Episode 33 - Part 2 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201406/estranged-your-parents-or-siblings-overview

- Estrangements from family are one of the most psychologically painful experiences anyone could experience. It almost goes without saying that estranging yourself from family is absolutely counter-intuitive: Who, after all, would think to terminate a relationship with someone who raised you?

- Adding more stress to the already-stressful mix, society tends to project harsh judgment on people who reject their family – even as disturbed as some families can be. Overall, Agllias (2013) explains that family estrangement is often experienced as a considerable loss; its ambiguous nature and social disenfranchisement can contribute to significant grief responses, perceived stigma, and social isolation in some cases. 

- How to conduct a family estrangement most effectively – and least painfully for you. If you’re considering estranging yourself from family, never initiate a full-blown estrangement without first trying an approach of measured contact.

"There is not so agonizing a feeling in the whole catalogue of human suffering as the first conviction that the heart of the being whom we most tenderly love is estranged from us." - Henry Bulwer

- To try measured contact, decide the exact frequency of contact you would like to try with the family (e.g., once every two weeks, once per month). Next, decide the type of communication are comfortable with (e.g., in-person visit, telephone call, email, text). After that, decide the length of time you are willing to try out the new plan of measured contact before determining if another more extreme approach is necessary (e.g., 3 months, 6 months).

- If you determine after your period of measured contact that you need to stop talking to your family altogether, explain to your family that you need to take a break from talking – but still do not pursue full-blown estrangement. Try writing a letter or calling your family members to say that you want to take a break, and tell them clearly the amount of time you are taking (e.g., another 3 months, 6 months). 

"When once estrangement has arisen between those who truly love each other, everything seems to widen the breach." -Mary Elizabeth Braddon

- Estrangements are messy and emotional for all parties involved. If you can avoid an estrangement and find a way to improve the relationship dynamics with measured contact, that may cause you less stress in the long run. If your family lives nearby, it is worth asking your family members if they would consider going for a couple of sessions to talk to a therapist.

- Finally, taking good care of your physical and mental health is never more important than during a period of estrangement. Cortisol levels go through the roof when people get stressed, and nothing adds stress like the anxiety and guilt that so frequently come with major family conflicts. 

"The children of warriors in our country learn the grace and caution that come from a permanent sense of estrangement."-Pat Conroy