Psychologists often talk about the importance of basing your romantic relationship on love and not dependence but what does that really mean? And why do we care?

Love is the feeling we feel when we are not looking for our partner to change or be different in anyway. It is when we are in the space of feeling total positivity towards them.

Dependence is when we are looking for our partners to fill a need inside of us. It can look like wanting them to express their love in a certain way, or act a certain way around our loved ones, or for them to make decisions in their life the way we want them to.

The truth is in romantic relationships, we constantly fluctuating back and forth between love and dependence. It would be unrealistic to think a perfect romantic relationship consists of not wanting or needing anything from our partners (why even be in a relationship then). At the same time, what often destroys good relationships is people not being aware of the balance.

The recipe for a successful relationship is as follows:

1. Fill all the needs in yourself that you are able to
2. Accept everything you possibly can about your partner
3. Whatever is left over communicate to your partner with love 
4. Tell your partner you are grateful when they change to take care of you