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can be found at desksquad.tv. All

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And last but not least, don't forget I

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KT show free. Are

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you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

10:26

It is a goddamn pleasure you know I

10:28

take the liberty of booking every single one

10:30

of these shows and we go in a

10:32

specific order sometimes it's beauty and chaos and

10:34

this and that. Tonight's one of those nights

10:36

where it's everything under the fucking sun. I

10:38

present to you one of the funniest guests

10:40

in the history of Kiltoni.

10:42

Ladies and gentlemen a new special

10:45

coming out December 26th. Truly one

10:48

of the best guests one of my favorite

10:50

comedians in the world. Make some noise for

10:52

the great powerful Sam Talon everybody. Sam

10:56

Talon is

10:58

here. Who?

11:01

One of the best. If

11:03

he's not already he's gonna be one of

11:06

your favorite comedians on planet Earth. Learn

11:09

to love it. Sam

11:11

motherfucker Talon is back.

11:13

Hey

11:16

everybody thank you for the

11:19

bad to be here. Make some fucking noise for

11:21

Sam Talon. We're

11:23

in it tonight ladies and gentlemen. Sam's

11:25

been on a few of the best

11:27

episodes we've ever had. The last one

11:29

was with the amazing Dr.

11:31

Phil. I'm glad Adam's not here to

11:33

fuck up everything. Yeah. My

11:35

being the funniest guy ever alive. Yeah Adam Ray's

11:38

Dr. Phil is so funny we were talking

11:40

about it before today's show about how we were

11:42

just by halfway through we're just setting him

11:44

up and just watching. I forgot to talk. Yeah

11:47

we were watching a podcast. I was transfixed

11:49

it was like watching an eclipse through a

11:51

piece of green bottle glass. That was the

11:53

funniest shit I've ever seen and I wasn't

11:55

jealous. It was fun. The

12:01

new special, The

12:03

Toad's Morale, debuts

12:05

tomorrow on Matt

12:07

and Shane's Speaker Podcast YouTube channel. Make

12:09

sure you check that out. Please watch

12:12

it. Yes. And we're

12:14

going to have fun tonight. You know how

12:16

this works. I'm pleased to announce that we

12:18

actually, you guys will not believe this, but

12:20

we have a record amount of signups tonight

12:22

for Austin, Texas right, as of right now.

12:25

218 signups. Ooh, there goes

12:27

one flying. I bet 14 of them

12:29

are funny. It's

12:32

a hobo jungle back there right now. It really

12:34

is. People are

12:36

trading salt for bullets. It's insane.

12:38

Yeah. No, it's fucking

12:40

absolutely wild. A mix amongst those people

12:42

are geniuses that are just trying to survive.

12:45

Some of them wait months and sign up

12:47

every week. And a lot

12:49

of people who have held a baby's head underwater for more

12:51

than 30 seconds. Yes. That's

12:54

the majority. But if I pull one of their names out, they get

12:56

60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound

12:58

of a kitten. That means they have to wrap

13:00

it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

13:03

And then I interview them and we find

13:05

out more about them with our esteemed guest,

13:07

Sam Talent. And I'm now pre-pulling

13:09

who will be the first comedian out of the

13:11

bucket. And while we get them from a bar

13:14

next door, I think we should get the show

13:16

started with one of our regulars, everybody. I

13:18

think you know how this goes. Every single

13:20

week, this guy does a new 60 seconds

13:22

and an interview to start each episode. Coming

13:25

out all over the world, when we found him, he was

13:27

living in a van doing 10 person open

13:30

mics. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

13:32

a wild success story. His name is Hans

13:34

Kim. Thank

13:43

you. The

13:51

ceilings in Bryan Redband's club are

13:53

so high that that's where

13:55

I go to fly my drone. Um,

14:02

yeah, sorry, I had to start out like that.

14:05

Obviously you didn't like that one. Um,

14:07

I, um... I

14:15

don't think everyone who's patriotic is a

14:17

loser, but

14:19

I do think everyone who's a loser is gonna

14:22

be a little bit patriotic. Because

14:26

if you've got nothing good going on in your life, you're gonna be

14:28

like, well, at least I'm here. Here,

14:31

here, here, here. But

14:35

yes, uh, you know, it's very sad

14:37

to know that Joe Biden

14:39

is still president. Um,

14:42

I hate Joe Biden so much that I'm racist

14:44

against old people. Well,

14:47

look at this guy walking around like he's a president.

14:50

Thank you. Alright,

14:52

Hans Kim, ultra light tonight. I

14:55

like it. Hell yeah.

14:57

How we feel, Hans? Right?

15:03

Hell yeah, Sam, what'd you think about this sweet

15:06

performance by Hans Kim? I'm a big fan of

15:08

Hans offstage. Uh, he... Last

15:12

night I saw him at the, after the

15:15

Christmas party here, getting choked out by one

15:17

of the door staff, while eight

15:19

other members of the security team were throwing $1

15:21

bills. It looked

15:23

like the rape of Nanking. I

15:27

got raped yesterday, uh, by a door guy.

15:29

Yeah. Actually funny, I

15:32

totally forgot about that. You just reminded

15:34

me that I was watching Hans. How

15:37

did that start? You told the security

15:39

guard that you could beat him, and

15:41

what was it? Jujitsu or wrestling? Well,

15:43

I saw these two animals just going

15:45

at it. Oh, they were wrestling.

15:48

These two door animals.

15:51

Well, no, that's not the door guys. The door

15:53

guys are comedians here. Those were the security staff.

15:56

Those were the security... Yeah, they were ex-masad-age. Yeah,

15:58

they, uh... Literally killed them. is like

16:00

black belts and purple belts and blue

16:02

belts and then there's you like I

16:05

could do that yeah how

16:07

did that how did you jump in though well they

16:09

were just going at it you know really upping

16:12

the aggression level in the room and I was

16:14

like you know this is just so primitive and

16:16

we should we're comedians we should be higher than

16:18

this so I go into the stop

16:20

then and to break it

16:22

up yeah okay and then one of

16:25

the guys Riley was kind of lipping

16:27

up to me huh and

16:29

I was like Riley don't

16:31

make me what did

16:33

he say that was lipping up well

16:36

you know Riley you know the way that he

16:39

is he's just sort of like I literally don't

16:41

know Riley and nobody here knows Riley you're talking

16:43

about Riley like he's on like a thick okay

16:45

honestly he really didn't do anything wrong I was

16:48

looking for a fight I saw

16:50

them there that it looked like fun I

16:52

wanted to join in so I

16:54

just grabbed the body and started going

16:56

at it it

16:58

did not work out believe it or not everybody trying

17:01

to figure out what really happened and it just keeps

17:03

getting weirder what else is going on

17:05

in life Hans um

17:07

you know my girlfriend is a stupid

17:09

I found out how

17:13

stupid is

17:17

she she recently asked me if Japan was

17:19

a country and

17:22

I said yes and she's like she looked it

17:24

up she's like no it's a nation-state that's

17:27

the country dumb bitch it's

17:31

an ethno state they only let Japanese

17:33

people in where it should

17:35

be yeah that's right absolutely

17:38

do you like the fact that like

17:41

when you find out things like that do you

17:43

respect her more or less um you

17:46

know it means it's gonna be easier to

17:48

get what I want out of her so

17:51

yes I enjoy having an advantage

17:54

over the people that I love in my life what

17:58

do you want out of her your passport back I

18:02

just want my green card and I'm out

18:04

of here. No, I'm just kidding. Have you

18:06

been doing hard drugs again lately? Just marijuana.

18:08

No, I haven't been doing hard drugs. No,

18:11

I'm fine. Why do you say it? Like a

18:13

lot of people have been accusing you of doing

18:15

hard drugs. No, I'm not doing our drugs, Dad!

18:19

I have been pretty good about not doing

18:21

hard drugs. I've been doing mushrooms like once

18:23

or twice or three times a week. Anything

18:28

fun happen when you're on mushrooms? What do you like to

18:30

do? I was on an airplane. I missed

18:33

my flight. I

18:36

had to pay a lot of money. But

18:38

luckily I'm rich now. I

18:40

have a lot of money. Hans

18:43

is out of it right now. You bumped your

18:45

head before tonight set or something? You said you

18:47

were on an airplane and you missed your flight.

18:49

How good were those mushrooms? I

18:57

love the mushrooms. They're from Neutropics. Check them

18:59

out. Sorry to bring you

19:01

into this. Are you plugging things? Alright, we're going to

19:03

get rid of them. There he goes. Hans Kim, everybody.

19:06

Having a panic attack during the interview portion

19:08

of the show tonight. A rare treat. I've

19:10

never seen him leave so fast in his

19:13

entire career on this show. I think Riley

19:15

choked him a little too long last night.

19:18

Yeah. That was almost impressive. That

19:20

was the best I've ever seen

19:22

him do. I

19:24

don't know what just happened exactly. But

19:27

now we go to the bucket. So it's going to

19:29

be interesting. We have to build momentum out of a

19:31

bucket pool here. Let's see what happens. Anything can happen.

19:33

Blah, blah, blah. You get it. Anybody

19:36

can sign up. Let's see what happens. Tony

19:39

Cruz, everybody. 30 seconds

19:41

uninterrupted from Tony Cruz. How's

19:48

everybody doing? Sometimes

19:51

when I masturbate, I stick a skittle up my

19:53

ass so I can feel the rainbow. I

20:01

know I look like a Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley

20:03

Cyrus had a baby. Yeah

20:06

guys, I'm a Southern Targaryen. I

20:11

got a blowjob from a retard. I

20:14

call that Radiohead. She

20:21

said, just so good I fell asleep afterwards. It

20:24

was some real ZZ Top. You

20:30

ever wonder who Joe Biden's favorite band

20:33

is? It's probably the Who. Who?

20:39

You guys

20:41

like Pokemon? Yeah,

20:44

I was eating some pussy or not. The pussy squirt in

20:46

my face reminded me of that Pokemon character Squirtle. You

20:49

know Squirtle just squirting all over the place. I

20:52

got a baby if you keep on you're going to make me

20:54

charge hard and I'm going to blast moisture. Pikachu.

20:57

That's when I pulled out the old Bulbasaur, pinned

20:59

her ankles behind her head and started giving her

21:01

the Slowpoke. Slowpoke.

21:09

Wow. There

21:11

he is, Tony Cruz everybody. Unbelievable

21:15

because he's got the look,

21:18

the cadence, the delivery and

21:21

he's got nothing behind it. You

21:24

should be so much more funnier than

21:26

you are. Usually the

21:28

material has to catch up to the stage

21:31

presence, but not tonight. Absolutely. When

21:33

it does, it is fucking rock stardom

21:35

for you sir. Thank you

21:37

sir. Listen to you, you're so cool. I'm

21:40

a huge fan dude. I'm actually a huge fan

21:42

of you. I'm giving you a pretty big compliment

21:44

here. I think you've got it all figured out

21:47

except for material. Yeah. It's

21:49

actually quite a bit. It's like a lot of the

21:51

battle. You didn't like the

21:53

radio hit? I mean I got the baby and the-

21:55

I literally didn't get it. I wanted to get it.

21:57

Radio was like a retarded black guy who was the-

22:00

The water boy and it's the movie and the band,

22:02

you know, we did not know that we understood it

22:04

was the band. Thank you, Tony Yes that

22:06

that came through the punchline is what didn't

22:08

translate. Yes. It was the radio part Why

22:11

would the radio be retarded because that the

22:13

gentleman in the movie had what movie radio?

22:22

My being pranked or something

22:25

radio you fucking idiot Right

22:28

in 2002 2002 movie and you guys are losing your minds

22:30

over it right now I've

22:35

never fucking heard of it. He was good. He

22:37

junior Sport

22:39

comedy was fucking it

22:42

was not a comedy. No, that was

22:44

a very serious bio. It was a

22:46

true story I Think

22:52

it doesn't hold up so it's funny now. Yeah,

22:54

yeah, it was mentally disabled so they know what

22:56

it is They was about the only black guy

22:58

to not make a football team. That's what it

23:00

was about Really? Yeah, Cuba

23:02

Gooding jr. Was the retarded guy? Yeah.

23:04

Yeah Okay, lady. Shut

23:07

the fuck up We

23:09

found radios biggest pan over here.

23:11

He speaks in a very condescending

23:13

tone Yeah

23:18

I liked a lot when he got to like

23:20

45 seconds and he was like

23:22

looked at us like oh god I have to

23:24

do another joke and then he went into the

23:26

Pokemon material Man

23:29

I love Pokemon dude, I grew up playing this

23:31

shit. I'm The rest

23:34

I got more to that joke. I'm

23:36

just saying the references. There's more. Oh

23:38

my god Do you do

23:40

all a hundred and fifty one? I Getting

23:45

there. Yeah, no, we're getting there. I'm still tagging

23:47

though. I thought

23:49

she was a jinx, but she was a mr. Mine You're

23:53

not gonna believe this radio fans,

23:55

but I know nothing about Pokemon

23:57

as well I mean, I'm really

23:59

out of the loop during this

24:01

and I have no reference as

24:03

I can make right now. Love

24:05

you too man. Oh yeah. So

24:08

tell us about you. How long have you been doing

24:10

stand-up? I've been doing it. It just came over a

24:12

year. Okay. All of it here in

24:14

Austin? Oh man, I start in Dallas. I'm

24:17

from a small town called Sulphur Springs. So

24:20

it's northeast Texas. If y'all know where that's at.

24:22

You appear as though you were raised around a

24:24

lot of sulphur. So that makes sense. I

24:27

get the vibe. Yeah, you smell like the

24:29

night before Easter. It's

24:33

a small town. It's a good town. But

24:37

yeah, a little known fact about my town. Like

24:39

there's like the fact is a little known fact

24:41

about your town. You're going to love this Tony.

24:43

They have. I'm literally finding out about Sulphur Springs.

24:46

They didn't say anything. I would be. Oh, you're

24:48

going to love this. They have glass bathrooms in

24:50

their downtown and it's mirrored on the outside, but

24:52

you can see everything around you. So then

24:56

there's also like a place where kids splash

24:58

around. So during the daytime, if you're a

25:00

pervert, you can. Anyways, it's

25:03

yeah, if you've heard a pervert, I like that

25:05

disclaimer you put on there. That's kind of what

25:07

we think is there for, you know, that I'm

25:10

just anyway, I hope I don't get killed saying

25:12

this. Did you say that was a fun fact?

25:18

The old glass bathrooms. Not a lot of people

25:20

know we got glass bathrooms down. So basically I'm

25:22

looking at women around the eyes while taking a

25:24

monster shit. Do you know what I'm saying? Cause

25:27

I'm using the public downtown bathrooms for sure. I

25:29

do love my hometown. It's a good, it's a

25:31

cool place, man. What else is cool about

25:33

it? How many black people live there? I

25:35

bet he knows exactly the amount. Sulphur

25:38

Springs doesn't sound like a very welcoming place.

25:40

It is, it is segregated. Like it's one

25:43

of the, it's still got a MLK

25:45

still has a black side and

25:47

then, you know, yeah. What

25:50

was that last part? Can I be there? And then

25:53

there's Mexicans. Oh, the

25:57

old Caesar Chavez street. I

26:01

like how each neighborhood makes it

26:03

quite clear what you can expect.

26:08

And then you got your good old George Washington

26:10

moolivars, you know what I'm saying, variable? Where I

26:12

like to be. Anyway-

26:16

Don't forget about the Jew corridor. That's

26:20

really popping off this time of year. I've

26:23

had Mark Coleman on my podcast. I have a

26:25

podcast too. But okay. What? What

26:28

name did you just drop? Mark Coleman? Mark

26:31

the Hammer Coleman? Yeah. Okay.

26:33

Oh. Real segue into

26:35

your podcast there. Very smooth transition. Almost

26:38

completely unnoticeable. Seems like you had no intention of trying

26:40

to do that in your- if you got pulled out

26:42

of the bucket here. I'm glad

26:44

you took your hat off during your set so we know the

26:46

hair's not attached to it. What

26:49

do you do for a living looking and talking like

26:51

you do? Toad taster. This

26:55

man can lick a toad and tell you exactly how old- I do.

26:58

I do have a foot fetish. Yeah. I

27:00

do have a foot fetish. I've been married for- me and my

27:03

wife have been together for 11 years. We've been married

27:05

four years. But yeah, when

27:07

you've been together that long you have to get into

27:10

feet and stuff so. Yeah.

27:12

God, does she feel tight? Yeah.

27:15

Didn't I ask you what you did for a living? Oh, I'm

27:17

sorry. Well, you- He started

27:19

talking about foot fetish and I'm sorry.

27:21

I'm sorry. Sorry. I started

27:23

thinking about feet. Sorry. Go

27:26

ahead. My goodness. You know money? What

27:29

do you do for a job? How do you get it? Oh, yeah. I've

27:32

had- man, I had a good job during COVID. I was

27:34

essential so I made a lot of money during that period.

27:37

So I've been living off the savings and just-

27:39

You were a what? Essential and essential employee. So

27:41

yeah. Of what? What were

27:43

you doing? Manufacturing. Yes, sir. I

27:45

don't believe anything you're saying. What were you- Crystal

27:48

math? No, I think he was making the virus.

27:53

I got paid a lot of money, you

27:55

know. Yeah. I kept Silver

27:57

Springs running, brother. Yeah. crank

28:00

powered our goddamn city. How

28:04

are we gonna keep the black people from going to the

28:06

good target unless we're all gacked out? What

28:11

type of situation were you raised in? Is it like a trailer? Is

28:13

it like a lot of

28:15

farmland trailer? Yes sir, yes sir. And were your parents

28:17

together when you were a kid? Yeah,

28:20

they were together and then my mom passed

28:22

right before COVID, so she didn't have to

28:24

experience that bullshit. But yeah man, it

28:26

was great man. I'd

28:29

rather be dancing after wear a fucking mask.

28:33

Fuck that. I'm glad my mother

28:35

did not have to look people in the eye. That's

28:38

why I moved to

28:40

the city after COVID

28:42

because man, in my

28:45

small town, we didn't

28:47

give a fuck. And

28:49

nothing changed. Nothing at all. Nothing. Nothing.

28:53

Did people talk about how nothing had changed there a lot? No,

28:56

everybody was kind of, I mean everybody else, we saw

28:58

everybody else changing and we're like, why

29:00

they want to do that for you know? So you were

29:02

raised in the trailer, let me ask you this before I

29:04

let you go because this is a long interview. What's three

29:06

plus two? Fuck. Why

29:09

you gonna put me on the spot

29:11

like that man? Sorry dude. Fuck

29:13

that dude. I want to know Tony Cruz,

29:15

if that really is your name because you don't

29:17

seem like a Tony nor a Cruz. But

29:21

I want to know what

29:23

is in your life raised in a trailer, sulfur

29:26

springs, segregated, what's the white trashiest thing

29:28

you've ever done or been part of?

29:30

Like in your life, if there's one

29:32

thing that you remember like doing or

29:35

being part of out there in sulfur

29:37

springs or perhaps any time

29:39

after that. I'm half Mexican. That

29:43

was earlier, then there was another question. The question

29:45

was. I mean that's anyways.

29:49

What do you think the trashiest thing you ever did? I can't

29:51

like. Brown trash, forget white trash. What I'm trying to say is

29:53

like being half Mexican is great man, it's cool. Have

29:58

you ever answered a question before? Yeah,

30:01

you know what I'm gonna go back to three plus two.

30:03

I want to see if you have that I

30:07

was trying to I was hoping be saying have Mexico

30:09

and make them laugh, you know talking shit about Mexico

30:11

But why would that make them laugh? No My

30:14

bad jokes, I guess I don't let me

30:16

very likable Tony. Yeah, let me rephrase the

30:18

question you answered on Hey, what's the trailer

30:21

trashy a thing about your childhood or your

30:23

upbringing? And then you

30:25

get to go after this just answer honestly I

30:27

used to when I was young me and my

30:29

friends would break out of the trailer house and

30:32

then we'd three o'clock in The morning we would

30:34

go down neighborhoods and rock get on see if

30:36

anybody left their doors unlocked Yeah, and then we

30:38

would grab their guns and their rent money and

30:41

all that shit and then take it with us

30:44

You answered that one perfectly. There

30:46

we go There

30:48

we go Very good. People

30:50

are amazed at your ability to answer an

30:52

honest question. That was also alleged

30:56

No, but yeah, that's what we I mean

30:58

it dude I grew up poor, you know, you

31:00

would rob the other trailers You're like a

31:02

no. No, no, we would go to the

31:04

nice neighborhood. Okay, they normally don't Leave

31:07

their shit unlocked. So we would just yeah,

31:09

you can't do that now. There's a ring

31:11

cameras. Yeah, you can't do that Now right

31:13

white trash, you know burglary. Yeah Yeah,

31:16

that's actually pretty open-minded of you, right? Well,

31:20

Tony congratulations fun stuff. Here's a little

31:22

joke book my friend Make

31:25

some noise for Tony Cruz. I live in Is

31:27

that an offer a little joke book? Did

31:29

I hear an author for someone with emotions

31:32

that like this pressing them? Oh Yeah,

31:39

let's keep it moving you guys having fun yet All

31:43

right. I have good news for you guys This

31:45

next bucket poll has an eye in parentheses next

31:47

to it, which means they are inside of the

31:49

room They are one of you. So that's usually

31:52

like a first-timer or something like that Make

31:55

some noise for your next bucket

31:57

poll Ashley set everybody Ashley!

32:02

Here she comes, right from the

32:04

middle of the room. Ashley! Taking

32:08

a very long time. You're going the

32:10

absolute wrong direction. There you go. Don't

32:14

throw her while she's walking through

32:16

the crowd. Literally almost walked into

32:18

a wall and backwards. She went

32:20

away from the stage and that

32:22

way. Literally couldn't go a worse

32:24

direction. You pick. If you

32:26

press. Thank

32:29

you. Fuck

32:32

yeah. How many people do good on this show?

32:37

How many do like it when people do bad on this show?

32:40

Whoa. 60

32:43

seconds uninterrupted for Ashley Sucker,

32:46

everybody. Holy

32:51

shit, y'all. It has been a

32:53

week. My

32:56

sister got her PhD earlier this

32:58

week. And I'm

33:00

on Kiltoni. So I

33:03

think that we can all imagine, you know, who my

33:05

mom is probably the most proud of. So,

33:11

you know, going on with disappointing the parents'

33:13

stories. Let me tell you some embarrassing shit

33:15

that's happened to me in my life. Let's go. Cross

33:19

country runners. I hope there's a couple of y'all out there.

33:21

Hope you guys are good. All right. We

33:24

got one. I'm assuming everybody

33:26

else did beer runs. I

33:28

feel that. All right. I

33:30

ran cross country in high school. That was

33:32

a hot minute ago. I

33:35

was fucking awful. I

33:38

was so bad. They

33:40

made me run varsity one time. And

33:44

the only time. And,

33:47

you know, I'm running and

33:50

they have a golf cart behind you. And

33:52

it is just tailgating my fucking ankles, man.

33:55

And I'm like, oh my

33:57

God, this shit is real. I am.

34:00

person.

34:06

Okay, Ashley, satah. Holy shit.

34:08

You went for it. No

34:10

preparation whatsoever. That minute went

34:12

so fast. You made

34:15

D cover his ears. He

34:17

only has four senses. I

34:20

didn't even hear me out. You know what I

34:22

mean? God damn. Right.

34:25

God damn. Okay. Where are

34:27

you from? Sulfur Springs? I'm

34:31

from Austin, Texas. Whoa. Everybody's pissed that

34:33

you're from Austin. I'm like, God

34:36

damn it. Wow.

34:38

Representing Austin, Texas. I'm guessing

34:40

this is your first time

34:42

attempting standup comedy. Yeah.

34:44

Good. That's a good answer.

34:46

How do you think it went? Probably not

34:49

that great, but that's all good. Yeah.

34:55

Ashley, what made you want to try this tonight?

34:57

Basically, why not?

35:01

I highly doubt it.

35:03

I highly doubt it. I would be chosen. I have

35:05

some answers for you on the why not. See, I

35:07

very rarely that

35:12

I get asked a question on this show and I'm proud to

35:15

answer the why not. The why not

35:18

would be that people that have prepared

35:20

or wanted to do this for years

35:22

or perhaps even months sign

35:24

up for the show and then you come

35:26

up here like if John Benet survived her

35:28

murder trying to put on a pageant type

35:31

of let me tell you some embarrassing

35:33

stories about me. This

35:35

is like a bad pageant. It's like a it's like

35:38

a it's like one of

35:40

those like a like a Purina

35:42

dog pageants or whatever. Like a

35:45

like one. I was like, oh, look at this

35:47

one. This one is a stand up comedian dog.

35:49

Everybody. I love there's a microphone

35:51

in front of her. I've heard a lot of comics

35:53

try and like ask the crowd a

35:55

question to start a bit. I don't know if

35:58

there's a more alien in question. If you ask a

36:00

comedy crowd, then who does cross country? Read

36:05

the room, Ash, come on! These

36:07

people barely have feet, they got the sugar syndrome.

36:11

You're up here bragging in your cool sweater, come

36:13

on, Ash. Oh, you

36:15

like that sweater? Oh, yeah. Oh,

36:18

thank you. Oh, my God. Game respects

36:20

game. This

36:23

is so

36:25

us. Girl,

36:29

stop. So

36:33

cross country is, I missed it

36:35

because I was bored out of my mind. Cross

36:38

country, you said that you do that? Oh,

36:41

hell no. I actually would not even

36:43

run at this point if it was to run from

36:45

a mother. You seem more of like a shot put kind of girl, right?

36:48

You have to... What? Why is

36:50

that a groany thing? Why are

36:52

you groaning at that? Brock

36:54

Lesnar's daughter, everybody. Those

36:58

genetics are strong. I'd

37:03

actually grown more

37:05

into the sport of watching football and

37:07

drinking beer while I do it. But,

37:09

yeah, back in the day, I was

37:11

off-level, kind of, not really. I think the

37:13

only thing you've ever run away from is an abusive relationship.

37:15

No, you stayed. Oh, no, I

37:17

don't. That's great. I

37:20

am the abuser, so... Oh, God.

37:22

Yeah, yeah, buddy, let's go. I'm just kidding.

37:24

All right, girl. What do you do to

37:26

them? Your stand-up act? Basically. Ear beatings. I'd

37:29

lock the door from the outside. You

37:32

must listen to some embarrassing things about me. She

37:35

should have to do her act in that glass toilet in sulfur

37:37

spray. As

37:42

long as I'm not the one who's going to be there, I'm going

37:44

to be there.

37:46

As long as I'm not the one

37:48

outside of that window, I'm fine with it. I'd

37:51

rather be in that I don't want to be

37:53

the one being booked out. Thank

37:55

you. Okay. So, what do you

37:57

think? She couldn't rip in here. Yeah, I know.

38:00

What do you think the funniest thing you've ever

38:02

done is? Has anyone ever told you, like, Ashley,

38:04

you're so funny. Like that? Is

38:08

it been like a time, or is this just

38:10

you're just really just shooting for it? This is

38:12

like the half court shot at a professional game.

38:14

Like, we're going to let this person shoot, and

38:16

if they do anything at all, we'll all be

38:18

surprised. I

38:21

mean, I think the funniest thing I've ever done

38:23

is be right here with you guys. Wow.

38:26

It's funny. Like, you talk. You talk.

38:28

You sound like a hot chick, and

38:30

I'm watching. The words,

38:33

you guys kind of hear, like, the fucking

38:35

greatest thing I've ever done, and I'm just

38:37

like, it's not matching the fucking. I'm

38:41

just kidding. You're great. It's OK. There's

38:43

a groany audience tonight. Let me tell you

38:45

something. I'm blaming the awkwardness

38:47

of this interview on y'all. Here's

38:50

a little joke book, Ashley. Whoa,

38:54

good catch. What the fuck?

38:58

She's built like a catcher. Actually, everybody, good

39:00

work, Ashley. Good work. Catcher

39:03

shot put short in air. We

39:05

should talk about that more, though. Like, don't sign

39:07

up if you don't want to be a comedian.

39:09

Don't waste people's time, because it's not funny for

39:11

any of us. I think it goes with that

39:13

thing. But yeah, definitely don't sign up if you're

39:15

ripped-hearted. All right. Pulled

39:18

another game out of the bucket. Make some

39:20

noise for Trey Campbell or Cam Burt for

39:22

something like that. Trey is

39:24

next. I'm so sorry. Oh,

39:27

shit. Oh, shit. I think

39:29

those are Trey, everybody. Hey,

39:33

everybody. I'm Trey Campbell. I'm on the autism

39:35

spectrum. I'm the same as everyone else. I

39:37

just got more vaccines. Thank

39:42

you. It's so crazy. A lot of

39:44

older women come up to me. They're like, oh, my

39:46

god, it's so cool. You're on the autism spectrum. So

39:48

is my son. I'm like, does that mean we're not

39:50

fucking? Who

39:53

wants to fuck their kids? Am I right? Any

39:57

Lizzo fans in here? Yeah.

40:00

It's crazy, there's allegations going around

40:02

that she made her backup dances

40:04

eat fruit out of a

40:06

sex worker's vagina. And I think

40:08

those allegations are unfounded because we

40:11

all know Lizzo doesn't know

40:13

anything about fruit, am I right? Lizzo

40:17

is my dream threesome, so...

40:21

There's two of Lizzo.

40:24

I'm so excited to be here. As

40:26

a kid, I would always carry around a wire coat hanger

40:29

and they would be like, Trey, why do you have a

40:31

wire coat hanger? And I'd always say, I've had this since

40:33

I was in the womb, y'all. Holy

40:38

shit, look at that. I mean, where

40:40

do we begin? Trey Campbell. How you

40:43

doing, Tony? Wow, I've been

40:45

looking for a new William Montgomery and

40:47

I think we found him, ladies and

40:49

gentlemen. Well, I'm drunk enough, so... No,

40:52

William's still drinking. William's sober now, you're

40:54

adorable, huh? Do you only come around

40:56

during the Christmas time? Looks

40:59

like Santa. I'm the elf on the shelf. That's

41:02

a fucking sturdy shelf, bro. That's

41:08

a steel shelf. It's

41:10

dope, you know? We look like we showed up for the

41:12

same casting couch. I know. Let's

41:15

hope we're not on the casting couch. No, no.

41:18

Oh my goodness. How you

41:20

doing, Tony? Good. It's

41:22

good to see you again. Were you on in Hawaii?

41:24

No, I was on a Vulcan, yeah. You

41:27

invited me. What? You invited

41:29

me. I invited you? Yeah, you said

41:31

me and William would do our thing. I saw you on

41:33

the street. Yeah. And I told you to come do a thing

41:35

with William and then you did. I did, correct. What

41:38

was he doing on the street biting the heads up

41:40

of chicken? What

41:42

were you doing on that? I don't remember, exactly. Probably

41:45

trying to find Adderall. You're

41:47

an Adderall addict, huh? Correct. Not

41:50

working. That is so interesting. What

41:55

do you like to do after having Adderall? You

41:57

know, I like to watch old NBA highlights.

42:00

I like to watch the Chicago Bulls take

42:02

on the Atlanta Hawks This is the second

42:04

person in a row that does not sound

42:06

like what they look like Is anybody with

42:08

me on this? Runway gave

42:10

me acid a few days ago either I'm

42:12

having fucking flashbacks to that

42:14

Or these people do not Why do

42:16

you sound like that? I

42:19

think it's because of a lack of

42:21

testosterone She's

42:27

nodding You

42:29

know what a sexy woman with gangs nodding

42:32

at that joke Look

42:34

at you, you're adorable Thank you

42:37

Tony How old are you? I'm 28 Whoa

42:41

I know, it's crazy Why

42:43

do you think... That's a tough 28 What

42:47

has happened to you? Why do you think you age

42:49

so much? You think I

42:51

age? Thank you I've been trying

42:53

to look older so Well, there you

42:55

go It's like you absorb the voice of the kids you molest

43:00

I was the one getting molested

43:02

Alright, that's an upbeat note That's

43:04

funny though Yeah Oh

43:06

my goodness I

43:09

mean That must have been a horny pedophile You

43:13

know, you take what you can get You're telling

43:15

me It's like I'll settle for this I'll settle

43:18

for this 13 year old that looks 50 I'm

43:22

so glad you think I look old I've always been told

43:24

I look young By who? D? Because

43:28

he's blind That's funny Thank

43:31

you, Tri You're welcome It

43:34

is incredible I mean, you are a spitting image

43:39

28 years old and he looks like the

43:41

mayor of Munchkinland It is incredible Well, you

43:43

know, it's been annexed So I can't... That

43:47

didn't work I shouldn't have told that Okay What

43:50

do you do for work? What arcade games

43:53

do you collect the quarters out of,

43:55

exactly? He's talked about It's funny I

43:57

work at the secret group, so Houston.

44:00

Oh yeah, we love that place. Old-school

44:03

fucking territory. And you live

44:05

in Houston? Correct. Right. And

44:09

are you gay? No. You

44:11

sound like that? Yeah, you

44:13

know how it is. I

44:15

do know exactly how it

44:17

is. I literally know how

44:20

that is. Yeah. Everyone

44:23

knows that I know what that

44:25

is like. But I

44:27

still have to ask. So what's your, have

44:30

you been getting laid by girls at all? I

44:32

got this one woman. She's a,

44:34

we went on a date to

44:37

Davida dialysis. We just... You

44:40

guys got dialysis together? Yeah, she had

44:42

dialysis. Not me. I'm gonna get dialysis

44:44

in the future if you look at

44:46

me. But no, we went

44:48

to Davida and then we went to... You

44:51

say Davida, like it's a fine Italian steakhouse. We

44:53

went to Davida. The other, the

44:56

restaurant, no, the dialysis clinic. It was crazy.

44:58

Yeah, I had a great time. Tell us

45:00

why you had a great time. What was

45:02

so crazy about it? She just kind of

45:04

told me about her dead parents the whole

45:06

time. We just kind of chilled. She's

45:08

a romantic. Yeah.

45:11

I took some concerta before I

45:13

went. It was great. I had a...

45:15

What? It's basically like Adderall, but it's

45:17

different. What's the difference between that and

45:20

Adderall? Health insurance. Yeah. Now

45:23

you hit the nail on the head. It

45:25

is health insurance. Nice yes and train. That

45:27

was good. Yes. I feel like

45:29

your sexuality is trains. That

45:32

is funny. I do love

45:34

trains. You do? No shit

45:36

brother. When

45:39

I was a kid and I discovered porn, I saw

45:42

there was a train category and I was like, Thomas

45:45

the Tank Engine fucking another female

45:47

train, but it wasn't. It

45:50

was a boy train? Nah, I think so.

45:52

Oh wow.

45:55

Thomas the Train Engine fucking a female train. I've

45:58

never heard of a female train before. I

46:00

don't think there are any. Right. Actually,

46:02

I think there was one on stage right before you.

46:06

Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut

46:08

up. Ugh, mama. Oh,

46:11

we came to kill Tony the Grown. Ahh. Don't

46:15

make fun of women, but keep calling this kid retarded.

46:17

It's fine. Who cares?

46:23

It is. It is incredible, this

46:25

look. It looks like you're

46:27

down to clown and clown to downs

46:29

at the same time. I

46:32

am a recovering juggalo, so... What

46:34

does that mean to you? I used to be a

46:37

juggalo, but now I've kind of left that life

46:39

behind. Right. Too much Faygo for you.

46:41

Yeah. As you can tell. You

46:44

have a race car on your shirt and a Chevy

46:46

hat. What car do you drive? I drive a

46:48

Chevy Cruze. It's also a house. Wow. Hell

46:53

yeah. And your name's... Oh,

46:56

that was Tony Cruz. You're Trey Campbell. Correct. I

46:59

was going to make a Cruz Cruz connection there,

47:01

but there was none. You look like a Japanese

47:03

animator drew in America. I

47:08

would do like a Japanese accent, but I don't know if

47:10

that's the... Let's hear it. Oh.

47:12

No, no. Okay. Not

47:16

this crowd. Okay. Wait.

47:19

Do some more. I want to hear some more. Are

47:21

you sure, Tony? Yeah. All

47:24

right. I

47:26

brought dishonor to my... This

47:29

is stupid. Wow. Wow. I should

47:31

not have done this. Has anyone ever told you that

47:33

you look like a wizard, but like a cheese wizard?

47:37

Nah, this would be the first time. Okay.

47:40

I can't tell if you're real. I

47:43

am. I

47:45

can't either. Oh,

47:47

shit. How long are

47:49

you visiting Austin for? Probably...

47:52

I can come back anytime.

47:54

There you go. I would love

47:56

to have you back on the secret show whenever you can. Thank

47:58

you, Ed. Oh. Oh. Trey

48:06

Campbell, everybody. Trey,

48:08

we're having fun here. Adorable.

48:12

All right, your next bucket pool goes

48:14

by the name of Jonathan Candy, everybody.

48:17

Jonathan Candy, perhaps, or

48:20

Candley. Jonathan. Here's

48:22

Jonathan, everybody. Hello.

48:30

Hello, everybody. Sorry,

48:33

I'm a little nervous. Oh,

48:36

sorry, y'all. I was like around

48:38

12. I was trying to look up some

48:40

stuff on the internet. You're not supposed to. But

48:45

I was trying to look up something more relatable to me. So,

48:48

like in the description, it says like, you know, 18-year-old,

48:50

19-year-old. But I'm like 12,

48:53

so I try to type

48:55

in 12-year-old girl. Nothing

48:59

came up, so I tried 13-year-old. Nothing

49:02

came up still. My

49:04

final offer, I tried 11-year-old. Nothing

49:08

came up. So

49:10

I had to settle for adult tits. But

49:13

looking back, that's actually a good thing that I wasn't

49:15

there. And I didn't

49:19

know, but I had to go to the dark web for that. But

49:22

I didn't know at that time. But

49:24

anyway. Did

49:27

anybody see in the news recently, like a few...

49:31

I was 12, I was 12. I

49:39

guess we'll do the meow. Okay,

49:43

there you go. Rolling with the

49:45

meow. Is it Jonathan Candy? Kando,

49:47

Kando. Can do? Kando,

49:50

Kando. Jonathan Kando. Well, you can't

49:52

do comedy. Sorry.

49:56

Adorable. How long have you been trying

49:58

stand-up for? This is

50:00

my like first like real set

50:02

right right okay Okay

50:08

The premise is good. Yeah, everything

50:10

else was bad. See it was a reverse from

50:13

Tony Cruz what else is in the news

50:15

you know? What

50:18

I'm wondering too man, I

50:20

can tell you real quick. I got it. No, please don't

50:23

You got what the joke? What

50:25

is it go ahead? I Like

50:28

a few months ago. There was a a woman

50:30

in the news I was she was arrested

50:32

for trying to hire a hitman for her

50:34

son. Yeah, but uh There

50:37

was two problems with that. She's like she

50:39

went to rent a hitman comm also

50:41

the second problem the real problem The Sun

50:44

was only three years old so

50:48

The madness is leaving the show for

50:50

guys. It's incredible No

50:55

What my my

50:58

why didn't she just leave the hot the Sun

51:00

in the hot car like an adult Okay

51:04

So you're more like a shock and awe. What

51:06

do you do for work? I'm

51:08

a truck driver. No, you're not You're

51:13

a truck driver a timid young truck

51:15

driver How old are you?

51:18

29. Okay, man a lot of uh

51:22

All right, I'm glad we let him finish that

51:24

Joker I

51:28

Was it she should if you don't we

51:31

yeah, we Should

51:33

left it she would have got away with it. Yeah, she

51:35

definitely would have got away with it. Yes I've

51:39

heard a lot of like pedophile jokes and

51:41

usually they're funny It's really hard to Bip

51:43

a pedophile joke. It really is it really

51:45

I feel like I was molested after that

51:49

So Jonathan, let's talk about your real life. What

51:51

are you passionate about? I haven't seen you smile

51:53

yet You seem like a security Diapers

51:57

full of piss and shit right now That's

52:00

okay. Two

52:02

racing shirts in a row, by the way.

52:04

Very bizarre. I don't know what's going on

52:06

here, exactly. No

52:09

shit, asshole. It's

52:12

not fun when you say it. Oh,

52:14

wait a second. Wait a second.

52:16

Ladies and gentlemen, I recognize that voice.

52:19

No way. Is that who

52:21

I think it is? Wait

52:23

a second. What the heck?

52:25

Ladies and gentlemen, my big

52:27

brother, one of the greatest

52:30

comedians on planet Earth. I

52:32

do believe that is R.E. severe and

52:34

Mark Norman. It is here to

52:36

the bone. We are

52:39

under an invasion. Of course. Home,

52:43

sweet home. Hey,

52:46

what's up? As the typical Israeli

52:48

just going over other people's property.

52:54

The Palestinians being pushed out of the

52:56

way. It's R.E. severe

52:58

and Mark Norman. Fuck

53:08

yeah. It wasn't easy.

53:10

I had to sneak him out of a Hamas bunker.

53:14

We got him here. This is in

53:16

honor of the 25,000 Palestinians who

53:18

were killed in Lebanon. Fuck

53:20

yeah. Harvard hates this guy. Genocide,

53:24

it's okay. You interrupted this

53:26

kids panic attack. Oh

53:28

shit. Oh

53:30

hell yeah. Oh yeah, this is fuck off.

53:33

Hell yeah. There we

53:35

go. Oh yeah. Oh

53:38

no, no, no, no. I'm

53:40

gonna throw you my feet under the

53:43

mirror. Oh yeah. Oh

53:46

yeah. Merry

53:52

Christmas, who are you?

53:55

We just got demonetized. Oh,

53:59

we got a. for that Oh

54:12

yeah, circumcised Who knew

54:14

he was circumcised? His

54:18

serial number was on his dick Hahahaha

54:29

Is that a defined penis set? Or you

54:31

have a yarmulke at the tip of your

54:33

penis? That thing was incredible That's

54:36

enormous You look terrible

54:41

Oh, sorry Here

54:43

you go, Ari Hey

54:45

Tony, who's this faggot with the

54:47

dream? It's

54:50

true man, you missed a real

54:52

flat line This is his first

54:54

time ever doing Being

54:57

in front of a real audience I don't know You

54:59

don't know? Do you have any idea? I

55:01

did decent Bad when Ari's genitalia

55:03

gets a bit of reaction Yeah Have

55:07

you ever seen an old guy's dick before?

55:10

I didn't look, I didn't What?

55:14

What? Hahahaha

55:21

This is Killpony She's

55:26

underwear.com She's underwear.com She's

55:30

underwear the absolute best We all wear them

55:32

100% Great underwear You

55:35

throw a coat of chubby

55:37

Hahahaha Woah She's

55:41

underwear She bet D-madness missed

55:43

that You

55:45

could have heard that dick Oh hey, is

55:48

that the blind guy? Oh, we lost our

55:51

second blind guy There he goes We're

55:54

losing all the blinds out here That's what we

55:56

call him now I

56:01

love it. This guy's first time on stage.

56:03

What do you have any advice? Did you

56:05

see the absolute shit show before you got

56:07

out here? He was the only tiny dick

56:09

on stage Yeah,

56:12

true. How tall are you? Five

56:14

six five seven on a good day. Oh Good

56:17

good. Why do you think Hamas rapes

56:20

were qualified? To

56:23

the leaders are pussies. Okay.

56:25

Wait, what did you just say? Did

56:29

I they can't man, okay. I heard the

56:31

n-word there and I'm glad I you heard

56:33

what you wanted to hear Think

56:38

I did. All right, so We

56:46

missed the committee how'd it go very bad buddy,

56:48

but I did it was his first time. What's

56:50

your name, buddy? That's great. First time's awesome

56:52

Jonathan. Johnny big fan of

56:54

y'all appreciate y'all's time. Thank you

56:58

I loved you in the Lego movie Thank

57:02

you, you're welcome Jonathan

57:07

craziest thing about your life Did you ever have

57:09

any childhood trauma or save anybody's life you have

57:12

any special skills or talents? You've seen the show

57:14

before correct. You're in the interview portion of it

57:16

right now What would you say if you could

57:18

talk to yourself after this? You ever play an

57:20

arcade game? It turns you big. I Love

57:24

Mario. Yeah, that's my first system. I need 64. No, um My

57:29

best my best like my best thing about me.

57:31

I think I can get songs stuck in people's

57:33

head Okay. All right.

57:35

All right Jokes

57:38

are forgettable, but let's try it Do

57:42

it get it get a song stuck

57:44

in our head. Okay, my

57:46

life's a stereo. Oh No,

57:50

is this from the movie radio? Get

57:57

out of here there he goes Jonathan can't There

58:00

he goes Jonathan

58:04

Jonathan All

58:06

right before we get to this next bucket pool.

58:09

We have a golden ticket winner who's ready to

58:11

debut another minute Hey

58:31

Nick what's up? Cool, okay

58:33

Just found

58:36

a joke Stop

58:38

laughing It's

58:42

cold outside, I like the cold

58:44

weather Because I

58:46

like wearing my buns fur

58:48

jacket I also enjoy wearing

58:50

a fur jacket because I pimp

58:53

on the side So

58:56

I signed on until it's 15 season

59:00

But right now for

59:02

my birthday my mom got me a card

59:05

And she wrote happy birthday in quotation

59:07

marks So I was like is

59:10

it my birthday sir? So

59:13

when I wrote her back I wrote I

59:15

love you See

59:18

you soon I

59:22

don't drink too much But

59:24

I hang out at bars and whenever

59:27

I leave There's always a

59:29

guy like hey you could drive

59:33

And I'm like I

59:35

don't know We'll find out And

59:40

then I get in my car

59:42

and I rub them over Well

59:47

I lost a guy Wow

59:50

golden ticket defender

59:54

Martin Villa doing it again

59:56

in an extremely strong minute

1:00:00

Unbelievable performance. I've been

1:00:02

backstage at the penis,

1:00:04

I guess. Oh yeah. I

1:00:08

was like, uh... Absolutely. You

1:00:10

did miss something else that leans hard to the

1:00:12

right like you. Mine's

1:00:16

the left. Mine's the left. I think

1:00:18

yours squiggles all around if I had

1:00:20

to get it. Yeah, but I

1:00:22

have all the cops right here. He's got that

1:00:24

fucking... he's got that Michael J. Cox. You know

1:00:26

what I'm saying? I think it's fucking cool. Hell

1:00:31

yeah, dude. I do... noticed in your set,

1:00:33

I do believe you have the word pimping

1:00:35

confused with limping. It's limping

1:00:37

season for you. No, pimp's

1:00:40

limp too, we get that. Absolutely. You

1:00:42

have a natural pimp walk. Yeah, yeah.

1:00:44

Speaking of pimps, deep madness is back.

1:00:47

Say pimp three times. Pimp juice comes out

1:00:49

of here. Do you have CP? Actually,

1:00:52

I have most of them. I meant

1:00:54

child pornography. You

1:00:57

look like you have a bunch. Look

1:01:01

at me. I

1:01:06

think God got you, brother. You

1:01:11

look like you fell down the stairway to heaven.

1:01:15

I like the glasses at the last minute

1:01:18

that God was like, also, bad eyesight. We're

1:01:21

all made in his

1:01:24

image. God's

1:01:31

always cold. When

1:01:38

kids ask me why I'm shaking, that's

1:01:41

what I say. I'm like, I'm cold,

1:01:43

sorry. And then sometimes

1:01:45

it's like, oh, take my jacket. I

1:01:47

was like, oh, God, no. It's

1:01:50

like, it's not working. I was like,

1:01:53

I'm really cold. I had a high

1:01:55

Pathermia. I don't think you should

1:01:57

be having one-on-ones with children. I'm

1:02:00

a substitute teacher. What?

1:02:03

You're a teacher? I'm

1:02:06

not a real teacher. Oh, okay. I'm

1:02:08

a substitute teacher. That's got to be

1:02:10

a lot of fun. It's fine. Special

1:02:15

Ed? Yeah, whatever. Not

1:02:18

really said every time. I don't know. He's

1:02:20

calling you a hack. Hahaha. Shake

1:02:28

hack. So

1:02:31

Martin, what else has been going on? You've been here

1:02:33

in Austin, or are you just visiting? What's up? I

1:02:36

live here in South Austin. I've

1:02:38

seen you before, right? You've done this

1:02:40

before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We met before.

1:02:43

Yeah. We got more clothes

1:02:45

on, but, you know, it's

1:02:48

cool. Where'd you grow up?

1:02:50

Inside of a microwave? Yeah, yeah. I want

1:02:52

to machine. Hahaha.

1:03:04

I want to machine. I

1:03:08

love it. Hey, look at this idiot.

1:03:14

Wait, we're making fun of this Special Ed

1:03:16

guy. Okay, okay, okay. What are you doing?

1:03:18

Alright, come on. Someone's off-conscious. It's Martin's

1:03:21

Make-A-Wish. This

1:03:24

is like my eighth Make-A-Wish. We're

1:03:26

the first seven for stillness.

1:03:29

Hahaha. For a

1:03:31

moment of calm. I

1:03:33

think you age out in Make-A-Wish. Have you tried anything

1:03:35

for that? Like, I've seen some videos where, like, they

1:03:37

get people. Well, you have to be... Well, you have

1:03:40

to be... And things high.

1:03:42

Sorry. You talk about Make-A-Wish because

1:03:44

you have to be dying, and I'm not dying.

1:03:46

Can't you just say that you're dying? It seems

1:03:48

like if you came in and you're like, I'm

1:03:51

dying! I believe you. I

1:03:53

give you the fucking wish. Forget

1:03:55

it like a doctor's note. Be like,

1:03:57

hey, you've gotta die. You

1:04:00

gotta make me make you the 40-time. Ha

1:04:03

ha ha ha ha. Have

1:04:06

you ever tried anything though like ketamine or

1:04:08

anything? Weed? Oh,

1:04:10

I've gotten weed before. Street

1:04:13

crack. Have you ever tried street crack? Oh,

1:04:15

not street crack. Not any horrid drugs. Yeah,

1:04:17

I bet the crack in the streets actually

1:04:19

caused quite the problem for you. Yeah, I'll

1:04:22

fit in with the homeless. Have

1:04:24

you tried duct tape? Just

1:04:27

encasing your body in it? Cocoon

1:04:30

man? So gross. So gross. Easier

1:04:33

to get it. It breaks pretty

1:04:35

firm. How long have you been

1:04:37

doing comedy? I'll eat it

1:04:39

back in here. Oh, shit. I

1:04:43

think I saw your special on Twitch. Aye. Shit.

1:04:50

Yeah. Ha ha ha. How

1:04:53

are you? That

1:04:56

wasn't a hacky. That

1:04:59

was a good joke. Have

1:05:01

you tried a lot of things that

1:05:03

normal people do and looked funny doing

1:05:06

them? Bro, they fucking everything up. Did

1:05:09

you play any sports growing up or anything like

1:05:11

that? I did. I was in

1:05:13

college. I was out there at the club

1:05:16

baseball team. How about hula hoop? You seem

1:05:18

like you'd be good at hula hoop. No,

1:05:20

I can't do it. You can't

1:05:22

do it? Yeah, I swear to God. How

1:05:25

do you want to have the hula hoop here? No,

1:05:30

we don't have one, Michael. I don't

1:05:33

fit in them, so I've never tried. Sam

1:05:36

just calls that a belt. Yeah. You

1:05:41

fuck hard? What's your story? Do

1:05:43

you have any special moves in the bedroom? They

1:05:45

must love it when you're inside of them. Yeah,

1:05:49

you're a human vibrator. Yeah, I've heard

1:05:51

that before. I

1:06:00

was just like, oh, well, let's do my

1:06:02

thing. What

1:06:08

is that thing? You

1:06:10

know, the regular thing. Like,

1:06:13

hey, hey, hey, hey. What

1:06:15

are some of your favorite things to do? Like, is there

1:06:18

a specific position or thing that your favorite thing that you're

1:06:20

in the bedroom for you? I just like being there, you

1:06:22

know? Like, I

1:06:24

love it. I'm happy to be

1:06:26

there. I'm with you. I'm there.

1:06:29

I'm with you. Present is your

1:06:31

favorite. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. The

1:06:33

position of present. I guess

1:06:35

it's more like, hell yeah, dude. Hell

1:06:37

yeah. Have you thought about, like, having

1:06:39

kids? I mean,

1:06:41

already now, I mean, I have to really

1:06:43

applaud any at the moment. I

1:06:46

feel like you could raise kids, but never above your own head.

1:06:50

Yeah, I do have nieces and

1:06:52

nannies, but I will be honest.

1:06:56

They're scared of you. I

1:06:59

didn't hold them too much when they were babies.

1:07:01

But now, you can go them

1:07:03

around. Yeah. Yeah, but

1:07:05

now, you know. How old are

1:07:07

you, buddy? I'm 32. OK,

1:07:10

cool. What do you do for a living? I'll

1:07:13

see you in a trim. No, no, I'm sorry. You said that. I'll

1:07:15

never be there for a living. Yeah, my bad, my bad, my bad.

1:07:17

Wait, what did you do? So

1:07:19

good luck, Angel. I

1:07:21

do that. I do that. Sorry.

1:07:26

I sound like I look like. You know? Yeah.

1:07:30

Yeah. Martin,

1:07:32

another unbelievable performance. Great work.

1:07:34

Congratulations. Oh, yeah. That's

1:07:36

a good one. That was a good one. Killer.

1:07:39

Funny. What a guy. All

1:07:42

right, back to the bucket we go, ladies

1:07:44

and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Make

1:07:46

some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from

1:07:49

Melissa Diaz. Melissa Diaz. Diaz.

1:07:52

Who likes Mexicans? So

1:07:58

it was my dad's birthday the other day. And

1:08:00

it's pretty hard to shop for dads. Sales

1:08:02

have everything they need. So whenever

1:08:04

his birthday comes around, I just give him flowers. People

1:08:07

think it's weird, but what else am I supposed to put

1:08:09

on his grave? Oh. I

1:08:14

was like, look, all right, he's dead. But at least now

1:08:16

he's more emotionally available. So I

1:08:19

think it's pretty cool. You know,

1:08:21

I used to run marathons when he was alive. Now he can't

1:08:23

run away when I want to talk about my feelings. So

1:08:27

it's pretty cool. We

1:08:30

scattered his ashes off of Queens Harbor in

1:08:32

New York. Not by choice. That's

1:08:34

just where the plane exploded. But it's

1:08:43

a beautiful ceremony. And

1:08:46

what's crazy is that it did happen. It

1:08:48

was a plane crash. It happened two months after 9-11. Isn't

1:08:51

that crazy? And so nobody gave

1:08:53

a shit, basically, that a bunch

1:08:55

of Dominicans just floated in Queens. You know

1:08:58

what I mean? That's just weird. But

1:09:00

it's weird to be jealous of 9-11. Every

1:09:03

year, I'm just bitching about it, some mistress

1:09:06

bitching about her boyfriend's housewife. What

1:09:08

does she have that I don't have an inside

1:09:10

job? Bitch. Wow.

1:09:14

What a fat, holy

1:09:16

shit, Melissa Deon. Unbelievable.

1:09:21

Good job. Good job. Have you been on this show

1:09:23

before? Yes. Yes.

1:09:26

Fuck yeah. Well, welcome back. First time at the mothership, though,

1:09:28

this is great. Where's the other

1:09:30

one? Welcome. Absolutely. And a fantastic,

1:09:32

fantastic set. Good,

1:09:34

confident, solid. Good job. Thank you.

1:09:38

Mexican. Right?

1:09:42

Indeed. Coming for our stage time. How

1:09:46

long have you been doing stand up? Eight

1:09:48

years now at this point. Eight years. Most of it in

1:09:51

New York. And do you

1:09:53

live here now? I do. I've been here for

1:09:55

about two years. Oh, shit. What do you love

1:09:57

about Austin, Texas? Yeah, it's a nice sky.

1:10:00

Nice sky. Yeah, we do have a

1:10:03

sky here. Yeah, it is wild. You

1:10:05

miss the rats? Just

1:10:08

my uncle, but that's it. The

1:10:13

Jews you miss them? Oh, yes.

1:10:20

And your dad is really in that plane crash. Yeah,

1:10:23

it was a flight 587. It was yeah 2001

1:10:27

it would happen two months after

1:10:29

9-11. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, I

1:10:31

remember that. Yeah study. I'm interested

1:10:33

in Commercial plane

1:10:35

crashes. Yeah. Oh you are. Yeah, very

1:10:37

interesting. Yeah that you are interested in that.

1:10:39

That's fucking weird No, yeah, no, no, it's

1:10:41

a big thing It's a

1:10:43

big thing. I'm forgetting the name of the fucking

1:10:45

actually like that you are at all But yeah,

1:10:47

it's very very interesting. It's funny in Europe. They

1:10:50

thought 9-11 was November 9th So

1:10:53

they thought all right about her. Yeah,

1:10:56

reverse not one der joke. I guess

1:10:58

that Autistic

1:11:01

guy in the back live driving someone

1:11:04

else. Finally. He's just rocking

1:11:06

nodding. Yes Did

1:11:09

your dad call you from the phone on

1:11:11

the plane? Let's roll. He didn't call me when he was alive

1:11:13

Why would he call me on the plane? That's

1:11:17

what a shitty dad does it's really good. Yeah,

1:11:19

he was he was he was okay. He did

1:11:21

the best he could all right them Yeah,

1:11:24

as a rapist fucking white Peter.

1:11:26

He did pretty good Also,

1:11:30

I was a piece of shit teenager so on

1:11:32

me he did call me before He

1:11:35

got on flight. Really? Oh really? Yeah, but I

1:11:37

was too high. I said guys. Are you back?

1:11:42

He was high super And

1:11:47

then it all came crashing down So,

1:11:52

wow, what does your mom do she in your life?

1:11:55

Yeah, she's in art therapist

1:11:58

sort of but she's not licensed

1:12:00

as a teacher so now she's just working with

1:12:03

mentally challenged adults. Right, the last guy that

1:12:05

was up here. Yeah. He

1:12:08

keeps having the kids draw plane crashes. Yeah.

1:12:10

What was your dad doing? Did your mom

1:12:12

almost go on that trip? Where was he

1:12:14

traveling? No, they were divorced. This

1:12:16

was crazy because he's Puerto

1:12:18

Rican. He was on a flight to the Dominican

1:12:21

Republic, but everything about his death

1:12:23

was just very Dominican. He

1:12:26

died, we found out he had a secret family in

1:12:29

VR. Wow. Yeah,

1:12:31

sort of like he just got married and she had

1:12:33

kids and it was just the whole thing we just

1:12:35

didn't even know about. Damn. Can I ask you a question?

1:12:37

So you're a comic out here now,

1:12:40

eight years, nine years? What do you say? I have been

1:12:42

here eight years now, but yeah. Okay, where do you go

1:12:44

up? What are your normal expats here? How do you get

1:12:46

up? I

1:12:49

just kind of do mics, a

1:12:51

lot of mics. I'm very introverted, so I'm

1:12:53

not good at the whole network-y thing. Yeah. So

1:12:56

I just kind of get up and then I've been getting

1:12:58

booked because of it. Yeah. Do

1:13:00

a lot of mics, like who? You

1:13:04

know, it's kind of funny, she got married

1:13:06

at Skankfest this year. I did get married.

1:13:08

Whoa. Oh, I just

1:13:11

got married downstairs in a little chapel. All

1:13:14

our friends were there, so we figured. Where is your

1:13:16

little chapel Skankfest? On the first floor. He's like down

1:13:19

the street. Yeah, he does comedy. Oh, okay. Yeah.

1:13:23

Who's funny? Are you or him? Did

1:13:25

he sign up tonight? No. I

1:13:28

would have loved to have that whole moment, but no. Absolutely.

1:13:31

Did Jack Amico eat the whole cake? Exactly.

1:13:35

He did not make it down there, so

1:13:37

no. There were stairs involved. Yeah. There

1:13:40

were stairs, so he didn't go, so we got to eat our

1:13:42

cake. The big fat guy. Yeah. Huge.

1:13:45

Fantastic set. Funny, funny set. Yeah, that was

1:13:47

great. Absolutely. I'd love to have you back

1:13:49

on the secret show Thursday. Oh. Boom.

1:13:53

Take a photo. Do you already have one of these? Yeah.

1:13:56

There you go. Melissa Diaz. On

1:14:00

to the next one. What a great set.

1:14:02

I have one more time for Melissa Diaz

1:14:04

everybody. There you go. Alright.

1:14:06

We're keeping them flying through. Ladies

1:14:08

and gentlemen, your next comedian. Alright,

1:14:11

get a drink. Alright, she's married. Next

1:14:15

to your next comedian, Trenton

1:14:18

Thiebaud everybody. Trenton Thiebaud. That's

1:14:24

Trenton Thiebaud. Hell yeah.

1:14:31

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me

1:14:33

recently. And that

1:14:35

sucks. It sucks

1:14:37

because I have the same taste in women as black

1:14:39

guys. So

1:14:45

that kind of kills my self-confidence.

1:14:48

Because that's the last group of guys I really want

1:14:51

to compete against. Like

1:14:54

if it was just me and Asian dudes into

1:14:57

thick overweight white women, that'd

1:14:59

be a dream come true. Listen,

1:15:02

I have a type, and

1:15:04

it's a type two. A

1:15:08

little bit about me. I'm

1:15:13

fat, ugly, straight. So

1:15:18

basically I'm two-thirds of a trans woman. That's

1:15:23

a good joke. I'm

1:15:26

like a natural trans though. I

1:15:29

was born with a dick, and then I grew

1:15:31

tits. I'm

1:15:35

a... Fuck yeah.

1:15:40

Ah, way to pull it out. Oh

1:15:43

no. The

1:15:47

people doing Ari's pants going back

1:15:50

on. A sad moment in history.

1:15:52

If you're here, who's working at

1:15:54

Bucky's? If

1:15:56

you're here, who's killing all the nurses? yeah

1:16:03

I'm actually I work at Popeyes

1:16:05

as a diversity hire you really

1:16:07

work at Popeyes

1:16:11

he's the only pink

1:16:13

employee what

1:16:16

do you do for work I actually

1:16:18

do work at a restaurant and then I

1:16:20

also build a handmade swim baits for a

1:16:22

lure company swim bait yeah what

1:16:24

is a swim bait it looks like a

1:16:26

fish it's overpriced or like a hundred and

1:16:28

fifteen to four hundred dollar for a fishing

1:16:31

lure and it looks like they're swimming it

1:16:33

goes like that yeah basically right I know

1:16:35

about the company because I'm a man I

1:16:37

build them you build them context

1:16:41

clues yeah okay

1:16:44

so you're like a real true

1:16:46

country fucking bumpkin am I right

1:16:48

you would be exactly correct it

1:16:50

takes a real fucking middle of

1:16:52

nowhere goo-goos to make fishing lures

1:16:54

so I want to find out

1:16:56

more about this treacherous lifestyle of

1:16:58

yours hold on we have to

1:17:01

let this man with full-blown aids get to the restroom

1:17:03

okay yeah bloody urine for sure okay go ahead tell

1:17:05

us about your trashy

1:17:14

childhood um it's

1:17:17

a lot better in which you think you would be

1:17:19

honestly by listening to me your

1:17:21

dad's the old on

1:17:23

no Theo Vaughn successful

1:17:26

he looks like I'm

1:17:28

on Dutch I'm

1:17:30

on spend a little time in Louisiana

1:17:33

so he might be uh-huh where did

1:17:35

you grow up grew up about three

1:17:37

hours north of here well don't worth okay

1:17:41

yeah where are Wells Texas

1:17:43

oh you ever heard of sulfur springs there

1:17:47

were cars is yes I have the

1:17:50

way they shot some of the movie radio so

1:17:54

Trenton tell us more about

1:17:56

you what do you like to do for fun what

1:17:59

are some interesting things Trenton um I'm

1:18:01

pretty boring I like fish a lot

1:18:03

and that's about it come on your

1:18:05

pet animals too hard I

1:18:12

yeah I really don't have much of life I've

1:18:14

been hitting the bars lately since my girlfriend left

1:18:16

me I'm sorry how long were you with her

1:18:21

for I was with her for like two

1:18:23

and a half years what happened there I

1:18:25

have no idea she uh she

1:18:28

just decided to leave me on September 11th

1:18:30

September 11th oh my

1:18:34

goodness did she at least say

1:18:36

Allah Allah Akbar first no

1:18:40

she didn't not a

1:18:42

big history but at least you'll never

1:18:44

forget you will remember now that's a

1:18:46

good point Sam

1:18:51

don't play the Jewish music during that joke

1:18:54

we know who really did 9-11 all the

1:18:58

week hood of coordinated

1:19:01

attack yeah some

1:19:03

intelligence all right

1:19:05

so she broke up with you on 9-11 where was this was

1:19:08

this at your place was that at a restaurant

1:19:10

person on phone yeah it was over the

1:19:12

phone bitch what I'm

1:19:14

saying really yeah I think it was over a

1:19:16

microphone on the bus sorry

1:19:19

two and a half years two and a half

1:19:21

years over the phone what did she say to

1:19:23

you when she broke up with you tell

1:19:25

us what I'm tired of your hell

1:19:27

raising Trenton yeah you spend so much time

1:19:30

with that cackfish pit you come home with

1:19:32

all types of dog food between your fingers

1:19:34

yeah then you want to

1:19:36

put it in my hole no more of that

1:19:38

brother yeah I don't want any kibbles in my

1:19:41

bed yeah I'm going to Jackson basically

1:19:44

basically I told her we weren't gonna

1:19:46

get married so she said and I

1:19:48

can't do this anymore and told her

1:19:50

you're not gonna get married that's exactly

1:19:52

right that's crazy she was hoping damn

1:19:55

Mary you because it weird not talking

1:19:57

to your sister again So

1:20:04

why didn't you want to get married? A

1:20:08

former relationship really ruined that for me. Tell

1:20:10

us what happened there. I was

1:20:12

just with another chick for like five years and

1:20:14

real pressured into getting married. And I just fell

1:20:17

out of love with her. And it ended up, every

1:20:19

relationship ends up going bad for you because they want

1:20:21

to marry you. Yeah, basically that's kind of how it

1:20:23

goes. Wow. Alright. That's

1:20:26

flattering. What, do you have like a

1:20:28

forked cock or something? Yeah. It's

1:20:30

webbed. It's not

1:20:33

impressive at all. What

1:20:35

is the value of that, buddy? So now you're

1:20:37

single. You think you're going to be able to

1:20:39

lure in someone else? Or are you

1:20:42

going to be a master baiter forever? Fish

1:20:46

bait jokes, folks. They

1:20:48

won't be floating around all night. I

1:20:53

was actually about to link up with like a 55-year-old

1:20:55

cougar the other day. She

1:20:58

was fishing too? Yeah. What

1:21:01

happened? And then I missed the

1:21:03

hint and didn't follow her back to her hotel

1:21:06

room. What was the hint? Hey, you want to

1:21:08

go fuck kid? Yeah. Hey,

1:21:10

I got metapause in about 20 minutes.

1:21:12

She was basically like, oh, I'm tired

1:21:14

after she was done playing with my

1:21:17

hair and all that. Playing with your

1:21:19

hair? She's like, your face is the

1:21:21

same color as my pussy. And

1:21:26

then like three days later, I was hanging out at the

1:21:29

same bar and I went home with some gal. And

1:21:31

it turned out to be her niece. Wow.

1:21:35

Yeah. So then you're just hard as

1:21:37

a rock. Then what happened? You banged

1:21:39

the niece? Yeah, I slept

1:21:41

with the niece. So now the aunt's out of the picture.

1:21:44

That's how I feel about it. That's how it

1:21:46

goes. How old's the

1:21:48

niece? Okay.

1:21:52

You fuck with condoms or no condoms? Condoms

1:21:54

now, since I... What kind of condoms?

1:21:56

Do they have a special kind for

1:21:59

Billy Goats? Just what? since

1:22:02

uh Since I'm just trying

1:22:04

to fuck around now. What happened before I was

1:22:07

in long-term relationships. I figured it'd last Sorry

1:22:11

you blast Fuck

1:22:16

yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, I Was

1:22:19

I was supposed to open up for a cam in

1:22:21

Fort Worth and I got hit by a semi on

1:22:23

my way there I Was

1:22:27

in a truck yeah, oh my really Yes,

1:22:31

what happened? I was sitting in

1:22:33

traffic on I-20 and We're

1:22:36

we stopped and this

1:22:38

semi didn't And

1:22:41

it turned into a six-car pile-up

1:22:44

what and I got I was

1:22:46

on my way actually to hyenas I'm gonna Tracy

1:22:48

Morgan rushed you and you fucking Yeah,

1:22:51

did you get paid? We're

1:22:54

working on it. Hell. Yeah, yeah,

1:22:56

yeah, I'm guessing you don't have

1:22:59

the best lawyers Yeah, well your

1:23:01

honor I stopped and they didn't

1:23:03

I Rest

1:23:05

my case I think

1:23:08

yeah the section For

1:23:11

the go here. Yeah, the truck

1:23:13

driver was Ukrainian. Oh So

1:23:15

they definitely want you to pay for it Yeah,

1:23:23

yeah, they were probably rushing to get wherever they

1:23:25

were going I Was

1:23:28

I was on the fence before but now I'm

1:23:30

for sure Pro-Russia Who

1:23:33

has been a sturdy fence You're

1:23:37

one to talk I Do

1:23:43

like I look like you from the future here to warn

1:23:45

you Yeah Make

1:23:47

good decisions. All right. Yeah working

1:23:49

on it. Yeah. Yeah. I love

1:23:52

it Trenton a very very fun

1:23:54

performance Congratulations, Dr. Joe Joe, but

1:23:56

dude, there you go. Bye Throw

1:24:00

it up a stroke. Let's do

1:24:02

it ladies and gentlemen before we get back

1:24:04

to the bucket Here's one of the great

1:24:06

regulars of our history a fucking force make

1:24:08

some noise for the great and powerful Cam

1:24:11

Patterson everybody I

1:24:24

Hit that guy in the semi truck. I don't want to open for

1:24:26

me. I did

1:24:28

that nigga. Oh Went

1:24:30

I went surfing for the first time

1:24:33

last week I didn't like it my

1:24:35

the nigga that was teaching me how to serve he would gay

1:24:37

that was weird You know I said it's

1:24:39

not because he was gay. We were just all out in

1:24:41

the ocean by so he could have raped me Or something.

1:24:43

I don't know. I don't swim good sir. It was a

1:24:45

bad time I would tell you this all

1:24:47

I saw was like a sunset We just saw like a

1:24:49

beautiful sunset and it looked so dope and

1:24:51

then he looked at me You know, we did not kiss

1:24:53

white man. He's just He

1:24:56

didn't look at me and he was like yo, that's

1:24:58

so beautiful I like bro. It is beautiful Full

1:25:01

of fuck and it It

1:25:04

was dope. It was a good thing to see. I'm

1:25:06

a man. She did dope, bro He says kind of

1:25:08

look like heaven right and I said yeah,

1:25:11

and then he went if heaven was real. Wait a minute.

1:25:13

I Don't

1:25:15

move in the middle ocean with a fucking atheist dick. Hey,

1:25:17

what the fuck? He don't

1:25:20

believe in miracles. That's crazy, bro. That's

1:25:22

insane. That's wild as fuck Yeah,

1:25:25

that's my minute. That's yeah, there you go ham

1:25:33

Swim good. I saw my eye, but it's not the

1:25:35

best. I'm not one of the best swimmers all the

1:25:37

time That means he's the best black swimmer of all

1:25:39

time Good

1:25:41

pockets are full of rocks My

1:25:46

goddamn pocket That's your

1:25:48

final servant was cool. I like to do what do

1:25:50

you go surfing? Oh, I went in the Malibu. Oh,

1:25:53

yeah Yeah, yeah, so cool. Yeah. Okay

1:25:55

stood up you still up I got

1:25:57

a phone huh? Yeah,

1:26:00

yeah, that's incredible and What

1:26:05

are you doing? How long were you up there? I was looking for

1:26:07

like three full seconds. You know what I'm saying? Yeah,

1:26:09

well we're like for evident. What were

1:26:11

you doing in Mount were you taking a break from looting? Malibu

1:26:15

is an odd place. I was scoping out

1:26:17

some spots. Yeah, I Wanted

1:26:20

to rob everything is burned down. It sucked when it

1:26:22

burned down Malibu that shit right now. Yeah a lot

1:26:25

of it damn Really? Oh, no, I'm

1:26:27

thinking of Maui. I'm sorry I'm

1:26:31

wrong. I was like that shit look beautiful and I would

1:26:33

have done Crazy

1:26:36

already has sundowners syndrome Done

1:26:40

down there sit happy. I'm a half you put

1:26:42

those dick out. I was cool I know I

1:26:44

was back there like thank God. I gotta see that

1:26:47

shit. I got a lady friend Who's you seen your

1:26:49

old dick man? Yeah, I was

1:26:51

texting. I'm sorry. You should have all the time.

1:26:53

I apologize I cut this off

1:26:55

to make it look good. It's

1:26:57

mostly balls. It's really mostly balls. It's a

1:26:59

lot of balls like Mostly

1:27:03

balls got you do marbles

1:27:05

lately You're

1:27:09

repping a new marbles Yeah,

1:27:12

I love marbles I was a cool yeah, but

1:27:15

you ever see marble racing yeah, yeah shit. Oh

1:27:17

you ever seen marble racing Uh-uh.

1:27:19

Oh, yeah, yeah marble marble race dude

1:27:22

You're talking about like a cousin or something marble racing

1:27:28

What else is going on Cam what

1:27:30

else is going on in life you surf. Yeah,

1:27:32

what else did you do in LA anything crazy?

1:27:34

Oh almost oh He

1:27:39

thought of something oh Bro

1:27:42

me and laser was supposed to fuck some

1:27:44

porn stars Sounds

1:27:47

like us yeah crazy right so listen

1:27:49

Born thoughts come to the show. Oh,

1:27:52

I'm thinking also done deal They want to fuck

1:27:54

one of the bitches saw her tears the laser

1:27:56

at the bar. This was insane right so we

1:27:58

get back to the B&B and the

1:28:00

bitches drive past me. So I'm an optimistic young

1:28:02

man. I go, what they finna do? They finna

1:28:04

go park? And he

1:28:09

was like, nah. I was like, what you mean? Nah,

1:28:11

what happened? There was four bitches in the car, porn

1:28:13

stars, and all the ladies, I said, what happened? And

1:28:15

he said, the main porn star bitch got a

1:28:18

text message from her dad. And her dad said

1:28:20

he was finna kill herself. That he was finna

1:28:22

kill himself. And her

1:28:24

whole demeanor changed. She ain't want to fuck no more.

1:28:26

I want y'all to know something. I hope that nigga

1:28:28

is dead. I

1:28:34

hope he did it, dog. There you

1:28:36

go. I hope he fucking did it.

1:28:39

Your daughter is a porn star. You

1:28:41

lost already, dog. It's over. She

1:28:44

was like, I'm going to go fuck a black guy. He's like, that's

1:28:46

it. Porn I was

1:28:48

OK with. This is where I draw the line.

1:28:52

Interesting. Things are really out of order here. Normally,

1:28:54

the dad kills himself, and then they become a

1:28:56

porn star. This is like the chicken or the

1:28:59

egg or something like that. He waited. He was

1:29:01

like, damn, I can save her. And then she

1:29:03

was like, she finna fuck laser or something.

1:29:05

Hell nah. You want to roll

1:29:07

with Major Lazer? You want to roll with Major Lazer?

1:29:09

Yeah. Uncle Lazer. Uncle Lazer. Uncle

1:29:11

Lazer. Oh, Major Lazer. Big difference.

1:29:14

Who is Major Lazer? Who is Major

1:29:16

Lazer? Who is that? Techno. Techno, nigga.

1:29:18

Major Lazer is like, he just rock.

1:29:20

OK. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, that's

1:29:22

real fun. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. Wild.

1:29:24

Have you ever been with a porn star before?

1:29:27

Come on, James Dean. Where the camera at? But

1:29:30

I would like to be. Yeah.

1:29:33

There you go. Talk to

1:29:35

me. I'm a handsome young black man with

1:29:37

a medium-sized dick. Come fuck with a nigga.

1:29:39

There you go. Hell yeah. Johnny Sten. Turn

1:29:41

up. Yeah. Camp,

1:29:43

who's your favorite pornography star? Right. Oh,

1:29:46

my favorite porn star. Who? Damn. Jeremy.

1:29:49

What are you going to

1:29:51

talk about? Who the fuck is that, nigga? What's

1:29:53

up, guys? Jeremy? He's one of the greats.

1:29:55

He's just a year. He

1:29:57

was like our Cosby. For real? Yeah. Yeah

1:30:14

Yeah solving racism with Rapism

1:30:23

oh no, I like I like pick that she got fat

1:30:25

pickles cool. This you got a little pinky pinky Yeah,

1:30:28

she you know pinky. Yeah, you know research. You

1:30:30

know people. Yeah, this guy know pinky. Yeah, everybody's

1:30:32

gonna get it How

1:30:35

do you a big bitch not open when she would I'm

1:30:37

not love big bitches And

1:30:40

my fucking problem I love all types of women

1:30:42

I love all women all women are dope. Oh

1:30:47

Yeah, we can confirm pinky got a little

1:30:49

thick he got biggest fuck Red

1:30:58

man already had that pulled up. Yeah, that was weird Home

1:31:02

page the whole time Wow

1:31:04

you xxx calm is that

1:31:06

a african-american lady? Yes

1:31:11

What are the sunglasses fucking the D man

1:31:13

they make everything white it's better It's

1:31:18

called gentrifiers and Pinky

1:31:21

got old rough Wow She

1:31:24

looks like David Lucas idea

1:31:30

Cam you did it again another amazing performance.

1:31:32

Oh, yeah, but there goes the great cam

1:31:34

patters Go

1:31:38

see cam live very funny. He

1:31:40

really is check the date We're

1:31:42

about to be in Florida this weekend. Fuck.

1:31:44

Yeah, I'm quarter one more time

1:31:46

for cam Patterson everybody All

1:31:50

right back to the bucket we go 60 seconds

1:31:53

Go to Nick Mume or

1:31:55

mummy or mama Nick mama

1:31:58

and you MME Hey,

1:32:01

Mama! What

1:32:06

the fuck is going on? Shows were so

1:32:08

much fun when I was growing

1:32:11

up, you know. Like, I remember, there was a show called

1:32:13

Pimp My Ride. We were like, they

1:32:15

would get a mom with three kids. We

1:32:19

were like, oh, she has a crippling mortgage. You know, with just her car.

1:32:21

I think I would walk out and be like, eh, we heard you didn't

1:32:24

have any money. That sucks. Anyway,

1:32:26

we turned the back of your car into

1:32:28

a hot tub. Also, they

1:32:31

turned your windshield into a flat screen TV. Don't

1:32:33

ask me why. Yeah. The

1:32:37

girl I'm seeing has like really high standards, but have

1:32:39

really low standards. So when we do stuff in the

1:32:41

bedroom, the bag goes

1:32:43

on my head. Yeah,

1:32:48

that's all I'm going to do. I'm

1:32:50

going to do a little bit of a quick look. I'm

1:32:53

going to do a little bit of a quick look. Yeah,

1:32:58

that's all I'm going to do. Nice.

1:33:00

Power move. 53 seconds. From

1:33:02

Nick. Is it mom? Moo? Mummy.

1:33:06

Motherfucker's got Muppet Mom. Hell

1:33:10

yeah. You're very nervous. Say what? You're

1:33:13

very nervous. Kind of. Yeah.

1:33:15

I kind of do the pace. Nick,

1:33:19

welcome. How long have you been on stand-up

1:33:21

comedy for? One

1:33:23

that sits right around three years.

1:33:25

Three years. And what do you

1:33:27

do for work other than put body parts into

1:33:30

your refrigerator? And

1:33:32

fuck Miss Piggy. Mostly just... Ow!

1:33:38

Mostly just work with dogs. Yeah. What?

1:33:42

What do you do with dogs? You work with

1:33:44

black guys? Just pretty much just like watch. Wait,

1:33:46

what? Nothing. Keep going.

1:33:50

Wait, what is exactly what I thought, Nick?

1:33:54

Keep going. What do you do with

1:33:56

dogs exactly? Oh, just watch them. It's like a

1:33:58

dink. Like a dink or something. the more

1:34:00

I was ever without the heart. Like

1:34:02

peanut butter off of what? You

1:34:04

make them fight. No, it's kind of

1:34:06

like a daycare thing where they just like fuck around and

1:34:08

I just sit there and watch them pretty much. So

1:34:11

people, you knock on their door, and

1:34:14

then they answer the door and then you go, hello

1:34:16

I'm here to watch your dogs. I

1:34:20

wish it was that easy. No, they come to us and

1:34:22

they just drop them off and we just... Right.

1:34:25

Yeah. Dude, why do you sound that way? Did

1:34:28

you go deaf this morning? Yeah. Wait,

1:34:31

what? Your voice is

1:34:33

ridiculous. Your

1:34:35

voice sounds like AI generated it. I'm

1:34:39

a human being? Maybe. Great

1:34:44

question. What is that accent? Where are

1:34:46

you from? What did you witness as

1:34:48

a child? I'm from here. You're

1:34:51

from Austin, Texas? I mean

1:34:53

not Austin, but from Texas. Yeah. Yeah.

1:34:56

Okay. And why do

1:34:58

you think you don't notice that you have a little bit

1:35:00

of a twang, if you will? I

1:35:03

mean, I don't pay attention to it, honestly. What? Like

1:35:06

I don't pay attention to it. You don't pay attention

1:35:08

to your own voice? No.

1:35:10

Would you if you sounded that way? So

1:35:14

interesting. Nobody's ever mentioned this, Theo. Do

1:35:17

you sound kind of... fake?

1:35:22

What is that? I

1:35:24

don't know what that is, but I love

1:35:26

it for that. Phenomena. What was that?

1:35:29

Ba-da-la-ba-ba-ba-da-da. To

1:35:33

be quite honest, I've never thought of it before

1:35:35

in my life. Funny you

1:35:37

should have asked on from here.

1:35:40

I love that song. I'd

1:35:44

say of all the people I've met in my

1:35:46

life, your Adam's apple is top seven. Okay.

1:35:50

You got a whole orchard in your throat. That

1:35:54

is true. Man,

1:35:57

he didn't budge on that one. I

1:36:00

see it the Adam's apple is

1:36:02

aggressive pronounced. Yeah, does

1:36:04

your dad sound like you?

1:36:07

No, not at all. So the Adam's Apple

1:36:09

falls far from the tree on this one

1:36:11

very far What

1:36:18

does your mom sound like you've

1:36:20

been frozen in carbonite Hahahaha

1:36:27

It's not like RFK jr. In

1:36:29

the effects we'll wear off. You're

1:36:31

temporarily blind. Don't make the man mistake I

1:36:33

made. I

1:36:36

see on the wrist that's my cane. All

1:36:40

right in speed how close can you get the kids? All

1:36:49

right, here's what we're gonna do we're gonna show

1:36:51

you pictures of children on red bands iPad and

1:36:53

Ari is going to Continue to tap your penis

1:36:55

and we're going to try to get you from

1:36:57

one to ten on the firmness Don't

1:37:05

do it You

1:37:13

can't go pink and

1:37:15

hot kids It's

1:37:18

okay they signed us everybody signs

1:37:20

a special piece of paper we

1:37:23

can technically molest people up here.

1:37:27

I can't get hard anyway This

1:37:36

guy's gonna choke the shit out of a puppy

1:37:39

What Do

1:37:42

you do to let some anger out when

1:37:44

you have to kill some energy? What

1:37:46

do you do? What are some guilty

1:37:48

pleasures? Oh, you're doing you ever killed

1:37:50

a foreigner? I

1:37:54

mostly play games jack off watch me.

1:37:56

Yeah. What do you jack off to

1:37:58

exactly? Mostly

1:38:00

just big tip porn man big no

1:38:02

harm. No harm to fall on that

1:38:04

yeah Victimless

1:38:07

crime you have a girlfriend Do

1:38:14

you have a victim All

1:38:17

right, someone just talking to you hope to make

1:38:19

a girlfriend I'm

1:38:21

gonna keep asking questions and I'm

1:38:23

gonna have Sam answer for you

1:38:27

It's a lot more interesting have you had a

1:38:29

girlfriend before I wouldn't call it

1:38:31

a girlfriend Well,

1:38:37

I mean if you wouldn't call it a girlfriend,

1:38:39

I mean what would you what would you consider

1:38:41

it a barista that didn't know I was

1:38:43

there I Had

1:38:54

my hand inside of her Star

1:39:00

cook Make

1:39:05

you sound like a hedge man for the venture brothers Wait

1:39:11

who said that me or you That

1:39:16

is a spot-on impression of Sam Talon's

1:39:18

impression of you what's your goal? What

1:39:20

do you want to do in life? I

1:39:22

want to make a mask of a human

1:39:24

face How'd you lose your virginity she wasn't

1:39:26

awake, but I was more

1:39:28

awake than I've ever been I Didn't

1:39:47

know I could be that awake I

1:39:57

How do you feel about Jews I think that

1:39:59

it's an active

1:40:02

genocide. He

1:40:05

said that,

1:40:07

not me.

1:40:11

Absolutely amazing, Nick Mummy. What an

1:40:13

interesting force you are. Other than

1:40:15

stand-up comedy, is there anything you

1:40:18

could ever picture yourself doing? You

1:40:20

seem like you're, you know, like

1:40:23

hell-bent on this. Probably

1:40:26

working the movies doing

1:40:29

this. What kind of job in movies could you

1:40:31

possibly do? Muppets take Austin. We just gotta

1:40:39

get into mothership and that's gravy after that.

1:40:44

I want to be the first felt guest on

1:40:46

Joe Rogan. Oh

1:40:50

shit, alright. Oh

1:40:53

god, I could keep you up here and

1:40:55

have Sam answer for you forever. I guess

1:40:58

I have to keep it moving. Yeah,

1:41:00

you want to say something to the

1:41:03

world? Yeah, come on. Final message. It

1:41:05

could be anything in the world. Fuck

1:41:07

you. Oh

1:41:09

come on. Hell

1:41:12

yeah. Alright.

1:41:16

Nick, here's the big joke book. Congratulations,

1:41:19

my friend. Hell

1:41:23

yeah. He's gonna go practice blinking

1:41:25

in the back. I bet

1:41:28

I gotta rule the Thunderstitch. Alright,

1:41:31

pulled another name out of

1:41:33

the bucket. Make some noise.

1:41:36

60 seconds for

1:41:38

Caleb Silvers, everybody. Caleb

1:41:41

Silvers. There we go.

1:41:45

It might be Joyce. So

1:41:48

I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at

1:41:50

me but I don't get laid very often, you know. Kind

1:41:53

of sucks. Hashtag me too. Yeah,

1:41:56

more like hashtag what about me? Jesus

1:41:59

Christ. I wake up every morning praying

1:42:01

today is the day somebody at work finally slaps me on

1:42:03

the ass. But not once. Not

1:42:06

once. I am,

1:42:08

well I'm gay, so you don't have to worry about me getting

1:42:10

all pissed off about nobody wanting to fuck me, you know? The

1:42:13

difference is, straight guys who can't get laid look in the

1:42:15

mirror and say, I don't know why nobody wants to fuck

1:42:17

me. And then they shoot up a food

1:42:19

court. Gay guys on the other

1:42:21

hand look in the mirror and say, Yeah, I

1:42:24

wouldn't fuck you either. You're

1:42:26

disgusting. Your breath stinks,

1:42:28

your personality sucks, and your mother is like, cunt.

1:42:32

And then we just spin the rest of the knot crying alone

1:42:34

in the shower. Is

1:42:36

that 60 seconds? 60 seconds.

1:42:40

No. No? Oh, fuck. 51 seconds.

1:42:42

51 seconds. I figured

1:42:44

I'd let you in. My favorite part of that

1:42:46

was the few of you that pretended to relate

1:42:49

to gay culture. Ha. The

1:42:51

chuckle that is fucking thing about the showers.

1:42:56

I loved you in making a murder. It

1:42:58

was fantastic. That was my

1:43:00

best part. Hell yeah. So you're gay?

1:43:02

Yeah. Oh, no.

1:43:05

Yeah. You

1:43:07

don't seem gay at all. You don't seem gay. Want

1:43:09

a beer? Sure. Thank you. You

1:43:11

don't seem gay or you must be the

1:43:13

fucker. Wait, wait, wait. Generally, yeah. Always

1:43:16

top. You might want this one. Fuck yeah. Sam

1:43:19

Callan's new special, The Toad's Morale, December

1:43:21

26th. Watch

1:43:29

my special. It comes out tomorrow. It's on Matt

1:43:31

and Shane's secret podcast YouTube channel.

1:43:33

Make sure you watch. So

1:43:36

how old were you when you realized you

1:43:38

were gay? It seems like an hour ago

1:43:40

or something. Always. Yeah. Really?

1:43:44

Yeah. That came out really young. He kind of sounds

1:43:46

muppity as well. It sounds exactly the same. Yeah. Sorry.

1:43:49

It's just nerves, I guess. Yeah. Is

1:43:52

there some sort of gay welcoming committee that tells you not

1:43:54

to talk like that? No. Well,

1:43:57

I wish there were. Yeah. It's

1:43:59

interesting. and you're the one that actually likes a

1:44:01

hand up your ass. Yeah. That's true.

1:44:05

Thank you, band. I didn't know you guys had that locked

1:44:08

and loaded. So can

1:44:10

I ask you a question? Please. Is it,

1:44:12

are you only, like, do you

1:44:14

only give the penis or do you receive it? Did you

1:44:16

not hear my bit? I never get laid. Fuck it. But

1:44:19

if you did, what would you do? In a

1:44:21

perfect world. Yeah, in a perfect world, yeah, I'm

1:44:23

more of a top. Yeah. Nice. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

1:44:25

But it was a little scary for me. Why

1:44:29

is it scary for you? Is it the

1:44:31

same reason that it's scary for everybody? Probably,

1:44:33

yeah. Well, tonight we all got fucked in the head.

1:44:35

I don't have the balls to, like, really go all the way. It's

1:44:38

Hanukkah. You're a top. Ari, spin him. Gaitil.

1:44:44

Yeah. That's the men

1:44:46

in menorah. All right.

1:44:48

So what's the gayest thing you've ever done?

1:44:51

Do they have sex with a man? But

1:44:54

I mean, like, I don't know. I mean,

1:44:56

it's inside a dude. The gayest dick up

1:44:58

here tonight. Yeah. I dressed up

1:45:01

like a girl one time for Halloween. OK.

1:45:03

All right. Are you Amy Schumer? No.

1:45:07

I wish. Yeah. No, I

1:45:09

tripped down the stairs and broke my leg in my

1:45:12

heels. So it was a fire. Yeah, I thought I'd never do

1:45:14

that shit again. That turned me straighter.

1:45:16

Right. Right. Yeah, women's bones break

1:45:18

easily. You really committed to a

1:45:21

character there. No shit. Have

1:45:23

you ever been with a woman? No. Really?

1:45:26

You should try it. It's pretty fucking cool. You

1:45:30

may have a pussy. There's no shit in there.

1:45:32

Yeah. What? Yeah,

1:45:34

it's a self-lubricating hole. Yeah, I get it. It's

1:45:36

more of the guy attached to it. I would

1:45:39

fucking dude with a vagina before I would fuck

1:45:41

a girl with a dick. Does that make sense?

1:45:43

So you're a hero. Yeah. Basically.

1:45:51

So it's really not about

1:45:53

genitalia. No, no. It's

1:45:56

really about man-face is what you're into.

1:45:58

Is there a specific type? manly

1:46:00

men. I like them all. Can I ask a question?

1:46:02

I like Twinkz, I like everyone. Can I ask a

1:46:04

question? Yeah. Rank them.

1:46:07

Mark, Mark obviously. Obviously, obviously. Okay, obviously.

1:46:09

Okay, where's the audience? Mark's obviously not.

1:46:11

Okay, now the real deal. Tony's second

1:46:13

class. Thank you. Thank you. I'm

1:46:15

in a different one. Because you ran into him

1:46:18

at a bar recently? No. Okay,

1:46:20

go ahead. Maybe. Go ahead.

1:46:24

We ranked the rest of us too. Yeah,

1:46:26

let's go. Yeah, you

1:46:28

red band. No, not on my worst day probably.

1:46:31

Game. Wow. Yeah. Wow,

1:46:35

not on your worst day. No. This

1:46:38

guy was not. Was I lost or was red band

1:46:40

last? Damn, I'm sorry

1:46:42

buddy. Yeah. Wow, you

1:46:44

would have bought red band before Sam? I would buy red band first,

1:46:46

yeah. Oh, you have it all out of

1:46:48

order. But I look like a trans woman. That's

1:46:51

true. If you had a pussy, you would

1:46:53

be first. All right. Yeah. Does

1:46:56

that make sense? Like an

1:46:58

actual pussy or a fake man pussy? No,

1:47:00

like a actual born a chick turned

1:47:02

into a dude. That's hot. Wait

1:47:05

a minute. Hold on. Does he understand what

1:47:07

I'm saying? He's got some great pussy. Yeah,

1:47:09

he's got the past out. I

1:47:11

hate doing it right now. It's super

1:47:13

straight. Famously homophobic. B

1:47:16

madness. Just

1:47:18

yell stop in the middle of all this. Just

1:47:20

because I'm blind doesn't mean I can throw up

1:47:22

off an image. Yeah. He's

1:47:26

got a little too real for me. Don't

1:47:29

let the rainbow sunglasses fool you. He is

1:47:31

homophobic. You ever done

1:47:33

a glory hole? What? You

1:47:35

ever done a glory hole? No. Oh,

1:47:38

just try it. Do you know of one? Oh, yeah,

1:47:40

for sure. I would. Yeah, come to the back of

1:47:42

the room. Give me the address, okay. I'll try anything.

1:47:45

What about rest stops? Is that real? I

1:47:47

don't know. What about adult bookstores? I don't

1:47:49

know. What about churches? I'm the worst gay

1:47:52

guy ever, okay? Fuck. Have

1:47:54

you ever hooked up anywhere other than a bedroom with a man? Uh, yeah.

1:47:57

Where? In a hammock. Oh.

1:48:00

Ohhhhhh. That's good because he emits his

1:48:02

ass, there's a bunch of holes. Yeah, that's

1:48:04

right. Just

1:48:08

a nice little swing after going, that's good. Interesting.

1:48:13

How do you end up having sex in a hammock? Fucking,

1:48:15

I live in a hammock. You live

1:48:17

in a hammock? What? Yeah. What

1:48:20

should lead with that? I should have, yeah. That's kind of

1:48:22

boring. I sound relaxing. What do you mean, where do you

1:48:24

live in a hammock? In

1:48:27

the rainy stream. I probably shouldn't tell that. Yeah,

1:48:29

I've been there a while. Yeah. Wait,

1:48:31

wait, wait, wait. Where on rainy stream? That's just...

1:48:34

Stop it. Well, I can't stay there now. What

1:48:36

do you want him to describe the tree, Ari? Yeah, there's

1:48:39

two trees. On rainy stream, you

1:48:41

set up a hammock? Yeah. You're

1:48:43

out there? Yeah. I

1:48:46

got kicked out of Elph on a hammock. Wow. Crazy

1:48:49

because there was supposedly a serial killer murdering young

1:48:51

men down by rainy stream. Well, I was hoping

1:48:53

he would kill me for a while. That was

1:48:55

sort of the point. I

1:48:57

was like, I'll have to hang out down there, take my chances. Whatever.

1:49:01

Well, you've been on this show before,

1:49:03

right? No. No? No.

1:49:07

Interesting. Okay. He's

1:49:09

pretty good in the post. What? He's pretty

1:49:11

good after the stand-up. Okay. Ari thinks

1:49:13

so, then here's a big joke book. Oh, thanks

1:49:15

buddy. There you go. He could catch it as

1:49:17

well as monkey pops at any given moment. All

1:49:20

right. We're just flying through

1:49:22

it tonight. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

1:49:25

Trevor Micho, everybody. Trevor Micho. Here

1:49:27

we go. Trevor Micho. Hello everybody.

1:49:29

How are we doing tonight? Having a good time? Real

1:49:32

quick, I want to jump right into it. I'm

1:49:36

raised by a single mother. Anybody

1:49:40

else? Well, both is better.

1:49:43

Relax. Having

1:49:45

both parents is better. I wonder if

1:49:47

anybody can just tell that I'm raised by a single

1:49:50

mom. I sit when I pee

1:49:52

probably more than I should. And

1:49:54

my car definitely hits curves on

1:49:57

the daily. My room looks

1:49:59

like granite. at this point. I also

1:50:03

love gossip. I don't know about you guys. When

1:50:05

it's time to watch the football game at my

1:50:08

friend's house, I find myself in the kitchen with the ladies.

1:50:11

Also wondering why Heather got so fat. I'm not

1:50:15

allowed in the garage anymore. A friend asked me for

1:50:17

a 5'8 wrench and I came out with 13 pieces

1:50:19

of metal. I'm like, is this one

1:50:21

of them? I'm not really a man, actually. And I'm

1:50:24

not allowed in the garage anymore, which is fine. They

1:50:26

call it a man cave in the Midwest. Yeah,

1:50:30

that's ridiculous. Your wife gave you the shittiest

1:50:32

piece of land in your property and said,

1:50:34

go in there. You need heat to even

1:50:37

exist there. Thank God.

1:50:41

You'll never find me hanging out in

1:50:43

the garage, unless I'm hanging out in

1:50:46

the garage. Thanks so much. I'm Trevor

1:50:48

Mishel. All right. I can see why

1:50:50

your dad left. Yeah, thank

1:50:52

God. There you go. Trevor

1:50:56

Mishel. That was

1:50:58

tough because he doesn't look like a mutant like the

1:51:00

rest of the people who bombed. Yeah. I dressed too

1:51:02

nice to do so bad. I'm sorry. Wow.

1:51:05

What? Won't stop. I dressed too

1:51:07

nice to do so bad. Fine.

1:51:09

You're unlikable. Trevor,

1:51:12

how old are you? 26. What do you do

1:51:14

for a living? Working warehouses. How long have you

1:51:16

been doing stand up? Like two and a half

1:51:19

years. Where at? In Phoenix, I started. Where? In

1:51:22

like, you know, what places? Phoenix,

1:51:25

like the clubs. Yeah. Devil's

1:51:27

advocate that outside bar across

1:51:29

from Tempe. Okay. I

1:51:31

would get up every once in a while at

1:51:34

the house of comedy on the triple threat shows.

1:51:36

That was cool, I guess. Nice. But

1:51:38

when the pandemic, yeah, nobody cares. When

1:51:41

the pandemic hit, I just stopped and

1:51:44

rightfully said, dude, you don't have to do this. So

1:51:47

I've been told, yeah, like you got a big, bright

1:51:49

life ahead of you. If you don't do this. Okay.

1:51:51

Do you think in the two and a half years

1:51:53

that you've been doing it, would you say that that

1:51:55

minute is your best minute or are you trying like

1:51:57

a new minute or something like that? Oh man, I

1:51:59

don't. I do want me to try another

1:52:01

one. Why don't you try you why don't you just do your

1:52:03

best joke? You're a joke that is best

1:52:05

short. Okay, okay. Good. Take a breath though Okay, two

1:52:08

and a half years in the game your absolute bag

1:52:10

or you can do one of Mark's to Don't

1:52:14

do mine. All right, you

1:52:16

guys big Googlers. Yeah He

1:52:25

likes that in Yahoo All

1:52:28

right, instead of asking the Google thing just go into

1:52:30

your bed, right so I was on the internet Finding

1:52:33

cool things because this is a great setup and

1:52:35

I came across the term Heteropaternal

1:52:38

super-feed condition. Does anyone know what that is

1:52:40

a lot of

1:52:42

questions? Keep

1:52:44

saying it. I'll say once again a

1:52:46

heteropaternal super-feed condition. This is the miracle

1:52:49

Which when a woman has sex with more than one man

1:52:51

in a short enough period of time She

1:52:54

can become pregnant with twins fathered by both

1:52:56

the men and my question

1:52:58

is why such the long name? What you could

1:53:00

call her a whore The

1:53:05

noise that the audience made It

1:53:11

was a hard ah Alright

1:53:15

so you can get like a fucking degree in

1:53:17

web design in like 18 months You

1:53:22

Said single mom is that true?

1:53:24

Yeah. Yeah your dad's nowhere in

1:53:26

the picture. He is later Eventually

1:53:29

rich god. No. No is your mom

1:53:31

rich? No Really? I know

1:53:34

I like it. My girlfriend. I got a new

1:53:36

girlfriend and she got me clothes I really there's

1:53:38

a wrong one. I love how

1:53:40

cool you think you keep referencing these

1:53:42

clothes I love how cool you

1:53:44

think you look It's

1:53:46

pretty amazing on

1:53:48

his birthday, yeah It

1:53:51

is not that cool You're

1:53:55

the only casting director was like guy

1:53:57

trying to be cool Yeah,

1:54:02

okay. So what is the coolest

1:54:04

thing about you, Trevor? I'm

1:54:07

from Wisconsin. Oh,

1:54:09

okay. Again. Where

1:54:12

in Wisconsin? Racine,

1:54:15

Wisconsin. Okay, I thought I heard of that.

1:54:18

Very cool. What's the least cool thing

1:54:20

about you, Trevor? Question. This

1:54:22

right now, for sure. What else? Well, maybe

1:54:24

two weeks from now. Could you recognize you

1:54:27

were bombing? Yeah. Okay, cool.

1:54:29

That's nice. It's crazy. I

1:54:32

did like jumping jacks back there. It was the dumbest thing in

1:54:34

the world to do. Self-confidence

1:54:37

is not real. With

1:54:39

you. Yeah. Right.

1:54:42

When do you feel confident? Within

1:54:46

the realm of Wisconsin, normally. Yeah.

1:54:49

Yeah, you're like one of the kings of Wisconsin. If

1:54:51

I'm around a lot of cows, I'd do okay. Yeah,

1:54:54

that's about your girlfriend and that's about your

1:54:56

girlfriend. Okay. What's interesting about you

1:54:58

or your life at all before you write it

1:55:01

down? Literally anything worthwhile to listen to. Come on,

1:55:03

buddy. Anything at all? I'd never go

1:55:05

tip it. Tip a cow, tip it. No, no, sir.

1:55:08

I thought you meant tip-ups. I thought you were a big ice fishing

1:55:10

fan. That was my mistake. Go back to the much broader question. Yeah.

1:55:13

Before I throw this little joke book at you. Anything interesting

1:55:15

about your life at all? I

1:55:18

went to Mark Ruffalo's grandma's funeral

1:55:20

and he didn't go. There you go, my friend.

1:55:24

Congratulations. There he goes, everybody. Trevor

1:55:26

Neeshow. Wow. It looks

1:55:28

like the hanging himself might come to full

1:55:30

prophecy here. Be careful what you manifest, ladies

1:55:32

and gentlemen. Don't write things down if you

1:55:35

don't want them to happen. Okay.

1:55:37

I'm going to do something kind of

1:55:39

fun right now. I was upstairs before

1:55:41

the show. Sam said that he noticed

1:55:44

a funny comedian was here. Adam, the

1:55:46

talent coordinator here, at the same time

1:55:48

walked by and said that I just saw a

1:55:51

great guy. It's

1:55:53

a hot tip because I busted his balls

1:55:55

about, who was it? Was it Heath or

1:55:57

fucking? It was fucking someone like that recently.

1:56:00

The they never tell me when anybody's

1:56:02

that I always send everybody the them

1:56:04

for This is the first time that

1:56:06

I'm gonna get to see somebody that

1:56:08

my friends told me as funny and

1:56:10

he's from is Sonia and isn't in

1:56:13

town for long slow. I've never have

1:56:15

literally seen him before but funny people

1:56:17

it's only funny we're going to give

1:56:19