

46:57

Mongo Dojo from Powerpuff

47:00

Girls. I'm sorry. I'm

47:04

so sorry. I beat you to the first. I'm

47:06

so sorry. Actually, I don't even know why we

47:08

would need to cut that. We can leave all

47:10

this in. Yeah, we can leave this in. Don't

47:12

let them know that you had that joke as

47:14

well. Yeah. I

47:16

completely sniped you off. I'm sorry. No,

47:18

no, no. Yeah. Holy shit.

47:20

Mongo. It's a big

47:22

dude. It's a big guy. Look, you

47:24

get all the classics in here. Someone

47:26

studied their big guy fights. There's a

47:29

bunch of pillars around

47:31

and he punches through one.

47:33

Classic. He takes three headbutts

47:35

before he starts showing any

47:37

effects. Classic. He is making

47:39

gorilla noises the whole time.

47:41

Not good. Really

47:43

don't like that. No. Yeah.

47:45

Oh, I said somebody set him

47:47

on fire and runs away. As

47:51

he's chasing this guy down, the guy

47:53

realizes something that I've previously expressed opinion

47:55

on, which is that running through a

47:57

shoji screen is fun as hell. Yeah,

48:00

see once again, they lock him in the room

48:02

and are like done, nice. And then he just

48:04

comes to the screen and they're like, oh fuck.

48:06

Oh, yeah. It's objectively fun to like punch through

48:09

a wall or door. And when you make that

48:11

wall or door out of paper, you're really inviting

48:13

that from me. I'm sorry, I don't know. I'll

48:15

tell you. And he goes through like 50 of

48:17

these fucking things in pursuit, in like hot pursuit

48:19

of this guy. And eventually he gets on a

48:22

motorbike and drives away, at which point Tetsuko like

48:24

rolls up in his car and is just like,

48:27

what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, get in.

48:29

Does right having been owned and tricked and kind

48:31

of kidnapped as far as he knows by her,

48:34

he just gets in the car? Is

48:36

he stupid? What? He is stupid.

48:38

So the guy in the back with a gun who

48:41

is the same guy who picked him up and

48:43

saved him earlier on when he was knocked out

48:45

by the Uncle John, right? And this is Tesco

48:47

value Taiga Tanaka. Yeah, from You

48:49

Only Live Twice. Yeah, he says I'm

48:51

I'm kawachi. I'm Japanese secret service. Your

48:53

SS on the set. The big

48:55

guy was an ally. He was just supposed to lead

48:57

you to me. Why did you attack him? And I'm

48:59

like, hang on one motherfucking minute.

49:02

If this guy was on our side,

49:04

why did the innkeeper pull

49:07

a fucking gun on me? Well, hello.

49:09

Welcome to the meeting. Here is your

49:11

complimentary meeting gun. I'm offering

49:13

it to you barrel first, as is

49:16

like tradition. Bullshit, bullshit. By

49:18

the way, he does also claim

49:20

that the big guy, the manga,

49:22

was a sumo wrestler, which knows

49:25

you are not built like that.

49:28

No, kind of. Yeah,

49:30

no, no, but no kill on that guy, which

49:32

did give me a lot of hope that

49:34

he would come back. Family does not go.

49:37

Tetsuko is really Sergeant Tetsuko, Japanese secret

49:39

service. And we are also looking for

49:41

Mr. Facial Scar from from that scene

49:43

earlier on. So let's work together. I

49:46

noticed somebody says like, oh, let's have

49:48

sex. And they do. Not

49:50

you, kawachi. Just you, Tetsuko. Legitimately, we

49:52

go from him being scolded because he

49:54

calls her a geisha. Right. Which is

49:57

not. And kawachi goes, she's not a

49:59

geisha. She's. the sergeant, and the

50:01

next shot is her massaging his

50:03

back post-sex. And they do an

50:05

extended bit about like Japanese

50:08

women, that I

50:10

really it's like pushing the

50:12

cultural insensitivity and misogyny factors

50:14

like way up just

50:16

by itself, where he's like, he's never

50:19

had sex with a Japanese woman before

50:21

and he thinks it's like special

50:23

in a kind of magic way,

50:26

I think? Yeah, it's real

50:28

bad, it's real bad. It's like Japanese women

50:30

have a special way, like most

50:32

you can say for this scene is at least she

50:34

initiates the sex. True. This

50:37

one seems to be consensual.

50:39

There we go. Hello, bar.

50:41

Mm-hmm. Yeah. First one.

50:44

I love this scene because he gets a

50:46

phone call. God knows where they are or

50:49

how fucking Babcock has his number, but whatever.

50:51

Babcock calls him and is like, oh, it's

50:53

so soddyset. You have to

50:55

do the fucking movie because Ralston's

50:58

dead. You have

51:00

fucked up so bad. He keeps saying

51:02

later stuff, you know, while he's fucking

51:04

around, Ralston has been killed off screen.

51:07

Mission failed. Yeah. This plays into a

51:09

theory of mine about this movie that

51:11

I've forwarded a little, but there's a

51:13

bunch of Japanese in this, obviously, like

51:16

the main bad guy, every villain is

51:18

all talking in Japanese. They talk Japanese

51:20

too. Our main guy a lot. Never

51:22

at any point is that translated. No. I've

51:25

chosen to believe that this is a

51:28

directorial decision to put you in the

51:30

shoes of our protagonist because one on

51:32

seven doesn't speak even a fucking word

51:34

of Japanese. And I'm choosing to

51:36

believe that he spent this entire movie just having

51:39

no fucking clue what is going on at all.

51:41

Yep. Yep. You and shit. Ava

51:43

even called it off with

51:46

that earlier on. Like when he fits it with the

51:49

microphone, she's Like, you don't

51:51

speak Japanese. You're not going to know what the fuck's

51:53

happening in this meeting. He's like, shut up. And Again,

51:55

I Remind you that his attitude towards going to Japan

51:57

was I Get the message. It's Japan. Whatever

52:00

of pick it up my whatever how

52:02

hard could it be walked around shouting

52:04

at him and his I know that

52:06

give zero go or how can it

52:08

be they are weird sues that's all

52:10

I need to months it's above Go

52:12

get my list of roasted is dead

52:14

because of youth we use fucking like

52:16

get back on the movie now avers

52:18

obviously the village of the film my

52:20

dog like come on says he keeps

52:22

Dc keeps doing like sexy bands as

52:24

his so evil. Yeah, look at

52:27

eyebrows. They go to like since

52:29

I owe her house and t there

52:31

with the guy and this guy I

52:33

don't think sees that it's just him

52:36

banana see a sad yes yes yes

52:38

babcock to like coal her away with

52:40

the like of sir pretext your phone

52:42

call them as breaks into the house

52:44

say one one seven and to a

52:47

gaffe an apprehend this white boy is

52:49

yet though he apprehend the shit out

52:51

of is why boy business white boy

52:53

right I like this Why Bikes is

52:55

very striking face yeah so country I

52:58

love. And he looks like of George Russell

53:00

was hot like this isn't if we were,

53:02

If you're if we've watched best assumed this

53:04

is all resell from jews and gym and

53:06

not someone who had a lot of success

53:08

after that movie and ended up being in

53:11

this this is his kind of like Laysan

53:13

be in Hong Kong phase right? That's a

53:15

pity because I think it is a good

53:17

job and as he does a lot more

53:19

attractive in a suit for a lot better.

53:21

Taleban Woman Seven I'm like, well this guy

53:24

the last three movies. Seriously though, right light

53:26

and it again much like with the. The

53:28

macintosh guy like that. there's a little for

53:30

them freefall like a get the movement like

53:32

day and the thing is if they had

53:35

like and sort of this. Idiot.

53:37

fredericks method kept co and matisse

53:39

and just leaned into it this

53:41

could have been a beautiful homosexual

53:43

series of films but instead it's

53:45

to med yeah this guy like

53:47

hello i'm the real turnbull yeah

53:50

i'm i'm a real husband and

53:52

we get the second polyamory vibes

53:54

chang and this is the good

53:56

polyamory vice because the way in

53:58

which john wilson buckets Like

54:00

confuses and throws OSSondi set off the

54:03

scent is like yeah, it's

54:05

actually cool good for her if you two

54:07

are fucking like I don't care. We've been

54:09

divorced. I have like a compression or whatever

54:11

I have this copy of the ethical slut have

54:14

fun, you know line is take good care of

54:16

her Which I'm just like, oh, that's nice quite

54:18

sweet night Yeah, it works totally by the way

54:20

like the second he leaves us as long as

54:23

I was like, what a nice guy I have

54:25

no further question He's not

54:27

the villain of the film but sake sake does

54:29

have further questions kasaki remember sake sake's in the

54:31

film Don't get attached. He's not in the film

54:33

now in fact because he follows Wilson

54:36

And then Wilson puts on a pair

54:38

of mirrored blue a the acha is

54:41

fucking sick shoots him dead and they're

54:43

like Genuinely

54:47

grab this image and a few other like

54:49

shots of Henri sir walking around

54:51

from this movie and make a kind

54:53

of like John Wilson fan cam because

54:55

it is like Gangster shit

54:58

the way that he like shoots this guy

55:00

the funniest gunshot acting I've seen in a

55:02

minute puts on the glasses and just Walk,

55:04

it's great. It needs like Tommy Hilfiger fragrance

55:06

in the bottom right or something Like it

55:08

looks like he's in a fragrance that it's

55:11

very like soundtrack to a really slow down

55:13

the Lizzie vert like It's

55:16

really good. We also get a really interesting shot

55:18

whether like Sharky

55:21

sharky fuck me. I might as

55:23

well be Doctor no,

55:25

but yeah, like one syllable

55:27

off. It's sake like in

55:29

inter interchangeable henchman Chucky

55:32

that one. Yeah, all youngers writing

55:34

papers about using actually the naming

55:37

Etymological similarities of sharky and sake to sort

55:39

of build like a big meta and I'm

55:41

in yeah Theology of

55:43

this euro spy one film. It's one film.

55:45

But so yeah local ally gets got I'm gonna get

55:48

a PhD on this shit and then you're not gonna

55:50

be laughing at me. I Haven't

55:53

been um, yeah Just

55:55

earnestly like I'm laughing It

55:57

was more of a general you to the audience. The YouTube.

56:01

I see no, they're definitely laughing. He, because

56:03

we're professional comedians, this is all lantern outside.

56:05

the temple was like a sort of circular

56:07

toss out in the frame, a sock, his

56:10

car and at my photos wilde on as

56:12

a couple. Yet again Eleven Director the Second

56:14

Unit. Great job Yeah. Thrill of. says.

56:17

A couple a good shots in the I

56:19

will say this as well. this doesn't make

56:21

Saki as kind of late. and three Double

56:23

o nine I can. I just know that

56:25

I've been on the lol I is it

56:27

a double or nine at a while I

56:29

typically gets murdered. Yeah, no pressure. Publisher new

56:31

I guess rules that was a double O

56:33

nine. Role Sigma in the the

56:35

Dublin and use the Dublin I use landline

56:38

not appearing in this both a them. So

56:40

this point as soon as that goes back

56:42

to a bernie like to have figured out

56:44

the you have a villain of the of

56:47

the Smell Of and you're clearly fucking with

56:49

us? Yeah you're the village of the film

56:51

because there's no one else around. What's the

56:53

other technique available through a sixty zeroes by

56:55

others and right when a woman like annoys

56:58

him in any way. Violence, yeah violence we

57:00

stop. I have any. Yeah Super Bowl and

57:02

I like uber talking Stilts your your specter.

57:04

Your husband. Despite her you gateway the radio codes

57:07

and blue of the base because you spent to.

57:09

And then she's like, Actually

57:12

a nice i say that my husband's is

57:14

nice and kind of place to woman towards.

57:16

It was. Still do

57:18

that. Yeah and as like an ultimate

57:20

message this one was out immediately for

57:23

such as needed like South Cup interface

57:25

me like oh no no precious books

57:27

yes he sees I I I just

57:29

wanted to support my husband and then

57:31

he joined Specter so I had to

57:33

like you know help with respect the

57:35

stuff. Is sick

57:37

like a little specter of.

57:41

the uniform like ice is really inspector the moment

57:43

as as i wish he wouldn't but i'd try

57:46

to support him and at so be gonna get

57:48

through a cunt getting read on hills you man

57:50

like it's like see almost like he's joining like

57:52

the red pill movement also be suffice if i

57:54

supported him like you know getting his act together

57:57

but it like him being inspectors tearing apart off

57:59

after like a Guardian magazine's feature and the

58:01

main photo is me and my husband.

58:03

I've got my arm around him. It's

58:05

in the sofa of our lovely North

58:08

London home. And it's like our marriage

58:10

is being torn apart by his being

58:12

in spectre addiction. I do

58:14

a bunch of really sympathetic pull quotes to make

58:16

me seem nice and I divorce him. Is this

58:18

somehow the fault of transgender? I don't know if

58:21

he's gonna get home or if he's gonna touch

58:23

the metal plate. It's

58:27

so hard waiting for your husband to come

58:29

home when you know he works for an

58:31

organisation that doesn't tolerate failure. He sucks. He's

58:33

gonna fail. Why are you telling him this?

58:36

Being in a group chat with all the other

58:38

like spectre wives. Hmmm. Spectre

58:41

wives is a really good bit. I'm

58:43

gonna like fucking have that in my

58:45

head for writing. Say this, I'm saying

58:47

you can't join spectre. You fail

58:50

too often. You

58:53

need an organisation that tolerates

58:55

failure. Do you think once

58:57

you have to touch the metal plate, do

58:59

you think that your widow is kind of

59:02

like socially like pushed out

59:04

of the spectre wives group because she makes

59:06

all the other spectre wives feel too nervous

59:09

and bad? I should have known something was

59:11

up when he wasn't just wearing a wedding

59:13

ring but also a ring with

59:15

an octopus on it. There's no

59:17

way they have a robust like next of

59:19

kin payoff system because like there's no way

59:21

these guys are unionised otherwise they wouldn't be

59:23

being killed for no for the sake. It's

59:26

like you touch the metal plate and

59:28

it like not only kills you it

59:30

like perfectly incinerates the lunch that was

59:32

like lovingly packed for you by your spectre

59:34

wife. Oh no.

59:37

Getting you a new eye patch for your anniversary. Sorry

59:40

darling but the other thing that doesn't

59:42

tolerate failure is our marriage. I

59:46

think spectre probably puts like a real

59:48

strain on a marriage right because like.

59:50

It's gotta. Yeah

59:52

like you're probably not working if your husband

59:55

inspects it right like imagine. You'd hope not

59:57

but Monica Bellucci wasn't. First of all for

59:59

the money, but second of all because if

1:00:01

he's out there, you know trying to like

1:00:03

attach a canister of nerve gas to a

1:00:05

helicopter right you can't go to work as

1:00:07

like I don't know like a fucking cardiologist

1:00:10

or Like retail assistant of

1:00:13

other jobs that people have and just every day

1:00:15

and just like be like, yeah This is cool

1:00:17

like double income. No kids spectre household No, no

1:00:19

No You've got to like because the hours are

1:00:21

so unsociable because it's so like all consuming and

1:00:23

weird and probably there's like a hell of an

1:00:25

NDA Attach it's like he's in the army or

1:00:27

something like you It's really like

1:00:29

you moved around a lot between like Bangkok Tokyo,

1:00:31

etc. Etc. No, you've got your own job I

1:00:33

mean for one thing if you want a lack

1:00:35

of Toleration of failure you need to pay me

1:00:37

enough money to not want to fail you You

1:00:39

know, like giving me minimum wage you're gonna be

1:00:41

getting minimum effort and then I'm gonna have to

1:00:43

touch a metal plate We

1:00:47

know that being inspected isn't conducive to having a family

1:00:49

because the only spectre guy we know who had a

1:00:51

daughter Layers to go

1:00:53

and ended up fucking James But again

1:00:55

the spectre wife is just like it's

1:00:57

affecting our daughter like she's fucking James

1:00:59

Bond now Having a

1:01:01

rebellious phase where you fuck James

1:01:03

Bond because you grew up in

1:01:05

a spectre family That

1:01:07

is just the plot of the

1:01:09

last two movies. I grew up

1:01:11

in a really strict kind of

1:01:13

spectre family There's always

1:01:16

finding guns around the place. Yeah under the

1:01:18

sink It was only until I went on

1:01:20

spectre rum Springer, but I started to realize

1:01:23

like these are strange Learning

1:01:34

that I might have done specs a rum Springer I'll

1:01:41

tolerate your failure Oh

1:01:48

It's gonna be really hard for me

1:01:50

not to immediately start writing spectre wives

1:01:52

the second I finish the recording That's

1:02:00

why I suspect a Rylan. Wait,

1:02:02

copy that. You

1:02:04

can't touch this shit. We're

1:02:08

not half-tied to suspect a Rylan. We'll be having a Hulu at

1:02:10

the end of the year. My

1:02:13

husband's a supervillain. Oh my

1:02:15

god, okay, yeah, right, fine.

1:02:18

We're all working on a fucking script for this

1:02:20

and we're gonna pitch that. Right,

1:02:22

yeah, so you get another M scene and the

1:02:25

M scene is like, alright, first of all, your

1:02:27

guy's dead, you didn't do anything, everyone's dying. She's

1:02:29

getting bad. This

1:02:31

is an organisation that tolerates the absolute

1:02:33

fuck out of failure. You'll be like,

1:02:35

your direct orders from me are, don't

1:02:37

fucking do anything. We're paying the ransom,

1:02:40

you fucked around too much and we're

1:02:42

right out of time, man. We fucked

1:02:44

it. The thing is,

1:02:47

right, MI6, OSS, the

1:02:49

CIA, whatever it is, whatever organisation's on the

1:02:51

side of good in these things, tolerates an

1:02:53

unlimited amount of failure. Like, even when Bond

1:02:55

gets kicked out, they always go, ah, go

1:02:57

on then, come back in MI6. They

1:03:00

tolerate infinity failure and so this time

1:03:02

they're like, whatever you do, don't

1:03:05

lose Eva Wilson on the way back to

1:03:07

the United States and guess what? Of

1:03:09

course they fucking successfully kidnapped her

1:03:12

from M. From M, actually, which

1:03:14

is, yeah, it was really funny. However,

1:03:16

there's no real scene with it. Like, Hubis

1:03:18

just like, just take her back to Washington, she's

1:03:20

done, she gets down trial. Like, you

1:03:22

get a scene of her in the car

1:03:24

with M and he's like, there's no

1:03:27

way that you're gonna get kidnapped. And then there's no

1:03:29

like, interstitial scene, it's just later on in the film,

1:03:31

there's a scene of her in the car with Wilson,

1:03:33

who's going like, well, obviously we couldn't let you leave.

1:03:37

Obviously they got in. M

1:03:39

runs over a cyclist, Kirstarmer style, and then

1:03:41

the cyclist... Oh fuck, I forgot about the

1:03:43

cyclist. The cyclist is faking, he's a goon

1:03:45

and that's how they kidnap Eva and then

1:03:48

M gets arrested. Because

1:03:50

he also does not speak Japanese

1:03:52

despite the bad cock. You're

1:03:54

the CIA's guy in Japan, you should speak

1:03:57

some fucking Japanese, you dick. It's gotten

1:03:59

arrested by Japanese. and he's cops are all yelling

1:04:01

at him and he's like, oh man, everyone's so mad

1:04:03

at me. I'm the head of the CIA in this

1:04:05

country and speaking the language. Yeah, but like so the

1:04:07

lesson from this is if you hit like an Uber

1:04:09

Eats guy on a bike with your car, just

1:04:11

keep driving. That guy's inspector, don't worry

1:04:14

about it. Yeah, that guy's inspector. He's also

1:04:16

fake. Yeah, his wife's gonna be really upset.

1:04:18

Probably still moving. Just keep driving, you know,

1:04:20

don't even look back. Just don't think about

1:04:22

it at all. Like really like, you're

1:04:24

still a good person. You can still like move on

1:04:26

from that. I think you don't need the labor body.

1:04:30

You feel like it. The thing is, just don't ever go

1:04:32

back there or think about it and then it's fine, you

1:04:34

know. I could sort of lose the plot

1:04:36

a little bit here. The one on seven has a fight

1:04:39

with a guy with a samurai sword, which

1:04:41

doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Oh, yeah.

1:04:43

They noticed that the ambulance was fake. The

1:04:45

guy who got hit by it, you see

1:04:47

him later on like taking the livery off

1:04:49

your ambulance. I would hate to be on

1:04:51

like ambulance scrubbing duty, but I would love

1:04:53

to be on ambulance livery changing duty.

1:04:55

I wrote it down. You know what?

1:04:57

Fuck you. Deliveries your ambulance. By

1:05:04

delivering it, you remove the ambulance's power

1:05:06

and it just becomes a van. It's

1:05:09

a van, yeah. You disgrace to

1:05:11

the ambulance unit. I've seen a bunch of

1:05:13

like deconsecrated ambulances used as like camper vans

1:05:15

and stuff before. And you can always tell

1:05:18

in the same way that like, you know,

1:05:20

this building used to be a pizza hut,

1:05:22

right? Like this camper van used to be

1:05:24

an ambulance. Like people have presumably died in

1:05:27

the back of your camper vans. Can't

1:05:29

just be out here clocking ambulances. I'm

1:05:33

not saying that it's still an ambulance. I

1:05:36

respect the journey it's undergone. But

1:05:38

biologically, it's still an ambulance. No,

1:05:40

I'm merely saying that there is an

1:05:42

origin point that is like visible to

1:05:44

me. And I respect I respect the

1:05:46

fact that it's made a difficult decision

1:05:49

to be more authentic than most ambulances

1:05:51

that just stay what they are. Right.

1:05:53

No, that ambulance, it's got really big

1:05:55

hands. No, no, you see the thing

1:05:57

is, right? I think that an ambulance

1:05:59

that has been de-consecrated that way is

1:06:01

in many ways like a stronger vehicle

1:06:03

and I'm sick of people calling me

1:06:06

an ambulance chaser. Ahhh yes!

1:06:09

I knew you were going there. Yes! Yes!

1:06:12

How they need for ambulances, okay. But I knew

1:06:14

you were gonna get the ambulance chaser like come

1:06:16

on can't she do it? If she's not I'm

1:06:18

gonna do it. You can see when she's cooking

1:06:20

you really can. Yeah, yeah I'm wearing the big

1:06:22

chef's hat you know. Ahh

1:06:25

beautiful, beautiful. There's

1:06:28

a samurai sword fight, you know you gotta have

1:06:30

one, it was fine. It was surprisingly good for

1:06:32

the genre but. They're

1:06:35

trying to draw things out because we know they're gonna

1:06:37

end up on a boat. One thing first is before

1:06:39

they have the samurai thing, 117 infiltrates this location right

1:06:43

and they have, they don't make it explicit I

1:06:45

assume it's meant to be like a nice and

1:06:47

gal floor thing right or it's just like a

1:06:49

regular loud floor but the way he creeps around

1:06:51

is to just walk entirely on the balls of

1:06:54

his feet without taking his shoes off and it's

1:06:56

just one of the funniest walks I think has

1:06:58

been committed to film and it doesn't work because

1:07:00

the second you round the corner there's a guy

1:07:02

with a samurai sword going okay what samurai sword

1:07:05

time motherfucker. I've got this for a reason

1:07:07

and you are not gonna like what

1:07:10

that is son. Inevitably

1:07:12

it's the katana fight. Yeah there's

1:07:14

a katana fight, it's really nice

1:07:16

it's like OSS fucking javelins this

1:07:18

guy. Yeah he kills another guy

1:07:20

with a phone. He pretends to

1:07:22

be dead. He's been insanely good

1:07:24

kill on the phone guy I don't know. Yeah

1:07:26

he just hang a guy out of the window

1:07:29

on a telephone cord which is all clocked in

1:07:31

today and the thing is after this point every

1:07:33

time actually someone's speaking Japanese and you cut back

1:07:35

to OSS 117 it really does behoove you to

1:07:37

imagine him being like I wonder what he's saying.

1:07:39

He's on the phone, he's talking so urgently. I

1:07:42

wonder what's going on. We

1:07:45

know they've got to end up on a boat at some

1:07:47

point because that's how this all fucking is. There's

1:07:49

some shenanigans about like you know Ava's been

1:07:52

kidnapped, there's another guy, another villain, Korean guy,

1:07:54

whatever. Well here's the thing about

1:07:56

the villains right, she has to meet the

1:07:58

organisation's bosses, the ones. her husband is

1:08:00

like trying to impress, right? Oh yes.

1:08:02

They are, respectively. Well first of all,

1:08:04

this movie gets the Die Another

1:08:07

Day award for anti-Korean racism

1:08:09

because I don't care to

1:08:11

speculate but I think the

1:08:13

1960s Japanese intelligence services may

1:08:15

also have been pretty anti-Korean.

1:08:18

Hmm, probably. We find

1:08:20

out that one of them is this

1:08:23

like Korean industrialist and Tezco goes, oh

1:08:25

yeah, Yoko Susan. He's like an industrious

1:08:27

Korean by the way. Hmm, bastard. Just

1:08:29

check this shit out and he's Korean.

1:08:33

And also another guy called

1:08:36

Vargas. There's the

1:08:39

second Vargas. This is what he does.

1:08:42

This is what he does. He's moved up in the world,

1:08:44

you know? They're running the

1:08:46

joint now. Don't bother about either of them. They're

1:08:48

just fucking, they're just dudes. Don't get the thatched.

1:08:50

No. They're there so that John Wilson has

1:08:52

someone to talk to about his evil plan. Yeah, Miss

1:08:54

Wilson's there. She's getting the chat. They leave.

1:08:57

They get attention from Stuart who goes,

1:09:00

hey, it's me. I'm here. Guess

1:09:02

what? I need you to plug this

1:09:04

crystal into whatever wall socket you can find and

1:09:06

that'll help us. The tracking device.

1:09:08

It's charged by jacking off. Yeah, it's

1:09:11

the tracking device. In the next scene,

1:09:13

there's a guy on a big computer

1:09:15

who says the phrase, we're all set

1:09:17

Colonel. We've tuned into the crystals frequency

1:09:19

and I liked that. Yeah, absolutely.

1:09:21

Crystal's have those, you know? Right.

1:09:24

Ladies, gentlemen, it is a Euro spy movie. It's the

1:09:26

finale of the Euro spy movie. Where are we going?

1:09:29

It's boat time. We're getting on a boat. Out

1:09:31

to sea. Everyone get your boat, Shugo.

1:09:33

We get on a really big boat

1:09:36

though. Yeah, yeah. Tanker. And

1:09:38

it's like, ooh. It's got the like big boat that

1:09:40

swallows a smaller boat from thunder ball. Yeah, that's funny

1:09:42

as shit because I started like trying to come up

1:09:44

with an idea of like you can tell how much

1:09:46

budget a Euro spy movie had by how big the

1:09:49

boat they blow up at the end is. And

1:09:51

they're in this massive boat, fucking boat and I'm like,

1:09:53

oh shit. They've got dollars. And

1:09:55

then they go into a little internal

1:09:57

berth and there is a second much.

1:10:00

much smaller boat in there and I'm like, there

1:10:02

it is! Breaking off from the thing to be

1:10:04

like, yeah, this is the boat that we're gonna

1:10:06

fucking blow up. Yeah, the tanker is

1:10:08

stock footage but the small boat is the one they

1:10:10

blow up. But anyway, she activates the tracker, 117 is

1:10:12

like, right off I go, it's time for the finale

1:10:14

of the film. Tetsuko bites his

1:10:16

finger playfully when she kisses him, which

1:10:19

is kinda cute. Yeah. He

1:10:23

flies out over the tanker in a

1:10:25

small aircraft, skydives in. Cool. How

1:10:28

he is not seen. Mm hmm. Also,

1:10:30

by the way, when he gets like 10 feet

1:10:33

above the water, he just like takes off

1:10:35

the parachute and just free falls, which is,

1:10:37

I've always found, just like exit parachute. Yeah,

1:10:39

he gets into the sea next to the

1:10:41

oil tanker, is presumably instantly dragged under and

1:10:44

killed. Yeah. And just like

1:10:46

crushed. You can't like swim near an oil tanker.

1:10:48

Man has not been reading how to avoid huge

1:10:50

ships. Mm hmm, yeah. Climbs

1:10:52

aboard with a grappling hook. Yeah,

1:10:55

Batman style. Batman style. He

1:10:57

infiltrates, he does some like sneaky

1:10:59

splinter-cell stuff, including a bit where he like has to like,

1:11:02

perch on some pipes hanging from the ceiling. Mm

1:11:05

hmm. And then I had completely

1:11:07

forgotten about the miniature fighter planes at this

1:11:09

point. Yeah. But

1:11:11

remember the miniature fighter planes? Well,

1:11:14

they're here and they're also nuclear,

1:11:16

I guess. Oh. Because

1:11:18

there's like a nuclear reactor and some guys

1:11:20

on the lake, Dr. No, has matsuits walking

1:11:22

around. Yeah, I mean, there's gotta be something explosive

1:11:24

on that small boat that has to be. So,

1:11:27

like the timer is about to run out,

1:11:29

the like deal is off clearly, they're gonna

1:11:31

blow up as like another American base and

1:11:33

they're gonna do it with the like miniaturized

1:11:35

fighter planes. Yeah. The

1:11:38

Americans try to deliver $100 million in diamonds,

1:11:40

but I think Vargas pucks it

1:11:42

up somehow or Tetsuko sabotage of it and

1:11:44

then the Americans flee with the diamonds. I

1:11:46

really like how the Americans are just like,

1:11:48

yeah, fuck it, we will concede to terrorism.

1:11:50

Like we will absolutely pay you off. We're

1:11:52

trying so much, we're like throwing like pallets

1:11:55

of cash at you, but you want to

1:11:57

think. They're doing the Margaret Thatcher thing of

1:11:59

like, we don't negotiate with terrorism. Terrorists, I

1:12:01

was just kidding. Yeah,

1:12:03

we don't negotiate with terrorists except we

1:12:05

really want to. Me on public. I

1:12:07

will never negotiate with terrorists. Me immediately

1:12:09

on private sliding into the DMs. Hey!

1:12:12

You have been added to terrorist chat. Bracket

1:12:14

secret. I've

1:12:17

been contacted by the organisation. But

1:12:21

yeah, so they fucking infiltrate their

1:12:23

way to the control

1:12:25

room of these fighters where

1:12:28

the real John Wilson is

1:12:31

preparing to blow up the American

1:12:34

base. Never fight. This is

1:12:36

pretty good. Henry's out. He's fucking fast. He's

1:12:39

throwing punches out. There's some real weight behind these

1:12:41

things. What was wrong with this guy if there

1:12:43

was anything wrong with him that he didn't get

1:12:45

a lot of work? Yeah, I don't know. It's

1:12:48

a good fight. They do well.

1:12:50

They managed to launch one of the little miniature

1:12:52

planes. What the fuck happens

1:12:54

now? Do you have a fist fight on a burning

1:12:56

boat? Yeah. Eva

1:12:58

kills her husband. She finally breaks

1:13:01

through with poisonous control

1:13:04

and becomes a Spectre-X wife by shooting

1:13:06

him. Again, we need some music.

1:13:09

This is a point where you should have the like... But instead

1:13:12

we just have like... Yeah.

1:13:15

Just a boat engine. It's just static

1:13:17

shots. It's really hard. You

1:13:20

can tell that they're really struggling to film

1:13:22

in such a sport. Yeah, but Nons just

1:13:24

didn't do a good job on the soundtrack.

1:13:26

I know that the Spectre-X wives have

1:13:28

like way better adventures.

1:13:31

Like, no question about that.

1:13:33

Like... Monica Belucci was a

1:13:35

Spectre-X wife, wasn't she? What happened to her

1:13:37

in that film? Oh, I don't remember. Probably

1:13:39

fine. Yeah, yeah. Probably got covered in a

1:13:41

substance, statistically. Yeah, yeah, probably, yeah. Well,

1:13:44

two probably. We hate to get covered in

1:13:46

a substance. That's not true. I

1:13:50

don't like that we have the kind of

1:13:52

like... You have the human intelligence sources to

1:13:55

know that, you know? I

1:13:57

can follow that to like one remove to know how

1:13:59

you know that. I might think

1:14:01

of it as depend on the substance. What's wrong

1:14:03

with getting covered in substances? It's

1:14:05

the neutral thing, it's substance dependent. So

1:14:07

long as you leave a space at

1:14:10

the base of my spine for my

1:14:12

skin to breathe. But yeah, so he

1:14:14

sees his control of the little tiny

1:14:16

fighter and aims it at the fucking

1:14:18

boat and then they jump off in

1:14:20

time to avoid the explosion. By the way, as he's shoving

1:14:22

her off the boat, he's like, I hope you can swim

1:14:25

by the way, I would

1:14:27

have considered this question before blowing up the

1:14:29

boat, but yeah, whatever. We

1:14:31

do get quite a fun scene transition where they

1:14:33

jump in the water and then they surface in

1:14:35

like a hotel pool, because it's like sometime later

1:14:37

and now they're on holiday, like yay! Yeah,

1:14:40

and then he dodges work again in

1:14:42

the classic like, oh, I'm busy shagging

1:14:44

so I won't be in

1:14:46

sort of way. He's done nothing but dodge

1:14:48

work his whole film! It's fine when a

1:14:50

podcaster does it, but when a spy does

1:14:53

it. And so consequently for the

1:14:55

next movie, he's going to be as late for

1:14:57

everything because he was fucking, you know? They

1:15:00

made one, two,

1:15:03

three more of these, by the

1:15:05

way. Really?

1:15:07

Really. Jesus Christ. OSS117

1:15:10

double agent, OSS117 takes

1:15:13

a vacation, which I'm pretty certain he already

1:15:15

fucking did in this one. He takes enough,

1:15:17

but take a fucking vacation. What

1:15:19

did he do? Like, did he do anything? He

1:15:22

hasn't actually done anything in this entire

1:15:24

movie. The only spy work he did

1:15:26

was specifically against orders. I mean Bond

1:15:28

does that all the time to be fair,

1:15:31

but yeah, he didn't. Is that that telegram he

1:15:33

was dodging at the end? It was going to

1:15:35

be sacked. He's just going

1:15:37

to ignore that and show up to work the next day. OSS117,

1:15:40

you are the worst ever spy. Genuinely

1:15:43

though, but we don't have

1:15:46

to just resort to subjective judgments

1:15:48

about this. What is this, the

1:15:50

cast review? Yeah, we

1:15:52

have a science-based system. It's called

1:15:54

the WPATH guidelines for transgender care.

1:15:57

Yeah, we have an evidence-led and

1:15:59

compassionate... approach. And so we're gonna

1:16:01

fucking rip this fucking film on you

1:16:03

one. We have an evidence-led and compassionate

1:16:05

approach called the SCUM system. It stands

1:16:07

with MUM. Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence and

1:16:09

Misogyny. Which is also what WPATH grades

1:16:11

you on. So, ow, I just ate

1:16:13

some of my own hair, Jesus Christ.

1:16:15

This is the thing about having like

1:16:17

long hair against my face. How smummy

1:16:19

is this movie on a scale of

1:16:21

zero to seven? I wanna

1:16:23

say like five. He definitely has more

1:16:26

lines in the first half. Like

1:16:29

yes, all the stuff about I'm your husband

1:16:31

and like I always go too far and

1:16:33

commit crimes in the name of my country.

1:16:35

Bracket sexy. In some ways it's too

1:16:37

perfunctory to be as smummy as it should be.

1:16:39

Like by the end of it it's just like,

1:16:41

oh whatever. Like to be fair, even in the

1:16:43

first part, when he's told like you're going to

1:16:45

next location he goes, oh boss that. I get

1:16:48

the message, it's Japan. So yeah, fine, yeah, easy.

1:16:50

When he's like, you were built to carry batteries.

1:16:53

He does say that to a woman, which

1:16:55

is so baffling. Like we work on those

1:16:57

like girls who like want to be robots,

1:16:59

you know, the like mecco sort of pilot

1:17:01

girls. So yeah, that would, that would

1:17:03

hit. But like to like a not

1:17:05

that woman, weird. Japanese

1:17:08

women have a special way. Five?

1:17:11

Yeah, I would say five. Cultural

1:17:14

insensitivity. It's got to be six or

1:17:16

seven. This isn't

1:17:18

good. Yellow face. Yellow face. Yellow

1:17:21

face. Yellow face. Yellow face. Yellow

1:17:23

face. And at any point, even by the

1:17:26

characters that we like are supposed

1:17:28

to sympathize with, it's really bad.

1:17:31

Japan itself isn't portrayed as like

1:17:33

a particularly like negative place.

1:17:36

It's just an unusual place where they

1:17:38

have strange shoes. But again, it's like

1:17:40

largely as a function of lack of

1:17:42

effort. Because they couldn't be bothered to

1:17:44

make it like have any sense of

1:17:46

anywhere. So it's just like, well, it's

1:17:48

Japan. Much as the guy says,

1:17:51

I get that it's Japan. I

1:17:53

guess like Kawachi and Saki

1:17:55

are competent allies. They do just disappear

1:17:57

from the film in Saki's case because he's killed. But

1:17:59

like Yeah, you have a Japanese female spy who gets

1:18:01

to do more than the Japanese female spy and you only

1:18:03

live twice in a lot of ways. Yes,

1:18:06

that's true, but she's also an exotic, sexy,

1:18:08

servile Asian lady. True. It's

1:18:10

very reductive to take all of these

1:18:12

factors and all these different racist things,

1:18:15

especially for us as three white people to like, condense them down

1:18:17

to six. Mm-hmm. We've been doing that for the last two

1:18:19

and a half years and I think we're gonna stop now, so...

1:18:22

No. Yeah, we're gonna do it as well, six.

1:18:25

Unprovoked violence? I

1:18:27

mean, hanging the guy with the phone was a

1:18:29

bit extreme, but it was pretty provoked. He was

1:18:32

trying to kill him. Yeah. He'll

1:18:34

do a ton of unprovoked violence. That is one

1:18:36

of the things about this guy. Saving Grace. Not

1:18:38

because he doesn't want to do anything. Like, if

1:18:40

he's doing any sort of spy work at all,

1:18:43

he's upset about it. He's trying to do like,

1:18:45

more smarm and more fucking, right? Like, even

1:18:47

when he catches up with like, the guy in

1:18:49

the like, uh, overcoat or whatever, he's trying to

1:18:51

fuck him. And then that gets him

1:18:54

Uncle Joke. Yeah. No, he's huge as ass, man. Yeah.

1:18:56

He's just huge into father misogyny. He's just

1:18:59

going for those too. Hahahaha.

1:19:03

I'm not sure if he's taking a place

1:19:05

or that. Hahahaha. We have a

1:19:07

science-based system. It's called the BDSM system. It stands

1:19:09

for, um... Yeah, there's actually

1:19:11

not a lot of, not a lot of

1:19:13

violence in this, except in the last half

1:19:16

hour. No, really. I mean, he slaps a

1:19:18

woman unprovoked to get information

1:19:20

out of her and punish her, right? That's gotta

1:19:22

be worth a couple of points, right? We count

1:19:24

women as people. Wanna say two? Yeah. And

1:19:27

misogyny. Uh, really fucking high.

1:19:29

I mean, it's not

1:19:31

a corrective rape, but it is

1:19:33

a textual rape that like, serves

1:19:35

to advance a successful

1:19:38

romance. Like, she

1:19:41

likes him more afterwards. Yeah.

1:19:43

On camera sexual assault. Mmhmm. Multiple

1:19:46

times. Yep. Some of his

1:19:48

comments to her are like, deliberately violating. Like, when he zips

1:19:50

her dress back up after he fits her with the microphone,

1:19:52

later on he says like, I never trust a woman with

1:19:55

a beauty mark on her right hip. I'm like, the only

1:19:57

reason to say that would be to let her know that

1:19:59

you were looking at her hips when you

1:20:01

shouldn't have been like, that's just such a,

1:20:03

they should kill this guy for real. Yeah,

1:20:06

they should kill this man. Take him out.

1:20:08

So actually, hang on a second. Well, let's

1:20:10

go back to unprovoked violence. He

1:20:13

does attack the big guy for no reason.

1:20:15

Oh yeah, the big guy was only supposed

1:20:17

to keep him in there. Textually. But that's

1:20:19

a failure of communication by the guy handing

1:20:21

him the meeting gun. Yes, that's

1:20:24

true. It doesn't speak Japanese, so he didn't understand

1:20:26

when they're going, this is my gun, isn't it

1:20:28

nice? Check out my cool gun. Anyway,

1:20:33

the meeting's through there, yeah. Cool,

1:20:37

huh? All right, if you can wait next door, that'll

1:20:39

be fantastic. You know, this guy's like, I'm going to

1:20:41

start killing anyone. Yeah, I

1:20:43

guess in that case, that makes it

1:20:45

provoked violence. And he doesn't know. He

1:20:47

leaves that guy alive, so he wasn't

1:20:49

like really disproportionate. Textually in the film,

1:20:52

it's unprovoked because Kawachi then later says

1:20:54

like, why did you attack our guy?

1:20:56

Yeah, no, it is unprovoked. But Kawachi

1:20:58

doesn't know that his like, dipshit middle

1:21:00

employee is like, pulling a gun on

1:21:02

the guy, like. Well, all right, fine,

1:21:04

all right. But anyway, back

1:21:06

to misogyny. Yes, finally. It's got to

1:21:09

be like minimum seven. Yeah.

1:21:11

Like, this guy's a rapist. He's like an

1:21:13

assaulter and a rapist of women, like. Seven at

1:21:15

least, out of seven. I would say seven,

1:21:17

yeah, comfortably. Cool. I'd go eight,

1:21:19

I really would. I think this is bad. I

1:21:21

don't like seeing it. And

1:21:23

that gives us a total score of 21, which

1:21:27

is pretty fucking bad. Although, it's

1:21:29

better than the last OSS we did. Mission from

1:21:32

a killer, which was 22. Mm-hmm.

1:21:37

God, yeah, they're getting worse though. Like,

1:21:39

OSS in Bangkok was 14 somehow. Well,

1:21:42

it had the good guy in it still. The

1:21:45

good news is that like, assuming we don't

1:21:47

get bored and move on to a new season,

1:21:50

before this, if we do watch the next

1:21:53

three OSS zombie sets, none of them

1:21:55

have this guy in them anymore. Oh.

1:21:59

Yeah, they repre- place him, they

1:22:01

recast for the next one and they

1:22:03

steal a bit that they originally intended

1:22:05

to do an On Her Majesty secret

1:22:07

service where they go, yeah, he's had

1:22:09

plastic surgery to fool his enemies. So

1:22:11

we're gonna see a like facially feminized

1:22:13

OSS on the set. It's the same

1:22:15

guy. It's gonna look like Jimmy Carr

1:22:17

as the next free episode.

1:22:20

I would hate to have the facial feminization

1:22:23

surgery that makes you look like

1:22:25

Jimmy Carr more than almost anything.

1:22:27

You know what's actually kind of

1:22:29

funny is that you only live twice with 22, so

1:22:31

this is

1:22:35

one point better. Wow. It

1:22:38

came out the next year. I

1:22:40

guess the point is that if

1:22:42

you put less effort even than

1:22:44

James Bond into becoming entirely Japanese,

1:22:46

then... He didn't become any entirely

1:22:48

Japanese. He didn't even speak Japanese.

1:22:51

0.00% Japanese. They

1:22:54

didn't even get the fucking like, oh,

1:22:56

I studied Oriental languages in Cambridge. He's

1:22:59

like, I studied Oriental languages never and

1:23:01

I am no fucking going too dark.

1:23:03

Let me tell you this right now.

1:23:05

I don't know how to speak Japanese.

1:23:07

I don't know what they've got in

1:23:09

Japan. Guys who earnestly like goes to

1:23:11

Japan expecting English to be the only

1:23:13

language in the world. My contact, Saki

1:23:15

who speaks Japanese? Dead. Fails

1:23:17

to protect him. Finally.

1:23:20

Completely fucked this up. My man

1:23:22

is having a like first two

1:23:24

episodes of Shogun linguistic experience.

1:23:27

Like, oh man. Going

1:23:31

through those show screens. All right, we have to stop.

1:23:33

We have to, we must. This has been

1:23:36

an episode of Kill James Bond. It really

1:23:38

has. It's two weeks time on the free

1:23:40

feed. It's the Quilla Memorandum. Oh

1:23:42

fuck off. British neo-noir Euros

1:23:44

by movie. Oh, okay. All

1:23:46

right. Okay. Okay.

1:23:50

What's the next bonus episode going to be? It's background.

1:23:52

It was to the bone was three ago. So it's

1:23:54

Abby now. Is it me? I don't know. I've

1:23:57

not gone with red. I was like something fun. Fantastic.

1:24:00

for joining us and we will see

1:24:02

you next time. Bye everyone! Bye! Goodbye!

1:24:31

Um, but if that is simply too long

1:24:33

for you to wait, you

1:24:35

can help on over to

1:24:37

our Patreon. patreon.com/KillJamesBond, all one

1:24:39

word. Um, and for

1:24:41

next week we're doing Beowulf. Thank

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you to our patrons and of course special

1:24:46

thanks to our 15 pounds and above

1:24:48

patrons and there are 90 fucking two

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of you and they are... Happy

1:25:00

at the time of release,

1:25:02

belated birthday Abby, uh, Labor

1:25:04

Delenda-esque, Callen Burnie, Jay

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Martindale, Library Hitman, Trip,

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Anya Top, L'Enina, The

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Project Project, Lucy

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Stav, Emrys, Commissar

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Ozzy, some sort of silly

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Canadian creature, Whitney

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Wolverine, Loretta Mizzurf, Ash,

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not in Florida, just the worst, Hell,

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a trans robot, a guy who forgets

1:25:52

their own pronouns. I don't know anyone

1:25:54

who would ever do that, that would

1:25:57

be stupid. render

1:26:00

an episode of Well, There's Your Problem

1:26:02

with the wrong pronouns. Still

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they are. Joyous Ooh Woo,

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Dodgeable Tips, Lam Hunch, and

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Evelyn, a traditional Scrench, Steve

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Carryout, Emily, Queenis Wallace,

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Tirthy Chittin, Firelone, Josh Simmer,

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and Louie Shepherd, Cheer up,

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you all for supporting Kill James Boston,

1:27:00

I gotta start up in the tempo of this chat,

1:27:02

cause I am going to get in

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it. Kill James Bond

1:27:06

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1:27:09

producer is the wonderful, just a

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neat buffet, our podcast art is

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website is by Tom Allen. See

1:27:19

you next time.