0:00

What you're about to hear are

0:02

archival audio recordings of Seth Meyers'

0:05

corrections. To watch all new

0:07

episodes of Corrections, subscribe to the Late

0:09

Night YouTube channel. In

0:15

the year 2021, Late Night

0:17

Talk Show host Seth Meyers unleashed the

0:19

full fury of the internet with the

0:21

utterance of a single word. These

0:26

are the stories of one man's descent

0:28

into the bowels of the internet and

0:31

his courage to take on the most

0:33

dangerous people on earth, YouTube commenters. Recorded

0:36

every Thursday after the audience has

0:38

left Studio 8G and witnessed only

0:40

by scattered members of the late

0:43

night staff and crew, this

0:45

is Corrections, the podcast. Well,

0:53

here's some bad news. Bane

1:01

was so mad about the bird Bane

1:03

mask that he broke Ellen's f***ing ankle.

1:10

She keeps saying it was an accident, but that's exactly

1:12

what Bane would have told her to say. I

1:20

was really happy with last week's Corrections.

1:24

And we're going to bring it down a little bit this

1:26

week. What

1:29

tonight lacks in length it will more than make

1:33

up for in mediocrity. You

1:38

guys, the bird Bane

1:41

mask was a triumph. There's

1:44

no other way to say it. And

1:47

I even had a different way to end

1:49

last week's Corrections when

1:53

I had the spark of

1:55

inspiration that led to bird Bane mask. And

1:59

the rest is history. Someone

2:03

wrote this week, my ice keeps getting bigger and

2:05

I thought that's crazy and now I'm looking at

2:07

deaf is. Ice

2:15

melts but I feel like I got the kind that goes

2:17

the other direction. Oh!

2:27

Birdbane Mask was a triumph. We all know that and yet

2:30

still a ton of notes. Someone

2:34

said that's not how Bane sounds. Well,

2:36

that's how Birdbane sounds. I

2:40

invented him. I get to decide. Someone

2:44

said the mask should cover the beak because

2:47

Bane's mask covers his mouth. Well,

2:49

Birdbane's different. I

2:53

invented him. I

2:57

was told I had a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger

3:00

impression. I

3:03

should get a refund from Impressions Camp you

3:06

said. Here's

3:08

the thing, rookies. Everyone

3:12

has an Arnold Schwarzenegger and one

3:14

of the things they teach you in

3:16

Advanced Impressions Camp, which is what I'm

3:18

now in, is that when

3:21

everyone has one, the only way to

3:23

make yours stand out is to do

3:26

a really bad one. There

3:30

are certain people, Shatner, Schwarzenegger.

3:35

I have a terrible walk-in that everybody

3:37

likes. More cava, I'd like some too,

3:40

please. Keep

3:46

it coming. I

3:53

said last week that... I

4:02

said last week that NBC was threatening to

4:04

cancel corrections. Obviously I

4:06

was joking when I implied that anybody at

4:09

NBC knew this existed. Them

4:16

canceling this would be like breaking up with

4:19

someone you've never met. We

4:26

had an animation

4:28

of Donald Trump getting hit in the head with a

4:30

brick. Many

4:33

of you said, hey, that's not the sound a

4:36

brick would make if it hit someone in the head. Which

4:39

is true, but when you're doing a comedy show, you

4:42

can't do it with

4:44

the sound it would actually make. So here's what

4:46

we did. I don't need to

4:48

read the bill because I know a bad deal

4:50

with Melania. And

4:53

here's how it would sound if it was

4:55

what you wanted. I don't need

4:57

to read the bill because I know a bad deal

4:59

with Melania. In

5:11

that same closer look,

5:13

we had this sort

5:15

of refined Trump character ask Melania to

5:19

bring him some chamomile tea because he was going to

5:21

stay up late. Chamomile

5:24

tea helps you fall asleep. That

5:27

makes sense. It's the most popular in the new Cosby

5:30

zone line of teas. Cosby

5:38

zone. People

5:44

said, uh, it's

5:46

a shame. You don't go back to the previous Thursday's closer

5:49

look. I do. Uh,

5:56

was very excited last week to announce that we

5:58

had a give me the googs mug. Now

6:00

available in the NBC store. Obviously, I'm always excited

6:02

when we get new merch Discontinued

6:06

already. We were immediately

6:08

sued by the Minnesota Timberwolves in 1998. They sold

6:10

one of these I'm

6:18

the only one who remembers

6:21

Tom googly outa Made

6:32

a crack that teamsters wouldn't appreciate

6:34

modern art Was

6:37

told by someone teamsters can actually be very

6:39

knowledgeable about such things local

6:41

814 includes the handlers Art

6:44

handlers here at Christie's and Sotheby's the two biggest auction

6:46

houses in the world and

6:49

I knew I stepped in it last week because When

6:53

I walked off stage Kenny said if I insulted

6:55

his art knowledge again My

6:57

face would be more up than Picasso's

6:59

femme ocean Australia

7:10

we had a joke about a kid got

7:12

caught in claw machine in Australia and the

7:14

cops got him out. We said cost him

7:18

$15 worth of quarters Australia does not have

7:20

a quarter They

7:23

have a one-cent coin a two-cent

7:25

coin a fuzzle gober a kangaroo

7:27

a Grazzle

7:29

basil and a paddle alabagan Free

7:36

Willie wasn't his name The

7:39

name of the whale was Willie Free

7:42

was what they want. That was an action. We'd be

7:44

saying like his name was ask jeans And

7:48

guys, I don't want to make today waste

7:51

my time criticizing the end of free willy But

7:56

kind of sucks because

7:58

there's this whole plot is like like will the

8:00

whale have enough oomph to get

8:02

over this breakwater

8:04

to freedom? And then the

8:07

kid stands there, so

8:09

Willie not only has to jump over the breakwater,

8:13

you gotta jump over a 12 year old kid too.

8:16

And I get it, moo-moo looks good on a poster,

8:18

but come on. No,

8:21

no, no, no, no, bail, bail,

8:23

bail. They don't remember you. They

8:26

don't remember you, it's not gonna work. Don't

8:28

know, don't, no, just.

8:35

Don't do, don't milk it, they don't. Get

8:39

out of here, googs. Here's

8:55

my favorite comment of the week. 95th,

9:00

95th episode of Corrections. Five

9:04

to go. 95

9:09

episodes of something. What

9:11

do I do it for it? Love of the game. I'm

9:15

not compensated for Corrections. Someone

9:19

wrote, is there ever anyone else or is

9:21

it always just this old guy? And

9:28

then someone else jumped into the

9:30

comments to

9:35

describe me as a busted

9:38

Ash Ketchum. Look

9:42

it up. Someone

9:48

said Bongos, Larry

9:50

David and I talked about Bongos. We

9:53

were not complimentary. Someone

9:56

said, hey, Bongos are hard, they're hard to

9:58

play well. I go so far as

10:00

to say they're impossible. To play

10:02

well. Should

10:11

we check in on my fingernails? Should

10:14

we, when we do it, should

10:17

we do the bit I had planned last week? This

10:21

is all just a set up for a bit that I was going to do and

10:23

then came up with

10:26

Burbank and was so relieved that

10:29

I then didn't have to do the bit that I'm going to do

10:31

now. Are you guys

10:33

all going to see in real time how much worse this

10:35

bit was? Than

10:38

the triumph that was the birdbane mask? And

10:43

would the ending today be better if

10:45

Bane hadn't broke Ellen's f***ing

10:47

ankle? It

10:49

would, but I hadn't. No recourse

10:51

but to go back to

10:54

last week's bit. Let's

10:57

take a look. Again, not

10:59

bad. The only problem is

11:01

I'm focusing so much on my

11:03

nails, I'm ignoring other personal hygiene.

11:06

Like I haven't brushed or flossed my

11:09

teeth in weeks. Is

11:15

this anything? Does

11:20

this work? Someone

11:26

sent me these. Is this funny? Really

11:35

doing it on your eyes? Is this good? Is

11:46

this a good ending? I

11:54

have funny bad teeth and I

11:58

have booty doodling on my arms. Did

12:04

I do a good job? Did

12:24

you guys all leave? See you in the

12:26

next week. Corrections.

12:38

Episode 96. Week

12:41

of Monday, February 12, 2024. Hey

12:44

everybody, I'm in a hurry tonight. I'm going

12:46

to go see Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and the Restless Leg

12:48

Tour at the Beacon Theatre. So I'm going to try to keep

12:50

things moving. Very sweet. I

12:52

told them I wanted to go and right away, they sent

12:54

me the link to Ticketmaster, which I thought was cool. What

12:58

did you just send in two words? Those two words

13:00

were Rudy Gugliani. I knew what you wanted. I made

13:02

it for you. There you go. We're off. Also,

13:05

wore my Rudy eyes last week. These are

13:07

my Rudy eyes. I have my fake teeth

13:09

in like this. There you go. And

13:12

I already said, Rudy, we've established

13:14

his bad lower teeth. So this would be that.

13:17

OK, there you go. Someone

13:20

also said when it was like this, it looked like a new

13:22

character called Rudy Powers. Do

13:25

I make you horny? I'll

13:30

tell you what makes me horny if you told

13:32

me you were the daughter of

13:34

my father's first cousin. Oh,

13:38

behave. And there we go. I think that paid off.

13:41

Also, somebody said I looked like Sid the Sloth from

13:43

Ice Age. Didn't Google it. You guys can do that

13:45

for me. What the f*** is

13:47

going on with my Negroni now? The

13:51

f*** is going on with my Negroni now? So this is

13:53

real ice. Oh, it isn't.

13:56

Oh, it is. Oh, it is. Oh, it

13:58

is. Oh, it is. Ellen

14:00

definitely emailed me about that and it

14:02

was too confusing to follow. Alright. Guys,

14:07

I'm made of Russia! Alright,

14:13

windmills do not produce wind. They convert wind to

14:16

energy. Same thing with puppy mills. They don't make

14:18

puppies. They just take puppies, do some stuff to

14:20

it, and the lights turn on. There we go.

14:27

The dog in blue's clothes was a girl. In my

14:29

defense, I never watched the show Blue's Clues. One

14:32

I was too old when it came out,

14:34

and two I just don't believe a girl

14:36

could solve a puzzle. Their

14:38

brains work differently.

14:43

There's a science behind it.

14:46

I can tell I'm losing the room,

14:48

but there's science. It's

14:50

not She-Lock homes. This better not cost

14:52

me my tenure, and we're off. Alright.

14:56

Okay, Jimmy, I give you permission to

14:58

bring me a towel, buddy boy. Buddy

15:02

boy! Can't show up

15:04

the wrestler's leg with Negroni on my pants.

15:06

There you are, my friend. There

15:09

you are. Here we go. What's that?

15:11

Let's do a rehearsal. Except I don't

15:13

need rehearsal. Alright. Bazooka

15:25

Joe comics were not in Cracker Jack's boxes. They were

15:27

in a brand of gum. The brand of gum was

15:29

called Bazooka Joe. Should have known it. Cracker

15:32

Jack's had a comic strip of a character named Cracker Jack.

15:34

He was a hard-living Australian. Oi! Oh

15:36

boy, if I don't get the oi. Oi!

15:40

Oi! Oi! Oi!

15:44

This is snacks, I will bet not. There you go. Alright.

15:47

March 30th is when the World Curling Championship started. I

15:49

bet I was sitting by Canadian Jackal, and if it

15:51

wasn't, I will cut off my own ****. Here we

15:53

are. People said my

15:55

Joe Biden is starting to sound like Jennifer Coolidge. That's

15:58

insane. My Joe Biden doesn't sound anything like Jennifer Coolidge. I'll

16:00

do it real quick. Hey, let me tell you something. This

16:02

pony, this pony is a bad guy. He's

16:04

a bad guy. He's a tough customer, but he's not the toughest customer,

16:06

I'm afraid. I said, let me tell you that much. Toughest

16:09

thing we're facing right now is his evil gaze.

16:11

You were trying to kill me. He's evil. There

16:16

is no platinum level at Sephora. There is beauty inside

16:19

her, V.I.B. and Rouge. I was shocked because Baze wrote

16:21

that joke, and nobody at our show is at Sephora

16:23

more than Baze. It's

16:25

an addiction. It's a problem. Every f*** week,

16:27

he pretends like he's got some medical ailment. He's like, oh,

16:29

I got to go see my doctor. Next thing you know,

16:31

comes back with two heavy bags full of moisturizer. Always

16:35

coming in saying, hey, boss, can I get an

16:37

offense? There's a sale on Dewey's Skin Cream. Of

16:40

course, he doesn't say it like that. It's Baze. He says it

16:42

like this. Grrr. We

16:47

had a mobster say they were putting somebody in cement shoes.

16:49

We should have said concrete shoes. Cement is just like a

16:51

powder. You got to put gravel in it or sand. You

16:53

got to mix it with water. Cement shoes wouldn't achieve the

16:56

same thing that concrete shoes had. The better I make the

16:58

mistake than some mobster trying to off a guy. Then he

17:00

goes and tells his boss, you don't have to worry about

17:02

Angelo anymore. We put him in a pair of cement shoes.

17:04

The boss is like, hey, I hope you meet concrete shoes.

17:06

He's like, oh, I don't follow, boss. He's like, well, cement,

17:08

that's just a powder. It's not going to be heavy enough

17:11

to put him to the bottom of the East River. He's

17:13

like, oh, that explains something, boss, because I definitely saw somebody

17:15

look like Angelo get out of the water right afterwards.

17:18

You know, he's a little bit wetter than the Angelo we throwed in,

17:20

but he definitely yelled something on his way out. What did he yell?

17:23

He was like, you don't throw it in, I'm going to have his

17:25

life. Oh, yeah, that was definitely Angelo. Little

17:30

thrown by the Negroni. I

17:34

think some of this stuff would have played a hotter if I was a little

17:36

bit less thrown. All right. I

17:40

said, Joe Biden said he was

17:43

trying to connect to black voters. And I said, the joke

17:45

was in the monologue, if you're trying to connect to black

17:47

voters, get out of Delaware. Guess what? Delaware,

17:49

one of the top ten highest black populations in

17:51

the United States. So to our black people, black

17:53

voters who live in Delaware, I just want to

17:55

stop waving your hands. What do

17:58

you think I'm going to say? Stop

18:02

waving your hands to the black letters in Delaware. I just want to

18:04

say I'm sorry. What do you think I'm going to... Uh,

18:11

we made a Cosby joke last week. A lot of you

18:13

said that was inappropriate. I hear you loud and clear. I'm

18:16

not going to do it again. Also, it was a joke

18:18

about Camomile tea. Camomile tea and I missed the chance to

18:20

pronounce it. Camomile!

18:25

A lot of people said, why didn't the Tom Googly

18:27

out of cardboard cutout have googly eyes? That's a hat

18:29

on a hat. Someone

18:33

else said, what is the budget for cardboard cutouts on this show? About

18:35

80% of it? I

18:38

had a joke about a guy who thought he

18:40

had the Guinness World Record for creating the tallest structure

18:42

ever made using matchsticks. He spent eight years

18:45

building a nice tower and then

18:47

he built it and he showed it to Guinness and

18:49

Guinness disqualified him because the matches, you cannot buy them

18:51

commercially. What had happened was he was buying them commercially

18:53

and he was cutting the heads off the matchsticks and

18:55

then he realized that was taking so much time. That

18:57

was so arduous. He reached out to the matchstick company

18:59

and he said, hey, can you just sell them to

19:01

me before you put the heads on? And the matchstick

19:03

company was like, sure, we'll do that. And then he

19:05

built, you know, the Seiffel Tower and Guinness

19:07

said, no, we disqualify you. They had to change your heart.

19:09

Guinness had to change their heart because they realized everything we

19:11

do is made up and nobody gives a shit. And so

19:14

they said, you know what, we are going to give you the record. He got the record.

19:19

pretty amazing. You should look at a picture. Do you want

19:21

to know how high the tallest thing ever made, tallest structure

19:23

ever made on matchsticks? She making you want to guess how

19:25

tall it was? But I guess two and a half feet. Twenty

19:33

three and a half feet. Oh,

19:41

I mentioned it's possible to play the bongos well. An

19:43

Irish viewer sent in a quote from renowned Irish piper

19:45

Seamus Ennis. Seamus Ennis was once asked, what's the best

19:48

way to play the bongos? And he replied simply with

19:50

a pen knife. Guess

19:54

I should have done with my Irish accent. Oh,

19:56

you'd laugh if I did it with an Irish accent. said

20:00

Ringo actually plays the bongos very well on a

20:02

number of Beatles songs, including but not limited to,

20:04

You're Gonna Lose That Girl. Then

20:06

that same comment the person said, But I don't expect

20:08

this to ever be mentioned because NBC would never pay

20:10

to license a Beatles song for an internet show they

20:13

don't even know they're paying for. Well, jokes on

20:15

you. That is not one of the most popular

20:17

Beatles songs. So NBC did say, we will let

20:19

you license that song. So here is Ringo playing

20:21

bongos on, You're Going to Lose That Girl. You're

20:25

going to lose that girl

20:28

if you keep playing the

20:31

bongos. You're

20:37

hearing it again. I do think it's a sound alike. I do think they may

20:39

just get a sound. They

20:45

probably don't start on time. Tina

20:48

and Amy, why am I rushing everything for Tina and Amy? And then I'm

20:50

going to get there and I'm

20:52

going to be like, I

20:58

feel foolish. We

21:01

had a joke about a couple finding unrequited love letters in

21:03

an event in their house. Our joke was, one

21:06

of the lovers didn't know how to post offices work.

21:08

But then many of you noticed there was a postmark

21:10

on the envelopes we showed. So they were like, well,

21:12

somebody, somebody must have gone to a post

21:14

office. Good work, blues, blues. Blues, blues. If

21:21

blues, blues showed up to graphics to make that

21:23

complaint, they would of course be like, oh, you're

21:25

a girl. Oh,

21:27

yeah, that's a lot. We don't care. We're

21:31

good either way. When

21:34

Corrections reaches 100 episodes, one of you asked,

21:36

will you sell in this syndication? Yes, we

21:38

were in discussions right now with Siso and

21:40

Quibi. I'm

21:43

sorry, quick bites. I

21:48

think if you're in show business, you'll say like, oh, yeah, I'm doing

21:50

something on Quibi. And people are like, you'll go quick bites. It's

21:57

not an it's not a if. It's

22:00

not a win, excuse me. Make

22:04

it to 200, it's an if, because last week I

22:06

did this, I stirred my nagroni

22:08

with the tip of my pencil like this, and

22:10

someone said, hey, you can't drink that after the fact, which I

22:12

did, because you might get lead poisoning. I actually went to my

22:14

doctor, and he's like, yeah, it's bad. It might be too late.

22:17

And I was like, you think I'm going to make it to 100 corrections? And

22:19

he was like, I don't know what that is. And

22:21

I said, it's like a digital exclusive. I can't remember

22:24

what we landed on, but he said, it sounds bad,

22:26

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I said,

22:29

is there any way to get the lead out? And then he

22:31

just started blasting some zeppelin. And I was like, you know what?

22:35

That's a pretty corrections joke you just did right now. And he was like,

22:37

you know what? Maybe I should check it out. And I was like, well, I

22:39

got bad news. You got to start with the first one. Hey,

22:44

some complaints from people who watch Closer

22:46

Look online, and you

22:48

watch it on YouTube. It ends with me plugging

22:50

Family Trip, the podcast I do with my brother.

22:52

I feel like your complaint should be that the

22:54

YouTube you're using doesn't have a stop button. Also,

23:00

we're adding a new tag

23:02

to corrections. So

23:05

at the end of each corrections video, there's going to be a new tag

23:07

starting this week. I think you're really going to enjoy it. Hey,

23:10

the name of the orca, the

23:12

name of the orca who played William, Free

23:14

Willy, was named Kiko,

23:18

and after the film efforts were made to free Kiko back

23:21

into the wild. And I asked her research team to write

23:23

up some of the fun facts of how that went. Oh,

23:27

God. No, no, no,

23:29

no, no, no. No,

23:32

sweet God. Yeah,

23:35

well, if somebody lives in captivity, happily

23:40

ever after. What

23:48

was it? What was this today? I

23:52

mean, like, but also, you know, shout out. They did. I said, you know,

23:54

can you put in the groan and thing ice? And they did. And then

23:56

I forgot you couldn't pick it up. Well, there you go. Can't

23:59

go back in time. That's the great

24:01

thing about corrections. It just marches on. Can

24:06

we, Shoemaker,

24:10

do we have a CGI budget to fix it? Like,

24:17

before we post it, can we just make it look the way I thought

24:19

it was going to look? And

24:21

then you just obviously just digitize out. Remember

24:28

to stay tuned for the new tag at the end. There'll be

24:31

like a thing. There'll

24:33

be like a thing where it's like, or

24:35

whatever. And then that'll

24:38

be like a still of me with some

24:40

options. And then there'll be a message from

24:42

me. Or

24:45

maybe somebody else. But it

24:47

won't be because I know you hate it

24:50

so much. I know you hate that I

24:52

have a podcast. So

24:56

it won't be about the podcast. But I think that would be really cool. And

24:58

we're on hiatus, so see me in two weeks. Hey,

25:03

everybody. This is Birdbane reminding you to

25:05

watch this week's correction. What's that? You already

25:07

did one. And you can f*** right off off the

25:09

side of a mountain. Ha ha ha.

25:16

Ta-da! For

25:22

more episodes of corrections, subscribe to the

25:24

Late Night Pause Talk, wherever you get

25:26

your podcasts. And to watch

25:29

corrections with all the exciting visual

25:31

references you missed here, subscribe to

25:33

the Late Night with Seth Meyers YouTube

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25:41

for watching.