I didn't know I was supposed to be checking my vulva until I started going on Instagram and following some wonderful accounts that gave me so much information.

So I started seeing posts saying, "It's time of the month to check your vulva." And I'm like, "Okay. I'm supposed to check my vulva. Oh, okay. I didn't know that my doctor didn't tell me that."

I can be really bad at taking care of myself and weeks went by without me checking before I saw another post telling me to check my vulva. Then a whole month past and the original account posted again to check my vulva.

Now I'm like, okay, am I stalling or what is going on? So I had to really think about it. Why am I not just doing it? It's not that I'm prudish. I've touched myself before. I've looked when there was something that didn't feel right. So what was the deal?

I realized I was scared. I was petrified of what I might see because by this time I've started feeling changes to my anatomy. I've seen the pictures all over Google. I've seen the white spots. I've seen the lesions. I've seen the blisters.

My first blister in 2018 freaked me out and sent me to the doctor. I didn't want to see that again. That scared the crap out of me. Subconsciously I was stalling because I was scared.

Once I came to the realization I was scared, I set a date to check my vulva.

Can I tell you? As the day got closer I was getting more nervous. I was anxious and had butterflies in my stomach. I felt ridiculous and dumb but I couldn't help it.

So the day comes and I go about my day. I have multiple opportunities where I can do it, but I want to wait until everybody goes to sleep. I'm like, okay, I'm going to treat this like a date. So I'm going to get up. I'm going to shower. I'm going to shave because I wanted to make sure I can see everything that's going on.

Once I'm ready I get my little mirror that's perfect.

I lay down on the bed. Try to get comfortable.

I start checking the check from the top to the bottom. The way we're going to talk about it.

And.

Yeah, I'm not seeing what I was afraid of. There was no reason for me to be afraid. None whatsoever. And once I did it. It was like a relief. It's done. It's over with.

Until next month.

But I think the first I was the worst time because, after that, I knew what to expect.

Why did I share this?

My whole point in telling you this story is to say if you haven't checked yourself and you know you need to check yourself, think about why it is that you haven't checked yourself. Be honest with yourself. It's okay to be scared.

I wish somebody would've told me that because I was really beating myself up.

I'm here to tell you you're not dumb. It's not stupid. You have every right to be anxious and nervous about what you might see, especially if you've been in some of these forums and groups or these medical pages and you've seen the pictures. They will put the fear in you.

So you are totally justified, girlfriend. But don't let that stop you because it's way too important. And chances are when you do look down there, you're going to be fine. You're going to be able to deal with whatever it is that you see and now you know. Isn't that a beautiful thing? Now you're not wondering. Now your brain isn't running away with itself.

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