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3:00

It's

3:04

good. It

3:06

all go horribly wrong. admitted.

3:09

Hello. Lewis Black's here. Uh-huh. And

3:11

we're at Rantcast, a hundred and ten

3:13

entitled, alcoholic

3:15

Anonymous. the

3:18

reason I'm calling if that is because

3:21

I truly believe that there is

3:23

we are coming to a time in which

3:25

Those who are addicted to being assholes

3:28

will realize that they've got

3:30

to stop,

3:31

much like someone who has got an addiction

3:33

to a certain drug. and they will

3:35

gather together. They'll be groups to where

3:37

they'll have to meet because this it's gotta

3:39

stop, but we're not gonna get anywhere. Okay?

3:42

There's

3:42

a drag on this country, and

3:44

it's people addicted to being

3:46

assholes. They've got to prove that their

3:48

assholes And partly, I guess, the reason

3:51

it it's come to this is I came up with the

3:53

word Assaholic's last

3:55

week, and I never really was

3:57

able to use it in the idle. So that's really

3:59

the reason. III did it, so I

4:01

could do that. And also, we're at

4:03

this point, we're on our way from

4:06

We're on our way from wherever the fuck we were

4:08

last night because I was already broken

4:11

at the hard rock performing

4:15

center. I don't even go what do they call it again? What's

4:17

the hard rock song? Hard rock

4:19

live. Yes. So I was at the Hard

4:21

Rock Live last night in Orlando,

4:23

beautiful Orlando, and now we're traveling

4:25

up the highway to performance Sarasota

4:28

last show. So there's a part of

4:30

me that's already letting go. Not

4:32

to him, my little friend, but

4:35

letting go of the, you know, it's

4:37

it's time to get back and get

4:39

home and really, you

4:41

know, watch people celebrate

4:43

and have fun and and get together with

4:45

their families. And and I won't

4:47

be. I

4:48

have no family anymore. Okay? Got

4:51

it. So

4:51

that's part of the problem too,

4:54

but I so I'm gonna let go on

4:56

a lot of levels. And I think

4:58

it's important that

5:00

one of the things is is that I finally

5:02

get to stop doing this for a little

5:04

bit because Florida,

5:07

I have to say, the recovery time

5:09

from this will be long. I we

5:11

it has been it it kind of

5:13

we we we the start in

5:17

all the way down in in wherever

5:19

the football in West Palm, the

5:22

in at the Cravid center

5:25

was there. There was

5:27

a bit of a blowback

5:29

from the audience a little Jeff

5:32

felt it was the room size. I

5:34

felt it was more than that. I felt

5:37

there was something going on. There was a lot

5:39

of in this the iPad

5:41

that I use that I read from. A

5:44

lot of just

5:47

mean spirit and stuff. How come they

5:49

didn't how come we don't send back Brittany

5:52

Greiner? We didn't get the right person. Well,

5:54

you know, really,

5:56

seriously, she's gotta a fucking

5:58

family too.

5:59

Alright?

6:00

Son of a bitch. There is no

6:03

compassion out there. Why? Because

6:05

we have too many people addicted to

6:07

being And that's we come

6:09

right back to the scene today, don't we?

6:11

And he agrees with me, and there's

6:13

fire coming out of his head.

6:15

And

6:16

And this well, I'm

6:18

gonna I've gotta tell you that

6:20

first, but let's get to the point.

6:23

Okay. The point is is that I

6:25

didn't start with the rubber chicken. Did I?

6:27

And I think that probably threw some of you.

6:29

And they didn't start with the rubber chicken because

6:31

the rubber chicken does not wanna

6:33

be on this episode because what

6:35

I'm gonna read to you now. I said I was gonna

6:37

read it. I told the rubber chicken that.

6:39

The rubber chicken said, go fuck

6:41

yourself with this little tiny,

6:44

little feeding feet when like,

6:46

just like that and then and

6:48

then collapse. and he is

6:50

very upset. It's I didn't

6:52

know that blood could come out of a rubber

6:54

chicken's nose, but it did. Now I'm gonna

6:56

be reading this This came

6:58

from a fan just last week, and

7:00

it was actually to be he wanted me to

7:02

read it in in West

7:04

Palm. with the this

7:06

rant and and

7:09

because she was gonna be attending the show.

7:11

And the reason I didn't read it

7:14

because there's not a lot of you

7:16

don't can't count on the audience knowing who the

7:18

fuck the rubber chicken is. It's

7:20

a certain amount of arrogance. on

7:22

the part of the rubber chicken for sure,

7:24

and certainly on my part to sit here.

7:26

But I I do know that those of you who are listening

7:28

know who the rubber chicken is. And I

7:30

think this is it's funny.

7:33

And so here we go.

7:35

This is

7:37

Arthur Titus. sent to sin, and

7:39

let me just start

7:40

there. You

7:41

wanna send in something like this? You

7:43

say your name.

7:44

No. If your name

7:45

really is artheritis, That's

7:48

that's something else. That is

7:50

spectacular. And

7:51

you should have said in parentheses

7:54

real name, but I don't think so. You'd

7:56

stand behind it. Are you afraid of

7:58

the rubber chicken? I know I am

7:59

and I work with him.

8:01

Okay. Don't take this

8:03

personally, even though it is deeply

8:06

personal. The rants and

8:08

rifts are great. Still, there's one portion

8:10

of your life or a deck that requires serious

8:13

modification in the sense of

8:15

taking the cane, putting

8:17

it around your neck, pulling you off the

8:19

stage, and beating the fuck out of you

8:21

with the cane. Oh, there

8:25

are some nights. Hocking

8:27

the horn of the rubber chicken sucks

8:29

the hair off the a dick

8:31

of a hyena chowing down on a morsel

8:34

of African slender horn

8:37

gazelle

8:37

twice.

8:39

Wow. I almost have to read that again,

8:41

don't we? Because even

8:43

I who read this a few times,

8:47

That sentence slows me down.

8:50

So hunk hunking

8:52

the horn of the rubber chicken

8:54

sucked the hair off the dick of a

8:56

hyena, chowing

8:59

down an amor so of

9:01

African slender horn

9:03

gazelle Jawad. Lewis

9:07

is true, actually. I saw

9:10

a hyena when I was

9:12

the only only

9:14

Sephara took in Africa,

9:16

eat AAA

9:19

baby high in.

9:20

So it but just put

9:22

it in a home who I've never

9:24

even imagined this. So

9:27

the Horn honking went out with

9:29

Claribel the clone. Nice reference.

9:32

and is lower than the ninety two

9:34

two year old woman's

9:36

is thirty six long breast.

9:38

that that it's spectacular some

9:40

of these things that have come out of your

9:42

head. If you have decided that having sound

9:44

effects will enhance your comedy, Just

9:46

pound

9:46

on your dick with a meat tenderizer and

9:49

let that sound be your introduction. If

9:51

it weren't, I do

9:54

it. k?

9:54

That's

9:55

what I would do. Alright?

9:57

But

9:58

I'm not pounding my dick with a

9:59

meat with a fucking we're

10:02

pounding it with a meat tenderizer. Are

10:04

you serious? set up a

10:06

bitch, and it doesn't make a lot enough

10:08

sound. Then that that I

10:10

didn't try it. Their brothers wrote in about

10:12

it. His story likely to mediums have

10:14

resorted to bringing out the rubber chicken when

10:16

they couldn't get any laughs on the material.

10:18

Not true. The rubber

10:20

chicken goes back for years and years and

10:22

years it comes out of Comenity Dollar

10:24

Tank where they didn't have a rubber

10:25

chicken. They actually probably had a dead chicken

10:28

because rubber wasn't invented. So

10:29

I'm pushing back on that.

10:32

You know, people don't take

10:34

it out for

10:34

that. There was a whole fucking

10:37

Board Bill is based on fucking nonsense

10:39

in Wuhai. Alright? And

10:41

it was funny. Go to the National

10:43

Comedy Center. You don't believe me.

10:45

Alright.

10:46

Historically, comedians have resorted to

10:49

bringing up the rubber chicken when they couldn't get any

10:51

from their material. That is not your

10:53

problem. If you are under

10:54

trust. Just choke the

10:57

chicken. While

10:58

you're at it,

11:01

take the southern gentleman whatever the

11:03

fuck bush you were using the beginning of

11:05

the live, Brad, and shove a

11:07

cold pickle up your gumstick.

11:09

Wow. I think that's an overreaction.

11:12

Okay? I mean, seriously. It's

11:14

not long. You know what really? Okay.

11:16

If you actually heard what you were

11:18

saying, you would gag on it the rest

11:20

of do. When we imagine

11:22

gallons of whale sperm spread over

11:24

the stage of the nutcracker by the

11:26

way, as the dancers keep

11:28

falling down and drinking the

11:30

jits. You

11:32

had an afternoon and a half there.

11:34

Your special voice reduces your

11:36

comedy below it. Bill Cosby

11:38

impersonation content. I'm

11:41

not one to look a gift horse

11:43

in the A List. That is your

11:45

that is your Free Live Brands. But

11:47

fuck Lewis, your library and

11:49

opening smells like the end of

11:51

game of Gilbert Godfrey's most

11:53

famous joke, the aristocrats. Well,

11:56

arthritis. Wow.

11:58

That

11:59

is

11:59

spectacular. And

12:01

it certainly deserved to be read.

12:03

And I hope you're willing to pay these

12:06

psychiatric bills in my fucking

12:08

rubber chicken. k? Alright.

12:11

because it wouldn't even go on the road

12:13

knowing this was happening. It's

12:15

either a high little bed.

12:17

There's a there is a

12:19

there's an adjunct to the actor's

12:21

home for props

12:24

and

12:24

he's lying there now in a bed

12:27

on an IV.

12:28

Look, the

12:30

fact of the matter is,

12:33

it's

12:34

what's truly stunning is

12:35

is that how you

12:38

could get that irritated with with what is

12:40

no longer it's not

12:42

it can't be much

12:43

longer than a minute, a

12:45

minute thirty, maybe sometimes

12:47

two minutes. the discussion between this may take

12:49

it into two and a half. You

12:51

can

12:51

you can skip it. Arthur,

12:54

you can

12:55

skip it. That's why that's why it's

12:57

designed like that. So you can you don't have

12:59

to listen to the fucking rubber chicken if you

13:01

don't want them. But folks, I want you

13:03

to know if but

13:05

III asked before. I'm gonna ask again,

13:07

we've got time off. If

13:09

you want the rubber chicken to continue, let

13:12

me know if you want the rubber chicken his

13:14

his

13:15

arthur is so eloquently said

13:17

if you want the Robert Chicken

13:19

call. And

13:21

this certainly is a I don't know if

13:23

this is really one could call evidence, but

13:25

when someone gets this inspired to

13:28

to write some of the things that he

13:30

wrote here, gotta wonder maybe something's

13:32

wrong with the the rubber chicken, but you

13:34

also have to know that it

13:36

might be working. You know, it's the kind of

13:38

thing that has gotten

13:40

advertised guys is billions and

13:42

billions of dollars by having an irritating

13:45

idea that they just pound you with.

13:47

But that isn't really what I wanna

13:49

do. I'm letting I'm leaving it

13:51

open to all of you out there

13:53

to let me and the Robert

13:55

Chicken know if it continues. because

13:57

certainly, I'm more than

13:59

willing. It's it's

13:59

not easy. The toughest thing is figuring

14:02

out what that fucking you

14:03

know, the chicken spends hours working

14:05

on is the bag. And and

14:08

sometimes you know, it goes on for days.

14:10

So it's it's I

14:12

I don't know if I really wanna wait around If

14:15

this is what most do you feel like, With those I

14:17

realized the who were just listening to

14:19

the to this the Rantcast up.

14:21

I'm actually sitting here with my little

14:23

pal from inside out, the the

14:26

characters of anger. It's a little

14:28

anger doll made by

14:31

Funko Funko Pop

14:33

or

14:33

Funko and

14:36

there's fire coming out of his head.

14:38

And apparently, if you put him under a

14:40

black light, it'll glow at night.

14:41

And I'm not trying to sell

14:43

Lewis. That's for sure. I don't

14:46

get anything for Lewis, but

14:48

it

14:48

it is interesting to have this

14:50

as a representative of me

14:53

and I talk to it from time to time.

14:55

And I'm who knows?

14:57

Maybe I'll replace the rubber

14:58

chicken with anger. How would you like that?

15:01

And just It's something I my friend,

15:03

you know, Jeff had said to me

15:05

about pounding myself

15:07

with my meat tenderizer, you

15:09

know, it

15:09

we that's a one off. k?

15:11

The internet

15:13

doesn't really help me, Arthur. I

15:15

can only do it once, and then that's the

15:17

end of that joke.

15:18

And and

15:20

the end of really a a

15:23

special friend. If

15:25

so, Lewis get back

15:27

to my pal. Here he

15:29

is. The the reason he's here

15:32

is my friend James picked him

15:34

up that we were in Orlando

15:37

last night, and that

15:40

they they have a they had

15:42

a a Funko pop convention, I

15:44

guess. I don't know how to or

15:46

pop funko. Is that it? It's

15:49

funko, pop, pop, funko with with

15:51

whatever the fuck It's one of them.

15:53

And there's it tells they

15:56

sell tons of these. So all

15:58

of the inside out characters

15:59

were there in

16:02

in in a in a in a boxes. They've

16:04

got thousands and thousands

16:06

of of, like, marble characters

16:08

any name

16:10

the cap Conan's got them. He's

16:13

got them. They did there there was

16:15

a sinbad one. And

16:17

I don't how they're picked. I don't know how it

16:19

happens. This makes, you know, they're for

16:21

movies I get and from

16:23

animation. But and there was a guy

16:25

they're signing. and he'd

16:27

been a character in a ton of things I'd never heard of

16:29

it, but a lot of it I'd never heard

16:31

of. Backpacks with characters

16:33

I'd never seen, And

16:36

I

16:36

just it it's stunning to

16:38

me

16:38

how, you know, out of the loop I

16:41

am when it

16:41

comes to plastic figurines. I

16:44

am completely at a loss.

16:47

I

16:47

didn't know this is being done, but apparently

16:49

is a big business because they were rolling in

16:51

and they're doing it again today.

16:53

the

16:54

And it was fascinating to

16:57

watch. I'll tell you that. And

16:58

I and and the whole

17:01

time in the back of my head, I'm thinking,

17:03

slow down. I bet there's something here that you you're

17:05

not paying enough attention. There's

17:07

a there's a characteristic you

17:09

could pick up, and

17:11

there

17:11

might really be something you want. And

17:13

but I couldn't focus. There were just too

17:15

many of them And some of

17:17

the people were dressed in outfits that

17:20

even when I was

17:23

in

17:23

the midst of, like, doing, you

17:25

know, you know, you know, all of the,

17:27

you know, pot and gonna have smoking

17:29

grass and all of that shit and

17:32

taking drugs. I some of the people were

17:34

dressed up in a

17:34

fashion that literally in a

17:36

way affected me as if I had taken

17:38

a drug. They there was a

17:40

guy in a in a in a

17:42

in a full black

17:45

Black's, shorts, in a

17:48

the top was star wars

17:51

black with a with a Star Wars

17:52

t shirt and a red cowboy

17:54

hat. And something about

17:56

that in his body's

17:59

structure.

17:59

I'm saying body structure. I don't wanna

18:02

hear fucking bullshit about that.

18:04

That's the words I'm using. So there's

18:06

no kind of oh, but

18:07

he's said he's shaming.

18:09

You don't even know who it is. I'm

18:11

just talking about my reaction and

18:13

how it felt like a drug. Okay?

18:16

Got it. fucking

18:16

assholes everywhere I go, including

18:19

myself, but I'm not

18:21

addicted to it. So

18:23

it it was it made for

18:25

a fascinating bit of time there. Then

18:28

I performed at

18:30

Orlando. There was a reaction in

18:32

the audience through me, which was is that I

18:34

talked I talked about the

18:35

act immigration and how we're

18:38

it's taken us so long to deal with it

18:40

and that we're not dealing with it and

18:42

that I did not think. And

18:44

I talk about, you know,

18:46

that we you can't blame it on the

18:48

ghost in Christmas past in the White House, in

18:51

that you can't call them

18:53

criminals, and I kinda go through a list

18:55

of things that don't help. And

18:57

something else that said that didn't help was for the

18:59

governor of the state. to

19:01

to gather is to was to send

19:03

folks from Texas all the

19:05

way to to

19:08

Florida, maybe. to

19:11

to then up to I

19:13

don't know if he sent him to did he send

19:15

him directly? I can't remember.

19:17

You sent

19:17

him out of he just sent him from Texas

19:20

up, or did he bring him into Florida first?

19:22

because I'd already brought him into Florida.

19:24

He did bring him to Florida. So I was

19:26

right.

19:27

Yeah. So he brought him. He Lewis him to

19:30

Florida, and then he sent them up

19:32

there.

19:32

Right. No. But but he flew

19:34

them up to Florida. And

19:36

in order to and this is called,

19:38

you know, it's you

19:40

you

19:40

know,

19:41

this is a jest year.

19:44

And he's

19:44

about sea. I brought him to Florida, and

19:46

now I'm setting him up. So sea, you

19:49

know, you know, say he he

19:51

brought the immigrants in, that he didn't he doesn't wanna

19:53

let in and sent them up to

19:55

to Martha's vineyard. And

19:58

I That was all I said. And it was not any

20:00

kind of condemnation of it. It

20:02

was just literally me

20:04

saying that's not gonna help. Well,

20:06

A third of the audience I've felt, maybe a

20:09

quarter. He was

20:09

like, oh, you had help. Where I'm

20:12

at? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, cack, one guy

20:14

in particular. you

20:16

know,

20:16

they and and it it may have been

20:18

drunky drunk that was they

20:21

caused that reaction, but it was kinda

20:23

like, wow, guys. you know, I

20:25

just

20:25

it's just amazing. It's

20:27

been amazing down here. I was just

20:29

in Florida a while ago

20:31

and performing in like,

20:34

since the election, they seemed

20:37

to have snapped. And

20:39

those and so the stuff I was

20:41

getting on the the coming

20:43

into the into

20:45

the iPad, into the

20:48

comments coming in and

20:50

the audience reaction to certain things. And I the

20:53

beginning, I go through a whole thing

20:55

of, you know, you don't get to talk during this

20:57

time. Alright? You know,

20:59

this is not about We're not

21:01

having a a town hall meeting fuckers.

21:03

And so they it it doesn't stop.

21:05

And here, it it hasn't

21:08

I'll get a bit of it, but down here

21:10

I got a lot more than I

21:12

expected. And and and both

21:14

sides seem to be pretty pissed

21:16

about it. A lot of things One

21:18

side seems to be thinking that people

21:20

are moving in and making the state redder,

21:22

and the other side is thinking that

21:24

people are making the state bluer

21:26

and one side thinks that everybody should just go

21:28

and get fucking blown and shut the

21:30

fuck up. But there is

21:33

it seems to me a something

21:36

that they need to that they need to

21:38

deal with their gerrymandering factor,

21:41

which some of the which I've read

21:43

you know, one of the peep of the people were writing that

21:45

the jittermandering that was coming

21:47

in was was

21:50

certainly had

21:51

to do with him winning

21:54

the election,

21:54

a governor, the sanitary,

21:56

but that's not

21:58

true. Okay? Jerry Mandarin

21:59

doesn't help what it does,

22:02

I hope is to get yourself a Republican congress.

22:04

I was

22:05

just

22:06

informed from my cracker

22:09

Jack staff, which is

22:11

far and far and we is

22:13

the but it was

22:16

it's Funko It was actually funko pop

22:18

con. It was a funko pop funko

22:20

pop con, like a comic con.

22:22

Only had spelt with a k.

22:25

to differentiate in case you were

22:27

going along and being, oh, I bet it's

22:29

like comic con or all the other cons

22:31

or just a con.

22:34

but it was spelled with a k, so it's not.

22:36

It's legitimate. And I

22:38

was there. And, you

22:39

know, and now that my my my

22:43

my parents passed, my brother's pass that I'm I'm

22:45

miss Billy, without

22:47

a could

22:48

be important. Well, I would say without a

22:51

family, that

22:52

having

22:53

spent time in that room with those folks

22:55

in the in all of the characters,

22:57

I'm holding my little friend,

23:00

little anger down now for those of you who

23:02

just can't hear me. But

23:04

that's where that's what's

23:06

gonna fill the void.

23:08

I'm I'm trying to get

23:10

a hold of the schedule so that

23:12

I can follow

23:15

them. And and

23:17

and and

23:19

I,

23:19

you know, and I I wanna remain anonymous. I

23:21

don't wanna be, you know, you

23:23

know, just wanna settle in

23:26

and get some of

23:26

my the the hard part's gonna be

23:29

how do I dress.

23:30

I'm so used

23:32

to, you know, kind of really dressing

23:35

up, but But an honor

23:37

of

23:37

funcopapa were my my

23:39

squirrel, which I know

23:41

it's something that my friend

23:43

Kathy Madigan gave it to me because she knows I hate the little

23:46

fuckers. But maybe I'll dress up as

23:48

a squirrel. We'll see. Whatever

23:51

it takes to fill up a broken

23:53

heart. And what?

23:58

Probably a chicken. you

23:59

yeah

24:01

know, now that that's

24:03

been taken out of my life, the rubber chicken,

24:06

you know,

24:06

by law then that's what

24:09

Arthur doesn't seem to understand. Maybe some of

24:11

you other stuff, but but

24:16

I

24:16

I really wanna get

24:18

back on point and and and to

24:20

let you know that this is the

24:22

end of the tour. for now.

24:25

We're coming Black's. I

24:27

think

24:27

it's January twenty first. I

24:30

think I'm close. to Santa

24:34

Cruz. It's we'll

24:36

start there and then we go

24:40

twenty

24:40

eighth, I believe, to

24:43

Hawaii. The

24:46

big Island or maybe not

24:48

the big island, Honolulu. I always

24:51

mix

24:51

them up because why would you but, you know,

24:53

and when I go to the big

24:56

island and then Maui a couple

24:58

of days later. Then

25:00

it's

25:00

off to Mhmm.

25:03

Next night. Yeah.

25:04

It's the next night? Yeah.

25:06

Wow. It's back to back. Well,

25:09

I'm we'll be checking on that scheduling.

25:11

I don't think I approved that I

25:13

would fly day of

25:15

performance. I don't do that. And my

25:17

my little pal here doesn't agree

25:19

with that at all. He's my

25:21

new manager.

25:22

So But

25:26

they I don't I don't think that

25:28

but we'll see. I guess it's the next night. So

25:30

it's the twenty eighth and twenty

25:32

ninth. Then we skip out of there

25:34

to

25:35

the Victoria Island, which if

25:37

you've never been to, it's which

25:40

where dreams come true and houses are

25:42

made of gingerbread. and I'm not fucking

25:45

kidding. And then on to

25:47

Vancouver, a really great

25:49

town. We're probably doing

25:51

that the next night. because we're really

25:53

stupid. And then on

25:55

to the birthplace

25:58

of by opening actives,

25:59

Stilson, Spokane, Washington.

26:02

There's still be a huge celebration there.

26:04

I hope

26:04

you're there. The streets will be filled.

26:08

The jet Stilson welcome

26:10

home. We've been wondering

26:12

where you are parade.

26:16

In force thousands

26:18

and thousands the entire Gonzaga

26:20

basketball team, and those in the

26:22

hall of fame of Gonzaga

26:24

basketball, will

26:27

be gathered to greet him on the dais.

26:29

And the only reason I even

26:31

began this is so that I could finally

26:33

use the word dais. We

26:36

never get to do it anymore.

26:38

So I hope you can join

26:40

us for one of those shows, especially

26:42

the Jeff Stilson Homecoming Show, which I

26:44

think is gonna be the top And that

26:47

I'm hoping to get the

26:49

the funko pop people to do

26:51

a funko pop up con in

26:54

honor of his arrival. And

26:56

maybe get a little Stilson

26:59

bunker popped off. It'll

27:02

have a you'll have a football

27:04

jersey on because Jeff

27:06

unbeknownst to many and his

27:08

new show But

27:10

what you need to do to be a great quarterback

27:12

will be coming on YouTube

27:15

soon. You're gonna wanna catch

27:17

that. But to get on with things, we're

27:19

we're finishing up

27:22

and and taking

27:24

a little time off and I'm

27:27

gonna re study Buddhism

27:29

and hope that that fucking helps.

27:32

And then a

27:34

little Shinooka which I won't be involved

27:36

in Christmas. Just

27:38

watching people be happy holding

27:40

hands, really wandering the

27:42

streets of New York any bright smiling

27:44

faces. And, well,

27:46

I'm just maybe I'll wear

27:48

a little fire

27:50

head dress. on my

27:51

head to show them

27:53

just how pissed I am. But, you

27:55

know, with the I'm jealous

27:57

of what they have. I don't have that. Well,

27:59

I have his

27:59

funko pop up. So

28:03

the

28:04

today, the the

28:06

the

28:08

I just wanna

28:12

say that the

28:13

it's it's probably good that I'm getting up

28:15

the road because I'm losing my

28:17

touch a little sometimes people yell shit out now.

28:20

I just it drives me a

28:22

little more nuts than usually I kind of

28:24

maintain a center. But

28:25

some of the shit that's coming

28:27

out now. Due to the

28:29

fact that people seem

28:30

to be addicted to their, you you

28:33

know, their their being an

28:35

asshole that they're arriving at

28:37

my shows on and I'm just

28:39

not able to deal with

28:41

that as well as I could. I've

28:43

certainly try. I try to get

28:45

them to deal with it from the beginning. I

28:47

give them a sense of how many people in the

28:49

audience really wanna hear

28:51

the show. and it hasn't

28:53

worked very important stuff coming

28:55

in. It's my lotto numbers.

28:58

because if I can get the right ones, this

29:00

bullshit comes to an end. and I

29:02

can

29:02

become king of

29:04

funko pop. Just

29:06

so we get it straight,

29:08

This rest will be good for

29:11

me. Me and the Robert

29:13

Chicken, we don't get any sun, but

29:15

we will get some time away, and

29:17

and that'll be good. because I

29:19

fundamentally gotta calm the fuck down. Because

29:22

what's going on now, people are

29:24

people have got to start fucking

29:26

listening and and I certainly

29:28

do, but I mean listening. You

29:31

get your fucking

29:31

you tell you you say

29:33

something on stage You hope that they're

29:35

there to hear. But apparently

29:37

and I believe this that the

29:38

nation has lost three quarters of

29:41

its hearing. during the

29:43

pandemic. And you can fucking quote me on that.

29:45

Okay? I'm no

29:46

fucking doctor. But the fact of

29:48

the matter is nobody's fucking

29:50

focused. least of all me. So

29:52

I'm taking a little time away, try

29:54

to find that focus again, but

29:57

and and maybe get

29:59

together a parcel of my

29:59

new friends. But so

30:02

for now, I hope you really

30:05

enjoy what's coming up, which is

30:07

the Rams from Orlando.

30:09

and West Palm. There's

30:11

there's there's some really spectacular

30:13

ones. You'll get a sense, I

30:16

think, of of what I've

30:18

been talking about when you hear them

30:20

and hope that you

30:23

enjoy this upcoming week.

30:26

the three hundred and fortieth day

30:28

of Christmas, and

30:30

the anticipation by the

30:32

entire Jewish community

30:33

of Hanukkah, which is coming on the

30:36

eighteenth,

30:36

I believe, of December.

30:38

I got that right. I don't know

30:40

what my

30:40

fucking gigs are, and I was kind of a

30:43

non Black's just in the

30:45

date. Usually, I have to wait for the New York Post

30:47

to announce it. But so

30:50

let me just say it's

30:52

the pleasure of spending with you and

30:54

I wanna thank everybody who's

30:56

been on tour of the whole gang. I

31:00

wish I could remember their name. I

31:02

remember their faces, but that's

31:05

because they show up. I can't

31:07

focus. That's all I'm saying. They they had

31:09

great names.

31:14

every one of them. And and

31:16

I'll share those names with you time. I can't

31:18

do it. front of them. They'll they'll we'll

31:20

do it at the the Christmas show,

31:23

which you maybe face you know, featuring

31:25

the rubber chicken. I don't know.

31:27

but they'll definitely be well,

31:30

not a won't be on Christmas.

31:31

I can fucking tell you that. I

31:33

got a dinner to go to. and

31:35

it's a favorite dinner of mine.

31:37

But I'm pardling on because

31:40

otherwise it it

31:41

once I stop, I realize I'm in Florida again, and I'm

31:43

gonna have to take a nap. So

31:46

thank

31:46

you again. Take care of each other.

31:48

Okay? because that's really the most important

31:51

thing. and then when the

31:53

Christmas season ends, keep

31:55

taking care of each other.

31:56

Okay?

31:58

Alrighty. Shionor as

32:00

my pal say, Funko

32:04

Bob forever.

32:04

ever

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37:33

You are to the

37:36

comedy trap house. Alright? Where we get

37:38

silly and sometimes we get messy.

37:40

Alright? But most importantly, we have fun on

37:42

this podcast. Alright? I am your host,

37:44

Rome Green Junior, and we come

37:46

in with the heat. We got cam

37:48

from d t, and we also got a manual

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in the building. Oh, and

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guess what? we got our boy, Mike Mendez, on the ones and twos. And if

37:54

you want a group of friends that's out here

37:56

doing what they need to do to make

37:58

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37:59

comedy as a form of medicine for the people

38:02

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38:04

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38:06

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38:12

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tap in with the comedy trap house

38:16

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So make sure you tap into the

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38:38

We're coming you

38:39

live tonight from the crowded center

38:41

for the performing arts in beautiful

38:43

West Palm Beach, Florida.

38:46

I I

38:50

used to

38:50

but I

38:52

don't know what she said. It's

38:55

it's almost as if some people. Oh,

38:57

thank you. You

38:59

don't want that. Good.

39:04

Thanks.

39:05

What

39:10

you should you know, I used to work down here a fair amount of the I think

39:12

it's the soda jet at the comedy

39:14

corner. Was that the name of

39:16

it? Yeah. And

39:17

obviously, that you can see why that's

39:19

not around anymore.

39:22

But I got a lot out of working down there and

39:24

it was a great club it was terrific.

39:26

And for those who are watching, as

39:28

you know, West Palm Beach is moments

39:30

away. I am moments away. from

39:34

from Mar a Lago. And

39:37

then I was

39:39

hoping that I could go over

39:41

tomorrow and have a brunch

39:43

to find out

39:46

what a membership cost.

39:50

But it's

39:52

What? Class

39:54

four documents? No.

39:55

They classified documents.

39:56

They're but they got them

39:58

all now and

39:59

and and And so there's

40:02

a – I'd like

40:04

to take my tour bus by

40:06

there just him

40:10

and upset him. I've met him

40:12

once, and he called

40:14

me, but I for another time.

40:16

I wanna get on with your stuff. It

40:18

wasn't a great meeting. If we didn't

40:20

meet, he called me on the phone, and

40:23

I wasn't home, and I I

40:25

wasn't sure

40:26

I'd done a joke about him on the daily show. And

40:28

it was really fucking funny and

40:31

and it was.

40:32

It was about electing him

40:35

that what we needed this was

40:37

two or three years before they elected him. That

40:39

what we needed was a

40:41

banana boat dictator. That was the story. It was the

40:43

daily show. Got it. And the lack of a

40:46

response there is freakish

40:48

and bad. So

40:50

so it was three years before he was

40:52

elected. You can't even go back that drug

40:54

girl. Could you possibly because fucking

40:56

that's what the thing was. And people left

40:58

it. You can still see it online. And was but

41:01

what occurred was is, apparently, he

41:03

really liked it and called

41:06

me up. And and so I but

41:08

III wasn't home, and I

41:10

thought, what wait. What's she

41:12

calling me for. And this is when

41:14

he had the apprentice. I said, I don't wanna

41:16

be on the fucking apprentice if that's why he's

41:18

calling. I don't wanna and I thought, what what did we

41:20

read? I don't wanna discuss it. And what

41:22

really got to me? because the

41:24

fact that he called then I

41:26

had my assistant at

41:27

that point call back and say, he's very

41:29

busy. My parents were coming

41:32

to town. that

41:32

week. And I was dealing with a bunch of shit, including doing

41:34

another gig on the Daily Show. I said, I

41:36

can't fucking talk to him. So then he called

41:38

back to you and his secretary, called back

41:42

again. I no. And by

41:44

the third

41:44

time, I said I said we're not don't

41:47

respond at all. Just we're

41:50

done. because because there was a level

41:52

at which they were calling in terms

41:54

of entitlement. I didn't

41:56

want him to feel entitled

41:59

because he called me, then I was gonna

42:01

fucking answer his phone. I live in

42:03

New York City. He'd been around me for

42:05

a long time. I knew who some

42:07

things about him that I didn't really wanna I

42:09

didn't wanna spend I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't wanna talk to him

42:11

about something

42:12

that I did on TV.

42:16

And so

42:19

it's it's it's so it

42:21

really was that was the only time that

42:23

it was it was that old

42:25

thing of like, oh, he really has to talk to

42:27

you. No. But no.

42:30

And if I and I'll tell

42:32

you this, like, If I took my mother

42:34

over to see him, that

42:36

would have been it for him. I

42:40

mean it. She she she crippled me enough so

42:42

that I went into comedy. I don't know what she would

42:44

have done to him.

42:48

For

42:49

Lawrence, Hartman, who this were a

42:51

couple of these. There were some people in their forties who wrote in.

42:53

I thought I'd put it here. And

42:55

Lawrence Hartman says, They were why

42:58

is the crowd tonight? Like the night of

43:00

the living dead? I've gotta be the only person

43:02

under the age

43:03

of ninety. And then there were

43:06

people in their forties who felt like they were the

43:08

youngest people in the room. And what I

43:10

will say is

43:12

is that you you really could, you

43:14

know, should I have turned

43:16

them away?

43:18

This is a I've been, you know,

43:21

up and down in terms of selling tickets. And

43:23

I've never that I know I've had a sold

43:25

out show here tonight. And I don't

43:28

give a fuck. I don't come out on stage and go,

43:30

gee, how old they? Fuck. I'm

43:32

not talking to them.

43:35

And so I'm just

43:36

thrilled that everybody came out

43:38

tonight. don't give them

43:40

a fuck. And

43:44

Lawrence, one day you'll be part of the night of

43:45

the living dead.

43:48

That's Eddie Nahoohui.

43:52

I'm in the

43:55

crowded center right now watching

43:58

you and the lady next to me smells like

44:02

shit. That's my

44:04

favorite parts of

44:06

this. This is

44:11

Deb DeMato.

44:14

I'm reading this, obviously, because she

44:16

bought tickets for the West Palm Show months and months

44:18

ago, but the flight prices to get there were so outrageous.

44:21

I just

44:21

couldn't swing it. I'm

44:24

sorry, Deb. Oh, the people

44:26

in Row

44:26

Q enjoyed the show.

44:30

But that's not my complaint today. I've

44:32

been a

44:34

massage therapist. for thirty three years now. And as it's now more

44:36

widely accepted, people no longer

44:38

think I'm a prostitute.

44:40

And more and more people have seen therapists on

44:42

a regular

44:44

basis. There is something they should know.

44:46

As we are trained to be

44:47

compassionate and kind, most

44:50

therapists won't say such

44:51

a thing out loud. but

44:53

I must have missed that day in

44:56

class. If you're

44:57

not wearing your

45:00

socks, your

45:01

feet, they stink Stake,

45:04

I tell

45:05

you, your feet. Yes,

45:07

yours. The holes in your

45:10

plastic shoes Don't let the odiferous

45:12

molecules escape into the atmosphere or air raid the

45:14

sweaty pores in

45:15

your feet as you

45:17

think they do. I also

45:19

work with horses who farted me and

45:22

crap next to where I stand, but

45:24

it's a brief annoyance as

45:26

barns are generally

45:28

well ventilated. then I have the opportunity to step away from the

45:30

words for a few moments. Where do

45:32

you think the stink of your

45:34

pet grows in

45:36

my small enclosed room, and where do you think I

45:38

go to avoid it? I'm sorry,

45:40

I tell you, I just don't

45:44

like working with feet. Really, they are quite hideous.

45:46

No one has nice feet,

45:48

but sometimes it's because

45:50

you're not wearing

45:52

socks. So

45:54

please, if

45:54

you're getting a massage, give your

45:56

feet a good washing and wear socks

45:59

the day you're

45:59

coming in. I'm sorry, she

46:02

couldn't make it

46:05

down here. This

46:08

is From

46:08

Mark Purcell, this is I'm reading this because of Lewis Take

46:11

Heart when you see all of those

46:13

glorious Christmas light displays.

46:16

Christmas lights, if this is true, were popularized by

46:19

Albert v Sedaka, a

46:21

Jewish immigrant from

46:24

Spain. who had a monopoly on them for many years.

46:26

So those of you celebrating in

46:28

Christmas can thank the Jews for

46:32

your lights. as well as for

46:34

your many of your songs. You're fucking

46:36

welcome.

46:36

This

46:42

is this is

46:45

no. Yeah. This was the other. Why are there so

46:47

many old people to grab center.

46:49

We're middle aged. This is from

46:51

Debbie Searssey. And with our real hair and tits

46:53

and some of the youngest

46:56

here. Wow,

46:58

Debbie. Why didn't you

47:00

bring

47:00

some friends? It's

47:04

really weird. I hadn't I've

47:06

got some money to so

47:08

Anne Baker. No. Let's

47:11

start with Laura Suter. Northern

47:13

is do not come to in

47:15

order to do not come to Florida and criticize our politics. If

47:18

you don't like it, go home.

47:20

We don't want

47:22

you here.

47:23

Alright.

47:30

I hope that got picked up by our mics out there.

47:32

That was really good.

47:34

Whatever that was. I don't

47:36

even know if it was four against, but it was

47:38

like,

47:39

And then

47:43

Anne

47:45

Baker, not in

47:47

response, but certainly, okay. So

47:49

we moved to Florida at the beginning of COVID

47:51

because my husband retired and we wanted

47:53

warm weather. Since being here, I've

47:56

become a hostile and

47:58

angry individual.

47:59

Why?

48:02

Because

48:02

I've been repeatedly assaulted

48:05

verbally by Floridians. Why?

48:08

Because I drive a two thousand

48:10

six Pontiac vibe with

48:12

a with a Biden for

48:15

president bumper sticker. several times

48:18

men have screamed, fuck you

48:20

and fuck Biden. One woman

48:22

blocked my car in the gym parking

48:24

lot. and screamed to me about how stupid I

48:27

was for voting for Biden. I had a

48:29

guy in a motorcycle tailgate me for miles

48:31

with his hand in the fuck

48:33

you position. This

48:34

place is

48:35

crazy. And by

48:38

the way, red

48:39

lights should just suggest

48:41

chins and signals are a sign of weakness in

48:44

the

48:45

state. Alright.

48:50

Now

48:51

that you all see how easy it is

48:53

to get together as a

48:55

people. I read

48:58

that stuff I read the thing about,

49:00

Northernish shouldn't come here. You don't want them around talking about the politics.

49:02

That's what happens to people

49:04

when they talk about their politics.

49:08

end, I read something about the way

49:10

the fuckers drive down here

49:12

and everyone

49:14

applauds together.

49:14

Seriously,

49:18

she said, I

49:18

used to be a much nicer person.

49:23

than it's only been two

49:26

years. From Ed

49:28

Champka, my local pet

49:30

peeve, false advertising

49:32

with community names.

49:34

I live about seven miles inland from the

49:36

ocean in this flat as a pancake state.

49:40

communities around me have names such as

49:42

Valencia Bay, Valencia Cove,

49:44

Canyon Springs, Canyon Lakes,

49:48

Venetian Isles, Valencia Shores.

49:50

Most of these are over fifty five

49:52

communities. The only honest one

49:54

I see is Journeys End.

50:06

Okay?

50:07

Paul Barnes, I love this one. I'm so glad this election

50:09

season is over. I made the

50:11

mistake of donating. Yes,

50:14

you did. My finger's

50:16

barely off the donate button and they're

50:18

asking for more. It's

50:20

obnoxious. They're worse than my

50:22

kids. We're running out of money. Really, what you do with

50:24

the ten bucks I just

50:25

gave you. I hope your strategy

50:27

goes beyond asking me for money

50:29

because otherwise you're fucked. I'd start

50:32

rethinking your strategy. and these guys

50:34

tell all

50:34

their friends. Do you know what's at stake in

50:36

Idaho? Oh, I don't know how I could.

50:38

I've never been to Idaho.

50:40

And then another

50:43

one responding.

50:44

Nancy Reel,

50:46

hey, don't New York my fucking

50:49

Florida. Dan

50:51

Torres buys a house here. Takes over my favorite restaurants. I

50:53

can't go anywhere during the season when

50:55

they leave during the

50:58

hurricane season. because they're

51:00

busies and complain

51:02

about my fucking governor.

51:04

Get the fuck out then.

51:07

Okay. I'm good

51:08

now. This

51:12

is

51:14

Tanya Ryder. Why are so many in the

51:17

US against socialism? I'm an

51:19

American who's living in Norway presently

51:21

and didn't spend a

51:23

dime for my twin birth. We don't have homeless people

51:25

on every corner, and we don't have to

51:27

worry about crime because everyone

51:30

contributes and is well taken

51:32

care of. listening to how

51:34

spectacular

51:34

the silence is. Do

51:37

you listen to how

51:39

the level of fucking it'd be

51:42

up. You just

51:43

literally use everybody in this mouth

51:45

in this fucking audience. Your

51:48

mouth's open

51:49

like Could it be

51:51

possible? Is there a hand? Do

51:53

they call it ours?

51:58

I

51:58

will tell you, I've been to Norway. My brother lived there. I've been

51:59

to Denmark. I've been to

52:02

Sweden. I've been to Finland.

52:04

There's also you you and they

52:06

have the same. They have arguments that

52:07

go on forever and ever and ever

52:09

about it. About socialism. But this

52:11

country

52:12

Lewis country worries about socialism.

52:15

not even close, not even in the

52:17

ballpark. Don't worry. We are continuing to continue

52:19

and I promise you this to have one

52:21

of the worst possible

52:23

ways for the worst health

52:26

insurance that you could possibly buy. We are gonna

52:28

provide that. We are gonna

52:30

make it continually impossible

52:32

for you to actually get

52:34

what would be something that would be important,

52:36

pre healthcare. Well, don't worry about

52:38

it. we're gonna fucking keep that

52:41

door locked so that you no

52:43

matter what sides you're on, we'll have

52:45

to wonder how the fuck you're gonna

52:47

pay for that

52:49

pancreatic cancer problem. Because

52:52

God gave it. I

52:54

don't wanna anybody involved

52:56

in that sort of a bitch. I wanna

52:58

pay AAA fucking health insurance

53:00

company. I'm gonna pay them, and

53:02

they're gonna get me fucking nothing.

53:06

I have fucking insurance

53:08

up the ass

53:09

and I get shit

53:10

for it. My god

53:13

damn it. And that's what we're

53:15

afraid of. We have enough money

53:17

to do it. We have enough

53:19

money to do it.

53:21

We have enough money to do

53:24

it. And I

53:27

really don't give a shit about the

53:29

rest of it, but that's vital. It's

53:31

it's killing people.

53:33

Okay. Bob

53:34

Kaye, the country of Florida welcomes you.

53:36

The only problem is You

53:38

also cannot be a lesbian gay bisexual, transsexual, queer,

53:41

Democratic, believer in reality, pro

53:43

vaccines against violence

53:46

rather rating public buildings and stealing secret documents.

53:48

So go home, you're a fuck.

53:51

And

53:55

this is the end. I'd

53:57

like to thank Bob Kaye and Kevin

53:59

Nick. I really

53:59

wanna thank all of you for

54:02

coming out.

54:03

And

54:11

Then I

54:13

do have a whole section about health

54:15

insurance that you'll be here and get my next

54:17

special. That I would have done tonight except I

54:19

got fucking distracted

54:21

by this bullshit. because I

54:24

was actually

54:26

I was treated in court

54:28

Ireland for a really severe case

54:32

of pneumonia. and

54:32

it was and I was it was a near death experience and it

54:35

was fucking phenomenal.

54:37

It was phenomenal.

54:41

And I'm gonna tell you this because

54:43

it's important to note that I know

54:45

that a lot of people who are afraid

54:47

of medicine over there, they have

54:49

equipment that is eerily similar to

54:52

ours.

54:52

This is from

54:55

Kevin Nicholas. I'll

54:57

end

54:57

with this. And

55:00

good evening, Lewis, and the

55:02

great team that you work with. Thank you

55:04

for your continued engagement with your

55:06

audience, allowing us to ramp about the

55:09

aggravation, the craziness, life in general. It really

55:11

is therapeutic. I especially appreciate

55:13

seeing you tonight. in this

55:15

now ridiculous ruby red political

55:18

South Florida, but that's a book of

55:20

brands that would probably give me a fucking

55:22

stroke to write. I've had

55:24

the pleasure of you reading my

55:26

frustrations about finding

55:27

bored shoes, which I remember,

55:29

and those pesky

55:30

clothes And another

55:32

one. The never ending cycle

55:34

of fucking colds. Thankfully,

55:38

we made it tonight. But ever since

55:40

September, it seems that

55:42

somebody in my household has had a

55:44

cough, a sore throat,

55:46

headache, where it just felt like shit in

55:48

general. I thought we were out

55:50

of the cycle, but then my wife said

55:52

she had a scratch. She threw it earlier

55:55

this week. Fuck. Even our dog

55:57

Henry, that furry little bastard developed a limp out of

55:59

nowhere. As if

56:02

to say, hey

56:04

assholes. I'm fucked up

56:06

too. For Christmas, everybody's

56:08

getting a giant bottle of nickel.

56:11

so we can all sleep slip into

56:13

a peaceful drug induced

56:16

coma. Happy holidays, Lewis, and

56:18

thanks for listening. Stay well. All of

56:20

you stay well.

56:21

We're coming

56:24

to

56:25

Orlando tomorrow at the

56:27

Hard Rock, and then be

56:29

Sunday in Sarasota send in your

56:32

rants. I deeply appreciate all of you

56:34

coming out this evening. It was a

56:36

pleasure. Thanks so much. We're coming to

56:38

you live tonight from Orlando,

56:40

Florida, from the Hard

56:41

Rock. And And

56:45

and I and

56:48

I and I love you, and we've had

56:51

an unbelievable time here.

56:53

This is a state This

56:55

is a state that is

56:58

it didn't IIIIIII

57:01

don't know how we will be reviewing. It's There

57:03

is nowhere that I perform where

57:05

there's they're just I get it in

57:07

the branch that I get.

57:10

No. Stop.

57:10

I told you, they they nowhere I go where there is

57:12

a division like here. I there's

57:14

nowhere. You you folks are really the

57:18

but cutting edge of whatever the fuck is going

57:20

on.

57:21

But

57:26

it but it is really I'm

57:28

serious. Every time I perform,

57:30

I learn something. And tonight,

57:34

who it's gonna take a

57:36

week

57:37

to figure it out. We begin

57:39

with this, Eric Bonan,

57:42

My girlfriend's mom went over her phone today

57:45

and found out we

57:48

do anal. What

57:50

should we do when

57:52

we

57:53

see her later

57:56

on tonight?

57:59

That's

58:02

that's Lewis is why I do

58:06

this. is the kind of sharing

58:08

that some people are willing to do is spectacular.

58:11

Ain't no is

58:14

an interesting What you do

58:16

and this is really simple. You

58:18

you tell her it was the

58:21

a problem with spell check. What

58:26

you'd meant to say is we

58:28

do it on an

58:30

annual basis. Are

58:34

you coming back

58:38

for inside out

58:42

too?

58:42

Yes. I

58:44

did the the

58:47

first readings of the

58:50

script, I did the first real run through

58:53

of the first script through the whatever

58:55

draft that they're on.

59:00

and it will be

59:00

coming out in twenty twenty four. It

59:02

takes something you

59:03

should know. When you wonder

59:06

if you if you like

59:08

Pixar's stuff, The reason it's

59:10

as good as it is is

59:12

because it takes them five years

59:14

to make one of those

59:17

movies. five

59:18

years. So there are

59:21

a number of new emotions in

59:23

this one, and I think

59:25

that they've got I

59:28

think they're off to a really good start and

59:30

I'm thrilled to be a part of it.

59:32

And that allows me

59:34

to maintain my I get in line first status. at

59:36

somebody. Like, that is the sickest

59:38

thing I've ever seen in an audience.

59:42

Someone actually has the inside out dog,

59:45

and that freakish

59:47

at best. And and

59:51

and to have it look back at me. I

59:54

It's almost like I feel like I'm

59:56

I'm peeing in front

59:58

of people. That

1:00:00

is bizarre. That's wow.

1:00:02

But it's I think it's gonna be

1:00:04

good and it and it allows me to

1:00:07

to go to Disney World and get to the

1:00:09

front of the line. So,

1:00:12

you know, that's that's the

1:00:14

big perk. And whenever you see those

1:00:16

things like that doll there tonight, you'd think,

1:00:18

wow, I bet he's rolling in it.

1:00:21

We don't get a dime. No. Yeah.

1:00:23

Nothing. But it's it's well worth it. I

1:00:25

don't care. What they say they give

1:00:27

us is immortality. and

1:00:29

I say, I want really

1:00:32

immortality.

1:00:32

oh

1:00:35

Do this is

1:00:37

we had this discussion earlier. I mean,

1:00:39

it's gonna bring this up from the audience

1:00:42

member. I put this in before we had

1:00:44

the discussion.

1:00:45

Don Swift says, what's up with our

1:00:48

asshole governor? Sending immigrants

1:00:50

from Texas, not even Florida.

1:00:53

to Martha's vineyard with our taxpayers'

1:00:56

money. I need the money for my

1:00:58

homeowner's insurance that has

1:01:00

doubled over the last two

1:01:06

years.

1:01:10

And

1:01:11

in a a different mode,

1:01:13

do I? This is from

1:01:15

Travis. Robertson, do I or don't

1:01:17

I? Bang my ultra

1:01:20

lesbian neighbor.

1:01:20

What if

1:01:24

she snitches me out? please

1:01:27

give professional advice. Well,

1:01:30

here's here's some

1:01:32

professional advice.

1:01:34

Lesbian implies

1:01:38

she doesn't really wanna

1:01:40

fuck guys. Okay?

1:01:42

I mean, that's

1:01:44

pretty simple. So so,

1:01:46

Travis, you may wanna back off. Ultra

1:01:51

lesbian means, but

1:01:54

not on your life travel.

1:01:57

And what if

1:01:59

she

1:01:59

snitches you out?

1:02:02

It's

1:02:02

it's there's something about this that

1:02:04

sounds just a

1:02:05

little creepy travis. But and that's

1:02:07

my

1:02:07

professional advice. I I

1:02:10

have never

1:02:12

ever

1:02:13

I I just I've

1:02:16

I've actually never seen

1:02:18

the word. I've kept looking at it. Whether I was

1:02:20

gonna read it or not, I said, I'm gonna

1:02:22

just read it that I've never because never seen the

1:02:25

words ultra and lesbian together.

1:02:28

It's almost like a lesbian

1:02:30

with superpowers.

1:02:35

Interesting enough

1:02:36

last night, I had

1:02:38

a ton of things written about folks

1:02:42

in the audience were very upset that

1:02:44

when New Yorkers were moving and

1:02:46

people from the north and from

1:02:48

parts of the country, were moving to

1:02:50

Florida and fucking things

1:02:52

up. You know, that people were yelling about that.

1:02:54

I got this I know. I

1:02:56

got it. Yep. Right. I really

1:02:59

would

1:02:59

love to know

1:03:01

how many people who wrote last

1:03:03

night had actually lived in Florida for more

1:03:05

than ten years. So

1:03:06

This is from Kelly Bailen. I'm

1:03:08

sick of seeing the population grow here

1:03:11

in Florida daily. Not because

1:03:12

of the weather or a famous mouth,

1:03:14

but because we house Trump and

1:03:16

have psychotic, narcissistic governor.

1:03:19

It got governor DeSantis.

1:03:21

Then extremists follow like a cult. When do we get a

1:03:23

wall built to keep out the

1:03:25

close minded gun toting jackass as

1:03:27

to a

1:03:32

Can we find the new red

1:03:34

residents do another state?

1:03:36

I don't know, no, no, no stop.

1:03:39

I told you nobody can hear you. You said shut up.

1:03:42

Okay? Somebody wrote it.

1:03:44

They're from the audience. They had the

1:03:46

courage to write something

1:03:48

down. So allow them to hear

1:03:50

folks to hear what they said. Okay?

1:03:54

The point that I was making

1:03:57

by reading this was

1:03:59

said, there was

1:04:00

a group last night

1:04:03

that said it had to do with people from other

1:04:05

parts of the country ruling it because they

1:04:07

were a lot of them were from

1:04:09

the north. In this, is saying

1:04:12

that no, it's the

1:04:14

opposite. That's why I'm

1:04:16

saying, your state has to figure it to

1:04:18

fuck out. Either you're getting people from red areas

1:04:20

or blue areas, but whatever it

1:04:22

is, you disagree on that too.

1:04:24

It's unbelievable.

1:04:28

is Lewis.

1:04:31

Mike

1:04:31

Inkin, as I get that

1:04:33

right, what are we gonna do

1:04:35

about president poopie pants? Seriously, the

1:04:37

guy's a fucking train wreck. It's like

1:04:39

watching looney tunes every single time that's

1:04:41

an soul is

1:04:44

on TV. How is it possible eighty four million

1:04:46

morons voted for this

1:04:48

clown? Here's how?

1:04:50

And it's pretty simple. and

1:04:54

it's it's not too difficult. You know the

1:04:56

answer?

1:04:57

He was

1:05:00

running against president Trump. He was running against

1:05:02

Donald Trump. That's why he

1:05:04

won. He won because

1:05:06

the nation

1:05:08

in part I believe

1:05:10

was tired

1:05:12

of of of the kind

1:05:14

of stuff that was coming out

1:05:16

of Donald's mouth. were looking

1:05:19

through someone who was

1:05:21

empathetic. And so they

1:05:24

picked him Do I think that

1:05:26

was a great choice? Would it know?

1:05:28

Do I think either of them were great

1:05:30

choices? Would it be no? I have

1:05:32

never had anybody running for office that

1:05:34

I'm fucking like. ever. So I'm always kind of

1:05:36

stunned. And the reason

1:05:38

that he became

1:05:40

the president, Donald Trump

1:05:42

did was

1:05:44

because he was running against Hillary Clinton. That's the

1:05:46

whole way this whole fucking thing works.

1:05:48

That's the way it works.

1:05:51

People didn't want Hillary. They wouldn't have fuck that. I

1:05:53

don't want Hillary. I want him. And

1:05:55

next go around, good

1:05:58

fuck luck. And it and it I I just think

1:05:59

unbelievable to me. Why?

1:06:02

America, at this point, literally,

1:06:06

We're so tired of everything going on that they wanted a

1:06:09

grandpa. That's what they wanted.

1:06:11

They wanted. Somebody is gonna

1:06:13

come in and say, It's

1:06:15

gonna be alright. Everything's good. I

1:06:18

have to take a

1:06:20

poopy

1:06:20

now. And

1:06:26

the other reason

1:06:28

I don't think people can really really

1:06:30

in the end bitch

1:06:34

about him. You because you can't

1:06:37

hear him. You can't he

1:06:40

talks about, no. You say

1:06:42

that. Like, So

1:06:44

I don't know what it is that you're

1:06:46

hearing, but it's so fucking disturbing.

1:06:50

because when he's on, I gotta put those fucking closed captions

1:06:54

on.

1:06:55

Scott Morningstar, what is with

1:06:57

people who

1:06:57

eat seafood?

1:07:00

I used to wait tables that these fuckers would come in and order

1:07:03

fish for their dinner. Then they would bitch

1:07:05

about it tasting too fucking

1:07:08

fishy. What the fuck?

1:07:10

You ordered fish? You wanted to

1:07:12

taste like a pile of shit

1:07:15

No one ever said

1:07:18

the chicken is too picky

1:07:20

or the steak is

1:07:22

too beefy. But

1:07:24

order fish in a guarantee some fuck

1:07:26

would send it back because it was too fishy.

1:07:28

I can't wrap my head around

1:07:30

it. This

1:07:31

is

1:07:37

a good one. This is from Lending in.

1:07:39

She's hi, Lewis. I'm here at your show in Orlando

1:07:41

with my husband and our best friends. Traveled all the way

1:07:43

from Atlantic Canada to see you live.

1:07:46

Well, thank

1:07:48

you. Just found out today my husband is a member of your fuck

1:07:50

you fan club. That's the name

1:07:52

of my fan club. Fuck you. And

1:07:54

we could have been sitting in the first ten

1:07:58

rows. but no. We're up

1:08:00

here in the fucking balcony. What a cheap

1:08:02

bastard.

1:08:03

If

1:08:07

you go if

1:08:10

you go to

1:08:12

Lewis

1:08:13

black dot Black's, If you if

1:08:15

you join the paying club, what it allows you to do

1:08:17

is actually get the seats. It allows us

1:08:19

to beat Ticketmaster. That's

1:08:22

what it's there for. Since it allows you

1:08:25

to to not get scalp and talk to

1:08:27

a real human being, then we

1:08:29

get you tickets at the

1:08:31

price and it being and there's some

1:08:33

other perks to it, so it's

1:08:35

worth checking into. You're welcome. Well, you better

1:08:37

you know, I'm really I'm really

1:08:40

sorry, Lynn. That

1:08:42

son of a bitch. He owes you a better Christmas

1:08:44

present.

1:08:44

Lewis

1:08:48

is

1:08:50

from almost over the hill. I'm

1:08:52

just gonna read the end. The

1:08:55

the I almost forgot the

1:08:57

company I worked for, got over

1:08:59

six figures. during the pandemic. Thankfully, never needed to use it,

1:09:01

but was given the loan. And they said,

1:09:03

we're told that they didn't need

1:09:06

to pay it back. What the

1:09:08

fuck? that happened

1:09:10

in a lot of places where they got money and didn't have to pay the loan back. It's

1:09:16

ridiculous. Okay? But the

1:09:18

the reason I read this is because it's side note, Venezuelan plus years

1:09:20

loves how much

1:09:23

you say fuck. I'm

1:09:25

throwing this in so I might get

1:09:27

lucky tonight.

1:09:31

Michael

1:09:35

Norton, when people are talking about

1:09:37

inflation,

1:09:38

how come no one talks about

1:09:42

corporate profits? being at a seven year high.

1:09:44

G. Michael, I don't know.

1:09:46

Then that's why the word

1:09:48

fuck was created. I

1:09:49

leave you with this back to

1:09:52

back. And before I

1:09:54

Lewis is Wendy

1:09:56

Hubert, Visiting

1:09:59

Orlando for your show from

1:09:59

Indiana. It's seventy degrees out.

1:10:02

People have pants and coats

1:10:04

on. Me,

1:10:07

shorts and sandals, what pussy

1:10:10

is.

1:10:10

Then I finish with

1:10:13

this, and I wanna

1:10:15

thank you all

1:10:16

coming

1:10:19

out, and and I

1:10:21

deeply

1:10:22

appreciate it.

1:10:23

And for those of you who I

1:10:26

upset, I can guarantee you're gonna get over

1:10:28

it. and I can guarantee you

1:10:30

this. Don't write to my goddamn Twitter page. I'll just block your fucking ass. Right.

1:10:34

What

1:10:37

I say

1:10:38

up what I what what I say up year, you have to realize

1:10:40

I am working

1:10:43

on an act that

1:10:47

will eventually reach fruition. And

1:10:49

if something upset you,

1:10:51

you realize that you do not

1:10:53

know what I am. You have

1:10:55

no idea if I'm a conservative or a

1:10:57

liberal. I am tired of

1:10:59

getting shit in my

1:11:01

emails because you're a

1:11:04

liberal now. So I don't wanna see you. Okay. Well,

1:11:06

that's what you think. You don't know exactly or have any clue

1:11:09

as to what the fuck I think.

1:11:11

doing up here. It's based in part on a lot

1:11:14

of what I believe in, but that doesn't

1:11:16

mean you know

1:11:18

what the fuck I'm

1:11:20

about. Merry

1:11:32

Christmas.

1:11:35

Dave Andrews. Okay.

1:11:37

Stop. I get I

1:11:40

get Dave writes

1:11:42

a a number of

1:11:44

times it

1:11:46

has written a number of times to me. And

1:11:49

he too has come

1:11:51

down from Canada. And Lewis

1:11:53

is Hi, Lewis. The four of us

1:11:55

from Atlantic Canada traveled sixteen hundred miles to

1:11:58

be you show here in Orlando.

1:11:59

Thank you. And now I

1:12:02

know you were in Waterfield, Maine just in September. And logically, that would have made one

1:12:04

hell of a lot

1:12:07

more sense. For us, to

1:12:10

drive four hours to see you there. But

1:12:12

for some unknown reason, they decided

1:12:14

to ram the hotel prices so far

1:12:16

up your ass. that it tickles your

1:12:19

fucking tonsils. So here we are in sunny Florida just to see you and not

1:12:21

to see that six

1:12:23

foot fucking rat that

1:12:26

everybody gets a hard on over. And

1:12:29

on the topic of

1:12:31

all the fucking snowflakes

1:12:33

that call Florida home, stop

1:12:35

fucking dressing like it's wedder. We left our

1:12:37

home in Saint John New

1:12:40

Brunswick on

1:12:42

Monday