0:02

This could all go

0:05

horribly wrong in any way. Hello

0:08

there and welcome to the

0:10

161st edition, that's right, of

0:13

Lewis Black's rant cast in

0:15

title beyond insane,

0:18

beyond cray cray. Yes,

0:22

that's all I got this week in terms

0:24

of, I don't, I've sat here wracked my

0:26

brain for a title, okay, and I

0:28

don't even know how to describe because it's catch

0:30

up with stuff that I've missed and the

0:34

pile of nonsense grows higher and higher

0:36

and we have, we are, I

0:39

don't know what is beyond insane or

0:41

if there's a cray cray to the

0:43

50th power. I just love saying cray

0:46

cray. Let me first

0:48

off say that the

0:50

161st edition, which

0:52

I said was last week was not the 161st, it

0:56

was the 160th, this is the 161st

0:59

and I'd also like

1:01

to say that I would, I

1:05

actually said the Happy Valentine's Day,

1:07

which was a glitch last week,

1:09

but for those of

1:11

you who celebrated and who got

1:13

things that they shouldn't have got

1:16

at Christmas and it

1:18

was warm where you were and it was

1:20

really great for you to get those gifts,

1:23

I am really happy. I

1:26

couldn't be happier for you, so enjoy

1:29

please and I

1:32

hope it was just the best Valentine's

1:34

Day ever and you got little candies

1:36

that don't give

1:38

you cavities and all sorts of stuff,

1:40

all sorts of that wonderful Valentine's Day

1:42

stuff. Hello, just wanted to

1:44

catch up on the places I'll be performing.

1:47

On February 23rd, heading

1:49

back finally to Chesterfield, Missouri,

1:51

just outside of St.

1:57

Louis or so they tell me And

1:59

I will be. Appearing at. The

2:01

factory. They are. Followed. By February twenty

2:03

fourth at the Diamond in the rough.

2:05

But A and it is truly a.

2:08

Springfield. Missouri, I will be

2:10

at the Gilliam Theater ending it

2:12

up Finally on February twenty five,

2:14

the end of that run. In.

2:17

Omaha, another place it is been too

2:19

long since I've been here. Been there.

2:22

I'll beat the Steel House and up.

2:24

I'll. Be on the Titan Tyler show

2:26

in the studio following that show

2:29

on Monday so that will be

2:31

the Twenty six. Looking forward to

2:33

all those shows. Also, just a

2:35

if you're really looking into the

2:37

future and say gee, where can

2:39

I raced to if I have

2:41

to walk, let's say you four

2:43

hundred miles over the next few

2:45

weeks. It's Mob Bread Bank New

2:48

Jersey on March eighth said The

2:50

Hackensack Meridian Health Theater Wilkes Barre,

2:52

Pennsylvania on March ninth that the

2:54

Fm. Kirby Center for the

2:56

Performing Arts ending up in

2:58

Manhole Pennsylvania mean that's on

3:00

March tenth. At. The Carnegie

3:03

of Homestead Music call A

3:05

and.i will be heading toward

3:07

Europe and may. Please.

3:09

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4:46

We are in the midst of lunacy.

4:50

I'm tired. Of

4:52

we do to do is to are so. We're

4:58

We're We're just. Making

5:00

yourself much or medium weather makes

5:02

as much. As. You

5:04

used to say it's gonna snow leopard

5:07

skin snow five inches. It's not going

5:09

to be, you know? tomato? Know.

5:12

But. Trauma. It is nothing to public

5:14

school in snow nine inches in

5:17

a lot of places. About

5:19

ten inches. you know they just

5:22

have to stop that. This is

5:24

it because now we go. There

5:26

are one hundred and forty six

5:28

million people who will be on

5:30

darling of from months pressure of

5:32

a weather system that is just

5:34

so psychotics it's gonna come atoms

5:36

and I'm a be a billion

5:39

bucks behind them. That's not my

5:41

thoughts that people hits. The real

5:43

bad? Blood sucking bad, that's right.

5:45

Snow followed by batch followed by

5:48

giant red to I mean. What

5:51

does it take? For. These

5:53

people. To. just tell us

5:55

what the weather is you need to

5:58

bring our roka on the t You

6:00

need to have these every

6:02

six minutes of emergency

6:04

emergency. They've got to

6:06

just quit Okay,

6:09

then I get on the phone call my friends who were

6:11

in the place where it happened just recently

6:14

in in my friends in Los

6:16

Angeles And there

6:18

was apparently, you know the rainstorm and

6:20

it was awful and it did affect

6:22

some people some people

6:25

Okay, and it certainly screwed up a lot of

6:27

people's lives I get it, but I

6:29

call my friends because I'm worried about them and they go

6:31

well, you know, it was really just it

6:33

was raining So, you

6:35

know, they just have to quit

6:38

making everything is

6:40

awful a scenario as possible

6:42

the levels of conjecture of nonsense

6:48

It's some point I thought about calling this

6:52

You know fear of the present which is what we

6:54

seem to do We want to be as just

6:56

as afraid but I'm gonna say that Because

6:59

it'll come back shortly by the probably

7:01

by next week When

7:03

I don't have a title, you know,

7:06

or when I call it cray cray cray cray

7:08

to the 200th power.

7:10

I mean look You

7:12

have a group of people in Congress

7:15

have been shrinking along

7:17

with the The

7:20

former president you know the

7:23

the 83 million

7:25

dollar man and he's been screaming about

7:27

the ghost of Christmas past at the White House

7:30

and he's not doing what he should be Doing

7:32

to secure our border where you only care about

7:34

the Ukrainian border. Well, that's part of our border

7:36

to you schmucks Okay

7:39

and it ends You

7:42

know you and and we can

7:44

actually do something there down they

7:46

did but we apparently can't do

7:48

anything on

7:50

our on our border because

7:54

Why because the people who wanted things done

7:56

on their border and then they were told

7:58

by the ghost of Christmas past they could

8:00

have what they would have on a borders

8:03

and then the. That. Those

8:05

on the the Progressives and the Democratic

8:07

Party go. but no, you can't do

8:09

that will. They gave them everything they

8:12

wanted. Everything. Apparently from what I

8:14

can tell from what I'm being told from what

8:16

I've read from what I see in the palm

8:18

when they see on the screen. When.

8:20

I see in the newspaper. Everything.

8:22

Everything. It's a fucking one. It.

8:25

They. Got. There. They

8:27

would and then know. The.

8:29

The eighty Three million No means

8:32

no. Don't don't vote for that.

8:34

It's terrible. It's very one. It.

8:37

It's. Pretty much his bill from what I can

8:39

gather from what I've read from what I

8:41

saw on the T Good Medicine game against

8:43

It is. It's.

8:46

What he wanted and he simply you know you

8:48

care about for this because of the above. For

8:50

this I'm gonna get rid of some the sorry

8:52

if you both for this. It's a

8:54

it's really it's it's going to make

8:56

gate your i gotta run on it

8:59

will Who Who the fuck. Seriously.

9:02

When. You've got to deal with

9:04

a problem and you been screaming

9:07

about the problem and everybody's now

9:09

worried about the problem. Because.

9:12

That's what we do now. We just

9:14

worry about Puck and everything. And

9:16

you told you know over and over

9:19

again. Just in all you've shown pictures

9:21

things that are just madness. And.

9:24

The and then they can't get

9:26

enough was showing people feel of

9:28

migrants doing things that are awful

9:30

or migrants who were being screwed

9:32

over migrants who are who you

9:34

know. but it gets the it's

9:36

just as endless loop. And

9:39

is so They came up with

9:41

what was essentially awaited to deal

9:43

with it. And a. And.

9:47

They voted against it. Here's.

9:49

What you want. Everything

9:52

you want. We're. Going

9:54

to give it to you and they voted against

9:56

it. I mean, I don't even know

9:58

what to say. It. that's.

10:01

That's. Beyond in say. It.

10:03

Really is. In

10:06

the people who voted for the breed

10:08

one of the guys and gives Langford

10:10

i guess is his name but. Apparently

10:13

voted against it. I I'd have

10:15

to look that up but that's

10:17

would be was saying he he

10:19

helped form the bill. And.

10:21

Then boats Against is it. How do

10:23

you come up with the bill? That

10:26

you want and then boat against

10:28

the build he wanted I in

10:30

the history of our governance. But.

10:34

I don't believe that have occurred. I

10:36

I don't think it's ever possibly correct,

10:39

because normally when you come up with

10:41

some sort of the bipartisan agreement, you

10:43

move on and everybody's happy. And

10:46

does. Indeed, the nobody was

10:48

gonna be totally happy about this. That's

10:50

for sure the real problems. Earned

10:53

a bubbly still have to be dealt with

10:55

but leap the but don't even if even

10:57

if the was pace but we didn't passes

10:59

and I would get these problems and they're

11:01

gonna blame it on each other. It's. It's.

11:05

And you can't blame it on each other because

11:07

they gave you what you want. And.

11:09

Once again, that. The. Ghost of

11:11

Christmas past will be able to explain that

11:14

to the American people because they can't hear

11:16

him because he was beat up. And

11:19

down. It's not loud enough.

11:22

Or which is part of the problem that

11:24

seen as his health plan which then again

11:26

they have a judge come in and he's

11:28

got three to forty seven pages. The India

11:31

Boys A you know he doesn't remember his.

11:33

Kids. Birthday or whatever I mean

11:35

it. Or. When it when

11:37

both died I mean what

11:39

Is this? And

11:41

the other one is that you calling

11:44

a Nikki Haley? Nancy Pelosi. I mean

11:46

I got to about. We.

11:49

Have to album. And.

11:51

They can't find the kid are

11:53

people who were present. Were.

11:56

Gone back in Time. Literally.

11:58

back in time. To

12:00

Run this the of run this movie

12:02

again. Because. One

12:05

of them thing she got screwed. What?

12:07

he didn't get screwed and the other

12:09

one thinks that he is gonna fix

12:11

everything. Case. She's.

12:15

It is. It's it's blistering. In.

12:17

It's insanity blustery,

12:21

It That's a word you could use with

12:23

insanity. And. The and

12:25

then. I just if

12:27

that's not enough, they're worried about yeah

12:30

Kelsey and tell us what that they

12:32

think at it and these people who

12:34

ever comes up with this shit is

12:36

getting up to find them. And

12:39

they have to take them to some

12:41

sort of them. It's a mental institution

12:43

in which they are guided back to

12:45

reality. T You can't sit

12:47

around making shit up and throwing it out.

12:50

There is if it's real. K We

12:52

don't have time anymore. It's

12:54

bad enough that we take some it's real and

12:56

make it seem like it's going be worse. Than

12:59

we don't know. You. Might want

13:01

to tell us it's some point during it or

13:04

whatever, but not before screaming about. You know Wilds

13:06

can be there for about. I'm going to be

13:08

that way. We were up. It

13:12

was supposed to stop them. That gonna. The.

13:14

Conspiracy is is the dumb.

13:18

That the public romance between

13:20

but. It Taylor Swift

13:23

in the Isn't. Travis.

13:25

Go see. A. Is a

13:28

Pentagon sigh op. Ed

13:30

I would have a that is. I don't know when I'm

13:32

not looking it up. The. Sprawling cabal

13:35

of deep state globalist encompassing

13:37

the what he does, George

13:39

Soros who is this guy

13:42

elected President, Disease and Bob

13:44

and everything. Everything. To

13:46

be every conspiracy every. he's got

13:48

so much money he just throwing

13:50

it it. Every election he shows

13:53

up is always behind the scenes.

13:55

He is. The. Equivalent

13:57

job but the eighty three million

13:59

dollars. This is the he

14:01

is the. You. Know the

14:04

he is the Wizard of Oz to

14:06

the the left in dirt and he's

14:08

in Bob and the National Football League,

14:10

The White House or has and then

14:13

I should probably all got together. The

14:15

National Football League Got together with George

14:17

Soros. Who. I'm wondering

14:19

if he ever saw game

14:21

supposedly engineered the cheat Super

14:23

Bowl run. To. Lend.

14:26

More. Have to the power Couples

14:29

presumed twenty twenty four doors with.

14:32

A president and by. Seriously.

14:36

That. They got together. And

14:39

they headache and and an

14:41

array of it's beyond belief.

14:45

That that they would have. Won

14:48

I won A Superbowl Boy that yet?

14:50

Now let's vote for Bidens. What it

14:53

now? people? Just we can't even tell

14:55

people about. K.

14:59

You. Know this is legendary romance that's

15:01

out there, and then again, it

15:03

could just. They. Do

15:05

as it is. But what

15:07

about the a conspiracy to

15:09

destroy every sporting about the

15:11

country by by having on

15:13

all sorts and nonsense and

15:15

bullshit and banter that is

15:17

meaningless. You. Know there was

15:20

suggested that fucking Superbowl last fucking

15:22

a week and a half. The.

15:25

Kid salmon of shit interface.

15:28

You. Know play the game, Okay,

15:31

You get you do everything you

15:33

can to make books. would leave

15:35

me want to turn it off.

15:37

The just is a it's It's

15:39

a good, there's no way to

15:41

fight it. You. Know.

15:44

It was in this boy oh boy. I've

15:46

got another story to throw. Your let's go

15:48

to Travis and not. And terror

15:50

that obese up now we can look at

15:52

rather than the game. You.

15:54

Know and then bringing coaches at the

15:56

talk to him. Stop it. They.

15:59

Don't need that. Basketball,

16:01

baseball, football, stop it!

16:04

Hockey. Quit

16:06

with this bullshit nonsense. Stick

16:09

with the game, alright? That's

16:11

what we're there to watch. Advertising a

16:14

game while we're watching a game and

16:16

we're already watching the game. Okay?

16:20

And then we've got to create, everybody's

16:22

got to come up with a personality

16:24

now. I don't care. You

16:27

know, some of them have personalities, some of them

16:29

don't. You're putting these people on the spot. They

16:32

entertain us. They do more than entertain

16:35

us. They work their fucking asses off to

16:37

reach the peak of their game and

16:40

then we go, you know, couldn't you

16:42

be charming? You know, fuck

16:44

this. God, it's just...

16:47

I'm flabbergasted by all of it. Just

16:53

stunned and irritated

16:55

and I can't get over it.

16:59

And

17:01

it's beyond anything I've ever imagined

17:04

is possible. My

17:06

father, as he grew older, lost interest

17:08

in sports and I

17:10

always wondered what and why and

17:12

I think that may have been part

17:14

of it too. But it was

17:16

a lot simpler and became more and more about the

17:19

glitz and the glamour than it did

17:21

about the game itself. And

17:24

because the game is really

17:26

a lot of them. I

17:28

mean, there's an

17:31

epicness now to...

17:34

Like you go 20 years back,

17:36

there's an epicness now to what

17:38

they're capable of. What they're

17:40

capable of is epic. And

17:43

epicness, I guess, is a word that

17:45

I just made up. Meanwhile, the 83

17:47

million dollar man decides that

17:49

he's at a campaign rally just to

17:51

spew some stuff out that'll get applause

17:54

because we have

17:56

a good chunk of the American people who don't

17:58

seem to know that any... occurred until

18:00

he showed up and so there is

18:03

no history. There is no past. NATO

18:06

did nothing. There wasn't a

18:08

war in Europe. We don't need to

18:10

worry because Russia is there to protect

18:12

us. Unbelievable. He told

18:16

the president of a big, I love

18:18

it, big, big NATO country, as

18:20

opposed to the small ones they're not. You know,

18:24

that if that country didn't pay its

18:26

bills, he would

18:28

not protect that country from a

18:30

Russian invasion and would even encourage

18:32

Russia to do whatever the hell

18:34

they want. What? Are you serious?

18:38

You know, what planet are

18:40

you on? Come down.

18:43

Earth to 83 million. Earth

18:45

to 83 million. Stop it. And then

18:47

the people around him say, well, you

18:49

know, it's a negotiating table. He's not

18:51

negotiating. Okay? What

18:54

he's doing is opening a door that does not need

18:56

to be opened. At all. You

19:00

know, I mean, he's what,

19:02

what, God, what

19:05

does it take for these people

19:07

standing on the sidelines to, you know,

19:09

look, I get it. You like him? Great.

19:11

But at least, you know, put

19:14

your foot down about certain things. And this

19:16

is certainly one of them so

19:18

that you can separate the bill, the border bill,

19:20

and now we got to worry about whether they're

19:22

going to come up with the money for the

19:24

Ukraine, who inevitably are being told,

19:27

we are being told over and over

19:29

and over again that they're

19:31

the ones who are doing the fighting for us. And

19:33

they are. So for

19:35

God's sake, get it together. All

19:38

right? Just because he doesn't

19:40

want to spend time wandering around

19:42

Europe because he doesn't think

19:44

it's important. What? God.

19:48

Because he wants to spend

19:50

time in Mar-a-Lago. He's 77.

19:53

Ballgame's over. Okay? Everybody

19:55

seems to think he's gonna, he's gonna live to 130.

20:00

You know, the other one's gonna drop dead, they say.

20:02

Who knows? I don't know, I

20:04

don't care, they're both too old. Let's move on. Okay?

20:08

Jesus. It's

20:11

just extraordinary to me that

20:13

we live like this and that

20:16

we have to put up with this and then you

20:18

have people defending that nonsense. He doesn't

20:20

really mean it. And as I

20:22

repeat again, when does he mean anything then?

20:24

Okay? Did he mean?

20:27

He was only kidding when he was grabbing puts.

20:29

You know, at some point, some

20:31

of this stuff coming out of his mouth, I

20:34

don't care anymore. Okay?

20:37

You wanna run him, you run him, but

20:39

you have to discipline people who

20:41

fucking have crossed the line and

20:44

are spewing nonsense in front of our

20:46

children and have no sense of history,

20:48

none, or what our

20:50

military does, or gives a

20:52

shit. Yeah. All right, I'm

20:54

gonna stop. I'm not, this isn't funny.

20:57

I know it's not funny. I'm gonna be writing,

20:59

it's not funny. Okay, well, I get it. All

21:02

right, I'm telling you. Then,

21:04

but let's wrap this up because I'm too

21:06

angry to go on. And

21:09

Tucker Carlson, former

21:12

Fox News host Tucker Carlson traveled

21:14

to Moscow to interview, you know

21:16

this, he went to interview Putin.

21:19

The Kremlin said it denied

21:22

many interviews requests from Anglo-Saxon

21:24

media, Anglo-Saxon media, but

21:26

get Carlson denied because his position

21:29

is different. Yeah, he's sucking up.

21:34

Okay, it's extraordinary. Goes

21:36

over there, not one hardball question.

21:39

Sitting and you get the interview and

21:42

you let him spew. Okay? You

21:45

know, it's just extraordinary. I

21:47

hope they paid him a lot. I really do. Then

21:50

I get it. Then it's

21:52

understandable. Okay? How

21:55

does this shit happen? But

22:00

he didn't, I mean, it completely

22:03

undermines journalism on levels

22:05

that it's you

22:07

could it's

22:10

like just

22:13

like there are no words. Some

22:17

of the empty

22:19

nesters, some of whom are so

22:21

despondent about their children

22:24

leaving for college, they are now employing,

22:28

listen to this $250

22:30

an hour counselors

22:32

to help them adapt to life

22:34

alone. I

22:39

mean, if you're by yourself, I can get it

22:41

maybe a single parent, but

22:43

if you're in a couple, this is

22:45

a book, I don't have children, and

22:48

I'm, you know, single. But,

22:52

and so but you know, maybe you think, well, I

22:54

can't come up, but you know, if you're a couple,

22:56

and one

23:00

would think that this would

23:03

be, you know, now you can get on

23:05

like I am retiring in order to get

23:07

on with things I wanted to do. And

23:11

they would. $250 an hour, that's

23:14

a lot of change to be spending

23:19

with someone who's going

23:23

to help you is it's these these

23:25

parents need degree, they're alive, the kids

23:27

are alive. Said

23:30

Los Angeles based empty

23:32

nest coach Natalie Kane. How

23:36

do you what's what is the requirements

23:40

becoming an empty nest coach? Don't

23:43

tell me we have way too

23:45

much money. If

23:47

that's what we're spending it on. That

23:49

a couple does not know what to do next, that

23:52

they that they're lost

23:54

without their children. Okay, I can guarantee

23:56

you this, the kids are not lost

23:58

without them. And

24:00

it's that simple. God,

24:02

what is the, we are cray cray,

24:04

cray cray cray cray cray. And that

24:06

is individually as a

24:09

country, as a neighborhood, as

24:12

a two-party system, as any possible way you

24:14

can look at it, we are. We,

24:17

I don't know where, what

24:19

the next step is beyond insanity. And

24:23

if, and if microdosing,

24:25

you can bring people back, it

24:28

is beyond belief. And

24:31

meanwhile, the, oh, there's that. The

24:33

state of Michigan has agreed to

24:35

pay a $13 million settlement to

24:37

patients and staff terrorized by an

24:39

unannounced active shooter drill at

24:42

a children's psychiatric hospital in December

24:44

2022. A

24:46

loudspeaker announcement at the now

24:48

closed, of course, Hawthorne Center

24:51

said falsely that the gunman were rolling,

24:53

said that the gunman were rolling the

24:55

hallways. How

24:59

do you, in a children's, in

25:03

a children's psychiatric

25:06

center, that's

25:10

just, you,

25:14

you go to people, you, children who

25:16

are borderline. And then how,

25:20

how crazy are the people who are doing that?

25:24

They're less crazy than the, you

25:26

know, certainly less, you

25:29

know, the kids are less of a problem than

25:31

those that they're mad. I'm

25:35

angry. There's a

25:37

difference in their mad. And

25:40

we really have to leave our cray-cray at the

25:42

door and move on with our lives. Okay. Because

25:45

enough is enough. We can't

25:48

use each other's punching

25:50

bags anymore. Okay. It's

25:52

that simple. And,

25:55

and if, if the newspaper needs to go

25:57

back and teach history, then that's, that's. It

26:01

you know the headline is so much as what

26:03

happened of 40 years ago,

26:05

which is why you know, whatever it takes

26:08

To get people on track because they seem

26:11

to have forgotten The

26:14

way of the world there

26:16

are no breadcrumbs None

26:20

I Think

26:24

you know both

26:28

sides are eating them In

26:30

their own fashion there

26:33

are no breadcrumbs. It's that

26:35

simple And

26:37

I don't think we can get back through the woods again.

26:40

I hope so. I hope

26:42

you're doing well. I couldn't be more excited about The

26:47

the ramps that are coming in let

26:49

me know how you're feeling let me know what you're thinking and For

26:53

those of you have those moments where you

26:55

express something that is then

26:58

happening around you Those

27:01

are just as great as those of you

27:03

who are yelling and screaming It's

27:07

really nice to see his let it rip

27:10

and it's a pleasure to read it and

27:15

You know and and hopefully You

27:18

know if you had a snowstorm or there

27:20

was Rain, it

27:22

wasn't too bad and you made it through and

27:25

it all as well. I

27:27

wish nothing but the best for you because

27:29

you are the best and Hopefully

27:34

we get through this because we're

27:36

better than this It's

27:40

a privilege and a pleasure spending time with you and I

27:42

mean that Angie is your home

27:45

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27:47

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28:44

List is now Angie, and we've heard a

28:46

lot of theories about why. I thought it

28:48

was an eco move. For your words, less

28:50

paper. No, it was so you

28:53

could say it faster. No, it's to be

28:55

more iconic. Must be a tech thing.

28:57

But those aren't quite right. It's because

28:59

now you can compare upfront prices, book

29:02

a service instantly, and even get your

29:04

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29:10

Get started at angie.com. That's A-N-G-I. Or

29:12

download the app today. Richard

29:15

Mather, I congratulate

29:17

you because no one has

29:19

ever ranted about this. So I

29:23

imagine there'll be more coming.

29:26

You've opened the door. So I go

29:29

to the store the other day and see apples.

29:32

That's right folks apples. Advertised

29:35

and sitting on the front table

29:37

near the door. The

29:40

trickery had begun. The tag

29:43

said they were Honeycrisp apples.

29:46

One of my favorite kinds. If there's

29:48

only one label on the table and

29:50

not thinking ahead of the forementioned

29:53

treachery, I just grabbed a

29:55

random bag. Mind you,

29:58

I love all kinds of apples. Fuji,

30:01

Macintosh, Honeycrisp, Granny's, Smith,

30:03

and even a few

30:05

other hybrids. So

30:07

I go to the counter with the bag and

30:09

a few other items and check out it. It

30:12

had been a couple of weeks since I'd eaten

30:14

an apple and I was excited

30:16

to get home. I've

30:19

never heard anyone get

30:22

this excited about apples. It's

30:25

thrilling, really, in

30:27

its own way. I

30:30

like to put peanut butter on my apples.

30:33

Smooth, please. This

30:35

is in deference to the other

30:37

rant. So I grab

30:39

the jar and open it up. My

30:41

taste buds are salivating. Then the moment

30:43

of truth, I get the bag of

30:45

apples and I'm about to open it.

30:49

And I see fucking red delicious

30:51

on the label. Where's

30:54

my damn booze? I yell to my

30:56

love. The one

30:58

damn thing I wanted that evening was

31:01

a Honeycrisp apple with

31:03

peanut butter. Not

31:05

I tell you the abomination of

31:08

all apples. A

31:10

red fucking delicious apple? Who

31:13

came up with that name? Someone who's

31:15

mad at the world? Yeah,

31:17

let's name it. So all

31:19

the ignorant apple people will buy it.

31:23

For starters, the only truth about a

31:25

red delicious is

31:27

that it's red. There's

31:30

nothing delicious about it at all. It's

31:32

like all the other apples in the world got

31:34

together and said, let's take the worst

31:37

part of each of us and

31:39

combine it to make one apple. Oh,

31:41

yeah. Let's name it red delicious. So

31:44

no one will know how it

31:46

sucks. For

31:48

starters, the interior texture is

31:51

like applesauce without the

31:53

charm. It's actually

31:55

kind of true really. I

31:57

hadn't thought of that. It's

32:00

devoid of all taste, except a hint

32:02

of mushy sweetness, like a couple of

32:04

granules of sugar wanted to kill themselves

32:06

and couldn't think of another way to

32:09

do it. The

32:11

outer part is all shiny and

32:13

super red, a brilliant coloration, like

32:16

the poisonous Amazon

32:18

frogs that can kill you

32:20

if you touch them. You

32:22

can wash them for 10 minutes and

32:25

still can't get that red delicious slime

32:27

off of them. They're

32:29

almost like the apple is in

32:31

a sausage, pink apple intestine skin.

32:34

Damn it, I just wanted

32:37

a good fucking apple. Frustrated

32:40

as hell, I look around the kitchen for

32:42

a hint of any other apple that

32:44

might be edible. Wait, what's

32:47

that I see in the corner? Could it

32:49

be? Yes, it's an apple. Not

32:52

red, it could be edible. Son of a

32:55

bitch. It's the marginally inbred

32:57

looking cousin that you never liked, but

32:59

your parents made you hang out with

33:01

them when you were young. That's

33:04

right, the golden delicious

33:06

apple. You told

33:08

your parents, hey, this kid's going to

33:10

go to prison, but sure, let it

33:13

influence me when I'm most impressionable. Sure

33:16

the golden delicious might be tolerable

33:18

in one recipe that my sweetheart

33:20

makes, but just

33:22

barely. And I think that

33:24

the sugar granules in it want to join

33:26

their parents in the afterlife like

33:29

a Brussels sprout martini. It

33:32

might not be awful, but wouldn't

33:34

you rather have olives? Damn

33:36

it. I

33:39

just wanted a good

33:41

apple. Where's

33:44

my booze? Wow.

33:48

Wow. I've never heard anybody

33:51

attack apples. The

33:53

golden delicious apple. Yeah, my parents used to

33:55

have those around. You

33:58

told your parents, hey, this kid's going to go to prison. But

34:00

sure, let him influence me when I

34:02

am most impressionable. Wow.

34:06

Richard, a

34:10

long diatribe about apples, impressive

34:14

and smooth, not chunky. Thank

34:17

you. Thank you very much.

34:20

From Audrey Lintner, someone

34:22

who sent in a number of rants,

34:26

but this one is, I think, beautifully

34:29

written really, in

34:32

quite a wonderful style. The

34:35

Book of Tribulations, Chapter 72,

34:39

in which it is revealed that Audrey

34:41

wants a new fucking furnace.

34:45

And low in a small house there she

34:47

lived who was practical, and he

34:49

who was frugal. And

34:53

it came to pass that after the great

34:56

unclogging, a technician of

34:58

the same company came forth

35:00

and rendered inspection of

35:02

the furnace. And he said unto them, Behold,

35:05

thy furnace is much aged, in

35:07

his of greater years upon the

35:09

earth than myself. And

35:11

he displayed many pieces which were much

35:14

worn, and patched, and

35:16

prone to dysfunction. The

35:19

frugal man spake dismissively and

35:21

said, Fear not, for they are

35:23

to be found on the listing of Craig. Sundry

35:26

things which should be had cheaply, and

35:28

will allow the furnace to age

35:30

further, and will allow great expenditure

35:33

to be put far off. And

35:36

the practical woman spake sternly and

35:38

said, Verily, thou art a sheep-skate,

35:40

and we shall make this day

35:43

an appointment that we

35:45

might inspect a new and

35:47

efficient furnace and enjoy comfort

35:50

for many days. And the frugal

35:53

man raised a great clamor and

35:55

stated firmly that he knew a

35:57

guy who knew a guy. Then

36:00

the practical woman cut him off

36:02

right there and said, Who knoweth

36:04

the hour of great price increases,

36:07

Which may at some point soon

36:09

be beyond our means? Who

36:12

knoweth the hour of great price increases,

36:14

Which may at some point soon be

36:16

beyond our means? Behold

36:19

thou the big one, and set

36:21

thy teeth against it, For I

36:23

will have my way, and our

36:25

sun shall be warm.

36:28

And the frugal man was

36:30

sorely vexed, And withdrew

36:33

to ponder his bank statement.

36:36

And there came unto the house of peddler,

36:38

Who spoke plain, and blew

36:40

not smoke into great rectal

36:43

orifices. And the frugal

36:45

man argued, and announced in a

36:47

grieved tones, That surely the furnace

36:49

was not that bad, And might

36:51

yet have many days upon the

36:54

earth. And the practical

36:56

woman said, Behold this furnace,

36:59

Which is a vast pile of excrement.

37:02

Turn not your face away from the matter, Lest

37:04

thou suffer great nagging all

37:06

of thy days. And

37:09

the frugal man was solely,

37:11

sore afraid, For

37:14

nagging he could not abide. And

37:17

he said unto her, I wash my hands of this, It

37:20

shall be upon you. Whereupon

37:22

she turned to the peddler, and said, Fuck

37:25

over thy pen, and the contract was

37:27

made, And the frugal man shut

37:29

his eyes and muttered. And

37:32

upon the appointed day came

37:34

technicians, With many implements, and

37:37

there arose from the attic A great

37:39

clanking, and the cat withdrew in

37:41

haste, And hid beneath the bed, and the

37:43

temperature in the dwelling Became

37:46

unpleasant. And when some

37:48

time had passed, and the work was completed,

37:51

The temperature within the dwelling

37:53

was seen to rise, Whereupon

37:58

even the fruit of the earth, The frugal

38:00

man offered praise

38:02

to the technicians, and

38:06

there was much

38:08

rejoicing. And

38:11

so comes to the end, the book

38:13

of tribulations, chapter 72, written

38:16

for us by Audrey Lintner, and

38:18

I've enjoyed it immensely, Audrey. A

38:22

wonderful piece of work, thank you. And

38:25

I hope you're warm all these days,

38:28

and that it didn't go, or that

38:30

you have a remarkable warranty. You

38:32

better have a warranty, I'm sure you do. Your

38:36

husband may have tried to cut it down to six

38:38

months in order to save 37 cents. Okay,

38:43

deeply appreciate it. Thank you. Lane

38:46

Howard, who has served his country

38:48

well, has a few things to

38:50

say that are rather important, and the

38:53

tension must be paid, as a

38:56

great playwright once said, Arthur

38:58

Miller, in Death of a Salesman,

39:00

but the tension must be paid, especially,

39:03

well, you'll see. It's

39:05

unbelievable to me. It's just

39:08

fucking unbelievable. Thank

39:10

you, Lane, for this, for

39:12

spending the time on it. Dear

39:14

Lewis, I am

39:16

a U.S. veteran who served during the

39:18

Vietnam era. I was

39:20

injured early on during my service, which resulted

39:23

in several weeks of treatment in

39:25

an Army hospital. The reason

39:27

the hospital stay was required, it was

39:30

because after being injured, my platoon

39:32

sergeant was too busy playing with

39:34

his dick to get

39:36

me timely medical attention. The

39:39

injury became infected, resulting

39:42

in blood poisoning. By the time I

39:44

was taken to the hospital, it advanced into

39:46

a bone infection in my hip and right

39:48

leg. After the

39:50

treatment was finished, I was to go before

39:52

a medical review board for

39:55

consideration of a medical discharge, but instead, the

39:57

Army just sent me back to my unit.

40:00

and I completed my three-year enlistment

40:02

and was discharged. Fast

40:04

forward to 2009, I requested

40:06

my service medical records from

40:08

the morons at the BA

40:11

so I could file a claim for

40:14

compensation and treatment for

40:16

my service injury after five

40:19

years. Five

40:21

years. I repeat that. It's

40:23

important at times to repeat certain things

40:25

because the words seem to slip by

40:28

more and more so as we land

40:30

in the world of social media. Or

40:33

maybe it's just me. After five

40:35

years, I finally got service connection

40:39

for the injury but

40:41

with a zero percent compensation

40:43

rate. This

40:47

means I get zero dollars compensation for

40:50

the injury and am not

40:52

eligible for veterans' health care. And

40:58

since I'm married, my wife and I together

41:00

make too much from our

41:02

retirement to meet the requirement

41:05

for VA health care. So

41:07

I'm fucked there too. Why

41:12

would you have to make the money to make

41:14

VA? Why couldn't it be a part? Unbelievable.

41:18

Or why couldn't you put it together with

41:20

your health insurance? Is anybody anywhere home? Since

41:23

I requested my service medical records in 2009,

41:27

I have subsequently requested them

41:29

four more times using a

41:31

veteran's service officer and

41:33

as of this date, 12-28-23, 14 fucking

41:35

years later, still

41:40

have not received a copy of my medical

41:42

records. I don't think it's asking too

41:44

much of this clown show to quit playing with

41:46

themselves and sending me my

41:48

fucking records. Just a couple

41:51

of years ago, I filed for a hearing disability from

41:54

serving in an armored unit for

41:56

two and a half years. You

41:58

know, tanks and big fucking... main

42:00

guns that make a shitload

42:02

of noise when they go off well. Lewis

42:06

only took the VA a couple of

42:08

weeks to deny, deny, deny, deny

42:11

that one also. They said

42:13

that serving around shit like tanks

42:16

and artillery does not affect my

42:18

hearing. Really?

42:21

You're being

42:23

kind. Just saying. Fuck,

42:26

I mean tanks and artillery. I fucking,

42:28

it's just a gun makes enough noise.

42:31

These assholes are fucking unbelievable.

42:34

First they grant a claim on

42:36

my leg is being service-related but

42:38

they don't pay compensation because they

42:40

say there has to be an

42:42

active infection going on. Or my

42:44

leg has to have rotted off

42:47

in the past 50 years since

42:49

I was injured. Neither has occurred

42:51

so I'm totally fucked as far

42:53

as the VA goes. Doesn't

42:55

make a difference that my ability to

42:57

walk and enjoying my life had been

43:00

adversely affected because of my service. As

43:02

far as the VA, just

43:05

another number. Just another veteran.

43:07

They fucked out of getting what

43:10

they deserve. Yep, what

43:12

you deserve. What all veterans

43:14

deserve. What this country has

43:17

no comprehension of

43:19

in terms of that. I mean a lot

43:21

of us do and

43:24

it is astonishing. I,

43:28

Lewis, I come from a family of

43:30

Army veterans who have a proud history

43:32

of service to this country and even

43:34

though the VA has screwed me around

43:36

with all their bullshit, I'm still proud

43:39

to have served and would do it again if called

43:42

on to do so. Well,

43:49

I mean that's the kind of service

43:52

I'm not capable of after what they've done

43:54

to you. I mean, that's

43:56

part of the deal. You're

44:00

a bigger man than I. I don't

44:03

know if I can do it again after

44:07

what they did to you. It's ludicrous.

44:09

And I'll never

44:11

forget going to

44:14

a, I

44:17

was in Salt Lake, I was doing an

44:20

ad for my

44:23

HBO special. We did it

44:25

in a VA hospital

44:27

there in Salt Lake City. But

44:30

with a chunk of it, it

44:32

was empty, not even being

44:34

used. And I'm sure there

44:36

were enough vets there and

44:38

there certainly were enough homeless there

44:41

to tip one off to the fact that

44:43

I'm sure that there were enough vets there

44:47

because they don't, you know,

44:49

that also is a buck up on our end.

44:51

But that

44:54

there were enough vets that that

44:56

entire building should have been used and they should

44:58

have hired all of the staff

45:01

necessary. And well, you've explained

45:03

it better. I'm

45:05

just a guy standing on the sidelines. I'm

45:07

sorry for what they did to you. And

45:09

I'm amazed at what

45:13

you had to say from

45:16

beginning to end with deep appreciation, sir.

45:19

With deep appreciation. It seems

45:21

that Kay Norris had a bad day. And

45:24

so he, he quickly

45:26

got it out of the system. And I mean

45:28

quickly. Why does the

45:30

government spend so much money keeping stupid

45:32

people alive? It's diluting

45:34

the average intelligence of this country.

45:37

Other nations aren't doing it. And

45:40

they are passing us by. Let

45:43

them die. Don't

45:45

buckle your seatbelt. Throw

45:47

that helmet away. Put your

45:50

kids in the front seat

45:52

and roll, baby roll. Wow.

45:56

Must have been a bad day, Ken. There's

45:59

a lot of people. you're throwing

46:02

under the bus, I guess.

46:05

Wow. Wowie wow

46:08

wow. Thank you. And

46:10

I hope it helped. From

46:13

Eve DeLeon Guerrero, speaking

46:16

of New York City's New Year's

46:18

ball drop and Boise's

46:20

potato drop with my old Idaho friends,

46:23

I had to share the kind of

46:25

New Year's celebratory object dropping I have

46:27

to deal with in my new home

46:30

in central Georgia. Not

46:33

that there aren't amusing drops

46:35

in other nearby locations. There's

46:37

the Peach Fest in Atlanta,

46:39

the Possum Drop in Tallapusa, but

46:42

in the city

46:44

of Perry, they

46:47

have the Buzzard drop. Buzzards?

46:51

According to Tabetha Clark, the

46:53

city of Perry's senior communications

46:56

manager, buzzards migrate through

46:58

Perry during the winter. The

47:00

water tower used to be their resting

47:03

spot and the city noticed the mess

47:05

and damage that was left behind.

47:08

They knew they needed to do something. Our

47:11

community has something special, Clark said.

47:14

It's very exciting. It's very unique.

47:17

They recommended that we actually use

47:19

a dead buzzard on

47:21

the water tower and that will

47:23

distract the buzzards and make

47:25

them go elsewhere. What

47:27

the fuck? Hang a

47:29

dead buzzard from the city

47:32

water tower to celebrate the New

47:34

Year? Apparently, that

47:36

was a thing for years. I

47:39

have visions of Southern fried golf

47:41

kids and Adams families want to

47:44

be clamoring for a

47:46

view of the annual spectacle. But

47:49

now the city of Perry brings in the

47:51

New Year with a

47:53

plastic buzzard made with

47:55

real feathers to

47:57

keep them away. Wow. buzzard

48:00

drop, a buzzard celebrating

48:03

New Year's with a buzzard. It's kind

48:05

of antithetical but maybe to the point.

48:08

Maybe, wow, it's gonna be a year

48:10

in which they're picking our bones so

48:12

how bad anything

48:15

that's not a New Year's where they're

48:17

picking your bones is kind of a

48:19

good year. Well, thank

48:21

you, Eve, for sharing that

48:24

with us, that little snapshot from

48:26

Perry. Wow, wow,

48:31

deeply appreciate it. Thanks

48:35

to all of you for listening to my rant.

48:38

If you have a rant you want to get

48:40

off your chest, send it in to me at

48:42

lewisblack.com forward slash live. You

48:45

can think of it as therapy or

48:47

whatever you want to think of it. Just

48:50

let it rip. And

48:52

I want to thank the true stars, the

48:55

ranchers, the splendid mains

48:57

they gave us. LewisBlack's

48:59

rant cast was created and hosted by me.

49:01

I found LewisBlack. Our

49:04

live rant audio was produced

49:06

by James Fox. A

49:08

theme song by Chris Lane. Executive

49:11

producers, Ben Bruce.

49:13

Executive producers, Matt Quine, and

49:15

Robert Kupman. Angie

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