0:00

Hey there this is Justin Barth. I

0:02

made a funny new podcast. King of

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the Agreement has the greatest cast in

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the history of podcast with actors like

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Lewis Black. I'm torn by my feelings

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for Do Women Bobby Cannavale. A you

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can eat it or someone hits you

0:14

will run you cut Melanie Lynskey. Wonder

0:16

what mean marvelous things are that looked

0:18

just like boiled. Chicken Feet Jason

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Ritter I could break. Things pick

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locks and kill people. Michael

0:25

Stuhlbarg. The whole point is.

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To inspire people that they should

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make themselves better, Henry Graner know,

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don't whether it's appetite, what are

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you in areas? Just a Martha

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that's not just any egg creme, that's

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a limp is special and all narrated

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by the hilarious Richard kind. This is

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the story. I'm Harry. Dollars an

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hour Euros from. To

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become New York's king of the egg

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creme. So if

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you like funny true stories, come listen. A king of

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the Egg creme available wherever you get your podcast. This

0:59

could. All go

1:01

horribly wrong with Maker. Yes,

1:04

that's right. The hundred and

1:06

Sixty second Edition a lose

1:08

weight drink as entitled. The.

1:11

Stupidity is stupefied.

1:14

That's. right? Br. It's

1:17

stupid for cash each each. I

1:19

will just say this, This is

1:21

gonna continue. This. Level of

1:23

madness that were at well I'm

1:25

afraid is going to go exponentially

1:28

higher and not a year and.

1:30

Crazier. And beyond belief. I

1:32

said it last time and I thought,

1:34

well, maybe it is this week when

1:37

I know and it is exploding across

1:39

the country and will continue to as

1:41

far as I'm concerned. Oh, that's my

1:44

betting money. And it is. You're

1:46

gonna go all the way through the election

1:48

and probably for a few months after we

1:50

we. We have to decide yet again if

1:53

the real election was a real election Hot.

1:55

That's where we're at. We. will

1:57

get their this is just a beyond

1:59

anything I could have imagined that what's

2:02

gone on this week and

2:04

I don't even know where to start okay you

2:07

begin with pros and embryos hmm do

2:10

you begin with the response to the the

2:14

fact of the there was a you

2:16

know the shooting in at

2:18

the parade in Kansas City to celebrate

2:20

the win in the Super Bowl do

2:23

we go to the government shutdown possibility

2:26

or do we talk about what what

2:28

happened in in

2:31

what's happening in in

2:34

Louisiana and their legislature

2:36

is they're trying to

2:38

pass a the permit

2:40

list concealed carry law

2:42

I let

2:45

me just go over where I'm gonna be appearing

2:47

over the next two to three weeks coming up

2:49

is March 8th the Red

2:51

Bank New Jersey I'll be rolling into appeared a

2:54

really wonderful venue and I mean this I've

2:56

appeared there a lot the Hackensack Meridian Health

2:58

Theater inside the

3:00

Count Basie Center for the Performing

3:03

Arts we go on on March

3:05

9th to the Wilkes Bar or

3:07

Wilkes-Barre Pennsylvania the FM Kirby Center

3:09

for the Performing Arts followed by

3:12

March 10th in Munhall

3:14

Pennsylvania apparently just outside of

3:16

Pittsburgh at the Carnegie of

3:18

Homestead Music Hall and

3:20

we go to Providence Rhode Island to the Bets

3:23

they are a beautiful big theater that I

3:25

think we're gonna have to sell some tickets

3:27

so they can have some place to go

3:29

you did well Providence is it worth it

3:32

yeah people head up to Boston where I'm

3:34

actually gonna be the next day March 22nd

3:36

at the Wilbur Theater first time by

3:38

the way a lot of comics perform

3:41

there this will be my first

3:43

I've looked forward to it March

3:45

23rd yay Portland Maine for the

3:47

lobster roll festival that I'll be

3:50

having while on stage I won't be

3:52

performing I'll just be eating as many

3:54

lobster rolls as humanly possible Because

3:56

I love it and I'll be at the Meryl

3:58

Auditorium there and I'm March. When you put

4:00

in a row know made. Their.

4:02

Tickets are available in a number of

4:05

those theatres and some of the theaters

4:07

in two or almost sold out. So

4:09

let's take a look see if you

4:11

can join be. I'd love for you

4:13

to do what I having a great

4:15

week last week. we'll we'll talk about

4:17

that because we've got things to do

4:19

in this is after what happened in

4:21

know. The. Kansas City. This is after

4:23

another good you know how you know of

4:25

of? Yeah, I keep up with the list.

4:27

know. That's. The big one. A

4:30

in our and then there was another

4:32

one right after another. When after that

4:34

is this is the who's this experiment.

4:36

Of just standing as guns willy

4:39

nilly is really getting focusing in

4:41

and bank and korea and it

4:43

really curing. The. A

4:45

problem that we have which is an

4:48

over abundance. Of. Mass killings

4:50

over abundance. What The vice leading

4:52

the world? Laughing in the world?

4:55

Why? Should we worry about anything of

4:58

why worry about winning a the Olympics

5:00

when we are winning the Olympics supply.

5:03

What? Is the matter with us? When.

5:06

We have been written.

5:08

What what possesses us.

5:11

To not even try to come up

5:13

Thoughts and prayers Thoughts and prayers. Why

5:15

don't you know what? I wouldn't even

5:17

if wouldn't even shocked me. If

5:19

there was a whole group of but.

5:22

Of of of of a bum. Gun

5:25

stores that open across the country that

5:27

were called thoughts and prayers and the

5:29

people wanted to shop there. And.

5:31

See and then that they would give

5:33

ten percent back to whatever area just

5:36

got shot up. So. That they could

5:38

put up with a sign that says they're.

5:40

They're. So and so strong. I mean, and

5:43

God and it's the only response we

5:45

have to say that were strong. That

5:47

would be good sweep we are strong.

5:50

But. Boy we stupid. Here.

5:52

We go. Let's begin with the good

5:54

folks of Louisiana. Gotta love going down

5:56

there. And. or it's gonna

5:58

be a little tougher now and

6:01

just in terms of possibly being

6:04

something that might be a little anxious because

6:08

the the the Senate down there

6:11

is getting ready to if

6:13

they if they have their way to make

6:16

it legal just the fact that you're thinking

6:18

of this is beyond comprehension they want to

6:20

make it legal for people 18 and

6:22

older without a felony conviction because

6:24

god knows that's not 18 18 stop

6:29

it already it's got to be

6:31

21 for starters and

6:33

this is even but it shouldn't even be

6:35

for this for anybody and

6:38

i'm sorry i don't care this is

6:41

this is beyond

6:43

this is stupefying okay

6:46

that 18 and older without a

6:49

felony conviction can carry its

6:51

concealed handguns without training sure

6:53

why not or a

6:55

state issued permit are you serious

6:58

you've got to pay attention all

7:00

right it just to be able to track the

7:03

idiot who might have shot somebody all

7:05

right by accident but meanwhile

7:07

they can carry it around and how do you

7:09

know that the schmuck who's got a bulge in

7:11

his pocket is in a fucking psychopath how do

7:13

you know this shit all right

7:16

you got to pay attention we

7:18

were able to do this at one time and people go

7:21

well you know the where everything i don't want to hear

7:23

it we did it we can

7:25

do it again it's about sitting down and

7:28

figuring the fuck out because we are running

7:30

out of time all right how

7:33

many ways do you want to figure out how

7:35

to work how to kill the children really

7:38

how many different ways do you

7:40

need huh son

7:43

of a bitch how many

7:45

different ways i mean look

7:47

at the the the i mean i

7:50

i forgot this while i was setting

7:52

up to do this today they've

7:55

not given up people aren't getting a

7:57

measles shot vaccination huh i mean that's

7:59

a highway Oh look, there's a ramp.

8:01

There's another ramp we can go up. Huh?

8:03

How many ways do you want to get

8:05

rid of your kids? You

8:07

to tell me that people shouldn't be

8:09

getting the measles vaccine? We got rid

8:11

of measles. Okay, it's

8:14

deadly. Fucking virus. And

8:17

you know, I just don't know. But

8:19

you better know. Okay,

8:21

and then the state of Florida says well,

8:23

you know, it's okay even though

8:25

we're having a bit of an outbreak, feel free

8:27

to send your kids to school. What

8:29

is the matter with us? How

8:32

is this even possible? We're...

8:36

Are they giving degrees out like,

8:38

you know, you go to a... You

8:42

know, how are they... What?

8:46

I look at some of the people of one Senate. You

8:49

know, who are senators, who are governors.

8:52

And they got

8:54

degrees from major institutions. Where

8:57

did the head of this health department get his degree? Am I gonna

8:59

look it up? I don't need to look it up. Doesn't

9:01

matter. Okay, because whoever

9:03

gave him a degree didn't teach him anything

9:05

about fucking measles. I

9:08

realize I'm a little over the top that

9:10

my cage is being rattled way too much.

9:13

And I'm really fucking sick of it. If

9:15

it is bothering you, I really don't care.

9:18

Because this is too much. All

9:20

right, I've sat here and watched

9:23

this. Planets spin around and watch

9:25

us go from nutty to nutty-er

9:27

to nutty-esque to beyond. Okay.

9:32

Let's calm down. Let's finish up

9:34

the good folks of Louisiana.

9:36

Who... One

9:39

of the guys... This is

9:41

both offered by the Senator Blake Meeguez. He's

9:45

a Republican. Stunning,

9:48

huh? Isn't it

9:50

stunning? I mean, that would be the case. Well,

9:52

you know, why don't you make a joke about

9:54

the Democrat? Because this is... There's

9:56

nothing funny about this. Either way, no

9:58

more begging the government. for

10:01

permission to

10:03

protect what is ours. This is about

10:05

our freedoms, our rights, our safety. So

10:08

you can carry a gun to a movie theater

10:11

so that you can protect your fucking popcorn

10:14

and your jujubes. No, I really can't believe

10:16

I just said that. That's the word that

10:18

came to mind. Are there

10:20

16 other candies, okay? Your

10:22

Reese's buttercups. I don't even know what they're

10:24

selling there now. It was once I kept

10:27

my bucket of coke and

10:29

the ton of popcorn and

10:31

with that fake butter. I'm

10:35

way too happy to worry about the

10:37

candy, but this is to protect our

10:39

rights, our safety. It doesn't protect your

10:41

right to carry it. If

10:44

you're carrying a gun, it doesn't protect

10:46

the right, okay? It

10:49

doesn't. If somebody comes up too close

10:51

to you, you're the right of your space. You could

10:53

like maybe blow his foot off and they fall backwards.

10:56

I just, I'm stunned by

10:58

this. Opponents of

11:00

the bill also said, anyone, this

11:02

is a position, so anyone walking

11:04

into a hospital who's not a

11:06

convicted felon could potentially be

11:09

smuggling a handgun and you say that's fine.

11:12

I'm sure they do. The law would

11:14

hurt the New Orleans Police Department's

11:17

ability to confiscate guns during major

11:19

tourism events like Mardi

11:21

Gras. That's

11:24

a good place to have that. Because

11:26

then they could actually, you

11:28

could allow a certain amount of people probably

11:30

out there to rob people and

11:33

that would be just really dandy, wouldn't

11:35

it? If it appears to be that

11:37

that bulge of a weapon

11:39

under the clothes, the officer has the

11:41

ability to stop this person and therefore

11:43

investigate a little further. That's

11:46

the way it used to be, Moreno said.

11:48

Now that's not gonna be able to be

11:50

possible. Well, good news, good news.

11:52

That should make Mardi Gras something that I

11:54

could take off my list. It was on

11:56

my, it was never on

11:58

my bucket list, but. I have thought

12:01

about going down there for

12:03

Mardi Gras and I've been down there a

12:05

lot for a variety of other performances and

12:08

just to eat. And now, you

12:10

know, I'm kind of going, wow, you know, I'm

12:12

not going down for some large event. You're kidding

12:14

me if they pass that. And they

12:16

think they will. If that wasn't stupid,

12:19

how about this, the great state of Missouri, which

12:21

I had the pleasure going through, just

12:24

recently went through St. Louis

12:26

and Springfield, Missouri and great,

12:30

great venues. The

12:34

factory in St. Louis, the

12:37

Yuleeoys, I believe it's pronounced

12:39

in Springfield,

12:42

have been really, but

12:44

also a great hotel there. Seriously,

12:46

the Band of Bort. Really,

12:49

if you're thinking of taking two or three

12:51

days, it's

12:54

a nifty little town to wander about in

12:56

and you probably, if you eat the, between

12:58

the steaks and the breakfast there and

13:02

the other, the gelato,

13:04

everything else. They've got every

13:07

food you need. You'll

13:09

probably be able to gain 10 pounds and

13:11

feel a little happy as you kind of stuff

13:14

your face to get over the anxiety. What I'm

13:16

going to read to you right now, which is

13:18

in that state, there was, that

13:21

someone has put up a, the group

13:23

called the, of course, the Missouri Freedom

13:25

Caucus. They have

13:27

decided that they are trying to pass

13:30

the following. I'm reading

13:32

this because I can't possibly have memorized

13:34

it. You know, because my

13:36

brain would reject it. My brain would go,

13:38

no, this can't be, it's impossible. Life can't

13:41

be going on when this is happening. These

13:43

people, the planet, it

13:45

must get out of orbit when

13:47

people become this fucking dumb. These

13:51

people who are supposed to be

13:53

governing. Okay. And

13:56

even if this is a joke, which I doubt because

13:59

it. comes to us from the Missouri Freedom

14:01

Caucus, similar to the one in

14:04

Congress. These are people who don't have a

14:06

sense of humor. They don't have a sense

14:08

of humor. I argued with my opening act,

14:11

Jeff, about it. Sorry, you know,

14:13

it's kind of, I'm doing their

14:15

joke about the fact that the

14:17

antagonism within

14:19

the Senate is such that they really

14:22

were making, you know, a point here.

14:24

No, they weren't. There

14:26

was no joke here because they, irony

14:28

escapes these idiots. I'm sorry, especially

14:31

when you do. This is a waste of time. I

14:33

tell them you don't sit down and take

14:36

even, at this point in time,

14:38

you don't take the 10 minutes up or

14:40

whatever it was to put this, to put this,

14:42

to say you wanted a vote on this. If

14:44

a senator's honor is impugned by another senator,

14:46

the point that it is beyond repair, beyond

14:49

repair, it's, he's a senator.

14:51

So it's already beyond repair.

14:54

A senator in the Missouri State

14:56

House, way beyond repair. And in

14:58

order for the offended senator to

15:01

gain satisfaction, such senator may rectify

15:03

the perceived insult to the senator's

15:05

honor by challenging the offending

15:07

senator to a duel. That's

15:10

right. There's not enough stuff to take

15:12

the wax out of your ears that

15:14

was formed by me just reading that

15:16

to you, okay? The trusted

15:19

representative known as the second of

15:22

the offended senator, the trusted, known

15:24

as the second. What

15:26

fucking century am I in? You

15:29

shall send a written challenge to the

15:31

offending senator. The two senators shall read

15:33

to terms of the duel, including

15:36

choice of weapons, which shall be

15:38

witnessed and enforced by their respective

15:40

seconds. The

15:43

brain gags on its own fucking,

15:46

it just creates, this is what

15:49

creates Alzheimer's, okay?

15:52

Stuff like this, it creates plaque in

15:54

the brain. Because you can't

15:56

dig out of this fast enough that

15:59

these people... saying this aloud. The

16:02

trusted representative, the duals should take place,

16:04

this is my favorite, in the well

16:06

of the Senate at the hour of

16:08

high noon on the date agreed to

16:11

by the parties of the

16:13

dual. Seriously, I'm sorry I had

16:15

to read that, but there's no other way to get it

16:17

across. Legendary

16:21

stupidity. Nothing

16:24

funny about it. Nothing

16:26

at all. Just get up. There's

16:29

no need to send that out there if you want

16:32

it, because there's some of that. There's

16:35

just a grain of insanity to

16:37

that. It is beyond

16:39

belief, especially at a time when people are

16:42

talking about, you don't need to,

16:44

and in Missouri, where you can

16:47

see a weapon thing is lunacy

16:49

too, and you're going to

16:51

talk about this just by bringing it up. Honk,

16:54

honk, quack, quack. You're pushing buttons,

16:57

and the buttons don't need to be pushed. All

17:00

right? Good God. Meanwhile,

17:03

they're meeting again this week

17:06

to deal with the possibility

17:08

of a government shutdown. Two,

17:10

the first one they say is not

17:13

so bad. The second one, because

17:15

basically it means that certain agencies will

17:17

not be able to function, or will

17:19

function with, won't

17:22

be able to function, or function certainly not

17:24

as well, because there are

17:26

none of the folks, because they can't pay them. Meanwhile,

17:29

the Senate will get paid.

17:31

The Congress, the House

17:33

of Representatives, those folks will get paid.

17:35

How's that possible? Nobody

17:39

stands up, all right? Because they sat

17:41

down in the day, and the

17:44

ghost of Christmas past told them, you know what,

17:46

we can't, we got to pay our bills, government

17:48

has to pay his bills. Well then, come up

17:50

with a doubt. Somebody there has to stand up

17:53

and demand that if you're going to shut

17:55

the government down, the first thing that closes

17:57

its doors is Congress. Okay? And

18:00

they don't get paid. All

18:03

right? Or they have to keep working and

18:05

don't get paid. That would be

18:07

something that they actually had to keep working. This is what

18:09

they come up with. We're not going to pay our bills.

18:12

Fucking idiots. I'm going to repeat this for the 4,000th

18:14

time. It has

18:17

no effect on anything, okay? But

18:20

we decide. They don't decide. All

18:23

right? The bill has come in. We've

18:25

already done it. We have to pay for

18:27

it. Okay? Part of already

18:29

needed to be done. Just

18:32

do it. And

18:35

what did they decide to do? What are

18:37

they doing instead? Reaching

18:39

into each other's pants and jerking each other off

18:44

until they have blood on their hands? I

18:47

stumbled through that and I don't care. I

18:50

don't care because it made me laugh. And it's

18:52

one of the few things that's made me laugh

18:54

today. Okay? They're

18:56

fucking jerking each other off until there's

18:58

blood on their hands. That's

19:00

what I should have called the ran cast.

19:02

But then who's going to really, they wouldn't

19:04

have printed it and they'd be like, X,

19:06

X, X, X. What are you going to

19:09

do? But what are they up to? Seriously.

19:13

You know? People are worried about inflation.

19:17

And blaming the ghost of Christmas past and

19:19

the fact of the matter is, what

19:22

about the fact that they keep saying there's

19:24

going to be $2 billion spent on

19:27

this upcoming presidential

19:29

thing? And

19:31

I'm calling it a thing right

19:33

now because both are

19:36

automatons. I mean, it's

19:38

just they're too old.

19:41

I mean, this is a presidential thing. $2

19:43

billion, right? You're

19:45

worried about inflation. Let's worry about, you

19:47

worry about pissing away money. We're

19:50

paying for this insanity. We

19:52

don't have to pay for it. Okay? Let

19:56

them have three debates. Come up with something. All

19:59

right? That's reasonable. It shouldn't be

20:01

more than a hundred thousand dollars Because

20:04

they're sending stuff out on social media. You

20:06

don't need then they hire people to do

20:08

their social media Huh,

20:11

and we're gonna pay for that. What is what

20:13

is what is wrong with us? But

20:16

you know, no You

20:18

say this is here's what you

20:21

get to spend no fucking corporate

20:23

money. No big money, right? Everybody

20:26

can send in ten bucks You can do

20:28

it off your fucking taxes or you can

20:30

send in a check and that's fucking it

20:33

And if you can't afford it, you don't send in

20:35

the money and that's what they get to play with

20:37

and that okay And that's enough money Two

20:39

billion. I don't even know if that adds up and

20:42

it doesn't add up to two billion I don't think

20:45

and I'm not gonna sit here and figure it out Because

20:48

why cuz I'm fucking exhausted

20:51

and and I know math But I

20:53

think maybe you know if they did the ten dollars

20:56

who knows I? Don't

20:58

know. I do know that it's

21:00

crazy to spend that kind of money and I do know that

21:03

If they want to control inflation this

21:06

badly We might have

21:08

to go to socialism because that's and

21:11

I don't know if that works because

21:13

I don't know if in Sweden

21:16

or Denmark or Norway Which

21:18

seemed to have at least folks

21:21

seem to be doing better

21:23

and have medical and all sorts

21:25

of things That it

21:28

may be I think

21:30

they can make better ways to

21:32

control inflation. I don't know But

21:36

one would think that one way to control

21:38

it is have the government instead

21:40

of sitting around and you know

21:42

with the blood on their hands that They

21:46

would might think of some creative

21:48

ways That they might

21:50

vote for some money to Lower

21:52

the price of eggs and lower the price of

21:54

milk and lower the prices of a variety

21:56

of items that folks really need and

21:59

in order to to make their lives better.

22:01

But if you did that,

22:04

then Congress would get the credit. Who

22:07

would get the credit? And then if

22:09

it kept going, then Congress would

22:11

be blamed. Congress should be blamed. They

22:13

did nothing. They're doing nothing.

22:16

And they really blessed the

22:21

least amount ever done by any Congress, 27

22:24

bills. All they had to do was

22:26

one more. The price

22:28

of eggs will come down. That

22:30

would have been a good bill. The price of

22:32

milk will come down. That would have been a good

22:34

bill. The don't eat

22:36

dairy bill. Whatever you want to

22:39

do. Don't eat

22:41

dairy. It will upset your system.

22:43

It will irritate you. Okay, whatever.

22:47

I'm just about done. We

22:49

haven't even gotten, haven't

22:51

even gotten to

22:54

Alabama and their spectacular

22:56

ruling that

23:00

frozen embryos are

23:03

children. I

23:05

will deal with that next week. This

23:07

was more than I could bear. Who's

23:11

going through this? And because

23:13

that, just saying that aloud,

23:15

as almost, I can feel

23:17

blood trickling down

23:20

here and into my nose. And I didn't

23:22

want to bleed on during

23:27

my ranscast. Not the 162nd one.

23:30

No, Saribab. If

23:33

I practice saying it enough,

23:36

but can you imagine? Frozen embryos.

23:40

Frozen embryos are hope, really.

23:42

That's what they are. They're

23:44

not children. They're hope that there might

23:46

be a child. It's for intravenous

23:49

fertilization. They don't even know what that

23:51

is. Men just have to stop being

23:53

allowed to deal with this because they

23:55

don't get it. And boy, oh

23:57

boy, I've watched enough people deal with IVF.

24:00

know, and they're closing clinics

24:04

because of it. Because they're,

24:06

you know, if you, if,

24:08

you know, if you actually got,

24:10

you know, kind of got rid

24:12

of those frozen embryos, that's like

24:14

killing a child. No, it's not.

24:21

But that, we'll go to that next week. I

24:24

need more time to think about it. Not

24:26

that, we're to, we're to, I

24:28

need more time to relax so

24:30

I can scream about that next week. And

24:32

I'll leave you with this. The

24:36

people for the ethical treatment of animals who

24:38

I've agreed with on many, many

24:41

of their things and some I don't.

24:43

And this one, not

24:45

even close. Same way I

24:48

feel about the ACLU, agree with basic

24:50

ideas behind it and some of the

24:52

stuff that they want to

24:54

protect. I just can't, no, no, don't buy

24:56

it. So, but that's,

24:59

you know, it's good that we have both groups and,

25:02

but the people for the, PETA, okay,

25:04

people for the ethical treatment of animals

25:06

has asked the nation's largest

25:08

maker of amusement park

25:10

carousels to stop using fake horses

25:13

for seats. Such

25:16

rides normalize

25:19

the use of animals as

25:21

conveyances and amusements. I

25:25

just had a little trouble breathing after

25:27

that. I don't see how that

25:33

normalizes anything. I

25:36

think most children realize that this is not

25:38

a horse. It's a painted

25:40

piece of wood. Or maybe a

25:42

painted piece of metal now. I don't know. I haven't been on one in

25:45

years. Are there that many? Are

25:47

children in droves of

25:50

being normalized to riding

25:53

horses as conveyances

25:58

and amusements? I

26:00

don't think, maybe I'm

26:02

missing something here, but I don't

26:04

think so. I don't think

26:06

it's horrifying for a child to sit

26:08

on a painted

26:11

pony on a carousel.

26:16

It goes up and down. Kids know

26:18

this. They don't feel like they're riding

26:20

a horse. They're pretending maybe in

26:22

their heads and they don't go, oh

26:24

boy. And

26:28

people are going to ride horses. Okay.

26:31

It's just the way it is. I'm

26:33

sorry that it upsets some people. Finishing

26:35

up with the letter to Kansas based chance

26:38

rides. The

26:41

Peter suggested replacing animal seats

26:43

with spaceships, cars, or rainbows,

26:46

which are just as enchanting

26:48

and don't celebrate the exploitation

26:50

of sentient beings. I

26:52

don't think, I

26:55

think they'd be hard pressed Peter

26:58

to find a, maybe they'd have

27:00

proof that the

27:02

child somewhere rode on a

27:05

Ferris wheel. I mean, on

27:08

a carousel, idiot. God,

27:10

my brain is starting to, the cracks

27:12

are forming and

27:14

they're forming because of the nonsense

27:16

and stupidity being

27:20

pounded by it is, I think in,

27:23

in, in many of us who

27:25

just want to sit

27:28

down and come up with

27:30

some common sense solutions for the

27:32

problems out there. And I don't

27:34

think that, that, the

27:38

real problems with, you know, the, like the horses

27:40

that are pulling carriages in the

27:42

central park, that's awful, but, you

27:45

know, I just find it

27:47

hard to believe that, that

27:50

the child really brought a

27:52

horse and then said, by God, I'm gonna, I'm

27:54

gonna use horses in just

27:57

ways that you didn't imagine before. But

28:00

that's me. And what do

28:02

I know? All

28:04

I do is yell, scream, and hope

28:06

that someone listens somewhere. And I appreciate

28:09

that you do, and we've got some

28:11

really great new rants coming your

28:13

way. And I wanna thank everybody for coming

28:15

out. It was a great run this past

28:17

two weeks. From

28:19

Grand Rapids to Detroit,

28:23

to Waukegan, to St. Louis,

28:26

to Springfield, to

28:29

New Steel Yard, great

28:33

venue in Chesterfield, Missouri,

28:35

just outside of St. Louis. I

28:38

thought it was St. Louis I was going

28:40

to until Kathleen went, no, you're going to

28:43

Chesterfield. And I

28:46

really, really had a

28:48

great time. And it is,

28:50

as always, a privilege and

28:53

a pleasure to spend time with you, and that's

28:55

the truth. Angie

28:58

is your home for everything home, and they've made

29:00

it easy and ever to connect with skilled professionals

29:02

to get all your home projects done well. If

29:04

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29:08

or making dream projects a reality, it can be

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hard just to know where to start. But now,

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all you need to do is Angie that, and

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and they've combined it with new tools to

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29:54

or visit angie.com, that's a-n-g-i.com.

29:58

This comes to us from James Muckle. He was

30:00

at the St. Louis show and I

30:02

wasn't able to read this there and so I'm going

30:04

to read it now. He

30:07

works with the public so you'll

30:09

understand. After having worked

30:11

in the service industry for over

30:13

20 years, I've noticed many odd

30:16

things about people. Most

30:18

notably, anyone who drinks

30:20

a diet beverage usually drinks a

30:22

foreign amount, six to eight refills

30:24

of diet coke on average. While

30:27

their classic coke counterparts tend

30:29

to only have one, maybe two

30:31

refills, I don't forget

30:34

it. All of those extra refills

30:36

can't possibly be more healthy than

30:38

one normal soda. And they

30:40

drink them so quickly every time I turn

30:42

around another refill like we're competing in a

30:45

fucking race. Worst of all,

30:47

I know my expert refill

30:49

timing will never be reflected

30:51

by my compensatory tip-out. And

30:54

just to add a cherry to

30:56

the non-sugar encrusted cake, these

30:59

diet guzzling gluttons tend to

31:01

be the same fools who

31:03

order a large salad with

31:05

extra dressing only to inform

31:07

me that this qualifies as

31:09

their cheat day. I

31:14

don't know how you manage to work with

31:16

the public on a daily basis, James, but

31:18

thank you for sharing that with us. I

31:21

got a friend, Marklyn Baker. He knocks back a

31:23

few of those diet coke. I

31:25

think there's an addictive quality to them.

31:28

We'll discuss that another time. This

31:31

comes from Chris Morrissey. She

31:33

has a solution to our gun

31:35

problem. And there

31:37

is a problem out there. I think we

31:39

can all agree on that. Whatever side you're

31:41

on. And if that is going to be

31:44

disturbing to you, skip this one, okay? Just

31:46

skip it, all right? Because I

31:48

don't have time to listen to you. All right? If

31:52

you listen to it and have a response, good. But

31:55

I don't want you sitting there whining. I can't

31:58

believe because this is a way. people

32:00

are thinking and feeling. That's the deal.

32:02

Write one in. I have

32:05

a 10 year old daughter and an eight year

32:07

old son. Today when they got home from school

32:09

they told me about the active

32:12

shooter drills they had to practice. Are

32:14

you fucking kidding me? Is this really

32:16

the country we have to live in

32:18

now? I'm so fucking tired of hearing

32:21

politicians talk about thoughts and prayers or

32:23

mental health but never bring up

32:25

a single new idea. So

32:27

here's mine. Gun sales

32:30

do not need to be restricted.

32:32

Heaven forbid we stand in

32:34

the way of some jackoff's ability to blow

32:36

his own dick off while stroking his business

32:39

talk. Instead gun purchasers

32:41

should be required to produce three

32:44

character witnesses that will face

32:46

prosecution if the purchaser commits

32:48

a crime with that weapon.

32:50

Mm-hmm. Interesting.

32:53

Bands on assault rifles are never going

32:55

to be passed. So don't try. If someone

32:58

has a legitimate reason for owning

33:00

machine guns then they should not

33:03

have a problem finding friends, family

33:05

members, or community members that are

33:07

willing to support those legitimate uses.

33:10

People have long made the argument

33:12

that we should not restrict law-abiding

33:14

people from owning weapons. Great. How

33:16

about it? I won't stop you.

33:20

If weapons of mass destruction are

33:22

valued in your community then you

33:24

can support one another in purchasing

33:26

those weapons. The key is that

33:29

if you are a character witness for the

33:31

purchase of a weapon you are now responsible

33:33

for how that weapon is used. If the

33:35

purchaser is truly law-abiding there is

33:38

zero risk but if the purchaser goes

33:40

on to commit a crime with the

33:42

weapon each witness will

33:44

face serious jail time. This

33:46

should include not only

33:49

murder in armed robbery but

33:51

also suicide. I mean sure

33:53

I can't blame people for being afraid

33:55

of the government but I bet we

33:57

would find out real fast what people

33:59

are are really more afraid of. Governmental

34:02

tyranny for the mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger

34:04

that always wants to blow

34:06

something up at the gun

34:08

range doing something stupid. Now,

34:12

some may say that would be discriminating against

34:14

those that do not have a lot of

34:17

family and friends to support their purchase. I

34:20

would say that we are not banning those people

34:22

from purchases, but it will

34:24

require them to form strong

34:26

societal connections first. And if

34:28

that impedes the lone gunman,

34:31

all the better. Background checks

34:33

and red flag restrictions are

34:36

fine, but this gives

34:38

at least a small number of

34:40

people strong incentives to actively engage

34:42

with gun owners and step

34:44

in if they see warning signs.

34:47

Well, Chris, that's a terrifically

34:50

logical piece that

34:53

you've written, and I've

34:56

enjoyed reading it, and I'm

34:58

sure because of its logic, it

35:00

will be rejected immediately. There

35:02

are brains right now across the United

35:04

States that didn't even hear this, and

35:07

it bounced off their heads. Thank

35:10

you. Getting something out of a

35:12

package is a problem

35:14

for all of us. Well, it's certainly

35:17

a problem for me. It was

35:19

a problem for Tyler Turner, and

35:22

so he needed to get it off his chest, so

35:25

he sent it to me, the one

35:27

who also has problems with this shit, and

35:29

as soon as I read it, I went,

35:31

wow, I'm gonna read this. Lewis,

35:34

it was during the holidays when my

35:36

wife and I's level of frustration came

35:38

finally to a head, and I found

35:40

myself at the kitchen table with

35:43

a pair of scissors in my hand, cursing

35:45

the very nature of one

35:48

of the most stroke-inducing aggravations

35:50

I have ever attained. I

35:52

was praying to God and cursing

35:55

God, then praying again, then

35:57

asking for enlightenment into this

35:59

darkness. of frustration. I'll tell you

36:01

the issue, then explain the problem

36:04

which nearly caused my wife and

36:06

I to pull a Thelma and

36:08

Louise off the cliff hand

36:10

in hand. The packaging

36:12

of batteries. Yep, the

36:15

manner in which they do

36:17

it is criminal. Yes, criminal.

36:19

Engineers who designed the packaging

36:21

of batteries should have their

36:24

diplomas revoked. Is

36:26

that possible? The universities do that sort

36:28

of thing. They should for

36:30

these assholes. What were they

36:32

taught? Um, this is how you

36:34

make it impossible for anyone to

36:37

steal or ever use.

36:40

Apparently battery companies want you

36:42

to buy their batteries but never

36:44

use the batteries. These

36:46

companies want you to just

36:48

look at the shiny, perfectly

36:50

formed pretty packaging, admiring their

36:52

pristine work and making sure

36:55

no one ever uses

36:57

their products. Anyway, the

37:00

packing of batteries caused my wife

37:02

and I to one,

37:04

curse on a professional level,

37:07

not usually heard during that

37:09

holy time of the year.

37:11

Two, perform basic

37:13

first aid on each other, i.e.

37:15

wound care. And three, threaten

37:18

the lives of strangers we have never

37:20

met. I'm thinking of

37:22

the engineers who packaged these

37:25

batteries. Fucking bastards.

37:28

My wife takes holiday decorating very

37:30

seriously, Louise. You don't mess with

37:32

her and her decorations. Martha Stewart,

37:35

Inc. got shit on my wife.

37:38

But for several years my wife

37:40

has decided that instead of real candles,

37:42

which let's face it might burn down

37:44

the house, she has

37:47

to switch to battery-powered timer

37:49

activated candles. Lots

37:51

and lots of candles. Our

37:53

house during the holiday shines

37:55

brighter inside than it does

37:58

outside. It's beautiful. But

38:00

my yearly Christmas bonus from

38:02

my work goes exclusively to

38:04

batteries They're expensive as

38:07

fuck and the packaging is

38:09

well Think

38:11

about this. I'm seriously writing

38:13

to you so that I

38:15

can rant complain About

38:18

the packaging of batteries. That's how

38:20

bad it is. That's where I

38:22

am Lou That's it and

38:24

as I write this my dog is snoring behind

38:26

me My wife is half

38:28

in the bag on a bottle of

38:30

Sauvignon blank or is he

38:32

wrote its Avarin Blanc and

38:35

binge watching Netflix and I'm having

38:37

a therapy session with my keyboard

38:40

What the fuck have I become? This

38:43

was not in the manual when I was

38:45

growing up son of a bitch. I'm starting

38:47

to break out in a sweat We

38:49

destroyed two pairs of scissors trying to

38:52

get into the damn triple-a battery pack

38:54

Not to mention the small watch size

38:56

batteries that apparently are never to be

38:58

used in watches or any other device

39:01

that might require a small

39:03

five dollar battery fuck

39:07

my wife and I as a

39:09

result of the scissors destruction and

39:12

packaging assault ended up

39:14

bleeding from our hands and engaged

39:16

in medical triage trying to

39:18

determine who was bleeding more

39:20

and what wound was more

39:22

serious It was mine of

39:25

course trying to bind my

39:27

wounds with her bloody hands and I'm

39:29

doing the same to her left our

39:31

kitchen and Bathroom looking like a murder

39:33

scene from a horror movie Effectively

39:37

done. Well, this was occurring the

39:39

dog Kindly and quietly ran

39:41

to the basement even she

39:43

saw the madness that was developing and

39:46

after an hour of this fucking horror show

39:48

My wife and I with bloody hands in

39:50

a war like stare in our eyes Finally

39:53

were able to achieve the ejaculation

39:55

of the batteries from their packaging.

39:58

I have that's some good orgasm in my

40:00

life, Luke, but this example of

40:03

coming was magical and left

40:05

us both breathless and exhausted.

40:08

Well, the light shined brighter that

40:10

night as the new batteries put

40:12

forth their blazing energy. We both

40:14

sat down to enjoy a drink

40:16

and what our sacrifice did accomplish.

40:19

And after 15 minutes of silence, my

40:23

wife and I just staring at each other, cheap

40:26

politely and matter-of-factly mentioned,

40:29

those batteries will only last for a few

40:31

weeks and we will need to

40:33

replace them. In my

40:35

head, my response was, are

40:37

you shitting me? Seriously? Are

40:39

you fucking shitting me? These

40:42

fuckers better last past Christmas or

40:44

we are switching to real candles

40:46

and taking our chances with fire.

40:49

But my actual response was, thank

40:52

you, hon. I love you

40:54

too. Louis Allis being

40:56

said, I almost forgot to

40:58

mention my job, is

41:01

with one of the largest consumer

41:03

packaging companies in North America.

41:06

I figured that the

41:08

fuck out. But

41:10

I work in finance, thank God. Thanks,

41:14

Lou. That felt good. Time

41:17

for a cocktail. That

41:20

was quite nice, Tyler. A

41:23

tale that needed to be told, I

41:25

just had a fucking problem with that

41:27

little fucking watch battery bullshit myself. Thanks

41:30

for sharing. This comes

41:32

to me. This comes

41:34

from your pal. No

41:36

mention of a name, I guess

41:38

he doesn't want to lose his job, or she. I

41:42

work in animation and now that I'm inching up

41:44

the ladder, I have to talk to clients

41:46

every month. Here's

41:48

a question I have. Why couldn't

41:50

they have designed AI to

41:53

replace executives instead

41:55

of artists? The

41:57

notes I get from executives are so

41:59

annoying. that I can't understand

42:01

how they got to where they

42:03

are today. How do you fail

42:06

so far up the ladder? Huh?

42:09

Sometimes I imagine these notes on a

42:11

live action movie set. Imagine

42:13

you're in a movie. You've got the script.

42:15

You've memorized your lines. You know

42:18

your motivation. You're ready. The

42:20

director shouts action. And

42:24

you're on top of it. You think you

42:26

nailed it. Now imagine he

42:28

shouts cut and says, can I

42:31

give you some notes? Fix

42:34

your acting. Okay, try

42:36

again. Action. Logic

42:39

would dictate that if you thought there was something wrong

42:41

with your acting, you wouldn't have

42:43

acted that way, right? Huh?

42:46

Regardless, you go again. You

42:48

try something new. Cut. Your

42:51

face is wrong. Action.

42:55

My face is

42:57

wrong. You roll the dice

43:00

and try some different, nuanced eyebrow

43:02

movements. Maybe they're like this. You

43:06

have no way of knowing. Cut.

43:09

I'm going to give you three suggestions on

43:11

different things you could try. I won't

43:14

say which of the three I actually want, but

43:16

whichever one you choose will be

43:18

wrong. Okay? Go.

43:22

You give it three more tries. You know what? I

43:24

like the first thing you did. This

43:26

is a great idea I just had. Go

43:28

back to that. But now I'm

43:31

not paying you because you did it

43:33

wrong so many times. Welcome

43:38

to my life making

43:40

preschool television. I

43:43

can't imagine that for preschool. I

43:45

can't. I've been through it.

43:47

I have sat in rooms

43:49

with executives from television networks.

43:52

I was once told by

43:55

the TV network actually the people who had

43:57

written. pilot

44:00

for me were told this

44:02

is true, that it

44:04

was this before a

44:07

number of shows had gotten on FX,

44:09

but early on when FX was breaking

44:11

out doing this stuff way back about

44:14

25 years ago, we were

44:16

told that the script was too

44:19

funny for FX.

44:23

Did you hear me my pal? Too

44:26

funny for FX. I've

44:31

read yours mainly because I

44:33

think the brilliance of

44:36

your brilliant idea is really at

44:38

the very beginning and that

44:40

they should have designed AI to

44:42

replace executives and not the people who actually

44:45

do the work and know what has to

44:47

be done. Thank

44:49

you. First is from

44:51

Pat Casey. One

44:53

of the actual fuck is going

44:55

on with politicians in Washington and

44:58

most states these days, in the

45:00

past 50 years for that matter.

45:03

It's both sides too. No

45:05

one represents the people anymore and they're only

45:07

looking out for themselves. Half

45:10

of them freeze like a fucking

45:12

1990s gateway computer on

45:19

dial-up internet having a mini stroke waiting

45:21

for their game of where in the

45:23

world is Carmen Sandiego to finish loading.

45:30

Wow, that's impressive guys. I

45:33

feel like they're all the original Nintendo

45:35

where you had to blow hot air

45:37

up the game's electronic ass to make

45:40

it fucking work. Why

45:43

are these people making decisions for us?

45:46

Why are they making six figure

45:48

salaries and receiving full lifetime benefits

45:50

when the rest of the country

45:53

is getting fisted without lube? They

45:57

all say one thing to get elected and then get

45:59

money from them. special interest groups to

46:01

do whatever they want done instead.

46:04

The rich politicians get richer every

46:06

day. What we need to do

46:08

is set term limits on all of them. Cut

46:13

their cushy fucking salaries when they only

46:16

work two months out of the year

46:18

anyway, and make them all have, I

46:21

love this, regular jobs so

46:25

that their decisions affect them

46:27

too. Time

46:29

for an overhaul. Thanks

46:32

Pat. That's from

46:35

Pat Casey. And this comes to us, this

46:37

is, this was, I

46:40

just had to read this one.

46:42

It's from Shemp Roland. And

46:45

Shemp says, why are people from

46:47

Battle Creek so stupid? I

47:00

believe he was there last night. He

47:03

said, I've lived in Grand Rapids all my life,

47:06

but with my job I have to call people

47:08

from all over the state. Every

47:11

time I see the area code

47:13

for Battle Creek 269, I

47:15

know I'm about to hear the dumbest shit

47:17

I've heard in my fucking life. Nobody

47:23

can read, and nobody will read.

47:26

Thank you Shemp. I

47:34

had to read two rants

47:37

tonight that were written in by folks. If

47:39

you've got something you want to get off

47:41

your chest, send it in,

47:44

go to my website, lewisblack.com,

47:46

go fuck yourself, whatever it

47:49

is. And

47:52

send it in. This

47:54

is, I've got two here. One

47:58

is from Michael Murray. Speaker

48:01

Johnson, the Congress, said, you

48:03

know, he's the Speaker of

48:05

the House. If

48:10

Congress debates the best pass forward

48:12

to support Ukraine, the United States

48:14

and our partners must be using

48:16

every means available to cut off

48:18

Putin's ability to fund his unprovoked

48:20

war in Ukraine in

48:22

aggression against the Baltic states. Instead

48:26

of using every means available, Congress

48:29

went on vacation. Congress

48:32

went on vacation. You

48:36

can't make this funnier. They

48:40

were faced with a fucking two-pronged,

48:42

we got a group of people

48:44

fighting for us. Okay?

48:48

And we were like, no, let's

48:50

go back to my crap. I've got

48:52

to be in fucking Des Moines by

48:54

Thursday. Are you kidding me? Instead

49:00

of using every means available, Congress went

49:02

on vacation. They aren't debating, they're ignoring.

49:05

Does this fuck not know that he's

49:07

one of the guys in charge of

49:09

the government? He's

49:12

the guy he's bitching about.

49:17

Thank you, Michael. Mark

49:26

Werner, you sent this in? This

49:30

was written a year ago. What's

49:32

staggering is I've got a ton

49:34

of stuff in my, in

49:36

that fucking iPad. If

49:38

I could fucking, if

49:41

there is something that I'd like to take a hammer

49:43

to, it's that piece

49:46

of shit. But

49:48

this is a year old. It

49:52

still applies. It still

49:54

applies. I was

49:56

reading stuff today as we were rolling

49:59

towards your... lovely village

50:01

and I

50:03

couldn't get over the fact that

50:05

all of this stuff still applied.

50:07

We are going nowhere. Here's

50:11

the solution to many of our

50:13

inflation woes. Reform

50:16

our immigration system. Hello?

50:19

Fucking hello? Why

50:23

can't we build more moderately priced

50:26

houses? Not enough people to

50:28

build them. Why do I have to wait three

50:30

months for a doctor's appointment to find out why

50:32

I have a wart on my asshole? Not

50:36

enough doctors. Why can't I get

50:38

an electrician to fix my broken

50:41

outlet? Not enough electricians. Why can't

50:43

companies find tech workers? Not enough

50:45

programmers. Where are all these workers?

50:48

I'll tell you where many of them are, Lewis. Waiting

50:52

outside our fucking borders.

50:55

Leader or unemployed begging to be

50:57

let in. Yet our leaders refused

51:00

to countenance a discussion

51:03

of immigration. Why? We

51:05

have to protect our precious job market from

51:07

these potential workers because they suffer

51:10

from excess skin pain, Tunisian.

51:16

Get a grip. Some of you get a

51:18

fucking grip. Please.

51:24

Son of a bitch. I

51:27

didn't write it to this guy. He's not standing next

51:29

to me. We

51:39

have to protect our precious job market from

51:41

these potential workers because they

51:43

suffer from excess skin

51:45

pigmentation or they talk to

51:47

the wrong dead guy in the sky. So

51:56

guess what, folks? You get to

51:58

suffer through spiraling. prices as a

52:01

result of your xenophobia and racism.

52:03

And the truly comical part of

52:05

this that pretends our

52:07

coming doom is that the Republicans

52:09

and Democrats alike seem to want

52:12

more of this insanity. They've protected

52:14

our labor markets with racism, cloaking

52:16

it in a false pretense

52:19

of patriotism. And this

52:21

is the result. Welcome

52:23

to hell, assholes. You

52:26

did a great fucking job of

52:28

making America great again, so suck

52:30

it up, bitches. It's only going to

52:32

get worse. Thank

52:36

you, Mark. Thanks

52:42

to all of you for listening to my rant cast.

52:46

If you have a rant you want

52:48

to get off your chest, send it

52:50

into me at lewisblack.com/live. You

52:53

can think of it as therapy, or

52:55

whatever you want to think of it as.

52:58

Just let it rip. And

53:00

I want to thank the true stars

53:02

of our show, the ranters, for the

53:04

splendid rants they gave us. Lewis

53:07

Black's rant cast was created and hosted by

53:09

me, Lewis Black. Our

53:12

live rant audio was produced by

53:14

James Salk, theme

53:16

song by Chris Lane, executive

53:19

producer, Ben Booz, executive

53:21

producers, Matt Kleinschmidt and

53:24

Robert Kelly.