Lamar Reviews - "Road House" (Airdate 4/5/2024) 

More like Road Kill, Road Rash, or Road Rage but it is in no way worthy to be called Road House. If you have never seen the original Road House starring Patrick Swayze then this might seem like a passable movie to you. It’s like turkey bacon. If you have never tasted actual pork bacon and someone gave you turkey bacon you might think it was good. You would have no idea that it was a trick, a fake, counterfeit, an abomination if you will. That is the case with Road House. There is the real one with Patrick Swayze, and the abomination with Jake Gyllenhaal. I have to couch this review with the fact that I am insulted by the fact they even attempted to re-do the original Road House, much less the crappy job they did with it.

Jake Gyllenhaal is a talented actor, and for this role he in excellent shape and cut like a body builder. The problem is he is playing an already defined character and he has to make it different to make it his own.

The Patrick Swayze Dalton can’t be improved on. The Swayze Dalton was a “cooler” that built his name in a Bar in New York and his reputation as a bouncer that stopped the trouble before it started is legendary. Swayze Dalton is also famous because he killed a man in a fight by ripping his throat out. Gyllenhaal Dalton was a famous UFC fighter that killed a man in the Octagon. He made a living by going to underground fights and scaring people into not fighting him and forfeiting the prize money. Swayze Dalton is a man of honor and well respected, Gyllenhaal Dalton is a bottom feeder that has no honor and is at the low point of his life. Swayze Dalton has friends including his mentor Wade Garrett, played by Sam Elliott, who has his back when Dalton knows he needs help. Gyllenhaal Dalton is a loner who has nobody to stand with him. He doesn’t care if he lives or dies, there is a darkness to him that is depressing. Swayze Dalton is guided by his moral compass; Gyllenhaal Dalton is about himself.

Swayze Dalton’s motto is “Be nice.” Gyllenhaal Dalton is a jerk.

The 1989 Road House is one of the greatest “bad movies” ever made. Dalton, the action hero, tried to keep the peace by being “nice”, only fought if provoked, and then made the provoker rue the day he ever met Dalton. He was handsome, knew how to treat a woman. And on that vein is probably the most popular action movie among women, especially since it included Sam Elliott.

The new Road House pales in every comparison. The only thing that stands out is Conor McGregor’s cartoon performance as a mad man brawler who only knows one speed, berserk!!

The movie is 2 hours long, Rated-R for violence language and some nudity.

This is a travesty. It is wrong on every count. Is nothing sacred? The original 1989 Road House is also on Prime, do yourself a favor, watch it.

My Score: 1 Zima

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