0:00

Hello everybody. Hi, Hi,

0:03

you're listening to Dear Chelsea. I'm

0:05

Chelsea, and oh

0:08

oh wait, before we get started, I want to talk

0:10

about this book that my friend wrote. Her

0:12

name is Shelley to Gilski.

0:14

I think that's how you pronounced her last name, but quite honestly,

0:17

I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right. Anyway,

0:20

she wrote this new book, and I wrote the foreward for

0:22

the book, and I just got done reading the book

0:24

so that I could write the foreward for the book. And

0:26

I just have to say that it's I'm going to have

0:29

her honest soon as we can, because this

0:31

is the person who for me

0:33

made meditation cool and made

0:36

mindfulness cool, and like, she

0:38

drinks and she has fun and she laughs

0:40

and she's like she's not a serious

0:43

meditation person. She's like a fun, vibrant

0:45

meditation person. And she's the one

0:47

who kind of turned me on too, understanding that, oh,

0:49

there's more than one group of people who meditate.

0:52

There's a whole panoply. So

0:54

I'm really excited for you guys to read her

0:56

book. Be I'll have her on the podcast soon

0:59

and we can talk about our friendship.

1:01

And she's the one who started the pandemic

1:03

of love. So this organization

1:06

that I've mentioned on this podcast

1:08

on separate occasions, and what she does is

1:10

she matches a donor, and

1:12

she matches somebody in need, and

1:15

she puts you in touch so somebody will agree

1:17

to, you know, help you with your rent for six

1:19

months and then you have a direct line of communication

1:21

with them. And she's helped

1:24

give over like fifty four million

1:26

dollars during this pandemic of

1:28

financial transactions between people helping

1:31

people, And it's so important. It's

1:33

all about just community and being

1:35

there for your community, and like, how

1:37

are you going to show up in your small way to make

1:39

the small ripple effect in your small

1:42

life to have it ripple

1:44

to bigger, bigger, bigger ponds, Like how do we

1:46

all do that? And it just

1:49

takes everybody being actively

1:51

engaged with their community, with their neighbors,

1:54

kind of like it was in the olden days, so that when somebody's

1:56

falling, you're there to pick them up, and when you're falling,

1:58

they're there to pick you up. So it was

2:00

really profound and I was a good reminder

2:03

for me to read that book. So it's called Sit Down

2:05

to Rise Up. I don't think it's out yet, but it will be coming

2:07

out. And if you want to be supportive of Pandemic

2:10

of Love, you can go to Pandemic of Love

2:12

dot com and sign up, register

2:15

to be a donor, or register

2:17

if you're in need. And on

2:19

that note, I'm already exhausted

2:22

from talking. What do we do now, Brandon?

2:24

Today's episode are all about bodies

2:27

and sets to your favorite topics. Oh,

2:29

okay, is about body dysmorphia or

2:31

not necessarily body morphia, just about our

2:33

anatomy? Okay, great, I'm

2:36

a biologist. Well, and let's get into

2:38

the first submission. It comes from Kimberly from Melbourne,

2:40

Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne,

2:43

Melbourne. She's thirty eight. She writes, Dear

2:45

Chelsea, I'm a thirty eight year old lesbian from

2:47

Melbourne, Australia, and I'm thirty

2:49

eight weeks pregnant. I'm pretty

2:51

happy about it, as it took some effort to get

2:53

here, but as now I'm considered full term,

2:55

I find myself suddenly wondering how it's

2:57

anatomically possible for this thing to come out

2:59

of my huha without causing some

3:01

kind of irreparable damage on both

3:04

my mental and physical health. Why do women

3:06

do this? Do you have any tips

3:08

or advice on how to prepare for labor and

3:11

birth? She

3:14

came to the right place. I

3:17

have any tips on how to prepare for labor.

3:20

Yeah, don't get pregnant. It's too

3:22

late for you. I don't like when people

3:24

speak in weeks. As soon as they become pregnant,

3:26

they start talking about weeks in pregnant. What about

3:29

when they have the baby? And then it's like, I

3:32

know, I know, I know, don't

3:35

It's so annoying. But anyway,

3:37

thirty eight weeks is what four into

3:39

thirty eight is almost she's eight months pregnant.

3:41

Okay, eight months pregnant. Well,

3:43

the good news is is that people

3:45

have been having babies since

3:48

the beginning of time. So while

3:50

you may feel like it's going to cause

3:52

irreparable damage, I would argue that

3:54

you are panicking at the last stage of your

3:56

pregnancy, because that's probably what women

3:58

do to once they realize that a

4:00

person is going to come out of your Pikachu.

4:04

It is a hard reckoning.

4:07

It is hard to think about that. But what you

4:09

can use to assuase your fears

4:12

is the knowledge that this is happening

4:14

every day to millions

4:17

of people. I mean, how many babies are born

4:19

a day? Yeah,

4:21

I look that up. I mean, you're in

4:23

a big city with a real hospital

4:26

and people who have tons of experience

4:28

laboring and delivering babies.

4:31

So I don't think you have a lot

4:33

to worry about except for your personal fears.

4:36

And I think you just have to kind of come to Jesus with

4:38

the idea that like, this is what becoming

4:40

a parent feels like. It's scary,

4:43

and you're gonna be scared after the baby

4:45

is born at certain times. You're gonna be scared during

4:47

certain parts of their childhood. But the

4:49

important thing is that you're almost done. So

4:52

that's a victory in and of itself. And when you

4:54

are done, if anything happens to your

4:56

Pikachu, they can fix that. You

4:58

can tell them in advance that you want them to fix

5:00

that. What's going to happen to you mentally, You're going to

5:02

go through so many different emotions and

5:05

hormonal incitements

5:08

that it's going to be a very, very

5:10

probably blurry time being a new

5:12

mother for the first time. So

5:15

how many babies are born every day? Approximately

5:17

three hundred according

5:19

to the u n. That's a hundred and forty

5:22

million a year. That's too

5:24

many. That is too many people. Wow,

5:27

that's so scary. A hundred and forty

5:29

million people a year are

5:31

born. It's a lot of people who shouldn't

5:33

be having babies. Well, but let's focus on the fact

5:35

that this woman is having a baby. She

5:38

is and that's that's

5:40

a glorious decision that you made your lesbian

5:43

right, So she you actually worked very

5:45

hard to figure this out. So

5:48

you're in a great position and you should be

5:50

enjoying it. And if you have moments

5:52

of doubt and insecurity, that's normal.

5:55

Well, and I do think again, meditation just

5:58

too mentally prepare for yeah, for

6:00

your integrating with the baby,

6:03

and prepare yourself emotionally. That's

6:05

a great idea. I'm sure there's pregnancy

6:07

meditations if you look on Calm or

6:09

headspace or Chopra, any

6:12

of those apps offer all those kinds of meditations.

6:14

But you should really start to get real focused

6:17

on the labor and delivery and know that

6:20

you're gonna succeed and prevail

6:22

and it's all gonna work out and you're gonna be fine.

6:24

Because we're living in the year. So

6:27

you know the days of you going to the hospital having

6:29

a baby and something terrible happened. You

6:31

know, that's not the way we live in society these

6:34

days. Just harness that strength that you

6:36

have. Yeah, you're a mama bear. You're a mama

6:38

bear. You gotta be strong for you and your

6:41

Oh that's exciting to have a baby

6:43

if you're someone other than me, Kimberly.

6:47

Problem solved. Kimberly, thanks for calling

6:49

or writing and and good luck. Send

6:51

us a picture of you and your baby. Okay,

6:53

we're gonna take a quick break right now and we'll

6:56

be right back with more calls and calls

6:58

and just love.

7:02

Okay, I think we need to get her some straight up

7:04

birthing advice, since neither of us can

7:06

do that. Obviously, we're gonna get my friend

7:08

Carson Meyer on the phone. So this is very exciting

7:11

for me because I know Carson, but I had no

7:13

idea she was a dula. And this is somebody

7:15

who's going to talk to us about what actually

7:18

happens when you give birth. So to the woman

7:20

we just spoke to, and to all women

7:22

out there who are scared shitless

7:25

of childbirth, count

7:28

me in. Carson is going to

7:30

help us demystify

7:32

I guess the entire situation. Hi

7:35

Carson, Hi,

7:37

Oh my god, I love you. You know what You're just

7:40

what an adorable? I can't believe

7:42

you're a dula. Now I've

7:44

been a duela for almost five years, but

7:46

I didn't even think you were nineteen years old

7:48

or how old? Are you? Almost

7:51

eight? Oh? My god? Are you back

7:53

in l A I am. I'm into

7:55

Panga, the of the Duels.

7:58

Oh, that's where all duelas have to live of capital

8:04

of the World. Carson, really quick, can we get

8:06

and explanate what is a duela? For people

8:08

listening who don't know or not familiar

8:11

with the profession, what exactly

8:13

does a duela do? And maybe how could they find

8:15

a duel if they are interested. Yeah.

8:18

So, as a birth doul, I work with parents

8:20

through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum to help

8:23

inform and educate them on all of their choices

8:25

in whatever setting they choose to give birth.

8:28

I'm helping to advocate for them, making sure

8:30

their voices are being heard, needs are being met,

8:32

and that they have all of the information

8:35

they need to make empowered decisions

8:37

through the process. So, okay, So we

8:39

had to call her. How would you summarize

8:42

her. She was very

8:44

far along in her pregnancy and it just dawned

8:47

on her that she's going to have to birth this child. It's

8:49

no longer just going to take up space in her

8:51

uterus. It's going to have to come out at some point.

8:53

So she needs she

8:56

needs a little pep talk. She needs advice and insight

8:58

on what to expect to get through

9:00

it. She's freaking out and can't

9:02

believe she's about to give birth. I think just

9:04

the process itself is what's so

9:07

scary to her, Like the idea, which

9:09

I think is very relatable, that it's

9:12

very scary to think about a human being coming

9:14

out of your vagina, what happens to your vagina,

9:17

the pain that you experience,

9:19

and what happens if anything goes wrong,

9:22

and how you recover in

9:25

the short term and probably in the long

9:27

term. You know. I saw TikTok video the other day

9:29

of a live childbirth, and I was disturbed,

9:32

to say the very least. And I

9:34

just can't imagine something so

9:36

violent happening to my Pikachu. Yeah,

9:40

I hear you. I hear you, and I think we

9:42

I feel this way. I felt like, you

9:44

know, we had sex, said, right. We were raised

9:47

to think get pregnant and die.

9:49

Right, It's just the most terrifying thing

9:51

that can happen. Prefer that scene

9:53

in Mean Girls, right, or it's like have sex,

9:56

get pregnant, and die. And that's like the extent

9:58

of our childbirth education

10:01

as young women. And so for me, it was

10:03

when I saw the business of being born in college

10:06

that I was like blown away

10:08

by seeing depiction of birth that

10:10

wasn't just the Hollywood depiction

10:12

of birth. It wasn't flailing legs

10:15

and blood and all these masked

10:17

men standing over you. It

10:19

was powerful and in some cases even

10:21

pleasurable and very

10:23

empowering for these women. And so I was like,

10:25

why haven't I seen these depictions of birth?

10:28

And where's the class later

10:30

on in life to say, Okay, we're

10:33

not scaring you into pregnancy anymore. Here

10:35

are your choices, here are your options, here

10:37

is some let's work through these fears that we

10:39

kind of pushed on you for so many years.

10:42

Seeing the business of being born was really eye opening

10:44

to me. And so I think she is not alone

10:46

in that fear. I hear this all the time, and

10:48

part of what I do as a birth duel is help

10:51

parents work through these fears,

10:54

demystify some of the

10:56

myths that they have been hearing around childbirth,

10:59

and then also know how to approach

11:02

of what can be a very difficult process

11:05

and something that is a huge life

11:07

transformation. So what does

11:09

our body naturally do for

11:12

us during this process? I think

11:14

that's what people have a hard time understanding.

11:16

How does your vagina open up

11:19

big? And then what happens

11:21

after? I mean that's my first

11:23

question obviously, that's but like, how

11:25

does your body internally ready

11:28

you for this experience? Yes,

11:32

so the understanding the physiological

11:35

process of what

11:37

is happening in the body during pregnancy

11:39

and labor and postpartum is

11:42

unbelievable and incredible, and for me, it

11:44

just gives me such a deeper respect

11:46

for the female body

11:48

and nature and how brilliant

11:51

the whole process is. What happens

11:53

in labor is the cervix, which has remained closed

11:57

and hard through pregnancy to keep

11:59

the baby inside, is

12:01

starting to soften and open.

12:04

And so a process that we say, oh it takes

12:06

so long, right, yeah,

12:09

first time leaver, it can be long, But really,

12:11

what's happening in a day or

12:13

two Your cervix is going

12:16

from completely closed to ten centimeters

12:19

open to allow for the baby to come

12:21

out. And this happens through the contracting

12:23

of ten centimes. Is that the limit or can

12:25

it go beyond that ten centimeters? It

12:28

just goes to ten centimes,

12:30

I bet you some people go to twelve. Well

12:34

it does you know? It stretches and allows

12:36

for the baby to come through. Um. The

12:38

cervix is what goes. It's on the

12:40

top of the birth canal right,

12:42

the vagina so okay, well that's good

12:45

because I honestly didn't know that

12:47

that has to open for the baby to come into the birth

12:49

Okay, copy, that keep going. What's

12:53

happening in that process the contractions,

12:55

which is the stimulation of the uterus

12:57

that is bringing the baby's head down onto this cervix

13:00

and lower into the pelvis. That happens

13:02

due to oxytocin. And some

13:05

people know of oxytocin because it's this potocin,

13:07

which is very widely used in UH

13:10

labor as a drug, is a synthetic

13:12

version of oxytocin. But oxytocin is something

13:14

we create in our bodies automat

13:17

to be confused with oxycotton. People

13:19

this is a two. These are two very separate

13:21

items. They are,

13:24

but they also both feel

13:26

good right a few chemical

13:28

or hormones, So oxytocin

13:31

is known as the love hormone because it's

13:33

released in our bodies when we fall

13:35

in love, when we have sex or orgasm,

13:38

when we are with our pets, when we are in

13:40

laughing amongst friends. It's what bonds

13:43

us to one another and makes us feel good

13:45

and like we belong. The

13:48

highest surge of oxytocin that

13:50

ever happens in the body happens in

13:52

labor, and this is what is contracting

13:55

the uterus. So I always say that you

13:57

know, feeling good having a dula, how

14:00

the music, having support, feeling

14:02

safe, being in low lighting, having

14:04

candles right, the same way the baby comes in

14:07

is the same way the baby comes out. Having

14:09

that oxytocin, and that feel

14:11

good is not just a nice

14:13

experience for your birth, but it's

14:16

literally telling your body you

14:18

are safe, you are okay

14:20

to bring baby out into the world. So

14:23

I think that's like the proof of how important

14:25

it is to work through fear before birth

14:28

and to approach it feeling empowered and

14:30

supported, because when we stop the flow of oxytocin,

14:32

we stop the flow of labor. Oxytocin

14:35

is also what bonds you to your baby

14:37

right away. So when you look into your baby's eyes,

14:40

when you have skin to skin, what does oxytocin

14:43

do. It tells the uterus

14:45

to continue contracting, and that's

14:47

what helps stop leading postpartum. It's

14:49

what gets that uterus that has grown to the size of

14:51

a watermelon back to size.

14:53

It's also what tells your body to produce breast

14:56

milk. So it's really this

14:58

brilliant hormone that is play.

15:00

Wow. That is you know what. This is a very

15:02

helpful explanation for someone who will never have

15:04

a baby. You make it sound beautiful.

15:07

Now, I'm understanding the draw.

15:10

If you do it the right way, it can be beautiful.

15:13

Yeah, and I think there's there's

15:16

room for for it all. It's beautiful and

15:18

it's hard and it's messy, but

15:20

I do. My wish for all women

15:22

who want to have kids is that they can go into

15:24

it feeling that and knowing

15:26

that feeling good is what's going to serve

15:29

them. Yeah. Also,

15:31

you know my psychiatrist, he has a theory

15:33

about being born. Well not it's not his theory

15:35

but there is a theory out there, you know, about being born,

15:37

about being You're in the womb and it's safe,

15:40

and it's you're there for nine months and there's no

15:42

noise, and and you're being fed and

15:44

you don't have to go to the bathroom. And then you're

15:46

thrust into fluorescent lighting,

15:48

spanked on the ass and having tubes

15:50

shoved in you, and all of a sudden

15:53

you're in the world and you have to communicate

15:55

that you're hungry, and you have to communicate that

15:58

you have to go to the bathroom, and that

16:00

is a trauma in and of itself. Being

16:02

born is traumatic, yeah,

16:05

and I, but I doesn't have to be. And that's

16:07

where we've done a big

16:09

disservice in the over

16:11

medicalization of birth. Right.

16:13

Birth is not a medical event, and doctors

16:16

and opis and hospitals are fantastic

16:19

at dealing with emergencies, and thank god

16:21

we have them right, But overall,

16:24

we have kind of swung this pendulum for

16:26

the past really a hundred years

16:28

almost two, taking

16:30

away from this physiological process and

16:33

over medicalizing it. And we're learning now

16:35

through research and also, as

16:37

you're saying, right, people who are working through

16:39

trauma that's starting from day one,

16:42

is that the more we can protect

16:44

this environment, and that means

16:47

home, hospital, wherever you are, and support

16:49

a gentle birth for the mother, but also for

16:51

the baby. Right being born into

16:53

dim lights, being born into hearing

16:56

your parents voice first, right

16:59

right or two own skin to skin with your

17:01

parents, having that time to

17:04

adjust to the outside world, which

17:06

is big, right. Yes, it's going to

17:08

be traumatic at a certain point to just be human

17:11

and and function in our our

17:13

world today, but protecting that

17:15

space is so important for establishing

17:17

healthy breastfeeding. And then, like

17:19

you say, I think it's something that we store in our memory

17:22

for years. Right. The way

17:24

that we perceived the world has a lot to do with

17:26

our first moments in it. I'm biased,

17:28

but I do think that having a doula is a

17:30

wonderful way to prepare for this process.

17:33

You can find Dulah's through word

17:36

of mouth, Instagram, asking around

17:39

yoga teachers in your community acupuncturist.

17:41

I think more and more everybody

17:44

is learning about the benefits that are actually

17:47

evidence space of having a dula.

17:49

You can find me online at Carson

17:51

dash Meyer dot com and I teach

17:54

childbirth education classes online

17:56

and also have a wonderful

17:58

community of other recommendations, and I'm

18:00

happy to send your way. Well,

18:02

that was very well said. Thank you Carson. Thanks

18:04

for your time today. It's lovely to see your face as

18:07

always, and you know what your background looks to me

18:09

like somewhere I want to be, so just pretend

18:11

I'm there with you. Okay,

18:13

Oh I love this.

18:15

This is great. I mean, who knew I would ever spend

18:18

as much time talking about childbirth. Now

18:20

she's going to become a duel. Oh my god, what if I become

18:22

a duel? Like can you imagine if you got bad

18:24

to have birth and I'm by your side. Well,

18:27

let me tell you. You know what helps oxytocin

18:29

flow is laughter? Yeah, axy

18:31

tie, you know what helps laughter? Well, we'll

18:34

talk about that later. I love you, Carson, Thank

18:36

you so much. And yeah,

18:38

please reach out to Carson for all of those of

18:40

you out there in this area that are

18:42

looking for someone qualified to teach you about

18:44

all this stuff. It sounds like we found our girl and

18:47

get support. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

18:49

Yeah, definitely, Thank you by

18:51

Carson. Well, that

18:54

was just delightful. I mean that

18:57

was delightful. That was the first time

19:00

that I have paid attention to a conversation

19:04

about child birth that

19:07

intricate I. Usually it's

19:09

almost like math. When

19:11

people get too into the weeds about childbirth

19:14

or financial numbers, I

19:17

tune out, and then I need

19:19

to take it edible. Well,

19:21

she gave a great explanation. It still doesn't

19:24

make it seem like it's going to be great. But if you can

19:26

get that set up to make it a little

19:28

bit more enjoyable, I mean more power to you. I'm

19:30

glad that we don't have a baby. Yes,

19:33

you will never have a baby. Oh my god,

19:35

I need to be more enthusiastic for people who

19:37

are having I feel like I'm such

19:40

an asshole, but I see you don't

19:42

have a baby. I see people who are pregnant, and I just

19:44

think, why, why,

19:47

why would you do that? When we were

19:49

traveling, when we were at the airport, that's

19:51

what Levi had said. He just looked at me, goes, aren't

19:53

you so fucking glad we don't have to worry about a car

19:55

seat or a stroller. And you're

19:57

any of that ship while you're fires

19:59

are cheer Rio's fucking everywhere

20:03

driving around in a smelly minivan

20:05

that has fucking food stuck in yogurt

20:07

squirts and yogurts, those yogurt

20:10

fucking squirt things. My sister's cars

20:13

give me so much anxiety. No one's going to have

20:15

to get in them, and then when I'm in them, just I

20:17

want to wipe everything. I know. I know I

20:19

have the same thing my sisters now, my sister

20:21

Simone, whose kids are older, so her

20:24

car is a completely different situation than it used

20:26

to be when they were growing up. I mean, it was so gross.

20:28

I remember when I moved to l A. I lived with my aunt

20:30

Gabby and uncle Terry on Beverly glenn And Boulevard,

20:33

and they had nine children, and I had to take all nine

20:35

children to school every day in a minivan, and

20:38

I listened to Howard Stern to watch that show

20:40

Actually you as a bus driver, I was such a count.

20:42

I would fucking scream and yell at them. But I

20:44

would also take them to Disneyland and go to

20:47

Magic Mountain if one of them didn't want to go to school.

20:49

So I was good sometimes, but I

20:51

basically just had to earn my keep

20:54

at my aunt's house and my responsibility,

20:57

yeah, it was to take them to school every day,

20:59

and I just I fucking hated

21:01

it. I hated the smell of that van so

21:03

much. It's like diapers,

21:06

yogurt and cheerios

21:08

stuck everywhere. Everything's

21:10

tacky. Well, tacky

21:13

isn't the right word for me, Like the every

21:15

like car seats have TACKI

21:20

TACKI like sticky or TACKI isn't taste

21:23

both? Well, No, it's not feeling,

21:26

because you can't have taste when you're doing

21:28

that, when you're running around with fucking

21:30

children. It's not like you have time to be like, oh,

21:32

I'm gonna this is stylish.

21:35

You know what else I'm never gonna do is fucking share a

21:37

hamburger with a child. Have you ever seen that?

21:39

Like parents who eat things

21:41

that their children have left there? Yeah, chicken nuggets.

21:43

That's the only reason I would have kids, so that I could have all

21:45

the chicken nuggets. Not after they slob no,

21:48

No, but I will chicken a

21:51

stricter threshold of what they will allow.

21:56

I had a friend who's going through a really difficult

21:58

thing because her daughter is

22:01

sexually active, and my friend

22:04

is like freaking out about it, and

22:07

her daughter is younger than she would hope to

22:09

be is actually active, but she's having responsible

22:11

sex. But it was

22:14

I talked to her this morning and she

22:16

was a hot mess about it, and I didn't.

22:18

I just you have a baby,

22:21

and you have your little pal, and they look

22:23

up to you and they love you, and they're devoted

22:25

to you, and they hang on your every word, and

22:27

then they fucking turn on you.

22:30

You know, they become adolescents, and I know it's

22:32

part of them individuating and they have to develop

22:34

their own identity. But it's really

22:36

hard to see a mom go through that. What

22:40

is their communication like regarding this new

22:42

I think the communication could be better, and

22:44

we talked about that this morning, and

22:47

yeah, she just has to handle She has to create some

22:49

more boundaries because she

22:51

didn't and so things have gotten a little

22:53

bit out of control and she just needs

22:55

to instill those boundaries a little bit more, kind

22:58

of like having the kid over

23:00

and then being sexual in the house. She

23:02

doesn't have to allow that, but

23:05

it's gotten a little too carried away. And

23:07

do you think you would handle that as a parent? I feel like

23:09

there has to be a certain level of acceptance that

23:11

a parent must have because

23:14

there's no undoing it. Once this has happened.

23:17

Once the road is open, there's no turning

23:19

back. Once you start getting sex,

23:21

you're gonna want more of it. If

23:24

it's the right kind of sex, and with somebody that cares

23:26

about you, you're gonna want more of it. But

23:28

I don't know how I would handle it.

23:31

But I I'm trying to What advice

23:33

did you give her? I said, you know, you have to create

23:35

boundaries where there are none. You know, you can't

23:37

take it back. She's not going to stop

23:39

having sex. She's being responsible,

23:42

she's not sick, she's not dying. It's

23:44

not the end of the world. You have to look at the macro instead

23:47

of the micro. No one wants to hear

23:49

about their child becoming sexually

23:51

active. No one. No one wants

23:53

to hear about that. And I get that. I don't. I

23:55

was having sex when I was fourteen years old. We

23:57

also have to remove the shame from sex and the way

24:00

that people have sex where

24:02

it has to be so quiet and hidden. Well,

24:04

if you're in your parents house, it

24:07

shouldn't be andoous, but

24:09

even in conversation, the acknowledging it

24:11

and the acceptance of it, and the education

24:14

component of being able to have those conversations where

24:16

what you're doing is not wrong. There's an appropriate

24:18

way to have sex and to

24:20

communicate about that with your partner, with

24:23

your family. But acting as

24:25

if it's not happening, that doesn't really be no. And

24:27

I think sometimes people they don't want to say

24:30

the thing that's going to push the kid away,

24:32

so they kind of ignore it, and then it

24:34

comes back to bite them in the ass because

24:36

the boundaries haven't been created. So

24:39

the kid keeps pushing and pushing until the

24:41

parents says, hey, hey, this is not acceptable.

24:44

Like she has no right to say you can't

24:46

have sex anymore because that's not going to work,

24:48

But she has every right to say, this is my house

24:51

and these are the rules and you have to follow

24:53

them. Yeah, I mean that seems appropriate.

24:55

Don't have sex on the kitchen counter. Well, nobody's

24:57

having sex on the kitchen counter yet. I

25:00

don't ever want to have sex on a kitchen counter

25:03

if I ever have sex again. I mean, the way

25:05

things are going, men are just so repulsive.

25:09

To give us all an update, what has been going on? Anyone

25:14

know? I've been writing stand up material. I've been focused

25:16

on my stand up. That's what I'm fucking focused on

25:18

I'm not focused on trying to get penetration.

25:22

Well, we have to wait till

25:24

this probation time for men is over

25:26

and when they proved to us that

25:28

they're done sexually

25:31

assaulting everybody. Because

25:33

not all men are bad, but there are enough bad ones

25:35

that we need to focus on making sure that you guys

25:37

all step it up a notch.

25:40

What's next? We don't Our next submission

25:42

comes from Kelsey. She's Kelsey us

25:44

with Chelsea out of Nashville. She writes,

25:46

Dear Chelsea, for basically my entire life,

25:49

I've only received mediocre dick. I

25:51

still come, but only to move the process

25:53

along a bit quicker. How do I manifest

25:55

good dick without subjecting myself to being

25:57

in a porn film? How can I know

26:00

if a guy is good in bed before sleeping with him.

26:02

I don't want to waste any more of my time. Well

26:05

that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear that, Kelsey.

26:09

Well, it is depressing, but that's

26:11

depressing outlook even I don't have that outlook

26:13

like mediocre dick. First

26:16

of all, you can't find out how somebody is in bed until

26:18

you have sex with them, So they're not going

26:20

to represent. It's not like you can ask somebody are

26:22

you good in bed? And they're going to tell you. They're all going

26:24

to say yes, and the

26:26

ones that are going to say no, you don't want to have sex.

26:29

It's just this is maybe they're setting reasonable

26:31

expectations and you should have sex with them, because

26:33

at least they're not overselling it. I personally

26:36

believe having sex with someone

26:38

is a great introduction to find out

26:40

if there's anything more worth talking about.

26:42

I think sex should come first

26:44

because I need to know your body

26:47

and if we have chemistry and if

26:49

all of the stuff is working together, and then

26:51

I can decide if I want to date you. So

26:54

it's a little backwards for me

26:56

because I need to know

26:58

that that's going to be like a good portion

27:00

of the relationship and that that's going to be

27:03

where the fun is. Getting

27:05

to know somebody sexually sounds

27:08

so boring. Okay, So I'm I'm

27:10

obviously not a woman, not

27:13

yet anyway, and I

27:15

would say reading this that she should be more

27:17

vocal in what she does

27:19

or does not like with this part. But

27:22

but do women feel comfortable in that saying so, say you were meeting

27:24

up with someone for you know it was a riot date.

27:26

He came over to have sex. Would you be comfortable

27:29

in that initial and to actually to tell

27:31

him like, hey, no, I'm not into this, or hey do this right?

27:33

Right? Right? Yeah. I think that's a great question because

27:36

this has come up before. I was talking to Ben Bruno, my

27:38

trainer got Dynamo. I was talking

27:40

to him about, you know, women faking

27:42

orgasms because I said, you know, we fake orgasms

27:44

all the time, and you guys just like either don't

27:46

care or don't know. And he's like, we know, And

27:48

I go, well, then you don't care and you

27:50

guys are coming and yet we're fake, Like you

27:53

can't fake an orgasm? How's our guys

27:55

supposed to fake coming? And he was

27:57

like, yeah, but we know when you're doing it. I go, but if

27:59

you know when we're doing it, why are you accepting

28:01

of that right? Why would you not fulfill us?

28:04

And on that note, I have had a hard time

28:06

sometimes being vocal with a guy in

28:08

bed about what I like, like I will

28:10

fake an orgasm before I

28:13

have one to get it over with. I will

28:15

do that. I have done it, every woman probably

28:17

has. And for me to

28:19

be really comfortable with somebody in bed.

28:22

I have to know them, you know. So I'm not going

28:24

to have an orgasm the first time. I mean, it'd be great

28:26

if I did, but it's unlikely and I

28:28

don't have my hopes up at this point. Well, for

28:30

someone who is vocal as

28:32

you are with what you want

28:35

and need in other aspects, why

28:37

would you not feel comfortable doing that in the first interaction,

28:39

Like women need to take that power in their voice back

28:41

if they're not enjoying sex. And again, I'm

28:43

not a woman, so it's I understand that I will never

28:46

know this positioning, but you need to say, like, hey, I'm

28:48

actually not into this, or I'm I'd actually like to

28:50

wrap this up, like I'm not enjoying myself. You shouldn't

28:52

have to just lie there and take it. Well, it's years

28:54

and years of conditioning where we think

28:56

that, you know, like even someone like me,

28:58

who you would argue as wrong minded and strong

29:01

wills, it's like, no, it's hard

29:03

to say, listen, if if I don't like something,

29:05

I have no problem saying that, But I have a problem

29:07

asking for what I want from someone

29:10

unless I know them, you know, Like I

29:12

don't want a stranger to go down on me, I'd rather

29:14

have sex with them, you know what I mean. If I'm

29:16

meeting somebody and I'm hooking up, that's too intimate

29:18

for me. I want to do that other stuff

29:20

with somebody when I care about them and when I'm into

29:22

them. So when you created

29:25

that kind of space and you have chemistry

29:27

and then there's intimacy, you know, there can't be intimacy

29:30

right away. So I like sex

29:33

more in the beginning, and then when you get

29:35

to know somebody, you can get into other things because that

29:37

is more intimate in my opinion, but

29:39

women have It's not our fault that we don't

29:42

stand up for ourselves more and that we aren't

29:44

more vocal, but we should all practice

29:46

doing that, you know, I think that that's the advice

29:49

for its Just stand

29:52

strong in your voice and what you want sexually.

29:54

You can set that expectation up front if you if

29:56

you know there are things that will or will not turn

29:58

you on, or things you do or do not like, you

30:00

shouldn't have to worry about relaying

30:03

that information now and what you say on your

30:05

clothing line Kelsey saying, I just don't

30:07

want to waste my time anymore. It feels like that's

30:09

a sentence that says you're at the end of your rope and

30:11

you're at the point where you can say right away, this

30:13

is what I'm into, and you know what, do

30:15

it for every fucking woman in your life that you

30:18

care about, because when you stand up for yourself, you're

30:20

standing up for all women. Problem

30:22

solved, Ding ding ding the

30:25

next one. It's always hard

30:27

for me to give my thoughts on these very

30:30

female focused submissions,

30:32

but it's that's okay, that's what I'm here for, sweetheart,

30:34

I'm a female. It's hard when I hear women

30:37

who feel like they just can't um

30:40

you can't come certainly, but can't

30:42

vocalize what they're w y,

30:45

their their needs. It's not even a once

30:47

like hey, like I need this to be able

30:49

to be aroused. Like like,

30:51

guys are just so self centered, they're so self service,

30:53

but they're not. You know, some guys are really not

30:56

like that. Some guys are very giving and as soon as you

30:58

tell them, they all do what you tell them to do.

31:00

Like yeah, you know, I mean if

31:02

I've become intimate or if I'm dating somebody

31:04

after a few times, no problem, no

31:06

problem saying hey, do this, do that, but

31:09

right off the bat, it's like, I don't know. It's

31:11

just like a guy saying, hey, like I don't want

31:13

him telling me what to do either. You

31:15

know, that's kind of what chemistry is, being able

31:17

to feel each other out and wanting to please each

31:20

other. Have you had like a sexual

31:22

sleep or cell where it wasn't good the first couple of times

31:25

and then you're like, oh, I don't think I want to do this again. You

31:27

do it again and then it became good or maybe like you

31:29

had gotten to know them better. So you're because

31:31

you're saying that basically, the sex for

31:33

you upfront is how you're going to know if there's any

31:36

any reason to continue that relationship.

31:38

But has that ever happened where that wasn't the case? Like

31:40

you you made the mistake.

31:43

I'm sure. I'm sure there's been. Yeah, but

31:45

it came background. You're like, oh, I'm glad that I love this

31:48

go a little longer. Yeah, I think because people

31:50

are need to get comfortable with each other. People

31:52

need to find a comfort level. So obviously it

31:54

gets better the more you get to know somebody.

31:57

Like I used to have this guy in my

31:59

twenties that I would call and hook up with when

32:01

I was drunk at night and I go to his house

32:03

and he'd called me and we had crazy,

32:05

crazy, fun sex, but we had nothing

32:07

in common. We never hung out sober.

32:10

We tried to one night and it was awful

32:12

and awkward. Like that was just a sexual

32:14

relationship and that's all it was. But

32:16

when you combine the two and you want to

32:19

have like I mean, I do just kind of want sex,

32:21

you know, at this point, but I'm

32:24

also like looking for

32:26

people that I can spend time with along

32:29

with the sex. Along with the sex, that

32:31

would be a bonus. I mean, it's not

32:33

a given that that's going to happen, but

32:36

wanting to hang out with somebody helps you become

32:38

very attractive. So what

32:40

I like about what you're saying is that you

32:42

want the not romantic

32:45

aspect, but the more the more intimate

32:47

I guess, the lounging and the

32:49

cuddling to some degree, But after sex,

32:51

you're also fully on board with them

32:53

leaving you're like, yes, I don't

32:55

like you don't need to say yeah, I don't need

32:58

that in my life right out.

33:00

That's for somebody that you know, you have a real connection

33:03

with and on special occasions.

33:05

I'm just way too independent and

33:07

I'm I like the way that I

33:09

sleep with Bert in my arms. You

33:12

know what would happen to Bert if someone came

33:14

in like birt to me? Like

33:16

falling asleep with bird in my arms, with

33:19

his body and his weight against my

33:21

chest and his breath

33:23

on my face is the happiest

33:25

that I could ever be. Can you imagine that body being squeezed

33:28

between you? And

33:30

Bert doesn't like men

33:32

in that way, and that's lame. I don't want

33:34

to say, like, oh, I don't I like my dog

33:36

better than men? But I do. Well

33:39

serves a different purpose. I know it's too

33:41

bad Burt and I can't just have sex, but

33:44

I can't do that either. And he's

33:46

a virgin, hopefully, and I want to

33:48

keep him that way because I'm an overprotective helicopter

33:50

parent. Well, now we know how you would parent. There

33:52

would be no sex in your house. That's our

33:55

next mission comes from Claire.

33:58

She's in her thirties from Utah.

34:00

I love when people right in from Utah. That's

34:03

like your sweet spot, Utah. I love

34:05

you, I love I hope their Mormon. She

34:07

writes, Dear Chelsea, I've been with my husband for fourteen

34:09

years, Mary twelve. We have two children. Our

34:12

marriage is beautiful and something that has never

34:14

been easy, but I definitely appreciate

34:16

all the opportunities to learn and grow. That is a

34:18

very healthy outlook on our relationship. Wait

34:20

say that part again. Our marriage

34:23

is beautiful and something that has never been

34:25

easy, but I definitely appreciate all the opportunities

34:28

to learn and grow. What a

34:30

stance. Yeah, people don't set you

34:32

up for that sort of mentality when you're little, so

34:34

that's nice. My husband and I have always been extremely

34:36

sexual. We have sex often, and I

34:38

personally feel like we have more sex than anyone I

34:40

know. He still turns me on and knows exactly

34:43

what he is doing. I feel

34:45

like he would say the same. The problem

34:47

is he thinks I control our sex life because

34:50

sometimes I'm too tired or just want to go to bed.

34:52

So because I say I'm not into it one

34:54

time out of five nights in a row, he

34:57

feels like I have control. He'll be upset

34:59

enough that it will ruin our entire next day.

35:02

What's the best way to tell him not tonight without

35:04

offending him? Okay, these are all

35:06

good questions, and she on the phone. She on

35:08

a zoom. Oh great, Hi Claire. Hello,

35:11

Hi, nice to meet you. Nice

35:13

to meet you. You both are beautiful, so

35:16

are you? Are you? Thank you?

35:18

Thank you? Well, this is a circle

35:21

jerk. Basically, this is one big circle jerk.

35:24

I love what you're saying about the complexities of

35:26

your relationship and just kind of accepting

35:29

all the pain points and knowing that you

35:31

can redirect those into growth.

35:33

So that's a really nice outlook on

35:36

relationships. That's refreshing. Yeah.

35:38

I mean, the best way is to be positive

35:41

about it, and I think talking

35:43

about it it's very taboo

35:45

from my perspective. But can

35:47

I ask, because you're from Utah, are you

35:50

or were you Mormon? I was Mormon.

35:52

Yeah, okay, well that's your personal decision. Let's

35:55

talk about your sex life. So how

35:57

often do you guys have sex? I

35:59

would say out of the

36:01

seven days, about five to

36:04

six times. Maybe

36:07

it's kind of hard because we always

36:09

have the planet for nighttime, so

36:12

but yeah, it's tiring. It's so it's

36:15

so hard. No, I

36:18

know, the kids and how how old are you

36:20

kids? Or and eight?

36:23

Yeah, that is really tiring. Okay,

36:26

So

36:28

no, I know, listen and let me just tell you right

36:30

now, Claire, that is a lot. I don't know anyone

36:32

who's having sex that often, anyone that's

36:35

married, no way. My girlfriends

36:37

and I ask all of them, on

36:40

average, they have sex with their husband, especially when there

36:42

are small children, once a week. Some

36:44

people are like, oh, yeah, twice a week, but

36:47

not most people. Most people are like, oh

36:49

funk, I try and throw them a bone on Sundays,

36:51

you know. Or my friends are like,

36:53

oh, you know, I'll try. I mean, half of them fake

36:55

going to sleep early, and some of them don't

36:58

have to fake it because they're exhausted. But even

37:00

my friends who are really into their husbands are

37:02

not having sex more than twice a week. And

37:06

I like, full penetration

37:08

sex is this fooling around, Like what how

37:10

how are you classifying sex? It's like

37:12

full on, full

37:14

on sex sometimes if it's

37:17

that time of the month. I mean, people do that, that's

37:19

great. I don't. It doesn't bother me, but like

37:23

it will just be sometimes like a

37:25

blow job and then he'll get me

37:27

off or whatever. It's never like just

37:30

one side of it. But my husband

37:33

and I did not have sex after my son was born

37:35

because of postpartum depression. And all of that.

37:37

So but before kids, it

37:39

was like that, but that was back a

37:41

long time ago, So I

37:44

don't know. And when you say you kind of

37:46

deny your husband or you're not in the mood or

37:48

whatever, like, how does that go down? What happens?

37:51

I don't know. It sounds kind of weird because we're

37:54

older, but or like, I'm

37:56

in my thirties, but I'm like texting him. I'll

37:58

text him and say, you know, I'm just I'm

38:01

really tired. Can we, you know, do it tomorrow

38:03

or whatever? Just because of the

38:06

day or I've had about day. Can we can we do it

38:08

tomorrow? And then he'll he'll either

38:10

like text back and um,

38:12

he'll say sure or like a one word a dancer

38:15

or whatever because he's not he's not happy, and

38:17

then he'll just go straight to bed and be mad.

38:20

You can just tell that he's upset. Thing,

38:23

Yeah, his egos is hurting. And are most

38:25

of your interactions are they I understand

38:27

with kids that there does have to be some sort of planning,

38:30

but are any of these spontaneous? If you're

38:32

texting to kind of set up or set

38:34

the expectation that's not happening tonight, It

38:36

seems like it's very structured. Yes,

38:39

very it has to be structured. So

38:41

and is that just because of the kids. Yeah,

38:44

yeah, because I feel like kids are

38:46

always around, and so I don't want to

38:48

like just say it out loud, like

38:50

hey, you want to you wanna go bone? You know, I

38:53

don't know, it's just weird. And so we'll

38:55

we'll text a lot of the time, and so it is planned

38:57

out, and he he has shownrustration

39:00

with that just because he's like, I want it spontaneous,

39:03

and you know, every once in a while we'll do that,

39:05

but it's very very rare. It's always

39:07

planned and I don't like it either,

39:09

but I don't I don't know what else to do. Yeah. I think

39:12

the first thing is that you you need to communicate

39:14

directly. Texting is not

39:16

not You're married, so you don't need to be texting

39:18

him about sex. And I think he might

39:21

bear the bad news of not getting

39:23

laid every single night a little bit better

39:26

when you're holding his hand and just

39:29

kind of treating him like a baby, because

39:31

that's how he's acting. He shouldn't be mad

39:34

that you don't want to have sex with him, but he's

39:36

obviously his ego is bruised,

39:39

and that's all he's able to focus on. So

39:41

you kind of have to treat him with kid gloves

39:43

around this issue, you know, and

39:45

you kind of have to cajole him into understanding

39:48

that's not the right word, but hold his hand

39:51

and understanding like this is there's no

39:53

loss of love, there's This doesn't

39:55

mean you're not attracted to him. It's totally

39:57

understandable that you have a feign an eight year old.

39:59

And if you can say these things while you're holding his

40:01

hand, or while you give him a kiss or you're

40:04

hugging him, I think it will have a much

40:06

different impact than you're texting him that

40:08

you're not in the mood. Yeah,

40:10

I do. You are completely right. Texting is just

40:12

a very sterile response to a very intimate

40:14

act. So if if that's

40:16

the way you're communicating this, it could seem

40:19

not that you are disregarding it, but maybe

40:21

that you are not as interested

40:24

in the intimacy aspect

40:27

of the act. And

40:29

so even by having like some

40:31

some silent cues, you know, little things

40:33

that after this long tether, you guys should be able to read

40:35

one another where you can give

40:37

him a look or some sort of signal. Everything

40:40

is through the phone now, so even

40:43

being able to look at him across the room so he knows like, oh,

40:45

she's interested. I think would do you

40:47

guys a great service because again, it

40:49

just kind of forces communication

40:51

in a different way that then maybe it

40:53

does feel more spontaneous again, even if it's

40:56

you know, you have certain windows of opportunity

40:58

where it's not as struck shirt and set up like an

41:01

appointment might help. Yeah,

41:03

I think I think there's probably room for

41:05

spontaneity in your life, even though you

41:07

do have a four and an eight year old, right, I

41:10

mean, does the eight year old have play dates? Do

41:12

they? Are they ever out of the house? Yeah?

41:16

Usually, Like everybody has

41:18

been going through this, but COVID has made it really

41:20

difficult because he

41:22

is he's a he stays

41:25

at home and works and then I'm now working

41:27

from home and so we're always together.

41:29

But now they're you know, things are going back to normal, so

41:31

we're able to be alone every

41:33

now and then. So and you do like

41:36

having sex with your husband when you do, right,

41:38

Okay, that's good to know because you're not a

41:40

sex slave. He can't treat you like that. You're

41:42

not obligated to have sex with him every single

41:44

night. But I don't think that he deserves

41:47

any sort of ire or anger because

41:49

he's clearly operating out of ego and

41:51

he just has his he he feelings hurt. You

41:53

know, that's it sounds like. But you know, she

41:55

also said something interesting earlier that

41:58

if the option is not available

42:00

for penetration, that if there's another sort of

42:02

sexual act, that he takes care of her.

42:04

And this is something we actually have just spoken about, Claire,

42:06

that there needs to be an equitable exchange

42:08

with men and women to make a man needs to

42:11

make sure that the woman also feels fulfilled

42:13

sexually. So it seems like your husband is doing

42:15

that, that that's a priority to him. If if

42:18

sex is not an option and you know

42:20

there's oral sex and available, that

42:22

he does take care of you, So it

42:24

seems like he wants to make sure that

42:26

you feel good in that act as well. Right,

42:29

Oh yeah, yeah, um. And that also I

42:31

think over time just being married,

42:34

we've learned a lot because at the first of

42:36

our relationship that's not how it was, but

42:39

we've definitely talked and communicated

42:41

and it's you know, it's not fair for one just

42:43

to do and I know that a lot of women

42:46

go through that where they are just like, you

42:49

know, yes,

42:51

and then a guy just like goes and you know,

42:54

just I just don't like. Well, I think if you

42:56

can, I think if you've been able to talk through those

42:58

things, this should be an easy conversation ation to

43:00

have because you need to

43:02

vocalize. And again, this is something I have all sisters

43:04

and I talked about this a lot. Is women

43:07

need to stand like in their power

43:09

and have a voice and they need

43:11

to be heard. So if that means you need

43:13

to have a sit down with him like, hey, I'm feeling

43:16

like a utility to you when

43:19

I'm not in the mood for sex, like I do also have

43:21

to be in the mood for this where partners in this. If

43:23

I'm not in the mood like, I don't need you getting

43:26

upset or taking it personally like sometimes it is

43:28

about me, it is not about you. And

43:30

if you've been able to communicate all these other things, and for

43:32

a lot of people like that's the hardest thing is communicating

43:35

what you are into sexually or not into. So

43:37

just positioning it to him in

43:40

person that hey, like this is how you're

43:42

making me feel like I want sex

43:44

to make us feel this way. I don't want it to feel like a burden.

43:46

And if I'm not ready for it

43:49

or in the mood for it, I don't want to

43:51

feel like there's always going to be negative repercussion. Yeah,

43:53

because that's really unfair of him to be in a bad

43:56

mood the whole next day. You're a mother,

43:58

you have two children. It's a lot different being a mother

44:00

than it is being a father, and you know, maybe

44:02

he needs to understand that a little bit more too. That

44:04

might be something you want to communicate. It's

44:07

a lot more trying on women than it

44:09

is on men to be a mother. There's a maternal

44:11

thing going on that they don't even know about, So

44:14

that's exhausting. You know, every care

44:16

or every worry that your child experiences

44:19

is yours because of their maternal

44:21

instinct, and men don't seem to understand

44:24

that. So it's a lot to ask,

44:26

you know, six nights a week, but you're you're definitely

44:28

doing it way more than the average person. I'm sure

44:30

there's a lot of exceptions out there, but

44:33

you're doing it way more than the average couple.

44:35

From I, I have tons of girlfriends and we talked

44:37

about this ship all the time, so you're

44:39

definitely sexually active

44:41

enough for him to be pleased. I mean, having

44:43

sex more than once a week is a gift for any

44:46

married man with small children. Okay,

44:49

do you feel like you have the conversation

44:51

set up in your head? Oh? Yeah,

44:54

it's he's a capgorn and I'm an aries

44:56

and so I'm very outspoken

44:59

and you know, like it doesn't bother

45:01

me to talk about it, but it's more of like

45:03

the private you know, he doesn't

45:05

want to. I don't know, he has a

45:07

hard time just even announcing that he does

45:09

anything Like this whole thing

45:12

even is like hard for him because

45:14

he just doesn't like it to

45:16

be talked about. And I'm like, I talk about

45:18

it, you know, I've talked about with my friends before, and

45:21

it's just, I don't know, not easier for me.

45:23

So I know I can talk to him about it. And

45:26

maybe you know, we were talking about doing therapy

45:29

for a marriage anyways, just because

45:31

it would help drastically in

45:33

anybody's marriage. So I

45:36

think that will probably be our next step.

45:38

I just wanted to do there are people for and

45:40

then do marriage, So I

45:43

done that. Now marriage is the next part.

45:46

Yeah, if you can afford counseling, then you should

45:48

definitely do that. Therapy is never going to be a

45:50

bad move, you know, even if you find you

45:52

know, if it takes a couple of therapists, you get the right

45:54

one like that is a great investment into

45:56

your marriage and into your future. So definitely

45:59

do at. And also, you know, with men,

46:02

when you're saying he doesn't like to express himself

46:04

in that way or discuss these kinds of you

46:06

know, maybe taboo things, he thinks of them

46:08

as taboo. You know. Really

46:11

physical touch while you're having those conversations

46:13

has a big impact on people like that, so

46:16

that they're constantly being reassured. You know,

46:18

you kind of maybe have to look at it. I know, you

46:20

don't want to think of him as your child, because that's

46:22

not hot at all, But men

46:25

can act like that, you know, and they needed sometimes

46:27

to be treated like little kids because for

46:30

all the reasons that, yeah,

46:32

they have that temperament. So as loving as you

46:34

can be while you're giving him the news

46:37

that you're not up for it every night,

46:39

and that it would be a lot easier on you if you

46:41

didn't have to deal with him sulking about

46:43

it. You know, that's taking away

46:46

from your parenting, that's taking away from your work,

46:48

and that's taking away from your marriage. Clara. I

46:50

also want to give you one other thing. I just realized, I

46:52

did you just call her Clara Claire. I

46:57

realized I just had this conversation with one of my best friends.

46:59

And something that she did

47:01

that seemed to be really effective was instead

47:03

of waiting until after the fact, she

47:06

would address it right in that moment about how

47:08

he was making her feel or

47:10

if he did something that she really liked it and and made

47:12

her feel good in terms of like the setup

47:14

that you know, he was rubbing her feet on the couch before

47:17

they started to full around and the kids were in their bedroom,

47:19

so it was again a little bit more spontaneous for

47:21

a parent, like oh my god, we're in the middle of the living room, like

47:23

anyone could walk out. But she got

47:26

in the habit of telling him those things immediately so

47:28

he didn't have to try and reflect back on what you

47:30

were referencing. And it's really helped

47:32

them so in the in the times where she's like, Hey,

47:34

I've been here all day with four kids, like I need

47:37

to get out you're making me feel

47:39

like I'm not being heard or being seen when

47:41

she would do it right then, even though it was a little bit more uncomfortable,

47:43

he really started to internalize that more like, Oh,

47:45

I now I am very aware of how

47:48

she's feeling in this moment, and so he could change

47:50

his behavior and he has, so

47:52

I maybe give that a try as well as don't wait

47:54

to give him that feedback, tell him like, hey,

47:57

right now, you're making me feel very small

48:00

that this is I'm just being used for this thing,

48:02

and I don't want to feel that way, So like, how can we

48:05

adjust? Yeah, there should be no punitiveness

48:08

or punitivity, punitive punish

48:12

Yeah, I don't know the right sense of what I'm trying to say,

48:15

but you know it shouldn't be punitive, like you denying

48:17

him sex should not be like then you get punished.

48:19

That's not acceptable, right, you

48:21

know, you are really right. I've not ever

48:24

thought about it in that way, but you nailed

48:26

it. Because a lot of the

48:28

times, like you said, when you talk about

48:30

something that happened earlier, they're like, I have no

48:32

idea what you're even talking about, Like I

48:35

don't remember this happening or whatever. Are very

48:37

dense. Men are very

48:39

dense. Another word for that

48:41

is dumb. Dumb. Yeah, so you

48:43

do have to treat them a little bit

48:45

differently. I love it. I love it

48:47

because both of you just like say it from

48:49

your heart too. So I love that. Well, we

48:51

want you to thrive, We want you to have good

48:53

things in life and love and happiness

48:55

and all that stuff. So and we would like to know

48:57

what happened, So please keep us posted, report back,

49:00

and let us know how that conversation went. Okay,

49:03

sounds great. Thanks, Another

49:08

problem solved, Brandon, she

49:10

was really sweet. I felt

49:12

at the beginning like she was almost

49:15

slightly depressed, but then as she's talked,

49:17

I just realized she's just lower energy. That's

49:19

her. You know. I think these conversations,

49:21

even though when people want to have them, it's like where to begin.

49:23

I know how I would have them. And with

49:25

strangers, it's very courageous for people.

49:28

Anyone listening, if you've been a caller

49:30

or going to write in, it's very courageous to do that. And

49:32

now strangers for advice on

49:34

ship we may know nothing about, but

49:36

it's just important to get that conversation started.

49:38

Like, take value in yourself and have the confidence

49:41

to ask question whatever it is and at all. So

49:43

I just read this book I was talking about, you know

49:45

how the how the first step is so important.

49:48

You know, when you have something ahead of you and it feels

49:50

almost insurmountable, and

49:52

people vacillate about what they're gonna

49:54

say and when they're going to say it, or there

49:56

what's the thing where you wait until the last minute? Um,

49:59

procrastin, ecrastinate, that's a

50:01

that's the word. I think it's so important

50:03

to just take that first step because all the other

50:06

steps become easier once you take the first

50:08

one. I'm reading a book about that as well. What's

50:10

your book called. It's called Dream First, Details

50:13

Later. It's by Ellen Marie Bennett, and it's basically

50:15

just about taking the first step that you

50:17

there's no sent in overplanning anything because it's all

50:19

going to be trial and error. You just have to put that

50:22

thought out there, yes, for that act,

50:25

Yeah, you have to put it out there, and and things

50:27

that seem like, oh how am I ever going to get

50:29

this done? It's like you take the first

50:32

step and getting it done. It tends to have a domino

50:34

effect, and you know, once it's in motion, Yeah,

50:36

once you set something in motion, it becomes much

50:38

easier. So that's a good piece of advice

50:40

for everybody really when they're whether it's about

50:43

sex or anything else. You know. I

50:45

was just starting to write my stand up remember, and I

50:47

was like, I can't sit down and write. I can't sit down

50:49

and write. I can't And just because I have a

50:51

deadline, I just sat down and you know, took

50:53

that first step and then it started to flow. So

50:57

it is about once you made that choice. Yeah,

50:59

it is about the choice that you make. That's exactly

51:01

right. There's actually a really great quote in the

51:04

book I'm reading, whatever has

51:06

happened to you in life, whatever hardship,

51:08

whatever pain, they pale in comparison

51:11

to the power you have to choose what to

51:13

do. Now, that's really nice. That was

51:15

from a book it's called Effortless by Greg

51:17

McEwen. He had written that book Essentialism

51:20

that I really like that. Yeah, and I

51:22

don't like this book as much there

51:25

it feels more business focused. You

51:28

don't have that since you're such a business gal. I know,

51:30

don't say gal's sweetheart. I'm not a gal. I'm

51:33

a girl or a woman. But anyway,

51:35

yeah, he writes in this there's there's some good things

51:37

in this book. But I just I don't know if I

51:39

can give a full throated endorsement. Well,

51:42

why don't you let us know when you get through it? Well I did

51:44

I finish. Yeah, it looks like it's I

51:46

read it on the plane in the middle. Really

51:48

No, I just I just, oh, I'm earmarked

51:51

this another great quote. When you focus

51:53

on what you lack, you lose what you have.

51:56

When you focus on what you have, you get

51:58

what you lack. I mean that's pretty

52:00

basic, but I liked it anyway because some people

52:02

just really need a basic reminder and

52:05

that's easy to remember. Yeah, that's the good

52:07

thing about always switching your thought. Like if you have

52:09

a negative thought and you go, oh, no, I got to

52:11

think of something I'm grateful for that habit

52:13

gets gets easy and and

52:15

becomes a habit very quickly. I speak

52:18

from experience. So that's a good

52:20

You know you are in control of your destiny

52:22

in that sense. I know a lot of people think that destiny

52:24

is in control of them, but I like to think that

52:26

we have something to say about it. I think it's

52:28

a path that you can dictate, Like there may

52:30

be an over arching theme.

52:33

But you have people have control. Yeah,

52:35

you do have control over your life, and you also have

52:38

Yeah, it's the power of your conviction

52:40

and the Yeah, we need to

52:42

empower everybody. Everyone needs to be emboldened

52:45

and empowered to say yes, no, thank

52:47

you, sir, get out of me. Well,

52:49

and so in this book she talks about it in terms

52:51

of kind of like your own personal piggy bank,

52:53

where when you make a choice that makes you uncomfortable,

52:56

but you do it regardless, you're investing

52:58

yourself. And that's like your com it in spank. So every

53:01

time you do that, doesn't matter how small it is, trying something

53:03

new on the menu that you may

53:05

not necessarily gravitate towards an

53:07

interaction with someone like you are reinvesting

53:09

that into yourself and building up your own confidence.

53:12

So if you just make that effort on a daily

53:14

basis to make choices that might make you a

53:16

little uncomfortable, when the big one comes,

53:19

you're going to feel able in a

53:21

way that you may not otherwise, just on you know, your

53:23

daily choices. Yeah, right, you feel a little

53:25

bit more competent when you have a pattern of making

53:28

decisions. Well, I would like to know what happens

53:30

with her, so hopefully clear. Six

53:32

nights a week to have sex is a lot, like I don't

53:34

even want to do that, and I'm single and horny,

53:37

like I don't want to have sex six nights a week. That's

53:40

just un reasonable. I mean, no, wonder it

53:42

is unenjoyable to some degree,

53:44

Like that's like if you maybe, if you're on

53:46

vacation, maybe maybe, but

53:49

probably not for me. Our

53:51

next sumission comes from Nancy. She's in her forties.

53:53

She writes, from one big breasted gal to another,

53:56

what's your favorite brand of bra to hold

53:58

these girls up? I don't even to know what kind

54:00

of bra this is, Brandon, Can

54:02

you see the label? I

54:05

changed bras all the time because I go through

54:07

phases where I like the way certain one looks,

54:09

and then I liked to minimize

54:13

how do you spell it? And A T O R. I.

54:16

So I like this bra because it keeps my breasts

54:18

up and bouncy, like

54:21

it's not. I used to wear bras that would minimize

54:23

my boobs so that they look smaller,

54:26

and but they end up cutting you in different weird

54:29

places and then you have little like cleavage

54:31

coming out of your bras. That isn't

54:33

cute, and then you boobs can look pointy.

54:36

So this is a round bra and it's

54:38

a padded it's not it's

54:41

got a very thin lining. It's not

54:43

padded because I don't need padding

54:45

obviously. And yes, there's got to be underwire,

54:48

because yes, I mean we're

54:50

not teenagers. But this

54:52

is my favorite bra. And then do you remember the brand,

54:54

the one that I sent Sarah Silverman A bunch

54:57

of the brand? Oh, Chantarelle,

55:00

Chantel. I think it's Chantrell.

55:02

I think our mushrooms. Oh, so

55:05

that's the minimizer bra that I used

55:07

that makes your breasts like more contained,

55:10

if that's what you're looking for. But I'm

55:12

a thirty four D. I think,

55:14

Brandon, what am I doing? Double D? I don't

55:16

know. They're big, but they're not gargantuan.

55:21

Yeah, so I hope that helps uh

55:23

be good? I know, brad shopping is such a fucking

55:25

pain in the ask. And the other thing about bras is

55:27

is sometimes you can put on a bra and it looks and

55:29

feels great, and then twenty minutes

55:31

later it looks like you're wearing two pancakes

55:33

on your chest. Once it wears in, you

55:36

have to test out a bra for an entire day to

55:39

give you those like conical breasts. Yeah,

55:42

you had one of those. I will never forget it. You put

55:44

a dress on and I can't remember actually you

55:47

put it on. You're just like, why do my breasts

55:49

look so cony?

55:52

Yeah, like forties breasts where they

55:54

used to wear those bras. I didn't know it could make

55:56

that shape. So the bra that I used to wear, I did

55:58

that, but it's like, you know what, and then it gives me that under

56:00

armed fat Like this, The best thing to do

56:03

is just to hold your breasts. The bra should

56:05

just hold your breasts and not cut any of your skin off,

56:07

which is hard and that it requires

56:10

doing a lot of bra fittings. But if you go to one of those

56:12

specialty stores, they usually those women they're

56:14

like bra specialty stores usually know what they're

56:16

talking about. Do your favorite sports bra brand?

56:19

I don't know what my favorite sports bra is.

56:22

I do love wearing sports bras, though, because that

56:24

really keeps everything in check and nice and rounded,

56:27

because then you're I mean, I wear like Nike,

56:29

Adidas, all those and then there's that what's

56:31

up in Texas that I like that

56:33

girl from Austin Outdoor

56:36

Voices. They have good bras. Well,

56:39

you did it one time a Lulu Lemon because the

56:42

straps were hardier. Yeah,

56:46

Lemon always has good stuff. Yeah, they have good stuff

56:48

for it's just a matter of like where you carry

56:50

your fat, right, if you carry it under your arms

56:52

and like side boob, all of that is an issue.

56:54

So you really have to like it's curated.

56:57

Each person needs to like get their own bespoke

56:59

brasitch suation going, I'm

57:01

so glad I don't have boobs. Well,

57:04

sweetheart, if you keep working out at the pace you're

57:06

working out, you're gonna outpace me. Then

57:08

I can borrow one of your bras. I

57:10

don't know what the bra question had to do with the sex.

57:13

Oh, these are body carts and I

57:16

should just send her a couple of bras. What size is

57:18

she? Nancy? Nancy. We'll get

57:21

in touch with Nancy. We'll find out and we'll send

57:23

some bra options. Okay, we are

57:25

going to take a break right now, so I can go gas

57:27

up my electric car and see then

57:29

how it runs. I'm

57:32

a mess right now. I'll tell you what happened

57:34

recently. Well, this weekend, my bell

57:37

she put a chocolate, you know, those little

57:39

chocolates, which, in my defense, are not

57:41

wrapped. They're all a cart so it's

57:43

just the chocolate on my pillow.

57:46

And I woke up and there was a huge chocolate

57:48

stain on my pillow because of the chocolate

57:50

melted. And

57:55

then she yells at me that it's fucking dirty

57:57

in the morning. It's like, bitch and fucking melted.

58:00

But I can't say anything. I just have to take her ship,

58:02

you know. Uh.

58:05

And I was video messaging with

58:07

my girlfriend and I showed her and she's like, you

58:09

are one of the most disgusting human beings ever.

58:11

She's like, how can you sleep in a bed with chocolate

58:13

on the sheets. I'm like, well, it's on the pillow

58:16

case and I have like four pillows, so who gives a ship?

58:18

I'm just, you know, not a teetotal or like that,

58:21

sweetheart. I had to have a

58:23

housekeeping when I was on my trip, changed

58:25

the sheets almost daily because I was eating in

58:27

bed and because I go had gone off.

58:32

And on this night specifically, I

58:34

had woken up with the white sheets

58:36

covered in protein bar I was dipping

58:38

it in almond butter. Oh my god,

58:41

sweetheart, butter

58:43

and video message. Did you videotape

58:45

yourself so you could send that to your nutritionist? I

58:47

didn't. I didn't want anyone to see that sort of shame.

58:50

What about LEVI, how does he react to that? Oh,

58:52

he's disgusted by me. I mean there are always

58:54

crumbs in bed, and he's constantly he has to

58:56

do one of like the full size

58:59

floor or limp rollers in bed

59:01

because there are constantly crumbs just

59:04

in every little cranny. Wow. Sweet,

59:06

maybe we should be sleeping together. That sounds like what

59:08

it's happening in my neck of the one you would have. I

59:12

love a snack in bed. I just

59:14

love it. You know those little blueberry bars

59:16

that I eat? Those like cookies crumb?

59:19

Oh those are good. What are they called? I don't know. They're

59:21

from Whole Foods. Oh, they're so delicious. The fridge.

59:24

They have chocolate chip ones, they have blueberry ones.

59:26

You keep them in the fridge and then nut. You

59:28

don't like that one, but I do. Oh I haven't tried

59:30

that one. Maybe because you're hoarding them. Probably

59:32

I pop them in the microwave for thirty seconds, though, because

59:34

then it's like a hot treat. I know. You don't

59:36

eat cereal. But that's one of my favorite snacks in

59:38

bed, right before I go to sleep, a fucking

59:41

big bowl of cereal. There is

59:43

nothing better than going to sleep with a full

59:45

belly. No, it's the best. Okay,

59:48

So what did we learn today?

59:50

That a lot of bodies, a

59:52

lot of body stuff, a lot of sex. Sex.

59:55

I like talking about sex. I like talking about

59:57

marital sex. I like giving advice on marital sex

59:59

because I meant, well

1:00:01

no, and and I like the idea

1:00:04

that I have anything to say about it.

1:00:06

I think, I think that's fun.

1:00:09

And there you have a problem solved. Okay,

1:00:12

Well, this was wonderful. Thank you for being

1:00:14

with us, and we will be back again next week

1:00:16

to discuss more of your problems and hopefully

1:00:18

solve them as a lama likeum

1:00:21

baby. If you need help with any

1:00:23

of your issues, you can write into Dear

1:00:25

Chelsea Project at gmail dot com Again

1:00:28

Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot

1:00:30

com. Also, I am on tour.

1:00:32

My tickets are officially on sale. We've added

1:00:34

a couple of extra shows. We're going to be announcing

1:00:36

dates as we go. You can buy

1:00:39

tickets a ticket master for my shows

1:00:41

and tickets are available and I can't fucking

1:00:43

wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny, So

1:00:46

make sure that you bring your vaccinations

1:00:49

and your horny nows and then keep

1:00:51

them to yourself, please,